[finding_laura]

I’ve been thinking of starting a new thread for a long time. I think it is good to let go of the past. Just not forget the lessons it taught me. I am a compulsive gambler in recovery and it’s been ongoing for nearly 4 years now. At the root of my addiction was an unhappiness with myself. But I’m not a helpless victim, I can make choices and changes for myself. Change takes courage. Something I still lack in some areas of my life I fear. But I will make every effort to be happy today and keep working on me. Because I’m worth it. Have a good gamble free day everyone!!

[cat438]

Thanks for posting Laura and it is interesting how we read something and it just hits us. I have been working on changing myself over the last two years and I am continuing to work at it. I have learned so much about myself in the two years. I can’t change others I can only change myself. I have been working on setting boundaries that are acceptable to me and not feeling guilty. It is hard to make these changes and that is what recovery is all about… change change change!!! And of course putting barriers in place to stop us gambling. I don’t know if I am expressing what I am trying to say.

[p]

Hi Laura

I was really happy to see you back and posting with a new thread, i have missed seeing you. Glad things are going so well for you, I am just learning to live in reality. Its still fairly early days since my last relapse but i am in a different place than i ever have been before. You are here after all these years and havent relapsed, i think that is incredible. I love that you are continuing your journey here and embracing the new

P

[p]

Hi Laura i do like how you talk of change at the beginning of your new thread. Thanks for being brave and letting go of the old one and embracing the new. Sometimes change is not welcomed but necessary. I know the change in you because i saw you transform on this forum over the years, i have too but just took me a lot more years to find the place of acceptance. Hope you had a really good day today and that you keep posting here so we know how you are doing

P

[Névtelen]

Have a great day Laura………………..stay positive !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kathryn]

Hiya Laura,
Your ongoing support and friendship is a blessing in my life. I want you to know how special you are to me, we have walked this road together and I am so so happy to have you in my life. The day will come when we can sit and have coffee together on your porch and talk and talk!!!!! Thank you for being there for me xxxxxxx

[finding_laura]

Thank you all for the posts. I’ve been trying to stay really positive but had a dark week last week. My trigger always seems to be relationship issues or not being happy with myself (that can always be for many different reasons). Last week I was having a lot of urges or longings I’ll say. To just release everything seemed like a good thing to do. Thankfully it would take a lot of effort for me to gamble and I never made the effort it would take. I keep dreaming of slipping away for a day with a fist full of cash. It would never come to a good end. I KNOW this from past experience. Funny how I have such an idea that gambling is fun when it nearly destroyed my life and me. So I’m off to work today, where I am kept out of trouble for another day.

Kathryn, I so look forward to that day 🙂 It would be amazing! Would love to have you here!

Now for a coffee refill and a few minutes of reading before i finish getting ready for work.

take care everyone, have a great gamble free day,
Laura

[p]

Hi Laura thank you for your post to me. You always come find me. I am glad to see you back now. On with the new forum now so hope to catch you around again soon sometime for a chat. Ive missed our chats.
I am so pleased to read that you get urges but never act on them. You have stayed strong all these years and it is amazing and encouraging to see. Good to see you have that awareness still. The thought of going with a handful of cash for a day wouldnt be a reality. Go once and the desire to go again just follows. I know what you mean about you think gambling was fun yet it nearly destroyed your life. Its strange isnt it. Though last time i gambled on my last relapse that lasted a few months there was no fun in it, only pain, because i couldnt stop but wanted to. Recovery is so much nicer and so much nicer again with people like you in it. You are always so caring about everyone Laura, just know we care about you too.

P

[bettie]

I see you posted so I hope you read this.
I will be camping overnight tonight and won’t be around in the morning tomorrow.
Trying to get myself together this norning-lots to do before I leave for work.
Take care!
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hey B, got your message, sorry I’ve been incommunicado! Just being forgetful. Hope you have a great time camping. Do you have company too? Have fun!

[sunny123]

lovely thread laura. wish i had come here before.. glad that you managed to avoid any slip.. i had the same urge as you.. but unfortunately it took me this time.. hope you continue on the right track and keep guiding others as well

[p]

Hi Laura

I hope that your dog is ok, you posted to me you are taking it to the vet. Hope its ok. I know animals are very close to our hearts.
They are family.
Thanks for your posts have really enjoyed waking up to them.
Keep staying away from those machines, believe me its no fun if you return, its worse, every time is worse, whatever happened when you last gambled you will experience twice as much pain as where you left off. Your life has just propelled forward Laura, so proud of you. I will hopefully see you for chat soon.

P

[Névtelen]

It is always so lovely to hear from you. I’m glad to hear that you’re managing to keep things stable in recovery. I’m sorry to hear of the urges, but I think they’re usually more prevalent when we have turmoil in our lives.

On my side, what can I say? I’m about ready to give up. The only good thing is that slips usually consist of a day, maybe two then I’m back on the wagon. Maybe that’s my lot in life, I don’t know. All I can do is keep moving forward.

Hope your Thanksgiving weekend is lovely.

