[I_Maverick]

So, I have now entered the honeymoon period. 21 days without a bet and that, amazingly, is the truth. And now I feel it. The withdrawel is passing and I am starting to feel good. That’s not to say my life has got any better:

Monica still wants a divorce, we started packing the office up today, I am talking with the liquidators, I am massivly in debt, I can’t work for 3 months going to Gordon Moody and last week I tried to kill myself. But today, I could cope. I didn;y get frustrated or angry with what I did, I didn’t start hitting myself, I didn’t shout or moan and I kept the I Wish I Had done… to a minimum.

There were good things today. met our client who we made the 7 BSL films for – they are very very happy. They may even recommission later this year rather than putting it out for tender with an increased budget. They didn’t expect us to finish them all and would have ben happy if we had only delivered 4 rather than 6. But we always deliver. (The films can be seen here http://www.bslzone.co.uk Type in ZOOM into the search bar. You can also see SUPERSONIC which was a drama we made inbetween the 6 ZOOM films. We were BUSY last year making 2.5 hours on content AND I had a gambling addiction. Imagine what I could do WITHOUT a gambling addiction. The mind boggles).

We started packing the office. I felt sad, my brother made all my furniture but w ate keeping that and we will get a new office. I need to move on and I have to go to GMA.

I went to the monthly open group meeting of the Nation Problem Gambling Clinic and there I met a guy who did GMA 3 years ago. I am so looking forward to going. Also, there was a guy there who had never been to GA so he came with me. Had a great meeting, spoke to lots of people, making friends there now. Lots of recovery in the room.

And all day I have had my doc I want to make about gambling bubbling round, so creative juices flowing again. I will be saying more about that as I develop it further and move more into recovery. I want the film to be an exploration of recovery and what that means, as well as looking at what compulsive gambling is and how it affects people. It will mainly feature people in recovery, various stages from early to mature. The film’s working title is IN RECOVERY: ONE DAY AT A TIME. It will also feature scientists and gambling experts.

I am aware that I may be moving into the honeymoon period where I may start to get thoughts – ah, I am cured. I can gamble again. I must be careful of complacency – if I gambled now and lost it again I may find it hard to get back into recovery again. I would hate myself so much. These 21 days have been so hard – It has been 39 days with just 1,5 hours gambling 21 days ago. This is a personal record of enforced absintance. Even Monica is noticing I am different – but I take nothing for granted.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

just for today I will not gamble.

all my love to all of you, I feel so lucky to have found this place at last and while i do wish I had found it sooner, I have it now and that is what matters.

xxx

[I_Maverick]

SO I woke up with familiar negative thoughts about what I had done. MOnica is upset this morning about the state of her life – she is expressing her regerts to me, many of them because she has had to deal with an addict. We hold so many other people’s lives back. I cannot change the past, but with my actions today I can affect the future. This is a new way of thinking for me. If I have a good day today, tomorrow can be a little but better.

My son is playing with his toys, talking to himself. I have missed the first 1.6 years of his life by being distracted with gamnbling, fighting, being stressed and being stuck in my head. I am not missing any more.

Just for today I will not gamble, and I wish everyone on here a wonderful, productive day.

[Anonymous]

I follow your progress Mav, and know of your struggles am very pleased that you’re off to GMA.

Dont worry about your next bet mate, there really dosn’t have to be one. Don’t be afaid to let go of the gambling mate, you may feel like it has been a huge chunk of your life for years, I would beg to differ. It has stolen huge chunks of your life for years thats what I would say.

Honeymoon period? No mate, a gamble free life, thats what you’re living.

” if I gambled now and lost it again I may find it hard to get back into recovery again” Very true, but why worry about that you’ve a lot more important things to be getting on with.

To quote another Maverick that used to post here, “just because the monkeys off your back, dosn’t mean the circus has left town. Please keep your wits about you mate.

All the best.

Geordie.

[I_Maverick]

Hey Geordie

Thanks for your post. I am calling this the honeymoon period as that is what someone with 29 years of recovery in GA called it. The first moment when you realise you have been gamble free. This is what I need to be careful off.

Gotta go to wash my little monkey

[Dunc]

Hey Mav

” if I gambled now and lost it again I may find it hard to get back into recovery again” ” now I’m not giving the green light to have the odd gamble, But the reality of a slip and Geordie will I hope agree is that slips can be used as lessons.

Whilst we search, examine life sometimes small what seem irrelevant decisions may take place that are triggers… Ideally we spot the emotion, and deal with it… but so many of us know that a slip has actually been a valuable lesson, its could be costly it could be emotional but if it adds another tool to you box …. maybe a slip just isnt as bad as some think

[I_Maverick]

I agree with that wholeheartedly. I have decided that my last slip 22 days ago was my final slip, the final piece of the gambling jigsaw. In 1.5 hours I managed to compress ALL my gambling into 1 small session. The loss was quite small, but emotionally it was hard. Today would have been day 40. But I learned from that that I cannot gamble again. Why? Because I can’t win so what is the point of that? I turned 30 in 200. Then lost it. Turned another 50 in 250. Lost that. Then lost 220 really quickly before stopping. And that was my last bet. It had everything – up, down, try to stop, then chase etc etc.

Slips are important, but everyone has to decide when their last slip was. I cannot fool myself that I will win on the next bet, because I won’t. And anyway, I need recovery as it is the resrearch for my film. I cannot make a film exploring recovery unless I have some of it for myself, hence the new thread here.

Also, I found out on the day of my last slip that I had a date at GMA – so the two things tie together nicely.

I am enjoying recovery – every day I do not gamble is a good day. Every day I make today good, I can make together better.

Thanks for your time Harry.

[Anonymous]

Of course Harry, we should learn from our slips, but just don’t think it does us any good to ponder what would happen if we gambled again. We all know the answer to that one.

We can all have contingency plans in place for when/if we slip again. But once the gambling has begun those plans end up the same place as our money…down the drain.

People do slip, well slip is a funny word actually, I think its only ever a slip if a person has been living whole heartedly in recovery and takes their foot off the gas. I think if a person is living with a desire to gamble and having a daily fight with urges that’s not recovery but a valiant effort at abstinence, a subsequent gambling episode isn’t really a slip from anything.

Its great to read when people do learn from a slip and then do things slightly different to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

[I_Maverick]

At the moment I am having only slight urges. It is easy to control. I am currently learning how to live with the world I have created for myself – the shame, guilt, the fact that I have ruined my life so far. I am eager for recovery, it is what I desire. But my mind is still clouded by what I did for 3 years, how gambling came before everything else. How only now that I have stopped because I had to (because I got caught and I knew deep down it was a big problem) can I see what I have done.

I look back to last year and see so many opportunities I had to quit, to deal with it and rebuild. Pay the company debts, make plans etc etc. Instead I CHOSE to keep playing, to have it all.

It is so true that this illness is an emotional one. The reasons I gambled were to escape my feelings, my responsibilities – I think I always knew I was heading here and I became wilfully self destructive – until I did it and then I regretted it. I remember just chukcing money away, so low, on rubbish hands, just punishing myself.

I have to learn to forgive myself, to accept I have an illness which I will always have. But not gambling is not enough. There has to be change to recovery, and I know I have to get ruid of the office. Some people just came to have a look at it, and they loved it. Were amazed we were moving out. We are only paying 985 a month – the landlords will rent it for 1700 a month, what a great deal we had here. BUt all things much come to an end, I suppose I have to accept that. It is all myfault.

