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    • #14165
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I had to do something about my life now
      it is going no where now
      I am not coping well and need help to process my feeling and emotion
      I suffer from spells of depression and anxiety
      On my own, there is little I can do about them
      I need to continue writting about my thought feeling and emotion in here 
      I need to attend support group meeting to talk about them
      Attempt to act out in any form etc drinking alcohol, gambling and over eating
      sometimes  can give very damaging results
      I cannot continue to use old familiar predictable and destructive ways to handle
      my stress, restless feeling / anxiety
      I must stop practicing my usual quick fix, self medication, escape and quick relief
      they are just not helping and I am wasting my life away 
      I got to move on with life positively and patiently 
      I got to start practicing what I have learn in recovery
      either I use them or I will lose them
      waking up early to do house chore ,
      practicing conscious breathing exercise,
      jogging 
      process my feeling and emotions on a regularly basis
      it is not too late to start now
      on a scale of 1 to 10 …
      i put a 8 on my level of upset feeling
      8 on frustration and 8 on helplessless
      i am in a transitional phrase
      if i stay on the current job and focus on keeping my life manageable for the next  8 months
      there is hope but everything now is new and very unsure for me
      I just have to do it one day at a time
       
      Gambling only adds to the pain,  
      its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …
      the  side affects actually make the original pain worse

      Its not my last bet that I  have to worry about
      Its my NEXT one that I have to AVOID

      I should make a promise to NEVER BETRAY MYSELF
      and to NEVER, EVER settle for less than your heart’s desire

       
       — 18/05/2011 15:22:14: post edited by kin.

    • #14166
      kin
      Sudionik

      The inland revenue department promise me they will release my banking account last Thursday
      Today I checked, result shows otherwise and I felt ……
      BETRAYAL (  MY TRUST ) & *******
      DISAPPOINTED & UPSET
      AFRAID & FEARFUL
      SHOCK & HURT
      RESENTFUL
      FRUSTRATION & ANGER
      I could not verify with the bank as it was after office hours
      I could not call the ***  to check either
      I don’t know what is happening to my account
      I was afraid and very fearful I could lose every single cents  I had
      Dear diary
      I check my feeling , the  above was exactly how I felt between  6.30 – 8.30pm
      The emotion showing on the surface  was anger
      When I try to feel and describe each emotion
      There are more
      I expected myself to behave worst
      I could have let out my frustration on my love ones
      It could have been a perfect reason for me to act out
      But my head tell me to use this opportunity tonight to learn
      So on my way back home from work
      I tried to describe my feelings on the bus
      I plan to use it to question myself ,
      have I done something that has hurt someone
      resulting in them feeling the same  
      I know how they feel now
      they must be very disappointed with me
      they must be very hurt
      it must be very hard for them to ***** those memory
      they must be very resentful of me
      they must be very angry
      they must have hated me very much
      it must be very hard for them to forgive me
       
       
       
      Dear GOD,
      I am a sinner
      Please have mercy on me
       
       

    • #14167
      bettie
      Sudionik

      Hey Kin,
      We can’t move forward if we are stuck regretting our past.
      Make amends when u can. Pray for forgiveness and understanding where you can’t. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
      Other people’s opinion of you is none of your business. Work to earn respect.
      Regret is a wasted emotion. It’s OK to be sorry for past mistakes. Learn from them and keep the lesson. You will get past the pain.
      peace
      bettie

    • #14168
      desdemona
      Sudionik

      Hi Kin! Bettie is so right about not being able to move forward if we are stuck in regret about the past. Have you considered going to GA meetings several ***** a week Kin, and seeing a counsellor/mental health therapist, and physician? This would allow you to work out your emotions and thoughts with someone who could help you change your way of thinking. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works wonders for a lot of people. It helps you change the tapes that keep running in our head telling us negative things about ourselves, and allows us to reframe these thoughts. I have always found that you’re so hard on yourself Kin. Remember to be kind to yourself. Kin, I love that you helped the blind man and bought your Mom delicious food. There are many, many opportunities to bless others, if we are open to see them. Progress not perfection Kin, Carole 

    • #14169
      pp
      Sudionik

      Hey Kin
      You know i always give you a little lecture about you being hard on yourself, here it is again.  You are too hard on you Kin.  You have had some amazing recovery!!! longer than i could ever imagine being able to do.  So glad you are back here and me too, we can do this Kin.  Everyone makes mistakes.  We can only learn from them and move forward. 
       

    • #14170
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I had expected the outcome to be worst. It all started when I dropped my pay cheque in the quick deposit box on the first this month. I was shock when my cheque did not clear the next day. I was afraid that the inland revenue is confiscating my salary again after taking all the money inside my saving account in May, they promise me everything will be fine after I talk to them. Where is my money now ?
      I was not informed the bank closed my saving account automatically because there was no money inside on the 31 May. I approached the bank manager to check what is happening on the third of June. I was told if I had bank in the money on the 30th May, this would not have happen but I was not paid yet. If the inland revenue have not possess whatever money I had in there without my consent, this would not have happen, it is causing me a lot of inconveniences and stress.
      The bank don’t know the where about of my cheque now. They have send it out to another location.They have informed me that they will send it back to me by mail and I can bank it into my new saving account.
      Today is the 4th and I guess I am not going to see my money until another week or so from today. Still no news, no cheque in my mail box.
      The anxiety and frustration was there but it could have been worst or higher, never knew what could have happen during the last few days if I have acted out.  I was so capable of so many different means to self destruct , really don’t know what I could have done. I just don’t want to hurt another person.
      I actually live with the problem and move on with my life, did not expect myself to do it this way in the end. I actually accepted the reality and live with all the inconveniences, the frustration, anger and the scary anxieties. I had manage to minimize the damage this experience could have done to me.
      I could have done the usual. Push the blame to the inland revenue department, the bank and my company. After that I could press the self destruction button, then look for a solution and a quick fix. Normally I end up using , then stressing, inconveniening and hurting another person. It never happen this time.
       
       
       — 04/06/2011 15:45:56: post edited by kin.

    • #14171
      vera
      Sudionik

      A miracle Kin or recovery at it’s best?

    • #14172
      Anonimno
      Gost

      Kin I am an avid reader of your threads I love your posts about the hole in the road and the addiction v recovery fight, feed your recovery, that one is my favourite.
      I have only ever posted once before on your thread but I agree with everyone else when they say you are too hard on yourself. You have handled this current situation very well and you should give yourself a huge pat on the back. Since I started posting here last year I have seen you struggle at *****, but now I see a new kin coming through, patience is a virtue as you know. Hang on in there kin at least the cheque will get to you, it isnt in the place so many other cheques have ended up and the I revenue havnt got it.
      Well done Kin.
       I dont gamble.

    • #14173
      kathryn
      Sudionik

      Hi Kin,
      As always, insightful posting.  I love the way to take your thoughts apart and put them back together again.
      You will get your cheque back and all will be right.  Dont worry too much, in the grand scheme of things it could be a lot worse.  Sometimes we have to wait, and as frustrating as it is, there may be a lesson for you at the end of it.  I always say that things happen for a reason, at the time i always wonder what on earth that reason could be…looking back i can always see it is clearly as a full moon.
      Take care my friend,
      Kathryn xxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #14174
      kin
      Sudionik

      It is time for me to come home to this website where I belong
      Gambling only adds to the pain,  
      its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …
      the  side affects actually make the original pain worse

       — 8/4/2013 1:45:01 PM: post edited by kin.

    • #14175
      vera
      Sudionik

      Welcome back Kin! I often think of you and miss your brilliant posts!
      Numbing the area is fine until every area becomes numb…
      CGs need to learn to FEEL again!
      odaat!

    • #14176
      rr04e
      Sudionik

      Hi Kin!
      Welcome back brother. I have been thinking about you and have missed your words of wisdom. Hope to bump into you during chat session.

    • #14177
      bettie
      Sudionik

      Hey Kin!
      Welcome back!
      bettie

    • #14178
      kathryn
      Sudionik

      I have thought of you often Kin, welcome back. *******

    • #14179
      p
      Sudionik

      Hi Kin
      I was really glad to see your post. I have always hoped you are ok. I used to love reading your posts. So glad you are back here.
      P

    • #14180
      Dunc
      Ključonoša

      Hi Kin
      Part of me wants to say welcome back but part of me wishes youd never left to allow your thoughts to take you back to a place that had a massive hold on your life.
      Kin it takes courage to come back, I hope this time with the support of the community your find it easier to accept that being a CG means we cant gamble.
      One of my favourite posts and im sure youve seen it before is by Colin called No coincidence its such a powerful and true post
      Kin Ive known you for so many years, I truly believe in your ability to suppress this addiction… now its time for you to start to find a pathway that helps you get your life back on track
      Take Care
      Harry
      25 year poker player, 25 year Hierarchal fool, 25 year ego boost…  Intellectualisation was my down fall, simplicity was my salvation

       — 09/04/2013 15:39:24: post edited by harry.

    • #14181
      kin
      Sudionik

      it felt very warmth and  nice to hear from all the familiar names, I miss everyone too– 9/4/2013 2:32:43 PM: post edited by kin.

    • #14182
      paul315
      Sudionik

      Originally posted by kin

      Dear diary,
      I had to do something about my life now
      it is going no where now … … …

      Good morning Kin,
      It is good to hear from you and see that you have again come to believe the words above from your first post to this topic.
      Harry mentioned a post from Colin as one with a powerful message; you yourself posted an equally powerful one in the fable of a Journey Down the Sidewalk of Life (see http://www.lessons4living.com/sidewalk_of_life.htm); now is now, and it is the time to walk down a different street, to do what Harry also post from time to time, "what are you going to do different this time".
      God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep active, and follow the map found in your Journal.
       LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

    • #14183
      kin
      Sudionik

      I knew i have addictive personality.
      Gambling alcohol and *** is just a part of it
      Stopping myself is hard enough
      Someone from the gambling support group who can afford to gamble invite me to do it with him tonight
      I ask him to help me to stop gambling instead, he reply to me that I should stop if I cannot afford
      one day he will understand

    • #14184
      bettie
      Sudionik

      No one in a "gamblers support group" can afford to gamble- no matter how much money they have! If they come to the group to complain of losses then look for gambling partners they do not belong there.
      Report them to a "trusted servent" or whoever in in charge.
      There is enough stress stopping gambling-and that is not support.
      You may save someone – even yourself!
      bettie
       

    • #14185
      kin
      Sudionik

      Originally posted by bettie

      No one in a "gamblers support group" can afford to gamble- no matter how much money they have!
      If they come to the group to complain of losses
      then look for gambling partners they do not belong there.
      Report them to a "trusted servant" or whoever in in charge.
      There is enough stress stopping gambling-and that is not support.
       

      Well said….bettie
      I love this site

    • #14186
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear God, Your Word tells me that I can’t heal my hurts,
      hang-up, and habits by just saying that they are not there.
      Help me! Part of my life, or all of my life, is out of control.
      I now know that I cannot “fix” myself.
      It seems the harder that I try to do the right thing
      the more I struggle.
      Lord, I want to step out of my denial into the truth,
      I pray for You to show me the way.
      In Your Son’s name I pray, AMEN.
       — 3/5/2013 1:58:56 PM: post edited by kin.

    • #14187
      paul315
      Sudionik

      Originally posted by kin
       
       … I can’t heal my hurts,
      hang-up, and habits by just saying that they are not there …

      Good morning Kin,
      It is good to come to realize that a greater power can restore us to a more normal way of thinking an living, and to know that we can turn our lives over to this Higher Power.
      And even for those that may not believe in the God that you call upon and honor in your post, all in recovery can benefit from the truths found in religious teaching.  And not to take anything away from your beliefs in any way, I have found similar direction in the teaching of GA as well; teachings that can be used as guidelines for non GA members the same that the essence of your prayer can be used by others.  It all comes down to us "letting go and letting God", for us to pray your prayer, to practice Step 7 – "Humbly asked God (of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings", or to follow   requirements coming form a different source.
      As you are learning and have pointed out here, we can not "fix" ourselves; we need a Higher Power to hold onto when will-power alone gives way for some trivial reason.
      God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep using your faith as a strength to overcome. LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

    • #14188
      p
      Sudionik

      Hi Kin i am glad I got to see you in chat even though only for a short time. Thanks also for encouraging me. I encourage you too Kin to continue on this journey. We can do it, keep going baby steps, one day at a time
      P

    • #14189
      kin
      Sudionik

      I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I can’t.
      I do what I don’t want to – what I hate.
      I know perfectly well what I was doing is wrong, and my bad conscience proves that I agree with these laws I am breaking. But I can’t help myself, because I ‘m no longer doing it.
      It is sin inside me that is stronger than I am that makes me do these evil things.
      ( Roman 7:15-17 TLB )
      Before every man there lies a wide and pleasant road that seems right but ends in death. ( Proverbs 14:12 TLB )
      We felt we were doomed to die and saw how powerless we were to help ourselves. ( 2 Corinthians 1:9 TLB )
      You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there ( Jeremiah 6:14 TLB )
      If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done ( Ecclesiates 11:4 TLB )
      I am worn out with pain; every night my pillow is wet with tears. My eyes are growing old and dim with grief because of all my enemies. ( Psalm 6:6-7 TLB )
       — 19/5/2013 5:45:39 AM: post edited by kin.

    • #14190
      kin
      Sudionik

      Originally posted by kin

      God grant me the serenity
      to accept the things I cannot change;
      courage to change the things I can;
      and wisdom to know the difference.
      The apostle Paul wrote: “ I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living with every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.” For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. ( Philippians 4:11-13 )
      Serenity is having an inner calm in the midst of ups and down of life.
      It involves learning to be content with the things in our life that cannot be changed.
       

      Dear diary,
      This week dated 28-may to 2 Jun  was not smooth sailing especially near the end but it was not all that bad after all.  I had tried hard to take baby steps daily and be mindful of the happening around me in my life
      I have to make changes regularly to keep myself in check and balance with the changes outside especially at work from  the expectation of my company and the unpredictable demand and changes put in place from my immediate superior, which is normal and expected from a sales environment.
      I chose a most junior position, one I am very confident I could deliver so I can focus on other priority in my life now
      Everything  in the week was progressing  fine, I  could feel grateful and contented with what little I have daily and I was feeling peaceful.
      I was even more careful now, I am doing something I don’t in the past in recovery, if I was really exhausted, I will take a break and rest or sleep…that means I will sacrifice and miss the support group meeting or church service to break the cycle of rushing and slow down the pace in my life. Rest and sleep have risen in priority in my recovery.
      Despite all this, my peace was broken on Thursday evening. I received a letter from the inland revenue department informing me about their recovery action on my unpaid  taxes. My bank account was frozen by them. I was shock, frighten and have no time to react because I needed the money inside to service a loan 2 days away on Saturday. I panic a little, I was definitely frustrated and angry.
      I told myself I can either do nothing and chose to be helpless for the rest of the day or I can do something immediately to repair the situation…yes the thought to gamble came automatically, I entertain the thought for a few seconds, at the same time, I also knew  it can make matter worse if I lost, most importantly  I have decided no matter how bad is the situation, I will bite the bullet and move on without the gambling.
      My only option, I still have half an hour after I receive the letter to call them to find out what I can do before their office closes for the day. I spoke to one of the officer… over the conversation, of cause the officer was not cooperative in the beginning and I have to admit it was all my fault but I really do not have the surplus money to service my tax as I was still servicing my loans. She told me I could provide supporting documents to prove my case, pay a nominal amount and they will release my bank account and the money inside at 2 pm the next day, if I can report to them the next day at 8 am before I go to work at 9 am.
      It was all about rushing from one place to another on Friday, and  even on Saturday when I have to attend to a housing purchase matter, also at  8 am, get the money at 1 am and then service my loan at 2 pm.
      End of everything, I knew I was safe but I have a new problem, I have to cope with a new anxiety feelings inside me now. I should be feeling gratitude and contentment that everything ended well, but I was not feeling peaceful, and I don’t have the calm to be still, I should go home to rest or go to church later at 7 pm but I was restless …. my thought and feeling don’t seem to be in line.
      I just walk and walk for more than 2 hours, I window shop and look at all the shops and things I passes by , the hardware  and army / police supplies shops until I was so tired and thirsty, I sat down at a coffeeshop for a can of **** and watch the world passing by, the restlessness was gone , my emotion was stable and I just wanted to go home, I am feeling really tired now,  I am ready to go home, take a hot shower and sleep early. I am not rushing to the church service later at 7 pm.
      I don’t know, I feel that I was again this close to ******** up my life but  God is watching.
      Finally here on a Sunday, I am able to write down all my thanks, gratitude and contentment that I could not on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Thank you Lord !
       
       
       
       
       — 2/6/2013 8:31:48 AM: post edited by kin.

    • #14191
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I was doing my jog a walk this afternoon, I was jogging along the road when i heard a lot of noise coming from the bushes in the forested area on my right,  I saw a wild boar a few steps away from me, it was just as shock as me, it ran for a few steps before it slow down when it sense no danger coming from me. I have seen wild moneys, squirrels, monitor lizard before but never a wild boar…
      Guess my day have return to normal after the hectic  rush to straighten things out in the last 3 days. Glad and grateful to be traveling  one baby step forward at a time now.
      Heard someone say this before,
      Never look for trouble until trouble looks for you
      In the meanwhile, I am contented with the peace and calm I get now and hope it will continue
       — 2/6/2013 8:41:45 AM: post edited by kin.

    • #14192
      kin
      Sudionik

      Originally posted by kin

      I can either be
      very angry at what I don’t have
      Or
      be happy with what I have
      I have a choice

    • #14193
      cat438
      Sudionik

      Kin – thank you for posting these its just what I needed to read.  The choice is ours if we are content with what we have, but one thing we all know and that is gambling will not give us any more, it robs not just our money, but our sense of self, out serenity.  Keep making the right choices – one day at a time Kin!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

    • #14194
      kin
      Sudionik

      God grant me the serenity
      to accept the things I cannot change;
      courage to change the things I can;
      and wisdom to know the difference.
      The apostle Paul wrote: “ I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living with every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.” For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. ( Philippians 4:11-13 )
      Serenity is having an inner calm in the midst of ups and down of life.
      It involves learning to be content with the things in our life that cannot be changed.
      We must begin by turning our eyes away from everyone around us, including
      those we blame for our condition in life or
      those we condemn to make our wrongs seem less in comparison.
      Then we can get back to looking within our self.
      I can either be
      very angry at what I don’t have
      Or
      be happy with what I have
      I have a choice
      Dear diary,
      Feeling muscle ache and Pain was terrible last night, it triggered all the automatic thoughts in me to act out.
      I had to tell myself not to give in to the urge to gamble, drink or have *** with someone who doesn’t want to do it. I turn to watching movie online, the movie finished after 1.5 hours and the urge was still there, my last resort was to go out for a jog if it got any worst. I struggled… … all because I was not getting all the things I wanted, It may be late but I still wish to do all the familiar things, I need a relief for my lousy feeling and the muscle aches  on my back, butt and legs  make it worst tonight. I was angry, it was terrible, no one want this. The right thing to do was to go to sleep but I could not and struggle until I fall asleep.
      Today I woke up feeling grateful another day has passed,  grateful last night ended safely, glad  taking baby steps forward one day at a time helps.
       

    • #14195
      kin
      Sudionik

      Bill W of A.A. fame said, "Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth."
      He was telling us a very profound truth. In fact, pain is probably one of the greatest gifts we have been given.
      Feeling pain, whether physical, emotional or mental is the way our bodies perceive danger.
      Why does pain get such a bad rap?
      Why is it so difficult to accept pain as a well-respected teacher?

      There are two types of pain,
      necessary pain and unnecessary pain.
      When we try to avoid necessary pain, we fall prey to a state of neurosis.
      This means that we rely on our defences to try to avoid the call to us that something ***** to be taken care of.
      Neurosis stops emotional, mental and spiritual growth from unfolding naturally in our lives.
      On the other hand, when we accept and welcome unnecessary pain and discomfort,
      we have what is called a character disorder.
      Legitimate pain helps us identify areas of our lives that are not working well. Legitimate pain leads to growth. It is never necessary to feel shame over feeling pain.
      In fact, we are better advised to reach into our pain. Feel the pain, and do what ***** doing. Once the healing has begun, we no longer need the pain and it will recede.
       — 9/6/2013 9:07:58 AM: post edited by kin .

    • #14196
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dated 8th Jul
      I have begun  to backslides.
      I stop attending support group meeting, church service, exercising and I have also lose some discipline at work.
      I have started consuming alcohol and keeping late nights, overeat and also betted with some lose change on some games.
      Putting them down on writing, thing start to look so obvious
      Either I start to bring some discipline and committment into my life, things will get out of control eventually one day.
       

    • #14197
      Anonimno
      Gost

      Hang in there Kin.  It is possible to pull yourself back on track quickly if you don’t let things slide too far.  You know what to do.  RG"I ***** him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.” – Aristotle

    • #14198
      kin
      Sudionik

      hi RG,
      I agrees with you, it is back to the drawing board for me now, back to doing the little things………… like having proper rest or sleep and putting a stop on my dependence on alcohol, food and footie to alter my feelings, instead try to pray more often, exercise regularly, and  attend more support group meeting & church service, the rest I guess will fall naturally into place.
      taking baby steps keeping myself clean today, cheers.
       — 8/7/2013 4:23:34 PM: post edited by kin.

    • #14199
      kin
      Sudionik

      When you stop chasing the wrong things,
      you give the right things a chance to catch you
      Let "Tomorrow" be your second chance
      to prove that you are better than today and yesterday
       

    • #14200
      kathryn
      Sudionik

      Great post Kin,
      Hope you are taking care of yourself,
      Love K xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #14201
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dated 4 Aug
      Dear diary, I only stop jogging and attending service on weekend and I start to miss people, places and things like crazy, it is so uncomfortable and uneasy.
      Automatically I will remember what I normally do at these ***** and the nice feelings I get from them, I will crave for the continue good feelings and I starts to struggle very badly….replacing them with bad company,  alcohol and gambling only have one ending…..back to the rock bottom .
      It sucks big time , kinda depressing.  I got to hang on
       — 4/8/2013 10:26:50 AM: post edited by kin.

    • #14202
      bettie
      Sudionik

      The quickest way ought of a hole is to stop digging. Recovery is like quitting smoking. Every time we stop a we are one step closer to stopping for good. Keep fighting the good fight. Victory is just around the next corner. You are worth it!
      Bettie

    • #14203
      bettie
      Sudionik

      The quickest way ought of a hole is to stop digging. Recovery is like quitting smoking. Every time we stop a we are one step closer to stopping for good. Keep fighting the good fight. Victory is just around the next corner. You are worth it!
      Bettie

    • #14204
      bettie
      Sudionik

      The quickest way ought of a hole is to stop digging. Recovery is like quitting smoking. Every time we stop a we are one step closer to stopping for good. Keep fighting the good fight. Victory is just around the next corner. You are worth it!
      Bettie

    • #14205
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dated 11 August 2013
      I was a bankrupt spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally and financially
      Alcohol is affecting the way I think n feels after more than 4 months
      Gambling suck me down faster
      I have lost the trust, tolerant and acceptance from someone I enjoy being with
      To be turn down by people I once help and support hurt me deeper

    • #14206
      kin
      Sudionik

      I miss my dog now

    • #14207
      icandothis
      Sudionik

      Kin,  I believe that you can turn your life around.  You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight. 

    • #14208
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      Today, I finally get  to talk to the person I enjoy being with
      I accuse her of not being there for me when I really needed her this year
      I accuse her of  shutting me out and *****,
      being manipulative and running away when I have problems
      I realized after I have spoken to her, I have been doing the same thing to her many *****
      When I was gambling, I been ***** to her
      I told her I was running errands, in actual fact she knew I went gambling.
      I was doing all the wrong things, now I realized I was wrong.
      This relationship may have ended, I ask her for forgiveness
      I ask her to forgive me for all the harm and pain I brought to her
       

    • #14209
      kin
      Sudionik

      When I was acting out in all forms of addiction,
      I didn’t practice the recovery program I was taught
      I forget how to live life
      I needed another person to tell me that today
      I was blinded by my problems
      I have many like debts, my work, gambling, alcohol, my health and family
      she was right
       — 12/8/2013 2:53:16 PM: post edited by kin.

    • #14210
      kin
      Sudionik

      My day 1
      For a start, I will commit to my recovery 100% for 180 days, one day at a time starting with today
      I will countdown and try to be clean for 180 days and see what it was like
      At 5 pm today, I decided to take a long walk to the drop in centre for recovery people
      I have never done this before, I reach the centre at 6.30 pm
       

    • #14211
      kin
      Sudionik

      My day 2
      I feel that there is no way I can find extra 2 hours to do exercise everyday
      The only way is to make time,
      I can use the time I waste on drinking alcohol or internet surfing
      and chatline which can go on for many hours
      into the early morning  at 2 or 4 am
      At 9 pm tonight, I start my walk a jog
      and stop after 10.30 pm. 178 more days to go…… 
      my back, butt and legs is really hurting now
       
       — 13/8/2013 4:45:00 PM: post edited by kin.

    • #14212
      kin
      Sudionik

      My Current Triggers
      People:  Mr E ( Alcohol ), Ms K ( ex gf )
      Places: Saturday ( Gambling day )
      Things: money , too much free time, not enough rest and fatigue, stress.
      Feelings
      Mr E called to meet up tonight, I turn him down with a new excuse that I am busy with a new exercise  program.
      Ms K message me today, strange that she do so after what happen last week, apparently she is not strong enough to stay away completely. I did not want to make it any difficult for both of us and did not start any discussion with her.
      I thought I was fine after giving myself a break yesterday and slept. Sleep was difficult, I cannot sleep in the beginning with all the muscle aches.
      Thoughts
      It did cross my mind to gamble today. The season starts today.
      I did not want to grab on the thought for too long.
      Action Plan
      I knew I must get out of the house and do my walk a jog.
      I must do something with my free time
      It is too dangerous to let my mind drift, the signs are there.
      My day 5
      I can feel a little stress when I jog today,
      feel like giving up very early after 3 km.
      Then it start to drizzle after I passed 4 km
      it became a perfect reason for me to stop and go home
      175 more  days to go…… 
       

    • #14213
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear all,
      I have not acted out for a month now. The time I was missing from the journal, I lost myself in alcohol, gambling and work, none help, I increase my debts in the process.
      One day more than a month ago, I woke up and found the strength to put a stop to the borrowing, gambling, and face the consequences.
      I still feel that it was not me who did it
      Anyway I was able to move on with my life with little fear, little anxiety, I was able to experience peace and a life.
      Day one, I knew with the money I had, spending 10 dollars a day will not be enough to last me thru the month but I saw this poor man by the street, I thought he need this dollar more than me, it is not going to make a big difference to me, I gave it to him.
      When I was left with my last ten dollar note on the last week before payday, I received 5 movie tickets, a reward for my work. I sold 3 to movie goers and got 26 dollars for it and I still have 2 tickets to give it to one of my girlfriend and her daughter who is on school holiday now, think she need it more than me. She ask me why don’t I sell it away for cash, I told her I have enough and don’t need anymore, she can have it.
      What has happen to my life now. I have enough ? I don’t need anymore ?
      Anyway I have return to the recovery community here and have attended more than 7 support group meetings , gambling and narcotic ones .
      Trying something different now, been attending church service in a traditional methodist church for 2 weeks, accepted the invitation of some new friends and have joined them for 2 cell group meetings. I was initially very uncomfortable with them , I felt that we are from 2 different world in term of our moral value, I don’t feel a sense of belonging but they have been very kind and nice to me. Especially after the second meeting , I decided that I am not going to use my girlfriend body anymore, I am going total abstinent from adultery and premarital sex too.
      Have put on some weight from my past struggles, I am very round now..haha …but I am finally able to start slow jog again, I was only doing one third the distance I did before this update but I feel very happy.
      What happen to me ?
      One month ago , I saw this clip

      then this
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiHzq8MOfKU
      follow by this

      follow by this

      follow by this
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fj1d9h7IL0I
      thank you all for reading my journey, I am work in progress

    • #14214
      kathryn
      Sudionik

      Good to see you posting Kin, keep the faith my friend.
      Love K xxxx

    • #14215
      kin
      Sudionik

      Mark 8:34-38

      34 Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 35 For whoever wants to save their life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. 36 What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? 37 Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?

      I stop gambling and drinking alcohol for more than 2 months now

    • #14216
      bettie
      Sudionik

      So glad to see you posting!
      I think of you often-you were one of those vital to me in my start of recovery.
      Thank you Kin!
      bettie

    • #14217
      p
      Sudionik

      Hi Kin
      So glad you are posting again.. I used to love our chats about recovery and I am really happy that you are here again. Your posts always make me think. Congratulations on not gambling or drinking for Two months. Im gamble free a couple of months now too its amazing isn’t it. Yippeeee, keep going.

      P

    • #14218
      desdemona
      Sudionik

      Hi (((Kin)))! It`s Carole but I am using Desdemona as a new site name. It`s great to see you back posting. I have had a lot of changes in my life and haven`t really been posting much, other than to my own thread. Keep working your recovery Kin, as I am. I`ve had lots of slips in the 3 years I`ve been in recovery, but I keep working at living a gamble free life. I hope you`re well! Carole

    • #14219
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear P , Beattie, Kathryn, Carole
      Good to know that everyone is doing fine.
      I am also glad to informed you ladies that I have been clean
      from all form of destructive behaviours’ for more than 10 weeks now
      All thanks to the Lord

      Wishing everyone a Great Christmas and Holiday Season

    • #14220
      desdemona
      Sudionik

      Hi (((Kin)))! I’m so proud of you for having 10 weeks of no destructive behavior. Merry Christmas to you (((Kin)))! Carole

    • #14221
      kin
      Sudionik

      The Lord is using me …..show how he change me.
      3 months ago, I was facing a mountain of debts as usual and the debtors are pressurizing me to pay up, most of early October and November month was all about negotiating payment to them. I was also separated from my female companion and I missed her very badly for many days, the feelings was lousy, near to the point of panic. The worst is still yet to come , on 16th November, I received a letter of demand from a legal moneylending company chasing me for payment , I didn’t borrow from them, it was very upsetting so I reported to the police and found out the letter was fake, it was all a scam. On my birthday, 11th December, mum was diagnosed to be suffering from 3rd stage cancer of the colon, she was schedule for an operation on the 27th December 2013. On the 19th December, I was informed by my company they are not renewing my employment contract due next month. I am going to be unemployed soon. Should I be upset because I did not do anything wrong at work.
      My friend in Narcotic Anonymous group used to say …Everything is NOT OK but I am OK.
      In the past , I will be very upset, I will struggle with my emotions and feelings , I will sink into self-pity and anger I will try to fix it. I will press the self-destruction button and self-medicate. I will consume alcohol , gamble and look for other woman.
      Today I notice I am not the same person. I don’t numb my feelings anymore and when it gets real bad, I pray and speak to the Lord and his messengers. Without the alcohol, gambling and sex, I really feel the pain and sufferings, there was no more escape.
      I always tell myself that this pain and suffering feelings will go away. I hate this feelings , I want it to go away immediately but after a few hours they are still here. They only go away when I tired myself and fall asleep, only to return the next day in the night… I am not in charge or in control of my feelings, it can carry on like this for more than a week sometimes. I can feel very helpless and vulnerable.
      I like to praise the Lord for keeping me sane, protecting me and giving me the strength to cope with the many disappointments in life now…….l felt the suffering but I did not fix it with my old ways instead I carry them ever since I follow Christ.

    • #14222
      desdemona
      Sudionik

      (((Kin))) I am proud of you for not self-medicating your unpleasant feelings with self-destructive behaviors. And I’m so sorry to hear about your Mom’s cancer diagnosis. I hope she will be cured with the surgery. She needs you to be present for her emotionally at this time and to be lost in destructive behaviors will not help you or her. You are going through a very stressful time with this diagnosis and your contract not being renewed, so it’s important that you take good care of yourself. Your posts sound very different than they used to be. You seem to be more focused and you seem to be more stable, even though situations in your life are out of your control. Way to go (((Kin))). Carole

    • #14223
      kin
      Sudionik

      Having come to carry out the will of the Father, Jesus remained faithful to it right to the end. He thus carried out his mission of salvation for all those who believe in him and love him, not in word, but in deed. Love is the condition for following him, but it is sacrifice that is the proof of that love.

      “If anyone wishes to come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Lk 9:23).

      Dear Diary,
      I am hit by wave after wave of bad news now. I am hurting deep inside.
      Is this what carrying my cross and denying myself really feel like , it hurts real bad.
      If I have a chance to ask a pastor why so many unfortunate things happen to me now after I have stop acting out in my destructive behaviors and turn to God. I am very sure I will crack and break into tears talking about the pain from the hardships.
      I am trying very hard to be brave and strong in front of other people but I am not that strong.

      Grateful to be clean today.

    • #14224
      janey1
      Sudionik

      Hi Kin

      As you know, there are different types of strength and it takes strength to be honest about your pain, like you are being right here right now.
      Focus on why you stopped gambling and hold on tight to those reasons with both hands, you can and will survive these feelings Kin, I know this because you have had the strength to survive so much already.
      I hope to see you in a group soon. Take care.

      Bye for now
      Janey

    • #14225
      bettie
      Sudionik

      Bad things do happen to good people.
      None of us asked to be an addict.
      The old tools we used to cope-gambling, drinking drugging etc. helped to get us where we are today.
      Hold close to your new support – positive and healthy.
      The crisis you find yourself in is NOT because of your past-it’s life happening on lifes terms. Sometimes that really stinks but it is what it is. Hold tight-this too shall pass.
      Wishing you love and light in the new year!
      bettie

    • #14226
      p
      Sudionik

      Hi Kin

      i was just wondering how you are doing, was just thinking of you and hoping all is good in your world at the moment..

      P

    • #14227
      kin
      Sudionik

      my journey continues

    • #14228
      Dunc
      Ključonoša

      Hey Kin

      Id really like to hear more about your journey

      Take Care

      H

    • #14229
      p
      Sudionik

      Hi there Kin long time no see, i used to love chatting to you years ago in the chat room and reading of your posts.. i always learnt from what you would say.. you were always very hard on yourself.. i hope that today you are ok and would love to hear whats happening..

      P

    • #14230
      kin
      Sudionik

      Hi P,
      our relationship here goes back many years, yes you are one of my best friend in here, nothing changes, I still love chatting with you. Will be here posting more often.

      you too, take care yeah

    • #14231
      kin
      Sudionik

      Light Shines Through Cracked Pots

      Psalm 69:6

      Everyone is like a pot that carries life. But not everyone carries a presence that blesses others. Religion tries to force people to follow laws to make them perfect, like pots without cracks. But if a light is put within a flawless pot and then covered, no one is able to see the light inside the pot. Perfect pots are not able to reveal internal light to illumine the way for others.

      God chooses to shine through imperfect, cracked pots. People are blessed when our cracked pots let the light of Jesus shine through. Choose to be a glory-filled, cracked pot rather than an empty, pretty vessel.

    • #14232
      bettie
      Sudionik

      Hey Kin, glad to see you post as I have been thinking about you lately.
      Hope you are well.
      Keep working recovery Kin-it works only when we work it.
      bettie

    • #14233
      p
      Sudionik

      Well, from one cracked pot to another.. i hope you have a good gamble free day.. glad to see you posting again

      P

    • #14234
      kin
      Sudionik

      the mind was thinking of the slot machine clubhouse recently
      crazy isn’t it , it is a place that will destroy me without a doubt, yet I long for it.
      I am increasing my awareness and mindfulness now
      it is not a habit and has never cross my mind in the past
      but I am practicing it now.
      I found myself with 2 hours free time, I have to tell my mind why I don’t I visit the cinema to watch the movie, it only cost me 10 SGD at the cinema, I don’t have to lose 1000 SGD at the clubhouse, I am not going to save the 10 SG dollar.
      I didn’t watch the movie in the end but it took my mind away from the slot machine.

      My addictive mind can still be very dangerous to me, my awareness cannot afford to be lower.
      I don’t want to go but the mind is finding excuses to get me to go. Other than killing boredom, I have no love for this place.
      I have to exercise my mind to think of other not harmful activity to do whenever the mind tell me it is ok to go the slot machine clubhouse.

      I pray and remind myself to be obedient, this to me was a struggle.

    • #14235
      kin
      Sudionik

      it has rob me of everything I have, and stripped me of all my self respect, dignity and esteem, leaving me with only shame, guilt, hopelessness and more suffering.

      I do not want to have anything to do with gambling and alcohol anymore

    • #14236
      icandothis
      Sudionik

      Sending prayers your way, kin. Good for you that you came back to post. I feel your pain. But you can begin again. Today can be the first day of the rest of your life. A life without gambling and alcohol.

    • #14237
      kin
      Sudionik

      have grown in recovery since my last entry

      experiencing living life without the gambling, and alcohol, it is actually not that bad at all

      focusing on ODAAT / focusing on God daily

      many problems are caused by the gambling,
      take away the gambling, the many problems also go away, life is less complicated.

    • #14238
      kin
      Sudionik

      What is Habit?
      Habit formation is the process by which behaviour, through regular repetition, becomes automatic or habitual
      1. A recurrent, often unconscious pattern of behaviour that is acquired through frequent repetition.
      2. An established disposition of the mind or character.
      A disposition is a habit, a preparation, a state of readiness, or a tendency to act in a specified way.

      Easy solution: I can form a new habit to replace the old habit

      What is addiction ?

      Addiction is defined as not having control over doing, taking or using something, to the point where it could be harmful to you. An addiction is an unhealthy relationship with drugs, or alcohol, in which you use more than you would like to use, and you continue to use despite negative consequences.

      Awarenness: I am no more arrogant, I learn to be humble and admit I am powerless over my addiction. When I try to control my addiction, I am actually losing self control.

      I don’t try to suppress my addiction anymore, I find that they actually snowball over the days and the feeling became more intense and unbearable, it is so easy to fail.

      I have a new found respect for the power of addiction,
      as long as I don’t start, it cannot grab hold of me .

      I found a power in God greater than the devil in addiction.
      Daily I focus in God, I pray to God.

      the meetings I attended in the week keep my thoughts in check and focus in God and my recovery.

      I learn now; the number of clean days accumulated does not matter at all in the future, it does not make you any stronger than your addiction, everything can be lost overnight when you are not vigilant.

      I only need to focus on staying clean today,
      the secret is ODAAT.

      my hope is not on striking lottery or the big winning anymore. now my hope is in God, first I came to believe in step one, now I trust God, I will be given sufficient, I will have abundant.

      Amen

    • #14239
      p
      Sudionik

      Hello my friend

      Long time no see.. i am so glad to see you again… i have always loved your posts.. so happy you are posting and sharing with us again.. way to go, what postiive things you have put in your life.. be proud of you Kin, you were always very very hard on yourself.. be kind to you

      P

    • #14240
      vera
      Sudionik

      Welcome back KIn!
      It’s true! Everything can be lost overnight, if we are not vigilant!
      God helps those who help themselves!

    • #14241
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear all,

      Mercy, Peace and Love
      May the Grace & Lord surround you and
      be with you on Good Friday

      Praying that the Lord fills your heart with peace
      Hold you in His Love and blesses you with His Grace
      on this Holy day and always

    • #14242
      charles
      Moderator

      Good to see you posting Kin, I’m glad you are doing well.

    • #14243
      kin
      Sudionik

      Every recovery center has successful stories but at all times, there are people relapsing
      Come pay day they will lose every single cents and they don’t understand why
      They never imagine they could lose everything, they thought they could stop everytime
      But they could not stop until they have lost everything every time

      They stop gambling for 29 days only to gamble everything away on the 30th day
      It hurts. It is very painful.
      When that happens, you either pretend this never happen until the next payday
      Or you will be self-beating yourself for the next 4 weeks.

      This was also my story
      I have to go thru this phrase before I finally felt I had enough and surrender
      How many more times am I going to allow this to happen
      How much more suffering do I want
      “ ENOUGH IS ENOUGH”

      One is just too many
      That I am powerless over gambling

    • #14244
      Anonimno
      Gost

      Wow Kin I think u just described me …
      Your posts are very insightful.

      How many times? Why do we always think this time will be different? Why do we always forget ?

      Everything can be lost overnight . How true ? Pleas keep posting . I am hearing yours words even tho my addiction is shouting very loudly !!

    • #14245
      kin
      Sudionik

      I am not responsible for your recovery
      I am responsible for my own recovery
      I cannot do the walk for you, you have to do your own walk
      ~ speaker in a 12 steps recovery workshop

    • #14246
      kin
      Sudionik

      Step 6
      Were entirely ready to have GOD remove all these defects of character.
      Step 7
      Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

      In the past, I could be suppressing my gambling and drinking urge on my own, or with the meetings, all the measures I took was a temporary one to keep me clean for the day. It was not a long term or permanent one. it was tough pushing against a consistent force, in the long run, when I weaken, the burden just got heavier and I cave in. I have experiences many period of clean times in the past before I loses everything back.
      “I was ignorant, I did not fill up the void.”
      Ever since I start focusing on GOD, something gradually fill up the void inside me.
      Something inside me starts to change, it did not happen overnight but after more than a year now, I could feel that the gambling and alcohol urges have been remove from inside me. I was lying down resting and looking at the ceiling, I was amazed and wonder where did the gambling and drinking thoughts go to. Where have they disappear to, there was nothing to suppress now. It was removed.
      I have the money in the bank to feed my addiction and slip, I have the oxygen to fuel the fire, but where did the fire go to. Money used to be a trigger, now money is just money, nothing much but where was the trigger.
      The bible and GOD’s word has reveal to me what I do in the past was wrong.
      I am unworthy, I have done so much wrong and sins, GOD have Mercy on me, He did not punish me when I deserve them. By the Grace of GOD, He help me when I don’t deserve them. I have finally found a loving GOD greater than the devil. GOD has pulled me out from the dark and put me in the light.
      I am human, I am imperfect, I am not GOD, I must not be complacent NOW!
      I must stay close to GOD
      Whenever I drift and turn away from GOD, the devil is always waiting to grab and pull me away, I am just no match for the devil.
      Many times in the past when I depend on man, they disappoint and fail me, I fall.
      GOD never fail
      Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” (Luke 18:27)

    • #14247
      kin
      Sudionik

      Money was very important to me and still are but I don’t love money the way I used to anymore.

      I have finally understand that money is not the problem, its me and my love for money that is evil, it made me chase for more, I want more, what I have is always never enough in the past, likewise the alcohol, gambling, food, sex and work…..my list goes on

      I have to work hard not to feed my self centeredness and desires

      I must put in conscious effort to focus on GOD

      I am still learning not to give in to self will and follow GOD ‘s will

    • #14248
      butchugly
      Sudionik

      I think the last time I prayed, it was to beg To Win! I have become so wrapped up in it all.. I forgot the most important thing.. God
      Thanks kin

    • #14249
      kin
      Sudionik

      Just return from a meeting, I was like these people in the past
      I knew I have a gambling problem like everyone there
      But I have belittled and cannot imagine the destructive power of this problem

      I was brought up with the mindset… not to quit or give up easily
      I feel that the inconvenient from the gambling problem then…was a temporary one
      When things improve, I will pick myself up from where I fall down
      I shall return one day …….to gambling and beat the system
      Gambling offer me the fastest way to double or nothing for my money.

      I feel that I have learn from my lesson
      I feel that I am able to make sure the same disaster will not happen again
      I feel that I am able to control the gambling if I am more careful the next time
      When I return to gambling, I will try a different approach from the last one
      I still believe that there is a way to beat the system, I have not surrender completely

      I was an ignorant, arrogant stubborn fool!!!
      Still want to go back to the same place, do the same thing expecting a different result
      My belief system have a big problem!

      I don’t believe Gambling is more powerful and better than me
      I don’t believe it can control me, and beat me every single time forever

      I can still remember all my past big winning
      But I cannot remember every painful experiences

      These people I meet now are stubborn, arrogant and ignorant
      I must take care of myself, I must not care too much about what these people think about me
      I must leave these people, it is better to be unpopular than to be sorry.

      They have proven time and again they will disappoint and fail me in the end, they are not ready yet
      They are responsible for their own recovery, I am responsible for my own recovery

      I can turn to GOD and not them, GOD is always there
      I will not be alone. I only need to pray and talk to GOD.

      I am not a perfect person, I have weakness
      Enough is enough!
      It is time to live life without all the gambling, alcohol…….
      The result is a rewarding one!

    • #14250
      vera
      Sudionik

      Excellent posts, Kin!
      Very true that we cannot return to gambling and beat the system.
      Gambling has already beaten US!

    • #14251
      kin
      Sudionik

      I once spoke at an AA group’s anniversary meeting in St. Paul, Minnesota,

      and left the members with a riddle:

      “If the principles of Twelve Step recovery are not the Twelve Steps,

      then what are the principles?”

      My answer to these group members was the same one I give my sponsees:

      “The principles of Twelve Step recovery are the opposite of our character defects.”

      In recovery, we try to take the opposite of our character defects and shortcomings

      and turn them into principles. For example, we work to change:

      fear into faith,
      hate into love,
      egoism into humility,
      anxiety and worry into serenity,
      complacency into action,
      denial into acceptance,
      jealousy into trust,
      fantasy into reality,
      selfishness into service,
      resentment into forgiveness,
      judgmentalism into tolerance,
      despair into hope,
      self-hate into self-respect,
      and loneliness into fellowship.

      We learn to understand the principles of our program.

      Our true goal is “progress not perfection.”

      The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines.

      The principles are guides to progress.”

    • #14252
      kin
      Sudionik

      The Twelve and Twelve states: “AA’s Twelve Steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happy and usefully whole.”

      What, exactly, are these principles, and where did they come from?

      Over the years, a list of principles that correspond to each of the Twelve Steps has been printed

      Step One Honesty
      Step Two Hope
      Step Three Faith
      Step Four Courage
      Step Five Integrity
      Step Six Willingness
      Step Seven Humility
      Step Eight Brotherly Love
      Step Nine Justice
      Step Ten Perseverance
      Step Eleven Spiritual Awareness
      Step Twelve Service

    • #14253
      kin
      Sudionik

      For the first time in recovery
      I am having proper rest
      After a long work week, I choose to enjoy my day off instead of working part time
      After a long day, I choose to stay home to rest or sleep instead of staying out

      The feeling I had after a long day at work was a familiar one
      I was restless and want to engage in other activity
      But this feeling changes to one of calm and peace when I woke up after a good night rest
      Giving myself rest was something new

      When the mind and body is tired, it become weak ,vulnerable and invite triggering thoughts and struggles.

      Life without the gambling, and alcohol was good
      Gratitude and contentment returns
      Fear, insecurity and the ” I want more” ” it is not enough” feelings goes away

    • #14254
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I relapse yesterday……. in my dream

    • #14255
      kin
      Sudionik

      Luke 11:24-26English Standard Version (ESV)

      Return of an Unclean Spirit

      24 “When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, and finding none it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ 25 And when it comes, it finds the house swept and put in order. 26 Then it goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there. And the last state of that person is worse than the first.”

    • #14256
      charles
      Moderator

      Phew. I’m glad it was only in you dream Kin. My own opinion is that the addiction is still going to be there in our subconscious, if the only way it can get out now is in our dreams then that’s a good thing! 🙂

      Filling the void is important as well, how are you filling your gamble free time?

    • #14257
      kin
      Sudionik

      well Charles, I try to focus and think of God and all the wonderful things that God have done for me

    • #14258
      kin
      Sudionik

      “Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from beginning to end.” Hebrews 12:2 (GNT)

      In dog obedience training, they put a dog at one end of a room and its master at the other end of the room, with a plate of food in the middle. And then the master calls the dog. If the dog eyes the food, he’s a goner; he’ll go straight for it. So they teach the dog to focus his eyes on the master. If the dog keeps his eyes on the master, he won’t be tempted. Instead of heading for the food, he’ll head straight to the master.