Love, RG

[finding_laura]

to say I’m doing ok. Looks like my mood may not have changed though. Thinking a trip to my doctor to up my anti depressant may be in order. I have an important project to finish up at work over the next two to three weeks. If I’m not feeling any better by then I’m going to ask for some time off of work. I just feel worn out and overloaded. Dumping my doom and gloom here because I need some place to vent. And some place where I can say this is causing urges. I need a couple of meetings in a row I think. Time to get back to the program. Hope you all are having a much better week than I. Although I will say so far it’s been gamble free. take care all,
Laura

[icandothis]

Hi Laura, Thinking of you and praying you stay gamble free. Many of us know only too well that a gamble spree cannot cure or even lessen our depression. For me, gambling and depression go hand in hand. Hang in there! Things always eventually improve, but gambling always makes things worse than they are. Thank you for sharing.

[vera]

The mention of „slipping away for the day with a fistful of cash” is an illusion Laura!
Think of slipping home at 3 in the morning with a fistful of cents, a splitting headache, a knot in the gut and the place spinning from overexposure to flashing lights and bells and casino smells!
The very thought at this very moment makes me feel ill.
The fact that I was „in action” recently, keeps the memory vivid enough to repel me from going again. Today!
Taking time off work as a release seems far more sensible.
I’ve been on sick leave for the last few weeks. The best thing I ever did! I can be objective now about the increased workload we’ve been landed with. The decrease in pay. The constant staff shortage. The long hours and in my case 80% of what I earn goes on debt repayment. This is no longer what I want to do! Its tantamount to slavery.
During this period of „detachment”, I have come to the conclusion that I’m passsed my sell by date, so I’ve decided to go for cost neutral early retirement.
The stress that this brings has taken it’s toll. It would be easier to slog on to the detriment of my health but I have made the decision now to let go!
How will I pay my debt?
How will I get on with hubby?
How will I fill my days?
I have no answers to these questions yet, but I do know I’m doing the right thing. I feel it in my bones.
So Laura, put your health first. Work is secondary to your well being.
Have a chat with your doctor and follow your heart.
One day at a time!

[desdemona]

Dear (((Laura)))! I was reading some of your posts and you wrote that your urges to gamble come from relationship issues and not being happy with yourself. That’s exactly how I feel. I was looking for something to make me feel better about myself, and gambling filled that need for a short time, as it was exciting and fun. Gambling became anything but fun for me and for those around me. Recently I decided to stop wishing I would lose weight, and decided to make some lifestyle changes to make that happen. It too is a recovery process and it’s all about progress and not perfection. My relationship with Danny is complicated even though we are living separately. I struggle with urges to gamble especially when I am bored. One day at a time, and some days it’s moment by moment. Carole

[finding_laura]

for posting your comment. Yes I think I know exactly what your trying to say. For as I read your response to mine I’m having the same sense. My comment and yours are just hitting me now. So thanks again for taking the time to post . Have a great day

[finding_laura]

Thanks to all of you who take the time to post your deepest heart felt thoughts. I hadn’t been back to the site since I last posted on my time line, 12 days ago and to come back and see your honesty and support was spot on to use an expression I’ve heard. It hit me where I needed to be hit. I would love to make a longggg post but had the pleasure of having a long chat with Vera. So my body says move. Pain has stolen a lot from me but I will not give up on living life. Thank you GT family.

[vera]

Great to meet you in the chat….success at last. I had begun to think I was in the wrong place because no one ever turned up until today!
Glad it was YOU, Laura!
Take care and keeping moving along, gently!

[p]

Im so glad you still post and thank you for your email. I hope to see you again in chat sometime so we can once again connect.
I will be in touch soon! so pleased to hear from you

P

[finding_laura]

Well friends, I’ve been hanging out for an hour and a half, and only managed to catch up and comment on a handful of posts 🙁 A LOT has happened in the past month that has been really hard on me. Would love to share details but I tend to keep details to a minimum here so that I can continue to use this as a place to share my feelings. We’ll jut say that I’m going though a major financial reorganization and renovating the house. Which requires a lot of time and effort especially when you are physically limited and overdoing it causes pain. So dealing with pain is just part of the package. As a recovering compulsive gambler I don’t have much in the way of funds to hire someone either.
The good news? I’m not gambling! And if I can survive the next month I’ll have a clean, fresh, comfortable home, all organized with only the office paperwork left to go through. That will be a great feeling! Purging is wonderful too 🙂 Lots of things to be grateful for. Think I’ll focus on those. Now my aching body should get gently moving. Looking forward to having more GT time over the winter. Take care everyone!!!

[p]

I’m sorry to hear you have been through hard times in the last few months i really am. So glad that through it all though you are still gamble free. That is truly amazing!!!!! 🙂 Thank you for posting to me i really appreciated it and it came just at the right time, you must have known! Sending you hugs from across the seas… hope to see you soon

P

[desdemona]

Dear (((Laura)))!
It’s good to see you post. Hard times and major life changes and staying gamble free is an awesome accomplishment. Way to go girl!! Sorry that you deal with chronic pain as that is wearing on a person. You have worked an amazing recovery and I applaud you for that. Carole

[p]

Hey reminds me of old times Laura.. just raising my coffee cup to you this morning.. hehe

P

[finding_laura]

Well, had time to read a few posts today, make a couple too. Had a chat as well. Got to actually have my coffee this morning in peace! No rushing or dashing off. But now that being said it’s time to go run a few errands and pick up some paint. Most of the main floor is at the painting stage now. Then a purge of the basement and I’ll be able to relax for a couple days before Christmas. Have a gamble free weekend everyone. Laura

[p]

Hi Laura
Thanks for posting to me and it is good to see you back here posting. Sounds like you have been super busy and i know you constantly have the challenge of physical pain which would be so hard for you. I hope all your renovations go well and that you get to have some time for you before the mad christmas period.
So good to see you back again. You have been missed.

