[kin]

Dear diary,

Everything looks good and was fine but is it? really?  My life was so deceptive and unpredictable so far, good times never last.

Work, Gambling, Alcohol, Food, Repayment plan, Health or Relationship related can be the cause of a new fire in my life and soon everything will be burning, and my life will be in a mess again after a full-blown relapse. The last act is usually gambling.

There is a strange calmness after the hurricane left, leaving behind a trail of destructions. Now I need to check what is my damage.

I cannot freeze now and do nothing; there is little time to sink in self-pity, and morn my losses because the next bill or financial commitment is nearing. I need to find an income quickly and do what it takes before the problem become from bad to worst.  

I am an addict. My story is nothing new. Of cos, I am frustrated after a relapse. Of cos I wish there is no slip or relapse in recovery but they are a part of my life. This is no excuse for a relapse, the earlier I break free from this vicious cycle the better, yet life cannot shut down as a result, I need to find the last ounce of strength to carry on.

When everything falls apart. I can just take one baby step at a time and do the next right thing.

[kin]

Dear dairy,

I am not going to go into the blame game.

I thought I found the perfect job in recovery; no stress plus long working hours giving me no free time to gamble, flexible pay weekly or daily providing me the much needed money to pay my bills and commitments on time.

Unfortunately, I can plan but things may not turn out according to my plan.

I left a stressful job to go into this new one. Life was good in June, July, August. I was able to focus on the work but I was distracted very soon from the problem at workplace. The problems come from the hirer and its client. I was soon doing more work than I was hired to do, and it tired and stress me out. This problem was not supposed to happen, but the hirer is incompetent, they are always short-handed.

I plan to change job and started attending job interviews. It was a tough experience working 12 hours at night and attending job interview after work in the day, and going back to work in the night again. I don’t get enough sleep. It was also very stressful because of the waiting and rejections from the job hunting.

I wish I had more money and not be stuck in this messy workplace. I make the mistake of placing my first bet.

The most painful thought and saddest part about this bad gambling relapse was that it can be avoided.

These are the critical point

1. If I did not chose the easy way out 

If I had choose to tolerate and work last night instead of asking for an day off to avoid the hard time at working place, I would not be able to find any time to go gambling.

2. If I did not borrow money from a trusted family member. I wouldnt have the excess cash to gamble. 

3. If I choose to call my recovery friends that I am going to gamble, they will stop me and this would not have happen.

4. If I truly accept and believe I cannot ever gamble again. This would not have happen.

Cheat day is so damaging to my recovery. Those winning on cheat day is very deceiving, it encourages me that it was harmless and ok to do it again, it provided me with all the money I needed, but one day I would surely lose everything back and more without fail.

I learn about cheat day in dieting very recently and can relate it to my cheat day in gambling.

Not suffering immediate consequences trick me into believing it was alright and ok to do more cheating.

[kin]

Why did I put my life through all these gambling misery, sorrow and heartaches.

My family and friends did not make any mistake or commit any wrong, why do they have to suffer the consequences of my gambling.

Screaming for help!!!

I will kick someone like this person (me) out of my family…hopeless fellow! 

[kin]

Dear diary,

I chance upon this message on youtube and read it online

The answer Jesus gave in the first part of Mathew 17:20 is very revealing:

Because of your unbelief. Matthew 17:20

This is what Jesus was saying in the first part of Matthew 17:20. He didn’t tell His disciples, « It’s because you don’t have enough faith »; He said, « It’s because of your unbelief. » Your unbelief canceled out the faith you had.

it is not that you didn’t believe; it is that your unbelief negated your faith.. That is why you did not see the desired results. »

Faith Canceled Out
Imagine a team of horses hooked up to a wagon. Under normal circumstances, they would have enough power to move that wagon. But if an equal team of horses was hooked to the other side of the wagon and both teams were pulling at the same time in the opposite direction, the net effect would be zero. With both teams of horses pulling on that wagon with all their strength, it wouldn’t move, because they’re canceling each other out. One team is negating the other. They’re counterbalancing each other.

In the past:

Thought: I have faith I can be gamble free but I cannot believe I can stay gamble free

Feeling: I believe I can be gamble free but I am not sure  I could stay gamble free.

Action: I was gamble free on most days but gamble on some.

Thought: From today onwards, I am changing my belief system. I shall believe I can stay gamble free.

Jesus turned back to this father and declared, « If you can believe, all things are possible to him that believes. » Mark 9:20-23

[kin]

Everything change after I have let go of my self will, and ended in places, jobs with good things that I cannot imagine.

However, everything change again when I decided to take over the steering wheel after I start experiencing the slightest distress, hardship and suffering.

If I had follow God’s will, I would have accepted anything that God give me whether good or bad. If I was in the recovery mode, I would have accepted living life on life ‘s term.

Why did I follow and trust God’s will and the recovery program fully in the beginning and still DOUBT and NOT TRUST them completely later.

If I had follow God ‘s will and was in the recovery mode, I would not be listening to my own desires and ways.

What is wrong with me? Why did I expect only pleasures and cannot tolerate stress, hardship and suffering.

Why am I so foolish to seek happiness that do not last.

If I am fasting; I would not be feeding my desires below:-

1. It is ok not to go to work, just call in to take an off day.

2. It is ok to drink alcohol, just make sure that I stop after I achieve the desire effect.

3. It was ok to break the fast and start all over another day. Eat whatever I desire now even though I do not need it and was not hungry.

4. It was ok to borrow a sum of money to convenience me and inconvenience others.

5. It was ok to do something that brings me pleasure but suffering to others.

6. It was ok to gamble, and take my mind away from all my troubles, it may even help me to increase my money. Basically I just do not care about right or wrong and its consequences. I only care about the pleasure I get doing it. I risk losing all the money, falling into debt and my freedom to do things all over again.

I never talk about it but my actions speak a lot about me.

When I was desperate, helpless, hopeless and do not know what to do, I will seek God’s will and the recovery program.

They work because God’s will and the recovery program never ask me to choose the easy way, over eat, over work, take alcohol, gamble etc.

But whenever I experience stress, hardship and suffering. I will not tolerate and try to escape this situation. Whenever I listen to my will, I will get myself into all kind of troubles. I ended up creating a bigger problem and dig a bigger hole than it was before.

I was so foolish and stupid.

Day Two (Sunday)

[kin]

I have this impulsiveness, impatience and compulsiveness that doesn’t go well together with gambling.

If all was well, and I look in total control, the answer is not yet, surely and slowly I will become impulsive, impatience and lose all self control eventually.

For many years and so many times, I saw a control bet turn into an all or nothing bet size in the end.

I do everything to the extreme, something my gambling had in common with alcohol and eating. I will gamble until I have none to gamble, I will drink alcohol until I cannot drink anymore, I will eat until I cannot eat anymore. 

As early as I can remember 25 years ago, I was very shock and shaken when this happen. Where is all my common sense and logic.

Being in recovery has brought calm, control, peace into my life for a long time but seeing myself turning suddenly into this impatience, impulsive and compulsive person everytime during a slip or relapse really shock me, it still sadden me and I am really very disappointed with myself.

[kin]

It is going to be a heavy baby step in the beginning, it is going to be tough.

God is always there, the recovery support group meetings and recovery program is always there, the serious recovery people are there. I just need to work harder to get a new job and follow the repayment plan strictly at the same time.

I have no room for any slip in the next 12 months otherwise I cannot repair the hole.

Without GT and its platform for me to write and keep a journal, think I will sink into a depression.

[kin]

If I know God, I wouldn’t be doing all the sinful things I did.

If I know God, I will be denying my desires.

If I know God, I will not be doing against what the scripture say.

I did not have an intimate relationship with God and I have lower my standard to make sin acceptable.

I elevate some sin more than the rest but a sin is a sin, all sins are the same.

I need to stop lying and misrepresent the truth.

I was afraid to pray for someone in the public because I was afraid they will not be heal, and I care about how others look at me.

I was afraid to mentor another recovery person because I was afraid that I will be a bad example

I have read a little about God and the 12 steps recovery program, but I do not live a life that represent God and the 12 steps recovery program.

People are dying in the hospital everyday, so what am I doing with my life today

Am I going to live the false hope or start living the true hope? 

[kin]

I was selfish, self-centered, self seeking when I prepared the money, time and place.

If I had place others interest before me, I wouldn’t have the money and time to gamble.

Jesus two commandments Matthew 22:37-40,

The first commandment

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. .

The second commandment

Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.

On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

The direction was so simple and easy to understand, yet I have choosen to disobey and love myself first, resulting in this disaster. I have to take full responsibility for my action and mistake.

If I have obey and follow the Truth, this disaster would not have happen, I should not have taken matter into my own hand, I should not have taken over the steering wheel.

So many months of effort was wipeout by one single day of insanity !!!

It was a very very heavy price to paid. 

[kin]

The only common sense I have left was the fear not to borrow some more money to continue my self-destructive behaviors and made matter worst.

I was able to stop. I can still remember those days in the past when my problem was very serious, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I would continue to borrow money to gamble until I have no one to borrow from before I stop.

I have really hit rock bottom this time, if this was any consolation, it was not the deepest rock bottom that I ever had. I shall need to stay focus and discipline for a year to walk out of this mess I created for myself.

[kin]

I would love to add this 2 activities to my things to do list.

1. Fasting – develop mental strength / giving up doing the things I love / resisting temptation and cravings
2. Exercise – develop physical strength

[kin]

Dear diary,

I weight today, it was disturbing, I gain 4 kg, I have a eating disorder and has been over eating carbohydrates, drinking sweet stuff over the last few days.

I receive a call that I was sucessful in my job application today.

I will take a long walk in the park later to catch some sun.

