[ungrateful traitorous daughter]

Hi. I’m new to not only the site bur addressing the problem at hand. I’m 45, disabled, and a single mother to four teens. I have a senior mother who recognized she had a gambling addiction years ago. She had herself banned from the local casinos and has since more or less contented herself with offline slot machine games.
The past several months, however, she has started playing the “scratchers” that are available at any mini-mart/grocery store here in the US. When she started it seemed to be no big deal – just a couple of tickets here and there.It’s progressed into this monster that I don’t know how to deal with.
As she no longer drives, she has her caregiver take her twice, sometimes three times a day to get a stack of scratchers maybe two inches tall. And not the dollar scratchers either but five and ten dollar ones. Later the same day she’ll take her buggy across the street to the grocery and trade them in for more. Still later the same day she’ll call either me or my sister (or both) to get a ride somewhere else. She says she’s only spending the money she has invested in it but I’ve SEEN her pulling twenties and hundreds out to pay for them. She never gets change for them either.
It’s to the point that when one time I was running errands for her and was running short of time before my children got home she told me just pick up the tickets and not worry about going to pick up her blood pressure medicine. (I was late getting home for the kids that day and arrived to find them patiently waiting in the driveway).
She has a history of anxiety and depression. Her blood pressure is through the roof high and with her other medical conditions I’m really worried ablut her health.
She uses guilt a lot. She get’s very angry when I don’t take her in the evening to get her tickets. Do I take my teens along???? What an I supposed to tell them ??? Do I leave them home alone?? One of them has Aspberger’s and I’m usually pretty cautious with him.
Mom will guilt me out saying how it was my idea she got rid of her car after she almost hit a child and DID run into a pole several minutes after that the last time she drove.
I really don’t mind running Mom around and doing her errands. She lives less than five miles away and it’s really no trouble. We’re really the best of friends. We talk on the phone several times a day and see each other alomst every day. This situation is putting a lot of stress on me. I dread answering the phone when I know her caregivers not there.
There’s another thng that really factors into this and really complicates the issue.
I have a problem with unneccessary spending. To the point where I’ve had to borrow money from my mother. It has to be addressed in this post because of the additional guilt when deciding whether to give Mom a ride.
Please understand, we’re very low income since the child support stopped and when I say irresponsible spending I’m talking about 40-50 dollars a month. I’ve had to borrow more than this from Mom however as we just don’t have enough income even with the few expenses we have.
The main problem, though is Mom sees the scratchers as “entertainment” not gambling. i can’t get her to understand.
I’m stressed, frustrated, and sad. It’s affecting my time with my kids and the mood I’m in when around them.
If anyone can write back to me I’d really appreciate it. Thanks

[Dunc]

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Hello

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

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[worriedmama]

Hi ungrateful traitorous daughter. Firstly you are only one of those things… a daughter!! Secondly your mom certainly sounds like a compulsive gambler which I am sure you already suspect.
I know its very difficult as she is your mom and you are close but you may need a sit down talk with her. Explain your concerns and let her know that you can’t be a participant in this by driving her to the store etc. She will undoubtedly be angry but addicts always are when you come between them and their drug of choice. You know you are a good daughter and love your mom which is why this concerns you. When a CG gets angry they start manipulating and throwing all sorts of insults around. If you can find a way to let this roll over you and not bite you will have a little more success.
As she had issues with gambling in the past this isn’t just entertainment for her. Compulsive gambling is a serious progressive addiction that can sneak up on people in a matter of no time so you are right to be concerned.
Keep writing and talking… it helps to get some perspective!

[Anonymous]

Well am glad that you are talking the step to write about your worries, its hard to deal with them alone.Your mom knows well how to use the right word to make you feel bad, dont let her bother your head she does love she is just ill and needs help.Dealing with my cg has taught so many things one not to let them use the BLAME GAME nope dont allow it.They seem to be thinking that if they do that youll give in and that they are right and thier not.They can be a pain and am just speaking of mine he drives me insane make me think that am wrong and i have to step back and think clearly and question myself and awnser my self to keep sanity.He did the scratchers for a while too their would be allover the place but i didnt think of it as something bad but i should have it got and is so worst.But thiers hope as lone as they want the help and understand what is really bothering them that makes the escape or get the right treatment , But learn this i have, this is their addiction not yours and as much as you love them which is great your their support system and they have to do their part .
keep trying to get help for her GA meetings for her or a nice church group counseling would help a doctors apt and tell them was she is doing and the way that she is acting maybe she needs some meds i know my husband was doing really great on them and then he just stopped taking them and guess what after two month clean he went back to his habbit .try some of that, oh and please inform your self so very much about this iisue it will help u understand the situations that you may be faced with Belive me it helps to lear about them and what happens to thier mental state.
take care

Tania

[velvet]

Hi Daughter
I’m not going to call you ungrateful or treacherous, you are the daughter of a woman with an addiction and you have worries of your own, it stands to reason it is complicated.
My thought on reading your post was that there was an unnecessary amount of guilt flying around and guilt holds people back from doing the right thing. You are enabling your mum to get scratch cards because ‘you’ feel guilty but why and how are you guilty? It is not your fault that your mother had become a danger to herself and others and so had to sell her car. It is not your fault that your mother is a CG.
You have done well accepting that you are spending too much and maybe it would help you to talk about why you think you do this – but your over-spending does not change the way your mother is.
You have too many worries at the moment – your life is like a giant jig-saw in too many pieces – you can’t see what is going on – but if you take one problem at a time and deal with it before you tackle another problem, gradually the pieces will come together and you will see the whole picture clearly.
I hope you will update your thread soon – you have done well to tell us about your mum but also to mention your spending. Do you have anyone who support you and maybe handle your finances.
Velvet

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