P

[kathryn]

My beautiful friend across the ocean,
Sending Christmas blessings your way. I didn’t even send out one Christmas card this year…..slack!!!!
I hope your day is full of laughter and joy.
Thank you for being my friend, I am one very lucky girl!!!
Hope to catch you soon, Love K xxxxxxx

[finding_laura]

Thank you friends for your lovely posts 🙂 Well the mad renos are still in progress but I did get a tree up, my shopping done and gifts wrapped. I feel terrible I didn’t get here in time to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. So I’m showing up lots early to wish everyone a Happy New Year.

This time of year can be so hard when you have just hit the wall or bottom or are desperately trying to avoid it. Or maybe the rawness of admitting you have a problem is where you are at. Perhaps no money for gifts for others whom we love, if we haven’t pushed them all away, no money for basic necessities and it all weighs down on a person. Know that these days shall pass and that focusing on your recovery is life saving. One day at a time making things a little better and a little brighter adds up. This site gives the best gift of all. And that is the gift of hope. Hope that a compulsive gambler can change and build a new life.

Happy New Year dear friends and members I have yet to meet.

Lets keep it gamble free 🙂

luv Laura

[icandothis]

That was lovely, Laura. Thinking of you as you renovate and rebuild your home. There is hope for the new year. 2014…we can renovate, reinvent, and rebuild our lives one day at a time!

[finding_laura]

I am sitting here with my thoughts and I am so sad 🙁 My life partner has been thoughtless and disrespectful, or so I feel. He feels I am making too big a deal out of things. I feel like I’ve been at this spot so many times before in my relationship. No gambling thoughts. Just sadness.

[icandothis]

I am so sorry you are feeling the way you are, Laura. I hope those sad thoughts don’t last too long and turn into better thoughts. I am not taking sides here, but I do think that this time of year is one of extreme highs (if we are lucky) but also extreme lows. Everything seems amplified. Our expectations are higher. I have been going through something very similar here at my house. Feeling that I am at the bottom of hubby’s list of priorities. Speaking of the devil. lol He wants to use my computer. I hope things sort themselves out Laura. Take care.

[p]

Hi Laura
Sorry to hear whats happening, i really do understand sadness just not for the same reason as i have no partner in my life but i understand that sad feeling. I hope that it can be resolved sooner than later. Its an emotion that just hits and sits. I find it hard to shift, i never fully shift it but some days it kind of takes a back seat but it always re appears. Your sadness has a cause which is good you can pin point it and then if that issue is resolved then the sadness will hopefully lift with it. Life is so weird sometimes what is throws at us. Thank god i guess that you are not gambling with all of this. I hope you had a happy christmas and i am so glad to see you posting again

P

[desdemona]

Dear (((Laura)))! I know that you have been at different points in your relationship when you have questioned whether the relationship was over and whether it was time to move on. I don’t know what happened between the two of you. but if you feel that you have been disrespected, your feelings are valid. Occasional disrespect and thoughtlessness is one thing. If it is a regular occurrence than I consider it abuse, even though I stayed with Danny for many years while I was being emotionally and psychologically abused. I stayed in that pre-contemplative state for several years before I made my move. I had hoped that we could grow old together, but it was not to be. I would suggest that you go to your partner and tell him how what he did/said, made you feel, and see what he says. If you have already done that and if his response was that you were making too much of what happened, he isn’t validating your feelings. Ask him to apologize to you, even if he doesn’t think he did anything he needs to apologize to you for. If he won’t apologize then go on strike in your house. He’ll come around real soon. Take to your bed, watch TV or read a book and refer all the children’s needs to their father. And if you have chocolates, take those with you too. You have to look after yourself emotionally, and if he won’t do it, then do it yourself. I know some people will think it’s an immature solution but trust me it will get him conversing with you. Carole

[finding_laura]

thanks Carole, we do tend to think a bit alike 🙂 I’ve withdrawn my company and a difficult conversation is still left to have. The one where I tell him I can move out for a little while or he can leave me alone for a little while. I need to take some time to think things through. I was left alone on Christmas Eve until late. It very much hurt my feelings. And he knows how upset I am as I told him in no uncertain words. And it wasn’t for a good excuse like picking up a christmas gift. He also complained and carried on Christmas day about having to spend some time with extended family. Then got upset when I went out boxing day and wasn’t home in time to spend time with him before I went to bed. He hadn’t wanted to go of course. I guess I find the immaturity, selfishness and self centred behaviour something that likely won’t be fixed in this lifetime as it has taken half of one to get this far. Honestly I feel I deserve better. There I said it. So thank you all for your continued support. Seems we are always on a journey of some kind or other. Laura

[finding_laura]

well things have smoothed over as they always seem to. Til the next time likely! Focusing on what I want and I’ll have to see where that takes me in 2014. Had a chat with an old recovery friend in chat, caught up on a few posts and now it’s time to get something accomplished. take care, Laura