      You need to keep your eyes on your master or you’ll get distracted. Get your mind off your circumstances and your problems and focus on God’s goodness to you in your past, his closeness to you in your present and his power to help you in your future.

    • #14259
      kin
      Sudionik

      Sometimes I don’t know why I can be very intolerant and impatient
      I will usually lose my cool very fast when I meet someone who is…they made me feel suffering etc. pressure, anxious, and cornered.

      Demanding – they are so unreasonable, I am not their slave
      Interrogative – they question everything including areas that are personal to me and I reserve the rights to some privacy and self-respect, I am not a criminal or their servant
      Accuse, humiliate and shame – they accuse me of something I didn’t do or think, I get shame, embarrass and accuse of wrongs I did not do.
      This is one of my many weaknesses, I am not God, I am powerless over these people

    • #14260
      p
      Sudionik

      its so good to see you are still posting here. Keep going with your recovery one day at a time.. i am glad to see you gamble free today

      P

    • #14261
      kin
      Sudionik

      Thank you P and praise God, it was easier to do recovery for me now, in the past, I read about those 12 steps recovery program from GA,AA,NA, I tried it but it was just not working for me in the long run, I do not know my God. Today I am still working on the same 12 steps recovery program with God in the program and experiencing a much positive and happier result.

      Dearest P,

      May you have a blessed recovery road ahead.

      With Love,
      Kin

    • #14262
      kin
      Sudionik

      When I trust people, people are all not perfect people, they could fail me, because they are not perfect like God.

      When they fail me, and betray my trust in them, it can be very disappointing and upsetting. What ‘s next ? do I still continue to have faith in the GA/AA/NA recovery program because of these people ? do I stop going to church and stop reading the bible because of these people.

      it was only when I found God in my recovery program that I experiences the real thing.

      it doesn’t matter anymore now if the popular person in recovery bluff or lied in their sharing, it is not my recovery.

      it doesn’t matter anymore now if the popular church person bluff or lied in his sharing, I shall focus my attention on God and not him.

      it is not important to me anymore

      Am I going to blow his cover and tear him down ? Not anymore, I will no longer do such a foolish thing, it doesn’t matter to me anymore

      I am not going to go into a mental relapse because of them, it is not worth it!!!!

      I have learn to depend on a God centred recovery now and not a person or program centered ones.

    • #14263
      kin
      Sudionik

      Matthew 16:23
      You are not setting your mind on God’s interests, but man’s

      The apostle Peter is a glaring example of the struggle between self- and Christ-centered living. Only moments after Peter confessed the fundamental truth that Jesus Christ is the Messiah, the Son of the living God (Matthew 16:13-16), he found himself in league with the powers of darkness. Having just blessed Peter for his noble confession, Jesus announced to him and the other disciples the suffering and death which awaited Him at Jerusalem. “And Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him, saying, ‘God forbid it, Lord! This shall never happen to You’” (verse 22).

      Jesus responded: “Get behind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; for you are not setting your mind on God’s interests, but man’s” (verse 23).

      Jesus’ memorable rebuke seems mercilessly severe. But the fact that He identified Satan as the source of Peter’s words describes precisely and appropriately the character of the advice Peter tried to give: “Save yourself at all costs. Sacrifice duty to self-interest, the cause of Christ to personal convenience.” Peter’s advice was satanic in principle, for Satan’s primary aim is to promote self-interest as the chief end of man. Satan is called the “prince of this world” because self-interest rules the secular world. He is called the “accuser of the brethren” because he does not believe that even a child of God has a higher motive than self-service. You can almost hear him hissing, “All men are selfish at heart and have their price. Some may hold out longer than others, but in the end every man will prefer his own things to the things of God.”

      That’s Satan’s creed, and unfortunately the lives of all too many Christians validate his claims. Satan has deceived them into thinking they are serving themselves when in fact they are serving the world, the flesh, and the devil.

      Prayer: Loving Father, help me forsake self-centered attitudes and actions in order to take up my cross daily and serve You.

    • #14264
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear Diary,
      God change my life
      I have never experience the kind of calm, peace, love and stability in my life now for a long time.
      I want my life to be like this but has not been able to do it.

      My love ones is everything to me but it couldn’t stop me
      Good health was important to me but it didn’t stop me
      My career was my life but it didn’t stop me
      Money was important to me but it couldn’t stop me
      I was working hard building my life and pulling everything down slowly at the same time in the past.

      I have hope now
      I don’t feel lonely and empty now
      I learn to love others again

      Loving Father, help me forsake self-centered attitudes and actions in order to take up my cross daily and serve You.

    • #14265
      kpat
      Sudionik

      Amen
      What a beautiful prayer. If we truly set our eyes on The Master, how different our choices would be. Deny yourself and follow me. Wow! Thank you Kin:)
      I will agree with you in prayer.

    • #14266
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear Diary,

      Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Why? let me confess,

      Tonight my thoughts make me a bad person
      – a liar / a cheat / untrustworthy person

      My focus was on my flat and making money using old ways that I was familiar
      My housing installment is about 400 dollars per month now

      When my mind start drifting, it become dangerous
      Initial thoughts was fun, innocent and harmless
      I started to plan what to do

      I thought if I have 200,000 dollars and my interest earned was 2.5%
      I will have an extra 5000 dollars every year which will cover the whole year housing payment, right?

      I do not have 200,000 dollars.
      So what can I do ?
      I was thinking, I only need to have 10,000 dollars
      I can go for low risk gamble which gives me a 25% pay out in sports betting
      I only need to do it 2 times over 365 days
      I will win enough to pay 12 months of payments
      My 10,000 dollars capital remains, I can do it again and again
      The winning will pay for everything

      I was thinking how I could make enough money to pay out
      all my remaining housing installments for the next 208 months.

      On paper it looks like I am planning “to take over the steering wheel “
      I was planning to take back the control from God

      I want to be my own master

      I was insane,
      still trying to do the same thing and expecting a different results.

      This plan is wrong,
      I don’t want to work hard to get the results,
      I want an easy way out.

      I was impatient
      I want a quick way out.

      I never expected myself to be more than 100 days clean
      And slipping away mentally

      I only lost focus on God
      and focus on gambling during a short bus journey
      One wrong thought leads to another wrong thought

      I may not have a gambling feeling now
      But I know I was thinking about gambling

      What happen if one day I carry out my thoughts when I had the feeling
      I will lose all I had, It is more than money

      How am I going to face God, my family and friends

      This afternoon I was in deep thoughts reading about a man, the late Mr Robert Yeo who started a successful halfway house for recovering drug addicts.
      He was a recovering person, a successful one for a long time, he inspire many people to follow his foot steps to inspire and encourage others.
      He committed suicide in the end, why ? isit guilt, Isit shame?

      The Devil got me today!

      I just finished a 12 hours shift, am I tired mentally?
      I need a shower and a good rest now….
      I need to pray to God

      I don’t need to gamble
      I don’t need to be dishonest
      Life is good now

      God gave me enough
      Why do I become greedy and want more

      I am greedy, I want more
      and I want to do it my way and not God’s way

      Heavenly Father, forgive me!
      Please have mercy on me for I have sin,
      Help me see my wrongs,
      I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen

    • #14267
      p
      Sudionik

      What i love about your post is you posted all these thoughts yet you did not gamble.. you posted what you were thinking, what could have happened, but at the end of the day Kin you are still gamble free, that is wonderful.. i love how you explain it… keep going Kin and do what works for you.

      P

    • #14268
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear P,

      Its been years in here, has miss you and the rest.
      The writing was something I pick up from those psychologists, they always encourage us to write down our thoughts, feelings and action. I learn that they are separate but are related and one do not have to act it out because you think and feel like it.

      I have faith in you and the rest, I am sure you will be successful in recovery.

      God blessed!

    • #14269
      kin
      Sudionik

      Lately, was thinking of the things I did because of gambling in the past.

      One day, I was like suffering the strong withdrawal of heroin at home and had no money to buy them
      In reality, I don’t have enough money to feed my gambling but I felt that I must have them even if it didn’t belong to me.
      My urge was so strong, the intense feeling was very unbearable… that was what it feels like
      I was so desperate I actually pick on the lock of a drawer belonging to a family member

      It wouldn’t have happen if I was not gambling, isn’t it

      This was what gambling did to me

    • #14270
      kin
      Sudionik

      There was a time when I thought only death ……

      Only death can stop me from all the self destructive acts

      God help me realised all that was wrong now

    • #14271
      kin
      Sudionik

      One day at a time, think of God a little more
      and think of myself a little less

      Today I pray to God, I am nothing, you are everything.

      I was the same person who sold 1 million dollars worth of unit trust each time and earn 30,000 dollars worth of commission in the early 1990s (not inclusive of my incentives and bonuses.)
      and earn only 20 dollars a day for 2 hours work between 12 am to 2 am working as a cleaner scrubbing grease off Burger King kitchen wall and washing the floor there in 2013.

      This was what gambling did to me in the past

      I am happy now. God change my life.

    • #14272
      kpat
      Sudionik

      That is a testimony! So happy that you are changed.

    • #14273
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear Diary,

      I read on…..
      12 August 2013, I wrote it was my day one.
      14 Dec 2013, I wrote that I was more than 10 weeks clean
      Last entry was on 21 Dec 2013, things was going wrong, I wrote that wave after wave of bad news hit me, I was hurting deep inside. life was becoming harder and harder even though I didn’t gamble.
      I ask a question was this what “carrying my own cross and denying myself ” really feels like ?

      I show human weakness, life was too hard, It was too painful, I turn away from God, and return to gambling.

      I learn from that lesson, I had to focus on God and not on my problem, One Day At A Time.

      Another thing that stood out now

      In the past, when I stop gambling, I was either ending up drinking or sleeping with woman or working like a workaholic eventually

      Today dated 22 May 2015, I am 106 days clean since 5 Feb 2015 , I shall continue to try …
      to remember God more each day and myself less each day ODAAT.

      This time really feels very different from the many other times in the last ten years. God has help me to not only stop gambling, but also stop drinking, sleeping with woman, overworking and all my other old ways at the same time.

      I am very confident that I will remain clean after 180 days, I trust God, everyday now was my commitment to God.

      I have learnt from past experience, if I lose focus and turn away from God, I will be gone! I will lose myself to the devil.

    • #14274
      kin
      Sudionik

      Philippians 4:11-13New International Version (NIV)

      11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

      God promise to provide
      I am happy with what I have now

    • #14275
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear Diary,

      I wrote…..
      12 August 2013, it was my day one clean
      October and November 2013 was hard and all about negotiating with legal money lenders on accepting my terms for payment.
      16th November 2013, I received a letter of demand from a legal moneylending company chasing me for money that I did not borrow. It was very upsetting, I reported them to the police and found out the letter was fake, it was all a scam.
      11th December 2013, my 85 years old elderly mum was diagnosed to be suffering from 3rd stage cancer of the colon, she was schedule for an operation on the 27th December 2013
      14th December 2013, I was more than 10 weeks clean.
      19th December2013, I was informed by my company they are not renewing my employment contract due next month. I am going to be unemployed soon.
      21st December 2013, things are turning awfully wrong, wave after waves of bad news is hitting me hard, I was really hurting deep inside and taking it very badly. I did not gamble but my life look like it is getting harder and turning out worst, I really cannot comprehend.
      I asked a question at that time, “Is this what carrying my own cross and denying myself and following Christ ” really feels like ?
      I was getting punch real hard like in the ring in life ‘s reality one time after another and trying hard to stand upright, I was slipping away and getting wasted, I was getting mentally weaker and weaker in the midst of all the pain and suffering during this period until I return to gambling drinking and woman to self medicate and find a relief for the intense pain and lousy feelings.

      Things has change and not change now, things was still not ok but I am ok. Life is good now.

      I feel that I am actually growing mentally stronger, more joyful and positive instead… in the midst of suffering , I praise God now!

      Saint Peter says” rejoice in suffering in the name of Jesus Christ.”

      Amen!

      The quality of the ten week old clean days I had in the past
      and the new ten week old clean days I have now is so different

      This was what I went thru and now a part of my spiritual growth

    • #14276
      Anonimno
      Gost

      Hi Kin,
      I read your post with interest and am filled with awe at your unwavering faith.

      You are doing great- but with God by your side how could it be any other way.
      Keep posting Kin!

    • #14277
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      One reason why I was such a difficult person to change in the past was simply because I was too proud, stubborn and full of self-beliefs.
      I tried to change, I would like to think I am otherwise, but I remain the same. I could not change myself
      God has broken my proud arrogant self and stubbornness
      Only God can change me

    • #14278
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I like the sharings I heard from 2 recovering gamblers recently, they say that even if it was a sure win bet, they are not going to gamble.

      I thought to myself
      this is against my belief and principle in the past

      if the venture is a sure win, it was a stupidity if I do not go ahead to make the money.

      this has also become my downfall many times in the past. I found out that when I stop gambling in the past, I was like hibernating and waiting for the right time to return to gambling.

      today I can question myself and others
      if this was a sure win bet, will I go ahead to gamble?

      the answer I got from 2 groups was not a yes or no answer to gambling, they replied the same answer, there was no guarantee sure win in gambling.

      I reply if there was a sure win bet, are you going ahead to gamble?

      One person reply jokingly, he will gamble this time and stop after that.

      People are very defensive and uncomfortable with this question

      I had the same feelings for a long time, it question my conscience and dishonesty, the truth make me very uncomfortable, deep down I know, I will go ahead to gamble if it was a sure win.

      I had dig out this reservation in me and I am addressing and talking about it.

      Now even if I know this was a sure win bet, I am not going to gamble because it was a wrong way to make money.

    • #14279
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      for the second week now, I have time to be more thoughtful and bring my 85 years old mum out for shopping.

      in the past when I was gambling I can never find the need, the time, the money to do it.

      she seem to be enjoying the trip to these places new to her

      Thank you God

    • #14280
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I was performing my third days straight 12 hours shift at work over the weekend.
      When I started out last year, there was 3 persons performing the shift on Saturday
      Monday, normally we will have 4-6 person during office hours being the busiest day of the week

      But last Sat, Sun, Mon, I was working alone.
      Short handed one reason
      2nd reason, I have proven I can do it in last 5 months over Sat and Sun
      3rd reason, cost cutting measures and taking advantage of my presence
      4th reason, it was a public holiday on Monday in Singapore but unfortunately it was not a holiday in Taiwan, Hong kong and China, these are the places we are servicing.

      I get the job done on Sat and Sunday as usual but the workload on Monday was just too much for me to handle alone, I cannot cope.
      I was too exhausted by the third day to cope with the heavy workload and starting to lose control of my mind, I have burn out. I can no longer deliver and say the right things. I hit my breaking point.
      I am made of fresh afterall, I have lost self-control, I was fine and in control for a large part of the day until the end, I lost my focus on God completely for a moment, I was too tired and felt the exhaustion, it was too painful to carry on.
      I was suffering serving demanding and difficult customer because my mind was too tired and don’t have any patience left. I become weak and helpless.
      In the past, after work, I would have self-destructed and self-medicated. I could have gamble or drink to numb myself. This time, I did not do that but I was still disappointed I have forgotten about GOD and lost myself for a moment, I lost my mind and self-control but GOD did not left me, GOD help me and stop me, I didn’t press the self- destruction button . Everything was not ok but I was ok in the end. I did not have the mental strength to carry on at work but GOD gave me the strength not to press the self-destructive button.
      I have already flag the situation to the operation manager about Monday when I saw the roster. She wasn’t convince. On Monday, I have kept her posted on the heavy workload and tell her I cannot cope after 5 hours, my mistakes at work proves it.
      I did a self-reflection, I read about how I could be wrong if I respond base on my past experience, I could have tender my resignation, but this time I should trust my Higher Power and management and let them decide. Today I have informed the management about how I feel about the situation.
      I have also remember reading about being loyal to work but not to the company because the company can one day inform you that they don’t need you anymore.

      Yes I notice the same thing happening again, I burnout
      Was self-inflicted in the past when I acted out on the job and become a workaholic

      But this time it was inflicted by someone, I didn’t want to be a workaholic. Anyway I remember last year, work was the most important thing to me, without it, my life cannot function properly. It was more important to me than God . Today God has become more important than my job, work is not everything to me anymore, this is good news, finally, spiritually I am growing stronger.

      Something stood out for me, I did not repeat the insanity cycle
      I did not drink or gamble or look for sex to numb myself

      I could not stop myself and cannot change on my own in the past
      God has change me. Praise God. Halleluyah. God kept me safe today.

    • #14281
      kin
      Sudionik

      Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you will go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you’ve faced. All the battles you have won. All the fears you’ve overcome.

    • #14282
      kin
      Sudionik

      Thursday is turning into a day I bring my 85 years old mum out to new places for food and shopping

      it is turning into a weekly event – 3rd week now

      I am very grateful to God for helping me to do this

      The old me don’t do such a thing week in week out
      I gladly accept the new me, it is a joy for mum and me

    • #14283
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      It would be a lie if I do not have any worries now and life was perfect.
      Fact is “ I was worried about 2 things now.”
      1. I worry that I cannot manage with the workload working alone on the job ( I am covering the job of 2 or 3 now compare to last year this time )
      2. I worry that I don’t know what to do when there is a job to do ( there are new changes and new services, when I am working alone, there is no one to teach me what to do. )

      What I was taught?
      It is testing my faith in God.
      If my faith is strong, I need not worry.

      What do I plan to do ?
      I cannot see the future, but I will continue to have faith on God.
      Am sure all will be fine in the end.
      I am made of fresh, yes, I do get worried.

      What did I learn from reading ?
      Do not base my decision on past experience, it can be wrong if it was not base upon all the scriptures ?
      In the past, when I get upset, I cannot be still, it is a fight or flee situation for me.
      I will either fix the thing or I will leave the thing, it is extreme, nothing in between.
      I resign from the job many times in the past.

      What do I intend to do ?
      Leave it to the Higher Power to fix the situation.
      I will not made the decision.
      Will be patience, be still and watch the situation progress or unfold. This is new to me. I will be teachable and willing.

    • #14284
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      Now I learnt that there is nothing wrong with money
      It was my love of money that is evil

      When did money loses its grip on me and become just another thing that is not everything in my life?
      It was only after I came to know God and listens to his Word one day at a time.

      Money suddenly lost the kind of power it used to have on me and no longer trigger me like it used to for months now
      Glory to God!

      God have given me love, provided me a sense of security and brought freedom into my life

      Amen!

    • #14285
      kin
      Sudionik

      1 Corinthians 6:19

      19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God

      No. 124 clean days

    • #14286
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      More than 10 years ago, my first recovery mentor told me
      “I was an irresponsible man but I can do responsible things.”

      I thought I understood what he says
      When I do it, something was always wrong somewhere , I could not stay responsible.

      In the past, I always knew it was wrong to be irresponsible, I wanted to be responsible, but I keep doing the wrong things.

      Now I follow God’s word, and became the irresponsible man who started to do responsible things.

      My friend could have told me that he was an irresponsible man.
      God help change him and help him perform responsible deeds.

      He wanted to tell me God says “I am the way” and not “I show you the way” or there is other way”
      He keep hinting to me 10 years ago.

      Was it too late for me to understand them now?

      I was just grateful I did, I could have struggle with recovery for the rest of my life until the day I die
      I am actually enjoying recovery now, of course some days are tough,
      Let’s rejoice in suffering in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen!

    • #14287
      micky
      Sudionik

      Hi Kin i have just read your last few posts and have found them very uplifting i too am a christian 🙂 and believe in god. keep posting and thank you for sharing 🙂 M.

    • #14288
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear Diary,
      How do I get closer to God everyday ?

      Read this online.

      1. Sing to God a new song.
      Psalm 40:3 says, “He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.”
      The hardest time of the day for getting closer to God is first thing in the morning.

      For some reason, upon awakening is when every negative thought invades the mind. As soon as you open your eyes, begin by singing a song to God. Singing a new song to God will wipe out every negative, depressing thought.

      2. Pray – Start each day by saying good morning to God.

      Psalm 5:3 says, “I lay my requests before you Lord in the morning, and I wait in hopeful expectation.”

      Acknowledging God in the morning is a great way to draw closer to Him and it establishes a relationship that remains throughout the day.

      As you pray to God your urgent requests, you will wait expectantly for His answers. Realizing that God wants to bless you with the desire of your heart ..will keep you focused on Him as you wait.

      3. Quote scripture, God’s word, to put God in the center of your heart and mind.

      Psalm 119:11 states, “Thy Word have I hid in my heart, that I might sin against God.”
      Memorizing scripture for daily devotions is a great way to get closer to God.
      Choose one scripture to meditate on.

      Psalm 51:10 says, “Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.”

      This is the perfect prayer request to start off any day.
      Ask God to mould you into the person He wants you to be.
      As you choose to live right, you will get closer to God.

      4. Worship God throughout the day to keep you close to Him.

      Psalm 22:3 says, “God inhabits the praises of His people.”

      When we sing worship songs to God, He is there.

      Get closer to God by worshiping Him.
      Psalm 95:6 says, “Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker; for He is our God and we are the people of His pasture, the flock under His care.”

      5. Celebrate communion with others as a way to get closer to God. Take the elements, the bread and the cup, in remembrance of what God did for you when he sent His son Jesus to die on the cross for your sins.

      Communion is done in fellowship with other believers as a reminder of God’s love.

      6. Enter church, or God’s house, gets you closer to Him.
      Hebrews 10:25 says, “Do not forsake the gathering of yourselves together as some are in the habit of doing.”
      Coming together in unity with other believers invites God’s presence.
      Matthew 18:20 says,
      “For where two or three come together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”

      If you want to get closer to God, get closer to others. Unity among believers is powerful and effective.

      7. Observe nature as a powerful way to get closer to God.
      Sit by a running stream or climb the highest mountain. Watch the ocean tide or sit in the midst of a forest.
      Psalm 95:4,5 says, “In His hand are the depths of the earth, and the mountain peaks belong to Him. The sea is His, for he made it, and His hands formed the dry land.” God created everything and nature is a representation of His glory, His splendor and His beauty.

      If you want to get closer to God, get closer to His creation.

      8. Remember that God speaks to everyone differently.
      He speaks to some of us through music/song, nature, art, reading, listening, talking and many other ways.
      Whatever you do, do it for our amazing, loving, merciful, beautiful God.

    • #14289
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      Am feeling stress at work because I don’t know how to perform my new role and also feeling more tired nowadays
      When I am tired mentally and physically, first thought to do wrong or act out happens
      and I had to check myself and pray
      have to trust the Lord and let the Holy Spirit lead me

      Isnt it beautiful, when my thoughts to do wrong was there, the Holy Spirit led me to do the right things

    • #14290
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I started writing about my days in recovery here in 2008.

      Never in the past have I wrote about bringing mum out regularly to keep her happy.
      It is becoming as regular as my weekly meeting now
      Is this the same person ? Is this going to last ? I could not do it in the past
      I was watching myself, bringing mum out, the day is turning into week and into month now.
      In the beginning, I doubt myself, I don’t believe myself, I was watching myself closely.

      My God is an awesome God

      It may be a simple and easy thing for others to do but trust me, for an addict, it was a very difficult and almost impossible thing for me to do. I was always either getting myself into more troubles or busy getting myself out of troubles.
      I do love my family but have never shown or given any love to them for many years.

      I was very diligent and always there week in week out for either my gambling in the beginning and later my recovery meetings for many years but I was never there for my mum when she needed someone.

      Ever since I knew God and listens to His Word.
      I started to honor my parent and family.

      Glory to God!

      For changing and helping me do things now that I can only dream of in the past.

      I am living life like a normal person now. Praise to God!

    • #14291
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      Its one thing to be cheated
      and another thing to cheat others.
      Its worst to cheat myself.

      We all have a choice
      We are free to make our choices
      but we are not free to escape its consequences.

      Do not deceive yourself

      God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows ~Gal 6:7

    • #14292
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear dairy,
      Praise God!
      Without the meeting
      Without the mentor
      Without the fellowship
      I am not falling this time

      People can reject me,
      Places can kick me out,
      Things can be taken away from me now
      It doesn’t affect me too much anymore;
      my recovery does not center on them

      My focus is not on people, places and things anymore
      Over reliance on these have set me up to fail and relapse many times in the past
      It could not help me stay stop

      It is ODAAT for me now
      I seek God daily
      Focusing on God one day at a time
      Listening to His Word
      Obeying, following and walking closely with Him

      Outside, people, places and things can change
      Inside, nothing changes, He is in my heart

      I can be alone, or in the company of many,
      in the desert, or in the church
      With or without good job, much or little money

      I no longer feel the kind of prolong loneliness, emptiness
      Sadness and hopelessness that made me self-medicate

      I am not alone

    • #14293
      vera
      Sudionik

      I love your posts, Kin

    • #14294
      p
      Sudionik

      So wonderful to read your posts today.. i remember when you used to post and we used to chat here. Wow you have come a long way.. so nice you are taking your mum out. Good for you Kin you are really making your recovery count

      P

    • #14295
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I was brought up in a family with a few generations of substance and behavioural abusers

      I can see how my grandparent affect my parent

      How my parent affect my siblings

      How I affect everyone

      I can only pray to God to please free the living ones from the curse

      I can see them suffer

      I finally stop my destructive ways but mum continue to gamble, sis started to get intoxicated to numb her feelings

      This was what I do for more than 25 years heavily

      I am pretty strong now but I feel a sense of sorrow and sadness seeing sis suffer and mum so stubborn

      Heavenly Father I pray to you to heal my mum and sister, please heal them and give them total recovery in the name of JESUS I pray. AMEN!

    • #14296
      vera
      Sudionik

      Amen to that, Kin
      It is hard to see Our Loved Ones suffer
      God loves them too

    • #14297
      kin
      Sudionik

      7 “Two things I ask of you, LORD; do not refuse me before I die:

      8 Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
      give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.

      9 Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
      and say, ‘Who is the LORD?’

      Or I may become poor and steal,
      and so dishonor the name of my God.

    • #14298
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I was reading the posts from others in December 2013

      It was a very painful and difficult period for me when many things are taken away from me.

      During these times, there are many friends from GT who came in to drop a line or two to encourage me.

      I was touch and grateful to all of you and would like to take this opportunity to thank you.

      Times flies, life have pick up for me now, things are looking brighter, and I am enjoying my recovery like I never did before.

      love you all….

    • #14299
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      Today I return from a support group meeting feeling below:
      How many have tried committing suicide only to return back to gambling
      How many was put behind bar only to return to gambling after their release
      How many scholars memorized the recovery program only to gamble drink or steal
      How many pastor, priest and addiction counsellor was telling others not to gamble, drink, prey on vulnerable people for sex or steal only to do it themselves
      How many promises was made to God and love ones only to be broken
      Until 2014, I still believe that the only time I can stop for good was after I die, dead man cannot act out in destructive ways.

      How many hypocrites have I witness since 2005, too many until I start to believe I was hopeless and no different from them.

      I can never imagine and never thought that I can be where I am today.
      My life has change, I was blessed by messenger from God
      If I consider my last gamble and drink, I would have gamble and drink for more than 30 years
      Along the way I become a workaholic, sex , food addict,
      I didn’t like drugs after trying when young

      I listen to my God’s messenger
      focus on God one day at a time
      try to read God’s words as much as I can
      learn to refer to God ‘s scripture and words when I need to made a decision
      I start to be mindful and look after my mind and body after learning that my body is His temple.
      Most importantly I start praying more regularly

      This my story.
      I could not change.
      God gave me Grace, and change me.

    • #14300
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      Good counsellor, Skilful facilitator, Compassionate, loving and caring man was how I describe brother Zheng Nam who is leaving the place running the support group today.

      During my difficult days, I was attending a support group facilitated by him.
      When mum was very sick, his attention and concern for me was comforting
      When I was troubled, he always lend me a listening ear

      He was one of two God messengers that have help me find the way to be closer to God, when I go to them with my problems, they will point me to the scripture for God ‘s answer.

      Its been close to 22 months now

      He has help many.

      Everyone was sad by his departure but I was feeling happy because I met him, happy because I was one of many beneficiary when he was around, his leadership and guidance has been a very positive influence

      He was a man of substance and a man working for God.

      I am sure he will continue to bless many.

    • #14301
      kin
      Sudionik

      I am not only free from the bondage of addictions

      I am also free from slavery of money

    • #14302
      vera
      Sudionik

      You were blessed to have met that Mentor, Kin. He was there when you needed him. Maybe you will step into his shoes and be the new mentor in that Support Group.
      You have a lot to give. We will flourish if we live according to God’s Will. We are where we are meant to be.
      Your journal is very inspiring.

    • #14303
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      An experience new recovering friend I met told me this and it help me to understand how to share better, he said ” if Jesus really help you, you must let the others know.”

      Since then I have been sharing how I tried for more than 9 years and has not been successful staying total abstinent properly and happily, the experience recovery people around me can spot the difference in my clean days with theirs.

      I can be total abstinent but I was still not free from the bondage of all addictions and slavery to money and sins in the past, the ending was predictable, I will slip/relapse one day.

      Everything changes after I knew Christ,
      I decided to carry my cross, deny myself and follow Jesus.

      Another good news, when the student was ready, the teacher will show up. I met a wonderful messenger of God, God send brother Jordan Neo to help me.

      He has done many for me and he work for God.

      He encourage me to seek God and walk closely with God.
      He want me to focus on God one day at a time, pray to Him, talk to Him.

      He encourage me to attend church and read the bible
      When I work on Saturday and Sunday, he want me to work hard, I must continue to attend Church, find a church that has a service on weekday and I found one Church that run a support group meeting on Tuesday and has been going there for more than 4 months now.

      He share with me how to made the right decisions, in the event when I have a problem or a question in life, how I could find my answer in the scripture and God’s word found in the bible.

      he also share with me it was mention in the bible that the body is the temple….I must take care of my body. it help me understand the importance of sleep; tiredness and stress is very dangerous and harmful to my recovery. I don’t abuse substance and put toxic into my body nowadays. I have skin eczema, it can cause me great stress, especially when the weather is changing and hot, this is something I cannot change, I pray to Jesus Christ when this happen, I continue to deny myself and rejoice in suffering in the name of Jesus Christ.

      I receive many advise from many people in many places whether I like it or I don’t, sometimes it feel like they are forcing it down my throat without my consent and consideration to how I feel, I feel like walking away but it is very rude, I don’t want to hurt their feeling and be very offensive to turn them down. Everyone have something to say.

      Some of them are so convincing, it sounded so good and true like the real thing, regardless of how good it may sound, brother Jordan has taught me something very important to check myself, to listen to their words very closely. Whether they are speaking the words of God or the satan. It help me separate the God centered people from the self centered people, this has help me to stay clean and kept me safe.

      Mr and Mrs Jordan have shown me unconditional love and taught me God’s great love for us. I was really touch, the love has spread to my family.

      I learn to love again.

      Recovery is about love, it is not about punishment.

      I trust God and have faith in Him.
      God promises, I believe Him.
      God has never fail to deliver.

      I started counting my clean day on 5 Feb 2015 the way it was done in the Anonymous Groups.

      there are many peace and joy in this way of recovery, it was unlike the white knuckle recovery I experiences in the last 9 years of trying other ways.

      This journal document everything, on the 17th September 2014, I wrote about my thoughts, feelings, and actions on the day. I read it yesterday and today. It was very clear I am still not free from the bondage of addictions and slavery to sins and money. I was still trying to use my own analytical mind and reasoning to convince myself not to act out, it was a fight and struggle to stay clean for that one day, I succeeded for that one day but how long can I stay stop fighting and struggling in this way long term, it is like a baggage one carry on them, it can be a burden and weaken a person. Not surprise now, I was reading my input days after, dated 8 December 2014, it look like I have slipped again.

      I have experience and can see very clearly the kind of freedom that God can give me.

      Recovery is suppose to be a happy and joyful one
      if one is struggling and fighting all the times
      something is wrong some place, you will end up in the same pit again, please seek help and talk to someone.

      Pray to God, seek God
      I cannot, He can

      Heavenly Father, please heal all the brothers and sisters in GT and give them total recovery in Jesus ‘s name I pray. Amen!

      May God bless you all,
      I love you.

    • #14304
      kin
      Sudionik

      Brother Jordan, you have taught me well, I continue to seek God every day.

      My recovery focus more and centered on God, less on people, places and things.

      I am no longer over reliance or dependent on people, places and things now, in their absence, I do not feel alone and vulnerable as I walk closely with God.

      I have also read about how I can let go of the steering wheel and let the Holy Spirit lead me.

      It has taught me that there will be times if I respond based on my past experiences or wisdom, such an approach will get me into trouble. I must always go back to the Bible for truth or for the Holy Spirit to reveal the Truth.

      My experiences cannot be my guide. Every experiences must be controlled and understood by the Scriptures. The God revealed in the Scripture does not change.

      As I continue on this spiritual journey, I look forward to meeting with you again, my good brother.

      God is great! God help me change when I could not.

    • #14305
      kin
      Sudionik

      “How Can It Be”
      I am guilty
      Ashamed of what I’ve done, what I’ve become
      These hands are dirty
      I dare not lift them up to the Holy one

      You plead my cause, you right my wrongs
      You break my chains, you overcome
      You gave your life to give me mine
      You say that I am free
      How can it be, how can it be?

      I’ve been hiding
      Afraid I’ve let you down, inside I doubt
      That you still love me
      But in your eyes there’s only grace now

      You plead my cause, you right my wrongs
      You break my chains, you overcome
      You gave your life to give me mine
      You say that I am free
      How can it be, how can it be?

      Though I fall, you can make me new
      From this death I will rise with you
      Oh, the grace reaching out for me
      How can it be, how can it be?

      You plead my cause, you right my wrongs
      You break my chains, you overcome
      You gave your life to give me mine
      You say that I am free
      How can it be, how can it be?

    • #14306
      kin
      Sudionik

      When every step is so hard to take
      And all of my hope is fading away
      When life is a mountain that I cannot climb
      You carry me, Jesus, carry me

      You are strength in my weakness
      And You are refuge I seek
      You are everything in my time of need
      You are everything, You are everything I need

      When every moment is more than I can take
      And all of my strength is slipping away
      And every breath gets harder to breathe
      You carry me, Jesus, carry me

      You are strength in my weakness
      And you are refuge I seek
      You are everything in my time of need
      You are everything, You are everything I need

      You, You are everything I need
      I love everything about You

      You are strength in my weakness
      You are refuge I seek
      You are everything in my time of need
      You are everything, You are everything

      You are strength in my weakness
      And you are refuge I seek
      You are everything in my time of need
      You are everything, You are everything I need

      Everything, You are everything I need

    • #14307
      kin
      Sudionik

      I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
      But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
      The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
      That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

      But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
      That there will be a place with no more suffering

      There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
      There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
      Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
      But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

      I know the journey seems so long
      You feel you’re walking on your own
      But there has never been a step
      Where you’ve walked out all alone

      Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
      ‘Cause joy and peace he brings
      And the beauty that’s in store
      Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

      But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
      There will be a place with no more suffering

      There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
      There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
      Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
      But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

      I can’t wait until that day where the very one
      I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
      To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame
      And misery, this is why, this is why I sing

      There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
      There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
      Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

      There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
      There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
      Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

      There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the tears,
      He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears

      There will be a day

    • #14308
      kin
      Sudionik

      Everybody falls sometimes
      Gotta find the strength to rise
      From the ashes
      And make a new beginning

      Anyone can feel the ache
      You think it’s more than you can take
      But you’re stronger
      Stronger than you know

      Don’t you give up now
      The sun will soon be shining
      You gotta face the clouds
      To find the silver lining

      I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
      Hope that doesn’t ever end
      Even when the sky is falling
      I’ve seen miracles just happen
      Silent prayers get answered
      Broken hearts become brand new
      That’s what faith can do

      It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
      Impossible is not a word
      It’s just a reason
      For someone not to try

      Everybody’s scared to death
      When they decide to take that step
      Out on the water
      It’ll be alright

      Life is so much more
      Than what your eyes are seeing
      You will find your way
      If you keep believing

      I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
      Hope that doesn’t ever end
      Even when the sky is falling
      I’ve seen miracles just happen
      Silent prayers get answered
      Broken hearts become brand new
      That’s what faith can do

      Overcome the odds
      You don’t have a chance
      (That’s what faith can do)
      When the world says you can’t
      It’ll tell you that you can

      I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
      Hope that doesn’t ever end
      Even when the sky is falling
      And I’ve seen miracles just happen
      Silent prayers get answered
      Broken hearts become brand new
      That’s what faith can do
      That’s what faith can do

      Even if you fall sometimes
      You will have the strength to rise

    • #14309
      kin
      Sudionik

      Why did I have a second thought?
      I was focusing on a problem and not on God.

      Why didn’t I trust God?
      I wanted to fix the problem quickly.
      I can see a problem but not a solution, I start to feel insecure and my confident drops. I want more money.

      God says I am the way
      I wanted to do it my way, my way was more familiar, predictable and quicker.

      Believing in something I cannot see. This was not taught in school.
      School taught us to depend on knowledge and self -will.

      When I focus on the problem, it can suddenly grow in strength and magnified many times and turn into fear, it can shake my confident and my trust in God, I can become impatient, anxious and panic, in the worst scenario, it could make me press the self-destruction button.

      When I lost my focus on God, I make it harder for me to give up my self-will, it become so tempting to take back the control

      What can I do?
      Seeking God daily, praying to God, reading and listening to his words every day helps to refocus and grow in faith and strength. Thank you Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and Holy spirit for everything.

      Our Father in heaven,
      may your name be kept holy.
      May your Kingdom come soon.
      May your will be done on earth
      as it is in heaven.
      Give us today the food we need,
      and forgive us our sins,
      as we have forgiven those who sin against us.
      And don’t let us yield to temptation,
      but rescue us from the evil one.
      In Jesus’s name I pray.
      Amen!

    • #14310
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      Our family maid has return to Indonesia for a 2 weeks holiday and I had to apply 2 weeks leave to look after mum.

      I have been using this opportunity to bring her out everyday to different places to try out different type of expensive food I used to pamper myself. Sometimes it can be very costly for a meal.

      It is eating into my small saving very fast.
      At this rate, it is possible to lose up to 50% of my little saving

      Honestly I did show sign of weakness, when I shift the focus on myself and my money running out fast, I can feel the pinch and something else… is it feeling of fear ? it definitely trigger my thought to grow my money by gambling.

      When I woke up today, I was refocus, my God and love ones take centre stage, the picture is very clear. What I am doing was an act of love for my 85 years old mum and a sacrifice. I am giving away my love, I am not going to gamble to make up the financial loss due to spendings.

      God’s Grace is sufficient.
      I will receive my salary in 2 weeks time, my small saving will be top up. Trust God.

      I was still amaze by God’s power, I read His scripture and words in the bible, I obey and follow, I start to see myself receiving His Grace and doing the right things.

      In recovery, this has been say many times, giving up my self will, I cannot He can, do His will.

      Only when the old me dies, can the new life begin.

      Miracles do happen!

      Thank you Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, keeping me safe!

    • #14311
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      Thoughts
      my mind has been planning / contemplating for the last few days , if I had gone ahead to exercise my self will – I would have lost SGD1000 dollars today. The outsider won, the hot favourite lost the bet. It really sound and look almost impossible to me but it did.

      I could have got myself into trouble again if I did not have a God or a recovery programme. I sounded so convincing to myself, it sound like it was the right thing to do.

      Feelings
      feel like this money don’t belong to me anymore.
      no matter how careful and patient I can be, I can still lose the money in the end if I gamble.
      feel that the Holy Spirit led me to do the right things when I was tempted, it has improve the quality of my life.

      it is a fact that trials and temptations will come again and again in this life, I am made of flesh and human, I am not perfect and can be weak, I feel that I will continue to face life ‘s trials ,temptation and continue to be tested, this is another example, trials and temptations tried to pull me away to do the wrong thing and I want to do it. I had to depend on a Higher Power to be safe. I cannot, He can.

      Actions
      use this money to do right, not in my eye but in the eye of God.
      I have to exercise giving up my self will more often and get used to following God’s will as mention in the scriptures.
      ( I have to think of myself less and think of God and love ones more )

      I could not lie about my thoughts and feelings in the last few days. I have wrote them all down in here.
      The professional always encourage us to be mindful / to increase our awareness; you can think about it, feel it, but you don’t have to do it / act it out etc. cognitive behavioural therapy and rational emotive behavioural therapy, this is another example.
      this is the advantage of writing down all my thoughts, feelings and action in a journal. Thank you GT.

      Instead of having zero dollars and nothing to look after my mum. I still have my hard earn SGD1000 dollars with me, I do not need to be desperate and borrow.

      Another 10 days before the maid return.

    • #14312
      kin
      Sudionik

      By Billy Graham • February 20, 2006
      “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23).
      In Jesus’ day, a cross was a symbol of suffering, and we all have trials and afflictions that may be very hard for us to bear—even with God’s help.
      But Jesus meant something far deeper than this when He told His disciples to carry their cross.
      In Jesus’ day, a cross wasn’t just a symbol of pain and suffering; it was mainly a symbol of death.
      What Jesus was telling them is that they needed to put to death their own plans and desires, and then turn their lives over to Him and do His will every day.
      “Anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:27).
      He calls on us to commit our whole lives to Him—to trust Him alone for our salvation, and then to follow Him as His disciples.
      Have you put to death your own plans and committed yourself to His will for your life?

    • #14313
      kin
      Sudionik

      2 Corinthians 12:7-10
      The apostle Paul gives an account of the method God took to keep him humble,
      and to prevent his being lifted up above measure, on account of the visions and revelations he had.

      We are not told what this thorn in the flesh was,
      whether some great trouble, or some great temptation.

      The enemies hide our pride from us.

      If God loves us, he will keep us from being exalted above measure;
      Spiritual burdens are ordered to cure spiritual pride.

      This thorn in the flesh is said to be a messenger of Satan which he sent for evil;
      but God designed it, and overruled it for good.

      If an answer be not given to the first prayer, nor to the second, we are to continue praying.
      Troubles are sent to teach us to pray; and are continued, to teach us to continue instant in prayer.

      Though God accepts the prayer of faith, yet he does not always give what is asked for:
      as he sometimes grants in wrath, so he sometimes denies in love.

      When God does not take away our troubles and temptations,
      he gives grace enough for us, we have no reason to complain.

      Grace signifies the good-will of God towards us,
      and that is enough to enlighten and enliven us,
      sufficient to strengthen and comfort in all afflictions and distresses.

      His strength is made perfect in our weakness.
      Thus his grace is manifested and magnified.
      When we are weak in ourselves, then we are strong in the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ;
      when we feel that we are weak in ourselves, then we go to Christ, receive strength from him, and enjoy most the supplies of Divine strength and grace.

    • #14314
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      As I do a short reflection, I notice the recent temptation I had was due to the stress
      Stress not from my the addictions or debts, this part was either manageable or a history,
      It was stress from the additional work load or burden at work and the responsibility of looking after my elderly mother.

      Why do I habitually risk complicating matter by gambling?
      Why do I want to add more problem to the one I already have now?
      On paper, it just does not made sense, I have lost my common sense, my thoughts is clearly distorted.

      What have change during this time?
      My situation has improves a lot now and not troubled by the debts and my addictions.
      I still attend the same activities to keep myself safe.

      What I don’t understand about myself was….
      If I am in deep troubles, I knew only strong faith and trust in God can pull me out. The heavy burden and constant pain remind me to look to God for relief.
      My situation has improves, some burden and pain are not there anymore now, so the constant reminder and hunger to look to God was taken away now.
      Slowly my mind loses its focus, I start to listen to my thoughts and its plan,
      I start to look at my feelings, and its anxiety and fear,
      I start to seriously look at my desire to fix / correct it immediately and carry out my own will,

      I have now notice that the constant pain from the suffering has actually help me kept in constant focus on God.
      However, it is becoming a new challenge for me now, the 12 steps recovery programme call this complacent,
      I also remember the common saying among friends in GA,AA and NA, that EGO also stands for Edge God Out.

      back to the drawing board, I will work harder!

    • #14315
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I am going to motivate myself to work harder and connect to God.

      I am going to jog again. ( since 14th July 2015)

    • #14316
      vera
      Sudionik

      Great reflection , Kin.
      Sometimes , when things are going well, we forget our need for God. In our need, we come to Him.
      The Good News is…..
      He never forgets us!! He holds us in the palm of His Hand.

    • #14317
      kin
      Sudionik

      ~ (Morning) ~

      Dear Diary,

      A recovering person want to stay stop and want to gamble / drink alcohol / take drug too

      it is set up to fail, you can only have one, you can never get both

      ~ (afternoon) ~

      Dear diary,

      After my jog as I was slowly walking home, during this quiet time alone, with God.

      I receive this message

      No one can serve two masters.
      I either serve God or myself
      It is still about doing God ‘s will and giving up my will.

    • #14318
      kin
      Sudionik

      Step 4
      Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
      How It Works
      ……Taking commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values.
      We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.
      -A.A. Big Book p.64

      … Step Four will help us toward our recovery more than we imagine. Most of us find that we were neither as terrible, nor as wonderful, as we supposed. We are surprised to find that we have good points in our inventory. Anyone who has some time in the Program and has worked this step will tell you that the Fourth Step was a turning point in their life. …..We are trying to free ourselves of living in old, useless patterns. We take the Fourth Step to gain the necessary strength and insight which enables us to grow.
      Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter 4/Step 4

      —————————————-
      Dear diary,
      I want to attend the church service at 7am, I need to wake up at 5am today.
      Thoughts
      I woke up but tell myself I am very tired,
      I could not sleep last night,I only manage to sleep at 3.30am

      Feelings
      I feel tired from lack of sleep and body aches from the jog.
      I focus on the tiredness and aches / pain
      The more I focus on that the more I feel like going back to sleep
      Action
      I went back to sleep

      This is me, I am imperfect,
      My desire to sleep was more important than meeting God.
      I have a big problem here. I still have a problem with letting go of my self-will completely
      I need to work harder in this area.

      The daily slow jog I just started and quiet time is helping me.
      The deep thoughts as I am walking home from the park after the jog really peel off my outer layer, strip my mask and reveal who I really was inside.
      I am going to attend the 7pm church service and pray later.
      I fed my desire and push God aside today, I must pray to God for forgiveness and help.

      Does my actions show that I was complacent in recovery or was I ungrateful to God or was it just a case of bad habit ?

      ——————————————-

      I have seen the Grace and Mercy given to me by God.
      I was able to buy sis and mum a decent lunch from the restaurant immediately after I woke up. I used to reserve those money for my gambling capital. Everything changes now.
      I want to pray and give thanks to God for that and all the love given to my family.

      —————————————

      I just return from the evening church service, the pastor says that we all have a choice;

      we can choose between the pain of discipline
      or the pain of consequences.

    • #14319
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I am enjoying my recovery this time round like I never did before in the past.

      Enjoying recovery does not mean there is no trial and temptation during this period of clean times, infact the numbers is adding up over time but the truth was the anxiety level I experience from them now is really very low compare to the old days.

      Bible Verses about Trials And Tribulations

      Matthew 4:1-10
      Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.
      And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. And the tempter came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread.”

      But he answered, “It is written,

      “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” ……..

      ——————————————————————–

      deep thoughts……..I found my answer

      There will be times in life when I do actually have the power to do it, it could be a gamble, it could be a woman, it could be work related….It will feed my human desires and flesh, should I do it ? Why shouldn’t I ?

      In Matthew 4:1-10
      Jesus has the power to change stones to bread
      but He did not
      Instead He answered,” it is written
      “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word
      that comes from the mouth of God.’” ……..

