[Stevie.g17]

Today the worst or maybe best thing happened to me, I have been gambling for 16 years now relentlessly whether I win or lose it’s all spent on gambling. I have a beautiful family, great career and am a much liked person in social groups. What people dont know is I have this other persona and deep addiction I will bet on anything . My main addictions are bookmakers roulette and the slots. I risk losing everything and just cannot continue anymore.

So after a productive day at the gym and playing tennis and constantly battling my brain to not attend the bookmakers with the £330 in my draw just after lunchtime I gave in and headed there, I knew it was a bad idea it’s always a bad idea but sometimes I feel it so much stronger than others and after losing £1200 at the weekend this seemed like the worse idea chasing money.

Well I knew it would be bad but I played £2 stakes on 2 of my more favoured slots and I didn’t get one bonus not one on either with the full £330 , I left absolutely dejected. The only saving grace I found myself saying this has now happened for a reason it must have, I’ve had bad days but no bonus with that amount is very rare , but I thought for the first ever time this really has to stop this is pathetic ill gain more money saving week in week out rather than gambling.

But I know I’m a full blown addict so this isn’t going to be easy and I’m wondering if signing up to a site and talking may help me as this is the first ever step I’ve taken and i stumbled across this site.

Any help, advice, story sharing or a general friend would be lovely in what is going to be the most challenging months ahead for me. Which I must take a day at a time and I have to be honest if I fail even though the shame will outweigh any financial losses.

Thank you 

[shitty friend]

Congrats, this is a great day to start a new non-gambling lifestyle!

[Stevie.g17]

Thankyou.  I guess the start of a very long road ahead 

[TF]

Hi Stevie,
I had pretty much given you my life story when my phone died and I lost the message that I spent an hour typing! Like you, today could be just another bad day, or if I can manage to keep it together, it can be first day for the rest of my life without gambling.
I’ve been here before, not on a problem gambling forum, but I’ve reached another crossroad in my life where I have to admit that I have a problem, and not only because I got caught out!

I’ve been gambling from an early age and my father even tried to warn me of the perils by beating me black and blue one Christmas Eve when I was a child but still I didn’t learn my lesson. My serious addiction came just after I was made redundant, about 12 years ago. I had devised a spreadsheet so good at predicting the probability of the ball landing in a section of the roulette wheel, I managed to win every single day for about a month taking my winnings to about £28k. iUnfortunately I had an argument with the wife and the whole darn lot went back in one day. My 12 year old daughter even had to ring round the local bookies trying to get me excluded. Question is do you want to end up like me? Best of luck
TF

[vera]

That’s exactly how gambling makes us feel. Totally dejected. Well done on seeking help with your gambling problem. You have come to the right place. Gambling is a progressive disease that sucks the life out of those who persist in trying to beat the machines. Apart from losing money, we lose our self respect, dignity ,and above all precious time which can never be replaced. You will not regret walking away from this scourge. It’s not easy to stay stopped, but with support, it is possible.

I wish you well in recovery.

Keep posting.

[Stevie.g17]

Thanks for all your responses it helps a great deal even in these early stages. Just fine the school run and 3 quarters of the journey was spent thinking about gambling and what slot I will go on and what numbers I will play on roulette . It felt so exciting and real but that was without thinking . When I remembered I had now stopped or in the process of stopping I felt so relieved and happy and instead I am now going to the gym.

It’s going to be so hard temptation is everywhere but I’m so determined. I cant believe its took me all these years to crack but im so happy I have. I’m hoping this isn’t a honeymoon period though and each day i get stronger

[Steev]

Well done on taking the first step – ie admitting to yourself and us that you have a problem … You now need to take some practical action in order to stop – these include, banning yourself from places where you can gamble both online and off; carrying as little money with you as possible – if you can getting someone trusted to handle your money for you. Getting local support through counselling or self-help groups such as GA; finding new ways in which to spend the time that you would use up gambling.

It is a long road, it took me many years to stop – even after I had admitted I had a problem, but I have been clean for many years so it CAN be done. I wish you well.

[dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Lego93]

Hi Stevie, Just wanted to wish you well with breaking free of this addiction. I feel many aspects of your story are similar to mine. I’m at uni training to be a doctor, got a great circle of friends, beautiful girlfriend etc. I have no excuse to be destroying my life gambling, but I have been hopelessly addicted since I was 16, when I would spend my lunch money on scratch cards. I did manage to stop for a couple of years, but recently had a big binge which has left me lower than ever.

