[Gbabyh]

The purpose of this journal is to stay free of gambling. I have relapsed many times and I have

tried many different things to stay clear of gambling, some of which works and some of which don’t. The problem is usually a lack of consistency

and loss of focus, in my attempts of personal development, when life returns to a non-crisis state and my gambling addiction/addictive personality isn’t

posing an immediate threat.  

I haven’t committed to journaling before and I hope it will be a helpful tool in my struggle for a better life. This journal is mainly for me, where I will be writing down

my thoughts as I go through life with an addictive personality. Hopefully, this will help me organize my mind and give perspective and awareness.

Furthermore, if anyone following this, benefits from this journal or have any suggestions or advice for me, please comment and let me know 🙂

[Gbabyh]

I did my first betting when I was 13 for a small amount. Up to the age of 15, it was pretty infrequent, innocent and harmless betting. I wasn’t trying to hide it and lie about it, and often with a friend. When I started high school, aged 15, I had my first real job in a grocery store. I didn’t earn a lot, but I was there for about 6 months and I spent everything on an online betting/casino. I have since then and up until Monday last week wasted a majority of the money I have ever come to by sports betting and online casino, whilst living a wasteful life filled with deceit, lies, isolation, and unhappiness. It has left me with a lot of regret and shame, which prevents me from fully recovering. I’m psychologically damaged in so many different ways, and probably also in ways that I’m not even aware of. These are the things I must strive to fix through consistent and focused personal development, which will enable me to develop good and constructive routines and habits, which will help me and prevent me from letting my addictive personality to take hold of my life and steer it down the black hole from which I try to escape.

I will not focus on the lows of my gambling story and tell it in details. You, the readers, are most likely gambling addicts yourself, so you already know all the shitty situations I have been in because you have experienced them yourself.

What I do want to focus on is making amends for my mistakes, taking responsibility for my life, correcting my character flaws, and striving for a better life.

[IRockVX]

You’re in a great place and taking great steps.  Journaling is awesome — esp when you can interact and get feedback.  Connecting energetically with people who are stopped or are making strides to stop is great.

Keep journaling — I find that by doing so every time I get a craving I write about it and interact with people on places like this.  I’ve been doing this for close to 2 weeks now and it’s helped a lot.

You aren’t alone — keep writing, and make today gamble free!

Much love and support <3

[Gbabyh]

Thank you for reading my journal and for your encouragement. I’m glad to see and be confirmed by you, that journaling is helpful in staying gambling free.

I’ll try and remember your advice about going to the forums and interacting with other fellow people when a craving in some negative form come.

Thanks again for the support <3

One day at a time!

[Gbabyh]

Today marks a round day. It’s the 10th day since I last gambled and I’m still trying to get my life and my thoughts in order after the relapse…

I woke up very tired and lazy today, not motivated to do anything. I think because the last 9 days have been very demanding and stressful with a lot of soul searching, putting out fires and doing damage control. Luckily, my girlfriend got me out of bed this morning and I was only 5 minutes late for today’s lecture. I thank her for that – I know, that I would have been frustrated about myself if I hadn’t gone, which would have ruined the whole day and potentially fuck up my momentum.

After the lecture I had a whole day of possible productiveness, however, I was still lazy and tired from last nights workout. So, I procrastinated… for a little bit. I managed to clean my place and do some laundry and also iI managed to do some progress on my personalized 12 step program – really not too bad. I guess you win some and lose some.

Also, I went to see my big brother who has been a massive help since I came clean to him. Today he helped me out by sorting out my finances, which have been causing me a lot of stress and taking up massive amounts of my mental energy.

All in all, a fairly decent day, but I should have gone to the gym.

One day at a time

[Gbabyh]

I’ve been taking a few days without thinking about my addiction-related problems, partly because I needed to work but also because I really needed it…

The last 2 weeks have been mentally exhausting and quite depressing to be fair. But that’s the price for a relapse… among other things. I worked hard on stabilizing my mental state, sorting out my finances, making a plan for recovery whilst juggling being in a relationship and studying in a demanding school.

While my relationship with my girlfriend is intact, in fact, it’s probably improved and made us closer, then I have a lot to catch up in regards to my studies. This fact is adding extra stress to my life and it’s sucking mental energy out of me. To be fair, my studies have always been a grind for me and something which took a big toll on me mentally. I think it’s because I have always been behind due to my addictions, which have led me to always trying to catch up with stuff and needing to self-study the prerequisites for the current subjects I’m actually signed up to. However, I see the light at the end of the tunnel now. Just one more stretch to go before I can end my minor and start my major after the summer. I’m desperate for a clean slate in regards to all aspects of my life. Obviously, my relapse is causing major complications to an already stressful position, but I’m determined to make it. I have to. God knows how many times I’ve been in these make and break situations, and I’m still here…

In this week I’ve accomplished big things and I’m happy for the progress I’m making. I’ve started this journal, i sorted out my finances, I came clean to my family, I’ve started going to GA meetings twice a week, and I can finally allocate some more energy to my school and rebuilding some good routines, which hopefully become habits eventually.

Anyway, enough rant for now…

One day at a time.

[Dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[IRockVX]

That sounds like great progress.  Glad to hear your finances are getting sorted and you’re starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I think there is something in the urge to gamble that’s related to an addiction to feeling « right on the edge » … like feeling like the story of your life is walking along a cliff and feeling the adrenaline pump at the possibility of falling.  It’s like we get addicted to living life that way.

In this sense, gambling is also an extension of addiction to the need for that stressful, adrenaline inducing unknown … as gambling is phased out of our lives, more spaciousness opens up for feeling emotions, relating to people better, and feeling more confident about life itself.  

The on edge state is one that constantly pushing and pulling and threatening to make or break us … I think it’s a gradual process to rewire ourselves to get hooked into the energy emotion and state of confidence, feeling on top of or even a little ahead of work, and stepping into actions and situations where we know the outcome and odds have to be stacked in our favor or give a guaranteed outcome.

I think you’ll continue to understand more about yourself, feel better, and enjoy life more as you write more/untangle « the beast » — that feeling of how much potential happiness there is for life/existence is powerful.  It’s like a deeper joy that’s never needed a gamble to feel amazing … gradually coming back to the surface (of course, deeper negative feelings that were numbed can come to the surface as well).

