[tarasweettara]

Debbie, Thank you for the insight. Accountability to myself, my friends and my family is something I need. I was getting so tired of making up outrageous stories; taking vacation days from work and not telling anyone; having my friends or family need to get in touch with me and me not answering because I was too busy gambling, or I didn’t want them to know where I was. It was a lot of work. It exhausted me. Today my sister and brother-in-law are off from work. My sister wanted me to come to the casino with them. I told her i had no money. She said she would give me some, because it is her birthday and she wanted me there. I said no. Normally my urge would win out and I would be there right now. Instead I organized my wardrobe for going back to work on Monday. The nerves of starting this new job are killing me and I am proud that I did not go and gamble to relax. I know if I keep up with this way of thinking I will be OK. The problem is being accountable when I have money. I am actually afraid to get paid sometimes.

[tarasweettara]

Thank you for your encouragement. I am so glad to have found this site. I am here today instead of gambling my last few dollars away (Change i found in my purse to get gas). I had a really great group chat just a bit ago and I feel better. My romantic thoughts of gambling today have subsided, and soon my children will be home and we will be trick or treating. So I have no time for gambling today. That is today. I am going to need the most support when I get paid next week. I do not want another 2 weeks with all of my money fed into those evil machines. Wasted hours, tears and regret. I keep thinking of how I felt like that and would rather die than face my truth. This site has been an eye opener and a lifesaver.

[tarasweettara]

i’m new here too. i am determined to lick this nasty addiction. i will come here and post even if no one reads..it helps to get my thoughts in front of me. I have found only warm and welcoming people here, and support. We are all in this together. I have lost everything..my home and my job and it’s time for me to make changes. You are stronger than you think.

[tarasweettara]

i went to see my daughters play today. she was the lead this year and she was awesome! my mom paid for me and the kids to get in, because im broke. tomorrow i am taking my daughter to visit a college and have no gas money, so my mom is letting me use her car. i’m so ashamed…but so thankful. my mom is retired and on a fixed income and i feel horrible. all i keep thinking is “i’m gathering 5 dollars and going to the casino to play my free play.” really tara? really. i didn’t. i don’t want to. i’m at such a low right now i cant even buy a loaf of bread. i want a new brain.

[tarasweettara]

I have no money to buy my daughter flowers for her senior night tonight. I am going to be there to walk her out on the field and hopefully that is what will matter to her.
I had an interview today. it was a company that I had been to before and they called me last minute this morning. I went in and they offered me a job in a management role but they don’t pay anything! I loved it there though, the people were nice, the environment was top notch and I felt very welcome. It is close and I think I will love it…it’s just the money. It is a growing company so there will be room to grow and they will give me an increase in January. I think I’m going to take it. I need to work. I have never been out of work and this has given ample free time that I do guess what with? Gamble. The less free time the better.
I am worried about my backround check. Almost 2 years ago I got a DUI, 1st offence. I was employed at the time for another company but now this new company will have to run a backround check to hire me. I’m terrified that this will stop me from getting the job. That is the only thing on my record and I am truly ashamed of it.
I’m stressing, but hopeful. With working, school and the kids I will be really busy. If I can stay on track, I can hopefully get my own place in a few months.
Feeling OK.

[tarasweettara]

I have been reading like crazy on here and I can’t believe that I waited so long to come here! I do know about co-depency and I do know that it applies to me. That is a behavior I need to work on.

[tarasweettara]

Since you have been so kind to me and replied to my thread and made me feel so welcome, I found your thread and read the whole thing. When I say I understand, I mean I really feel your pain and I am the child of a compulsive gambler. I remember my mom telling my sisters and I “never marry a man that tells you he once lost his stereo or his car in a card game”. My mom has never and will never be a gambler. My dad is a gambler of the worst kind. I remember my youth and the arguing between them. Every Friday (payday) when my dad didn’t come home, my mom would put his plate in the fridge. We would eat without him and she would load us up in her car. We would go to every bar she knew he frequented and look for his truck. When she finally found him, which she usually did, she would leave us in the car and go in to beg him to please leave before he spent his entire check. Often he wouldn’t leave, but would give her a few dollars so she could get some groceries.
She kept a calendar just for him. She would write down what time he came home. Sometimes he dissapeared for days. There were no casino’s and no legalized gambling in PA back then so he would have to find some underground gambling clubs or travel. My mom cried alot. We worried alot.
She kicked him out and let him back time and time again. She went to GA and Joined Gamanon. She took him to the priest. She went to counseling with him.
Guess what? He never did stop. Never. He can’t and he is done trying. My mom loves him terribly. They are still together.
She separated the finances. She refused to give him money whe he spent all of his. She went to school and got herself a good job and us kids never wanted for anything. She has been an angel.
My dad is at the casino right now. They are both retired. She still argues with him, but she has come to some sort of acceptance. He is old and set in his ways. He loves her and she has done what she needs to to protect her finances. They spend time together in healthy ways, but he still gambles. When he is winning he is good to all of us. When he is losing he is mean and miserable.
Then there is me. I swore up and down I would never gamble because of the pain it caused our family.
I love my Dad. I admire my dad but I am breaking the cycle. My sister has struggled with gambling and my other sister with addiction. I really believe there is a strong genetic component to these addictions. I should have known better.
I hope you are able to work through these things. Sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes it is.