The WORST thing now would be to gamble again, even buying a scratch card or flipping a coin. I am taking GA seriously. If I gamble thinking I can win, I will lose. If I win, I will play more. If I lose I will play more. There is no end to the gambling misery if I slip.

I need to refocus my mind and focus on closing the office.

[I_Maverick]

So, struggling today. Struggling with guilt, what I have done. The sadness of closing my office, the fact there is no money left, no work. Everything bad happening is a DIRECT result of 3 years of gambling. I could probably have saved all of this on so many occaisons by taking my illness seriously. I thought I could handle it, and I probably could have done if I had also done work as well. All I had to do we keep working on my business, but the addiction didn’t let me think straight.

I hope EVERYONE on this site who is struggling to give up gambling can do so. It is so not worth it, it is the most ruinious of addictions. It affects so many parts of your life. Mental, emotional, physical, financial. Just placing a bet for me now would be murderous. I cannot imagine doing it.

I honest feel so low again. Just sitting here writing this, looking at the state of my office, packing stuff away, knowing that this part of my life is over. That it is over because I fucked it up. I feel so stupid. So low.

Hey ho, life goes on – I can’t wait for GMA. I need to deal with this in a structured way otherwise I am going to go mad.

[I_Maverick]

Just a quick update. Packing up the office. Still struggling to accept what I have done – can not believe I let this addiction take so much from me. It’s taken everything, I have allowed it.

I do not know why I could not stop until it was too late. WHy am I a walking cliche. I could have stopped on so many occiasons and got my shit together – paid the company debts, found new staff to help bring in new clients etc etc. It is all so clear to me now – but what I have to do is murky. The closing of the company, my fuiture.

This was my problem last year – the big contract papered over the cracks in my life – it also gave me freedom to gamble, and so slowly, from a few hours here and there, soon became a raging non-stop addiction again. I realise this is how it will be if I ever gamble again. It will start slow – a few wins, a few losses – until I am at it all the time.

I refuse to let this addiction ruin any more of my life. It has taken everyghing.

All I can hope is that I am moving into a new period. A period of growth, learning, prosperity. I will take this on the chin – I have no one to blame but myself. But I must move on.

Still, I know this is all my own fault. There was no need for this to happen. If only I had gone back to GA on 27th jan 2014 and made an effort then to quit gambling and get my life back on track.

Take care all

M

[Anonymous]

Hi Mav,

Congratulations on your gamble free time. You have great inner strength in that you are staying gAmble free at such a stressful time of your life … And not only staying gamble free but also making plans for the future.

You are a strong person Mav!
The documentary sounds really good.. Being made by a gambler means it will be presented in a way that will help other gamblers.
I love that despite your addiction you take pride in your work and deliver on your promises.. It sounds like you might be given another chance at your business..

So uplifting to read your thread… Fills me with hope..

[I_Maverick]

Here is a link to a talk given my a recovering Compulsive Gambler. It is inspirational. There are amazing clips on YouTube.

I hope this is of help to people. It is to me.

[I_Maverick]

I am writing this for my benefit only. I know I could write this privately, but as part of my recovery process I am writing this here as a blog, as I would on any other blog.

My first recollection of gambling is as a child. My aunt in Germany (sister of my mother) had a boyfriend who was a jockey. They lived in Northern Italy near the racetrack where he raced. I remember my step-father (who I will called my dad from now on as he raised me from a young child of 4. My real father died when I was 4 months old) placing a bet for my brother and myself for him to win. He didn’t. I would have been 9 or 10.

My second recollection of gambling is at Scarborough where my dad was from. I can remember going down to the seafront and loving the 2p and 1p sliders as well as the 1 arm bandits. We are the only country in the world I think where children can gamble. I loved those machines and would always pester my mum and dad for pocket money to play on them. I would always walk away when I had a win and buy ice cream.

My third recollection of gambling comes in 2 parts from high school. 1 is playing penny against the wall and the other, when we were 5th years, playing 3 card brag with the science teacher. There were 6 or 7 of us who used to play. I remember loving that. I would have been 15 or 16

I have no more gambling memories until university when we used to play pontoon and poker for pennies. Just fun. In my second year and third year I developed a little bit of a crush on fruit machines, and they caused me a bit of grief, so I stopped that after a few months. They did cause me to miss meeting a mate who was coming from London to visit. He was quite pissed off as I was in the arcade when he got to my house. A quick play turned into hours. IN my 3rd year we played more poker and pontoon with mates and I remember chasing losses. I was starting to play the fruities more as well, losing time when I should have been studying. When we played poker I would get aggresssive if I made a bad call and would often lose my money. I was starting to lose the ability to manage my money by then. I was, and I think I still am, very immature.

My gambling stopped after uni as I stayed on in Leicester. Despite have a good degree I wanted to hang out with mate and because I couldn’t find a job in media (though I didn’t really look very hard) I found work selling double glazing door to door. being outwardly confident (and inwardly full of self -loathing but didn’t realise it) I started to lose myself in a haze of party drugs, raves, free parties which went from Ecstasy, Speed, LCD and Dope to heroin within a year. I always wanted to try heroin, infact I would try anything. I soon lost my way and 3 years later was a wreck. I never sought help for this and eventually after moving back to my mum and dads stopped using. I then got onto an MA for Filmmaking in Sheffield, found heroin again, almost fucked this up, but managed ot get through it. I was now 26 years old. I met my current wife there and after we graduated came to London. I found a job in media sales, where I again developed a thing for a fruit machine in a local pub, and started poker with my uni mates. But the gambling wasn’t a problem.

[charlster2]

I don’t think gambling starts off as a problem, it starts off as an escape. Well it did for me. It was something I could do on my own and forget about other things in my life while I did it. I think because we turned to it more and more for escapism, we fed the habit and unfortunately it gradually got hold of us and became an addiction. There was something fundamentally wrong with my life before I gambled and I’m intrigued to see how the GMA therapy dissects that side of the problem and addresses it. Perhaps, if you analyse your life, you may find reasons and triggers as to why you turned to gambling initially in the first instance. It will require people with greater powers and insight than we possess to clarify things for us.

I turned to gambling for 3 reasons, escapism in the first instance, then for chasing my losses and ultimately to self-destruct. Depending on my mind-set at certain times it could be any one of those 3 reasons or a combination of all 3. Very rarely did I do it for fun. It was only ever fun in the very early days. It soon became a chore, hard work and hardly ever pleasurable. Even when I won, I don’t remember being overly happy. I got brief highs, but small peaks were always followed by deep troughs and that pattern has remained constant right up to the present day!

The gambling industry really does need looking at. I don’t mean penny arcades at the seaside. Even as a compulsive gambler I would hate to see those go, but mainstream gambling is far too easily accessible and too over exposed to the masses. I’m not one for living in a nanny state and feel we should all be responsible for our own actions and lives and not be constantly told what to do, but to have gambling rammed down our throats during every commercial break is wrong and should be looked at and regulated by law.

Anyway mate, I could go on for hours, hope you’re feeling as good as you can under the circumstances. You’ve only got just under two weeks to wait until you start to be given the tools with which to help you build the next chapter of your life. Much happier times await, so keep the faith.

Charlster.

[p]

Well congrats on your gamble free time and keep up the effort, learning from your last slip as to what you didnt have in place that could have possibly avoided it is a good one to look at, is there anything else you could have done to protect you and your money. You are really going well lately and you should be proud of you its a really crazy addiction we face, but it can be done.. just dont gamble for this day just today..