[p]

Hi Laura i am glad to see things have worked out a bit for you with hubby.. so sorry i have not posted so often and i always think of you and my GT friends here but i have been in such a rut.. feel like i am getting out of it now slowly slowly. Thanks for the reminder that my moods can also be associated with gambling withdrawal, i can see that that could be the case too. Though i always struggle with moods i do find the addiction makes me crazy some days too.. Thank you for always being there for me Laura i really appreciate your thoughtfulness. Hope you have a good week and i would love to see you online for a chat again sometime. I can never seem to catch anyone online these days, must be the time diff…

P

[cat438]

Laura, so sorry that you were having a tough time with your partner. Life can be so challenging at times, and it is at those times that I want to just run away. I suppose that is where the gambling came in, it was my way of running away. Thanks for posting that link of P’s site about withdrawal etc. I am thinking of buying the book, but I just read some of the information about the withdrawal symptoms lasting two years. I think sometimes we expect so much of ourselves and if we are not gambling then we should be fine, but it is not the case. I really do think now, that I wish I knew then, what I know now, as I should have been respecting myself so much more and setting boundaries. I cant go back though so all I can do is keep working on myself.
I am also working on our basement and purging. On top of that we are renovating the basement so it is non stop, but I really wish I could be more motivated with it. I find that I get into „funks” as I call them and it is difficult to be upbeat.
Thanks for all your support Laura it really helps. You look after yourself and be kind to yourself as you deserve it!!!

[finding_laura]

thanks for the posts P and Cat. It feels good to purge doesn’t it Cat? I just wish I had more time and more energy to do it. Hoping to get a lot accomplished this weekend with some help from my sisters. It will eventually get there. Years of ignoring things won’t be fixed in a snap. My meds seem to be making me more drowsy than usual these days. TGIF, off to work and then a busy weekend. Hope everyone is doing ok. Laura

[p]

Hope you enjoyed that weekend.. its good to see posts from you again. Its hard when meds make you tired. I am finding that a little with mine now too.. good to see you living the gamble free life though, yippeeee

P

[p]

Hope you enjoyed that weekend.. its good to see posts from you again. Its hard when meds make you tired. I am finding that a little with mine now too.. good to see you living the gamble free life though, yippeeee

P

[Névtelen]

Hi Laura, . I hope having the renovations done will lift you.it will be so nice to have a beautiful space to live in. does anyone else have an awful messy house?? mine has been so neglected when i was gambling i dont know where to start. how did you get motivated or have you always been a ‘housey’ person? Ah it’s a terrible old addiction. I could not really share it with anyone and that is why I went for online courses. Mood gym helped me view my interactions with people in a more positive light. my husband is a terribly negative person, but now I just seem to shut it out . I think the day might come when I think you know what I deserve better than being put down every minute of every day but I seem to have developed such a thick skin. The day is more likely to arrive when I think you know what I deserve someone who can see all the wonderful things about me . OMG those courses are certainly working lol. Relationships are so difficult, but i learned on moodgym, my feelings are something I can control. Another online course setting captives free allowed me to kick gambling. I have tried many more but these two brought about real changes in my life.

Now Laura, if you could give me any advice on how to get my shameful messy house under control i would be so happy.

[p]

Hope you are having a good day today and that things are going well for you with the renos.. looking forward to catching you some time for a chat..

P

[finding_laura]

well I can say that I’ve been resting up this past week and the majority of the house is sorted and freshly painted or scrubbed. It does feel good Sad to finally have things as I can see them. I tried not to drive myself crazy but every time I looked as something that was neglected I could see how it aught to be. As my disabilities make it difficult for me to do a lot of cleaning I’ve purged a lot of the things in my home. If I don’t love it or need it it is gone! Makes it easier to keep things tidy. I always made things too big in my own mind. I would almost get paralyzed with the thoughts of what needed to be done. Sometimes I’d get stuck on one thing and because I couldn’t do it, nothing else would get done either. I was given advice here about breaking things down into small manageable pieces. I try and do that now. Also, I make a list of things to be done, but I don’t pressure myself to do everything. If there is one really scary or difficult task , I challenge myself to do that first. Then the other little jobs seem to fall into place. Gradually over the past 4 years since I stopped gambling things have been dealt with. I do have to admit it has been challenging though.

Sad, thank you for sharing your thoughts and your feelings. I’ll have to check out those online courses myself. So much self improving to do and so little time to get there I find. I think those thoughts too. A lot of the slogans I’ve learned at GA seem to be running through my head when it comes to my relationship. What will be different this time? Nothing changes if nothing changes. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Oh dear!

