Dear diary
About My Distorted thinking / Irrational Thoughts
It goes back to my old familiar, predictable and irresponsible ways to handle financial problems.
It was an old habit, I have done it many times over and over again for many years, sometimes turn to many times I have succeeded in winning my gamble and the additional money solve my problem, it prove that what I did was right, every time I have no peace and stress over finance matters, I do this, does it matter that the way I do it was wrong.
This is a quick fix and an escape for me / running away from the long and painful slow months and years of repaying to cleared my debt. It felt like a long imprisonment sentence (cannot wait to get out of this prison immediately) because I lost the freedom to use my money, I feel like a slave, I ended up working for money just to repay my debt and nothing else, life become very meaningless.
The truth of the matter was that I done this over and over again many times, after many years, I realized that I lost more money than all the wins add up altogether.
On most times, it actually worsen the situation and deepen the holes. I have learnt thru these painful experiences and realize that I was not contented with the money I had during these times. I feel that it is not enough and I want more. I fail to realize the little money I had is better than being broke. I failed to be grateful for being able to pay some bills and not for all the bills. In the end, I lost all the money I had trying to win some more and throw every thing I had away. I complicated my problem and make it harder for myself, I created a new problem on top of the original one. Now I lost all the money that are supposed to cover the necessities for the month.
Self-deception
To break free from this problem, the old ways have to go! I cannot forget the old habitual thoughts but I can don’t follow my thought and practice new thoughts and new ways.
Stinking Thinking
The thoughts , the temptation and urge to use old familiar way to solve my financial problem through gambling was all a lie, it was a con job by my mind, it is very deceiving and convincing, it can tell me a thousand and one reasons why it is alright to go ahead to gamble and that I gamble out of love, the winnings can be used to treat my love one better and that I gamble out of responsibility, the winnings can be used to pay for the bills or service the debt. Crossing the road have risk, marriage have risk, many things i do every day have risk , just like gambling, why not gamble. It is not ok to do it. Stop listening to these lies and stinking thinking.
The truth of the matter, if I don’t gamble, the limited money I had is enough to pay for the necessities. The bigger debt or loan can be overcome by setting aside a smaller amount over a longer period.
When I feel that life is tough, please please please don’t panic or get frustrated , I only need to wait, I don’t need to gamble, I don’t need to do anything.
The ability to be patient and be still, the ability to find peace and calm in the middle of a financial storm, requires depth in strength and a lot of practice. Our frustration and discontentment can turn into anger and impatient, it can lead us to become impulsive and get into more toubles.
Wait
The truth of the matter was I find it very tough and hard, to restrict myself, I cannot do this, I cannot do that in recovery, cannot borrow, cannot gamble, cannot spend more than my allowance every day. I am so fed up that I want to give up this strict, discipline and regimental life temporary before all the bills and debts are cleared. I can feel the pressure and stress sometime in early days.
The wisdom behind all these practices was not to restrict us but to free us to love again.
If I am contented with the limited money, no shoes to wear is better than having no feet. If I have faith and trust that it will be enough to pay for most of the necessities, most of the needs will be met every month, slowly I gain confident, I start to learn how to find peace and calm in my life even though it was not a perfect month.
If there are not enough money to pay for the lesser priority bills, postpone it to the next month, it will still be settled. If it is a top priority bill and I do not have enough, break it into many payments. If I do not have the money to buy or pay for something now, I can do it 3 years later, it make living life so much more manageable.
I learn acceptance, my responsibility is to do my best, sometime my best is not enough, life is not perfect, man is not perfect and there is no reason to allow this imperfection to rob us of our peace.
There will be times when I can have money to give my love one a treat but it may require me to sacrifice or give up something I like. I learn to consciously stop feeding my own desires and self-will, I learn to give up selfish, self-centered, self- seeking spending. I learn to tighten my wallet, I really have to work very hard compare to others I know to have some money to love my family.
This lesson taught me how to love. In the past, I love and give out of surplus, now I learn to give my all.
Everything happen for a reason.
Wait and it will be reveal to us in time.
Have faith. Trust.
I like to borrow a line from the anonymous group, in the promises, it says if we are painstaking about this phrase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through…