Anyway, this is your thread, not mine, so I just wanted to wish you well and I hope we can find sustained recovery together. Things that have worked for me in the past have included putting a trusted loved one in charge of my bank account and getting a friend to change the password to my paypal account – (as it’s mainly online gambling that gets me). I have also found counselling useful. Finally I’d recommend you tell one or two trusted friends/family members. Talking really has helped me. All the best – let’s do this!

[Stevie.g17]

Thanks for all the comments seeing a new comment or 2 each time I access this journal is already giving me added motivation. Talking is really helping something I’ve never done

In response to your comment steev that’s great advice my dad has reached out to me who knows all about my gambling and has tried and tried and tried to helping me even bailing me out of fmtricky financial situations in the past. He has said he wants my wages to go in his bank , this was very hard for me to swallow I’m 29 with my own home, partner 2 beautiful boys and a great career yet I have to pay my wages in my dads bank as I cant be trusted . This hurt my pride a lot and I battled against it in my head until I saw the positive and the shame of that overrode the shame of losing £100s of pounds each day or each week for the past 16 years and I’ve accepted his offer.

I have looked for good gaming blockers as all I use is my phone but they seem to have really bad reviews and can corrupt your phone , I am blocked from all my online casinos and bookmakers currently but I know how easy it is to find a new one at the drop of a hat so help or advice in this area would be very welcome.

Again the local bookmakers is like a little community as we all know and I’m popular and well liked in there as win or lose I’m jolly and friendly on the outside but they dont see the hurt going on inside my head, self excluding from there will be damn hard but it’s a must . So much to do but Rome wasnt built in a day .

I’ve just left the gym , the gambler in my brain is saying just go and win some fuel money or some of uesterdays money back etc etc, I guess these cravings will only get harder is this what they call withdrawal.

One thing I must ask to all the people that have battled this or in the process do the thoughts ever stop even when like 5 or 10 years clean or are they there daily and how do u approach this. I know this is very early days but my brain scares me as gambling is all it has known and wants to do. I know in the pub it will even say a pound in bandit is ok go on …… hope this make sense and thanks again to everyone I’m really seeing light at the end of the tunnel and this forum is so welcoming.

Stevie.g

[Stevie.g17]

Lego93 tha is for the comment the only reason I’m glad we have the same kind of story is so I’m hoping we can come together and beat this and then have better stories to tell at the end. I like your advice and I’ve reached put to my father and sister , my mum doesn’t understand gambling or addictions shes just a typical lovely mum who cares so much for my welfare but I think the pain I experience inside hurts her so I’m protecting her from divulging the true extent of this habit as it’s there daily. I am opening up and to family and on here as I’ve said is giving me great strength , I suppose we have things in common like many gamblers and the fact we have good jobs is no detriment to people who gamble there benefits where all affected by the same illness and it’s the first time I’m looking at it like that, I used to view ot as happy go lucky and when the wallet was full I would be like a man with no hands soending and been jolly . When it was empty I had to get back to a big win . The endless vicious cycle.

I have to keep reminding myself I’m fully addicted have been since seen a teen the thought of gambling kow petrifies me as I’ve opened up and I would feel a complete failure but I’m honest and will open if I do as this is my 1st full day and I know theres going to be very very testing days ahead.

I hope we can keep communicating lego93 my journal is open to all I was relieved to get it out there

[Stevie.g17]

My first full day completed, I have kept myself busy with the gym and work and not look at sports scores or visited the bookmakers. Its payday and I usually wait up and in the next 15 mins deposit a large chunk into a online slots company. Tonight I have had a catch up on some t v a nice drink to wind down after work and I shall be going to sleep. A big weekend ahead it will be my first ever without a football bet for 16 years give it take holidays etc.

I feel strong at the moment I hope this continues. Let’s see what tomorrow brings

[vera]

Well done. The best barriers are mental barriers
Stay focused.

[charles]

Hi Stevie, You are already getting some great advice. Reading your initial post it sounds like the money in your drawer was calling your addiction all day before you gambled. Not having that sort of easy accessibility to funds is important. When it omes to your dad “controlling” your money consider that is in fact not the case. Accountability like that will actually give you more control over your own money not less. After all none of us have much control over it when gambling. Keep posting.

