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Viewing 14 posts - 16 through 29 (of 29 total)
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  • in reply to: Relapse and depression #6617
    Sunflower01
    Participant

    thank you Velvet for your response. You are right. He needs to realize the severity of his actions. I notice that he is withdrawing from gambling as of late as he is becoming depressed. He is making some efforts though and has attended therapy today and has another scheduled for Thursday. He is working on getting his old job back where he won’t be in control of other people’s finances, as it was too much of a temptation and too much of a stressor. I hope and pray that he can begin recovering from this, but I know it won’t happen over night. I am trying to be supportive, but I have made it clear that I can’t continue to be with him if he doesn’t put an effort into his recovery. I just can’t anymore. 

    in reply to: Relapse and depression #6616
    Sunflower01
    Participant

    thank you for reading my post and taking the time to comment. Since posting, my boyfriend has attended therapy and is working on getting his old job back where he won’t be in charge of other people’s finances. If he gets this job back, I will be back in charge of his finances. I am really at my wits end with everything. I want to be supportive and there for him, but if he isn’t going to put the effort in I think I truly will take a step back, part ways, and hope one day he beats this. Today was a good day though and he did go to therapy. He has another appointment scheduled for Thursday. It is a start, but would like him to also attend gam anon and work the 12 steps. 

    in reply to: Relapse and depression #6615
    Sunflower01
    Participant

    hi, I want to start by saying I am sorry that you are going through this. I understand how difficult it is when someone you love, who is an overall good person, does terrible things and betray our trust. I have been dealing with a similar issue recently where my boyfriend has become open to getting help, but seems to keep putting it on the back burner and becoming more and more depressed by the day. I gave him a deadline of when I wanted certain things done or I told him I was leaving and we would have to separate for some time. I am happy to say, he did go to therapy today, and has another session scheduled for Thursday. He has a long road of recovery ahead of him, but I am hoping this time he sees there is no other way he can live a happy successful life. 

    I would say, don’t make threats that you can’t keep. I was really at my wits end so was able to say what I said, because I will go through with it if he doesn’t put effort into his recovery and become more transparent. If you are not at that point, let your boyfriend know the things you expect of him. Also, do not provide him with any money or credit cards anymore. I have made that mistake as well, and the money only goes to gamble more. Also, if you have valuables that you are worried he may steal and pawn, hide them away in a place he cannot find them without him knowing. It sounds silly, but you never know what could happen. Right now he probably should not be trusted with money or valuables. Also, check out gam anon meetings in the area where you live. There are meetings he can attend and you as well for support.

    I am still learning a lot as well. I hope this was helpful. 

    in reply to: New member. Struggling #5091
    Sunflower01
    Participant

    So my boyfriend relapsed. He came clean about it a few days ago and I have been struggling so much since. I had my suspicions already and was somewhat relieved when he came clean. I am still so sad that this is happening all over again. He is apologizing and telling me I am better off without him and that he thinks we both need to think a lot because he doesn’t want to hurt me again. I told him Id stay by him if he was dedicated to his recovery. I am making a list of conditions to share with him because I really do want to be with him. I need some help with how I should handle this.

    in reply to: New member. Struggling #5090
    Sunflower01
    Participant

    Hi Velvet,
    Thank you for all of your advice. I don’t think I can stay with him if I can’t trust him. I know ultimatums are best avoided but I can’t continue to do this to myself. The feeling of not knowing if he’s gambling is killing me and driving me crazy. I’m 25 years old and my hair is beginning to fall out daily from the amount of stress. I want to be there for him I do but I don’t know how to be. What is the proper way to react when I see him engaging in behaviors he used to when he was gambling? I feel like everything I say turns into a fight. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells all the time. He hasn’t paid his part of the bills this month and keeps saying he hasn’t gotten his check yet. He says this is the last time that he will stick to the plan from now on. Just today he got a letter from a debt collector though. I feel as if it is getting worse and worse and there is nothing I can do about it.

    in reply to: New member. Struggling #5088
    Sunflower01
    Participant

    Recently my boyfriend has begun to show signs of gambling again. He did not come home the night before Thanksgiving. His reasons were because I was acting crazy and not trusting him. He said he was at a side job painting but I had my doubts when he was not answering me when I called. I sent some texts that I am not proud of. I was somewhat accusing him of not being honest. I know that this is not something I should do but I couldn’t help it I felt crazy. Well, he did not come home. This of course made me even more upset as this was the kind of behavior he has when he was gambling. My boyfriend and I made a deal that he would let me help him with budgeting and his money for bills. He has been going back on that promise and using money that is meant for bills. He says its to pay people he owes money to which could be true since he is in a lot of dept or he could be gambling the money away. We had a talk about this and went over the numbers of amount of money owed weekly and amount of money needed for spending weekly and monthly. Basically, he does not make enough to cover all weekly/monthly expenses. He owes money to two people who are charging him an insane amount of interest. I just don’t know how to advise him and don’t know how to cope myself. He can work overtime and side jobs in order to make enough but he’s becoming so worn down. I am beginning to wonder if I should give up but I love him so much. Just don’t know what to do. I am giving him another week to show me if he can stick to our plan and if he can’t I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.