Keep writing, and make today completely gamble free!  : )

[Gbabyh]

That comment made so much sense and made me more aware of my current state and the possibilities for potential future states. Really, thank you for this idea/enlightenment because it has really broadened my perspective. 

Have a good one! 🙂

[Gbabyh]

Just making a quick update for today. I tried to implement a new routine of waking up early (before 6 am). It was nice having a slow morning with plenty of time but I was really tired. Went to the gym during the midday and completely crashed whilst attempting meditation for a good 20 minutes. The shower afterward was amazing where I switched between the cold shower and the steam shower, which really made my body wake up and feel alive. Amazing!
After that, I did some studying until my next GA meeting, where I shared for the first time and asked for advice about coming clean to my friends about my addiction. That was really nice because it encouraged me to be open and honest about it to my friends, which I have always feared.

I haven’t felt the urge at all to gamble, I’m just trying to sort out myself and maintain a functioning daily routine where I get all the small choices right. So far so good.

One day at a time!

[Gbabyh]

Been working the past 2 nights and tonight I’ll go again. I have to make money, but my job as a waiter is becoming sickening to me. And I don’t like that the job is so far away and that its usually in the evening/nights. This is a major complication to getting into a good rhythm of good morning/daily routines. Yesterday I didn’t manage to get a workout in before heading off to work, which bothers me quite a bit. Today my body is crushed and I’m sleep deprived, so I’m really in no mood for a workout, but I feel an obligation to get it done though. I don’t feel I struggle very much with my gambling addiction, It’s more a struggle for me to take the right choices according to my goals and what I need to do. I just finished reading a lecture note in a subject I find very difficult, which left me kind of demotivated to learn, I guess all of the above have put me in a moody state.

Anyways, one day at a time.

[Gbabyh]

Yesterday I managed to fit in a much-needed haircut and I managed to pull myself up to the gym (although for a short session) before I had to leave for work.

I’ve been working 3 nights in a row, which is very time consuming, and it left little time for my self-development and my studies. To be honest, it kept my mind off of my troubles but I have deadlines coming up so I really need to spend my time elsewhere and focus on those things, rather than allocating almost a whole day for work. I think I’m gonna have to stop taking back to back shifts because it’s too destructive for my new routines that I’m trying to create.

I didn’t go to my GA meeting today simply because I needed to catch up on some sleep. I have no regrets with this decision and I’ll be going on Wednesday again.

For this coming week, I really need to make big progress on my bachelor’s thesis whilst getting a good headstart on my econometrics rapport, which is due next Sunday. This fills my mind a lot and I just need to get started ASAP so that I can free up some mental energy for my self-development.

[Peaches and Apple]

Hi Gbabyh, I’m really proud of you. I can see that you are striving hard to stay gambling free and also concentrate on self- improvement.
I am also happy for you that you didn’t neglect your study. It is good for your future.
And I am glad that you have a big bother to help you sort out of your finance.

You are doing Great!!

[Gbabyh]

Hi Peaches and Apple, thanks for stopping by and showing your support to me. Yeah, I’m trying my best to do whatever I can to sort myself out so that won’t be inclined to cave into any future gambling cravings. The progress I have made wouldnt have been possible if not for the help im getting wether that be from the people at GA meetings, my family or my girlfriend. Thanks again for commenting here on my journal 🙂

One day at a time!

[Gbabyh]

Yesterday I became aware of some emotions I was experiencing during last nights dinner with my family and girlfriend. It happened during a situation where I felt cornered in by the people around the table who took turns to evaluate me/fault me/give advice/etc. about my life and troubles with gambling addiction.

I remember feeling very annoyed and belittled because I thought I’ve been making good progress for the last 3 weeks and so, I felt I should be encouraged instead rather than being beaten down. And I get it, I understand them and why they would think and do that. I actually think they are entitled to. But it doesn’t change the fact that it sturred up some bad emotions, the kind of emotions I need to stay clear of. 

And it could be that I’m just too touchy. I know I’m not the greatest at receiving criticism and I can probably have a tendency to act childish/entitled/unjustly treated and so on – which probably explains why I don’t like feeling trapped and others having authorities over me. And the people closest to me kind of do have that because I’ve disappointed them so many times and ruined their trust over and over again.  

I realize that I should expect and accept these situations and learn to deal with the emotions that it brings forth until I reach a point where I have regained some of their trust by proving to them that I’m committed in my efforts to stay free of my gambling addiction. 

Anyways, I’m late for school now – one day at a time! 

[Peaches and Apple]

Hi Gbabyh, yes, it is hard for them to trust you again – but it is only for now. Trust me it will changed as times passed.

In the GA meeting that I attended regularly, I heard a lot of stories of the mistrust they got in their initial journey to recovery but they gain back the trust eventually. You just have to be patient.

[Gbabyh]

I know that I don’t deserve their trust right now, but still, it bothers me when they don’t trust me and keep asking questions about my whereabouts and my actions then asking again to confirm – I guess its the impatient nature of me that has a hard time of accepting that…

[Gbabyh]

Today I opened myself up to my friend and roommate, who I am leaving to live with my girlfriend. I told him about my gambling addiction, how long its been going on and so on. This was a conversation I’ve dreaded for a long time and kept postponing, but once I finally convinced myself to just tell him I immediately felt lighter and better. He also took it really well and there were no hard feelings about me moving out. He told me that he was proud that I told him about it and that I should keep on going with what I’m doing. This gave me the encouragement to tell the rest of my friends about my situation, which I highly needed.
I’m really happy to have taken this step towards an open and honest me – one day at a time 🙂

[Peaches and Apple]

Hi Gbabyh,

I am happy for you that you are now in 23 Days. You are approaching your first milestone – 30 Days.

[smiley13]

Hi Gbabyh, keep up the good work through recovery. The most important thing I had to express to family and friends that were now able to see the gambling addict in me. I am not defined by my gambling addiction. I am a mother, wife, friend, coworker, giver, helper, listener, confidant, and yes human. Gambling is our addiction, not who we are. Sounds like you have good support now. Surround yourself with positive people. I wish you the best on your recovery!

[Gbabyh]

Yeah, It will be an achievement I can be proud of because I have been working on myself constantly since then 🙂

[Gbabyh]

I often forget that I am not defined by my addiction because it fills so much in my life, especially now. I need to remember that I am many things and I think by surrounding myself with the right people I will be reminded of this fact. Thanks 🙂

[Gbabyh]

Today I went by my former treatment center for a scheduled consultation. Here I talked with a new guy, who was a very experienced consultant with many years as an addict himself but also with many years of experience within treatment of other addicts. And he really opened up my eyes to something I hadn’t been able to see for myself.