[Stevie.g17]

Thanks Charles great advice , second day now and boy it was a very difficult one, once Bill’s and debts had gone out of my bank and the fact payroll couldn’t change my bank details over until the following month so the money went in mine for the last time and as u say once I had paid everything the urge to gamble was huge, the urge to sneak some of the money I was about to hand over to my dad was huge but I resisted I dont even know how it was surreal.

I haven’t been able to exclude myself from my local bookies yet as I say its obviously like a community and it’s a big step for me but I know it’s one I must do to win this battle as I could lapse anyday now.

Hitting the fitness is taking my mind of things and setting goals as well as ploughing more time into activities with my sons. I dont play scratch cards but how random that my brain is now trying to fo us on these anything to have a gamble.

My dads got my money now I literally have money for fuel for work purposes , I feel great but also sometimes scared it’s like I’ve lost a friend. But onwards and upwards thanks for the support.

[Stevie.g17]

Second day now and boy it was a very difficult one, once Bill’s and debts had gone out of my bank and the fact payroll couldn’t change my bank details over until the following month so the money went in mine for the last time and as u say once I had paid everything the urge to gamble was huge, the urge to sneak some of the money I was about to hand over to my dad was huge but I resisted I dont even know how it was surreal.

I haven’t been able to exclude myself from my local bookies yet as I say its obviously like a community and it’s a big step for me but I know it’s one I must do to win this battle as I could lapse anyday now.

Hitting the fitness is taking my mind of things and setting goals as well as ploughing more time into activities with my sons. I dont play scratch cards but how random that my brain is now trying to fo us on these anything to have a gamble.

My dads got my money now I literally have money for fuel for work purposes , I feel great but also sometimes scared it’s like I’ve lost a friend. But onwards and upwards thanks for the support it is still very early days but I’m more determined than ever.

[Stevie.g17]

Saturday is the big day . I wont have access to funds as my dad knows under no circumstances unless accompanied for something essential an I to access money on Saturdays. This is the horse and football day a tradition for years I’m worried how this will affect my mental state it’s almost a strict routine if studying and writing out all manner of bets and placing them and following them and then having a spin in the bookies , how I will cope and fill my time will be difficult. I shall wait and see

[charles]

I’d recommend not “waiting and seeing” plan your Saturday before it comes

[Stevie.g17]

That’s what I plan to do Charles. We are going for a family walk and a bite to eat . I will learn to love football again as it’s my passion and learnt to love it again without having to bet on it

[brucey]

Do register with Gamstop if you haven’t already – this helps loads with the online stuff

[Lego93]

Hi pal, I hope you’re coping this weekend and are enjoying time doing other things. I know you asked in a previous post if the cravings ever go away? I had 18 months where i barely thought about gambling, so it definitely does ease. Obviously I let my guard down though and have had this relapse, so just be sure to never get complacent. Keep your support networks in place and keep it going one day at a time.

[Stevie.g17]

Hi mate I had a successful weekend just surrounded myself with family and went to gym and walks etc . I am really struggling with the urges and cravings currently for the past 13 years I’ve itched the itch no questions asked . I feel in full withdrawal mode currently and I’m climbing the walls. I have given myself numerous outlets including a lot of fitness but its relentless . Once these thoughts ease I feel I maybe in a better place. Although I haven’t gambled I’ve daydreams and thought about it soooooo much.

[Stevie.g17]

Really struggling with urges currently. The itch is doing everything for me to itch it. I’m finding out just how hard it really is

[TF]

Hi Stevie,
I know I’ve been struggling myself but when I was stronger, I used to ask myself “what ever the amount you win today, is it worth losing your wife and daughter for?” It helps if you know you love them and they love you. And it is a bit like going on a diet (but much harder I know), it’s always harder to start the recovery than it is to keep it going. I’ve joined this forum, so if not for myself, then perhaps I can help someone else…I set an alarm to go off every day with a reminder “promise to (insert name)” and usually that helps me get over the finishing line.
I scared myself sh*tless today with the stint I pulled and because Casumo are making so difficult to withdraw my funds (care about responsible gambling my arse, their policies clearly intend for punters to lose it back before they get a chance to withdraw), I actually have no money to gamble- nor for much else for that matter, even when I thought I’ve won I can’t spend it. Good luck
TF

[Stevie.g17]

Thanks TF is this the first time you’ve reached out for help then or have you just relapsed. I hope you can fight this disease with me and kick the habit for good. My partner and 3 boys like for most people are my entire world we have a lovely little home and careers, I think in a way by always paying my priority Bill’s and my partner not knowing the full extent of my issues ( I’ve learnt a horrible lesson that you become such a good liar and can hide your tracks ) been a great liar is not something in proud of but I have lied about my finances for so long but as I pay my half of the Bill’s it masks the problems.

