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    • #17004
      bettie
      Peserta

      Today is my first day here. I was really suprised that so many people feel like they want to die after binge gambling. I am just shocked, I thought it was just me!

      Of all the things in my life I must say I’ve never felt lower than I do right now. I am being threatned with forclusure and I haven’t been ontime with a bill in months. 

      I have loved to gamble since I was a child. Pitching pennies was the start for me. I went to Atlantic City when I was 19, I looked older, and I spent the whole day on $50 bucks, food included. What a blast!

      I played video poker in the bars at 21. It’s not legal but if you are known at the bar all you did was ask the bartender if they "paid out". They took a note of your score on a little pad of paper, shut the machine off, then paid you out.

      Now you might get the impression that I have gambled all my life. The occasional lotto ticket was the majority of my gambling. I made my first trip to Vegas 16 years ago when my sister paid for the trip. She got married and needed a sitter for her daughter. I got to play "Real" machines and loved it!

      This went on for a few years, the annual trip, 100.00 a day budget. Controlled, fun, hoping for a big win. About 16 years ago the "boats" open in Indiana. I had offers to go but declined. I knew I didn’t have the money to spend and somehow I knew I liked it too much. This changed about 5 years ago when a group of work friends were going and invited me along. I was hooked! It started with going 1-2 times weekly after that. I started racking up debt but refinanced my home, took a home equity loan, and built a great credit record. Credit card companys gave me ten – twenty thousand dollar limits and cash advance checks with no interest for a year. I would gamble, get crazy, then cover it with a check.

      I think the real problem gambling started about 4 years ago. I won ten thousand dollars. Like every other gambler I was going to do great things with it. It lasted about a month. I paid some debt, gave some to my daughter, and blew the rest. In the last 4 years I got about eighty thousand dollars in debt, all credit cards. You would have thought they would have cut me off. I knew just how to move that debt so it was building my credit up.

      I find that I barely make enough to pay just the basics. I was living on those credit cards. I started working a second job but I don’t have any money for food and gas this week.I spend money that I need to pay bills. My daughter has been helping me out, not realizing she’s been supporting my habit. I lie, sneek around, avoid family and the few friends I have in order to gamble. I know I have to quit, I have never tried before. I keep thinking I can go back to the yearly trip to Vegas but I know that’s folly. I don’t want to ban myself because I want my free hotel rooms and steak dinners. I know this is false, they have never given me a thing, I paid for it all and then some! This is the start of my journey. I don’t want to EVER feel this way again. I am ashamed and just want to hide from it all. I planned to try a meeting today. I am making excuses and won’t make myself go. Maybe Thursday, I only work 1/2 a day. Thats a trigger time for me. I won’t gamble today. Tomorrow I work both jobs and won’t have the desire then either. Wednesday is a problem.  You all sound like friends. I hope to be in your good company too. Thanks for reading my book!

      — 7/19/2012 7:39:45 PM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17019
      salina
      Peserta

      Hi bettie,
      Well I just read your post. I have been coming here since Jan 2010. I hate to say it but I woke up on sunday feeling the same way. Again!  I have felt so bad so many times but continue to end up at the casino just one last time. It doesnt work bettie.
      This site has really been a great outlet for me. Its my only outlet as I have not yet shared my "secret" to anyone. Not even my husband of 30 years.  I know from all the support and helpline that it is so important to tell the truth. Not just about the cg problem but all the lies that go with it. I will get to that point I am just taking a while to come to terms with just telling myself. 
      It is great that you have realized you need some help. This is a GREAT place to come, share, vent, and unload all those scary hopeless feelings that go with the gamblin binge.
      My story is long as I am sure yours is to, but the bottom line is we both have a problem. A problem that can only be fixed by going through all the GA steps and that includes admitting we have a problem. For some of us it takes longer than others and everyones bottom is different. Bankruptcy, foreclosure, loss of jobs, friends, and most of all our dignity seems to be shared by all. So when I start thinkin I am not like everyone here, I am different, I remember how my life has spun out of control like everyone else here, and it isnt coincidence. It is the consequences of being a cg.
      I hope you keep comin back and share. There are so many great people here to help us through this. It really is a great start for you so dont give up, dont beat yourself up any longer.   I have learned that I should not think about what I have done but what I am going to do to move on and stop the madness.
      Wishing you were dead is a scary thought. It freaks me out that I have gone there in my head more than once. Just remember that those same strong feelings are tellin you to make a change. Not next year or next month or even next week. Just for today bettie. Start today! 
      Best wishes.. my thoughts are definately with you and always keep my grandmothers words in your mind..
      "This too shall pass"this to shall pass

    • #17020
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      Hi Bettie, A Warm Welcome to Gambling Therapy
      Having found us you have also found a diverse community who can help and support you on your recovery journey.
      Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and non-judgemental environment and by reading others stories am sure you will see that you are very much not alone in the issues that you describe.
      Please click here to see our services page, feel free to use all that this site can offer…
      To chat with others in real time you may wish to make use of the support groups, the times of these groups are advertised under "What’s on and When" or click here to see the weekly group schedule.
      For one to one chat you may want to try the live advice helpline. Click "connect" when these options become available.
       
      Take Care
      Harry"You may never know what results come from your actions.  But if you do nothing there will be no result".  – Mahatma Gandi

    • #17021
      kin
      Peserta

      Dear Beattie,
      Happy to see you here, 
      Have Faith in recovery
      Do not give up recovery
      " Faith is to believe what you do not see;
         the reward of this faith is to see what you believe."
      Faith isn’t the absence of fear but the courage to walk through it
      Do nothing and nothing will happen
      By changing attitudes, you too, can regain a new sense of hope, serenity, freedom and joy
       
      may you have a smoother and more successful recovery journey
       
      Gambling only adds to the pain,  
      its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …
      the  side affects actually make the original pain worse

      I must remember to count my blessing

       — 2/23/2010 8:18:01 AM: post edited by kin.

    • #17022
      bettie
      Peserta

      I’m back. Just got home from work. Tried to get a loan aganist my car. Even with the bankrupcy my debt to income is too high for a secured loan. I have my bills on the table, afraid to open them. I have a hardship withdrawl comming from my retirement plan and need that to catch up the mortgage. I don’t know what to do about the rest but I spent my last two checks at the boat and have to repay my daughter at least some of what I owe her. She has bills too.
      Not gambleing, the only good thing about being broke!lol! I have to make myself work out now, good for the mind and sole.
      Tomorrow is another day but a trigger time. MUST go to GA tomorrow. Need to give my checkbooks to my daughter so I can’t float a hot check tomorrow to gamble.

    • #17023
      bettie
      Peserta

      Opened the bills, could be worse. Have to call 2nd mtg company to work out a plan. Don’t want to sleep in my car.
      Did my workout. Going on with my life.

    • #17024
      cully21
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie:
      My screen name is Cully21. I offer you a warm welcome here and I am glad you found this site. I believe I met you in group today. I look forward to meeting you more. You are welcome to visit my thread “New Wild Hair Gambling Procedure.” The community here has been very accepting of me and I have vented an awful lot about a lot of different things.
      I have re-wrote this post several times and it came out long. I have a tendency to do that. Right now I am working on homework. I am a 43 year old male CG who works full time and goes to grad school ¾ time.
      As far as the suicidal thoughts, I have dealt with them on both sides of the spectrum. I have dealt with PTSD, major depression, and anxiety due to a serious work accident 11 years ago. And yes, I have had those thoughts flash by after horrible gambling binges. It is not an option for me though since my former-ex wife committed suicide a year ago in February. We were married 21 years, divorced 2 years ago, she remarried for 6 months, and we were not on good terms, but she was part of more than half my life. Me and my kids will never  be the same. I have a 23 year old daughter, a son who will soon be 21, and a daughter who is 18. My youngest lived with me for the past 2 years. I was moving on after the divorce fairly well, then the suicide re-dug a lot of stuff back up. That will be a lifetime recovery as well I suppose. The lady and the shock of what she did still hits me when I get out of be every morning. 30,000 people commit suicide in the U.S. each year, and this is a conservative number. For each person who commits suicide, at least 6 survivors are left behind, which is also a conservative number. I figured she left around 18. Also, statistics show that survivors are at higher risk of suicide at some point in there lives than non-survivors. Also, there are sources that claim that CG carries the highest suicide rate than all other addictions and CG is the second cause of suicide next to mental illness. I was so focused on dealing with depression risks and the risks of being a survivor and my kids, I did not realize I jumped into another high risk pool But as a recovering CG, I too am a survivor. I praise God for that. I don’t understand a lot of things, but I will praise him. He has walked me through a lot of stuff and he will continue to do so. Free will is something else. We have free will to do the right thing and the wrong thing. I have done both.
      She too was facing foreclosure. It was not from gambling, but she was suffering from mental illness, a work injury herself, and got into a bad relationship. She was a medical professional, another high risk group, but that is what baffles me. She had so much talent and wisdom in that field and witnessed the devastation of death and suicide herself. I don’t understand it and you if you read my posts, you will see that I vent sometimes.
      This is a good site and a good community. We all have baggage here and it is a safe place. I am glad you found us. We are all here for you.
      Oh yeah. One thing I noticed that you and Salina mentioned that really stuck out. You both talked about waking up with thoughts of death. I don’t know if there is any correlation, but I have noticed dealing with my depression for 11 years. These thoughts would often come when I would wake up but try to force myself back to sleep. And sleep is a common escape of depression. But when I would finally get up, the thoughts would subside or go away and I would wonder how in the world I could think such thoughts. Depression has a vicious cycle. But for me, trying to not get up seemed to fan these thoughts. Again. I don’t know if there is any correlation with trying to force sleep and suicidal thoughts or not.
      While I have had many challenges, I have overcome many obstacles as well. Some of it doesn’t make much sense, but God continues to walk me through it.
      Well this looks like another long post. Sorry about that. It was nice to meet you in group today and I think the open chat that will start this Saturday will be promising.
      The title of your post is eye catching, but I would keep it. There are many here who can relate and share with you and may it be a testimony of a successfull recovery for you.
      God Bless and welcome to our community,
      Cully21

    • #17025
      bettie
      Peserta

      Cully21, so glad to see you here tonight! I read alot of your posts yesterday and am impressed with your strength to keep on keeping on! Again, I really did think I was the only one who felt that way.
      I have to go to bed but just wanted to say a quick thanks and I’ll try to post tomorrow.

    • #17026
      p
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie
      Hang in there, keep coming back here, post , read go on group the one on one helpline.  Do all you can to help yourself, self ban if you can? You will not be alone here, you will be so supported, everyone here is in the same boat. i am not gambling, something i didnt think possible a while back.  Ive been where you are, it gets better, it really does!
       
       P – living and learning

    • #17027
      ltlasia
      Peserta

      hi Bettie,
      You are not alone, you are now in a good place,keep reading and posting here and you will see the difference in you.
      It hurts  now and you don’t know where to start but actually you started it already by accepting all the damages gambling has done to our life.You already know that you need help and we are here for you to help because we needed help also.
      Reading other people’s note,gives me a lot of idea on how can i change my life for the better.All of us started feeling bad about ourselves and broke,few days,weeks months and years pass by all the people struggling and want to change, their life is better now and they have peace.
      One day at a time and don’t be  hard on yourself.
      ltlasia
       hopeful

    • #17028
      bettie
      Peserta

      I’m home, got the mail, 5 ad’s for next months promos. Tore some up, need to do the rest. I keep thinking in a few weeks I’ll have money, just $100, was supost to get a room for my birthday and stay over with my daughter. I know she is dissapointed we can’t do that now. I still want to. WHY???!!!! I can’t believe how much I want to float a check or call my gambling buddy to go. It’s only been 3 days since I wasted my check I didn’t even have yet. Need to call someone who doesn’t gamble. Need to go to the GA meeting I found. Afraid to get in the car. If I stay home I’m safe. Need to call someone now!

    • #17029
      bettie
      Peserta

      Never made it off line. Looking for inspritation and found some! The slot machine is like my substitute lover, nonjudgemental, takes what he wants, then tosses me aside! I wonder why I have not found a meaningful relationship in the last 15 years. I accept the same treatment from men that I do from the slot machine!
      I didn’t call anyone because I want to call my gambling buddy. I had to rethink that. Hard not to think about tomorrow, I am worried about 2 weeks from now! Stinkin’ thinkin’!
      Thanks for the support Vera, I prayed someone would reply and here you were! Answer to my prayer!

    • #17030
      vera
      Peserta

      Bettie! Somebody said “Pray as if everything depends on God,and act as if everything depends on you”! “ACT” is the operative word here…(pray too, of course). We can talk and pray all we like, but not until we put our thoughts into actions will we see changes!….Abusive lovers, in real life and in “slot” life can be kept at a distance, and while we are travelling the Recovery Road, maybe we will learn that we deserve better treatment than the type we have tolerated up to now. More to life than gambling Bettie! Much more! I’m trying to convince myself of that. I must be honest and and admit, I have so far not found a replacement for the “buzz”, but maybe I will just have to learn without it….one day at a time!….all the sevens

    • #17031
      p
      Peserta

      hi bettie
      I just wanted to drop in and say hi i hope you are doing ok, no matter what just come back here and post and talk to us  at least you know we are all with you and it so much better to go through this with others in the same boatP – living and learning

    • #17032
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi P,
      Just got done working out, have to laugh at myself. I do everything compusively! When I’m on my "square" I can be so good! I have lost over 100lbs in the last two years, on my own. No, no bindge dieting, hard work, eating well. I am diabetic and was killing myself with food. I still need to lose more weight , I gained 10 lbs over the holidays, decited to "take the holidays off this year’. Mistake! So hopefully I can find the same resolve to gambling before it beats me!
      I’m home, I’m safe and I thank you, I thank you all. One day at a time…..

    • #17033
      vera
      Peserta

      Bettie. Please give me a few tips! I’m way overweight. Weighed myself three days ago. 74 kilos!!!! Help please. I should be nine stone…

    • #17034
      bettie
      Peserta

      Vera,
      Here’s a story I’m proud to share.
      Back in 2007 I had a fissure, ( a tear in the anus-not pretty! ) I had to have surgery to correct it. I was on my back for 2 months trying to heal.( I still went to the casino, hurt like heck! lol!) I don’t know kilos but I weighed around 330 lbs (I should be around 140) I had given up, knew I wouldn’t live to see 50.My doctor wanted to put me on an insulin pump-24/7 attached to a little machine. (I did get approved for gastric bypass but researched enough to know it wasn’t for me. At that time 1 in 200 gained it all back. I know me, I would be the one!) That was August of 2007. Light bulb moment! I watched this disease kill my dad, It wasn’t going to happen to me.About that time a man i knew took an interest in me too-big, fat ugly unworthly me! He talked to me, told me I was beautiful and he wanted to see me live. It started out for him, it ended up for me. What ever gets you there, you know?
      I started to "watch" what I ate, no real diet. I have spent enough on Weight Watchers to know how to eat. 3 meals, 3 snacks, fruit vegatables, lean meats, lots of chicken, no skin. No frying! Replace "white" foods as much as possible, replace with whole grains, wheat pasta, etc. Sweets make you want more sweets and can start a binge.I refuse to be hungry and at 330 lbs you need 11 calories per pound just to maintain your weight (3300 calories a day!) So just by cutting back, eating better, watching the amount of fat (no trans fats!) I lost about 30 lbs in 4 months. At 45 I couldn’t loose like I did when I was young so another friend harrased me about excerise. I whipped out the old Richard Simmons tape I had used 15 years ago but the VCR broke! Just by chance I found Leslie Sansone’s 1 mile walk for diabetics so I thought, I could do that. I took that one day at a time, every day, and added more miles when I felt strong. She has a web sight, walk at home.com, Anyways, I have stalled this past year but by now I usually have gained it all back plus some! I lost more than this back in 1993. In 1994 my daughter was hit by a car and almost killed. I stoped excersing, I gained it all back in about two years. When we neglect ourselfs, bad things happen! She took about 1 year to recover. Right now she has severe back problems, spinal deteration, from the accident. She may need surgery.Thats another story!
      I have pretty much maintained this past year but my blood tests aren’t as good as last year. I am off about 1/2 my medicine. I would like to dump it all! I have been really bad about working out. With this "Gambling Depression" I can’t seem to get up early enough to work out. By the evening I’m too tired but I have done Saturday and Sunday am, Tuesday and Wednesday ( tonight) pm. I usually do a 3-4 mile workout in the am. PM 2 miles are about the best I can do but I have and it helps everything! ( and I still don’t love it but am so glad when I do it). You see, I am trying to find that middle ground. I always did all or none. if I ate cake not only was my day ruined, I was off my "diet" for the rest of the week. Then I quit! I can have cake, 1 piece, but it is a trigger so I don’t have it in the house. All good food here. I have low fat treats (ice cream bars) 100 calories plus fiber but nothing else. Too tempting! But it is just me and the kittys so they don’t want chips around.
      So what does this have to do with CG? It’s really about behaviour. I am a complusive person! But maybe I can be compulsive about good habits instead of just bad ones!
      Thank you for asking Vera and I hope you got some tips.
      I stayed home, almost bed time, made it through today. Tomorrow is a new day, less of a trigger day, not a day I "Always" went to the casino so It should not be too bad. Today I am thankful….
      Bettie

    • #17035
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Wow Bettie,
      What a story.  I was totally involved with it and was oohing and aahing in all the right places.  You may be compulsive, but you have learnt to overcome that with your food.  The same principle applies here, you got through today, you can get through tomorrow, its just another ‘today’.
      Take care, great to see you posting,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

    • #17036
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi all,
      I just checked my account and guess what? I got the distribution I was looking for from my retirement plan! I will not, not, not NOT go to the casino today! I have to get a cashier check to avoid forclosure. That will be done TODAY! My car has to go to the shop and I need my licence plates.
      Need to go to my pt job. I will call my daughter, set up barriers for tonight, get this money spent on the "right" things today and avoid temptation. "Just 100.00"keeps rolling through my head.
      Need to move, my resolve is strong today, I can’t ask for more that. Strong for today, that is a blessing. Need to count that blessing!
      bettie
      ps. another barrier to think about. I am a banker and we can set your debit card to purchase only, or change your limit to $50 for cash. Mine used to be 2000,00 cash! I almost spent all of that once at the casino so my limit now is 500.00. Need to change that to 50.00 when I go back on Friday. You can also "opt out" so you can’t overdraw. I used to see customers come in overdrawn , debit after debit, for 20-40 dollars. We charge $37.00 for each one. I had no mercy and never reversed a fee. I figured that if they could pay the casino they could pay the bank.( maybe I didn’t want to be an enabeler??) I never thought that one day that would be me!

    • #17037
      coalminer
      Peserta

      Hi Bette–
      Interesting on the limits on cards.  In all the years I’ve had making withdrawals I never knew it could be raised.  Glad I didn’t know. I always carry checks in my wallet just so I could get cash beyond the ATMs.  Crazy.
      I hope you were/are able to put aside the money. I had some money come in yesterday and normally would have immediately plotted my next "business" meeting near the boats.  But instead I applied all of it to 1 credit card. It sucks knowing that’s only 1 of 8 but still a start.
      Man I love this site.  Best wishes.

    • #17038
      howanan
      Peserta

      Hi Bette, Keep that determination.  Get that cashiers check and set up those barriers.  Don’t throw your retitement money in a slot trash can………..Keep strong..NancyLearning from the past is useful.  Dwelling on the past is destructive…

    • #17039
      bettie
      Peserta

      Thanks howana.
      Coalminer, Hope I didn’t plant a seed! Down with the limits not up!!!!!lol!
      We do look at your account activity when you ask for an increase. If you od all the time we won’t do it.
      Got to go to work.
      Keep posting!
      Bettie

    • #17040
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi All,
      Stayed safe today, tempted, stayed busy. set boundrys, invited company over, had a good time!
      Peace
      bettie

    • #17041
      howanan
      Peserta

      Bettie,  It is important to keep busy and find other things to replace the gambling.  Keep it up you are doing great…NancyLearning from the past is useful.  Dwelling on the past is destructive…

    • #17042
      salina
      Peserta

      Hi bettie
      I got a chance to read your story. I knew I like you from your first post. Now that i kind of know your story i really like you and admire your honesty and tenacity.  You have lost a lot of weight, you realize you are a compulsive person. I know you will conquer this whole cg thing. I mean  you have proven to me, and I really dont know you, that you can do anything you set your mind to.
      I am a pe teacher. A health, drug and alcohol prevention coordinator. You keep up that exercising no matter what. Regardless of everything else, your diabetes  and your weight issue are so so important for your overall well being.
      I am confident that you have everything it takes to fight this one other compulsive behavior..you are so much stronger that you are giving yourself credit for.
      Thanks for all your support, and reminding me that I am not a hypacrit but an inspiration that made me feel good!
      maybe i ll see you at group tomorrow bettie be good to yourself you deserve it
       this to shall pass

    • #17043
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Nice to see you didnt gamble. way to go
       P – living and learning

    • #17044
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Thanks for the posts! Did ok today, little temptions today but not a trigger day. Still have $$ sitting in my account, trying to figureout how to get the most bills paid. Worked on a budget, helps to see it all on paper. I still have that "just 100.00" thing running in my head but I keep telling myself that would pay my late cell phone bill. I made a "deal’ with myself. I keep telling myself I can’t go and that makes me sad, like a little kid being told no so now I am telling myself i can go gambling when all bills, personal loans, and mtg’s are paid up and $$ is in savings and I have made a trip to see my nieces and my car is running properly. That should carry me into next year!
      I really hope that thought carries me through the weekend. I expect tomorrow to be tough. I am a pesamist but thats not always the worse thing, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Very glad to see 48 hour chat, that should help!
      Ok, someone help me with the time change. I am in a central time zone. I think I am 5 hours behind?? Sorry, I have never traveled far and most midwesteners think the world revolves around them and only the rest of the world has an accent. lol!
      Salina, I see you as a friend too! I am so glad you feel the same! I find myself wishing I could fly to CA and help you ban! ( yea, because I’m so perfect now, haha!) ( like I’ve banned myself!) I am high on a 5 day no gamble binge! I’m sure I could "fail" at anytime and don’t want to think that way, like a self fulfulling profitcy ( can’t spell, can’t figureout spell check!).
      Nancy, thanks for the support! I went to dinner with my brother, had dessert too!(Sorry Salina, bad for the diet!!)
      I do need that hobby, any suggestions??
      Peace
      bettie
       

    • #17045
      donnadonut
      Peserta

      Hi Betty,
      I just read your post today, you are doing great, well done!  Posting and reading on here definitely helps.  Well done on losing weight, I know how you feel about the addictive personality thing, I am with you on that!  Need to channel that into positive things as you have done.
      D x

    • #17046
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Bettie
      Just popped over from F&F to say it was great to meet you in the new chat room this morning.  Hope to see you in there again soon xx
      Love
      Velvet xx

    • #17047
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys, Saturday afternoon, doing 4 loads of wash I couldn’t do last week due to no money for quarters! This will take awhile.
      Daughter is on her way over. DMV gave me an extention for my plates, My car won’t pass emmissions test. I thought for sure I would be without a car next week! What do you know, something worked out and things are looking up! Yea!
      Gotta stay busy. Saturday is a "casino" night. Hope daughter stays late!!!! Will look at chat soon too!
      Peace
      bettie

    • #17048
      ddsroad
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      Nice to meet you this morning on the chat.  Looks like you are making progress.  As we all know, it is slow, but we can do it one day at a time!  I’m glad you’ve come to this site.  I have found it and the people absolutely wonderful.  Stay strong tonight!  Weekends are my tough time too, so I know how you feel.  We’re here for you!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

    • #17049
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi DD, Hi Everyone,
      Didn’t plan to confess but I blew it yesterday. What’s the saying, The road to hell is paived with good intentions? The plan to gamble has been in my mind since Wednesday, since $$ went to my account. I talked, I posted, I placed (some) barriers, but I failed counting on other people to call me to keep me home. I did leave casino when my daughter called. She was over but left with her boyfriend. I resent him. When she moved back to the area I thought we would spend more time together but I’m out ranked!
      I must not blame my "support system". I have been somewhat of a loaner, not by choice, but everyone thinks I have this great soical life. My social life is basicly being with a man who is "seperated"and has 8 kids by 4 woman. He doesn’t want a "relationship". Even he doesn’t think I’m good enough for him! The rest of my "social life" consists of going to the casino. If I stop, what am I going to do?? Sit around here and eat??
      Can you say pitty party?? Crying now, feeling useless!
      Got a wake up call from CC Company. I went over limit on my card at the boat 3 weeks ago so now they wake my stupid *ss out of bed on Sunday mornings to make sure that they will get at least a minimal payment.
      Should go on open chat, too ashamed to do that too. See, even I knew I was being smug and my head kept telling me don’t brag, you will fail and how are you ever going to tell anyone?
      I do this when I try to quit smoking. I won’t tell anyone because I expect to fail and just don’t want to see their dissapointment in their faces or hear the "I told you so" . I don’t want any accountabality! Immature reaction? You’re right!
      If I could find the courage to ban I know I would keep my money where it should be. I have a large amount from a retirement plan coming in May. My retirement money is almost gone. I know I will have to work until I die and won’t ever retire. My fault!
      I could keep whinning but even I’m sick of hearing it!
      Got to stop crying, check my blood sugar, sky high I’m sure because I went on an eating binge after the casino binge!
      I may not have to wish myself dead if I eat like that because it just might kill me! Funny, how can you not want to die but wish you were dead???????????????????
      wishing you peace, hoping i can find some
      bettie

    • #17050
      ltlasia
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      What is done is done and you will not be able get it back.Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you are here and trying to help yourself and this is what you want.Forgive yourself and move on, do the first right thing that come up your mind.
      I always read other people’s thread and it helps me stay strong because I can see what will happen once i go back to casino.It is hard but a little prayer and faith will help.
      There are so many things you can do when you are alone because you own your time,just start looking around.
      I hope you will find peace and serenity.
      ltlasiahopeful

    • #17051
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Vera
      yea, chat went down,my" friend" stopped by so timing was good. He suprised me. He is not good for me but some times i just want to feel something besides numb.
      I don’t know what the health care system is there but even with insurance my medical bill are very high. Co payments are outageous but i get a pay roll deduction that is placed into a credit card for medical only. That saves me because I am insulin dependent and would spend money at the casino before buying medicine. That is how serious this cg is.
      Call a lawyer about this money stuff. I’m sure the law is different there than here. If repayment is unrealistic there may be a better way. At a mininum you may be able to repay with out the burden of paying interest on that loan. here i know that they can’t get retirement income.
      Tomorrow starts a new week. I can see I must must must do a better job of protecting myself from this toxic life.
      I have got to stop stressing about my job. I must realease my brain from the stress I put in there and find an outlet for my idle time. So much can be done for free. Maybe I’ll get a new library card. Haven’t had one in years. Look at the self help books. I should have been a doctor. I can figure out the problems but not the cure.
      This was in my horoscope today.
      "Its one thing to know where you want to go, it’s another thing entirely to have the wisdom to actually get there."
      Peace
      bettie 

    • #17052
      bettie
      Peserta

      How do you make a profile signature??

    • #17053
      female g
      Peserta

      hope the day comes for you that will see you happy soon.  Mice to have chatted and we are all here for each other. One day at a timeG

    • #17054
      paul315
      Peserta

      Originally posted by bettie

      How do you make a profile signature??

      Good morning Bettie, my name is Larry (screen name paul315) and I am a Compulsive Gambler, my last bet was Aug 13, 2009. I haven’t posted to you before but have been reading your sharing. 
      In answer to your question above; in the right hand corner of the orange heading there is a option for Your Profile, click on it and follow instructions.
      You can also find other instructions throughout this site and in all the post from others, ones concerning your future profile of being gambling free; most of the information is repeated many times by each of us, but repetition is one of the better ways of learning, so keep reading and posting -participate. Bare with us and learn from the lessons of our mistakes, and even some of our accomplishments. 
      God’s speed. Use your Higher Power to give you strength and guidance.
       Larry"Day Two Is Still Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will not face another Day 2.