Hope everyone has a good gamble free 24. Thanks for always checking in on me P!

take care,
Laura

[charles]

Good post laura. Exactly right – manageable pieces. That’s how one day at a time works and it’s also the way to deal with anything big and scary. That applies to pretty much anything really, whether it’s a big bill that can be broken down into a manageable monthly budgeted amount (certainly worked for me when i got married) or cleaning our house a room at a time . keep posting

[desdemona]

Dear (((Laura)))! Way to go on getting so much work done in your home, especially since you struggle with so much pain. Relationships aren’t easy! I laid down for a nap this afternoon and Danny came into my bedroom to ask if I’d be going grocery shopping with him and my granddaughter, and what would we be having for supper. He hasn’t seen me in a month, I’ve just got home yesterday evening, and I’m still heavily bruised from the procedure, and the expectation is that I’ll have supper organized in my head. I find him so very annoying at times like that! Some husbands would be bringing a supper tray for their wives in a situation like that, just to be nice and kind. I’m guessing your husband wouldn’t be bringing you supper in bed either. Your husband leaving you alone for a good part of Christmas Eve was inconsiderate, and certainly gives the message that whoever he was with, is more important than you are. That was just plain mean!!! No wonder you were upset!! These guys just don’t get it! I have had the occasional thought of reconciling with Danny, but I can’t see that anything has changed. I just live one day at a time, and that helps me to get through some of the challenging times in my life. I’m happy I learned to live that way as it reduces the amount of stress I take on for that day!! My granddaughter asked me about my plans for today and she laughed when I told her that so far for today, I had planned up to having toast for breakfast. Carole

[p]

Wishing you a good day and night Laura and hope you are not in too much pain after all that work.
I did a lot of housework today, i needed to had only been doing little bits and really needed to just get in there and go mad for a while.. feels better when its done but yes it can effect us physically and would be doubly as hard for you with your pain..
Well done on getting it done. Hopefully catch you around again some time soon

P

[desdemona]

Dear (((Laura)))! Thank you for such a supportive post on my thread. It meant a lot to me! It seems that a lot of cgs have trouble getting motivated to tackle projects they put off doing when they were actively gambling. Someone once told me that when a person feels unmotivated they should do something that needs done for 5 minutes. Another strategy is organize/clean a drawer or closet for that day. I have always felt a kinship to you because we struggle with relationship/marital problems. Danny just left my place and he is majorally upset with me because I won’t cooperate with the way he wants to set up the lease of our property to a friend of his, and the sale going through in 5 years. I want to be able to purchase somewhere to live, and am not going to wait 5 years to do that. The guy all of a sudden says he doesn’t have the money to pay out our mortgage and to give me my share of the proceeds. I told Danny that we weren’t his personal banker, and that if he couldn’t afford to buy our place, he shouldn’t be pursuing it. I’m not going along with any hare-brained schemes with Danny or his friend. Hope you have a good day! Carole

[p]

Hi Laura
I like how you said you do the biggest job first, that actually really helped me as i have a list of things to do and i seem to leave that big one till last when i need to put it first, then the rest that follow will be easier.. good thinking.. hope you are having a good week

P

[finding_laura]

a new day, a new week… finding myself struggling to get moving this morning. Also find it hard to find words, although not quite 7am yet so maybe I’m excused. Carole I admire your strength and courage in dealing with things head on. P, I hope you find your list easier to tackle. Just not too much pressure to complete it 🙂 Have a good gamble free week everyone. ODAAT Laura

[p]

Hi Laura
Hows things these days? Just wondering how you are going and hope to catch you here some day for a chat.
I hope you are happy with the renovations and your pain is not getting any worse. Cant wait to hear from you again

P

[finding_laura]

dearest P, always checking on me 🙂

I’ve been going through some anxiety and depression these days. Just not having the umph to deal with anything either. Trying to deal with the lack of energy with a supplement, I had stopped taking one for a month and now I am thinking it’s made a big difference. Back on it now and seems to be helping again.
The weather here has been just terrible. Canadian winters can be tough but this one has been brutal. Between cold, lots of snow, and, that it is still here! Brutal!
I am still gamble free but honestly was really pining for it last night and having some urges. WTF! It’s been over 4 years since I’ve gambled. Where are these urges coming from? I have today booked off from work and for some reason I didn’t tell hubby. I’ve been having thoughts of sneaking off for a day of gambling. So it seems that means (money in the bank) and opportunity(secret day off) can still trigger urges in me. Only the fear of bumping in to someone we know helps to keep the gambling at bay. I’m thinking of just going in to work instead. Save the day off for another time.
Coffee refill and try and do some catching up. Seems I’m always catching up. Very depressing to always be chasing life.
Laura

[cat438]

Laura, first of all WTG on 4 years gamble free!!!! I am so glad that you are not going to go gambling though, but it shows how no matter we have gamble free we still have to be aware and on guard. This „never ending winter” is getting to me as well and I can relate to the no umph to deal with anything. I have been checking out multivitamins, but don’t know what one to get so I don’t get one. I have so much „catching up” to do, but I never get it done. I have a number of boxes to go through in the basement and they have been sitting there for months. We are renovating the basement again, and the way it is going it will take us 10 years LOL It’s interesting as my husband just said the other day that 25 years ago he would have had it finished by now. This getting „mature” really slows you down. I find by the time I work full time then come home I just have no energy and veg out in front of the TV. I have no motivation to do anything!!! Sorry for the pity party on your page.
Great plan to go to work rather than gambling. I do know how you feel though as in my mind it would be like a special treat and day for myself. I think I will book a massage or something special for me rather than gambling. It’s interesting as it is 17 months since I last played the slots and it seems as if money means more to me again. I like the way Liz says it… she says she has more respect for money now. I am thinking that if I was to go gambling I would find the money to gamble, but to spend it on a massage seems extravagant. The gambling brain is strange when it comes to money!!! Chin up and have a good day. I will now go look again at the multivitamins for the mature woman over 60 LOL

