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  • sarahluna88
    Participant

    Dear Kin 😁 I’m so busy with all possible kinds of things (not gambling). Every day is full with social activities, learning, and other beautiful things. It feels like my life has just really started and the first time I’m really living.
    How do you do?

    sarahluna88
    Participant

    My life has changed so drastically, and it has got so powerful in every aspect. To stop gambling was the best decision I’ve ever made. Just to come back here and say that everything is fine. Great thanks to everyone in this journal

    sarahluna88
    Participant

    Thank you 😊

    sarahluna88
    Participant

    Dear Kin, I‘m glad to have you in my back as an companion during my journey through recovery 😊

    sarahluna88
    Participant

    Great thank you, I have so many things to do at the moment. Ive started the education- it’s absolutely perfect. Hope you also have a good time 😊👍

    sarahluna88
    Participant

    Dear Kin, do you know about the „Ex-In“ education?
    I heard from that a few months ago, it is for people who had psychological disorders, addiction is one of them- the education is about a year long and you can work in mental health clinics or other help institutions as a kind of social worker called „recovery companion“. In UK this is a popular education I’ve heard, in Germany and Switzerland and Sweden also. It’s relatively new, this program exists about 15 years now. Could you imagine to do something like that? I believe you might be a good candidate for something like that 😊

    sarahluna88
    Participant

    I thought about you and your topics, the description of my behavior reminded me of you and yours during the writing. You are a great teacher in recovery process, just because you know so much about it.

    sarahluna88
    Participant

    To resist this pressure in one moment or part of time, saves so many other parts of your life.
    Loose money means that you loose chances and possibilities for a good life. You need money for so many things and activities, which give you quality in your life.
    Gambling is the most expensive addiction to have. No drug addiction will cost you so much money. Drugs and gambling are full with dark energy- cause lifes get destroyed and you want to win what someone else has to loose. You want to profit from other people’s damage. That’s very dark. Always when I went to a casino to a slot machine, my hope was, that the guy who was sitting there before had lost all his money at this machine, and when I go there maybe that money comes back to me.
    Egoism at it’s purest form. Often I really hated other people when they won the money I lost before.
    Sometimes I had bad thoughts about robbing them when they go out. That’s such a weird feeling to have when you’re not a person who sees brutal behavior as an option in your normal behavior.
    but gambling brings you down to that point, to the darkest place in yourself. Maybe it’s an opportunity to realize that everyone can think or even do dark things when the situation is right (wrong?).
    Facing the own shadows is needed, that you don’t think that you are a better human than others. Maybe everyone could be a murderer if the situation includes all needed aspects.

    sarahluna88
    Participant

    That’s how therapy works- self reflection. But the therapy hasn’t started here, it was a long process of getting to the point where self reflection is possible to do.

    The long time before that, it was just watching myself while I’m running through these patterns again and again. It often felt like an impossible mission to get out of this addiction.
    Until the point where I thought, if I couldn’t change my behavior I’ll end my life sooner or later.
    But maybe that’s where you have to get- so that you have nothing to loose anymore- just to win your life back. That’s all you need.

    I didn’t realize the worth of the „simple“.
    I always thought „simple“ is not enough. Getting over this fallacy is my biggest win I might have until the end of this life. I’m happy to have it now.

    All pressure is written off me, work is done. Thanks for reading 😊

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by sarahluna88.
    sarahluna88
    Participant

    When I think back on the many times I’ve run through this program of total gambling escalation. The moment of upcoming impulse to play slot – I immediately plan to find a opportunity to be alone for the next couple hours or days in most cases.

    I look for a new casino where I’m not blocked already, at the end it was often hard to find one, cause I self-excluded me every time when I lost all my money at one casino. But when there is a will there is a way. Registration and documents are already on my phone to send, and the pattern can begin.

    I start with the same five slots and try one after another, about 30€, in circles. Sometimes I win directly by the first slot, adrenaline rush through my system and all my attention is focused on the slot- play in speedmode always.

    More win means more play time- not more money. Money is just play-money not real money anymore. It’s just a way to possibly get more adrenaline and dopamine in to my system.

    That’s the same like a drug flowing through your veins, it’s crazy. All other things and people aren’t important anymore- just the gambling drug is all I need in this state of mind.
    This goes on for days and sometimes weeks if „luck“ is bigger. At the end of the circle I’m getting more and more depressed cause I know I’m going to loose all I have, but I’m not able to stop myself.

    Often when the last transaction was made, my energy level was already down in the basement, aggression and stress was high. I’m so tired and sad that I did it again.

    Oh dear god, I am so happy that this didn’t happen to me today and this is just a text, that shows me how much I have won today 🥹

    sarahluna88
    Participant

    Today I had three moments of thinking about starting gambling. It was a very stressful day, I’m leaving my flat these days and it’s a lot of work to do.

    I recognized the urge to look at my bank account and how much money I’ve got on it- with the thought of gambling a little bit- but I noticed it immediately and reminded me of the things that are important for me and my future- like the expensive education over three years that I’m going to start in march.
    I used the situation to get the bank details from the campus to pay the first bill, so the picture got clearer.

    I saw that I’m getting far more control over my life. Earlier in time it had been impossible to turn around when an impulse like this had come to my mind..

    when the thought was there- the gambling had to take place without any chance and an inner motivation of not going gamble. It was like a program that was started and couldn’t be stopped until it was done. (All money must be burned-the circle has fulfilled- self destruction completed)

    I thank god and my ability to resist the urge and patterns of trained behavior. And that I had been able to install a „firewall“ in my head against that program.

    I’m able to watch myself from a higher position, from where I can see my visions for the future and the needed steps to get there. Loosing money isn’t one of these steps.

    Since I’ve stopped gambling I want to create financial stability. I want to live a good life the rest of my lifetime here on this earth.

    Thanks to this journal that helps me to get this feelings into words and so out of my head. Focus is coming back, without loosing it totally.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by sarahluna88.
    sarahluna88
    Participant

    Thank you maverick 😊. Nothing was so good as stopping gambling. I didn’t realize earlier that the problem was that big. Since I’m totally gambling free my life gets better in all aspects and directions. Have a great day 😊

    sarahluna88
    Participant

    Thank you kin, for counting my days. Three days ago Ive had an appointment at a psychiatrist. This time it was a woman. She listened very carefully to my story and my behavior I told her- how hard it is for to deal with bigger stress and how I have to handle my energy to not feel overloaded in my head. Next thing I told her, when I’m in very stressful situations I can’t sleep over days. That was often a reason for gambling, or using drugs.
    After that hour talking to her, she thought about what might help me in case of medication. She gave me something, what’s regularly used for old patients- cause it’s very soft. After two days no sleep again, I took one pill (buronil 25mg if someone likes to check it).
    And I slept well, and also was able to get out of bed. The whole day was pretty good, and I recognized that I feel so „normal“ in my head now (!). The days after were also very good, cause I was more able to decide what’s the best to do and when, without doing nonsense in between, to go to bed at the right time and not feel to do more nonsense before going to bed. I was much more organized over the day, and it didn’t matter to me to think about all impressions ive had over the day.

    Maybe I needed much earlier something like this.

    in reply to: stay focus on today #188171
    sarahluna88
    Participant

    It’s great that we can get help on such an easy way. I told my therapist that this journal is my most important tool in recovery. He asked me for the name of this forum so that he can tell other patients about it, and how much it has helped me already and every next day. You also, with your constant presence here.

    😊

    in reply to: stay focus on today #188168
    sarahluna88
    Participant

    It all describes me and my behavior.. I’ve learned more from you than from any other educated person in case of addiction to gambling. Thank you

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 77 total)