[Monica1]

Hi all

Well, the second 200 days speak for themselves, a difficult time with ill healhh, destitution, lack of everything and the GMA programme.

Batling with two committal to prison proceedings for debts and the worst New Year ever, alone with crippling stomach cramps.

I am not going to focus on how awful it all was, because it truly was.  One of the few positives, aside from this site, has been that the anger has largely gone and

been replaced by a growing faith and relationship with Jesus.

Right at the end of the second 100 days culminated in a job offer, which I accepted.

I havent been able to post because my Ipad wont charge, using my pc to write this, which has now stopped blocking the site as my license expired for the blocker

and they dont make it any more (Optenet). I have missed the site and my friends. It isnt quite the same sitting in my cold front room on the pc.

I took a risk accepting the job as I was still signed off sick until early April but I had to, I could not go on like I was at all, it was soul crushing.

I didnt know if my health would hold out, the journey there and back is 5 hours which I have to do until I can afford to stay locally. On the 1st day I awoke

with a sore throat, chest and problems with my bladder which I have not had since I was 19. I wasnt motivated but decided I had to power through which I did

and made the three days. On day 1, I had a 20 minute uphill walk through the park to the railway station and I was so breathless I thought I would have a heart attac.

I cut down the cigarettes from 20 to 7 per day and by day 3 I could walk up the hill without being completely out of breath.  Just goes to show how when we are completely

out of shape, it doesnt take too long for the body to get stronger.

Today I am tired with a sore throat as I got lost in the rain yesterday and got soaked.  I have signed off universal credit but had to use

part of the rent money to make the fares. I am going to persist and going to rest now as I need it.

I had my counselling session and said that I could not go to Poulstone on the 19th March as my focus has to be on the job and recovery. In fact the rest of this year,

my focus will be on physical mental, emotional and spiritual renewal.

 

 

 

    

 

 

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, Good to see you posting. Wow! 5 hours a day in travel time is a lot! I do admire your persistence in making it into work. It will pay off for you. I hope you can rest up and feel better soon. You should be proud of yourself. You’ve journeyed though a lot and you’ve never given up! That says a lot about your good character. Get better soon.

[i-did-it]

Great to see you back Monica

Do you like the job?
Or have you been well enough to decide ?

I guess work is money and money is freedom, yet work doesn’t feel anything like freedom.

I hope you are enjoying the weekend
Xx

[kin]

Dear Sister Monica,

Thank you for sharing your recovery journey with us. You have set a very good example for us to follow.

My health has not been perfect too. I was a physical, mental, emotional, spiritually and financially bankrupt person when I tried to recover from addiction. Reading your story remind me of mine and the many challenges and problem I still faces today. It was tough and so full of imperfection.

Imagine the pain and stress from the physical illness, the long term depressed feeling from the mental and emotional illness, the huge debt and poverty in my life, the impair judgement and poor moral values I had. They are a constant trigger that threaten me to act out my self-destructive behavior.

They causes me great discomfort to stay stop or total abstinent. You have shown great spiritual strength in pain and suffering. It was so easy for anyone to crumble under all these weight and just find a quick fix, relief and easy escape.

What you have achieve in total abstinent for more than 200 days is awesome!

Thank you for this wonderful and honest testimony, that we cannot do this on our own. Praise God for helping us do what we cannot do for ourselves.

 One baby step at a time, sister. Amen!

[Monica1]

Thanks all. I hope to be posting more soon and to be able to post on others threads. My focus has been on the job and the rather long day. I was unwell over the weekend, sore throat and chesty, having got caught out in the rain. Lemsips, green tea and vitamin C are clearing it out quite quickly. In fact, it feels like I am on a physical rehab programme with a 20 minute walk uphill at 6.20 in the morning and then again on the home run. I smoke only 5 cigarettes a day now from a 20 to 30 day habit. The breathlessness going up the hill is encouragement enough to stop which is the direction of travel. I dont smoke at all from 6.20am to 5pm. This is unheard of for me and i think some of the hell I went through is directly tackling my addictive behaviour. I relate well to Kin, most of my bohemian life it would seem that anything goes, as long as it doesnt harm another but really i think we need the old ways of living that christianity teaches us as a moral guide and compass to life. This is a 360 degree turnaround for me.
My son lent me the money to get to work until payday.
I got the outcome of my work capability assessment today. Dont know what you have to do to get points but my score was 0! Meaning I am fully capable of work and not entitled to anything aside from the starvation pittance. . I think nearly everyone gets 0 and they have to appeal. My view is they can stuff their nonsense…..

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, Glad to hear that you’re feeling better! That’s awesome that you’ve cut back on your smoking. I chose to stop 7 years ago and that was only because I had a heart attack and surgery. I’ve been told that just cutting back helps your health. How is the job? It will be better once you can mmm ove closer. Wow, you have a long day with the traveling. I like your determination. It’s hard in the US to get any disability pay or assistance. I’ve heard of it taking years to get approved. Really sad that people go hungry. I’ll never understand that!! Take care.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
As usual I am filled with admiration for you.
You never gave up and you never undervalued yourself and this has paid off.
You are now in work and your whole world is changing .
You have had this horrible experience but you have also experienced the generosity of your children, made a decision about your partner – you have learned some very hard lessons about our welfare system and how difficult it is to overcome poverty.
Despite all you are back in work and have a great future .
You have inspired me and instead of giving up on career and drifting into retirement feeling unfulfilled , I now know it is altogether possible to take on the world at any age !
You are truly inspirational !

[Monica1]

Well, the brain doesnt work quite as well as it did a year or two ago. Learning new things takes longer and I have a tendency to forget something someone has told me the day before. ooooer. .Going to get some brain vits over the weekend. It has been a difficult few days getting up at 5.30am and back at 7.30 to 8pm. Today I nearly buckled but what is the alternative/ Abject Poverty thats what. Get first pay mid week next week.
Got my photo done for my id and I asked them to make it a bit hazy lol. Which they did. I now dont look too bad for an old bird. Will post more and do group over the weekend. It is all I can do right now to eat, sleep, work.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, When you get your first paycheck you will be so happy! It would have been easy for you to fold with all of your traveling time and not feeling well. If you can get through that, you can do anything! I’m so happy that you’ve found a job and see a way out of your situation. Things are looking up!

[velvet]

Hi Monica
I am sure your programme of eat, sleep, work will settle down as you sashay gently forward into a routine – I say this even though I am a stranger to routine!
Taking in new ideas and working practices, finding out who is who and what is what and even where the loo is can tax the little grey cells when they haven’t been working at full strength for any length of time. Such cerebral activity is tiring and can be demoralising at the beginning – I remember wanting to walk away in the early days of starting a new job but as things normalised I usually found I loved what I was doing – and of course the pay packet always helped soften any misgivings.
It is nearly the weekend and you are doing well – believe in yourself and your work colleagues will believe in you too.
Velvet

[Monica1]

Well, reality bites. I have had my second ocular migraine in a week,when I had not had one for nearly a year. I can no longer stare at spreadsheets. It has been a trigger in the past for ocular migraines and In the aftermath I get a number dyslexia so this is is something I know I can no longer do. I don’t really like the job either, it,doesn’t play to my strengths, only my weaknesses doing stuff i really don’t like to do. The five hours travelling a day is also way too much.
But I guess I will have to persist. I have already decided to look for a part time job.

[Monica1]

Woke up feeling a little overwhelmed after having troubling dreams the past couple of nights which I think echoed something that came up in my counselling sessions related to one of my greatest fears. But I got into action. Looked at my problems and called both my sons. Both are doing well which I am really am so pleased about. My eldest, Ben, has been made team leader on his latest job. Both work away from home, just like their mum. My middle son, Kai, the computer genius, is coming over tomorrow to see if he can help with some of the thingsI have been asked to do at work which my brain can’t get around. I have decided to persist for as long as possible as the alternative doesn’t bear thinking about. It is t long until Easter, now so I must keep going until then.

[Monica1]

My smoking has increased to its usual levels this weekend probably owing to the general stress I am feeling with a little bit of panic thrown in. Well, at least I did 5 to 7 cigs a day whilst at work. On my first day someone came up to me and asked me to move my coat as she was allergic to,cigarette smoke and she could smell it on me. So I did and made sure I didn’t smoke during the day to upset her.
Pete has just said that the church are going to try and help him find somewhere to live, they said it would be difficult with bailey as well but they are going to try. I said that I cared about what happens to him and that would never go away. I genuinely mean that. He said he cared in the same way too. He acknowledged that we both needed to move,on but didn’t want to talk about it.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica I see I missed you in group . I’m happy to hear your sons are doing well and unsurprised to read that they are so willing to help you – you have raised good kids ! New jobs bring new challenges – it’s not easy, but if you can persevere things might feel easier in a few weeks. I guess by our age we should have found healthier ways to manage stress – me -I eat my way through it , occasionally supplementing my eating with alcohol. I guess it’s better than gambling my way through it . Life doesn’t get easier – work seems harder , life seems harder. I just keep reminding myself that I am fortunate to have a well paid job. If I had lived my life differently, I would have more choices now – so I guess that’s just the way it is . I keep reminding myself, but myself doesn’t hear ! Lol. I am so glad you are in work Monica – a few pay cheques and you will have more options also – if you are unsure about the job keep looking for other work- it is horrible when work invades our weekends – we need them ! You get paid soon – what are you lost looking forward to buying? Let me guess – gorgeous food ? Hope to catch you in a group over the weekend . You can still go to groups the old way “view as list ” and access extra groups so maybe we could arrange to meet . Keep posting !!

[Monica1]

We always think along the same lines. I have been playing games on my iPad. That is my distraction. I was thinking about what is healthy escape before I came and posted on here and saw your post. When we are tired and overwhelmed with worries. Being active doesn’t seem to cut it as my issue is I have e been too active and Need a rapid mental and physical pick me up from exhaustion. So what is healthy escape.? Ideas please. I think we need to be distracted from those things that cause us anxiety but what? I don’t drink alcohol but.clearly smoke more when troubled.
I have been fortunate that the money my son ga ve me to get to work ensured I would eat also. My friend who has cancer has returned to work part time. She used anti cancer diet and homeopathy which has dissolved the tumour.
Also as an update idi, with my sister and the 20 evictees, they have all joined forces and their mp is now involved. Fight the good fight!
I will try group later at 10 and 12,

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I was messaging Lizbeth at the same as you and when I posted I saw your reply.
It seems our posts were kinda on the same theme – telepathically linked as usual .

[finding_laura]

Good to see IDI here supporting you and now you back supporting her. I’ve been so busy with getting over surgery, car shopping, and just every that I haven’t been on for a while.

There are so many who just barely survive due to their circumstances. I’m hoping your body lets your get through this return to work so the pay cheques start coming in. Are you committed to stay through a signed contract or if something better comes up can you leave? I always just see if there is something more positive to come. Even if it is a contract, there will be others, and better ones!

I’m really happy your boys are there for you, as any good son should! You must be so proud of them and your heart fill with love!

Cutting down on the smokes is a good idea. Go for a couple walks on the weekend. It would fill some time and who smokes and walks? Don’t answer lol Silly thing to fill time, what about old fashioned puzzles on a kitchen table? Find them cheap in thrift stores.

Treat yourself to items to give yourself a lovely bubble bath with a couple candles and use your lovely creams.

Baking? Use your first check to buy some things to make your suppers for the week that you can freeze, cooking them would keep you busy for a while on a day off.

Go to a show with a friend. Most of these things take a little money. But hopefully you’ll have a little soon.

I used to smoke and had a similiar coat situation. Now that I don’t smoke I can smell it as well. Don’t know if you can hang your coat out to air a bit and keep it in a plastic bag at home if you smoke inside. Clothes we wash but coats don’t get freshened as often. And hopefully the complaining co-worker is statisfied.

Hugssss Monica. I’m sure you’ve had a long day. Relax, hopefully you had a good supper.
Laura

[Monica1]

Thanks Sara, idi and laura. I appreciate your posts.
I was massively triggered by a conversation with my son on Monday who said that I will be cured when I can gamble responsibly. He is playing very high stake poker games and is entering a million live tournament shortly. This conversation bothered me a lot.
Today I resigned the job. The five hours travel was taking its toll. I have had 3 ocular migraines in a week with dyslexic after effect when I had none for a year. I did not like the work or the people who were unhelpful and unsupportive, and life is way too short. I did the right responsible thing and emailed them first thing. Luckily it was mutual and I don’t have to work my notice. Needless to say I am devastated by this but accept it. I have spen 20 quid on computer games but not gambled. I feel,exceptionally drained. Pete isn’t speaking to me now and I feel somewhat bereft.

[Monica1]

I realise how the stress of the travel and the strain of a job that was well paid but not right for me is triggering me plenty. I feel drained and stuck but not broke as got 3 days pay yesterday and had a nice Thai meal today. I had a psychic reading this morning which is something I lost belief in a long time ago and have not had one in years. but I felt quite desperate with the uncertainty of everything, I needed to know that things were going to be Ok. She said what many people say, that I am meant to be a healer, hah not like I haven’t tried …. she also said that my energy isn’t right and that the job was wrong for me. She said I was a wide open empath who felt everything, she wasn’t wrong there either, she also,said that a job would appear in late May which would be a supportive environment. I now have to ring universal credit and let them know.
It 8s like I keep trying and it keeps going awry but I hw e to take the good, I could not have survived this month without going to,work. Now I,owe my son a few hundred quid for helping me to go to,work.
I also learned this week from Kai, my middle son, that my eldest plans did not include moving in with me, he is actively seeking a flat with a friend of his he used to live with. This has also thrown me into disarray and I will need to have a conversation with him.
At least I have been adult enough to quickly,admit defeat with the agency and the job, I faced it and a difficult conversation with the agency. They were paying me less than the previous person who held the job and they also charged me 50 quid a week for the privilege of weekly pay. I wanted to terminate with the agency as well. Best to stick to ones guns. The problem is it all makes me wonder where I should be and what I should be doing, Am I decrepit? Pete says no, some 33 year olds look more haggard than me, but I am feeling it, boy am I feeling it, I tried, I really tried,so hard. It was so tiring and the job and people were not nice. I think idis idea of a charity
Is a good one. Deep,inside I know I don’t want to go back to the old working life, trouble is it’s so well paid ….

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, You will find a more suitable job. There was too much traveling involved. I don’t know how you were doing it! You must have been totally exhausted every evening. You’re not decrepit! Far from it! That wasn’t the job for you. Can you find a part time job to start with and closer to home? Just thoughts. Get some rest!!!

[Monica1]

You are right, the job was not for me. Strange how we just don’t fit in at all in some places. The people wouldn’t speak to me after the first day or so. Literally nothing went right, caughta cold first weekend, and it was like I was treated like an outsider. Confirmed by email that it is mutual termination,which is good because it means i dont have to go back but will be paid for my time.
And yes, part time close to home is the way to go.

[i-did-it]

Monica , life is too short to be miserable. He job and the travel
Wa s clearly making you ill and he fact you felt like an outsider shows it wasn’t right for you .
You will have a good pay check coming which will help .
Part time is a great idea- you can have good health and an income.

The great things about agency work is that you can use it on your cv and it is expected to be temporary .
I personally felt that the lady who said about your coat was extremely rude and unwelcoming .
People often use the concept of “assertiveness” to cover up bullying behaviours . I read an article on his once.

A few years ago I took extra temporary work – it was horrendous and I hated every minute because one person decided they were put out by my presence there. (I was a little too good for their liking !).
Eventually they did something which revealed their behaviour , and miraculously got warned about their behaviour !

I do remember however that it was a horrible time in my life and no job is worth it !

