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Hi twighlight

Thank you ver y much for taking the time to write to me. I am sobbing reading this. Luckily my daughter is oblivious eating dinner after a day at nursery and afterwards in the park!!

I have read so many of your posts and threads. Velvet has helped me so much on this site. I missed her forum this week I was out but her support has been amazing. She commented that she hoped you would see my thread so I am so grateful.

I have had an awful few days. I hate myself this week I’m not sure how to describe it but its like I kid myself the addiction doesn’t exist then somehow respond to situations that show it does. Leaving me exhausted.

You hit the nail on the head. Im spending my life hoping this will change when i cannot change it. I know all of this. But why then am i still trying to control him and his addiction?. I really don’t know why after almost 10 years of being aware of it. It makes me unhappy. I am aware I’m stuck in a cycle. I make good steps forward to break the cycle. I was doing well. And then ruin it all. Arguments and confrontations where I’m left feeling I’m unreasonable and to blame. I think I was being unreasonable to be honest but when i recognise and try to put things right im shut out leaving me devastated.

My ex has moved on. I don’t want to go into detail but I read some of his emails as he was still signed on my laptop..I feel devasted and hurt and rejected but why what am I chasing. ? You are correct I have been heartbroken many times. He always runs back to gambling and his mother.

My daughter is happy. He asked to take her away for the weekend and I went literally faint.I do not trust him to look after her in case he just decides to go gambling and leave her but not only that be in a mood with her because of some thing ridiculous . Se might feel insecure. He has barely seen her for months but won’t acknowledge this. In his mind I create reasons why he can’t see her! I’m evil and unreasonable . I have done nothing but constantly encourage his contact . I think I have been suffering from anxiety as I never know what will happen.! I made some excuse about the weekend saying we were. busy .He is furious and now refusing to see her again. I am not saying I was innocent in this. I argued with him and responded to him but I realise my mistakes and feel awful.

I have been so tempted to try and contact him today. For what I wonder more misery. I won’t. A day at a time!

I’m so glad I’ve come back on the site today. I feel better. I can only move forward and keep trying not to let the addiction in.

Thank you so much for reading and your advice. I know this deep down. Its like i indulge my fantasy of a happy family!!I. I thought from your posts that you now see your father? You sound very strong. I need to get there!!

I have been so engulfed In him again and know it just destroys me so why?

I need to remember what I’m dealing with. It really is devious.

I hope you and your family are well. I’m an adult. I need to protect my daughter. Thank you!!