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  • in reply to: What To Do? #137647
    SickinSan Diego
    Participant

    Hi gvralis,

    It’s been a couple years. I don’t know if you still following this, but I was curious how you are doing with your girlfriend Nguyen. As for me, I’m still hanging in there. I was considering doing a legal separation. In the last couple years, my wife continues to borrow money from our joint account, and promises to pay me back. She says at the end of this year she will stop going to casino, but still wants to leave it open for occasional trips. The latest thing is, the casinos are giving out gifts like first $20 free play or gift cards to Amazon and gas stations, free pots and pans and etc. So she makes excuse that she goes to get all the freebees, but of course they want to lure them in to get them to gamble more, which she does. She borrowed over $50000 in the last year. I keep track, and promised her I will subtract her losses from her half in the event that we do separate, and in our state, they will allow a spouse to be compensated for losses from a gambling spouse. I would also ask for compensation for college education for our daughter. I discussed this with my wife, and she says she doesn’t want to separate, and believes she will stop actively gambling by the end of this year. I told her that first she needs to prove she has stopped, and has to cut up all her credit cards and show me proof all her credit cards are paid off. She agreed to that, so time will tell, but I feel that I do have this threat of legal separation in my back pocket in case she continues her lies and deception.

    It’s funny, but she says she still loves me, and wants to take care of me in my old age. She says she can bring me to the casino in my wheelchair, when I can no longer get around on my own. I’m not in a wheelchair now, just saying if it happened, she would do that for me. She just doesn’t seem to get that I don’t want the casino to be a part of our lives.

    in reply to: What To Do? #6667
    SickinSan Diego
    Participant

    Hi gvralis, You said it very well. Living with a CG is poisonous. You are lucky in the regard that you are not financially tied down to her. I know you feel a strong attachment, but if you can see past her beauty, you might come to your senses some day. For me, I am conflicted between sticking it out, or taking a huge financial loss in a divorce settlement. I have gone through the numbers, and with careful planning and moving to a cheaper part of the country, I could easily retire on half, but I would prefer to stay where I am, so that would be a hard pill to swallow.

    Although I do feel some obligation to my daughter, I sometimes wonder if she is playing similar games with me that my wife is playing, acting really nice and friendly when she wants something, and kind of aloof and moody when she doesn’t.

    Another thing that is affecting me is my health. As I mentioned earlier, I have this breathing problem, which I suspect may be heart related. This is a problem I have had for a very long time, so not fatal so far.

    The first time I experienced this feeling in my chest was with my first wife. At the time I was around 24 years old. My first wife was American and we were only married a little over two years. While I was married, she would frequently go out to local bars at night and have multiple affairs with other guys. She was also an alcoholic. When she got a tattoo on her chest with another guys name, I decided to call it quits. At the time I was having the same breathing problems, probably from stress and worry. After the divorce, my breathing went back to normal, and I was single for five years before I met my present wife.

    About five to ten years into my marriage with my current wife, I started getting the same breathing problems I had before. So there is a connection to being in a bad relationship. I have been dealing with this health problem for close to 20 years now. I have been checked out several times by different doctors, and they can never find a physical problem, so prescribed anti-depressants. After research, I am convinced anti-depressants can cause more harm then good, so I try some natural approaches to dealing with my stress and anxiety. So to make a long story short, I am dealing with this, but I feel sick and tired (literally) most of the time. I feel that if I ever do get a divorce, it may solve my health problem.

    My wife is always complaining about feeling tired, and she is always saying she will die soon, but I suspect she will outlive me. Her father is in his 80’s and is a smoker, and still healthy enough to run to the casino on almost daily basis. Her mother is in her late 70’s and still healthy, so I don’t see her going any time soon. Her grandmothers died in their 90’s as well.

    in reply to: What To Do? #6664
    SickinSan Diego
    Participant

    Hi Velvet.

    Thanks for writing back.  It does feel good to share here, as I have been simmering over this for quite some time, and need an outlet.  I feel sometimes the best thing to do is just do the status quo.  My wife is well aware of how much i hate her going to the casino, and she tries to shield it from me, and insists that she will stop after she retires.  At her current age, that is about another six years.  Her yearly loss has been around her take home pay, so essentially, she is just blowing through her income.  The last year or two, she seems to be ramping up a bit, and starting to borrow from me to pay off her credit card (so she says).