Keep strong – and your son is right about when we can control gambling – the problem is we are addicted so that will be …. never !!
Xx

[i-did-it]

Sorry Monica – wrote that in a hurry on my broken phone – excuse it as the edit function no longer works in the site (on phone anyway )!

[Dunc]

Hi IDI

Ive created a form that should allow me to test issues and find soloutions

Could you complete this please https://www.gamblingtherapy.org/en/report-technical-issue

Many Thanks

Harry

 

[Monica1]

To be quite honest lost *****. Very tired today. Not sure what the way forward is. What happened was a blow really. It wasn’t a temporary job per se but a contractor job in the field I work in which is a small world. I feel at a loss.

[Monica1]

Just got paid early, a weeks pay. I have had 8 days pay thus far and it amount to two and a half months on benefits. I am using some of it to make an appointment with a homeopath. My pc monitor is blank and can’t get a visual on it. Feels like my life at the moment.

[Monica1]

Well slept most of today and still feeling tired. My friend with cancer texted me and said I should update my linked in and she would recommend me to her agency. She was trying to pigeonhole me and said that my only skill was in the narrow field I work in. I said it wasn’t. When I asked her not to be bossy and act like my mother she said I was my own worst enemy with a bad attitude, ungrateful and behave like I am the only person with problems. I said she had no idea what I am going through which she doesn’t and terminated our friendship asking her not to contact me again. I really mean it. Like I need friends like that. I managed to get an appointment with the homeopath on Monday. My brain is still foggy.

[Monica1]

You can think positive thoughts till the cows come home and it will not make a difference to reality when reality is what it is. I think of it like this, when someone is dying and maybe has a few days to live, you can say all the positive things you like and it makes no difference to what is. You can even believe them to be true. We can only work with what is and take it from there.
What is for me
I have some health issues, new ones having gotten over the old ones! I am seeing what I can do to help these but cannot even consider working till my brain fu cations properly
I have ended a relationship with an l,d friend cos all it was doing was not understanding me and where I am but trying to force me into who I used to be. As she said to me the other day,I want you to be back who you were. So do I but I am not there.
I have some money and am not destitute, now that is an improvement. The Lord sure works in mysterious ways. That job was never meant to be but it did provide some much needed income.
Soon I will have to take a reality check as to what is possible. I have changed, I know that. Part of recovery has been about being real and authentic so when I work I am environment that isn’t and is fake I don’t want to do it. It is like I can’t be fake any more.
It feels like things are leaving me and I know that God always replaces things when things move out of our lives. I w dear what that means. I feel alone with all this. I need to just let go I guess.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
You said it – you are in a much better situation than you have been for a long time . Can you make a conscious decision to give yourself the weekend off (which is so much easier said than done ) and just enjoy the sense of having a bit of money – go to a coffee shop with a book and chill. ? You deserve a break from it all. Having said that I know how difficult it is to switch off from worries.

Monica I cannot stand when people who play the “I have it worse than you ” game . You are not the same – none of us are. This addiction has damaged more than our bank balance . Your friend has been dragging you down for a while. We are all adults and do not need to be told how to live our lives or how we should be – so well done on your assertiveness and ability to make that decision to end the friendship.
I have worries at the moment – the usual mummy ones and the difficulty in coming to terms with being a “has been ” in work. It hurts , it invades my mind a lot and it is making me a tad bitter as I watch social grouping take priority over ability and experience – but it is what it is . I keep telling myself I am so lucky to have a well paid job and I try to see the bright side.
Now my situation is nowhere nearly as bad as yours is/ has been but never once did you fail to understand or offer support over my issues . Your friend has not afforded you that support . We can find enough people in life to drag us down- (not so long ago I had horrible experiences on this site !!). None of us need that kind of support .

My advice (and it is only advice ) is take use whatever it takes to get by nicely without putting in too many hours- as for the debts – stuff them! (Easiest way around them!)
Your friend ( ex- friend ) is so wrong – we all have transferable skills and you have so many !
The right job will come along . The last job maybe was sent along to help you consider whether you want to work full time again.
You deserve the very best life has to offer !
Xx

[Monica1]

Idi, you are right as you usually are. It hurts to end long friendships but this one had really run its course. I went into the 10pm group and wAited till near the end. We will meet up in group soon.
Sara, you havent offended me at all. I am just very reflective on things and I guess my inner nature could be called a seeker of truth and that is my truth on positive self talk. There are many people who practise positive self talk in making the,selves wealthy and they stay poor. It is all much deeper than that. I am 12 years post menopausal but hitting 60 seems to have profoundly affected my energy.
Idi, you are correct about debts. I have been left alone for a while by creditors and bailiffs probably cos they can’t do anything to someone my age and deemedtobe vulnerable, and yes, I do want to work part time now.
Petehas just come in and I am pleased that someone is lending him some money for a flat. He said he will help me tidy my bedroom tomorrow which is nice. We do still care a lot about each other.
Oh and idi, on the work,situation I know how you feel but don’t feel that is correct for you, I think you can do what you like, remember I only started do doreally well at 53. I feel that my best days at work are behind me although I would love to be proved wrong on that issue.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, You outgrew your friend and was wise to end the friendship. She was dragging you down and wanted you to be someone your not anymore. A bit like the friend that I ended my friendship with. I really think our energy level dwindles when we turn 60. Watching my Granddaughter all day kicks my butt!!! I feel as I’ve gotten older that I have no need for drama or fakeness. Maybe we’re at the point where we just want to be around authentic people. I hope you get some relive from the homopath. The part time job will come. Take care.

[Monica1]

Your support has helped me today. I wondered how my friend would see it, probably that I have gone down the drain…. the slippery slope and my own worst enemy. Resistant to her wonderful Support and that she was trying to help. There was something so strange in our conversations that I felt what she was saying to me was actually mirroring herself. The conversation wasn’t pleasant. In the gma programme we look at the inner talk, parent, child etc and she was definitely the overbearing parent. I haven’t had one of those in my life. I always react to bossy. I don’t like it. It pushes my buttons. There are better ways of influencing decisions or changing ones behaviours.
Still feeling tired and have a cough again from the cold and getting soaked but it isn’t as bad as last time. I think maybe cutting down on the cigs so radically might have been a trigger for the cough. Going to have a long soak in the tub with Epsom salts today.
I think in recovery we really do have to take it one day at a time.
I know idi when you talk about our work, there is a time when we look at ourselves, ie this is as good as it gets. It is a disappointment in some ways and we feel the big win will solve it all. It wont. It might make life easier in some ways ie better to be miserable and rich than miserable and poor but it won’t change our issues and demons. Pre cancer and it is now nearly seven years ago, I was positive and care free, on the upward rise in the worldly sense and then a big freefall through gambling. But I genuinely do not feel you are at that point in your career.
I have really changed during this recovery period and yet I don’t know the way forward. It is like being reborn in a way, when everything that we were going to do ie for me the colour therapy, in retirement, no longer holds any truth for me. As I spent years training in it, that is just so weird and I wonder what the point of it all was. Reflective as ever….

[Monica1]

Literally within 1 minute of journaling my uncertainty I look at my daily emails from rick warren which says that god knows all your faults, fears, frustrations and dreams and he also knows your future. Nothing can surprise him. God knows exactly what you need as he has seen what you are going to face and will provide for,you. So,daily ask him for the strength for the day to walk with us. I often find the answer to a question when I get these daily emails. I during my life I have lost faith and one of the hardest things I find to do is to trust when all seems uncertain.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I have been looking up colour therapy and don’t quite understand it – I think it is shining different coloured lights on different parts of the body .
Recently I have taken more of an interest in this kind of stuff – I have been thinking that Christians always assume that this is not from God but in the bible it clearly tells us that God made light. I am rethinking and I feel that God might just as easily have intended us to use this light to help others as not .

Colour therapy I feel is very real – excuse my simplistic view here but who isn’t uplifted by the bright yellow light of summer ? How many of us feel blue when the duller winter sunlight is filtered through the clouds .

I’m not sure why you are not still intending doing the colour therapy – is it for religious reasons, or does it no longer light your fire .
You talk about being reborn and think for differently – I am starting to understand that many Christians pick and chose from the bible – some parts are the absolute word of God and some parts are their interpretation based on their gift of wisdom (or something like that ).

Colour therapy is one I could definitely buy into –
Look at how the lighting in a room can change the mood and in turn change how we feel..k

Remember as you read this I have no idea how colour therapy actually works in practice , but I do know how colour and light make me feel .

[Monica1]

Yes, idi, I agree re colours. The colour therapy I learned dives into other things like past lives anD uses the tarot in some of its colour combinations hence not wanting to practice it. I did metatronic healing which also uses colour sprays. I resonate more with this but how can I say any of it has been of any use when it led me into the abyss of this addiction?

[i-did-it]

Come
Back to group ?

[Monica1]

I will ***** the days up at some point, I actually think it is 223 today having got it wrong the other day.
Today, meant to be going to lunch with the grandsons down from Scotland but my son rang and they have to leave at 2 so we wouldn’t have enough time. The gasman came to check the central heating and like my son, the hour going forward on the clocks has put every one out a bit and off schedule.
My sister texts me and says she cannot make her bills and asks to borrow some money. I tell her the sorry story. She has been off sick with stress and has had three chest infections over the winter. Well, that beats my two by one. It has been a difficult winter here inthe Uk with many hospital admissions with respiratory problems, possibly the worst onrecord for the NHS. I intend to led my sister 50 quid even though I am about to embark on benefits again. The eviction at the end of April is still going ahead. It is a huge worry for her as the council have no properties. Let’s hope the localMP has some clout. For the life of me I cannot see my sister in a homeless B and B. Like me, that would finish her.

[i-did-it]

Monica, your poor sister! How absolutely terrible that she should be made homeless. Forget MPs – it’s time to shame these shameless people in front of the whole country – get the media involved! That was most kind of you to give her money especially when you have so little yourself.

Life stinks sometimes . Money is power and money is freedom…and it reminds me of how we threw ours away .
How mixed up life seems.

I hope you feel ok despite these worries .

[lizbeth4]

Monica, You are such a kind and giving person. Your Sister’s situation is horrible! It’s all about the money. So shameful that people are homeless and hungry everywhere in this world. Then there are governments and people who are money hungry and care about no one. It’s a scary world!!! I guess that any kindness we can bestow towards someone is going to make a difference.

[Monica1]

Thanks idi and Liz.
Well my son calls for me at 2 and we go and have a ginormous Sunday lunch (I had roast beef) with my granddaughter Lola, who is aged 14. She is very beautiful and also, like her grandmama bunking off school. So we have a one conversation about how not to see after the rest of the family and spend the rest of your life trying to get an education. The grandsons had to leave to return to Scotland so we missed them this time but we pledge to all go down to my daughters at the end of May together.
During a cigarette break, my sons calls an old friend of mine who I haven’t seen for 18 years. We fell out when I went with Pete and he said that he was shocked that I had gone with a black man… yes really. This friend had helped me when Ben was little and I was on my own in a tower block in the old,Kent road on my own with Ben. he was fundamental in getting Kai interested in electronics and fixing things. He had had an unrequited love thing going on for many years with me hence taking it so badly when I went with pete. It was very shortly after his mum died and I had met pete at the wake. So, a lot of history. It was such a rigmarole at the time. He told my sons that pete had taken me off at knifepoint and then an all points bulletin went out wit my family. It was crazy stuff but I fell in love,with pete from the first moment I met him. Dave is now aged 72 and incapacitated with a stroke, speech difficulties and has a carer. Ben left a message on his phone and I also followed with a nice message which w8ll give him a huge, but pleasant shock, I hope. Well, no one can say my life wasn’t boring until I got cancer.
It was a lovely lunch and I paid for it. yea!! It gave me great joy to do so and I gave my granddaughter a fiver. I don’t care if I don’t have much, if I can spare it my family gets it!

[i-did-it]

Great post Monica- yes your life is certainly interesting . I am not surprised so many fell in love with you – you are a great person!
It must have been a great feeling to pay for lunch and reassuring for your family.
Your post has me smiling – sometimes we get lost in life – and it takes us a while to find where we are meant to be.

Reading Your post once again reminds me that money is so essential for happiness in this life !
We need to do all we can to financially secure our futures .

I am so glad you had a great day!

[Monica1]

Thanks idi. I hope your day has gone ok, aside from you know what. Had to laugh when you say not surprised RE falling in love thing. I have now been single for six and a half years with not a jot of dating action. Maybe one day, but I don’t thonk so….

[i-did-it]

Aw got cut off – and couldn’t get back in

[Monica1]

I waited. Never mind, thanks for the chat, speak soon.

[finding_laura]

Hey Monica, I haven’t read back all the way so I’m sure I’m missing an update re job but will look back next chance I have to sit and be here.
You are gamble free, no matter what the journey will be! Has to make it better than it would be.
Re love, never say never! Maybe next time you’ll be able to allow someone in who is also a care taker. For some reason when we are the caretaker type we are more likely to pick people who need that. Not so good for us!
Take care Monica!

[Monica1]

Really good to hear from you Laura.
Today I tried to sign on with universal credit but their computers were down this morning and a half hour wait on the phone pm and I gave up.
This afternoon I went for my appointment with anenergy kinesiologist and homeopath recommended to me. Now if you ask me what happened I don’t have a clue. Kinesiologist test muscle reaction for what the body needs. My session was something about etheric integration and supporting my allergic reactions. Plus something about how my body doesn’t like stress hormones. Well watch this space.
Went for a nice bus ride through the city of London past St. Paul’s to get the train home. Appreciated the sunshine. Had a long and pleasant conversation with a lady at the bus stop about a vape she had as that is my next move re smoking. Still feel bereft without my pc as the monitor has packed up.

[Monica1]

Well. Signed on and decided to complain about the long hold times of half an hour which was also the case when I rang them at 8am this morning. Oh, how I hate calling these people, they repeat ten times, if you give us false i formation we will prosecute, and stop your benefits. it’s awful and having to listen to the ghastly Vivaldi four seasons whilst on hold. It really sickens me this ghastly ugly Tory system and I feel a sense of failure in calling them. I have a habit now of saying what I think and I told the man he did not have to repeat himself ten times with the above nonsense and that the sooner we get w change of government with their nasty system the better.
Lazed around today with a bit of a headache, possibly after consuming two cream cakes and two chocolate bars yesterday. Contemplating life, the universe then next moves. Really think it is part time work which really sort of makes me feel sad but I think that is the way forward. I feel a little defeated on that level. I shall pray for a brilliant highly paid part time job that is right up my street with great people and in a close location. I will wait and see how the powers of manifestation work with that one. With the sad tone, Listening to music that makes anyone cry, Lisa Gerrard, (gladiator, bridge scene of man on fire). Always makes me sob every time. on u tube… Denzel Washington has always been my favourite actor and Man on Fire the best film ever.
I texted my sister and asked whether I should go to the papers with her plight. I got the frightened rabbit response ie it would damage her chances of getting a reference for a private property. I mean, really, these people are going to get away with it. I am so cross about that but respect her view.

Private gma group cancelled tonight which is the second time. Cmon guys talk to the IT team. Last group was only set up for an hour when it should have been longer and I noticed this morning the group was not on the list. Bit of a relaxed attitude to these things at gma I have to say. Th3se groups are spread too far apart I think.
Anyhoo, that’s my journal for today. No huge urges but I still spend a little too much time plahing on my iPad and really. Know that this is my gambling substitute, I can’t ever gamble again. I know this in a deep way but I also know I have substituted. But am bored at home and my energy levels still are not right.