      Praise God!

    • #14320
      p
      Sudionik

      I am so glad you are going well. You have found what works for you and what a difference its made to your life. The kin of years ago was different, you have changed so much more positively for yourself.

      P

    • #14321
      kin
      Sudionik

      miracle do happen!

      finally we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
      this did not happen overnight, both you and me have fallen and stood up, fallen again and stood up again until we have lost counts over the many years but we keep on trying, many in here are our witness.

      and dearest P, thank you for being there

      Anyone new reading this, I pray that you will keep on trying

      there was this saying, “Don’t quit before the miracle happens.”

      miracle do come true, everyday to someone, somewhere in the world but it only happen to the one who keep on trying

      God bless all the brothers and sisters in here

      GA – 12 steps recovery programme; ” I cannot, we can”
      Faith based recovery programme – “I cannot, HE can”

    • #14322
      kin
      Sudionik

      While he didn’t say what sin he committed,

      King David engaged in a public conversation about his struggles. He even put them into song.

      “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away,” he wrote (Ps. 32:3 niv).

      So he said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord” (v. 5).

      When David confessed his sin, he found peace and healing that inspired him to worship God.

      Our process of writing deep personal story has brought us closer than ever. God loves to exchange our guilt, shame, and isolation for His forgiveness, courage, and community!

      Do we need to make an exchange with God, one of guilt for forgiveness? He is listening.

    • #14323
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I was so full of myself, I need a relapse to wake me up and push me to work harder in recovery.

      My relapse led me to God, my new experience and close relationship with God gave me the freedom from the slavery and bondage of addictions that I have been seeking all these years.

      You are my Savior, You are the Lord Almighty. Thank you Lord!

      “ For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God.” ( Romans 3:23).

      Heavenly Father, search me and know my heart, test me and know my dishonest, self-deceiving and anxious thoughts. Help me God and lead me in the right way in Jesus name I pray. Amen!

    • #14324
      kin
      Sudionik

      Recovery and relapse:

      Many people think that recovery is simply a matter of not gambling, drinking, drugging, overeating, overworking and sex to name a few.

      They consider a relapse a sign of complete failure, and long periods of abstinence a sign of complete success.

      We in the recovery program have found that this perception is too simplistic.

      After a member has had some involvement in our fellowship, a relapse may be the strong and shocking experience that brings about a more rigorous application of the program.

      By the same token we have observed some members who remain abstinent for long periods of time whose dishonesty and self-deceit still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery.

      Although all addicts are basically the same in kind, we do, as individuals, differ in degree of sickness and rate of recovery.

      There may be times when a relapse lays the groundwork for complete freedom.

      At other times that freedom can only be achieved by a determine willingness to hang on to abstinence, come hell or high water, until a crisis passes.

      An addict who by any means can lose, even for a time, the need or desire to use, and has free choice over impulsive thinking and compulsive action, has reached a turning point that may be the decisive factor in his recovery.

      The feeling of true independence and freedom hangs here at times in the balance.

      To step out alone and run our own lives again draws us to a Higher Power, we have depended on a Higher Power greater than ourselves to succeed.

      ——————————————-

      Many times in our recovery, the old bugs will haunt us.

      Life may again become meaningless, monotonous, and boring.

      We may tire mentally in repeating our new ideas

      We may tire physically in our new activities,

      Yet we know that if we fail to repeat them we will surely take up our old practices.

      We suspect that if we do not use what we have, we will lose what we have.

      These times are often the periods of our greatest growth.

      Our minds and bodies seem tired of it all, yet the dynamic forces of change or true conversion, deep within, may be working to give us the answers that alter our inner motivations and change our lives.

      Recovery as experienced through God or the Twelve Steps is our goal, not mere physical abstinence.

      People with closed mind; stubborn ignorant and arrogant :-

      To improve ourselves takes effort, since there is no way in the world to make a closed mind do anything, an opening must be made somehow.

      Since we can do this only for ourselves, we need to recognize two of our seemingly inherent enemies, apathy and procrastination.

      Our resistance to change seems built in, and only a nuclear blast of some kind will bring about any alteration or initiate another course of action. A relapse (if we survive it) may provide the charge for the demolition process.

      A relapse and sometimes subsequent death of someone close to us can do the job of awakening us to the necessity for vigorous personal action.

    • #14325
      kin
      Sudionik

      What addicts have in common is not the same drug of choice but a physical craving and mental obsession for mood-altering substances or behaviors.

      Addiction is their shared problem and powerlessness is their common ground

      “Addicts have an obsession with drugs or behaviors that forces them to use against their will,”

      “We have lost our choice to use or not use drugs or behaviors of choice. We continue to use despite the negative consequences of our addiction. We can cry, promise and swear, but we use again.

      GA,NA,AA,SLA,OA restores our choice, just for today.”

      Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.

    • #14326
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      Think it was a good thing
      If I had started jogging earlier right from the start in the last few months when I was focusing on my repayment plans and staying total abstinence, I may be doing too many things at the same time. I was afraid that I would crumble under all the weight and stress.

      After jogging for the last 10 days, it was not a bad idea to be kind to my body
      go slow and not push too hard.
      At my age and size, it was taxing and tiring to my body.
      The body is aching all over and it is stressing me mentally every night because I have not been doing this for a long time and my body is not season or used to it yet. I can feel the pain now and it is very difficult to focus on other things….haha

      But a most welcome one now without the burden of my addiction and debt issue. The pain and stress should be manageable and I should be able to stay clean.

      I have been focusing in my spiritual, emotional, mental and financial health lately and neglected my physical health in the last 2 years, it is time to work hard on the exercise but I am going to be mindful and be kind to this old body.

      I read that to be totally healthy, my spirit must be in alignment with God, while my mental, emotional and physical well-being must also be sound. The physical health of a person will go a long way to determine his/her quality of life.

      I have a choice
      I can choose between the pain of discipline now
      Or the pain of consequences later

      My journey continues
      Work in progress!

    • #14327
      bettie
      Sudionik

      Your words are the right words at the right time.
      Just for today I did not self destruct. I took my mother out to do something she enjoys.Recovery one day at a time. Glorious

    • #14328
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear Bettie,

      You’ re most welcome! Am glad you see the light.

      Praise The Lord!

      Blessings

      Kin

    • #14329
      p
      Sudionik

      Wow please never stop posting, I am selfish, I love your posts, you make me think. I loved the part about relapse then the period of abstinence how we view those, how they affect us, it’s true it’s doom and gloom when we relapse and such celebration in abstinence but yes maybe relapse should just be our learning tool that propels us to recovery it’s sometimes just part of it

      P

    • #14330
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      It was a pleasure to witness the Holy Spirit leading me and not me at the steering wheel
      I would like to punt SGD 800 on sports
      It happen 4 times, the last time was today
      1 Peter 5:8
      Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

      Each time the Holy Spirit led me to do other things
      there was no big struggle or heavy anxieties to do wrong.
      Thank God! These words of God has kept me safe again.

      In Matthew 4:1-10
      Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.
      And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry.
      And the tempter came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God,
      command these stones to become loaves of bread.”
      Jesus has the power to change stones to bread but He did not
      Instead He answered,” it is written
      “‘Man shall not live by bread alone,
      but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

      4 times, if I had proceed with the bets, I would have lost.

      John 8:32 ESV
      And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

      I will not gamble.
      I trust God 100%.
      God ‘s Grace is enough

    • #14331
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      The very first thing I felt when I woke up today was the pain from the body aches;
      on the leg, hip bone and lower stomach. These come from the daily slow jog a walk I started since 14th July.
      I have step up my spiritual, physical growth, and recovery.
      I have some clean time in the bag now, am stronger ; is ready for it now and not be complacent.
      Even though the body aches was expected, it still feels very painful, but I am not fleeing this time, I am ready to face it now, accept it and live with this temporily suffering; pain, stress and discomfort.
      I wouldn’t encourage myself to do this right from the start anymore but I remember in my early journal way back in 2008, right from the start , jogging was part of my every comeback early recovery package. Now I am seriously considering whether it was such a good idea at all.
      Imagine I was working on my spiritual, emotional, mental and financial health plus work matters and family relationship, throw in the exercise to build up the physical health. Does it look like one is doing too much? Is it becoming a baggage and burden. Under those situations, I feel that it either made a person stronger if he survive all these experiences or it would be too much weight and can pull the person down, am I setting myself to fail right from the beginning if I do too much.
      The pain and stress from the exercise are a major distraction. In the beginning it was almost unbearable, I can feel my mind drifting all the time daily.
      The need to find relieve from the body ache/ pain and stress in the form of those sports I love to read is getting more frequent. Writing journal at times is helpful but I cannot be writing all the times whole day round.
      I do feel that I am not alone now.
      I can feel that I am receiving more messages from my Higher Power in the form of Bible verses during these challenging times that has strengthen and not weaken me in recovery.
      It has brought me to a whole new level of understanding about receiving God’s Grace.
      I talk about not feeling the pain from my addiction and debt anymore after things has improve. Praise God !
      The physical exercise is bringing me a different kind of pain and stress, but my brain cannot differential the different type of pain and stress, mental emotional and physical pain and stress to my brain looks the same. When there is pain, my brain automatically look for relief.
      I am learning to accept the healthy pain and stress now, at least it was not those pain and suffering after hitting rock bottom, these are good and healthy ones. Yes, it still feel very painful and can be a trigger but not a valid excuse.
      “rejoice in suffering in the name of Jesus” says Apostle Peter
      I have attended a 12 steps recovery program workshop yesterday, again the facilitator talk about people who get into trouble when they focus on problem and not solution.
      In my God centered recovery, It was about working hard to focus on God and not the pain and stress.
      It was still about seeking and focusing on God ODAAT
      The stronger the pain, the more suffering from the stress, the closer I go to God for help, relief and comfort.
      I am mindful and believe one day when I mature as a follower of Christ, I will not need these pain and suffering to remind me but right now, take away all the pain, I am afraid I will forget God and drift away.
      Heavenly Father, I thank you for everything you have given me in the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen!

    • #14332
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I do not want to be dishonest about my clean days.
      I do not want to be total abstinence in all form of addiction and slavery of money, only to be dishonest about my thought and desire to gamble if I had any. They are cancerous.

      Imagine
      They say I was honest when I confess to my sponsor after I gamble. Do you call this honesty? Why didn’t I confess and be honest to him about the thoughts before it turn into action. My sponsor cannot intervene after it happen.

      Who am I kidding? Who am I deceiving ? Am I dishonest in not telling the truth?

      How was I dishonest? How do I deceive myself ?
      Since I am not gambling, I do not need to tell them.
      they never ask so I do not have to tell. it was not my fault.

      These dishonest and self-deceiving acts will not help us grow straight properly
      One day this tumor or cancer will grow bigger and stronger
      The strength to gamble will be stronger than the strength not to gamble.
      The gambling thoughts will thus turn into action.

      Imagine again
      This time I was honest and confess to my sponsor that I have been having gambling thoughts lately.
      I may be gambling free for many days but I have thought about placing the next bet recently.
      These gambling thoughts can lead to action and can wipe out all the gambling free days.
      These thoughts could be triggered by some new events, they happen for a reason, and it could be due to many things. It is time to sit down with the sponsor and work it out, clean it out of the system. Most importantly not forgetting to seek God and pray hard.

      I shouldn’t be dishonest and feed the addiction
      I must be honest about my thoughts, and feed my recovery.

      Relapse prevention and intervention

    • #14333
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      Had a long talk with my sponsor about my dishonest and self-deceiving gambling thoughts on Sunday night. Told him how it became more frequent after I started exercising and experiencing stress from the body ache/ pain. How we both agree that when I feel stress or pain, my brain automatically look for relief or self-medication, I wanted to turn to gambling this time, hopefully next time I will learn to find relief from the stress or pain the healthy way.
      This meeting has help me process my thought, feeling and emotion about the gambling thoughts, I accept its presence which is habitual, but I don’t have to follow my thought and feeling to gamble everytime I feel stress from the exercise. One day when my body get used to the exercise and the stress is gone, the gambling thought and feeling will go away too.
      I do not want to keep the thought inside me and pretend it isn’t there, I don’t wish to risk allowing this dangerous thought to grow bigger and stronger, I don’t want to turn the thought into action so I took it out by confessing to my sponsor and God and let it die.
      I can feel that the thought to gamble and the anxiety from it has weaken further on Monday and today after that meeting, feeling more at peace and calm now.

      Anyway, 2 weeks has passed. Our family maid has return from her trip to Indonesia. Life at home is back to normal. It is back to work for me again.

    • #14334
      p
      Sudionik

      Ell done on all your reflection, soul searching and using what works for you. You have found the tools and the way to help your recovery, I’m proud of you kin, yes, all the way from across the seas!

      P

    • #14335
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear P,
      Hope all is well with you.
      I have read my journals, and learnt from all my past events that stress:
      from my work, debts, scalp eczema, caring for mum, pain due to exercise, relationship matters, the hot weather here, mood swing from depression can all cause gambling thoughts in me out of nowhere.

      The truth is that we don’t generate thoughts,
      the mind does. It’s on auto mode most of the time.

      We are not our thoughts.
      We are not our emotions.
      We are the soul inhabiting the human body that is having those thoughts and emotions.

      With a little practice, we can be good at watching thoughts
      and not involving ourselves with them.
      Thoughts die immediately when they are deprived of this fuel of interest.

      The thoughts in our mind gain power from our attention and interest.
      Our attention is the fuel for our mind.
      Stop giving power to thoughts by not giving them our interest.

      Blessings

      Kin

    • #14336
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      Why did I stay stop ?
      How to stay stop ?
      What to do to stay stop?
      Where to go to stay stop?
      Who can help me stay stop?
      When do I start to stay stop?

    • #14337
      kin
      Sudionik

      The trouble is no matter how hard we try, we will still not be perfect.

      “ for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” Roman 3:23

      define sin as missing the mark, missing God ‘s standard of righteousness

      Consequences of Sin

      The Lord says to the prophet Ezekiel, “The soul who sins is the one who will die.
      The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father shares the guilt of the son” Ezekiel 18:20
      However, the Lord does not “take any pleasure in the death of the wicked” but is
      “pleased when they turn from their ways and live” Ezekiel 18:23

      LOVE
      God ‘s perfect love causes him to be merciful to those who recognize their sin and turn back to him. Do not think that your sin is too big or great for God to forgive!

      Where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so the Grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Roman 5:20-21

      Through the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, we not only receive forgiveness for all our sins, but also healing of our diseases Psalm 103:3

      Evidence: The healing at the Pool ( John 5:1-9)

      Do you want to get well ? verse 6

      Get up!

      “Pick up your mat and walk” verse 8

      See, you are well again.

      Stop sinning

      Or something worse may happen to you” (John 5:14)

      Decision and Action
      Our life is an open book!

      God has given us the free will to choose before us today
      Blessing and curse

      Blessing if you obey the commands of the Lord, and curse ( consequences of sin ) if we disobey ( Deuteronomy11: 26-28)

      Those who attempt to deny their sin or keep it hidden
      rather than acknowledge, confess and forsake their sin will make no spiritual progress in life.

      God ‘s perfect love causes him to be merciful to those who recognize their sin and turn back to him. Do not think that your sin is too big or great for God to forgive!

      “If you listen carefully to the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in his eye, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the disease I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, who heals you “ Exodus 15:26

      The Lord says ” I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security…I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and forgive all their sins of rebellion against me” Jeremiah 33:6-8

      Jesus said ” Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest” Mathew 11:28

      “ Seek his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you as well” Mathew 6:33

      “if you know the truth, the truth will set you free John 8:32

    • #14338
      kin
      Sudionik
    • #14339
      p
      Sudionik

      How are things for you today? I am glad you are strong in your recovery now, your faith has really helped you. What a difference to the kin I knew here years back. You have grown so much.
      Hope you have a good week kin!

      P

    • #14340
      kin
      Sudionik

      Hi P,
      Thank you for writing to me.
      I was finding it hard and difficult to put thoughts and feelings into writing recently in the last 4 weeks.
      I was experiencing a “not perfect” time in recovery.

      I cannot understand why and what happen after a wonderful 6 months of total abstinent.
      There were many different type of stress during this period, I recognize each stress have the potential and ability / power to trigger thoughts to go back to old familiar ways for quick fix.
      Changes was taking place in many areas in my life in the last few weeks, I was trying to adapt to them in the best possible ways.

      I cannot understand why the thoughts and feeling to feed my flesh was growing stronger after staying total abstinent for more than 180 days, I was thinking of myself more and more and not less suddenly recently. The devil make me doubt myself.

      I find myself growing sicker by the days in the soul denying myself from my desires and plans (different temptations).
      I felt fear and was getting impatient and discontented with having lesser and lesser money from my spending on living expenses. I wish I had more and took back the control.

      I had an episode of slips.
      I was watching myself closely, I saw me losing myself gradually slowly.
      I felt something this time, there was a Higher Power in my life, can feel something holding me in the fall and keeping me safe. I cannot hear God but can feel God was there.
      I could stop but I have question why I don’t want to deny myself and put to death my desires and plans immediately after doing it for more than 180 days.
      Why the sudden change in my behaviors after being so faithful in the last 6 months.

      I do not have the answer.

      I think I don’t need to know anymore, I just need to continue to trust God.
      Believing that God will provide me sufficient and have faith in God.
      I need to be patient and wait for God’s timing for everything.

      My new shift at work have begun and I have settled down now.
      Since 16th Aug 2015, my shift start at 7pm and end at 7 am.
      I am reading God’s words again, I am resting and sleeping well again
      I had return to slow jogging to relax.
      I am slowly getting back and more connected now .

      There is no denying that I have gained some strength, more peace and happiness from staying abstinent for 180 days and it is also not a joke but a sad and shocking truth that It may only take 18 seconds for me to lose everything back and self-destruct.
      I was very fortunate I did not suffer any financial losses and was not speeding away to self-destruction.

      A reality check now shows my relationship with people, work, finance is better than a month ago.
      I need to get closer to God, I was definitely backsliding lately and becoming more self-centered and less God-centered in life.
      I am taking small steps in my slow jog and having lots of fun and joy, do it for another year or two, am sure my health will improve and my weight will correct itself.
      I have come a long way, life has improve

      Thank you God.

      My journey continues……..

    • #14341
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I am very glad that life is returning back to normal.
      No more craving and strong urges from a few weeks back

      It was so disturbing and disruptive to normal life
      living become a struggles
      losing my peace, calm, gratitude, contentment and patience.

      Now that my mind is clearer
      I can see the importance and it is now an opportunity for me
      to work on and build up more peace, calm, gratitude, contentment and patience.
      I will never know when I will be tapping on them again during struggling times.

      The 6 months of total abstinence lifestyle; denying my desires and plans have definitely help me build up some more strength that kept me safe during the bad times.

      I shall not be too disappointed with no being able to keep up with the near perfect recovery days I chalk up – it was like a honeymoon, it was sweet.

      I just woke up after a long sleep feeling well rested and refresh. I felt something today which I hope, is not a form of self-deceit or an excuse. I have a thought that I should be grateful and be rejoicing and celebrating recovery.

      I have just experience the benefit of staying abstinence
      It has help me build up strength and resistance to say No or walk away from temptations.
      There will come a day sometime in the future when I need to dig deep for these qualities to keep me safe from total self-destruction.
      When I slip, it was this strength that help me stop and get me back up to my senses quickly and continue my journey forward in recovery instead of falling deeper into an endless hole.

      I continue to thank God every day but I had also ask God for help, and many ”Why” questions during those struggling time. One thing stood out from that experience, I can try but I am human and made of flesh. I am not perfect.

      Having other health conditions just make it this much tougher, when the health was not good, the level of stress I felt was that much more stronger. My mind became irrational, I was going to do the wrong thing but hoping that things will turn out alright. I was aware I took back the steering wheel from God. In recovery, they call this insanity.

      Self-centeredness has creeped into my life and squeezing out the God-centered lifestyle.

      I felt that God was there but I didn’t pray to God to do HIS will, I pray to God to do my will, I ask God to make the craving go away, I ask God to help me, I want things to be the same like the last few months, I don’t want my recovery to get tougher. I ask God not to let me lose my peace and happiness but the bad feelings did not go away and I continue to struggle. I did not want to struggle and suffer.

      I have ask myself why did I want to give up all the beautiful things I had receive from God now for something that was a lie, end of the day I do it anyway. I slip.

      I slip yet I do not wish this to turn into a relapse, because I was afraid to lose everything, been there done that many times. It was a scary, painful and dark period.

      I wanted to update my journal and write about my thoughts and feelings honestly everyday but I struggle, the thoughts are messy and not flowing….

      Then God ‘s word and messages suddenly kept coming in fast in the last 2 weeks again through the things I read and hear, when the messages return, I felt very reassured, Miss P thoughtful post also came in at this time.

      I knew God was always there, but I was struggling to hear HIM, I had continue to read and hear his words but nothing get rooted deep inside me, this is something I don’t understand at all.

      Now I learn that I need to wait, wait for God’s timing not mine. I must learn to do God’s will not mine.

      I feel all relax and relief now. I do not have to claimed near perfect recovery days now , I am happy. I have come a long way since 5 Feb 2015.

      I could have relapse from the latest slip, I could be hurting.
      I had wanted to do all the bad things but I didn’t.
      I actually went ahead to do the bad things, something stop me many times.

      I only want to continue to seek God and work on my recovery now.
      All this is not possible without the Grace of God.
      I must pray to God and ask for forgiveness,
      I have sinned

      I am sure I must have sinned many times in the past and many times not knowing about them and I didn’t have the awareness and mindfulness to ask God to forgive me.

      As I read my thoughts and feeling here before I post.
      I found the following;
      I slip but I don’t wish it to turn into a relapse
      I am going to do the wrong thing but was hoping things will turn out all right

      Somewhere in here. I don’t make sense. It looked like I still have reservations.

      Haiz, I need to work my step 4, “make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself”

    • #14342
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      Life is quiet and relaxing now. Thank God.

      The craving is not there today and it was easy to stay clean.

    • #14343
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear Diary,

      I notice that since 16 Aug, I was cautious and afraid, I became very focus on new changes in my life now especially my new daily routine and schedule.

      Priority have been placed on getting enough proper rest and sleep as I am working in the graveyard shift now.

      I have started a new habit since which was doing the relaxing slow jog on my off days.

      Today it daunt on me one of the reason I feel weird was the big changes in my time and routines, I have stop attending those regular support group meetings due to work now and I have also not attended any church service.

      But after 2 weeks, things is slowly taking shape, I am finding a new time to do my usual spiritual reading. Guess next on the list will be finding the available time if any to attend the church service and support group meetings.

      Thank you God for everything. Family is good. Finance is fine. Work was good. Health is picking up.

      I hope I could work harder on my spirituality with God / in recovery / in life which I feel is very lacking now.

      It ‘s been a long time since I post at 7 am local time.

    • #14344
      Liberty
      Sudionik

      It is good to read that due to your work schedule you have recognised the need to change things so that you don’t miss out on how you find and gain support in your life.
      Finding and utilising whatever support we need to fulfil us so that we do not find ourselves slipping back into old destructive habits is crucial, well done on recognising what you need to do to keep you healthy Kin.

    • #14345
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      It is good for me to do a reality check and see where I stand now.
      The truth is strange and scary.
      In such a short time, I found myself losing the confident I had before
      Its been 7 months since 5th Feb 2015 when I was able to do what I have not been able to do in the past by the grace of God.
      The picture is so clear for me to see, now that I have taken back the control, I do not have the same confident that I could achieve what I did in the last 7 months in the coming few.
      Going back to old ways only made me irresponsible and bad at financial obligations. I knew and I am very aware that I am so capable of squandering every cents I earn in many ways, the chief one was gambling. That was the old me and I am predictable in these ways.
      I have experience the benefits of giving up my self-will, the discomfort of denying my desires and my plans and follow Christ. I can see how much good was given to me and felt so much joy, contentment and satisfaction by the grace of God.
      What a world of difference I felt now after I start to feed my flesh, and do what I want.
      Suddenly I cannot see the hopeful future and was no more confident that I will surely do all the same responsible things for the last remaining 4 months of the year.
      Mental relapse have set in, my thoughts and feelings have change. If I did not do anything, my thoughts may turn into actions and I need God to help me now.

      I have a choice and a decision to made.
      It is either I continue to do my will or follow God’s will.
      I am human, even at this moment when I put my thoughts into writing
      I would like to follow God’s will and also do my will at the same time
      but I read God’s word that I can only serve one master

    • #14346
      kin
      Sudionik

      What is my intent?
      For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh.(Roman7:18)
      Enough is enough!
      Living a lil more than one month doing what I want , not what God want.
      I have found out and felt that it is not going to work out
      I do not believe or trust now that I or my self-will is going to make my life any easier when fulfilling life‘s responsibility and obligations.

      Why don’t I continue giving up my self-will and doing God’s will?
      There will be discomfort in the beginning having to say “no” to what the devil want to do but the reward is going to be huge, I will have more peace, joy, gratitude and content.
      All those life‘s responsibilities and obligations, meaningful and important things to me that I wish to do in life, will surely get done with God’s help.
      It is good and convincing enough for me to do it. I will be a happy man

    • #14347
      kin
      Sudionik

      For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

    • #14348
      kin
      Sudionik
    • #14349
      micky
      Sudionik

      Hi kin your self help and willpower is something with which you should be very proud i am very much inspired by it.

    • #14350
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I have procrastinated in the past, I made up my mind that today will be the day dated 15 Sep 2015.
      I have missed almost all the meetings and stop going to recovering places and church since 5th Aug 2015. I have lost focus.

      I felt that I have suddenly became more self-centered and less God centered in my living.
      I knew I am suddenly struggling now.
      I knew God was always here but I no longer have the same connection, I cannot hear and feel God.
      My books are near, I can pick it up but I could not concentrate and absorb the stuff I read and I lost the patient to read too.
      My last resort was playing service by popular pastors on youtube when I go to sleep.

      Anyway back to this day, I told myself it is either today or I will struggle to go back, I just finished my 12 hours shift at 7 am and force myself to visit the recovery drop in center. I reach the place at 8 am, it was not open until 9 am but it is fine, I like to sit one corner quietly enjoy the peace all the time but not today, after 15 minutes I don’t have the patient so I left for the place to get myself a breakfast and come back later.
      After breakfast, as I walk back to the recovery center, I thought to myself that this could be a bad decision, I should go home and sleep after finishing my graveyard shift. I was walking a long the passage way, an elderly beggar caught my attention, he look clean and have a small sling bag beside him, he doesn’t look like a homeless man, he look more like an elderly person who doesn’t have a clear man. It was a busy street with many people rushing to work, I was sure he will get what he wants but I hear me complaining he was hungry. A few person passes by, why didn’t anyone hear him or do anything. I knew it was my calling and I thank God for showing me he was here …thank you God, I bought a packet of food and a bottle of drink and hand it to the elderly man, I was still a little doubtful whether I made a good decision to reach out, maybe he just wanted money. I watch from a distance, I saw him immediately reaching into the plastic bag for the drink and look at the packet of food, I don’t have to watch anymore, I am sure this man really mean what he say when he tell people passing by him in the busy street he was hungry. I thank God for this opportunity do deliver the food to him. I thank God for showing his presence to me.
      A moment ago, I was still telling myself that I could have made a bad decision, I should go home and not the recovering center at this early hour, the whole journey could be a waste of time and effort but after this incident, even if I do not benefit from the visit to the recovery center, this trip have help this elderly man, my visitto the recovery center was not a wasted trip.
      When I reach the recovery center, I met a recovery person I met in year 2006, we sat down and chatted, soon there was 4 of us including the staff there. I can feel the difference immediately after. Here everyone speak the recovery language, talking to them help change my life focus back to my recovery mode, my God, my recovery and not my work, my money. Thank you God!
      Everything happen for a reason. I was very sure if I had not work very hard to stay total abstinence for more than 180 days, I wouldn’t have strength to hold on to my recovery, I wouldn’t have the clear mind and body to feel…..feel the changes taking place in my life.
      I want to follow Christ and his words, I was not perfect in doing so but I will do my best. I need God to give me wisdom to tell me what I can do and what I cannot do.
      I can speak to the professional in psychology or people trained in addiction, they accept relapse as part of addiction, they accept that I am human, I have my needs and it was normal sometime. I shouldn’t beat myself up for doing a normal thing.
      I can still remember the joy and peace I had and enjoy when I give up my self-will and follow God ‘s will. It was a beautiful experience, this is the kind of life I wish to have.
      My journey continues…….

    • #14351
      kin
      Sudionik

      My priority: My obligations and responsibility to my family and future.
      Top priority: % of my salary goes to repaying my debtors now and saving for the future later.
      How I see responsibility and the moral value in it?
      If I am a responsible person, when I have a dollar, top priority for that dollar should be spend on supporting my family and love ones first, and not my repayment plan or gambling.
      After taking care of my family and love ones , that dollar will be use to repay my debtor, and not gambling.
      After my family expenses and other financial obligations and responsibility was taken care of, that dollar can be save up for other important thing such as my old age

      Concern I have:
      Using the money I can afford for investment or gambling since they are not illegal or dishonest, and if they are not morally wrong in doing and not self-destructive in nature. I can understand that a gambling recovery person should not gamble to grow his money, the answer is a clear no as it can potentially made me a very sick person but I still need to make money for livelihood in the end, right? I will continue to pray to God for the wisdom and answer to made the right decision. I will try to be patient, be still and wait.

      Confident found in God:
      I trust God, I read his words, I found hope, I have confident everything will be fine in the end.

      John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

      Strength and confident I received from God.
      Many times now but not all the times, I have found the strength to say no and walk away from gamble, dishonest money and easy money opportunities that could potentially made me pay a heavy price later in life.

      Will I encourage another person or myself to continue and go total abstinence in recovery.
      It is a big Yes!!!

      It was during the long period of total abstinance in recovery that I have grown stronger in mental strength and my mind has become clearer, and my body has become cleaner. It was like a training in the beginning and a healthy lifestyle or a habit later.

      All these training from staying total abstinence has prepared me for the bad days or challenging times like the one I had recently in the last 40 days –(5 Aug to 15 Sep 15)

      I have done ok and walk out of another seasonal bad weather.

      I cannot do it but the recovery group can.
      I could not do it but God can. Thank you God.

    • #14352
      kin
      Sudionik

      Hi Bro and Sis,
      How are you? I was thinking about you, hope all is well.
      Thank you for sharing this wonderful video, I will share it with others.

      1. Between 5th Aug to 15 Sep 2015, while I was adapting to changes at home and work, warning signs show up in my life, I started to experienced urges and craving thoughts and I start to feel and struggle with intense and anxious feelings,the red flag iss up.
      2. I continue to pray to God. Though I knew God was always there but I cannot feel his presence or see the signs that HE is here during this dark time, the experience was so different from the last 6 months when the connection seem stronger.
      3. Soon I stop going to support group meetings and talking to recovering people.
      4. My false pride / grandiosity is affecting me – I slipped and I was afraid of the judgemental and critical people who are quick to criticise any person who have backslide. I am also afraid to disappoint God ‘s faithful followers, I don’t wish to be rejected by them. These behaviours was so unlike me, I survive until now because I learn not to be a people pleaser and my recovery was personal and not co-dependent on them.
      Finally,I have force myself to return to support group meeting and talk to recovery friends about my recent experience and struggle.
      Talking to recovering people, who have practice some form of recovery program for a number of years surprises me, I was very surprise it help me find my focus again, I was surprise it was that easy, I should have talk to them earlier and not do it alone, They seem to understand what I was going thru.
      I choose to speak to the Christian ones and our discussion was center mostly on me feeling guilty and wrong about losing my moral value, doing things that displeases God and giving in to my desires to fix and find the balance in my life. I was confuse, I was impatient , I grab the steering wheel back out of fear, I was afraid if I did not fix it soon, I was losing my mind because my emotion and feelings was going crazy.
      The psychologist make it very clear that I have a choice, what I did was normal. As a Christian, I have sinned and in recovery I have slipped. I am human and not a perfect person, I did not have a perfect Christian and recovery life.
      Praise God! I feel secure and relax again. I am letting go of the steering wheel to God.
      I felt very relieve now, I was very worried and fearful before, I did not know how long this episode is going to last and so afraid that it will go into a full blown relapse but it has come to an end and life is back to normal and I have learn something. Thank God.
      My mental block is all cleared now and the writing is flowing again……

    • #14353
      kin
      Sudionik

      Share this video with someone who is on the verge of giving up or feeling hopeless-

      Now is not the time to give up…
      Your prayers may take time but they are bringing results even if you can’t see them yet!

      It’s time to be relentless in the way we pray because – It’s all about to become clear!

    • #14354
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Kin, sounds like you are geting back on track. Keep focussed and keep doing the things that you know work for you.

    • #14355
      kin
      Sudionik

      “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

      I lost myself for a while –

      “At some point in my recovery recently, I found myself somehow shifted away from trying to align with God to running on self-will. It happen so slowly and subtly that I hardly take it too seriously. It seem as though we are all especially vulnerable to self-will when things are going well.

      I have crossed the fine line that divide humble and honest pursuit from subtle manipulation and force results.

      I find myself going just a little too far. I find myself holding on to something just a little too long.

      I suddenly realize that I have stop attending meeting and contact my sponsor for a while. I start to feel a quiet discomfort that will alerted me to this shift away from recovery”

      Dear diary,
      I was full of gratitude and joy when I work my Step 3 in the last 2 days. The reading in the guidebook describe my thoughts and feelings, and put them into words.

    • #14356
      kin
      Sudionik

      “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

      Making a decision; I honestly did find myself unnerved by the thought of making a decision. I fear the results, I was afraid the outcome will not be what I like, I was afraid because my self-will is always predictable, I always end up gambling. I fear that I cannot deliver the kind of strong & lasting commitments;giving up my self-will for God’s will. I am afraid of failing.

      I did not know that the decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of the God is one we can make over and over again, daily if we need be.

      In fact, we are likely to find that we must make this decision regularly, or risk losing our recovery because of complacency.

      I thought it was one decision only that is suppose to last a lifetime for everyone and I was afraid of failing

    • #14357
      kin
      Sudionik

      “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

      My self-will is predictable

      So what is my self-will? Sometimes its total withdrawal from all other things and isolation in my mind. I end up living a very lonely and self-absorbed existence. Self-will causes me to act / to the exclusion of any considerations / other than what we want. We ignore the needs and feelings of others. We barrel through, stampeding over anyone who question our rights to do whatever we want. We become tornadoes, whipping through the lives of family, friends and even strangers, totally unconscious of the path of destruction we have left behind. If circumstances aren’t to our liking, we try to change them by any means necessary to achieve our aims. We try to get our own way at all costs. We are so busy aggressively pursuing our impulses that we completely lose touch with our conscience and with God.

    • #14358
      kin
      Sudionik

      “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

      Dear diary,

      I am glad to learn in Step 3 that it is more important that we develop a relationship with God.

      We can do this in a variety of ways.

      First, we need to somehow communicate with our God. Some of us call this prayer, and some call it other things. This communication does not have to be formal, or even verbal.

      Second, we need to be open to communication from our God. This may be done by paying attention to how we feel, our reactions, and what is going on inside and around us.

      Or we may have a personal routine that helps us connect with God. It may be our God speaking to us or help us see the right thing to do through his messengers.

      Third, we need to allow ourselves to have feelings about God. We may get angry, we may feel love, and we may feel frightened. We may feel grateful. It is ok to share the entire range of human emotion with our God. This allow us to feel closer to the Power upon which we rely and helps develop our trust in God.

    • #14359
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      As Singapore air pollution reached “hazardous” levels due to suffocating smoke from agricultural fires raging on nearby Indonesian island today.
      I woke up in the evening with a happy problem. I was feeling grateful with the peace I have at home, at work and my financial health now. I did not forget to thank God for today and everything yet I find myself feeling bored after my meal.
      I left home, other than going out for the high from a massage, I don’t know what else I would like to do. While traveling, I am very conscious of my thoughts and feelings. I could deny myself the massage, I can deny my desire. I have good reasons, the money I am going to spend for massage, can actually cover 2 weeks of living expenses if I am thrifty in my spending.
      But I wish and wanted to feed my flesh tonight, I wanted to get a “high” feeling. I justify that I have behave myself for the last few months. I have paid my bills and service my loans promptly, I would like to waste some money pampering myself. I am human,it is normal to be selfish and self-centered.
      “I” would like to drink alcohol or play the slot machine tonight ; kill the boredom and time, something I always do in the past, at this late hours, only the drinking holes is still operating. I had to say no to my heart desires because I am very aware and was afraid to lose my mind totally using alcohol. The barrier set up in the past was working, my self- exclusion sign up has inconvenient me and stop me from using the slot machines at the clubhouse.
      My excuse was convincing, since I cannot go gambling or take alcohol, I should let myself loose in other areas such as a massage which can be very costly with my small earning. I was wary, I was checking myself. If I go ahead with this time, I may do it again and again. That is the tricky part. I would not know how to say “no” to my desires in the future.
      Anyway I was already in the middle of acting out. I reach the massage shop, it was 9.30pm. I walk in, my intention was clear. Inside the shop, to my surprise , there was no one except one staff who was lying there sound sleep on the couch. I didn’t have the heart to wake her up, I walk away and out of the place. This event allow me to change my mind and flee from the place, I tell myself I am not going ahead with the plan.
      I could have woke her up, I could have went to another massage shop but I did not instead I took a bus ride to nowhere, walk and look see for more than 2 hours. I ended up at home safe at 1 am and update this journal.
      I was practicing self-will, I still have a lot to work on when it comes to turning over my will to the care of God. I was able to stay clean today by the grace of God, I am sure the Holy Spirit have led me to do one thing when I want to do another thing tonight.

      Thank you God

      I should not be dissatisfied and discontented at what I don’t have, I should be grateful and happy with what I have ~ I have forgotten all that

    • #14360
      kin
      Sudionik

      In recovery, insanity is often describe as the belief that we can gamble or take something outside ourselves to fix what is wrong inside ourselves – our feeling
      If we have been clean for a while we may find that a whole new level of denial is making it difficult to see the insanity in our lives.

      Recovery is a process, not an event.

      If I am very disappointed with my growth in recovery
      I need to check my expectations
      Am I having unrealistic expectations?
      Do I expect myself to never get angry again in recovery?
      Do I expect myself to behave perfectly all the time in recovery?

      Many of us have discover that we gain the most peace and serenity by letting go
      of any expectation we may have about how our recovery is progressing.

      How and Why define the term restoration to sanity as a point where gambling
      and its accompanying insanity are not controlling our lives.
      We see sanity in our lives when begin developing a perspective that
      allows us to make better decisions.
      We begin to have a maturity and wisdom to slow down and consider
      all aspect of a situation before acting.

      Our lives will change, many of us have no problem identifying the sanity in our lives when we compare:
      Our gambling days to our early recovery
      Our early recovery to some clean time with long term recovery
      All of this is a process
      Our need for a restoration to sanity will change over time.

      When we are new
      Being restored to sanity probably means not having to gamble anymore
      When that happens, some of the insanity that is directly and obviously tied to gambling will stop.

      If we have been in recovery for some time
      We find that we have no problem believing in a Power greater than ourselves that can help us stay clean.

      We may not have considered what a restoration to sanity means to us beyond clean yet.
      As we grow in our recovery, it is very important that our idea of the meaning of sanity also grow.

    • #14361
      vera
      Sudionik

      Brilliant post, Kin
      I just read it on P’s thread too.
      “When we enjoy the scent of a thousand flowers, we won’t miss the fragrance of one”!

    • #14362
      kin
      Sudionik

      High risk situations:
      High-risk situations involve those situations where you find it particularly difficult not to gamble, drink or use drugs or act out your behaviours. High-risk situations include your emotions, thoughts, places, events and people.

      For example:
      “I was starting a new job and I just didn’t want to stuff it up. I was so anxious about it and I didn’t know what was expected of me.” “It was my birthday and they want to celebrate in a restaurant beside the casino. It was to celebrate. I couldn’t say no.”

      Jot down your possible high-risk situations:

      Feelings:
      This includes good and bad moods and boredom. For example:
      “I just got a job, so I had to celebrate.”
      “I was just walking down the street and my creditor came up and started hassling me. I was just so stressed out, I couldn’t cope, so I gamble.”

      Jot down your high-risk feelings:

      Thoughts:
      Your thoughts are those things that say to yourself that make you want to use. For example:
      “I am nothing but a no good gambling addict. I’ll never be able to give up.”
      “It’s just one time. One time won’t hurt, I deserve just one more fun.”

      Jot down your high-risk thoughts:

      People:
      This includes anyone that when you hang around them, makes you want to gamble. It could include your parents, mates, parole officer etc. For example:
      • hanging around with your using mates; and
      • hanging around with people who stress you out.

      Jot down your high-risk people:

      Places:
      For example:
      • places where you used to gamble;
      • places where other people are gambling;
      • suburbs where casino or slot joint is located; and
      • places where you used to gamble.

      Jot down your high-risk places:

      My reasons for change:

    • #14363
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I was glad to return to WeCare recovery drop in center recently and to be in the company of many other recovering addicts. There was a very warmth and familiar feeling of safety at home, trusting relationship between recovering person like family members I felt there.
      They gave me a new realization this time. I saw new recovering persons, their struggle was mine, it was early days struggle to stay total abstinence and free from the bondage of addictions.
      Those with certain period of clean days and long term recovery have found a way that work for their recovery. It doesn’t matter what way or what recovery method they use, it is not important to me anymore but ultimately these group of people found one that work for them, they all realized that recovery life is more than just about staying abstinence, this matter a lot to me now.

      Higher Power in my recovery
      I have been reading about 12 steps recovery program again, it talk about feeling, hearing and listening, look and see, to be sensitive to the Higher Power. It also mention about many who have already experience the Higher Power many times in their recovery and has developed a trust in the program.
      This year was especially rewarding for me, I have been watching myself closely again since 5 Feb 2015, I saw how the Higher Power work in my life and help me do things that I could not do or struggle in the past.
      I was no more trap by most of the insanities addiction has brought into my life that has previously taken deep root in it. For many months now, I did not struggle with servicing bills, this is so unlike me. In the past, I clear my old debts so that I would borrow again to continue my old ways.
      I could feel that it was the Higher Power who was using and helping me to complete those things, I gradually grew less self- centered, and more responsible and caring in many ways.
      Without the presence of a Higher Power in my recovery in the past, everything remains the same for me, I was still depending on my own power, if it works, it only work for a short period and can only help me for this long, end of the day, the outcome and results was always the same, it did not bring me anywhere except more suffering.
      I cannot imagine myself enjoying a normal life, to be able to give away my love to another person unconditionally and to be able to give away my hard earned money to service the money I borrowed willingly and happily, so obliging and responsibily. In the past I was only a taker and not a giver, I was just very selfish.
      I really cannot imagine in the past that I was able to talk to my elderly mum and taking her out more regularly now, I was too busy with my troubles and cleaning up my own mess.
      It was always my sister and brother who was there for mum in time of emergency, who can imagine that I was able to take a few weeks leave off from work to look after her, my sibling was so worried that it may affect my work and I will lose my job again I never had the time and was never financially sound enough to take care of mum, I was able to do all that now.
      I came home yesterday after a 12 hours graveyard shift, my family maid quickly express to me her concern that my mum was having fainting spells when I was not around and she was worried, I decided to buy a wheelchair for mum so that she can be seated and not fall when standing.
      I saw the Higher Power at work again. I wanted to do it not immediately but the next day after I have rested, I was tired but I could feel it, telling me to get the wheelchair immediately and I follow.
      Many times especially this year, I had wanted to do some things but the Higher Power led me to do something else. The Higher Power led me to do something else that kept me safe and clean. Higher Power has helped me to do things now that I used to struggle to do in the past by myself.

      Expectation in my recovery
      “Insanity in Recovery: having unrealistic expectations
      Disease of addition is about wanting more and more.
      Isn’t wanting more an expectation?”

      If someone offer me a suggestion in the past that I could live life like any normal man, to be able to be responsible, accountable, happy and peaceful, but like any normal person, from time to time, I will make mistakes. I will be more than happy and grateful to accept this offer immediately.
      Thinking to myself now why did I work my recovery in the first place?
      It was all because I wanted to break free and walk away from my old self-destructive and irresponsible ways, I wanted all the suffering and pain brought about by the disease of addictions to end, I wished to feel joy, calm, peace in my life and live happily.
      I once thought and expected perfect recovery from myself and everyone in it, thought recovery was all about total abstinence every day forever. I was quick to be critical, judgemental and hard on myself and anyone when we make a mistake. I later realize that this is total insanity in recovery, Man are not perfect being, they are not perfect like God. Why do I accept imperfection in life but perfection in my recovery? This is an unrealistic expectation on me and everyone in it by me.

      Having experience an awakening personally, I am no more hard on myself and don’t punish myself anymore. If I act out, that was if I act out, I hope not and if it happens, this was not an excuse, it is not the end of the world, I will just continue my clean days from where I last stop, the journey continues for me.

      Now I learnt to accept myself for who I am, I am a recovering addict, I am perfect in my imperfect ways and I can love myself this way. I was once a very irresponsible and selfish person but in recovery, I become more responsible , loving and caring and did more responsible, loving and caring things unconditionally now.

      I was convinced by the existence and presence of a Higher Power in recovery. I believe it is necessary to have a Higher Power to work our recovery.
      I cannot, my Higher Power can!
      The day I let go of my unrealistic expectations, I can start living a normal life and gain a whole new freedom, peace and happiness.

      Thank you Higher Power!

    • #14364
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I receive news yesterday that mum need to be warded in the hospital and was there to arrange her admission.
      It was all God timing.
      Sis is outstation on a business trip, brother has his own family to look after, I thank God that I was ready this time and was there for mum. I was grateful to God for this because not so long ago, I was still irresponsible and in a mess. Sis and brother was always there for the family all the times in the past.
      It took a long time admitting mum to the hospital yesterday but everything went fine.
      Mum likes to show everyone that she was considerate and a brave person but when she was hospitalized, she was scared and afraid, and it shows when she talk, she suddenly become very demanding, and not co-operative, she know how to get the best that her children could provide for her.
      Yesterday in another one of her outburst, she was telling me what to do again, but mum who has no formal education did not know the rules in the hospital. She was giving out orders and instructions not knowing that the hospital does not allow her to do them. It looks like she only wants to be heard and not ready to listen to explanation.
      She later start complaining about her maid to me, she tell me she was unhappy that the maid was using her smart phone and notebook all the times, but that was how my maid pass her leisure time when she was free and there was no way she can be surfing the net when she was busy doing her work. Other times, Mum did not know that she was charging her battery at night and complain that she was wasting electricity and money.
      I can see what is happening and I was more concern and focus on consoling her so that she will not be so fearful about her condition than on the other petty little things she has mentioned. Helping mum get well and looking after her, I get healed too.

      Her behaviors triggered me and I get flashback on a very uneasy feeling, one that was hidden at the back of my head, one that I always get from mum when I was young, she was demanding and pushy, not unstanding or considerate at all she will scold and stress me. I can see the picture very clearly now. That was how I was brought up. Even as I write, I could remember times during my younger days, how I would go grab a beer when I have this lousy feeling or to hang out with the wrong company to find relief, it was a bad decision or choice end of the day.

      I pray to God for mum speedy recovery and thank God for everything.

    • #14365
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      Visited mum today. am glad she is all calm and relax now.

      Thank you God.