    • #17055
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Thanks for the help Larry, I got it straight now.
      Got to go to work.
      Bettie

    • #17056
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      I’m home, tired as heck, need to get ready for tomorrow.Vera, as tired as I am today was a better day, thanks!
      bettie

    • #17057
      vera
      Peserta

      sleep well Bettie..hope you feel better tomorrow. Its 3 am. Im going to sleep now too. Back to wrk on Thursday. No moonliting then..I’ll have to be up at 6.30. I work 12 hour shifts! I read up on the Bankrupcy rules in Ireland. I think I’ll stick to my present arrangement!…….. all the sevens

    • #17058
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Vera and all,
      broke it off with"friend" tonight. Took a Valiem,going to cry myself to sleep. It’s best but I hurt so much.
      bettie

    • #17059
      howanan
      Peserta

      Bettie . . I know how hard it is to loose a friendship.  Please don’t let this drag you back to the casino.  Get out, take a walk, go to the mall, go to the library, just be around people.  This too shall past.  You’re in my thoughts and prayers.  Please stay strong…………All is well . . . NancyLearning from the past is useful.  Dwelling on the past is destructive…

    • #17060
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Howana
      This is yet another distructive behaviour of mine, setteling for less than I deserve. After 3 years he decited for another try with his wife. Didn’t say a word about it when he was here Sunday night. It wont work, but I’m not going to be there every time he screws up and she tosses him out.
      He can’t have us both, sorry, he shouldn’t have either one of us. The real down side is that I can talk to him freely about my CG. He is really the only one who knows the full scope of this.
      I guess I’ll have to burden you all with that now, Glad you’re here!lol!
      bettie
       It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17061
      dom251
      Peserta

      Originally posted by bettie

      Today is my first day here. I was really suprised that so many people feel like they want to die after binge gambling. I am just shocked, I thought it was just me!
      Of all the things in my life I must say I’ve never felt lower than I do right now. I am being threatned with forclusure and I haven’t been ontime with a bill in months. I filed bankrupcy last year and have to face what got me there.
      I have loved to gamble since I was a child. Pitching pennies was the start for me. I went to Atlantic City when I was 19, I looked older, and spent the whole day on $50 bucks, food included. What a blast!
      I played video poker in the bars at 21. It’s not legal but if you are known at the bar all you did was ask the bartender if they "paid out". They took a note of your score on a little pad of paper, shut the machine off, then paid you out.
      Now you might get the impression that I have gambled all my life. Not true. The occasional lotto ticket was really the most I ever did. I made my first trip to Vegas 16 years ago when my sister paid for the trip. She got married and needed a sitter for her daughter. I got to play "Real" machines and loved it!
      This went on for a few years, the annual trip, 100.00 a day budget. Controlled, fun, hoping for a big win. About 16 years ago the "boats" open in Indiana. I had offers to go but declined. I knew I didn’t have the money to spend and somehow I knew I liked it too much. This changed about 5 years ago when a group of work friends were going and invited me along. I was hooked! It started with going 1-2 times weekly after that. I started racking up debt but refinanced my home, took a home equity loan, and built a great credit record. Credit card companys gave me ten – twenty thousand dollar limits and cash advance checks with no interest for a year. I would gamble, get crazy, then cover it with a check.
      I think the real problem came about 4 years ago. I won ten thousand dollars. Like every other gambler I was going to do great things with it. It lasted about a month. I paid some debt, gave some to my daughter, and blew the rest. In the last 4 years I got about eighty thousand dollars in debt, all credit cards. You would have thought they would have cut me off. Not their fault, I knew just how to move that debt so it was building my credit up.
      Since the bankrupcy I find that I barely make enough to pay just the basics. I was living on those credit cards. I started working a second job but I don’t have any money for food and gas this week.I spend money that I need to pay bills. My daughter has been helping me out, not realizing she’s been supporting my habit. I lie, sneek around, avoid family and the few friends I have in order to gamble. I know I have to quit, I have never tried before. I keep thinking I can go back to the yearly trip to Vegas but I know that’s folly. I don’t want to ban myself because I want my free hotel rooms and steak dinners. I know this is false, they have never given me a thing, I paid for it all and then some! This is the start of my journey. I don’t want to EVER feel this way again. I am ashamed and just want to hide from it all. I planned to try a meeting today. I am making excuses and won’t make myself go. Maybe Thursday, I only work 1/2 a day. Thats a trigger time for me. I won’t gamble today. Tomorrow I work both jobs and won’t have the desire then either. Wednesday is a problem. I will find a meeting for then too. You all sound like friends. I hope to be in your good company too. Thanks for reading my book!
      you don’t know what life has in store for you

    • #17062
      vera
      Peserta

      Dear Bettie, I’m sorry and glad that you brooke up with somebody who , posing as a friend, used (abused?) you!…You are right. You deserve better. He is not the only one you can talk to about your gambling. We are all here for you . Maybe this would be a good time to join GA too?…….SOOO tired. back to work today and after a 12 hour shift I had to drive to the city centre to collect my son. Home and in bed now! quarter to midnight!…….keep posting..all the sevens

    • #17063
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Still here, no boat. Went to dinner w/my daugter and brother. Daughter embarrased me. Thought she remembered I have no cash. I had a coupon for a free meal and assumed that she was paying tonight. She made a fuss about splitting the bill. I couldn’t remind her in front of my brother that I had no cash. I need to call her and tell her what an *ss she made me look like!
      I guess she’s not used to me being so broke. Not her fault, all mine!
      I hope life has some better things in store for me, the last 10 have not been the best and this year  has had a pretty rocky start!
      Need to count my blessings, things could always be worse!
      Hanging in there, Vera get some rest!!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17064
      salina
      Peserta

      oh my bettie
      i think it would be great if you sat down and told your daughter how lousy that made you feel. Maybe she doesnt understand the full picture.
      I can only imagine how that made you feel. But ya know, who cares? You have got to take care of you and not worry about others and how others feel or think about you right now.  It is so important to focus on you!  All the other stuff will be taken care of when you start putting you first. You’ll see and as far as gamblin goes I am learnin so much from your post.
      You dont need it bettie you really dont!
      hang in there i am here and plan on supporting yathis to shall pass

    • #17065
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Salina, Hi guys!
      S, I did talk to my daughter. She said, Oh Mom, you know I was just playing with you! I told her I am walking a very fine line here and little things really bring me down. The CG fight,the money, the ex "friend with benifits", it’s all a little bit too much for me right now. It’s not funny when you had all the credit in the world and could pick up a tab any time you felt like it. I’m not used to being in this position and I’ve not got my usual sense of humor right now.
      I hate being broke but I did this! I have to laugh because the casino I went to is in bankrupcy too! With all my money I just don’t see how! LOL!
      Gonna catch somes posts. Called an old boyfriend and have a "maybe" date tomorrow. He is a truck driver and is gone alot. He’s good for a steak dinner and some laughs. We are more like real friends, at least he likes to show me off in public, not like the other one. Wish the weather was better, he has a great motorcycle and I love to ride! I almost fell asleep the last time we were riding. The way the seat is you can’t really fall off! That sounds so relaxing and fun right now! I could really use some fun!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17066
      charmou
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      Just a short note to say well done.  Its hard in the beginning to find solid ground but you can do it.  Your right, addiction is hard but I believe that this where all the best lessons are learnt.  I believe there is a reason why we have been given this challenge to overcome.  Someone once said to me "if it doesn’t kill you it will make you stronger".  You are well on your way to being stronger.  For that, I want to say "thank you" for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.  We as CGs lived in the dark for so long and when there is someone brave enough to say "I have had enough..I will fight this" is so inspirational to many viewers (including me).  I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone…there are many of us who have thought these thoughts, and there are many who have acted on those thoughts and there are many who have made decisions to do something about it.  In my darkest moments, unfortunately (or fortunately?) I see clearly what this addiction can do to me and its not good.  I would rather walk in the light than in the dark, so I have chosen to fight the battle again. 
      Unfortunately its going to get harder before it gets easier so keep strong and stay focused on the "now" and what you are trying to accomplish and hopefully you will see progress for what it is and it will motivate you to continue down this road of recovery.  From past experience, the best years of my life were when I was not gambling but getting there again for me is going to be a challenge (am I up to it..YES YES YES).  When it comes to your finances , take it slow and be careful with all of the worrying and stress that comes with owing all that money.  I found that once I got on the straight and narrow, the people I owed money to came around knowing that I was being honest with them and that I was trying to change.  You didn’t create this mess over night and you certainly won’t change it over night.  Its the sickeness ,we want it all to go away now.  Quick results do not help us ever, we need to take the long road to really feel the benefit of our changes.  So sick, but true lol.
      I am so grateful for the website and the many members who are fighting the battle with me "one day at a time".
       CharmaineChange is not hard…my resistance to change is solid rock and I need a sledge hammer to get through it. (I am working on it lol)

    • #17067
      vera
      Peserta

      not coming to the chat room today Bettie?all the sevens

    • #17068
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      Tried to post eariley and the web site kept kicking me off. Very busy today, two b-day parties. My ex husbands boy turned 14 and my niece turned 17.
      I wanted to respond to Charmaine. I understand when you fall to the bottom of the hill it’s hard to get up! I have lost this weight twice before, when I was 16 and again at 30. I gained it all back plus after my daughters accident( she was hit by a car when she was 12) and I wasted years avoiding seeing people because I felt so bad about my failure. What a waste! These folks I cut out of my life could have supported me but instead I lost the majority of them by not reaching out. Lession learned, the hard way as always!
      I know its hard but reach out to those GA people. I sure alot wonder what happened to you and will welcome you back!
      I too, worry about what others think of me. Hard habit to break. I try to please everyone except my self. Time to change that!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17069
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Keep trying to post but having trouble with the site kicking me out!
      No boat tomorrow! Bills already sent out, can’t stop them now, money well spent for a change!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17070
      ddsroad
      Peserta

      Bettie,
      Awesome to hear!  Looks like you are making some steps which is great!  Just keep hanging in there and coming back.  You can do it!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

    • #17071
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      Well done, you are doing a great job, ensuring your bills are paid, it really takes the pressure off!
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

    • #17072
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      I’m home, worked out for an hour, plan to stay home (trigger night). Really want to go but I think I’ll read posts instead. I just won’t go today!
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17073
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie good on you for staying in and reading posts.  That’s what i did too, i post like crazy sometimes.  I was pretty much glued to this site to start with and i always start and end my day with it when i can.  I hope you are doing well, remember we are all here with you
       P – living and learning

    • #17074
      vera
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie!..I was looking out for you in the chat room. Are you coming in for a visit. I ll try again later!..all the sevens

    • #17075
      stg033
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie I was reading you frist post today it,s kind of funny I never woke up wishing I was dead becuse of gambleing just when I lost all of the money that I din,t what to spend I feel like beatend my head up side the wall for me wakeing up wishing I was dead is alot I use to think of killing myself why I don,t really know the gambleing seem to take me away from that thinking I would guess becuase I was to busy with my mine on the slots I never really gamble before Frist time it was at the fair some kind of match box game spend my paycheck feel like shit and whated to just die after that I for years din,t gamble then once a year I would go to AC with 100 and play and always left with that money
      I din,t go there for years and what did the Gov of Pa do let the dem places open up here well I had to check it out The frist time was funny I was sitting at a slot looking for were you put the .25 someone had to tell me you had to put dollars in anymore lol
       

    • #17076
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Vera, Hi Guys!
      haven’t been on the chat, work schedules getting in the way. Need to work out, not gambling is putting weight on me and I can’t let that happen.Will try to chat later.
      (funny about the quaters!)
      bettie

    • #17077
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      What a happy chat yesterday! I even had a dream that i banned my self. A big part of what is stopping me is the thought of not having anyplace to go when I am lonely. Gambling has been a social outlet even though when i go with my buddy we split up and play alone. I know in my deepest heart of hearts that i would go to the boat if I had some way to  get at some money. I need to stop but i don’t want to. Stupid isn’t it? I really don’t mind loosing if I only spend what I entend to. This past month was the first time I spent two weeks pay in a row and it really freaked me out! Did I catch myself before it gets like that all the time until I’m on the street of was that a momentary slip?
      This gambling is just like dieting. I always thought that once I lost the weight I could eat like a "normal" person. That led me to loose and gain back over 100lbs two other times in my life. Now my sick brain thinks I can control this gambling monster again. WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!! I have read enough posts to know it doesn’t work like that but even if I ban where I like to go there are many back doors to close too. I am overwelming myself looking at the whole picture.
      No gambling today, none tomorrow. Thats as far as I can think right now.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17078
      salina
      Peserta

      Well Bettie,
      I am not sure where I will go or what I will do now that I have banned. It is scary in many ways but it is more scary for me to think that I could continue. I was getting way to out of control and no matter how hard i tried i could not gamble normally.  I think I just had enough when i realized I played the slots with the house payment This is unacceptable to me and i guess I can say today that that was my bottom. I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. That is why I did it. And ya know it wasnt that bad. I mean its only day 1 really and tomorrow I might be sorry for what I have done. I dont care. FOr today, it is a sense of freedom that I havent felt in oh so long. I want to feel this feeling instead of the way I was feeling.
      Please be patient with yourself and the dream about bannin it can come true, I am looking forward to hearing you say you did it!this to shall pass

    • #17079
      sereneone
      Peserta

      Bettie, if you have gambled since your post please don’t let that stop you using the forum. You are aware that you need to change and will find people here to support you. Sending you love and light from Australia. You deserve abundnce in life but as you know that abundance will not come from gambling, but by living an honest life. You are enough xx

    • #17080
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Thanks for the advice. weak moment, all is well. Going to workout. Windows open, sun is shinning, it’s a beautiful day even though I have not gotten used to the time change.
      Hang in there Salina, you’re doing great girl! ( no pressure! lol!)
      peace
      bettie

    • #17081
      howanan
      Peserta

      Bettie,  You know that we are CG.  This is a progressive addiction.  Where $20.00 was enough to play on, it now takes many times that.  And if we stop gambling for years, just like an alcholic we pick up right where we left off.  We will loose everything.  And I mean everything.  It is just not worth that few minutes of thrill to suffer the gambling hangover.  We can not place that first bet.  Hope you are enjoying this weather.  It is suppose to be mid sixties today here in Maryland.  Have a great St. Patrick’s Day…………….All is good ..NancyLearning from the past is useful.  Dwelling on the past is destructive…

    • #17082
      new beginning
      Peserta

      Hi Betty! hope you had a good day! take it one day at a time…just try to curb the urge to gamble, there are a lot of strategies you can use. take a walk, get together with a friend, talk to someone about your urge, tell yourself you can get through one more day of not gambling.
      your thoughts of suicide are scary to me. you do not want to commit suicide….you have so much life to live, so much love to give, even if you don’t believe you do! it is the gambling that makes you feel suicidal. you are not alone. i’ve gone on so many binges and won…..then left and went back………lost it all over again, and again. i get back to even…….from being down over $1000, $1500, and i STILL DO NOT LEAVE! these are the times i felt like ending it all. i thought…."who could possibly love me like this? how can i ever tell anyone that this is who i am and what i do? i hate myself, i would be doing people a favour, they wouldn’t have to deal with me being so miserable all the time"
      but i got home and looked in the mirror and cried and thought…huh…..how the hell did you get here, to this low point in your life? i used to have so much love to give, had so much fun, liked spending time with friends and family, liked doing things for myself, like treating myself once in a while to shopping or something little like getting my hair done. but while i was gambling steadily, all that changed. i never spent any money except at the casino, i wouldn’t eat regular meals, cause i would get free food there, buffets, etc. i would rack up the points and spend them on gifts, so i would convince myself that at least i was doing something right. but it wasn’t right because i still felt empty inside, like i had a secret.
      so one day i lost it all, i got angry at every hand i would lose, i chased my bets, i got wreckless and i lost everything, probably $3000 in one day. you might think this is a lot, but not for me. for me this was all of my savings. i am a waitress, i don’t have kids, but i don’t have any savings at all…..i worked so hard for that money. and it’s gone.
      so i self banned myself, this is a good first step to recovery. you will feel so much better. it needs to be done.
      then i told my family, my boyfriend, etc. i broke down like a baby….i felt so stupid and remorseful. it had to be done though. they were accepting of my problem and tried to understand. but i don’t think anyone really understands, except other cg’s. you are not alone! your thoughts are similar to what mine were like at the peak of my gambling around last christmas. i quit jan 20th and then relapsed two days ago. but i’m getting there. every day is getting better. i used to go two or three times a week to the casino, now i’ve gone twice in almost 3 months. it’s a start. now that i’ve recently relapsed i’ve really learned what this has done to me. i want to do so much better, and i know that i can do a lot better if i try a little harder every day.
      i don’t have the urge to gamble today. i’m sick of that feeling. i have the urge to feel positive about the future, and look forward to saving my money (in an account that i cannot touch for my own safety). i want to build better relationships with my family and friends. i want to be free from this gambling addiction. i’m so much better than that. and so are you!!! and so are all of us cg’s. we are in this together
      if you have other thoughts of suicide i think you should really talk to someone about your gambling, and your suicidal thoughts too. you don’t want to do anything drastic that you don’t want to do! gambling can make you feel at your worst, and if you get a hold of your gambling and commit to quitting, your negative thoughts about yourself will subside and you will feel so much better.
      god bless you, i am thinking of you, have a good night
      from,
      new beginning (aka Bonnie)everyday is another chance to turn it all around

    • #17083
      vera
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie! wish I had your energy to workout…Im in bed since Sunday morning! 10 am Monday now. Have to take a flying leap into my clothes to go to the airport to collect my son…….he lives like royalty come to think of it! All college etc expenses paid……I’ve had the use of his laptop for the 5 days he was away. Im working Fri Sat and Sunday so I wont be in the chatroom at the weekend…Its our wedding anniversary today!……..stay strong Bettie!……I told you I had an out of the blue call on my mobile at work from my FWB!……(such a great description for opportunists who pose as friends!)….have to fly now….hubby giving dirty looks….keep in touch!…..all the sevens

    • #17084
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Everyone,
      So Nice to see you all here. Vera, talk about bad habbits, went with "fwb", my resolve is so weak! Had a nice enough time but I really need to cut him off for good! He is so toxic to me. The blind date for today isn’t going to happen. He sent me a beautiful message to set up this date but has not responded to me to set this date up. I don’t get it, we have been talking on and off since November, met on an online dating site.I suspect he has a girl friend and contacts me when he gets mad at her. I have met enough jerks to know somethings not right here! 
      Got into an arguement with my daughter about $$.
      She is in the middle of a bankrupcy and needs to pay her lawyer. She lent me $$ after the big bindge, I paid her some but she owes a friend some $$ and told me to pay her friend back. She was crying about how broke she is. She is blaming my CG for her being short of money. I told her at least I can account for my $$. She has 2x the income I have and half the bills. She hasn’t paid on her mtg in 9 months and frankly is very defensive when I ask where the money is. I think she is doing some kind of heavy duty drugs, her boyfriend is a "pot head" but I’m sure it’s more than just that. She’s 28. What do I say with out her cutting me off??
      B, as for the sucide thoughts, I’ve only had them after a big binge. I do not feel that way when I am not gambling which is a wonderful feeling! When I had the big binges in Feb I had panic attacks thet kept me up all night and wished I was dead so I didn’t have to face up to what I did.I mannaged to sepnd the night with a friend because I knew what was going to happen so I wouldn’t have to be alone feeling that dangerious feeling.Yea, I do need more help with this. I keep thinking I will go to a meeting. I will, it’s just a matter of time.
      Thanks for the posts, S,N,B,S and V!
      I’ll check posts latter. got to go to work. Birthday is Sat, 47 this year! Boy 50 is almost here!
      love you all,
      Bettie

    • #17085
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      My other guy "friend" came over today. I told him about my Cg. I can’t believe I did it. I spilled my guts! I wonder if he will ever call me again. The consept of how serious this is went over his head at first. By the time he left i was almont in tears and so was he. I am depressed about the blind date not coming through. I want a real relationship with a man who wants the same. I have’ve only had that once in my life, that was with my husband and that was 27 years ago!
      Depressed, lonely, sad. Almost went to the boat, went to the goodwill and bought a pair of shoes instead. Daughter called, met me for a snack. Want to cry, tears falling now. I just can’t get a break. gonna go to bed.
      bettie

    • #17086
      salina
      Peserta

      Hi bettie
      just checkin in to say hi. I am on day 5 it feels good although some of the emotions have been overwhelming. Anyhow, sunday is a day or two away kind of scary, but ya know self bannin really  makes it a whole lot easier cause its not an option. So I just want to say thinkin bout you and hopin you have considerd the whole self ban thing.
      Keep in touch
       this to shall pass

    • #17087
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      I blew it yesterday. got off work early for my long weekend, went to see a friend in Indiana, picked up my gambling buddy and went to the boat. Due to cash restrictions I didn’t kill my budget but I couldn’t leave a winner. My friend had to leave so I took her home AND WENT BACK! Stayed out until 3:30 am, lost what I "won" then added 30 bucks to that!
      Really sad at midnight to find myself alone, sitting in front of a GD slot maching with the small screen flashing "Happy Birthday".
      I did mannage to have a nice day today, spent day w/family and my daughter invited a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time.
      When am I going to get serious about quitting?? I am telling myself it’s ok, not a big loss. Thats not really the point. All these losses add up and if I can’t keep a "win" then why bother going? What is fun about this? I don’t get it.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17088
      salina
      Peserta

      So hi Bettie!
      I guess you are just not ready to quit!  When you are you will know. It makes things so much easier to self ban. I know I am new at this self exclude thing, but for today it really has helped my train of thought. Its not an option for me to gamble and I like it. 
      You will see what I mean cause I know you are right behind me…and I am here rooting for you.
       this to shall pass

    • #17089
      howanan
      Peserta

      So HAPPY belated  BIRTHDAY.   You came back so all is not lost.  Listen to Salina.  Think about the self exclusion.  Think of what you have done with the money you lost.  A new purse for your birthday?  Glad you came back and told us.  Keep stong Bettie…..NncyLearning from the past is useful.  Dwelling on the past is destructive…

    • #17090
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Nancy, Hi Salina,
      Weak, weak weak! I am a cg mess if ever there was one! I spent the night at the casino hotel, i had planned it weeks ago but wound up by myself. My daughter doesn’t want to enable me by going ( or take time away from her boyfriend). I know, maybe thats the cg but I don’t think so. FWB was suppost to show but didn’t so I stayed in the hotel, broke by 10, and spent a restless night by myself. Sounds like great fun, doesn’t it??( see what a great support he is for me??lol!)
      Almost banned, walked past security 2x, but just couldn’t do it! I called my aa buddy today and couldn’t tell her what I did. I might see her this week so since I have no $$ and used my comps up maybe I will find the courage to have her go with me and just do it!
      Pray for me to find the strength to do this! It will make my life so much better, I just know it will!
      bettie

    • #17091
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      I believe you can use these slips to your advantage and learn…do something you havent done before, be it exclude, tell your friend, something that can be taken as a positive.  You are strong Bettie, the addiction is burying you right now and its hard to see past it, its blocking you.
      I know your birthday wasnt a particularly happy one, but i am sending you birthday hugs across cyberspace.  We all have an inner strength, sometimes its hard to see, but it is there.  Break out the wonder woman outfit girl, and move forward from this.
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

    • #17092
      bettie
      Peserta

      Thanks Kathryn
      I am sick of myself. Mtg company called, trying to get some of this mortgage relief. In the long run I don’t think it will make more $$ for gambling. If I can get a reduced payment it will free up money but will also reduce some stress. I am looking at a hospital sponsered gym and woud love to have the money to go. Think positive! Do something right! Stop procrastnating! I got coupons for free buffet at the casino. Have I gotten rid of them? NO! I am trying to figure out how to use them without gambling. Who am I kidding?? Thats like saying I can play $20 and leave! I’m even laughing out loud at that one! This buffet is GREAT, the best one in town but it’s not Really FREE! I will waste 100-200 just for going. How many really great meals could I get for that??
      Need to thing about something besides CG. I been online all day!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17093
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      I read my thread trying to figure out my trigger this time. How do you work on your own self esteem? I can plainly see that the sadness of the unfulfilled date, seeing the fwb, feeling lonely on Sunday, they all led to this last binge. I need to make the calls and stop waiting on people to call me. I keep thinking if so and so only called me I would have stayed home. Maybe I need to reach out.
      Every mistake is a learning experance.
      peace
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17094
      salina
      Peserta

      hmm bettie
      i read your post
      i am not the best person to talk to right now but i do know that you are on you are on your way to being able to self exclude. I just know it. Its just a matter of time and you will be posting about how it "wasnt that bad". I will wait bettie and be here with open arms to embrace the moment with you/.
      So be it…this to shall pass

    • #17095
      female g
      Peserta

      hey bettie hope your ok and be-lated b-day wishes even if you didn’t spend it the way you expected too.  So be it.  What have you learned though that is what is important.  I haven’t self excluded but have done everything else to reduce the amount of destruction I can bring apon myself.  the hardest thing I DEAL WITH IS THE SPEEDIN WHICH I CAN GO FROM BELIEVING I NEVER WHAT TO SET FOOT BACK INTO A CASINO TO FINDING MYSELF THERE.  IT TRULY AMAZES ME BUT I QUESS IT TOO IS SOMETHING WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND. oops caps. I have been trying to change alot of this addiction and some tmes i am quite good and other times just out of control.  So here I am again struggling to believe that I will stop completely and stop just giving all my extra money away to the casino.  I want to focus on keeping the money and using it to find more memorable ways to enjoy it,  I am moving into a new home in a few months and need to focus on that.  So I am intending to not go for at least a few months to save up for furniture etc.  Retraining the brain seem to be the most difficult.  I have discovered that the only jackpots I witness are those people who max out the bets and so when they win they are just getting more to play with so they aren’t winning away.  There are so few major winners too. One thing I have done is to just walk around and watch the players and am beginning to realize that it is a joke to believe anything good comes from gambling.  So i hope you will just keep trying to hang in and learn from each mistake you make.  G

    • #17096
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      popped by to see how you are doing.  Recognizing our triggers can be very helpful.  However, for a lot of CG’s by the time we get to the point of seeking help almost everything can be a trigger, or we have learned to associate gambling with many emotions and situations.  By the time I was ready to come clean and put up barriers I would use anything as an excuse to gamble.  I was down, or I was tired and cranky and wanted to be left alone, or I was happy and celebrating something.  Didn’t matter, the addiction had taken over and the causes were left in the dust.  Now that I have put a little bit of distance between me and my last bet those original triggers have emerged a lot clearer.  I am learning to deal with them in a different way.  Once upon a time I actually wished I win the lotto, so I could have my gambling money every week to just sit and play the games.  Now if I had won the lotto there really wouldn’t be any point in playing.  For me it was no longer about winning, it was about being able to play.  I was hooked bad.  When we are at that point it is hard to imagine life without gambling.  It has filled so much space in our lives.  Not just the time we are there gambling, but the time thinking about the losses, and thinking about where we will get the money to go again.  It is all consuming.  I am happy to say that now that I have taken away my access to gamble (I handed over my finances to someone else as there is no self banning mechanism where I am) and I have dealt with the immediate crisis that my gambling created, I am enjoying my family and no longer see their needs as interfering with my gambling. Instead I am able to enjoy the small moments. 
      Running Girl had made a post one day about something her counsellor had said.  Why do we close the front door on gambling but leave the back door open?   You have outlined some of the reasons why you don’t want to self-ban at this time.  Maybe look at what would be some other ways you might be able to fulfill those same needs.  So when you do decide to ban you will have a back up plan.
      Well, have to run get my son ready for school.  Keep your chin up Bettie.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
      Laura

    • #17097
      marbeauty
      Peserta

      Bettie,
      I am praying that you are feeling better today……I am so happy to have met you in group yesterday and to know someone from what I know….you are a comfort for me thank you so much for being out there and again, hope you are better.

    • #17098
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      I hate to put anything in writing that I don’t plan to do.
      I left a message on my friends maching that i want her to go with me to ban tomorrow.
      pray for me!
      bettie

    • #17099
      female g
      Peserta

      huge step and I hope your able to follow through.G

    • #17100
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie,
      tough decision to make even when we know deep down it is for our own good.  With your friend holding one hand, know that the rest of us here at GT are holding the other.  We also offer shoulders to cry on any time needed.  Be brave Bettie, we often do couragous things for others, this one is for you.  Praying for you.
      take care,
      Laura

    • #17101
      howanan
      Peserta

      I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.   Good for you.  Keep strong……….Nancy

    • #17102
      vera
      Peserta

      holding my breath and turning my eyes to heaven on your behalf Bettie!
      You can do it!
       all the sevens

    • #17103
      ddsroad
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      Just checking in to see how you are doing.  Your line is great!  "Every mistake is a learning experience."  My dear, we have all been there, so you are not alone.  Just remember, we all fight the same fight.  You are taking the right steps so you just keep stepping in the right direction.  Your posts show you are committed to making progress.  Just a little step here and there in the right direction will all add up to success.  Hang in there!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

    • #17104
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Everyone,
      Please stay tuned for a very importaint annoucement.
      Bettie is no longer a VIP on the Indiana Riverboats, she is now a VEP, Voluntarly Excluded Person.
      I got there by the grace of God and the support of all the loving, compassionate, and caring people I have found here at GT.
      I know now how Salina felt. I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m angry, but mostly I’m relieved!
      My brain is exausted but I will post the details tomorrow. A big thanks to my friend J, what a rock she is. She made me laugh while I did this, then took me out for cake and icecream, and told me to get my *ss to GA.
      thank you all again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17105
      salina
      Peserta

      oh Bettie
      I am doing the happy dance for you!! i am so so happy for you. I cannot believe it I had to read it again. Wow, we will have to keep together on this thing. As it is new for me and now you.  Ohhhh I am so so fricken happy for you…please talk to me this week  I cannot tell you how proutd i am and how rewarded i feel just knowing that you have gone through so darn much to get where you are today, and that just maybe just maybe, I could have been part of that change for youthis to shall pass

    • #17106
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      congratulations on that huge step!  You wont be sorry when you start to see your life turn around.  way to go Betty!
       P – living and learning

    • #17107
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      Well, can i just give you the biggest WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!! Well done, im so pleased for you, i know the emotions will be running thick and fast, but just remember to breathe, you are taking your life back, congratulations girl!!!!
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

    • #17108
      marbeauty
      Peserta

      Originally posted by bettie

      Today is my first day here. I was really suprised that so many people feel like they want to die after binge gambling. I am just shocked, I thought it was just me!
      Of all the things in my life I must say I’ve never felt lower than I do right now. I am being threatned with forclusure and I haven’t been ontime with a bill in months. I filed bankrupcy last year and have to face what got me there.
      I have loved to gamble since I was a child. Pitching pennies was the start for me. I went to Atlantic City when I was 19, I looked older, and spent the whole day on $50 bucks, food included. What a blast!
      I played video poker in the bars at 21. It’s not legal but if you are known at the bar all you did was ask the bartender if they "paid out". They took a note of your score on a little pad of paper, shut the machine off, then paid you out.
      Now you might get the impression that I have gambled all my life. Not true. The occasional lotto ticket was really the most I ever did. I made my first trip to Vegas 16 years ago when my sister paid for the trip. She got married and needed a sitter for her daughter. I got to play "Real" machines and loved it!
      This went on for a few years, the annual trip, 100.00 a day budget. Controlled, fun, hoping for a big win. About 16 years ago the "boats" open in Indiana. I had offers to go but declined. I knew I didn’t have the money to spend and somehow I knew I liked it too much. This changed about 5 years ago when a group of work friends were going and invited me along. I was hooked! It started with going 1-2 times weekly after that. I started racking up debt but refinanced my home, took a home equity loan, and built a great credit record. Credit card companys gave me ten – twenty thousand dollar limits and cash advance checks with no interest for a year. I would gamble, get crazy, then cover it with a check.
      I think the real problem came about 4 years ago. I won ten thousand dollars. Like every other gambler I was going to do great things with it. It lasted about a month. I paid some debt, gave some to my daughter, and blew the rest. In the last 4 years I got about eighty thousand dollars in debt, all credit cards. You would have thought they would have cut me off. Not their fault, I knew just how to move that debt so it was building my credit up.
      Since the bankrupcy I find that I barely make enough to pay just the basics. I was living on those credit cards. I started working a second job but I don’t have any money for food and gas this week.I spend money that I need to pay bills. My daughter has been helping me out, not realizing she’s been supporting my habit. I lie, sneek around, avoid family and the few friends I have in order to gamble. I know I have to quit, I have never tried before. I keep thinking I can go back to the yearly trip to Vegas but I know that’s folly. I don’t want to ban myself because I want my free hotel rooms and steak dinners. I know this is false, they have never given me a thing, I paid for it all and then some! This is the start of my journey. I don’t want to EVER feel this way again. I am ashamed and just want to hide from it all. I planned to try a meeting today. I am making excuses and won’t make myself go. Maybe Thursday, I only work 1/2 a day. Thats a trigger time for me. I won’t gamble today. Tomorrow I work both jobs and won’t have the desire then either. Wednesday is a problem. I will find a meeting for then too. You all sound like friends. I hope to be in your good company too. Thanks for reading my book!

      Hi Bettie,
      How are you today? I wrote you a long post last night and have no idea where it went when I went to post it but I want to thank you for looking for me yesterday and posting on my thoughts….as far as the trust goes I already have asked my sister over and over to take the job but she wouldn’t do it…..one of those people that want all the control without the responsibility with it…when she did finally agree was when my niece filed suit against me and the trust and then it was to late as I would have been still been responsibile for the outcome with my sister in charge…wasn’t a choice….it is over is all i keep saying to myself and I also pray that my gambling days are over….I just went to my first GA meeting on tuesday night and I can’t tell you what a blessing it was that I finally made myself go..it gave me my self esteem back that I knew was always there..I will not be a victim anymore and sitting in front of that videopoker machine made me stuck and a victim….I will beat this dang addiction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I learned at the meeting that gambling has actually given me an anti-social behavior,,,,,and they are right….that’s how I felt! Not anymore….I am moving forward….
      I am so sorry that your friend didn’t call and that your boss said what she did to you yesterday…..people are a disappointment aren’t they? I wish I could have your # and I would call and be there for you for sure…..even personal email….is there any email on here? Looks as though there use to be but challenged on these sites at times. Everytime I read the title to this post I just want to hug you……it will get better Bettie……….do you have faith in God? It has helped me so much…..somepeople do and others do not….one thing a friend said to me one day was that "we are human" and we make mistakes…and everytime we do…or continue to we just start all over again but we have to keep trying………..next time you feel down about circumstances it’s ok…..because you are just human….for a saint is just a sinner who fell down………….but we get back up again……and also we may not be where we want to be but at least were not where we use to be! One step at a time………..just being here on this website is a start to the future and blessing or you wouldn’t be here…and neither would I for that matter…..
      I know that we really don’t know each other but again, i felt a connection with you the first time I was on this site and in group………I want to be your friend and let you know that you will also be in my prayers..please let me know how you are today…or tomorrow or whenever you have a minute….I’ll be here.
      CarolIt is always better to look good then to feel good!

