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Hi Kathryn,  I was just reading through your thread, and I am so sorry about the recent turn of events going on with you, your husband and your family.  You were the first person to reach out to me with such kind words and advice.  I wish that you weren’t going through this.  
Im probably the first and maybe the only one to say this but,   "YIPEEE!!!!!"  I am so glad she is a "fester."  I know that is so surface, but it really does help to know that she’s not this drop-dead knock out gorgeous woman.  No matter how long ago, or what the circumstances were, noone likes to picture their spouse being with someone else.  In our minds, we like to think of ourselves as "the only one."  So I can see how hard this is for you since it’s become a certian reality.  I can see how having his "possible" daughter over would be too much to handle. 
My husband and I have both been married once before.  We both have children from our first marriage.  None together. 🙁  It took me a long time to "get over" having to deal with his ex-wife.  She was this constant reminder of his past life, and I didn’t want him to have a past life.  I wanted to be his only life.  (I am so hypocritical-because I too had a past life with my ex.)   I would obsess about what they did together, were they happy, blah, blah, blah. But time did run it’s course, and little by little – those thoughts went away.  I realized that my husband is with me, and that was for a reason.  It’s because he loves me.  He LOVES me.  Not her.  Or else he’d be with her.  It’s the same with you and your husband.  He LOVES you.  Don’t picture him with her.  It just messes your mind up.  (Especially don’t picture them now that you know what she looks like.  Yuck-O!!) 
Time will mend all things Kathryn.  Give yourself time to feel what you feel.  And know that a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, you’ll probably feel different. 
You are in my thoughts, and keep being strong (gamble-free).     xx   Erin