P

[I_Maverick]

I am in bits. Why did I have to collapse mentally, why did I do this to myself? I am closing the office at the moment, speaking with the insolvency people, and I really don’t want to do this. Part of me is in denial, saying that i can fix this. But I know that is now impossible. The company has too many debts, I have lost too much time through this terrible crippling depression, coupled with the lapses, arguments, self harming. I am such a mess. I don’t know how to cope with this, my moods go up and down all the time.

I never understood how gambling would do this too me. I never realised that gambling COULD do this to me. How did I get so addicted that I didn’t stop last year and not only that, I didn;t do ANY work on the company at all such as payingour debts, doing new marketing etc etc. I think part of me made this happen. I think no matter what good things I have in my life I ruin them. I am so so scared of the future. I do not know what to do.

Thank you all for your support and kind words.

I’ve noticed I keep saying the same things in my posts, I need to move on so badly. But am terrified – no job, debts etc etc.

I am sure that what I am feeling has been felt by many people who are addicted to gambling and could not stop until it was too late. Why do we do this?

Have a great gamble free everyday everyone – remember, it just isn’t worth it at all. I don;t mind I was addicted to gambling, but what pisses me off is that I allowed it to destroy everything I cared for. That is what i can’t understand.

[Anonymous]

Hi Mav !! It’s a hard time for u … I promise things will get better !! You posts are good, open and honest !

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Happy. Your words mean a lot. I just don’t seem to be able to accept what I have done – fucked myself, my family and my business. Everything. I cannot find any good in my life at all, and I cannot talk myself around it. I am just not in a good frame of mind at all. Part of me just wants to cancel the closing of the company, cancel GMA, and try and trade my way out of this. But the company is insolvent, it cannot pay its debts, we have no work coming in and my wife wants me out of the house. And what if I did cancel all of that and try and do that – am I in a fit state of mind to actually do it? It would take at least a month to find a contract, and on my own would be almost impossible.

HOw do I cope with this? How will I ever get through this?

[charlster2]

What I’ve learned only recently is that if we want to get better and give ourselves a fighting chance of building a future with solid foundations we need to make further sacrifices.

What you’re doing is making a sacrifice by folding your company so that you can focus on the one thing that you need to now focus on and that is getting better.

Once you finish the GMA programme, you’ll be wiser, you’ll be fitter in mind and you should have the tools with which to deal with everyday situations avoiding the usual pit falls.

You are a talented guy and if you’re determined enough you’ll open another office and bound on again. This time you’ll have solid foundations and be building from the ground up instead of papering over cracks.

If you did cancel everything you’re working towards, (and I’m sure you wont), you’ll be dooming yourself to a lifetime of misery and that road could lead anywhere. I cancelled my place at the GMA a few weeks ago and I’m back to where I was when I first came on to this site. You’ll never break the cycle and things will only ever get worse.

You are looking for the easy way out because everything seems so hard at the moment. If you want to make your life easier, you need to close your company and embark on the GMA course. Any other course of action will be disastrous and there’s no other way of putting this.

I’m sure you know all of this anyway, so keep strong, go to GMA and reclaim your life, don’t throw it away without a fight Mav.

Keep strong and keep this thought in your mind, when you come out of the other side, you’ll have a thriving new company that you’ll be able to focus on fully having put so many demons to the sword.

Charlster.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Charlster

Thanks for that. I actually just had a chat with a business advisor and explained what I want to do, and he thinks there might be a way of keeping the company open. Closing the business is so complicated because we will have to still finish part of the contract. Also I just contacted by an old friend who wants to go into business with us. I think I am going to try and keep the company afloat just because it has a great trading history, despite the debts. There may be a way out of this.

I will keep you all informed.

Onwards and upwards

Mav

[charlster2]

That’s great news. There’s always a way and a solution to every problem and there will be a way around what you face. It’s all about sharing the problem in the first instance and talking to the right people.

Take care,

Charlster.

[velvet]

Hi Maverick
I can hear good in your life Maverick. I can hear a man who wants to change and it takes a courageous man to want to do that. Of course it takes courage, courage that you already have but didn’t know how to tap in to before.
I understand you wanting to cancel everything but – and it is a big BUT – you are not going to cancel because you are doing the right thing – you are giving yourself a chance to live as you have never lived before. Think about it – a gamble-free life – it is within your grasp.
Imagine for a second cancelling GMA – nothing would change, the addiction that has brought you to this point would have won again – an addiction that you don’t want, an addiction that hates you. Don’t imagine it for long Maverick – it is not a pretty picture,
Never mind how you became so addicted that you didn’t stop last year – today is all that matters and today you are going the right way.
I am so looking forward to your progress; of course it is hard, nobody ever said it would be easy. I think it would be strange if you were not scared – I took my CG to GMA a few years ago and I know how scared he was. Put your trust in those who are looking out for you, hold the hands of those who care for you in cyber space –we are real people even if we only appear as words on a page.
You can change your life Maverick, you have the ability to do so and you have the offer of support to help you achieve that which you want.
Velvet

[I_Maverick]

Thank you Velvet for your wonderful post. I am doing what I should have done years ago and seeking advice. I don’t know how this will work out, but regardless life goes on. I have made so many bad decisions, I don’t know what I am doing right now.

But I need to go to GMA that is clear to me. Tomorrow we put everything into storage and on Weds finish cleaning the office, hoovering etc. On Thursday I have my son all day as Monica has some work with our clients and on Friday I have a meeting with my accountant and a friend who has offered me a position in his new company. I have told him about my addiction. I think I will tell everyone who matters. I am sure I will get advice on that from GMA.

Thank you everyone for listening and offering advice. I am shocked by how low this addiction has brought me, and I remember all the times in the past 2 years I had the chance to change this. i couldn’t, the addiction wouldn’t let me.

I accept i am addicted to gambling and I always will be. I will be a CG forever, but I hope to be in recovery forever and change my life. Perhaps this is what I need.

Love

Mav

[Anonymous]

Hey Maverick, just wanted to thank you for the YouTube videos you shared. I listenend to a few of them. Very helpful. Thanks! I am happy for you about the business. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep going. Your doing great!

[Anonymous]

Hey Maverick, just wanted to thank you for the YouTube videos you shared. I listenend to a few of them. Very helpful. Thanks! I am happy for you about the business. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep going. Your doing great!

[I_Maverick]

Hi Jen

Thanks for your post. I just just got back from GA where I had a wonderful meeting and had a great therapy and listened to some wonderful therapies. There was a chap there who I brought to GA last week, and he hasn’t gambled since. For all of you who don’t go to GA – try it with an open mind. It is a wonderful place full of recovery, knowledge and above it, it does work if you want it to.

I have a head full of positivity. I am very happy I went. I feel strong about tomorrow, strong about the future of the business. It all feels like this should be happening – which is useful as there is not a thing I can do about it.

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my mental posts – I think without this forum I would have gone mad. I feel as if I am making friends here, people who I care about and who care about me – even if we don’t ‘know’ each other, we do know each other, all of us being members of the most expensive club in the world.

recovery – one day at a time. Please, yes.

Day 26 tomorrow – this is now the longest I have been without any sort of a bet since, I think, July 2011. And I don’t care that I can never have another bet. I just want to be without that drug, as I cannot handle it any more. It ceased to be fun many many moons ago and has brought only misery. I know there will be difficult days again, but as I sit here now I feel I might be able to handle them.

All my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

So today we have to move all the packed boxes and equipment from the office to storage. Tomorrow we can clean/ paint the office. ON Thursday Monica has interviews and meetings for potential work so I get Valentin all day, which I am excited about. On Friday I have a meeting with my accountant and then with a friend who has a new business proposition. What a full week.