[kin]

A Brief History of A.A., p. 63:

Bill Wilson, one of the co-founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, traced his journey to sobriety through the Oxford group.

« My depression deepened unbearably and finally it seemed to me as though I were at the very bottom of the pit. I still gagged badly at the notion of a Power greater than myself, but finally, just for the moment, the last vestige of my proud obstinacy was crushed. All at once I found myself crying out, ‘If there is a God, let Him show Himself! I am ready to do anything, anything!’

Suddenly, the room lit up with a great white light. I was caught up into an ecstasy which there are no words to describe. It seemed to me, in the mind’s eye, that I was on a mountain and that a wind not of air but of spirit was blowing. And then it burst upon me that I was a free man. Slowly the ecstasy subsided. I lay on the bed, but now for a time I was in another world, a new world of consciousness. All about me and through me there was a wonderful feeling of Presence, and I thought to myself, ‘So this is the God of the preachers!’ A great peace stole over me and I thought, ‘No matter how wrong things seem to be, they are still all right. Things are all right with God and His world.' »

In the subsequent development of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson eventually distanced himself from the Oxford Group in order to reach out to Catholics and other groups who were uncomfortable with the evangelical emphasis.

However, many of the traditions of the Oxford Group continue in the A.A. approach and the Bible remains a foundation for recovery for many of those in A.A. and other 12 Step groups.

[kin]

Those who know God and the 12 steps recovery program will not be doing what God and the 12 steps recovery program tell them not to do.

I have not obey and do what I was told. I intentionally lower my standard to accept sin and continue sinning. No one is perfect was my best excuse.

It has open up my eyes to who are the true followers, false teachers and the ignorant ones.

I was the biggest loser in the end!

[kin]

If I am not gambling, I have nothing to fear! There is no gambling debts!

[kin]

If I am not gambling, the casino cannot take away my money
The bank, legal money lender and loan shark cannot earn my interest
Family and friends do not need to fear me, they worry that I will borrow money from them

Gamble free for five days

[kin]

Do I go around telling people how « I » obey God and work the 12 steps recovery program to make myself look and feel good? Do I compare myself with others? Does it make me feel that I am better than another person?

The Bible and the 12 steps recovery program does not teach me to praise and glorify « me » « myself » « I ». It will only feed my pride and ego, making me more proud, arrogant and careless, more selfish, self-centered, and self-seeking.

The Bible and the 12 steps recovery program teaches me to share my testimony or story to praise and glorify God and the 12 steps recovery program to help another suffering person.

I am waiting for the new job to start on the 17th October and have the whole day off today.

I wish to exercise and do some jogging. I wish to do it at the recovery drop in centers and I was half way packing my attire into my bag when I heard a voice asking me whether I am doing this to show off to the other recovery people there. Wham! It hit me and I changes my mind, I immediately drop my things and leave home to jog in the park below. I just finish my jog at the park and was glad I did not follow my desire to do it elsewhere.

[kin]

Bro Jordan,

You are right when you told me I can find all my answers in the bible. This is another one. What does the bible say about support group meetings and people more than 2000 years ago.

John 13:34-35 ESV

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Hebrews 10:24-25 ESV

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Matthew 18:20 ESV

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”

1 Thessalonians 5:11 ESV

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

Proverbs 27:17 ESV

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Galatians 6:2 ESV

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13 ESV

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; …

Proverbs 9:10 ESV

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.

1 Chronicles 16:11 ESV Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!

1 John 1:9 ESV If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Ephesians 4:1-32 ESV

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, …

Acts 2:44-47 ESV

And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.

[finding_laura]

sorry to hear of your lapse Kin. Good to see you getting back on the horse quickly and hopefully having learned a little more about yourself and your recovery. I hope you can find comfortable shades of gray in which to live your recovery. Living in an all black or white world can make recovery difficult. We cannot expect perfection. We are human. Sometimes feelings of deprivation can trigger urges. Progress! Congratulations on the new job. What will you do to keep your money safe? Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kin for your support! Keep moving forward!

[kin]

Hi Laura,

I had a little awakening last week. It addresses the grey area  you mention, and this is a good way to start my sixth gamble free day talking about it.

I used to keep quiet and stay out of any conversation because I don’t know what to say when I heard someone don’t like Christian because they have been hurt by one or see someone hurt by people who claim to have practice the 12 steps recovery program for many years.

I have been living in grey areas for more than 10 years in recovery, “no one is perfect” has been my perfect excuse to continue sinning.

I was questioning my recovery after my last relapse recently.

These questions flooded my mind. Why did a married pastor sleep with someone wife? Why did a Christian hit his wife? Why did the pastor steal millions from the church?

Thousands of people love these crooked pastors but they dont know these pastor well. I don’t deny the fact that these pastors love God but if they know God, they would not be doing what God don’t want them to do. Do they really know God?

The same apply to a 12 steps recovery program. Why are these people claiming to be 25 years clean or 30 years clean, only to say things or do things that can hurt others or tear up someone completely? I have even known someone who teaches others the 12 steps program and stealing money from the recovery center. I have known gambling counsellor and recovery center manager who gamble. These people would not have done it if they really know the 12 steps recovery program.

Come back to me. I can relapse in food, alcohol, work, sex, gambling etc. I have an addictive personality and an addict for many years. I have been a recovering person since Aug 2005.  I have spend many years going all over the place here in Singapore trying to find the best way that works for me and different ways to stay total abstinent. There are sucessful stories in every place that I went but that person is not me. My new attempt recently was fasting and learning how to give up doing what I love to do most.

Today, recovery to me is learning how to live my life, it is a lifestyle.

The truth is this:  There will be living problem in life daily, these problems will not disappear just because I was in recovery. Sometime there are less problems, sometime there are more.

Problem or no problem is not a good excuse to gamble! It is not worth it, the price is heavy!!!

Before recovery and in the early years of recovery, I continue to find a quick relief and look for pleasures whenever I experience physical or mental stress, hardship and suffering. I always have an escape door hidden somewhere, sometime more than one.

Things normally turn from bad to worst if I choose the easy way out, I dont know why? it always happen to me.

I learn it the hard way that it was not worth it because in the end, I always made matter worst and life harder, more stressful and more suffering than before.

Today I just hope that I could accept and tolerate with my life the way it is. I want to learn to live with my living problems and the stress, hardship, suffering that comes with it.

God and the 12 steps recovery program do not teach me to be selfish, self-centered and self -seeking. They do not teach me to seek pleasures while others suffer, convenient myself but inconveniencing others.

I am 52 years old and living on borrowed time now. How many years do I have left to made amend. Do I want to continue to hurt my family, friends and people around me, they have done no wrong and did not make any mistake, they don’t deserve to suffer because of me.

I have no problem inconveniencing myself, I am ready and willing to sacrifice my remaining years to protect my love ones.

I am ready to strengthen my barriers and hand over my finance to someone to take care or call someone if I want to act out.

There was divine intervention in one recent experience, I was present in places that I do not normally go. I first met someone desperate, helpless and hopeless 5 weeks ago and I conveniently inform him who and where he can seek help. I met the same person in a separate place 2 days ago, he was calm, had a plan and hopeful with life. He told me that he did what I tell him, seek the right person and the right place to get help.

He gaves me the highest compliment but it troubled me because I need to remain humble to have any chance in my recovery, I am nothing without God.

It was not a part of my plan to help him that night, it was not our timing to be there at the same time, it was God’s. I was really unworthy of his praise. All glory goes to God.

This young man helped me as much as it has help him during a time when I was overcome with unbelief. It has given me additional strength, courage, belief and hope to seek God and the 12 steps recovery program.

I am giving up my perfect excuse; no man is perfect so that I can continue sinning.

After 13 years in recovery, I am ready to raise my standard and self-expectation, and I cannot do it on my own. I am ready to seek a more intimate and closer relationship with God, to know God and the 12 steps recovery program better.

I remain an imperfect person in recovery but I was a better person than before. There was a lot of progress and changes in my life since Aug 2005, it was a very slow process but the growth I receive was worth it..

[kin]

I do not have the confident to speak my mind when I share my inner thought in the meeting room. You can never imagine how disorganize was my thoughts and sharing in English when I open up in a face to face AA meeting last night, half of the participants are Asians and the other half are Causcasians.

GT was the perfect answer for a person like me. You guys didn’t know how many times I edit my post each time, this forum is just nice for me….hahahaha

I cannot choose the easy way out, I need to balance my online sharing with face to face meetings. I cannot be stubborn, wilful and lazy.

Thank you Gambling Therapy

[kin]

I have a new full time executive job working 5 days week, office hours and a second job as a relief security guard on Saturday every week.

I only need to work hard. Everything is provided by the grace and mercy of God, it is sufficient.

Once I stop gambling, my debt and loan will slowly and surely be reduce.

Problem or no problem everyday, it is no excuse to gamble!

Today is my seventh gamble free day.

[kin]

I attended my first mindfulness class yesterday.
We did a body scan. The purpose of this body scan mindfulness exercise is simply to notice your body. It is simply about being aware of your body, in this present moment.
In this exercise you will accept and notice your body in its comfort and discomfort.
Usually, our response to bodily pain or discomfort is to distract ourselves or to try and numb the pain.
This class was talking to me because I react to stress, hardship, pain and suffering,
Many times, I slip into auto pilot to seek pleasure, find relief, and escape by abusing food, alcohol, sex, and gambling.

[kin]

I had my first jog after a long time 4 days ago and have been suffering body aches and pain for the last 3 days.

I did not want to rush and want to slowly bring exercise back to my life. I need put in my second jog today.

[kin]

I am beginning to have fear and anxiety. I do not know how I am going to cope with a full-time and part-time job at the same time.

I must at least try and see how everything goes. I need to treasure the rare  opportunities I get now.

