I was gamble free yesterday. It was suppose to be a normal day that I could have easily allow myself to relapse.
I wanted to sleep but I could not sleep. I went 24 hours without sleep on this day. My beautiful day turn ugly suddenly.
I could not describe that sick and stressful feeling inside my body. I cannot describe what hits me. I was feeling terrible. Maybe it was the fatigue and exhaustion from no rest, maybe it was the weather that has change to wet and rainy lately, this could have triggered my eczema to relapse. Maybe it was my off day and free time.
Instead of asking myself why I relapse today? I was asking myself; I did not know how I manage to stay gamble free on this difficult day.
I had the impulsive thought and was very close to acting out. I have look at the harmful consequences of acting out but I did not care anymore. I just want my pain, suffering and hardship at the moment to go away.
If I have gone to the atm machine to withdraw the money. If I have gone to the live betting house. Today was an off day, I had the time that I would not normally have on other days. I would surely relapse. I did not go near these dangerous places.
My barriers has offer me resistance and slow me down in acting out. I need to withdraw money that I have put away.
I have been practicing but this habit is still not very strong, I need to put in more effort to be patient and tolerance on this tough day. I was mindful that I will fall asleep eventually, it just take a longer time.
I was very mindful that I would not enjoy the acting out, it just help made my pain go away temporary. I will normally feel that it was a waste of time and money after acting out in the long term.
As a result of practicing, keeping myself safe today and staying away from danger today in the journal, I was very mindful not to go near danger.
I can remember rising phoenix posting sticking to the plan all the way to the end. I can understand what that means.
I prayed to my God, I ask for help, I honestly tell God that my thought has change; I have tolerated and endure gambling today; I wanted to compromise and give up my recovery with gambling today; I was wrong and I need to repent today, I need to make a U turn. I need to follow God, and change my way and direction but I did not want to do that, I only want the pain to go away today. I ask for forgiveness and mercy.
I tried to sleep again. This time I manage to sleep for 6 hours. I was still not well after I wake up. I sleep again for another 5 hours. This time I woke up feeling fully recharged, that pain and terrible feeling has disappear. I have regained my strength and the energy to stay gamble free for one more day. I did not relapse today. Everything returns to normal.
I do not envy anyone doing this. On some day, it is so tough and hard.
I only need to keep myself safe today.
I only need to stay away from danger today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.