I don’t want to write it, because of the deepest shame.
But I should. I should write it down here every time it happens.
So I gambled again. Was it a sudden impulse or inevitable desire? It does not really matter after all.
I consider myself a deeply sick in the head human, and I cannot help but feel this sickness is gonna be with me forever, my whole life.
It is a pretty terrible disease.
How can I deal with it?
To kin,
Like many times before, your words told me exactly what would happen to me, and I ended up in the same pit again.
Am I not teachable? There’s been years of doing the same thing. Failing every time.
I need to reconsider my so-called strategy or whatever I’m just using to avoid gambling because it seems like nothing works at all.
There’s not even a little light of hope in the end of this damn tunnel. Only misery, disgust and suffering.
I appreciate you writing something here in my thread, trying to give an advice.
I know it’s no use before I take a step myself. Nothing will happen before I do it myself.
And honestly, it needs to be done as fast as possible, otherwise… at some point I will end up in a pit so deep, that I won’t have any option such that I still have right now.