[desdemona]

Dear (((Laura)))! I’m with you on how never ending this Canadian winter has been. It has gotten discouraging at times. Four years of gamble free time is awesome and amazing!!! I’m happy that you were able to do something else with your „day off,” rather than gamble it away. I remember how your Mom rescued you from a Christmas with no gifts, etc for your children, and how she supported you in your initial recovery. She must be very proud of how far you have come. Most people that have never experienced addiction of some kind, can’t understand how compulsive gambling can be. Hope you’re having a good day! Carole

[p]

Im back again, same old story only ten times worse, you dont want to go back to that life Laura.. it is hell… your recovery is so inspiring, i feel like such a failure.. i think of you all often

P

[p]

Hi chicky its been ages.. i think i am using your old email and cant find other. Hope things are well for you these days and that you are well and happy.. would love to have a chat one day again

P

[p]

Hi Laura i have not seen you round here for sooooo long.. i just hope that i get to see a post from you again soon and an update.. i hope all is good in your world right now.. thinking of you.

p

[p]

Where is our lovely Laura??? Hi Laura.. how are you going these days. i have not seen a post from you for so long i am beginning to worry.. i hope that you are ok.. I really miss seeing you around here, i hope all is ok at home and with your back.. would love love love to hear from you again

P

[p]

Hi Laura

Where are you? Are you ok? I really miss seeing you and i wonder what has happened to you. Hoping all is well and you are just living in recovery and busy..

P

[p]

Are you ok Laura?

P

[p]

It has been so long since i have spoken to you.. i really hope that you are ok.. i have changed email addresses. no matter what is going on in your life you can still come back and chat.. I hope things are good and you are just so busy with life that you haven’t really had a chance to be here.. if things are bad its ok, they will turn around, come back and post some time..

P

[bettie]

Our friend just picked up her 5 year chip from her meeting.
Congrats my friend in recovery!
Step 4 maybe next year? lol!
bettie

[finding_laura]

Hello to everyone, sorry I’ve been gone so long without an update. On Oct 29th this year I picked up my 5 year chip from my GA group. For the most part I don’t think about gambling any more, such a turnaround from days spent reaching my bottom, where every waking moment was spent thinking about gambling, and even a lot of the sleeping ones too! Thanks P for looking for me as always, sorry to not stay in touch 🙁 I found it a struggle to to remain connected here and had almost felt like an outsider maybe when I was here, trying to catch up. I have continued to struggle with chronic pain and limited abilities. I work par time and find when I’m off I always have more things to do than time to do them. Not to mention the recuperating from the strain of working. I try and keep things simple. Many of the lessons I’ve learned as I dealt with my gambling addiction have helped me deal with other problems in life.
I hope all my old friends here are doing well. May we all be blessed with recovery.
take care,
Laura

[p]

Laura you have made my day i was worried about you.. i am so happy to see that you have achieved FIVE YEARS!!!! are you kidding me.. that is super fantastic.. you should be so so proud of yourself.. that is such an achievement. I have never forgotten your support to me and its understandable that things change, i am just so happy to hear from you.. yippeeeee

P

[p]

Hi Laura i hope that you are still reading here.. I really thank you for all the times you talked to me and helped me through on here.. I still wonder how you are doing and i hope its all good in your world and its just that you are so busy enjoying life..

P

[finding_laura]

Complacency, financial stress, boredom, same old feelings of resentment, and probably other excuses, and I never made it to six years gamble free. Risking my marriage and the hard won trust of my family. Why? why? why?

I didn’t keep up meetings or coming to this site.

Trying to work on things again. Some times I just feel very tired or it all. Feel like just secluding myself. Not dealing with anyone. I guess that’s what zoning out in front of a slot machine does for me.

Anyway, today is another day. A new day. A gamble free day.

Laura

[lizbeth4]

Hi Laura. Today is a new day! A gamble free day! This journey is hard. I’ve experienced my bumps in the road. We are our worse enemy. You know what to do. Keep reaching out here. You have support here. You are never alone. Keep trying! Take care.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Laura. I just re-read my post to you and it sounded preachy. It wasn’t meant that way. I only want the best for you. You always have my support!

[finding_laura]

here today to read, check out chat for a while. Don’t feel like posting. I’m not out of control thankfully due to restricted funds but I can’t say I’ve been clean for very long. Currently have no desire or urge to gamble. I feel like a sh*t for once again deceiving people close to me. Lost a close friend to Cancer this week. Her physical being had suffered so tremendously but she kept a positive fighter outlook through out her battle. Feel blessed to have known her and know that she will look over me. No worries Liz, not preachy 🙂 thank-you for your post. Have a gamble free day everyone. Just for today I will not gamble. Not one bet, not one cent.

