[razzabelle]

Hi Hetty:) TY SO Much for thinking of me.  I have been busy days at work and actually went over an elderly neighbors tonight to help him take down his Holiday decorations in this FREEZING COLD we are having in PA.  GREAT for me!  He gave me 50$ then I stopped at Mama’s house and she slipped me a twenty.  70$ normally this girl would go straight to the devils den.  Guess what?  I got GAS in the car:) bought GOOD cat food, and some nice, normal, groceries:)))) After I get paid tomorrow, with all my "finagaling" I will be able to pay my mortgage.  That will leave me about 50$ to live on until I clean houses again, but I WILL NOT GAMBLE !!!!!  CG;s are SO obsessed with money aren’t we?  I think it’s because we are ALWAYS short of it.  My Boss hasn’t been in after Holiday; but I can’t wait to ask his help with the blacklist.  My CG partner Bobby has the flu.  He DOES NOT want to blacklist himself.  I am going to be doing much soul searching this weekend.  I have avoided the online slots (even though I only play with fun money) because I think they are triggers.  But I do play games (not betting games) on FB,,,,as a CG, do you think these games are ok?  There isn’t $$$ involved, just skill.  Also, HOW ARE YOU????  I feel very happy @ gambling therapy to have the opportunity to share with beautiful friends as yourself!  I hope you too are gamble free this day….*****…..Love, Razz You Get What You Give

[razzabelle]

Dear Jess, I am new here and I am SO Proud of your past success in fighting this disease.  We are all only human doing the best we can day to day.  It is all we can do.  You went for YEARS being well:) Big Hugs on that.  So you had a setback?  So did I and apparently many others.  In fact EVERYONE I have listened and that has offered me support has had setbacks in their individual recovery.  I LOVE this place. No judgements; No I told you so; just a warm blanket of understanding and support in this fight.  As I continue to state; this disease is unrelenting.  I compare it to the "Devil" the personification of evil.  It takes, takes, takes, sucking the lifes blood from our being.  I have been shamed, suicidal, SO HUNGRY, lol I am presently eating dinner from a box of dry cereal because with 28 $ to my name until Friday, I cannot afford milk.  This is an insane disease.  I have sold off family heirlooms that are priceless just for one more pull.  I too dream of the slot machines EVERY single night, of course I am always hitting jackpot in these dream….just as you….PLEASE don’t beat yourself up for your relapse.  The more I read here, I feel SUCH understanding.  Only a fellow CG can UNDERSTAND.  YOU HAVE Kicked this disease in the behind once before.  YOU WILL DO IT AGAIN!  and in the process, become a real :winner!  Prayers and Love from PA tonight……Love, Razzabelle xxxxxYou Get What You Give

[razzabelle]

Dear SG….First HUGE HUGS and Love from PA.  Love & Prayers to your cherished Doggy; who is now running across those beautiful fields in "The Happy Hunting Grounds"….SG, this disease is HORRIBLE…Like I said before; it takes, takes.takes, and gives NOTHING back.  I am THRILLED that you blacklisted yourself!  My Boss has offered to go with me, when I do..so I am going to talk to him tomorrow when back to work.  My what COURAGE & STRENGTH it took for YOU!  You are probably a lot STRONGER then even you realize.  About the car; oh NO.  I am behind in my payment (didn’t make December yet) and that is one of my fears.  I don’t know what to say to you, for I would be very lost without my car as the public transportation here in my part of PA is a real nightmare.  The only words of comfort I can offer you over your car situation are from my heart.  SG, the car is metal, rubber, ect…YOU are FLESH, BLOOD, REAL!  Thank God above, that you didn’t completely LOSE YOURSELF!  Show your hubby some of these posts; this disease is the DEVIL HIMSELF….Sit down with him; make him see that by blacklisting yourself you mean business.  I just loved your post about sending a photo of your paperwork to your ex, and he cried.  BEAUTIFUL.  I am praying and thinking of you SG.  PS:  I agree that "Stupid" does NOT describe YOU.  I am thinking of you as my fellow CG Angel<3 from Oklahoma……MUCH LOVE! ***  Razz You Get What You Give

[razzabelle]

Thank You Hetty!  It is SO IMPORTANT to me that You and Others Understand the anguish we CG’s live with….As I have stated before I don’t ever think of it as "Misery loves company"….No, it is more like a circle of people around the planet, holding each others hands; understanding each other, keeping each other afloat in that "stormy sea"…..Blessings and Love to You & Yours Today xxxYou Get What You Give

[razzabelle]

Oh Thank You Everyone of You for Your Replies ***  My Lord; how much BETTER I feel reading them.  As I lay in bed with the "kitties" and my Partner lst night at the stroke of midnight (watching the ball come down); it sounds a little zany, but I had a "moment of clarity"…..I probably would have been at the casino (of course they give massive "free-play" on New Years) by midnight even if I had "won" it would ALL be gone anyway…if not then; in a matter of days…I CANNOT go there responsibly….ANY and ALL $$$ will be USED.  New Years is an excellent time to ‘turn over a new leaf"…..I think of Father who I love and respect SO much; handing over money to me, because he is worried that I don’t have groceries.  I think of taking that money and ripping it up, because that is in an essense what I did with it.  I think of my Beautiful, strong, daughter, who just inspires me SO much.  It is hard on her and my son as well.  They were both out last night; and BOTH called me @ midnight just to say; "Mommy, we Love You"….Honestly friends, my addiction has been tough on them.  They HATE the casino….I am healthy; I am strong; ….I CAN CHOOSE LIFE!  A little about my parner, he is just as bad as me.  I haven’t touched on this, because while a "good man" we do enable each other.  His friend Rob is actually picking him up in a few minutes (because we don’t have gas) and he is going to casino to do "Free Play"…..he said "come with us"  I CHOOSE NOT TO.  It’s ok, because we are ADULTS and we ALL have choices in life.  Today, the thought of the casino is repugnant to me.  I don’t know.  Maybe because Bobby (my partner) doesn’t have the relationship to his own kids or parents that I do?  Does it sound silly to you all?  I mean I think of my Father’s eyes and how disappointed he would be if he knew I spent that money at casino….(he has his own issues with my Mom being a cg)….I think of the kids; and their beautiful green eyes filling with tears because Mommy was  "bad" again….I even think of the kitties having to eat ****** food, and not being able to see their Vet, bacause of my addiction.  These thoughts bring vomit up to my throat.  Everyone, if I selfexclude, it will bring the end to my relationship to Bobby.  He is not ready.  It is something I need to address.  No sugar-coating.  This is REAL LIFE.  Oh my Gosh; THANK YOU ALL FOR LISTENING….THANK YOU FROM MY HEART….I LOVE YOU ALL….I mean it….this place is a life preserver in a wild sea…..Much Love….Razz   ***You Get What You Give

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