I have severely negative thought patterns in general, but more so when it comes to situations which I find anxious, and this leads me to deal with these situations very bad. For example, I don’t like confrontations so I always find myself becoming submissive to avoid it, which builds a lot of anger and other bad emotions inside of me. My body can feel these emotions and this leads me to bad reactions patterns, such as isolating myself and/or returning to gambling in order to regulate whatever is going on inside of me.

This has made me aware of another important thing I must practice: Courage.
Before I emphasized a lot on honesty and openness, but courage is for me just as important. The courage to seek discomfort and not run away from anxious situations, while being open and honest about what I feel in a given situation. This is key for me because I can see many situations where the lack of courage, honesty, and openness have led me to bad reaction patterns and eventually gambling.

So, seek discomfort and practice to be in it – one day at a time 🙂

[Gbabyh]

Been sick since Friday. I didn’t follow my healthy routines, and I didn’t work on my Econometrics assignment (until Sunday, which was the deadline for submission) while I was sick. It’s fair enough to listen to my body and give it a break, but in hindsight, I feel as if I took the cold as an excuse to run away from my fears. I returned to bad habits of binging and doing numbing activities like gaming/watching Netflix too much, and I didn’t sleep well or take care of my cold properly. In that sense, I’m very disappointed with myself.

I ended up submitting the assignment with 2 minutes to spare. It wasn’t good due to needing more time, but at least I made an effort. Went to lecture today despite only getting 5 hours of sleep. I feel less anxious now because I don’t have to worry about my assignment, so now I can focus on my bachelors’ project, which in itself is causing me anxiety. I need massive action and effort on that front to feel better. I just find it hard to begin…

I need to get rid of this constant stress and anxiety if I want to stay gambling free. I know what I must do, but I can’t stop procrastinating/running away whenever I’m in a position of discomfort. I need to figure this out…

One day at a time.

[Peaches and Apple]

Hi Gbabyh, I know sickness and stress can weaken your resilve but I found the strength in you in fighting this:

• You still finish your assignment even though you were too tired and sick to work on it (A very discipline individual)  – a thumb up for you
• And you didn’t relpase even though you’re under stress (A determined person) – another thumb up for you.

I am really impressed.

Another 2 days you will reach your first milestone – 30 DAys!

[Gbabyh]

I hadn’t thought of that! I thank you for showing me the good stuff i actually do and accomplish! I have a tendency to focus on the negative and all my faults instead of recognizing the positive stuff about myself. I really must train my brain to become more positive!

I will get my 30 day gambling free patch at the GA meeting tomorrow 🙂

One day at a time !

[Emma8]

Oh I know that feeling of stressing out over assignments all too well. Even now with work, I’m the worst for procrastinating until the last minute sometimes. 

One way to help tackle getting started is to do a tiny tiny bit. Like, say it’s a written assigment. Set up the word doc and get any notes/research/relevant material organised and ready to go. That alone can help. Then throw a couple of rough thoughts on the page. I always find doing something tiny with no expectation of getting anywhere with it often results in me getting a good bit of work done. Probably because I’m taking pressure off of myself. 

Hope the sickness shifts soon for you!

[Gbabyh]

Anything that can help me meeting deadlines in the least stressful way is welcomed with open arms! I will try and implement your tips with my project and see if I get anywhere – thanks 🙂

[Gbabyh]

I feel sick again as if I didn’t fully recover from my cold… I got my 30 days gambling free patch last night at the GA meeting, which felt like a nice little achievement. I also included another friend in this whole gambling situation last night, and like my friend from last week he reacted very supportive and understanding so now I feel even more confident to tell the rest of the guys about my addiction.

The past week I’ve been struggling with the loss of momentum (much to do with the cold I got) and signs of old behavior or making excuses for not doing the things I told myself to do each day to sort myself out. But attending the GA meeting last night kind of woke me up again and reminded me why I am on the path I am on right now. So I’m kind of fighting to get back up on the horse again.

Also, I’m having a hard time accepting and recognizing the fact that my brain has massively changed for the worse from a decade of gambling addiction, and in realizing that I want to change that immediately. But for that, I must identify what needs to be changed, how to change it, and follow through on that whilst taking care of my duties and responsibilities to others in my day to day life. And so, I feel kind of overwhelmed and in a constant struggle where everything becomes work and a hassle leaving little to no time for leisure ( without making me feel guilty). This creates big chaos in my head, which I can’t seem to find order in and I walk around doing things being unhappy.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense or if there is any structure in this, I’m just writing what comes to mind.

[Gbabyh]

Very comforting to read your comment, RG. The fact that absence from gambling and other associated behavior will retrain my brain is a big relief because then I won’t have to worry about that while taking care of all the aforementioned things.

I really appreciate your ideas and you sharing how your son copes with similar situations. Obviously, I’m gonna give it a try and see how it works for me 🙂

And you are absolutely right, I deserve to give myself some credit too because overall I’m making the right choices, and I shouldn’t dwell too much on the little mistakes – just recognize them, and each day try to improve them.

Again, thank you for your advice 🙂

[Gbabyh]

Since my last update, I’ve included yet another friend in my problems. She took it very well, and she even offered me financial help – which I promptly denied. She is probably my best female friend so it was nice to finally tell her and show her the real me, and luckily she proved to be a friend I can ***** on if I ever need to talk to someone.
All these experiences with opening up and telling the truth about my circumstances to friends and family have really made a positive difference in my mindset, and I feel more motivated to include others, and I’m not struggling as much to do so.
I even had a pretty good and serious conversation with my mom about some of the things I’ve done over the years, which are either criminal activities or something that I’m ashamed of. We also talked about how I’m struggling internally and how that is connected to my studies. These are things I’ve never talked to my parents about and it feels good to be able to so.

My cold doesn’t seem to leave my body and I’m starting to fear that it might be something more serious, which requires help from my doctor. Anyways, it is obviously a massive pain in the ass because I can’t train, my energy and mood are negatively affected, and I especially need my energy to carry out my daily tasks and responsibilities.

My studies are still the main stress factor for me and it will most likely remain so for the next 2 months. I just need to ride out and do as well as I possibly can, while avoiding any gambling and/or bad behavior patterns.

