[worriedmama]

Nothing about this is easy for either the addict or the family. I too am familiar with that feeling of being kicked in the gut when they phone with the request for $$$.

Like a lot of addicts mired in addiction your son is delusional. It’s weird though given enough time they can wear us down to actually give credence to their delusions. We want so badly to believe them yet time after time we are disappointed:(

We had some tough financial times with our business and therefore like you couldn’t afford to continually bail our son out. Probably was our saving grace.

Please keep reaching out if only to vent (better out than in). It doesn’t have to make sense and you definitely don’t have to wait until you feel you are saying and doing all the “right” things. This is a process (unfortunately a long one) and just as your son has work to do if he wants recovery so do we.

Cathyx

[worriedmama]

Boundaries/responsibilities get very mixed up when you are the parent of a gambling addict . We all want to help our kids … it’s what we do. Problem being when they are an addict this help keeps the addiction alive and when they can’t get what they want from us the problem is all down to us for “not supporting” them.

Try and step back from the situation. What would you say if it was a friend telling you this same story? I am not saying that will make this any easier to deal with but it puts it into perspective. Lending him money will not help him get well. Unfortunately he may have to lose his property 🙁 to hit a point where he realizes he needs help. Us intervening in them hitting their natural rock bottom just doesn’t help.

I know you are sad, angry, frightened watching this trainwreck. Is there a Gam Anon group in your area? Getting real life support was a lifesaver for me.

I’m so sorry you are going thru this… Please keep reaching out.

Cathy

[worriedmama]

In spite of the distance and the fact we have never met it is still so special and kind that you keep me in your thoughts 🙂

Life with a CG is never dull. My son has hit many rock bottoms over the past few years with myself right along with him! I finally quit being his enabler (only took me 11 years!) and finally things started getting better only after they got incredibly bad.

He finally reached out for help and ended up in a treatment facility for addictions (not specifically gambling) for 5 weeks. The change in him is nothing short of a miracle. Looking back I feel badly that it took us so long to let him fall… maybe this wouldn’t have gone on so long BUT for whatever reason we just weren’t ready.

He continues to really work his program and I mine. I still have lots of work to do on myself … all of this has been a huge wake up call!

Best wishes to all… both sides of this horrible addiction!

Cathyx

[worriedmama]

That hits the nail on the head Charles!

Sadly when the addict in your life is not ready to recover it can be thrown back at you…

“How can you not trust me??? Don’t you love me? I said I was done with gambling this time”

It can take a long time to get to trust your instinct which seems to be right most of the time.

Cathyx

[worriedmama]

So sorry… I can feel your frustration.

I hope this doesn’t sound rude/harsh but currently you have the insane running the asylum. You keep looking for rational behaviour from your son who is mired in addiction. It is just not possible for him to see this until he feels pain and consequences.

We all do it. Keep trying to find that magic word or piece of advice where they finally see and admit what they are doing is self destructive. We can see it as clear as day… why can’t they?

Maybe it’s time for you and your wife to reclaim your lives. It is very hard on a marriage and addiction just loves to divide and conquer… create lots of chaos so that the attention is off the addiction.

I really am so sorry … this is c**p all round.

Cathyx

[worriedmama]

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling Monicau. I know it’s hard for you to see from where you are but you really are making progress.
This too shall pass.

Cathyx

[worriedmama]

Glad you and your wife are feeling stronger in your resolve. At the end of the day that is the only thing that helps us (and inadvertently the gambler).

It really is a journey of 2 steps forward 1 step back and then 1 step forward and 2 steps back isn’t it? Some days I wonder how the **** did we end up here but then I look around and everybody has their “stuff”.

We (meaning me) are back looking after my sons finances which is exhausting but he feels necessary in his recovery. Even though it is at his request it is difficult finding that balance between supporting and taking over.

Thoughts to you and your wife… this road is exhausting and gut wrenching so much of the time. I am glad you are finding your strength.

Cathyx

[worriedmama]

Hi ChalSteve

How go things in your world?