[finding_laura]

hey Monica, a lot of addicts substitute. I substituted GT and other support groups. I would spend hours posting and reading and chatting. At one time the chat was open 24 hours a day. You could still set up a time to meet someone. I knew that somehow it was healthier for me than gambling. I was lucky in that I also had one on one with a gambling addictions specialist every two weeks. Every week in the beginning when I was distraught. Between my GA group who thankfully were fairly modern and flexible and counseling I slowly began to have a healthier life without gambling and much less time online using support. Hopefully as you continue to introspect you will figure out a way to move away from the ipad addiction. At least it is relatively harmless! Warm weather will help I’m sure. You can start doing more maybe. Things that are out of the house.
I’ve always thought that there are many people in today’s society that have addictions to what I would call more sociably acceptable things. Like work. Workaholics often have a lot of money and quite often this allows them to keep the trappings of life that are admired even though it is not a healthy way of life. It is still more sociably acceptable.

Before my first surgery over a decade ago I was on the upwardly mobile rise in my workplace. Old enough that my kids were out of the young years but I was still only in my mid thirties. I look at those I was rising with and where they are now and I could get bitter about all I have lost. I work part time. And thankfully my job came with disability insurance so I get a small income from them as well. I will never have what I would have but I will be grateful for what I do have. When I was having an awful day physically I would think of the refugees from many countries who have lost everything and must deal with bad backs without the luxury of a good mattress or heating pad or tele to keep them entertained. I haven’t been able to manifest a new back but I’m trying to be grateful no matter what! But I have not dealt with hunger and unfortunately we can’t seem to manifest food out of thin air. It is good to stay positive but it has it’s limitations as well.

I’m sorry about your friendship. I know how that feels and it is awful to lose someone close by choice. You will never be the person you were before as you are forever changed by this.

I also read back re the job (as you can see by all my subjects covered lol). Being authentic seems to be what we gain from recovery. You’ve made some money to grocery shop, I’m thrilled! Now you need rest and immune support. Take care of you. Epsom salt baths are wonderful. Source of magnesium which all our cells need on the base level to function.
xo Laura

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, It seems like every time I make a call I’m pur on hold, told by the computerized system to push a certain number and have to wait and wait! Then when you finally talk to someone, they are rude or can’t tell you the info you need. So you’re transferred and wait again. So aggravating! I know the perfect part time job is out there for you and closer to home!!!! Oh, I ate a whole bag of chocolate chip cookies today. Lol! That’s why I don’t have sweets in the house. Have a good rest of your day.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
It was so nice to catch up in chat .
I love how positive you and Laura are – you are both so kind and non – judgemental – my heart lifts when I see you both your names pop up – and you both have common sense in bucketloads !
It has been a good night after all – I chatted to two friends I really value !
Xx

[Monica1]

Yes, chat was good last night. In response to laura, I have spent about 80 quid in 8 days on computer games. Not drastic but it is definitely a substitute which I will take up in my counselling session tomorrow. I do have some control over it. Thing is the ga me I play is very much goal driven and when I achieve the goals I am satisfied and stop. It is better than gambling cos that would involve everything in my bank account….. but still something I need to address. Talking about goals I have written a few more down for me today. A lot are around renewal of me… I do feel more integrated and stronger in my being. I have noticed a change which I can only put down to the kinesiology. Just more connected and stronger in my being. I have ensured I have enough for the next appointment by setting myself a budget for the next 4 weeks.
With no computer I had to go to my branch to transfer a small amount of money to my sister. Unfortunately all my passwords are on the pc and not the iPad. It was fresh after the rain and as ever, I enjoyed the sun when it came out. Feeling ok and keen to enjoy Easter. There are many things I could be anxious about but today I choose not to be.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, I think that setting goals for oneself is the way we grow! I had a anxiety attack last night over the money mistake but refuse to today. Im going to focus on my blessings instead. I love Easter. To me it’s the sign of spring. That was so kind and giving to help your Sister. You are a caring person. Have a good day!

[i-did-it]

Monica
We are so alike in many ways . We both jumped on Sarah’s lifestyle ! Lol .
In truth material possessions have never interested me much – don’t get me wrong I love clothes , hair and makeup even though nowadays I look like a I sleep rough .
My mortgage will take forever to pay and will ensure I cannot retire for an least a decade – although once again I dabbled in eBay .
Bought a dress in a charity shop and sold it for over thirty pounds profit – I know I could have a great instinct for business but feel trapped/ restricted by my salary ! I guess it’s a complaint many would love to have . Sara seems to have it sussed in terms of having a good life rather than possessions .

Hope we all meet in group soon xx

[Monica1]

Yes, we were both inspired by Sara! They also haven’t interested me either idi but I feel like I have missed out on something and maybe it is time for a change RE creating a nice space. I bet u do t look like you sleep rough lol, made me laugh.
I had my counselling gma session last night which was fine, agree I was moving in positive direction although yesterday I felt really tired. I have to watch the computer games.
I had a good day today. I was fiddling about with my computer not expecting anything and I inadvertently fixed it by sorting out a loose connection and then resetting it to an earlier time as there was a major windows error on it. Seems to have sorted it out.
Went and got my hair cut, four months since my son paid for a hair cut. Time is shifting so quickly. And then did a good shop in Tesco’s. Walked through park on way home in pouring rain and bumped into pete and the dog. Pete carried my shopping for me. Had some pleasant memories of my young days today, it was the rain and nature that reminded me of a pleasant situation that occurred when I was around 11. Better than the horrid stuff that comes up in early recovery. Feeling ok. Appreciating shopping for nice food which pete is cooking right now and just appreciating life in general.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, I’m happy that you had a good day! Sometimes it’s just the little things or pleasant memories that bring us joy. Enjoy the rest of your day!

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
That’s a great positive post .
It is uplifting to get your hair done by I feel I need to find the right hairdresser- maybe it’s just getting older but now when I leave the hairdresser I think “thats tidier ” rather than feeling I look great! Lol.
It’s great to be able to do the simple things like buy food – and cook it. Even going to the supermarket gives us a purpose.
Money is definitely the root of all evil – well the lack of it is.

Do you think you and Pete get along better now that you have voiced how you feel about living together ?
Enjoy today Monica and the feeling of having a little money .
Perhaps it’s a good time to get that business going ?

It was good to chat last night !

[Monica1]

Yes idi I know what you mean about hair, I said I was tempted to cut it all off cropped short as I too am fed up with tidy. She said wait till the summer. I have the same cut and colour year in year out.
Today a lot didn’t go to plan. I was meant to meet a GA girlfriend for coffee and then GA, a different meeting. but woke late but not too late. Then I realised that the train station was closed for 2 days, as it was at Xmas for engineering works. No way to get there that didn’t take hours. Why oh why do these idiots do this when people need to travel So had to very apologetically cancel. Then slept all day.
I have blocked the Facebook game where I pay to play, the only game I do, the rest are too boring. I realised that it is set up to be addictive just like the slots. So now it is blocked and I wont spend any more pennies playing.
My days are a bit up and down, ok one day and tired the next. My counsellor said it was a bit like gambling, up and down, but the jury is out on that one. Not sure about that. Surprised I can sleep for so many hours.
Ate well though.

[Monica1]

Today I decided to do what little I can to improve how I feel and look. Bought some eye drops for allergic eyes as I have realised after the docs drops for infection didn’t work that I am allergic I think to the dog hair. I have thought this before. My eyes felt fresher instantly. They are stuck together with a dry grit every morning. Also bought some Nicorette chewing gum and some Illuminating eye cream to try and do something about the deep shadows under my eyes. Every little helps I think. Pete said the fact I had only my 3 cigarettes in around 36hours doesn’t ***** as I spent most of it asleep. I think he is right really. As I didn’t want to go through withdrawal I chose to sleep instead. He cooked me quiche and beans for breakfast today which I appreciated.
I am very aware that I have to go all out to get a job. I could get signed off sick by my doc again but I really don’t want to go down this route. Destitution as it was for six and a half months is. It for me. My plans for renewal this year mean I must make some money as it all is going to cost quite a lot. I hope this comes together. There is always a part of me that says why bother. It is all downhill from now on. But I am ignoring that part and trying my best to recover from the destruction of this addiction. I am seven and a half months without gambling and my recovery has been fraught with difficulty and too slow in progress for my liking. But I must persist. I still cannot even address bankruptcy or the debts but I am grateful that for now it appears not to be banging down my front door.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
This is take two for this post – first one disappeared !

There is something called “dry eye syndrome” and it sounds very like what you have – you can get free eye drops on NHS for it . Here’s a link – see what you think .
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/dry-eyes/

Work is a necessary evil – I guess we have all backed ourselves into a corner and we all need to work our way out of it . It’s not the nicest reason to go to work but needs must- i so wish we could all put the clock back but we can’t . I find myself thinking could we do something like Sarah does- could you get a really good contract for three or four months and survive for the rest of the year on it ? You do seem to be good at managing your money .

Monica you have done brilliantly to achieve so much gamble free time – you still have that drive to succeed and it will ensure that you will get that great job you need .

Have a lovely day
Xx

[Monica1]

Thanks for your helpful post. Yes, I was diagnosed with dry eyes a number of years ago by my optician but I think the dog hair in my bedroom is making it a whole lot worse. Can’t do much about that as he is so used to sleeping and being in my room. Not sure what will happen when it is time for both the dog and Pete to leave.
Yes, I too was inspired by Sara and it is what I would aim for. My Health now needs the sun, exercise and part time working. There are better ways to live, of that I am sure.

[Monica1]

After feeling inspired by conversations with Sara, I am dismayed and a little scared to get hit with the intense cramps I haven’t had since the end of January, so bad I nearly faint and get heart palpitations. After about half an hour I realise I have anti spasm meds and take two.
Pete rings and comes home early. We try and work out the cause. He thinks i have been eating too much cheese. They come so out of the blue. Am I worried about anything? If I am honest the answer is yes, I don’t want to go back to where I was and my timesheet still hasn’t been authorised, 2 weeks on. Was going to do a few things today and now am completely stuffed as have to rest up.

[Monica1]

Pain has lessened but pete says to stay in bed and not to eat anything and goes out to buy some lucozade. Second witnessed episode. Back to docs I think tomorrow. This is such a pain. I really wonder what the cause is.
In bed I buy some flowers for my mums 84th birthday tomorrow. I really owe my mum. I told her on her 80th about my gambling problem. I was broke. We meant to celebrate and I still owe her for that. My sister wasn’t in the best of spaces then either. I pick a very nice basket of spring flowers to be delivered tomorrow.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I’m so sorry to hear about your pain- it sounds horrible .think back to what you ate and maybe write a food diary – I always think roast beef is really difficult to digest and I have trouble with it . It may be the cheese or something completely different . Nuts make me very very ill .
It might be something you haven’t considered although I guess at this stage you have considered everything .

I hope u feel better tomorrow -and I hope you get your money sorted –
Xx

[i-did-it]

Pa Happy birthday to your mum!

[Monica1]

Did my private group this evening with the girls from the programme which was fine. Unfscilitated this evening but it was fine.
Feeling washed out again. Yes, I will keep a food diary. Sara, you either have private health insurance here or it is the nhs. Not many have private health insurance. Lots of things are missed on the nhs. I have decided to wait a while Re docs. Can’t face it for now. Playing lots of computer games tonight which I do when slightly agitated. I thought I was getting a lot better but seemingly not.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, I’m sorry that you are in pain again. Too much dairy does that to me. Happy birthday to your Mother. Flowers are nice! Have you heard anything about your pay that is owed you? Hope you are able to get some rest. Take care.

[Monica1]

It may be the dairy and I will try and avoid it. Y3sterday I had pancakes with cheese and onion and then a massive live yoghurt with passion fruit. It triggered last night with bloating and discomfort and became full on today. It is pretty awful and lasts hours until colon empty. I am reasonably ok right now but I know something not nice happened today by my washed out feeling. Funny, I was never like this with dairy although I have always had a milk intolerance since I was a child. Cannot drink milk or even smell it without throwing up. Can we develop new food sensitivities later in life? I will ask the kinesiologist when I next go but three weeks to go till then.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, I developed a sensitivity to dairy products about 1 year ago and with spicy foods. I have to watch my intake. I think our digestive system changed as we get older. I hope you feel better soon.

[i-did-it]

Monica I used to love fruit and now get hives every time I eat them !
Hope u are feeling much better !

[Monica1]

Thanks Liz and Idi. Like you I was up till 5am and slept till 3 so missed most of the day. Went on a wild goose chase for missing money I transferred to my sister which ended up to be not missing, she had missed it. She is under too much stress packing her lovely cottage up with nowhere to go. My mum is disgusted with the Duke ofBuccleuch estate and said it would never have happened years ago. And you know what, she’s right.
I did, however, speak to my eldest son and my mum today. My mum had a good 84th birthday. She loved the flowers, had a lot of cards and texts and a litre bottle of sherry as a present. She has been waiting 7 months for an appointment for her eyes as she can barely see after cataract surgery that ran into complications a while back. Lost her referral as has mine got lost in the system for the upper GI appointment. My son has been at my granddaughters in Brighton decorating her bedroom and he bought her a laptop and is paying for drama lessons. Well done Ben. Lola doesn’t want to move back to London for the Brit school. Don’t blame her, Brighton much nicer.
I have a headache but have keptmy tummy empty for 24hours and just eaten a peanut butter sandwich. All calm thus far.
Life for me really needs to change. I can’t seem to get up in recovery and I have not had any any stability in my life since I got back from overseas in October 16. Enough is enough universe. It is time to be kinder.

[Monica1]

Thanks Sara
Idi and I seem to be in sync. I was up till 7am watching the commonwealth games but got up at 11am. If I want to look at things positively my time at home has been filled with sport what with the winter Olympics and the commonwealth games, something I would have missed while working. Twinges still in my tum from just one small sandwich yesterday. I decide to take the anti spasmodics on a regular basis. I go to the shops and wonder at the sunshine. Probably the sunniest day of the year.
I come home and decide to kick ass. Fed up with the wait for my appointment, I make a complaint about the process andam told there is a huge backlog in the service I have been referred to. I say it isn’t good enough so will now wait to hear. The process was messed up from start to finish. The nhs e referral service, a complete debacle.
I ring the agency re my timesheet and they are speaking to them shortly. They have replaced me with the guy who replaced me in my last job who I recommended and said was right for the job. What a small world, he follows me around everywhere.
I am now getting round to starting to clear my clutter, it is the next big job to do.

[i-did-it]

Yes Monica we are so in sync.
Maybe we both respond to that sunshine which appeared today . I also am clearing junk – lots of it !

It is great that you could help that guy with work – perhaps it will be repaid someday . I hope they pay you extra after among you wait so long !

It’s good that the anti-spasm medicine is helping . Perhaps his so the solution – can youtake it long term ?

I am tired now and I’m sure you are but I am going to force myself to stay up and force my body back into a normal routine… unless of course I fall asleep!

[Monica1]

Trouble counting.
Thanks idi, I feel a little tearful and emotional this evening. Just undercurrents. I think it is frustration with everything. Systems that are broken. Plus I got one copy of my refs from 14 and 2015. they were very good, the 2 jobs concerned were hard but very successful. It seems I can’t get myself back and that hurts me. It causes me real anguish. I want to feel like my energy is ok but it isn’t. I really struggle to move forward on a daily basis. The anti spasm meds do seem to be working which is a positive. When this thing kicks off I just cry cos it lasts hours.

[Monica1]

Had a sleep this evening as had pounding headache for second day. Realised the antispasmodics contain atropine which I am sensitive too. Use in pre op pre meds and when I was 19 realised I am sensitive to it. Had exactly same pounding headache and the only difference is taking the meds past 2 days. Don’t usually get headaches so it clearly that. Oh dear. Still a little weepy, just silentt tears. Whoever said in recovery life gets better was clearly mistaken in my case. The sudd en death of Eric Bristow, the darts legend just shows to me how fragile life is and how it could just be over in a second. Sometimes I really wonder why we bother being human.
Watching

[i-did-it]

OMG, we are so on the same page it is scary .
Today I was thinking if I got an illness would I take the treatment as would to really matter if I’m here for another year or 40? People will grieve a bit and move on .
Why bother ?