I’m taking it one day at a time, and trying to reverse my mindset from negative to positive.

[Gbabyh]

I’ve come to accept that I can’t finish my current subject and bachelors project at the same time while keeping a positive and healthy state of mind. It’s too much of a burden to take on at the moment. I only just recently took a relapse so I’m not as strong as I would like to believe I am. I’ve been stressing a lot lately, which have made me anxious and unhappy for some time. This is why I’ve come to the conclusion of postponing my bachelor’s project till the end of July instead of the start of May. This will cost me an attempt (1 out of 3) and it will be costly for my pride, and it will cost me the most of my summer holidays. But long term it is for the best. I can already feel a big relief inside of me and I feel much happier because I don’t feel overwhelmed. I can finish my studies by focusing on one thing at a time, while working on myself (something even more important than my studies).

I don’t think I will regret this decision, I just hope I do it for the right reason and don’t use it as an excuse to procrastinate.

[Gbabyh]

I’ve come to accept that I can’t finish my current subject and bachelors project at the same time while keeping a positive and healthy state of mind. It’s too much of a burden to take on at the moment. I only just recently took a relapse so I’m not as strong as I would like to believe I am. I’ve been stressing a lot lately, which have made me anxious and unhappy for some time. This is why I’ve come to the conclusion of postponing my bachelor’s project till the end of July instead of the start of May. This will cost me an attempt (1 out of 3) and it will be costly for my pride, and it will cost me the most of my summer holidays. But long term it is for the best. I can already feel a big relief inside of me and I feel much happier because I don’t feel overwhelmed. I can finish my studies by focusing on one thing at a time, while working on myself (something even more important than my studies).

I don’t think I will regret this decision, I just hope I do it for the right reason and don’t use it as an excuse to procrastinate.

[Gbabyh]

I’m glad you made me aware of my gifts – often I forget about them and focus solely on the negatives. Good to hear that you have a close and inclusive relationship with your boys. I hope to develop such a relationship to my family as well, especially my parents 🙂

[Gbabyh]

I’ve learned that I have a virus in my body, which is why I have been sick for almost 3 weeks now. BUT! This morning I finally felt slightly better, so there are signs of improvement 🙂

I’m feeling less stressful, more hopeful, and I’m starting to come to terms with my decision about postponing my bachelor’s project (letting go of my pride) – as a result, I feel happier (less numb) and I can motivate myself to take action.

I wish you all a good day 🙂

[Gbabyh]

however small they may be, I agree.  Thanks for stopping by, have a great weekend, RG 🙂

[Gbabyh]

So it’s been a while since my last update, and I’m actually feeling kind of guilty because of it… I don’t really have a legitimate excuse for it, I guess I’ve just been lazy about it and have kept my focus/thoughts elsewhere. I don’t gamble. I feel less stressful because I manage to relieve some pressure, so I feel like it’s time to socialize more. But I’m having a hard time « returning » to society after my latest gambling period (took about 4 months). I’m feeling guilt towards my friends and even the people I don’t even know from my lectures. I fear what they might think and the possible questions they might ask.

I feel as if I’m in some kind of a slump, which I have a hard time analyzing on, and I don’t really know how to handle this situation and my emotions that have come along.

I probably make it sound like it’s all going to shits. It’s not. I’m doing fine with my girlfriend and my brothers. Recently I met up with a few lads for a beer and the new Avengers movie. But something is missing! Something is nagging me and making me unfulfilled and kind of unhappy… Anyway, for now, I’ll continue this numbing drift in life until I figure what this is about. Hopefully, I can remain mindful and aware about my thoughts so I don’t fuck it all up again because I really don’t want to go back to the hellish life of gambling.

One day at a time lads.

[Steev]

Well done on your recovery – I recognise that slump feeling. I think I have told this gambling tale before but it is worth retelling.

One of my last « slips » happened when I was in a pub I didn’t know and feeling bored. I saw the slot machine and without really thinking about it I was playing. After a few wins and putting the winnings back in I had spent all my spare cash, (still only carrying a minimum) and my mind was churning with thoughts about leaving it when it is just about to pay out, where could I get some money from – where is the nearest cashpoint? Then it hit me. I WASN’T BORED ANYMORE. Gambling had created some sort of « meaning » for me – at this time. But it was « meaning » I didn’t need – self-inflicted suffering. I walked away but remembered the lesson.

So I think there are two things to consider. First – what is it that gives your life meaning? Family, learning, being creative? Second – getting used to that slump feeling, because THAT is the feeling of being without the highs and lows of gambling. That is where things like mindfulness and meditation can come in – to learn to take life at a gentler pace.

I spent part of today (a Public Holiday in Ireland where I am at the moment) in a forest. I was hoping to see some red squirrels but they are very shy and elusive. Still I sat for over an hour – watching patiently and seeing the bird-life and the insects etc. I wasn’t bored. Two families came past me – one with children and a football – they weren’t bored. The other family looked bored – it was the thing to do on a Holiday but I think they would have rather been somewhere else.
Same environment but different attitudes to it. Hell some people even find gambling boring!
I think I have gabbled enough. Here’s to your 60 days and many more gf days to come.

[Gbabyh]

that you can turn boring or even timewasting moments into little training sessions for mindfulness – I will definitely have to try and implement that into my days! I’ve always been a big believer about the potential for a positive mindset, so I really need to get crackin’ on teaching myself the habits of gratitude or even just being more present in my mind, rather than this numbing and life-sucking state of mind that I’ve been living in for the majority of the past years.

Hopefully, we can update one another with some positive progress in the shortcoming future 🙂

-Chris

[Gbabyh]

for your comment. Wouldnt it be delightful if we were some of the people who found gambling boring? Jokes aside, I think you brought something up that is really crucial here. Purpose! I think many people today walk around unhappy and looking for instant gratification because they lack purpose in their life, or maybe they know what their purpose is or what their dreams are, but didn’t choose to follow them and live them out. As a result, it’s easy to be lead down a negative path with all the unwanted consequences that follow. I very much lack purpose. Hell, the other day after a GA meeting we were talking about how many of us didn’t even know what our interests were, what we enjoyed in life, and why we get up in the morning. And as you said, I think the lack of not knowing these things will make you prone to want some kind of meaning in life, even if it’s self-damaging meaning. 