[kin]

It was one of the best thing to happen to me this year. At the moment I am lost.

There are too many things to prioritize and do now over losing weight.

I need to make money, provide for the family, honor my repayment plans, exercise, and not gamble at the same time.

[kathryn]

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
We are only human and can only do so much.
Baby steps……..Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Love K xxx

[kin]

Today was my 8^th gamble free day, I felt a clearer mind compare to the last 7 days. It felt real strange how differently I feel about the same thing then and now.

Then, I thought if I know God and the 12 steps recovery program. I would not be doing what God and the 12 steps recovery do not want me to do.

Loving someone and not knowing someone well is two different things. I can love someone and not know someone well.

This understanding now encourages me to seek a more intimate and closer relationship with God and the 12 steps recovery program.

Today, I woke up questioning my integrity.

Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is watching.

Integrity is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles and uprightness,

a.) Honesty implies a refusal to lie, steal, or deceive in any way

b.) Honor suggests an active or anxious regard for the standards of one’s calling

c.) Trustworthiness and incorruptibility to a degree that one is incapable of being false to a trust, responsibility, or pledge.

d.) Truthfulness or accuracy of one’s actions.

Integrity can stand in opposition to hypocrisy

[kin]

In the past, I love God and the 12 steps recovery program but I do not obey, follow and apply what I know.

« The Devil doesn’t care if you go to church or read your Bible…as long as you don’t apply it to your life. »

Apply it:

Today, pressure or no pressure, stress or no stress, problem or no problem, pain or no pain in my life, I shall not gamble. It is just not worth it, the price is too heavy.

Today I went jogging.

Today I did not borrow money, instead I choose to work part time as a security guard to earn some additional money for my personal expenses next week.

[kin]

Hi Kathryn,

Thank you and your message is well received. I agree with you especially after I put down what was on mind in writing, it was very obvious that I was worried about many things.

I can only do one thing at a time, take one heartbeat at a time, one day at a time.

I need to pray to God more for help! I felt so helpless without God.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread recently. When you changed jobs recently to security I felt that it wasn’t right for you as you have so much more to offer and give. This new job sounds so much better. And I like your posts recently. You need to stop punishing yourself.
I get so much what you are saying about people who do righteous things and then sin. I experienced this at GA lately when I found that my sponsor had been gambling the entire time which is why it just didn’t work for me and was doing more harm than good. We must be so careful when people r vulnerable. Why do they do it? Because they are human. And humans sin or make mistakes or have habits that are too deepy engrained making change difficult. But I do sense a new kin emerging. All of the glory goes to god because without him we r nothing.

[kin]

Hi Monica and all,

Thank you for the encouragements. I am learning and was trying to love others in my recovery.

When I was gambling, I am so selfish, self-centered and self-seeking. How many times have I place my interest before others, seek pleasure while others suffer, convenient myself and inconvenient others.

This year I thought I can learn to be responsible and contribute to my family every month. It was my commitment to them. It all went well for the first nine months until I had a relapse. I only have 3 more months to go and I would have completed a year. This is so important to me because this act of love can help me continue to regain the trust, confident and belief that was lost from my immediate family members.

I do not wish them to suffer anymore as a result of my relapse and I am determined to deliver within my deadline. I am not giving up without a good fight, it is giving me the motivation until the end of the year to work hard and repair the situation.

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth4,

Thank you for sharing with us your daily journey, it has certainly help me feel that I was not alone.

As I write to you every time, I was also checking myself.

Today I can feel my body-aches and pain from the exercise yesterday, my stomach cramp and back hurt.

I worked 12 hours last night doing relief part time work and will be working again tonight, I am losing sleep doing this work, it can be tiring in the long run.

My biggest worry will be on how I cope on the new job. My anxiety is growing with 3 more days to new job start date.

If this is another person, I would have advised the person;

1. not to do too many things in too little time.

2. It is alright to stretch the repayment plan as long as we are not gambling.

3. Once the gambling stop, the debts is not going to increase. My debt increases every single time because I return to gambling.

4. Be careful not to slip into auto-pilot, because people like me react naturally to pressure, stress, hardship, suffering, tiredness and pain, I will automatically self-medicate and find a quick fix through gambling, alcohol, food etc.

5. Focus on the present moment, live one day at a time, take one baby step at a time.

6. Stay focus, be patient and tolerant of any daily problem I face.

7. List of potential things to do to replace gambling; attend Church service and recovery support group meetings, jogging, mindfulness exercise, fasting…

I cannot change the damage and what I did in the past, but I really hope that I can made amend to repair and improve the relationships with my family, friends and people I know in my remaining years.

I have many financial commitments, but I already notice one big change in me, it did not happen overnight, I used to be more selfish and self-centered.

I have credit card and bank loan to service too, but I choose to contribute to the family and pay my other necessities first before I used the remaining to top up the minimum payment.

I was a total failure in the past, I always use my own debts as an excuse not to contribute a single cent to my family. Every time I clear my credit card debt and bank loan, I will borrow and gamble again. I feel so frustrated and disappointed with myself each time. I question myself very hard so many times why I gambled and keep repeating the same problem all over again so many times.

I totally lost any confident and trust in myself because I felt so helpless and hopeless when I watch myself losing all self-control in my life because of gambling.

Guess it was the power of God, and years of taking one baby step at a time, suddenly I was also able to do what any normal person could do such as contributing to the family. This has given me hope in recovery and to keep on trying…

Luke 18:27

Jesus replied, « What is impossible with man is possible with God. »

Luke 10:27

He answered, « ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.' »

All Glory Be To God Alone.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin
Thank you for your post on my thread.
You have really grown as a person , andyour thinking of other people comes across really strongly in how you hve been posting in so many other threads .
Life is a process where we all mature and grow in our own way, at our own speed.
I hope your new job goes well and you continue to be able to contribute to your family.

[finding_laura]

Dear Kin.  Thank you for your reply on my thread. I will continue reading yours further but wanted to stop and comment here.  The decisions to hand your money over to someone you strust who is strong enough and wise enough to deal with any demands you may make is a big step.  It was one that helped me greatly.I guess my comments about shades of gray relate to not having life be all or nothing.  For me I found if I tried to deprive myself of too many things  at once it would set me off, set me up for a relapse.  I could not do it all at once.  It meant losing weight at a slower pace to not feel that way. But I had to find that balance in the middle.  I had to learn not to be all or nothing when it came to everything good in life.  I still struggle sometimes.  I think it will be a life time effort.

I feel we have been put here to learn and to draw on a world that was designed to respond to us. God wanted us to succeed in our journey and created a world where what we think and wish for comes into our path.  There are also mysterious signs i’ve seen in my life that make me a believer. Keep focusing on your honourable goals and intentions.  Build your barriers higher.  Resolve your mind. You know what to do.  You can do this.  Wanting to do better for your family is great, but don’t forget to do it for you.  Praying for blessing for you.  

Laura

[kin]

The advice I gave myself in early recovery.

No more excuses and reasons! Stop the gambling first.

When you are in a hole, stop digging!

[kin]

Dear diary,

If I am able to stay on this new job for the next 12 months without any gambling. My situation will improve, the credit card bills and the bank loan will be fully paid on top of the things to do and pay every month.

I am breaking them down into 3 sums of SGD$2,500, $5000 and $4000.  I would like to clear $2,500 by the end of this year before I work on the rest next year.

I have another 76 more days to go to see how I finished the year. Gambling is one of the thing that can ruin it for me, it is like the thief that comes only to steal, kill and destroy.

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.

In the past, the family gets nothing until I clear my loans, I feed the bank and money lender first. Today I see permanent change inside me, I feed the family first before the bank and money lender if there are any.

Gambling only made matter worst. It create more new holes after I cover up the old ones. The debt remain and grew bigger, the family never get fed by me.

[kin]

1.Compulsive Gambling:

This is likely the type of behavior that comes to mind when most people think of a gambling addiction. Here a person is unable to control their desire to gamble. The compulsive gambler will continue to play whether they win or lose, regardless of the consequences. They will also look for opportunities to make bets and wagers even when they know they cannot afford to lose. This is also known as pathological gambling.

2. Binge Gambling:

As the name would suggest, this person exhibit compulsive gambling symptoms only at certain times. A binge gambler may appear to be in control of their problem, as they might go weeks or months without exhibiting any signs of being a problem gambler. However, their compulsive gambling behaviors will reveal themselves when they do start betting, even if these occasions are rare.

3. Problem Gambling:

Even if a person is not entirely addicted to the point of compulsion, it is possible that their gambling habits may not be entirely in their control. A problem gambler is someone who has some sort of gambling behavior that is disturbing their normal life. This can often be identified when a person begins to find themselves chasing losses, lying to loved ones about their betting habits, or starts to realize that they cannot seem to stop themselves from gambling more and more often.

[kin]

Binge eating, gambling and drinking was my self-medication when I feel pressurize, stress, discomfort, hardships, anxieties, suffering, anger, injustice, betrayal, pain, boredom, restless and tired etc.

I planned my relapse, I allow it to happen, the rest is history.

The behavior was predictable, it will go on auto pilot. It was scary watching myself lose all self-control in the end.

[kin]

I have been binge eating lately, and not been fasting and the next best thing I can do now was jogging. It was a beginning, one baby step at a time until it become a regular habit. Done it 3 times, and once every 3 days, there is a lot of room for improvement.

[kin]

Recovery is the healing or process of becoming better emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially.

[kin]

I did not get what I want.

Today I can see what God has given me, it was everything I need to get what I want.

I was living blindly, I had eyes but cannot see previously. 

Day 13 gamble free today.

[kin]

My Panic Attack and Anxiety

As the start date for my new job on the 17^th Oct 2018 draw near… I experiences many worry but after 3 days on the job, I was very relief, all the anxieties and worries I had previously were unnecessary.

