I thought id do a bit of reflection on my day today (day7)
I got to have a bit of a sleep in this morning…my husband doesnt have any work till Monday so he was home to help with the kids. Its a catch 22, i get a sleep in but then have to put up with him wandering around all day looking for something to do (it drives me mad)
Anyway, he did wash my car for me which was nice. At 12 i had to take my baby to kindergarten and i asked him to check the water and oil for me ( i can do it but why do it when he could???) So he checks the water and oil and puts the bonnet down and then proceeds to go beserk because there are scratches on the bonnet (brand new car last year) I assume the kids have done it, its been there for a while but im not too worried…its a car RIGHT????
So after his little tantrum i am WILD. I take H to kindergarten and i have to go to the city to get some grog and munchies for my daughters party on Saturday night. So as im driving in i hear the little voice in my head. I start saying aloud ‘trigger, trigger, trigger’ . The anger was bringing on the urge. All i kept thinking was…im excluded, i cant go, they will throw me out. I didnt go, i went and got what i needed and came home.
I made a big discovery today, not only was anger my trigger, but i realised i gambled to spite my husband. The old ‘look what i can do to hurt you’, ‘im spending all our money’. How ridiculous…. i know what the outcome is going to be. He’s not going to feel sick about it cause he wont know…im the one nearly throwing up, trying to work out how we are going to get through the week with no money! Thank god i self excluded, the angel on my shoulder is louder than the devil on the other one.
I dont ever want to have the embaressment of being kicked out. I dont ever want to have that sick feeling in my stomach again, knowing we are broke. Anyway, i passed the first test. I know theyll be more but it was good pulling up in my driveway knowing we still had money.Fighting the good fight…One day at a time