And yeah, I should learn to embrace that feeling of being in a slump – because its proof of me not gambling at least. I guess it’s just because it’s new territory for me, and so, I’m in discomfort with being in this state right now, which is okay!

I’m going to double down on reversing my brains automatic response patterns! Attitude! Positive mindset! Mindfulness! 

-Chris

[Gbabyh]

I’m sorry for the late response hehe, I must be getting blind or something. Glad to hear that you weren’t offended by what I said. I hope you are making progress on changing your brain with all that studying you are doing. I myself find it very difficult to analyze and change my brain all on my own – my thoughts become messy and incoherent, but I’m sure it becomes better once I figure this meditation thing out. 

I wish you the best, RG!

[Gbabyh]

Wow, the days fly by… I was sure it hadn’t been more than a week since my last update, but boy was I wrong ha-ha. Things are improving at the moment, and I’m starting to notice a lot of things that I can be grateful for.

My relationship with my girlfriend is going extremely well – our communication has never been better and it’s just nice to come home to someone I know I can always talk to about anything and be understood.
I’m getting closer to the exam period, which I’m not so afraid of this time around (usually I become anxious). Instead, I feel more motivated to just do my best and accept whatever that results.
I’ve found a good workout routine, which I can stick to and I can immediately feel how it’s correcting my shoulder pain and bad posture (it has been bugging me for a while and which won’t let me do the workout I really want to do).
I took responsibility for the past two times to open the weekly GA meeting I attend. This gave me confidence while making me feel more connected to the people who go there as well. I’m starting to form friendships with a couple of the guys. We stay for a bit after the meeting and talk a little, and one of the guys and I bike some of the way home together and get to know each other further.

I’m starting to feel better again and become more positive. I still have a long way to go and there are many areas that have not seen any improvement for a while. But I’ve become okay with that. I’d rather recognize the things that I do improve in – working on not only seeing the negatives and let them weight too much but also see the positives and give them weight (one of the cognitive distortions I’ve become aware of since reading about cognitive therapy, which I picked up from a fellow journaler in this forum).

Well, I could go on but I’m starving right now so with that being said… adieu!

[Gbabyh]

I finally have time and spare energy to update you guys, I know it’s been a while – sorry!

It’s been going really well to be fair, but I have been swamped with finals, which is why I haven’t been updating on this blog and I didn’t go to last weeks GA meeting.

I just got through a very tough 7 days written exam in the subject i followed this semester (due to relapse and the recovery) so I had to read up on and study the subjects before I could work on the end product. I pretty much spent all my woken hours during these 7 days on the assignment. It turned out okay, but damn it was exhausting!! I turned it in monday morning, 4 hours before deadline, after a 20-hour session at my campus. Even though it was a hard week I really feel proud of myself and a sense of achievement. Despite all the things I had going against me I feel as if I got through it quite all right.

I managed to catch about 6 hours of sleep, before I had to get up and study for my next exam, the day after. Obviously, I could have used a break and some more time to study for this one, and the exam was tougher than previous years, but I feel i did my best and that I did okay.

All in all, I’m feeling tired, but I got through this knowing I did the best I could – as a result I have a sense of achievement and pride! I feel good about my self, and I can get a breather before my 3rd exam, which I will be using on catching up with my self-development and spending some time with my girlfriend, friends and family 🙂

[Gbabyh]

I dont know what to say… I haven’t gambled but some of my actions the last few days have been in contradiction as to who I want to be. I acted against my own gut the other day, even though I was contemplating whether or not to do it for a few hours. In the end, I did the wrong thing. It was nothing too serious, but it was one of those situations where you risk letting some people down in order to put yourself in a more comfortable position, short term…

I guess I’m battling my guilt and my past failures at the moment, one thing is for sure… I’m not as happy as I were last week. Funny how fast things can change. There is nothing else for but to keep trying… keep trying to get it right and make smart choices, listen to my gut feeling, and live with the consequences of my choices – instead of trying to escape them.

I wish you all the best.

Chris

[Gbabyh]

Thanks for the reminder. I’ve been choking on life lately (which is why I have been kind of absent here at the forum) but I’m ready to get back in. I had a really great morning today where I practiced mindfulness through a breathing meditation session. I hope everything is going well on your end 🙂

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

Lately, I have been in a state of paralysis. I think after overcoming a hard challenge (my back to back finals) I started to let my guard down a bit or at least allowed myself to chill and procrastinate too much. In other words, I felt I deserved some time off, giving up momentum, and it turns out that I have been having a hard time getting back on track. This has affected my mental state A LOT! Sitting here reflecting, I notice how clouded and negative my mental state has been the last few weeks as opposed to prior to that. Once I managed to snap out of this kind of numbing rhythm and do some mindfulness practicing I noticed a big shift in my mental state, and as a result, I feel much better!! I know I have the need to let off some steam once in a while, but I hope in the future that I will be better at balancing it, so that I don’t get off the track for too long when I do decide to chill a bit.

Hope everyone is doing great 🙂

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

Just a quick update. I’ve been going to my exams lately and it has taken a lot of time. To be honest, I was not really happy with the grades I got – I was aiming for higher and I know I could have done better. This bothers me a lot even though grades don’t matter for any future jobs for my education, it’s definitely just some personal ego BS and me demanding too much of myself. I don’t have gamble thoughts, but I do struggle with a lack of happiness or positive mentality because I feel much of my life right now is a marathon of work and struggle. I’m not gonna be able to enjoy much of a summer break because it’s already filled up with a summer course and other school-related stuff. As a result, I felt the need for something that could kind of lift my spirits to give me a break from the stress, which is why I’ve started to play an online MMORPG game, which I have been playing on and off since I was like 8 years old. To be fair, this could prove to be a bad decision if I end up spending too much time on it and let it come before my other day to day activities. I did tell my girlfriend about this and asked her to keep an eye on me just in case.

I wish you all a happy gambling free life.

– Chris

[Steev]

It’s been a bit of a theme for me at the moment – looking at how it is my emotional « child » self that rules – especially when it came to gambling …

I realised that I couldn’t give up by just doing « adult » things like working harder or studying – so I had to have some fun time.

So go with your RPG – just ensure there is no gambling involved – watch out for those « loot boxes! »

You might want to consider getting out doors a bit more though – and maybe involve your girlfriend??

Great that you have been gf for so long and keep doing what you are doing! I wish you well.