    • #17109
      vera
      Peserta

      Iknow exactly how you feel Bettie….it took me MUCH l o n g er to get the message about self-excluding than it took you…I left the back door, the side door, the windows, the skylight, every little splink Icould, open, so that I could nip in when I felt hell was the only place I deserved to be…..
       self banning is not just saying no to gambling…its saying YES to dignity, self esteem and a new life…Go for it girl! You deserve it. I ll take this opportunity to mention Linnie and Colin who were the two people who kept nagging me to ban.
      A better life is beginning Bettie!all the sevens

    • #17110
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Everyone!
      Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for the posts!
      I said I would give u the details.
      My friend cut short a date to go with me. I assumed she had nothing to do but when I talked to her yesterday she said"I have this date but don’t worry, meet me there and we then we are going to the  boat." Period, no if’s and’s or butt’s.
      She would not give me an out and knew it was serious by the message left the night before.
      When we got there I went to look for the guard and told him what i was there to do. I had to tell him 3 times. He acted like he had never heard a person say I want to be excluded, who do I need to see.
      He called his boss, who asked me the same D*m question, like, are u sure. I guess they didn’t want to loose someone from their "Biggest Looser Club!"
      He had me follow him down stairs, my friend said thay only do this in Vegas when their going to break your knee caps!
      ( I told you, she made me laugh!)
      They have a person from the gaiming commission there to do the paper work. The "boss" changed his tune once we were off the floor. He was very compassionate and said this was a smart move and I was doing the right thing.
      We filled out the paper work and the commission person had the nerve to ask why I was doing this. I gave her "THE LOOK". ( My friend says this LOOK makes me look like i’m going to punch you in the head!) Needless to say she asked no more silly questions and goy down to business. Funny, when I won 10,000.00 I wouldn’t let them take my picture, now I had no choice. Also, the girl doing the paper work said now you can keep your paycheck, and thats a good thing.
      On the ride back my friend asked me some questions, she didn’t even know about the bankrupcy. She was shocked about the wishing I was dead part, and hurt that I didn’t call her. I told her I was too ashamed to tell her but no more, now she knows. And I would not hessatate to call her in a crisis now.
      So yes, not as bad as I thought. Lots of back doors here that need closing but one at a time. I hate gambling in Illinois because the boats are smoke free and i HAVE to smoke when I drink and gamble so thats a good thing.
      I told her when the weather got better we would drive to michigan ( 1 hour away) and ban there too. Then to Joliet, and that will take care of the tri-state area!
      Got to get to my brothers for supper, he made a stew. Great on a cold day. Any other time I would have declined and headed to the boat but not today, I heard they are all closed!!!!!
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17111
      cully21
      Peserta

      Way to go on the banning Bettie! I am so proud of you. May this be the best birthday present you ever treated yourself too. It sounds like some of the employees are rear ends. Oh well. The world is full of them. Don’t guess they will get a bonus from keeping you from banning now will they?
      Stay out of that place and I like the idea of future banning. Remember, it is in writing now tha you are banned and not welcome there anymore. Even if you manage to get in and they turn their head, they will not turn their head if you win aa good amount and try to walk out of there. You will truly be gambling for no chance of winning whatsover if you go back in there.
      Way to go.
      Cully21

    • #17112
      stg033
      Peserta

      Go Bettie I was redind someone post and seen that you said you banned yourself came to your post to see if that was right I almost cryed  good for you

    • #17113
      coalminer
      Peserta

      Wow that is so great on the self banning.  I keep thinking I have everything under control but if I know this is a step I should take. I doubt if you play the same boats as me (s of Cincinnati) but I could picture myself in your shoes walking past the guard and trying to get my nerve up.  I honestly don’t think I could do it.  That is so GREAT you did it!
      I think whenever we can post positive things and not just about how bad our situations are it’s very helpful (at least to me)…I like to be a "glass half full" kind of guy.
      Congrats on being so brave–and belated happy birthday (mine was Sat and I know what you mean about the offers, etc and I had to laugh at your line about the machine flashing happy birthday–been there done that!!)

    • #17114
      howanan
      Peserta

      Good for you Bettie.  That is a good step in the right direction.. Have a good weekend.
      All is good ……..Nancy

    • #17115
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      Feeling good, still have not had the "talk" with my gambling buddy but I am waiting for her call tomorrow or tonight. No big deal, she won’t go to Joliet so she will not tempt me to go there.
      I paid a big bill today, no cash, no gas money, no problems man.
      Thanks for all the well wishes! I am looking foward to tomorrow, don’t ask me why. Guess I just want it to be over with. I’ve got something to prove to myself.
      My AA friend called to check on me, wants to know when my first GA meeting is. She is relentless! (which is a good thing!) She says if I really want to be better I have to go. She is right! (and 3 years sober!)
      I’ll catch U all on the chat!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17116
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      checked the chat, no one there or there is connection problems.
      Vera, u crack me up! Soup is done and very good. FWB called, going to wedding recption ( without me) Why did he have to tell me that? I can’t stand him! Really, what was the purpose of that? Just to make me feel unworthy? I hate him! Would love to blow off steam and go out but thats not happening! I will not be defeated today!
      bettie

    • #17117
      female g
      Peserta

      I know Bettie wanted to get on and chat too but no luck g
       

    • #17118
      bettie
      Peserta

      Got on chat ok later and good today. I’ll be back on later

    • #17119
      ddsroad
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      Glad to see you self-excluded!  Great job!  I think you are doing super so just hang in there!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

    • #17120
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      Thanks for all the good chats this weekend! Life savers, all of U!
      I am so tired I could puke! LOL!
      I saw my (ex) gambling buddy. I told her about the exclusion. She said, "Girl if I had known you were going to do that I would have gone with and done it too!" I almost dropped to the floor! I just wasn’t prepaired for that! She is happy because she said if I don’t go, she won’t go and she promised not to ask or go with me to any other Casino, period!
      She doesn’t think she is a CG but that is her judgement call, not mine. she is happy for me and thinks this may be just what i need to turn things around. I went to her house and we went to Indiana to SHOP! That was a first! LOL!
      After that I saw my friend J and she made dinner and ragged at me about GA and how I was going to gamble again if I didn’t get to a meeting ASAP! I told her slow down, this banning was enough for now and now I do have some barriers and people to reach out to. She is kind of ticking me off but her intentions are good.
      Fought with my daughter on the phone over $$. She begged me for my last dollar, which I gave her, no lunch $$ for me this week, and no lunch food in the house! I will have to resort to the freezer, we have a microwaive at work. She doesn’t know why she has to suffer for my mistakes. ( I owe her $650, which I was to pay back to a friend she owes. ) She is telling me about all these things she had to pay but i can do the math. What the H*ll is she doing with all the extra $$ she has had in the last 9 months?????
      To bed soon, Hopt to be on chat tomorrow, 9pm I think, here.
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17121
      salina
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Sorry I have been really lousy at keeping in touch. I have to admit since I banned I havent felt as desperate as I was and its no excuse as I know I need to keep in touch with you all.
      I missed chat on sat cause i was at a production and etc…. anyhow, as you know i was chat on sun but hubby kept comin in so finally i just gave up.
      I am doing good for today..not that I havent thought and plotted how I could possible still gamble,,the  nice thing is I banned. It makes it so much easier as I know you are finding out. 
      It sounds like your friend is understanding about your banning and is respectful enough to not entise you by inviting you out to gamble.. that is great. I find that I try not to even talk about it with the girl I usually go with and like your friend she does not know yet that she is a cg. You know it and I know it, but they havent gotten there yet so time will take care of that. Its not for us to try to make them see it right? We have to work on us and maybe it is a good thing for our recovery to watch their progression? Sounds mean in a way, but this is where I am at.
      Hope we can chat this evening in group. I plan on being there. See ya there? this to shall pass

    • #17122
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Nice chat on Tuesday! I have long days Mon And Tues so hard to post and chat but too good to miss.
      My "friend" offered me $$ to give to my daughter to get her off my back. I now owe one more person but the money is out of my hands and daughter has calmed down.
      My "friend" that I hadn’t heard from since telling him about my CG showed up at my work yesterday and today.
      He just doesn;t get it. I asked why he hadn’t called. He just couldn’t come to terms with what i told him. I told him that as my friend this was not the time to stay away, i was not ( and will not) ask him for money and if he didn’t know what to say just ask how I am and call me to let me know he was thinking about me. Just a little emotional support, thats all.
      It makes me so upset that I have to ask for such little things. I never ask or expect anything from anyone but i would give the shirt off my back if you needed it. If everyone in the world were like me the world would be perfect! LOL!
      Oh well, thats my story and I’m sticking to it! I can be so full of myself!
      peace
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17123
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      It was nice to see you on chat.  You have done so well by self excluding.  Don’t worry if your friend does not understand, there are many who don’t.  I never believed i would get hooked and before then i didnt understand how anyone could.  you are doing great to have excluded it really is a huge huge step so well done
       P – living and learning

    • #17124
      vera
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie and thanks for posting to my thread. (this laptop keps skipping letters)so it takes ages to post!
      I laughed at the thought of your two FWBs turning up at your work place. Think of all the weight you lost in that lather of sweat! Better than a visit to the sauna! In my experience most people run a mile from gamblers. They seem to think we are going to touch thn fo a loan……..I recall one winter’s night being ejected onto the street at 01.30, only to come to my senses and realise that not only had I been in a trance for 12 hours or more in my favourite casino, but I had also, once again cleaned out my account, having made several trips to the ATM. To my even greater horror, I realised my petrol tank was empty and it’ s an hour’s drive from that "haunt"! FWB sprung to mind. Afterall, I had given him so much in the past , I was sure of a "leg up"! Quick phone call …" I’m in **********,have run out of petrol, left my bank cards in a handbag at home…any chance you could pop over here to meet me, and lend me 50 euro… (only 20 miles,only one a m!)……..Silence!  Then, "Sorry, tough luck, don’t expect me tobail you out when youre gambling!"
      Tough love or miserable ungrateful *******! Never quite figured that one!
       all the sevens

    • #17125
      howanan
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      I can remember watching my husband sit on a stool in front of a machine and wonder what the heck was so interesting that he could sit there for hours.  The first couple times I tried it, I thought the same thing.  Then  all of a sudden, I’m hooked.  What?  Does your friend think you are going to hit him up for money to gamble?  You wouldn’t have told him about your problem if you had intentions of borrowing from him.  You are right, you do need emotional support.  Do you have a best friend?  It is hard to fight this addiction alone.  I don’t really have a best friend but I can talk to my husband.  Although he is the one that showed gambling to me and he still enjoy going to the casino periodically. 
      Have a good day Bettie… Nancy

    • #17126
      female g
      Peserta

      it sure is interesting the things that stem from gambling and how we stop thinking alltogether when imeressed in it.  We loose our ability to think or rationalize.  Looking back at it though we can see the negitive results so clearly.  I am glad our eyes are fully open and we can concentrate on the the more meaninful things in life.  As others have said it is hard to rely on friends who don’t understand the addiction, so I am glad we have our friends here to count on. Nice chatting this past weekend too. Stay well and stay focused G

    • #17127
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      Thanks for all the posts! Nancy, I do have a friend I can talk to but somehow I don’t want to tell her everything because I feel judged by her ( like when she drilled me about how much i really have lost ). No words but I got the feeling, you know?
      Vera, I would say the latter part is the truth about your FWB, Mine is worth about one million dollars, (I’m not kidding) and he has never given me more than  a bottle of wine for my birthday, cheap b*stard!
      I’m sure now he has backed off because he thought I would ask him for money, I had not though of that. I hate to admit it but he is the one who bailed me out with my daughter. I just want to be honnest here. He offered, I accepted. Trust me, I was in tears when I took it but I just wanted to get my daughter off my back and he offered me an out. He reminded me not to take it to the casino, even though I told him I was excluded, and reminded me This is just a loan, you know my situtation! ( he just bought a 650,000.00 house) I have no pride or shame left! He is just an *ss! My self esteem is non-existent! Thats ok, when I pull my butt out of this mess I will not repeat this borrowing money thing. I have been independent and pretty much on my own since I was 18 years old and the CG caused this, not the real me!
      Where the heck did I go? when did I loose me? I used to be fun and had a few friends to run with. Will the "real" bettie please stand up?!
      I had a CG customer today with an overdrawn account. She went to "my" casinos. Can you believe that gave me an urge?? Sick puppy that I am, just seeing the withdraws from her account made me want to go! (and she owes the bank 800.00!) But, it’s wednesday and Here I am. blogging away!
      Does anyone have casino dreams? This is like going on a big diet and you dream about dessert! In my dream I was trying to cash out tickets at the cash despencer without getting caught there! How silly! At least I wasn’t playing or spending money!
      I know i’m missing some of you but G, and everyone thanks for the great chats and posts. Gonna go read. have a wonderful day!!
      Day 9 feels good!
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17128
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi P,
      I knew I missed someone!
      Thanks again!
      bettie

    • #17129
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      was good to see you in group the other day, ive had my struggles lately but isnt it great to know we can come here, you are doing well, keep going
       P – living and learning

    • #17130
      bettie
      Peserta

      My friend J called and is making me nuts! She is on me big time about GA. You need real support, you need to be talking to real people. People online can be lieing to you. Aren’t you just enableing each other by not being tough and saying sorry you slipped??
      I told her she was welcome to come here and look around. If someone had to make this stuff up about compulsive gambling then they are way more messed up then me! And we do have tough love too! She needs to see a post by Larry (LOL! Not to pick on him, he give GREAT advice!)
      Oh well, had to vent. This is my support in real life. See what I’m up aganist??????!!!!!!!!
      So glad you are all here for me and each other!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17131
      vera
      Peserta

      Bettie!
      I have to say, part of me agrees wih your friend!
      Ioften thought , like her that any weirdo could come here posing as a CG,( I wish I was that poser) , glean information and …and, and…..do what?
      Well, I din’t think he/she could do all that much harm and they would be even sicker than the lot of us poor dudes if they turned to a gambling site to give them a fix!
      The guidelines from GT, especially in relation to unmoderated chat are clear. BE TACTFUL AND DISCREET!
      Why not get your friend to visit the freiends and Family Section?
      I agree with her that the cyber world can be a cop out for some people. We can be as dishonest as we like, but for me, honesty is in the heart and begins with being honest to yourself. Facing up and being accountable is the answer and this site has helped me greatly to be accountable to myself, to all here and to my family.
      Non CGs, in my experience become BORED listening to us taking about either our gambling or our recovery. It’s like a sober person watching a shower of drunks "having a great time" and then being with then the next day as they lick their wounds…nothing worse than being with boring people!
      I take your friend’s point about enabling each other too…if all we did was slip and report back here and dry each others’  tears then it would be of little help, but hopefully everything we write about recovery transfers into action and thus our recovery continues, one ay at a time.
      Yesterday I went with my son to buy him a new suit. He is going to a fiend’s wedding next week so he will have it for the Easter Ceremonies as well ( Thats if the bitterly cold weather improves). They had a special offer. Free shoes/shirt /tie with suits in a certain price range. )I bought one for my husband as well on the offchance it would fit him…It didn’t!!) All on my almost maxed out credit card of course! My son kept saying " are you sure you can afford it" ( I just funded a college trip to Germany for him 2 weeks ago). I was thrilled driving home with my purchases. I thought of all the days out in the casino when i spent double that amount of money and cam home with NOTHING!
      As for the "Casino dreams" Bettie,I ould write a book on them. In the beginning they were violent. I dreamt Iwas locked in, that th spaces inside expanded, that the staff were torturing , mugging and raping the customers, that all the machines were huge and thejackpots magnified! These dreams were so terrifying that I would wake up with chest pain and in a cold sweat……..then they changed to dreams here I would be in a strange casino, my time would be limited and my money scarce. I would be frantic trying to get a spare machine, but none of them were familiar, they were out of order,or i didn’t know how to work them.
      The casino dreams never compared to the nighmares I experienced when I gambled in real life.
      I never want to re live those nightmares, so just or today, I will not gamble!
       all the sevens

    • #17132
      howanan
      Peserta

      I think most of us have had gambling dreams.  Gambling was so much a part of our lives that it goes without saying that it has to come up somewhere.  We are not gambling, so we are being tempted in our dreams????    I hope your friend does come here and read some of our threads.  This website was the start to my recovery and I am so glad I found it and all my special friends here.  I would strive to pay your friend back as soon as you can and not borrow any more money from your daughter.  You’ll see a big difference now that you are not gambling.  Your bills will get paid and you will have a little jingle in your pocket.  Take care Bettie …. it is doable one day at a time………All is well..Nancy

    • #17133
      coalminer
      Peserta

      I guess after reading and posting here for almost two months nothing should surprise me but I thought the dream thing was only me.  Always running around at last minute trying to play but can’t find machine, etc.  Crazy isn’t it?
      I can sure relate to the suit story…I went golfing yesterday and paid for my buddy–and thought this is alot cheaper than gambling like I used to do.  It’s nice to start (ever so slowly sometimes) building up some money.
      I got a call from a gambling friend asking me to go with her in a couple of weeks–I said no I was too busy.  It felt really good to know I could actually turn down an invite!! Sorry didn’t mean to turn this into a "me" thing–but just agreeing so much with what others here have/are experiencing. 
      I LOVE this site.  Thanks everyone.

    • #17134
      colin in brum
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie, here’s a question for you.  What have you got to lose by trying GA as your friend suggests?
      Coalminer, well done on not going to gamble with your friend.  Next time it would be better not to say you are "too busy" though or to make any other excuse.  If you do that then there is no reason for her to stop asking you in the future.  "I have decided to stop gambling" is a better response. You don’t have to go into details, I just tell people i got fed up with losing. You won’t have to say it more than a few times before she stops asking you to go with her.  If she is a real friend then there will be plenty of other things you can do together.

    • #17135
      paul315
      Peserta

      Originally posted by bettie

      … Does anyone have casino dreams? … 
      … we do have tough love too! She needs to see a post by Larry (LOL! Not to pick on him, he give GREAT advice!)

      Good afternoon Bettie,
      I have had a few dreams about casinos, but like in yours, I not gambling. I remember one where I was just walking by a machine and it started spitting out money from the input slot. Everyone was congratulating me on my "win" but I was not enjoying it; I knew I would not be able to keep it. Sure enough security came and took the money. The interpretation I got was that it was just like any real win I ever had, or would have, – it all went back to the casino.
      I also use to have day dreams, or better described as thoughts, about gambling throughout every day. Every image I saw reminded me of a theme of a slot machine; I could not get those images out of my mine. Thankfully they no longer exist, but are still a memory.
      They are only a memories now and my dreams are not about gambling because I keep myself aware of the pitfalls and of the ways to avoid them.  One way I do this is through my posting to others here; the "tough love" that comes is perceived in my post is directed to me. Every word of advice that I try to pass on is advice that I need to stay gambling free.
      Thanks to you and the others here for being my shoulder to lean on. Thanks for extending your hands.
       Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

    • #17136
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      Wow, I must have hit a common thread here! Again, I thought it was just me with the dreams but some of those were really scary!
      I really have no problem or preconcived notions about going to GA. I have no excuse that is valid. I just don’t feel like going. Lazy, yes! When I was in a more desprete spot, like I was in Feb. I almost went but didn’t want to cry in front of striangers and I was too embarssed. I could walk into a meeting tonight. But with the support I have gotten here I can tell you one thing, I WILL NOT GAMBLE TONIGHT! Two weeks ago, I think I did but not today.I know this is just the start but I am making progress with you all and I couldn’t have said that two months ago.
      Got lots of calls today, and a customer made an Easter basket for me! Bath stuff, lotion and slippers and candles! What a sweetie! She said you are always so nice I just wanted to do a little something for you! How nice of her!
      Day 11
      Thanks ALl!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17137
      vera
      Peserta

      How nice to receive a present Bettie!
      They say we get back what we give out!
      It tells me you are a kind and generous person!all the sevens

    • #17138
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hiya Bettie,
      I too have used this site and not made the step to go to GA, so you are not the lone ranger.  I feel so supported here that i dont feel the need, but if i ever feel that changing i will maybe then decide to attend.  I tried it years ago, my sister , in fact chaired the meetings and she has been 11 years clean this year. I found it quite daunting, sitting there, i was unable to bear my soul with my sister watching me, i know she would never judge me, but it was me, i could not feel comfortable enough to say what i really wanted to say.  When i first found GT, i did go to 1 meeting, but realised it isnt for me, and hey, thats ok, we all take a different path on this journey, what works for some, may not work for others.  I think all help available is good help, at the same time, i think we have to decide what is right for us.
      How lovely to recieve a gift from a client, you must be very good at what you do Bettie, it is nice to be apprecieated sometimes isnt it?  And as for your 11 days, i have to do it….a big, fat, WOOHOO to you girl!!! You are going great!
      Hope to see you on chat too, take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

    • #17139
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Just wanted to say what a wonderful job you are doing and how far you have come.  Way to go Bettie, we are all right here with you.  See what goes around comes around and your kindness is obviously being repaid.
       P – living and learning

    • #17140
      stg033
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Hey how did you sink the boat? my guess is that you gave it to much money and then it went down LOL

    • #17141
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Everyone,
      I guess I "sank" the boat before it"sank" me! Thanks for all the lovely posts. I got a letter from the casino saying I was not welcome there since I excluded! I have another letter waiting at the post office. I thought maybe I won something ,lol ,but I don’t think I will bother picking that one up!
      On a personal note, today turned out sucky! I got a call early from my trucker friend. He was going to be near me and wanted to get together after I got off of work. Well, he called me an hour before I got off to tell me his plans changed but he would call me later. Well it;s later and he still hasn’t called! I GIVE UP! I understand things happen but what curse is on me that even when I have a pretty solid invite I can count on the guy backing out??
      So disapointed! I attract just the worst scumbags when it comes to men! (sorry guys, all u good one’s seem to be taken!) Maybe I need to switch teams!
      My fwb called at work today. Would it kill him to pay me even the smallest complement? I brought it up to him and he thinks I am an ego freak! Never mind he used to answer my calls with Hey Beautful, how are u today?
      I miss the way things used to be between us, when I thought we could be a couple. I was so wrong! He is such a piece of work! I keep thinking I’ll meet some one worth my time but every time i reach out they just slip through my hands.
      Oh well, tomorrow is another day! Glad for the exclusion or I would be there right now, drinking away my sorrows over my dissapointments and throwing my money in the slot trash can. Guess I will just have to grow up, cry my eyes out as usual, then suck it up and get over it!
      bettie
       

    • #17142
      bettie
      Peserta

      So, postman rang the bell, twice, for me to sign for a registered letter. I an getting mail from casinos I’ve never been to telling me I am banned for life. I never knew indiana had so many!! I also got ad’s from "my" casino in the mix. Oh well, tore them up with out looking!
      bettie

    • #17143
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Bettie,
      You are doing great…when i excluded there were about 10 places i didnt know existed…thankfully!!! Hope you have had a lovely Easter, you are doing so well.
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

    • #17144
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      hey Bettie,
      good for you!  Tear up those freebies that we know aren’t free at all.  Not only do they take our money they take our self-respect, pride, and self-esteem.  On the man front, well, I’m a firm believer in loving yourself first.  If you don’t, then you won’t attract a man that will.  Believe that you will meet a man who is what you want.  Let the universe work out the details.  In the mean time do things that make you feel good about you.  You deserve it!  Ok, lol, that is my positive pep talk.  Glad you are here Bettie, great getting to know such wonderful people.  Have a happy Easter.
      Laura

    • #17145
      kin
      Peserta

      Dear Beattie, it is so encouraging to see your message in my thread, why is the first thread you read so important, what did i wrote in my thread that mean something to you….i ask myself why ?
      Beattie , I m not quitting this fight, i will soldier on
      Your message is important to me , thank you
       Gambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

    • #17146
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      This is not the message I thought I would be writing tonight. I was out with my sister helping her with an event she helps with monthly. Long story short, we were talking about money problems and I told her I was getting help with mine. She asked "mental help"? I said yes and she said "with gambling?" I broke down and said yes. She said she was glad and I told her I didn;t want to burden her, she has so much on her plate right now. My support friend called to check on me and we talked. Now this story should end in a success story right? Remember, this is my story so don’t be to suprised when I tell you I made an excuse to my sister to leave and went to the casino, where I’m not banned! I Blew It! And the funny part is the urge hit and knowing I was so close I just went for it. I hate that casino. I can’t say I even enjoyed one moment of it yet I stayed.(and my sister will know I lied to her because I used my card there and she is on my account!)
      Lost the fight last nite, spent $$ that had a better place to go, covering my butt tomorrow but now have to call my friend and make a date to ban there now to. Why would anyone go and waste money someplace they don’t even like?
      I have the binge hangover, spent most of the day covered in a blanket, eating Easter candy, with a pounding head and sick stomach!
      I am sorry. I’m sure I’ve dissapointed all of you rooting for me and supporting me.
      Like I said, I lost the fight, this time, but the war is only just starting!
      Too sad to chat now, dissapointed in myself! Monday, day 1.
      bettie

    • #17147
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie,
      don’t be too hard on yourself.  Could be so many reasons why.  That last hoorah maybe?  You had come clean about your problem with your sister. Ok so now she knows I know I have a problem and I’m getting in one last gamble.  Who knows, who better  than you to examine the  triggers.  So you had a learning experience.  A hurtful one but a growing experience and you are already making plans to put it to good use.  You are banning from this latest temptation.  Good for you Bettie!  Don’t ever think you are letting us down.  I see someone who is determined to put the breaks on this addiction and turn things around.  One step at a time Bettie, you’ll get there.  Hope your Monday dawns brighter.
      take care,
      Laura

    • #17148
      golden girl
      Peserta

      I am a new poster here but when reading this I had to register and reply. Bette, when I banned myself from the boats in Illinois it was for all the boats there..I also banned myself in Missouri and they told me it was effective everywhere, even Illinois. Any boat they are linked to receives your banning request and puts you on their list. I couldn’t believe how intertwinned the boat industry is. It seems they are all connected one way or another. I saw a guy that banned himself in Missouri and can’t even play in Nevada..I am surprised you were able to play at a boat there in the same state without getting caught. Did you get paperwork ? Maybe you should reread it as I was explained everything and that included how I would be banned with any casino in  Mo or any casino linked with a boat in Missouri. They told me the same thing in Illinois. Since almost all casinos have a link to the boats in Illinois and Missouri I can not gamble anywhere..I believe the only places would be at a Indian run casino .
      Anyway, If I told you my story you would run not walk away from any casino ..
      Hugs..Golden Girl– 4/6/2010 12:35:49 AM: post edited by Golden Girl.

    • #17149
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Golden, Hi Laura,
      I have not banned in Illinois yet and that is where I played. I will ban this week as I am not going to do this to myself again! It hurts too much. I know that I am banned at assocated casinos so while I broke no laws I did break my word, which is just killing me!
      I would love to hear your story Golden! It helps when I read what others have gone through and how they have grown and/or struggled. It’s all part of the journey for me.
      Laura thanks for the faith in my recovery. Lots of work to do here, odaat right? I slept good, valiem induced, but sound 8 plus hours. Long day ahead. I need to check into counciling today if time allows. Work has something that starts out free and I have no reason not to try something.
      I think part of the relcutance to seek face to face help is denial. I’m not as bad as that, etc. I don’t feel that way but my CG mind does! It is almost like that person is Bettie-part 2. Today she is asleep in my head but I need to find a way to out smart her before she pops up again. She is smart and sneeky but bettie-part 1 suffers today for the choices bettie 2 made Saturday.
      Scary isn’t it? I am now talking about myself in the 3rd person!
      I have to find a way to make myself whole again. Big Job!
      I did call my friend about going with me this week so I have a solid plan and thats a start.
      peace
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17150
      howanan
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie… Coming back and writing about the slip is a step in the right direction in recovery.  Most of us have had a slip or more before realizing that it is just not fun any more.  I am glad you are going to self exclude from there.  Learn from this slip and put it away.  It has no place in your recovery………Nancy

    • #17151
      bettie
      Peserta

      Thanks Nancy,
      My friend just called. She doesn’t have her schedule yet but she will call me today with it. No chance to back out with her on my case, and thats ok. I am acting like a child and need to be treated like one! Tough love but that’s what is needed right now.
      Thanks for the chat harry, cully and kathyrn. You are right, i do need to tell my sister about the slip but the timming is so bad! I will have to wait untill we can have a one on one. Very hard to do with my Mom and her husband around 24/7.
      Pray for her daughter. They will induce labor tonight and are thinking c-section. I know my sister is out of her mind with worry.
      Can’t wait to see my first great-niece!
      bettie
       

    • #17152
      coalminer
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie– well that sucks doesn’t it! 🙂  I keep waiting for my slip up–I’m sure it will happen.  But good for you for facing up to it.  That must mean something right?? Best wishes.

    • #17153
      kin
      Peserta

      Dear Beattie, it is so easy to stop gambling, after every slip or relapse , we stop.
      How many times have we stop gambling , I lost count myself.
      The real winner is the one who is able to stay stop
      it is a big mountain to climb if we promise to stop forever
      it is easier to do it one day at a time
      7 days make 1 week
      Let ‘s do it one day at a time, beattie
      together
       Gambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

    • #17154
      female g
      Peserta

      well i think this a process and you are realizing the effects of gambling and that is a good thing.  We are in recovery not perfect but we are open to learn from our mistakes.  That’s just a temporary set back and you will be back on track again once you ban.  Good luck with that and i hope your friend will rush back to help you do itG

    • #17155
      vera
      Peserta

      HiBettie!
      I hope your neice is safely delivered by now!
      New life! New hope!
      Gambling is such a waste of time, energy, money!
      Your recent slip is just further proof that self-exclusion is the key to recovery!
      Use that key wisely Bettie!
      My Easter visitors left a couple of hours ago. As soon as they walked out the door my husband began to attack me about something totally insignificant. I retaliated. Immediatly I felt my blood boiling and my gut reaction was to grab my car keys and make for a dingy casino ( the one I am not excluded from)……..I said to my son, "he wants me out of the house, so why should i stay here"……….then I said " why not"!
      So here I am sitting out my urge, typing away and coming to terms with my urge!
      Gambling never resolved my problems in the past, so why should I expect it to now?
       all the sevens

    • #17156
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      Thanks for all the posts. Today was stressful but OK. I hate to admit I had that "wish I was dead feeling" yesterday. I looked at my eyes in the rear view mirror and they just looked defeated! (Thats bettie 2, the cg, showing her true side!)
      Scary!
      I came home after work, water is off in the building, but I didn’t let that stop me from working out. Too bad I smell like a skunk, LOL, but I sleep alone so I won’t offend anyone!
      Long day tomorrow. My friend hasn’t called with her schedule yet but she works until 10pm.
      Niece is just settling into hospital now, I should be a great aunt tomorrow. I asked about comimg to the hospital if she needed a coach. I was put off right away. No, grandparents only allowed. That really hurt. I delivered her, coaching her mom after her dad left my sister when she was 6 months pregnant. Not the first time I have felt slighted by family but I love her none the less.
      Gonna try to pick up, this place is a dump! I hate when I get lazy.
      peace
      bettie
      ps Vera, sorry I blew the monthly pledge. I want back in so I will just have to make it a 3& 1/2 week pledge

    • #17157
      ddsroad
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      I hope you are feeling better.  Great to hear you went ahead and worked out.  It always makes me feel so much better.  I hope you neice has an easy delivery.  It’s tough when you are slighted by the family.  Hang in there, though, you are doing great!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

    • #17158
      vera
      Peserta

      3 and 1/2 weeks is great Bettie…I NEED company.
      How I envy you working out…I don’t even know how! I’m serious!
      Any tips?all the sevens

    • #17159
      bettie
      Peserta

      Thanks DD and Vera,
      www,walkathome.com Leslie Sansone Vera, look at her dvd’s, beginner to advanced. I started with the 1 mile, and take off from there. She has stuff for teen’s to sr’s!
      Still need to shut down pc and get to picking up. Water back on! Yea!
      bettie

    • #17160
      coalminer
      Peserta

      Bettie–Re the "no grandparents" thing…we just went through that with our oldest when they had their first (which I think is the main reason I FINALLY made the break from gambling).  My wife was a little put off but they felt it was a private time just for the 3 of them and who were we to argue (and we felt we had lots of justification–they lived with us for awhile, we paid for this and that–all the things parents do).  Trust me when you see that little face staring up at you (or sleeping hopefully!!) all those thoughts will disappear.  Enjoy.

