I have attended his (anonymous) 12 steps workshop on and off for 12 years now. Today it feels very STRANGE. I find the message he carry today was the BEST. I was glad to be in the workshop today. This is what I need to hear in these 12 years.
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How many more times do I want to RELAPSE before I stop?
I am VERY SICK of relapse each time. I do not wish to relapse again and ready to stop today.
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Why did I relapse?
I was NOT HONEST about stopping. I told myself if I GAMBLE OR TAKE ALCOHOL NEXT TIME, IT WILL BE DIFFERENT, I WILL BE CAREFUL THIS TIME.
I should NOT have listen to what my mind tell me.
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I am ready to STOP . I am ready to be HONEST, HUMBLE and live life with HUMILITY….Otherwise ISM will hit me:
ISM = Incredible short memory
ISM = I sell myself
ISM = I sabotage myself
INCREDIBLE SHORT MEMORY
How many times have I been burnt real bad when I gamble or drink.
Have I learn my lesson after so many times. Of cos I have learn my lesson because they hurt and are real painful each time.
Yet the addict inside me still want to gamble.
I tell myself that it will be DIFFERENT THIS TIME, I will be more CAREFUL NEXT TIME.
ADDICTION is CRAZY, INSANE, TOTAL MADNESS.
I keep doing the SAME THING expecting a DIFFERENT RESULT.
I was burnt real bad so many times holding on to a burning iron. Of cos I have learnt my lesson but that crazy addiction inside my head still want to hold the burning iron again.
My head keep telling myself that this time will be different, I will be more careful, I will be all right but I still get burn again. If this is not CRAZY, INSANE, TOTAL MADNESS, I don’t know what to call it.
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This question my honesty in recovery. I need to be honest about stopping acting out. If I am using or acting out in anyway, I am not honest to self. I need honesty to do recovery.
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TODAY I RENEW MY COMMITMENT ON THIS DAY DATED 23 JULY 2017 TO BE HONEST TO SELF, BE HUMBLE TO GOD AND MY ADDICTION AND LIVE WITH HUMILITY ONE DAY AT A TIME.