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  • in reply to: Do they get it right for the next relationship? #6797
    Purpledublin
    Participant

    I don’t know what else to say to you but “thank you”. You have some sort of soothing soul that just makes me feel like you get it and don’t judge me for being so stupid to stay in this for so long although anyone would think it.

    I do not ever let him borrow money from me anymore – I’ve done it maybe 3 times and the last time was probably 3 years ago. He wouldn’t dare ask me for it because then he would be telling on himself. His draftskings was kept a secret although I knew. He isn’t the sneaky lying type so in his mind, he justified away his guilt of lying by calling it “entertainment” and convincing himself I am just trying to control him. He isn’t out running around with women or getting drunk so what’s the harm in this secret? (This is his mindset). I wondered if he was doing it because at one point he was flipping between golf and basketball on tv WHILE watching MMA on his phone. It is crazy how dealing w a CG can make harmless events trigger anxiety and nausea and just that empty pit in the stomach feeling. The term “March madness” and anything to do with the Masters makes me sick. Every. Single. Year. Prior to him, I guess I had heard of these things and thought of it like the Super Bowl for these sports professions, not something that people bet on and destroy their lives over. Soooo Velvet, I did the very embarrassing and demeaning act of snooping and what I found was more than I had suspected. I literally felt my heart shatter. He doesn’t KNOW that I know all of it but I think he suspects that I snooped so he came clean. “I’m not gambling but I do play draftskings for fun every now and then.” I know some of his family know about his issue but I don’t think the ones that lend him the money are the ones in “the know”. His mom is a former drug addict and so while she knows, she isn’t in the position to really say much to him. He is bull headed and would throw her past in her face. I am telling you – he is a 38 year old beast of a man/child when he wants to be. The part I don’t understand is that HE is the reason his mom is alive today. He forced her, I mean forced her into getting help. He found her dealer boyfriend – just this amazing story!! She drug her hands thru other resident’s food at rehab facilities and did terrible things trying to get kicked out. He told the last facility to drop her off at a homeless shelter because he was done. He called his family and friends and demanded they not enable her. He allowed her to hit rock bottom. You will never convince her (or any of them really) anything negative about her precious life saving golden boy of a son. He played college ball and even professional ball – so he’s just kind of like everyone’s idol. Dealing with her addiction for so long has made him the type of person that believes what he believes and if anyone tries to change his thoughts the opposing party becomes a version of his mother and someone that is trying to manipulate him. What he doesn’t get? It has also taught him how to be the best kind himself.

    His exe wife is the biggest enabler – which sounds so weird but it’s the truth. They have almost a cousinly relationship and she is now married to a multi-millionaire. As in, Kenny Chesney has dinner quite frequently at their home. I think deep down she knows but feels sorry for him and I think she has a lot of guilt over leaving him for the millionaire, honestly. She might feel like her actions caused the out of control behavior and knowing him, in his darkest and most vile times, probably told her that. This is me just trying to figure out why she does it – I honestly don’t know. The $1500 or 2000 she lets him borrow is nothing for her. Sometimes she tells him not to worry about paying her back. I don’t see her often and when I do we are rarely alone. I have wanted to talk to her but am always afraid it would blow up on me even though she doesnt seem like the type that would cause trouble and she’s too sweet and easy going to ever tell him “no” anyway. She wants the father of her son to have a good life. I admire her for that but wish she could see she is making it impossible.

    I stupidly gave him another ultimatum. I can’t promise you it will stick but it has for these few days and each day is progress. I have received awful messages from him calling me names and telling me that I am controlling him – throwing any and every single thing I have ever done wrong (even before him!) in my face. I just keep telling him that I love him and his words are a reflection on him not me and to stop attempting to flip this and make it about me. I haven’t handled this perfectly – I never do but after pouring over these forums, I feel like I’m stronger and more equipped to deal with the beast that takes over my sweet and loving and goofy person. Because that wonderful side of him is truly “my person”. I told him that he isn’t being controlled and he does have the right to do whatever he pleases including gambling but I also have the right to opt out of that lifestyle. He told me he pulled all of his money out of draftskings and is stopping but then continued to berate me with the past and how this is just yet another thing he has to sacrifice to be with me. My answer was that as long as he does it and looks at it as a sacrifice for ME, he isn’t ready to quit. And I don’t want him back until that day. And when and if that day comes, it will involve actions this time, not words (self excluding and the online betting blocker for your phone).

    I’m just venting at this point because nobody in my real life gets it. I’m not sure why I dumped all of this into cyberspace but there it is. I guess if you believe in God or a higher power, ask him/her to change and turn my CG’s heart away from these self destructive things…. and if his heart refuses? Then ask for my heart to be changed and hardened towards him.

    Thank you, Velvet, and thank you to all that post. It has helped me in ways you just can’t imagine.

    in reply to: The cycle – New here and stuck #6691
    Purpledublin
    Participant

    Has keeping the funds separate kept you guys from fighting?  Ours are not comingled but I still hate it.  For him.  

    in reply to: The cycle – New here and stuck #6690
    Purpledublin
    Participant

    your post….so much is the same.  I’m remembering a time several years ago I took a loan against my 401k to pay off his bookie and his uncle and his grandma, took forever paying it back to me and when I would ask about a payment, I was called all kinds of names.  Then when I wouldn’t give him the money again (after 3 time) he would call me selfish and I didn’t love him bc I could help but just won’t.  This makes me sick – Im sorry you’re going thru this and I hope things are okay with you now.  

    in reply to: Im moving on from my CG #3567
    Purpledublin
    Participant

    These posts are old but so much of what you have said hits me hard.  I’m in the in between place.  Knowing we don’t have a future because of his addiction but loving him so much that I want to believe it will just work out okay.  How are you now??  How did he turn out?  I always fear that when I end things he will get it right for someone else.  

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