    • #17161
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hey Guys
      Ban set for Saturday, I will be here alot until then!
      No grand Niece yet-no update since 3pm.
      bettie

    • #17162
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Hiya Bettie:  Stick with us all week, we’re here for you!!  Good for you on the decision to ban on Saturday at the other casino.  Wonderful that you’re able to quickly pick yourself up and continue on the journey.  Keep it up … you rock!!!
      Love,
      RG
      PS … I’m SOOO jealous you get to hold a newborn.  I LOOOOOOVE babies!!!May you be safe and happy.  May you be peaceful.

    • #17163
      bettie
      Peserta

      baby update…
      She was born around 10:30 pm Tuesday night-c section. New daddy almost fainted and had to be taken out of the delivery room!
      Mom & baby doing fine!
      bettie

    • #17164
      salina
      Peserta

      Hi bettie
      just wanted to stop in a see how u are doing..hows the banning going? New baby I hear how exciting…
      thinkin of ya this to shall pass

    • #17165
      vera
      Peserta

      Congrats Grand aunt!
      Welcome to Baby?????????…any n a m e yet?

    • #17166
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Congratulations Bettie,
      Glad all is well, and im sure you are beaming!!!! Im so pleased you are going to self exclude on Saturday, way to go girl!!!
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

    • #17167
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Baby named Elise, 8lb 9 oz. I’ll see her after mom settles in at home.
      Worked out hard tonight, trigger days but ok today. Thinking about "last hurrah" but i’m on Vera’s pledge so I will fight hard not to do that!
      I keep thinking how it would be nice to bring baby a gift and I won’t have money to do that if I stray from my plan so here I am!
      Tired, haven’t eaten but don’t plan to eat much. I need to get back on target so I plan to workout every day if possible but time will tell.
      Gonna check some posts. I missed the tuesday night chat and wish i hadn’t but I had company.
      Time to do the dishes!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17168
      thebfunk
      Peserta

      Thanks for response bettie. Good to see you are on the right track. Keep it up

    • #17169
      susant58
      Peserta

      Thanks Betty, I came to this forum tonight for the first time, and I read your 1st post. It touched me and helped me to feel that this is a good place to be,so thanks for having the courage to write on this forun and Thank you Lord for directing me here.
      Susantomorrow is another day, but there is enough of today left to start making a change

    • #17170
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Saw the baby-sweet as can be. She looks just like my daughter did as a baby, not like her momma at all!
      Trying to stay in, safer here, will checks posts.
      bettie
       

    • #17171
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Still home, fwb stopped by and took my mind off of things. Boy, he just doesn’t get it! Said I should be in jail for all the money I stole from credit cards. I told him I stole from myself, my credit and yea, i used up my credit but they gambled when they gave it to me. I never lied about income to get credit and they had the credit reports. Was I wrong, yes! I have no excuse but he smiled like i got away with something.I haven’t, i pay for this mistake every day and always will. I will have to answer to my Maker about this too so u see, I got away with nothing!
      After he left my other friend called, well he called when the other one was here but I was busy and couldn’t pickup!
      I told him I wanted to go to the casino and asked him to take me. He said don’t waste your money at the casino. I told him to call me back.
      I’m still here, I’m not going but I really have been fighting it all day today. Can’t wait to ban, and get new friends! LOL!
      bettie

    • #17172
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hiya Bettie,
      Beautiful baby name, i love it!!! As for your fwb, i was giggling when i read that, being busy and all!!! lol
      Keep fighting the urges, the sooner you ban the better, it will make life so much easier as there is not the temptation there that there was before.
      Thanks for your post too…ive been woohooing all day!!!
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxSometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

    • #17173
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi K, Hi Guys,
      Stayed home, friend called, didn’t let me down for a change.
      Come on Saturday!
      bettie

    • #17174
      bettie
      Peserta

      touching base, came home, worked out, staying home too! real tempted for "one last gamble" but it’s not going to happen!
      Come on Saturday!
      bettie

    • #17175
      female g
      Peserta

      don’t give in and know that it is because of you and Salina banning that influenced my decission to self ban. i hope this gives ou an extra boast to stay out of the casino .  I am filling out the pappers this weekend and taking my husband with me for moral support.

    • #17176
      kin
      Peserta

      Hi Beattie, let ‘s encourage one another
      Don’t start, our brake is faulty
      When we start, we cannot stop
      We are human not immortal,
      we cannot control our thoughts,
      they are automatic
      There is nothing wrong about thinking and dreaming
      Imagine someone with addictive behaviour
      who walk into a supermarket and see all thse garbage food everywhere
      If the person suddenly feel like acting out or grabbing a few bags of potato chips
      It is nothing wrong, you don”t have to blame yourself or feel guilty, it is just a thought
      You can think about it
      You don’t have to fear it
      This too will pass
      You can think about it
      But you don’t have to do it
      When the thought pass
      You will not want to do it
      I m amaze of this particular one
      I called someone on the phone
      I told the person I want to act out
      After talking to the person, if it still did not work
      and I still want to do it
      He ask me to delay it for 3 days
      If it did not work
      Call him before I act it out
      3 days later, the day  to act out arrive
      but the thought to act out disappear
      Usually I don’t need to act it out anymore and I don’t want to do it too
      I m not normal, I m belong to that 2 person in a hundred
      I m born different, I m wired differently
      I have addictive thoughts and behaviours
      With better awareness and a recovery program
      My chances of survival and having happiness is higher
      Beattie, don’t do it
      The thought will go away
      Don’t listen to this thought
      Don’t feed this thought
      Fact
      The pain of a relapse is many times more painful than the pain of staying stop in the beginning.
      Gambling only adds to the pain,  
      its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …
      the  side affects actually make the original pain worse

      I must remember to count my blessing

       — 4/10/2010 12:37:12 PM: post edited by KIN.

    • #17177
      kin
      Peserta

      An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
      He said to them,"A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
      One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.
      The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too."
      They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
      The old Grandpa simply replied, "The one you feed"
      Which thought are you going to feed
      “ the one telling you to place the last bet” or
      “ the one that tell you not to do it” Gambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

    • #17178
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi G,Kathryn and Kin,
      Todays the day! Going to ban with my friend after work. Looking foward to it and the again I’m not. Silly isn’t is? I got such peace after banning Indiana and I hope to get that "high" again after today. My stupid FWB said maybe you shouldn’t ban Illinois just in case someone asks you to go for a little while (as posted before, he doesn’t get it!).
      I asked him if he would take an achoholic to a bar, u know, for just one drink, or would he expect them to just sit and drink a coke?  He was like, oh yea, I guess you’re right.
      Kathryn, good for u on banning! You will like the no choice option! It is really a relief!
      have a great day!
      bettie

    • #17179
      bettie
      Peserta

      bettie has banned in Illinois. The illinois gaming commision says she’s no lomger welcome there.

    • #17180
      kin
      Peserta

      Hope you will grow in strength to resist the urges and temptations along the way.
      Trigger can be external like the casino but it can also be internal like your thoughts, feelings and emotions
      Hope you will find the coping methods to deal with them.
      Well done !!! you done something you did not do for many years in the past.
      Note:
      I wish you luck because this is just the begining…..it will take more than this to stay stop.
       Gambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

    • #17181
      howanan
      Peserta

      Well done Bettie.  You won this round.  Now when you get an urge, it will take you a long time to figure out how to scratch it…. or better yet to kick it to the curb.  Have a good Sunday…….NncyIf you pray – why worry……… If you worry – why pray.

    • #17182
      vera
      Peserta

      Three cheers for the Illinois Gaming Commission..!
      Another hurdle crossed by Bettie!
      Now to the "toyboys"!…all the sevens

    • #17183
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      been chatting, need to go to bed. I need to ban michigan because "bettie 2" is wispering in my ear, have one last gamble! I hate her, she won’t shut up!
      Tribal casino so i will get info first.
      see ya in the morning!
      bettie

    • #17184
      stg033
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      you should ban yourself from other casnios around you
      thats my downfall right now

    • #17185
      kin
      Peserta

      DENIAL stands for~
      Don’t
      Even
      Notice
      I
      Am
      Lying"
      Relapse is never an accident.
      Relapse is a sign that we have a reservation about stopping.
      A reservation is something we set aside for future use.
      A reservation is the expectation that,
      if such-and-such happens, it is ok to gamble.
      Insanity:
      doing the same thing over and over again
      and expecting different results.
      Albert Einstein,
      Gambling only adds to the pain,  
      its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …
      the  side affects actually make the original pain worse

      I must remember to count my blessing
       — 4/12/2010 1:59:41 PM: post edited by KIN.

    • #17186
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      Denial=lieing to yourself!
      true true!
      Michigan is the last place I need to ban Stg-all the other boats "sank" and I can’t go back!
      Tired, long day!
      Hope all is well, my best to u all and thanks for the posts!
      peace
      bettie– 4/13/2010 1:55:31 AM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17187
      cully21
      Peserta

       I want to thank you for your support and kindness bettie. I feel like your post title some today. I hate those thoughts.
      God bless you. I got to hit the hay.
      Cully21

    • #17188
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Good for you for banning!  So glad to see you are doing well.  I had a 3 day slip which was a living nightmare, I am back again posting and trying to get back on track, i notice you have posted sometimes to me so thank you.  Keep going Bettie.
      P Living and Learning

    • #17189
      kin
      Peserta

      Dear Bettie,
      Where are you ???
      If you are not here , you can be there
      Come back !
       
       Gambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

    • #17190
      serenity6
      Peserta

      Originally posted by bettie

      Today is my first day here. I was really suprised that so many people feel like they want to die after binge gambling. I am just shocked, I thought it was just me!
      Of all the things in my life I must say I’ve never felt lower than I do right now. I am being threatned with forclusure and I haven’t been ontime with a bill in months. I filed bankrupcy last year and have to face what got me there.
      I have loved to gamble since I was a child. Pitching pennies was the start for me. I went to Atlantic City when I was 19, I looked older, and spent the whole day on $50 bucks, food included. What a blast!
      I played video poker in the bars at 21. It’s not legal but if you are known at the bar all you did was ask the bartender if they "paid out". They took a note of your score on a little pad of paper, shut the machine off, then paid you out.
      Now you might get the impression that I have gambled all my life. Not true. The occasional lotto ticket was really the most I ever did. I made my first trip to Vegas 16 years ago when my sister paid for the trip. She got married and needed a sitter for her daughter. I got to play "Real" machines and loved it!
      This went on for a few years, the annual trip, 100.00 a day budget. Controlled, fun, hoping for a big win. About 16 years ago the "boats" open in Indiana. I had offers to go but declined. I knew I didn’t have the money to spend and somehow I knew I liked it too much. This changed about 5 years ago when a group of work friends were going and invited me along. I was hooked! It started with going 1-2 times weekly after that. I started racking up debt but refinanced my home, took a home equity loan, and built a great credit record. Credit card companys gave me ten – twenty thousand dollar limits and cash advance checks with no interest for a year. I would gamble, get crazy, then cover it with a check.
      I think the real problem came about 4 years ago. I won ten thousand dollars. Like every other gambler I was going to do great things with it. It lasted about a month. I paid some debt, gave some to my daughter, and blew the rest. In the last 4 years I got about eighty thousand dollars in debt, all credit cards. You would have thought they would have cut me off. Not their fault, I knew just how to move that debt so it was building my credit up.
      Since the bankrupcy I find that I barely make enough to pay just the basics. I was living on those credit cards. I started working a second job but I don’t have any money for food and gas this week.I spend money that I need to pay bills. My daughter has been helping me out, not realizing she’s been supporting my habit. I lie, sneek around, avoid family and the few friends I have in order to gamble. I know I have to quit, I have never tried before. I keep thinking I can go back to the yearly trip to Vegas but I know that’s folly. I don’t want to ban myself because I want my free hotel rooms and steak dinners. I know this is false, they have never given me a thing, I paid for it all and then some! This is the start of my journey. I don’t want to EVER feel this way again. I am ashamed and just want to hide from it all. I planned to try a meeting today. I am making excuses and won’t make myself go. Maybe Thursday, I only work 1/2 a day. Thats a trigger time for me. I won’t gamble today. Tomorrow I work both jobs and won’t have the desire then either. Wednesday is a problem. I will find a meeting for then too. You all sound like friends. I hope to be in your good company too. Thanks for reading my book!

      Welcome. You will find that you’re not alone. I’ve been there too. My suggestion is to go to a meeting every day if you can for 90 days. If you’re really ready to quite this will definitely work. As far as banning yourself from the casinos, theres people that may disagree with me. I banned myself. I decided I had to do whatever it would take to keep me awayfrom the boats. As far as the free comps, forget them. You can’t have it both ways and in order to stay clean you need to stay far away from anything that has anything to do with gambling and that can cause a trigger for you. It’s hard to think about NEVER being able to gamble again so just take "one day at a time." Hang in there and remember life is worth living especially when we don’t place a bet.

    • #17191
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Hey Kin. I didn’t leave just busy!
      Thanks for checking up. I good, at peace wihout worring how to go gamble since I can’t, and it’s a good thing.
      Co worker has mannaged to steal credit for one of my accounts and I am really upset but he has not heard the last from me. My boss will side unfairly with him on this but I am trying not to let it get to me. I won’t forget this and he better think long and hard before asking me to help him out anymore. I hate banking! Cut throut inviroment to get new accounts, very sad!
      Gotta work out, getting late. I’ll check back latter!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17192
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Congratulations on being gamble free.  You are going well.  Sorry to hear of the other situaton at work hope it improves for you soon
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17193
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hey,
      trying to post but i keep getting knocked off!
      Have a good night, I’ll try again tomorrow!
      bettie

    • #17194
      bettie
      Peserta

      hi guys,
      hope to catch next chat. all is well!
      bettie

    • #17195
      colin in brum
      Peserta

      Hi bettie, maybe see you in the chat later.

    • #17196
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Missed the chat, internet down!!! Drats!!!!!!
      bettie

    • #17197
      p
      Peserta

      Oh bettie there is nothing worse, computers are so frutstrating aren’t they.  I hope you get it fixed soon so you can come chat
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17198
      salina
      Peserta

      ahh how are u doing my friend? I hope things are going well with you. Please let me know how u are doing, I really think bout you often and pray that everything is ok;this to shall pass

    • #17199
      female g
      Peserta

      hope to chat with you on the weekend still on the band wagan too lol g

    • #17200
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      Got asked out to lunch today by a guy i went out with a few times last year. Hey, i ain’t too proud to take a free meal when I’m flat broke! lol!
      So, whats the first thing he ask’s me? "Been to the boat lately?" Told him nope, i don’t go any more. ( he is a cg in denial-plays the horses, has a ‘system" ) He could not believe it when i told him i banned. "Are you sure you’re not going to the boat tonight? What ya gonna do?" "Go home, work out, have an egg white omilet and relax."
      Which is what I’m doing now!
      Have a good night, hope to catch you all tomorrow on the chat!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17201
      female g
      Peserta

      well when i was leaving my granddaughter today she almost started crying, didn’t want me to go. she gave me so many hugs too.  Just started walking too. What a joy she is.  It was worth it even if I was exhausted. It was a nice day and we went to the park such a better way to spend the day.  Glad you were able to relax tonight and stayed strong too good for you.  talk on the weekend ok G

    • #17202
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi G,
      So sweet those babies!
      Need to stay busy, time to clean!
      bettie

    • #17203
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie,
      want to come do my house when you are done of yours?  I want one of those home makeovers you see on tv.  They can clean sweep it and then decorate it.  You are remembering to do things that are healthy for you and will make you feel great.  Don’t forget to do some things that are just for fun.  And if you can’t think of any make a list 🙂
      Come to think of it I should take my own advice and make a list.  Good talking with you earlier Bettie.  Have a good night if I miss you.
      Laura

    • #17204
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      Just wanted to drop by and say hi…you are doing great.  I think it shows your commitment too, telling your friend like that, although i do hope you enjoyed the lunch! lol
      As for me, no hangover this morning, and i am grateful for that really, i am going to the football today.  30,000 people screaming…imagine my head!!!  At least now i will be screaming along with them!
      Have a great day, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #17205
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      You are doing so well.  I had to be proud of you when i heard you tell your friend you don’t go to the boat anymore, way to go girl, you are proving that you are on this no gambling road, together with all of us, over the world .  You are doing great Bettie, keep up the good work.  So happy for you
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17206
      kin
      Peserta

      Glad to see you active in here.
      it is impossible to be in 2 places at 1 time.
      When one is here,
      one is not at the slot machine
      they say a leopard cannot change its spot ( body )
      but
      a leopard can change its spot ( location )
      I learn in recovery
      a selfish person can do unselfish deeds
      a problem gambler can hang out in places with no gambling
      Way to go girl, keep it up ! Bettie
      The clean days is adding up
      One day at a time
       Gambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

    • #17207
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Thank you all for the support! Up early, didn’t finish cleaning Laura so I can’t help u out! My brother invited me for dinner, something i would never do on a "boat" night, so I hung out with him instead!
      I have plans today with my friend to go thrift shopping. I bought a suit for $4 last week and it was a hit. She always asks how I find these deals so I thought I would show her. She is kind of a prude so this should be fun.
      My AA friend called yesterday and wanted to know why I had not been to GA yet. I told her I had not yet found the time. she said yea but u found time to gamble. True, but I could do that 24/7 and GA has limited times. She doesn’t believe me so i told her to look at the site and call, I’ve done both.Wed and Thurs are really the only good times for me.
      I am just now wanting to explore that option. Wanted it during the "crisis" in Feb, too upset to go. Now I need to make the time. I am enjoying the "honeymoon" period of banning and am not having big urges now which is great. I need the skills to prevent the next binge. it’s like dieting, to be successful you must plan ahead and I am smart enough to know that. But I am loving the "honeymoon"!
      Kin, u are sounding better! Stick with your plan. You are stronger than u give yourself credit for!
      Salina, the story of me and my ex husband is unusual. Most Ex’s don’t get along like we do but it did take years to get there. We both had to grow up, we were both babies when we married. If I called him right now with a problem he would be here and if I could help him out with something I would. We did see each other when he was between wives and he had proposed to me between wife 2 & 3. I told him been there, done that! The things I didn’t like about him haven’t changed much and I didn’t feel like getting another divorce. lol!
      P,FG, Katheryn, thanks for the words of wisdom!
      Hope to chat a little now.
      be well,
      bettie

    • #17208
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie,
      I just got off chat, have to get some things done too.  Good to hear you are enjoying the honeymoon.  Sounds like you know what you need to do.  You’ll get to it.  Have a good day and maybe see you later.
      Laura

    • #17209
      ddsroad
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      Just wanted to stop by and see how you are doing.  Sounds like you are doing fantastic.  The banning has been a wonderful step and I can see it in your posts.  Keep up the good work!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

    • #17210
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi DD,Hi Laura,
      Should have went on my hunch and joined chat! Oh well, wanted to put away sewing machine so i can pick up the kitchen. Had to fix a skirt and jeans. Got that done but no one on chat!
      Until next time….
      bettie

    • #17211
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      tired! long day at work and long day tomorrow. my phone almost didn’t stop ringing last night so i couldn’t get back to chat.
      Vera, chicken was good, both fwb’s at the job within 2 minits of each other. Close call as I was outside talking with one and knew the other was on his way. Yea, big time sweating!lol!
      Got to get ready for another long day tomorrow.
      Take care!
      bettie

    • #17212
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hey!
      I’m home, hope to be on chat tonight. Tired as heck! Just gonna kick back a little. Hope I don’t fall asleep!
      bettie

    • #17213
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Saw something interesting on a gambling support site.
      "Anyone who gambles is a compulsive gambler. The only difference is to what degree they are addicted."
      "You can not win gambling, all gamblers are loosers because you will eventualy re-gamble that back, no matter how much you win. When ever you go back to gambling you are only continuing your "loosing streak" no matter how much or little you play."
      Now I don’t know that every gambler is a cg in waiting but the theory is interesting. I do agree that I do not know of any gambler who has kept any winnings, period.
      I am doing good. I am not dweling on gambling or on wanting to gamble so that is a blessing and total change for me.
      Hope everyone is doing well.
      peace
      bettie
       

    • #17214
      kin
      Peserta

      do it one day at a time
      keep posting, we believe in youGambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

    • #17215
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Hi Bettie:  You’re sounding wonderful, I am so proud of you.  Keep up the positive attitude and before you know it, you will have many more days and weeks free of this affliction.
      I am back on the wagon, as of this moment.  Got it all out and am now ready to go forward.
      Hope to see you on chat.
      Love,
      RGMay you be safe and happy.  May you be peaceful.

    • #17216
      ddsroad
      Peserta

      Bettie,
      You are sounding great!  Thanks for the encouraging post.  I really, really appreciate it!  Stay strong!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

    • #17217
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      Thanks for the posts!
      I have 2 parties today after work so i don’t think I will get much of a chance to chat today. Should be fun but I am fretting about spending the $$. Funny, if I was going to the boat $45 bucks would be a drop in the bucket but spending it for the party bus and admission to a "drag" show seens like a lot to me! (girl at work is getting married, bachlorette party). I’ve never been to a bachlorette party so it should be fun. "Toy party" at her house first, those are a hoot! ( if u don’t know what that is, don’t ask!) Then off to the drag show in a party bus.
      Hope to catch chat tomorrow. See u then!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17218
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Wohoooo Betty, party on! Hope you have a great day and a great time.  $45 bucks wouldn’t have lasted long at the casino and you would have only had a machine for company.  No laughs there.  Sorry will miss you on chat today, but there is always tomorrow.  Can’t wait lol.
      take care,
      Laura

    • #17219
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Party was a hoot! Didn’t do the bus thing though, couldn’t get tickets for the show and the young ones were going club hopping-a little out of my league.
      FWB ticked me off yesterday, I am so frustrated with this whole "relationship". Time to cut my losses and move on. I have had triggers all day today and wanted to go to the casino. I have been thinking all day about how many times my dissapointment in my "love life" or true lacking of having a "real" partner in my life has sent me running to the casino. Sad today when I should have been happy-I let him do that to me.
      Tried the chat but I seemed to be missing everyone. I wouldn’t have been good company today anyways.
      but i didn’t gamble
      bettie

    • #17220
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      You are doing great.  You didn’t gamble!!! Congratulations.  You are moving on up Bettie and don’t you let anyone else bring you down.  Come on chat no matter how you feel, you dont have to be feeling all up beat to go on there come on there even if you feel like crap.  By the time you leave you will most likely feel better, I am speaking from experience!  It has helped me many times. I practically lived on there all weekend.  My son had his cousin here so was playing all weekend and I had time to talk to all my GT friends, you are one of them, so hope to see you next time on chat.  Good on you Bettie you have come a long way.
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17221
      female g
      Peserta

      great to hear you made it through your urges. especially when things are difficult.  Every cloud has its silver lining !!!!  Didn’t have a chance to chat this weekend but hopefully next weekend. Stick with us progress is awesome. Wishing every day is yours to be happy with.G

    • #17222
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hey Guys,
      Thanks for the posts. Things are always brighter when the sun comes up and you have had a decent nights sleep.
      I am learning how to cope without running to the boat to escape. That is new for me.
      Have a long day today and tomorrow. Looked at some threads but no time to write. Will try to post tonight or tomorrow.
      Thanks for all the support! Nice way to start the day!
      peace
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17223
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie,
      glad things are looking better this morning.  Have a great day.
      Laura

    • #17224
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      Lost my post! Boo Hoo!
      Hope to be on chat tomorrow. H ave a great evening!
      bettie

    • #17225
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      So glad you had a great time at the bachelorette party…pity about the drag show…my absolute favourite thing.  When i went to Bali 10 years ago we went to a drag show there, and you could not tell that these women were men…they were stunning!!!  My husband dressed in drag once, we had a hookers and deviots night many many years ago and he wore my little black dress, complete with fishnets, red lipstick and his goatee beard…hysterical. He would never admit it though, but i think all men would like to try on a dress just once!!!!
      You are doing so well with your urges Bettie, dont let FWB send you back, he is definitely not worth it, not when you are doing such a great job with your recovery. 
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxx
       To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #17226
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      So good to hear that you are finding things apart from gambling that is such great news.  You have come a long way when you look back at where you were before!  Yey Bettie, life is so much better without gambling
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17227
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Thanks for the chat. Everyone who reads this please say a little prayer for my friend Salina who is having a hard time right now. Send out your love!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17228
      bettie
      Peserta

       Hi Guys,
      The jerk who ticked me off Saturday night/Sunday called. I gave him a tast of his own medicine, I’m too busy to talk, I’ll have to call you back. I didn’t call him.
      I hate to be like that, it’s just not my nature to be mean to people but I have to stop letting these guys get the best of me. I have been having urges ever since but I’m not gonna do it.
      Came home, worked out, cleaning started.
      Tomorrow is another day. I will be strong and i WILL NOT GO GAMBLE! I will deal with my sad feelings LIKE AN ADULT!
      No one can do this for me, I have to do it myself.
      peace
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17229
      ddsroad
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie,
      Excellent!  You just stand up for yourself.  You are worth being treated well, so don’t you forget it!  You are doing a great job with the urges.  And, yes, if you keep working out when you get urges, you’ll have them standing in line.  Just remember, you have a ton to offer someone and you are worth it!
      Thanks so much for the very kind reference to me in the "I’m thankful" post and right back at YOU!  You are doing great!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

    • #17230
      p
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie
      You keep on going, you are doing really well right now.  Working out and cleaning hey, both those things sound healthy and productive, sure beats gambling Bettie and you are doing such a great job on the gamble free road, nice to see you in chat
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17231
      neon
      Peserta

      Bettie,
      Thank you for sharing.  It really helped reading your post.  I think I know what I need to do.  Please keep your post going.  You are not alone and I feel the same as you.  Thanks for the suggestion to work out.  That is something I need to do more often. 
      ThankyouThe sun will come out tomorrow.

    • #17232
      female g
      Peserta

      good on you you for doing so well and i will be sure to drop a line to Salina.  We all know that the slipps are all apart of the recovery process.  Hopes she knowes too.g

    • #17233
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      My cable and internet have been down since Thursday!
      Still down today, won’t get fixed until Sunday!
      Miss you!
      bettie

    • #17234
      ej
      Peserta

      Life is interesting and frustrating in the recovery stage…woke up this morning planning to do one thing and a whole bunch of things came up and felt guilty if I did not do these other things my life woulld fall apart so easy to divert my attention to something else and forget who I am and my desire to quit gambling so have to learn to say f it to the other things and do what I really want to do hey thats healing…I am Eric and I am not a victim..that felt good…and I chose not to gamble today Peace

    • #17235
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      Caught some of u on the chat-so good to see u all.
      Silent treatment does work-boy do I hate playing games with people! Just not me!Oh well, the "friend" made an apology, thats a first! Seems I missed many calls all week, he was worried. I told him what an *ss he was and he agreed, guess thats a start. He still needs to go though.
      Sundays are hard but I will survive. No gambling-one month today. Thats a first!
      Hang in there! odaat!
      peace
      bettie 

    • #17236
      bettie
      Peserta

      TAKING A BREAK FROM CLEANING! i AM SO STUPID!
      My cable/internet has been down since Thursday. I was cleaning because cable guy was comming. I moved my chair to vacumm and guess what? MY BOOSTER FOR THE CABLE WAS UNPLUGED! WHAT A MORON!!
      Canceled the cable guy, plugged in the booster, all  is well! Thank God I caught that. They would have charged me a service call fee!
      Live and learn!
      bettie

    • #17237
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Good to see you are doing well, taking a break from the cleaning i see, well I am doing the same, i am attacking this stuff i havent been able to in a long time, i dont know why but always put it off so for the whole weekend i am doing it, and the way everything looks now it is a pretty daunting job but i break it down into smaller chunks it is more managable just like the gambling!  Breaking it down to one day at a time. You are doing great Bettie, keep going. 
      Had to laugh about the cable.  I have had so many probs with my computer lately hopefully resolved soon
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17238
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Reading threads, catching up. So Tired! Seem like a lot of new folks lately. Sorry they have "the problem" but glad they found GT.
      I think about gamnling less and less but I went to my friends house in Indiana and I knew if I had not banned I would have found an excuse to go to the boat. I had no $$, couldn’t write a check without going to jail so that snuffed the desire right out.
      Broke and happy today! What a blessing!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17239
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Wow you sound so happy in your posts, congratulations.  You are doing so well, so glad Bettie, I am going ok!  wish i could ban from everywhere it makes me sad that it is so hard here but I just have to work at those other barriers.  Glad you are enjoying life Bettie, keep smiling
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17240
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Wow you sound so happy in your posts, congratulations.  You are doing so well, so glad Bettie, I am going ok!  wish i could ban from everywhere it makes me sad that it is so hard here but I just have to work at those other barriers.  Glad you are enjoying life Bettie, keep smiling
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17241
      paul315
      Peserta

      Originally posted by bettie

      … had no $$, couldn’t write a check …
      … happy today! What a blessing …

      Good morning Betty,
      Good to see you were able to snuff out the urges and stay gambling free; well done.
      I find that not carrying $$ and not being able to write a check (plus not having a ATM card or the use of cash advances on credit cards) my biggest barrier. Keep yours in place, having them as part of your armory makes saying no somewhat easier resulting in being happy and blessed.
      God’s speed.Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

    • #17242
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      What an interesting day. I had a customer I had not seen in over two years come into the bank today. He talked to me a while before he realized who I was. He said "You look like a new person," I told him "110lbs makes a difference." He laughed and asked me out to lunch! What a nice guy! Had a good time. And a gentleman too! Opened the car door, restruant door, no question about the check. Refreshing!
      My friend who plays the ponies called me at work. Seem he has moved on from the off track betting parlor to online gambling. He has 5 pending tractions and has spent over 1500.00 in the last week. I asked him if he was ready to stop as it seemed his "system" that he told me about didn’t seem to be working. He really didn’t see the humor. I was mean I know but this is the guy who kept asking me "are you sure you’re not going to the boat" and was trying to get me to try playing the horses.
      Feeling good today!
      peace
      bettie– 5/6/2010 12:34:48 AM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17243
      bettie
      Peserta

      Ok, Whats up with the stars??
      My trucker buddy called, he wants to take me to Miami Beach for Mothers Day! The question? Will my boss let me have the time off??
      I haven’t had a vacation in 2 years. All I would have to cover is my food. Will it happen? Pray and cross your fingers!
      bettie
      this turned into a near disaster!!!!!– 5/8/2010 11:19:39 PM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17244
      ej
      Peserta

      hey Bettie looks like you are doing very well congrats and will pray so that ur stars line up right and thanks for ur post life is good still trying to clean up my house no time working working to catch up I guess forgetting to slow like someone told me on the advice line it took a long time to get to where I am at so it’ll time to recover have to remenber to have fun and take a holiday too well keep up the good work bye Eric

    • #17245
      mobikom
      Peserta

      Bettie: Keep it up.You should love the days you are not gambling. You have a clearer mind and best of all you are living and enjoying every single day of it. It oppose to your journal "woke up wishing i was dead today". :)"You cannot change the system but you can change who you are"."I would not gamble with money i do not have" and "Make promises i can’t keep".