Next week I need to help Monica clean our flat as she has someone moving in to the spare/ my room (we haven’t shared a bed for a long time due ro my depression/ gambling and how it ruined our relationship) and then I have to do the final bit and pieces of work on my business and prepare fully for GMA. ON Saturday 9 I travel to my brother’s house to leave my car there and he will drive me to Dudley to GMA.

What is recovery. Recovery is a personal experienced for everyone, as only we know what it is we did and how we did it. But recovery is not placing a bet one day at a time, but it is more than that. It is changing our way of thinking, of seeing, of acting.

Last night I had a wonderful night at GA. When I got the opportunity to give my therapy I read a passge from the GA book “Towards 90 Days”, This sums me up, sums up my gambling and how it affected me, and what was going on in my mind.

Here it is:

Accept the illness for what it is
Compulsive gambling is an emotional illness, which ca never be cured but can be arrested, ONE DAY AT A TIME.

The compsulive gabler is dominated by an irresistable urge to gamble. Coupled with this is the obsesive idea that a way can be found, not only to control the gambling but to make it pay and enjoy it.

While compulsively gambling, we foten express a desire to stop forever but, inveitably, we find ourselves back in action.

For most of us there are days, weeks or even months when we are certain we have gained control. These intervals invariably are followed by long periods of all-out uncotrolled gambling during which a progressive deterioation in almost every department of out lives become evident.

This deterioration is most acute in the relationship with our wives and husbands, friend, realtives and employers.

Therefor, acceptance of the progressive nature of our illness is vital to enable us to recover and return to a normal, productive and enjoyable way of life”

This passage completely sums up my entire mindset to gambling over the last 3 years. I tried to control il, enjoy it, make it pay. Some weeks or months I didn’t gamble much, but I did gamble at least every 2 or 3 days for an hour here or there. And then it would collapse into non-stop gambling, when I would do terrible damage.

I know I never want to gamble again, as one bet will lead to more. It doesn’t stop. The only way for me to recover is to not place another bet.

Thanks everyone. have a great gamble free day.

[p]

Wow i am impressed, you are really moving forward and i am so happy you have that support in GA, i would be lost without it too i am so grateful to have it.
You are doing really really well.. keep on going and when things get tough, reach out straight away.. good on you and hope to see you in chat again soon

P

[I_Maverick]

Just taken a load of stuff to the office. My working life packed into boxes, the furnitire my brother made for me all taken down. EVerything I have done for 6 years. I am in the office now getting ready the next trip. I am so down about this, so much shame and sorrow. I know this is a truning point in my life, but it doesn’t make it any easier. The hurt I have caused my wife and son, my parents, my brother. The pain I have caused myself all because I couldn’t stop gambling and sort myself out until evertything was gone. Until I broke it all. I don;t know how I did this. I look back and I can remember my head space – I just wanted ot gamble, then stop, then gamble, then stop. I found myself gambling in a trance, separated from myself. Just losing money, more self respect – not thinking about the future at all, lost in a daydream of destruction. I know I am not the only one, but I am shocked at how low this brought me. How I couldn’t see this when I first realised I had a problem. What did I get out of gambling, what need did it fulfil. I hope to find out on the course. GMA is only 3 months, not long that will pass so quickly, so I need to get myself healthy.

I am going to quit smoking and start exercising, get my mind AND body healthy. Start to make plans, dream for the future but not make the same mistakes. No more hiding behind addictions and substances. I resolve to not drink again (haven’t since Jan) and sort myself out one day at a time.

My name is Maverick and I am a Compuslive Gambler. When I start I cannot stop.

[Anonymous]

Hi Mav.. Sorry my battery went last night and by the time I got sorted u had logged out.
I am so pleased to read the new positivity in your posts. You are doing so well staying gamble free.
You sound like a new man.

Yes you have made mistakes .. We all have .., but keep looking forward… The past is gone …you can build whatever future you choose

[I_Maverick]

Not thought about gambling at all. Went to GA last night, saw old friends. Spoke with many people. Today ahs been a tough day moodwise – still full of regret and remorse, thinking about what I did and why i did it – how could I be so stupid. It’s not just the gambling, it’s the way I’ve been living my life, not doing things properly. Gambling took up so much of my headspace I didn’t pay my copmany bills when I could have, didn’t work on the project hard enough (even though the client is happy) and could have made more money by reinvesting the profits to make more money. So many missed opportunties. I am sure, though, if I sort my heda out and stay away from gambling life is bound to throw me more opportunities.

I still think about my doc: Recovery, One Day At A Time. I have a clearer idea about it now. It will feature testimonials from compulsive gamblers in various stages of recovery, talking about not just their gambling, what they did, what it made them do and who they became while gambling, but who they are now, what their path is, where they are trying to go. I want the film to be positive and optimistic. I will also feature in it so I can tell my story – if I am making the film then I will be in recovery, but the film is not about me. But with the filmmaker being the same as the characters, that adds a certain weight that I like. I will also feature experts in compulsive gambling, talk about studies, explain what compsulsive gambling is so people understand it better. It really is not understood as well as say alcoholism or drug addiction. I want the film to lay bare the trauma that having a gambling addiction can bring. I read it every day here on the blogs, but I read about recovery as well.

I spoke to my sponsor today for some advice. He stopped gambling at the age I am now, after 20 years of gambling. When he finally stoped (and he has been gamble free for 9.5 years) he felt releif. It took 3 years of going to GA to finally stop. From owing 000s he now has a flat, car, hiw own succesful busness and life is good for him. He is now 52/3. He is loving life, still has his ups and down, but he has returned to a normal way of life, as the GA book says.

I know that one day at a time I can achieve this – I need to plan for the future, but not stress over it. I need to start thinking forwards, not back. It is had at the moment as I am in the middle of the train wreck, but hopefully this will make me stronger.

Onwards and upwards everyone.

I love you all, and I hope you can stay gamble free. For those of you still going through the lasping. relapsing period stick it out – it is worth it.

[gov3]

Great to see your post and great to see that you are doing well.
You seem to have found a new way of life for your self specially making the video I think that’s a amazing idea and will help many out there to understand this nasty habit .
Don’t worry about your wife she will eventually realise that you are doing your best for both of them .
I think ga is going to help you massively and I hope you will comeback being a gamble free man . It’s great that we have this opportunity a place that can help.
I am starting my counselling in three weeks time so I am well excited . Keep it up x

[p]

Well done on your gamble free time.. keep going, keep coming to chat and posting and keeping busy.. keep up your GA meetings.. its wonderful to see you doing this each day. Well done.. look forward to chatting again soon

P

[I_Maverick]

So didn’t sleep last night. Just full of panic, worry, guilt, self hatred, self loathing for what I have done to my life. It’s not just gambling, but how I live my life. I was recovery but don’t know what to do. This is not going to fix itself, I have to fix me. But how. I have thrown away everything that is goo din my life. Am I going to feel like this forever? Is it all lost? I honestly see no future for me today. Yesterday I felt ok, but today all is lost again – the severity of what I have done all too apparant.

I am close to thinking of ending my life – what is the point of going on? I know I won’t as I don’t have the guts. But I have screwed up my life so royally in so many ways, and so much of it is to do with what the gambling did to my mind.

yesterday while walking my sleeping son in the cot I started daydreaming about gambling, about hands played at poker, losses, bad beats etc etc. I caught myself after about 20 mins. Hadn’t noticed he was awake. Playing that stupid game has dominated my life for 3 years, turned me into a lazy, stupid person who cannot see what good he has in his life, or how good his life could be. I am big headed, egotistical, thinking I could have it all. I could, if I could control the gambling and not let it control me.

