[CornishLass]

I just carry on until the pot is empty. Then I get scared, I feel disgusted with myself, I lie, life seems impossible and so very tiring. A little time passes, some money is in the pot again and the cycle starts once more. Seriously, it’s exhausting.

I’m scared and I don’t trust myself.

There is a part of me thinking about gambling at all times. How soon, how much, how to justify it. There is also another part of me screaming to stop. It’s odd, sort of some duel personality or evil twin ( or sensible twin) or something. Whatever it’s very loud and busy in my head. I shake alot. When I’m gambling sometimes the shakes are so bad that it’s difficult to keep pressing the play button, other times I think that my heart will just stop and then I realise that I’m holding my breath and just need to breath. Breathing seems secondary to pressing the play button. Everything is secondary.

Right now I’m trying to figure out how to forget. I don’t know why because in a little while I’ll just do it all again and then again try to figure out how to forget. Sometimes I try to accept rather than forget, sometimes I try to forgive, sometimes I just drink, sometimes I work like an insane person, sometimes I involve my husband and we work out tactics to fix me or at least limit the damage. None of these things seem to make any difference. It all just endlessly repeats.

This is me saying goodbye to my past. I hope I can recover a future. Am fourteen hours bet free. Hello to anyone reading.

[velvet]

Hello Cornish Lass and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Cornish Lass
When everything you have tried hasn’t worked, it is time to try something different.
This forum will hold your journal – it is a place to come and look and see your progress, a place where others will cheer you on, a place where you are understood, a place where you can be honest.
Use your past for reference only, you can’t change yesterday but you can control what you do today. I wouldn’t be writing to you if I thought you couldn’t do it. Just for today keep breathing without pressing a button because you can.
You have made a good a start towards doing something different by joining this forum, now what else can you do?
Well done writing your first post – keep posting
Velvet

[Monica1]

Welcome to the forum. It was good to meet you in chat last night. I recognise all that you describe which is the addiction when it has taken a hold. All we need to do is really decide we have had enough, well and truly. Is the exhaustion, the self loathing, the depression, the obsession worth it? And most of all is ignoring life going on around us worth it? There are many things we can do. Consider going on the gma women’s programme, itis excellent, particularly when we have slipped down that slope a long way causing untold damage to ourselves. Block online with gamstop which will Bar us from all U.K. licensed sites. Give your finances over to someone you trust for a while. Seek out counselling from Gamcare or other gambling addictions counsellor. The obsession can fade over time. The important thing is that we face it head on and realise we have a big problem that without support is very hard, if not impossible to stop. Keep posting with your progress. It is all one day at a time. The longer we stay off gambling, the better and different our days can become,

[CornishLass]

Think the different thing to try is to understand that I can’t win financially. That money has gone. That seems impossible to accept.  Logically I know that I can’t regain what I’ve lost over the past decade +, also understand that I should be wise to the fact that I couldn’t hold on to a win. But still, I’d be lying to myself if I really truly accepted that. Honesty don’t know how to get past the voice that says 

Well maybe you can just recoup some

Just writing that and it’s just occurred to me that perhaps I need to place more value on myself and my sanity than I do on money. Obvious I guess. Now need to figure out how to separate values and how to value myself? Something like that anyway 🙂

[CornishLass]

Nothing is worth this. Various blocks in place, one day at a time.

Have spent most of the day looking into alcohol issues – partly cause thought I might as well try to sort out drinking whilst dealing with the gambling – also is less painful for me to look at alcohol dependency than gambling.  Looking at gambling sends me into a very dark place because it just seems so so ridiculously stupid. Drinking way to much for way to many years seems easier to explain.

Thanks for your words.

[finding_laura]

Welcome to the forum Cornish Lass. It was good to meet you in chat last evening and i hope you find this to be a safe honest place for your to work on your recovery. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired there is another way. Monica gave you lots of great suggestions and I’m so happy to read that you have some blocks in place. You aren’t the first one here to have alcohol issues wrapped up with your gambling problem. I could see how drinking makes it easier to gamble and to forget the aftermath of it all. One habit enabling the other. Facing the two together may be your way of dealing with these co-mingled addictions. I do understand what you say about it somehow being more acceptable to be an alcoholic. People now understand the concept that alcoholics have some sort of susceptibility. But most people think you should be able to stop your self from feeding money into a machine. What they don’t realize is our brains are making their own feel good chemicals every time we win. There have been fortunes spent on research and development and these games are made as addictive as possible. This is a real addiction. Gambling addicts are more likely to commit suicide because of their shame and guilt at losing it all. But I figure knowledge is power. And here we learn and support one another. Keep posting. You CAN do this.