    • #14366
      kin
      Sudionik

      God created all things visible and invisible
      Like the visible tree and its invisible root.
      If a recovering person is free from gambling
      but not deep rooted with spiritual principles.
      Any strong winds will uproot the tree
      Just like the person is waiting
      for some good or bad news to happen and
      he/she will lose his/her sobriety.
      Some things to think about
      A recovering person can stop gambling
      But the living problems is not going to stop
      Everyone can stop gambling but the trick is staying stop

    • #14367
      vera
      Sudionik

      Very inspiring post Kin.
      So true. Without roots , a tree withers.
      Praying for your mum’s recovery. She seems like a strong lady. You are a very respectful son. The Bible says “Honour your father and your mother” Not many “children”keep to that commandment. Mine certainly don’t. Except when it suits them.

    • #14368
      kin
      Sudionik

      Parable of a Farmer

      “…look at life events without judgment or interpretation.
      The true significance of events can never be understood,
      as they are occurring for in every event, there are elements of both good and bad.
      Furthermore, each event has no specific beginning or end and may influence future events for years or even centuries to come. An excellent example of life is found in the parable of the farmer.

      “There once was a farmer. One day the farmer’s only horse broke out of the corral and ran away. The farmer’s neighbors all hearing of the horse running away, came to the farmer’s house to view the corral. As they stood there, the neighbors all said “Oh what bad luck!” The farmer replied ‘maybe.’

      “About a week later, the horse returned bringing with it a whole herd of wild horses which the farmer and his son quickly corralled. The neighbors hearing of the corralling of the horses came to see for themselves. As they stood there looking at the corral filled with horses, the neighbors said “Oh what good luck!” The farmer replied ‘maybe.’

      “A couple of weeks later, the farmer’s son’s leg was badly broken when he was thrown from a horse he was trying to break. A few days later the broken leg became infected and the son became delirious with fever. The neighbors all hearing of the incident, came to see the son. As they stood there, the neighbors said “oh what bad luck.” The farmer replied ‘maybe.’

      “At that same time in China, there was a war going on between two rival Warlords. The Warlord of the farmer’s village was involved in this war. In need of more soldiers, he sent one of his captains to the village to conscript young men to fight in the war. When the captain came to take the farmer’s son he found a young man with a broken leg who was delirious with fever. Knowing there was no way the son could fight, the captain left him there. A few days later, the son’s fever broke. The neighbors hearing of the son’s not being taken to fight in the war and of his return to good health all came to see him. As they stood there, each one stated “oh what good luck!” The farmer replied ‘maybe.’

      Then he revealed the secret of his wisdom.
      “It is not for us to know what is good or bad.
      It is only for us to be fully engaged in the adventure of living,
      for how can we know what event is ultimately good or bad?
      That is the future and we can only know the now
      which is never good or bad, only part of the adventure.

      Who knows?”

    • #14369
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I was still trying to adapt to the major changes to my working hours. Ever since I was on the 7 pm to 7 am shift, even though it was work 2 days off 2 day, I still feel more tired nowadays as I could not settle into a regular sleeping pattern.

      Mum was hospitalised since Friday, she will still be warded for another week. It was depressing in the past, I do not have the money to provide or help out in this kind of situation.

      Am feeling grateful to God, I am more loving and responsible now compare to the past, I can now care, contribute and look after my love ones.

      Do have concern about how I feel recently, could be due to not having proper rest, feeling tired does affect my thought and feeling. it was a warning sign and a trigger for me, the feeling was a familiar one, one that tell me I have to go ahead to act out and fix my feeling. A good sleep solve everything.

      Thank you God, I am grateful to be clean today.

    • #14370
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I look at my life now and had this strong feeling; I had tried many times in the past but I could not. If it did, it only work for a while and did not last

      It was only after I turn to God, my life start to change

      The Lord has used me and help me do things that I cannot do in the past.

      Today I remind myself :-
      I have to give up my self-will and seek God’s will/I must resist taking back the control or steering wheel/ allow God to work in my life / trust God fully all the way / Turn to God and don’t listen to the devil’s thought.

      Thank you Father God, Jesus Christ & Holy Spirit, you are the greatest and the best

    • #14371
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      felt tired more than usual on Thursday.
      It was a sign some thing was not right

      In the past, I never thought I was falling sick, I would think that it is one of those bad days.
      I will turn to alcohol and slot machines to fix my feelings
      thought watching and occasional punt on a football game can also be relaxing

      I actually only need to be patient and be still for a few days but I was lacking in these areas in the past.
      By the time I realized what was really happening, it was too late, the damage was done.

      This time, come Friday, it was obvious and I notice I had flu and fever. If I knew I am sick, I will see a doctor and take medicine, rest and sleep as much as possible

      If I am sick, alcohol, slot machine and going to a football match is not going to cure it. In fact numbing my feelings with alcohol cover up the real cause, I wouldn’t know I am falling sick until I sober up.

      I am thankful for the patient and awareness.
      it kept me safe.

      In the past, I thought I was doing the right thing trying to fix my feeling in moment like this, I was wrong in the end.

    • #14372
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I am thankful to be at this stage of recovery now. I am not down there and I am not up there, I am moving forward.

      Just had a chat with my sponsor yesterday, he talk about God ‘s dislike especially the part about money I don’t have to work hard to get.
      Check myself with a recovering person and I was reminded of step 4, whether my actions are selfish, dishonest, self-seeking due to fear or inconsiderate.
      If I do not have an addict’s past and I am not in recovery, I wouldn’t be examining myself whether what I did is harming another person or self destructive in nature.

      I agree with many in here that recovery is more than abstaining, recovery is about getting well but how can an addict get well without abstinence from gambling in the beginning.
      It is always about first thing first, one day at a time. After a while, a person who have stay abstinence for a period of time will find out that recovery and getting well is more than about staying abstinence. It was about changes inside us, the changes we experience in the way we think and do, how we live life, have help us found a new freedom, peace and happiness we have never experience when we are gambling.

      This is the best year I had in here and in recovery, I must work hard for it to stay this way……

      I must be willing and I still need help, to get close to God.
      I must check myself regularly while I enjoy living today. I need to make sure I am not slowly drifting to my old ways, I must look at my motive and intention, what is driving me to do those things which is not perfect in the eye of God.

      I am human, I am not perfect but I am ok, I am grateful to God and more happy now.

    • #14373
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I read and hear the promises many times in the support group meetings I attended in the past, it didn’t mean much to me, I feel that it was just some customary and routine reading in the meetings before the sharings start.

      After I found my Higher Power, I was hit hard by a message, something magical happens to my life, the words in the promises keep coming to my mind. My Higher Power is telling me that one by one they are materializing in my life now.

      I realized that the promises is The Truth now.

      The 12 Promises of GA,NA,AA…..

      1) We will know a new Freedom & Happiness.

      2) We will not regret the Past, nor wish to shut the door on it.

      3) We will comprehend the word Serenity.

      4) We will know Peace.

      5) We will see how our experiences would benefit others.

      6) That feeling of Uselessness and Self-Pity will disappear.

      7) We will lose interest in Selfish things.

      8) Self Seeking will slip away.

      9) Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.

      10) Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.

      11) We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.

      12) We will suddenly realize that GOD is doing for us what we couldn’t do for ourselves.

      my Higher Power has a name, He is Jesus Christ.

    • #14374
      kpat
      Sudionik

      Thank you Kin for writing your thoughts. Because your thoughts were guided by a divine hand. As always, God’s timing is perfect. I opened your last post during a stressful moment this morning and there in front if me was God’s answer to my prayer. So thank you for being open to what His will for you is. You are listening and it is obvious to me, because through your obedience in writing on your thread, I was touched.
      May God continue to lead, guide, and protect you, in Jesus’s name, Amen.

    • #14375
      Anonimno
      Gost

      KIn can I also say thank you for this post . I never saw this list before.- I thought there were just rules..not promises. I guess number 10 has most meaning for me right now, as I seem to feel afraid of people all the time. I didn’t realise that this was all part of having an addiction. I thought is was just me. I have been having nightmares a lot.
      Funny about five as I have recently been investigating starting my own website to help others , using “outside the box” techniques ..a. kinda differentiated approach. Like Kpat says , God’s timing is perfect!

      This post has filled me with great hope. Thank you for sharing . I love reading the insightful stuff u share on others threads too!

    • #14376
      kin
      Sudionik

      A Parable About Cracked Pots

      A water bearer had two large pots, each hung on an end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the masters house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

      For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his masters house.

      Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made.

      But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.

      “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.”

      “Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?”

      “I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your masters house.

      Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts.” the pot said.

      The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the masters house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”
      Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some.

      But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the Pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

      The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pots side?

      That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them.

      For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my masters table.

      Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”

      Each of us has our own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace His Father’s table.

      Have you ever felt like this pot with its crack – imperfect and ashamed?

      Don’t be afraid of your flaws, acknowledge them because you too can be the cause of beauty.

      Know that in our weakness God’s strength is made perfect. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

      ”And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’” 2 Corinthians 12:9

      But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves ;” 2 Corinthians 4:7

      Blessings to all my crackpot friends

      Praise the Lord!

    • #14377
      kin
      Sudionik

      GAMBLING WITHDRAWAL SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS
      The signs and symptoms of gambling addiction withdrawal usually affect the mood and result in depression and or anxiety. The patient might also experience sleep disturbances and agitation.
      Craving can be intense. The patient usually lack any feeling of pleasure or well being.
      The vital signs can be affected and at times require medical supervision. The intensity of addiction determines how intense the therapy should be for gambling addiction withdrawal.
      The cause of the withdrawal and cravings are due to electrical and chemical changes that occur in the brain during any addiction. The same is true for gambling addiction withdrawal.
      To be more specific, addiction changes levels of dopamine in the pleasure center of the brain.
      During the addictive process , dopamine levels are increased and this floods dopamine throughout the frontal cortex of the brain.
      There is a specific area in the fore brain called the nucleus accumbens that appears to responsible for most of the reinforcing addictive behaviors.
      This ongoing use of dopamine eventually down regulates the dopamine receptor sites and decreases endogenous dopamine as well.
      Dopamine is a chemical messenger in the brain that is responsible for: mood, movement, higher thought processes and the sense of well being.
      A lot of the side effects with gambling addiction withdrawal are due to these low levels of dopamine and other neurotransmitters that are released when the addiction stops.
      The worse the addiction, the more intense the withdrawal symptoms. Gambling addiction withdrawal is also due to membranes in the brain being destabilized.
      This means that the ongoing addiction has altered the electrical and chemical balance of the brain and that it does not function normally. This brain destabilization may take months to year to correct.
      Some researchers believe that the brain may never heal completely. Gambling addiction withdrawal may continue in an attenuated form for a long time.
      Cravings will come and go indefinitely. Some of the cravings may be stimulated by environmental ques which remind the addicted individual of their addiction.
      This is true for gambling addiction withdrawal as well.
      AFTER GAMBLING ADDICTION WITHDRAWAL WHAT THEN?
      Once the person has completed gambling addiction withdrawal what then? Well relapse back into addiction is about 90%. Why is that?
      There are many reasons for this dismal statistic. Just because an individual goes through gambling addiction withdrawal does not mean that he or she is cured.
      This represents the beginning of the recovery process not the end. Recovery from addiction require an ongoing awareness of the problem.
      This can be accomplished with a good behavioral modification program. The most common of these is the 12 Step program but there are many others as well.
      The idea is to do something any addict who goes through gambling addiction withdrawal should have some sort of an ongoing support group. As long as the recovering person feels good in this support group this is strong.
      The bottom line is that generally speaking, recovering addicts can not do it on their own. After gambling addiction withdrawal the recovering, individual should examine a healthy life style as well.
      Studies have shown that recovering people who exercise are 50% more apt to be successful in recovery after gambling addiction withdrawal.
      The actual structure of the brain can change with addiction. This is scary.
      The individual who has experienced gambling addiction withdrawal and is in a recovery program must remember that they are never cured from addictive disease.
      If the person gets back into their addictive life style or addiction, they will have to experience the whole painful process of gambling addiction withdrawal again.

    • #14378
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dopamine is a chemical messenger in the brain that is responsible for: mood, movement, higher thought processes and the sense of well being.
      A lot of the side effects with gambling addiction withdrawal are due to these low levels of dopamine and other neurotransmitters that are released when the addiction stops.
      The worse the addiction, the more intense the withdrawal symptoms. Gambling addiction withdrawal is also due to membranes in the brain being destabilized.
      This means that the ongoing addiction has altered the electrical and chemical balance of the brain and that it does not function normally. This brain destabilization may take months to year to correct.

    • #14379
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I feel that everything is not ok but I am ok
      Life is not perfect but I am ok
      Health is not perfect but I am ok
      Not all people I met is helpful but I am ok
      Working conditions is not perfect but I am ok

      Going total abstinence at the beginning of this year was a wonderful and rewarding experience.
      My recovery is not perfect now, my standard of abstinence has since drop and I am less committed.
      But using slot machine and alcohol was not an option.

      I am thankful, and feel grateful and contented.

      Thank you Higher Power!
      Thank you God for everything you had given me.

    • #14380
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      Tonight I was thinking of The Promises again.

      “We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.
      We will suddenly realize that GOD is doing for us what we couldn’t do for ourselves.
      Economic insecurity will leave us.
      That feeling of Uselessness and Self-Pity will disappear.
      We will know Peace.
      We will not regret the Past, nor wish to shut the door on it.
      We will know a new Freedom & Happiness.”

      “I will lose interest in Selfish things. Self Seeking will slip away. ”

      Self-centered ways such as interest in selfish things and self seeking have a tendency to sneak into our life if we do not check ourselves everyday.

    • #14381
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dated 27th Oct 2015
      Dear diary
      For the first time, I feel excited about this year coming to an end. I only need to continue what I have been doing for another 2 more months and this will be the best year I had in recovery, had one too many broke endings in the past.
      In the past, all my money was lost in irresponsible ways in living and gambling. All my earning are accountable now. This has never happen to me before.
      I don’t have to doubt my spending since 5th Feb 2015 and myself anymore now. God has help me to do what I cannot do for myself with my earning now. It was a dream come true for me.
      Deep down for close to 38 years, I would like to love, care and provide for my love ones but I was deeply bonded by the devil of addiction and it is running and controlling my life. It was a very sad and depressing past that I do not wish upon anyone.
      I have realized after many trials and errors after errors that I cannot be the Higher Power in my recovery program. If I am still controlling the steering wheel, nothing has changed, I am still the same.
      Praise the Lord, I have a Higher Power in my 12 step recovery program now. My Higher Power has a name, He is the almighty Jesus Christ.

      Thank you God

    • #14382
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I had a jog after not doing it for a long time and has been stress since suffering body aches for the last 2 days now. The pain was doing crazy things to my mind. I get triggered and it make me want to act out.
      I have to tell myself not to do it. I have to practice what I learn and divert my attention to do something else, do anything harmless instead of acting out. Was invited but have not learn yoga and be still.

      My choices are either pray, or sleep and do not nothing or I get out immediately and do something else safe before the triggering thought snowball into something I cannot manage.

      I am ready to move up another level, otherwise it look like if I do not do anything, either way I am going down
      If I don’t exercise, my lifestyle become physically very inactive and I will become very obese and unwell, I am turning 50 next year, if I continue living like this, I may fall sick one day ; become mentally weak and stress from the illness and be triggered, end of the day it can turn into a permanent problem, the long term stress and regular trigger from it will get me one day.
      If I start to exercise now, I will suffer physical pains and stress as a result, I will be mentally weaken for a period, and suffer regular triggers too, if I am not careful, the trigger can get me too but it is a temporary problem, as I exercise more often and longer, it will make me stronger physically and mentally eventually, the physical pain and mental weakness will lessen over times and the stress and trigger will go away one day. There is hope here.

      I plan to step up in my recovery, I plan to start exercise now but I must remind myself to be mindful and be aware of the situation, so that I will not panic and press the self-destruction button in the early days before I grow in strength.

      Think I be ok. I am ready to do it.

      I trust my Higher Power, I can pray.

    • #14383
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I cannot comment about anyone else except my life.
      I never had a perfect recovery and was never perfect every day.
      It was this reality that is putting people like me in real danger.

      I can be doing the right things for many days but there are always days when I will slip in to old ways.
      Unlikely intentionally or Likely unintentionally or worst likely intentionally, either way I could slip into old ways.
      How vulnerable are we to slipping from God-centered ways to self-centered ways
      How unexpectedly I can slip from “interest before self” to self before interest and “principle before personality” to personality before principle.
      If I am human, what happen to others can happen to me!
      How I can slip into self-seeking ways and put myself at risk!

      Unless I check myself daily and put to death my desires, plans and self-will.
      Unless a Higher Power is leading me

      I can only hope that when I slip, I do not spiral out of control and “ KA BOOM!!!” self-destructed and destroy myself as a result.

      The warning is real! Since history was documented, we always read about them.

      Self-centeredness
      1a. God placed Adam and Eve in a beautiful and bountiful garden. He told them not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Eve saw that the fruit was pleasing to the eye and desirable for gaining wisdom, so she ate it (Gen. 2:16-17; 3:1-7).

      How many times have I give in to “love for money”, “ love for woman”, “ love for any substance that can fix my mood” so desirable and pleasing to my eyes?

      God-centeredness
      Potiphar’s wife daily begged Joseph to come to bed with her. He told her he could not do such a wicked thing and sin against God. When she tried to force him, he fled the room and went to prison rather than yield to temptation (Gen.39)

      I am not Joseph but I can try to learn from him.

      God had promised to give the land of Canaan to Israel. Moses sent 12 men into the Promise Land to explore it and bring back a report. The land was bountiful, but the people living there were seen as giants (Num.13-14).

      Self-centeredness ways
      2a. Ten of the spies said, “We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are” (13:31)

      How many times when I was fearful and unsure, afraid and anxious that my ways switched from right to wrong?

      God-centeredness
      2b. Joshua and Caleb said, “If the Lord is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land…do not be afraid of the people of the land” (14:8, 9)

      Self-centeredness is a subtle trap. It is so convincing and makes so much sense.
      Like King Asa, you can avoid it at one time and fall right into the trap at another time.

      God centeredness
      3a. King Asa was facing Zerah the Cushite’s army in battle. He said, “Lord, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this vast army. O Lord, you are our God; do not let man prevail against you” (2 Chron. 14:9-11).

      Self-centeredness
      3b. King Asa and Judah were threatened by Baasha, king of Israel. Asa sent gold and silver from the temple and his own palace to Ben-Hadad king of Aram asking for his help in this conflict (2Chron.16:1-3).

      2015 has been the best recovery year for me since I started recovery in 2005.
      More than 10 months has passed this year, I am proud to say that I have more clean days this year when I gave up my self-will.
      The truth is that there were still days when I was not the same. There are times when I became impatient or panic, and took over control of the steering wheel, especially when I feel threaten and not safe by the situation, when I feel very uncomfortable with hardships.
      I did not set the best examples but I want to be honest with my imperfection, despite all the wrongs, this is still the best recovery year I ever had.
      There was so much reward in doing. You can only get better with each try.

      God-centeredness requires a daily death of self and submission to God (John12:23-25)

      I have seen the promises I read in the Bible and the 12 steps recovery program come true in my life, sometime slowly, sometime quickly. Getting to know Christ was the best thing to happen to my recovery. For atheist , they can use the 12 steps recovery program.

      I feel that the 12 steps recovery program was design and written by man who believe in God for people who don’t believe in God helping them to find God.

      I was not perfect but life is improving by God’s grace. Thank you God for keeping me safe today.

      Just reached home from a trip to the shopping mall. Saw a poster and receive this message…Why did it take so long? I was still holding on to the steering wheel and did not let go completely and let God take over.

    • #14384
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      Anytime my awareness was low
      I would lose very important things, my peace and serenity, joy and happiness
      These things just sneak in and happen

      I had accumulated 10K, I was happy and grateful then
      But when I used up 8K to clear my personal loan, my thoughts and feelings became confuse
      I suddenly felt that I don’t have enough money and was not contented with the current situation
      I wish to have more money and this was how I lost my peace and happiness.

      Today when I put pen to writing, the picture became very clear
      I should be grateful to clear my 8k loan and be free
      I should be contented to have 2K saving when I could have none.
      It was not so long ago that I do not have the means at all and stress was a big part of my life.
      Now I am free but I forget to be contented with whatever I have and be grateful to God for everything

      This feeling of not enough, discontentment can be really very destructive and a real robber of peace and happiness in my life.

      Everyday I must remember to pray.
      Thank you God for helping me do things that I could not do for myself and thank you for everything that you have given me!

    • #14385
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I did a reflection today and thought about something a friend shared with me and something I read about the ways our Higher Power can communicate with us and how we must learn to be sensitive to the Higher Power and connect to the message.
      I also thought about the recovery parable on the two wolves, am I feeding my recovery or my addiction.
      I have a long history of drifting into the wrong path intentionally or unintentionally all the times.
      Praying daily and checking myself regularly become important.
      So long as my decision is not harming another person and I am not engaging in self destructive acts, and I am not acting out in selfish and self-seeking ways, it should be safe to go ahead.
      Slowly I see myself doing things differently.
      Many times, I have to give up my self-will, I maybe tired but doing what my 85 years old mother want actually make her happy, it doesn’t matter anymore and is no longer important whether I am happy or not with her plan, her plan is not important anymore, because sometimes her mind is not sound at this age but doing what she want make her satisfied and pleased in the end.
      I am beginning to accumulate a saving, and the message has come to me to give Grace to someone who needs it more than me just like the situation I was in 2 years ago instead of keeping the money for selfish and self-seeking ways such as gambling for my own pleasure.
      What surprises me was the message I got to refurnish the bathroom accessories in my family home which will cost me a few hundred dollars.
      The Holy Spirit is leading me and telling me to do it, my role was to obey.
      My self-will would have tell me to keep the money for myself after all I have my own place and I also need the money to renovate that place. Why don’t I hold on to the money.
      I trust my Higher Power. God has promised that His grace is sufficient for us. (II Corinthians 12:9).
      After doing the right thing, my fund will drop low without fail.
      And I can never understand how everything can actually end well in the end nowadays. I could not have plan it, at least when I did plan it many times in the past, it never work. I actually see my money grow, it never happen to me in the past. In the past, the money come and slip away…..
      Just like the promises of the 12 steps recovery program says.
      We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us . We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we couldn’t do for ourselves.
      Even though it may be difficult for us to see and understand at this moment of time how this is going to be accomplished later but they do come true.
      I experience it. It is all very new to me, the feeling is strange, the ending a happy one.
      Many times in life, God don’t need me to understand everything, I don’t know where electricity comes from, I need water but I never care where they come from, I just use what works for me.
      I just need to trust and believe in my Higher Power. Have faith and have hope. All will be good in the end by the Grace of God.

    • #14386
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I was such an irresponsible person when I was heavy into gambling.

      Providing for the family, paying bills and servicing loans was not my strength for many years.

      Simplest things such as paying phone bills and returning money I borrowed was something I struggle to do.

      it may be a small thing to a normal person but it was a big thing to an recovering addict like me because it was something I could not do well for the last 28 years, I was either keeping the money for future gamble or I had already lost everything.

      To be able to do all the above was a dream come true for me.

      Everyday is day one in recovery for me!!!

      Grateful to be clean today.

    • #14387
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      If my family had made this wish that it is more important to them that I become a more caring, loving and more considerate person at home, more than me getting rich thru gambling or striking first prize in lottery, their wish came true this year by the Grace of God.
      I can only write about the changes I saw this year different from the rest.
      Someone at home who speaks very little to me is more comfortable talking to me more in conversation now. This is very important to me. I have disappointed and hurt my sister for decades. I made her feel unsafe in her own home.
      Thank you God for everything you have given me, I have realize that God ‘s word in the Bible and the readings in the promises of the 12 steps recovery program was true.
      Recovery is a day at a time program.
      Too many self-inflicted tsunami have swept my life one too many times and changes everything suddenly because of gambling, no good thing last in my life in the past.
      I need to be vigilant everyday now.
      Is my action selfish and self seeking? Is my action hurting another person or self-destructive in nature? Can I give up my self-will and seek God ‘s will.
      Everyday is day number one in recovery for me, not thinking too much about next year.
      Next year is a wish for me.
      My wish for this year has come true, this is the best thing and biggest reward I got in recovery. It was never perfect but was better than I expected.
      This year has been more about consistency, stability and steadiness in recovery, more about giving and not just taking……

      Recovery slogan: Seeking progress and not perfection in recovery.

    • #14388
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      Like I say many times in here, my recovery was not perfect.
      At 10pm last night, I wanted to watch the news report on Paris, I switched the TV channel, it was the first time I took control of the TV for the day, I never expected my 85 years old mum to yell at me to keep the volume down.
      The yelling was a big trigger to me, I felt very unhappy and angry, but I kept quiet and walk away, got changed and leave the house immediately. I wanted to grab some drinks to numb myself, if I had not ban myself, I would have love to use the slot machine to kill a few hours..
      Many things crossed my mind, it brings back many familiar painful and unhappy feelings inside me, I can feel that familiar feeling of deep resentment with my mum going as far back as 30 years ago.
      Last night, I was very angry, I remember many times 30 years ago when I was successful, she was always saying things that was sharp, painful and triggering. I could not manage the pain and it sabotage me, I press the self-destructive button, I really spend a lot of money numbing myself, leaving home looking for relief and comfort in all the wrong places.
      Today, I thought maybe she don’t know how to cope with me when I am doing well. In recovery, they call these people co-dependent, they are so used to us dependent on them for everything, and when we are no more dependent on them, they are suddenly lost, after so many years, it has become a habit for her but I cannot stand any unreasonable yelling.
      I ask myself, am I going to destroy my hard earned sobriety because of this. Am I going to allow it to happen, I am now in automatic and compulsive mode, I am already in the process of acting out but It seem to have slow down because of my recovery, that saves me.
      At 10pm, only the drinking holes and gambling joints are open for business, they are the top 2 things to do in my list but my self- exclusion ban from the casino and slot machine joints limit my choices to one. While I am deciding in my head what to do, I am already on the way and moving.
      I hear a clear message inside my head, the devil is using my mum to attack me, it know and is attacking my weakness, the devil is working very hard and making sure I fall.
      On the other hand, I hear another message, I have changed in many areas and no longer the same person from the past anymore, I have a God now who walk beside me, I am no more alone. I wants to follow Christ, am I going to follow my self-will on this night, the answer was an obvious one.
      I love a good body massage, and it will kill an hour or two, who doesn’t love to pamper themselves, it is what I like and want to do. With my small earning now, it is a very costly and not advisable thing to do. On top of that, it is likely to end with an indecent offer. This is what I want to do but when I check myself, am I pursuing a selfish and self-seeking way, the answer was an obvious one.
      I had not made up mind yet, but I do have another barrier in the bag I learn and pick up from other recovering person, I took a bus ride to nowhere. When I reach the other end, I drop off the bus and stand in the middle of no-where. By this time, I have decided and made up my mind what to do. It was time to go home and I can watch some biblical youtube clips when I reach home. After I got on another bus and reach home, I have killed 2.5 hours. I didn’t say anything to mum when I reach home, I just go straight to my room and surf the net, before the movie end, I fell asleep.
      Am I feeding my addiction or my recovery?
      The devil was working very hard, the resentment feelings and voice was replaying in my head and growing stronger every time I think about it. In between there is another voice telling me my Lord is with me, have no fear, I will be fine, I remember to talk to God how I feel and pray. God knows what is on my mind, I pray to God to lead me to do the right thing.
      I woke up today, all the resentful and negative feeling I had yesterday has disappear. I was clean for another day.
      Jesus Christ was my savior. Thank you God.

    • #14389
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I thought I had to do something to remind myself that I am a recovering addict, and visited a drop in centre for recovering addict yesterday.
      Sat in a 12 steps recovery program workshop, the facilitator say that addicts are very inconsiderate people; they did not let others have the chance to make mistakes, respecting other’s rights and freedom to say or do wrongs .
      I check the dictionary
      Being considerate means showing kindly awareness or regard for another’s feelings and circumstances…
      Being inconsiderate means acting without due regard for the rights or feeling of others.
      Wow! What an awakening.
      I have heard the same facilitator taught the same thing before but I did not get the message. I heard it and forget last time. This time, I am going to update it in my journal here.

      When I was triggered by my mum yelling, it shows that I have a problem, I was inconsiderate. I didn’t allow my mum to yell at me, I feel that it was wrong for her to yell at me.
      When I was affected by colleague who is lazy and not doing their work, I was inconsiderate, I didn’t give them the right to be lazy and irresponsible. The problem is not them, the real problem is me. Understanding this give me a chance to work on myself.

      Grateful I was safe by the Grace of God yesterday.

    • #14390
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dated 22 November 2015 Sunday
      Dear diary,
      I do not have very high mindfulness and awareness to stop making decision when I am mentally very tired.
      This can lead to bad consequences and regrets.
      1. The tired mind sounded so convincing, and rational to me to do it when I check myself
      2. The justification to go ahead sounded so right when they are not.
      3. Letting go of control completely and let God becomes a challenge during this time for me when I start to focus and listen to my tired mind and not God.

      It amazes me how my tired mind thinks it is ok and do not care too much about bad consequences, it is just very careless and irresponsible..
      Look like a bad decision to trust a tired mind to do the checking
      Best to do nothing now when the mind is tired and do the check when the mind is well rested
      I should know better than to trust and let a tired mind take control of the final outcome good or bad.

    • #14391
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I admitted that I am powerless over my tired mind, when that happen, I become very frustrated and hurt, very impulsive and impatient easily. It makes my life totally unmanageable.

      I don’t know how to stay calm when I was frustrated and hurt.

      When I get frustrated and hurt, I become careless and irresponsible and not mindful of my situation.

      Mostly importantly I can forget about all the good work put in over many months, I start to lose discipline and become careless.

      I start to lose my awareness, there was no more contentment or gratitude feelings for all that was achieve, slow and safe is not good enough.

      I find it hard to treasure what I have. I will put myself in big risk and jeopardize losing everything.

      I lose the ability to live in the present moment. When that happens, I am lead by my emotion and feelings.

      During this time,” I don’t care about anything or anyone” and become very self centered, irresponsible, indiscipline and selfish.

      I did not try to control my anger, I allow my anger the right to act out irresponsibly.

      I only want to fix the situation when there is no need. That was the biggest mistake every times.

      This is how I turn a safe situation into a dangerous one and end up with nothing every single time.

      The discipline in the past was gone.

      I have a safer alternative but I did not want to consider or use it. I find it too slow and tiring.

      I am too impatient to consider a very slow and safe way to repair the situation. I want an instant gratification, I want it now.

      My false feelings are not real and not the most important thing in my life and I have a better choice but unfortunately, I forget. I could have walk away from it. I could have move away to a safer place, or I can return when the situation is safer. I didn’t.

      In another words, I did not want to place my love ones and personal safety as my top priority.

      Fixing my hurt feeling and frustration takes center stage even at the expense of putting everyone in big risk.

      I simply did not care anymore except correcting my anger.

      I should not focus on these false feeling, they are dangerous situation to me.

      Many times these decisions are impulsive, fast and sudden but the damage is long term.

      It has happen time and time again in many areas of my life.

      Knowing how to walk away when I get hurt or frustrated is a strength in the right situation

      or

      staying calm and keeping still is another strength at the right moment.

      These strength keep me safe.

    • #14392
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I didn’t expected this good year to end up addressing this situation when I am feeling frustrated and hurt, impulsive and impatient.

      It has come to the surface now.

      frustrated and angry because I feel hurt and not contented. I want it my way, but it did not turn out according to my expectation. I feel that I deserve better. ( so obvious, my feelings was selfish and self seeking), I felt that the glass is half empty.

      why did I think that everything must go according to my way?

      Is it unrealistic self expectation

      the problem is not about others, the big problem was me!

      Over the years, I have confrontational situations with mum, my colleagues and superior at home and at work.

      it was like pealing the onion skin now, my problem have come to the surface

      The outcome would be different if I know how to stay calm and still when I am feeling frustrated and hurt at people, places and things. There is no need to be confrontational or have silent protest.

      I wasn’t able to stay calm and still, or stay calm and walk away.

      what happen to my gratitude and contented feeling when I am feeling frustrated and hurt? what happen to that half full glass?

      I cannot not do it for myself in the past. I believe God can help me do things I could not do for myself. I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.

      Thank you God.

    • #14393
      kin
      Sudionik

      What should I do when I feel frustrated and hurt ?

      I start to google for an answer

      am glad to read them

      It describe what happen to me when I don’t know what is happening

      and I change some content to describe my problem.

    • #14394
      kin
      Sudionik

      Anger is a signal, and without anger, we cannot survive.
      Anger informs us that our well-being is threatened or that harm has occurred.

      When we feel angry, our primitive “old brain” releases adrenaline –
      to enable us to “fight or take flight” in defense against whatever has threatened us.

      Our “fight or flight” defense –
      Our anger wakes us up to tell us it is time to cope.
      It may be time to step back, refuel or take charge.
      Luckily, our “new brain,” located in the frontal lobe, has the capacity to reason and problem solve in response to our anger signals.
      We can develop this ability to cope with angry feelings. It increases our ability to tolerate frustration and to deal more adaptively with feelings of hurt.
      When “aggression” prevails over reason, fight or flight reaction wins. –
      Naturally more often the case, we hit back, or scream
      rather than show empathy or “use words.”

      First Comes Hurt
      To understand and manage angry feelings and aggressive behavior,
      we must first recognize and remember that anger comes from hurt.

      Aggression
      Aggression is the behavioral response –
      the acting on the hurt and anger.
      Empathy is the curative response that eases the hurt so we can shore up our coping defenses.

    • #14395
      kin
      Sudionik

      Anger is a biological response to all kinds and degrees of frustration or hurt.
      Anger might speak to unmet needs or to feeling vulnerable.
      When we feel frustration, we need understanding before we can cooperate or compromise.
      When we offer or receive understanding, potential feelings of anger melt away and solutions can more easily be found.
      Soothing words offer comfort while limit setting, One more time, then it is time to say ‘goodbye’ until next time!” Such empathy is more likely to minimize anger and facilitate cooperation
      “That’s it! Time to go! If you scream like that!” This response is far more likely to aggravate frustration and anger.

    • #14396
      kin
      Sudionik

      Transforming Anger
      Transforming feelings of hurt, such as frustration and anger is mostly about comfort. We need to divert our attention, to calm down.
      We need to be empathy to resolve conflict.
      We must set limits to promote maturity, it will help us cope with anger more constructively.
      Setting limits, however, can provoke anger and frustration. At such times, we may need to ignore and calmly tolerate the emotions, allowing ourselves to calm down
      It is key that we understand the hurt feelings that underlie the anger.

      The hurt about not getting our way is about recovering from frustration and learning to delay gratification, which is part of maturing.
      Although we have been told “no,”
      Limit setting can be achieved with calm, kind firmness.
      There is no need for harshness.
      Sympathy and empathy make limit setting much easier.
      It is ok, we can walk away now, and come back another time.
      It is ok, no need to allow our aggression to prevails over reason, there is no need to fight back or flight or seek instant gratification. It is time to take a step back, regain our calmness and patient, delay gratification, there is no need to rush.

      Physical pursuits can be good outlets for feelings of stress or frustration.
      The ability to respond with humor represents cognitive growth,using humor to tease or to defend against feelings of hurt is a fabulous psychological defense.
      Ideally we want to resort to complimentary words and not sarcastic words.
      Compromising to avoid further conflict or talking with a friend who will certainly “be on your side,” are effective means of melting anger away.
      Drawing and journaling also transform feelings of hurt, frustration and anger.

      Provoking irrational fights with family members is another favorite means of coping with overwhelming feelings of frustration and anxiety about facing greater responsibility and accountability.
      The temptation to resort to maladaptive coping, such as using cigarettes, drugs, gambling or alcohol is great but with more practices, one can gained sufficient confidence and competence, we will learn how to compromise, and, when necessary, how to fight for what is right.

    • #14397
      kin
      Sudionik

      Moving From Conflict to Win/Win
      No matter what the age and developmental stage, there are four steps necessary to move from feelings of hurt and anger to conflict resolution.
      These steps are applicable whether we are managing ourselves or others.
      Simply resorting to “time out,” punishing, or withholding does not teach skills in conflict resolution, which requires empathy, communication skills and capacity for compromise.

      Step 1. Step back and separate emotionally.
      By stepping back we can better reflect on what is happening,
      what feelings are involved and what needs are not being met.
      When we manage others of any age in conflict, our job is to help them step back.
      Emotional reactivity or escalation may end the conflict abruptly or even fuel the flames. Wait and breathe until you can respond with reason.

      Step 2. Listen to each perspective without alliance or bias to either “side.”
      This takes objectivity and needs to be done by a person who is capable of objectivity.
      If it is you, offer empathy for yourself, “mom and me is not in a good mood and both of us are really fed up; let’s take a step back first and find some solutions that work for both of us another time – delay gratification.”

      Step 3. Offer empathy and validation to each “side.”
      Often there is no “right versus wrong.”
      But both parties feel justified, or “right,” from their perspective.
      Each party needs to be affirmed prior to correction or negotiation.
      Remember, without empathy for the “hurt” feelings, it is next to impossible to move to compromise and problem solving, which involves giving.

      Step 4. Find a win/win solution.
      Find, or help the other person find, a solution that works for both parties. When an argument takes place and feelings are hurt, making amends is usually about each party recognizing the other’s needs.

      When setting limits, it is not always about win/win; we can offer validation and empathy as well as a solution.

      If a child pines after a toy when shopping, we can offer empathy while limit-setting: “I know you would like this toy for yourself. Remember mommy said we are buying for your friend’s birthday this time. I’ll put it on your wish list.”

      For toddlers, we might offer a “treat” while we shop to satisfy their yearnings.

      To a 14-year-old, we may have to say “you got an offer to go to the Redskins, but you have a previous obligation to go to your friend’s hockey game…how frustrating for you…maybe next time.”
      He may still be disappointed and may even try to put it on you. “I know you are mad about not getting to go; you are trying to attack me, but it is not about me.”
      By this age, we can put the accountability back in his lap and step out of it.

      Most well adjusted kids will work it through and let it go.

      Empathy for the hurt feelings and patience are always wiser than lecturing, scolding or getting into a meaningless fight

    • #14398
      kin
      Sudionik

      In the end, as we teach ourselves to cope with anger, we are facilitating maturation.
      Feelings of anger in response to facing frustration, hurt and conflict are a part of everyday life.
      Teaching ourselves to have empathy for others, to devise win-win solutions, and rely on “reason over aggression” keeps our toolbox open and ever-growing.
      As we face our own limitations and strive to resolve conflict or resolve relational differences,
      we are practicing our own ability to transform feelings of hurt or anger to feelings of resolve or peace.
      In this manner we exercise our capacity for reason over our “fight or flight” response.

    • #14399
      kin
      Sudionik

      Adrenaline
      Adrenaline is a hormone produced by the adrenal glands during high stress or exciting situations.
      This powerful hormone is part of the human body’s acute stress response system, also called the “fight or flight” response.
      It works by stimulating the heart rate, contracting blood vessels, and dilating air passages, all of which work to increase blood flow to the muscles and oxygen to the lungs.
      The Adrenal Glands
      The adrenal glands are found directly above the kidneys in the human body, and are roughly 3 inches (7.62 cm) in length.
      The Fight or Flight Response
      The term “fight or flight” is often used to characterize the body’s reaction to very stressful situations.
      It is an evolutionary adaptation that allows the body to react to danger quickly.
      Dilated air passages, for example, allow the body to get more oxygen into the lungs quickly, increasing physical performance for short bursts of time.
      The blood vessels contract in most of the body, which redirects the blood toward the heart, lungs, and major muscle groups to help fuel the reaction.
      When a person encounters a potentially dangerous situation, the hypothalamus in the brain signals the adrenal glands to release adrenaline and other hormones directly into the bloodstream.
      The body’s systems react to these hormones within seconds, giving the person a nearly instant physical boost.
      Strength and speed both increase, while the body’s ability to feel pain decreases.
      This hormonal surge is often referred to as an “adrenaline rush.”
      Side Effects
      In addition to a noticeable increase in strength and performance, this hormone typically causes heightened awareness and increased respiration.
      When there is stress but no actual danger, a person can be left feeling restless and irritable.
      This is partly because adrenaline causes the body to release glucose, raising blood sugar, and giving the body energy that has no outlet.
      Work Out
      Many people find it beneficial to “work off” the adrenaline rush after a particularly stressful situation.
      In the past, people handled this naturally through fighting or other physical exertion, but in the modern world, high-stress situations often arise that involve little physical activity.
      Exercise can use up this extra energy.
      Though adrenaline can play a key role in the body’s survival, it can also cause detrimental effects over time.
      Prolonged and heightened levels of the hormone can put enormous pressure on the heart muscle and can, in some cases, cause heart failure. Additionally, it may cause the hippocampus to shrink.
      High levels of adrenaline in the blood can lead to insomnia and jittery nerves, and are often an indicator of chronic stress.

      I have no explanation and I hope these explain why I was feeling restless and irritable for days at times and why I am suffering from insomnia for days at times when there was no traumatic event happening in my life.

    • #14400
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I didn’t understand what was really happening previously
      I only knew the outcome was a familiar one nobody wanted
      How many times have I regretted such decisions after it has happen
      Why can’t I manage these kind of situations like any normal person

      I could not even describe my feeling properly until now
      I realized that I was first hurt by something I heard or see that happen to me.

      My reaction was describe as an aggressive one from the reading, but a natural one, either I fight back or I flee . I didn’t know anger or dangerous situation releases adrenaline

      My reaction was so quick
      I say and do things I regretted later
      It was due to the adrenaline rush
      It speed up the body system which is a natural body defence mechanism

      This awareness gives me hope now
      When there is stress and no actual danger, and I am feeling restless and irritable, it was because the adrenaline causes the body to release glucose, raising blood sugar, and giving the body energy that has no outlet.
      or
      Prolonged and heightened levels of the hormone can put enormous pressure on the heart muscle and high levels of adrenaline in the blood can lead to insomnia and jittery nerves, and are often an indicator of chronic stress
      I read that I can now exercise to use up these extra energy.
      Now I must learn to recognize the time when I am hurt, so that I will be prepared for what is coming. Now I know it is not unexpected, my defence mechanism will be triggered, I will have a strong and powerful feeling to fight back or flee, it has overwhelmed me many times in the past.

      I read that I should take a step back now, until I regain my calmness ad composure, if I rush to fix it, I am falling for the same trap.

      It is key that I understand the hurt feelings that underlie the anger. The hurt of not getting what I want is about recovering from frustration and learning to delay gratification.

      There was stress from not getting what I want in the past, and there was never a real danger many times but my aggressive reaction of fighting back just failed me everytime. It has caused me one too many regrets.
      I should have been trained to take a step back and not fight back naturally.
      When I feel frustration, I need to understand what is happening, and potential anger will melt away and solution can be found more patiently.
      Soothing words offer comfort while limit setting with acceptance.
      One more time, then it is time to “ walk away “ until next time. Such empathy is more likely to minimize anger and facilitate cooperation. The anger goes away.
      On the contrary, if we force ourselves to walk away suddenly and unexpectedly without acceptance and letting go, It is more likely to aggravate frustration and anger, the anger remains.
      Empathy for the hurt feelings and patient are always wiser than getting into a meaningless fight.

      Am I thankful for the discovery and possible cause with regards to my restless and irritable days or period of insomnia and jittery nerve?
      I was relieved to know that it has something to do with adrenaline.
      It just give me one less reason to shift blame to other things etc. withdrawal symptoms, mood swings
      I was wrong to find relief in alcohol or slot machine., it was insanity.
      I can now take the advice to exercise and use up the excess energy or I can see a doctor for the insomnia.

    • #14401
      kin
      Sudionik

      I forget to let go of self-will

      and follow God ‘s will

      I become more self centered and less God centered.

      When things is not going my way, I did not let go, walk away, and let God.

      My downfall in recovery happen when I have my hands on the steering wheel for many years.
      My success in recovery only happen when I trust God completely that he will provide sufficient. God can do for me what I cannot do for myself.

      Things happen in God’s timing, not mine.

      I must be patient and trust God.

      Otherwise I am heading for my downfall.

    • #14402
      charles
      Moderator

      I can relate to that Kin.

      I tried it “My way” for years without success.

      Whilst God doesn’t play a part in my own recovery I have found success in doing it someone elses way, a way that has helped many for years.

    • #14403
      kin
      Sudionik

      The Health Consequences of Too Much Adrenaline

      Adrenaline is known as the fight-or-flight hormone.
      This means people can be quick to anger, have short fuses, experience road rage and wind up in anger management classes.
      Very often excess anger leads to the need to drink too much or use drugs or smoke excessively, just to “chill out”.
      It is probably safe to say that the majority of people in AA have excess adrenaline.

    • #14404
      kin
      Sudionik

      The Health Consequences of Too Much Adrenaline

      Internalization of anger from excess adrenaline is probably the most common cause of depression. It can also be a cause for inability to lose weight and for elevated blood pressure.

    • #14405
      kin
      Sudionik

      excess adrenaline can create multiple health problems, for example, people who have trouble falling asleep – are problems most likely attributable to adrenaline.

    • #14406
      kin
      Sudionik

      An adrenaline rush is when your adrenal glands pump an excess amount of adrenaline into your body in response to high amounts of stress or anxiety.

      You may experience a wide range of symptoms that are similar to panic attacks including racing pulse or pounding heart

    • #14407
      kin
      Sudionik

      1st December 2015

      Dear diary,

      After staying total abstinence from acting out in all form of addiction for 6 months, I started to experience the freedom from the bondage of addiction and slavery to money.
      In the beginning, I experiences freedom from the bondage of addiction, debts, mental anguish. Later, I felt the freedom from the imprisonment of poverty and freedom to go anywhere I want and buy anything I need.
      But if I return to compulsive gambling and lose all my money
      I will first lose my freedom to go anywhere and buy anything I want, I will be imprison by poverty again, there will be many many things I cannot do because I am broke, this feeling was not good.

      Had I lost my future pay to gambling every time it is due, I will definitely regret my selfish actions and beat myself up.
      If I continue to have recurrent thoughts to gambles and loses all control to stop and become compulsive, I am in trouble. I would have lost all my freedom and come under the control of gambling.

      I will need to continue gambling even if it is doing me harm. I would continue until I lost all my pay. When that happens, I will need to borrow to feed my addiction. I need to borrow to gamble and I start to go into debt – the debts will grow and can only become bigger until it become unmanageable unless I stop.
      The huge stress, feeling of depression, anger, mental pain and suffering replaces all my freedom.

      I need to be very vigilant and protect this freedom. It is too risky to be complacent, the price one pay is too heavy.

      I realized many times in the past when I sober up and see the destruction & damage done, it was too late. I am capable of gambling and losing everything away and throwing everything important to me away. I can lose my freedom if I don’t treasure them.

      The truth – it was self-inflicted
      I was too complacent, I belittled the value and important of freedom
      The value of freedom is priceless !!!

      it was better to do a reality check now before it is too late!

    • #14408
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      A thought cross my mind today, I look back at all the wrong I have done in my life, and suddenly realized that I am a free man not by my own account but by the grace of God.
      I was spared punishment that I deserve, it is a gift from God because I have not done anything to deserve this. It is kindness from God.
      Examples of Grace in the Bible
      John 1:16-17
      For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.
      For the law was given through Moses;
      grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. (ESV)
      Romans 6:14
      For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace. (ESV)
      Romans 3:23-24
      … for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
      and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus …
      (ESV)
      Ephesians 2:8
      For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing;
      it is the gift of God … (ESV)
      Titus 2:11
      For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people … (ESV)

      Thank you God.