    I know it is mostly wishful thinking, and she will have a hard time resisting the urge.  Generally, if she knows I will be home, she doesn’t go.  She works the night shift now, abot 11PM to 7AM, so usually goes after work until around noon.  Since I work 7AM to 5PM, this makes it easy for her to sneak out un-noticed.  When I finally retire, which may be in the next year or two, I will be home a lot more, so she will have to find more creative ways to sneak out, or just give up.

    in reply to: What To Do? #6662
    SickinSan Diego
    Participant

    In California, they do have a form you can fill out that is distributed to all California casinos that they call self banning.  You fill it out and attach your picture, and then when you, the gambler walks into a casino, the casino security will identify you, and have you walked out.  The only catch is, this has to be self imposed by the gambler.  A spouse can’t tell the casino to stop serving their spouse.  I’m sure you know about this.  I read some of your other posts about Nguyen banning herself.

    I gave my wife a suggestion about that yesterday, to ban herself, if she is really serious about quitting.  She just sat there and nodded her head, but I don’t think she is really ready yet.  I asked how much credit card debt she has now, since she uses her credit card for cash advances.  She says around $5000.

    The other problem is, even if restricted from casino, she finds other ways.  She will give money to her other gambling siblings to gamble for her, with the hope that when they win, they share the winnings, but of course when they lose, which is more common, the money is lost.  So I am dealing with not just her, but her network.  The whole family is enabling each other.  Only my wife seems to be struggling with money.  The rest seem to have their gambling under control, mainly because they have good careers.  Most of them have higher income than me.

    I tried to talk to them before and told them don’t lend her money, and she tells me they mostly don’t, but she does have a couple of sane sisters who do not gamble, and they sometimes lend her money. Interestingly, her non-gambling sisters husbands also gamble, so it is insidiously prevalent in the whole family.

    So the other issue is her access to credit cards.  Numerous times, I had her cut up credit cards, but she always re-applies for new ones, and our fico score is 815, so never have problems getting more credit.  It seems the only way to stop this is to damage our credit rating, or maybe there is a way to restrict credit access, similar to casino ban.

    Other than that, I can see where you are coming from with regards to staying married.  My wife is mostly very pleasant to be around.  She doesn’t nag, and is just a little cranky sometimes, but I think that is largely age related.  If not for the gambling, I have no problem living with her. 

    Her daughter is mostly great with me as well, and seems sympathetic to my situation, so could be a real ally in the future.  She is going through a teen angst stage right now and kind of aloof, but I’m hoping she smooths out in a couple years.  Mostly she is a bit snappy with me, and expects me to read her mind.  I’m trying to train her to be patient and lower her expectations in general about life, have a plan b, etc.

    Mostly, I am a bit dissapointed that I am not biologically related to my daughter.  I am not the type that is interested in adoption, no matter how good the kid is.  I didn’t really even want a child, but since I got one, I was happy to take on the responsibility of raising her, but given the choice, I would prefer my own.  Since I found out she wasn’t mine (remember, I found out only last year), a piece of my heart was lost.  I feel less connected to my daughter, and I feel she changed her attitude towards me as well.  Before this happened, she was convinced she was half-white and proud of it, and felt special.  Now that she knows the truth, she is more embracing her Asian heritage, and seems less sympathetic to my heritage.  Her DNA test says she is about 15% Philipino, 10% Thailand, and 75% East Asian (most likely Vietnam).  She actually looks Philipino.  She says I have white-privilege and that’s why I’m successful.  So as you can see, it’s a mixed blessing.  I don’t mean to sound racist, but it’s nice to have something in common with your children, and I feel there is nothing anymore.  I feel torn and conflicted.

    in reply to: What To Do? #6660
    SickinSan Diego
    Participant

    Hi GV,

    Thanks for your response.  As you can see, I have been in this for 27 years now, so almost numb to what to do now.  I am currently 58 years old, and ready to retire, but scared of my wife.  You are only in it for three years, and sound like you are having some fun, so as long as you don’t get financially hooked, and you are having fun, just keep it at that level.  If I were you, I would just pull the plug and move on.