[Gbabyh]

I think I have arrived at the same conclusions. If I devote my time only to do « adult » things, I believe my emotional self will build up tension over time and the eruption of « passive aggressiveness » could lead to some unwanted consequences such as gambling. So I think I’m gonna follow your lead and indulge the « child » in me a bit. I actually just returned from spending a day by the water and enjoying some street food with the gf (worked up quite a bit of tan) and it was, of course, a very good time, but money is tight atm, hence I tend to stay in for the most part. But you are absolutely right, getting out more is, without a doubt, a very good thing for me.

Thank you for the support Steev, I hope everything is well with your travels and so on 🙂

[Gbabyh]

Checking in on the journal. I visit the site every other day and read up on select journals, but rarely can I get myself to conjure something worthwhile to say. I think it’s because I’m very much in my own head at the moment. I’m very much in a conflict of beliefs and thoughts, and I find it very hard to organize and make sense of the clustering thoughts. Also, lately I’ve been very angry about myself for caring so much about what other people think of me, and I’m realizing that a lot of my stress and anxiety is something I have put on myself because many of the things I do and have done is mostly things I think my friends, family, and society expect of me, rather than something I truly want to do. Truth be told, I don’t even know what I want to do, so what would I be doing if not trying to live up to my self-imagined expectations from friends and family… Ahhh whatever, I lost my train of thought. I’m just really frustrated and kind of depressed at the moment.

[Steev]

I spent a lot of my time trying to be the person my parents wanted me to be and also trying to be true to myself. As I got older I think it got harder as I found myself being pulled this way and that. Now at the ripe old age of 62 – I think I have reached a happy medium where I no longer care what others think. (Though it does help to be retired and not have a boss and work mates to worry about.)

I can’t remember if you are in counselling at the moment – but if you are then this would be something to bring up. Trying to live up to other people’s expectations is stressful and stress is one thing recovering gambler’s don’t need. Also discovering the « new you » now that you have ditched the label of gambler is part of the process – and can be an interesting and exciting bit!

[Gbabyh]

So it’s been a while since my last post. I’ve been very stressed and worried lately. and I guess that’s why I haven’t found the strength, time and will to do any updating here. However, I figured that this is a milestone and that I should probably say something. In fact, there is something I want to announce, but let me just fill you up with what I’ve been doing lately.

I finally finished my Bachelor’s thesis, which was due July, 31. I was not really happy with the final product, but at the moment I just need to get through this education to the best of my ability so that I can allocate more time to my recovery. I will be defending it August, 27, so hopefully I get a decent grade – otherwise, I think it will be a hard blow to me.
A decision I have had to make was canceling my summer elective course from August, 12 to August 30. I realized, after a lot of stress and anxiety in a prolonged period, that having exams August 16, 26 and 27 whilst attending a summer elective was too much on my plate. I immediately felt a little better once I came to terms with this. This is a reoccurring problem with me. I’ve been fighting the consequences of my addiction by stressing myself and taking too much on, which is a sign of impatience. Not good…

Tomorrow is my 25th birthday, and so, I have come to another decision. I will come clean to all my nearest friends about my recent absence, my struggles and basically what’s been going on in my life. I figured I would start my 25th year with honesty and transparency. No more secrets, no more facades, no more shallow relationships. I want to reconnect with my friends by laying all cards on the table and start the rebuilding on a foundation that is truly aligned with what I’m about. In my 5 months of recovery, I haven’t been able to tell my friends, in person, about my addiction (except for 3 of them), and who knows when I will be ready for that. Instead, I’m just gonna let them know in a message. I figured it’s better to go the easy route and come clean, rather than keeping this a secret.

I think this was all I wanted to share right now. Thank you for listening and good luck to you all.

– Chris

[jen3]

Wow! 150 days. That must feel so good. You’re young and have lots of life ahead of you. Keep living it g free.

[Steev]

telling friends will help in all sorts of ways. I have just been reading a thread where someone talks of being taken to the casino by friends and starting up gambling again. If your friends know – they are less likely to take you in the first place and if they should ask – if they do know it is easier to explain why going there is not a good idea for you.
Also friends can shore you up when you are feeling urges and maybe take you out to other (non gambling) places.

I think you have done really well in the past few months and have got on with your life despite the withdrawal from gambling. Take things at a pace that feels right to you, like you say being too stressed can be a trigger – but also taking things too easy (so you become bored) can be a trigger as well so finding the right balance is crucial.

I was also a perfectionist when it came to getting grades – and then I realised that it was a trait akin to wanting to win more when gambling. Unless it is really necessary to get where you want to be – let it go. Just passing a course when you have been dealing with a devious addiction is a real achievement that you should be proud of. I hope your grade makes you proud and I wish you well for the future.

[Gbabyh]

I thank you for your comment. I’m sitting in a quiet place and thinking, and yes, it does feel good and I should be proud of the progress I’ve made. I’m grateful for having come this far – I can thank the people at my GA meetings and those around me a lot for this. Let’s march on together!

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

For too long I have been of the opinion that I must do this on my own and keep it a secret to my friends, but that’s just another trait of my flawed addictive personality. The saying that addiction is the opposite of connection is something I can really resonate with because a huge element in my gambling has been isolation from people around me. And I’m just reaching a point where I feel the need of reconnecting to people and form relationships that are loving and encouraging. And this secrecy I carry with me will not allow that…

I thank you for your support and your well wishes, Steev 🙂

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

Holy fricking #¤% I’m a nervous right now…

I spend a good hour on wording the confession to my friends, and when it came to hit enter and send it I almost couldn’t do it! I almost deleted it all, but in the end, I managed to send it. 

I immediately logged off of  Facebook and deleted the app on my phone because I’m too nervous and scared of the reactions I’m gonna get. I’m tripping right now and heart is pounding fast. I’m gonna need a quick workout session on my way home tonight…

[Steev]

Believe me – it will be fine.
Gambling – even when we are in recovery is one of the biggest things in our lives – but most of our friends hardly ever think about it. The reaction will be much less than you fear … probably the facebook equivalent of a shrug. Hopefully your friends will be supportive – why shouldn’t they be?
The important thing is that you have done it – and it will be a relief that others close to you know. It will also help cement your new identity as a « former gambler, » or whatever phrase feels right for you – as you will think twice about gambling as it will conflict with how you see yourself now. Think of it as another barrier in the way.
Treat yourself tonight or tomorrow … you deserve it!