    • #14409
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      In the past, I was quick to attack someone with harsh and unkind words before they question my gambling.
      Now I notice something else that was similar in nature and I was concern.
      Before my 85 years old recovering cancer patient elderly mum stress me out when her mind is not clear, I actually say unkind and harsh things to her when my mind was not clear, I lose total control of myself and was guilty of one of the worst sin, I was not kind to my mum with my harsh words and tone, if someone say the same thing to me, I would be hurt and depress.
      When I do not rest properly and not getting enough sleep, I get physically and mentally exhausted and tired, it make me weak, and prone to losing control of myself and acting out. I become very self-centered, selfish and self-seeking, I put my feeling and self-interest first.
      I am a recovering addict. I have a program, the realization and the reality made me very bad and I feel so ashame.
      The whole incident reveal something about me that was cover up and not so revealing by my addiction problems in the past, one I didn’t know or I don’t want to admit.
      Now the biggest problem you see on the surface is not due to gambling, alcohol use, money or work related, but a living one.
      Something that I realize now and need to change immediately when I still have the chance.
      Mum just woke up and having her coffee now, just have a small chat with her, she agrees to go out with me later. Time to made amend to her, she didn’t seem to remember what I did.

      I am 4 months into working the graveyard shift, I should be sleeping after work and not do other things, I have lost my discipline when I should be sleeping.

    • #14410
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      Am very thankful, really appreciate the increase awareness I had now.

      It made me watch my mum’s word very closely and check myself. Mum will continue to trigger me but I don’t have to allow it to eat into me and act it out, I can let her triggering word pass.

      I have a choice, I can love her

      She definitely enjoy the outing and the food today. It was important to let her feel love and important for me to do something for her when I still have the chance.

      Thank you God

    • #14411
      kin
      Sudionik

      GRACE can be defined as unearned favor. God’s grace is something God does for the benefit of His people just because He loves them, not because of something they have done to earn it. Grace is a gift and can never be earned.
      Grace giving by believers expresses God’s grace to believers (2 Corinthians 8:1).

      Dear diary,
      Finally, 2 years later, I have the financially means to share the love and grace I receive from God with someone out there who need it more than me.
      My sponsor was concern I cannot afford this and reminded me that I needed the money myself but deep down, I knew I can afford to part with this money, keeping it for myself will be a very selfish, self-seeking and self-centered act. I just had to do it.
      God says HE will provide abundant and sufficient, I have experience it, my sponsor has shown me our God ‘s great Love and Grace 2 years back, it open up my eyes, and now it was time and an opportunity for me to show someone who need it very badly this Christmas. Thank you God.

      Showing Gratitude to God
      Where was I more than two years ago. I can remember very clearly.
      Mum was very sick and recovering from cancer, I was jobless and broke, instead of doing nothing, I had to work as a cleaner for 2 hours everyday between 12 midnite to 2 am to earn 20 SGD to cover my daily food and transport expenses. It was not enough and I have no money left.
      I cannot take bus, taxi or train to work, otherwise I will be working for nothing, situation was so bad, I had to walk to work.
      It was not the safest job, I had to drain very hot oil into a oil drum beside scrubbing and washing the kitchen.
      Life has improve a lot for me now, I am back working in the comfort of a office again. It was so easy to forget my rock bottom days and take thing for granted, worst still making the same mistake and falling back into the same hole.

    • #14412
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      Checking my unrealistic expectations regularly has done wonder to my life and improves the quality of my recovery.
      Any unexpected changes in life in the past can really upset me, any shortfall can lead me to be very disturbed, discontented, and frustrated, it can throw my recovery off balance. It has triggered me many times.
      Ever since I learn about myself having unrealistic high expectations and making adjustment in that areas, I am a more balance and happy person now. I am not perfect, life is not perfect, It is ok for things to turn out not according to my plans and expectations, it is really ok, this is life.
      There are so many unexpectated events and things beyond our control that can happen in life.
      In my worst case in the past, they are usually finance, and work related, next are people related, health related, the list can go on and on.
      Most importantly, many things is not ok in life but I feel ok , grateful and contented. I don’t have to force a change, I don’t have to do anything, just trust God and hand it over.
      Thank you God.

    • #14413
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      My head tell me I need to go total abstinence from all form of acting out come 2016.
      I have learned from the experience in 2015 many benefits, I have so many weakness and desires inside, and there are so many temptations outside.
      Each time I deny my urge and the craving feeling, each time I resist and walk away from the temptation; it gives me the practice I need and training in real life to help me grow in strength in recovery.
      At some point of time, it will no longer be about struggles and fighting the thought, resisting or white knuckle recovery, I will start to develop gratitude contentment that help me to let go with joy.
      I am human, I love to indulge in selfish and self-seeking ways, it comes natural to me. From time to time, I may either drift or I may lost myself completely in the moment. I need to constantly check myself before I spiral down into another rock bottom and I need a clear mind to be able to do that..
      I was selfish and irresponsible for a long time, that explain why I felt it was ok for me to be involved in gambling, I am willing to accept the risk as long as it can give me a chance to win more money even if there was risk, I knew the consequences if I lost but I just do not care.
      Many times I felt that I was not stupid, I thought I was good at what I was doing, that was one of my biggest problem, I don’t think it can happen to me if I am more careful. Sometimes I had the awareness but was just very self-centered and selfish, I don’t care anymore about the consequences, I just want to act out what my mind tell me to do.
      Most people would not want to be involved in any activity that has risk or bring them harm but not a gambler or addict. I only do things that give me fun, I will not do things that made me feel any struggle or hardship, stress and discomfort, many times that means saying no and stopping myself. I did what I did because I thought I was right but I was blind and cannot see.
      I could not do it for myself and my love ones in the past but I found that it was easier to do it for my Higher Power.
      The longest I was able to remain total abstinence from all form of acting out in 2015 was a little more than 6 months, there are tough days but It help give me a clearer mind and strength to be safe for the other 6 months in 2015.
      There is a price for me to pay for a satisfying and safe 2016
      it means going total abstinence or fast when the year start for me
      Am I willing to do that?
      I was a selfish person, I don’t sacrifice myself.
      I need God to help me.
      The reward is big, it help me become responsible and fulfil my obligations for rest of the year.

    • #14414
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear dairy,
      I am preparing for year 2016 now.
      I will still have financial responsibilities and obligations next year.
      I check myself and notice there is something awfully wrong with my thought
      I want year 2016 to be like year 2015 and receive all the goodness in recovery “but” I don’t wish to put in the same hard work I did in year 2015. No one likes to feel stress, uncomfortable, struggles and hardship by working hard. Guess it is not going to work this way.

    • #14415
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      Today this message cross my mind that I am going to be walking down the same street in year 2016.

      Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

      Chapter 1

      I walk down the street,
      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I fall in.
      I am lost, I am hopeless. It take forever to find a way out.

      Chapter 2

      I walk down the same street,
      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I pretend I dun see it,
      I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place.
      But I believe it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

      Chapter 3

      I walk down the same street, There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I see it is there, I still fall in
      It‘s a habit. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately

      Chapter 4

      I walk down the same street, There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I walk around it

      Chapter 5

      I walk down another street.

    • #14416
      vera
      Sudionik

      Thanks for posting to my thread, Kin.
      I read your posts a lot.
      They inspire me and bring great Peace.

    • #14417
      kin
      Sudionik

      Luke 22:34
      Jesus said to Peter, “Before dawn, you will deny me three times.”
      Matthew 26:40-43
      40 Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping.
      41 “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
      Genesis 15:1
      “ Fear not, Abram, I am your shield; your reward shall be very great.”
      Luke 8:50
      “Don’t be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed.”

    • #14418
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      Feeling stress today! It was not from gambling, debt, work or people but the feeling felt the same. I was moody today and thought of acting out / fix this feeling.

      I have been making full use of my idle time in the office to do floor mat exercise. These high intensity interval exercises was tough for a beginner like me.
      On my off day like today, I jog and had a good workout in the early morning.
      I can feel the effect after the exercise, been getting the painful and stressful body ache.
      Mentally I need to be stronger to deal with these physical pain and mental stress.
      it has backfire on me in the past when I got confuse by this feeling; thinking it was from something else and I had to fix it

      Let’s see how it goes, how long can I carry on
      I hope I can do this regularly for a year.

      One unexpected bonus was the better quality of sleep.
      Think this exercise regime is going to be a blessing in disguise in the long run. I am thankful that I can tell where the stressful feeling come from and still remain calm, so I didn’t have to panic and do anything impulsive to correct the feeling. Now I don’t get confuse, and lost due to this stress, I can tell that they are not from the debt, gambling, work or people.
      There was a time I had problem with gambling and debt, work and people, my recovery program, and health all at the same time. When I felt stress, I can only guess where the stress is coming from but never sure which one but always blame it on my gambling and debts.
      Like the autobiographic of an addict, I may feel the same stress now, but I don’t get trap by it anymore and do the same thing in the past now, in fact I don’t have to do anything.
      I am not fit now. If I can continue doing this regularly for a period, it will go away.
      It is ok, don’t panic!

    • #14419
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      When I look at year 2015 in year 2014
      I was thinking, this is what I am going to do.
      The goal looks big and has many ways for a gambler like myself to fail along the way.
      Frankly I was not very confident, it look achievable on paper but has never work.

      I have a habit of sabotaging myself, the problem was me.
      When the going gets tough and I look to myself, I just cannot find the strength and endurance to carry on but when the going gets tough and I look to God, things change, my life change
      When things are doing well and I look to myself, I can grow arrogant, proud and careless but when things are doing well and I look to God, I can remain humble and mindful.

      One day at a time, stay focus, check myself regularly
      make sure I am still moving in the right direction and not drifted

      One month at a time
      Complete one thing at a time

      The first few months was always the toughest
      Many times I have to dig the deepest to persist and carry on.
      In the last few months, the results are already showing
      The results will be very encouraging and become the driving force as the finishing line gets closer.

    • #14420
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      nothing traumatic happen today but notice this exercise is making me moody.
      the beginning is always the most difficult.

      the thought was there but not wasting my money on body massage and gambling, I cannot afford them, I still want to but I don’t need to, they are not important.

    • #14421
      kin
      Sudionik

      What is Gambling Addiction?
      In 2013, the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) classified compulsive gambling as an addictive disorder similar to substance (drug and alcohol) addiction.
      Gambling addiction is considered a type of process addiction in which an activity stimulates the brain in a similar way that drugs and alcohol do – to the point that an addicted gambler will pursue the activity at all costs.
      Signs and Symptoms of Gambling Addiction
      Problem gambling, or gambling addiction can be seen in a variety of ways, but the most obvious symptoms are as follows:
      1. Gambling when you do not have money.
      Gambling can be fun when you have money to spare. But when funds are low and gambling still takes priority, this is definitely a sign of addiction.
      2. Borrowing or stealing money in order to gamble.
      When funds have fun out, addicts will do anything to get more money in order to place more bets. In these cases, problem gamblers will often take out loans, or turn to family and friends to borrow money. When nobody is willing to lend any more money, the only option left is to steal cash or items that they can sell.
      3. Gambling to change or enhance your mood.
      Did you have a great day at work and want to go out gambling to celebrate? Did you get in a fight with a spouse and want to gamble to make yourself feel better? When gambling becomes a way to alter your mood, it is a sign of a developing (or developed) addiction.
      4. Gambling for longer than intended.
      This is something that happens frequently with problem gamblers. They will intend to play a couple rounds of cards, or place just a few bets in the casino – but those couple rounds can turn into many rounds, and money will start to disappear quickly.
      5. Lying about how much you gamble.
      Denial is a big part of any addiction. It is hard to admit to that an activity has so much control over one’s life, and thus a problem gambler will begin to lie about their gambling habits. They will lie to loved ones about where they were and where their money has gone. And they will lie to themselves as well – most frequently they believe they can stop when they want to, but that is not the case. Especially if they have depleted their funds and still continue to gamble.
      6. Feelings of remorse after gambling.
      When the adrenaline of placing bets is over, and the reality of their monetary losses sets in, remorse takes over. Remorse is a clear sign that gambling has stopped being fun and has begun to be a serious problem.
      Effects of Gambling Addiction
      The most obvious effect of this addiction is loss of money which leads to unpaid bills, credit collectors and even the loss of their home and car. A gambling addict will also often get so wrapped up in gambling that they miss work and social events which could result in job loss and problems in their close relationships.
      Gambling Addiction Treatment
      Gambling addiction treatment can be administered in both outpatient or inpatient treatment centres which will depend on several factors including the severity of the addiction and the lifestyle and responsibilities of the addict, among others.
      It is important to find an addiction rehabilitation centre that has experience dealing with process addictions, as some addiction treatment centres focus on drugs and alcohol only. It is also important to seek help as soon as you are aware of the problem, as the sooner an addiction is treated, the higher the chances are of a successful recovery.

    • #14422
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      Today I learn something new from men over 50s who have successfully transform their body.

      If I want to grow, I would need to step out of my comfort zone. I have to learn to accept this healthy stress, discomfort and pain.

      To induce the testosterones and growth hormones, I need to increase the intensity of my exercise.

      I notice I am getting moody and stress from a new exercise routine doing the M100 but when I return to my more familiar routine of jogging on my other day, I actually feel good.

      One day at a time, it all adds up

    • #14423
      kin
      Sudionik

      Thank you God for helping me to do what I cannot in 2015.
      Thank you for everything.
      Father I pray to you that 2016 will be a better year in Jesus name. Amen.

    • #14424
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I have never talk about my sleep much in my journal,it has always been a problem for me for many years since young. I either suffer from insomnia or I struggle to fall asleep.

      I remember when I push myself doing exercise in the past, the pain I felt in the back and leg when I lie down actually made me struggle to fall asleep.

      I am experiencing something different now, I didn’t push myself as hard but I try, I do floor exercises on my working days and jog on my off days, I do it around 3 minutes each time for the floor exercise at an hour interval for a few cycles. When I reach home after work, I find myself so sleepy I can doze off to sleep very easily. This was an unexpected benefit. On my off day, I slow jog for more than 15 minutes.

      10 days has pass doing this routine, the quality of sleep has improved. I am challenging myself to do this for 100 days, one day at a time. When I started, I don’t have the confident and don’t know whether I can last my first 10 days but it did, now the journey continues.

    • #14425
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I was thinking about what will be my biggest challenge this year in 2016 now and It got to do with giving up my self-will and seeking God’s will. It will be about giving up my selfish, self seeking ways.

      God’s love is great, God is awesome!

    • #14426
      maverick.
      Sudionik

      Happy new year Kin, I hope 2016 is going to be a good year for you, keep fighting the good fight and always know you are never alone, take care and wish you all the very best.

      Maverick

    • #14427
      p
      Sudionik

      Kin i just want to say i wish you a fantastic year this year. The change in you is incredible. You have changed a great deal to the Kin i used to know here. You are very inspiring.

      P

    • #14428
      kin
      Sudionik

      This, then, is how you should pray
      Our Father in Heaven, may your name be kept holy.
      May your Kingdom come soon
      May your will be done on earth as it is in heaven
      Give us today the food we need, and forgive us our sins as we have forgiven those who sin against us.
      And don’t let us yield to temptation, but rescue us from the evil one. In Jesus ‘s name I pray.
      Amen

    • #14429
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      It is 6 am now, my favorite time of the year, coolest period in the year. I just came out of the toilet with deep thoughts and feeling about what has happen. I see fresh blood in my stool, and I have mixed feelings , there was joy and relief, a little helplessness but contentment in my feeling.
      In the last week or two, I notice I was having difficulty passing out motion smoothly, nothing much seem to be coming out.
      In the last week, I notice I was unable to do as many repetitions when doing burpees, mountain climbing and squat jump.
      Yesterday I was puzzle why I felt tired after jogging for more than 2 km when I normally only felt this after completing close to 3 km.
      In the past, life was a mess. Debts, gambling, alcohol and relationship problems was dominating my life, other problems such as health become secondary and when it happen, it just made me felt more helpless and hopeless, life is more diifficult and I struggle to put order and calm in my life.
      Today, there was more peace and stability and joy in my life. I don’t have to beat and doubt myself anymore unlike in the past.
      With more experience and higher awareness, I have suspected that it was my intestine giving me problem and affecting my strength, and energy but there was no evident until today when I see blood. I was actually relieved and happy that I don’t have to always doubt myself and my character anymore, the self-beating and punishment has stop. I have started to live life and I am healing and growing emotionally and spiritually now.
      Life is not perfect, my health was not perfect after more than 20 years of substance abuse but I am honestly happy with the way things are now, finally I can see the light in my life now and there are so many reasons to be grateful and contented, there are less pain and suffering in my life now, by the Grace of God. I wouldn’t want to change it for anything else.
      It is that time and beginning of a new year, I have been thinking and undecided of what to post here.
      In recovery, people talk about giving up control and handing over control to a Higher Power but how? In the beginning, I just wanted to remind myself to give up my self-centeredness, selfish, and self-seeking ways now.
      Handover to a Higher Power? How? It became easier for me now after I tried to get to know Jesus Christ and read HIS words.
      I didn’t forget that I started writing my journal here in 2008, I used to love reading the journal belonging to this person called “rootless tree”.
      Thank you GT, everyone in GT especially P, Vera, Ken, Harry, Bettie, Kathryn and rootless tree.

      Thank you God for everything.

    • #14430
      kathryn
      Sudionik

      Hi kin,
      If you dont find improvement with your ‘activities’ please go to a doctor and have things checked. It could be something simple and easily fixed. Just don’t wait too long!!!
      I have always enjoyed your deeply thought out posts, full of spirituality and a deep sense of self.
      Thank you for remembering me, it means a lot and I’m so so happy to read how you are living your life, looking after yourself and being so positive.
      Take care, K xxx

    • #14431
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      I knew the only cure to my recovery was a spiritual one. I didn’t do well.
      After reading Kathryn post, it got me thinking.
      What has work for me last year and where have I failed terribly at it.
      When I ask myself what is spirituality and what does it mean? I had a hard time trying to put it in words. I found this explanation online.
      Spirituality is the concept of immaterial reality, an inner path enabling a person to discover the soul or essence of his/her being.
      Generally, the term spirituality refers to an individual sense of inner well-being, meaning and purpose, eg. Why are we here? What is our purpose? What is the meaning of life?
      Spirituality is about looking within and finding what I seek within myself, my body will die one day, for me maybe sooner or later.
      Today I realized, am I being very self-centered, selfish and self-seeking if all I am concern about was whether God care about me, whether God is angry with me, whether God is please with me more than seeking and following God’s will and God’s way.
      One of the first thing that I learn about spirituality was about this saying that a religious person may not be spiritual but a spiritual person may be religious.
      Spiritual growth is master through practice, practice and more practice.

    • #14432
      kin
      Sudionik

      How did I fail

      I have allow my 5 senses; sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch to determine my decision.

      I don’t want to work hard, be patient, and live life in poverty

      So take away the monetary gain found in gambling, there are no more reason to do it anymore.
      I will have to work hard, gambling does not need me to work harder.
      I will have to be more patient and wait until the end of the month for my salary; gambling winning is quicker and faster.
      I will have to live within my salary limit, gambling winnings has no limit.
      Gambling was a long term lie I tell myself and it gave me false hope.

      When something bad had happen or nothing bad had happen, it could just simply be some temporary body hormones or chemical change; it can make me feel lousy, moody, helpless and losing control. I have a habit to try to correct these feelings.

      Gambling gave me some level of control. It is predictable, either I win or lose, I am in control, I control the bet, head or tail, favourites or outsider, the amount I bet, all or nothing. It gave me a false sense of in control feeling I cannot get from people at home and at work. It offers me an escape from real life problem when I am in the middle of it. Even when I lost all, it is predictable; gambling like alcohol, many times changes the state of my mind and numbs my feelings.

      When I hear someone making unreasonable request, raising their voice and yelling at me, I will react instinctively because I cannot tolerate shame, humiliation, unfairness and unjustly treatment. When I feel physical and mental discomfort, suffering and pain, I get very stress, restless, anxious and panic. I want to correct this feeling. When I listen to me, I become very self-centred, selfish and self-seeking; I start to lose my focus and awareness of a power greater than me.

      Many times, my problem was not the most important I had.

      Apostle Peter told Christians they are to rejoice in suffering for Christ because, in so doing, He is being glorified.

      Prayer
      Heavenly Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth, let your name be made holy throughout all eternity. You gave Your one and only Son, who willingly suffered, bled, and died and defeating death, rose on the third day so that we may have eternal life and a close relationship restored to You.

      Until that day of eternal rest comes, please lead, guide, and direct us through life’s sufferings. help us to walk in the light of Your righteousness for Your namesake. Help us to rejoice in righteous suffering we pray in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour. Amen.

    • #14433
      charles
      Moderator

      Kin, I’m with kathryn on this one. You are a valued member of this site, please make sure you are getting the correct medical advice regarding any health issues.

      I’m not a believer myself but if there is a God he gave us the ability and knowledge to develop the medical advances and help that we have. As you are a believer then please don’t ignore that help. HE/SHE put it there for a reason.

    • #14434
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I am going to start going total abstinence tomorrow.
      I am seeking progress in recovery, as there is much room for improvement in my recovery.

      Going total abstinence last year help me achieve a safe and secure outcome, it was during this period that 100% of my income was accountable but it progressively goes down to 80% due to gambling losses end of the year. Last year was good, but it can be better.

      I knew what I need to do.
      I must be WILLING to do it.
      There will be good days and bad days in this journey but the reward is worth it.

    • #14435
      kin
      Sudionik

      Luke 15:11-24(NIV)
      The Parable of the Lost Son
      11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.
      13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living.
      14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
      17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!
      18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.
      19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.
      “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
      21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
      22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.
      23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate.
      24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

    • #14436
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I am taking my own moral inventory.
      Many times, I have shown weakness; I can be very impatience.
      I have struggled to be still, waiting is hard.
      I did not let go and let God.

      Definition of patience:
      able to accept or tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious:

      Romans 15:4
      For whatever things were written before, were written for our learning, that we through the patient and comfort of the scripture might have hope.
      Psalm 37:7
      Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices.

      Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him

      Just for today, I will remind myself : it will not go well with me if I am in the driving seat and have not trusted in Christ. Do not envy anyone who prosper in gambling. Have faith, and have no fear to let go of any potential winning through gambling. Do not be afraid and worry about the one who prosper in unjust and wicked ways.

      In the last 30 years of my life, many times I have winning when I gamble but this is the TRUTH, my winning is always short, it has never last.

      Waiting on God when Life is Hard

      Five instructions for waiting on God in difficult situations
      1. Take the long view of circumstances
      2. Trust God and His Plan
      3. Delight in God
      4. Turn Your Life over to God
      5. Wait. Silently and Patiently. On God.
      Christian life is one of delayed gratification.

    • #14437
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      Today I must remember that my recovery will fail if I only attend church, read the Bible and listen to God‘s word but do not follow them.
      We are liars if we claim to be Christians but don’t obey. It’s in the Bible, I John 2:4, TLB.
      “Someone may say, ‘I am a Christian; I am on my way to heaven; I belong to Christ.’ But if he doesn’t do what Christ tells him to, he is a liar.”

      Today I must remind myself that I have tumble and fall many times in the past because I only read about the 12 steps program and share, I was not willing to follow the steps and do the hardwork.
      Today I must remember that my unrealistic expectation on myself and others is not going to help my recovery. Life is not perfect, people are not perfect.
      There are going to be good days in recovery but be prepared and get ready, there will be some hard or suffering days in recovery.
      It doesn’t matter if anyone feel that I am lowering the standard, I don’t wish to set myself up for failure by having unrealistic expectations. I am a recovering person, I seek progress in my recovery, not perfection.
      Recently, my frequent impatience with God, people, my finance and recovery have caught my attention, it highlight and shows that I actually love myself more than anyone, I love money and the material comfort, enjoyment it can bring me more than anything else. I am not willing to tolerate and endure shame, humiliation, hardship, pain, stress and suffering. I need to seek and get closer to God, I need to know God better.

      I have belittled waiting too, I never thought that waiting was something hard.
      After the experience last year, I do feel excited about year 2016. The reward is great.
      In 2015, I have experience and realized the truth mentioned in the promises of God and the 12 steps recovery program.
      It really works!

    • #14438
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      Day one has passed, what were my thought, feeling and action yesterday.
      What do I have to be total abstinence from?
      What did I learn?

      Thoughts
      It is one of the easier day one I will ever have. I am trying to break free from the old ways and starting a new one this year. Like all day one, there are thoughts to act out but they are not unmanageable.
      The thought crossed my mind to visit a casino, sports betting outlet and massage parlor, it is natural , these are things I allow myself to do in the past.
      Don’t tell me I am going to fail on my first day.
      I have so many desires, practicing total abstinence from all these desires, urges and temptations will help me develop the strength and self-control I need to stay stop for the rest of the year.
      Feelings
      I felt some fear and anxiety yesterday. The fear comes from paying my bills, after doing that, my saving will become smaller. I am afraid I will not have enough money end of the year to carry out my plan.
      When I focus on myself, I also have fear that I may lose my job and everything will fall apart
      I have the money; I wanted to use the money I had to change my situation, using it to win some money to cover the bills. Not carrying out my thoughts , not taking control and feeling uncertain about things made me anxious. I experience some struggle to stay still and not do anything.
      I do not have a genuine need for an expensive massage, it was just another form of acting out to fix the lousy feeling I had just like using food and alcohol.
      Action
      I just have to listen and trust God more and myself less. I don’t have to change anything.
      I am going to give up earning easy money that I do not have to work hard for. Yes, they are a very big temptation, but I have discover that the good time from gamble is normally short. I am not gambling.
      I am handing over my control to God, HE has always deliver. When I am in the driving seat, I always get into trouble, I am letting go of the steering wheel.
      Look at last year, same time this year I can only wish that I could finish some repayment plans I had by end of the year, it is a dream, they normally never come true for me in the end. Ever since I start to listen and follow His words, my wish came true for the first time without the gambling and other short cuts. I will continue to have faith and trust God. I will continue to learn to let go of my self-will and seek God’s will.

      Thank you God. You are the one and only almighty God who can help me to break my chain of slavery to addiction and love for money.

    • #14439
      kin
      Sudionik

      Please share this video with someone who is on the verge of giving up or feeling hopeless- Now is not the time to give up…

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpDkon5oZLc

    • #14440
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I just read this article on control, I have never taken such a close look at this before. I have never been able to find the right words to describe what I am feeling and going through properly in the past until now.

      Sometime things go much more smoothly when I give up control
      —when I allow them to happen instead of making them happen.

      There are three things I know for sure about trying to control things:
      1. We try to control things because of what we think will happen if we don’t.
      In other words, control is rooted in fear.

      2. Control is also a result of being attached to a specific outcome
      —an outcome we’re sure is best for us, as if we always know what’s best.
      When we trust that we’re okay no matter what circumstances come our way, we don’t need to micro-manage the universe. We let go.
      And we open ourselves to all sorts of wonderful possibilities that aren’t there when we’re attached to one “right” path.

      3. The energy of surrender accomplishes much more than the energy of control.

      When there is thought to take over control, my vision gets very narrow and focused, my breath is shallow, adrenaline is pumping and my heart rate increases.
      My mind shifts from topic to topic and from past to future very quickly, and I have little concentration, poor memory, and almost no present-moment awareness.

      In surrender mode,
      I’m calm, peaceful. Breathing deeply, present in the moment. I see clearly and my vision extends out around me, allowing me to (literally) see the bigger picture.

      So the great irony is that attempting to control things actually feels less in control.

      When I notice that I am in the control mode and want to let go but how? How do I let go ?

      Consciously and deliberately shifting into surrender energy.
      For example, when I become aware that I’m in control mode and want to gamble again, I imagine that I’m in a small canoe planning to paddle upstream, against the current. It’s a fight. That’s what control mode feels like to me.
      When I choose to let go of gambling and surrender, I visualize me dropping the oars, and floating downstream.
      I’m being gently pulled, no effort necessary on my part. Simply breathing and saying, “Let go of the oars” is usually enough to get me there.

    • #14441
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I attended a 12 steps recovery support group meeting and workshop today. Met a few new recovering person, right from the beginning, my mind is set on carrying the message of hope to them, that the program works.

      The anonymous group normally will not encourage me helping someone financially, they will call me an enabler.

      But I believe my Higher Power is merciful and will offer grace and hope to the new recovering person. If my sponsor was around, he would have done the same. if I am a new recovering person and in need, I will appreciate the assistance.

      God ‘s blessing is abundant. I felt that what I have is enough for me, there is nothing to fear. I have peace today, if I lose my job, I will find another one, there is nothing to fear. I trust God.

      There was purpose in my life today. I was a messenger and I delivered, love, knowledge and money.

    • #14442
      vera
      Sudionik

      In my opinion lending money to an active gambler can enable him/her to gamble more or maybe it will bring us to our senses. My husband often baled me out so did my son and daughter unknowingly. I know this is frowned on my The Powers That be but here is a greater Power Who sees everything.
      Maybe he put you in this person’s life today to teach him and you the true meaning of Charity.
      Good intentions will always be blessed.
      Who knows where that person would end up if his immediate need wasn’t met.
      I paid back every cent to my husband that he lent me.
      I believe in restitution.
      I also believe that “it is in giving that we receive”.
      Passing on hope and love is a far greater gift but empty bellies don’t have much hope or love so feeding that person was your priority Kin.
      Well done on seeing the wider picture.

    • #14443
      kin
      Sudionik

      Hi Vera,

      I just hope that this little act will give this man more hope in recovery, in life, in other man. I was only a stranger to him before yesterday. Hope this little act can renew his belief, there are still someone out there who care and love him unconditionally. That happen to me. I have stop believing until someone show me God’s grace and love.

      A newcomer can walk in homeless, penniless, jobless, alone, hungry and sick. This is tough. Only God can save us.

      Recovery is a spiritual program. I was used as a tool, a messenger yesterday, my Higher Power loves that man.

      Today I am just another broken pot. Isn’t it beautiful to see God use a broken pot to shine light on another. May that man shine brighter than me. In Jesus ‘s name I pray. Amen!

    • #14444
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      It was easier in the second year compare to the first year when I am doing this.

      Today I just want to remind myself that I cannot serve 2 masters.

      Matthew 6:24
      “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth.

      I don’t wish to idolize myself, my money, my job anymore, it only make me very self-centered, selfish and self-seeking. When I made how I feel and what I want a top priority, I only made things difficult for myself, I made giving up self-will and seeking God’s will harder for myself.

      When me, my money and my job is not a top priority, when I made God a top priority, it help me break the chain and I become free and safe.

      I am no more held hostage by life circumstances, I have live with less money while in debt, any money I earn now is more than that, it will be enough, I will have no fear. If the working environment is not safe for my recovery, I will have no fear to change my job, I can live with lesser money now, it is enough.

      When money is enough, I don’t need to gamble for more.

      Daily I must remember to think of God more and myself less.

    • #14445
      kin
      Sudionik

      Please watch these clips, a picture is worth a thousand words.




      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fC6RP6tZ1Q

      I have seen the above clips in the past, but It was only now that I get this strong feeling and a different message.

      I can actually see myself in there now, I was actually the homeless man, God was the provider, I was just grateful and glad to share His love and grace with others.

      finally after struggling for so many years, look like I am slowly changing because there are times I really cannot find the old me in the new things I do now.

      Never look down on anybody unless you are helping them up

    • #14446
      p
      Sudionik

      I always love your broken pot analogy. I love the things you post they always get me thinking. Thank you for your post to me and thank you for still being here inspiring others with your thought provoking posts.. stay strong Kin.. see you soon

      P

    • #14447
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I have heard of this recovery slogan in the past

      True humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less

      I find it easier to think of God more and think of myself less.

    • #14448
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      A stone cutter may strike the rock 99 times with no apparent effect,
      not even a crack on the surface.
      Yet with the hundredth blow, the rock splits in two.

      It was not the final blow that did the trick,
      but all that had gone before.

      We may pursue a goal for months without obvious results
      we become convinced that we are wasting our time.

      But if we continue going to meeting, share about our struggles and perservere,
      taking it one day at a time, and be patient with ourselves,
      We may awaken one day, to find that we have changed , seemingly overnight.

      Faith and hard work has made the changes possible one day.
      The result has revealed all the promises and the truth in recovery one day.
      It took me more than 10 years to finally see the promises materialise in my eyes. It would have taken me longer if I had not found the true Higher Power to help me do what I cannot do in the last 2 years.

      I was very happy, excited and convinced by the truth I experienced. I am more motivated, have more faith and trust, confident in practicing what I learn in my personal experience and work for myself.
      I am not going to be discourage, it was mentioned in the promises it will take some people sooner some people later.
      I had a choice to be lenient in my practice but it was not a choice for me in the beginning if I want my year to end safe and good. I need to repair and strengthen my brakes and go total abstinence at the beginning of the year.
      For how long? As long as I can as I do not have the facts and figures to answer this question now but it has proven that after 6 months of perseverance, I would have repair and strengthen my brakes enough to protect me until the end of the year. I strongly emphasise for myself, this will only last me until the end of the year and no more.
      I can felt my strength weaken when I was lenient and stop practicing total abstinence after August last year. I actually become weaker and weaker in strength as time passes when I did nothing in recovery. If I did not go total abstinence at the beginning of this year, I am very very sure disaster is just waiting to happen to me down the road.
      It is all about practice, practice and more practice.
      Practice giving up self-will and seeking God’s will.
      Mark 8:34-35 (NIV) Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.”

    • #14449
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I was never good with words, I always need to read up to find the right word to describe my feeling.

      Was googling just now and found this article in the link below.
      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3410538/So-s-s-hard-break-habit-Scans-reveal-repetitive-behaviours-rewire-brain-cause-lasting-damage.html

      It describe what I am doing.
      Repetitive behaviors rewire our brains
      I have been trying to strengthen my “stop” cells and weakening my “go“ cells at the start of every year since last year. It works.

    • #14450
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      Please don’t let my pride destroy me
      Don’t let my pride tell me I am experience, that I have the knowledge to know what to do, the confident in handling my own money and I don’t need help.
      It is possible for me to gamble again. All men are selfish at heart and have their price. Some may hold out longer than others, I have a breaking point too, and can compromise.

      Help me to behave like it was my first day in recovery
      Please do not allow me to feel embarrassed, ashamed, inferior, and afraid that everyone will look down at me, help me be brave, and have no fear because it takes deep strength to be honest and humble
      Am I selfish and self-centered, and only love myself, love myself more than anyone else because it need love for my family to want to do it.

      If I am really sincere and honest about wanting to change
      Don’t lie, don’t deceive myself, don’t made any excuse, don’t delay. Do not hesitate to do this;
      Go build and put up barriers to protect my recovery and myself.

      So that when I want to gamble, I cannot go because I am banned from these places.
      If I want to gamble, and cannot stop myself from going to one, I could not gamble because I do not have access to any extra money to gamble.

      I must work hard,
      I must practice and walk the talk to stand any chance to get well,
      otherwise If I do nothing and talk the walk only, my chance is slim.
      So help me God!

      It works if you work it. It is worth it! we are worth it!

    • #14451
      kin
      Sudionik

      Romans 2:4
      Paul is saying, “If you think that you can get away with sin because God is kind, tolerant, and patient, you’re greatly mistaken! His kindness should lead you to repentance, not to self-righteous complacency.

      Romans 2:5
      You are storing up wrath for yourself because of your stubbornness and your heart that refuses to change. God’s just judgment will be revealed on the day of wrath.

      The self-righteous person picks parts of the Bible that he likes and pride himself on keeping those parts.

      Matt. 23:28
      “In the same way, outwardly you appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.”

      Dear diary,
      This was how I justify myself and blame my situations. I am so sorry.

      How I justify myself
      I am not using borrowed money to gamble. If I lost the bet, I think it is alright.
      This gamble is a good way to make fast money, I will not gamble everything I have, I will not be greedy. I still think that it is ok and I am right. If I lost the bet, it is alright. I feel that I can afford the lost when I really cannot.
      If I follow God’s will, I shall not gamble but my self-will think otherwise, I feel that I am right to go ahead to gamble.
      This gamble is an opportunity I cannot miss. Law of probability is on my side. I feel that my chances are high. My false confident never feel that the chances of a loss are high here. I still think that I am right. If I lost the bet, I think it is alright, I can afford it when I really cannot.
      I will not lose myself and go out of control. I can stop if things are not going well. I want to go ahead to do this gamble.
      How I blame my situation
      I am doing this because I need the money to service my loan and bills, increase my saving, renovate my place.

      How my lies hurt my recovery
      Engaging in games of chance, and gambling that depend on luck erodes my trust in God.

      When I lost my faith and trust in God, my Higher Power and the 12 steps recovery program, who else am I choosing to trust ? it will be me, I , myself.

      Everyone here knows when I am in the driver seat, I will get into troubles, sometime sooner sometime later.

    • #14452
      kin
      Sudionik

      Having come to carry out the will of the Father, Jesus remained faith to it right to the end.
      He thus carried out his mission of Salvation for all those who believe in him and love him, not in word, but in deed.

      Love is the condition for following him, but it is sacrifice that is proof of that love.

      “If anyone wished to come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (luke9:23)

      When the soldier came to arrest Jesus, Peter want Jesus to save himself.

      Matthew 16:23
      23 But Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance[a] to me.
      For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.”

    • #14453
      kin
      Sudionik

      Matthew 4:1-10

      Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.

      And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. And the tempter came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread.”

      But he answered, “It is written,

      “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

      Dear diary

      When I go total abstinence, and stop gambling, expect no windfall.

      When I pay my bills and service my loans responsibly, when I love and provide. I will experience low fund or have none. It will not be comfortable at times.

      Expect me to experience many temptations from the devil, I will experience many feeling of hunger for more money.

    • #14454
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      If Love is the condition
      If Sacrifice was proof of love.

      I have lived a life of many regrets in the past, I am 50 now.
      I do not wish to waste my remaining years finding an answer.

    • #14455
      p
      Sudionik

      Im not sure what is happening. Have you gambled? I may be reading your post wrong. When you say before total abstinence, does that mean you sometimes gamble?
      Sorry just a bit confused, whatever is happening Kin, its great you are here, working on recovery. I hope to see you again in chat soon again. I hope all is ok.

      P

    • #14456
      kin
      Sudionik

      Hi P,
      Thank you for your concern post, I appreciate it very much.
      I was just feeling a little disappointed and down, it all started when I look at last year and look at this year. I wanted very much to protect this year.
      I wish to continue practicing what kept me safe last year, I didn’t gamble when I was total abstinence but I didn’t have a perfect year, when I decided to be lenient and feel it was ok to stop practicing total abstinence, I saw how my pride and self righteousness take center stage and made up such convincing lies to myself that it was ok to go ahead to gamble. I just wrote down all those lies.
      What happen last year can happen this year if nothing changes. I am sure I can do better this year but first, I must be honest about my character defects and change.
      Potentially my character defects can make things difficult for me this year if I don’t do anything about them.
      I must change inside and I must also change outside. I decided that I need to transfer my additional money into a different account every month from now on so that I will have just enough for the month. Just in case I want to gamble, I will not have that kind of money to do it. I didn’t think I need to do that last year, I was not humble enough but other barriers was already put in place in the past.
      My first salary this year will come in next week, I need to start transferring money to a different account. I didn’t do that last year because I was manageable every month, I was strict with my money for more than 7 months until I lost my discipline and became lenient in my spending for the next 5 months, when I didn’t do enough, I even gamble when I want.
      My chances for a better year is slim if I do nothing different. I need to trust God more and trust myself less.

      I search the Bible for an answer, and found love and self-sacrifice was my answer to those lies I tell myself.

    • #14457
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I pray that this is a sign from my Higher Power, I am not in control, HE is. A sign HE is here. I must continue to believe more and have stronger faith in HIM.

      On Friday dated 28 Jan 2016, I attended a lunch time meeting, the daily reflections from AA,NA,GA,OA was on the table, I look at the reading in all of them, strangely enough most readings just don’t register in me except the one from OA on this day. I volunteer to read it when the meeting begin.

      Later, the company assign a new lady colleague on job attachment with me for the day, this is the first time I met her and I found out later that she has over eating health problem and knew the 12 steps recovery program.

      We talk. Praise God.

    • #14458
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      I felt that it was not healthy for me to remain in this company, work and working hours is going to increase but the pay shall remain the same .
      I am willing to work harder for less but I am powerless over people and is thinking hard but the decision was an easy one, my colleagues has been saying that my manager is unreliable and cannot be trusted and that my supervisor is prejudice and a racist. Worst still, they are turning at one another now, they are doing character assassinations and tearing others up.
      These people are not keeping the creator of my job, provider of my salary ‘s name clean, these colleagues are my brother and sister at work but they are tearing one another up.
      The last time I need to made a decision to leave my job and move on to something new, I found this one. I left people who is not helping my recovery and found this job, it was one of the best thing to happen.
      But now things at work have change in this company. I am now considering.
      I love what happen on 28th Jan 2016, I like to think that the experience I had was not an co-incident but an act of God showing me HE is here and in control.

      My Thoughts
      I was concern that it may be a bad call or decision when I tender my resignation.
      Feeling
      Surprisingly the anxiety and fear of the uncertainty and insecurity was not as high as I thought it will be especially after the experience on the same day attending the recovery lunch time meeting and at work on 28 Jan 2016..
      Action
      My superior was nice and want me to withdraw my resignation. I told them I will consider but still serve my notice of resignation, my last day is 27 April 2016, 3 months is a long time and enough for me to made a good decision

      Note:
      I check with my sponsor a few days later about this, he read it differently, he did not feel that it was a sign from my Higher Power that my resignation was right but instead he say it was a sign from my Higher Power to me to do mission work in this area with recovering people.

    • #14459
      kin
      Sudionik

      Mark 12:44
      The Poor Widow’s Offering
      …43Calling His disciples to Him, He said to them, “Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all the contributors to the treasury; 44for they all put in out of their surplus, but she, out of her poverty, put in all she owned, all she had to live on.”

      Dear diary,
      I am glad to find my answer in the bible.

      There is no need to feel ashamed or bad about giving away my limited time knowledge and money.

      Now I am ready to be more pro active in my community, but it is good to check myself first because ….

      In the past, there were many times I felt lousy or down because I feel that I was not good enough when I already gave my all, and there was also times I was holding back when I could have given more unconditionally.

      I have also committed these sins in the past, I blame and look down on someone for giving so little when they have given their all. I also give more importance to someone who gave more than everyone but it was done out of surplus for him.

      I was so shallow, judgmental, critical, unfair and unjust in the past.

    • #14460
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      Everything is very settled and falling in place. Unless I sabotage my own recovery, I am looking forward to the days ahead unfolding itself. It will reveal itself. I only need to wait.

      Trust God and be patience.

      Dated 28 Oct 2013 I wrote: One day more than a month ago, I woke up and found the strength to put a stop to the borrowing, gambling, and face the consequences.

    • #14461
      kin
      Sudionik

      Learning:
      Poor widow’s offering
      Sacrifice as proof of love
      If I do not know how to love my family who I can see, how can I know how to love my God who I cannot see

      In the past, I gave out of surplus
      In recovery I learn to love again and gave my all

      I had to love a stranger first before I experience how to love my family and God
      In the past, I love myself first and gave myself importance , I didn’t know how to love another person

      Money, Work and Gambling was important to me in the past.
      It is now replace by my love for God and my family.

      Recovery have change my life

    • #14462
      kin
      Sudionik

      The Step Working Guides
      The narrative is meant to provoke thought about the questions but is not meant to be comprehensive.
      The narrative is written in “we” voice in order to promote unity about what we all have in common: our addiction and recovery.

      The questions are written in “I” voice so that each member using these guides can personalize the work.

      The Step Working Guides is a companion piece to It works: How and Why.

      There’s probably only one inappropriate way to use these guides: alone.
      We can’t overemphasize the importance of working with a sponsor in working the steps.
      If you haven’t yet asked someone to sponsor you, please do so before beginning these guides.

      Merely reading all the available information about any of the 12 steps will never be sufficient to bring about a true change in our lives and freedom from our disease.

      To do that, we have to work them. 

      “We Admitted that we were powerless over our gambling, that our lives had become unmanageable.”
      ~ Step One

      A “first” of anything is the beginning, and so is the steps:
      The first step is the beginning of the recovery process.
      The healing starts here:
      We can’t go any further until we have worked this step.

      Our reasons for formally working step one will vary from member to member.
      • It may be we are new to recovery, and we have just fought –and lost – an exhaustive battle with gambling.

      • It may be that we have been around awhile, abstinent from gambling, but we have discovered that our disease has become active in some other area of our lives, forcing us to face our powerlessness and the unmanageability of our lives once again.

      Not every growth is motivated by pain; It may just be time
      to cycle through the steps again, thus beginning the next stage of our never ending journey of recovery.

      Now it is time to engage in some concrete activity that will help us find more freedom from our gambling, whatever shape it is currently taking.
      Our hope is to internalize the principle of Step One:
      To deepen our surrender and to make the principles of:

      • Acceptance
      • Humility
      • Willingness
      • Honesty
      • Open-mindedness a fundamental part of who we are.
      First we must arrive at a point of surrender
      There are many different ways to do this. For some of us,
      The road we traveled to the First Step was more than enough to convince us that unconditional surrender was our only option.
      Others start this process even though we are not entirely convinced that we are gambling addicts or that we have really hit bottom.
      Only in working the First Step do we truly come to realize that:
      • We are gambling addicts
      • We have hit bottom.
      • We must surrender.
      Before we begin working the First Step, we must become abstinent – whatever it takes
      If we are new
      Our First Step is primarily about looking at the effects of gambling in our lives and we need to get clean.
      If we have been clean awhile
      Our First Step is about our powerlessness over some other behavior that’s made our life unmanageable, we need to find a way to stop that behavior so that our surrender isn’t clouded by continued acting out.
      The Disease of Addiction
      What makes us addicts is the disease of addiction – not the casino, football matches.
      There is something within us that makes us unable to control our gambling.
      This same something also make us prone to obsession and compulsion in other areas of our lives.
      How can we tell when our disease is active?
      When we become trapped in Obsessive, Compulsive, and Self-centered routines.
      Endless loops that lead no-where but to physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional decay.
      1. What does the disease of addiction mean to me?
      2. Has my disease been active recently? In what way?
      3. What is it like when I am obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe.
      4. When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?
      5. How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?
      6. How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?
      Our addiction can manifest itself in a variety of ways.
      When we first come to gambler anonymous, our problem will, of course be gambling.
      Later on, we may find out that addiction is wreaking havoc in our lives in any number of ways.
      7. What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?
      8. Have I been obsessed with a person, place or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others? How else have I been affected mentally, spiritually, and emotionally by this obsession?
      Denial
      Denial is the part of our disease that tells us we don’t have a disease.
      When we are in denial, we are unable to see the reality of our addiction.
      • We minimize the effect.
      • We blame others, citing too high expectations of families, friends, and employers.
      • We compare ourselves with other addicts whose addiction seems “worse” than our own.
      • If we have been abstinent from gambling for some time, we might have compare the current manifestation of our addiction with our gambling, rationalizing that nothing we do today could possibly be as bad as that was!
      One of the easiest ways to tell that we are in denial is when we find ourselves giving plausible but untrue reasons for our behavior.
      Plausible: appearance of truth or reason; seemly worthy of approval or acceptance; credible; believable; pleasing or persuasive, rational, logical, acceptable, thinkable…
      9. Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?
      10. Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times?
      11. How have I blamed other people for my behavior?
      12. How have I compared my addiction with other’s addiction? Is my addiction “bad enough” if I don’t compare it to anyone else‘s?
      13. Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better?
      14. Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
      15. Am I avoiding action because I am afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I am worried about what others will think?
      Hitting bottom: Despair and Isolation
      Our gambling brings us to a place where we can no longer deny the nature of our problem.
      • All the lies,
      • all the rationalizations,
      • all the illusions
      fall away as we stand face to face with what our lives have become.
      • We realize we have been living without hope
      • We find we have become friendless
      • We are so completely disconnected that our relationships are a sham, a parody of love and intimacy.
      (Sham: a thing that is not what it is purported to be)
      (Parody in use: an imitation work created to imitate)
      Though it may seem that all is lost when we find ourselves in this state,
      The truth is that we must pass through this place before we can embark upon our journey of recovery.
      16. What crisis brought me to recovery?
      17. What situation led me to formally work Step One?
      18. When did I first recognize my gambling as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so how? If not, why not?

