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Life I guess, sometimes the ups and downs feel too much.
Today is a better day, went to meet with my new counsellor such a difference to the last one, this one speaks and seemed to have a technique of digging that at times during the session I was not comfortable with, and she seemed interested and not bored stupid like it was a job just another recovering gambler, or trying to live in recovery, wanted to live without gambling,same old story have heard thousand times before. Yes, we may all have similar tales of destruction but each one of us are unique so are our past experiences.
Travelling back home I was in a kind of daze running over the things we had discussed, tired too.
One thing I was asked was would I like to be in a position of being able to gamble, to control it that I found funny as I know that is pretty impossible for me for when I start I can not stop and nothing will ever be any different from that for me. I think it must be very difficult for a non CG to understand that once started the ball will not stop, it’s an inevitable cycle of destruction.
So my answer was definitely not, I want to live life of permanence, I could not contemplate for one moment a bet now and then, what’s the point in that?
Why would you want to risk everything you have in recovery for that? A question I have in the past asked myself many times before, gave up with the question as the whole addiction has no logic.
I am not gambling with my money I am gambling with my life, today I will not gamble.