I am still addicted to gambling even though I haven’t placed a bet for 29 days. This is the longest I have ever been – pathetic isn’t it. How could something like gambling have such a profound affect on my mind.

I truly hate myself this morning, hate the fact I have no future, hate the fact that all I can do is live in the past. Paid the company debts, rebuilt the copmany, refocused it, did what I dreamt of it – instead I did the minimum work to deliver the project (which could have been so much more effecient if I had been more organised) and the found new clients, new staff, got advice etc.

I had my dream in my hands and I threw it away because I didn’t value it. I don’t value anything, least of all myself. After my first year of proper compulsive gambing I lost 20K which set me off into a depression. End of 2012 – U started GA but carrued on playing in secret – then getting caught, promising I would never do it again – then getting better at lying.

It all aught up with me until I lost it all – and I did it, no one else. I have no one to blame but myself. How can I forgive myself this?

I pray for recovery, I try to be grateful for what I have. My son, my health – but I have no future at the moment. Apart from going to GMA, on May 11, to sort this out. Maybe I will have a future if I put all my energy into that.

I love you all, and I love reading stories of recovery, so please keep posting.

[charlster2]

I thought I was reading an old post there for a minute!

You have an incredible future. I’ve never known anyone that works in your field. It’s an incredibly interesting field to work in and you’ll work in that field again. What’s to stop you?

I’m so pleased you’ll be on the GMA programme in a few days. hang in there, you’re so close to changing your life and obtaining the tools with which to carve out a great future for yourself and your family.

Focus on the 11th May and stay positive. It’s been a tough journey to get to this point, never lose sight of that. You deserve everything good that comes your way, so open up and let it all in.

Have a great day Mav,

Charlster.

[I_Maverick]

Charlster, today it feels like nothing has changed in 3 months. The only difference is I have’t placed a bet for 29 days – but the ramifications of the gambling are all around me. I don’t know how I will cope. I have no income and I have just gone into my overdraft for the first time in 12 months – at the start of this year I had savings. Now I have nothing, not even a way of earning money. As much as I want to do GMA, I feat it will bankrupt me as I have debts going out which I cannot service and I am seriously worried.

Today we are seing the accountants whom I owe 3K too to discuss the company. I just don’t know how it led here – actually I do. I didn’t stop gambling, and so my focus was not on my family/ myself/ business but just on finding ways o gamble without getting caught. So pathetic.

Glad things are going well for you – the potnetial of a job when you get out is awesome. Is that from the interview you did? Well done mate.

take care

[charlster2]

Hi Mav,

In a few days time, you’ll be able to concentrate solely on getting better. You won’t have all the complications you feel you have right now.

Interesting you say that nothing has changed in 3 months, well nothing will change if you don’t go to GMA. I hope you’re not loosely implying that you may pull out? Staying gambling free for 29 days is an achievement, isn’t it?

Please focus on GMA, tie up loose ends and then throw yourself into therapy. Only you can make that decision, but I urge you to not find any excuses to not go.

Charlster.

[I_Maverick]

I have to go to GMA Charlster. There is no doubt about that. My wife wants me out of the house, and to be honest I thought I would be feeling stronger after 29 days but today it is awful. But it is more than the gambling, it is the last 20 years or so of my life, which is not all gambling. gambling is just my latest destructive addiction. I have explained before how I have been addicted to many things in the past. These numb my emotions, numb my feelings – so I don’t have to be me. But emotionally this is the worst – I never lost my business through other addictions, and when I came out of them I was ok. This though has wrecked my self esteem more than anything.

I just know I had the chance last year to make the biggest positive difference in my life if I had stuck to my plans. But I got lazy, and so the difference is negative. People say I can start another business – of course I can. But I have had this one for 14 years, it has been me. By breaking this business I have broken a serious part of myself. But the truth is I was negligent – businesses don’t run themselves. They need to be cared for, nourished, loved. The same is true of people, ourselves. I haven’t done any loving of myself in such a long time, all I have done is punished myself. And here I am, doing it again.

No, I will go to GMA. APart from learning ways to stay away from gambling I intend to learn about myself. I will be in a safe environment, I need to take care of myself again (I have become co-dependent on my wife to a scary degree) and I need to be free from gambling so I can live the rest of my life.

I realised I have gambled on and off all my life, I have always love dit. So no wonder when I found online gambling I became hooked immediately. Oh what I would give to go back 4.5 years and never open an online account.

Take care and have a great day

[charlster2]

Well that’s a relief Mav.

GMA will be so good in so many ways. You’ll get the much needed help you need, your family will get a much needed break too. You’ve gone through hell, but so have they. Three months down the line things should seem so much better. Despair should turn to hope, your family would have had a breather and that will do all parties the World of good, there’s so many positives Mav. I know it’s incredibly hard to see them from the inside, but I’m on the outside looking in and I can see them, so trust me.

It must be a wrench leaving your family for 14 weeks on top of other things that are playing on your mind, but it’s the best thing that could happen from my point of view. I can only see a win win from where I’m standing.

Try and keep it together and be strong for yourself and for your family. Try and make sure that the last image that you leave your wife with of you, is one of a strong man, positive about the future and intent on changing things. It wont be easy, but it will give them hope and they’ll have 14 weeks to regroup, reflect and hopefully accept you back into their arms.

Think positive as the negative thoughts are counter-productive and may never happen.

Take care,

Charlster.

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Charlster. I am trying, I really am. But the sick feelings I have just won’t go away. I am finding it so hard to let go of my stupidity. I know this is something that many people on this site feel/ have felt. I just don’t understand why I have done this. Looking back there really was no other solution – I’ve been a mental and physical wreck for 3 years, ever since starting to play online. But why couldn’t I see it, how was I so blind? Why couldn’t I have been in this position last year, before we started the big project. How could I have not put blockers on years ago as I did want to stop, but I kept finding ways to play. And by god when I played I LOVED it, even this year. The rush etc. But the consequences are so great, so final.

[charlster2]

Following your story and your posts, you remind me of how I felt in 2010. No matter what people said to me, my focus was on the past, not the present or the future. I wont go into detail, but 2010 was a desperate year for me, even by my standards!

The difference between you and me is that you are seeking professional help and I tried to tough it out on my own. Me trying to tough it out has left me in an even worse position 5 years on. The cycle will never be broken unless we seek and accept outside help, that is a fact.

You can’t see it now, but there is hope for the future because you have sought that help. You also wont realise it now, but by seeking this help, you may be saving years and years of suffering and heartache, probably decades.

Make the most of today, think positively, there’s so much hope, believe me.

Charlster.

[gov3]

Hopefully soon you will feel lot better , I can imagine what you are going through I been paying of my debt every moth and keep telling my self had I not gambled I would of been spending this money instead off paying debts created by gambling .
If you need someone to work for your new company if you wish to restart it again let me know 🙂 .
Look forward to see you more recovered after your ga good luck x

[I_Maverick]

Thank you for the posts. I have just got back from A&E with my wife and son. My little boy can’t walk on on eo fhis legs and has started crawling everywhere. So we went to A&E with him. He had jis first x-ray. Nothin broken. The doctor thinks he has sprained his ankle, nothing more. Reminded me of what life is really all about. The addiction has made me so derelict in my fathering duties to the point where my wife has had enough.

In all the time gambling I have never been made to feel to low. I think it’s because I only lost money before, not everything I hold dear. Now I want to go back in time and made different decisions but I can’t. None of us can. We can only go forward with time’s arrow. Make me feel even more foolish, but I cannot allow this addiction to wreck any more of my life. As long as I continue to gamble everything else stops. The act of gambling takes over my brain. I can only assume that these feelings are the addiction crying out to be fed.

