[TheElder2000]

2 weeks and a day down, 3-4 poker games missed…

Money controls help..I don’t have access so I can’t gamble as easily.

Made it about halfway through Easyway-not sure if it is a good or not but am going to try to finish it this week.

Putting energy into cleaning, organizing, and diet…

Stress level is much lower without gambling. I don’t get the highs but there were not a lot of highs-but the trade off is I don’t get the lows either and there were a lot of lows.

Sleep is better, life is better-I wish I could keep the pain of losing closer to my brain, but it tends to disappear quickly.

Another day tomorrow:-)

[TheElder2000]

Action action action! Well written and all too accurate!

I hate slot machines but occasionally get sucked in to them. And If I don’t hit a big jackpot on one (and I have NEVER hit a big jackpot on one) I know I am going to put everything I have into it.

Makes no sense-can have as much fun on a video game I paid 50 bucks on–but rational does not enter the equation.

My last trip to Vegas I was up 9k after a day-down 25K after 3 days….Enough is never enough…so starting is not a option….

[TheElder2000]

Thanks Vera-my concern is I was never a everyday gambler (with the exception of a 100K Party Poker splurge in 2004) I go awhile and then fall hard…But I have taken steps this time that have to help. I have given all my credit cards that have cash advance capabilities to a friend who lives a hour away. I still have access but it is not easy. I am self banned from the poker sites. I am trying to keep the amount of money I am carrying down to a minimum…

Today is day 9—I guess thats progress….

[TheElder2000]

Well-that was a week with not a penny gambled.

[TheElder2000]

Your blog about sums it up!! I would start one myself but it would say exactly the same thing——

[TheElder2000]

Thought I had tonight all figured out-its Sunday-Poker night-but had a date-but she was not feeling good—-so I reverted to my old vice and hit the poker game because this time will be different:-)

1200 dollars later I leave the poker game feeling like shit (not that it matters but I flopped a set of Kings—on the turn he bets, I raise, he calls—with 2,3-and hits a club on the river to to take my 1500 dollar pot down with the smallest flush you can have-but he beat my set of kings. Win and I am ahead 300, lose and I am well, here, typing on the computer…but it doesn’t matter. If the crash did not happen tonight it would happen later )

Now the depression comes, and the why the —- am I so stupid comes, and the overriding want to stay in bed all day tomorrow comes, and the why did I lose again comes. (The guy who won the last hand had not won all night-had not hit anything all night-but like clockwork he hits against me).

So i leave the game in a rage-the stupid drunk should not have been in the hand. There is no way I lose when I am 90% to win with one card to come. I raised it 200 pre flop and he called with 2,3. I checked the turn because I was so far ahead-if I had bet it he would have folded as he had to hit runner runner to win. But If I push I win a 400 dollar pot and am about even. But I played it right, no way he makes that push with 2,3. But he did, and the card Gods —-ed me once again. Over and over they —- me…I know they are going to —- me did I really have to lose 1200 dollars proving once again what I already know?

So I vow once again to stop, and to try and find some normal in my confused and —-ed up world. I took the next step, I left the Facebook group that announces the game, I deleted all the people on line who invite me to games, I told my very good friend (who runs the game I was at tonight) that I did not want to hear about poker games, about his wins or loses, if he does not respect my boundaries I will block him)

Ive seen this —-ing movie so many times, every time I take another step towards getting the —-ing monkey off my back. But this time really feels different. I have never gone this far before.

Have to find something to feel the gap that will be left, Something to take up the OCD.

Trying to figure out how I feel-and its almost nothing. The healing process begins almost immediately. I can so quickly forget how utterly shitty I felt a short hour ago. The —-ing disease is insidious. I remember but I can’t recall the pain. I have no more money to lose or I would probably go back and rebuy.

But I truly don’t —-ing want too-but I truly —-ing want too-

—- me-replaying the last hand over and over again-always a crash-sometimes I play bad and lose, sometimes I play good….and lose. But I usually lose.

Have to stop- can’t keep going.

Its 212am-God I hope sleep will come quickly—

[TheElder2000]

I appreciate all the comments-Second day done-:))

Oh if it was just as easy as stopping it-even earlier today I heard the slot machines calling my name–Pharaohs Fortune-and I can’t exclude from where the slots are. 500 meters from work-have never actually won anything on slots-never. But I will still shove money in and wait for the possibility of a jackpot.

Makes no sense, its not logical. I do not enjoy it. Even if I win I do not enjoy it…but sounds…….

But I did not go-I did not put my money in…

Day 3 is 30 minutes old..