I also feel so low in energy too – I think it’s my vast weight – why do I eat all day and get fatter while others run to the gym? I am beyond lazy and even washing and dressing is now an effort .

I guess I still have work (which I hate – my much loved vocation has become a noose around my neck ).

So I guess this isn’t a very uplifting reply .”lol.

Onwards and upwards

[Monica1]

Doesn’t matter if not uplifting. To be honest, I prefer someone to be real rather than fake so it is ok to feel how we feel, except it isn’t if you know what I mean. Something major is missing from my life and I occasionally feel my faith but more,
often than not when stuck like this I don’t. It is hard to trust when we feel a void plus gambling has made me not trust myself and the intuitive messages I might get from my higher self. That is awful when we can’t always trust our intuition. I too am having depressing thoughts. I also know that I have health issues that need to be addressed. I,also know that western medicine and drugs have never served me well. I am sensitive to many western drugs and they always create another problem. Story of my life with it. Plus how many people on the planet expire because of drug errors or medications interacting with each other. I think it is a scandal that doesn’t get enough air time.

So I get up late after another late one with intermittent sleep and watching the commonwealth games. headache much reduced but still a little there and feeling very frustrated because my timesheet still hasn’t been authorised. The agency are just a bunch of unprofessional wide boys and I vow never to work,with them again.
I went for a walk through the park to the local shop and really puzzled at what to buy, as cheese is my daily staple. Everything I saw had icky cheese and personal loves ie cauliflower cheese, jacket potatoes yet I settle for,some roast beef for a sandwich plus peach slices. It was so hard to find something I like that isn’t cheese. I do succumb to a cream eclair though.
I remember that when I had spinal shingles in 2003, traditional Chinese medicine helped me a lot as it leaves you with a dreadful fatigue and neuralgia. I had no neuralgia after treatment with herbs and acupuncture and I got well very quickly. I think it will try it again.

[Monica1]

I am very sceptical of all of it really and that is after a lifetime of spiritual study. There are very few what I wou,d call gods messengers who are the real deal. One of them is conversations with god author Neale Donald Walsch, I have read all of his books. Prem Rawat is the real deal who says it is all within us and directs us within through meditation. I read eat pray love when it first came out. I liked the book and thought it was sweetin the fairy tale sense of sweet. Self,discovery is always good and as Neale Donald Walsch
Would say we are seeking to become the next grandest version of ourselves. Whatever that is. For me I no longer know what that is. I always did know up to the last few years and it is no longer that. I have met many bad healers with good intentions who cause more damage to expel than they know.

Anyways having said all that I had another late one and enjoyed watching the gymnastics and triathlons. Rather emvious of their fitness. I wonder what it feels like to have a really fit body…
I was surfing round channels and rather lethal on qvc they had one of my favourite clothes designerswhjch is joe brown largely,for their use of colour. Having, not spent anything on clothes for a year I bought around 4 items. Made me feel a bit better in that there are positive moves we can Make RE our self esteem and how we feel about ourselves. I have a long way to go on that particular journey as there are many things that need fixing with me physically.
Within an hour today of arising had an ocular migraine triggered again by a computer screen and the light reflection. It is wasn’t bad. Still have to get up and start clearing my clutter. Denise Linn, another authentic new age writer is ofthe view that doing this is one of the best things we can do for ourselves,

[Monica1]

Made me smile the willy nilly comment. Joe Brown not to everyone’s taste but I love their use of colour.
I get so many emails RE law of attraction, attract abundance etc. I have felt for a long while now that I hve to surrender my life to God, which is very different to being the Co creator, w,though Neale Walsch will tell us in this world of duality the opposite can be equally true. One thing I know is that the universe, or god, of higher self, orhowever we see our higher power is far smarter than me and it knows what we require at any time. When I needed to get well after cancer it sent me a fab job by the sea, and I did get well. But I did t learn and made the same mistakes RE gambling at home on the weekends and now I am paying a hefty price. Patterns repeat in life until we drop them and learn something. For us gambling addicts I believe the learning is on a very deep level. I have been saved in my life at 23 and it was nt through the Christian religion but it was very real so I do believe that god has many messengers. This was through Prem Rawat. Because of my experiences with bad healers while learning the art, I now only trust in Jesus as the master healer. I have kind of been there done that but struggle to heal myself. Monochrome colours are very nice and tasteful but I love colour in a wardrobe, what colours are your favourites?

[Monica1]

Thanks Sara, there is more on Wopg.org on Prem Rawat. Wopg is words of peace global. Basically, he gives the tools to go within and experience peace. I have t seen him for probably the longest gap ever since I first saw him aged 23 and unfortunately local events just stopped a few years ago. I used to present and it coincided with this awful addiction getting its grips into me. I would see him globally at least twice a year.
Yes, I can’t wear red either, but it’s a lovely colour so I wear red shoes instead which I think really flatter the feet. Joe Browns is lovely in their use of colour and sense of fun in their clothes. Nice to talk about something other than the awful situation I have put myself in through gambling.

[Monica1]

went for a walk in the rain and stillness of the park. Don’t mind walking in the rain on a bad hair day… Meandering mind and I was reflecting on whether I would come back to this planet again. The answer aside from no, would be that the circumstances would need to be right or else forget it buddy… why do we come to the planet anyway, why would we? Answers on a postcard.
There would need to be robots who could do all the menial tasks, cleaning etc cordon bleu cooking, act as a companion when required
Teeth would have stem cells that would justregrow when you lost one. Dentistry would move out if the Middle Ages.
All healing would be energetic and painless, trauma would be eradicated
The right foundations would be there in the first place so that we could fulfil our potential, solid loving parents. We would all have mentoring in the skills and talents we have plus emotional support as and when required.
There would be no loneliness allowed for anyone.
Just meandering today…… and just stuffed two cream cakes. 8 had lost a bit of weight again but filling out my jeans a wee bit more now. Weight up and down according to how the guts are functioning.

[finding_laura]

Hey Monica, sorry to hear of your stomach agonies! I hope you figure this out.

So, not sure where i read (it was regarding someone who had two near death experiences) that for some of us our purpose here is to help those we love (entities that we know on the other side and do not recognize here) grow / learn / change. A sacrifice of sorts. Maybe that is just a comforting thought and it is just so much more b. s.

My health hasn’t been the best of late. But reading your and IDI’s thread has led me to push myself a little today and tackle some paper work. One project done. It’s a favor for family. I have stuff of my own to take care of but I had to help and therefore worth it. I also did a little cleaning as my hubby is having a down day. Funny how I understand and step in to make things go smoother. Supper being prepared, dishes being washed up and kitchen tidied. Not quite finished but i’ve had enough of that kind of activity for one day. Quick coffee while I ice my back and then I am going to try and get out for my little walk. Problem is I’ll be exhausted and in bed for the night right after supper. Also need to dig up the courage to shower and sort a load of laundry. Someone will thankfully do it for me. Sorry moping a bit! I know you have a lot of your own health issues and sometimes it’s tough to dig out from under them. I guess we can only do our best. Well done on taking more steps Monica. Shutting down the unhealthy game. Thinking I should just delete the apps i’m mindlessly playing. Just matching games but a waste of time. No gambling here. I don’t leave home alone. Makes things much easier. No urges. I hardly think about. It is possible!

take care, enjoy your good food and fresh air!

Laura

P.S. Wish I could say i’d meet you girls in group tonight but I can’t promise.

[Monica1]

Always good to hear from you Laura and thanks for the post.
Today, I woke up at 6pm having been up till 9am watching the gymnastics on the commonwealth games. It was really enjoyable watching it and how the United Kingdom home teams are doing.
I feel a combination of upset and anger today as my last two days pay have still not been authorised 3 weeks later with no indication that there is an issue. .It is hitting me where it most hurts, my self esteem and my pocket.
Pete cooked me a meal which was nice. No sign of anything shifting there with the end of April deadline looming. I have put off writing to Universsl Credit re rent decrease now for ten days and must do it. This is all upsetting me somewhat cos I really don’t want to go back to where I was. It hurts me a lot even to think about.

[Monica1]

Well last night I lost all the channels on my tv in my bedroom right in the middle of a good film. A bit of a disaster. It took me 6 attempts at retuning, the same procedure every time and on the sixth it worked. Took me hours, Is there a lesson in this, ie doing exactly the same thing to fix something and on the sixth attempt it worked.i don’t know but energetically it felt strange and frustrating trying to fix it and getting nowhere.
Today I feel depression setting in, the same polarised despair and hope sitting in the same space. I must be having the worlds worst recovery from a gambling addiction. But my life isn’t as bad as the lady described on Liz thread. I actually do not have a life to speak of, no foundation to work from, just one big nothing. I hear mercury retrograde stops on the 15th April so delays in things and technology glitches should get better by then. I rang the agency again and had to leave a message. I have underlying worry/anxiety about how to pay the rent and keep going in the future.
I am seeking
Purpose
Direction
Fulfilment
Recovery of Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health
Repayment of debt

Seek and ye shall find, the Bible tells us. Here’s hoping, now eight months without gambling. How long can this limbo last or is it just ongoing ever decreasing circles?

[Unlucky]

8 months is great , I haven’t yet made it to 8 days . Please hang in there . You are an inspiration -Carrie

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
It feels like a long time since you should have been paid for your work. Perhaps you need to call in person and not leave until your timesheet is done.?
I hope you feel better-!

[Monica1]

Better day today. I dont know how I can be an inspiration when not much has changed in 8 months. Timesheet finally authorised, hurrah, they had lost the email. I had already rung them 4 times idi. I worked out that with my ten days pay, which has already lasted me nearly a month, I won’t get any benefits till early June which is a long time.
I also realised a truth today, that what we focus on becomes our reality.
Got an email from gamstop today with a brief questionnaire. Spent evening researching how I can heal from my current state.

[i-did-it]

Monica glad u got ur pay sorted !
What we focus on becomes our reality .
It’s hard to focus on anything else when we are forced to focus on financial survival . However I am going to try to focus on being happy and maybe that would work for both of us .

Do you think you will be able to keep back some of that cash so that when June comes you don’t get too broke ?

I checked chat for you at ten !

A horrible project has come up in work – the higher ups didn’t want it but assumed I would be delighted to add to
My already bursting cv- I simply said “nah not interested”.
Feeling very empowered today – and can’t stop laughing at the look of shock on their faces !

Saying no to stuff we dont want to do has to be the best feeling in the world !

Onwards and upwards for us Monica !

[Monica1]

Sorry missed u in group, I find I have to be in the mood, and I not always am owing to tiredness, lack of focus etc. I smiled when I read what u said about the work project. Well done, I say equally subversively. It really is up to you what you feel able to take on, but you know that.
Tough budget to last till June and I don’t really think I want to do that. But I have feel consistently better, and I don’t. Guts still twingeybut not bad. I have decided not to return to the kinesiologist. Helped with my centredness and connectedness but with a full blown relapse of the colon on 3rd April not seeing sufficient difference to warrant the spend. I am researching different things and will experiment. Most of medicine is guesswork and trial and error anyways.
My counselling session was cancelled this evening which I was glad about as feeling tired today.

[finding_laura]

Hey Monica, I checked for group but none at ten on Thursday? Glad that last pay is finally in the works. How do they expect you to live on two days pay til June?

I wouldn’t doubt a lot of your stomach issues are related to the extreme stress and irregular diet. What about a simple healing meditation? Something to try and help release the stress on a daily basis. Also if you are having more sensitivities to milk right now maybe ease up on those type products.
I’m not sure if we can manifest a good job or a new career path solely by thinking of it but worth trying I guess. I once read that you need to rearrange your life to make room for what you want. One of the examples was a woman that wanted a partner, was told to make space in her closet and only sleep on one side of the bed. Not sure what you do to make space for a new career! IDI? you have any thoughts? I too chuckled IDI at the thought of you saying no. People readjust! They learn we aren’t taking the crap no more 🙂

I hope another job comes along soon Monica. Til then please take care of yourself. Do things to make yourself feel good and happy. Spring is one of the best free times of year. The days grow longer and the sun stronger. Birdsong in the park. Fresh air. Blossoms! Have a lovely day tomorrow.

Laura

[i-did-it]

Group now ?

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post and I note you haven’t posted on your own thread. You are so sweet, posting on others before your own.
Not much to report, headachey and tired today. Caught tail end of group with idi.

[i-did-it]

Just woke up – group ?

[Monica1]

Well, feeling a bit washed out still. Pete last night gave me the runners and riders for the Grand National and said he would put a one pound bet on for me. Grand national day used to be a family day, the only day of tbe year to put a bet on the horses. I had to explain that I cannot make any kind of bet ever. The closest people to us often just don’t get it. Did I feel deprived, yes a little. I am not even sure I can watch the race any more and that is a level of enjoying life that now feels very blah bland. I also accidentally pressed wrong button and a new slot site came up with the registration screen. In the past this would be a massive trigger, but I would say in an urge scale 25 per cent out of a 100. Inside something still goes eeeeek when this occurs. Hopefully, gamstop soon and that will be such a massive relief. Blockers for me over a period of a couple of years an exercise in frustration and very imperfect products.
I am fed up of this existence in my room. I have enjoyed the comonwealth games a lot and when they finish I have to make an effort to get my old self and strength back. I am even considering the nutraceuticals that stimulate the brain. I still have a degree of brain fog and I really hate that. This is what worries me about going to work, that my cognitive faculties are not what they were. Iusedtobe a very quick thinker, understanding issues and assessing things really swiftly. I would say I am operating on 50 per cent. Part of me has gotten used to this very solitary existence, it has gone on way too long, which directly impacts on ones faith and trust that it things really will improve. Goes against all the claptrap rhetoric that GA and others spout that things get better very quickly in recovery. that No one should have to go through this for so long, a condition that still has no diagnosis about 15 months onand a very long wait for a hospital appointment. Plus no change and still can’t file for bankruptcy or address any debts. No forward movement is my idea of hell. I am not used to that and I hate it.

[Monica1]

Very strange you know, triggers and what triggers memories. When I was about 7 I was burning a 105 degree fever and delirious dreaming about rocks falling down on me and calling out. This had come shortly after I had fallen down a steep rocky incline in Austria and had hurt myself stopping just before I would land in a lake. My father in his nastiness was later to tell me my mother pushed me, which is a different story…. anyways when the fever had broken my father made me toast and pate which to this day puts me in a good mood. Just the memories of being so ill and starving and how great it tasted. Well, I just made myself same and it has changed my mood. So how strange is our body and brain in its cellular memory?
I have written here about my goals on a few occasions which have broadly stayed the same. I will not study anything new this year (I am a lifetime student) but will focus on what helps in my recovery, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I will get a job for six months and then have the extensive dental work I need and then it’s the Caribbean in January maybe for a couple of months, then decide what to do. I must participate in life again. Without some work on me in all my aspects, I know I don’t want to bother. I feel defeated, really. I have to feel better about myself and regain my confidence enough to enjoy the time I have left, however long that is. Getting older and the things that come with age, particularly if we haven’t maintained ourselves physically very well is a very difficult challenge. And I think people who get bored very easily and like the excitement of life, don’t maintain themselves that well, or we go through all too brief phases when we do.
There has to be a way out of here, to reach for those things that we want to do in this life. For me, that is to feel good about myself, travel and sit in the sun. I have a vision I have had for a long time that my sister and I take a journey on the orient express dressed to thenines. She really deserves it, having had an equally, albeit more countrified quieter life than me.
I am meandering but I find it interesting to meander a bit, sometimes we come up with great and inspired things when we do…. and I don’t mind others reading of my inner thoughts either, I really don’t.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
As usual we are thinking about the same things . I was just wondering why I let myself get really over weight and unfit while others have maintained themselves . I too feel very bored and today as the sun came out and lit everywhere with its glorious light , I just thought the sun highlighted how horrible my world is – where I live is actually even more depressing and awful when it is highlighted by the sun- I wonder do the locals feel that ?