Now I feel stronger, I feel as if it was wrong to close the office and go to rehab. That feels like a cop out. I have gone 29 days without a bet. I can go longer – I need to fix my business. BUt the truth is the office has closed down and the company is insolvenet. I have to face that fact. I also have to face the fact that I am very depressed, my moods swing about and I need more tools to ake sure I never start gambling again. It is such a waste of time and yet… and yet… I know I would love to gamble, but I would never be able to stop. I must live without it.

I hope that this is the right decision, to go to GMA. I know I cannot ever face going through what I ave just been through again and hopefully this will be the making of me.

Love to all

[I_Maverick]

Still no gambling, Day 29. But over the last week I have been reserahcing the 2 poker sites I used to use. I kept a record of all the bad beats I had where I would go all in against somewhere where I had them massively dominated and they would suck me out with miracle cards over and over again. Turns out there is a lot of noise on the internet about how these sites rig the acrds for action, giving lots of people in the hand great hands to ramp up the rake. eg, AA, KK, QQ or multiple straights/ flushes. I found myself going back over my old losing hands and found so many insane hands that were simply designed to lose me money. Where I have 88 and flop and 8 but am going up against someone with 999 etc etc.

I am sure it is mot a good idea for me to look at them, but along with being addicted to the damn game (so much time spent, so much time lost, so much money and energy lost) it was a game that was rigged against me. Sure I had the odd win, but if I started playing too well then the cards turned against me. Good example I have AA and raise, someone goes all in and I call they turn over 34 and the flop comes A25. Or I have AA go all in someone calls and they have Q9 and 999QQ comes up. So what a fool I was. I was addcited to a gambling game that was rigged against me.

I am not going to look at those hands any more or do any more resrarch. I need to forget about gambling completely and move on. But I still feel I have made a huge mistake by closing my office down (we had a great deal on the rent, granted it was too big for just me and I was lonely in there and it was a mess) and going to GMA. I know I can never win at gambling, because if I do I will never keep the winnings. It also affects me emotionally on so many levels. The thought of ever gambling again sickens me. But I have done NOTHING since stopping gambling except being depressed and unable to function. Utterly unable to function. I am not a living human being at the moment. My thoughts are all focused on teh past, I am tired, I am not eating or sleeping, I hate myself – I am a broken record. I really need help, so what a fool I would be NOT to go to GMA. I clearly need help. Gambling is just one of my issues, but it is the issue which has come to dominate my life, thinking etc.

Are there any people out there in good recovery who have been thrugh this, their first 30 days or so where they couldn’t function – or am I just a loser. I really need strength to change my way of thinking. How can I do this, how can I change my mental attitude? It seems without gambling and secrets I am not who I was – it seems I need to radically change my way of thinking and being.

My life is dead. Long live my life.

[gov3]

Maybe it’s not good idea to go back to the past these casinos no matter what game you play is fixed other wise how would they make their money .
We are playing a game with our own money it’s hard to except this that we paid someone just to play a game .
I read allot of reviews lately about casinos and trust me none of them are running legally they all fixing games .
Because some are abroad they are hard to be regulated and the fast that uk government has no care what so ever .

You need to take everything baby steps in order to recover .

[charlster2]

I’ve managed to make a right mess of my life so far and I’m 52, why should I suddenly think that I can live the rest of my life differently than the previous 52 years without getting outside help? If I go it alone, why will my next 20 years be different to the previous 52? Fact is, they wont be. I’ve proved over and over again that I haven’t got the tools to fly solo at the moment. GMA could be the saving of me.

What have you got to lose by going to GMA?

If you read all of your posts back Mav, they are full of everything that you have lost. The content is all about loss. The way I see it, you have a chance here to do something with no risk at all. Going to GMA seems to be filling you with apprehension and an element of dread, but it seems the one thing in your life right now that is actually risk free. If you don’t go, you risk losing so much, if you do go, you risk losing nothing, but could gain everything.

I’ve been told it’s natural to feel like you are before committing to therapy, but if you step back and assess things, it’s the one thing in your life right now that makes sense.

People are willing to help you change your mental attitude and your thinking and the way you live your life. This is a priceless opportunity that has to be grasped with both hands and both feet. Try and stay positive mate, you’re nearly there.

Going over and over the same negative thoughts mean you either stagnate or regress. It’s time to try and move forward. By the way, your life is very much alive, you’re 42 with a young family.

Try and enjoy the Bank Holiday weekend and try to stop regurgitating the same damaging thoughts. The futures bright, brighter than you think right now.

Charlster.

[p]

You are not alone in what you are going through.. it took me a long time after my last relapse to function in life at all.. it took me months and months and believe me it was mental hell but it gets better. The longer you are away from gambling the clearer your life will become but sometimes it actually gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better. The addiction has our heads alight with our pathways in our brain all lit up and excited from gambling, it takes a while for those things to settle down.. at first my head was scrambled so badly, i couldnt think or focus or figure much of anything out, i lost motivations but after a while things settle and the simple things in life start becoming good.. stick to GA get to those meetings, dont go watching any gambling of any sort.. it can just keep those little pathways alight.. you are creating new habits slowly, by going to GMA will be the best thing you could do for you. Dont hesitate on that one it is the single best choice for you right now. Just do it and then see what life brings after. Give yourself the chance to recover. It is the perfect place for you and i think it will be so beneficial. The other things will be sorted out in time. For now you need to sort out you, go to GMA, and just be a sponge and absorb that recovery when you are in there and give yourself a break.. please dont go near gambling places Mav, it triggers the desire to to go, ive heard and experienced many times people watching, but not playing and very soon they end up playing again. Stay safe, you are a good person, you just have an addiction you are working on… good on you for your progress so far it is fantastic.. you may think nothing has changed, but it is changing slowly slowly.. grab your recovery with both hands Mav, this is your chance.

P

[I_Maverick]

Just a quickie. Watching Kingsman online and almost at the end of the movies. Colin Firth quotes Ernest Hemingway:

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”

If that does not sum up recovery, I don’t know what does. Thanks Ernie.

[I_Maverick]

Feeling inspired. Watched a very entertaining movie, realise that I am where I am supposed to be. That’s all I know. I am where I am. Time to grow up and accept that, warts and all. This is my journey, dammit – why am I so scared of my own journey. Why should it have been any different? It is what it is, just like all our journeys are.

Thank you everyone who reads and posts on my blog, it means a lot, really it does. Knowing that there are strangers out there who understand and care is amazing to know. There is so much knowledge. I am hoping that my posts will get more positive from now on, I have crossed a new personal benchmark. I think this might be the first time in almost 10 years I have gone 30 days without a gamble of any kind. No lottery tickets, scratch cards, poker games online or off, now fruit machines. ANything. I actually realised today I have always been a compuslive gambler, it just didn’t chance to take over until I found online poker. I am a long way from understanding addiction, but I realise I am an addict to whatever. Right now it’s still cigarettes. I can live with that for now. ALthough I do want to give them up as well at some point soon.

I am feeling stronger now, a bit more together. Time to get ready to rumble.

Have a wonderful morning

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Feeling inspired. Watched a very entertaining movie, realise that I am where I am supposed to be. That’s all I know. I am where I am. Time to grow up and accept that, warts and all. This is my journey, dammit – why am I so scared of my own journey. Why should it have been any different? It is what it is, just like all our journeys are.

