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  • in reply to: NEW/SHY MEMBERS PLEASE READ #3573
    sosad
    Participant

    The group sessions were so helpful to me. Especially when I felt really low. At first I sometimes felt very awkward and didn’t know when to ‘speak’, worried that I might interrupt or not know what people were talking about or even worse that no one would know what I was talking about…once I took the plunge, it was, as Berber said, a huge relief to be in a safe and confidential place. Sometimes if even just for a much needed laugh.
    If you are at all feeling shy but really wishing to join in, I can’t recommend it enough. And, if you are at all like me, you may be waiting until you feel more clear headed…You definitely don’t have to have all your thoughts in order before joining in and for me, it helped me to get my thoughts in order to chat in group. 🙂

    in reply to: What Again !! #1497
    sosad
    Participant

    Hi Jenny,
    I’m so sorry that things have not worked out for you either.  You sound very strong in your posts though – for that I am glad and it inspires me as well.
    I appreciate your post on my thread and your well wishes.  You made me laugh when you said…"except a further future of misery and false hopes and promises, lies and deception (sorry was going on a bit there)" (*hugs*)…it’s so true and when I look at it with the logical part of my brain that is not my heart which is still sadly attached – it seems ludicrous to me to have made any other decision for myself right now.  That is not to say I don’t have moments of ‘madness’, as you mentioned above, which for me right now look like thinking about calling him – aggggg!!  NO NO NO.  I will be sticking around for at least sometime longer as I still need support – my emotions are all over the place and my brain can still get kinked up as you can see by my madness moment above…and also to hopefully offer some measure of support to others that I just haven’t really felt up to in these past months as I mostly felt helpless myself.
    I too have hope for him – it seems impossible not to have that for someone you love so much – that he really will see the light – although for how many ***** I have heard that he has ‘seen the light’ and how bright it was this time – it’s a wonder we both aren’t flippin’ light blind by now.
    Here’s to many more happy stress free days!

    in reply to: My Story: Perfectly Obivious #1758
    sosad
    Participant

    Hi BB
    Thank you for your kind words of support on my thread.  I can hear your pain too, as well as despair in your writing.  I know how difficult it is.  I also hear a very strong woman and when you said you remembered enough of yourself to recognize what you will not tolerate for yourself or your children I think you made a declaration of how far you have come in a short time.  Please don’t be hard on yourself for letting him back in the house.  You are not weak.  You love your husband – along with all the other feelings you are having – and navigating this incredibly difficult situation will inevitably bring many feelings, all of them to be expected I think.
    I am still pretty fresh down this road myself, and I certainly don’t know what the answer is for anyone else, but I do know that it is true that focusing on yourself (not that I have that down yet really) is the best possible route as it is in coming to know yourself again that you will find your own answers.  I tried so hard to figure out where my boundaries were in the face of what my partner was doing and as I learned about the addiction I tried and figure things out from his perspective as well hoping that the uncertain outcome will be the one I wanted and that my choices would support that hoped for outcome.  And from all that I have experienced and read there is nothing more true than the fact that they will come to their own realization (or not) regardless of what we do…when they are truly ready to make a change they will make it no matter what is happening around them.
    I’m so glad you have taken steps to protect yourself financiall and I think it’s amazing that you are seeing the addiction more clearly when it rears it’s head in conversations you are having with your husband as it does help in at least some small measure to not take things personally.
    I hope you are feeling stronger this week and I am so glad you have found this site and all the support that is here for you.
    xx