    • #17246
      bettie
      Peserta

      I wish I coukd say I’ve enjoyed the last couple of days but life is like that.
      My friend who invited me on the trip has not called me back. Period.
      I had a miserible time trying to get the time off. My asst mgr was worried about coverage but that was no issue when she and the only other banker were off at the same time and I worked by myself for a week. That whole thing left me in tears and so upset I am ready to quit, if only I could!
      So I go to all this trouble, secure the time, risk my job and make a general *ss out of myself and this idiot can’t even return my call. I just don’t get it! Why did he even call and invite me in the first place. Men, chime in here, what happened?? I am puzzled.
      Oh well, long story short he better not call. PERIOD! I am deleating him from my phone. facebook and life. It really doesn’t matter at this point, the only acceptable excuse is he’s dead. and if he’s not then he has no explanation that would be accepted.
      BOY WOULD I LIKE TO GO GAMBLE! There, I said it. I have been urges since this mess started yesterday. I know how to set myself up for failure! Now I need to work on planning to succeed!
      I’m going to go on the chat, I am going to stay home. I took the last of my cash out of the bank today and it’s in my purse screaming go=go=go!
      Just got to yell back NO-NO-NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      bettie
       

    • #17247
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Sorry you are having a hard time.  I have lost my best friend so i understand.  He doesnt put in any effort to keep our friendship going so can’t see the point of it always being me, i figure if there is no effort being made on his part he really cant care that much.  I have let go of that a long long friendship and it was really good for the most part so will just remember the good times and try to move forward.  Before i would really try to hold on but i know now it is time to let go.  Life is out there for us Bettie.  You keep saying no no no to that purse too ok, go on chat instead, what a wonderful idea.  It has been a saviour for me many times, this site has been truly amazing.  i am so glad i found it and got to meet people like you Bettie.  See you on chat!
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17248
      bettie
      Peserta

      I know things don’t happen by chance, i believe in fate.
      This wasn’t meant to be so it didn’t work out. "He" was just an actor in the play of life, put there to see how i would pass this test.
      I will win and move past this dissapointment like an adult and say too bad, so sad!
      "Tomorrow, is another day!"    Scarlett O’Hara  aka bettie

    • #17249
      mobikom
      Peserta

      Hello Bettie. Not to worry, God says "Good Things Happen To Those Who Wait" *wink :)"You cannot change the system but you can change who you are"."I would not gamble with money i do not have" and "Make promises i can’t keep".

    • #17250
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Stayed home, made it through. Cooler heads will prevail! Thanks to V, Laura, Pp, Katheryn and last but not least Mobi, for the chat yesterday. Thanks for letting me vent. I think that Mobi and I were on by ourselves for over an hour!
      What a sweetie!
      Need to work out and rid myself of some of the junk food I ate yesterday. Going to pick up my Mom amd do her hair for Mothers Day.
      happy day moms!
      bettie

    • #17251
      p
      Peserta

      hey Bettie
      I hope you had a great day!  You are sounding good and working through all that life is throwing at you, need i say, without gambling, well done Bettie so proud of you
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17252
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      made it through work, gave  little cold shoulder to the asst manager, resigned to "take it like a man". It’s just hard when you feel like you’re not treated fairly but my friend told me to hang in there, better days are coming my way. So hard not to be down about the whole situtation, ( the idiot still hasn’t called ) and hard not to be a pessamist.
      I will survive, hurt feelings and all, and be better for it.
      Now a gambling question, why does my head say you should plan a trip to the casino when things settle down, you deserve to enjoy yourself.
      What is fun about giving your money to a machine??
      I am trying to replace that thought with, What summer concerts are comming up that u would like to go to? How about a trip to a bed and breakfast? I’ve never done that!
      Ring up the Cousin, she likes the adventure, plan something, anything, just not a gambling trip!
      Why do I want to do this? What is fun about a gambling hangover? Why do I think I can gamble just a little?
      WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???????????????????
      I know the answer but want to be in denial about it.
      YOU ARE A COMPLUSIVE GAMBLER DUMMY! THATS WHY!
      odaat
      bettie

    • #17253
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      I so relate to what you are saying, how  many times have i thought i could go back and just spend a little, it never happens, ever!  but some part of the brain still says we can and i guess that is the compulsive part of our illness.  It definately is an illness isnt it.  i am off to a meeting tonight, doing everything i can to stay strong.  On we go Bettie, dont look back
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17254
      female g
      Peserta

      the gambling monster rearing its ugly head trying to convince you to do what you know is just not worth it.   The anwers are all around you. read and remind yourself from the posts of all your cg friends.  none of us can come up with great success stories from our gambling addiction. There just aren’t any.  I too see that my life without gambling still reguires lots of hard work, even more than i realized., after all escaping was easier that is for sure.  But i want to be the person who says i will take the time to work through things and stop running to a more destructive lifestyle call GAMBLING. I want to also be there for each other as we struggle through each and everyday G

    • #17255
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie,
      Oh, this addiction is clever, any excuse to start those urges, it knows exactly what to do. 
      So, plan that concert, trip to a B&B and give that addiction the cold shoulder, you are travelling so well Bettie, you do deserve something special, gambling will only add to your grief, get excited about life and living, ring your cousin and organise something fun!!! It was great catching up with you on chat on the weekend.
      Take care girl, Kathryn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #17256
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Thanks for the posts. Gotta jump in the shower and get to work.
      I am here getting my motovation for the day. Need to be productive, eat better today, and should have worked out but maybe after work. I have been binge eating and haven’t worked out since last week-not a good way to deal with my urges but at least i didn’t gamble.
      The best thing about today is the chance to start clean!
      I have been working on a list of things I need and things I want to do once I get that check this month, Gambling is NOT on that list!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17257
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Hi Bettie!  Hey, if you are ever wanting to get away on a weekend trip and want a companion let me know.  I am in Illinois too and fighting this ugly demon as well.  Stay strong girl, you are doing great!
      JulesIf you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17258
      bettie
      Peserta

      Today has been the worse ever food binge day i have ever had!
      I had great intentions then BOOM, I was walking out the door and was hit with a major dizzy spell. I don’t know if I was having low bloor sugar or a reaction to my new blood pressure pills, but i stopped at the Mc Donalds and had a lousy greasy breakfast, which seemed to help a bit but then I started sweating, and I mean major rainfall! I was soaked by the time i got to work, even with the air on in the car! My hair, which took me 30 minits to straighten and style, looked like a fuzzball!
      I have been eating ever since! Donuts. french frys, cheese burger, bread, ice cream, u name it!
      UGG!!!!
      I bet i’ve hade 6000 calories today!
      I need to call my "girlie" doctor tomorrow, maybe menopause??
      At least that kept me from thinking about gambling!
      Tomorrow is another day!
      bettie

    • #17259
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Sounds like you are going through something at the moment.  I love my food too Bettie, I definately notice when i eat junk the effect on me.  We gotta look after ourselves Bettie.  One trick i have found is always making sure i have healthy food in the house.  Eating it before i go out too.  Take a healthy snack with you for the road, or maybe you could take lunch with you where you are going.  just a suggestion, sometimes i pig out on junk, its ok once in a while but all the time will make you feel worse.  Anyway just wishing you all the best and hope you are feeling good soon
      You are doing so well on the gambling Bettie
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17260
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi P, Hi Guys,
      Yes, i’m usually better prepaired food wise at home but i was so broke this week i didn’t shop for food and had to rely on the freezer . Being too lasy to cook also led to buying cheap fast food-a big no-no and it didn’t help that i bought 2, not 1 but 2 half gallions of ice cream! I just ate some too! Yummy!
      Oh well, i worked hard today so maybe that won’t be too damaging.
      I feel better today but tired, need to nap and maybe get back on the ball and pick up this messy place.
      I am feeling better about that last urge crisis so thats a good thing.
      bettie
       

    • #17261
      paul315
      Peserta

      Originally posted by bettieWoke up wishing I was dead today

      Originally posted by Ken L

      May 13 Reflection for the Day

      … when a person stumbles through the day in a pit of despair, wishing to die, but refusing to die; when a person gets up the next day and does it all over again – well, that takes guts… Have I the courage to keep trying, one day at a time? …

      Good afternoon Betty,
      Good to visit with you in Group today.  After I left I read Ken L’s Reflection for the Day and thought of you and your topic title.  If you get a chance read it.
      It is obvious that your "wish" has changed into a desire to live; a desire to live gambling free.
      God’s speed. Stay strong.Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

    • #17262
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Larry,
      Funny you should mention it but I have thought about starting a new thread. I have only had the "wish I was dead" feeling once after starting this thread but I now know that many feel like i did then, when I thought I was all alone.
      I hope in someway it gives hope to someone feeling that sick scarry way I felt at that time.
      It serves as a reminder of what depths this illness will take you if you let it.
      You’re right Larry, I WANT TO LIVE! I WANT TO BE HAPPY! Gambling will NEVER give me the GOOD FEELING that I now have by NOT GAMBLING!
      I need to remember this and not become complacent. That is a sure road to disaster.
      Always good to chat with you too!
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17263
      bettie
      Peserta

       
       
      I copied this from Marilee’s thread. It speaks so much truth ( at least to me ) that I almost cried when I read it.
      I would recomend having someone to whom you are trying to explain this illiness to read it.
      Thanks Marilee, hope you are ok where ever you are. 
        
      It often crosses my mind that being an addict is like trying to communicate with a deaf world.  You are trying and trying to say the words, but no one can hear you.  It is a disease of incredible loneliness, isolation, secrecy, fear and depression.  Since you don’t walk with crutches, have a cast, bandages or bruises, others do not know you are sick. In the beginning, you don’t know you are sick either.  It may be more visible to others who notice your mood, your unhappiness, your withdrawal, than it is to you.  Make no mistake – the denial of a problem is protecting the addict from a pain they are not ready to handle.  With all addictions, moving from denial is a risky process.  It involves putting your relationships, your self-esteem, your sanity on the line.  To get from denial to acknowledgement, those who surround you need to understand this:  gambling is NOT about the money.  Money is only the tool that helps us continue to use a coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions.  The power of the addiction is that, in the beginning, this tool worked amazingly well.  In the beginning, a casino feels like a safe place.  No one asks anything of you, the lights and noise distract your thoughts, for one hour or ten, you have nothing to do but sit and press a button that randomly rewards you.  Go back to any Psychology 101 class and you will find that it is proven that random rewards are far more powerful in sustaining the behavior.  This would be an ideal solution, except that – like an alcoholic who needs more and more alcohol to get drunk – a gambler needs to go more often to shut off the negative emotions and the anxiety, depression and despair that those emotions cause.  Eventually, the financial losses accumulate, and you add yet another layer of problems to the many you already couldn’t cope with.  In many ways, it is easier to see the financial problems as the only ones you really have.  There isn’t a gambler out there who doesn’t say "if only I could win $10,000 my problems would be solved".  Well, they would be solved on one level – relief from the stress of unpaid bills, collection calls, legal action – but the reasons why you gamble have not been addressed and you would begin the cycle all over again.
      Gamblers are both alike and different.  We are alike because we have chosen a coping mechanism for psychological pain that, without question, will lead to financial ruin, destruction of relationships and often death.  We are alike because we all play a negative tape in our heads – "I am stupid", "I am worthless", "If anyone really knew me they would not love me"; and on and on it goes.  We are only different in the life situations that cause us to have the negative emotions.
      What can those who are close to a gambler do?  Perhaps it is easier to list what I believe they should not do.  Do not judge, belittle or demean us.  That is what we do to ourselves in our head.  Words like "shocked" "disappointed" "angry" will not help us.  They will increase the negative emotions, and increase the drive to release that pressure by gambling more.  Do not place the blame for your emotions on us.  "You hurt me because you lied" "You have taken my trust".  We can’t deal with our own emotions, how in God’s name are we supposed to deal with yours?  Those close to a gambler need to work concurrently with us – find your own outlet and help for your emotions while we are dealing with ours.  We are not indifferent to how those around us are feeling, we are simply not capable of helping them.  Do not expect a gambler to tell you why they gamble.  For some it is a lifelong pursuit to understand it themselves.  At a minimum, it is a lengthy process of uncovering the many things in their past that brought them here.  Do not expect a gambler to just stop once they have acknowledged the gambling.  You are an addict for life.  Recovery often involves relapse.  Think of it this way – if someone tells you that you can never, ever have chocolate again, wouldn’t you run around and binge on it before it was gone?  A gambler is losing the only crutch they have and it is very scary.  Until other, different and healthy coping mechanisms are in place, we are terrified to be without our gambling crutch.
      What can you do?  Always, always have compassion.  Someone you love is in terrible pain.  If they had a physical disease, you would unquestionably be there to support them.  But they have an emotional disease – and they need you even more.  Tell them you love them, need them, and want to suppport them to get well.  Don’t threaten them – "If you gamble again I am leaving".  Unless of course that is how you really feel.  If so, say it, mean it, do it.  This is an intensive battle for the gambler’s life.  If you’re not in it for the long haul, then get out of the way.  It is okay to place reasonable conditions on your support  – "I’ll drive you to your meetings but I won’t give you money" – but that doesn’t mean your love can be conditional. 
      Respect the gambler.  There is no dignity in this disease.  We have spent a long time and a lot of energy creating a false mask for others in order to hide our disease and our pain.  Admitting you are an addict takes more courage than most people will ever know.  We deserve to be respected for this.
      It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….
      Looking for the Wisdom– 5/13/2010 11:09:41 PM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17264
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      so glad you posted that.  Funny, I was thinking of Marilee last night.  Just  quickly wondering how she is doing and hoping all is well in her world. 
      And of course I stopped by to see how things are in your world Bettie.  Sounds as though you are working things through.  I think that was a tough part for me.  Knowing that all the crappy feelings that made me want to run to gambling were still there to deal with.  But, I am learning to cope in healthier ways.  I want to have a healthy balanced mind.  Going to take some work on my part!  I am on my guard against replacing with another addiction.
      Good for you Bettie on your thoughts on mr wrong.  He doesn’t deserve your friendship.  I see a smart, caring woman who deserves to be treated with respect.  Don’t settle for less Bettie.
      Have fun working on that list!  That sounds like a great idea.  Then the hard part will be deciding what you are going to do.  But writing down all the possibilities must be fun.
      Have a great day Bettie.  Weekend chat is nearly here 🙂
      Laura

    • #17265
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Laura, Hi Guys,
      I spent a lot of time reading my thread. Funny how the urges go hand in hand with the times I feel slighted or upset about something but mainly someone. I would have never made that connection before. Interesting.
      "Settle for less", that is the main theme here. I do it all the time Laura, i just never saw the pattern before.
      well, something solid to work on. I am  "people pleaser" and allow myself to be taken advantaged of.
      Learning-thats a good thing!
      bettie

    • #17266
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie,
      this people pleaser says "I hear ya"! 
      Laura 🙂

    • #17267
      female g
      Peserta

      hey Bettie glad to see you are really figuring things out and trying to change the way you respond to the day to day.  I too people please way to much and its hard to change that., but at least like you i am more aware and can try to take steps tp change old habits and replace them with new more condusive ones that will leave us more satisfied and feeling less used.G Stay strong in recovery

    • #17268
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      I have been trying to get into the site since last nite, I thought u were gone forever!
      I kept getting "run time error" but no site, even at 5 am today!
      Glad you’re still here GT! Don’t make me panic! LOL!
      bettie

    • #17269
      bettie
      Peserta

       
      When I couldn’t get on GT last night i found this on a site called Stop Gambling Now. It is very long but it really says alot about how i’m feeling these days.  Someday I will get all of this right because frankly, I’ve had ENOUGH.
      Friday, August 22, 2008

      ENOUGH
      A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!

      Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

      You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

      You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK.
      (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

      You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

      You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh,what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive,how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

      You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard
      the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

      You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

      You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love…. and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms… just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely…

      You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

      You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK…. and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want…and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

      You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch… and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

      And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

      You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.
      More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

      You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time… FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.

      And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful
      and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

      Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

      Finally, with courage in your heart and with God (whatever you believe him/her to be) by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

      — AUTHOR UNKNOWN
      (But dearly appreciated)
      It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17270
      bettie
      Peserta

      Still can’t get into the chat! Drat!

    • #17271
      female g
      Peserta

      I know i tried numorous times late last night too 🙁  Everything is back though and managed to get on for awhile this afternoon.  hope your doing ok and enjoyed the post. Very thought provoking and interesting.G

    • #17272
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi G,
      I did get on with a lot of lags. I’m sure they will work it out.
      Hope to catch u.
      bettie

    • #17273
      trojanfan
      Peserta

      Bettie! Nice to have met you today in the chat. Great pizza right?Yes we can

    • #17274
      bettie
      Peserta

      Sweet Young Man Trojanfan!
      Time to start that journey and that thread!
      dON’T WAIT 20 years like most of us have, u have a full lifetime ahead of yourself!
      Start Now!
      bettie

    • #17275
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      I loved this message so much but it is too much to absorb at once so I thought I would break it down and work it odaat, or one week or one month, however long it takes to sink in.
      This message is a good one to start on.
      "And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. "
       
      peace
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17276
      p
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie
      Just love it!!! Nice reading.  Hope to see you again soon on chat!
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17277
      salina
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie!
      Sorry it’s taken so  long to post. I’m just not feeling like it but I know I need to. I am sitting here, Monday evening, watching the cats clean themselves and wondering if it could all be just that simple!  My life is really starting to reap the consequences of my behavior.. I dont know how long I can keep up.
      As for your post and your words, well yes it is all so true.. life is really your body and like it says the temple. I hope that you are treating your temple with respect that it so well deserves. Laughing,playing and resting are all part of the respect.
      I have trouble with the whole respecting myself and valuing it. From what I understand your health is the most valuable asset you have.. and we as cgs have forgotten that.. I am hoping that someday, just someday I will remember and act on that fact..
      Thanks for listening and being there. Everytime I go online I know Bettie will be there and thats a good thing!
      I will be here tomorrow night for group hope you will be there too!
       this to shall pass

    • #17278
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Nice way to start a long day, nice to see your posts.
      Had a long talk with my exgambling buddy. She hasn’t gone since I banned Indianna in March. She says she doesn’t miss it at all. Wow, I’m not doing it but I am missing it!
      Gotta get to work, I hope to be on group tonight.
      peace,
      bettie

    • #17279
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie,
      Missing it or not, you are not gambling and THAT is the power of you girl!!!!
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #17280
      female g
      Peserta

      Well I am glad that that I can focus more on my temple both physical and not lol. i am quite busy getting ready to move to my new temple lol at the end of the month.  I too miss the casino but not the waste of time.  So I am like you thinking of better ways to use the precious time I have.  I enjoyed reading your posts too and I look forward to the good days ahead.G

    • #17281
      p
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie
      I too miss those machines some days like you wouldnt believe!  but in the end i know that being there with them is going to cause way too much misery and i try to remember the last time i thought it would be fun to go try again!  It was not fun! 
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17282
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      I caculated the overdraft fees that my horsey betting friend has had on his account. In 18 months he has given away 5800.oo in fees ALONE! This doesn’t even count what atm fees he’s paid at the off track betting parlor. I wonder if he knows or if he just blocks it out of his head like I did. It’s a little odd being on the other end, looking at someone else’s problem and knowing I can do nothing that will make a difference to him.
      What do you say? What do you do? What difference can I make for him?
      I guess I just bite my tonge and say nothing. Maybe I need to go on F&F and look around.
      Thanks for the posts. I do need to remember that there was NO FUN the last time i gambled either. Dangerous thoughts though, my check is in the mail and should be here next week.
      I am glad to see posts from Cully, Vera and Salina on their threads. They had me worried!
      I am struggling with food now, munching all the time. I see my girlie Dr Thursday. My sister confirmed my incident last week as a full blown hot flash so we’ll see what dr has to say. Maybe thats the constant hunger? Or am I stress eating because I’m not gambling?
      I WILL NOT GAIN WEIGHT! I CAN"T PUT MY BODY THROUGH IT!
      Yea, my body is a temple. and I am looking more and more like Budda every day!
      Hope to catch u guys on the chat!
      peace
      bettie
       

    • #17283
      female g
      Peserta

       i think the weight things is also a by product of no more gambling.  I f you were anything like me I could sit for 12 hr with nothing to eat 2-3 nights a week sometime.  now I am spending more time eating than ever and can see a few extra pounds on me too.  I will try to work it off though with a new excersise program soon , now that I have more time on my hands G

    • #17284
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Didn’t eat too bad today but did a big workout. I am pooped! My fwb told me my face looked chubby, he could tell I am putting on weight. I threatened to imbed the heal of my pump upside his head. He thought I would tell him up his behind, so i told him I was wearing two shoes and it could be arranged.
      ODAAT, I guess.
      Bettie

    • #17285
      p
      Peserta

      Hehehe Bettie
      You are a funny one!  I had a little giggle at that post.  You are doing great.  I had a very close call this morning but glad i can say that now and be safe at home.  Hey talking weight gain, when i gambled, i think it is the only time in my life i didnt eat.  I love food, i love to eat.  I would sit at a machine for hours and hours and not think food.  I didnt care if i ate or not, now, well, i have gained some weight.  Quite a bit, but am working on that too but worrying more about not gambling at the moment.  The weight i will get to eventually.  Hey, you are not gambling Bettie, be proud!
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17286
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi P,
      Glad you survived the urge. I am waiting for the slip so I am trying to be viglent! I keep thinking it"s Friday, looking for the chat, what a dummy! I was in Indianna today, shopping. I spent $40 on undies! Cute ones too! I got my feet and nails done, got a hair cut. So I spent $120 total. That might hasve lasted all day or 30 minutes at the casino. I felt guilty spending the cash, bills need to be paid but at least I have something to show for my $$.
      I may be chubby but I’m STILL Cute!
      lol!
      bettie

    • #17287
      female g
      Peserta

      nice to see the real you coming through on your posts and good on you for treating yourself a little pampering its just what you deserve to be sure and your right we would have taken just over an hour to throw that into a machine and have nothing to show for in the end. G

    • #17288
      bettie
      Peserta

      I am home today, called off work. I am so tired!
      Need to go to Dr store and get refill on pain pills but i’m too tired right now. Oh mother nature! What a *itch u can be!
      This too shall pass!
      The chat was fun but 5am is a little early for me!
      bettie

    • #17289
      linnie44
      Peserta

      Hi betie,
      Let me introduce myself, ive been here for a couple of years but lately havent been posting cause I wasnt feeling well, just getting back into the swing of things and catching up on threads. Want to say congratulations for your determination to stay in recovery and well done for the wonderful support you have been providing by posting to others. Regarding urges, People are often bewildered that they dont go away and that is a source of distress in many. just accepting that they will always come(granted, fewer and farther between with abstience) prepares us to deal with them, the best way is just to acknowledge the thought then move on to something else. There is no reason to wait for the slip, first comes the urge, just wait for that, its much easier to deal with…waiting for the slip also brings with it waiting for the guilt, remorse and tiresome "starting over".
      You can do it.  You have the power to control your own life, something that actively gambling takes away from us. You are doing great, hang in there and best wishes to you!
      Hugs *life is good

    • #17290
      bettie
      Peserta

      chat #2 over, maybe i’ll go for 3! I should stay home more often!
      bettie

    • #17291
      paul315
      Peserta

      Originally posted by bettie

      …  I am waiting for the slip …
      …  I felt guilty spending the cash …

      Good morning Bettie,
      It does seem strange how we in the past could blow dollar after dollar with little if any guilt and now that we don’t gamble we feel guilty about pampering ourselves a little.  What guilt we felt during and after gambling came more form the realization the we did wrong and not necessarily that we spent money. Now that we are gambling free spending a little extra causes a different guilt. This comes from being responsible and is not the same guilt that haunts and causes pain; rather it is a guilt that reminds us to be vigilant while still allowing a good feeling.
      Don’t bother waiting for a slip, you do not gamble. On the other hand, if you are waiting to slip; keeping working on your recovery and that wait will be useless also. Just do it ODAAT.
       Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

    • #17292
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      I see that I’m am setting myself to fail so with that thought in mind I can cut it off at the pass.
      GA, Thursday, no excuses!
      I have a wedding to go to tomorrow and Sunday we are having a birthday celebration for my brother.
      My time is spent in advance, no time to waste it at a casino this week!
      Thanks for the posts, might make the next chat too!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17293
      kin
      Peserta

      Wow ! you have really come so far, you even have the awareness to know that you are setting yourself up …..and do something about it.
      Well done and keep up the good workGambling only adds to the pain,  its like a painkiller that numbs the area for a while but …the  side affects actually make the original pain worseI must remember to count my blessing

    • #17294
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Was really nice to see you on chat again. I had to laugh at all our weight issues etc, I was sitting there with crackers and dip while the chat was on saying , gee i have gained some weight as i shovelled in another cracker.  What a laugh!  You are going for your third chat way to go.  I can only catch the nightime ones here sometimes so i am soooo glad there will be a daytime one here next week.  It is a little dream come true for me.  yippppeeeeeee.  Hey you are doing great Bettie.  You are not gambling, and you are here posting and chatting all the time.  Yey for Bettie you are making it through, remember how far you have come to when you were at those boats and you came back in distress.  Here is to our gamble free days Bettie, lets keep going!
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17295
      bettie
      Peserta

      Ok, I did the full chat circle today! Ken L said people might start talking about us. Oh Well, that won’t be the first time! LOL!
      On to the weekend chat!
      P, chatting all the time? Yea, someone put a quarter in me today! lol!
      catch u later!
      bettie

    • #17296
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi All,
      Made it home.Groomsman tried to put the brides garder on me, left my atm card at home so I would not leave and go to the casino like i would have in the past. Feet hurt from the rinestone sandels but i looked good!
      Nice time, no gambling.
      peace
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17297
      mobikom
      Peserta

      Good weekend you are having 🙂 Keep it up  "You cannot change the system but you can change who you are"."I would not gamble with money i do not have" and "Make promises i can’t keep".

    • #17298
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Good job Bettie!  Glad you had a good time.  Hey, sometimes we have to sacrifice a little pain in the name of beauty. If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17299
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      6:30 am,, the sun is up, the promise of a new day.
      I want to thank the weekend chatters-always good to see u all!
      I have to clear up my mortgage situtation, they won’t let me pay online because I am so far behind but it should be ok, I am a little nervous.
      I did get my $ I was waiting for but It won’t go as far as I had hoped. But one place it won’t go is the casino. Funny, I have been having urges the last few weekends but now that it’s here and I am looking at the debts that must be paid I realize this is all more gambling debt. not that it matters but I guess I should add yet another ten grand to the tally.
      Does it ever stop?
      I am getting my house in order. My goal? next year when this money comes I will not take a PENNY of it. It will get reinvested into a retirement plan. ( I started to roll this money out 3 years ago. The rule was that once you took some u had to take it all over a 5 year payout so I can’t just stop it, or I would!)
      Being responsible, taking charge!
      peace
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17300
      Anonim
      Tamu

      You are doing so well bettie, keep it up!  If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17301
      howanan
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie… Sounds like you are setting some good long term goals.  You sound very positive.  This gambling can really bring a person down emotionally and physically.  The longer we stay away from it the better we feel.  Like we are coming out of a fog and can now see some light.  Hope you get things straightened out with your mortgage.  I have decided to not make another mortgage payment on my rental property.  It will be vacant next month and unless I get another renter I can not afford to make those payments.  I have listed it for sale and and submitted the forms for a short sale to the mortgage company.  I have never not paid a bill before but I can not let this get to me.  I have been stressed about it for a long time.  Oh well, it will work itself out………..Have a good day,,,,,,,,,NancyWhat lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us………….

    • #17302
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Thanks for the posts. I called the mtg and was able to get current on both. ( Thanks God!) I am dissapointed that I let myself get here but here I am.
      The money is almost all gone now and will be  by the end of the week. At least the bills are current but i looked at my budget and there really isn’t much room for any extras.
      I have what I need and I can work with that. If I want more I will just have to figure out how to make more $$, simple as that.
      I am blessed and need to count my blessings, so many more have so much less. I need to stop being greedy.
      Nancy, did you let the mtg company know u won’t be able to manage that payment? There is supost to be help out there and lots of talk about it. I have been trying to get a modification but they keep wanting more info. Oh well, worth a shot right? What can they say, no? It will work out, something always does.
      Gonna look around then hit the sack!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17303
      salina
      Peserta

      Sorry Bettie I havent felt like posting. I am gamble free for 3 weeks but honestly I dont feel like posting and havent. I am so so grateful for you and others here please stay with me.. I will try to get  it together and start posting.. thanks for being there. I am so proud of you . You sound like u are doing great.this to shall pass

    • #17304
      p
      Peserta

      Hi bettie
      I think you are doing such a great job in your gamble free time.  It is such a huge change to before you banned, think its the best thing you ever did!
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17305
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hiya Bettie,
      Im so pleased to see how well you are doing…im starting my ear wax collection, and i should have my line on ebay by the end of the year…LOL.  I told the girls at work about that today, and they nearly fell over laughing!!!
      I did get to do 2 ear syringes today, it truly is my favourite thing…and yes, they all think im wierd but they are saving them for me, bless them.
      Anyway, just wanted to say hi, thanks for looking out for me, and im glad all is ok in bettie land.
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #17306
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      That is great you are making goals for yourself with your finances.  Dont be too hard on yourself Bettie or put too much pressure on yourself.  You are doing a great job and you will just keep on improving with time.  See you soon on chat soon i hope!
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17307
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Nice little chat, need to remember that time for Wednesday here.
      Need to clean so I don’t have to do it tomorrow!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17308
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Stopping in to say hi Bettie 🙂
      Must be a load off your mind now that the house is back up to date.  You’ve got the right attitude! No more money for the casino.  I’m on an extremely tight budget too.  It’s made me look at finding pleasure in the little things.  Which can really be a gift.  Have a great day Bettie.
      Laura

    • #17309
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys, Thanks for the posts!
      Did u see the news? I guy in PA has to give his jackpot back. Y? He is banned and went anyways. I Wonder if trying to claim the $2001. that he hit is worth the embarresment and the tresspass charge he now faces. If he’s anything like me that $2001 is just a drop in the loosing bucket.
      This would happen to me so it just inspires me to STAY AWAY!
      I hope this man can now face his deamons head on and get help. I do feel his embaressment and his shame.
      Ga tonight. I wonder what it will be like??
      peace
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17310
      howanan
      Peserta

      It’s good to know that the self exclusion works doesn’t it?  I am glad your mortgage is all caught up.  I did try to work with the mortgage company, but they don’t do loan modifications on investment property.  So now, I have no choice but to try to sell it in a short sale or let it be foreclosed on.    I know it will hurt my credit score, but I can’t think of another thing to do.  I know I won’t be buying another home, so that leave maybe a car in the future.  My husband says he will get the car loan if necessary. 
      Let us know houw the GA meeting went…………..NancyWhat lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us………….