Laura

[CornishLass]

Have been trying to distract myself with work and for the most part it’s ok. Just every few hours or so it hits me. Big wholop in the gut and all of it just rushes into my head. Big tangle of terror which just freezes me in my tracks. Still, two days free.

[finding_laura]

Glad you are still with us.

This addiction will continue to take all that you give. It doesn’t have a soul or a conscience. Only once you stop the bleeding of cash can you even start to turn this thing around. And you have stopped it. I hope you have your money locked up tight. If you get an urge, well, you can’t put it into action if you don’t have any money.

Hang tight CornishLass. One day at a time.
Laura

[Monica1]

Yes, that is how it hits us after we have lost huge amounts but stops as soon as we acknowledge and gain acceptance over time that it has gone and we will not get it back. The losses are in the past.
I hope you are starting to get some support. Very well done for having the courage and taking the recovery journey. wisest piece of advice as Laura says is one day at a time.

[CornishLass]

turns out that I can manage to gamble away more in a couple of days than I can in a almost a year.
Starting again. One day bet free.

[finding_laura]

Sorry about the relapse Cornish Lass but glad you have come back here to post about it. They call this addiction progressive. It keeps getting worse and worse. I’ve done the same. Gone back after stopping for a while and it was like I was uncontrollable! I couldn’t feed it in fast enough! It’s like our brain is trying to make up for that lost time and some! It takes time to deal with urges and to allow our brain chemistry to return to normal. We also have to find a different way to deal with the situations that make us want to gamble.

I really am glad you are here. It means you want to try and wrestle this from your life. It takes too much from us and our family. Maybe it is time to tie up all of your finances. I know it can feel like we are a bit like children in the beginning having someone give us an allowance (and it should be small and daily if required) but we are really protecting our self and giving our self the breathing room we need to work on the addiction. And that is what it is. An addiction. Huggsss Lass. You can turn this around. You can have a good gamble free life. I’m living proof. Keep in touch. Post as much as you need. This is your journal. take care,
Laura

[CornishLass]

Appreciate thoughts Laura . Just amazes me that everything I go completely overboard I think gosh it can’t ever get worse than this…it can and it does 🙂 Like am truly trying to destroy my life on purpose. 

In terms of limiting finances,  kinda complicated but also part chicken and part haven’t got heart to involve partner yet again. Guess might change mind on that but hovering between putting as many blocks in place as possible and putting head in sand. 

One day at a time.

[finding_laura]

Hey again Cornish Lass. It was good to see you in group. Look into that information Monica was telling you about, Gamstop. It seems to be helpful to those in the U.K. As I mentioned, here is a link to some information about female gamblers specifically http://www.azccg.org/Female_Gamblers.html and also a link re escape gamblers http://www.azccg.org/Escape_Gambler.html. Almost all female gamblers are escape gamblers. I hope this information helps. Poke around on the website I got this from as there is more info regarding escape gambling. Have a good Sunday.
Laura

[CornishLass]

One of the madest things that I’ve been doing for years is spending post gambling.
Part of the cycle is, insane online gambling, mad panic with thought of partner seeing deposits via online banking, so solution was to buy lots of different items to push gambling deposits as far as possible down the screen. The problem of course was twofold – first, very little money and second was time. Solution was Pounding lol. Looking at bank statements you really would wonder why on earth I go to Poundland weekly and pay for each £1 item individually. Lots of items.

Day 2 – again.

[Monica1]

Well, considering Poundland are now going bust, that strategy is well and truly done! I hope you do try gamstop. Keep posting!

[CornishLass]

Thoughts. Earlier I wrote on someone’s page to remember that they were not alone. Been pondering that and think was wrong. We are alone. At least for recovery. Think, for me at least, it has to come from me. Strength to face what I’ve done, strength to accept losses, strength to continue a bet free life. Strength to get a effing grip. Take control.