    In my case, my wife is not very pretty or sexy and a little fat, but she is a decent companion and does at least attempt to keep the house clean and cooks for me, so there is some benefit to staying together for me.  I do miss the sex, but it is not a deal breaker.  I am a bit old fashioned about extramarital activities, and try to follow christian principals.  I am a bit of a loner by nature, so that aspect is not difficult to deal with.  At this point in my life, I feel agnostic about existence of god, but still feel strong moral obligation to traditional marital values.

    My biggest fear is when or if she retires, she gets bored and wants to gamble more.  Her only other interest in life is traveling and watching Viet videos on the internet.  She and her whole family are Catholic, but they don’t seem to follow the principals of the faith, so extemely hypocritical from my point of view.  The interesting thing is, most of her brothers and sisters are very successful financially, most of them engineers, and they’re children becoming doctors.  She sees her brothers going to the casino regularly, but doesn’t seem to realize they have much larger incomes, so can afford to lose more and still not crash and burn.  I see they will need to continue to work for the rest of their lives if they want to continue this destructive habit.  On the surface they appear to live great lives, nice houses, nice cars, nice vacations,  It all really makes me literally sick.  On the surface they are really friendly to me, but like to stay in their own culture/world.  I’m welcome to family gatherings, but basically sit in the corner, because although they all understand english, will talk in Vietnamese, while I sit there, basically ignoring me,  Maybe once in awhile somone will ask me a question in english, but largely it is a lonely boring time for me, but the food is good.

    Yeah, so your suggestion to move the moeny somewhere would be noticed.  My wife knows full well how much we have, about half our networth is in real estate, our home and one rental.  The other half is in 401K and a couple stock acounts and some bank CD’s.

    And since I make more then her, about $120K vs her $40K per year, I would undoubtedly get hit with alimony payments.  I know that there is some provision in California law to get some compensation for a gambling spouse, but you need to provide actual proof of losses, which is very difficult to pinpoint total amounts. 

    I fully agree that if she got a big wad of cash, it would all dissapear in probably a couple years or less.

    Interestingly enough her daughter is scared of her mother as well, and on my side with regards to money matters.  She knows she will probably lose half her inheritance, and maybe more if we got divorced.  So far she is very level headed, and since I warned her of avoiding getting the gambling bug (since it seems to run in her blood), she is just as disgusted as me about her moms habit.  She does have some dreams of being rich and successful when she grows up, and says when she has made it, she will buy a house for me and her mom to live in (kid’s dreams!).  I’m not holding my breath on that one, but I do see potential in her (straight A student in advanced classes).  She is highly self-motivated.

    So anyway, thanks for your ideas.  I need to think about it for awhile.  Right now, I see things at a slow burn, not a raging fire, so I have some time act.  If anyone else has some ideas, i welcome other opinions.

    Thanks

    in reply to: Fiance addicted and with big debt #6431
    SickinSan Diego
    Participant

    Hi Sweet,

    It breaks my heart to read your story, and as difficult as it may be, I encourage you to stick to your decision.  As a man married for 27 years to a CG, I can tell you it is a living hell.  I am somewhat lucky that I have enough money to absorb the losses (for now), but it still hurts alot.  On top of the gambling, my wife also had affairs with her fellow gamblers that she met in the casino.

    I would recommend saying goodbye.  He may threaten suicide, but this is not your responsibility.  I paid (and still paying) the price in stress related health problems for my mistake.  There are many other fish in the sea, and time will heal the wounds you are feeling now. Be strong, and don’t be in a hurry.

    Take care

    in reply to: I’m supposed to get married in 8 weeks to a CG #6642
    SickinSan Diego
    Participant

    Sorry to be a downer, but if I were you, I would call it quits, or at the very least, give him a couple years to prove himself. I know it is probably painful to hear, but there are many more fish in the ocean, and from my own experience, people rarely change until they are forced to, and as long as they don’t lose everything, they will always have a ray of hope that they can control themselves. Some are just born with bad impulse control, and just can’t help themselves. If you are a good self-controlled person, you deserve a good self-controlled partner.

    I wish people around me were this frank with me when I decided to get married to my wife. There were warning signs from the beginning that I ignored, and now I sorely regret my decision to get married, and some friends even knew of her activities, but didn’t warn me, because they didn’t want to break up our future relationship. I didn’t even know there was a gambling problem until years later. She was that good at hiding it.

    Anyway, if after reading this you still want to marry this guy, good luck to you.

Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)