    • #17311
      bettie
      Peserta

      Ok Guys, fess up time.
      Didn’t make it to GA, Jules wasn’t up for it but I have no such excuse. There are thursday meetings that are close to me.
      Maybe next week.
      Saw Dr, need a procedure to confirm what I think is already going on. It should be just fine.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17312
      cully21
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie. I hope you are doing well. I read your previous post about that guy who won at a banned casino and isnt getting the money. This is something I have brought up time and time again of part of the risks of gambling in a banned casion. I have read post from others before gambling at banned casinos where the casino did not care. I guranatee you they will care when you go to cash in a signifcant jack pot. They are not going to let you walk away with those kind of winnings when they have a signed banning document from you.
      I am glad you posted about it. Even if you manage to sneak into a  banned casino, there are consequences. I have thought about it before, but will not go to a banned casnino for sure. No matter how seriously or non-seriously they act about the ban.
      Like you said about the guy, he now faces tresspasing charges. It’s a misadmenor, but like you said with embarrassment, I wouldnt want it on my record when I go to apply for a job.
      It is imortant that we remember there are consequences to self-banning not matter what.
      God Bless,
      Cully21

    • #17313
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      That is the exact reason i love self exclusion.  Its not the thought of winning the money and being unable to claim it, its the thought of being caught, the embarassment and shame, no way im going down that road.
      Maybe now he will get the help he needs, but as we all know, he has to take the steps.  As for you, although you missed your meeting, there is always another one, and as long as you are working your recovery you will be ok!  You are doing really well girl! 
      Might see you on the weekend, take care gorgeous
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #17314
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!!!!!
      I’ve missed u all SO MUCH!
      Thank you HARRY fo answering my email.
      Got to run but all is well-no gambling!
      Hope to catch therapy chat tonight.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17315
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Nice chat but i’m off to bed. Good to see you all. ((p)) Hang in there!
      Hope to post more tomorrow.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17316
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Bettie, you are doing awesome, keep it up my friend!  God Bless!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17317
      bettie
      Peserta

      What a lovely rainy day. It’s green outside, i just love it.
      Woke with a belly ache but will live to complain another day.
      Can’t seem to manage a workout in the morning so I plan one for after work, it keeps me busy and gives me something to do in my "idle" time.
      Looking for a stressful month. I have about 3 weeks to make that stupid quartly goal that they raised since last quarter and I am only 1/2 way there! I could use some prayer support so I am posting that here today.
      It’s sad. At this point in my life I should be coasting in this job but now that we are "salesman" it’s dog eat dog and no one wants to throw me a bone! Stress, gambling trigger! It’s not going to get me! I can see it, feel it, and just have to deal with it. Gambling doesn’t help it just makes it worse!
      Off to work then 2 days "off". I work the part time job tomorrow and have that medical procedure Friday but even that is more desirable than going to my job. Sad.
      time to get going,
      peace
      bettie

    • #17318
      mobikom
      Peserta

      Bettie!!! Your post are positive!! Nice to get by without gambling each day..cheers :)"You cannot change the system but you can change who you are"."I would not gamble with money i do not have" and "Make promises i can’t keep".

    • #17319
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Mobi, Hi Guys!
      I had a casino dream last night. I went to Vegas, I think I was by myself. I had been there for days, wandering through the casinos of my past. I was not playing, just looking. I wanted to play but I was thinking that I wanted to come home and post on my thread that I did it! I went to Vegas and didn’t gamble!
      So see, EVEN IN MY DREAMS YOU ALL MAKE ME NOT WANT TO GAMBLE! LOL!!
      Urges today but so what! I don’t gamble anymore!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17320
      bettie
      Peserta

      Out of the blue – BAMB!- urges! Wonder if it has a lot to do with my poor, no make that my total lack of self esteem!
      My friend stopped by and now he’s gone. I am so lonely! I settle for the tiny speck of attention he gives me, I long for him for weeks and he’s gone in a flash!
      Self destructive behaviour. now i want to gamble! I guess that goes hand in hand. I need therapy. I keep telling myself I don’t but I do.
      I am my own worst enemy. I know why I have no esteem I just don’t know what to do about it.
      I won’t gamble today. I am glad the casino is so far away!
      peace
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17321
      cully21
      Peserta

      Stay strong Bettie. Good for you for getting on here and posting about the urges. That is a good thing.
      Cully21

    • #17322
      bettie
      Peserta

      Tx Cully,
      I’m still here, urge is less but still there. I won’t leave the house until it passes.
      bettie

    • #17323
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Hey bettie!  Stay strong girl, you can do it!  I’ll call you later if you are going to be home?If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17324
      bettie
      Peserta

      Thanks Jules, I’ll be around! I might just call u!

    • #17325
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Hey bettie, after reading through some old posts, I realized our birthdays are like a week apart.  I say next year we meet somewhere for a birthday spa weekend!  Start saving your money, I like to stay at nice places!…lolIf you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17326
      bettie
      Peserta

      lifesaver Jules!
      Why didn’t we even talk about GA today??
      Weather is too nice and I am too lazy! I have never been to a spa, sounds good!
      bettie

    • #17327
      Anonim
      Tamu

      I didn’t even think about today being Thursday Bettie.  I am never off work on a Thursday.  Anyway, still waiting on my stove.  He was supposed to be here at 4.  Glad I don’t have a life and wasn’t going anywhere.If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17328
      bettie
      Peserta

      That stinks Jules!
      I went out to the thrift store, car wash, got my nails done. All still cheaper than going to the casino.
      I went to late dinner, ate a bananna split with my daughter. Lets see, no gambling means eating hot dogs, fries, and icecream! I wish i could substitute say, a long walk, instead of eating! Oh well, it was a treat, not a daily thing so tomorrow I will eat better.
      Nite all!
      bettie

    • #17329
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Nice to see the "guys" on the chat.
      Cully, it’s funny how much we have in common. I held and "sniffed" my daddys railroad cap today. Sad to say I can’t "smell" him anymore. Did they have the funny flower ones in Texas or is that a Chicago thing? We never had too much money as kids but we would ride to a special store, now closed, that carried those caps and overalls. The caps were 3.95 as i remember, and they were sized, i think his was 7 &3/4. The regrets of old age. I would give a year of my life to have one more day fishing with my dad, talking about the farm he grew up on and him telling war stories. He was in the Corps of Engineers, said he built bridges and blew them up.
      Happy 79th Birthday Daddy, I love you!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17330
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Nice to see you doing so well.  Im with you girl with the food, i never stop eating these days!  Have gained much weight and dont fit into much.  Ive been on a bad gambling binge last week.  Back here now trying to get back on board.  Life is so much better when we dont gamble. 
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17331
      bettie
      Peserta

      Good Morning Guys,
      Still feeling "ugly" from my procedure Friday. I should get results today. I am ticked off at my so called "friends" who were to check up on me and haven’t even bothered to call. It’s Tuesday. I have been having casino dreams again, strange how they pop up. This time I was bring everyone to the casino with me. Thats all I remember.
      Urges alway kick in when I feel let down. Oh well, I can’t control that just what I do about them.
      I’ve decited I really don’t like the life I have been living. I want a new life. I am the only one who controls that so I need to get off my butt and make some changes. Where to start, great question. Maybe I’ll stop at the book store today.
      I can never take my own advice so I’ll look for some experts advice. Who knows right? 
      No action = No change!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17332
      paul315
      Peserta

      Good morning Betty,
      logging on and seen your post of a few minutes ago, thought I would say hi
      as for changes in life, I found that working on recovery, change mine without me trying to do that part, recognizing the bat character traits and stopping them is what made the change.
      Keep working on what you are doing to not gamble and you will see change too.
      Larry

      "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.– 6/8/2010 11:13:55 AM: post edited by paul315.

    • #17333
      bettie
      Peserta

      Wow, What a game!
      Black Hawks win!!  Still sleepy from the excitement!
      Bonus, I got a rate reduction on my mortgage for the next 5 years. It will reduce my payment about $90 which will help.
      God is Good! I keep feeling like I never get a break but I got one for a change! And I am truely thankful.
      Now to work on that sales goal. I need good sales for about 5 days, ($100 in production) to meet my quartly goal and get some pressure off of me at the job. Everyone else has made their goal so I look like a real slob. It’s not for lack of effort but "luck". If you get the customer that walks in the door with a big deposit then you get the big credit. ( my boss got a walkin that got her a credit of almost $250 on Monday, and she is already at her goal! think she could have givin me that credit?? Ha Ha!)
      Trying to stay positive and keep that positive energy flowing. Glad not to be adding gambling debt to the mix!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17334
      bettie
      Peserta

      HI Guys,
      Suffering with a back strain, still going to work. Can’t afford to miss a day. Weeks vacation in two weeks. If i can get the car fixed i might take a little trip downstate to see family. I don’t want to be sitting around wishing I was at a casino because I’m home and bored.
      Glad to see u all on the chat, looks like Salina must have checked in. Vera, always glad to see u!
      Just checking in!
      peace
      bettie
      Almost forgot, my ex gambling buddy had a friend who was shot and murdered over a poker game. It was a group of folks who had played together for years. I guess she was up about $800 and wouldn’t rejoin the game to give the others a chance to "get even". She walked to the refrigerator to get a glass of ice and the other woman walked up behind her and shot her in the head.
      How sad!– 6/12/2010 11:36:50 AM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17335
      bettie
      Peserta

      Oh Boy,
      Where to start. I blew it. Over two months "clean", feeling good for the most part, and I still blew it.
      No excuses. Job stress, weight gain, feeling "cheated" at work, lonely. All the same story. What makes for a different ending?
      I called the phome number on the back of the players card that i held on to. It’s for the national gambling hotline. Compleatly useless! I asked how to ban from a tribal casino and the girl on the other end says, I wouldn’t know what to tell you except to call the casino. Why would they have that number on the card if they didn’t know how to help?
      I am discusted. My back hurts, I need a shower and I need to get ready for work.
      I really don’t like me at all.
      bettie

    • #17336
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Sorry to hear about your slip Bettie.  What makes for a different ending? You
      You have had two months clean and nothing can take that away.  You have practiced coping skills and bravely banned once already.  You are back here showing that you aren’t ready to give up.  I have faith in you Bettie and you can and will do it. 
      When you finish your shift tonight, come home and put an ice pack on your poor back for twenty minutes.  Let your back unthaw a bit and have a hot hot shower.  Try to move around a little bit so you don’t sieze.
      Try and be good to yourself Bettie, we shouldn’t kick ourselves when we are down.    One thing at a time, one moment at a time.
      Stay strong, love ya,
      Laura
       

    • #17337
      paul315
      Peserta

      Originally posted by bettie

      … Where to start. I blew it. … No excuses. …
      I really don’t like me at all.

      Good morning Betty,
      Where to start?  I will start with it is good that you immediately started to straighten things out after you gambled again; it is good that you are continuing your recovery program – "Recovery is progression not perfection." For now the only change is your clean date, not your clean time. You have the enjoyments from this period, plus the knowledge that you can live gambling free and ways that can help; two months is not the life time that we strive for, but, it should let you know that it can be done. You did not have this knowledge before you started, then you woke up wishing you were dead; now you only don’t like yourself — Self can be changed.
      In your prior post you told this story:
      "Almost forgot, my ex gambling buddy had a friend who was shot and murdered over a poker game. It was a group of folks who had played together for years. I guess she was up about $800 and wouldn’t rejoin the game to give the others a chance to "get even". She walked to the refrigerator to get a glass of ice and the other woman walked up behind her and shot her in the head.  How sad!"
      This can be seen as you being 2 Months ahead in your recovery and your addiction not liking it, wanting another chance; you turned your back and the addiction snuck up and shot you down. The lady in your story had no chance to recover, but you do; this can make for a different ending, the choice is yours. Or as GA states it,"CAN A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER EVER GAMBLE NORMALLY AGAIN? – No. The first bet to a problem gambler is like the first drink to an alcoholic. Sooner or later he or she falls back into the same old destructive pattern. Once a person has crossed the invisible line into irresponsible uncontrolled gambling he or she never seems to regain control. After abstaining a few months some of our members have tried some small bet experimentation, always with disastrous results. The old obsession inevitably returned. Our Gamblers Anonymous experience seems to point to these alternatives: to gamble, risking progressive deterioration or not to gamble, and develop a better way of life".
      Where to stop? A couple more thoughts and I will close.
      You have the knowledge to fight off urges, barriers in place, and the desire to stop; yet you gambled without any excuses or apparently any driving urge – you gambled for the Hell of it.  This sole reason was what brought me the closest  to gambling again then any urge or temptation; I just did not see any reason not to. However, before turning my back on my sobriety, I took the time to think things out. I found that although I could see any reasons not to gamble at the time in my dreamworld or suspended mind, I had even less reasons to; and that the results of the past would only be repeated.
      To use the words from a post by a Fellow Gambler, Stephen, "What has helped me tremendously in recovery is not allowing the addiction to let me blindly look at any positive, or perceived positive aspects of gambling…but to clearly look at the negative aspects of gambling. It’s not even debatable…the negative aspects of gambling far outweigh any possible positive aspects by a very wide margin". 
      You close with, "I really don’t like me at all"; if you gambled without any excuses, perhaps you also turned your back on the you that you can like; use this recovery time to work on changes in your life that will let you  like the real you.  Recovery is not just being gambling free, it is making change so that we can live. 
      God’s speed. Keep aware. Stay strong.
      Larry

      "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.– 6/16/2010 5:25:04 PM: post edited by paul315.

    • #17338
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Sorry to hear of your slip,  I understand after going down that road recently. I know this is a horrible feeling.  It eases up though, after a while your gamble free time will add up again and you will be back in the beautiful world of being gamble free.  I have beat myself up a lot for slipping, for me when i slip it isnt once but continuous days in a row i go on some sort of frenzy, each day i gambled again only got worse.  You are straight back here Bettie that is the great thing.  We learn a lot from our slips it teaches us something.  You are doing great Bettie.  2 months gamble free and a small bump in the road, and now you are back.  It’s ok, you will be ok.  Just keep coming here.
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17339
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Thanks for the wonderful advice and words of wisdom.p, larry, laura, I’m so glad I came home and read my thread. I am so P*SSED at myself I could just scream! Thanks to my barriers it wasn’t a major blow out putting my financial recovery in jeporardy, It’s my mental health I am concerned about most. I could have called someone, I just didn’t want to. The light in my head turned green and I was off and running.
      I drove up to the Valet and almost pulled out. I said to myself What are you doing here? My hand shook as I opened the door and I must have walked around for about 30 minutes before settling into the old pattern of getting a beer and sitting down. I listened to the other players talking about getting comped for a gas grill. I wondered how much she lost before being "given" that prize.
      I’ll give my cg mind a little credit.I looked and looked for info about excluding. Nothing. Not a poster, not a hand out nothing. I called the number on the players card that got me nowhere.
      I’m gonna relax. What is done is done. I’ll try the ice pack as the heat patch all day hasn’t done anything but it is improving.
      Thanks to you all for caring about me.
      bettie

    • #17340
      vera
      Peserta

      Oh Bettie! I am so sorry! You have achieved so much! Just blot it all out and move on…Your work stress, your back pain, weight, that dreadful shooting didn’t help…I know we find reasons and excuses to gamble, but recovery is not easy and we are all very vulnerable…Im praying that you’ll reach your work target…I finished my night duty and am off now until June 30th!!!! You wont believe my boss phoned me tonight, calling for overtime tomorrow. I NEED the money, but I refused the work. She thought she had misheard me, but I raised my voice and said NOT AVAILABLE….now I feel I let the hospital down…stinking thinking…AS IF it wouldn’t function without me.I NEED a break even more…I the past, I would have my two weeks off planned to a fine art and a host of lies to cover my tracks. Of course I would be off to the dungeons every day. Not this time! Not tomorrow. And I’ll say the same every day! by the way FWB back on the scene…texting me at the earl hours past few nights…even making plans for my holidays! VERY flattering! one day at a time on that one too……..you’ll be fine Bettie. Could you get a cert from your doc and ask for your deadlines to be deferred?…..you’re in my thoughts n prayers!…

    • #17341
      cully21
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie:
      I am sorry to hear about the slip but it is so glad you came right back here. Coming back is not an easy task at all. Been there, done that, and have several t-shirts to prove it. I remember you on chat the other day. I have done the same thing. I have got on group, brought up the urges, got good advice, and as you said, "the greenlight went on." For me, it seem like the more I learn and the more I utilize this site and community, the deeper the remorse is after a relapse or slip.
      How far is this casino you went too? You know about my history and how far I have travelled for the fix. All casinos I have been too the last year have been Indian casinos. I have never seeen a sign or advertisment for self banning. I have alwways had to ask security at the help desk But don’t take this as the protocul for each one. To ban from some that I have not banned yet require you to go to a seperate location, such as the individual tribal commission itself or the person who does it works normal day and week hours. The best thing if you plan to ban is to call ahead and find out what the procedure is and so you can plan it out.
      I am glad you are here. Two months is something to be very happy about.
      One of the best tool I have for my pain is a device called a TENZ unit. They work for some and not so much for others. Mine is an Empi brand which can be kind of expensive. You might find one on ebay or a home health supplier might rent them out after giving propper directions of how to use it. You dont want to put it directly over your spine, major arter, heart, and of course, your brain. It has sure saved me when I have taken meds to the max.
      It is good to seey you recovering. Look at your thread since you first came here and you coming right back here shows your tenacity to succeed.
      Your friend and brother in arms,
      Cully21

    • #17342
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Here here!
      Tenacity with a capital T!  Just checking in to see how you are feeling Bettie.  Hope that back eases up.  Be good to yourself.
      Laura

    • #17343
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Hey bettie!   So sorry you slipped, but that’s exactly what it was..a slip…you came back here, that’s the important thing.  Don’t do what I did last time and just give up.  Climb back up on that horse and continue on the trail girl!  Love ya!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17344
      bettie
      Peserta

      Good morning all,
      Wow, I sign in and say to myself, OMG they know! As a CG I’ve lied and covered up so much it’s strainge see my friends popping in and advising, not running away and turning their backs, I think thats one of my biggest fears, abandonment. This is not a judgement of you all, it is one of my deep seated problems comming to the surface. I am afraid to be truthful about being a CG, afraid I will loose what little family and friends I have. Face the fear, confront it, move on!
      Oh Vera, in another life my company would give me a pass, not any more! Make the goals or find another job. They feel they are on top with so many out of work they can find someone else to take my place. Our teller manager came back from 6 weeks off sick and was written up for not making her goal! ( And they tout that they are the best place in the world to work! I choke whenever I here that!) The fact that everyone else has made it doesn’t help. If I had the credit for the accounts that were "stolen" from me I would be there too. My manager has a chip on his shoulder when it comes to me so there is no recourse that won’t cost me my job. Fair? H*LL no but that is life. I can make myself crazy or I can suck it up and move on. The chance of finding another job is slim as in banking they pull your credit and since I screwed that up I’m stuck. For now.
      Larry and Cully make a good point. I was afraid to post my slip because I thought I lost my clean time. That is still mine, just as the $1000-$3000 I DIDN"T loose is still mine. I lost my clean date, and thats bad enough.
      Cully, I kept telling myself that the casino was too far away but in truth it’s about 1hour 15 minutes away. It seemed like about a 3 hour drive home! As for the back, I strain it about 2-3 times a year. I bulged a disk about 25 years ago so this happens fairly regularly. I should ring up the ciropractor as I got really good relief the last time I went. Guess what is holding me back? I weigh about 10 lbs more then the last time I saw him and I am embarassed! Is that stupid or what????
      Gotta run! Time for work!
      thanks again!
      bettie
       

    • #17345
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hey girl,
      thinking of you….just take it as a lesson and move forward, sitting and dwelling doesnt change what is, so let it go my friend.  I do hope your back is feeling better, and that you havent beaten yourself to a bloody pulp!!!
      Get to that chiropractor, so what if you have put on 10pd, you are paying him to fix your back, not talk about your weight, so just say that the service doesnt include ‘special comments’ and you would apprecieate him just doing what you are PAYING him to do.  That should shut him up…lol.
      Anyway, i must go to bed, work tomorrow.
      Talk soon, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #17346
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Thanks for the chat, I do feel a little better. Cully, I forgot u were on my first chat, it seems so long ago. Thats the day I mastered crying and typing at the same time!
      Please keep up the prayers, they are working. I’ve had good production at work and may have knocked down that goal to about $400. 8 days to go! i take the car to a new dealership to see if they can figure whats wrong Thursday. I would love to see my Nieces in a couple of weeks! Haven’t seen them in 2 years.
      Laura, thanks for checking in!
      Back is not 100% but it’s better, still should see Chiro. Thats a treat really, I love the massage! I always feel that judgement Kathryn, even if it’s only in my head. When u grow up "fat" u are told that that is the reason for everything that is wrong with you so instead of getting help we suffer in silence. Stupid i know but again, my insecurities hit the surface. And the funny part is the 5 minuits in my life that i was thin my life was falling apart! Go figure!
      Jules, I didn’t call u saturday to stop me because I didn’t want u to talk me out of it or tempt u to go! But I promise, next big urge and u are getting the call!
      peace
      bettie– 6/16/2010 3:34:07 AM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17347
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Promise you will call me the next time you have an urger like that!  And don’t worry about tempting me, my poor car couldnt make it 50 miles right now let alone 300!  Remember bettie, we are all here for each other friend.If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17348
      kwbwmom
      Peserta

      Bettie,
      Great meeting you on chat last night. I think we have the same sense of humor so future chats should be fun!  I hope your back starts to feel better!  Here’s to a great day!"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

    • #17349
      bettie
      Peserta

      Went to the chiro today. OUCH! The terrorist, oops! I mean therapist took her elbow and pressed on my sore hip until I almost punched her! She is partly deaf and I was face down and at her mercy. Unfortunately she had no mercy but told me to ice it or I would bruse and cuss her out in the morning. I got news for her, I was cussing her out already but she just couldn’t hear me!
      Thanks for the check in guys. I’m sitting on a lunch ice pack stuffed in an oven mitt. If I can raise an arm tomorrow I’ll check in! lol!
      bettie

    • #17350
      kwbwmom
      Peserta

      Ouch is right Bettie. I hope you feel better tomorrow. I’ve made it two days….. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

    • #17351
      vera
      Peserta

      was this torture free, or like gambling torture, VERY expensive!……

    • #17352
      bettie
      Peserta

      No Sweet Vera,
      As always I got to pay for the pleasure of being torchured! Like gambling, men. etc!
      I wonder about me sometimes! LOL!
      Kwb good u are out there posting!
      Chat soon!
      bettie

    • #17353
      vera
      Peserta

      got a bit of torture myself last night…not gambling…not chiro….guess what?….tell you the details in private chat..

    • #17354
      bettie
      Peserta

      WOULD LOVE TO HEAR THAT VERA!! Hummm, my guess? Starts with a F, ends with a b!
      u are a scream girl! love ya!
      bettie

    • #17355
      kwbwmom
      Peserta

      I think I am really going to enjoy getting to know the two of you…. such hoots! Is there really a private chat? How does that work?"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

    • #17356
      vera
      Peserta

      at the weekends there is unmoderated chat Kwb, and sometimes you check in and find just one person……also some people share e mail addresses….(I’m hogging your thread Bettie, but I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb!) We’re really two very respectable ladies Kwb…except for the CG bit!…

    • #17357
      bettie
      Peserta

      Help your self to my thread Vera! I just stood up to get the rest of the ice cream ( I’m never buying it again!!) and i could barely walk i am so stiff! I may never leave this chair so I need something to keep me entertained!
      love u!
      bettie– 6/17/2010 1:36:17 AM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17358
      vera
      Peserta

      just as well you’re not sitting on a casino stool Bettie! You’d take root…….I’m signing off now. Still in night duty mode…and sleeping half the day…went for a walk with a friend from work today and a meal, to the beach near “my” casino…she told me her housemate is gambling big time in that casino……made me feel sick to think of it. He s a nurse in the hospital we work in but I dont know him…he was on his way into the house when I was collecting her today and he stared at me. She had told him about me and my recovery…she told me he locked himself in his room for 2 days after losing a month’s salary…she thought that was funny! The poor guy could have been dead! Poor public awareness of this problem!…I’m praying youll meet your deadlines at work Bettie…….

    • #17359
      kwbwmom
      Peserta

      Originally posted by vera

      We’re really two very respectable ladies Kwb…except for the CG bit!…
      Hope I did not offend.."Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

    • #17360
      vera
      Peserta

      no offence Kwb!…….nothing in this site offends me. We are all in this together. My response was written “tongue in cheek”. I hope you enjoy our company and that this forum will lead to lots of laughs and tears…great healing in both…I really have to put my head down. Its almost 3.30 am!….another g-free day has come to an end!…

    • #17361
      bettie
      Peserta

      Kwb, Vera, lol!
      I got up a 4am to take a pill. I should be in bed but didn’t want to take a pill and lay down. Back is stiff but i am moving. Chrio always makes it worse before it is better. I go back for more torture today but nothing has worked so far so I have to give it a go. It has done wonders in the past.
      Oh well, it kills the urge too so thats helps!
      bettie

    • #17362
      female g
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie sorry the back is such a tough pain to work through, been there and done that. As i recall the pain was worse than Labour so I hope you are taking muscle relaxants to help.  That comes from someone who hates meds but i made the exception then believe you me i would not have been able to exist without them.  Thanks for poking in on me too, Really appreciate it. Maybe this weekend there will be time to catch up on chatG

    • #17363
      bettie
      Peserta

      Car still in the shop, they didn’t even look at it today! Why did I have to be there at 11:00 am? I went back to my PT job then had to take two busses to get home. Waited 1 hour for the 2nd bus! My back was screaming! My so call "friend" couldn’t be bothered picking me up. That B*st*rd! I remember picking him up on my lunch hour and bringing him food to boot! How stupid am I??????
      My girlfriend did pick me up from home and we went to dinner. Went to my brothers and picked up my old realible 1997 saturn, 170,000, miles, no major repairs, that he uses as a work car. Daughter came over and we went for a swim. AHHHHH! The water was warm and felt good!
      Back is setteling down, Thank u God!
      Gonna get to bed early. Tomorrow is another day!
      bettie  (aka Scarlet O’Harra)

    • #17364
      bettie
      Peserta

      They are ordering a part for the car, I did get to pick it up so I am not stranded.
      Back is getting better but I have a pain in the butt, really! My right cheek hurts. I think the therapist did that!
      Kittys upset, storming outside.
      Bed soon!
      Hope to catch u all on the chat.
      bettie

    • #17365
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      Chatted a little, good to see old and new friends.
      Treated my friend to the movies tonight. $20 bucks, a nice treat and a drop in the bucket compaired to what gambling costs.
      Felt good to be able to treat someone for no reason except that I wanted to!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17366
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi guys.
      Happy Fathers Day gentlemen! Hope u all had a good day. I took my brother out to lunch with his daughter then came back and went for a swim.
      Had to drive to indianna to buy smokes, $35 dollars less a carton there. Weird to drive that way, buy some cheaper gas, .30 per gallon, and head home. Will i ever get used to that?
      I am closing in on that sales goal, 5 days to go. Prayers apreaceated on that front.
      Waiting to see if anyone checks in on the chat, making chicken soup, then off to bed.
      One week until vacation and I can’t wait. May not get to go anywhere but time away from the job is priceless!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17367
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie was nice to see you on chat.  You always give me a giggle somehow.  Look forward to seeing you again soon hey!
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17368
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Glad to have caught a little of the chat. PC troubles! Got to get this fixed.
      Stupid Asst manager tells me not to wait so long to get to my goal next quarter. I said you’re kidding right?
      I didn’t get the one big deal that got her to the goal(credit to her, 800, her goal, 1600. my goal 2000, I’m at 1650, without any big deal to help me out). I told her i did like 20 loan applications with only 2 getting approved, it’s not like i haven’t been trying! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!UGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      Phew, thats out. I feel better!
      Wish i could workout. up another 2 lbs! My back is better but my butt still hurts! See chrio again tomorrow, anotjer $30 bucks but what can u do?
      No desire to gamble. Thats nice. I will enjoy the honeymoon while it lasts. I offically quit pt job today. Not enough hours for too little pay. Need to sell on ebay or get another pt job. I have been working 6 days a week for over a year. I don’t want all that "drive to the casino" time. Maybe I can find a daytime ga class.
      peace
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17369
      ddsroad
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      Sounds like things are frustrating for you.  Way to hang in there with the gambling.  You have done a fantastic job so just keep it going.  I’ve been on the go lately, but keeping strong, so all is good!  You are doing a great job!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

    • #17370
      bettie
      Peserta

      "Jose Cuervo", you are not a friend of mine!
      Tequila=Head ache
      Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Gotta go to work!
       

    • #17371
      kwbwmom
      Peserta

      Ouch Bettie.. haven’t had one of those hangovers in a long time… Tequila.. we call it the killa!"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

    • #17372
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      Made it through the day, not too bad once I ate and got rid of the spinning feeling. My friend stoped by, I haven’t seen him in a few weeks,I guess I just needed to blow off steam, I am worried about that goal. I am close, the stars need to line up as each added feature adds to the payout. I am shout about $300 now but I will be closing a loan Friday and if I can get him to open a little savings and take a credit card it will be about a $150 credit. SO CLOSE! Prayers are Working. Thank u God!
      Hope to be on the chat.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17373
      p
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie
      Glad things are going better for you.  glad you are not gambling. 
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17374
      bettie
      Peserta

      Getting closer, two days to go. I think I need about $200 now!Good to see u guy on chat. Nice to see every one rally around a "nubee" esp. if they are lost or seem in crisis.
      P, glad u are not gambling either! Off next week, Desperate to get out of town, need to have time structured so I don’t succumb to temptation.although I am not having urges I want to be prepared!
      Prayer is working! Now if i could pray my hip to be better……..
      peace
      bettie

    • #17375
      bettie
      Peserta

      Good Morning,
      Interesting chat this morning. Wish I stayed in bed.
      I don’t know why the subject of GA is such a sore one for me. I have found my friend who is in aa so judgemental that i have not spoken to her since May, and don’t really care if i see her again or not.
      I see a lot of similarites between that program and GA. That whole "thats an excuse" thing really buggs me. You asked a question, i gave an answer. Period. I hate being made to feel like I have to defend myself. As for someone to say you haven’t hit rock bottom, well that is different for everyone.
      My story is here, feel free to think what ever u want. I said I wasn’t mad but I am such a people pleaser I didn’t want to admit it. I am, but I will get over it.
      peace
      bettie– 6/24/2010 10:36:27 AM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17376
      vera
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie!
      Sometimes we can be rubbed up the wrong way in chat. Especially since we don’t know each others’ full story. Let it go! Better chat next time! GA is not for everyone! In my (very limited experience) men get more out of it than women! (What’s new? lol)
      Just keep focussing on that work target. Then you’ll be free to enjoy your vacation!