I risk falling into big trouble, as I am prone to self-medicating during these times and gamble. I have gambled countless times in the past but this time I did other things instead and survive the experience, writing journal, jogging, watching movie, attending recovery support groups, talking to other people, watch and listen to sermon. 

Anxious or not, fearful or not, panic or not, pressurize or not, stress or not, suffering or not, painful or not, bored or not, sleepy and tired or not, restless or not… they are not an excuse to gamble!

I need to understand that there is nothing wrong.

I only need to have more acceptance and tolerant, I do not need to panic and gamble.

This is one very important survival skill to practice and pick up.

Now I am slowly settling into a new schedule. I have a full-time job that require me to work 9 am to 6 pm Monday to Friday. I work part time from 8pm to 8 am on Saturday evening only.

Sunday is my rest day.

[Monica1]

Iam pleased the new job went well, my oh my no time for anything but work. I love your expression, anxious or not. So true and ty for saying it.

[kin]

Hi Monica,
I am not hiding my weakness, I want it to be out in the open so that I can watch for its presence and not be caught by surprise because by the time it go on auto pilot, it is normally too late.

[kin]

Thank God, I can be busy and still have time to get proper rest now. I woke up today realizing that I have slept more than 12 hours. I cannot remember doing this for a long time.

[kin]

Met a young man in GA today.

Told him about GT and how keeping a journal here helps.

First thing first

Stop gambling, there will be no more new gambling debts

Stop gambling, slowly and surely the debt will be repaid and fully paid up one day.

First thing first

Set up all the barriers

Reduce the likelihood of access to gambling place

Reduce the free time to gamble

Reduce access to money for gambling

Stop feeding the selfish, self-centered, self-seeking demon, feed the family first, before servicing the remaining outstanding loans…over time the person will learn how to be more responsible and loving, less selfish, less self-centered and self-seeking.

Keep coming back to attend meetings

Everything is in the hand of God.It is God’s will, not mine.

Bro Ken, I remember what you told me. Throw the life saver to the person struggling in the water from shore every single time, not jump in the water with him.

The young man need to made his own decision, no one forces him to change, he has the free will to make his own choice.

Do the next right thing, one thing at a time. One baby step at a time. One day at a time 

[kin]

Having work 12 hours a day 6 days a week, I have become very grateful for the 9 hours work 5 day work week I get now. I found myself with more time everyday that I can fully use.

I have been getting in touch with different recovery support groups and friends over the last week. Experience has taught me to do this seriously to protect my recovery because people, places and things can change, they can come and go. Take away any one, any group, or any thing, I will still not be greatly affected because my support continues to be strong. This was something I learn more than 10 years ago and has been building this support network for years.

All glory goes to God, my recovery is not co dependent on any one group or one person, my recovery center on my God, Jesus Christ.

Beside raising my standard and self-expectation. I no longer want to allow myself to continue sinning and doing wrong with this perfect excuse that no man is perfect.

My expectation is realistic and achievable, I stay clean one day at a time.

Counting days helps me to sustain in the long run.

Attending different group meetings and sharing allow me to check myself for any signs of stinking thinking regularly.

The unexpected meeting with a young man 2 months ago and seeing his progress change me. Receiving the highest compliment from him frighten me, I didn’t want to lose my humility.

I must be honest to admit that I was very undeserving and unworthy, all the glory should go to God, it was not my plan to help him or be there for him on that fateful night. I was just a messenger, I happen to be there at the right time and right place.

The experience with this young man has motivated me to make myself open and available to any young person seeking help. I made a big difference to this one starfish (starfish story).

Many times, I cannot help him on my own but my God, the recovery support groups, the 12 steps recovery program and the many recovery friends I have can help him do what I cannot do for him.

Every loving 12 steps teacher I know told me the same thing, not to worry, your presence will help, you only need to share your story and experience.

Gambling comes to rob, steal and destroy!

[kin]

Every old friend here has at one time or another encouraged me the same thing which was not to be too hard on myself, love myself more and also, I was stronger than I think.

This is my story one

But I was like that big elephant that was chained up for many years, I still believe that I was chain up after I was freed, I still think that I was trapped and dared not leave my prison.

This is my story two

We are always told not to place the first bet or first gamble, not to pick up the first drink.

But I like to jump back into same hole, and test whether this time will be different.

Without fail every single time, after I have drop into the hole, I found out that the hole was too deep, and realize I was in trouble again. By then it was too late, and I regretted my foolish act.

If I was given a second chance, I would not jump in the same hole again.

Today was my 19^th gamble free day.

I have made myself very busy and full in the last 7 days. It was time to slow down and catch up with some good rest and sleep today.

[kin]

In the past

My Thoughts

I have huge credit cards debt and I was worried I cannot pay up on time.

My Feelings

I felt very anxious, impatient, fearful and insecure.

My Action Plan

I decided to gamble. This is the quickest way to increase my money

Nowadays

My Thoughts

I still have credit card debts. I was worried, but if I do not gamble, there will not be new gambling debt and the current one will not grow bigger. Slowly and surely, the debt will be repaid and reduced over time and fully paid up one day.

My Feeling

Calm, patient, and hopeful

My Action Plan

I decided to spread out my repayment plan over a longer period of time to make sure my family and living expenses was not affected and also, to ease my stress and burden.

I accepted and tolerate this truth. I learn to live with my debt.

I hope you find this exercise helpful

[kin]

Luke 6:34-38 ESV

And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”    

Psalm 37:21 ESV 

The wicked borrows but does not pay back, but the righteous is generous and gives;

[kin]

Stop judging and condemning others, extend grace to them.

Judgment is a sentence

Grace is giving to others what they don’t deserve

Judgment brings shame and guilt on others, these people will withdraw and leave.

Realistic expectation and love can attract people to stay and help them grow.

Jesus Christ was the mediator between God, the judge and us, man the sinner.

~1 Timothy 2:5

Have mercy instead of judgment

20th gamble free day

 

[kin]

Holloween Weekend:  The place, the people, the party atmosphere, the music, the fun

I have time and money. Still it was not a good excuse to pick up my first drink.

21st gamble free day.

[kin]

Mercy refers to the kind or forgiving treatment of someone who could be treated harshly.

Mercy is God not punishing me as my sins deserve

Grace is God blessing me despite the fact that I do not deserve it.

Forgiveness refers to letting go of the anger and resentment against a person.

Judgment is a sentence 

I seek mercy, grace and forgiveness from God.

Am I a merciful, graceful and forgiving or judgmental person?

[kin]

I don’t understand what this mean
Experience One
The people who criticize me and the person who helps me many years ago is close and seeking help from him now.
Experience Two
A help seeker and friend ask me to help her stay away from the group a year ago but today she was close to the group and I was treated like an outsider by her and the group.
I don’t know what happen, really.
I can only understand that these people are judgmental of me.
I was judgmental and deserve to be judge and condemn by others too. What goes around comes around.

[Monica1]

Groups always behave in weird and wonderful ways according To their position in the group, friendships established and all the other nonsense that goes on in human relationships. Recovery groups of course should not behave in a cliquey way although some unfortunately do. So it isn’t karma, it is just the nature of the group. Find another One!

[kin]

Today is my 23rd gamble free day.

Hi Monica, Your message is well received with thanks!

Carefully and slowly. Easy does it.

[kin]

Hi Amy,

My mum was also a gambling addict, she is 88 years old now and still very active gambling on Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday, her drug of choice is lottery number. On other days she was busy studying what numbers to buy and it has kept her occupied. Mum has been gambling for so many decades and still strongly believe that she has not lost any money, she only remember her big winning and cannot remember all the money she had lost.

In the past, I feel sad, here I am trying to quit gambling, there she is gambling. Worst of all happens when she acted out on me, that was when she tried to control my life like a director saying certain things to manipulate me to do what she wants, this hurt the most.

We, problem gambler, know how and what this is like, we have done this so many times to people who love and trusted us.

Today, I learn to deal with the emotions, I learn to deal with the hurtful feeling; “learn to accept and live with it, not numb it.”

My mum is 88 years old now, her mind is not clear anymore, I do not take what she says too personal now, but her words still hurt the same sometime.

Today, I learn to be more responsible for my action and considerate to others, I do not blame her for my behavior anymore, and I do not try to control or force her to change but I try to change myself.

Stop the gambling, you will not lose your hard-earned income as a result.

Stop the gambling, all your hard earned, saving will not become smaller.

It is hard for a normal person to deal with gambling addiction, it is even harder for someone with a mental health issues to deal with the same thing, but it is not impossible.

Imagine all the struggle with feelings of fear, worries, sadness, disappointment, frustration, anger, pressures, stress, anxiety, panic, loneliness, tiredness, boredom, all the pain and suffering, it felt so real and so desperate…and the temptation that you can escape from them, forget everything and feel good for a few hours sounds too good to be true, isn’t it?

These feelings are not a good excuse to gamble. We can learn to deal with these problems in a more proper and healthy manner without gambling and hurting ourselves.   

Gambling did not help improve the situation, many times it made matter worst than it was before. Gambling comes to rob, steal and destroy.

There is hope! Recovery is the healing or process of becoming better emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially.

I need a Higher Power to help me heal and recover, I need God and recovery friends, I need a mentor, sponsor, or teacher to carry the message to me, I need the bible and the 12 steps recovery program to be my compass and show me the way, I attend recovery support group meetings such as GA, OA, AA, NA, I learn to do things all over , replace the gambling with writting journal, movies, exercise, music, gathering with friends etc.

I was disappointed and frustrated after I pray to God to help me to stop gambling, not realizing that God is good all the times and has given me everything that I need to help me to stop gambling. These things can help me to do what I cannot do on my own.

