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Why am I not getting better in my mind. This is the longest I have been off gambling for a long time, but my mind is getting worse. My depression is deepening. My regrets growing. I KNOW there is nothing I can do about the past but it frustrates me of how I could be so blind as to where my gambling would lead. There was enough profit in the contract we did last year to pay off the company debts, make monica redundant, and pay for some advice to help build the company as we delivered the project. Instead, my gambling ramped up to a more intense level than ever before, where I would literally spend all day in the office playing poker. I would not do ANY work at all. I couldn’t. And when I forced my self to stop playing my head was spinning, I hated myself, and the only way those feelings went away was when I played again – and lost more money, and more time, and more self respect. I am fooling myself if I say I do not need Gordon Moody Associated. I have a very serious gambling addiction that got worse and worse and worse. It was bad in 2012, got worse in 2013 and then exploded in 2014. This year, when I seriously tried to quit, I have had 4 relapses since Feb 16th – which nearly cost me 15K, but didn’t in the end. But the intensity of playing with 1K per hand on BlackJack seriously messed with me. I remember at the end of Feb I was 2K up but couldn’t stop. I remember saying to myself “stop now before you lose it all, prove you’re not a CG”. But I couldn’t.

And all the while I was sinking further and further into depression, missing work opportunities to pitch on new work, not paying the copmany debts, sliding more and more into the deepest depression of my life.

Right now I am in a cafe waiting to go to my meeting with my accountant. That would be a trigger for me to gamble. I have my laptop, and usually I would get a few hands in before and after meetings. On the way I would be so excited my skin would itch, my head just thinking about gambling.

I believe I have a serious gambling addiction as I still think back to all the gambling days. What I have lost. Gambling is the only thing I think about and talk about. My whole thinking is totally skewed. And at the same time I have to prep for GMA, close my business, deal with HMRC, deal with my debts, got no money, no job, no future. Christ, I have really —-ed this up.

I read some of the stories here and they break my heart. This really is an insidious addiction, it takes no prisoners, makes us all horrible, nasty people. It robs us of who we are. I think this is the worst addiction I have ever had – I never gave it its dues before.

When I first went to GA I didn’t believe I had a problem. I had been CGing for 2 months. I thought I could handle it. This has won. I never want to gamble again.

I did find an online game site a few days ago and found myself playing poker just for points against oppoenents. It got my blood going again and so I stopped. I thought it might be like methadone, but no. It just made me want to gamble. What the —- is this about, why can’t I just forget about it. I need to focus on what I have to do – and yet, I am full of guilt, remorse, shame. Does anyone here know how to deal with these emotions? Do I just accept everything? I am starting to suspect that acceptance is the key.

I am a compuslive gambler
I have broken my marriage
I have broken my own spirit
I have put my career back years
I need to get better
I can never gamble again

I will be in GA in 1 week
I need to do – 6 months VAT returns
Finish cleaning office
Clean house and spare room for Monica
Get details of all my debts

In 2 months I will hopefully be in GMA
In 3 months I will hopefully be finishing GMA
In 4 months I will be out. Where will I live, where will I work, what will I do? Will my company be waiting for me? Will anyone employ me? Will I be in a better state of mind and able to deal with the shit I will have to deal with?

take care everyone, I wish you all a wonderful day. I am sorry for the negative post but I need to get it off my chest. I realise if I do not write here what I am thinking it gets lost in my head. This way I get it down on paper.

Love you all