Thank you everyone who reads and posts on my blog, it means a lot, really it does. Knowing that there are strangers out there who understand and care is amazing to know. There is so much knowledge. I am hoping that my posts will get more positive from now on, I have crossed a new personal benchmark. I think this might be the first time in almost 10 years I have gone 30 days without a gamble of any kind. No lottery tickets, scratch cards, poker games online or off, now fruit machines. ANything. I actually realised today I have always been a compuslive gambler, it just didn’t chance to take over until I found online poker. I am a long way from understanding addiction, but I realise I am an addict to whatever. Right now it’s still cigarettes. I can live with that for now. ALthough I do want to give them up as well at some point soon.

I am feeling stronger now, a bit more together. Time to get ready to rumble.

Have a wonderful morning

Mav

[charlster2]

How are you feeling this morning? You sounded a bit more chipper in your last post, but I know all too well how mood swings change in a heartbeat.

Hope you have a good day

Charlster

[I_Maverick]

Hi Charles,

Thanks for asking. Mornings are the hardest, where I have to face the facts. I am usually fine late at night, but in the mornings my head is full of negative thoughts but this morning I started challenging them and trying to turn them around.

My life right now is a hole. Gambling coupled with depression coupled with lack of planning, laziness, ego, big-headedness have all combined to create a person who is a long way from their best.

I find it depressing just how I have lived my life, full of fear and. I feel I have achieved very little, and the truth is I haven’t becuase I have held myself back by never fully believing in who I am. I have always convinced myself I am no good, even when trying to achieve things. This is a deadly combination.

I see you just posted, so if you want to chat in one of the open chat rooms.

How are you feeling? You have achieved a lot in the last week, I really respect that.

Have a great gamble free day.

Mav

[maverick.]

Mav,

Just wanted to drop in and send you my best, I know how hard it can be my friend, when gambling our lives are like roller coasters…..so many ups and downs but the downs far outweigh the ups and in truth we always end up at the bottom of massive hole we have dug ourselves, I promise you (and I am sure you already know) our lives become so much better everyday we choose not to gamble, I know it is hard but try not to think about the past to much, we cannot change what we have done and all that truly maters is “just for today”, so “just for today” I hope you have a great gamble free day and as you well know you can only ever take life “one day at a time”

I wish you all the very best in your recovery and also life, stay strong, keep fighting and never give in………things do get better.

Lee (aka the original Maverick)

[Anonymous]

Hi Mav, sorry to read you are feeling regretful today . We didn’t ask for this addiction.. But that doesn’t make it any easier.
You are doing absolutely brilliantly staying gamble free.
It is so difficult but you are proving to yourself that you can do it.
I think Sundays give us too much time to reflect … Perhaps we are better being busy and not thinking so much..

Hope your day gets better and rem … U are good !!!

[I_Maverick]

So I am lost again. Thoughts running through my head. I don’t want to go to GMA, I don’t want to leave my life here. My gamling isn’t that bad, I want to save my company. I want to save my marriage. Why have I been so fucked up mentally all year, why have I been so lazy and not got the stuff done that needs to be don, why have I left it all so late?

I was going through my company bank accounts and at the start of the year I could have solved everything. Why am I deliberately sabotaging myself. WHy can’t I just live my life? I feel so alone. WHy have I let my copmany and my life just wither and die? Why does my wife hate me so much? Why can’t I have the strength I need to make the right decisions.

I have proved that I can go without gambling, but I am not functioning. WHy is that? Why did I apply for GMA when I am not as bad as some people? I know my gambling became a problem, but I have shown with the right blockers in place I can stop gambloing – but I have not recovered from the knowledge of what I have done. Or have I exxaderated in my mind? I know I have been self harming a few weeks ago in frustration and self hatred, but do I have to rn away from my life?

I am in such a state at the moment I do not think there is anyone who can help me make the right decision. I really don’t now what to do. I am quite suicidal at the moment.

Since my wife found out about my gambling the wheels have really come off my train. But do I have to run away?

The truth is since I ave been stopping gambling all my energy has been focused on that instead of focusing on turning my life around? Why am I so pathetic? I think JD was right, gambling is a small part of my problem. My problem is deeper and lies in the essential understanding of who I am. I have not had a bad life and yet I have created a hirrible life for myself. I grew up in a good family, but I have no self confidence, and for some reason I hate myself so I have created the life I have created.

Sbyil wrote amazing things on her blog about bio-feedback. For some reason I am feeling that I have exxacerbated my situation – I am so not in control of my emotions and feelings I am confused and scared. I am terrified of what I have done to my life, my wife;s life. I feel I have run away and thrown everything away.

I feel that closing the company is the wrong thing to doi, I just want to try and work my way out of it. But if I could do that, wouldn’t I hae done that? 33 days ago I lapsed and 18 days before that I lapsed. But I have done NOTHING useful or positive in the times in between except feel sorry for myself? Is that my depression, or who I am? Why haven’t I been able to break through? WHat is wrong with me?

My entire body is shaking right row, I am on the verge of tears and I have very begative feelinsg running through my mind. I want to gamble to make all of this go away – I know if I can gamble these thoughts will go – at least for a while. But that is the addiction talking. The addiction is what has made me feel this way. What do I do?

I am committed now to GMA, people have made arrangements, we have moved our stuff out of the office and into storage. But while I am at GMA I will not be able to work on my company, it is fester? It needs attention.

Has anyone out there been through what I am going through?

EMotionally I am a wreck, and all I can do is look back and see how lazy I have been, was that the gambling? WHy could I not stick to my plans? But I had problems before the gambling?

My life is such a mess, I am really scared. I am like a little boy, scared, lonely, at a loss. Can GMA help me with thiongs beyond the gambling?

WHy didn’t I stop the gambling when I had work on to focus on, why did I spend more and more time gamblong when I should have been working. I could have avoided all of this?

Sorry for the weird post, but my head is all messed up again.

I am scared.

[Anonymous]

Hate when this happens … My Internet went for a moment and lost a long post . No time to rewrite before work.

Mav you are doing ok.
The time out will do you good .
In a marriage their is rarely a perfect partner .. Although our addiction would let us believe everything which has gone wrong is out fault . Ask yourself what do you get form the marriage ? The business? Are they still fulfilling your needs .. Try putting yourself first Mav… It seems like you worry about everyone else all the time.

I think GMA will be great for you. You deserve time out from all the stress.

You are a good person. Dont let anyone take that from u

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Happy. I have noticed my moods are swinging massively, and I am truly hateful of myself. I have ruined my life so much – I don’t want to sound like I am whining or moaning, but I am truly in pieces. I have never ever in all my life felt like this. I am living in a nightmare of which there is no escape. It seems that stopping gambling has made my mind worse in terms of the mood swings. I have gotten so little done since Jan of this year and time is just flying by. I go to GMA next week and I have still so much to sort out here. I cannot relax, my thoughts keep going back to last year when I had the world at my feet if I had seen it. If I had stopped gambling. If I had looked for recovery when I had the chance. God gave me the chance on Jan 27th of 2014. If I had gone back to GA and said there and the “that’s it, no more gambling. Quit forever” I would not be here now.

But I know I cannot change the past, but my mind is so fucked up right now. I don’t know what the future holds. I read so many sad stroies on here of people whose gambling has led them into dark places, and I am in a dark place too. How did that happen, how did I let it happen.

I wish everyone a good gamble free day. Day 33 today.