    in reply to: New Shoes… #2021
    sosad
    Participant

    It has been so very long since I have even read here…it really warmed my heart to see your last post to me Velvet, thank you.
    So many new folks and brave courageous stories unfolding.  I have learned so much in the past few days reading new posts and seeing some of myself there and admiring everyone’s strength and learning and wishing so much that no one had to go through this – it can feel soul destroying – how very lucky we are to be able to come here and share our wisdom as we find it again. I’m pretty sure I would still be spinning in my head and not trusting my instincts if it were not for everyone here  – most especially Velvet and Harry who have held my hand so many ***** and and walked me through my own lunatic brain and helped me to be brave enough to really look at both myself and the situation.
    I’m not 100% sure why I stopped reading etc. here, but in hindsight I think I was just needing a break from all that is gambling, and in some way preparing to end my relationship with him as I knew that I just couldn’t do this for much longer and had told him enough was enough – although I realize now I hadn’t been as firm as I needed to be in my own resolve at the time.  As always, new promises came including one to make his online banking available to me (a much bigger step than just sending receipts etc. which never happened anyways) which would have gone such a long way to helping me feel safer and he seemed to be taking action of his own accord, disagreements and misunderstandings were handled openly and kindly, care was shown, my mistrust was talked about openly although difficult for him and me, then, as has been my experience again and again, time slips away, things don’t happen, a medical scare for him delayed for a little while (I know life happens), we talked again about a trip and a date and what that would look like, i booked the time off – he didn’t…It has been so long since I have seen him it is just crushing, and more time passed…I must admit I am still baffled by behavior that completely sabotages what someone says they want for themselves.
    While he did seem to have more resolve himself initially and what seemed like much longer periods of clear headedness and we even made it so far as going to an initial counselling intake appointment, which seemed to go well.  In the end, the things I needed just to feel secure and safe, never mind anything else, were not forthcoming and booking the next counselling appt slipped further and further away and i finally asked questions and answers were delayed, and then again a few weeks ago, I found myself having a crazymaking, blame shifting, manipulating discussion with the addiction – wanting to debate about what recovery actually means and why not just abstinence and that I was being unfair and unreasonable and as money had evaporated again and he was not able to contribute his half of the plane ticket as planned I was told that if it were him who had the credit card he would just buy the ticket and i could pay him back later (a massive slap in the face as I have heard the "i’ll pay you back" so many ***** and still have not been paid back – along with it being implied that I was not being generous as he would be), and the final straw for me was his comment that his banking and finances are private as we are not married…and I just shut down in a way…all my last bits of hope just disappeared…all I wanted was for the conversation to end and the hurt to end.  There was just nothing left to say or do…for me it would all be the same old ground again or more promises for some time in the future that always arrives and nothing happening and the same crazy conversations yet again.
    So I’ve said firmly goodbye in the past few days.  It is one of the hardest things I have ever done – he wasn’t answering the phone, so I ended up sending an email (****** I know) and he did ask to speak the next day which I was willing to do but clarified it was only to say a more proper goodbye…in the end he said he couldn’t as it hurt too much.  I am going to need all my strength to stand by this.  I cannot speak with him or I am afraid that I will not be able to stay strong.  I love him so very much and it is breaking my heart to let go.  I can’t think about it all at once or it just undoes me.
    I don’t know if anyone here has heard of the Virtues cards – they are a really lovely reminder of all the virtues we strive for in life and we use them here in school programs etc.  My partner and I have, on occasion, done what is called a Virtues pick – where you pick a card for yourself to focus on for a week or a month – they tell you about the virtue, have a little quote and a few points about what it looks like to live that virtue…it is often astounding what comes up when you do this…or maybe it is just that I need so much work on all of them I feel like whichever one comes up is meant just for me at the time (haha).  Before my last email to him (so i could email him his) I did a pick for us both and was, as always, renewed somehow in my faith in the universe at what came up – mine was Purposefulness (so very helpful for a focus for me right now) and his was Serenity, which of course left me in a flood of tears – I could not wish for more for him than serenity – I truly truly hope he finds it.  It is so hard to really let go and know that I can’t do anything to help him find it…my heart actually aches.
    A little bit of me feels guilty that I was not strong enough to tighten up the laces on my boots and learn to become more resilient to all the ups and downs so that it didn’t affect me…but it does affect me, very deeply. Having hope, restraining hope, maintaining faith and being open to trusting again some day, hope wobbling, being positive, being honest, keeping an open heart while not trusting at all, really working through all my fears without letting it tumble out prematurely, feeling the pain without getting stuck in it, all while trying not to pay too much attention to what is going on for him and building my own life to where I want it to be, digging into where i need to believe in myself more and learning to deeply care for myself as much as him, making plans for me and entertaining the idea of plans for us…no easy feat.  I find questions still running through my mind ‘was he getting closer?’ ‘was it all a game to him and i never really mattered at all?’, ‘did i push too hard/ask too much, not push hard enough?’  etc.  Go nowhere questions, I realize, as there is so much I will never know and I know I will come to peace with that – they are not the loud questions anymore, just whispers really.
    Anyways, I know you all know what I mean.  I am going to be ok.  I have moments of fall on the floor in a puddle of grief and have just let it come for the past few days for as long or as much as it ***** to – I think some of the other grief of the past few months are rolling into this…then it passes for a while and I get on with it.  I was really angry for the first couple of weeks after our last conversation…so so angry again.  That seems to have passed for now…I hope so, I don’t like that feeling even more than I don’t like the overwhelming feeling of the sadness when its strong. 
    Off to finish watering the garden and pick raspberries before they all go over.
    Much love. xx
     