I also am here wondering about what I should take to lift myself – I am thinking neurotrophics too! Honestly you must be telepathic .

Well done on not betting on the grand national and also on ignoring that site
Will gamstop do away with the need for a gambling blocker )
Xx

[Monica1]

As I understand it gamstop will exclude at source, they are still testing and trialling the system but to me that is great as it was only ever been on line for me and a few scratch cards. I avoid looking at them when I go to the shops although there is nearly always someone in front of me buying them. My sister and mum buy them daily. It isn’t quick enough for me. Well, the slots were an instant hit weren’t they?! However, I no longer equate gambling with distraction or excitement. I still see it as the enemy, fake, insidious and out to only destroy for me who cannot stop once started. There are many people now floating in this particular boat of addiction. I see enough stories on this site of an initial big win and then it takes everything. That is it’s nature. It is ugly and those who work in it perpetuate its darkness. When I was 19 I looked at being a croupier, so glad I didn’t go down that route a.thlugh it might have put me off by the misery it causes.
Idi, we are where we are. I am glad u have applied for a better job. My view is that even if it doesn’t come off, it is a good exercise for us. I still refuse to accept that this is it for the rest of my life, it really is my idea of hell on Earth.
I know that I will have to get fitter and motivated to stand a chance. This is difficult in. Y current state but I can still walk to the shops whereas many people with chronic fatigue like symptoms cannot. I think I might trial a neurotropic. My middle son who is very smart took these for a short while when he developed post viral brain fog. It was as horrifying to him as it is to me, to lose my brain power. They worked for him and got him over the hump.

Really, if I felt this was how it is for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t bother. Along comes hope which is a wonderful thing.

[Monica1]

I gotta pop to the shop so won’t be on 10pm group. If there is a midnight one will aim for that.

[Monica1]

Well woke up at 5pm. Caught the closing ceremony of the commonwealth games, they have truly been a joy to watch and enjoyed them enormously. Yes, I can enjoy stuff! Somehow, Birmingham 2022doesnt quite have the appeal of the Australian Gold Coast. Made me feel like going there one day.
Pete left me a tin of M and S chocolate chip cookies and I devoured most of them with my coffee. Yum yum. I opened my post which I don’t always do and was pleased to see that after complaining my upper GI appointment has come through and it is only a week away. Before I really go I to alternatives I think I need a diagnosis.
Feeling positive although tum still having minor twinges which I call aftershocks from the earthquake of the 3rd April. A friend who converted full on to Christianity in quite an extreme way (and I have to say worrying to me because it is so extreme against many things) from new ageism and the same colour courses I did, sent me psalm 91which is a powerful promise of God’s protection. For some reason I found this quite calming and thanked her, She also sent a video of people who had been saved in very extreme conditions by tuning into this psalm.
Trying to work out a budget for the next six weeks which ends up being quite meagre. I plan on being fitter before then. A couple of jobs have come through although they are full time and again a bit of a distance. I don’t discount anything right now but must be in a better state physically before I start work again. I am looking for a six month job ideally 3 to 4 days. The trouble with not having a clear diagnosis is that you dont know how to move forward.

[i-did-it]

Just wrote you a long post and it just logged me out and is gone-so frustrating.
Hope the appointment goes well.
I had written in length that sitting on a committee ( a very well paid one) might be good while you recover your health.
Hope to meet you soon in group

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica,

I did post to my thread today first. Good to hear there are job offers coming in. Even if you turn them all down they are offers which you were worried you’d ever get. Really great they moved that appointment up. Squeaky wheel gets the grease and in today’s systems you really have to squeak. They need to take care of you so you can get back on your feet and take care of yourself. Time in the Carribean sounds lovely. Hope. I am always careful what I promise a recovering gambler about how fast things will get better. Or I hope I do. Because there is such a thing as reality. And we all don’t have the same one. I’m trying to take care of myself. My exercises are increased and my walks should also be increasing. I need to do what I’m supposed to if I want to avoid more surgery too soon. I’ve not been having luck hitting a 10pm group. But my week is looking quieter so will try again tomorrow if not completely worn out.

Laura

[Monica1]

Hi
Been quiet for a couple of days as to be honest lost yesterday sleeping from 8am to 8pm. I missed my work coach appointment and private gma group. I woke up sick to my stomach and tired but I think that was because I did nt want to see my work coach and go through all that rigmarole. Expected grief from that but didn’t get it. Prayed before I rang them as I know that for some, they get very shirty and cut off benefits. Finally got paid my last two days work.
Was sorry to miss my private group. Went to see my gpfirst thing this morning after being awake all night. Was not surprised by him saying I had been stuck in this state for too long now and it is time to try a very low dose antidepressant. i agreed. He says all my symptoms ie tiredness, cognitive issues when working are all related to an Underlying reactive depression and that my serotonin needs some help. Burned all those serotonin levels gAmbling and I think years ago until gambling started my serotonin feel good hormones were enhanced through my opiate of choice which was a physical relationship.
The antidepressants do have all sorts of side effects and he said that I will have to be on them for at least a year. I was,offered these before but I have been resisting until now. Certificated off till end May.
I have decided to try traditional Chinese medicine which helped me when I had shingles in2003. I will see how this goes and then trial the antidepressants. I don’t wanttotakethe antidepressants but even I can see and ad it that I can’t atay like this,
On anther note, pete has now found a place and will move out in two weeks. We will still see each other as friends. He is quite naturally concerned about the dog missing me who runs i to my room every night to settle down to sleep.
Feeling a bitdefeated again and have requested a counselling session to discuss all of this. It is over eight months the now and recovery has truly not happened. I wonder if it ever will.

[finding_laura]

Good morning Monica, I’m glad to see doc has suggested antidepressants. It gets to that point where our situational depression and depression caused by withdrawal creates the larger imbalance. I’m glad to see it was really explained why.

I can’t say enough how stopping gambling after being a gambling addict messes with the chemical balance in our brain. It takes time and sometimes medical help to find balance again. Each situation is it’s own.

Hugsss Monica. It helps to have others walking with us as we go through our recovery. I also think of “recovery” as an ongoing journey and not an end state. In my case it was two years before I felt normal in my own skin. But it was a new normal. I really didn’t want to go back. I am still in recovery.

I hope you rise earlier today and are able to enjoy the sunshine. Spring is threatening not to come here this year! When it does i want to take advantage and enjoy. Take care,
Laura

[Monica1]

Glad you were on line to see and respond to my post. Thank you. Of course you are right. I find that my depression and tiredness has not reduced over these eight months and since the job didn’t work out, and things in general havent worked out now for at least 18 months now, it is a long time to go to be in a total funk where literally nothing much happens and I sometimes wonder what the point of even existing is for me. I dont want to go out, socialise, or anything unless it is with my children. I have huge shadows under my eyes that were never there before and find myself constantly wondering where the hell I disappeared to. I was never like this, ever, in my life. I think the instability and total limbo with no forward movement has taken its toll,

At least with my appointment on Monday I will find out a bit more about whether the gut issues are indeed stress induced irritable bowel or something else.

[Monica1]

And many thanks for your post Sara. Woke up early this morning at 5.30am and listened to Joyce Meyer on TBN. Always helpful to listen to her when in a funk. Very sensible lady.
I read up on traditional Chinese Medicine last night and was interested to see how the various issues I have are all related with meridians ie I developed tinnitus after the kidney cancer surgery and the ears are linked to the kidney meridian. Interesting stuff. I actually put about six alternative modalities in a hat and prayed over it and tcm came up as the one that would help me most. It really is that random because the alternative health arena is confusing as to what wil help with various conditions. I will take the antidepressants only if that doesn’t help. Dependency is my one big concern on the antidepressants and despite what docs say people have really struggled to come off these drugs and they cause weight gain and all sorts of other problems. As I have previously mentioned in here western medicine is so limited with big pharma drugs nearly always causing other big issues. What is the sense in that?

[Monica1]

To be honest felt quite morbid today with the untimely demise of Dale Winton. Saw a picture of him with David Walliams and you can actually see the pain behind his eyes. The eyes tell it all.
Was called today by someone I responded to regarding a business opportunity who happened to be a spiritual healer and that gave me a small boost as she said she would put me on the absent healing list. Didn’t feel quite so left alone in a somewhat less than desirable situation after that. Had my counselling session this evening which didn’t yield anything new tonight but I was very honest with how I was feeling and that felt good to do that.
I spent the day on my bedroom not entering out into the sunshine once.

[finding_laura]

Hope you get some answers Monica. I can understand how you feel a life line of any sorts can only help. Any kind of healing! I can understand your reluctance to use anti depressants with the list of side affects things come with. I fought it for a lot of years even after being severely debilitated in my mid twenties for a period of time. But now I just accept it. But yes, I would research anything they want to prescribe. No weight gain with this one for me but I know of one that caused a friend to gain a lot. Hopefully there will be no need if you can find something more to your tolerance. I’m sorry you’ve missed the sunshine! Is spring starting to make it’s appearance there? Not much of a sign here, other than the robins have returned and there is more bird song. Have a good evening. Be good to your self.
Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
You do sound low right now . I know how much you hate taking pills but ladies in my work have talked about how much anti depressants have helped lift them out of a low mood.

I have started a new supplement called well woman max and I feel so much better . I must definitely have been lacking something -perhaps iodine . There is the added bonus that they contain NAC which stops gambling urges.

I hope you have been out in that sunshine since you wrote your last post and I hope it has lifted your spirits.

Dale Winton’s passing was so sad and there seems to be a famous person passing every day right now. I always think I would be happy if I had more money but it doesn’t seem to be the case.

I hope you are feeling much better and life is looking brighter.
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, I would try different things medically like you are doing before starting a anti depressant. I’m not one for just taking a pill. I’ve been able to reduce my daily medications for my heart by implementing some lifestyle changes. I read your posts and I know that you are a strong woman but having health issues can really bring you down. I think you are being proactive and trying to work through things. I think of you often and pray that things will lighten for you. Take care.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your care and concern. Yes, I have been very down and sleeping a lot at strange times.
Disgusted with a new Health slot site which I was triggered by with some of the profits to fund healthcare. Really, how low can they get?
My son says to take the antidepressants, pete agrees with me ie not to. Today I had my hospital appointment and it was very helpful. the doctor also turned her nose up when I mentioned I had been prescribed antidepressants. I think I realised how useless my gp practice is today without my lovely gp who went on sabbatical. The hospital are doing loads of tests blood, mri and camera down the belly. the Gp should not have left me for so many months with untreated helicobacter. The hospital are retesting and if still positive will be seen by an allergy specialist as I am allergic to so many drugs and then a dietician if it turns out to be severe irritable bowel. She says I will have a diagnosis at the end of this. I realised how not knowing over many months had greatly contributed to the depression. Short waits today for everything. I applaud efficiency but find sub standard health services such as my gp rather sad and depressing.
I feel somewhat better today after being heard.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
That is good news – a diagnosis means treatment and treatment will restore your health- itis hard to feel on top of the world when your health is below par.
Hopefully this is the start to things moving forward in your life – you are right – the health service has too many people going through the motions . We all deserve better .
Hope to see you in a group soon.

[Monica1]

Sorry I havent posted much to others threads or done a group lately but I do read them all. Woke at 4am this morning.
Didn’t feel like doing much today but I did speak to the spiritual healer about the business opportunity. I studied this over the weekend and read up on it. She was very abrupt on the phone. AgainI was surprised how a spiritual person could get involved with a Ponzi scheme where the leader in the US had been convicted of racketeering in the US and ordered by the courts to refund 300,000. Of course she did t want to listen to my view, just if I wanted to hand over 1500 quid for nothing. Crazy, prosperity for life if anyone comes across it. Claims to be in the Wealth creation business but it is so unethical, it is untrue. Despite her not wanting to listen to my view I emailed her with it saying I respect her spirituality and work as a healer but How the hell did she get Involved in a racket that simply exploited people.
More later…
I texted my sister and thank the Lord for answering my prayer in that they have found a privately rented, apparently quite nice flat In Rothwell. They can’t take the cats though who all have to be rehomed. They had a massive garden and wide expanses of countryside to roam in. It is a big change for all but I am glad they have a decent place to move to. My sister is still all over the place with the move.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica – I had written you a reply and it disappeared – so annoyed !

I hope you you are feeling better ! I am glad you have no t lost your bravery in speaking up when things are wrong .
I feel both of the above scenarios are caused by greed – the greed of the landlord and the greed of the healer .
It is good your sister had found somewhere but losing her cats seems a huge price to pay .

It occurs to me that your bravery and directness in speaking up when things are wrong is balanced by your empathy and lack of need to lambast others when they make a mistake (as I have found during my relapses ).

You are a great person with so much to offer – hope you are feeling good today !

[Monica1]

Yes, on flawed systems I do speak up. In healthcare, I know that speaking up can make a difference as in enlightened institutions things do change based on complaints. I was just surprised although god knows why I should be, as I come across so many spiritual people who do what I would call very unspiritual things, although I am not actually judging. We all have our lessons to learn and I have met more than my fair share of very flawed healers. I am sure Jesus would have a thing or two to say on it all. There are so many traps now out in the world that we can be hooked in by, I guess gambling being a big one these days. So I am not one to judge, as when we do we often find ten fingers pointing back at us. It is just that these things hurt people by taking their money, convincing them they can make a fortune, and not delivering, a bit like gambling.
I have things to do but am avoiding doing anything. Pete is packing bits of his stuff and I have asked him to fix the bath panels, something he broke, said he would fix a couple of years ago and still hasn’t.

[maverick.]

Monica thanks for your kind post on my thread, have just been catching up and reading through many over the last few hours and decided to respond to a few.

You make a wonderful statement when you say “as I come across so many spiritual people who do what I would call very unspiritual things” I know this to be true and like you rightly say Jesus would have a few things to say about it, we would be surprised in life about certain people who are close to God and say nothing about it………not being ashamed by it but just keeping it quite, anyway I have rambled on enough and in truth a conversation that could go on for weeks.

Hope you are keeping well and wish you my very best, thanks for posting on my journal means a lot.