    • #17377
      kwbwmom
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      Sounds like it was an interesting chat if nothing else. Not trying to make light of what happened. I wasn’t there so I can’t really comment. In the short time I"ve "known " you, I can not imagine you saying anything to upset anyone and I am truly sorry you were made to feel the way you are right now.
      I have to agree with you that GA is not for me. It’s great that it works for others, but it’s not my gig either. Nothing wrong with that. We all find our own way of healing. I would certainly hope that because I choose to not participate in that program I will not be judged. Don’t we do that enough to ourselves on our own?
      Hang in there!
       "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

    • #17378
      paul315
      Peserta

      Originally posted by bettie

      Good Morning,
      Interesting chat this morning. Wish I stayed in bed. …
      … My story is here, feel free to think what ever u want. …
                      
      Originally posted by vera

      Hi Bettie! Sometimes we can be rubbed up the wrong way in chat. …
      Good afternoon Betty,
      Without knowing the history of this morning’s chat I still feel like commenting on what I can gather from reading between the lines in your post and the reply of Vera.
      First, I would like to thank your for your story and the openness and honestly that you show in sharing it. I think that you have captured the intent and spirit of GT;  their effort in offering a service to us who are adversely affected by gambling. A service that provides an outlet where we can talk about the lives we led, the life we are leading now, the one we want for the future, and how we plan to get there.  You are using this service to the fullest; and even more so by providing help and inspiration for others. That is what I think.
      The two remarks quoted above remind me of a couple of my post;  one where I basically apologized in advance for being open and even controversial in my post and in telling my story. I have also mentioned from time to time that my replies and remarks in the Groups are addressed to me as well as the recipient. My main purpose here is to help me stay gambling free and to improve my life for the better; I do not intend to hurt or disagree with anyone in my efforts, but I can not control other’s perception or reactions, nor can I just not participate because of disagreements — I need this interchange to broaden my outlook and strengthen my resolve. 
      I also found myself where I felt I was wrong in some remarks, for this I followed the principles of my recovery, and the guidance from my heart, and took fast action to make the amends that I felt were required.  But, like you telling us to think what we want, I can not regulate and fashion my actions around all others and how they may perceive me; I can only react to my mistakes in making any amends.
      My recovery and my actions are build around the principles and the Steps Program of GA; even the advice I give and the suggestions I offer to others are based mainly on these principles. However, although I recommend GA, I do try to make it clear that there are other means and programs to follow, that I am only suggesting ways that GA and other providers prescribe, ways that are proven to work in my life and in others who follow their chosen recovery paths.  I guess I am trying to say your thoughts and affiliations with or without GA makes no difference. It is your recovery that counts.
      Again, I am only reading between lines, but my reply to what is only my limited findings, is also addressed to me and is intended to help me in my recovery in addition to any good you or others might get from it.
      God’s speed. Stay Strong. Keep aware. Be true to yourself. Keep participating in the Forums and in the Chats.
      Larry

      "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.– 6/24/2010 7:08:50 PM: post edited by paul315.

    • #17379
      bettie
      Peserta

      Thanks for the support Vera and Kw,
      Today was destined to stink I guess. My borrowed car didn’t start, called daughter to get her car. Neighbor jumped the car and I got it back to my brothers houes. Took daughter to the train, got a late start, had a ton of stuff to do. Got home and daughters car has a flat!
      Neighbor changed flat but spair is low! Off to get air, go to chiro, go to pick up meds for daughter, go home so my nieces husband can fix my wireless connection, pick up daughter from the train and hopefully pick my car up!
      Just got a fedex package for the loan modification. They want $600 to do this. I don’t have it.
      I am ready to throw in the towel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

    • #17380
      lost 4now
      Peserta

      Stay Strong….Looking for peace…

    • #17381
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Dont worry about it you are doing great.  It is different for each one of us here.  Whatever works for you best, you are gamble free right now so you are doing awesome.  Not everyone fits the same mould and what works for some may not work for others, i am sure the intentions of others were purely to help you though. 
      Sometimes it is hard for people to percieve or understand things when it is chat.  I think you are doing great.  Everyone here just tries to help each other.  We are bound to bump into different opinions, but let them be just that different opinions. 
      You do what is right for you that will aid your recovery the best.  For now you are not gambling so i am assuming you are doing something right.  See you soon Bettie.
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17382
      bettie
      Peserta

      Larry, I was so blinded with rage over my day from H*LL i missed your post and your well thought out wisdom. You are always right on the mark!
      P, Lost, thanks for chiming in! I love you all!
      Car from H*LL, Part 2
      So after the fedex meltdown i get into my dauhters cars and……wait for it……THE SPARE WAS FLAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      My neighbor, my sweet neighbor who I haved live across the balcony from for over 10 years and i only know him by his first name , leans over and throws me his keys! The insureance card in in the glove box, the tank is full, keep it as long as u need it! I barely know him and he gave me a jump, changed a tire, and gave me his car, no questions asked!
      What an angel!
      So i get to the chiro late, get yet another massage therapist who tells me my back is so tight she can hardly move a mussle on me, I told her don’t ask!
      Dropped off tire to get patched.
      I drive to the dr for my daughter to pick up rx for her, stop at the car wash and clean the neighbors car as I knew he would not take any $$ from me. Got a call from tire place, can’t fix tire, hole in the sidewall! Call daughter to see if she has road hazzard coverage on the tires, they are new. She doesn’t know! Have to call her dad, he bought them, he doesn’t know. Want to shoot myself but i don’t own a gun! LOL!
      No Insurance, daughter wants leaking tire put back on car so she can drive it. NO! You will be stranded with no spare so I have her poor dad drive around, get a tire, bring it here, take rim, have tire mounted.
      In the mean time…..My car is ready, neighbor takes me in his nice clean car to pick mine up. Yet another favor from him today!
      Picked up my car, picked up daughter from the train, took her home to let the dogs out, picked up her boyfriend, met up with my brother, niece ,her husband and new baby,had dinner. EX husband picked up tire and met us at the restruant.
      Came home, wireless fixed (YEA!!) Tire on the car, daughter on her way, ex just left. Still need to do paperwork from the PT job so I can get in bed and CRASH!
      What a day! And no, i didn’t make it to GA tonight. Maybe this will qualify as a "reason" for not going instead of an "excuse".
      Tomorrow, is another day!
      peace
      Bettie  aka Scarlett O’Hara
       

    • #17383
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Hang in there Scarlett!  Yes, tomorrow is another day and it will probably be the same crap as yesterday but we can handle it!  Love Ya!  Jules  If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17384
      bettie
      Peserta

      i think i can, i think i can……
      I Think I did! Looks like I made it! Thanks for the prayers and support! The goal should be done but won’t know for sure as they try to disqualify as much as the can to avoid paying out any bonus but I should be ok. Hope tp pickup a couple of accounts tomorrow for some wiggle room but I’ve done the best that I could.
      The loan modification is ok too! The letter asking for $$ was done before they has givin me credit for my payments so there is no money due. Thank You Jesus!
      I think the car is better too!
      Yes, today was a better day! Thanks for letting me vent!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17385
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Woo Hoo!!!  Way to go girl!!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17386
      p
      Peserta

      Yey Bettie
      You sound happy.  Hope to see you on chat. Glad things are looking up for you.
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17387
      bettie
      Peserta

      Good Morning!
      1st day off, up at 6am, why am I up?
      Got on the scale, ok, this stops today! What happened to taking care of myself? One step at a time I guess but I need to make foward steps, not backward!
      Happy that the goal should be ok, just have to let go and let God. I’ve pushed and shoved and done the best I could.
      As long as this works out i should be off my probation and be able to apply for other jobs within the company. Again, i will have a hard time getting another job outside the company due to the credit issues I created with my gambling.I am grateful I have a job and with little choice I have to make the best of it. My assistant manager mentioned how hard next week will be for her. I rememded her again that I have the same problems when she is off, as our manager doesn’t schedule any coverage and I have had to work many days as the only banker in her absence.
      Graduation party today. Hope the weather holds, stormy again.
      Gonna try a little chat.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17388
      paul315
      Peserta

      Originally posted by bettie
      … My assistant manager mentioned how hard next week will be for her …

      Good morning Bettie,
      When you co-worker mentions how hard it is for her when you are off, and not how hard it is for both of you working without backup, she is really recognizing how you can overcome and that she has trouble. She might even be asking for help as to how you do it.
      As long as you continue with your good work and showing your abilities, your probation will end, you will be enjoying your own Independence Day.
      The same holds true with your recovery. Stay strong.
      God’s speed.Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

    • #17389
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Did you mention scales??? hehee oh Bettie, i weighed myself today too, i dont own any scales so waited till i was somewhere that had them and let me tell you, i wish i had not stepped on them. Got a big shock, but its no wonder food seems to be the new addiction for me.  Hoping it will settle or i will have nothing to wear. 
      Glad about your work and you reaching that goal for the month too.  You are doing great on the gambling front girl be proud of yourself
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17390
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi P, Jules, Larry and all my gt friends!
      I am tired, busy day. Went to my ex husbands son gradutation party. Took my mom and daughter. Lots of driving. Sad to say car is better but not cured. I have to take the car back to the place I took it last year for front end work. I forgot what they did but My brother heard the car today and stopped me to say that yes, those front end parts were bad again. This is my fault. I nailed a curb hard, so hard that people in the building came out to see the "crash".
      Driving like a girl I’m afraid! My bad!
      Having urges today. Something about driving to pick up my mom, seeing casino signs, knowing that i was not going anyway, but still had the thought.
      I am afraid my assistants comments were less about my work talents amd more about her not wanting to work by herself, but just maybe it’s because I’m so wonderful. I’ll go with your Judgement Larry, always better than mine!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17391
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Just checking in. Going to the Taste of Chicago. I hope it is better than the last time I went. That was 20 years ago with 2 crabby kids in tow so It should be fun.
      Miss P, U out there??
      peace
      bettie

    • #17392
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      I am out here girl and i am sure glad you are out there.  Thanks for your support Bettie.  I hope you have a fantastic time in Chicago.  Hey i am starting a health plan today Bettie, a plan to lose those kilos hehe, we will see i guess, for now trying to stay gamble free is enough for me.  Have a great time Bettie want to hear all about it
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17393
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Had a great time at "the Taste". Hated all the walking, my legs are killing me. Ate too much expensive food, but it was all good, esp. the frozen cheese cake dipped in dark chocolate! Too good for words but I do believe I walked it off.
      So the concert was fantastic! Los Lonely Boys ( how far is Heaven, was their hit song a few years back) did the warm up. Los Lobos was rocking but the big suprise was at the oncore. The two bands got on stage and were joined by ROBERT PLANT, of Led Zepplin fame, fyi! Wow, a rock legend right in front of me! They did "Treat her Right’ then led into a little medley of Led Zepplin songs. what a blast! As we were walking back to the train we walked past a Lincoln Contental with a British driver, I told my daughter what do you want to bet Robert Plant is in the back seat. Sure enough, there he was! I waived to him.
      Need to get out more, that was fun!
      Gotta get some sleep!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17394
      noonie
      Peserta

      Originally posted by bettie

      Hi Guys,
      Had a great time at "the Taste". Hated all the walking, my legs are killing me. Ate too much expensive food, but it was all good, esp. the frozen cheese cake dipped in dark chocolate! Too good for words but I do believe I walked it off.
      So the concert was fantastic! Los Lonely Boys ( how far is Heaven, was their hit song a few years back) did the warm up. Los Lobos was rocking but the big suprise was at the oncore. The two bands got on stage and were joined by ROBERT PLANT, of Led Zepplin fame, fyi! Wow, a rock legend right in front of me! They did "Treat her Right’ then led into a little medley of Led Zepplin songs. what a blast! As we were walking back to the train we walked past a Lincoln Contental with a British driver, I told my daughter what do you want to bet Robert Plant is in the back seat. Sure enough, there he was! I waived to him.
      Need to get out more, that was fun!
      Gotta get some sleep!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17395
      noonie
      Peserta

      Bettie we have all had those moments of despair when we really screw up. It’s great you are doing better. It takes extra effort to stay away from the casinos and gambling. I noted one thing. You talk about the great food and all on your trip to the graduation, but you dont’ mention if you gambled. Maybe I missed it. I feel things are somewhat better financially, or you would not have money for that trip. I pray things continue for the best and keep pushing even if we slip. Take care, Noonie

    • #17396
      hockey
      Peserta

      We all  need to get out more and have more fun! Sounds like a brilliant night.

    • #17397
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie,
      Wow, what a fantastic night, sure beats sitting in those stinking venues…you didnt say if Robert waved back!!!  Oh, and the cheesecake made my mouth water!
      Sounds like an amazing time, something to always remember, good on you Bettie, its about time you got out there and had some fun girl!!!
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #17398
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Yes Kathryn, Robert waved and stuck his head out of the window. He shouted "Hey babe, need a lift??"
      Yea right! LOL! I couldn’t tell if he waived or not, side windows tinted and I spotted him through the windshield.
      Had a busy day got some cleaning done, never gets finished. My daughter has been bugging me about cutting off all, and I mean All her hair! So what the heck, I cut it like the singer Reanna. Shaved up the back with long bangs in her eyes. It’s cute but quite a shocker. She has been dying it black for about 11 years and wants to go back to her natural ash blonde. Black is impossible to remove so with the short cut ( it was way past her shoulders) we will try to strip it and dye it closer to her natural shade.
      Have a great night!
      Bettie

    • #17399
      bettie
      Peserta

      Going to bed, wishing i was dead.
      What a sad thought. Idle hands are the devils workshop. I f’*ed up, badly! I went out and gambled. I have no excuse except that maybe i have a death wish. Made it home safely, sick, head hurts. This is what gambling has become for me. A drain on my life, my soul, my being. i am sick and tired of  this cr*p! WHAT THE H*LL IS WRONG WITH ME?
      All i want is to be happy. I don’t need to be rich. I just need enough to get by.
      So what caused this mess??
      1. Saw my "friend". He leaves me feeling empty.
      2. Upset about the car. It is now a 4yr old money pit. i could have made another repair with the money I wasted.
      3. I hate my life. i hate that I have no one special to share it with.
      4. I am alone.
      5. I feel worthless. I have no purpose in my life.
      Bottom line, I caused this mess, me, no one else. I take your advice and throw it in the trash. i must love being misserable.
      The only reason I didn’t crash my car was the thought of hurting someone else. This is really sick.
      bettie

    • #17400
      p
      Peserta

      Bettie it is ok, You will be ok just keep coming back here and dont give up.  A lot of us have slipped.  Come and chat if you are around
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17401
      hockey
      Peserta

      Bettie,
      Like P said, it’s OK. When ‘life lets you down’ gambling always seems to be there to ‘soothe the pain’. I hope to see you around the site soon.

    • #17402
      paul315
      Peserta

      Originally posted by bettie
      … I went out and gambled …

      Good evening Bettie,
      Reading your post caused be to think back when I went out and gambled.  There were two phases in my gambling life that came to mind. One was when I could go out on a planned trip for entertainment at casinos or even a spur of the moment night out for relaxation or even relief from some stressful event or empty feeling, or just not to be alone.  I would go to socialize with some friends or just to be with others for a while. It was a time where I enjoyed the excitement of this strange atmosphere.  However that phase ended and turned into a Hellish nightmare; this Hell was my other phase where I was no longer going for the entertainment of social connection, or the relief in just getting away for a while. I had crossed the invisible line into irresponsible uncontrolled gambling. After crossing over this line turning me into a compulsive gambler, there was no going back; there is no going back, not for me, for you, or any other CG.
      I now went to feed an addiction, not for entertainment; in fact when I tried to include the entertainment that a casino offered during these times I just found myself leaving it early and heading for the machines, not giving any thought to an event that in the past would be my only reason for being there. I now went secretively so as not to have my gambling interrupted by friends; I now separated myself from all conversation or acknowledgement of anyone near me — I became rude and made myself obnoxious just to be alone with my addiction. I was not drawn by the hypnotic lights, bells, and noises; it was no longer an attraction but rather an obsession.  I had lost control of my life, I was now controlled by one of the most baffling, insidious, compulsive addictions that haunts mankind.
      You say that you gambled this time because you felt empty; you were upset; you hated your life; and that you have no one special to share it with, that you are alone and feel worthless without purpose. these were the same things that I was doing after I lost my ability to enjoy life, the same excuses for me to continue to throw my life away. When you gambled this time did you feel fulfilled, were you no longer upset, did you find a special person to share your life with and give you a feeling of purpose? Or did you return home with the same feelings.
      When I finely had enough and accepted that I could not gamble or even try to experiment on occasion with small bets, when I understood that these "lapses" or "slips" (my return to gambling) had and would always end with disastrous and devastating results reigniting old desires and providing for the inevitably return to my obsession, I stopped gambling for everything and I began to find and enjoy a better life and no longer doubted my usefulness or purpose.  You can do the same, you are not useless or even trying to fulfil a death wish.  You may go to bed and wake up with what you describe as a death wish (a feeling the is actually a characteristic of a CG; a desire to loose to punish oneself), but you go on; you live, maybe not the better life that being gambling free offers yet, but you do strive forward and think about a future, the welfare and safety of others, and about the lives of your fellow gamblers (perhaps a purpose). 
      When you have had enough, when you truly accept the fact and truth that running away from your problems or fears by gambling will not help or give relief, you too can find and enjoy what you are searching for; you can be happy, with or with out richness, with or without enough to get by on. But it will only be found by continuously not gambling for anything while diligently working on recovery, a process that will cause change, including a change in the desire to punish.
      God’ speed. Stay strong. Be honest, openminded, and willing.Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

    • #17403
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      This is copied from Larrys post:
      "You say that you gambled this time because you felt empty; you were upset; you hated your life; and that you have no one special to share it with, that you are alone and feel worthless without purpose. these were the same things that I was doing after I lost my ability to enjoy life, the same excuses for me to continue to throw my life away. When you gambled this time did you feel fulfilled, were you no longer upset, did you find a special person to share your life with and give you a feeling of purpose? Or did you return home with the same feelings."
      To answer Larrys question, not only did I return home with the same feelings, I came home feeling 10x worse. The only person I found to share my life with was the bartender and waitresses who enjoyed the $1 tip for each beer they brought.
      I notice a trend in my posts. Life passes day by day. Every time I have success I seem to sabotage myself. Self destructive, like I don’t deserve any happiness. Root causes I guess. I can get help but don’t move to do it. I’m not stupid. Help is a phone call away. But as much as I say on this forum, I am a compulsive gambler, maybe saying it to a total strainger makes it too real. Maybe it’s the truth that I am still hiding from and didn’t ever realize it.
      P, Hockey, thanks for posting.
      I went to see Jules today. What a sweetheart! We talked for hours like we were old pals and had known each other for ages. Funny, in reality I have few people in my life who I can call true friends, I have always had a hard time making friends, like I don’t really fit in. Maybe thats why I always loved "Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer." I have felt like a misfit toy my whole life. She said something to me too that I found amazing. She said I was very well liked on the GT forum. That made me feel like as mundane and screwed up my life is, theres still hope for me. Thank you Jules! Our little visit meant more to me than u can ever know.
      Not really feeling up to it but I’m gonna check the chat, tail between my legs!
      Thank you all for your support!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17404
      gloria m
      Peserta

      Bettie keep coming back because your life is so worth it.  I really enjoyed meeting you in the open chat tonight.  Don’t beat yourself up so much.  It isn’t always easy but it is always worth it.Winning a jackpot will never be life changing, but gambling compulsively is for me.

    • #17405
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie was glad to see you in chat again.  I understand how you feel and it is hard coming back here and saying you slipped but the good thing is you did, some people dont come back after they slip.  Some people get it straight away, some people dont.  I am one who has stumbled along the way but i am constantly trying.  Try to learn from your last slip they usually teach us a lot or that is what i have found anyway.  We can do this Bettie, glad you came straight back
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17406
      bettie
      Peserta

      A new day, a new dawn. with it comes the hope for a new day. Trying to keep busy. My brother called, he wants to recheck the assestment of the mechanic. I think they are screwing me around and recomending work that isn’t needed.
      I have such a good brother.
      So many good things in life that i let depression (?) take away from me. Not today. Today I will look around at all I take for granted. Today I will tell my head to shut up and just listen to my heart.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17407
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      Oh my love, my heart pained at your posts.  Try and think of this addiction as a seperate person, oh it loves us to be sad and lonely, miserable and depressed.  It whispers in your ear, ‘gamble, and you will feel better’, knowing full well you will leave feeling lower than you ever thought you could.  When it starts to whisper again, remember how you feel now, and dont let those words lure you back.
      You are a wonderful person, you have a fantastic sense of humour (im still saving the wax for your candle, nearly there, just a few more ears!) You dont give yourself enough credit.  This addiction makes us feel worthless, when the truth is that we are not, we just need to find the strength to block our ears (more wax for me!!)  I always believed that if we were told something often enough we start to believe it.  This is the addictions motto…tell us we are nothing and we will feel we are nothing, we deserve nothing.  ITS A LOAD OF CRAP!!!  We deserve to be happy, we deserve to have a great life, and it can be done….dont listen to that voice. 
      You are a valued member of this community, with so many who respect you and truly enjoy your company (me included)
      Well done for coming back and journalling, its so easy not to…but you did and that speaks volumes my friend.
      Take care of you, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #17408
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      "Another saturday night and i ain’t got no body". What  a silly song. Went to the fireworks with my brother and his daughter, It was very nice. More tomorrow. Decited to throw a last minute get together tomorrow, Invited my mom but she won’t come. Seems she talked to my daughter sometime today about my sister not including her in her plans. I heard her tell my sister, "well, she must have talked to Jennie and i am NOT GOING!"
      I haven’t spoken to my daughter at all today. Mom wants me to beg her to come over as she has already made up her mind about what took place. I avoid even talking to my Mom because of stuff like this. I know where my negatitavity comes from. My sister is at her breaking point however she was very Wrong not including mom with what she was doing.
      The family dynamic is so hard. My gosh we are so disfunctional! I guess it’s always been this way but I have been escaping from it for years by gambling. I need to face this one head on. My mom is unstable. I can’t make her a better
      mom. I can be a better daughter. I should have realized that  she would spend the holiday alone because my sister would not include her in her plans. I had no plans until an hour ago and I did include her but somehow I am now the bad guy!
      I’ll have my brother call her after she gets home from Church tomorrow. I know she will be carrying on at her Church how awful her children are. My brother used to have a sticker on his fridge, "The more U complain the longer God lets U live."
      My Mom will live to 100, no problem!
      I really did want to gamble today, which makes no cense to me. I really distroyed the "credit backup" I had made for myself in case of emergency. I cash advanced the only credit cards I have. ( I did stop carring them but found them in my purse because I had taken them with to the car repair shop and forgot to take them out, BIG DUMMY ME!)Next barrier, cut off all cash advance. It was not much, 300 one card 200 another, but now i have to pay that back.
      I wanted to address the new banking laws going into effect in the US on AUG 15th. The banks are trying despertly to get u to "opt in". DON"T FALL FOR IT! They are seeking out accounts that are overdrawn alot and even calling these customers to have them "opt in" so they can continue to charge up to $280 daily in overdraft fees plus additional daily fees after a few days. You don’t have to do anything. BY LAW, you will be automaticly opted OUT on AUg 15, just don’t let them trick you. THEY REALLY DON"T WANT TO LOOSE THE FEES U PAY THEM> I KNOW THIS FIRST HAND!
      Some good news, I just got a call from my "friend’. He said you didn’t sound too good when I talked to you Thursday ( I called him crying on the phone when I left the casino). He just wanted to know how I was. Now you might be thinking "big deal". Well for him, it is!
      My brother thinks the brakes are good for at least another 20-30,000 miles. He also rotated my tires and the "SHAKE" in the front seems better. Mind you, the shop was trying to get me for over $1000 in repairs. He is ordering tune up parts, trying to figure out why it runs rough (misses) under a load but stops when you back off the gas. (OH yea, you may not know I am a hairdresser and tomboy! lol!)
      Well, I had my lazy day of rest and need to get up and pick up this mess for tomorrow.
      Thanks for being my friends!
      ps K, you’re getting as smart as Larry!
      kisses!
      bettie
       

    • #17409
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Hiya Bettie:  Sorry I missed you on chat.  Sorry also to hear that you were feeling bad after a recent slip.  Glad to see that you are turning things around with a little Independence Day celebration.  Happy 4th of July to you and all my American friends :)!!!
      Take it easy on yourself and take the time to dig a little deeper into why you’re trying to fill the void with gambling.  It’s a trying journey, but one in which we could get to know ourselves and our dreams a little bit better.
      Love,
      RGMay you be safe and happy.  May you be peaceful.

    • #17410
      ddsroad
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      A little late, but sorry to hear about the slip!  I know how you feel afterwards!  You think it is such a good idea at the time and are guaranteed to feel the way you did after the fact.  I’m glad you are back on the wagon.  You are an awesome person.  You should post a list of all of the good things about yourself!  You have a lot going for you, so, girl, you write down a good solid of list of the Bettie plusses.  Focus on the good and anything else, tell yourself you are going to deal with it a little bit at a time.  Then the good and the bad are all good because you are moving forward!  Hang in there.  You have really been doing great!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

    • #17411
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      Thanks for the posts!
      Got up early to get a start in here. Need to sign off the pc and get off my butt and get moving. Glad I planed a little something for today. I am off tomorrow and that leads to temptation. You wouldn’t think so but "it’s" here this morning, nagging me with the "just 100" thing. UGH!
      Well, can’t happen anyway so it will go away soon enough.
      Hope to catch some chat latter.
      Happy 4th of July!
      bettie

    • #17412
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Happy 4th of July Bettie!  Sorry I was not up to speed on chat last night, was rather dopey and had not read your thread for a few days.  It’s great that you and Jules have been able to strike up a deeper support with one another.  We do need people in our lives that understand us.  That know we are not bad people intentionally making wrong choices for the sake of it. 
      We did not become who we are in a day nor will we change who we are in a day.  And bottom line, we are the only people that we can change.  No one else.   Slowly I am learning to be the centre of my universe.  That may sound strange!  But I was always so worried about external things and people in a way.  Now I am worrying about me.  Being happy in me, on my own, and we’ll just see how the rest of the world fits into Laura’s universe!  Hubby included!
      So strengthen those barriers, know that you are truly loved here.  Glad to see you pick yourself right back up. 
      Enjoy your celebrations!
      Laura

    • #17413
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Hey Laura, i have been lazy about reading posts myself so don’t worry.
      Had a nice little cook out. We swam for about an hour too. Water is just right, cool and refreshing.
      Guess what I did?? Back to day 1! No , not gambling, I THREW OUT MY BACK PETTING THE CAT!!
      the little stinker was rolling on the floor looking for a belly rub while I was sitting on the toilet, ( I live alone and don’t shut the door ). I reached over and BAM! Ouch, Ouch, OUCH!
      So i had to continue to get ready for guests in pain.
      I do believe this is the work of God Almighty. He wanted to kick me in the butt but due to my "compromised" position he could only reach my back! Guess thats one way to keep me out of the casino! I could not possibly sit in the car for 1&1/2 hours! Still having urges and could have snuck away but I got painfull devine intervention instead!
      Thanks again for all your support.
      bettie

    • #17414
      Anonim
      Tamu

      See Scarlet, that will teach you to have those urges!!  LOL….God truly does work in mysterios ways!  I actually got a visual of that one…lol….you crack me up!  Glad you enjoyed your holiday…I worked all day, then napped.  I really need to post instead of just coming here and reading.  Talk to you soon..love ya!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17415
      bettie
      Peserta

      LOL Jules.
      Yea, u poor thing~ Now that we have met i am sure you got a real funny visual! But you did see just how cute mr jingles is and how something so stupid could happen!
      Oh well, just had another pill and I am off to bed. Did make it to more fireworks, they sure were nice!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17416
      bettie
      Peserta

      hI gUYS,
      I called my cousin and planned the day early. One way to ward off the urge to gamble. These stupid slips are like taking that first drink or first smoke after not doing it for a while, you just want to do it again, even tho it gave me a headake and made me sick!
      My daughter came over for a little swim. When I went to buzz the door to let her in it got stuck, she yanked on it and the plate glass shattered! It is still in tact so she didn’t get hurt, Thank God, but I had to call for a boardup. Hope they come soon! The next time the door shuts it could cave in with glass everywhere!
      Such excitement!
      Back to work tomorrow, YUCK!
      Back is killing me, Yuck!
      Got to call chrio tomorrow, everyone closed for the holiday today because it fell on a Sunday we got Monday off too.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17417
      jacquek
      Peserta

      I have read your whole journal from start to finish..I thank you for your honestly and have a lot of the same feelings.  Stay strong and thanks for your strength!

    • #17418
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys!
      Oh my BACK! I couldn’t dream of putting on pantyhose and a skirt, my usual attire esp. when it it is 90 outside. Took me 1/2 hour to dress, sweat and tears pouring down my face! Took a pair of sox and had one of the gals put them on my feet when i got to work. I couldn’t stay home today or I would have lost my holiday pay. Called chiro and they got me in right away so i took my lunch break early and went.
      I got relief, Thank U Jesus, and was finally able to walk upright. Told Dr, about the sox and he chuckled. I looked at him funny and he said I must have had trouble doing other things. Light bulb moment, "Yea Doc, I couldn’t wipe my butt!"
      They fixed my door. They put tape on it! I thought it would have atleast been boarded up by now.They are inviting a lawsuit if that glass flys when it falls out!
      Starting to storm. Hope to be on the chat later!
      Gamble free, thats a good feeling!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17419
      jacquek
      Peserta

      Thanks for checking in my journal…hope you are feeling better….hugs to you..

    • #17420
      ddsroad
      Peserta

      Bettie,
      LOL.  Love the doctor comment!  Very, very funny.  Your attitude sounds great.  Way to keep pushing through the good and bad.  Sorry to hear about the back and hope it is feeling better soon!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

    • #17421
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Yes had a bit of a giggle at that one.  Hope your back gets better very soon
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17422
      bettie
      Peserta

      hi Guys,
      Vera, so good to see u on the chat!
      Back a little better tonight, see chrio tomorrow.
      Had a customer come in with overdrafts caused by casino withdrawls, WHY DOES THAT GIVE ME URGES??
      She LOST her money, do I think I can go and get it for myself>??
      think i will go take a dip!
      peace
      bettie
      i think i am a dip!
      TWO LAPS, THUNDER LIGHTNING!
      bACK INSIDE!– 7/8/2010 12:47:36 AM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17423
      vera
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie…great to “chat”….sort of exhausted now. Worked a twelve hour shift. Not feeling the best . On anti biotics and slight pyrexia, but nothing compared to your back problems….how do you bear it? Even the thought freaks me out!…no computer access for days…02.20 now…gotta try to sleep. Off tomorrow and working twelve hour shifts again Friday and Saturday. Something is exhausting me…old age coming on?……talk soon!

    • #17424
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie,
      well I missed chat, had to work late tonight.  Look at you going!  Swimming is great for the back.  Hope you are on the mend soon.  Take care,
      Laura

    • #17425
      bettie
      Peserta

      Woke up in a mood this morning!
      Called my friend last night to wish him a happy birthday. He saw me at work on tuesday, wanted to know why I wasn’t taking care of my self anymore. "You’ve really put on weight since you stopped going to the casino." I told him my back hurt so bad I could barely walk much less worry about makeup and doing my hair. "But you aren’t working out, it really shows." I tryed to explain even attempting to workout could futher dammage my back and that I have an appointment with the female Chrio for an assestment and a safe workout plan next week when the back calms down. Well, he had two more calls to make but he would call me back. He never called back.
      Well, at least he mentioned the gambling free time. What an *ss!
      I had a dream about an old boyfriend last night. He came to visit me but another girl horned in on our time and took him away from me. I think that is what happened with him in real life but that was 31 years ago. I feel so fat, ugly and unlovable!
      Back is stiff, took the last of the vicoden. I need to clean and am afraid to move out of this chair!
      Have to admit 1/2 of me wants to gamble after the chrio appt, the other 1/2 wants to go and ban.
      I am defeated today already and it’s only 5:45 am. Maybe I should go back to bed and start over!
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17426
      vera
      Peserta

      Tough one Bettie! Dreams and reality all fusing into one…..you called that guy and he gave you all that lowdown!!! He is a loser. He’d be getting a black envelope from me with a DROP DEAD DUDE birthday greeting…typical of FWB! They love to have you on the backfoot so the can take advantage…”am’nt I so lucky that this hunk will condesend to fat ugly me!…..Bugger him Bettie! You don’t need emotion suckers in your life at this point! That back sounds bad! I’m praying for you!