[tarasweettara]

I finally got through to the live help and it gave me such a boost. i feel so much hope coming here, that i’m not alone. I have felt alone in this addiction for so long even though I have been surrounded by wonderful friends and supportive family, I have never been able to totally open up. I felt like I couldn’t talk about it. That they all think I am so strong and capable and hard working. I was always the one everyone went to for strength and help. I feel like it would be such a let down to all of them if they really knew. I hope I am not overposting here..but I feel like just writing is helping me so much right now.
I have $4.00 in my wallet today to last me 2 weeks. I stopped at the little store because my other entity was saying “Take that $4.00 and buy some scratch offs, maybe you will get a big winner!” I stopped and looked at that machine and then I walked right back out. My true self came through and told me “What on earth are you thinking? That $4.00 is a kings ransom right now and you are going to need it to be able to pick up your son from his track meet”. It worked. today. Normally I would have thrown caution to the wind and just bought them. I won a small, but important battle with myself today. To some it may seem insignificant but that was a huge test in will power for me.
I used to write poetry and participate in an active forum for writing and critique. As my gambling escalated, so did my passion for anything. I stopped writing. I stopped going to college. Today I just completed my re-entry packet to go back to school and finish my education. Today I wrote a poem. It’s not very good, but I am a little rusty. Gambling drained my spirit. Hopefully I can return to my old self little by little and start finding joy in the little things again.

[tarasweettara]

The gambling and alcohol binge fog is lifting somewhat. My initial crisis feeling is subsiding and I was able to get some much needed rest. I came to see my boyfriend he is living back I’m our foreclosed house and I feel like a squatter. He has nowhere to go right now and no money to get an apartment. He is a trigger for my gambling big time. We have been living together for five years and he has almost zero take home income because he is still paying alimony and a ridiculous amount of child support. For our entire relationship I have had to take care of all of the household expenses from my less than 40k a year job and I deeply resent him for not being able to provide anything for me at all. He will not go back to court and he will not confront his ex about the divorce. At one point he had a six figure job and he lost it and now makes less than 40k but is still paying her the same amount. If I say anything he gets infuriated and calls me awful names or says things like “you are such a loser why don’t you go spend all of our money at the casino and try to blame me”
When we lost the house and I lost my job and moved to my parents he went back to his ex wife. This crushed me. Instead of sticking with me and figuring out what we were going to do he just went back so he could keep his money and see his kids. He was only there for a month and he begged me to be with him again and made a huge mistake. I took him back but I am still angry at him and I am having a hard time letting go of the hurt and pain he caused me. My gambling increased 10 fold after this .
My daughter went to live with my sister. She is a senior this year and busy with all of her activities and friends and my parents did not have room. She is happy and well adjusted there but I can’t shake the feeling that I am a loser and I have abandoned my own daughter .
I churn these feelings around and around and although I finally think I realize that I’m not going to hit a jackpot and make everything better(get a house,get her a car, get my life straightened out) the gambling started to become something to just numb my pain. Make me not feel. I realized this when I had won over 1000 dollars and stayed there all night and spent it all back. It’s not really about the money at all.
Today I am meeting my old coworker for breakfast. I told her I had no money and she really wanted me to go and she insisted she will pay. Ugh. I have exactly 4.00 in change for gas and this must last me for 2 weeks. I have no one to borrow from and I have nothing to sell or pawn. I can’t ask my parents as they have been kind enough to provide food and shelter when I could not.
Hoping that this new counselor will be able to help me. But I don’t see her until next Sunday.
I’m going to just survive and push through these weeks until I can see her.

[tarasweettara]

Thank you for the information. I have been looking around at the resources here and did try the helpline but no one was there? I did see the schedule for groups and am on a mobile device but will try again when I get back to my PC. It seems like everyone here is helpful and considerate and I am looking forward to interacting with everyone as I document my journey. My crisis mood is lifting a little and that is when I start rationalizing and romanticiZing my gambling. I really need to hold on to the feeling of this deep guy wrenching despair. I am going to write my way through it and work through these emotions this time. I am no longer allowing myself to numb my personal pain with a keno machine and a beer. Thank you again Adele.

[tarasweettara]

Thank you for the information. I have been looking around at the resources here and did try the helpline but no one was there? I did see the schedule for groups and am on a mobile device but will try again when I get back to my PC. It seems like everyone here is helpful and considerate and I am looking forward to interacting with everyone as I document my journey. My crisis mood is lifting a little and that is when I start rationalizing and romanticiZing my gambling. I really need to hold on to the feeling of this deep guy wrenching despair. I am going to write my way through it and work through these emotions this time. I am no longer allowing myself to numb my personal pain with a keno machine and a beer. Thank you again Adele.

[tarasweettara]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read. I think I do need to self exclude at this point. The thing that has held me back from doing that before is shame and not wanting my family to know. My father and sisters like to go and I always considered it something we could all do together. It’s no longer fun for me and not one of them know how often I was going because I was very sneaky. I really need to think about my recovery and I think self exclusion is an absolute must for me. If I did that I guarantee that would put a huge road block in my way. I would have to go to West Virginia if I wanted to gamble and that is not really an option. I am making a promise to myself that I will self exclude, go to ga and counseling and I holding myself accountable for these things.

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