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  • in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28422
    seri68
    Participant

    Thanks v.

    in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28420
    seri68
    Participant

    Aug 2017
    Doing ok . Good days and bad .
    Lost my dearest grandma in march so cant say its been a good year . She never condemned me for all the things ive done and her hand written letter’s that she sent to me in prison I will keep till my last .
    Onwards in search of peace x

    in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28417
    seri68
    Participant

    Just updating my journal.
    Dads op yesterday and everything steady ,
    Not great just steady but I’m thankful for what I have.
    Years started slowly but if I continue to work hard I can progress.
    My thoughts are with anyone struggling tonight x

    in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28415
    seri68
    Participant

    Thanks V hope your well.
    Its always been one of those unspoked subjects in my family as if I estimated my dad would have gambled absolute thousands.
    So to bring the subject of my finances when at 48 I really should be doing them myself would never be a good conversation .
    I just need to do well myself x

    in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28413
    seri68
    Participant

    Hello back again in 2017 .
    Been gambling on and off but made good progress in off times .Seeking solace tonight as im stressed to bits .
    My dearest dad who has been through so much with me has been looking after my money for a long time now .
    I did so well last year doing my hobbies financially and progressed so well
    The problem tonight is that my account is short and it is diwn to my dad who has always gambled .
    I supose I hear you say who put a compulsive gambler in charge if there finances Yeah !,
    Its not the money , I dont need a thing ,
    Its the thought of my dad in pain to be anxious and tense .
    Hes got gallstone removal op at the end of this month so prob not a good time to stress him .
    Theres enough to cover up and he will put it back as we are not talking thousands.
    But the one way I can help him is to be strong myself . X

    in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28412
    seri68
    Participant

    Significant point of progress .
    Phoned in sick today !!!!!!!
    In 30 years of work and gambling have never ever done it . Never been sick much anyway but would never just blow a shift in hail or snow .
    So today I’m off just to relax , catch up with everything . X

    in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28411
    seri68
    Participant

    Feeling positive tonight . Had my dinner in betting shop today . My colleague knows I’m trying to stay gambling free but my work place is full of gamblers. I didnt have a penny and felt so strong today so had no urges to gamble
    I didnt have to follow him but dont want to alert him to the fact I have such a problem with gambling .
    But the best bit was that there was a ‘machine tournament ‘ on with a ‘ free chance to win something ‘ .
    In my darkest day’s its what hooks you in and I’ve no doubt the people who think up this bookmakers strategy just love it .
    The saddest part was that the bookies had it set up as though it was an event with little bowls full of mini Mars bars .
    All just to hook you in . Those mars bars cost someone today £100 each if not more .
    One day they will ban these machines but not for a while as its all just politics and money . An arguement that I’m too old to fight for .
    About 6 people came in to the shop whilst I was in , not one of them put an actual bet on and 4 of them played the machines.
    I shouldnt have been in there today but feel inspired . I supose its easy when I feel like this as other days I wont .
    But I came out with a handfull of Mars bars and as I drove up the A1 it gave me a boost going into the weekend . I just need to keep it going x

    in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28409
    seri68
    Participant

    My journey to torpenhow is ongoing but by this time I should be maybe 1/4 of the way there .
    But I’m not . Feel as though I’m still at base camp . Ok maybe not .
    I’ve always thought my life was a journey but I’m thankful that I’m still on the road .
    So hopefully now the light nights are here things will pick up pace. X

    in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28408
    seri68
    Participant

    I wish that was true v. But its not .
    But things are progressing and getting better so maybe oneday.

    in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28406
    seri68
    Participant

    8th of march.
    My dear dads 75th birthday.
    I’ve had my ups and downs in my relationship with him but in the last few years hes become my best friend .
    So through total adversity , pain , regret , remorse there has been something good that has come from this life that I have lived .
    I had a good weekend aswell going out with my mam and dad for mothers day , cost me alot for lunch . But I actually had the money which in my world is progress . X

    in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28405
    seri68
    Participant

    Keeping my barriers high so progressing with each day . By staying clear of gambling my life is moving on . Feel better in myself so need to stay focused .
    Started this year with a good feeling that this would be a good year and although its started slow I have good hopes that it can be .x

    in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28404
    seri68
    Participant

    Thursday night and not far off bedfordshire. Just been asked to leave new members support group because I was wearing trainers lol .
    Just joking . I can maybe see some benefits of a new members group if someone wanted to ease into therapy but not sure if it will be used allthough good that its available and plenty of other groups available. I couldnt find feedback to why gt feels this is a good policy . Considering in my view there only seens to be 50 ? Tops members that regularly use the groups I use .
    Still onwards all ok with me .

    in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28402
    seri68
    Participant

    Payday 2009 to 2015.
    1. Paid at 12am . (I worked nights at the time )
    2. Bought nice lunch .
    3.Put £30 in work bandit . ( sometimes won , mostly lost )
    4. Finish at 8am .
    5. Buy paper and scratch cards .
    6. 10.am Go to betting shop . ( its only £20 )
    7. Lost . Won.
    8 Lost ( another £20 ) (another £ 20 )(another £20 )etc
    9. Go home to bed agitated , stressed , no bills paid .
    7. Won .
    8.Go home to bed , smug but still agitated . Bills partially paid ?
    10. Up again 1.pm lost try to win back morning losses .
    11. Lost all wages that I worked 20 night shifts for
    10.Up again at 1.pm . Try and win again .
    12. Just one entry for 12 both ways . Lost everything . Maybe would have got some shopping or paid bills if won .
    So many years .
    My dear dad pays my bills now and goes shopping with me .
    I don’t feel good about this , I’m 47 .
    But this month and every month for a while now my fridge is rammed . My bills are paid , in fact I’m in front with them all.
    And I also have a little left over to do a few hobbies and start ti enjoy life a bit more .
    Its not ideal but its keeping me from gambling and thats a start . X

    in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28400
    seri68
    Participant

    Feeling anxious tonight. Reading some of the other journals and there’s so much pain that gambling causes .
    I’m ok tonight but feel impending doom that I cant shake. I’ve been trying to tell myself that I’m ok and whats the worst that could happen . I live such a simple life in the sense that I have no commitments or anything .
    Sometimes I feel like I could just go walkabout or run across america like forest gump to reileve my anxiety .
    But I can never figure out why as really I have no problems . X

    in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28397
    seri68
    Participant

    Tomorrow I’m going to have a great day .
    I wont be in a hurry , I will look out over the sea and be grateful for what I have .I wont look as best as I can but I will feel the best that I can .
    Just for tomorrow I wont gamble .x

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 108 total)