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On the face of it I’ve not had a bad day; banter with my colleagues, productive with work and even got a little early finish for the day.

But behind the eyes I have been pretty numb. I’m getting so tired of the constant self-loathing, from the second I wake in the morning i am cursing myself and hating my actions. It’s like the rational part of my brain has taken a step away from my body and is now looking down on the mess, pointing and grimacing.

Tomorrow for me is payday. This would be scaring me senseless were it not for the fact that I have barriers in place that make it close to impossible for me to gamble. It’s so odd, I can’t remember the last time I got paid and didn’t log on to play slots the very same day… It’s kind of like a relief though. At least I know I’ll have money to last the month, not a lot but it’s better than nothing at all. My boyfriend and I are going for a curry with another couple on Saturday night, it wil be nice to not have to make excuses for noting going… I don’t feel well, I’m seeing a family member that night… I need to look after my mum she’s sick…

Actually speaking of money (or lack of) I have put together a repayment spreadsheet for the next few months to try and stick to. I’d like to get out of my overdraft first whilst still keeping up payments on loans and credit cards (minimum payments usually!!) I have calculated that it will take about 5-6 months before I won’t need my overdraft and can cancel it – do any of you know if my bank can cancel my overdraft if they see that I am knee deep into it every month??

Anyways, I hope you are all having a good day so far and are continuing to stay strong. Thinking of you all whilst on this crazy journey of discovery x