There is a lot of support you can get here online, it can complement the ones you get in real life. Build up your support network and safety net so that they are always there for you when you need one.

[kin]

Many experience recovery people say the same thing;

you only stop gambling but nothing else about you have change. You are still the same a.s.s.h.o.l.e. who did not gamble

In the past, when I was gambling, I did not provide a single cent to someone I love to show her I care.

Even when I am not gambling, I was the same. I have kept all the money to feed my desires and my feeling. I still did not provide others. I was still the same selfish, self-centered, self-seeking a.s.s.h.o.l.e.

This month will be the tenth month of the year that I have provided. I could see and feel an obvious change this time. I really feels very uncomfortable if I did not provide, it has become something very important to me otherwise the whole recovery thing will become meaningless to me.

The progress has been gradual and slow, but it was all worth it.

I had a relapse recently, it did cross my mind to convenient myself at the expense of my love ones, but I feel lousy, they did not do anything wrong and did not deserve this punishment, they should not suffer the consequences of my gambling so I had to really inconvenient myself this time to made up the difference.

Gambling losses jeopardize everything important to me.

[kin]

Fear, worries, sadness, disappointment, frustration, anger, pressures, stress, anxiety, panic, loneliness, tiredness, boredom, pain, hardship and suffering…They are not a good excuse to gamble!

Accept and live with it, not numb it with gambling.

[kin]

not numb it with gambling.

25th gamble free days!

[kin]

Change everything outside me, nothing inside me change. Change me on the inside, everything about me on the outside would change.

I can stop gambling and set up all the barriers to prevent me from gambling but if nothing inside me change, I am still the same person. If nothing about me change, I will still gamble one day. 

I need God, the bible and the 12 steps recovery program to change me on the inside. I wanted to learn God’s word in the bible. and use the 12 steps recovery program to navigate the bible, one step at a time. I was interested to find out what God says in each step.

God help me to do what I cannot do for myself. Amen!

God is good all the time. All the time God is good. Amen!

Today is my 26th gambling free day.

[kin]

In the past, I was quick to judge and condemn but slow to forgive . It was easier to forgive now, but I am still learning to be humble, merciful and graceful.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin , thank you for your post on my thread.
I agree we need to change on the inside- giving up gambling isn’t enough.
I guess we are all find it easier to judge than to forgive. We are all on our own journey and each of us is a product of where we came from.
We can all be better people – removing addictions from our lives gives us space to work on ourselves.
Well done on your gamble free time akin.

[kin]

I admitted that I was powerless over gambling – that my lives had become unmanageable.

I came to believe that a power greater than me could restore me to sanity.

I made a decision to turn my will and my lives over to the care of God as I understood Him.

28th gamble free days

[kin]

1. The salary is sitting nicely in the bank – Money

2. Today was my off day, I have free time – Time

3. There are many football matches around the clock available for punting today and the betting house is like the 7-11 convenient stores conveniently found nearby. – Place

There have been 2 passing thoughts to gamble in the last 28 days but today was a little stronger and uncomfortable. Is this the thorn in my flesh that I have to learn to live with for the rest of my life?

The problem is not the « free time » I have, the « access to gambling places » or « excess money », the problem was me.

The first layer of protection is always the barrier, but anyone can go around it, it is not fool proof. It is what I do when no one is watching that determine whether all this recovery is going to work for me.

I have cheated countless times in the past, gambling is not like drugs where you could see the physical sign of a relapse. Sometimes I can escape because I did not lose in the beginning, but the ending was different, the result is always the same like every addiction and self-destructive behavior, it will wreck a person.  It is a progressive illness and causes a person to lose the thing most important to them. The price is too heavy, it is not worth it to gamble. Gambling comes to rob, steal and destroy! This is the truth.

I need to remind myself to be more mindful all the times otherwise I can forget easily. I am human and not perfect. Apostle Paul talks about asking God to remove the thorn in the flesh 3 times but God did not remove them.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

8Three times I peaded with the Lord to take it away from me.

9But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me.

10That is why, for the sake of Christ, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I have a God watching what I am doing, I have the bible and the 12 steps recovery program to direct me what is the right thing to do, I have recovery places and support group meetings to attend, I can meet up and spend time with recovery people, alternatively, I can replace habitual self-destructive behaviors with sleeping, watching movie, exercise etc.

The more I practice and apply what was suggested, I will develop an honesty which can help me to stop cheating and listening to my self-deceit and lies. I will become less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking, I would place the interest of others before me, I would be willing to sacrifice my desire and interest, inconvenient myself for them, it is a gift of love. I stop feeding my selfish thoughts and desires.

The more I practice and apply it, the more I would grow spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically and better at walking away from all these slippery situations.

Why do I believe God and the teaching in the bible and the 12 steps recovery program?

There are 9 fruits of the Spirit mentioned in Galatians 5:22: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

These are changes inside a person that we always talk about when we mention nothing changes if nothing changes.

This is a very beautiful program, it does not forces me like a robot otherwise this is a very cruel program, I was given a free will to make my own choices right from the beginning.

I have learnt the long hard and painful way that it does not work when I was at the centered of everything, nothing changes if I was still controlling the steering wheel.

It is not a program about me, I and myself. It was not about my power, my ability and what I can do, it was this false belief, this arrogant and ignorant, this power, this ability and what I did that send me to the deepest rock bottom in the first place.

Recovery teaches me the truth and humility. It does not teach me to glorify myself.

God did not answer my prayer by giving me what I want. God answer my prayer by giving me all the things I need in order to help me get what I want. God help me to do what I cannot do for myself. All glory goes to God alone.

I came to believe that God can restore me to sanity!

God is everything, I am nothing without God!

[kin]

It does shock me a little nowadays when I read the things I write. I didn’t know I could share like this. I don’t know who to tell except thank God for everything!

I can never share like this in real life face to face meeting. I cannot express myself well when I speak and can be very disorganize in my sharing and I really felt like a real fool most of the times after that. I cannot edit or correct my sharing unlike here.

I feel that I sounded like a fake, proud, arrogant, ignorant liar and self-glorifying a.s.s.h.o.l.e. in meetings

It does feel good to be given this chance to be honest about this in the open on this platform about how I felt. I can just be myself in here.

29th Gamble free days! Thank you GT.

[kin]

Preparing to leave for part time work now. Working 8pm to 8am. Will be pre-occupied for rest of the day.

[vera]

I agree , Kin, that « following a spiritual programme »-i.e.The 12 Steps which, are built on God’s will versus My will, is the only answer if we want a true recovery.
There is only one Truth.
TRUTH WILL SET US FREE.
Gambling is an illusion. A deception. A lie.
If we believe we can continue gambling and still enjoy recovery, we are fooling ourselves and we will become slaves.
If we follow Truth, we will be free.
Kin, why not write out some of your comments on GT and read them when you are sharing at your 12 Step Meetings?
Just a sort passage for each meeting. I know from GA, that we can be limited by time and emotion, especially when the group is big and everybody is waiting to share their therapy.
Just a suggestion to allow others to benefit from your wisdom.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin
Thank you for your post on my thread .
Vera’s suggestion is a great one -you write so beautifully- I always feel your writing is inspired by God- that you are sometimes his scribe.

I am thinking Vera’s suggestion would be good for others too- I absolutely hated having my name called out and feeling forced to speak at GA. Perhaps if I had something written I wouldn’t dread the speaking bit so much .

Keep strong Kin- you are a good person and deserve a good life .

[kin]

How badly do you want to stop gambling?

Do you really want to stop gambling? Because when the gambling stop, the problem you are going to face everyday living life is not going to disappear and stop.

If the condition is not right, and there is great discomfort, stress, hardship, pain and suffering in your life. Are you going to self-medicate and return to gamble?

Are you ready to stop gambling regardless of how you feel and think every day?

Are you going to accept and live with this, not numb it with gambling.

When you are ready to start. You only need to stop gambling today, tomorrow you repeat the same thing. One day at a time.

Anyone can stop gambling, but the trick is to stay stop.

Blessings and love

Kin

Today is my 30th gamble free day.

[kin]

The most satisfying thing for me was not staying gamble free but knowing I have work hard and provided for the family today.

It was something I did not do, something I was ashamed, and guilty for many years, however, everything changes after I came to believe that God could restore me to sanity.

James 4:11-12

Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law.

But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge.

There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

[kin]

James 1:12

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial… because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the LORD has promised to those who love him.

[finding_laura]

Good morning Kin, It is good to have brothers and sisters in recovery. I spent an hour this morning reading your thread and catching up on your journey. I drew a lot of inspiration from your words. Sharing your journey, your combined words of wisdom come from the many sources you have had access to in your search for answers and support. Many of us share your demons. Whether they be addictions or the feelings that arise from them. Your monthly financial support to your family is a worthy goal that is helping repair some of the damage done over the years and is improving your relationships. When we move towards recognizing the importance of these, appreciating these, supporting these, it helps balance some of our negative feelings. It gives a value back to our money. It is no longer a means to a selfish end, the currency to buy our next buzz. You are no longer just paying off credit cards and bank loans to make room for the next binge. You are focusing on family first. So if you start finding the pressure of two jobs overwhelming, and you are able to refinance the debt to give you enough room to give up the part time job and still contribute firstly to your family keep that as an option. I calculate 33 days kin. Deep breaths. One step at a time is working. Take care, Laura

[kin]

I have made a decision to reach out to others in real life.

I have been reaching out to strangers I met in recovery who still want to gamble and stop gambling at the same time, quit drinking and drinking at the same time.

They told me they still gamble or drink but I continue to be hopeful. I was given a free will and choice to seek God and the recovery program, the same apply to them. It is God’s will, God’s timing not mine.

I have chosen mercy, grace, humility and forgiveness over judgment, and condemnation. Without it, it was like me walking into a war zone and getting slaughtered.