      Powerlessness
      As gambling addict, we react to the word “powerless” in a variety of ways.
      Some of us recognize that a more accurate description of our situation simply could not exist, and admit our powerlessness with a sense of relief.
      Others recoil at the word, connecting it with weakness or believing it to indicate some kind of character deficiency
      Understanding powerlessness
      – And how admitting our own powerlessness is essential to our recovery
      – will help us get over any negative feelings we may have about the concept.
      We are powerless when the driving force in our life is beyond our control.
      Our addiction certainly qualifies as such an uncontrollable, driving force.
      (One is too many, a thousand is not enough)
      • We cannot moderate or control our gambling or other compulsive behaviors, even when they are causing us to lose the things that matter most to us.
      • We cannot stop, even when to continue will surely result in irreparable physical damage.
      • We find ourselves doing things that we would never do if it weren’t for our gambling, things that make us shudder with shame when we think of them.
      • We may even decide that we don’t want to gamble, that we aren’t going to gamble, and realize we are simply unable to stop when the opportunity present itself.
      • We may have tried to abstain from gambling or other compulsive behaviors – perhaps with some success -for a period of time without a program, only to find that our untreated gambling eventually takes us back to where we are before.
      In order to work the first First Step, we need to prove our own individual powerlessness to ourselves on a deep level.
      19. Over what, exactly am I powerless?
      20. What have I done (I have done things) while acting out my gambling that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they?
      21. What things have I done to maintain my gambling that went completely against my beliefs and values?
      22. How does my personality change when I am acting out my gambling?
      (Do I become arrogant? Self- centered? Mean-tempered? Passive to the point where I can protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny? – complaining a lot or protest in a childish or annoying fashion, especially in a high pitched sound and sad voice)
      23. Do I manipulate other people to maintain my gambling? How?
      24. Have I tried to quit gambling and found that I couldn’t? Have I quit gambling on my own and found that my life was so painful without gambling that my abstinence didn’t last very long? What were those times like?
      25. How has my gambling caused me to hurt myself and others?
      Unmanageability
      The first step ask us to admit 2 things
      One, that we are powerless over our gambling
      Two, that our lives have become unmanageable.
      Our unmanageability is the outward evidence of our powerlessness.
      There are 2 general types of unmanageability
      • Outward unmanageability, the kind that can be seen by others;
      • Inner, or personal, unmanageability
      Outward unmanageability is often identified by such things as arrest, job losses, and family problems.
      • Some member have been incarcerated.
      • Some member have never been able to sustain any kind of relationship for more than a few months.
      • Some of us have been cut off from our families, ask never again to contact them.
      Inner, or personal unmanageability is often identified by unhealthy or untrue belief system about ourselves, the world we live in, and the people in our lives.
      • We may believe we are worthless
      • We may believe that the world revolves around us –not just that it should, but that it does
      • We may believe that it isn’t really our job to take care of ourselves, someone else should do that.
      • We may believe that the responsibilities the average person takes on as a matter of course are just too large a burden for us to bear
      • We may over or under react to event in our lives.
      • Emotional volatility is often one of the most obvious ways in which we can identify personal unmanageability.

      26. What does unmanageability mean to me?
      27. Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my gambling? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those things been?
      28. What trouble have I had at work or school because of my gambling?
      29. What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my gambling?
      30. What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my gambling?
      31. Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?
      32. Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?
      33. Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?
      34. Do I fall apart the minute things don’t go according to plan? How has this affected my life?
      35. Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?
      36. Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?
      37. Do I ignore signs that somethings may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe.
      38. When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my gambling? Describe.
      39. Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my gambling?
      40. Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.
      41. Do I gamble or act out my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress?
      Reservations
      Reservation are places in our program that we have reserved for relapse.
      They may be built around the idea that we can retain a small measure of control.
      • We may think that we can remain friends with people we gamble with?
      • We may think that certain parts of the program don’t apply to us.
      • We may think that there is something we just can’t face / stay clean – a serious illness, death of a loved one – and plan to gamble if it ever happens.
      • We may think that after we have accomplished some goal, made a certain amount of money, or been clean for a certain number of years, then we will be able to control our using.
      • Reservations are usually tucked away in the back of our minds; we are not fully conscious of them.
      • It is essential that we expose any reservations we may have and cancel them – right here, right now.

      42. Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?
      43. Do I think I can still associate with the people connected with my gambling? Can I still go to places where I gamble? Do I think it is wise to keep a betting account or paraphernalia around, just to remind myself or test my recovery? If so, why?
      44. Is there something I think I can’t get through clean, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I will have to gamble to survive the hurt?
      45. Do I think that with some amount of clean time or different life circumstances, I will be able to control my gambling?
      46. What reservation am I still holding on to?
      Surrender
      There is a huge difference between resignation and surrender.
      Resignation is what we feel when we realized we are gambling addict but have not yet accepted recovery as the solution to our problem. At some point of our life, we may have thought that it was our destiny to be a gambling addict, to live and to die like one.
      Surrender on the other hand, is what happen after we accepted the First Step as something that is true for us and have accepted that recovery is the solution.
      We don’t want our lives to be the way they have been.
      We don’t want to keep feeling the way we have been feeling.
      47. What am I afraid of about the concept of surrender, if anything?
      48. What convinces me that I can’t gamble successfully anymore?
      49. Do I accept that I will never regain control, even after a long period of abstinence?
      50. Can I began my recovery without a complete surrender?
      51. What would my life be like if I surrender completely?
      52. Can I continue my recovery without complete surrender?
      Spiritual Principles
      In the First Step, we will focus on honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, humility, and acceptance.
      Honesty
      The practice of honesty from the First Step starts with the admitting the truth about our gambling, and continues with the practice of honesty on a daily basis.
      When we say “I am a gambling addict” in a meeting. We begin to be able to be honest with ourselves and, consequently, with other people.
      53. If I have been thinking about gambling or acting out on my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or told anyone else?
      54. Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my addiction, no matter how long I have had freedom from active gambling?
      55. Have I notice that, now that I don’t have to cover up my gambling, I no longer need to lie like I did? Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? In what ways have I begun to be honest in my recovery?
      Open-mindedness
      Practicing the principle of open-mindedness found in Step One mostly involves being ready to believe that there might be another way to live and being willing to try that way.
      It doesn’t matter that we cannot see every detail of what that way might be or that it may be totally unlike anything we have heard about before
      What matters is that we don’t limit ourselves or our thinking
      Sometime we may hear things that sound crazy to us like “surrender to win” or suggestion to pray for someone we resent.
      54.What have I heard in recovery that I have trouble believing?
      Have I asked my sponsor, or the person I heard say it, to explain it to me?
      In what way am I practicing open-mindedness?
      Willingness
      • When we begin to think about recovery, many of us do not think it is possible for us
      • We don’t understand how it work
      • We go ahead with the first step anyway
      That is our first experience with willingness.
      Taking any action that will help our recovery shows willingness,
      Etc. Going to meeting, getting members phone number and calling them.
      56. Am I willing to follow my sponsor‘s direction?
      57. Am I willing to go to meeting regularly
      58. Am I willing to give recovery my best effort? In what ways?
      Humility
      It is expressed most purely in our surrender
      Humility is most easily identified as an acceptance of who we truly are – neither worse nor better (than we believed we were when we were using, just human).
      59. Do I believe that I am a monster who has poisoned the whole world with my gambling?
      60. Do I believe that my gambling is utterly inconsequential to the larger society around me? Or something in between? In society as whole? What is that sense?
      61. How am I practicing the principle of humility in connection with this work on the first Step.
      Acceptance
      To practice the principle of acceptance, we must do more than merely admit that we are gambling addict.
      When we accept our addiction, we feel a profound inner change that is underscored by a rising sense of hope. We also begin to feel peace.
      We come to terms with our addiction, with our recovery, and with the meaning those 2 realities will come to have in our lives.
      62.Have I made peace with the fact that I am a gambling addict?
      63.Have I made peace with the things I will have to do to stay clean?
      64.How is acceptance of my disease necessary for my continued recovery?

      Are we ready to move to Step Two?
      Have we work Step One well enough
      Are we sure it is time to move on
      Have we spend as much time as others may have spent on this step?
      Have we truly gain an understanding of this step?
      Many of us have found it helpful to write about our understanding of each step as we prepare to move on.

      65.How do I know it is time to move on?
      66. What is my understanding of Step One?
      67.How has my prior knowledge and experience affected my work on this step?

      We have come to a place where we see the results of our old way of life
      and accept that a new way is called for, we probably don’t yet see how rich with possibilities the life of recovery is.
      It may be enough just to have freedom from active gambling right now but soon we will find a void that we have been filling with gambling and other obsessive and compulsive behaviors. This void begs to be filled. Working the rest of the steps will fill that void.
      Next on our journey towards recovery is Step Two.

    • #14463
      kin
      Sudionik

      1. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ( Roman 7:18)

      1. Realized I am not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable. ( 8 principles based on the beatitudes by Pastor Rick Warren )

      First step. We must first admit and face our denial

      Denial:

      Acronym is an abbreviations formed from the letters in a word, words in a phrase. D: DIDN’T E: EVEN N: NOTICE I: AM L: LYING

      “You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there!”
      Escape
      By living on denial we may have escaped into a world of our own and unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others.
      The pain and suffering continue and become worst
      We have the false belief that denial protects us from our pain.
      In reality, denial allows our pain to fester and grow and turn into shame and guilt.
      “Before every man there lies a wide and pleasant road that seems right but end in death. (Proverbs 14:12 TLB)
      We felt we are doomed to die and saw how powerless we were to help ourselves. (2 Corinthians 1:9TLB)
      Anxiety is a side effect of denial.
      Anxiety causes us to waste precious energy and time
      Stress, hurt, frustrated, ashamed, running away from our past and worrying about the future. It is only in the present, today, where positive change can occur.

      [Worrying is a form of not trusting GOD
      “So don’t be anxious about tomorrow. GOD will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time”] (Mathew 6:34TLB)

      Stop denying the pain
      You are ready to take your first step in recovery when your pain is greater than your fear.
      “Pity me, O Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, for my body is sick, and I am upset and disturbed. My mind is filled with apprehension and with gloom” (Psalm 6:2-3 TLB)
      We are “as sick as our secrets.”
      We cannot grow in recovery until we are ready to step out of our denial into the truth.

      “They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of destructive habits – for a man is a slave of anything that has conquered him.” (2 Peter 2:19 GNB)

      Isolates us from GOD

      GOD’s light shines on the truth. Our denial keeps us in the dark.

      “GOD is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin”(1 John 1: 5-7)

      Alienates us from our relationships with people

      “Stop lying to each other; tell the truth, for we are parts of each other and when we lie to each other we are hurting ourselves” ( Ephesians 4:25 TLB).

      We are liars if we claim to be Christians but don’t obey. It’s in the Bible, I John 2:4, TLB.

      “Someone may say, ‘I am a Christian; I am on my way to heaven; I belong to Christ.’ But if he doesn’t do what Christ tells him to, he is a liar.”

      Hypocrites are liars. It’s in the Bible, James 3:14, TLB. ”

      And by all means don’t brag about being wise and good if you are bitter and jealous and selfish; that is the worst sort of lie.”

      Liars are excluded from the presence of God. It’s in the Bible,
      “No one who practices deceit will dwell in My house; no one who speaks falsely will stand in My presence.” Psalm 101:7, NIV.
      The dishonest are not allowed in the city of God. It’s in the Bible,

      “Outside the city are those who have strayed away from God, and the sorcerers and the immoral and murderers and idolaters, and all who love to lie, and do so.” Revelation 22:15, TLB.

      Whatever is covered up will be uncovered, and every secret will be made known. So then, whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in broad daylight.” (Luke12:2-3 GNB)

      “For light is capable of showing up everything for what it really is.
      It is even possible for light to turn the thing it shines upon into light also.” (Ephesians 5:13-14 Philips).

      Stop Playing God
      You are unable to do for yourself what you need GOD to do for you.

      You are either going to serve GOD or yourself. You can’t serve both.
      “No one can be a slave to two masters: he will hate one and love the other: he will be loyal to one and despise the other” (Mathew 6:24 GNB).

      Start admitting Your Powerless
      As you work the first principle, you will see that by yourself you do not have the power to change your hurts, hang ups and habits.
      “Jesus…said, “With man this impossible, but with GOD all things are possible.”(Mathew19:26)

      Start Admitting That Your life Has Become Unmanageable
      You can finally start admitting that some or all areas of your life are out of control to change.
      “Problems far too big for me to solve are piled higher than my head. Meanwhile my sins, too many to count, have all caught up with me and I am ashamed to look up” (Psalm 40:12 TLB).

      God will forgive. It’s in the Bible, I John 1:9, “But if we confess our sins to Him,
      He can be depended on to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. [
      And it is perfectly proper for God to do this for us because Christ died to wash away our sins.]”
      “Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor” (Mathew5:3 GNB)

    • #14464
      kin
      Sudionik

      Realized I am not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.
      Step 1
      We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.
      Principle 1 Prayer
      Dear God, Your Word tells me that I can’t heal my hurts, hang-ups, and habits by just saying that they are not there. Help me! Parts of my life, or all of my life, is out of control. I now know that I cannot “fix” myself. It seems the harder that I try to do the right thing the more I struggle. Lord, I want to step out of my denial into the truth. I pray for You to show me the way. In your Son’s name I pray, Amen.

      Write about it
      Lesson 1
      Denial
      1. What area of your life do you have power (control) over? Be specific.
      2. What areas of your life are out of control, unmanageable? Be specific.
      3. How do you think taking this step will help you?
      4. As a child, what coping skills did you use to get attention or to protect yourself?
      5. What was the “family secret” that everyone was trying to protect?
      6. How do you handle pain and disappointment?
      7. How do you address your denial?
      8. In what areas of your life are you now beginning to face reality and break the effects of denial?
      9. Are you starting to develop a support team? Are you asking for phone numbers in your meetings? List them on the inside back cover of this workbook!

      Lesson 2
      Powerless
      10. List some of the ways that your pride has stopped you from asking for and getting help you need to overcome your hurts, hang-up, and habits.
      11. What in the past has caused you to have the “if onlys”? “if only” I had stopped ________ years ago. “Only if” _______hadn’t left me.
      12. Instead of worrying about the things that we cannot control, we need to focus on what God can do in our lives. What are you worry about? Why?
      13. In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain? Be specific.
      14. How has holding on to your anger, your resentments, affected you?
      15. Do you believe that loneliness is a choice? Why or why not? How has your denial isolated you from your important relationships?
      16. Describe the emptiness you feel and some new ways you are findings to fill it?
      17. Selfishness is at the heart of most problems between people. In what areas of your life have you been selfish?
      18. Separation from God can feel very real, but it is never permanent. What can you do to get closer to God?
      Lesson 3
      Hope
      19. Before taking this step where were you trying to find hope?
      20. What do you believe about God? What are some of His characteristics?
      21. How are your feelings for your heavenly Father and your earthly father alike? How do they differ?
      22. How can your relationship with your Higher Power, Jesus Christ, help you step out of your denial and face reality?
      23. In what area of your life are you now ready to let God help you?
      24. What things are you ready to change in your life? Where can you get the power to change them?

    • #14465
      vera
      Sudionik

      Very helpful Kin
      (Also thanks for message on my Thread)
      You are a Shining Light in the World’s Darkness.
      A Godsend!

    • #14466
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      My heart was heavy when I look back, I realized that I have actually wasted and lost many years in early recovery because I do not trust people easily and I don’t have a God, I thought it was all a bluff. Being stubborn and so full of self did not help me either.

      I met my first mentor who explain to me that our solution was a spiritual one. He told me that a religious person may not be spiritual but a spiritual person can be religious and recovery is a spiritual program.

      Those practicing the 12 steps recovery program in GA, God in the book refer to a Higher Power greater than us. It can be a person, a group, a place, a recovery program or a thing. For many people practicing the program who do not have a faith or religion, it can be as simple as GOD = good orderly direction, universal rule of spirituality is to do no harm.

      I was introduce to this program way back in 2005, I had my doubts, I felt that it doesn’t work for me, it was frustrating, I didn’t want to do it, I continue to drift back to my old ways.
      I continue to visit WeCare community services where you can find GA, NA, AA, SLA, OA meetings and recovering people for fellowships, I continue to see new people getting well, it gave me hope, so I just keep trying but only on and off.

      It was only in 2013 when I found a Higher Power in working the steps that I started to see major changes in my life and persisted, my higher power has a name, He is Jesus Christ.

      My recovery is just beginning.

      It was very unfortunate it took me so many years but the long wait was definitely worth it. The fruits I get in my life was so rewarding. Praise God!

      I read my journal from the early days in Gambling Therapy and saw all the nice people leaving me very encouraging, comforting and supporting words especially during the painful and difficult years, I am grateful to you all.

      Thank you for allowing me to share my recovery. God bless!

    • #14467
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      It is a real joy working my recovery now, everything is clearer.
      I can see myself having the breakthrough I want, I was able to give my all to my family now, it was something I had always wanted to do but could not do in the past due to my self-centered, selfish and self-seeking behaviors.
      It is a strange feeling, I can see myself doing more and more selfless loving acts for my family now but I can still catch myself speaking like the old me at times when I was with friends and colleagues. I can still see that same destructive person still alive inside me even though I did not act out in destructive ways. This is a concern because I know that if I only stop gambling but everything about me did not change, it will send me back to gambling in the end.
      I am real happy and grateful that there was improvement and change in my behaviors and life but at the same time, I feel that I was still in early recovery until I am change not only on the outside but also inside.
      It will take longer to see more changes deep inside, I need to persist all the way to the end.
      There is hope!

    • #14468
      vera
      Sudionik

      Thanks for posting to my tread, Kin.
      I’m not sure if they have sponsors in the GA Groups I attended. Most of the men seem to be focussed on their own lives.
      Maybe I will find one.
      Until then I will just keep going to the meetings.

    • #14469
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      I am not letting the devil shake me, it got my nerve but I planned to go all the way to the end.
      I felt the heavy burden and responsibilities to help another stranger or gambler, I was so afraid I cannot do my job well, the feeling can overwhelm me and I don’t like it one bit. I was afraid this feeling will send me back to gambling and another rock bottom, I was concern about my well being, look like it was a fight inside me between the devil of my self-centeredness and love.

      I don’t want to do it but I still did it by letting go of my self-will and let God.

      I let the day unfold and reveal itself.

      I believe in The Promises. I believe that when I finish my 12th steps, I will have a clearer picture of the part about carrying the message to another suffering gambler.

      It is God’s timing, not mine.

      Remarks:
      I was doing my step work Q&A in wecare for the first time on 15th Feb 2016, there was a GA meetings in the evening, I decided to join them for the first time after a long time.
      The chair person actually did not show up, and the person taking over to chair the meeting was late for half an hour.
      There are 9 of us, I was the most experience there, so I ended up chairing the meeting.
      It was not part of my plan, my timing. I don’t enjoy chairing at all.
      I still have the issue of trying to be perfect in everything I do and feeling responsible for the pain and suffering, instead of carrying the message, I may carry the addict.
      After the meeting I felt anxious and stress. It is really a slippery situation for me. In the old days, I don’t know how to cope with these feelings, I would have drank alcohol to calm my nerve.

    • #14470
      vera
      Sudionik

      I can understand how chairing a Meeting could make you feel anxious, Kin. It is a big task. Not everyone can handle that task. In GA some members say their strength comes from “The Group”. I do not fully agree with that idea but I can see how it would help people who do not have faith in God.
      I’m not a technical person but by some “magic power” I managed to post your comments on my thread to my email. Actually the whole contents of my thread were delivered there. I will be able to print that out when I get ink for the printer on payday.
      I’m handling limited funds. The night out I had last week with my husband and son cost one tenth of what it would have cost me for a few hours in the casino but it means I have to tighten my belt this week. I like living a frugal life. I got tired of splashing money around like a Big Shot. I will focus on repaying debt and building up my Retirement Fund that I foolishly threw away online last March. When that’s restored, I will continue to save.
      If relationships and health could be restored as easily as money I would be truly rich!

    • #14471
      kin
      Sudionik

      “The night out I had last week with my husband and son cost one tenth of what it would have cost me for a few hours in the casino ”

      I am so happy and proud of your progress in recovery, so glad you have found a life outside gambling.

    • #14472
      vera
      Sudionik

      Thanks Kin. I’m picking up fragments of what my life could have been “Crumbs from the Rich Man’s table”!
      We can’t change the past. What’s gone is gone!

    • #14473
      kin
      Sudionik

      Matthew 14:27 > When the disciples saw Jesus walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear.
      Matthew 14:28 > Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”
      Matthew 14:29 > “Come,” Jesus said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
      Matthew 14:30 > But when Peter saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!”
      Matthew 14:31 > Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”

      Below are some similar teaching
      “Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from beginning to end.” Hebrews 12:2 (GNT)
      In dog obedience training, they put a dog at one end of a room and its master at the other end of the room, with a plate of food in the middle. And then the master calls the dog. If the dog eyes the food, he’s a goner; he’ll go straight for it. So they teach the dog to focus his eyes on the master. If the dog keeps his eyes on the master, he won’t be tempted. Instead of heading for the food, he’ll head straight to the master.
      You need to keep your eyes on your master or you’ll get distracted. Get your mind off your circumstances and your problems and focus on God’s goodness to you in your past, his closeness to you in your present and his power to help you in your future.
      Wolf Parable
      An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
      He said to them ,”A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

      One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

      The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

      This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.”
      They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

      The old Grandpa simply replied, “The one you feed (focus).
      Are you feeding your addiction or your recovery?

      Dear diary
      This is one of the most important teaching that has help me to stay gamble free in my recovery. When I stay focus on God, I was able to remain clean.
      When I focus on my troubles, the casino or the money I had in the past, the urge and craving in me just snowball and grow stronger until I sink.
      It’s been more than 2 years, it all started out as a suggestion by my sponsor but it has now become a part of my life, it has actually become easier over time.

    • #14474
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      Last year I was watching and arresting my selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways by giving up my self-will and seeking God’s will.
      This year I want to learn to be meek and humble to arrest my pride, haughtiness and egoism.

      Why should people be meek and humble?
      What problems are caused by pride, arrogance, ego, self-exaltation, haughtiness, and self-will?
      How many times in the past did I believe that I was different from the other problem gamblers, I can be more careful, and not greedy, and I will not lose my self-control this time?
      How many times in the past did I believe that I was good, skillful and experience in gambling?
      How many times in the past did I believe that I can be careful and will not lose my self-control in gambling?
      How many times did I choose to remember all my big winnings and feeling I could do it again?
      Am I still happy and very proud of my big winning when I talk about them?
      Do I feel a sense of great achievement thinking about them?
      Introduction:
      Numbers 12:3 – Moses was very meek, above all men on face of the earth.
      Matthew 11:29,30 – Jesus said, “I am meek and lowly in heart.”

      Other verses emphasize the importance of these qualities
      Matthew 5:5 – Blessed are the meek (gentle – NKJV), for they shall inherit the earth. Jesus declares a “blessing” (happiness) on those who are meek.

      Galatians 5:22,23 – Meekness is one of the fruits of the Spirit – qualities that we must possess if we are led by the Spirit.

      Proverbs 16:18,19 – Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall. It is better to be of a humble spirit with the lowly.

      If we seek to be happy, to be led by the Spirit, to avoid destruction, and to be like great people such as Moses and Jesus, we need to possess meekness and humility.

      It is the purpose of this lesson to study these qualities,

      what they are, and how they will affect our lives.

      Definitions:
      Meekness
      Many feel that “meek” – quiet, submissive and “gentleness,” implies weakness.

      meekness is an attitude or quality of heart [1 Peter 3:4] whereby a person willingly accepts and submits without resistance to the will and desires of someone else.

      The meek person is not self-willed – not continually concerned with self, his own ways, ideas, and wishes.

      He is willing to put himself in second place and submit himself to achieve what is good for others.

      Meekness is the opposite of self-will, self-interest, and self-assertiveness.

      This is a sign, not of weakness of character (as some think), but of strength. It requires great self-control to submit to others.

      Humility

      This is an attitude or quality of mind [Acts 20:19] whereby a person holds low esteem or opinion of his own goodness and importance.
      Spiritually, one behave in a way that belittle himself because he realizes his sinfulness and therefore he is willing to depend on God to meet His needs.
      It is the opposite of pride, haughtiness, and self-exaltation.

      Pride – a feeling that you are more important or better than other people
      Haughtiness – showing the insulting attitude of people who think they are better and smarter than other people
      Egoism – an excessive sense of self-importance

    • #14475
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      We came to know God’s infinite greatness and our own unworthiness before him.

      Here are some reasons why we should humble ourselves before God and some suggestions on how to do it.

      Why we should humble ourselves
      1. Because Christ was humble and we should imitate him.
      2. “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.” James 4:10
      3. Because “God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6). We shouldn’t need any more reasons than this. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want God resisting me and I need all the grace I can get.
      4. Because there is safety in humility. Pride comes before a fall ? the humble are less likely to fall, and if they do they don’t have as far to fall.

      How to humble ourselves
      1. Contemplate the infinite greatness of God
      2. Consider your innumerable sins against God and the unbelievable mercy he’s poured out on you
      3. Contemplate your human frailty. Your every breath and heartbeat, your eyes, ears, strength, and mental health are all from God. He could remove them at any time.
      4. Contemplate your complete inability to control a single thing in this life.
      5.Realize that every good thing, talent and gift you have is a gift from God which he could remove at any time.
      6.Contemplate that if God did not keep you from sin you’d plunge headlong into it
      7. Confess your sins and temptations to God and others
      8. Ask forgiveness of those you sin against, even if they sinned against you first. Even if they don’t ask your forgiveness in return.
      9.Be quick to listen and slow to share your own opinions
      10.Don’t be so sure you’re right all the time
      11. Consider that there are multitudes far more gifted and godly than you are
      12.Cultivate thankfulness
      13. Contemplate your many areas of weakness ? share them with others
      14. Realize you’re dispensable. If you died today, things would go on just fine without you.
      15.Realize that the things that bother you about others may be things you do as well
      16.Invite constructive criticism.
      17.Serve others. Wash others’ feet. Take on lowly jobs in your church.
      18.Take an interest in others. Consider others more important than yourself.
      19.Pray. Prayer is an act of dependence and humility.
      20.Ask for help, wisdom and prayer from others.
      21.When others compliment you, thank them, then give all the glory to God in silent prayer.
      22.Rejoice when others are promoted, praised or honored.

      What would you add?
      Probably the most important one:

      Nothing should humble us more than the perfect, sinless, Son of God willingly pouring out his life to rescue those who hated him and rebelled against him.

    • #14476
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      These are just some progression from what I was doing previously, from repaying financial institutions to giving all my money to my love ones, from changing my behaviors to changing my heart and thinking, something I struggle to do in the past, this was why I believe that God has help me to do what I cannot do as mentioned in the AA 12 promises. I learn to show love living one day at a time not by words but by deeds now. Practicing the recovery program has turn from a necessity into an enjoyment.
      The first 2 months of the year was good! It has been a very enriching humbling lesson for me, I found out very quickly that I do not have all the answers. After the experience I had at 3 different recovery places with different new recovering person in Singapore this year, I learn that there is little I can do for someone who is not willing and not ready to change, the person must be willing to do it for themselves.
      I check with a religious leader, a 12 steps workshop facilitator, and a counsellor. Their answer was all the same and confirm one thing, “the person must do it for themselves.”

      My tolerance to stress is not very high, recognizing them has kept me safe, carrying another recovering person was one of the stress I cannot have. After chairing a meeting and the feeling I had later confirm everything. I do not want to jeopardize my personal recovery in the future. I will only carry the message and not the other person by my presence.

      This has laid the blueprint for me when I move ahead in carrying the recovery message. Is this something new? No it was not, I read “How it works” from GA and look at the messages carefully, the answer was there all along but I was blind to it.
      No one is perfect, and so am I, I was no different and have behave in exactly the same way as some of the new recovering person I met in Singapore, I wanted to recover but I am not willing to do what it takes to recover. I want to stop gambling and I want to gamble at the same time. I really do not wish this upon anyone, it only prolong the pain and suffering.

      Now I am free from the bondage of addictions and not a slave of money anymore by the grace of God.

      HOW IT WORKS
      Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.

      Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program,usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.

      There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.

      There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

      Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now.

      If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it—then you are READY to take certain steps.

      At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not.

      With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.

      Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

      Remember that we deal with Gambling addiction—cunning, baffling, powerful!

      Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power—that One is God. May you find Him now!

      Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

    • #14477
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      I am a grateful recovering compulsive addict!

      7 years on in Gambling Therapy, notice some friends I met in here have grown wiser and more experience. Spoke with a few of them recently, and notice they share many things in common now.
      Our focus was a very important key to staying clean, some chose to focus on Higher Power, some chose to focus on a healthy lifestyle. Changing our focus to a Higher Power and positive lifestyle, allow all our lives to move on, we are free, we have nothing to do with gambling anymore.
      You will be amaze that focusing on “not gambling” is still giving a strong focus on gambling. You are still trap by it, the gambling devil still have a hand on you.

      The growth I saw in these friends is a slow and gradual change in the heart and thinking, it is a process of recovery, they are transforming.

      Change in the heart and thinking is inside, it is more permanent and lasting.
      “Controlled or forced” change in the behavior is external, and a temporary measure, because the condition outside and inside can change affecting the outcome in staying stop.

    • #14478
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      I only ask my 85 years old mum nicely is she going out to buy lottery ticket, she justified that she is buying less now, she would change topic that economic market is depressing , and she is controlling her spending now, then she start to complain that her maid was lazy and more. She didn’t have to do all that because I am not stopping her.
      Sadly this was my story too, when I was going to place a bet, I will justified that it is alright to gamble, rationalized that I know what I am doing, l am so natural and good at cooking up all type of stories and excuses to deceive myself and others, I was dishonest to all including myself, and I must take control of any conversation with others to escape, I must change the focus of attention to another topic away from my gambling, I will mislead and manipulate people so that I can do what I want and I thought the whole world didn’t know what I am doing.
      This was so sad because everyone knows. I am the only one who cannot see.

      Serenity prayer.

    • #14479
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      It has been more than 2 years now. The benefits of being sober allow me to run the errands at home, matter that takes time, money and effort. Mum is more than 85 years old, as she loses her sanity gradually, I was just grateful to be around for her and the family now.
      Making amend and seeking forgiveness from my siblings, regaining their trust and confident is slowly taking place and happening in everyday lives now.
      Is this all really possible if I was still acting out in my addictions. I think not simply because gambling will be my top priority, not loving my family, I will not be willing to sacrifice time and money for them, my interest comes first before anything else.
      Watching my mum aged gives me a very clear view of how serious my gambling problem will become in the future if I continue. It was not the sum of money involved in the gambling but how the character defect grow in strength and comes to the surface as we lose control in old age, how it is controlling her life and how the gambling is affecting her behaviors and how that behaviors affect those closed to her. Mum‘s gambling is very small compare to mine, she may only be betting a dollar to five on lottery ticket on Wed, Sat and Sun every week whereas my gambling can runs into thousands, my last relapse in December 2012 add up to SGD$257,000 if SGD$ 126,747 comes from the winning bets and estimated SGD$130,673 comes from the losing bets just for December month alone . I am clearly aware that if what I see in my mum is not ideal now, then I am capable of destruction many times more powerful than my mum.
      This is the reward of recovery, it may take me years to make amend and seek forgiveness from my family but I believe there is hope for me now. It is challenging caring for elderly at home, there are many times I knew it could send me back to my old ways, I needed more strength and wisdom to remain still.
      God has change me and help me do things I cannot do for myself mentioned in the 12 promises of AA.
      Personally I believe, have faith and trust in God’s word and promises in the Bible.
      I am a grateful recovering compulsive gambler by the Grace of God.

    • #14480
      vera
      Sudionik

      In KenL’s email yesterday it spoke about the less we are able to do things by human power, the more we realise God’s Power…I think it was Ken who sent that email or maybe its from another guy who emails me but whoever said it, I know its true. Left to human devices we will fail. We need Someone greater than us to help us through.
      Kin, I was going to ask in GA if they have any Step Meetings, when out of the blue, one of the older members said “Why do we not have Step Meetings any more?” He must have read my mind. They plan to do that once a month now. I will use your input as extra support when it starts.
      Maybe our mom is just using scratch cards as a distraction. I’m sure at 85, somebody monitors her money? It’s not easy to watch somebody you love getting old. Its not easing watching her losing her ability and faculties, or her money. Can you limit her funds?

    • #14481
      kin
      Sudionik

      Hi Vera,

      Thank you for your concern and reply.

      I am so glad that you are working hard and using the opportunity to grow in GA, you will be amaze that GA has a lot of useful materials , Ken has been a good mentor and blessing to many a new recovering person, that includes the both of us.

      Well, my mum is already more than 85 years old, my family can afford to enable her, we are all trying to make her life as comfortable as we can.

      I have tried to gently assist and encourage mum to give it all up but her resistant is very strong. This habit is more than 50 years old, I don’t think I want my mum to suffer from withdrawal at this stage of her life. We will just allow her the freedom to enjoy what she wants to do.

      She is also a recovering cancer patient plus old age is restricting and giving her much inconveniences, just hope she is happy in her remaining days.

      The last thing I want is to see her sink into self pity and depression neither do I want to go into one and blame her for triggering me.

      I will pray and work harder to stay focus in God and my recovery.

    • #14482
      vera
      Sudionik

      It is difficult for old people to change habits of a lifetime Kin.
      We are all creatures of habit to some extent. All any of us can do is try to change ourselves.
      “When I change, everybody changes”!

    • #14483
      kin
      Sudionik
    • #14484
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I would never envy those mentors I met in the last 10 years, I could never forget hearing them getting scolded by the same people who seek them for help, these people are sick and hurting inside and their mind is in a mess.

      Nothing has changes in the past and now, those hurting, not ready and not willing to change are still questioning and challenging the messenger instead of keeping things simple by following simple instructions, these sick people do not trust the messenger and are not open minded to try some thing new when all else have failed, they still want to do it their way.

      I am afraid that I do not have the right to be inconsiderate and unsympathetic to these people simply because I was behaving like them for many years in the past. When I describe them, I remember myself in the early days.

      When the messenger was not perfect in their delivery, I would love to question and prove the other person wrong, I was just ignorant, proud and arrogant.

      It was so stupid of me to do all that because end of the day I do not get anything good in return, but pride make me so sick I could not stop myself, I have to tear the other person, prove them wrong and bring them down.

      The saddest part end of the day was the fact that I was still suffering inside, all that I have done did not make me feel better but not the other person who have found peace and joy in life.

      Having said all that, I still do not wish to be like my mentoring friends yet I do realized that life is so fragile and we always take for granted living life like it was going to last forever.

      I am afraid that if I do not go ahead to do something good when I have the chance now, it may be my last chance in life, I may live to regret not having done that when I can.

      Everything is new to me and I still do not have all the answers. I just have to trust my Higher Power to lead me.

      Help me God.

    • #14485
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      Grateful to be clean today. Some days are easier some days are not but everyday matter, they all add up one day at a time.

      Lately, I did not look after myself in the best way. I was putting myself at great risk. This is a very hot period in Singapore now, and I can be very badly affected by the heat.

      I work from 7 pm to 7 am, many times after work I did not go to sleep straight away, I like to continue to stay up to entertain myself, I ended up making myself mentally exhausted and tired.

      My body feel very stress by the heat and my mind become mentally very weak from the lack of sleep. It is not without a good reason I get triggered as a result and started to have persistent light gambling thoughts.

      This was what happen to me in the last 2 days but the solution to this problem was a real simple one, it require me to be willing to do it with discipline, it’s just something lacking in me, I just woke up after a 12 hours’ sleep and it does wonder to me.
      The gambling thought goes away and life return to normal, physically and mentally is not a struggle anymore now.
      Thank God

    • #14486
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      I dream of gambling in my sleep today.

    • #14487
      vera
      Sudionik

      It scares me when I dream of gambling, Kin.
      Only one thing worse and that’s when I DO gamble and I wake up and hope I was only dreaming and realize it’s not a dream.
      That is the real nightmare….
      Just for today I will not gamble.

    • #14488
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      Guess this is a sign that some thing was not alright. I need to work harder to focus on my Higher Power, guess I was not doing enough lately, because when things get uncomfortable and painful, I become distracted and switch to focus more on self and less on my Higher Power.
      I should be thinking of my Higher Power more and myself less. The heat and the lack of sleep altogether done its job and expose my weakness.
      Despite all that, there are reasons to be grateful, all thanks to Vera for the reminder…
      I remember many many times in the past, I had wish that everything was just a dream when I woke up from my sleep after I had gamble but unfortunately many times, the truth was very painful, all the damage was done and the destruction is everywhere.
      I wish that I could turn back the clock. I regretted my action so much that I would do anything if I was given a second chance to change all that.
      I have that rare and valuable “Second Chance” to do things right now.

      Just for today, all I have to do was simple, just stay clean and sober.

    • #14489
      kin
      Sudionik

      Matthew 6:25 – 34(NIV)
      25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?
      26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
      27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
      28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.
      29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
      30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?
      31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’
      32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.
      33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
      34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

    • #14490
      kin
      Sudionik

      Matthew 6:16 – 18(NIV)

      16 “When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.
      17 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face,
      18 so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

    • #14491
      p
      Sudionik

      I love some things you say it makes me think and really helps me some days.. you mention how being over tired effects you and makes you weaker toward gambling thoughts. i realised i too am very affected by lack of sleep. I didn’t connect the two till i read your thread and recently i have had urges, strong ones some days and i also after reading your thread looked back and i have little sleep.
      I am going to make a regular bed time every night and not have my phone or my computer in my room. Sleep is so important, thanks for the reminder, its funny how some simple things are so easy to forget. Glad you got through Kin and continue to grow in recovery

      P

    • #14492
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear P

      One of the most common acronyms in recovery is H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).

      This recovery tool is simple to use and applicable to all in recovery. No matter how you are feeling or what circumstances are going on around you, H.A.L.T. is a simple tool to assess if you are in relapse mode.

      When any of these characteristics are present, a recovering person will be irritable, moody, lethargic, and seemingly unhappy. When our body is not feeling well, our brains also begin to think more negatively.

      Negative thoughts will ultimately lead to cravings to gamble to escape.

      It is important to have strong self-awareness of H.A.L.T. to decrease the risk of relapse.

      Never act on thoughts that are based upon feelings that are generated simply because you have neglected to take care of your needs.

    • #14493
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      Where was I in the past?
      When I wanted to gamble, I could not stop myself going to these gambling places.
      When I wanted to gamble, when I am at these gambling places, I could not stop myself using all the money on me to gamble.
      When I stop gambling, I could not stay stop for long period.
      I was still in absolute and total control of everything in my life.

      What happen?
      I applied for self-exclusion ban to casino, I also applied for self-exclusion ban to participating gambling places not covered by the first one.
      I did not let anyone manage my money in the past and I could always discover new places to gamble at places not cover by those self-exclusion bans. I have learnt the importance of setting up another barrier to protect the first one. When I find a new place to gamble, I will not be able to gamble when I want to because I do not have the money.
      I have learnt from all the slips and relapses in the past that I was human, and not perfect, I have a thresh hold or tolerant to stay stop to gambling up to a certain limit only and that can be broken.
      I started to learn about the 12 steps recovering program, but it could not help me to stay stop for long period because I have a problem applying the program in my life, I could not find a Higher Power greater than myself, a Higher Power that is loving and caring.

      Where am I now?
      I have learnt from all the slips and relapses in the past that I was human, and not perfect, I have a thresh hold or tolerant to stay stop to gambling up to a certain limit only and that can be broken but it can be strengthen by a Higher Power greater than myself in God and a recovery program like the 12 steps recovery program.
      I did not ask anyone to safe keep my money in the past and failed to stay stop for long many times for so many years but after trying in the last 2 years to seek a closer relationship with God, I have become a less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking person. I love my family so much that I am very willing to sacrifice and give them my all. I am now able to give them all my salary minus my living expenses every month and they may use it in any way they like.
      Ever since I get to know Lord Jesus Christ, I have become a more stable person emotionally and spiritually. The frequency of my desire to do escape gambling just to find self-relief or self-medication has reduced tremendously.
      Best of all, the 12 steps recovering program I have learn in the past started to function in my life after I found my Higher Power in Lord Jesus Christ, everything I learn in the program started falling into place.
      I have handed over my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power in Lord Jesus Christ, God has help me to stay stop when I could not.

      Daily commitment and practice gave me the hope, strength, wisdom and know how I needed to help myself stay stop one more day longer every day.
      I am like a new recovering person every day. Every day is new and no different from my first day in recovery; I still need to do what I did on my first day in recovery to remain clean and sober.

      I am a grateful recovering compulsive gambler

    • #14494
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      I thought I did very little but what I have learn and realized today was awesome!
      There were uncontrollability in my life
      1. My Work – I finished my 12 hours shift at 7 am but no one reported to work to take over from me until 2 hours later.
      2. My Health – feeling unwell recently, was bleeding and passing blood when I pass motion.
      3. My Body – felt very strong pain and body ache after exercise.
      4. My Mind – mentally weaker and very stress due to improper rest and lack of sleep.
      Today was a perfect day for darkness to strike! Gambling thoughts appear.
      I check myself and found out I don’t really care too much about losing all my money at this time, it was not the most important thing to me, I only want the pain to go away.
      I was weak physically and mentally, was in pain, felt very stress and suffering. I want to self-medicate, I need a relief fast, I need to escape from the pain and rid the suffering.
      In the past, it was almost a guarantee that I would gamble.
      I want to gamble today but I did not gamble.
      I went to sleep and woke up feeling better after 5 hours.

      My Thoughts
      At my weakest today, I remember God’s word …….psalm 23
      “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want”

      I don’t need to analyze, intellectualize or understand.
      I only need to trust my Higher Power, let go of my self-will and obey.
      God has save me and help me to do what I cannot.

    • #14495
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      Today I realized another new thing.
      I may be attending the same support group meeting run by the different anonymous groups, a drop in center and 2 different Christian groups but I have change.
      Where was I
      My sharing was the same in all the groups.
      What happen
      Some group focus on method and a recovery program, some groups focus on God. My sharing is not in line, I may not be saying the right thing in the right place.
      Where am I now
      Today I suddenly realized my behavior have change for a few months now.
      I only talk about the 12 steps recovery program in the drop- in centre and the anonymous groups meeting for recovering addicts.
      In the support group meetings run by Christian groups, I only share from my personal experience how God has help me to do what I cannot do in recovery and my life, how God made a big difference in my recovery and getting well, how God help me function like a normal person now.

    • #14496
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      I am grateful for any circumstances that gave me the opportunity to renew my decision and commitment to turn over my will and my life over to the care of God as we understood Him mention in Step 3 of the recovery program.
      I have learn thru trial and error that this is not a one time decision but a daily one.
      I have learn from my mistakes the danger and risk of co-dependent on any recovery person or place.
      I have also learn thru my slips and relapses that changing my heart and thinking is more lasting than changing my behavior.
      Having said all that, I feel that I could not stay stop on my own. If I could, it would have succeeded more than 20 years ago, sadly it didn’t, I ended up trying to kill myself twice and continue to gamble for the next 20 years.
      It only took a wise man simple advise more than 2.5 years ago, he was a God send angel, he encourage me to work hard to seek my Higher Power, most importantly he told me his secret that I can find all my answers in the bible. He was a living example, how can it be so simple, but coming from a successful man, it was very convincing indeed.
      I realized Lord Jesus Christ was my Higher Power and my tool in recovery, the 12 steps recovery program started to function in my life as a result of my Higher Power.
      I could not stop gambling and I was not successful working my stepwork for many years but God ‘s presence made the difference.

      My Savior, my Lord Jesus Christ help me to do what I could not do on my own.

      Amen.

    • #14497
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      I made a decision during a 40 minutes quiet time with my Higher Power, I am not attending the support group meetings in One Hope Center ( Christian organization), I shall trust God and pray to Jesus to lead me.

      I used their support group meeting for its therapeutic effect in releasing the garbage and negative energy inside me, it is especially comforting and helpful for a new comer.

      The new comer is the most important person in the group, I am not going to rob them of the help they so rightfully deserve, I don’t think it is fair to the newcomer who need it more than me, .

      It is selfish, self-centered and self-seeking if I continue to remain there. It is time to move on. Let‘s see where this will lead me, there are many positive things I can do to replace this meeting, I can pray, do my step work, exercise or simply attend other support group meetings.

      My recovery is not in line with their belief, they do not believe in recovering people like me going to other support groups to strengthen my safety net. They are concern people like me will be a bad influence and confuse the newcomers.

      I have to carry my own cross, not them. I will have to use this opportunity to get closer to my God.

    • #14498
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I relapse on this day dated 9 April 2016. I blew SGD 800 on sports betting and SGD 800 on alcohol. SGD 1600 is a huge sum of money for someone like me who was living on a budget of SGD 10-20 a day, it could have last me 4 months if I use it wisely.

      I did not continue gambling but I could not stop drinking, I was an alcoholic, I went on a drinking binge to 4 different drinking place within a night. I self destructed.

      It was no excuse – I was sick, instead of sleeping i choose to self medicate with gambling and alcohol.

      I could have minimize the damage if I allow myself to go for an expensive massage if I want to self medicate, it will only cost me SGD120 at the most and not blew SGD1,600.

      I was not thinking straight, it was a terrible and stupid decision.

      It is back to day 1 for me.

    • #14499
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear dairy

      This slip show that I was very much in danger of using old and wrong ways again to solve live ‘s living issues.

      I was mentally and physically exhausted, fatigue, very unwell and uncomfortable on this fateful day. What I needed was a good massage for the muscle aches, pain and sleep but I don’t love myself enough to do it. SGD120 was way too expensive for someone limiting spending to only SGD10-20 a day – This was the beginning of a string of bad decisions on a bad day.

      I saw a SGD 500 high risk gamble offering high payout. I check myself and thought about the likelihood of losing this SGD 500 before I go ahead to place the real bet. I feel that I can afford this money, if I win, I will be able to afford the massage – this is another wrong decision. I can no longer afford to lose a single cent to gamble in this lifetime plus I don’t need to gamble for the money to pay for the massage anymore.

      Something was bigger and more powerful waiting, I never expected the anger and discontentment I felt after the gambling loss and bad decision to take control of me.

      I don’t enjoy this part of gambling anymore and I was so fearful the anger will made me continue chasing my lost and gamble until I lose every thing away. I resorted to lowering the next 3 bets to limit the damage to rid the chasing part, x3 SGD100. In total I spend SGD800 on gambling losses.

      I thought I could calm down, relax, and get well by consuming alcohol while I wait for the results, I was wrong. It made me more sick.

      The scary part about my addiction was the alcohol. I could not stop and did not stop taking alcohol unlike the gambling on this day.

      When I took alcohol, I successfully forget about the anger and discomfort of my gambling losses. I was proud and happy while I was drunk that I did not lose everything to gambling but I ended up spending the same amount of SGD800 on alcohol and tipping. – an awful mistake – an alcoholic like me should never go back to drinking.

      When I was drinking, I people watch, I thought I could bring joy to others. Something I was doing on a regular basis for more than 2 years clean and sober, it is very healing.

      It was a good habit of speading love and service to others, the last time I did this was a day before this event, I spend only SGD 13 to buy supper for 3 junior staff in my office building.