[TheElder2000]

Thanks for the message Harry-no problem on the help line. I saw my turn had come about 20 seconds too late:-))

There are G.A. meetings on the US bases that are not a option-all the other ones, even if they are in English-are a few hours away.

The site will have to suffice–but it really does not matter how much support I have or do not have. I have to want to stop-I didn’t before-I do now.

Did get a invite to a game today-but I declined…first challenge passed.

Sending my credit cards that can be used for gaming elsewhere—I will not have access. Reducing my atm limit to 100 bucks a day (should say I want to-have not asked the bank yet but I don’t imagine its a difficult request). On one entry somewhere on here someone recommended The Easy way to stop Gambling by Allen Carr-have no idea if the book is worth anything but it can’t hurt so I bought and am reading…..

[TheElder2000]

Thanks Kpat–

Really am to the point where choice is not part of the equation:-(( I still have a job, I am not dead broke but am certainly on the edge..Either I quit or I fall off the cliff of full financial ruin:-))

As destructive as I am willing to be with Gambling-I am not willing to take the last step.

Getting away from the online poker stops a couple of grand a month from leaving the coffers, and I didn’t miss it the last time I self excluded. (Its insidious that the sites welcome me back exactly at the 6 month moment-all I have to do is send them a email and I am back. When I get that 6 month email it triggers desire that I find hard to ignore. In order to self exclude I have to get back on the site. Its a very screwed up process.)

No real test for the next few days. I don’t have the money to play online (luckily all my remaining credit is on cards that are not internet casino friendly—what a coincidence.)

I can’t fund netteller without help as I live in Japan….and I won’t ask anyone to help me.

So the next real test is Sunday at the weekly poker game I will not be attending:-))

Anyway—-Day one Halfway done!
James

[TheElder2000]

Its been a few months and 20-30 grand since I have last been on the site. Theres been baccarrat in the Philippines , Slots all over the place, and a lot of Poker.

Self banned from Pokerstars and Full Tilt last night for the 180 day period-the longest I could. Tried to get on here last night-no one on…and spent another couple of hundred on online slots. (That was a first-boring as hell-but I did it).

Went and saw a a Doctor, but his specialty was not really gambling addiction. I talked-he listened, and after 7-8 200 dollar sessions I got bored.

I know I can’t gamble like normal people (and the people I play with are not normal anyway) and quite frankly I am tired of the roller coaster. Want to get off and try for something resembling normal…

Day one starts in 25 minutes…..

[TheElder2000]

Been trying to figure out…why. Its not enough to say I gamble to excess, I gamble to my dollar, I lose more then I should…I want to know why.

I usually don’t care why. If your late your late, the why doesn’t matter. But I want to know whyI can’t gamble like a “normal” person. Normal people set a limit, lose it, and walk away. I set a limit, lose it, and set a new limit.

I know that if I am not gambling I will replace the compulsion with something else, food or shopping.

So I am not sure if I am just CG, or CG is just the most expensive of my addictions 🙂

[TheElder2000]

Thanks for the note-

I have told my friend before, unfortunately I don’t have a lot of credibility with him when I say I am done. He won’t offer support so I am choosing not to tell him..I have told one other person…

I could probably find a blocker, but the fact is I need to maintain some accountability in the process. I can’t put a blocker on all the devices I use everyday-I just have too many. Plus if I want to gamble I can also find a way. There are 100 slot machines within a mile of my work location, and another 100000 slots and pachinko machines relatively close. I have to want to stop. I do want to stop.

I am on Tokyo time, and my last post was close to going to sleep time. But I appreciate the invite…and the message..

[TheElder2000]

I respectfully disagree-but I appreciate the conversation…..

[TheElder2000]

Thanks for the message:-)

I actually have never gone missing on her-she just does not like gambling…but whatever-life goes on-

Poker is game 4 hours old-Im past it for tonight:-)

[TheElder2000]

No groups in English though-:)

25 minutes to the Poker Game-Started to go to the club-but the club means slots-so didn’t go to the club.

Ahh the shuffle-the dopamine rushing to my head and I finger the chips, the anticipation…what are the two cards, will they hold up, will they hit, will the board help, is the opponent tight or loose, strong or weak, what does his bet mean, pot odds, implied odds, what am I getting in return for my bet, the turn card, the river card, showdown, bluffing, bad beats, good bet, the aftermath, sleepy tomorrow, useless at work, win and want to play again, lose and really want to play again, agh-the dopamine wears off and all that is left is the doubt and regret…

15 minutes…6.2 kilometers away-escape awaits-cant go-wont go-but want to go….

But I think I will always want to go—

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