    in reply to: New Shoes… #2019
    sosad
    Participant

    sorry V, I clicked leave just before you answer popped up.  yes, i know what you mean now.
    thanks again for chat!
    here’s to many more giggles.  xx

    in reply to: Today is the first day of the rest of my life. #11925
    sosad
    Participant

    Yay! Hetty!  I feel so happy for your strength.  Big hugs! xx

    in reply to: Today is the first day of the rest of my life. #11922
    sosad
    Participant

    ((((Hetty))))
    Hope the urges have passed and you are feeling more peaceful.  Sending you lots of strength! xx

    in reply to: I didn’t see it coming this time ! #2356
    sosad
    Participant

    Hi Looby,
    You sound to be doing very well.  The sweet conversation you describe on Friday sounds absolutely lovely, so glad BIL can be in the comfort of his home and the company of his loved ones.
    I completely missed that your family is expecting a new addition soon – very exciting!! 
    Happy to hear you are having regular contact from your son, that must feel great.  I know all too well it may mean a lot in terms of his recovery and it may mean nothing as well.  All the sweet and sad of life never ceases to amaze me and especially how quickly plans can change…so good to take in all the sweet moments and arrange seating accordingly, lol!
    30 years is a long time.  Many congratulations on that!! 
    Enjoy your lunch on Sunday. xx 

    in reply to: Harry’s Birthday!!! #14851
    sosad
    Participant

    Wishing you a very happy birthday Harry!  I love birthdays, we wouldn’t be here without ’em afterall!  xx