My current issue is I have never suffered from stress/depression but now I’m withdrawing I’m seeing my stress levels raise slightly and then gambling comes to the fore of my mind. Inim pleased to say I haven’t gambled so far and I’m really proud the fear of letting everyone and myself down is keeping me going in would feel so dirty, but that been said I’m not blinded about the opportunitts that will present themselves in the days weeks and months ahead , I have a great social circle le within my family , pubs, eating eat, days at the horses weekend breaks etc etc etc this is when I will be tested to the fullest in the months ahead.

Thanks everyone who is still responding it is helping me greatly and I hope I can in time help others.

Steve

[TF]

Hi Stevie 

Sorry its taken me so long to reply, there’s been a lot happening in the last few days as you can imagine. I was up till 5am on Monday morning, having pretty much cleaned out my account (£900); in answer to your question, I think it scared me enough to reach out on the forum for the first time. Having relapsed so many times over the years, I had pretty much run out of ideas of how I was going stop not only this time, but for good.

I may not be accurate in my own evaluation but I think my gambling problem arose, ironically, out of money worries coupled with more than my fair share of greed, and an unhealthy envy of other people’s lifestyle. Sometimes I gambled out of boredom, but mostly it was a form of escapism (from high levels of work related stress) and stupidly, in defiance to my wife and daughter when we became a bit disfunctional as a family. 

My gambling had become pretty bad recently and I tried to convince myself that after a near miraculous comeback on a bookie roulette machine (I had won just over £3k), I was going to go out on a high, even to the extent I asked the cashier girl to ban me whilst I was up – it wasn’t her fault but because of all the crap you need to do for self exclusion, that never happened and within a week that money went back into their machines…and that turned into setting up an online account etc, leading up to the self-pity and self-loathing that always comes after losing big.

The good news is that in an effort to support you, I haven’t felt the need so much to bet since, it’s probably the first day since December that I didn’t go into the bookies! So despite being skint, I do feel grateful to have dropped by your post and hope you can draw encouragement from my posts too.

I’m falling asleep as I type so stay strong and I’ll catch up with you later.

TF

[Stevie.g17]

Hi TF firstly thankyou for your support and honesty , I know you’re feeling if self loathing and self pity so much, I really do hope this is the start of the end for you and we can support each other to really kick this habit for good. My days are long and hard without gambling but I keep remind myself everytime I leave the house just how much harder it is when i lose £500 in 30 minutes then have to sit around the family table eating tea and cracking jokes and appearing as if everything is ok but not knowing how I’m going to fill the tank up to get to work. I’ve hit rock bottom hundreds of times, I just hope you can avoid the bookies when you next have money also and can draw on these feelings, when I was skint it was always the last time until I came into money again and I would repeat the cycle trying to chase , 2 weeks before I started my journal I built upto £1700 from a £30 deposit and felt invincible the money would have sorted a few problems for me I spend it in my head over and over on what I could pay off but I never hit withdraw i kept saying one more gamble one more gamble I lost the lot in a toilet cubicle whilst out socialising I remember returning to the group and it was like everything was in slow motion I couldn’t believe yet again what I had done and the plans I had made , the worse thing is that didn’t stop me it was 2 weeks later when my story began as I stated above.

We really need to do this , my fear and drive of relapsing is totally keeping me going i could relapse right this minute if it was upto my brain, but the fear of coming this far and receiving all these comments and the trust my dad has placed in me is spurring me on, if I was to relapse I would have no where else to turn and would self destruct as I see this as my escape and my sanctuary if I mess it up this time i wouldn’t be able to start over I would go another 16 years through this same horrible cycle. 

We can certainly help each other it’s a must but we also have to help ourselves. We must remember ourselves at our lowest , we may relapse and win a big win and feel invincible as I did often but remember this feeling right here right now and it would come back around no doubt and worse.

The cravings and desperation to feel the hit one more time scares me daily there there almost every day currently . But let’s smash this and let’s enjoy not just a 5 minute high from a win , but enjoy every day. 

Hope you are well and I look forward to hearing how you are getting on.