Without God, I am nothing!

John 8:7

⁷When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, « Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her. »

One day, one of them decided to stop. It change my life. I no longer care how I look infront of others anymore. I wasn’t aware that I was already applying step 12.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other suffering addict, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

33rd gamble free day.

[kin]

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial …

I have witness how others judge, criticize, humiliated, scolded and treated my first and second mentor with no respect when they reach out to suffering addicts.

It was like that for my first mentor 13 years ago and it was the same for my second and current mentor 13 years later in my recovery.

I told both mentor that I do not want to be like them. I strongly feel that both of them do not owe any one of this suffering addict a living to deserve all these ill treatments.

The rest is history.

I only realize today that I was also applying step 12 in my recovery nowadays. I was treated the same now, I was shouted at, despise, ordered around, taken advantage by these unwell people. I was ready and not angry at them.

Everything is in God’s hand.

[kin]

In the past, I tried to stop gambling first hoping to change myself in the end but fail. Today I chooses to change myself on the inside first, to stop the gambling habit in the end.

[kin]

It was all about attending the all addictions anonymous group 12 steps recovery support group meeting in the afternoon and working part time relief security work in the night.

36th gamble free day.

[kin]

Sunday

[kin]

I have gambled all the times when I was mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally tired but not this time.

Today was a slippery day, the first sign was my inability to identify and describe all my feelings at all. I wanted to write but nothing is flowing.

Today is Sunday here, it could have ended in a disaster for me after Friday and Saturday.

Last Friday was my newly joined company dinner and dance event, it was a long day, my day started at 7 am and by the time the event ended, I reach home at 11 pm. That was not all, Saturday was another long day for me, I have 12 steps workshop and all addictions anonymous meeting to attend in the afternoon and I continue to do my part time work at 8 pm on Saturday evening until 8 am in the morning on Sunday.

It is rare for me to keep 2 back to back long day nowadays, because it can put me in a risky situation. I could not think properly and cannot depend on my unreliable feeling after that. Today was such a day.

I was not the same today, my feeling was not straight, all I can only feel was tiredness. Everything else was the same, there are football matches in Asia and Europe for the whole day and I have some remaining money for the rest of the month, Sunday was my off and rest day. The same temptations in life are always there all the times every day but I was more vulnerable and weaker to deal with them today.

My head is telling me that it was ok to gamble on the Australia match at 2 pm, it was against everything I set out to do in this thread and look like my gamble free days will end today as usual, I have never finish the race.

I was a little shock that I suddenly cannot feel the reason not to gamble today, but I knew I was stronger than I think, I have all the tools and experience to not gamble, I am not suffering from withdrawal from not gambling, I can don’t gamble if I do not want it, BUT the big problem was I want it every single time in the past. I allow it to happen. I had a choice every single time not to gamble but I choose to gamble.

It was a habit to listen to me, I, myself and a great opportunity to love myself, feed my desires, and selfish, self-centered, self-seeking thoughts.

The addict mind was so cunning, I was strong enough not to gamble but it is so sneaky, it wants me to go watch and enjoy the game instead of sleeping, I can still gamble in the middle of the game while I am watching the games.

[kin]

Until the next time, I shall not worry about tomorrow but what help me today?

What stops me?

One

It was this thread; this thread is different from all my other threads because I c.o.u.n.t. gamble free days here.

I have made myself a.c.c.o.u.n.t.a.b.l.e here to God and the 12 steps recovery program, GT, my recovery buddies and myself.

Unless I have been lying all these while and not serious about quitting, I can go ahead and gamble now.

Two

I have a clear goal in my life. I plan to make amends with the money I earn now.

The monetary losses this time if I gamble and lost is not big but it will still affect my repayment plan, some thing will remain unpaid this month or maybe forever unpaid if I remain stubborn and willful and continue gambling.

Gambling comes to rob, steal and destroy my peace, freedom and joy. The price I need to pay is too heavy, it is not worth it.

Three

God give me a free will. I was allowed to choose what I want to do. I must put this free will to good use.

I must remember these words from Vera;

“God won’t be mocked. I have spat in His Eye once too often.”

This is exactly what I did every single time but not this time.

Four

I was listening to praise and worship songs. Before the first song ended, something inside me change. All of  sudden, my thoughts and feelings flow, it was like a choke inside me has clear. I immediately put down my thoughts in writing before I lose them.

I have gambled all the times when I was mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally tired but not this time.

I did not forget you sister Vera, and Monica, it really feel very enouraging to know that I am not alone in this journey. I am sure very soon there will be more brothers and sisters joining us. Thank God for gathering us here.

As I finish posting for today, the praise and worship songs is still playing, Amen! 

[Monica1]

Good to read and I know exactly what you mean. You are right in that you are not alone in this journey. We walk with God and our recovery friends. In Him is my strength and resilience. It is a living God, a living relationship.
I too feel similar when I am tired but my down time is my rejuvenation time.

[vera]

Sitting in church, pretending to serve God, with inward intentions to gamble is mockery.
We reap what we sow.
Today, I was planning to gamble, until I read your thread, Kin.
« We cannot serve two masters »
Pretending to serve God and planning to gamble is total deceit.
Thanks for posting your thoughts, Kin.
Even thinking about gambling is exhausting . Dwelling on gambling steals our precious time and our peace of mind.

[kin]

John 8:3-11

³ The teachers of the Law and the Pharisees brought in a woman who had been caught committing adultery, and they made her stand before them all.

⁴ “Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery.

⁵ In our Law Moses commanded that such a woman must be stoned to death. Now, what do you say?”

⁶ They said this to trap Jesus, so that they could accuse him. But he bent over and wrote on the ground with his finger.

⁷ As they stood there asking him questions, he straightened up and said to them, “Whichever one of you has committed no sin may throw the first stone at her.”

⁸ Then he bent over again and wrote on the ground.

⁹ When they heard this, they all left, one by one, the older ones first. Jesus was left alone, with the woman still standing there.

¹⁰ He straightened up and said to her, “Where are they? Is there no one left to condemn you?”

¹¹ “No one, sir,” she answered.

“Well, then,” Jesus said, “I do not condemn you either. Go, but do not sin again.”

[kin]

There are 2 instances in the New Testament when Jesus told someone to “sin no more,”

John 5:1-15

The Healing at the Pool

5 Sometime later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals.

² Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades.

³ Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.

⁴ From time to time an angel of the Lord would come down and stir up the waters. The first one into the pool after each such disturbance would be cured

⁵ One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years.

⁶ When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

⁷ “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

⁸ Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” ⁹ At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.

The day on which this took place was a Sabbath, ¹⁰ and so the Jewish leaders said to the man who had been healed, “It is the Sabbath; the law forbids you to carry your mat.”

¹¹ But he replied, “The man who made me well said to me, ‘Pick up your mat and walk.’”

¹² So they asked him, “Who is this fellow who told you to pick it up and walk?”

¹³ The man who was healed had no idea who it was, for Jesus had slipped away into the crowd that was there.

¹⁴ Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”

¹⁵ The man went away and told the Jewish leaders that it was Jesus who had made him well.

[kin]

One day 6 years ago over breakfast, Bro Jordan’s wife, sister Rina shared this with me. I was a happy and grateful cracked pot ever since.

Light Shines Through Cracked Pots

Psalm 69:6

Everyone is like a pot that carries life. But not everyone carries a presence that blesses others.

Religion tries to force people to follow laws to make them perfect, like pots without cracks. But if a light is put within a flawless pot and then covered, no one can see the light inside the pot.

Perfect pots are not able to reveal internal light to illumine the way for others. God chooses to shine through imperfect, cracked pots.

People are blessed when their cracked pot let the light of God shine through into other cracked pots.

Choose to be a glory filled, cracked pot rather than an empty, pretty vessel.

[kin]

Stop judging and condemning others

Judgment is a sentence. Judgment brings shame and guilt on others

Extend Grace an Love. It attract people and help them grow.

Have mercy instead of judgment

39th gamble free day

Jesus Christ was the mediator between God, the judge and us, man the sinner. ~1 Timothy 2:5

[kin]

I watch others in real life. They reminded me that I was « no different. »

I have really forgotten my darkest and deepest rock bottom.

I no longer remember the pain, helplessness, hopelessness and fear today.

In the begining, I was willing to do anything and whatever it takes to get well. Today everything changes after my life has improves. I no longer keep these promises. 

[kin]

This is the first time I am quoting this 12 steps workshop trainer in here. Last Saturday, he pointed to Step Two and say our changes start here:

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Step 2 is a step of hope, faith and realization. It is a big step towards God.

In spite of all of the failures in my own life – all of the broken promises, hard feelings, disappointments, failures, destructive behavior, hatred, anxiety, depression or guilt in my life – there is still hope.

There is hope because there is a Power greater than myself. And this Power has the ability to restore my life to a life where there is freedom from the insanity of addictive behaviors.

I begin to realize that such a Power exists and this Power is able to set me on the road

Through believing that a Higher Power can help, a man or a woman formerly eaten up with raging fear, anger, shame, doubt, guilt, and frustration may become calm and begin to grow spiritually by focusing on doing some simple steps, going to meetings, reading the Big Book, and talking to a sponsor.

This person is not alone; there are other caring brothers and sisters who really do understand because they are dealing with the same problems the newcomer has. The simple act of believing that a Higher Power can restore us to sanity leads us into a family and into a new life where we can begin to see and experience a little sanity to recovery and freedom.

[kin]

40th gamble free day

[kin]

I notice that I am spending more money on new recovery person this month, it can be worrying because I do not have any extra money.

God again, provided me everything I need to get what I want.

I receive shopping vouchers all the time on this new job, which I can sell them off at a discount to get cash.