      It only cost me around SGD10 to feed 3 person and successfully bringing joy and happiness to them, on the other side, it was so insane and crazy for me to spend SGD800 on alcohol and tipping. I thought I was doing the right thing but I was really wrong, I was so full of myself when I was drunk. Everyone know I was drunk and a big fool.

      I am so disgusted and disappointed, angry and sad at my stupidity now.

      Please look at how these behaviors and self-destructive acts tear down and destroy everything important in my life

      The BIGGEST LESSON out of this after 50 years, I DO NOT KNOW how to LOVE MYSELF, it affected my ability to love my family and it cause me to fail terribly in this area.

      This explain why I love my family but I could never do it by actions , only words and thoughts, this part is depressing.
      I really love them but I keep doing the things that I hate.

      I have to put on hold my plan to give SGD1500 to my sister every month out of love for this month…so sad.

      I didn’t realize if I don’t know how to love myself correctly, I can ended up destroying myself and it can affect all my decision to love my family. This is one big BLIND SPOT I had for so many years.

      I really love my family. I do not want this to happen again.

      I made the mistake, they suffer the consequences, they don’t deserve the punishment and suffering I inflicted on them all these years…so sad.

    • #14500
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      The 12 steps program is fundamentally based on ancient spiritual principles and rooted in sound medical therapy.

      Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints.

      The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines.

      The principle we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

      Our description of the addicts, the chapter to the agnostic, and your personal adventures before and after make clear three relevant ideas:

      a. that we were addicts and could not manage our own lives
      b. that probably no human power could have relieved our addictions.
      c. that God could and would if He were sought.

    • #14501
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      there was a time I wrote about my daily jog here in 2008.
      I am 50 this year, I have aged and poor health is showing.
      I continue to try to do what I did, starting with my first slow jog planning to slowly build up but I notice that I am bleeding inside and I lost my strength n stamina something I never experience in the past, it has interrupted my plan to exercise.
      I have been beating my body for many years, the result is showing more now. I also suffer from memory lapse.
      I have found peace in my life and I can live and accept this fact. I am a more happy person after I found recovery.
      My only concern and worries was one day the poor health might deteriorate so badly it will affect my mind totally.

      Before that day comes, now it is only when my addiction or stress take over, I lose my mind.

    • #14502
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      I work in a small company with a handful staff, everyone is young in their 20s and 30s. Ambitious, greedy, calculative and individualistic. I am the odd one out, I am the typical old and slow, not savvy in IT and forgetful, my capacity is limited.

      When my colleagues is not happy, they go on medical leave and affect work in the company, we just do not enough headcount to cover them.

      Company have brought in more work, I used to handle one project, now I am doing three and it can only increase.

      I anticipated that I will struggle with the higher demand from work.

      I am prepared to change job, one that pay me less but is less demanding to protect my sobriety

    • #14503
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      It was so strange that they are doing this to me at One Hope Center

      1. One day, the chairperson of GA meetings was busy and cannot come, her assistance taking over the chairing was late for 30 minutes, I happen to be in Wecare community service premises and being one of the old timer having going there for 11 years compare to the other 8 newer members, It was perfectly natural for me to volunteer to chair the meeting for the first time to help out in this situation . People in One Hope Center made a big deal, how did they know I chair a meeting in another organization, and that was the only time I chair a meeting.
      2. It depend on my irregular work schedule, sometimes I attend another Christian support group meeting called Bless Grace Social Service. How did people in One Hope Center know I was attending the meeting there regularly or not going there at all.
      3. I was wearing a newly bought T-shirt from Wecare Community Service, it shows the message Rebuilding Families and Transforming Lives when I attend a support group meeting at One Hope Center on Thursday ( I bought 2, one grey and one white with red wording in the back, I love the T-shirt). I was pick out and question in the group that I was wearing a T-shirt belonging to another welfare organization, this has never happen in the last 10 years of attending meeting there. When people change, policy change, things can change.
      4. I knew IMH and Wecare community services do refer help seekers to One Hope Center but this is a place that do not encourage or refer help seeker to others to strengthen their support network in recovery.
      5. If and when I tried to inform any help seekers I met there that they can also receive professional help from other VWO to complement the help that they are receiving in One Hope Center, they are concern others are stealing and pulling their client away.
      6. This place is a Christian organization, I am a new believer in the Christian faith, I get challenge by many last Thursday meeting to be baptize, when is baptism so important and taking center stage to my recovery there, they claim to help seeker of other faith with their problems and not converting them yet they are doing this. It was very uncomfortable, Christians are known to be one of the most judgmental people and to be attack by big number is very stressful and harmful.
      These are incidents that I experience there in the last few weeks, seem like it does affect me and I rather leave the place for good before irreversible long term damage is done to me by some hypocrites.

    • #14504
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      I am very aware of the danger, that lack of sleep, mental fatigue and weakness can trigger thoughts to act out.

      I work in the graveyard shift between 7 pm to 7 am, if I could not sleep at all or have little sleep after work, it can give me stress.

      I have not exercise for a long time, attempt to do it in the early days is giving me pain and muscle ache causing me great stress.

      Add the stress from lack of sleep and pain plus body aches , I am experiencing more stress recently

    • #14505
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear dairy

      The beautiful things in recovery was the amendment and repair to the relationship with family, finance situation, work and my recovery. It was a dream come true.

      I risk losing everything important to me to alcohol, gambling and other mood alternative substance and behaviors.

      Do I want to throw away everything important to me ?

    • #14506
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      I love this saying, one of my recovery friend like to use this ” everything was not ok but I am ok”, there was a lot of wisdom in it, it was all about calm and peace in the middle of the storm. Despite all the bad news that life has throw at him, he manage to remain clean and sober

      I knew everything was not ok recently and I was not ok. It ended up with a slip / relapse.

      What could I have done differently next time.

      Why don’t I sacrifice the small sum of money to love myself more, find help to get proper rest and sleep, it could be the end of the story on the day. I lack wisdom and clarity of the mind.

      Why didn’t I sacrifice my personal desires, etc alcohol and gambling for the love of my family. I was so selfish, irresponsible and careless. I have make a mistake and committed a repeated offence, will be hard for any man to forgive me for doing wrong again.

      I allow the alcohol to run my life on this day, I did thought about God when I was drunk but I am not going to be self righteous about it, I was drunk and thinking of God. On this fateful night I was drunk and talking about God. Alcohol was controlling me, alcohol become my master on that fateful night.

      I cannot serve 2 master on this night, it is either God or alcohol, I will surely love one more than the other

      I have never attain perfection in recovery all these times but it is true if I work hard in recovery with God ‘s grace, life can change, life can improves, it is worth it!

      God has help me to do what I cannot do in recovery. For me it is a miracle because on my own for so many years, I could not get well. Now that I am better, how can I slip/relapse and turn to the demon.

      I so regretted about my behaviors and was ashamed of my slip / relapse. I needed God to have mercy on me and give me grace.

    • #14507
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear Maverick

      I have read your thread and posts and was very aware you are going thru some hard time lately but yet you are so kind to give me words of encouragements just like P, Vera and some others always.

      This is the honest truth, take away the addiction, we are really nice people inside.

      Help us! God. In Jesus’s name I pray. Amen.

    • #14508
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      I was at Wecare community services today to enjoy the drop in facility and to fix an appointment with an addiction counsellor there.

      Met a recovering lady friend I first met 10 years ago who shared with me today her new struggles in addiction. She have been in the AA fellowship for 11 years.

      All I did was show her a movie on a real life story of a compulsive gambler called going for broke at the drop in center.

      She shed tears, guess she can relate and was touched by the movie, just glad she found her answer for the day. she start praising the Higher Power after the movie.

      Guess she needed the encouragement and attention more than me.

      this saying cross my mind now:

      I cried because I have no shoes to wear until I saw a man on the street with no feet.

      I slip and fall the other day, yes I still carry the pain but today this friend is more troubled and in bigger pain than me. Thank you God for the healing. Amen.

    • #14509
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      I feel that I am already so close to my grave and yet I am still learning how to live life.
      It is so embarrassing and ashamed, I was so immature and such a big fool.
      2 days has passed, I am beginning to feel the remorse, regrets and big disappointment over my slip/relapse, the self beating have began.
      I am a repeat offender using alcohol and gambling, imagine if i am doing hardcore drug in Singapore and I was caught, it can mean 12 years behind bar. There is no room for a single slip/relapse.
      Why cant I wake up my idea, this is really a serious problem that I am toying.
      One time is one too many!!!
      One time is one too many!!!
      One time is one too many!!!

      Dated 8 Dec 2014, I wrote here: Alcohol and gambling has rob me of everything I have, and stripped me of all my self respect, dignity and esteem, leaving me helpless with only shame, guilt, hopelessness and more suffering

    • #14510
      p
      Sudionik

      You have had a slip, you have not lost your years of recovery. You are back straight away and learning from this lesson. Please dont beat yourself up, you have done a wonderful job in recovery and are always there to offer support to others. So glad you came back straight away that to me is a miracle. Something i couldnt have done. Keep your chin up Kin, you will be ok

      P

    • #14511
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear P

      After a while, I forget it is very easy to fall.

      I am so vulnerable at all times.

      This made feel me very broken and humble.

      Life was good, it is such a waste to throw it away.

      I still feel very painful about the costly mistake.

      It is hard not to beat myself and forget everything did not happen.

    • #14512
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      The following day after I slip/relapse. I felt the familiar helplessness and fearful feeling.
      Fear that the alcohol and gambling will take over my life and the destructive acts will continue to wreck more havoc and cause more damage to my life and family.
      Felt so helpless, so helpless I could not turn back the clock, and do things differently, I cannot take back what I have thrown away and lost.
      I was so frighten about my future, my mind was so numb, I was so disappointed and shock I have done it again on this scale. This is the first time I went to a Sunday Church service immediately after. I have already turn my will and life over to God. I could not do anything now except hold the bible tightly in my hand and pray to God for help and mercy.
      I am never going to places with hypocrites around for help. These people may be thinking and will be saying, I left their place and immediately I fall. They are blind, they will never admit people seeking help left the place because of their presence.
      I trust my Higher Power can save me, and has plan for me to grow and not tear me down. This whole experience happen for a reason and help me get in touch with my raw pain, vulnerability and weakness. It is about carrying my heavy cross, I must accept the pain and suffering, I cannot run away from it.

    • #14513
      maverick.
      Sudionik

      Stay strong Kin, you are a good person (trust me I can tell), like you so rightly say if we take away this addiction we really are good people.

      Keep fighting and never give in my friend, I love reading your honest and truthful posts they tell me a lot about you (in such a very good way) its difficult I know but you must put this latest blip behind you and get back on track (as I know you will), a very wise person once said to me “yesterday is gone, Tomorrow has not yet come, We have only today, Let us begin”……………………….never a truer word spoken.

      Take care Kin and as always I wish you all the very best in the world in your recovery and life.

      Thank you for you kind words.

      Maverick

    • #14514
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      It is so hard to put them into words, my vanishing feeling and the damage to my quiet calm and peace as a result of losing the confident that life is improving and losing the acceptance of my imperfect life is affecting my happiness and joy.
      I really wish that it is all a dream and my slip/relapse did not happen. If I could turn back the clock, it would not happen.
      I felt like isolating myself and disappearing from the guilt and all the shameful feeling I had instead of facing the world and the truth.
      Life is hard but I was happy in recovery, now I have made it harder.
      I shall continue to work even harder with my remaining time.

    • #14515
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear Sad69

      You are a God send messenger to me today, at a time when I was beginning to feel more and more depress and here come your id, Sad69. Thank you. I appreciate it very much.

      Thank you for reminding me I am not walking alone in my fight to get well, all thanks to God, all thanks to you and all the friends in GT.

      The worst thing that could happen to anyone in my situation now is falling into a depression and into a very hopeless and helpless state with continue destructive behaviors.

      The depress feeling may has return, I can feel the sadness and recognize it but I shall turn my will and my life over to the care of God.
      I am sure over time, everything can still remain not ok but I will be ok by the grace of God but if I take over control now, nothing will change, everything will remain not ok and I will be not ok.

      Let go!

      Let God!

    • #14516
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      After a slip/relapse, one of the first thing to consider was always this slogan: When all else fail, follow directions.

      After meeting the addiction counsellor, I was convince by him to see a doctor for my bleeding. His reason was simple, God says the body is my temple, I must look after it.

    • #14517
      kin
      Sudionik

      Sinner ‘s Prayer

      “Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”

      Dear Vera

      Thank you for the suggestion, I feel better after saying the sinner ‘s prayer.

    • #14518
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      Things is quickly turning out good and looking positive and bright now.

      My family maid took out everything from my 2 wardrobe cabinet when I was not home yesterday. Every clothing useful and not useful was store in there for the last 20 years, nothing change, I didn’t change.

      She didn’t have my permission, and it was not my wish, I didn’t like it one bit, I felt so frustrated when I saw everything turn inside out, I was very disappointed. She just do it and turn out to be my higher power here.

      Her intention was good, she wipe clean the cabinet, wash some of clothing not worn for many years, organize everything for me.

      It allow me to keep the good ones and throw away the unwanted ones.

      This is something is common with the other things happening in my life now.

      I didn’t want to see a doctor for my intestine bleeding, this is my self-will, a few of God ‘s messengers came and explain to me patiently, educate me very gently that my body is God’s temple. It help convince and help me to give up my self-will and seek God’s will.

      “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body,” (1 Cor. 6:19-20).

      Some things inside me never change until now.
      When all else fail, follow directions.

      When my wardrobe cabinet fail, I follow my maid.
      When my health fail, I follow God send messenger advice.

      They are all my Higher Power.

      These is just the beginning…..

    • #14519
      kin
      Sudionik

      Jesus makes the promise (John 14:15-26).
      “If you love me, you will obey what I command. 16And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever–17the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you,” (John 14:15-17).

      2.”Jesus replied, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him,” (John 14:23).

      Your body is the temple of God.
      Be careful where it goes.
      Be careful what it does.
      Be careful what it ponders.
      Be careful how it reacts.

    • #14520
      maverick.
      Sudionik

      wish you well Kin, I cannot seem to post on my journal as I had a great deal to post, hey thats life I suppose, really hope you are doing well and try not to get to upset from your recent slip, life is full of many ups and downs and just keep doing what you know works for you, take care my friend and will always wish you well.

      Maverick

    • #14521
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      Dated 17th April 2016, I just finished my shift working from 7 pm to 7 am , I was very tired and sleepy. Reach home and had a warm shower, I heard a pleading weak voice outside my shower room asking for help and to save her, this is a familiar sound, the last time I heard this, it was from my 85 years old mum who cannot breathe, and another time, it was from my girlfriend over the phone, her father had a fall and become paralysed.
      It was our maid, her arms and legs was having severe cramps and she cannot move. When I check her condition, she describe that this cramp travel from her stomach to her tongue. It sounded serious; she started to panic, cried and pray. The cramp went away but came back shortly a second time over an hour.
      By now, mum and sis was awaken by the commotion on this early Sunday morning. Mum order me to call the ambulance and send her to the accident and emergency department at the hospital. Mum want me to accompany her.
      I was not very uncomfortable and stress by mum taking full control…She didn’t know I was very tired and I do not have much money on me plus I have to work tonight. I wanted to go down stair to withdraw money from the ATM, she even stop me and told me she can pass me some but she didn’t know that ambulance services is very expensive and treatments in the hospital will definitely run into a few hundred dollars at the very minimum and into the thousands in Singapore, I was worried.
      Sis was watching me, she knew something was not right with me.
      Back to the maid, her conditions, signs and description look more serious, if it was a stroke which was her biggest fear, waiting will only make it more serious. She wants me to help her.
      I called the ambulance, and they quickly arrive, sis was not working today and she volunteered to accompany the maid and it relieves my pressure tremendously.
      At the hospital, they run all kind of tests on her, and concluded it was a one off incident and it was nothing serious, and she was discharge on the same day.
      Back to my recovery and realization, mum and maid actually look up to me, I was dependable and was there for them always in all situation for more than a year now. I was willing to run all errands to convenient everyone at home.
      It hit me real hard now that they are depending on me, my responsibility now is very high.
      I realize how much my slip affected me on this day, I just blew away SGD$1,600 which could have been a great help financially in this emergency situation.
      My family didn’t know that while I was trying to be helpful and useful, I was at the same time beating myself up very badly. I felt very sorry for failing them again and felt very guilty. Felt that it was all my fault and now they have to pay the price as a result of my slip/ relapse.
      It was a big lesson today.
      I have a big responsibility, money is important, I have dependents to take care.
      I cannot get drunk and throw away money irresponsibly anymore. I may not use the slot machine but alcohol and slot machine do the same to my mind, they can destroy my life and take away everything important to me, my relationship with my family and God.

    • #14522
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      Thoughts
      Family are kind and loving people, when the maid suffered severe cramp and when she was worried that it could be a stroke.
      If it is true, any delay in treatment will made it more serious, so the family made me called the ambulance service to send her to the hospital.
      85 years old mum who is not thinking straight all the time want to have her voice and opinion heard, she is still telling us what to do.

      Feelings
      Sometimes the family treated outsider better than one of us. Mum like to be the boss, I am not in control, she want us to respect her decision.
      It does not made sense to me, when mum suffered from a choked artery and cannot breathe, when I suffered from unbearable extreme and sharp pain due to my liver problem, we both took a cab to the hospitable. Mum is at least 50 years older than this maid and I am 20 years older than her, and she get to use the ambulance service which can cost sgd150 instead of sgd 15 for cab for severe cramps and because she complaint she cannot move.
      Action
      There are 3 of us, when opinion differs, respect is important, I choose to take a back seat, listen and follow my sis final decision.

    • #14523
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      Event after event is taking place in my life now that I have no control.
      It is not ok because I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to response or react to these situation correctly.
      I have to do something about the “ not ok” before I start rotting again.

      I am going back to the basics – counting my blessing
      When my life was not ok, these things happen:
      Where was I?
      1. I was put behind bar in jail for less than 48 hours
      2. I was lock up in a mental institution over a weekend
      3. I was admitted and had operations in the hospital a few times.
      4. I was chase by money lenders and debtors.
      5. My thoughts, feelings, emotions was a big mess.
      6. I was useless and cannot contribute to my family in time, energy, love and money
      7. I was jobless and have no money for food and transport.
      8. I continue to borrow
      9. I get intoxicated regularly and not living a sober life.
      10. My judgement and decision making was impaired
      11. I tried to kill myself twice.
      12. I did not look for help and a direction
      13. I do not have a God

      What happen?
      I found recovery and God
      Where am I now?
      Life have improve

    • #14524
      kin
      Sudionik

      what really happen to me, what send me into a depression, what turn me to work to numb myself and use alcohol heavily and later gambling. I have build a career I love and destroy it myself in the process.

      My Higher Power has not peal away a layer of skin off, but all the layers at one go to reveal my unresolved emotional wound from 23 years ago.

      I discovered recently that these people from the past have move into the same building which I stay for a few weeks now

      It has come to me, I cannot run, I cannot hide.

      finally 23 years later……I have to face them again but I am more mature, experience and ready now.

      I don’t know how to look at it, she has applied for a personal protection order against me 23 years ago but now her family have move into the same building I reside. It is insane . I can never expected things to turn out like this…I am very confuse.

      Maybe it was time to put a closure to this event that lead me to suffer from post traumatic stress disorder so many years ago.

      I trust you God, I trust You to lead me

    • #14525
      maverick.
      Sudionik

      Kin, always be kind to yourself my friend, you are a truly wonderful person with such a loving heart, God knows you well and also knows your heart just like he knows me and mine, God knows you are a good person and will always look after you even when we think he isn’t around he is………..we just choose not to look for him, we have problems Kin, we are compulsive gamblers and with that it causes us many stresses and problems in life but deep down I know we are both good, kind, loving people, it is difficult to explain but trust me I know what I am talking about.

      Things happen in life for a reason Kin and I honestly believe that, me being a compulsive gambler has caused me many problems and heart ache but with finding recovery it has taught me more than I would have been able to learn in my whole entire life and I mean that.

      Take care my friend and will always wish you well, keep sharing, stay in touch and never not believe in yourself because I know you are well worth believing in!

      I really hope your maid, your mother and most importantly yourself are all well, take care and speak soon, enjoy your day and try not to work to hard.

      You remind me of a song Kin……..”I am a soul thats intentions are good oh lord please don’t let me be misunderstood”

      Maverick

    • #14526
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      I am human, I make mistake.
      When an event take place, especially an event that I have no control over in life and does not wish it to happen to me, I get distracted. I thought I was still focus in God but I was not, when another event took place and another and another, I was overwhelmed and lost my focus and myself totally.
      Normally it will be progressive and take some time before I backslide seriously but I turn to self-medication and turn to mood altering substances , the impact was immediate, the heavy intoxication change my thought pattern back to my old familiar ways, it change the direction of my life for the worst.
      The sermon at the church service today was about
      The Transfiguration (Matthew 17:1-5)
      1Six days later Jesus took with Him Peter and James and John his brother, and led them up on a high mountain by themselves. 2And He was transfigured before them; and His face shone like the sun, and His garments became as white as light. 3And behold, Moses and Elijah appeared to them, talking with Him. 4Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, it is good for us to be here; if You wish, I will make three tabernacles here, one for You, and one for Moses, and one for Elijah.” 5While he was still speaking, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and behold, a voice out of the cloud said, “This is My beloved Son, with whom I am well-pleased; listen to Him!”
      An event took place, Peter was impulsive, he want to do something, but God ‘s voice tell Peter to listen to Jesus.
      I have been acting out in my ways for the last few weeks and not seeking God’s ways. The outcome was harmful and damaging. I had to renew my commitment to surrender my will and my life over to the care of God. I am going back to the day I check myself, if it is a selfish, self-centred and self- seeking way, I shall deny myself. I shall give up my way and follow God’s way and carry my cross. I am prepared for the discomfort, the burden, pain and suffering if there is any. I will carry my cross. I am going to try hard to be total abstinence for 180 days from today.
      When I don’t care, trust myself more, trust God less and follow my own ways, I am prone to do wrong.
      It was different from I care and Trust God and follow God‘s way.
      I am an impulsive person, I must learn to be patient, sometimes I don’t have to do anything, I only need to let go and let God.

    • #14527
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      When things start to improve, I become complacent recently, I lower my guard and didn’t think I need to keep it at 100%, I didn’t think a small fire can be that destructive to me, but when there was a few small fire burning around at the same time, I realize I was vulnerable and not ready to kill it.
      There are many things I didn’t do.
      I realize I was dissatisfied and find it hard to be contented with all the unexpected events that happen lately, I started to focus on the things I do not have and forget to be grateful for all the things I have and risk losing everything as a result, is it worth it? Ever since I found a religion, I realize I was such a big fool, I can substitute God with another thing such as alcohol and gambling. Instead of resting on God, I turn to other ways.
      I was enjoying the new freedom I have after a few years,and I was not working as hard as I used to be on my day one when I go total abstinence, I allow myself to do things I wouldn’t do. I lose my discipline, I have less purpose in doing things, and I give myself room to do wrong morally, my excuse was I am still working my recovery but I was not trying as hard as I used to normally do.
      I didn’t take baby steps, I was not looking at what is directly in front of me, I was not focusing on saving and giving SGD1,500 this month, I was dreaming about saving SGD 70,000 for the house and giving to my family SGD$70,000 over the next few years.
      I was not doing first thing first, I was not looking at one thing at a time, I was already planning for bigger things 4 to 8 years later, my eyes are already looking far and not focusing on what is in front of me.
      It is no wonder I trip and fall, I even roll….haha
      Again I did it my way and my way proves it didn’t work for the hundredth times.
      The challenges now is not bigger than 3 years back, if I focus and do the same back then…I should be fine.

      Thank you God.

    • #14528
      kin
      Sudionik

      An impulsive man is characterized by actions based on sudden desires, or inclinations rather than careful thought.

      An impulsive kiss is based on emotional impulses; spontaneous

      An impulsive person can be forceful, inciting, or impelling

      If someone is impulsive, it means that they act on instinct, without thinking decisions through.
      If someone have worked for an entire year to save money for the family and then suddenly decided to spend it all on alcohol and gambling instead, that would be an impulsive spending.
      Impulses are short, quick feelings, and if someone is in the habit of acting on them, they’re impulsive

      Dear diary
      I realized I was an impulsive person, I did not help myself, taking alcohol only made matter worst.
      Reach home today at 8 am and was informed by my family maid that a man have committed suicide by jumping down a highrise flat next to our block 2 hours earlier.
      Regardless of how bad the situation or thing is turning out for me, every single day alive was a bonus, there is no need to rush anymore, I could have been dead more than 18 years ago if I have succeeded, but I can lose my mindfulness and forget.
      If one stay in recovery long enough, if one has attended enough meeting, one will surely experience friends in recovery who pass away of unnatural causes. Rest in peace my friends.
      Many times I do not have to do anything but it take a lot of wisdom calm and serenity to stay still, let go and let God, it is easier say than done in early recovery.

      It takes strength for a recovering person to be able to keep still, imagine the impulsive, compulsive and anxiety issues and struggles they have to overcome first to be able to do this.

      I think every recovering person should be proud of this fact, This maybe nothing for a normal person without this problems but it is a big deal for a recovering person to be able to be still.

    • #14529
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      Every entry in this forum is growing in importance and helping me, my past is teaching me how to live my life today and pointing me in the right direction.
      My last rock bottom was in year 2013, since then it has been one of the most fulfilling and rewarding period in my recovery journey, I was hopeful, and things has been good for more than a year now, but life is full of up and down, this is life’s term.
      Finally, this month was not a good month, there were so many unexpected things happening to me one after another, I never experience this many bad news since end 2013. But it was still nothing compare to what I went through in 2013 which was more serious.
      I expected my recovery to remain stable and good. I was prepared to accept one or two bad news but not when most things is turn upside down this month, I find this hard to accept, I was dissatisfied and lost my gratitude.
      Nevertheless I am sure I will be grateful about this lousy month one day in the future, it has reminded and taught me that there will be bad times in recovery, not every day is easy, some days will be tough like this month.
      I was a fool and it was stupidity to expect “good days alway” in recovery. When reality strike and it wasn’t, I lose my cool.
      Anyway I cannot wait for this month to be over. In the meanwhile, the bad news continue, I was just told by the income tax department that they will tax me and I may be indebted to them for SGD$900, something new to me plus I receive a legal letter of demand from Housing Board here for SGD$300 today, I forget to made SGD$25 payments for 12 months.
      Just glad I am no more taking alcohol or gambling. The experience this month has increase my awareness for living life on life‘s terms.

      In time to come, I will laugh it off what I experience this month.

    • #14530
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      Today was the first day I woke up thanking God since 9th April 2016.

      I am speaking from my own personal experience. It may be a one time incident for the alcohol but the damage was done, it changes my priority, focus, and ways. It made me backslide to an earlier period.

      All the good changes that have taken place recently has suddenly disappear in my daily life and I keep getting old familiar thoughts of acting out and it squeezes God out of my life.

      If I plan to use my salary to gamble or use alcohol, there is no more room to love my family, I feel that I do not have the same amount of money to give them. This is a lie, I cannot believe what my mind is telling me.

      My mind tell me to continue to use alcohol lightly, continue to gamble, give up my plan to love my family since it has fail, my relationship with God has distance, my life has change for the worst.

      This is all a lie, it was the devil trying to convince me to go back to my old ways.

      I stop and stay there, I did not continue to slide down but my mind is convincing me to continue the downward slide.

      In recovery, the past is history, I cannot change what has happen, I cannot undo my irresponsible deeds.
      Today is the most important day, I can be accountable and responsible today.
      I cannot change yesterday but I can do something about today.
      One day at a time, it all add up and determine my future.

    • #14531
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      April 2016 was a bad month for me over the last 18 months.

      There are people who don’t made the same mistake I do, my younger brother is one of them, they will never do what I did. They are more responsible, they do not choose to run away or escape, self-medicate when things become unbearable.

      I was more responsible in my life now compare to the past but I still have a thresh hold or limit for bad news and pain. When things become so uncomfortable and painful, I am capable of giving up and throwing every thing away and turn to alcohol and gambling.

      Recovery was nice and kind to me, it has become enjoyable and fun, rewarding and worth it.

      I am speaking from my personal experience, I feel that there are many things I cannot control in my life.

      Just to mention one, I cannot control the weather and there are really many things in life that I have no control over and can happen.
      I just learn a big lesson in life, sometime all the bad news can show up together, one after another in a string, when you feel that this will be the last one, another one show up.
      I have a problem, my expectation of life and recovery can be very unrealistic. I don’t and never expected many bad things to happen all at once, but this can happen to anyone.

      I thought this is only normal if I am not living my life properly, and when bad news or bad things happen to me, it is kind of expected, fair and acceptable but it is a different story for me if I try hard to live my life properly and everything goes wrong, I feel that it is hard and not acceptable. I was not ready for that and was totally not prepared for it. I have set myself up to fail.

      I can be very certain now that in life and in recovery, there will be bad news and things may not turn out according to our wishes.
      How many bad news and how much pain can I take all at once ?
      What is my thresh hold, what is my limit for adversity and pain in life.

      I have flaws. My resilient have limit. I am so afraid and worried when life become so painful and fearful, I will become a coward. I will betray my Higher Power, I will leave my Higher Power. I will give up recovery. I will not love my family.

      What happen recently was part of my growth.

      Help me God, lead me.

      Thank you God, today I feel grateful and contented with what I have.

    • #14532
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      I am not going to do it with my own strength, HE will deal with it.

    • #14533
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      About My Distorted thinking / Irrational Thoughts
      It goes back to my old familiar, predictable and irresponsible ways to handle financial problems.
      It was an old habit, I have done it many times over and over again for many years, sometimes turn to many times I have succeeded in winning my gamble and the additional money solve my problem, it prove that what I did was right, every time I have no peace and stress over finance matters, I do this, does it matter that the way I do it was wrong.
      This is a quick fix and an escape for me / running away from the long and painful slow months and years of repaying to cleared my debt. It felt like a long imprisonment sentence (cannot wait to get out of this prison immediately) because I lost the freedom to use my money, I feel like a slave, I ended up working for money just to repay my debt and nothing else, life become very meaningless.
      The truth of the matter was that I done this over and over again many times, after many years, I realized that I lost more money than all the wins add up altogether.
      On most times, it actually worsen the situation and deepen the holes. I have learnt thru these painful experiences and realize that I was not contented with the money I had during these times. I feel that it is not enough and I want more. I fail to realize the little money I had is better than being broke. I failed to be grateful for being able to pay some bills and not for all the bills. In the end, I lost all the money I had trying to win some more and throw every thing I had away. I complicated my problem and make it harder for myself, I created a new problem on top of the original one. Now I lost all the money that are supposed to cover the necessities for the month.
      Self-deception
      To break free from this problem, the old ways have to go! I cannot forget the old habitual thoughts but I can don’t follow my thought and practice new thoughts and new ways.

      Stinking Thinking
      The thoughts , the temptation and urge to use old familiar way to solve my financial problem through gambling was all a lie, it was a con job by my mind, it is very deceiving and convincing, it can tell me a thousand and one reasons why it is alright to go ahead to gamble and that I gamble out of love, the winnings can be used to treat my love one better and that I gamble out of responsibility, the winnings can be used to pay for the bills or service the debt. Crossing the road have risk, marriage have risk, many things i do every day have risk , just like gambling, why not gamble. It is not ok to do it. Stop listening to these lies and stinking thinking.
      The truth of the matter, if I don’t gamble, the limited money I had is enough to pay for the necessities. The bigger debt or loan can be overcome by setting aside a smaller amount over a longer period.
      When I feel that life is tough, please please please don’t panic or get frustrated , I only need to wait, I don’t need to gamble, I don’t need to do anything.
      The ability to be patient and be still, the ability to find peace and calm in the middle of a financial storm, requires depth in strength and a lot of practice. Our frustration and discontentment can turn into anger and impatient, it can lead us to become impulsive and get into more toubles.
      Wait
      The truth of the matter was I find it very tough and hard, to restrict myself, I cannot do this, I cannot do that in recovery, cannot borrow, cannot gamble, cannot spend more than my allowance every day. I am so fed up that I want to give up this strict, discipline and regimental life temporary before all the bills and debts are cleared. I can feel the pressure and stress sometime in early days.
      The wisdom behind all these practices was not to restrict us but to free us to love again.
      If I am contented with the limited money, no shoes to wear is better than having no feet. If I have faith and trust that it will be enough to pay for most of the necessities, most of the needs will be met every month, slowly I gain confident, I start to learn how to find peace and calm in my life even though it was not a perfect month.
      If there are not enough money to pay for the lesser priority bills, postpone it to the next month, it will still be settled. If it is a top priority bill and I do not have enough, break it into many payments. If I do not have the money to buy or pay for something now, I can do it 3 years later, it make living life so much more manageable.

      I learn acceptance, my responsibility is to do my best, sometime my best is not enough, life is not perfect, man is not perfect and there is no reason to allow this imperfection to rob us of our peace.
      There will be times when I can have money to give my love one a treat but it may require me to sacrifice or give up something I like. I learn to consciously stop feeding my own desires and self-will, I learn to give up selfish, self-centered, self- seeking spending. I learn to tighten my wallet, I really have to work very hard compare to others I know to have some money to love my family.
      This lesson taught me how to love. In the past, I love and give out of surplus, now I learn to give my all.
      Everything happen for a reason.
      Wait and it will be reveal to us in time.
      Have faith. Trust.
      I like to borrow a line from the anonymous group, in the promises, it says if we are painstaking about this phrase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through…

    • #14534
      vera
      Sudionik

      You’ve been through a lot lately, Kin.
      I have been reading all you wrote although I haven’t been posting.
      You have the courage to come back and start again. There are no short cuts. No quick fixes. No easy routes. Just one day, one step at a time. Always starting with Step One. You’ll be fine , Kin. Set backs strengthen our resolve.

    • #14535
      kin
      Sudionik

      Hi Vera

      If everything goes by the month, I am glad April 2016 is over and history.
      The wake up call I get from this slip just show how I can still be very powerless and unmanageable over people, places and things that I have little or no control…using alcohol and gambling only make matter worst.
      I am glad life has return back to normal now. I truly appreciate the vulnerable feeling I get – the fear and vigilant kept me safe otherwise after a while I can drift and get complacent.

    • #14536
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,

      These people used the right words to describe what happen to me.

      The worst thing that ever happen to me was winning some money, I ended up spending more money trying to replicate the feeling. ~ Slot-machine Addict.
      Once you interact with these machines, the dynamic changes, and what you get out of these machine is not necessary the excitement and thrill of winning but the pleasure of being in this rhythmic zone. ~ Assistant Professor Natasha Schull
      It was like a trance that came over me ~ Slot-machine Addict
      When you are sitting in front of that machine, you are intoxicated. You have not taken a pill , you have not taken a drink, you have not put something into your vein, but that doesn’t mean your brain chemistry haven’t change. ~ Dr Robert Breen, Director, Gambling Treatment Progam, Rhode Island Hospital
      In 2001, Doctor Hans Breiter and colleagues at Massachusetts General hospital conducted an experiment comparing the brain of a cocaine addict receiving a dose of cocaine and a healthy control subject playing the game of chance.
      You look at the brain images of the activation of the primary reward system in the center of the human brain when they are a cocaine addict expecting a cocaine infusion vs a normal control subject expecting a monetary win, we saw the same thing, they are nearly identical, I could not distinguish who have receive cocaine and who have won a gambling task. ~ Doctor Hans Breiter, Director, Motivational and Emotional Neuroscience Center, Massachuset ts General hospital
      The US national gambling impact study commission called these electronic gambling machines the crack cocaine of creating new addicted gamblers. ~ John Kindt , Professor, Business and Legal Policy, University of Illinios
      The Gambling industry members talk about how to keep the people playing the machine longer, faster and more intensively and the way they speak about their aim is an aim of player extinction. Keeping the player there until their budget is thoroughly exhausted , until they have zero the player out.

    • #14537
      kin
      Sudionik

      Impulse Control Disorders are a group of impulsive behaviours that has been accepted as psychiatric disorders.
      An impulse Control Disorder can be loosely defined as the failure to resist an impulsive act or behaviour that may be harmful to self and others.
      An impulsive behaviour or act is considered to be one that is not premeditated or not considered in advance and one over which the individual has little or no control.
      The impulsive behaviours or actions refer to violent behaviours, sexual behaviour, gambling behaviour, stealing, fire starting and self-abusive behaviours.
      There are six category under this general diagnosis, Trichotillomania, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Pathological Gambling, Kleptomania, Pyromania and not otherwise specified.

    • #14538
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      The depth and seriousness with which I will work the next 11 steps depend directly on the depth and seriousness with which I accept Step 1
      I cannot handle the slot machine, when I use the slot machine, I lose, when I fight the slot machine, it win. If I cannot stop using the slot machine, the slot machine will stop me. When I admit that I am completely helpless, that all my own gambling effort has fail, then I cease to be helpless.
      Now there is hope because at the back of my head, if I still believe i can handle slot machine, I will try the slot machine again.

    • #14539
      kin
      Sudionik

      Bill Wilson – Co founder of AA define a slip or relapse as a return to drinking after a period of sobriety. A return to drinking is a return to complete insanity. That was the sanity mention in step two.
      “We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can return us to sanity”
      The insanity of an alcoholic is when he is physically sober, he pick up the first drink of the next series of drinks and that is a totally irrational and insane behavior to go back to consuming a drug that is killing him.
      Insanity
      With one swallow, the alcoholic no matter how many years sober is catapult back into the hell which he came from in the first place; that is an instance return to a life of living a lie
      Resentment and self-pity
      Resentment and self-pity are luxuries that the alcoholic can ill afford,
      Resentment and self-pity unless face and handle, or at least an attempt to handle them is made, have often resulted in a return to drinking.

      ~ Father Joseph Martin~

      Dear diary

      The same apply to my gambling.

    • #14540
      vera
      Sudionik

      “First the man takes a drink;
      Then the drink takes a drink;
      Then the drink takes the man”
      Same with gambling, Kin. Once we succumb to the insanity, gambling will consume us.
      Stay focused and we will stay sane.

    • #14541
      charles
      Moderator

      Kin, well done on continuing to use support here and elsewhere.

      I am concerned about your health though, have you sought medical advcie yet?

    • #14542
      p
      Sudionik

      I hope you are ok and getting that check up from DR.. please go see about your health. You are worth it Kin.. I m hoping you have a good day today and i will catch you around in chat some time soon here or at gam talk

      P

    • #14543
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      For a salaried person, the vicious cycle of addition seem to co-incide with payday, it has the perfection condition for an addiction to grow in strength.
      I remember ATM – Access to gambling places, Time to go to these gambling places and Money to conduct the gambling are the outside factors. H.A.L.T – Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired are the inside factors.
      Been there done that, staying clean for 29 days, only to put the toxic back into the body on the 30th day when payday arrive, then the whole cycle repeat itself for a long time. This is what addiction can do to a suffering gambling addict.
      I just woke up and knew I had an escape today.
      The condition was ideal and perfect for the devil of addiction to strike me today. I just finish a 12 hours shift at 8am, I was tired. Payday just passed. Today was a Sunday. There are football matches every hours. I am a sports fan, when I need a break, turning to sports is a good relief and distraction. Places to bet on these matches is everywhere, near work and home, they are everywhere .
      The first thought came after work at 9 am, as I stay up and get more tired mentally, the gambling thought grew in strength and the thought keep repeating itself all the way until 5pm, it causes me great anxieties and stress today. It only stop after I slept at 5 pm.
      “Obsessions are repeated thoughts, urges, or mental images that cause anxiety.”
      I have some awareness of what is happening today but how did I escape? I actually ask myself why did I want to gamble?
      I didn’t expect to have such strong and intense gambling thought and urge today.
      I was just felt glad today that immediately soon after payday a few days back, I gave my sis 75% of my pay for this month. I didn’t leave a lot of excess cash on me.
      Am I chasing the gambling loses from the past ? my excess cash is small, any potential winning from this small capital will not help, I feel that it is not about chasing lose but about other things.
      Do I wish to have the extra money from the gambling win be it small or big? I ask myself, am I gambling due to my greed for more money or am I desiring to replicate the winning feeling from a winning bet.
      I remember that I was telling myself that I don’t need to gamble for more money in the morning, I have enough money to last me for the rest of the month comfortably.
      If I enjoy that winning feeling and like to experience it again, I acknowledge this desire, but I really do not have to do it, the risk is too high and not worth it.
      I can either live with my anxiety today or be stress for the next 30 days
      I was feeling very anxious to place the bet when I didn’t today but if I lost my living expenses, I will create stress for myself for the next 30 days, it is not worth it at all, it is all self-inflicted.
      The last thing I do for the day at 4pm, was telling myself to follow the recovery slogan that is “to do the next right thing” which was to take a proper lunch. One thing lead to the next, after lunch, I return home to sleep at 5pm.
      The anxiety and stress level was high today.
      Guess this is the price I have to pay for my slip one month back, alcohol can do crazy thing to my mind and open the door to all my addictive ways, now I have to go back to step one and work on my foundation and strength to close this door again before it is push wide open for everything bad to come back into my life.
      I am not a doctor, scientist or a behavioral expert, I am only a recovering addict and I only know that when I woke up after the sleep, the anxiety and stress disappear, there was no trace of it when I woke up, the strength to say no to gambling return but I was really weak earlier today.
      Maybe I could have make it easier for myself and return home to sleep immediately after work but I did not have that discipline.

      I need to admit my weakness and be honest about my problem.
      I cannot get heal for something that is not there

    • #14544
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      Who would have believe that I have no control over the obsessive thoughts which is repetitive and can causes intense anxiety in me.

      What a big difference 9th May and 10th May 2016 was to me.

      Everything else was the same except that I was well rested today despite having more time, it was my off day but I felt totally different from yesterday, there was no struggle today.

      All that anxiety and intense gambling thoughts from yesterday has disappear today.

    • #14545
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear dairy
      There is no other place for me to do this except here.
      This platform allow me to be honest and write about my own struggles in recovery and read about others
      Tonight I am writing with a heavy heart, I feel that one really have to be there to understand and appreciate what everyone is going thru
      I have just read what 2 friends have wrote in their thread and find many similarities and struggles.
      Vera and P is doing well now, while Maverick and Kathryn is experiencing some very difficult times.
      Better life did not come easy to anyone of us and maintaining it takes a lot of effort and care.
      The honesty in every one of you when you write, the struggle you all face, make me feel that I am not alone in this journey.
      First we have to deal with the following:
      1. Compulsion: an irresistible urge to gamble
      2. Obsession: repetitive gambling thoughts that will cause anxiety and stress if we do not gamble.
      3. Impulse control disorder: the failure to resist an impulsive behavior , one that is not premeditated / not consider in advance, one over which the individual has little or no control, that may be harmful to self and others.
      After all the hard work, pain and struggle to manage the above feelings and stay gamble free, one still have to manage the below;
      Many have learn it the painful way, when one stay gamble free, it doesn’t mean that relationship with others will not fail, our body will not fall sick, love ones will not leave us, unemployment will not hit us, poverty and getting into debts will not happen to us.
      Hardship and pain can still happen to anyone doing well in recovery. If we are not aware and mindful, prepared or ready and does not have the acceptance, it can wipeout all our effort in recovery completely, it is a very dangerous thing.
      Anything can happen in life, especially to people like us. It has never been smooth in the past.
      Anything better than the past is already an progress and improvement in life and will be very much appreciated, no need to be perfect. Some improvement in life is still better than none. It is good enough reason to be grateful, contented, happy and have joy.
      I remember God tonight when I withdrew SGD500 at the atm machine in the supermarket at 9.30pm, it was next to the betting counter, I was considering whether to bet on a football match at 1 am in Sweden. I suddenly remember and reminded myself to give up listening to my desire and give up my self-will and to follow Him. I ended up walking away from the betting counter.
      The struggle that I have been experiencing lately are unnecessary because it was all about ME, I, MYSELF and resisting feeding my own selfish, self-centered and self-seeking desires.
      If I had follow my Higher Power, it will be a clear decision, it will be a straight no and there is no struggle.
      I only struggle and develop anxiety and stress when I am the one making the final call and I am switching my thoughts between no I shouldn’t gamble and ”if and why not gamble“ if I go ahead to gamble, how much to gamble, what to gamble.
      The winning amount is not important, it cannot solve my life problem. I just want to experience the gambling action and winning feeling.
      I forgotten that I cannot serve two master at the same time, it is either GOD or me.

    • #14546
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      If I had listen to myself and gone ahead with the bet.
      I would have lost everything 2 times so far.

      Those sudden impulse to punt is really very harmful to me.
      It is neither a well studied plan or a business decision, it is just an impulsive one, a blind one, a wild guess, punting for the sake of punting to relive or feel the gambling experience.

      It was so difficult to save myself from me. It is only a matter of time I fail if I am the one making the final call. I have a thresh hold or limit to resist, one day I will fail.

      One day when I start to feed the impulsive thought, it will eventually empower me.

      Another very clear and convincing evidence that only a Higher Power can save me from me.

    • #14547
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      I was showering when I had this self reflection, If I want to relive my gambling experience and winning feeling? Why didn’t I punt the minimum bet of SGD$5?

      It wouldn’t have cause me any damage and at the same time, allow me to experience the whole gambling experience and sometime the winning feelings.
      I have always consider minimum bet a waste of time and energy, and not worth the effort. I will never do this.

      Suddenly I realize I didnt understand myself very well but the truth is revealing itself.

      I love the high, thrill and excitement that come from high risk activity and I am attracted to these feelings…a low and minimum bet cannot give me this feeling.

      The fear of losing, the big relief feeling of escaping death and the agony of a loss. The satisfaction that comes from the right call and the maximum win, the thrill and excitement from the emotional roller coaster ride in a gamble.

      The fear of losing – minimum bet wouldn’t give me this fear, the anxiety and excitement nearing the end of the match.

      Only high risk can give me that feeling.

      It is strange that I can lose all my awareness and mindfulness suddenly and sell my soul.

      I am willing to trade in my peace and calm, my gratitude and contentment, my happiness and joy, me and my love one ‘s security and safety when I am impulsive.

      It took so many years, so much hardship and suffering, so much effort one day at a time to recover and get well.

      One moment of insanity and impulsiveness, I am willing to throw everything away. It is really insane.

      I will do that. I cannot be in control. I must let go of the steering wheel and hand it over to the Higher Power.

      The most difficult thing for me was to forget the memory associated with my gambling behaviors, I cannot erase that part of memory and when I have stress, anxiety …I automatically consider old familiar ways for relief, I turn to gambling.

      I have to work very hard to use new ways to replace old ways whenever they show up.

    • #14548
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      I am writing from my own personal experience, it has been more than a month now since I ended up heavily intoxicated. I tried but I cannot stop myself backsliding, I only slow it down now, I can feel it.
      There are so many things that felt so different now. I felt that the money I had is not enough but it is not true.
      I used to have a strong connection to God and rest in Him, I surrender to Him, believe that He will provide sufficient and I feel very secure.
      I let go of the control, and seek His will. There was a time I was not struggling in doing this, it was a beautiful period in recovery for me, everything just fall nicely into place for me, it was the best time of my recovery.
      Now I struggle trying to do the same thing, I am very tempted to take control of my life.
      I just look at my notes and record for the past few months this year and I notice that I was not doing well compare to last year in the same period, but it is still possible, I can still catch up and rescue my year if I can be discipline for the remaining 7 months.
      I felt like one lucky fella because if the barriers was not in place to check myself, I will definitely be spiraling downward very much faster uncontrollably.
      I continue this journal, handover most of my money to someone, stay connected to recovery and attend church service, these have help me in many ways now.
      I have wrote about my weakness for the last one month as suggest in Step One, I have tried to be honest in admitting my weakness, how I was powerless over my emotions, the heat, my health, people, places and things, how impulsive compulsive and obsessive I can be, the uncontrollability and unmanageability in my life brought about by my use of alcohol and gambling.
      Admitting the above is not enough!
      I am still holding on to the control, if I am still listening and following me, my ways will send myself back to a same old predictable place…the bottom.
      Nothing change if I am in control.
      I experience a new life in the same period last year when I hand over control to a Higher Power and follow his ways. God’s way is not man ‘s way. New ways replaces my old ways.
      My old ways has return.
      Help me God! Help me to surrender to you, God.