[Stevie.g17]

Learning to ignore the cravings and desperate feelings of needing to feel the hit and the sound of the roulette ball more and more daily now , it’s still hard but fear is driving me I know this is it and my only shot to stop . As i know i i relapse i will self destruct , interestingly I am no longer focusing on past losses which I used to chase as a excuse to gamble and justify it, I am now concentrating on the future and to let it go.

I feel I’ve come so far already but I’m not fooling myself I have a lot further to go. Thanks everyone who still reads and encourages me it is much appreciated. I will check in daily if possible.

Let’s do this

[Steev]

I’ve recently retired and have been watching people working – earning money as I used to do. Except I took that money and put it in a metal container with spinning wheels on front that (mostly) someone else emptied. Or handed over to someone in a suit in the hope I would get more back – which rarely happened.

The losses I chase now are not the lost money, I let that go long ago. I chase the time I could have had with friends, seeing the world, making music etc.

When I was gambling I wasn’t only losing money, I was losing time for work, worry, searching for deals, setting up accounts. Life could have been so much simpler and more rewarding. It is now – in my 60s. Don’t leave it as long as me to really live.

[TF]

Hi Stevie,

Passed an important milestone today. I parked my car outside a William Hill to buy food at the neighbouring chippy and to my surprise, I resisted the urge to go in. I think having someone else to share this recovery journey with has been key for me, it’s obviously helped to suppress my usual feelings of despair in the last couple of days and the inevitability of having no money to buy simple essentials such as lunch…I had a BLT today! I have a new confidence about my recovery at the moment and considering the extent of my problem just a few days ago, it’s near miraculous – I honestly thought the time had come again to break both my wife and daughter’s hearts for a third time!

I don’t say that lightly either…the first time was about eight years ago and even though I had lost £27k in a single night online, it can never match the sheer pain and disgust I felt hearing my 13 year old daughter ringing around all the local bookies trying to get me excluded, whilst choking back her own tears! That’s my reference point, my lowest point. Trouble is gamblers get complacent and forget those moments which helped them stop, and that occasionally results in a relapse.
I hope that sharing it with you will give you strength, I know you would fight till your dying breath to save your kids from a potential predator who meant them harm, this disease needs to be treated with equal contempt and disdain because unchecked, it too will rob you of your family’s happiness as it robbed my daughter of her childhood.

Take care buddy

Stay Strong
TF

[Stevie.g17]

Firstly congratulations on the milestone and u too agree having people to share this journey with is making it bearable for me. I had a milestone of my own today obviously some people will never get to know the extent of my problem as I dont want it to interfere with things like my job where I have always kept it separate to my addiction but a colleague who to there credit doesn’t know the path I’m on was willing me to back Manchester United at 50/1 tonight when they were 3-1 down, it was all banter and a long shot but I said I didn’t have my bank card and laughed it off , of course they won and in the past I might have had £20 on it just for the crack, was I guttered I didnt win tonight no not at all it would have been lost somewhere else I didnt give it a second thought which I cant describe how good this step feels as just the other week I would have maybe won on that then visited casino on way home as I’d won or spent the night on my phone on the slots so I’m chuffed with my outlook now and I’ve felt the most positive I have since stopping.

Secondly that’s deep stuff mate and I’m glad you aren’t going to break your familys heart again . Thanks for sharing , I dont know what I would do was I to lose my family I’ve been with partner since we were 19 I’m 30 now and have 2 sons I have played over in my head what it would do to me but I still gambled but now knowing and hearing others stories in here I could have lost it all and then I would have been in a real downward spiral it possible could have been the end , I have finally realised how close I was to that been a reality and knowing if I am to go back into that life of throwing my money down the drain I will possibly definitely lose them . I know now I’m not willing to let that happen. 

We can do this stay strong 1 day at a time but we can and will do it. Let’s reach more milestones 🙂

[Stevie.g17]

Thanks for the comment steev and advice , I really feed off success stories like your own and I’m glad you are now enjoying your life, I mean this in the greatest respect but I dont want to be in the shoes you were in and I’m going to continue to be strong and beat this every day,  I can forget about the money I have lost , my thought process currently is carry on winning the battle and to also protect my own children and look for the warning signs as they grow up to make sure they dont suffer the pain and misery I have done since my youth.

Keep going strong mate and enjoy every day gamble free

[TF]

Hi Stevie

Just watched the highlights after reading your post, wow what a comeback! Even though they’re my team, I never bet on Utd since the last time I did a few years ago they lost!

Love conquers all, shortly followed by Ole!

[Penulis]

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