Hi DE,
I have been following your struggle. And i feel your pain, your agony & frustration. Your story reminds me of Murr‘s, unfolding before my eyes. I wish I have the answer but allow me to share with you my thoughts per my observation as an outside observer.
Firstly, you are obviously a clever, rational person. You know how to inform yourself and able to articulate the reasons behind your illness & why you have relapsed. You can provide sound pieces of advice to others in the forum and that’s commendable. What i have just noticed is, you always have a ready reason or explanation for everything. Perhaps what you need is to just completely surrender & accept that you are powerless against this illness. No more rationalizing. Simply accept that you are helpless and the only option is to stop with the help of strategy you have slowly built on to date. In so doing, you don’t get empowered by the comfort of being able to explain why you have relapsed for the nth time. You can devote your energy to other things, the important things in life which you think you have missed. Perhaps you should revive your social life as connecting with others work wonders to our mental health. And who knows you meet someone special in the process. I say go out there without expectations. Or maybe save for a trip. OR support someone’s education in your village or within your family. When I started doing these especially the last one, I have come to appreciate the value of money again and this has strengthened my resolve to never waste a penny or two in gambling.
DE having been there, i feel your pain & the feeling of hopelessness especially at the moment as you are fresh from it. Go out & breathe & be grateful for the chance to restart (as not everybody has this chance). I am rooting for you from the other side of the world.
Jim