[Gbabyh]

Just got home after celebrating my birthday with my family and girlfriend. Boy was I spoiled today! I had a great day and I’m positive that I’m stepping into my 26th year with hope and determination. I did as Steev asked of me, I treated myself today and it was gooood. So grateful for this day. Tomorrow is going to be a great day aswell. Have a good one!

– Chris

[jen3]

Happy belated Birthday!

[Gbabyh]

The last few days have been anxious for me because I today was my final attempt in a course, which I followed about 2 years ago, so it was very rusty for me. Spend more or less all my available time to study on from the 8th to the 15th of August, and I got pretty decent towards the end of it, so I was getting hopes up for a good grade. Keep in mind, I was still quite anxious because it was my last attempt … I went to the exam and the assignment was NOTHING alike any of the previous 7 years of exams in this subject, and the topic of the assignment is perhaps 5% of the entire subject, whereas the last 95% involves the same topic and its variations. So, naturally, I hadn’t solved any assignments in this topic before (there isn’t even any available even if I had thought of it). So I’m sitting at the exam and thinking « shit! WTF is this ». Needless to say, It didn’t go too well, I’m not even sure I will pass.

I feel a lot of things right now. I feel a sense of waste because I have spent so much time studying for a subject the last week or so, only to be tested in something completely unexpected topic, which is almost neglectable in the big picture of the subject. And so, I kind of feel it’s unfair. To spend so much time studying, to get your hopes up for a good grade, to feel that I understand and manage the core of the subject, only to get blindsided like that at such a crucial moment as my final attempt…

At the end of it all, I can only take full responsibilities. It has been my own previous actions. which have put me in this situation, where I face my exam as a final attempt. I guess actions do come full circle after all… I am sooooo close to finishing my bachelor’s degree. I just need to pass this course and defend my bachelor’s thesis and then I’m done! And now I’m at risk of being ejected from my education because I might fail this exam. Honestly, the feeling sucks, and all I can do is wait for the test results, but I can’t seem to stop worrying and let go of this, which is out of my hands now. This is a bad and risky state for me – I just hope I won’t do anything stupid, such as convincing myself to gamble. Hell no!!

[Steev]

the ins and outs of the situation – but I did understand the last couple of sentences.

Worry seems a weird thing. It doesn’t help the situation – in fact it often makes it worse, but we can’t help but worry sometimes.

I worried when I was badly in debt. Two things helped – first coming to terms with the situation – getting the facts (if I couldn’t pay the mortgage what then) and then coming to terms with the outcome. What is the worst that could happen? Are you certain that would be the outcome? If so can you come to terms with that – and hope for something better?

The other thing that helped was mindfulness – practicing this technique did quieten the little voice in my head which kept saying « what if … » Though I still say that it is more difficult to get mindfulness to work when you really need it!
Time will help though.

Remember that all this is an emotional response to what has happened. Logically, gambling will also not help the situation in any way – but our emotional mind will say « it wasn’t fair – I need to do something to take my mind off things – like gambling » As you say the answer is « hell no! »

I hope things go well for you.

[Gbabyh]

due to the emotional state, I found myself in, and even so, I try to refrain from details as much as possible, so that probably explains why the causation of the problem was a bit confusing. 

Nevertheless, you made a very meaningful comment about my post, Steev. Thank you. Worrying is a weird thing. In fact, so are many emotions. Realizing that nothing good from worrying will come at this point, I still found it hard to let go of it, and so I look to escape it somehow. Thankfully I didn’t escape by gambling but instead opted to meet my girlfriend at our local ice cream shop. We talked about the whole situation and eventually, I managed to wrap my head around the fact that, it is what it is. The outcomes I was worrying about may not necessarily happen, and if it does, there are several options for me to take in order for me to continue my master’s degree at the same university. And I did come to terms with the fact that I should accept a lower grade as long as I pass the exam because I’m desperate for a clean slate, which I will get when I’m studying my masters (my bachelor have been a long grind due to gambling).

I’m a bit worried about my mindfulness of the situation. Looking back and evaluating my thoughts and responses to this ‘predicament’ I wasn’t being mindful of my thoughts. I feel it was more luck than anything that I chose the healthy action of eating ice cream with my girlfriend as an escape of this worrying. For all I know, I could have been unlucky and chosen the unhealthy action of old and bad behavioral patterns which leads to gambling or just the straight route of gambling. And so, I wish I had more awareness in the situation because these types of situations are likely to happen again.

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

Jesus Christ! Just got through two days with two exams – one being my oral defense of my bachelor’s thesis. The last few days have been so extremely stressful and anxious, and I’m really just becoming sick of this feeling – had enough at this point! I need to figure my shit out. Stop postponing and procrastinating (which is just me running from my fears) so I don’t have to go through the same stressful process every exam. Luckily my degree is more or less done now – just waiting for two grades more. Hopefully, I can capitalize on this fresh beginning of my masters next semester, which I have been wanting for over a year now.

I haven’t gambled and I haven’t thought about it, even with all the stress, fear and anxiety I’ve been going through this summer. However, it’s not like I tackled my addictive personality perfectly. Instead, I’ve been eating quite unhealthy and I haven’t been able to maintain my body, which has resulted in the gain of a few pounds.

I think my main take away from this is: I should be proud of getting through my degree, which is considered very prestigious and one of the harder degrees in Denmark, in spite of my gambling addiction. Especially, I should be proud of getting through these last 3 months with exams whilst in the early recovery of a relapse. I should be grateful for the support I have received from this forum, my GA community and the people around me. It’s time for a new beginning in one of the most stressful aspects of my life – this time I will stay ahead of things and not put myself in bad situations.

I feel that I can finally go out and achieve the life balance between my studies, self-care, relationships, work and eventually hobbies.

I’m deeply grateful to be where I am today. Thank you to all of you!

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

Life is great at the moment – I’m so thankful for that.

I’ve been getting more involved in my GA meetings/community and taking on more responsibilities. However, the number of people attending the meetings have been declining lately – presumably because it’s not as good as it used to be or compared to other anonymous meetings like AA. So, if anyone has any tips etc. on how to improve the GA meetings I would be very thankful.