[velvet]

Hi Maverick
With so many whys it is clear, to me, why you applied to GMA.
There is an escape from the nightmare or you would not be getting the encouragement that you are.
Velvet

[angie73]

None of us know what the future holds, but when we are feeling depressed or overwhelmed or anxious we are tricked by our thoughts, our little voices we talk to ourselves with can be meaner and nastier than anyone could ever be. but we can challenge those voices. We can have a future, wecan make a change we can find success / love / happiness. there are no limits to what we can do, we need to be kind to ourselves first.As hard as it is to see at times you have a future Mav, it will have challenges, wont be easy, but it will be worth the fight.

[Anonymous]

Mav God hasn’t turned his back on u.. He will give u more chances !! Maybe u dont need financial success to make u happy .. Maybe that is what God is showing u ..

Give GMA a chance … see what happens … Maybe u cud make a documentary about ur experience

[I_Maverick]

Why am I not getting better in my mind. This is the longest I have been off gambling for a long time, but my mind is getting worse. My depression is deepening. My regrets growing. I KNOW there is nothing I can do about the past but it frustrates me of how I could be so blind as to where my gambling would lead. There was enough profit in the contract we did last year to pay off the company debts, make monica redundant, and pay for some advice to help build the company as we delivered the project. Instead, my gambling ramped up to a more intense level than ever before, where I would literally spend all day in the office playing poker. I would not do ANY work at all. I couldn’t. And when I forced my self to stop playing my head was spinning, I hated myself, and the only way those feelings went away was when I played again – and lost more money, and more time, and more self respect. I am fooling myself if I say I do not need Gordon Moody Associated. I have a very serious gambling addiction that got worse and worse and worse. It was bad in 2012, got worse in 2013 and then exploded in 2014. This year, when I seriously tried to quit, I have had 4 relapses since Feb 16th – which nearly cost me 15K, but didn’t in the end. But the intensity of playing with 1K per hand on BlackJack seriously messed with me. I remember at the end of Feb I was 2K up but couldn’t stop. I remember saying to myself “stop now before you lose it all, prove you’re not a CG”. But I couldn’t.

And all the while I was sinking further and further into depression, missing work opportunities to pitch on new work, not paying the copmany debts, sliding more and more into the deepest depression of my life.

Right now I am in a cafe waiting to go to my meeting with my accountant. That would be a trigger for me to gamble. I have my laptop, and usually I would get a few hands in before and after meetings. On the way I would be so excited my skin would itch, my head just thinking about gambling.

I believe I have a serious gambling addiction as I still think back to all the gambling days. What I have lost. Gambling is the only thing I think about and talk about. My whole thinking is totally skewed. And at the same time I have to prep for GMA, close my business, deal with HMRC, deal with my debts, got no money, no job, no future. Christ, I have really —-ed this up.

I read some of the stories here and they break my heart. This really is an insidious addiction, it takes no prisoners, makes us all horrible, nasty people. It robs us of who we are. I think this is the worst addiction I have ever had – I never gave it its dues before.

When I first went to GA I didn’t believe I had a problem. I had been CGing for 2 months. I thought I could handle it. This has won. I never want to gamble again.

I did find an online game site a few days ago and found myself playing poker just for points against oppoenents. It got my blood going again and so I stopped. I thought it might be like methadone, but no. It just made me want to gamble. What the —- is this about, why can’t I just forget about it. I need to focus on what I have to do – and yet, I am full of guilt, remorse, shame. Does anyone here know how to deal with these emotions? Do I just accept everything? I am starting to suspect that acceptance is the key.

I am a compuslive gambler
I have broken my marriage
I have broken my own spirit
I have put my career back years
I need to get better
I can never gamble again

I will be in GA in 1 week
I need to do – 6 months VAT returns
Finish cleaning office
Clean house and spare room for Monica
Get details of all my debts

In 2 months I will hopefully be in GMA
In 3 months I will hopefully be finishing GMA
In 4 months I will be out. Where will I live, where will I work, what will I do? Will my company be waiting for me? Will anyone employ me? Will I be in a better state of mind and able to deal with the shit I will have to deal with?

take care everyone, I wish you all a wonderful day. I am sorry for the negative post but I need to get it off my chest. I realise if I do not write here what I am thinking it gets lost in my head. This way I get it down on paper.

Love you all

[charlster2]

Hi Mav,

Just checking in to see how you are. I know you have a lot on your plate, but if you can find the time to post a couple of lines to let me know things are that would be great.

Take care mate,

Charlster.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Charlster

Thanks for writing. It has been a pretty intense 3 days since my last post as I struggle to get everything done. There is still so much crap up in the air, not least the amount of money my company owes to HMRC not through gambling as such, but because I did not run the business. I realise that I used gambling as a way to escape responsability – but the more I gambled the more things got left behind. When I look back I am appalled at who I became. I used to be fairly organised, energetic, with believe and faith. For the last 3 years I have steadily got worse, lazier.

I have got a lot of stuff done – I need to go out again now and see someone who may have work for me when I come out.

I will post a nice long post and reply top some of the amazing stories I have read here.

Thanks everyone.

Mav

[Anonymous]

Hi Mav, I hope you are doing ok. You have a lot on your plate but just remember life always gets better.
GMA will give you much needed time out . There is nothing in the last with your business which you cannot have again in the future. Businesses can be built up . They to see your time in GMA as that line in the sand.. The one you draw to put gambling behind you forever.
This disease plays havoc with our minds . A slip makes us feel like such failures. It completely upsets the balance of our Brains

We need to move on somehow Mav to a place where gambling is before, and not impacting on the now .

Sending you the very warmest wishes.

[charlster2]

Tomorrow is your scheduled first day at the GMA therapy isn’t it?

Just wanted to wish you all the best.

Charlster.

[I_Maverick]

Dear all,

I am back at my parents waiting for my brother to collect me. I drove up from London last night. I have now moved out of my house and have my bags packed and ready for GMA. I will be offline now for at least 2 weeks.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone on the forum here who has been with me I hope I have been a good community member. Knowing there are people out there who understand what this addiction does to your mind has helped me enourmously.

Charlster, Happy, P, Vera, Fritz, Seri, Slotjunkie, Harry, Charles, Janey, Velvet, Adam, Monique, Jansdad, JohnNobody, Geordie, Maverick and everyone else I may have forgotten.

I am off to Dudley leaving here at 6:30. I cannot sleep. I will miss my son and working, but I need to get better.

I had a farewell soft drink with my oldest friends on Weds, who know me better than anyone. First time I told them I had never quit gambling (I even lied to them) but they understood. They know me well and wishes me all the best. One of them is a senior exec in a global newsagency and he said there would be work for me as a producer when I come out so there is a silver lining.

This journey has entered a new phase for me now, and the advice and support I have received here has ben amazing.

I would love to keep writing, but I wish everyone a great recovery journey, and as soon as I can post an update I will.

All my love, regards and prayers to you all

Mav

[Anonymous]

Good luck Mav. You deserve this . You have a great future ahead of you . No looking back – only forward !!!
Look forward to reading an update from you.
Be kind to yourself !

[charlster2]

It’s been quite a haul getting to this point, but you’ve done brilliantly getting to GMA, I know it wasn’t easy.

It may be months before we’re able to chat again, but I look forward to sharing experiences with you on the other side of therapy.

A bright happy future starts for you today and you’ll really deserve everything good that comes your way from here on in.

Take care,

Charlster.

[JohnNobody]

I sense a new beginning for you my friend … Amazing how you have decided to take control! You are going to come through this I feel it and know it! A belated all the best for GMA …

Jn.

[charles]

GMA will give you a lot of tools as you move forward Mav. great news about the job. An instant benefit of being honest with your friends. 🙂

[charles]

GMA will give you a lot of tools as you move forward Mav. great news about the job. An instant benefit of being honest with your friends. 🙂

[Author]

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