    in reply to: New member. Struggling #5085
    Sunflower01
    Participant

    Hi everyone, so I am really struggling with dealing with my fears that my boyfriend will begin gambling again. Whenever I see him feeling down or moody my mind instantly goes to him gambling. For the most part he’s been good and pretty open with me but today he got moody and said he just didn’t feel good mentally. I asked him if he had feelings to gamble and he is beginning to get mad because I always think that’s it. I don’t say it in a nasty way I say it in a caring way because I want to be there for him. Is this wrong? How can I deal with my emotions the right way and not live in constant fear of his relapse? I wish he would join a forum either on here or go to a meeting. Just want him to have support but he doesn’t seem interested. Just tired of always feeling like its going to happen all over again. Also, what are the signs of a gambler gambling again?

    in reply to: New member. Struggling #5083
    Sunflower01
    Participant

    Thank you. The thing is I really am conflicted. I don’t know if he is gambling. It used to not be unlikely if he worked overtime and fell asleep at the job. However, when the gambling got bad he began to lie and use it as an excuse. I wish there was a real way for me to know. I know I have to make the decision as to if I can trust him or not but my feelings keep changing. I did approach him about my feelings and he was actually very understanding. He said he gets why I would feel this way based on his track record and he’s sorry. Just still not sure if that is enough for me. I am helping him with managing and saving his paychecks which has been helping me trust him more but I feel like I’ll never know. It’s just a scary feeling and I don’t know how to deal with these emotions. Last night just felt too familiar in a bad way. He said he’s going to try and be more mindful of my fears. I would love to join a live group session but I work during the times of them. Hopefully I can join one soon!

    in reply to: New member. Struggling #5081
    Sunflower01
    Participant

    My boyfriend said he was working over time last night. I was skeptical but there was r much I could. It began to get later and he said he’d be a little later than expected. I thought this was odd but he was keeping in touch so I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt because once again there wasn’t much I could do. I eventually fell asleep because I was exhausted and still recovering from being sick. I woke up at 12:30am and he was still not home no phone call or anything. Now I am very suspicious and don’t know what to believe. After many times calling he called back and said he fell asleep in the office. A few minutes later still no answer as to whether he got into the car or not. I don’t know if I believe him and I don’t know if I can live like this in fear. It’s not good for me or him. I don’t know if it’s me over reacting or if it’s valid and maybe he’s gambling again. I really don’t know what to do.

    in reply to: New member. Struggling #5079
    Sunflower01
    Participant

    Hi Velvet,
    Thank you for your advice and feedback. I appreciate your suggestions. I definitely need to have a conversation with my boyfriend and explain that he actions and lack of communication are hurting me. I try and remain calm when talking with him but sometimes it is hard. I will post and let you know how it goes when I speak to him. Thank you again this sight is really helping me.

    in reply to: New member. Struggling #5076
    Sunflower01
    Participant

    Thanks! I appreciate your feedback and research. I will ask him and see what he says. In the past he has mostly said that he doesn’t consider it a trigger and that he just enjoys sports. I just don’t see how it could not be a trigger when he would constantly bet on games. It just scares me and makes me feel uncomfortable and he is aware of my feelings and continues to tell me I really have nothing to worry about.

    in reply to: New member. Struggling #5074
    Sunflower01
    Participant

    I can’t thank you enough for your feedback. I can tell this forum is going to be very positive for me. I find comfort in knowing that my boyfriend not attending meetings and some of his actions are actually not as alarming as I thought. I am beginning to understand him better. I also realize I must be careful and give him enough space to blossom and grow while also being supportive. He is returning to work tomorrow and has spoken with a few of the people there that he owes money to. So far so good, many people have been positive with him and are happy to know that he is ok and are not bitter. I hope he continues to get positive responses from people. I am proud of him. My fingers are crossed and I am trying to be as supportive as I can be. One question.

    My boyfriend gambled a lot on sports. He loves sports and would like to continue watching them. He said that I have nothing to worry about and that he doesn’t see watching sports as a trigger of his. Is this possible? It does scare me but I don’t want to constantly questions his actions.

    in reply to: New member. Struggling #5072
    Sunflower01
    Participant

    Last night was difficult. My boyfriend stayed up almost all of the night because he could not sleep. He has been playing chess on his computer and seems to play it for most of the day. Do you think anything is wrong with him playing chess? His schedule is off right now from not working but I hate when he stays up until 5:30 in the morning. It worries me.

    in reply to: New member. Struggling #5071
    Sunflower01
    Participant

    Hi! Thank you for your feedback. I guess when he went away I expected him to come back and be more loving and involved in GA meetings. Part of why I expected this is because his mother attends GA support group meetings and she says they say it is the only way for him to get better. I have not gone because I would like to believe that the power is really in him. I do believe he would greatly benefit from meetings though and it scares me when he secludes himself and doesn’t ask for help. I think a part of me also holds so bad feelings towards the money he owes me ( but I do know that that was my fault for giving him and enabling him) also, before going away he stole from me and pawned my laptop and jewelry. I want to put everything in the past and move on together but I keep hanging onto the fear that he is going to begin gambling again. I appreciate and have a little bit of a better understanding of why he may be acting the way he is after your post though. It is very possible that he just needs time to reflect alone. He is beginning work again Wednesday and will start having an income again. I asked him if he would let me be a part of helping him manage his money. He has agreed! I hope he doesn’t argue with me in the future about it. What do you believe is my best course of action in helping his recovery and supporting him? Thank you so much for your feedback!

Viewing 14 posts - 16 through 29 (of 29 total)