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

Detection of old behavior: Trust issues…

Tonight my girlfriend was to a reunion, but it was only her and this male friend from her high school that she’d only known for 1 year. So basically it ended up like a date. They met up at a ramen restaurant (which we coincidentally had our 2nd date on). I know nothing of this guy and I don’t even know how he looks. But she went there while I was attending my GA meeting. After I was done I texted her on Fb and asked when she would be home, I noticed she came online but didn’t answer me. I took it as she ignored me. Well, this is the point where my rational self lost its footing and my brain and trust issues took control.

I started noticing that she had been away for 4 hours at this ramen place, which I found oddly long. I started overanalyzing her responses right up to the dinner and how they weren’t as « lovingly » as they normally are. I started feeling insecure, overseen, neglected, I wondered if she was lying or if it was real date and so on. I don’t want to believe, even think, these things. But once I get started I can’t help it… I didn’t react too badly on it, as I have done in the past, but I’m very affected by this at the moment, and im having a hard time letting it go, which ruins the mood and the interaction with my girlfriend when she came home, which will only make things worse…

I can’t stand this man… shit!

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

Been sick this whole past week. Lately, I have been detecting internal resistance towards my recovery i.e. this forum and my GA community. I feel I’m being lazy and unmotivated towards all aspects of my life. Something is holding me back, something in me is trying to work against my goals and what is good for me. I feel like I have fallen off the horse and I’m struggling to get back on it. I’m not good at getting started with something, and when I do, I often don’t finish it or stay consistent. I have lots of thoughts of self-doubt and what my character REALLY is. Is it really as stoic or strong as I picture it? Based on my history I think not…

[Steev]

I don’t think it is realistic to be consistent in all we do. I know I get fed up and unmotivated from time to time. What works for me is to ring the changes occasionally. For GA – maybe look for a meeting in a town you have always wanted to visit (by the sea?) and spend the day there with the meeting in the evening … Here, maybe instead of posting in this forum – have a look if you could add something to the « recovery tools » part or just take part in a group at some time. Or maybe just take a break and try some other approach. Are you involved in any counselling? That is a good way of getting a handle on who you really are – and also getting some honest feedback on how you appear to the outside world.

You are doing really well – over 200 days is no mean feat. Keep it going. Perhaps you just need to add some spice to your life!

[Gbabyh]

My life the last 3-4 weeks have been up and down. I realize that it’s because I haven’t been able to stay consistent with the different activities that are good for me in the long run – such as updating this journal and being active on the forum. Although I still go to GA and remain good relations in that community, I must admit, I have lost momentum and I have been having gambling thoughts. I must regain control and awareness of my actions before it is too late, but it’s tough because the old me is trying to pull the new me back to familiar and comfortable grounds.

Whoever reads this, I hope you’re doing well – Stay GF

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

Starting getting my act together again. Although I haven’t gambled in these 242 days, I know that there have been times where I’ve done things and been living my life according to the needs and impulses of my addictive personality. Whether it be overeating, avoiding deadlines, binging series, skipping workouts, playing too much computer – basically any type of running from my fears that are causing me a lot of stress. This is who I am at the moment. By default, I run from my fears and avoid responsibility. This creates the perfect circumstances for my addictive personality to take over again. I think a major step in my recovery is being able to deal with whatever I fear and cause me stress at the time in a responsible a logic way. After that part, or simultaneously, I must work on dealing with boredom/not experiencing the highs that I know from gambling. Being social is a pretty good counter to that part. I’m too lazy to structure this post properly right now, but the fact of the matter is, I’m doing well overall, and I have been able to deal with my addictive personality by doing all the right things that I know are good for me when in a good period, and by choosing the lesser of 2 evils when in a bad period, as I have been in recently.

Right now I look forward to seeing my progress next week, in terms of health and my education, and I look forward to all my social plans, which provide me with good breaks from either all my obligations through the day or my recovery from this sickness.

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

Last night my girlfriend and I decided to break up… We have been together for a year, and we almost lived together in a one-room apartment for the entirety of our relationship. I’m obviously very emotional and sad, but we both knew it was probably the right decision. I just never thought that I would leave someone I dearly loved…

Right now, I’m trying my best to deal with this responsibly and focus on the bright side of things, but I’m in so much pain that I can barely breathe or hold myself together. The logistics of moving I can deal with later when the timing is more right, she is perfectly fine with that. But damn… being with these feelings is rough…

[Steev]

Break ups are never easy. I broke up with my wife when I was about 5 years gambling free and of course thoughts turned to it. My gambling head was saying, « well I am on my own now – it is up to me what I do with my life … I can block the pain I feel by playing slots. »

The more rational side of me thought – « hang on … I am really hurting at the moment. Losing has always been painful. Why should I pile more pain onto myself by gambling? »

I got through those early days by pampering myself – by going out with friends a lot – not cutting myself off … and by picking up some of my other interests.

It will be tough – hopefully you can still be friends. It is hard to lose both a partner and a friendship – treat yourself gently and get as much support for yourself as you can. Share if you need to.

[Gbabyh]

Yes, it’s definitely tough to deal with a break-up, especially with end-of-semester stuff going on and moving to a new place to stay at. I feel so many things; sadness, fear, loneliness, confusion, depressed and so on…

I’ve been writing a lot in my personal notebook, which is small enough to carry around in my pockets. It really helps with all the thoughts in my head. I can return to my notes when I feel weak and when I find myself entertaining the thought of getting back together. That’s the most important thing to me right now – to let go of the hope of finding our way back together. It’s not what we truly want, and it’s certainly not something I can control. I’m just trying my hardest to surrender myself to this new situation and letting go of the past, and accept it while embracing whatever is coming my way.

Since my last post, I feel better, although still terrible. I took your advice and sought out friends and meetings, which have helped immensely. It’s nice to feel cared about.

[Gbabyh]

It’s so nice to hear from you – I hope you’re doing well.

I am thankful for the support I receive from everyone I know, it really helps a lot. The thought of having support from strangers in other lands is really encouraging – bless this forum. I’m still struggling, but I managed to get by these last two days, and I do feel a tiny bit better.

[Gbabyh]

Yikes! It’s been a while since I’ve visited this site… I installed a productivity/blockade app, which prevented me from visiting certain sites, including sites with the word « gambling » in it, i.e. I couldn’t go to this forum haha. This just goes to show how a little blockade or the ease of access can guide humans towards the things they don’t want and the things that they want…

Needless to say, I’ve finally fixed my settings 🙂

[Steev]

Be good to hear some news from you! Just saying 😉

[Auteur]

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