Maverick

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Hope all is good with you
It must be strange to have Pete packing his stuff – a big change – a new start. Will doggie go to?
Hope to meet you in group soon .
Xx

[Monica1]

Haven’t posted for a few days as haven’t felt like it really but ms gaedcto do a group. It has been very mixed but racking up the days now and soon it will be nine months this in mid May. Started being contacted by creditors this week after a few months respite. Still no further forward in any of that after nearly nine months folks. Groundhog Day, really understand how that feels.
Pete moves out on Thursday with the dog. So kissing goodbye to the food and fags but my son wants to talk about moving in soon as soon as he recovers from a throat infection which is by and large down to overindulgence on a holiday in Portugal. He is seeing his girlfriend again, they struggle without each other it would seem.
I had a job interview this week and went shopping for some clothes to wear. After not finding anything much I accidentally and mistakenly purchased a pair of what I would call old lady trousers in a size down from usual. They fitted. I have lost weight on my legs and butt but not.my middle.
The morning of the job interview I had a nightmare before i woke up to do with terrorism and felt somewhat uncomfortable wearing trousers that I did not like but hey.. keep going, make the effort, try I kept telling myself. Money is getting a little low but I have a tax rebate to put in for which I keep putting off doing the paperwork but I will do it this weekend. The interview was tough and probing but I went with an open mind and not desperation. I had actually been to see my work coach the day before and was positive instead of the usual story of woe, not that things have improved hugely but I worked out that the two weeks pay I had was three months on benefits and I have made it last about six weeks. That helped me enormously.
I came home fro: the interview and slep from 4pm to the next morning. My sleep patterns are still all over the place, I eat when I want and sleep when I want but this week I am going to make an attempt to get on an even keel. I slept straight through my counselling session and missed it. Sorry Jane.
Well, to my great surprise, I was offered the job, a lot of people have gone for it, it is complex and challenging but plays to my
Strengths and is onlyshort term, around six weeks. Not like the other job, I will be fairly autonomous as long as I deliver the outputs of the job. I accepted it. I now need to get myself sorted. I will put off the rest of my tests until after the job has completed. They took so many blood tests that I am sure if anything was majorly wrong with them, they would have contacted me.
Of course, I am very scared but I am giving it to God. I have to keep trying and give of my absolute best. Without income I could just sit here and just wither. Not prepared to do that, the fight is still there and it is now time to get off my butt and move forward

[velvet]

Hi Monica
It is great that you got the job in spite of, or because of, your trousers!
Don’t be scared – if you couldn’t do the job you wouldn’t have got it, especially with all the competition. You have proved yourself to the interviewers – if they believe in you then you should too.
Well done
Velvet

[Monica1]

I appreciate your post, thank you Velvet. For those who know me well they know I am right to have some concerns re my health and brain. I got the job based on my track record before these last nine months of hell in which I rarely leave my house, live in my bedroom and my brain has shut down quite a lot. A bit like being at home with the kids for years and going back to work. I remember how that felt and it was like your brain and self confidence just goes. With the last job that didn’t work out at all I had three migraines in a week triggered by numbers on spreadsheets. I know I can’t do that any more although this role is not gazing at spreadsheets thank God. I feel underlying anxiety about it all. I desperately need smething to,work out well in my life as nothing has for 18 months now. I can only walk the path, one step at a time, which I will.

[Monica1]

Awoke at 4am as I do and listened to tbn scripture all morning. Found it quite inspiring. Talks about 2018 being the year of manifestion and getting ready to receive. Revelation, inspiration, manifestation. Believe that our lives can be turned around in all ways, physically, mentally, financially and spiritually. Let our words echo that faith and belief.

[i-did-it]

Inspiring post Monica, and it seems to be happening for you .
Perhaps a bit of anxiety about starting the new job kept you awake ?
I hope you have a nice relaxing day .
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, Congrats on the new job. You will do well. I wish you the best!

[Monica1]

The time for wallowing for me is over now. Today I heard about when things are going badly for us, we need to sow a seed and help someone else. This is a great truth.

[Monica1]

The time for wallowing for me is over now. Today I heard about when things are going badly for us, we need to sow a seed and help someone else. This is a great truth.

[i-did-it]

You may have just heard this Monica but you have been living this message – even when things were really bad you supported others on here -today I am hurriedly logging in before work because I think it may be your first day back to work and wanted to wish you well. If not have a great day anyway .
Xx

[Monica1]

Start is next week but thanks for your lovely message. Hope you too have a great day. I keep looking for golden nuggets of truth and finding some great inspiration.

[Monica1]

Up at 5am and listened to some scripture. Realised today how when we are in isolation as I have been that we turn massively inward on ourselves and lose perspective on things. I have anguished over a third reference request from my last job that lasted a decent length of time. It didn’t end well and the circumstances were just unfortunate but I asked and my old boss said happy to provide even though we fell out at the end.
I also realised that as we get older we need to look for work that doesn’t use up every hour and that it is actually better for me to work just six months of the year. This past year I only worked three months and on ringing the tax office today am due a tax rebate. So something entrepreneurial in the future I think.
Feeling grateful today for a deepening relationship with my faith and confronting the things that cause me a lot of anxiety.
Had my private gma group tonight which was enjoyable. Everyone is doing ok on being gamble free.

[finding_laura]

Omg Monica I am so happy to read that there has been some progress for you in several areas of your life. Medical testing and hopefully a diagnosis and treatment plan. A job that sounds more to your liking. Pete moving out to give you more personal space. I so hope the dark times are over for you. You have more than put in your dues. And maybe you needed this time. Now you know better who you are and where you want to go. You can build a new life without gambling. Can`t wait to hear you getting another pay cheque and how you will treat yourself. ((( Monica ))). Take care. Good luck with the new job. Laura

[Monica1]

Yes, I am cautiously optimistic. I really don’t take anything for granted any more but find myself deeply appreciative of things that are going on right now. I keep saying thank you.
This morning i met with the agency in a local cafe to sort out the multitudes of compliance you now need to work. Shiny happy people was playing and it made me smile followed by David Gray. I felt twinges of happiness tapping my feet. Haven’t felt that for a long time.
This afternoon I went to get the brief from my new boss and I have to say I felt excited for the first time in a very long time, this job is so up my street, plays to my strengths and is also a development opportunity. I realised that I had grown out,of what I used to do, I no longer want to do it and my body was telling me this in the last job. This job is similar to one where I was very happy at.
Got home and rang my mum. My sisters new flat which I am so grateful she has got is less expensive than her last and it will help her to manage an overstretched budget. I gave thanks for the answer to my prayers on her behalf. It could so easily have gone the other way as the council have no properties at all for the 20 or so tenants who have been evicted. Shocking indictment to the housing crisis in the U.K. and vow this government hve bot,supported,ordinary people’s concerns in any way. My mum said that if I was depressed there was no sign of it,now. She might be right.
Gamstop is now up and running but I had to go to support for a very simple form that kept being rejected. They said I had to manually register and they would send me an email, twice going back to support as not received the email. Hmmmmm. Not all sites are signed up but they had a list and many of the more common ones are. The rest will sign up towards the end of the year. But registration process which should be simple very difficult and I will have to back again to them tomorrow. Maximum exclusion period is 5 years, which, of course, I have opted for.
So feeling optimistic and thankful that the tide may finally be beginning to turn.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, thanks for your post! I’m so happy for you. I think that the tide has changed for you. You sound so optimistic about your new job and future. I think we’ve both have grown and changed. I hope to see future posts about your job. I’m sure it’s going to be strange without Pete living there. But it’s a new start for you. Change is hard but usually a good thing. Take care. I’m excited for you!!

[Monica1]

Just realised why my brain is whirring and I can’t sleep. I never drink more than 2 cups of coffee a day and today I have had 5 with my last one at 4pm. It all makes sense now, not ocd but caffeine overdose.

[Monica1]

Today I bought myself a 2018 diary, welcoming myself to the present, and setting my intent for a happier, fulfilled journey through life. I still was carrying around my 2017 diary which was an annus horribilis. . Welcome to the rest of my life.
When we get older we can no longer rely on the incomes we used to get, getting jobs is no doubt harder. Most,of the world does discriminate against older people, not everyone but a lot. So I have also set an intent that my income will come from many sources. I am going to go to a women’s entrepreneurs event third week of May. You’re supposed to have a business idea but I will just go to mix with like minded women and catch some ideas.
I had a long conversation with my mum last night, it was her GP that messed up and made her wait so long to get seen not realising the seriousness of her eye condition. She is going to give it with both barrels, well done mum.
I also have just had a conversation with my son about the pros and cons of moving in, he said everything has to go and he will do the place up, and that we will need a rule book. It makes a lot of difference to me as it means the grandkids can stay, this has been one of my prayers that our family can integrate and be more together, I have suggested he think about it and then visit. It means a big change,all the clutter will be cleared out.

[lizbeth4]

Oh Monica, great idea! I’m going to purchase a dairy. I used to journal everyday but stopped? Things do change when we get older. I felt that way during a couple of my job interviews. I felt that there was age discrimination. Anyways, you seem very upbeat and looking forward to your future. I hope everything works out with your Son moving in. Have a great day!

[finding_laura]

hope you survived caffeine overdose! My life is extremely busy right now but most of it is good busy!

My life over the past ten years has become more and more decluttered as I find it bothers me now for some reason. I want life more simple, easier to tend to.

I want time spent on friends and family (in a healthy way) and time spent taking care of me and doing what I want to do in this life. Because it is a gift. And now I seem to know how precious it really is.

Fingers and toes crossed for you. It just sounds like everything is shifting for the better.

have a good night.

Laura

[i-did-it]

Monica
I just missed you in chat so I popped over here and wow – how excited I am to read your post . Life is on the up Monica . I learn from you and I am taking on board what u say about more than one income stream.
It seems everything is falling into place – you will be living in a newly decorated minimalist home , you will be living with family and have more family time – you will have a good income , you will be doing a job you enjoy , your sister and mum are getting sorted out – could life be any better ?

No one deserves it more – enjoy it Monica !

[Monica1]

Wanted to post last night but didn’t as fell asleep after group. Had my counselling session Thursday and Jane made an an interesting analogy that resonated. Opening Pandora’s box and finding sickness, darkness, poverty etc and right at the bottom was hope which wiped out the darkness, something quite beautiful about that.
Tried signing up to gamstop again, still no emails received and they put the link up but on my iPad could not upload any documents as all on my pc. Gave up for another day.
Focussed on paperwork and got frustrated again when on line forms don’t accept something simple like a postcode and keep rejecting the form, grrrrrr.
Went to see the traditional al Chinese doctor this evening. Took one look at my tongue Ann’s said toxic gut with candidiasis. Plus scar tissue from old surgery site around small,intestine causing the most issues. That makes a lot of sense as when I was a Poulstone and was so ill, I think my gut was going into a partial obstruction. Did acupuncture, herbs and cupping but it was expensive, and took a lot,of my remaining dosh. Benefits system had confirmed nothing till 3rd June, they gave me 200 in April and that was it for rent and everything. I said I hoped I never have to speak to them again and I am going to take all measures to ensure that I never do. The doc says he can get rid of it all, I said I just wanted to be superwoman for my next job. So, have herbs to take with weekly acupuncture, first detoxing and then strengthening kidney, liver and spleen chi. Always had an issue with spleen chi even when I went 12 years ago. That’s the fags and their impact on the red blood cells. I will stabilise my Health and then stop the cigs but one thing at a time.
My daughter rang and wanted to talk, she has had a pinpoint dark patch behind her eye diagnoses at 12 which has now grown, a mole behind the eye. Urgently referred by her optician, it could either be benign or a melanoma. I am hoping that it is a benign mole and am reassured soemwhat that it was there albeit a lot smaller when she was 12. She has always had issues with light sensitivity in her eyes. There is always something to worry about folks…

[i-did-it]

Aw Monica , that is a huge worry for you- you are right – life never runs too smoothly. My prayers are with your daughter.

It good that you got something useful from your group -although I don’t think it was as simple as opening a box – you created the light . You persevered through the rough terrain – the mud , the stinging weeds and rocky climbs – you persevered no matter how much you felt like giving up , and you brought yourself to the lush pastures beyond .
You took the actions you needed to to get there Monica – you put yourself on a train to GM house when you could hardly afford to eat and were often in pain. You waded through the benefits system when you were ill in order to survive.

You took the uncomfortable action which would allow you to choose who to live with . You refused to accept that the foodbank would be part of your life – you set your expectations higher.
You applied for jobs a soon As you felt well enough to go to them. You didn’t take no for an answer when it came to your health .
And all the time you supported others both online and offline .

Monica, you have got through this through sheer willpower , resilience and determination- you never gave up on you ! We need people Like you running this country!

[Monica1]

As ever, your words r lovely and encouraging. And you are right. I spent that entire train journey in the loo, as a spasm triggered in the middle of Euston station. My daughter who often aligns energetically with me without knowing it, is also determined to sort out all her issues and is going to counselling and cbt to work out some of her issues with her father. She keeps in her depression as I have done in the past. Her dad, the hippy, spiritual skin head was lovely and peaceful saving souls and then with his family in your face aggressive, and it was right up,close shouting about one inch away from you. it is this switching that has affected her, she hasn’t chosen the same type and her husband is great albeit
A bit like Pete in the sense that they are earthy and practical and never want to talk about feelings. Very difficult when you are an introverted but expressive type like me and my daughter. I guess this is where having a sisterhood of women helps. But she has a stable life for her kids, living by the beach in her own home, bought by her husbands mum and they all have a one third share. I rejoice in the next generation having far more stability than I ever did growing up.
It is why Ben cannot really stay in his stepfathers house any more although Ben is a big man and wouldn’t stand for any nonsense from him. But it has affected him. My escape as it always was was work providing for them all. . I am wondering who I would get to play me in a movie. Not angelina jolie….

[i-did-it]

Angelina Jolie would be a good choice Monica! Your daughter’s dad sounds like the typical street angel -house devil . I have lived with one of those for my whole married life – until very recently when my son explained to me what it cost him.
It is pleasant now but I wonder how I could insist on better things for my son and accept such a horrible life for me .
( in retrospect I was wrong of course it was equally horrible for my son).
I admire you for having the courage to move on.
It is so good that your daughter didn’t repeat the cycle and I think that is completely down to you, and your strength. Once again the unsinkable Mrs Brown comes to mind .

I feel you didn’t have any choice Monica but to work- what was the alternative . Your own experience of growing up with little meant you knew and understood the difference money can make in young people ‘s lives. Only people who don’t know what it is like to go without have the privilege of being able to say money doesn’t matter – it is not materialist or escapist to work hard for your kids.
You did what you needed to do and in the end I guess juggling all those balls and feeling that you were never where you should be cost you .

You have done well Monica – you have raised kids who come to you with their problems (one of the joys of motherhood lol). You are a shining example of resilience and determination.

I am interested – is there any one person or group of people from your childhood/youth who believed in you and helped inspire that great belief you have in yourself ?

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post. It was thoughtful and made me pause and think.
From my childhood or my youth , no there wasn’t anything much that emotionally supported me. I decided from a no religion family to go to church at 8 and I regularly played chess with the local vicar for a while. When I was around 9 a schoolteacher pulled me out of the class and we both went shopping for a bra. My father had not noticed, that is just one of the consequences to grow up without a mother. I missed a bit of final year junior with glandular fever and a few months later hepatitis. I relate this to unexpressed grief over my mother and my dads behaviour after she left. My school life at grammar I always hated for its bullying and girls only but I did join the junior Red Cross at 11 and also the young Christians association. This coincided with a time when I started doing very well academically coming top
In all but maths at which I am quite bad and domestic science coming bottom, and was offered top academic stream with the real rich kids, I said no, I would sooner stay with my friends but went off the rails soon after and stopped the young Christians meetings. This was a big mistake for me as I always wanted to be a doctor and via this route could have made it except for a careers counsellor who said we were from too poor a background.i still have a good medical knowledge but had to look up my daughters health issue not knowing much about it. When I was doing very well academically I did have good relationships with my teachers and one in particular inspired me to imagine and write. But nothing pastorally or emotionally. You may remember my main gripe is no mentors or emotional support throughout my life.