[CornishLass]

Still in a pretty dark place but day 3 is day 3.

[charles]

Hi Cornish Lass,

Well done on coming back here after a relapse.
If it “…..turns out that I can manage to gamble away more in a couple of days than I can in a almost a year…..” then it sounds like you have access to more funds than you need to right now. What barrierscan you put in place to limit that? Who can help you with the accountqability?

Keep posting.

[CornishLass]

This is where I’m at.

Good things
Slept well last night which is a first for a very long time.
Managing to not start drinking alcohol like a fish which I’ve done in the past.
Every now and then I forget what I’ve done.

Not so good things
Guilt and more guilt.
Scared of everything.
Super emotional, look like a kinda madwomen that will either attack you or break down at any moment.
Really want to crack open a bottle / case of wine.

Day 4 of everything.

[Monica1]

Mood swings are normal in early recovery as is anxiety. I think you really need to get some support cl. Hopefully you can get onto the gma programme but is there any support you can access in the meantime re how you are feeling? I remember well how it felt for me and it was like completely falling apart. We do get through this and it will pass. It reduces as time goes on. Well done for confronting this.

[CornishLass]

Appreciate your thoughts Monica. 

Would love to say that I’m at the stage where I want to not gamble / drink but truth is I’m more at the stage where I realise that in order for me to have a chance of a happy life I simply can’t do those things. The chance of happiness / peace is possible if I can just shut up that screaming child in my head that shouts to gamble / drink.

Day 5.

[Monica1]

Needs support which is why is is so important to get support in the form of talking therapies. Realising we cannot do those things and have a happy life is a major turning point because we have accepted the destructiveness of the addiction and have decided we want no more, we have a birthright of living a happy and fulfilled,life, all of which is possible in recovery. Distract yourself when the urges come. Some do housework, cook or exercise or if the urges are bad, ring the gma help
Line. We rediscover ourselves in recovery and when we surrender to our higher power we very gradually find our ,ives getting better. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Early,recovery is full of mood swings and odd anxieties, . I found these strange to deal with but did recognise them and eventually they go. But important to talk and share how we feel. Makes you feel less alone with it all.

[finding_laura]

I remember those feelings well and the desire to do almost anything to forget them 🙁 Chances are you were already feeling bad about some things before the gambling and the drinking got worse and then they just keep adding to each other and new lows seem to be reached. Monica is right. Once you are at a point where you realize how much damage it is doing to yourself and you want to face it, well, that is usually the turning point. I can’t tell you to tell your partner. But I suspect he must realize money isn’t going as far as it should be. Whether it’s to help you “budget better” or “not impulse shop” is there anyway to redirect your pay to your partners account or work on budgeting together, or even just talk about the finances. I started telling hubby a year ago where money was coming and going from and to all the time. Accountability. Especially in the beginning. It is so hard to not just shut that yelling baby up and giving in. But the alternative is worse. Sliding further down the rabbit hole. Hang in there. Counseling would definitely be so helpful if you could get some. Talk to them on the help line here. They may have some ideas for you of free options. Night Lass.
Laura

[CornishLass]

Thank you both, Laura & Monica.
Thoughts on day 6, in between work have been doing alot of distracting sorting and tidying around the house. In the sorting I came across a ring, it’s a lovely ring – not expensive – I remember buying it as a push gambling deposits down the online statement view thing. Anyway I found it and remembered that the lady that made it describes it as a wedding band. It’s made of iron I think, heavy. I put it on and found myself say – with this ring I will not gamble. Oddest moment. It really felt like it meant something. I’m going to wear it everyday for as long as feels right.

[finding_laura]

Looking at that ring may remind you of your promise or vow to yourself. I carried a couple of different coins. One with a picture of Jesus on one side and on the other it has a little prayer. The other just says always with you and has a picture of an angel on the other side. Whatever makes you think about your choice and helps you to make the safe one. Well done on day 6. Today you got through the day and you thought about where this has taken you and the lengths that we go through to hide it is insane when you think about it. I had secret loans so bills wouldn’t be overdue. But then eventually I couldn’t pay the loans. That’s 9 years ago now. Good to see you posting. You can do this!
Laura

[CornishLass]

Day 6. As said ok but not ok, bit wobbly. Partner is downstairs right now – it’s the world cup football going on – I’m upstairs in bed. This is one of those classic I can gamble times. No worry of interruption or it seeming strange that am going to bed so early. Absolutely good time to gamble is what old me would say, new me is just confused, grumpy and a little bit lost.
Roll on day 7.