Maybe I should budget myself every month how much I should spend helping others base on this extra income and not allow it to affect my personal repayment plan and recovery journey.

[kin]

My schedule on a Saturday:

attend the 12 steps workshop at 1.30 pm to 3 pm,

attend all addiction anonymous meeting between 4 pm to 5 pm,

work part time doing security work from 8 pm all the way until 8 am on Sunday to earn the money to pay for my living expenses next week.

I kinda miss Vera ‘s sharing every day! I miss P, Hope, Maverick, Bettie too. Thankful to be reading the thoughts and regular sharing of Lizbeth, Monica, Laura, Kathryn, I did it nowadays. It help a lot. 

[kin]

I have no shame to be 13 years in recovery and only started counting 41 gamble and alcohol free day recently.

It is saving and helping me because it force me to stay humble. I do not care how and what other people I knew in recovery look and say about me in real life because it did not matter one bit to me. Their words cannot help me do my recovery and definitely cannot hurt my recovery.

Staying humble in the heart was really something I struggle with all these years and all the times.

Losing this HUMILITY, HONESTY, VULNERABILITY and SELF-AWARENESS makes me CARELESS, it made me think that I am safe when I was not, feel that I am in control when I was not.

[kin]

I lost my calm, cool and steadiness after a successful day in sales at work on Friday, It felt the same as a big fat winning gamble and I wanted to chase some more, I wanted more.

Workaholism is just another form of acting out.

This is the first time in my life that I was mindful enough to identify the same feeling I get at work and gambling.

I wonder if I had relapse as a result of work..hahahaha…I think and feel that I have relapse. 

Oh my god, I definitely have relapse. I wanted to chase somemore, i wanted more. I have relapse in food too…hahahaha

That is why I say fasting was the best thing to happen to me this year when I learn how to give up doing the things I love to do most.

[finding_laura]

I wanted to comment on a few of your posts but honestly enjoy reading them and the lessons you pass on.  But here I’ll stop to say that is a very healthy thought for a person with addictive behaviours.  It is good to share with your family and others but if you don’t take care of your own recovery and sanity you will be of no use to anyone!  Glad you made it through the weekend last weekend.  Laura

[finding_laura]

I miss them posting too 🙁  I miss being able to post more often also.  But part of recovery is realizing I am resposible for ensuring I take care of me.  I’ve gone back to work several hours a week and continue to rehab.  Thankfully I have a best friend who is also a recovery friend.  She helps support me in person. Really proud of you and your growth.

Laura

[finding_laura]

Good evening Kin, I had posted a couple comments above as I caught up on your thread. I guess if fasting is about learning control and not about deprivation then I could understand it being a good thing. Do you meditate? I’ve often thought I should be putting effort into that but honestly haven’t given it a good try. Food is one of my weaknesses. Especially sweets of any kind. I’d like to say I struggle with it but these days I just let myself have what I want. Not a good result. I don’t have answers but I am here to offer support. And to say don’t throw in the towel. You have come so far. Please rest and find inspiration during your Sunday.

take care,
Laura

[kin]

Thank you for the moral support, I really appreciate it very much.

[kin]

First, I get the same feeling when I had a big fat win in gambling at work on Friday.

Second, I lied, I call my hirer for the part time job on the phone that I had fever, but this hirer just didn’t care, he still wanted me to work on Saturday.

I can see what is happening, it was like the dark cloud and wind before the storm, hahahaha. Whatever happen this time, I will not gamble or drink.

44th Gamble Free Day

[kin]

Lying is a huge issue for many people, including Christians. « Thou shall not lie » is one of the ten commandments, but even Christians have trouble with this commandment.

Proverbs 6:16-19 ESV

There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.

Proverbs 19:9 ESV

A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will perish.

1 John 2:4 ESV  

Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him,

Psalm 58:3 ESV  

The wicked are estranged from the womb; they go astray from birth, speaking lies.

Proverbs 13:5

The righteous hates falsehood, but the wicked brings shame and disgrace.

1 John 1:9 ESV

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

John 8:32 ESV  

And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

[kin]

 Sunday was my rest day. What a world of difference having sufficient sleep and rest can do to me. I could see what I cannot see on Friday and Saturday now.

I was suffering from dry drunk on Friday and Saturday.

Dry Drunk for me is a condition where I was displaying the same mental and behavioral traits associated with drinking and gambling even when I was not drinking alcohol or gambling.

I had the same euphoria feeling on Friday and was beginning to tell lie on Saturday. 

The presence of this syndrome is actually an indication that I am in danger of relapse. I remain emotionally disturbed, mentally unstable and spiritually skewed despite not gambling or drinking. Signs of dry drunk syndrome is a red flag that should concern a recovering alcoholic.

it is important to recognize that dry drunk syndrome is a legitimate psychological phenomenon that can happen to anyone who is struggling with an addiction.

The term dry drunk syndrome was originally written by the creators of the 12-Step program, Alcoholics Anonymous. While the phrase dry drunk has been used by members of the 12-Step community, it is not a result of “not working the program,” nor is it a sign of failing. It was the presence of actions and attitudes that characterized the addict prior to recovery.

Dry drunk syndrome operates almost exclusively within a person’s mind.

Dry drunk syndrome is more common among individuals who quit their addiction on their own, as they do not have a strong support to guide them through this difficult change in their life.

Just like any other psychological phenomenon, it can be overcome with the right assistance and support uncovering the root causes of the struggle and having healthier coping mechanisms.

Thank God for this information.

[kin]

Emotional sobriety describes the transformation a recovering addict makes beyond attaining physical sobriety.

Physical sobriety refers to giving up gambling, drugs and alcohol, a fairly straight-forward pursuit.

Achieving emotional sobriety involves the ability to feel and cope with emotions, particularly those attached to gambling, drug and alcohol use.

As a defense mechanism, we are prone to protect myself from painful realities.

The difference between the general population and addicts is that the addicts are very good at ignoring their feelings by masking them with gambling, drugs or alcohol.

Being emotionally sober means getting in touch with your emotions, whether positive or negative, and allowing yourself to feel them.

[kin]

I did not know what was happening to me suddenly on Friday and Saturday. I can only record them in this journal.

Feeling glad, thankful and relief that everything was normal today, they are just dry drunk attitudes.

In the past, I would have gamble but I did not have to gamble today.

[kin]

I watch movie tonight

[kin]

God has send Vera and Monica to light up the path for my next step. Their transformation has given me strength, hope, faith and belief in what I have been doing. Witnessing Lizbeth today remind me of Vera and Monica in the early days.

May God bless all of you with good health, wisdom, inner peace, joy, freedom and happiness. God is good all the times. Amen!

[jen3]

You are doing great Kin!!

[kin]

Galatians 6:3

For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.

Philippians 2:13

for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure

John 15:4-5 

Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

John 5:19

So Jesus explained, “I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself.

John 1:3

God created everything through him, and nothing was created except through him.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Matthew 4:4

But he answered, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’

Matthew 6:33

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

[kin]

The 12 Steps are use to solve problems.

I have become less selfish, and not hurting so many people.

I was more honest, and not getting into hot water all the time.

I was a little more courageous and less fearful of quitting doing some of those things I used to do.

I was more considerate to other people, and my relationship with them is better.

When I am in less conflict, I will have more peace of mind, serenity, and happiness, and less chance of taking, a gamble

[kin]

Love God, love others, love yourself unconditionally just like God love you.

48th gamble and alcohol free days

[jen3]

Way to go Kin!! Keep surrending your will to God! A day at a time.

[kin]

Yesterday has passed. Tomorrow has not arrive. Taking one baby step at a time is all I can do Today.

Delivered the money to my family and paid all my bank loan, phone bill today. Only have to do it one more time to complete a year.

This is a simple thing for any normal person to do but if you are an addict like me, you can do everything except these simple things. Maybe an alcoholic do not have this problem but I am more than an alcoholic, I am also addicted to gambling and other things as well.

50th gamble and alcohol free day.

Thank God for everything!

[kin]

I have feed my thoughts and feelings, my desires and lust for so many years. It has not been an overnight change, it took a fool like me many years to become less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking. It has taken me years of one baby step at a time progress to do this but the sad reality and truth; it only need a moment of insanity to lose everything. I am still prone to fall anytime if I become careless and lose focus and vigilant.

When mature believers fail, they:

1. Acknowledge their failures and refuse to hide behind any lame excuses.

2. Confess any sin to God, another person and group when sin is involved in the failure.

3. Examine what happened so they can learn from the failure.

4. Put it behind them and move ahead.

[Monica1]

Just caught up with all your posts. I so relate re an addict and bills and money. I have never handled money well in the sense i used to let bills just slip even when not gambling. In recovery slowly but surely our attitudes to many things change. Transformation from the inside out.

[kin]

God’s plan is better than mine.

Every time I decided to use my way, be it a gamble or a drink. They normally ended in a disaster.

[kin]

1 Corinthians 8:2

Those who think they know something do not yet know as they ought to know.

I first heard that knowledge puffs up in a church service today. If anyone thinks that he knows anything, he knows nothing

The speaker says that it doesn’t matter how much I know about God’s word and the bible, it was more important for me to walk the talk with the little I know. I was not sad, and I was not crying but tears just started to flood my eyes when I hear this. Every time I found the words that describe what I was doing, I felt a relief, I felt understood, comforted and release. That God knows.

What I did and fail for many years help me prepare and complete this year. This year can be better but it was still fruitful and I was grateful and thankful, it was a breakthrough for me. This year will prepare me for next year, if I could fulfill next year, it would prepare me for the next 3 years. I need to finish this job.

Step 8 in 12 steps recovery program.

Made a list of all the persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them all.

Mathew 5:23-24

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift.”

I also hear faith to faith, glory to glory for the first time today.