Cathyx

[worriedmama]

The hardest thing about having a child as a compulsive gambler is that feeling that we should be able to help, to get them to see the light but nothing ever gets through or makes a change.
Turn it around and decide what you want to have your home life look like. I know it’s hard with our children BUT it is your home and you get to make the rules .

Can you find a Gam Anon meeting in your area. It is a great way to find help and support for you. You don’t need to be alone facing this!

Take Care

Cathyx

[worriedmama]

I too am the mom of a 28 year old CG. Plain and simple… this is the hardest thing I have gone through as a mom and the hardest thing my husband and I have gone through as a couple. It is always the elephant in the room and NEVER discussed because everyone gets uncomfortable.

As far as your son wanting to go to Florida. I think it’s very common. The idea of running away and sorting yourself out is very appealing unfortunately… wherever you go, there you are! If ,however, he has sorted it out to go then so be it. Maybe he has a lesson that he is meant to learn by doing this. My experience is a person deep in addiction is just not rational and their thinking is very messed. Things that make no sense to you or I make perfect sense to them.

I know you and your husband are both so frustrated, angry and afraid. Unfortunately you have to let it play out. As Velvet says when the conversation is steered away from addiction and all the chaos it can entail it quite often can help. Trying to be supportive without enabling (very hard to do) and trying to make your home less about the CG and more about yourselves it always a step in the right direction.

Take Care

Cathyx

[worriedmama]

I think the best thing would be to suggest she get back to a GA or other 12 Step Program. Unfortunately this addiction will be with her for life so she will need to work on her recovery daily.

You are doing great. I would suggest trying a Gam Anon group for your own support. Here you will learn how to support without enabling.

Take Care

Cathyx

[worriedmama]

Unfortunately this is just an addict being an addict. Most of what a compulsive gambler does while being in action does not make any sense to anybody except themselves.

He can’t apologise as in his mind it isn’t him that has the problem… it’s the rest of the world. Anything to protect his addiction as that is his true love at the moment.

It hurt’s and it’s awful but it isn’t personal. Your son is in there somewhere and will hopefully emerge sooner rather than later.

Cathyx

[worriedmama]

Ditto Redare’s comments. Trying to detach from your son is exceedingly difficult for a mom.

If you can find a way to supporting your son without enabling the addict you will start to find some peace of mind. Not easy but a necessity. I have struggled to find this balance for years!

I hope you are able to make the chat on this forum. Having support is vital to staying sane.

Cathyx

[worriedmama]

Nice to meet you but sorry about the circumstances:(

I have been walking this road for 10 years. That is not said to scare you but as an indication of the relentlessness of this addiction. The only way it abates is when the addict stares “addiction”in the face and no longer buys the crap he is selling.

So very difficult watching a loved one destroy themselves. The best thing you can do is help yourself. If you can find a Gam Anon group you will find the face to face support invaluable.

When you lend money, help with debts, provide gas money etc it just frees up more money for gambling which takes them further down the rabbit hole. Eventually at the end of the day they need to feel the consequences of gambling away their money. If they don’t feel the pain there is no reason to change. Just a note… your idea of pain and your sons is probably miles and miles apart.

I have spent years not quite comfortable letting my son hit rock bottom. Afraid he would lose his great job or kill himself which comes up frequently after big losses. We become terrified and give him one more chance and the cycle continues.

I know your fear, anger, sadness, frustration and hopelessness. Honestly the sooner we move away from their chaos and allow their story to play out the sooner they will decide that maybe recovery is in their best interests.

There is always hope for both you and your son.

Cathyx

[worriedmama]

You are doing great Chalsteve!

I am 10 years into this and still wobble and fall. I do great when things are going well and as soon as my son relapses I feel like I am back to step 1 again..:(

As with Gam Anon (which I attend… though feel like a big failure sometimes) it is helpful to hear others stories. To hear I am not alone. To hear that this isn’t easy for anybody and I am not a big loser as I can’t fix this.

We gain strength and hope from each other.

Cathyx

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