[vera]

Condolences on the loss of your dear friend, Laura. Stops us in our tracks, doesn’t it?
Gambling brings big losses too. It’s like a bereavement. Lost money. Lost self esteem. Lost trust. Lost confidence. Lost time. Lost hope. Lost faith. Lost friendships and on it goes until we lose our very souls.
They don’t call it a „progressive” disease for nothing.
Like cancer , it’s eats away at us.
The good news is we know the „cure”.
December has been a G free month for me Laura. I wish I could say the same about the other 2015 months! Alas, I can’t.
Roll on 2016.
It IS possible to have a clean year ODAAT
It IS possible to have a clean life.
Gambling solves nothing.

[finding_laura]

thanks so much Vera for your post. Very well put! Our gamble brains deceive! It’s just a bit of harmless fun… Ha! I should print your post and put it in my pocket. Very well done on a gamble free December Vera. It IS possible Vera. I had five of them in a row. 5 years and 3 months. It’s time for me to return to my abstinent ways. Life isn’t for wasting. Take care Vera! I see chat isn’t open for another hour and I’ll have to go out. Too bad it wasn’t open now. Talk later

[lizbeth4]

Sorry about the loss of your friend. Death puts things into perspective Take care. Today is a new day!!!! Anything is possible.

[finding_laura]

wishing a happy new year to everyone! Today is a new day in a new year. I will start 2016 clean. I made it through the Christmas holidays without a bet. Mostly due to barriers, especially the big one, my husband! Not much to say today, just glad my day has been planned and there will be no gambling in the mix. It always makes me feel like crap. We can change, I’ve done it. Just need to work harder, or smarter maybe. I’m thinking of scheduling some counselling in the new year. Maybe that would help me work out some of my feelings that make me want to gamble. Or maybe they are just an excuse my gamble brain is using. Either way, it won’t hurt.

Happy New Year everyone! There is always hope even when things are at there worst.

Laura

[vera]

You were on my mind over Christmas, Laura.
Keep that „Barrier” glued to you everywhere you go.
2016 is the Year of the Non Gambler (not the Monkey)

[female g]

first of all no one or no thing can devalue 5 year and 3 months gamble free time. I wish I could the same and you should be very proud of that amazing accomplishment.
You just slipped and perhaps got complacent , and that could happen to anyone of us. So time to get past this and look into another plan of attack to regain your ability to return to life without gambling. It is a little blip and nothing more Laura, try not to let it become bigger that that ok. Nice to see all of us reaching out and showing such love and support to each other. Lets get 2016 started on the right foot together ok. Happy New Year FG

[maverick.]

Happy new year Laura, keep fighing, stay strong and like you rightly say there is always hope, take care and wish you a happy and healthy 2016.

Maverick

[p]

Hi Laura sorry for what you have been through i am so pleased to see you here.. you can do this, you went so long.. i could only wish to do that too.. you are back on board.. that is fantastic

P

[kathryn]

Morning Laura!
I have the posting bug this morning. Hubby stomped around this morning and woke me up and I am NOT a morning person. I then stomped downstairs, made a coffe and then proceeded to have a little screamer with him! GOOD MORNING!!!!!!!!! So looks like my day will be spent in silence as in his words ‘you want a fight, you’ve got one!’ Sheesh!!!!!
I’m doing ok, feeling restless, still have my exclusion in place thankfully as I know where I’d be today feeling how I feel!
I don’t believe I need to say anything in regards to your slip…. We have been walking this road for a long long time and it is well worn with our footprints! You know what to do xxx
None of us are infallible, I know as much as anyone. I’m happy you came back, it’s so easy to hide.
we are kindred spirits, you and I. I’m sure our husbands were related in a past life!!!!!
I should go and tackle some housework, i mopped the floors at 7am (I’m still on holidays, how is that right???). Not sure what my day holds yet, apart from staying out of his way!
Updates to come in sure!!!!!!!
Love K xxx

[finding_laura]

Happy New Year everyone. I’m thankful for your posts and will do some responding shortly. I’m in chat if anyone is around
Laura

[finding_laura]

unfortunately my barrier can’t come to work with me. Can’t say 2016 is still clean. Weekends are my safe time now. No gambling today!

[finding_laura]

thanks G! I’m afraid my slip is more than that. I’ve been „dabbling” since early last winter. Now it is a pattern that needs to be changed. Need to get back to gamble free ways. Before I really cause some damage. Hope the new year is being good to you.
laura

[finding_laura]

thanks Maverick. Wishing the same for you in 2016, and of course a gamble free year! ODAAT of course 🙂

Laura

[finding_laura]

so lovely to start off my 2016 with a post from you P. We truly are on a journey aren’t we? I have got to try and beat this again. Having my morning coffee. It will be a gamble free weekend. I usually don’t on weekends for fear of getting caught by someone who knows the devastation i caused before. Here’s to positive outcomes in 2016. Take care lovely P.

