[rose26]

Hi, sorry if I’m not doing this right.. I’m new here!
I have been with my partner for 10 1/2 years and we have 3 kids together.
We were due to get married this year but I’ve recently found out he’s been gambling again, and don’t think it would be a good idea.
He’s been to Ga in the past but stopped going..
I don’t know if I’m fighting a losing battle and should give up the fight, its been going on for such a long time Noe.
But I Also don’t want to break up my family 🙁

[rose26]

Ty for listening x

[velvet]

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Hello Rose

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Rose

Unfortunately I didn’t see your post until I came to close my computer for the night. I will post to you tomorrow but I just wanted to let you know that you had been heard.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Rose
You have done everything right and I am glad that you have found our forum.
I cannot tell you what to do Rose but with knowledge of your partner’s addiction I hope you will find you can make the right decisions for you, your children and your partner.
I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and terrific lives lived as a result so I certainly would never suggest the breaking up of a family. It would help to know a bit more about you both Rose. For instance, does he acknowledge he has a gambling problem; are there gambling debts; do you have a supportive family; when he went to GA did he stop gambling?
I will leave it there and await a further post from – but meanwhile, over this Easter weekend, I hope you find some assurance in the knowledge that you are understood.
There will always be someone listening, so just post – the first post is always the hardest and you have done that so well done.
Velvet

[rose26]

Hi velvet,
Thank you very much for replying. Its a great comfort knowing someone is listening, and understands!
He has acknowledged he has a problem, but I’m not sure if he really believes it; he carries on gambling and doesn’t do anything about it, but does say its a problem, doesn’t know why he does it, plays catch up etc.. Says « he slipped up »
He has lost a house in the past and has old debts, mainly due to gambling or just generally being bad with money..
I have a very supportive family, they are still young and have families of their own so I don’t get to see them loads but they’re always there to listen (something my partner finds hard to understand; that I go to them when things like this happen) I think this is the last straw for my mum, she has had enough as far as the gambling is concerned.
We were due to get married this year and I can’t help bit feel so hurt and angry that he could do this again behind my back on the run up to our wedding, I’ve had to cancel it now.
He did give up for. A while, then started dabbling in poker stars and now he’s gone back to the bookies (as far as I know)

[rose26]

Think I might be done. Although my feelings change constantly from day to day, hour to hour. I just can’t get past the fact he’s taken our special day, our future away from us..
I think I will habour that resentment for a long time, and all the trust we had built back up has been knocked back down again.
After all these years, and he’s still doing the same thing? I can’t think what will stop him?
We’ve split before and got back together on the basis that he would get help, change his lifestyle etc and its all gone back to the way it was.
As for looking after the money, I already have 3 children, I don’t want a fourth; I want to feel looked after, not like I’m looking after him! As selfish as that sounds..

[velvet]

Hi Rose
I heard nothing selfish in you post at all but I hope that writing a journal on here will help you be surer of what you want and more importantly what is right for you and your family. I remember only too well how my feelings changed on a daily basis but I believe you shouldn’t worry about being stuck in your thoughts and actions – it is better to stand still at such times until you know which way forward ‘you’ really want to go.
Your partner didn’t want on ask for his addiction any more than you did. He is not a happy person because, unlike you, he is controlled by an addiction that determines how he will think and what he will do – you are not controlled by his addiction, although it is affecting your life.
If you have times when conversation is not about gambling, it is good to talk about the great times you had when he was not gambling and how happy you and the children were. Remind him how important he is to his family. Remind him about his hobbies, days out, fun times and the times you laughed together. It is quite normal to think about walking away and it probably is the easier option but it is tough bringing up children on your own and if he can pull himself together and take control of his addiction, it would probably be better for all of you.
Does he know that you are seeking support? Maybe it would do him good to realise that you are taking the situation seriously even if he is not. Maybe he should know that it is tough for you but you are willing to walk the extra mile ‘if he will walk with you’.
Splitting in the hope of seeing change often doesn’t work – his addiction is the master of threats which you are not. His addiction doesn’t like being dictated to but there are coping methods to help you deal with it. His addiction has taken your special day away but it need not have taken your future. You haven’t said in your post whether you still love him or not – I know how hard it is to love someone with an active addiction but If you do love him maybe you want to try something different – just as he needs to.
Whatever happens you will probably harbour resentment for quite a long time but time can erase that resentment, he can change.
It will be great to communicate with you in real time, I have a group on Tuesdays 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time and although I will never tell you what to do – because all decisions you make have to be ‘yours’, I will answer your questions honestly. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum. You will be most welcome.
Velvet