[lizbeth4]

Stay strong! Keep posting. It’s easy to go back to the dark place-gambling but you can refrain. It’s normal to have a lot of different emotions right now. Day 7 will be here soon. Another day gamble free. Take care.

[ButterflyBeeBee]

Hi,

I know the feelings you are going through, but please remember we are all here for you. I would advise to check on your journal regularly and when you feel the itch to gamble to update it. We can all help each other get through one day at a time here.

Best of luck to you.

[CornishLass]

To everyone. Roll on tomorrow.

[CornishLass]

I’ve not been posting because I’ve really wanted to gamble. I haven’t but it’s been difficult. Think it will get better with time but tough right now.

[charles]

Hi CornishLass,

Well done on not gambling. Next time you “really want to gambel” I would say post here if you can. Airing the urges weakens them. Talking about them makes us instantly accountable for what we do next.

Keep posting.

[lizbeth4]

Keep posting! It will get easier as the days go by. Try to find something to do when you have urges. You can do it!!

[finding_laura]

Hey Cornish Lass! I do know for some, talking about not gambling causes gambling urges! Which must make particpating in a forum difficult. Is that the case with you or are you feeling very down in the dumps, agitated, angry, weepy etc etc all at once? It’s awful just getting through this stage but you can do it. In the beginning you may have to just keep coming up with things to do to put off the gambling. Oh I have to fold a load of laundry. Or have a bubble bath and self spa night. Write a poem. These feelings do eventually ease but it takes time. Our brains are so hypersensitive and tuned into gambling that it can seem like that’s all they want. It will pass.
We never asked to be addicted. We can recover. Hugssss Lass.

[CornishLass]

Yep day 10 🙂 Yes Lizbeth – believe will get easier, think months and years but yes.
Laura – don’t know, still finding my way forward. Right now nothing causes gambling urges they just are there so just kinda acknowledging them and trying to remind myself of the damage those urges have previously caused.
Lot of bills coming in that could so easily have been taken care of if last gambling spree had not happened. Very sobering!

[finding_laura]

Evening Lass! Don’t let the stress of bills get to you. Somehow we always seem to be able to make it worse if we gamble. Once we stop bleeding all our money it’s amazing how much further it can go. And you are so right. It’s a matter of finding one’s way. What works for you. With the help of the community supporting you and suggesting what has worked for them. Well done on day 10. You’ve earned each day. Laura

[kathryn]

Well done on day 10! I remember feeling soooooo mad!!!
I was livid, wild, and at the same time didn’t realise why.
I was having withdrawls. Pure and simple.
What you are doing is working. Posting here can be a therapeutic way to express your feelings and get rid of them (if you know what I mean), not only that, its a great time filler!!!
Velvet on this forum has a great way of explaining the ‘gambling brain’, like a glass of water. So full of gambling thoughts that no ‘normal’ thoughts can get in.
The longer you abstain, the less full of ‘gambling water’ is in the glass and ‘normal’ thoughts replace it. Ive read that back 3 times and I don’t know if that makes sense but I hope you get the jist of it!!! Time will help you. The longer you stop, the easier it is to fight/distract those urges. Its been 9 years for me, occasionally I think ‘wouldn’t that be nice?’….then I remember what gambling took from me. That alone is enough. I don’t want to go back.
I still work recovery everyday. You can do this!!!!!
Take care Lass,
Love K xx

[CornishLass]

The absolute best thing for me about this forum is knowing that I’m not alone. That’s a big thing. Thanks to all.
X

[finding_laura]

Good to see your post Lass. I’m rooting for you each and every day. I hope you don’t mind me saying here to Kathryn that I really liked the analogy she shared. Little things can make a big difference in how we think about this addiction of ours. It’s not a “hobby”. We have come far past that. But you can give it the heave ho from your life. take care, Laura

[Autor]

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