[finding_laura]

thanks Kathryn for posting! I wasn’t sure if you spent much time here anymore or not. We are(were) definitely kindred spirits in recovery, coping with our gambling issues and our bad boys lol I have always been thrilled seeing you enjoy your gamble free life! And probably a little jealous too if honest lol. And as long as I’m being honest, I hate that my disabilities restricted me from jumping back into life with both feet as you did. Keep living life to the fullest Kathryn! I love your adventures! Thanks for letting me live vicariously through you lol and thanks for your support and friendship.
Laura

[vera]

Hi Laura!
Habits are hard to break, especially when a certain habit seems to be the only thing that gives us enjoyment or when it becomes „easy”. Not having full health is restrictive and I guess gambling is an ideal pastime since it takes such little exertion. I know, for me, certain casinos developed into comfort zones; places I felt „normal” and accepted! I would justify going there since my health prevents me from doing things I „would prefer to do”. Sometimes, instead of making more effort, I would create a false lull and take the easy option. i.e. opt out. Does that ever happen with you Laura? When we step back and begin to rationalize, we see things differently. We become aware that the stress of gambling exacerbates health issues rather than alleviating them. The stress of „being caught” is a huge issue for me too, but when we think about it at a deeper level the One Who Sees All will always know our inner thoughts and plans. Sometimes we deceive ourselves.
Can you figure out some way of getting home from work without entering the „danger zone” Laura? Maybe a change of route or travel in company?
Habits, when they become compulsions are more difficult to break and when the dreaded „addiction” is added to the mix it really means we need a bit of extra hurdle help.
Can you look at ways to organize your travel/funds/opportunities so that you won’t slip back into a crazy world of lies chaos and disorder, Laura.
Gambling can be fun but you know that for a CG it will ALWAYS end in tears.
Spare yourself the torment, Laura.
It is possible to put the brakes on.
Again. It’s never too late.

[finding_laura]

in the chat if anyone around

[p]

It is so nice to see you here again. I kind of feel a bit ashamed of myself that we used to chat so often and now all this time later i am still only few months into recovery.. oh well, snails pace, sloth like me is still continuing on but i still do continue to get back up each time i fall.. I hope life is treating you well and i have been trying to catch you in the chat room, i will look again

P

[female g]

recovery is always on going and ready and waiting for you when you are. Please try to avoid a rock bottom if you can ok. Like K said you know what to do and maybe its time to start.
I just learned that a habit takes only 3 weeks to develope and so much longer to break as we all well know. Give recovery 3 weeks and perhaps it will turn into a habit. Just saying FG

[kathryn]

Good morning Laura,
Thank you for your post, you are right, I’m never satisfied! Thank you for reminding me of the changes I have made, not only does it make me proud, but it shows me that I am able to make positive changes and stick to them!
There is one massive change I have to make, I need to stop smoking, another addiction. I’ve been smoking for years and I really do hate it now, I’m always saying I have the black lung!
I did it once for a whole year, about 5 years ago and have never attempted it since. It’s a constant thought in my head, I just need to take that first step!
I had a great time at the tennis, we saw some great matches.
I had to pick Brea up Friday morning from the airport, her and cameron had just spent almost 4 weeks in the USA. When I came home Sunday I went and looked at all her pics and came home and bawled!
While I am so so thrilled for her it also reminds me of what I want to do, travel! I felt really depressed thinking that I am never going to do any of it, that I am doomed, cursed to live this life without going across the ocean, I know, dramatic as hell!!!!!
I am so unmotivated, lazy and I’m not sure how to get out of that funk! I need to change my thinking, I’m trying to surround myself with positive affirmations, I have hung a world map in my bedroom, I am trying to be positive, Damian’s work is a bit erratic so it’s difficult to make any real plans.
Ugh!!!!!!!!
I’m babbling, I know. I need to get off my ass and DO something, it’s Australia Day today, public holiday, and I need to get moving.
Thank you for everything, you are a truly special friend,
Love K

[finding_laura]

Sorry I’ve been neglectful, would you believe I’m renovating again? And I ask hubby to do it and he HATES it. So causing a lot of friction right now! He can be just awful. I also end up as assistant and even though I don’t do so much I’m terribly sore from it. Both my grown sons are living home while they complete university and college studies. And they have out grown their old spaces and I need a small home office. I did a lot of decluttering and sorting and moving stuff in the basement before we started. I’m also part of the process to calculate where things are going and my sons aren’t very good at that sort of thing! Kids these days! All this has meant I’ve been kept busy with no opportunities to gamble. Gamble free for a little spell but having a hard time getting back in the zone, the gamble free, not going there zone. The I am a great big CG zone. Groups never seem to be on at my time. I’m either preparing supper, just getting home from work or going to bed!
I’m taking today off. Mental Health day. Plus I had to take pain medication that is not appropriate to take and then drive.
Going to do some catching up and see how everyone is doing.
Thanks for the posts!
Laura

[finding_laura]

didn’t get too far yesterday. Did some reading and then went for a nap. I’ve been sleeping a lot lately. Hiding from my life? Fed up with life. But there are so many struggling to hang on to the life they have been blessed with and here I am wasting it. Went to group today. Gave me a few things to think about. Struggling to focus and not go off for another nap! Work tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll make it in for this shift. yawn. Medication changes as well may be part of this. Well enough feeling sorry for myself. keep well everyone

[female g]

the struggles of life can keep us busy enough to avoid gambling for a bit but it seems to tell our brains that when we do haves urges we think we deserve the excitement after all we work so hard that we deserve a night out. That is my hardest thing to get past. It hit me hard last Sunday and I thought i was done for. My husband stood up to me and I was able to get past the urge. I’m a bit worried though what might happen next. hope i have the strength to stay gamble free. I have 31/2 months behind me so far. Hope the demands that life present don’t lead you to gamble Laura. Stay focused and gamble free. FG

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