Prem Rawat gave me strength and healing from 23 but my road through life has always been quite difficult. My ex relationship was supportive for a while but slowly deteriorated over a number of years and in the late 80s early 90s was when he became the in your face bully. I was glad when he left in 96, I had wanted to do this 5 years earlier but didn’t want to split the family knowing the problemsit had caused me when young. We had 2 close friends who had equal And possibly,worse challenges but both committed suicide within about 2 years of each other. I felt a lot of guilt about this as if I had only,known what to do, we could have helped them, more. I took a job in mental health where I stayed for 5 years after this.
When my father threw me out after I ran away from home at 16, my mother stepped in and gave me 2years of stability which I worked throughout, both had a solid,work ethic but I missed my sister and home as where my mum lives is boring in extreme. This also meant I could not do GCSEs, the option on the table was work and I found my first office job quickly.
Following the birth of Kai, no 2child, it was my ex who encouraged me to go to work and I did starting out temping as a secretary. There was never any solid foundation to anything as I was on my own in London and even getting a home was fraught with difficulties and it was only getting this property about 14 years ago where I ever remotely had anywhere I wanted to be, and even then I don’t…
So the answer is no, I have gone through periods of stability and then of course, when I started to domega well, just for around two and a half short years, I got cancer and some of the rest you know. I didn’t mean to write a bit of my life story but hey ho.
I have been looking up my daughters condition. It is a choroidal naevus which will need constant follow up, if benign which I am praying in Jesus name that it is. The alternative is an ocular melanoma. I thought 4mm was small but it isn’t, itis considered large. I ask for prayers for my daughter, Tara, that her condition is benign.

[Monica1]

Yes, it does cost our children plenty. Two of mine have major issues with Doug, Tara’s father and Ben, her stepfather. Ben once told me that I didn’t know the half of it what they got up to when they were teens and always in trouble but they r great young men now.
I am sure they have issues with me too. If I had waited for stability until having children I would not have had them but there we r. Hindsight a wonderful thing.

[Monica1]

Well a glorious sunny day today. I went to the shops to see if I could improve on the granny trousers and I did. Gone back up to my usual size as the size 12s were a little snug. Sat in cafe rouge with the doors open and enjoyed the day, nibbling on mackerel pate and fish cakes. My GA friend called me and we had a good chat. Meeting up again end May.
I have enough money to get to work this week. I am really looking forward to begin to pay off some of my debts, my sister and son being top of the list. Feeling content today. Not feeling as tired as I usually am so maybe the herbs and acupuncture are taking effect.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
So glad you got the trousers – since I put on weight trousers have become the bane of my life ! Feeling that we look good is so important , especially when starting a new job!

Yes it will be great to watch those debts go down and especially good to pay off family .
I hope you are excited about starting tomorrow and that your first day goes really well!

[lizbeth4]

Monica, I hope your first day of work is wonderful. I admire your resilience and motivation. It is very inspiring to me. I agree that how we are raised has great influence on our lives. Both positive and negative. Coming from a very dysfunctional childhood, the 3 most positive people in my life were my Grandmother, my 1st grade teacher, Mrs Noble and my 6th grade teacher, Mr Olsen. They taught me that I could achieve anything that I wanted to and to never give up! I think of them all often. You are turning everything around and you never give up. Those are great qualities to have. I wish you all the best as you truly deserve it!!

[finding_laura]

Thinking of you on your first day at a new job. You are one tough cookie Monica. No matter how far down this illness/addiction drags us, we can rebuild a new life. We can never recover what we have lost, but, we can learn to start a new healthier more in touch way of life. We deserve to feel connected to our inner self and to build a life that is satisfying to that person. All the best Monica! Catch up over the weekend. xo Laura

[i-did-it]

Yes Monica – we are all dying to hear how it went – update please !!

[Monica1]

ThaNks for your supportive posts. It was ok ty, differentt ype of job, with a lot of autonomy as long as I deliver which is more up my street. Did lots of reading today.
I was fairly anxious as my gut kicked off on bank holiday Monday and is still twinging. It as bad as previously but same pattern. I looked at what I ate and many of the foods were fermented, plus quite a lot of chocolate and sour dough bread. I looked these up and they all contain tyramine. I did notice that aged cheese and blue cheeses are a a no no, making things a lot,worse, i gave up eating these in January/February when the guts were very bad, and these all contain large amounts of tyramine. Not sure what the significance of this is.
Pete is gradually moving his bags out this week. We both admitted to each other this evening we feel a little peculiar about all this but know it needs to be done. I am glad he will do it gradually this week. I need to get used to the idea. Well it has been 18 years..,.

[finding_laura]

Big Hugs Monica. I’m sure it must feel peculiar. My partner and I have been together almost 30 years. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs over those years. And there are times where I’ve been a hairs breadth away from separation. It is a hard thing to do. But you guys know it’s right for you and are acting like grown ups! I’m hope that tummy settles down for you because this job sounds sort of peaceful or maybe even boring like lol Maybe just what the doctor ordered. Low stress higher pay! Deep breaths. Maybe look for a bland sort of diet while you are doing the herbs. Ask the Chinese Doctor. Omg Monica, just read back to see if was doctor or healer and seen that I missed post re your daughter. I will definitely say prayers. You must be very worried. Probably another reason your poor stomach is kicking up. Please take care of your self. Stay strong in your recovery. xo

[Monica1]

Busy day, taking in what I have to deliver, it is complex and challengingbut I feel motivated.
Ate a very light bland diet.
Got home and I have got my tax refund. I can now officially declare my period of nine months destitution is over. Ever since I worked just the two weeks I have been managing Ok whilst not paying any debts, just being able to afford the basics plus the little extras like vitamins that minimum benefits wouldn’t afford. Because I only worked three months last year it is not an insignificant amount and I thank God and the universe for providing me with it. Will sort out my sister and son over the weekend and put some away with my eldest son. I still have the 75k worth of debt to sort out. I may not go bankrupt but I still have to decide. It will take 4 to 5 years technically until I retire to pay all this off. I don’t want to gamble it at all. yea, they’re not getting any of this long awaited influx of cash.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Great to read for job is ok- sounds like you are enjoying it .
It seems like you are getting your break through- with your tax rebate and earning a wage you will feel secure in no time .

It is sad that you and Pete have come to an end but I guess when one door closes it leave room for new doors to open . It will feel strange for you for a while but it no doubt a positive move .

Hope to catch up with you over the weekend .

Massive congratulations and well done .

[Monica1]

Good to hear from you. It has been a good week, challenging but still feeling good about it. Feeling a bit tired mentally as I have absorbed so much info in 4 days. But ok, keeping to a very light diet and no sugar. Pete put some chocolate bars in the fridge and bought me some cheese. Like when u r trying to give up cigs and everywhere u go cigarettes are thrown at you,
My daughter asked if I could help with some presents for my grandson for his birthday as they are trying to consolidate debt and were a bit short. I was delighted to do so.
Struggling with gamstop and made a formal complaint tonight, my battery went in the middle of talking. doh! I have been on their chat support umpteen times. Not receiving emails and now I have to get a photo holding my passport.
Girlfriends on another support site that I tune in to now and again have both relapsed one after a hundred days and another blew it to self destrct, 50 quid spins and cleaned out of 8000 to nothing. That is so awful but a constant reminder of how crap this addiction is. I suggested she do gma as it reminded me of the final days of my addiction when it was total self destruct. Awful and I never want to go back there again. ever!
Petes bags crowding out the front room. He has just come in and bought me an alarm clock as a present lol. He is booking a van to take it all.
I have a list of things to do which is very long. Like laura I am a list writer, great when you can tick them all off!

[finding_laura]

Was wonderful talking with you tonight. Very happy for you that your destitution is over! Hopefully never ever to be experienced again.

Faith – a little word with such powerful meaning.

Keep your faith, stay strong, and you will most definitely be ok.

I know this past 9 months you couldn’t just “will” yourself food, money a job etc. But at the same time you have come through ok. I hope I didn’t sound too glib.

Enjoy your weekend sunshine, you earned it.

Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica , How life can change ! As a mother I know how much pleasure it must give you to help your daughter out . I am happy to hear that you are enjoying your new job- It’s great to get paid for doing something you enjoy and which  motivates you .

Yes we could all be back to square one with one impulsive wrong decision. I have made that decision several times but my barriers have prevented me from gambling . I always wake up next day with a huge sense of relief . For years I always left that one door open , and for years I eventually stepped through it.

Gamstop seems like a great idea but I too have found it difficult to use – it asked for my passport details (a photo of it) which has put me off completely – especially as there have been so many leaks of details in the media in recent years . That’s me finished with Gamstop- it seemed like a good idea but I feel it has been poorly thought out and even more poorly implemented .

What a change it will be for you to have Pete gone- you will have control over everything including the fridge! You can keep all the healthy foods you love in there with no temptation . Perhaps it would an idea to decorate a room in colours you love and have a really special place just for you  – with soft lighting , candles and cushions . It’s making me want my old man to move out ! Lol.

Monica I am so pleased life it going well for you . It really does motivate others when we read the success stories .

[Monica1]

Hi everyone.
Haven’t posted as been too busy. Now when recently could I say that? Posted on idis thread twice over the weekend and first time my Ipad switched off and second time the site was down for maintenance when I tried to post it for the second time.
Went to the Chinese doc on Saturday. He said my gut is still toxic, he’s right, but my pulses are stronger and he says my immune system is fighting back. I don’t like acupuncture or the process, looking at 20 needles sticking out my tum. Saturday afternoon Prem Rawat had a speaking event in Brighton. Only one in Europe this year. I went along after faffing about with 2 local stations that were closed, and enjoyed the event.
Sunday rested and did some paperwork. Day was over before I knew it. My sister had to,take the cats to a rehoming centre over the weekend and found it quite traumatic with the cats crying all the way there.
Yes, idi gamstop is incredibly,frustrating. I have to,find a photo booth to take pics now….
Pete has moved half his stuff and the rest this week. Be visiting as soon as he is gone to look at the spec and make a decision.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, Wow, you’ve been busy! I’m very happy for you that things are changing in a positive way. Keep going. It will be a adjustment for you when Pete has moved out but change is good! Take care!

[Monica1]

Been too busy to post but I am Ok. Best news is my daughters choroidal naevus is benign but is classified as large and will need six monthly follow up for life. She rang me straight away.
I am relieved but there is nothing they can do to shrink it.
Pete is still here, he has been unwell strangely enough with belly cramps. I wonder if there is something here about releasing and letting go. Great news about the betting shop fixed odds betting shop terminals. Who cares if they go broke. I don’t for one. Do I feel sorry for them. Not one bit. Now they will know how we feel after being robbed blind. Hopefully the betting shop explosion will shake out and many will close. The retail sector is doing abysmally and many many jobs are going. When they say that employment is the highest it has ever been, I really don’t believe it.

[Monica1]

Been too busy to post but I am Ok. Best news is my daughters choroidal naevus is benign but is classified as large and will need six monthly follow up for life. She rang me straight away.
I am relieved but there is nothing they can do to shrink it.
Pete is still here, he has been unwell strangely enough with belly cramps. I wonder if there is something here about releasing and letting go. Great news about the betting shop fixed odds betting shop terminals. Who cares if they go broke. I don’t for one. Do I feel sorry for them. Not one bit. Now they will know how we feel after being robbed blind. Hopefully the betting shop explosion will shake out and many will close. The retail sector is doing abysmally and many many jobs are going. When they say that employment is the highest it has ever been, I really don’t believe it.

[i-did-it]

Hi moNica
That’s good news about your daughter- well not as bad as things could have been.
Glad to hear life is going well- Monica where did we ever get time to gamble? I feel it’s good when people post less because they are busy living their gamble free lives but it’s nice to stay in touch .
That’s a good observation about Pete’s stomach trouble – anxiety is often expressed as stomach pain – I wonder if maybe he is anxious about his future without you as his safety net ?

Yes poor William Hill- what a wonderful company to worry about the employees who will lose their jobs ? I wonder how many of them give their money straight back to the company through gambling ? I am so happy to read that there will be one less bit of misery in the world . I hope they drop the stakes are dropped to the lowest bet level.

Hope to catch you in chat over weekend – just missed you last night !

[Monica1]

Good to hear from you.
I had about one hours sleep last night, Mind whirring in a ideas driven positive buzzy way, The herbs make me very buzzy and alert sometimes plus a little bit excitable. i also ate a load of sweets after being sugar free for about 10 days. Had a good day and managed to stay a wake although I still feel a little speedy and buzzy, gotta be the herbs. I just feel happy and full of gratitude to have a job I like with good people. The journey is also very pleasant, lots of greenery.
I felt a few urges this evening but I think it is because I am tired, not surprisingly.
Pete is still not well and went to see the doc, tummy bug they say. I am Ok with him still being here. Might not make group tonight as I think I am going to fall asleep soon.

[Monica1]

Still not registered with gamstop! …. got the photos done though of me holding my passport.

[Monica1]

And I realised why.
Three things happened of probably not major consequence but they affected me without realising it.
Firstly, I got involved in a technical conversation where everyone was trying to look smarter than the other and I forgot something I should have known and I was corrected twice. Then I forgot something really basic on excel, again I should have known but forgot and had to ask someone. I struggle to retain how to do things on the computer sometimes, I could go on ten courses and I still forget. It is a big fear of looking stupid. Yes, there it is, I said it.
Then my sister asked for help with her moving costs which I am happy to do. I remember one time when about three members of my family asked for money in a space of a week. This would have me running to the gambling tables. Why? I ask myself why? Any ideas anyone?

[Monica1]

Saw a member of my group on tv talking about gambling yesterday. Was very proud of her. immensely proud, so courageous.

[Monica1]

Maybe for me it is about stepping up to the plate. I am a high earner and therefore accept that and use it to help my family joyously. The positive affirmation on this reminds me of Sara. Now where has she gone?

[i-did-it]

Phone keeps deleting my posts so I will be brief .
I wa s questioning whether this is something to do with feeling less than or belittled in your child hood ?
We carry so much baggage that we are unaware of ?

[Monica1]

Really annoying when that happens. Twice I did a long post to you last week and it got lost the first time and then the site was up for maintenance. I was smart in school but got bullied because I was from a poor background and had second hand uniform.
I think it is more that I fear losing my brain power which I have mentioned before. I get forgetful sometimes which is common I think as we get older. Ie losing my keys twice this week. There just seems too much to remember these days in everyday life ie where’s my phone, I’d etc. Don’t think neurotropics would help though as the herbs do make me more alert. I should be kinder to myself instead of beating myself up from forgetting things. Today is a new day…

[i-did-it]

I think the more busy we are the more we forget . Technology changes so fast none of us can keep up.
What are the herbs you are taking ?
Maybe I could do with some !lol

[Monica1]

The doc gave me the prescription. Long names. Chinese herbs taste very nasty but they do seem to help. Not sure why they make me so whizzy. Most r for the tummy and liver. My eyes have improved quite a lot, though still not 100 per cent. and he says that my grittiness in the eyes was down to the liver. Well, my liver function was abnormal in the last tests I had done. None of them r antidepressants per se but my Mental energy definitely quite whizzy which makes a big change.

[i-did-it]

That’s sounds very positive – any boost in energy is good .you said before that you are very sensitive to any drugs (I am too so I get it ) so perhaps they are acting a little stronger I. Your body.
I was at a marvellous course about health – I will tell u about it in chat as I think it might identify me if I write about it here .
Let’s just say I always wondered why I am so healthy despite breaking all the rules. I now think I know why. The supplements I am are definitely tweaking a few things and although unfit I feel the best I have done in years .

One day there willbe a computer which will be able to give us all exactly the prescription we need in exactly the right amounts, simply their reading our genes !
Until then I guess it’s trial and error .