    • #14549
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      Alcohol ruined my life.
      I used it so heavily, I can get very intoxicated, I suffer from memory lapse or blackout, I got myself so numb I cannot feel well for a long time.
      It has got me into all kind of trouble I don’t normally do in real life. I have ended in the hospital, and behind bar.
      My judgement become impaired and my self-control become very impulsive, I have aged now, I am very fearful I will break the law under the influence of alcohol.
      I am speaking about my personal experience. I made my life so difficult for myself because I abuse alcohol. I took alcohol to numb myself on the 9th April 2016 and struggle to correct my feeling after that. It is stupid if you know how hard I tried to correct my feeling, first I tried hard to numb myself completely, then I tried hard to correct my feeling to be sensitive.
      After 3 weeks or so, when I can feel myself better, I experience a different problem
      I start to follow my feeling and I have a different struggle.
      I focus so much on me and myself, until I start to act according to my feelings again
      My way was not a good way.
      I took poison and cannot feel myself, and I start to devote time to get well and feel myself.
      Now I struggle as a result of this.
      My focus is on feeling me and not God.
      I struggle very hard to listen to me and not God.
      When I can feel and listen to me, I follow me and my thoughts and not God.
      Alcohol really complicate my life. It was very deceiving and a big trap, I never think that I cannot control my alcohol or gambling use.

    • #14550
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      I believe there is a Higher Power. Look where all these writing lead me now.
      It exposes my mask in recovery. My stubbornness puts on a mask which says to the world, “It’s not me—it’s just this situation.
      Is stubbornness the chief of all the defects hindering my recovery? I really don’t know.
      I have a tendency to justify my situation and gamble
      I have a tendency to argue against staying gambling free on seemingly logical ground.
      This is how I put on my stubborn mask in recovery.
      Stubbornness is the tendency to resist any change.
      Why do I resist change (staying gamble free)?
      I want instant solution and quickest way to fix my financial problem. I was anxious and impatient, I gamble to get instant gratification. I don’t need to wait.
      It was hard to see a problem and sit on it. Be still and stay calm. It takes a clear mind and strength to do nothing now and manage the problem over time. I struggle with this thought.
      What am I afraid of (staying gamble free)?
      Recovery is very slow, especially repayment or saving plan. I am impatient of waiting.
      “The personality with stubbornness is over-sensitive to the possibility of having sudden or unwanted change imposed upon itself, and sees the threat of it everywhere.
      Anything new or different or involving change is perceived (subconsciously at least) as a direct threat—even if the change in question is positive and in the person’s best interests.”
      I don’t know what negative experience I had when I was young, why do I become over sensitive and over react, why do I see change or staying gambling free as a threat to my situation.
      I don’t understand why I have constant fear, feeling of insecurity and instability. Mood altering substance and behavior like alcohol and slot machine made things worst.
      Why did I refuse to stay gamble free?
      Feel that my money is not enough, I want more (contented money is enough, I don’t need some more – happy and grateful for what I have and not be unhappy about what I don’t have)
      Cannot wait ( I need to give up my self-will, staying calm and patience, it will turn out alright )
      Acting out in self destructive acts or greedy ways ( I need to give up desires or selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways – selflessness and sacrifice)
      I cried I have no shoe until I saw a man on the street with no feet.
      Why do I block out this new and unfamiliar gamble free life?
      Fear, insecurity and instability ( I need to have confident, faith and believe that everything will be fine in the end without the gambling win )
      Why did I think that I can still control alcohol and gambling?
      False Pride ( but I was beaten by gambling – humility)
      Why did I think that I can take alcohol and gamble like a normal person?
      Arrogant ( but I lost money, love ones ,time and my career due to gambling and alcohol use)
      The chief feature of stubbornness will often insist nothing is wrong in the first place, no matter what the evidence are.

      When I am not ignorant of my problem, I fail because I was selfish, arrogant and stubborn. I have no acceptance, not open to change and trying something new.

    • #14551
      vera
      Sudionik

      Kin, I hope you are not being too hard on yourself?
      It is good to be aware of our faults and failings, but I don’t think God wants us to torture ourselves for our past mistakes.
      When He forgives , He forgets.
      We tend to see God in Human terms.
      He sees your efforts and your positive traits.
      “All things work together for good for those who love God!” Rom. 8:28
      Forgive yourself and focus on today.

    • #14552
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear Vera

      I made a mistake but recovery and life have to continue. Since the heavy drinking on the 9th April 2016, my feelings has been mess up and it affected my judgement and decision otherwise I am good. Can only wait patiently for everything to balance again.

      Working on recovery is good and worth it. Wishing you, P, Kathryn, Beatie, Lori, Maverick, Ken, Charles and everyone reading all the best in your recovery and future.

      Blessings

      Kin

    • #14553
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear dairy
      Why do people who was sober for a period fade in recovery?
      That was address in the parable of the spiritual growth in Luke 8.
      Am I not serious in my recovery. Am I proud resulting in lack of wisdom ?
      Many times I felt that I have lost my recovery like this moment and search endlessly for it?
      I heard a sermon by a American pastor that God searches too. God doesn’t lose thing like we do for HE knows where everything is and where everyone is but yet HE is searching for people who want to grow spiritually. HE is looking for fertile receptive soil where HE can plant the seeds of the word of God, soil in which His words can take root. Because God is not going to force His truth into our life. God doesn’t force feed us, HE want us to desire it just like a new born babe.
      As new born babies, earnestly desires the words of God ~ 1 Peter 2:2
      Healthy children are hungry children, if you are in good health, you will be hungry, a spiritual appetite is a healthy sign, you are hungry for the words of God.

      We are the one to decide what kind of soil our hearts will be, we decide if we are going to move forward spiritually or we are going to go backward spiritually, it is really up to us. God wants us to grow but we must want to grow as well. You see there is God’s part and there is our part.
      Philippians 2:12“….now much more in my absence – work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.
      It doesn’t say work for your own salvation; because you cannot work for it. It is a gift of God. It says work out your own salvation with fear and trembling,
      work out translate to “carry it to the goal and complete.” ( that is our part)
      Philippians 2:13….for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.~
      There is human responsibility and divine sovereignty
      work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, carry it to the goal and complete it. (our part), but it is God that is working in you. (God ‘s part)
      So there is God’s part and our part but the only way we can make it is by the daily help of the Holy Spirit. Be filled with the Holy Spirit.
      Ephesians 5:18…And do not get drunk on wine, which results in ruined lives, but be filled with the Holy Spirit.
      Apostle Paul was well acquainted with the Scriptures and certainly knew what fearing God meant and what it meant to tremble before God. He knew the Scriptures well enough to have read in the Old Testament that the fear of God equated to wisdom and that trembling represented humility or being humble.
      ( Positive) Fear = wisdom
      ( Positive)Trembling = humility
      Someone who is proud doesn’t fear God and will lack godly wisdom and someone who doesn’t tremble at His Word doesn’t take the Bible seriously.
      (Negative) No fear = proud and lack wisdom
      (Negative) Doesn’t tremble = not serious in recovery
      These are two grave mistakes that will ensure that God is going to resist them (James 4:6).
      Why are some people so full of faith and belief in recovery, who are always leading and giving advice to other recovering people, backslide after some set back. Why did they lose it? Why did people have an excitement about recovery that just fade away?
      Maybe they build their recovery on the wrong foundation. When the initial excitement in recovery passes and the trial or temptation comes, they bail. They have no root, they believe for a while, when the trial and temptation come, they fade.
      There will be pain, hardship, suffering and sacrifice in recovery when that happen, they fail. They walk away because they don’t want to pay that price.
      You need discipline, you need to deny yourself and accept the withdrawal that comes from not acting out but when these emotional low happen, unbelieve set in, they begin to doubt recovery and compromise their recovery..

    • #14554
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear dairy

      Something is happening to me now. Today I saw one of the many signs again. After another long night at work, I was tired mentally and physically.

      Signs is showing I am weaker nowadays and it is affecting me very badly. I wish to hide this but I don’t want to do that in my journal.

      When I was tired mentally and physically today, I actually wanted to revoke my non casino exclusion ban. I wanted my self medication options open, I was desperate enough to consider this stupid measures, it is crazy and totally insane.
      The thought was strong before the sleep but it disappear completely after my sleep. Look like I am more unstable nowadays.

    • #14555
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      I really appreciate the financial freedom after I have lost it. I do not have the wisdom and gratitude to be grateful when I have it, I took everything for granted. I never thought I can lose my freedom, I thought I only lose calculated money and time.
      Freedom to do anything; free from the stress of repayment and servicing endless loans, free to buy gifts of love, free to go for movie and good meal and travel to anywhere anytime. It was really a luxury. It has to be earned by a compulsive gambler like myself.
      I got it, and I lose it by gambling.
      All the worries, anxieties and stress due to financial reasons in most part of my life was self –inflicted, it comes with the gambling
      I was blind to this fact, I could not see the light. I didn’t want to admit it was due to my gambling. I blame it on everything else except gambling. It was important for me to see that because when I gave up my gambling, the freedom will slowly return and I will experience financial freedom, peace, calm, and joy again.
      I don’t have to do more than one job to repay my debt, I will have more time. There will be saving and I will have the freedom to buy or do anything that money can buy.
      A Choice to return to gambling and a life of ruins
      I have read that the hardest thing for people like me was to forget the feelings and things associated with gambling. I cannot erase my memory. Me and my thoughts can be very predictable.
      When I feel bored, lonely, stress, disappointed and frustrated, anygry, mentally tired and in pain. My mind automatically asked me to gamble, they are together.
      I check myself now. If I have some money and the time and If I lose it all, if I do not go into financial hardship or hit rock bottom as a result. I will start to have the illusion or false belief that I can afford this great risk from gambling. I was blind. I cannot see the real danger. I have a false feeling that it will not happen to me again after so many times.
      Before hitting rock bottom, I will first walk into my prison and lose my freedom. Freedom that money and time can give me.
      My mind will be preoccupied with gambling. Every day I am always thinking and planning what to gamble, how much to gamble, should I gamble. I will feel very anxious if I do not gamble and I will feel very stress if I resist and fight my gambling thoughts. My mind become like a spoilt tape recorder that keep repeating these thoughts. All my time and energy was lost and It make me feeling tired.
      When I have no more money, any bills big or small give me anxiety and make me feel emotional low. I become anxious about my next pay day, pay day suddenly become the most important day in the week and month. I have become a slave. I am no more enjoying other important things in life.
      My life priorities change. Gambling, and love for money have squeeze out love for God, my family and myself.
      When I return to a life of self-destruction, I become selfish, self-centered and self-seeking, I love myself more. I sacrifice others. I do not sacrifice myself .
      I do not know how to love. I do not know the correct way to love others and to love“me”.

    • #14556
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      I can be honest about it when I face my God, my family, or anyone.
      I want to stop my self destructive ways and lifestyle for good but I could not achieve perfection.
      Today I am grateful that it is taking me longer to slip and relapse. And when that happen, I will still feel very sorry, I will still regret and beat myself up, I am after all human but I have learn that I cannot stay down for too long. I tell myself, stop it immediately and don’t do it again. Now get up! I need to continue my recovery. Some unforgiving people call me hopeless, stubborn and stupid, some forgiving one call this resilience but to me, it is all about survival.
      It is a big improvement and I am grateful. Thank you God.

      Life is improving, relationship with people is improving. life is good. It can only get better.

      I wish to age gracefully in recovery.

    • #14557
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      I have been having flash back of that fateful night on 9th April 2016 recently.
      I cannot remember everything, I just knew I did something very sinful and immoral and it feel awful.
      If It doesn’t stop and I continue to have these flash back, am sure it will drive me crazy.

      Alcohol open the door for the rest.

      I talk about breaking the chain and freedom from the bondage of addiction not so long ago and what a wonderful feeling it was.

      Unfortunately I feel like I am trap again and imprison by them now and I need to break free from them again.

      I let the alcohol in and it brings with it all the other evil ones.

      Well at least I can recognize every one of them now

      one is Pornography, one is alcohol, one is slot machine, one is sport betting

      add all the first letter, I have PASS!

    • #14558
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear dairy
      How I make a big escape on 19th May 2016
      My Thought
      I wanted to borrow 2000 dollars and bet most of it on a football match. I was very confident and I don’t think I will lose. I trust myself and listen to me.

      I was basically dealing with 2 main thoughts and feelings
      Firstly, I thought this was an opportunity to win some money, I wanted to win some money, I feel that my chance of winning is very high, I can afford to take this risk. If I lose I just need to tighten my belt and control my spending.
      Secondly I also thought that this may be an opportunity to win some money, but without this winning, I feel that I can still continue to live a normal life, I can sacrifice or give up this winning.
      I can afford not winning any money because it is not going to affect my lifestyle.
      I cannot afford losing any money because I would lose my financial freedom as a result. I will not be able to buy anything, do anything, go anywhere anytime, I will struggle every day.
      Action
      I choose to sacrifice and give up what I like or wanted to do.

      It was a big escape for me, the favorite really lost 0-2 at home. If I had carried out this gamble, I will lose the money big time and it will affect me in 2 big area for many weeks to come
      Firstly It will affect my daily living and I will lose my freedom for 2 month. Secondly I will lose my ability to provide for my family.
      There is hope in recovery, things will improve.
      When my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways and desire dies, I start living. This was what happen to me in the past 2 years.
      It is worth it. Results can be encouraging. One day at a time…practice and more practice!

    • #14559
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      I feel that I am in the grey area now, I don’t like it one bit but I try to look at it positively because it may be an opportunity for me to work on my blind spot in recovery and grow or it may be a sign of danger because I can back slide into darkness.
      My only contact with recovering people and meetings now is online. Gambling Therapy is my lifeline.
      It’s been almost 2 months now, I have stop attending meetings at One Hope Center, Blessed Grace Church and We Care Community Services and the hospital.
      I never like any changes in my life and I immediately met my first setback on 9 April 2016 when I sought relieve from Alcohol. It was bad that this has happen but it may be good because It forces me to return to day one in recovery.
      I was experiencing the teaching below when I suddenly see myself struggling with alcohol, slot machine, sports betting and pornography.
      Mathew 12:43-45
      An Unclean Spirit Returns
      43When an unclean spirit comes out of a man, it passes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. 44Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ On its arrival, it finds the house vacant, swept clean and put in order. 45Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they go in and dwell there; and the final plight of that man is worse than the first.
      My turning point in recovery happen recently about 3 years ago, when I learn the teaching below and started practicing it. I was actually rewiring my brain thru repetitive behaviours by consciously denying my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways thru alcohol, slot machine and sports betting. It was difficult in the beginning but things become easier later. My life really see changes.
      Mathew 16:24
      Take Up Your Cross
      23But Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind Me Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me. For you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.” 24Then Jesus told His disciples, “If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. 25For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.
      My blind spots
      I have more rest now and coping better at work because I am not spending so much time traveling and attending support group meetings on so many days in a week.
      I have more free time to myself, but when I isolate myself in my room for too long, I was prone and have the tendency to make the biggest mistake in recovery in the name of entertainment and killing time. Charles from GT will say that I shouldn’t be teasing my brain, I did that by watching youtube clip on slot machines and pornography online, they are both alike, when I start watching it, I will want more, I ended up spending more time than I should watching them, there are times I cannot stop, there are times I wish I was doing the real thing. I love sports, I was also looking at the gambling odds offered by sports betting online, I will guess and predict the results, there are times I was so confident, more like false confident because many times, the result was wrong in the end but my thoughts sounded so real so deceiving and so convincing, that it feel like a sure win and there was no way I could lose this, I must do it that I was tempted to go ahead to place the bet.
      I am living in the grey area now, it is no good but I am positive about it, my blind spots stood out visibly and strong like a nail, and increase my awareness and mindfulness for I cannot heal something that is not there.
      Of cause I wish to be back in an environment where it is easier and effortless for me to do the right things but then I wouldn’t be able to see my problem.
      The focus this year seem to be a little different from the last 3. I am no more in my comfort zone. I have to be more responsible for my own recovery, my circumstances now forces me to be less reliance on other recovering people, meetings and things.
      When I am ready, I will move to Step Two.
      I am not alone, my Higher Power is with me otherwise I would have a full blown relapse and hit rock bottom.

    • #14560
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      I am so grateful to read a poem on defensiveness from Mack Tomlinson. It does wonder and help me put my thought and feeling into words.

      Till this day, I may suddenly go into a defensive mode, it is like breathing and I do not know why but if I get challenged, corrected, or rebuked; if I feel threaten when my pride get hurt, it is ugly, immaturity in action.

      Denial is the refusal to accept reality, it is considered one of the most primitive of the defence mechanisms because it is characteristic of early childhood development.

      When someone exposes that I could be wrong about something, and touches a nerve in my soul, the feeling can be so real that I felt that the other person have bad intention and is trying to hurt me.

      I will use denial to avoid dealing with these painful feelings or areas in my life.

      for example
      I can be a functioning football punter, I will often deny that I have a gambling problem to myself and others, pointing to how other areas in my life is function well

      It is not affecting my job and relationships at home, I am not in debt because of this. I am not spending too much time and money on it.

      My defensiveness in recovery is an indication of my pride and immaturity.

      When I am defensive, I am far from being like the Lord Jesus right then.
      Jesus was never defensive one time in his life, not even once. And He is calling me to put it off, die to self-daily, and become defenceless, with all my defence being in Him alone.

      May God save me from this wicked and ongoing evil.

      To be continue…I will write about how I lost big sum of money thru football punting many times in the past

    • #14561
      kin
      Sudionik

      Impulsive: a sudden strong urge or desire to act without thinking through.

      Impulse control disorder: the failure to resist an impulsive behavior .

      One that is not premeditated / not consider in advance

      One over which the individual has little or no control, that may be harmful to self and others.

      I am growing older and weaker. I found out from this slip on 9 April 2016 that my self control is growing weaker as I aged. The alcohol help magnified this problem and it was a very scary reality to my discovery.

      If I ever take alcohol again, I will risk doing things that I regret, I cannot control myself anymore and cannot eliminate the chance that I may break the law.

      I am very impulsive after I drink now.

    • #14562
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear dairy

      What was my strong urge like in the past? How strong can it be like?
      How do I know that I am getting better now? How do I know I am heading in the right direction in recovery?

      It was so strong in the past: –
      I will have gambling thoughts before and after payday.
      When I was very desperate I would borrow to get the money to gamble.
      I can become anxious, tense and stress, sometime short temper and angry when I cannot gamble
      I can be so desperate that I will use money that do not belong to me to gamble; I will lie, I will cheat and steal to get money to gamble.
      I will be very worried and stress all the times because I do not have enough money to repay or service my many loans with the banks, legal money lenders and illegal money lenders. It was so bad in the past, I actually had to continue to gamble to try to improve things.
      That big win never come. My life turn from bad to worst.

      What happen?
      It was the same everyday, I tried, I only try to stop gambling for today.
      When I stop gambling, I start to repay and service my loan one by one.

      Where am I now?
      I still have thoughts to gamble sometimes but It doesn’t happen all the times anymore.
      I was able to give my money to my family to provide for their needs now, I actually gave them the same money I use to gamble every month in the past.
      I gave up borrowing to get more money to gamble and I don’t need to lie to gamble
      I do not have to cheat and steal money to gamble
      I have the freedom to use my money in any way I want now; and I don’t need to gamble to improve my life.

      If I go back to a life of heavy gambling, my old destructive lifestyle in the past will take over;
      I will worry and feel stress all the times where is my next meal, money to pay for transport and bills going to come from. I will want to gamble more.

      In the past, I was very worried and stress because I do not have the money to repay or service my many loans, the banks, legal money lenders and illegal money lenders will send their lawyers and debt collectors to pressurize and threaten me to pay up. There was no peace, I was living in constant fear daily. My family don’t feel safe living in their own home because of me.

      My worst day not gambling now is more stable and happier than my best day in gambling.

    • #14563
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      I am going to borrow some things said by the other fellow recovering person in GT to encourage myself. They have spoken the words right out of my heart.

      All you can do is “do the best with the hand you’re dealt.” What you can do is “make the most of what you still have.” What you still have to offer to this world. I’m certain you can “make a positive impact on not only yourself but those around you.” ~theone12221

      There is a glimmer more hope… A little more peace. Something is changing the slightest bit… I notice it…I do have the opportunity now …”To repair.””To rebuild.” To be the person i want to be. I don’t know who that is ….I will find out. “Small progress but progress.” ~Courage

      Where was I
      Everything was not ok and I was not ok.
      What happen
      I keep trying
      Where am I
      Everything was not ok, but I am ok.

      I tried but could not attain perfection or stay total abstinence for almost 11 years . That didn’t stop me, I keep trying. My progress was slow but there is progress.

      Just for today only, by doing this one day at a time, I have chalk up many clean days, add them all up, it must have been years but I did fail on some day in between. I have learn and aware now that I am not a perfect pot, I was a broken pot and a grateful one.

      I used to feel that I was a big failure when I slip or relapse and what has happen was not a part of growth in recovery, everyone was perfect and I am not, I would beat myself up very badly in disappointment, guilt, shame, regrets and self pity. When I lose hope and gave up completely, I actually continue borrowing more money and gamble for days, weeks and months in a straight until I could do no more.

      Today when I slip or relapse, I just simply stop and not continue the self destructive act. No borrowing for more gambling. Regardless of how lousy I feel, I had to dig deep to find the last bit of remaining energy to stay positive and hopeful and continue this journey of recovery.

      Of cause when I backslides, I loses not only money but also precious time, I would have to work doubly hard over a period of time to recover back to a state in recovery where I was last in. I only make it harder for myself, but I have make a mistake, and I have to accept the consequences.

      Freedom from the bondage to addiction, breaking the chain of addiction and slavery to money for an addict like me is not free. It comes with a price and sacrifice unless that person is not an addict. I have to earn it.

      I heard this in meetings, recovery is like climbing up a moving escalator, when I stop climbing, it will bring me down. I need to continue climbing….

      The progress and change I saw in my life gave me hope and strengthen my faith and believe in this journey of recovery.

      blessings

      Kin

    • #14564
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      After going total abstinence for more than 6 months last year, I finally have the chance to experience the best time of my recovery journey and what it feels like to be clean.
      However, I am afraid that I have also taken just about the same time to return to the same problem but on a more profound level.

      The Spirit intends to investigate and examine my recovery, layer by layer, throwing out the junk and preserving the values that were appropriate to each stage of our recovery.

      I now realized that spiritual journey is not a success story or a career move.
      It was a series of humiliations influencing me to change and put to death my will and my ways.
      After I earn my freedom, I soon found out and learn that I can never use my freedom like a ordinary normal person.
      All I did was feed my desires and urge like a normal person. I gamble a few times, I abuse alcohol once, fed my flesh a few times, overeat countless times since August last year.
      I realized each time I feed my urge, it actually get stronger the next time, it doesn’t have to be gambling, it can be any desires or urge. Now the urge I get are very strong and I have become very impulsive. I am acting out even when my mind say no or I am already acting out before I could think. As a result, I am so ashamed and disgusted with my corrupted, immoral and irresponsible behaviors. I became a terrible person.
      This behavior has to go if I do not want more problem in my life in future.
      I don’t want to pretend that I do not know what to do. There is no other way for me. I need to go total abstinence before things get serious and I am out of control. Abstinence from what ?
      For me it has to be gambling, pornography, alcohol, overeating, workaholics and others.
      I don’t need to make a lifetime promise I cannot keep. My short term plan is 180 days beginning from tomorrow.
      Change is difficult but it is my choice, I am prepared for the unbearable and suffering days ahead. I will not give up my clean days until I reach 180.
      From last year experience, 180 days of clean days can do me great wonder. Help me God!

      Question to consider
      What false self are you struggling with that Christ wants you to die to so that you can truly live?

    • #14565
      kin
      Sudionik

      Matthew 26:41
      “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

      Dear diary
      Early days in recovery was always the trickiest. I could have fail on the very first day.
      Yesterday I plan to go total abstinence today yet I still went ahead to place a bet for a game that start at 8 am.
      I was at the door step but the betting house was not open for business at this time and that stop me.

      The experience today shows that my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak.
      I felt that recently my self-will was again chain to the bondage of addiction, I am like its slave, it is running my life. I want to but have not surrender and let go totally yet, my self- will is still in control.
      I am weak and vulnerable to all kind of temptations. I need to change my direction and rebuild because when my self-will is in control, my life goes out of control.

    • #14566
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      Since Nov 2015, I have bad experience thinking I could manage my temptations.
      When I was in a casino, I feel that I will be able to limit how much I spend on gambling and not continue using the money I reserve for saving.
      When I was taking alcohol, I feel that I will be able to stop once I am high.
      Both results are the same despite the confidence I had. X4 casino, x1 alcohol.
      The temptation is just too great for me.

      No point wasting time and energy to attempt control gambling and drinking, there is just too much disappointments, regrets and pain in any slip or relapse, they are all costly mistakes.
      I need to get back up to focus on doing the right thing if that is the last thing I have to do.
      I am speaking from my personal experience, it was my first time experiencing a life free from my addiction last year.
      I regain the freedom to stop gamble and drink when I want but I made a grave mistake, I use this freedom to drink and gamble when I want. Now I have lost this freedom again. I could no longer say I can stop if I want.
      I made progress and back slide badly in recovery. This is a different type of rock bottom.
      It is a lesson learn in 2016.
      Now I have to work hard again.

    • #14567
      lizbeth4
      Sudionik

      Hi Kin, It is hard to manage temptations. You are posting here which is very therapeutic. You can regain your focus and continue on your path. I know you can do it! Take care.

    • #14568
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      It is a real sad story to read and write because like most experience recovering addict in early recovery. I have done this so many times. I should know the consequences, this is not suppose to happen.

      I am too familiar with the danger of gambling. It may result in winning and losing in the beginning but it always end up with losing in the end. I am all too familiar with the consequences.

      The desperation to borrow to gamble, the lying involve in borrowing.

      The failure to return the money I had borrowed when I have the money on payday, instead I used my salary to gamble more, breaking all the promises I have made.

      This is where I harm and strike fear in the heart of all the family members who help me. They trusted me and were hurt when they found out that they have been cheated. They have become my victim one more time, nobody can imagine the disappointment and helplessness that I put them in.

      When they become suspicious that they have been cheated one more time and question me, I will become defensive and nasty, this will lead to more hurt to them.

      It was amazing how accurate and true the poem below describe me.

      Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

      Chapter 1

      I walk down the street,
      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
      I fall in. I am lost.I am hopeless,
      It takes forever to find a way out.

      Chapter 2

      I walk down the same street ,
      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
      I pretend I dun see it,
      I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place.
      But I believe it isn’t my fault.
      It still takes a long time to get out.

      Chapter 3

      I walk down the same street,
      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
      I see it is there.I still fall in.It‘s a habit
      I know where I am. It is my fault
      I get out immediately

      Chapter 4

      I walk down the same street ,
      There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
      I walk around it

      Chapter 5

      I walk down another street.

      Where am I ?
      It revealed that I am in Chapter 3.
      I knew the consequences of gambling, and its risk but I feel that I was much better than that. I feel that I knew this enemy so well, I will not be hurt by it, this will not happen to me.
      Many times I was not burn in the beginning but I always get roasted in the end, the goodness never last.
      The mistake and its consequences is very costly.
      The last time this happen dated 7th June 2016, I won enough from a football match to repay SGD$1,800 I borrow and provide SGD$1,500 to my family, I had the means to repair the situation if I stop gambling. Instead of stopping immediately and return to do recovery, I choose to visit a casino in a neighbouring country.
      I didn’t want to record it down in my journal initially because it made me look very bad, it obviously look like I am looking for an valid excuse to fail but I am going to write it down anyway for my future reference.
      I had a quarrel with mum regarding my financial situation. She was suspicious and caught me unprepared with her interrogations.
      Isn’t it a convenient and perfect reason for me to justify and rationalised that it was ok to take a break. I had planned to visit the casino in the head, This incident just added fuel to the fire, I left for the neighbouring country immediately.
      I never thought it can happen to me but I lost everything.
      When I was at the casino, I lost in the beginning and won everything back plus a little winning later but I didn’t stop and continue to gamble until I lost everything.
      I am too familiar with this ending and had experience it many times, I knew where I am, it is my fault, I need to get out immediately.
      I have met many new friends online with the same problem with staying stop from gambling, many times I want to encourage them but cannot find the right words, I find the answer in this poem in chapter 2, they fall in again. they cannot believe they are in the same place. (whether they believe it is or isn’t their fault.) It still takes a long time to get out.

      I just hope they get out immediately.

      I was not a successful recovering person, I am not a psychologist or counsellor, I am just another recovering person like anyone anywhere in the world with the same problem..
      Regardless of how long one is in recovery or how many years they have been clean, once they have a full blown relapse, it is going to be an uphill battle like any new recovering person.
      This year bad experiences has made me understand and appreciate what I did last year. I have failed many times this year trying to accumulate 180 straight clean days, I can failed for so many reasons and had to start from day one again.
      I will keep trying until I make it. Last year struggle and positive experience gave me hope.
      It was easy for any normal ordinary person to accumulate clean days, but for an addict, it gets trickier and challenging because of our weakness, it takes more effort and strength to do the same thing.

      Reality and truth for me is humiliating shocking and shameful. I got knock down inside the boxing ring again. There is no one to blame, I made the choice and decision to walk inside the ring.

      I am back to day One.

    • #14569
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary,
      After all that I have gone thru, I never thought I will be indebt again.
      It looks like I am in a constant battle to reverse my natural instinctive thought.
      Help me God!
      I need to be quick in doing the right thing and slow to act out the wrong things.

      Is this such a complicated maths?
      I had SGD$3,300, and two big items to settle, an SGD$1800 and SGD$1500.
      If I settled the big item first, I am left with nothing to survive for the month.
      I need SGD$300 for my living expenses.

      I thought about the right thing; settle full payment for one and partial payment for one but I was slow to act instead I was quick to choose the wrong choice; try the casino.
      I forget this survival rule.
      If I had a problem, I don’t create another bigger problem.
      It is unbelievable, my problems are all self –inflicted.

      I do not have access to surplus money now but 3 days before payday, I was feeling lousy and wanted to self medicate with gambling, I borrow SGD$1800. I thought if I lost all the money, I can repay it when I get my pay. I lost everything.
      Payday arrive I didn’t use the money I had to do the right thing in making full payment for this debt and other commitments. To make matter worst, I threw everything away in gambling.

      Now I am stuck with one new debt of SGD$1800 and a few broken promises.
      I don’t need to gamble or take alcohol, life has return to normal for me and my small pay is enough to pay all the bills and settle my commitments but I abuse my freedom.

      I make all the wrong choices, I allow gambling and alcohol to rob me of everything.

      2016 is a big lesson for a recovering person like me, I receive my freedom and I learn how to lose it.

    • #14570
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      A gambling recovering person like me who return to gambling.
      My story is predictable. The ending is always the same. If it had not happen yet, the answer to this question is not now but when.

      Many times it didn’t happen immediately for me, it took a while.

      The earlier I realized my mistake and turn back, the smaller the damage but if I continue in this self destructive acts, no one know how much more serious, deeper and more debts I will incur.

    • #14571
      theone12221
      Sudionik

      Hey kin, glad you found inspiration in my quote earlier. Never forget your value to this world and don’t let gambling be the answer to any stresses you face in life. I had to learn this the hard way as well. The addiction is your self-destructive side wanting to make a negative situation in your life 10x worse. It’s the escape mentality, not wanting to face reality. You can do it kin. You know this addiction well and you know what triggers you.

    • #14572
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      One cannot imagine the extent of the devastation and damage cause by gambling, it affect a person far beyond finance.

      The lying and broken promises, it hurt and affect a person credibility and trust, it damage relationship with family, friends and lover.

      Suddenly not being able to provide for the family, not having enough for living expenses and paying bills, worst still getting into unmanageable debts leaves me in deep regret and despair.

      When I was pre occupied with gambling, I lost interest in almost everything else. Gambling take up so much time, it affect my time at home and work.

      It definitely affects my mental health, I lost the peace and calm in my life in exchange for uncertainties, unpredictability, anxieties, disturbance and stress in gambling.

      I am a less happy person.

      I feel that the price to pay for any single relapse is so costly.

      The misfortune far out weight all the other winnings add up together.

      I felt that the pain and suffering brought about by gambling far out weight the benefits of gambling.

      It is not worth it and not attractive anymore.

      The best way to avoid getting punch is not defense or attack, hit and run but to never ever step inside the ring.

      It was useless for me to think of new strategy, ways and system to win at gamble. No one can escape getting hit inside the ring even if you win the match. I cannot take the beatings.

      When I was hit, I was shock and confuse but when things clear up, it was very clear that it was I who made the choice to step inside the ring.

      If I do not want more problem in future, I should not step inside the ring or gamble.

    • #14573
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear dairy
      I wonder why I didn’t turn back earlier.
      I realized that if I had a reserve, any losses will not affect me so badly to see a need to want to change. I could not feel the great inconvenience caused by the gambling loss.
      Plus my stubborn determination and winning mentality is very uncomfortable and dislike the feeling of losing and would like to try to win back some loses.

      It is a blessing and important for me to have barriers in recovery.
      When I do not have any excess money;
      It is easy to wipe out everything I had.
      When that happens, I would not have money left over for my living expenses, paying my bills, providing for my family etc.
      I will experience great inconveniences. The thorn in my flesh will be a constant reminder to me for many days not to gamble.
      This is so important, firstly the reserve or saving is protected from uncontrollable gambling loss, secondly, I hit rock bottom and feel the pain earlier plus learn my lesson sooner before it is too late.

      Never thought a thorn in the flesh can be a savior

    • #14574
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      My biggest regret was not stopping the leak earlier.
      I thought I was just spending my excess money and it was harmless.
      Isn’t this what every normal person do?
      One win or loss only today, one drink only today. $100 soon become $500, $1000, $5000. I could have save $10,000 or provided my family another $10,000.
      This was how a small leak lead to a big damage..
      This is the lesson I learn after I got better; I don’t think I can ever use my freedom like any normal person in early recovery; I appreciate the thorn in the flesh better now.
      1. limiting my access to excess money.
      2. not stepping inside the ring regardless how unbearable is the urge and how unhappy it made me.
      3.accepting that temptations is everywhere, having desires, cravings and urges is normal.
      Denying my urge and craving one at a time, it will progressively weaken over time.
      4. There will be triggers that is going to make maintenance in recovery tougher, repeat 2 and 3.
      Big trigger can come in many form, stress from illness, work, mum, bills, the hot weather and even recovery places and groups.

    • #14575
      kin
      Sudionik

      Thought
      It was a beginning.

      Feeling
      It is really very simple (not easy)

      Action
      Regardless of how uncomfortable and unbearable is the craving & urge and how unhappy the trigger make me feel, don’t place the first bet.

      In the past, just because it was not easy to succeed, I thought it was difficult but it was actually very simple…just that no one say it is easy.

    • #14576
      vera
      Sudionik

      “Postpone the next bet” was the first bit of advice I got on GT when I joined in 2008 (from Lee).
      If every CG did that, it would be the answer to our problems and it would prevent a lot of misery.
      I’m so sorry to hear you had the relapse, Kin. I know you will get back on track fast.
      You have a lot of experience with gambling. And even more with Recovery.
      Use the skills/tools that you have learned over the years. They work!

    • #14577
      kin
      Sudionik

      I do not set aside the Grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing! ~ Galatians 2:20

      Dear diary
      The recent experience tells me that my life has change for the worst, I was puzzle, why didn’t I felt the same freedom and peace to do the same thing I was able to do last year which I desire now.
      What has happen? I thought I was doing the right thing; stay total abstinence; providing for the family, I thought I was doing the same thing yet I felt different and insecure plus feeling that what little or more I had was not enough.
      I must have done something differently and things change.
      Frankly I stop reflecting regularly on what God have done for me and provide me is sufficient. I didn’t reflect and focus on God’s promise. I had the money, happiness and peace now. I started to focus on me and my wants. I started to make plan for myself and I want more, I took control of my life back, I stop consciously handing over my will and life completely to God during this time.
      It is frustrating, whenever I take control of my life, I always lose control of it and start to have self inflicted troubles.
      It was really a soul searching period lately.
      It suddenly daunt on me that my recovery was not all about what others or myself felt was the right thing. It was more than that. It has to be given. I need God’s grace.
      Nothing was new.
      All the things that has happen to me in the last 11 months, all the answer to everything that has happen was written in the letter a few thousand years ago by Apostle Paul in the book of Galatians. How I got my freedom and lose my freedom back.
      It even talk about people who tried to force their law and righteousness on me. I didn’t get well because of their law and righteousness and they want to force me to do the same when I was well. I left the Christian recovery support groups in the end.
      Galatians 5:1
      It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
      Galatians 5:2
      Mark my words! I, Paul, tell you that if you let yourselves be circumcised, Christ will be of no value to you at all.
      Galatians 5:2
      You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace.
      The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
      Galatians 3: 3
      Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the spirit, are you trying to finish by means of the flesh?

      The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like.
      This is a sure way to lose my freedom.

      For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

    • #14578
      kin
      Sudionik

      In nature, rewards usually come only with time and effort.
      Gambling provide a shortcut, flooding the brain with dopamine and other neurotransmitters.
      Our brains do not have an easy way to withstand the onslaught. Gambling can release two to 10 times the amount of dopamine that natural rewards do, and they do it more quickly and more reliably.
      In a person who becomes addicted, brain receptors become overwhelmed.
      The brain responds by producing less dopamine or eliminating dopamine receptors—an adaptation similar to turning the volume down on a loudspeaker when noise becomes too loud.
      As a result of these adaptations, dopamine has less impact on the brain’s reward center.
      Over time, the brain adapts in a way that actually makes gambling less pleasurable. They have to gamble more to obtain the same dopamine “high” because their brains have adapted—an effect known as tolerance.
      The worst thing that ever happen to me was winning some money, I ended up spending more money trying to replicate the feeling.

    • #14579
      kin
      Sudionik

      The reward circuit in the brain includes areas involved with motivation and memory as well as with pleasure.
      The pleasure associated with gambling may subsides but the memory of the desired effect and the need to recreate it (the wanting) still persists.
      The hippocampus lays down memories of this rapid sense of satisfaction, and the amygdala creates a “conditioned response” to certain stimuli.
      Gambling stimulate the same circuit.

      The hippocampus and the amygdala store memory associated with gambling, so that it can be located again.
      These memories help create a conditioned response—intense craving—whenever the person encounters those environmental cues.
      Cravings contribute not only to addiction but to relapse after a hard-won sobriety.
      A gambler may be in danger of relapse when the condition is right.
      Conditioned learning helps explain why people who develop an addiction risk relapse even after years of abstinence.
      Gambling causes nerve cells in the nucleus accumbens and the prefrontal cortex (the area of the brain involved in planning and executing tasks) to communicate …in a way that couples desires – “liking something with wanting it”, in turn “driving us to go after it”.
      This process motivates us to take action to seek out the source of pleasure.

    • #14580
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear Lizbeth4
      I read your post. You shared.
      “I am learning to deal with my problems in a more effective way.
      I now understand that I can’t control what anyone else does,
      I can only control how I react
      & I am in control of my behaviors.
      It is a hard “life lesson”
      but now, I am more at peace than ever before. ”
      It couldn’t have been said better from a recovering person living with a husband who is a alcoholic and two daughter who are drug addicts.
      Your story really put me to shame. You are a good role model to me. Thank you for sharing your recovery with us

    • #14581
      kin
      Sudionik

      What have happen to me?
      I bring myself and everyone down.
      One day everyone will go away, if you don’t, I will bring you down.

      Hurt sang by Johnny Cash, was one of my favorite recently, his voice, the lyric, touch me.

    • #14582
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      I really don’t know why it have to be like that for me.

      I had to go through all the pain of gambling and recovery to be able to bring comfort to another suffering recovering person.

      I only need to tell them all the mistakes I have made and more importantly what works for me.

      Help me God!

    • #14583
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary

      I was experiencing a new struggle I never had in the last 11 months, I was slowly losing not only my focus and also my motivation in recovery. It was a painful period, things was just not happening the way I would have like it during these time.

      What had happen 2 days ago may change everything, it has given me a new hope, a new reason, a new energy, a drive and a new push to improve on what I have already done. Progress was painfully slow but that was the only way I know to made amend.

      They are one of the most honest and trusting people I met. They are always on my mind, they don’t deserve to be my victim, nobody does but my list to made amend is too long and the sum is way beyond my means.

      I have not met them for more than 15 years. They cannot recognize me, I have grown old, fat and bald. My dressing is sloppy and not sharp, I was not the same person they knew. I could have walk away but I did not.

      I knew I can do something for them now as a result of my recovery, I didn’t want them to end up as my victim till their last days. It was one of my biggest regrets in life.

      I have thought about it many times, I thought that I may not be able to made amend to them in this life time.

      I do not have the means now but I still walk up to them and ask them whether they are the couple I know. I was not very sure myself, look can change over the years.

      I was correct, they are the nice couple I knew, I ask the husband how old is he now, he told me he was 68 years old.

      I do not have the immediate means but I thank God for giving me the opportunity to do something for this man, it may take me 10 months or more.

      This is a 68 years old man, how long can he wait for me until I have the means, to them, it was a forgotten bad experience and they must have given up hope. For me it is either now or never to made amend to this man.

      My mum is 86 years old. I am 50 years old and unhealthy, time is not on my side but I sometimes forgets and thought that I have a whole lifetime to made amend later and continue to hurt them intentionally or unintentionally.

      Thank you God!

      Thank you for sending this couple to me to save my recovery.

    • #14584
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      I chatted with a “ I don’t believe” person today and thanks to this person, she make me realize my big problem and blind spot.
      I realized that my recovery leads me to a control gambling and not a gambling free future.
      For years, I tried and I tried again to do control gambling.
      I don’t believe “I cannot walk away after I have gamble”
      I don’t believe” I cannot walk away from placing my first gamble”
      I have tried and cannot walk away “all the times” after I have gamble, this is very hard for me to do .
      It is easier to walk away before placing the first bet.
      The focus in my recovery should be on “not gambling” / not placing the first bet and not about “control gambling ” / continue gambling.
      One brings a lot of tears and destruction while another one gives a lot of hope and confident in recovery. It is a choice which way we chooses.

      Recovery can be a painfully slow process
      Baby steps forward is a sure way
      Walking away from the first bet leads to long term abstinence from gambling one day at a time.

    • #14585
      vera
      Sudionik

      Kin, As soon as we accept the fact that “CGs never win” we will realize there is no point in playing
      We only become “powerless over gambling” when we place the first bet.
      Quashing the initial thought means it will never lead to action. Nobody ever drugged me and carried me blindfolded to the casino. I always drove there in my sane senses. (Mind you, I never left a casino in a similar manner-I was usually the last customer to be ejected well after closing time . Either that, or I stumbled out the door broke and dejected).

      Is that the Life Our Father planned for us, Kin?
      I think not!

    • #14586
      kin
      Sudionik

      Hi Vera

      Thank you for the message.

      Message well received!

      1.Compulsive Gamblers never win.
      2.Quashing the initial thought means it will never lead to action.
      3.We only become “powerless over gambling” when we place the first bet.

    • #14587
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear dairy
      I Thought…
      If I can walk away from picking up my first drink or first gamble.
      I Thought…
      If I can walk away after my first drink or gamble and stop drinking or gambling for a period of time.
      I Thought…
      maybe I could stop or walk away after I had a few drinks or few gambles.
      maybe I can do control drinking or control gambling.

      Sadly, a compulsive gambler or alcoholic can never drink or gamble like a normal person.

      Thank you Vera, I needed this very much.

      Yes, I only became powerless and lose control when I gamble and drink.
      My life only start falling apart after I drank or gamble. If it did not happen all the times, then it happen most of the times.

      I had enough, there is no need to prove anything to myself anymore. I had enough! After so many attempts and so many years of trying control gambling, I had enough.

      I am a normal person when I didn’t gamble or drink.

      I was really very surprise that I was not normal anymore after the gambling and alcohol. My life really start falling apart after that.

      The risk is too great, the price is too heavy, one bad day and all hell can break loose.

      I was such a stubborn person and didn’t believe that it can happen to me, but I shall be positive with all these setbacks.
      I may take a long time to realize this and change but I will made full use of my remaining time to do whatever good I can. Not much time left…

    • #14588
      kin
      Sudionik

      Dear diary
      I am not in control.
      17th June@ I was feeling tired and stress easily and what happen next was totally unexpected.
      21st June@ notice rashes on my chest, by today dated 29th June 2016, it has spread all over most of my body.
      I was concern that it may be contagious, I never know what it was, it can be scabies, it can be a sexually transmitted disease, or it could be some viral infection. It can spread to my family. I saw a doctor on the 24th June and was referred to see a specialist yesterday. The specialist surprised me by informing me that this was a viral infection which is self -limiting. It looks severe but it will go away without any oral medication. I was relief that it will not spread to my family.
      I care less about what happen to me but I was worried for my family. If I am not worried that it could be contagious, I would not have seen the doctor.
      I have other more serious condition and I am 50. This is the reality.
      I don’t wish to walk around the deep hole in the same street
      I would like to walk down a different street

    • #14589
      vera
      Sudionik

      A rash is like gambling , Kin.
      Even if it only seems to affect the person with the rash , it can also have a knock on effect because it causes worry to the family. Same as your “more serious” condition. Did you attend a doctor to have that checked out yet?
      CGs think we deserve these “punishments” but we also have a duty to look after ourselves.
      I need also to remind myself of this often.

    • #14590
      kin
      Sudionik

      Checklist Of Symptoms Leading To Relapse
      1) EXHAUSTION
      Allowing yourself to become overly tired or in poor health.Some compulsive gamblers are also prone to work addictions; perhaps they are in a hurry to pay off debts.Good health, good nutrition and enough rest are important. If you feel good, you are more apt to think well. Feel poorly and your thinking is apt to deteriorate.Feel bad enough and you might begin thinking gambling couldn’t make it any worst.
      2) DISHONESTY
      This begins with a pattern of unnecessary little lies and deceits with fellow workers, friends and family. Then come important lies to yourself. This is called rationalizing; making excuses for not doing what you do not want to do, or for doing what you know is wrong.
      3) IMPATIENCE
      Things are not happening fast enough, or others are not doing what they should or what you want them to do.
      4) ARGUMENTATIVENESS
      Arguing small and ridiculous points of view, indicates a need to always be right. “Why don’t you be reasonable and agree with me?” Looking for an excuse to gamble?
      5) DEPRESSION
      Unreasonable and unaccountable despair may occur in cycles and should be dealt with, talked about.
      6) FRUSTRATION
      At people and also because things may not be going your way. Remember, everything is not going to be just the way you want it to be.
      7) SELF-PITY ”
      Why do these things happen to me?” “Why must I have a gambling problem?” “Nobody appreciates what I am doing.” You cannot afford the indulgence of self-pity or resentment.
      8) COCKINESS
      Got it made; no longer fear relapse. Going into a slippery situation to prove you have no problem. Do this often enough and it will