[rose26]

Had a conversation about it with him. He’s not keen on going back to GA and says he « knows what happens there » and I can help him with it..
He keeps telling me I have a shopping addiction (I can be obsessive about things and have recently come into some money and got a bit carried away, whenever I do have money I do tend to spend too much on the boys clothes etc)
But I feel like this is him deflecting it onto me?
But I don’t lie about it, and know I could be better with money too..
I’m not sure I’ll be able to make this Tuesday’s live chat, but hopefully one in the future 🙂

[rose26]

Me again..
He can’t seem to get past the fact that I’ve spoken to other people about it. He doesn’t really get the whole opening up and sharing problems, and says I should have kept it between us.
Still don’t think he’s accepted we’re no longer getting married either, and blames me for telling people and not being able to ‘turn back’

[velvet]

Hi Rose
Looking for support for yourself, just like you postponing/cancelling your wedding, are just further excuses for his addiction to blame.
Although it is not recognized professionally many of us have used the following coping method to deal with deflection when dealing with the addiction to gamble.
Imagine your partner’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet. Your partner is controlled by that addiction – you are not.
His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation which you are not and nor do you want to be. When you threaten his addiction, such as seeking support to help you cope, the beast comes between you and controls the conversation turning it into an argument that suits his personal perception. Having got you into an argument, that ‘you’ didn’t want, you will hear only lies, deceit and blame as your partner’s addiction seeks to demoralize you. When you speak to your partner, the addiction beast distorts your words and he will not comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me the following way: His addiction had made him truly believe that he was an unlovable, worthless failure so when I was pleading with him and telling him that if he stopped lying and live honestly, he would be happy, his distorting addiction was twisting my words telling him I was a liar. Deep in his misery he felt lost and afraid, and fought back with the chosen weapons of his addiction – namely blame, lies and deceit because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism..
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to not ‘try’ and believe the CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your partner is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with your children and make the right decisions for your relationship. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
Many CG do not find their recovery in GA but there are other ways for him to seek support. We have a terrific helpline on this site, manned by a CG who lives in control of his addiction and a dedicated counsellor. Maybe you could ask your partner to talk to our helpline and ask them, as a third party, what they think about you seeking support or postponing your wedding It is anonymous and one-to-one so he has nothing to lose. We also have CG only groups and the CG forum ‘My Journal’ where he would be welcome – again anonymous.
Controlling the addiction to gamble is tough but he can do it and live a terrific life in control of his own life.
I hope some of this helps but please keep posting – I believe writing our thoughts down is one of the best therapeutic things we can do.
Velvet

[nomore 56]

Hi Rose, I love Velvet’s image of the beast in the corner. It is so true imhop. I just want to add something re how a cg in recovery sees him/herself when the addiction was in charge. My hb told me that gambled when he felt overwhelmed with a situation and told himself, that the whole world was against him. Nobody cared, he felt deprived, misunderstood, you name it. So then the addiction whispered in his ear that he deserved a little something to treat himself. This went on even after he served a prison term for embezzlement. He was upset that nobody supported him, turned their back on him and keeping on gambling was all he had left. Today he tells me that he never felt appreciated by anyone, (which wasn’t true) and used his addiction to punish everybody he thought had deserted him. So basically he believed that his feelings of being unworthy did not come from within but were created solely by the behavior of family and friends. Does that even make sense I wonder?? But I cannot describe it any other way.
The addiction thrives on secrecy. It needs to be hidden and if only to ensure some possible future resources for money. That was the case at least for my hb. Hang in there, there is life after gambling.

[Auteur]

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