[Monica1]

Thanks idi. Look forward to chat. Funnily enough there is a scanner that claims to do same. I read about it and they promote something called infoceuticals. It’s inventor passed of cancer so not the best ad really.
Well, turned on tv ten minutes before wedding having forgotten about it and sobbed whole way through. I think the public hold Harry and Wills close to their hearts and it was about Diana really. Who can forget the sight of the two boys following their mothers coffin? I also cried cos I have never married, no one in the family could afford the luxury of such things and I find it sad that over half our lives were spent in looking for a home and just the basics of life. But I did put a lot towards my daughters wedding so happy to have done that. It was one of the happiest days of my life but still blighted as i had been diagnosed with cancer the week before and would have surgery during her honeymoon.
Things that people take for granted in life was never part of my reality. That may sound sad but it isn’t!
Went to see my Chinese doctor and relaxed this time for the 30 or so more needles. You know you can feel it when you breathe that channels open up in your belly. Asked to be alert but not so whizzy, a bit calmer. Some more herbs today for the lower colon, says liver not so congested. And I have to say the eyes are 70 per cent better and I have had that problem for 9 months. I have to wonder whether something iffy is going on in the home particularly as I recognised petes symptoms with my own. Followed by a tui na massage, bits of your skin pulled off your bones. I felt sleepy and lighter afterwards. Bought some healthy food and cake then had a wimpy. That’s the story of me….
I have said to Pete to hold on to the keys and until Ben makes a decision he can come and go as he wanted. He was visibly relieved at this. He hasn’t been well at all and I don’t want to add to his stress. Nice and gently does it.
I bought Russell brands book on addiction, will see if I can find any nuggets of wisdom. I give thanks today for the money in my pocket and being able to spend it on things I need.

[i-did-it]

In chat now ?

[Monica1]

Sorry I missed you idi, i fell asleep still logged in to chat. Acupuncture makes me sleepy but it passes after 24 hours or so to a more energised state.
I spoke to Pete this morning just to check we were on the same page. He is feeling much better and was back to his confident self taking to his landlord on the phone just to confirm he was actually still moving in. He says he will help me clear some clutter from my bedroom and then hand back the keys, I went shop
I got this afternoon, a whiz visit. I have to be in the mood for shopping and I was in the mood just to pick up the things I need, a couple of tops and some trousers plus wellwoman max idi! It was fun and ony took me a couple of hours. I did t overspend either. I am very capable of overspending but I kept to my budget and wont go shopping again now until I book a holiday. Which I hope to be in the next month or so. I am grateful every day for recovery and for my faith recovering also in a very new way.

[finding_laura]

Perhaps you felt as though you may not have enough and that if you could win some more it would releive the sudden pressure?  I know when I have a lot of bills due and I’m feeling pinched I start thinking of gambling to pay bills.  Not good to admit perhaps but I’d managed to win enough to pay a few things.  But of course it was usually the reason I was behind. Feeling inadequate for any reason can be an uncomfortable feeling.  But feeling that way in front of others where the consequence could be not  getting called back for another contract is down right stressfull.  Gambling was always a very comforting distraction.  Unless losing of course.  Which is usual.  We just keep trying to get back to that place of comfortable distraction.

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica. I am home from my trip. Happy to be getting back into a routine. I’m trying to tackle the last bit of paperwork and clutter. A week or so worth. Then there is my entire basement full of clutter next. I’ve been on this journey for 11 years in total. I am so close to feeling organized and ready for the next chapter of my life. I plan on making the most of it. I think back to the beginning of my journey, that first year or two were transforming in so many way. I remember this as I am watching you go through these improvements in health, thanks to the improvements in job situation! You have spent quite a while taking some pretty hard steps before this transition. Stopping gambling. Getting help in many ways. Telling your family. Doing your piece for the film on poverty. I picture you having hung on a ledge, with little shifts upward. Finding a toe hold here or there, maybe a little twig of a branch. Those oh so hard steps. Now you are hoisting yourself up to the little foot path. You are climbing out of the valley of darkness into the light of the sun. You are reminding me of what a gift that vision can be. Keep focused on your recovery Monica. I’m so thrilled and proud for you. Wohooooo! Reap the rewards sister, you have put in the work.
Laura xo
P.S. I did a little post above in response to your post a few days back. You asked a question and of course I could not resist giving you my version of a possible answer

[Monica1]

Responded to your post and then the system just hung and lost it. Oh blow.
Thanks for response. It was great, won’t repeat my response but will take to,you in chat. Lovely analogy out,of the darkness and towards the sun.

[finding_laura]

Having a quick coffee. Just finished stuffing myself for supper. I see group will be later tonight. Will try again after. ttfn

[Monica1]

Delighted to say havent posted cos been very busy at work getting up early. Enjoying the job. Caught tail end of group last night just at the moment idi logged out. My daughter wants to go on holiday with me. As she has just had a cancer scare I think that would be a great thing to do.
Pete finally going on Sunday and has booked a van. Paid my son back money I owed him. That is now the family debts paid. Now on to the real big debts.
Also got the clinic letter from the hospital, I have a rare but supposedly innocent fatty lump on my pancreas that I didn’t know about. All bloods normal. Liver function now normal. That goes with the cysts on the kidney and liver. The looming endoscopy in June is to exclude pancreatic and gastric disease plus rule out a small intestinal stricture which would explain my symptoms. If nothing found its irritable bowel. Just contrast that with what the Chinese doc said, candidiasis and toxins throughout Gi tract plus scar tissue from old surgery. Hmmmmm. Had one small gut attack yesterday but luckily was working from home. Feeling grateful to be ok.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, I’m glad that your job is going well. You sound positive and motivated. I’m sure you will be relieved to find out what is going on with your stomach. A holiday with your Daughter sounds lovely. Keep doing what you’re doing.

[finding_laura]

Was good to connect for a few minutes. I was out this evening to friends so am around for a late late group. I will be trying to catch the 2pm afternoon group. Depends if I can drag myself out of bed early enough! Will still be morning here. Enjoy the weekend. I’m sure you will still be busy but hope you get some R&R. Keep looking forward to that spa! Laura

[Monica1]

Thanks for your supportive post.
Yesterday my eldest son rang me and we spoke for over an hour. He has had quite a cathartic time and cried a lot over the past week or so not wanting to be alive but same as me not doing it for the love of our family. I know that feeling and dark place well and I know I have done much to connect spiritually and work through and release all of the unhappiness of decades.
He was very calm but wanted his parents to own some of the stuff that had formed him as a person. He knew his stepfather would not own any of it and he also
knew that I would own my stuff. He also told me something deeply personal he had done as a teen which I can’t repeat on the forum. I wasn’t shocked but was glad he had told me. It was honest communication He said that he understood why all these patterns happened because of things that had happened to us as children and he also said that he forgave us. I will admit my pattern early on of being suicidal cos I was deeply unhappy. When my relationship ended with his stepfather which I instigated, I drank too much for a short time. I have rarely drunk alcohol for many years now knowing it for the self medication it is. He admitted to once upon a time wanting to kill pete for the things he had done to me. My son is also deeply unhappy. He has a turbulent relationship with his girlfriend who is much younger than him, 22 to his 36. He gives too much of himself and gets hurt, something I used to do, ie fall in love and fall hard with blinkers on and lose ourselves in the other. Isn’t that something we have all done?
At 60 I am having a relationship with myself and that is ok. The past is being released. He a,so said I was an inspiration and a strong woman because of what i am co querying in a daily basis.
My son went went to France recently to see his girlfriend where she is staying for a while and they had just one of those honest happy times without any expectation of the other. One where the stuff doesn’t get in the way. My granddaughter is going off the rails just like I did. I think this is the healing of the family coming on which I welcome. It is time to heal this stuff and lead happier lives. It didn’t upset me talking about this but it did make me reflect on what made me who I was and how every day we can do better. There are things to heal and things to forgive. I run away sometimes from intimacy of deep feelings with my family because it scares me. I don’t want to love too much because we can get deep,y hurt by that love. The dilemma of living as a human being on the planet.
This is the real things in our lives that shapes us and our patterns.
I also know for true that all,of these things can be transformed in Jesus, I have relented my past life and he can do the things for me that I cannot do, in his mighty name, amen.

[i-did-it]

Monica
This is such a powerful post.
I am not going dissect or analyse it except to say it is a measure of the person you are that your son can confide in you with such confidence and with the knowledge that you will “get” what he is saying without judgement .

Working with families I realise we all do our best how ever that best looks to others . Addiction, trauma , past relationships and adverse childhood experiences- all these things get in the way but we all do our best regardless.
We beat ourselves up when we deem that our best is not good enough .

Your strong faith and love for your family has sustained you through some really tough times . You have come through the worse and better times are ahead of you
Xx

[Monica1]

I really appreciate your insight and comments.
Well, van came round yesterday morning at 10 am for petes stuff. Still loads of bits left. He came here with nothing gand has accumulated so much stuff which coupled with mine makes the house heaving with stuff.
Went to meet my GA friend for coffee and then went to a small GA meeting where she chaired it. Did i enjoy it? It was Ok. I am Monica, recovering cg. others saying I am a cg and a human being. clearly many have a thing with that saying. What do I think about it, still the same, very helpful and a great fellowship,but something about it needs to modernise and change, specially for women. I still feel that and strangely it triggered me slightly although I don’t give that much attention to it. Just noticed it, that’s all. Maybe cos a couple,of new members who had that soul destroyed look, the same look I had when I first came and had for some time after. The one thing I do know is that gamblers in recovery become real and human beings, no fakery. I really like that. My ga friend was the only person who consistently rang me even when I didn’t want to speak, was depressed or unwell. That is an admirable trait. My sponsor couldn’t deal with it.
Went shopping after and came home to no tv in bedroom and iPad wouldn’t charge. Empty house. Pete came back,in the small,hours of the morning and today have realised that the sockets on one side of the flat don’t work and I have no hot water. So no electricity in my bedroom. Oh dear…..

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
It’s nice that you have a friend who truly understands this addiction . The GA I went to was all men and I didn’t fancy meeting up with any of them ! I swear they expected me to make the tea haha- but wouldn’t allow me to carry a chair . They behaved differently because I was there – stoping often to apologise to the lady in the room for their language etc.

I don’t see myself as a compulsive gambler – I see myself as a good person who is unfortunate enough to have a gambling addiction. I don’t have to qualify that I am a human not should anyone else !
However the meetings themselves are helping you – and that is the important thing .

No electriticy – what a pain! Probably a simple fuse if they are only gone in parts of the house . My year old washing machine has broken for the second time – my mother always told me never buy hotpoint – I won’t ever again! It is such a pain !

Soon all petes stuff will be gone and you will have a beautiful clutter free space !

Onwards and upwards Monica

Ps I got joined up to Gamstop!

[finding_laura]

Wow Monica. I hadn’t read your post of yesterday before we chatted in group today. Transformational and soul whispering. You are an inspiration who is showing the younger generations how to heal.

I’m glad you have your GA friend to connect with. It is good to have someone to understand and support you for you. I personally don’t find the term CG offensive, it just means a person who gambles compulsively. Which I did. I think we fill the term with all sorts of associations ourselves. But for those who don’t want to call themselves CG, I always liked I have instead of I am. I have a gambling addiction. I have a problem with gambling compulsively. Instead of being a noun. I agree with IDI. As long as you are getting support from it. I was good at selectively interpreting the readings and putting a feminine perspective on it. Or looking at it from the perspective of a people pleasing passive aggressive personality instead of the seemingly macho self centered CG in the GA literature.

So I wish you a blissfully peaceful week. Of course with loads of work satisfaction. Hope the electricity is back on soon! Enjoy creating your new personal space. Try and create a restful haven for yourself.

One step at a time, one day at a time, we can create a new future. We only need make the next right choice.

Have a great evening xo
Laura

[finding_laura]

Enjoy those new shoes! Taking care of ourselves is a great accomplishment. Have a great week Monica.

[Monica1]

Well today I got up early and went to the shop. On the way I was talking to a neighbour about the electricity when Pete walked in. I swore I saw him look at my neighbour with a territorial glint in his eye. Strange I thought and somewhat amusing.
Considering we have a four hour group this evening no one in when I went in, just missed you again idi. I have spent today reading and finishing Russell brands book in addiction. It was good. Quote, it is alright for you you may think again, and I wouldn’t blame you. It is alright for me but it wasn’t always so, at least I didn’t see it. I felt I pounded and hopeless and it all changed. It became this life as if that was always what had been intended. As if some force was waiting for me to invite it Into my life, when I was ready, ready to let go of all my illusions of misery and power, potency and shame. Unquote.
Because of what has occurred recently with my son I feel like I want to get back on the 12 steps of recovery programme. It has been happening for me anyway without consciously doing it. It looks like I am on step 4 whilst I was completing step 1 when on the ga programme.
Just finished my work and about to pour kettles in the bath for some hot water. Hey ho, only urgent at weekends if all electric goes and I have half a hour of electricity.
Ah well …

[Monica1]

iPad very sensitive today.

[finding_laura]

Good to connect! Have a good week. One day at a time we can do this.
Laura xo

[Monica1]

Not hot water till June 11th and I blew a gasket today. It’s illegal to do that. Round the houses on the phone. Left work half hour early as tired. Pete lost his wallet for the second time in a few months. He’s running around too much, had 90 quid, his oyster and bank card. I felt for him. Signed up to gamstop finally, hurrah!
Sometimes energies are strange in the course of a day, trains were all out of kilter cos it rained…. bet this doesn’t happen in Canada.
Early night for me!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica for your post on my thread. I would me upset if I had no hot water for that long! That’s not right! I hope it can be resolved before then. The daily outside stresses we face can take us over the edge. I’m still meditating and find that it does go calm me. No matter what we face, we have to remember to be kind to ourselves. Have a good sleep and take care.

[Monica1]

Well went for my acupuncture. He wiggles the needles today, ow ow ow in my foot but he agrees I am making progress. Just appreciated doing the shopping and having the money to pay for it. Don’t think I will ever take that for granted again. Lesson learned. Still not hot water. Major complaint coming.
Pete rang and said he would be back tomorrow evening, shift the last remnants and will hand me back my keys mid week. Well that’s that and I can’t help but feel just a tad sad. Just a little bit. Well, we shall have to see what the future brings won’t we?

[i-did-it]

Aw Monica, reading about Pete made me feel a tad sad – so I fully understand you feel this way. It’s the end of an era – or who knows – perhaps it’s the start of a better era- where u can have a friendship which is uplifting for both of you.

It’s been a long time since you were the sole key holder . It will feel strange and maybe very liberating .

You are fully in control of your own destiny now Monica !
You steer that ship !

It’s horrible being without hot water !
Do u have anywhere u can shower ?

Wow look at how much your life has changed .
Well done Monica !

[finding_laura]

Good morning Monica! Not sure where the days are going. Checking in. I guess IT will be the end of an era for you. But you are ending it on good terms. I imagine in some ways it will be freeing. Hope work is going well for you this week. I’ve had some not so good news and won’t be available for a week or so after today. Life keeps marching on. But at least I’m in shape to deal with it. Catch up with you next week some time hopefully. Take care xo

[Monica1]

wow, not posted much as been busy with work, sleep, travel eat, work, home, sleep. Last week of job next week and overall its been good. Very grateful and I have a daily sense of gratitude. Hurrah! Having been in such a bad destitute way for 9 months I so appreciate life in a completely new way now.
Not seen Pete since weekend, he rang yesterday to say bringing over the keys and the dog is missing me. I have to say I miss the dog! I really do. Still no hot water but the end of that is in sight, next Tuesday. Having to use kettles for bathing. Now that is a pain in the butt but hey, wont last forever, been two weeks today without any hot water. My sister moved over the weekend and says cats all rehomed which is a relief. I know parting with them hurt her. Looking at holidays that I can go on with my daughter.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, Wow you’ve been busy. I’m so happy for you that the job has been a good experience. Things have really changed for you. Your perseverance and motivation kept you going! You are a strong woman and a example to me to never give up! You deserve a holiday with your Daughter! Take care.

[Penulis]

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