    in reply to: New Shoes… #2018
    sosad
    Participant

    Hi Velvet, Harry and Looby,
    Thank you all so very much for your replies.  Harry, I really appreciate your affirmation about posting – I do try really hard in my life, not just in writing here, to own my own judgements and not be attacking or mean.  I know I don’t always manage this successfully, which is why I keep trying!  Practice makes perfect – haha – that’ll be the day, hey.
    It really means so much to me to be able to write openly and not feel fearful of being judged for going in circles sometimes and re-visiting what I thought I’d learned and apparently need to learn in more depth AND to share the celebrations of the good parts too – when I do learn something, even if temporarily or painfully slowly.
    All your posts have helped me to get excited again about putting those **** boots back on and enjoy the sunshine and fresh air so to speak!  Thanks for playing along with my little visualization – I find it really helpful and inspiring to have a visual metaphor in my brain.
    Velvet, you are right, I am not back where I started – thank goodness!  I was worried there for a couple of days there. 
    And, you are also right about not wasting energy over a load of piffle.  I know my partner is just human as well and if its him speaking to me like that, I am aware that it is just his hurt at the root of it, and NO I don’t have to listen to it and I do know what is true (although realize even more now how much I do sometimes doubt myself as to whether I am doing something wrong (whatever wrong really means) – so good place for me to get more comfortable with making mistakes and being ok with learning and carrying on).  I know on the occassions that I have spoken to him about all manner of what is wrong with him (yes, I know, who would have believed I would also partake of this kind of behavior :S), it comes from a place of hurt, fear, insecurity and utter desperation…and sometimes I don’t even feel like saying sorry afterwards – oh dear!
    And, if it is the addiction speaking to me, well, then I will come to know that for sure in time too.  And this is the part I am not willing to work with (she says as she still finds herself here – haha) – as it seems the human owner of the addiction does have the ability to change but the addiction’s character is not one prone to change unless overridden consciously, if that makes sense.
    The distance does add a totally different dimension – trust and truth certainly are gray!  And as you say Looby, it makes some parts easier and some parts much more difficult.  With respect to life time commitment or any other commitment, I am feeling pretty grounded in the fact that all I can manage and am willing to do right now is deal with today – knowing that all options are on the table, as you say Velvet, and trusting that the only way anything in the future will happen is by building the right foundation now, no matter what happens this applies to having the best life I can possibly have.
    It seems I had more to say than I thought…thanks again for listening – what a gift!  I wish I could clearly articulate just how much it means to me to be able to receive this support and companionship from folks who understand what this experience is like!
    xx
     

    in reply to: I didn’t see it coming this time ! #2352
    sosad
    Participant

    Hi Looby,
    You can hijack my thread anytime!  🙂  I enjoy the company and the words of encouragement.
    I’m glad things are going smoothly with your son, and that you can look forward to seeing him soon when schedules work out for everyone.  His enthusiasm for your anniversary dinner seems encouraging.
    It really does sound like you have a lot on your plate with your brother in law.  I’m glad that you are getting regular visits in and hopefully that will help ease some of the shock of it progressing so quickly.  I agree, it does put things into perspective when we see how fragile life really is.  Sending you lots of hugs.
    I hope things aren’t too rough with your daughter.  Some***** its challenging with our children as we want to help and don’t know how, and other ***** its just downright annoying as they need to figure it out for themselves and are wobbling about noisily in the meantime – I certainly never wobble about noisily :S.  xx
     

    in reply to: Free #11271
    sosad
    Participant

    Jayson, I see such courage and strength in your post and wishing for you that the wonderful feeling of freedom just grows and grows!

    in reply to: I didn’t see it coming this time ! #2350
    sosad
    Participant

    Hi Looby,
    Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.  Did your son come for a visit this weekend?  HOpe all is well either way.
    xx

    in reply to: Reply to OG’s post in Topic Forum #2033
    sosad
    Participant

    Hi Other Girl,
    I too want to thank you for your post in the F & F topic forum.  It really hits home for me right now.  I admire your strength.
    I feel very close to having had enough, but not quite there yet it seems, and also feel very foolish for not being strong enough to just walk away when nothing seems to be changing.  There always seems to be something that keeps me hooked in wondering if this is the time it will change. 
    I have thought alot about whether I am being selfish by staying.  Am I preventing him from figuring it out for himself because I am always there?  I am an easy person to blame for things and also provide some connection to a future that so far is just a fantasy – a comforting thing perhaps.  I am still trying to understand it all and pull out what are my own errors for myself and for him and to make my own changes despite what he might be doing.
    THank you again, your post gave me much to think about. 
     

    sosad
    Participant

    Hi Mac21,
    I’m glad you have found this site.  I have found so much help and support here and I know you will continue to as well.  It sounds encouraging that your husband has been willing and actually attended counselling and you are getting support there too.
    It does take time for trust to rebuild as you say, and its so challenging while you are waiting for something to sink your teeth into that allows you to start trusting.  It feels so awful to not trust someone you love and to wonder what will happen in the future.
    I don’t feel like I can offer much in the way of help as I am still trying to figure things out for myself, but wanted you to know that I had read and am thinking about you and wishing you both all the best.  You sound very strong and clear minded!

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)