From faith to faith (Romans 1:17), from strength to strength, from glory to glory (2Corinthians 3:16-18), those words in the bible reflect the endless possibility for elevation, transformation, for glorification, and empowerment, that we have as the people of God. That is an endless possibility of more and more in God.

[kin]

It does feel good afterward.

There was a church for recovering people in Singapore. Tonight, I remember 2 incidents when tears flood my eyes after the speaker say some things that touches me.

Mathew 16:24

Then Jesus said to his disciples, « Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.

Incident 1

Tears flood my eyes when I heard Pastor Don telling us not to come down from the cross with his authoritative husky voice. It describes my struggles in recovery, there are days when it was so hard and painful, I really feel like quitting and dropping the cross but cannot and had to carry on.

1 Corinthians 8:2

We know that we all have knowledge.  Knowledge puffs up, but love edifies.  And if anyone thinks that he knows anything, he knows nothing yet as he ought to know.

Incident 2

Mdm Ai Boon told us it does not matter how well and how much one know about God’s word and the bible, it was more important to walk the talk with the little one knows. Tears flood my eyes again, because that was all I can only do.

[kin]

52th gamble and alcohol free day.

Question: Are there any thoughts to drink or gamble during these 52 days.

Answer: Yes there is, sometime they appear but they just come and go. 

What was it like now? It is no longer a struggle, I dont pay too much attention to them and I do not try to control them, the intensity is not that strong and I dont need to fight them .

[vera]

is it 55 days now, Kin??
TODAY is all that c ounts!

[kin]

Hi Vera, so nice to hear from you!

Today is all that matter, it was back to day One for me.

[lizbeth4]

Keep going. It will be okay. Don’t give in!!

[jen3]

I am sorry. Get right back up Kin. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

[vera]

What happened , Kin?

[Monica1]

Alcohol or gambling?

[kin]

Hi Vera,

It was a tiredness and frustration combo

I was doing well at work but I am a minority in this industry in my own country.I was the only local in a team of 7 staff in the department in my company. I did not want to name which country these people are from in here. These people come to rob the local and are evil, but I have to love them to progress in my recovery, I will be disappointed if I expect them to return kindness with  kindess.

Tthey like to gang up on the local.  I have fallen victim to the lies and character assassination of this group of these foreigner a few times in the past in other companies, They will do or say whatever it take to keep their job. A new manager join our company a week after me, he is another unreasonable slave master and using me to do his work. The local manager strike fear in me because he use these foreigner and gets his power from them. He married a lady from the country.

God was good but I still choose something very predictable like a sporting event and alcohol to numb and manage my uneasy feeling.

I was so wrong. i could have cause an irreversible damage.

I punted on a sporting event and had one bottle of beer, 

[finding_laura]

Hi Kin, looks like it was a warning sign, telling you that your compulsiveness and addiction could be triggered if you do not take heed. So many jobs these days bring out the worst in everyone. Creating awful environments. Not a wonder your body is telling you to run and do things that feel good instead of facing the negativity of the situation and the bodily reactions it likely triggers. Sounds like you have some things to think on. Do not let their negativity drag you down. Today is the day that matters.
Laura

[Monica1]

No damage done kin.
As for the work situation, my choice would be to not work in such environments. I would find it detrimental to good mental health. However, been listening to scripture today which says just focus on the relationship with God and love those who seek to hurt with you. Easier said than done I know. All you can focus on is you and God being your strength and resilience. He does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. This is also something I need to listen to right now as well.

[i-did-it]

Hi kin
Sorry to read you had a bet – I don’t think it is day one in that all that you have learned during your gamble free time is still with you. A small slip perhaps ?
Thank you for posting on my thread .

[kin]

Dear all,
Thank you for all the concern and support.
I have to make a few adjustment in my life now to cope with the new challenges at work. I need to be more vigilant and extra careful in recovery.
I need to accept the situation, live with it, not numb it with gambling or alcohol otherwise it is best I change work to something that doesn’t threaten my recovery.

Everyday is like my first day in recovery now.

[kin]

I continue to do the opposite. I gave any surplus cash I have this time to my 89 years mum to buy whatever she like, I choose to do this before I lose the opportunity and regret next time. I did not keep the money on me to fuel the fire inside to gamble or drink, the thorn continue to be in my flesh.

I have a little more money after the gamble. I used the surplus to reduce my credit card debt by 10 percent.

I am back to normal situation and taking one baby step at a time, one day at a time now

[kin]

1. I went on MC for 2 days to get proper rest and sleep.

I was concern that I would do something foolish that I will regret. I need to made a decision to stay or leave this job. i could not see a clear answer. 

2. Do nothing and wait

After 2 days of rest, it was so easy to see the right choice and made the correct decision.

3. I will bring up my concern to my hirer and HR.

I will continue to do my best at work. I cannot control the new manager and other colleagues but I can control my behavior, I can work hard. The problem is not mine. Let the manager decide. He need to answer to the hirer and HR.

Self Care in this case is so important, it return me my peace and inner joy in life. If I continue to remain work up emotionally, I risk returning to acting out.

Sleep and rest is so important.

[kin]

How often did I stop at one bottle or one gamble.
Most of the times; Win I chase, Lose I chase until I lose everything. I will also continue chasing the drink when I was high until I get heavily intoxicated and could not drink no more.
Incredible Short Memory.
I forgotten it was not worth it to gamble. The price is too heavy. I cannot afford the consequences.

[kin]

Step 3: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.”

This episode is another test that proves whether I have not surrender, half surrender or total surrender to God
The fact that I gamble and drink show that Step 3 is still a very big step for me

[jen3]

Always a big problem for me.  I never think of consequences until I am facing them. Not today.  

[jen3]

Step 3 always a struggle for me. It’s so easy “surrender our will to God” yet at times I make it so hard and surrender to temptation. Temporary pleasures almost always lead to long term consequences.

[kin]

If it causes you more pain than happiness, let it go! To be happy, you must let go of what ‘s gone, be grateful for what remains, look forward to what ‘s to come next. Let go of expectations. Let go of your attachment to outcome. You can’t lose what you never had, you can’t keep and cannot hold on to something that is not yours.

At some point you have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening. There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it. We must let go of the life that we have planned so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

Stop overthinking. You can’t control everything. Let it be. Let go of the gambling, it is not worth it anymore. It is better to let go with a smile than to hold on with tears. Be selective in your battles, for some time peace is better than being right.

I didnt realize this post about letting go is also related to total surrender to a Higher Power, a Power greater than me. Letting go and trusting God. It is also STEP 3.

[kin]

Gambling was a way to get money that don’t belong to me. Winning only turn it into a fight – a struggle to hold on to something that was not mine.

[kin]

More than 2000 years ago, Apostle Paul wrote this in a letter…

Philippians 3:18 – 19

For I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many (people who attend church) whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. They are headed for destruction. Their god is their belly / hunger or appetite– They are going to get whatever they want / desire, they brag about shameful things, and they think only about this life here on earth.

My thoughts –

Who want to be called the enemy of the cross? The cross of self-denial and suffering for Christ’s sake but I have not deny myself and have gamble / drink / glutton / womanise this month..

[kin]

The signs are there after I started this new job. My weight have balloon from 74 kg to 83 kg during these time. I am losing control of things. I need to practice fasting soon otherwise the price is heavy. This will be my resolution for 2019, the focus is on fasting, giving up the things I love to do most and not weight loss.

[i-did-it]

Hi kin – hope you are doing ok- I too am finding my weight is ballooning right now – and am trying to cut back- it’s so hard !
Keep strong Kin

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin ,
How are things going?

[Monica1]

Lots of love and peace to you this Christmas time,

[kin]

Thank you everyone for your kind thought and posts.

I have struggle lately to put my thoughts into writing, I don’t know where to start and it felt like there are too many things going on for me at the same time now.

Everything has change for me when I return to an old familiar job. It was not an excuse but the usual stress and emotions from this job is opening all the floodgates to my addiction.

A little acting out here, a little acting out there cannot show the extent of the seriousness, they are all like small fires, it is everywhere in my life but none big enough to burn the house down. I am safe but I am also not safe.

I have a new familiar problem again, lately I CANNOT STOP MYSELF from WISHING and WANTING to dig my grave.  

However, after I started digging, somehow I would stop. The situation looks dangerous because I don’t know when I will not be able to stop.

When I look at all my addictions altogether, I see a different picture, my body is like a ship, each of my addiction is like a hole, it is not big enough to sink the ship yet but this ship is full of small holes and leaks, it is only a matter of time when any of these hole would sink the ship and send me into the rock bottom.

I wanted to find out what was my real damage, I don’t know how serious and how bad is the situation now.

I intentionally chase the high drinking last night, I used alcohol to numb my mind and body to the maximum.

My mind was so INSANE last night, I was LIVING A LIE, and acting out a fantasy and fake lifestyle, my mind acted out all the desires that I cannot afford and cannot perform. It cost me a bomb.

Had I lost all my money to gambling, I wouldn’t be able to find out how serious is my problem in drinking and how it affected my thinking and spending.

I don’t want to regret losing every single cent in gambling, I make sure I have a full-blown relapse in drinking and other areas last night.

Yet the most damaging one till date was my eating disorder, something I didn’t act out last night. I have gain weight gain very quickly recently. I was 74 kg not so long ago and I weight 83 kg now.

I can see what problem I can have now. All my other addictions has the same important as gambling now.   

I feel that I am one fortunate man, I am not ok but I am still ok.

The solution is a spiritual one, I first experience it last December when I fasted and practice giving up the things that I love to do most. It has help and I look forward to doing the same again real soon. I am preparing to start soon.

[kin]

I can see how I cannot function in my life without my fix. I felt so much normal now after that night.

[Auteur]

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