    • #17427
      female g
      Peserta

      Bettie I feel for you and wish you better days soon.  I can relate though I had a customer in a few days ago and (he was wasted) come from another bar and wanted me to help him get a cheap rate in the hotel,Which i did afterall we know each other over 10 years.  Anyway in his drunken stuper he says I don’t like your hair like that it makes you look old.  Well i was not impressed and felt awful especially because the hair was not cooperating at all that day and I just said to hell with it and went to work. So having him say that of course made me feel ugly. And I am far from ugly this i know and looking at him who is definetly not all that anyway had some nerve. but I didn’t let it pass since he insisted on hanging around even though i told him a number of times he should just go to bed.  Anyway I told him I didn`t recall asking him for his opinion when he says are you mad!!!!! jerk….  So I told my co workers and that helped to unload.  So the weekend passes and i go into the office at work and run into a x manager from 20 years ago and he says Wow you look the same as you did 20 years ago you look great Lol so just when you think someone can make you feel sh… there will always be someone waiting to make you feel good. I realize I need to focus on that feedback and give the negative a swift kick in the ass and move on.  there will always be people around who want to rain on our parade to hell with them Bettie.  You are doing so well and they don`t even have a clue and if they don`t support you move on my friendG Stay focused on recovery and maybe we can catch up on weekend chat  

    • #17428
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      I am so sick of not having any self esteem. You guys are right on point, he is no good for me. Larry mentioned on the chat while he ( my "friend") lacks the social grace of returning the call his intention may have been to bring it to my attention and he may have been less than kind in his tatics.
      I wish he really was my friend but the fact of the matter is he isn’t. I settle for the scraps he throws to me because I am so afraid of being alone and having no one to talk to. I wish I could give him a big kick. If I was in my right mind I would. Instead I called him to wish him happy birthday again in the hope that he would find a little time for me today.
      "maybe later’ he tells me so I call him tonight, "im busy, I have some of the kids here with me and I have a lot of work yet to do tonight." I told him I would call him tomorrow. If i didn’t, I wouldn’t hear from him for days. There is no reason that his opinion of me matters so much so why does it? Why do I keep holding on to a "relationship" that is really not a relationship? I can’t make him love me, doesn’t matter if I’m a size 6,16 or 26, this will not change. I can tell it to my head, someone please explain it to my heart.
      I’m in self destruction mode right now. I need to write this day off as a loss and consentrate on getting through the next two work days.
      One chuckle today. Saw the chiro today. ( back has made a great recovery! Thank U Jesus!) He says his wife is always asking him about funny things that happen at the office. He said he told her about my soxs. Bet he told her about my butt too!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17429
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Bettie, good to hear your back is better!  You need to tell dufus face to kiss off!! You are better than he deserves and any good man would be lucky to have you!  I’ve been struggling with the same issues as you, so I know how you feel.  And it sure doesn’t help when we have the financial mess to deal with to.  Hang in there girl!  I’ve been working like crazy and crazy hours too but I will give you a call this weekend.  Love ya!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17430
      cully21
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie:
      I will be on chat this weekend so  maybe goofy ol Cully from Texas can make you laugh. I always enjoy your comapany.
      I am in a quote mood today. Below is some lyrics from an old Molly Hatchet song "Fall of the Peacmakers."
      "A wise man told me there is something you should know. The way you judge a man is you look into his soul. And you’ll soon see everything."
      I have looked into your soul Bettie. You are a beuatiful person.
      God Bless,
      Cully21

    • #17431
      bettie
      Peserta

      Oh, U guys are so sweet!
      I was thinking about song lyrics today too. "I can’t make you love me", Bonnie Ratt, here’s one that i  can count on for more than a good cry, an absolute sob fest, "Story of my life", Linda Ronstant.
      OMG, "just someone to lay down beside you,and even tho it’s not real, just someone to lay down beside you, the story of my life………"
      So, even tho I own these songs they are not played unless I’m in a Patsy Cline mood, which can be induced by drinking Tequela then beer!
      Don’t go there! Not for the weak! LOL!
      I am in better spirits today. Got nothing as far as production at work but I don’t care. Mood swings, I think it’s the hormone therapy. I take the last one for the month tonight so maybe I can go back to just 2 personalities, bettie 1&2 instead of this wacked out 3rd one that has suddenly appeared!
      Bettie 3 is really working my nerves! lol!
      Oh well, almost made the GA meeting. Brought a change of clothes to work, mapped out my trip. Stopped for a bite. I didn’t count on the Friday traffic! At 7pm, meeting start time, i was only 1/2 way there. Turned around, came home.
      I need to try Thursday PM. That one is only 15 minutes away and no highway to drive on.
      Jules, you will understand this one. The friend of my "friend" called me at work today. He needed acct info. I gave it to him. He said I haven’t forgotten I still owe you a lunch or maybe we should make it dinner. I told him sure, next time you’re in town call me. I think we should go to the restruant that my "friends" other friend in town owns. I mean, he did say I could do what ever I wanted right??
      peace
      bettie

    • #17432
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hiya Bettie,
      Good lord, there is nothing like a man to make you feel like crap! (i dont mean any men on here of course!!!) Time for you to write a list, of all your beautiful qualities, and i know there is at least a page there.  I have learnt that if you dont give yourself a wrap up, no one else is going to do it for you!  So start looking in that mirror, remember all the people here who know you for who you are, sight unseen and love you for it!!!  Dont give that guy the satisfaction of sitting back with his smug face, knowing that you’re sitting there waiting for him to call.  What a moron.  You my lovely, deserve all that is wonderful in this world, and once you start to give yourself a little credit, things will happen when you least expect them to.
      Take care gorgeous, im so pleased the back is feeling better,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #17433
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Woke up early. Getting a head start on the day. Took a pain pill to loosen up this back. All in all it’s much better and i should be able to mannage some normal tasks, like laundry, cleaning the cat box ( yuck), and maybe a good walk today.
      Weather looks good so we’ll see. I can’t stand the humid stuff but if thats the case I’ll swim a little.
      Niece called to have her hair done tomorrow. Photographer is doing family photos at her mother in laws house.
      Thats for tomorrow so at least I have some plans to keep me away from "u know where" this weekend.
      Need more coffee and to get ready for work. Hope to chat later!
      Kathryn, u are beautiful yourself!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17434
      bettie
      Peserta

      Ava,
      We just met on the chat. I hope u can go through with the ban. Start your own thread, start your recovery here with us. So many really nice people here to help you.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17435
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Woah, that man is not good for you.  I felt instantly defensive of you.  Hmmmmm!  Hope you are doing well now, and i hope to see you in chat soon
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17436
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      The good, the bad, and the ugly! My life of late. I managed a 2 mile workout, nothing earth shattering, back was ok but pain in my thigh stopped me and made me take little brakes. My niece came over and I did her hair for the photos. Wanted to walk to the store but the leg is acting funny, hurting on and off. Decited to drive to the store.
      I was going to call my daughter and phone rang, it was her. She was asking for directions to the beach. I told her funny, we went for a little yesterday to try out the car repair. "Oh, and u didn’t call me?" Told her no, last minute and I knew she was with her boyfriend. I gave her directions and said I wouldn’t mind going. "Well, u went without me yesterday, and it’s just me and Chris (bf)." I just said oh.
      I look back and try to pin point the start of the compulsive gambling. It’s the lonelyness i think more than anything. Today is a prime example. Everyone has something to do. My tasks are done. I have no place to go that I wish to go alone. Gambling was the perfect escape for a day like today.
      I hate feeling like this, unwanted, unwelcomed and unloved. Is this depression, hormones, pms?? Withdrawl??
      Need to shake this off and move on!
      bettie
      ps lost my brother 8 years ago today. Maybe thats making me a little over sensitive today.– 7/11/2010 8:08:09 PM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17437
      deelaven
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie, just ready your post. I know what you mean about the lonliness. At one point in my life I wanted everyone to just leave me alone, well I learned be careful what you wish for! Through gambling I created that life and now I have shut myself out from friends and social events. It does get very lonely and a day at the casino took care of that. I’m keeping myself busy today but I need to put myself out there and make some new friends so I have something to do. I’m scared of making new friends and making an effort. It is hard and opens up the possibility of rejection but the alternative is not the answer either.

    • #17438
      bettie
      Peserta

      Good Morning,
      Had a dream last night. I was fighting with the manager of an icecream shop for overcharging me. She was sorry but she could do nothing about it. What the heck was that about?? I was feeling powerless. Maybe that was it.
      Have to get ready for work. I will have to stay late most likely but have no choice. Hope to get some business today.
      No gambling today.
      bettie
       

    • #17439
      vera
      Peserta

      In the dream you are the both manager and the person who was overcharged Bettie! You feel you have been short changed! that’s my humble interpretation…read the e mail I sent you earlier. A coincidence?..was the ice cream melting while the arguement took place?

    • #17440
      bettie
      Peserta

      The icecream was one giant puddle as the cone was sideways laying in a card board box!

    • #17441
      vera
      Peserta

      interesting! I did a bit of study on dream work…melting icecream denotes disillusionment, fear of betrayal or things slipping out of control or slipping out of our hands…iscream! you may need to let off steam by yelling!…I LOVE hearing peoples’ dreams!…

    • #17442
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Just checking in. Went on the chat, good to see u all. Hope to be on the one tomorrow (9 pm for me).
      My medical records are becoming public knowledge! Back good, leg is having sharp pains now. Pinched nerve? thats Dr Laura’s diganois! I see chrio after work so we’ll see!
      Funny, now I feel like working out and can’t! Took a dip in the pool. Not alot of real swimming but I did work the leg under the water. Felt fine. Climbed out of the pool and "WAM-OUCH!  Limped home!
      Called my Mom to plan a trip down state to see my nieces, my deceased brothers girls. We will go at the end of August as the state fair is underway and I haven’t gone in years. ( Last time i weighted 300 lbs and it was 100 degrees out there, didn’t last long!) I do believe the car is finally in good enough shape for the trip! Yea! Did I tell u i had a wonderful big brother?? $40 dollar fix, it’s running smooth, like it should!
      Talked to my sister today, we talked about my deceased brother. Both in tears but I felt better. Somehow I just felt like no one really cared enough to remember him yesterday. I was wrong, as usual!
      Urges tonight. Why? No reason. they passed. Did get the phone number for the counceling services avalable through my job. Now I just need to make the call.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17443
      deelaven
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie, I thought about you today and wondered how you are doing? Sounds as if you are well. Good for you for working out. I need to get on that train as well. A couple of years ago I tore my achilles tendon and haven’t got back into the routine since. Also, I gambled to darn much. No time for exercise. Now I do and I will get there. Glad to hear your progress. Your friend, Dee

    • #17444
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Thank you for your support chicky.  I am in a bad place but i guess i can only go one way up from here.  I have reached the bottom again!!! Hey good on you for exercising, something i am planning very soon to get into.  I will be on board with you.  After i finish this toast hehe… chat soon
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17445
      bettie
      Peserta

      Missed the Chiro, had a last minute customer my asst manager dumped on me and he was a pain in the butt!
      Oh well, I told her I was going during work time tomorrow so If my co worker shows up late there will be no one taking customers and I don’t really care.
      Crampy and sore-Yuck!
      bettie

    • #17446
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hey Guys!
      Up early, female issues. This is why I am taking the med’s that are putting some weight on me and went through that horrible test. Why? So far, no good! Well, she said it would take time to inprove but like all cg’s I wanted it fixed YESTERDAY!
      Gonna pop into work then leave for my chiro appt. Have to bring a change of clothes. (90 and humid today) so I don’t want to wear slacks today.
      Need to run, catch u later!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17447
      jacquek
      Peserta

      Hope u have a wonderful day!!

    • #17448
      p
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie
      Good luck with that chiro appointment.  Hope things get sorted for you very soon
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17449
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Betty, my friend, how are things today?  Sorry I missed your call last night.  My phone didn’t have a signal.  It’s been acting up lately.  If I don’t answer on my cell, try my home phone.  Hope today finds you feeling better!  Love ya like a sister!   JulesIf you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17450
      bettie
      Peserta

      hi Guys!
      I so wanted to catch the chat tonight but my sister called and came over with my niece for a swim. 90 outside, water was beauitful! My brother joined us.
      Got some bad new, cousin called from down state and my Aunt passed today. So sad. There were 8 boys and six girls. My dads twin sister and their baby sister are the only ones left. I can picture my Aunt Rosie in heaven playing cards with my Dad and all their kin! They were a fun bunch of good ol" country folk and I can just see them all together!
      Urges so I am glad my sister called for the swim. I must do something about this soon! The only answer is to ban, so I have to commit to doing it.
      Catch u in the morning!
      bettie

    • #17451
      bettie
      Peserta

      Good Morning,
      Oh Friday is here! Saw Chiro and they want me to commit to two visits a week for 6 weeks for strength training for my back. Thats good and all but at $30 a visit, ($360 for the time) we will have to work on a payment plan. I have avoided joining a gym due to the $$ but this course of treatment will cost almost the same as a one year gym membership.
      Have lost about 6 of the 15lbs i "found" this year so at least  something is happening! Still feel bloated and clothes are tight but another 5 lbs will help with that, just have to do it.
      Have a good day/night and I’ll catch the chat when I get home later.
      Still gamble free, no gamblimg today!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17452
      paul315
      Peserta

      Originally posted by bettie

      … Thats good and all but at $30 a visit …

      Good morning Betty,
      Not knocking a chiropractor of the service the provide, and not knowing your past efforts or insurance situation; I am still asking if you have tried a physical therapist prescribed by a MD. This way health insurance might cover some of the cost; if your doctor determined that your condition hindered or restricted in any way daily activities required to function, i.e., getting dressed, preparing meals,  traveling to work, or preforming work.  Like I said, I don’t know of your past history, but using a PT prescribed by a MD over a Chiro, unless they happen to be a MD/DC, was one thing that we (we as in my past union activities) recommended to our members to save on cost. A lot of insurance companies cover limited physical therapy even when they do not cover "adjustments".
      God’s speed. Keep aware.Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

    • #17453
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Hey Larry, the chiro is $30 no matter what they do. The pt with them is 100%. I never was a beliver in chiropratic since no one seems to be "cured" and they keep u going until run out of benifits!
      I really like this guy tho and i think i’m atleast going to try a session or two.
      Well Guys, I did it, I went to my first GA meeting. It was a good group, a couple who were 9 years and that was interesting.
      They recomend that u go to lots of meetings but this was quite emotionaly draining and I don’t know about wanting to be the Newbee at a bunch of different places. I don’t feel like I did months ago and don’t think that I am in the crisis mode that I have been in in the past. But I do want to try to make the meeting on Thursday so we will see.
      catch u on the chat!
      peace
      bettie– 7/17/2010 10:35:07 AM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17454
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Nice to see you went to your meeting.. I have gone back to mine too.  The one i go to is a very small group but they are nice and i learn something every time i go. Mind you last time i blubbered so much all i could do is listen.  Day five for me today, onward and upward
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17455
      p
      Peserta

      Hey forgot to say, congrats on losing those pounds Bettie, good on you..
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17456
      rr04e
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      It was nice chatting with you. I did read your story on first page and did on some other pages.
      Title of your thread is eye-catching but I also had this kind of thought the last two weeks.
      Keep strong and gambling free Bettie. You’ll be on the list of my prayer. I thank you for listening to my story. Will catch u again at chat room. Have a blessed weekend

    • #17457
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Home from pizza and beer with my brother, brother in law, niece and mom. Told my brother in law the secret to get along with mom is to give her a beer every once in a while!
      Got a call from my sister in law down state, She said the second guy that ever kissed me ( i was 12) was killed in a motorcycle accident. He was 47. Thats a shame and I am sorry for his family. It did bring up some sweet memories of him trying to get me into the hay barn on my uncle’s farm but I was a good girl then and refused.
      Tired. My friend called and asked about my back. Then he wanted to know why I have gained weight! Hey , u throw your back out for 5 weeks and see how much u work out! Oh well, maybe he has good intentions or is worried about me. I doubt that as he is very self centered but I am worthy of being concerned about so I will just go with that!
      Bed soon.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17458
      deelaven
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie, tell your "friend" that the reason you gained weight is because you are a human being! I know there are two sides to every story but geez, the nerve of some people. I’m glad to see you are doing well. Hey, I’m originally from Arlington Heights IL. Moved away about 20 years ago. Your friend, Dee

    • #17459
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Dee, i am about 45 minutes from Arlington Heights, small world u know?
      Monday, monday-la la la la la la-can’t trust that day….
      Well at least i woke up singing!
      Gotta get to work!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17460
      jacquek
      Peserta

      Have a great week Bettie!

    • #17461
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Sorry to hear of your old friend passing.  Sounds like you have a lot of fun with your brother… pizza and beer adventures hehe.  i dont like the sound of that guy ringing and asking why you gained weight i think its just rude, doesnt sound like a nice one at all really.  Is he a picture of perfection himself without any flaws???  I wonder if you pointed something out about him if he would be the same..
      Hope to see you in chat soon
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17462
      deelaven
      Peserta

      Bettie, it is a small world. I can tell you that what I miss most about the area is the FOOD. OMG, pizza, hot dogs, italian beef…can’t get that stuff anywhere else. I used to work at Motorola in Shaumburg and the start of my gambling problems was at the Arlington Race Track. That is where I first went out of control and realized I have the addictive personality. I quit cold turkey for about 15 years. Then I went to Vegas, won some big money, and the monster was released again. I’m 2 weeks gamble free and I hope 15 years from now I will be writing about how I quit while living in Missouri in 2010.  – Dee

    • #17463
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      P, he can be really rude but he can be a real motovater too. He used to be a great support for my workouts but he is all about himself. He has an ex who told him he was only capable of loving himself. She is compleatly right. If I didn’t care for him there would be alot i could say but I’ll take the high road, until i really get fed up then watch out!
      My daughter called me at work. Her boyfriend called and told her a Taxi hit her car and it may be totaled! This is really awful, she just paid it off 2 weeks ago! She can’t afford a car payment but I am afraid that the dammage is more than the car is worth. I called her Dad and asked him to help her get another car. He’s a good guy, he’ll help her out.
      Tired, running all day!
      till tomorrow….
      peace
      bettie

    • #17464
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      UG! I went to dinner with my other friend, told him i went to a ga meeting, mistake, mistake, mistake!
      He says I won’t say too much but you don’t know how much that p*sses me off. I work so hard for all my life to make money and to just throw it away, just makes me mad. I made a poor attempt to defend myself, that was a mistake too. Any one can make an excuse for anything he says. I told him I went to the meeting so I would have some one to talk to since I have no one who can understand this. He just looked at me.
      I am so upset. People make their own happiness, you can chose to be happy if you want to he says.
      Did I somehow chose to be CG? Did I chose to be unhappy? I don’t remember making those choices.
      I wanted to SCREAM at him, do u know how many times I gambled because U broke a promise to me? Do you know how being involved with you eats at me because I know it’s wrong? Do u know that I hate myself?
      I feel so broken
      bettie

    • #17465
      meursault
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      I think its so hard for those outside addiction to even have a grasp of it though your friend seems seriously to lack any empathy.
      I wish I could say something wise to you.
      Meursault
       

    • #17466
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Meur.
      That tyrate was partly brought on by the 5 beers he had before I met up with him. He has no excuse ( he has an unadmitted drinking problem) and I got what I deserved, hurt feelings, because I should know by now I have no one to confide in. esp. him. He is like a slot machine to me, he takes the best from me and turns away after he’s gotten what he wants or needs from me. I am his fool, and the really sad part is I still feel if I got him out of my life I would be even more sad and lonley than I am right now.
      sick, isn’t it?
      bettie

    • #17467
      meursault
      Peserta

      Bettie
      Is it true you would be sadder and more lonely than you are now with him in your life.
      I really have little knowledge about you but i doubt that statement.
      Meursault
       

    • #17468
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      M, this show the depths of my own self hatred that is only the tip of the iceberge when it comes to this illiness.
      Some day, and hopefully it won’t be long, i will regain the respect i once had for myself and even if it means being alone i will stop compromising my own morals and rid myself of these unhealthy and unproductive relationships.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17469
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Bettie, dear friend…You have all of us…We understand all too well.  Be proud of who you are and what you are accomplishing.  Don’t let this fool bring you down.  He is not worthy.  What’s the saying?  "the best revenge is…"….OK, I don’t remember what the actual saying is…so, I’ll make up my own….."the best revenge is…Bettie being happy with who she is and what she does and him living a miserable existense."  Works for me. 
       If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17470
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      I’m sorry that this "friend" (although I have a few other names for him) hurt you.  From what you are saying is far from the first time that has happened.  Of course when it is not our emotions that are tied up in a situation we can look at it and tell you to dump that SOB or never call him again.  Have you heard it said that in order to make room for the things you want in your life you have to kick all the crap to the curb first.  Otherwise there is no room for the good.  I’m sorry you feel so lonely Bettie.  I have been married for 20 years and there were still many times that I felt lonely.  I too wish I had something wise to say.  But I do think that this hurt has resulted in some growth.  Those are some pretty powerful statements you made.  You are growing Bettie and the changes will continue to happen.  My thoughts are with ya Bettie, hope you are having a better day.
      Laura

    • #17471
      vera
      Peserta

      Bettie! Why are you giving your time/energy/emotion and( if this guy is like someone I know) probably picking up the food/drink tab too!!!!!………Why! oh why! Bettie? Allowing someone to suck all that emotion out of you is not healthy! I KNOW because Ive been there……And It is SOOO like gambling! Putting our HEARTS in a “slot machine,” and for such poor odds!………Remember, Bettie N O B O D Y has the power to hurt you, unless you give it to him……..(I’ll send you a juicy e mail when you recover from this wound lickin session!)……Oh, by the way. I had a great few days on the Aran Islands…Most Western point in Ireland and last stop before America! It’s a different life there. like entering a different world…….Back to work on Thursday…….eeeeeeeks!

    • #17472
      cant take it
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      Thanks for the birthday wishes, I really am happy that you thought of me.
      I did go back into your thread, and found your post about your birthday.  I have done that so many years in a row, that I was so happy not to do it this time.  I went out to dinner with my family, and didn’t have that awful gambling hangover that I always had in the past.  So many birthday dinners were ruined because of my awful gambling habit.
      This time I will really able to listen to what everyone had to say, and not have my mind wandering, and thinking about the mess that I made again.  It really does feel good to stay away from that darn place. I am actually starting to get out of bed alittle bit easier each day.  We can do this bettie.  I will talk to you in chat soon.

    • #17473
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      I hope that you are feeling a bit better today.. What can i say, we all know that man is no good for you but it is you that has to see that and feel that.  It is easy for other people though to tell you as we are not in that position ourselves.  I hope things start turning round for you soon Bettie.  We love you here you know that
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17474
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Boy, what a week! I’ve been running with the daughter every night trying to get things together for her.
      The car was a total loss. Her insurance gave her a very fair amount for the car, $4400, concitering that it was 5 years old and beat up in general with 100,000 miles on it. What a shame, she just paid it off 3 weeks ago and is ran very well. Her dad found an old car for her, 1998 , with low miles so hopefully it will have a little life left to it.
      Thanks to everyone for their support. Someday I’ll get it together, i’ll learn to love me.
      Hope to go to GA tonight, depends on the weather. Calling for stormes but if they get out of the way early i’ll go. If not, I’ll be chatting early!
      See you all on the chat!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17475
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi guys,
      Seems to be trouble on the chat. Oh well, it’s late and I’ll try tomorrow.
      Made it to GA in the rain. Not quite so emotional tonight. I still don’t get when you start working the steps, they talk about it but I don’t know when that happens. Time will tell. Every one seems very nice but very religious. I will try to keep an open mind.
      Hope to catch u all tomorrow!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17476
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      So pleased you have gone to GA…stick with it, i think we learn something from everything…hmmm, dont know if that makes sense!!  Anyway, had some amazing ears this week, pretty gross my friend!!!
      Hope to see you on chat, if that connection problem fixes itself.
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #17477
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      I am exactly the same with GA im not sure where you start with the steps i find it a bit confusing, i just know i need to go and like listening to others stories and knowing i am amongst people who understand.  Hope you are having a good day Bettie
      See you soon
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17478
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Bettie, I am so proud of you for going to GA!  Keep it up as it cannot make it worse, only better.  Once my car gets fixed, I hope to join you.  Thanks for lending an ear friend.If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17479
      female g
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie Good luck with the 12 steps and try not to let your guard down when it comes to sticking with what will help.  I feel the same when it comes to the religious element and sometimes it becomes a crutch for those who need one.  I choose to feel differently and though my faith is unstructured it is real.  Take what works for you and let the other stuff go ok.G Take your time and what works for some will not always work for you, just remember there dosen’t have to be any set rules. I like that freedom so that i feel I make the final decission on what will work for me.G

    • #17480
      p
      Peserta

      Nice to see you as always in chat Bettie.. Hope to see you again soon and hope the work situation resolves itself somehow soon
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17481
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Home from the wedding. It was nice, ate too much! Wore pumps, I was one of the few with shoes still on after the dinner. Why do we kill ourselves to wear shoes we just take off anyway??
      Has a nice visit with my Nieces. My niece from down south came in on the train. She is so quite, I can’t believe she is one of us, lol! She’s 18 now, my brother would be so proud of her. I can’t believe I was pregnant with my daughter when I was her age. She is still just a babe in my eyes. I was so much older at 18.
      I told My ex gambling buddy abut the GA meetings. She said "you know, I never thought you had a problem, I was suprised when you told me about the online therapy, but I can’t believe you need to go to GA, I never saw you like that." I told her that that is just how sneeky this illiness is, I lost my mind right in front of you and I was so good at covering up even you didn’t see it. I never lied to her, I just never told her about the return trips to the casino, the actual losses, the trips there without her,the feelings of discuss I had for myslf, the sleepless nights, the sucidal thoughts, the hopelessness, the fears,the shame.
      Wow, that was a mouthful!
      Work, more stress. They raised the goals 25%. I barely made it the last quarter and this one is off to a slow start. I think they just want to get rid of all of us oldtimers. They preach service but only judge you on sales ( new Accounts).
      I am going to apply for different jobs in the company. The bankrupcy will be a big hinderance to getting another bank job beside the fact that I don’t want to give up my vacation time (4 weeks) and start over with 2. This sucks but I have to deal with it head on, can’t run and hide. I must be proactive and stop procrastnating.
      Nothing changes if nothing changes.
      Mersault, i didn’t leave the chat because of you. Was that person looking for gambling help or just help gambling??
      peace
      bettie

    • #17482
      bettie
      Peserta

      Morning,
      Sorry about leaving the chat yesterday, internet pooped out. Still having problems so if I go mia tonight don’t worry, need nephew to come over and straighten me out.
      Would love to call off today, just can’t afford to.
      catch u all soon!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17483
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Glad you enjoyed the wedding and good to see you on chat as always… I hope work improves for you and you find another job that is less stressful.  Anyway i will see you again soon, you are doing well, i know what you mean about how easy it was to hide this addiction, that is how i was too, only this time after my slip there was no hiding it i was an absolute basket case, which in a way i am greatful for because now i am heading for recovery.. nice to see you Bettie look forward to seeing you soon
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17484
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      What a day, I am pooped!
      Had my semi annual review today-what a joke!
      My coworker was back from vacation today. He took a customer at 9:15 am. My boss sat in his office, reading his news paper. At about 10:30 he shoots me an e mail to say that the lobby is backed up and can I move my customer along.
      He was busy working on reviews and couldn’t take a customer! Mind you, I had already taken 3 customers and was only with this one 5 minutes when he sent that! I was P*SSED! I proceded to take an additional 8 customers while my coworker STILL had the same customer from 9:15am! NOTHING was said to him-he’s the golden boy and takes as much time as he wants while I am stuck making 0 towards my goals taking all the service customers.
      So it’s afternoon and time for my review. He proceeds to tell my how i am 111% for the 1st Quarter and 115% for the 2nd quarter. ( never mind that the goal was raised 10% so really I was 25% above the first quarter!) While I have made some improvement I still had quite a way to go as I could be exceeding my goals by much more.
      Enough, what ever, i signed off on it then asked him,"Is this the time I tell you I am looking for a different position?"
      He’s like, "are u kidding?" "No, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time as it is very defeating to make goals just to have them pushed out of reach. I am finding this position just too stressful with the pressure to sell sell sell and I will NOT put customers into accounts that they don’t need in order to make a goal, thats just not me."
      "I can’t believe you want to move now. You are doing so well."
      "That is the time to move ( mr x), as you can’t move while on probation. In all my career I have never had unsatasfactory reviews and write ups, until now."
      He said he would speak to the regional about the goal and what was going on.
      I told him I wanted to let him know so he wouldn’t hear it second hand.
      I just can’t do this job anymore. I am burnt out and it sickens me to see all the cheaters rewarded for opening high value accounts with low balances to get better credit and placing waivers on so the customer doesn’t get charged, at least for a while. Then when they get charged I seem to get stuck trying to resolve their problems. When a company opens 7000 accounts in a quarter and closes out 9000 what does that tell you? Customer are getting jerked around and tired of it.
      Sorry if that rambles but I just had to vent!
      peace
      bettie
       

    • #17485
      bettie
      Peserta

      having urges, where did that come from??
      Gonna call my friend first thing in the morning, make a plan for the day.
      hope to catch an early chat. stress i guess.
      bettie

    • #17486
      female g
      Peserta

      keep up the biggest fight of your life, your worth it G

    • #17487
      meursault
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      I have a boss who sometimes is ready to criticise any mistake that I make, even though he rarely knows what he is talking about, as he does not understand how my job works.
      He uses words like " schoolboy error " and also includes the whole of the office in the emails he sends. Only one other person is subject to the same scrutiny that I am, and the rest are allowed to revel in incompetence, and they are good at that.
      I used to find it quite hard to deal with and even when he tells me that I and the other get criticised most because we are the best and the highest paid, he does not understand how demotivating it can be.
      I do my best now to let it go over my head and just think " there goes my boss again "
      I see it is different for you and I would seek another position like you.
      Take Care
      Meursault
       
       

    • #17488
      howanan
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,  Oh yeah the stress will certainly bring on the urges.  When ever I would get frustrated, I would get urges to just go sit and zombie out in front of the machine.  But as we both know, this only causes more stress and self loathing.  So I am glad to read you are planning on spending time with your non gambling friend.  Have a good day.  And yes, look for another job…………..Nancy

    • #17489
      jacquek
      Peserta

      Definitely have a plan Bettie.  You’ve recognized it and addressing it.  Hope you have a wonderful gamble free day!

    • #17490
      vera
      Peserta

      Bettie, I hope that urge got a good kick in the ass! If we were to give in where would we be….3 guesses! Let us know how the day went for you! Which friend did you call………..?????????

    • #17491
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Vera, u are such a funny girl!
      I was on the chat 2x yesterday, went thrift shopping with my friend, another friend called and stopped by for a hair cut. He said "see, i even let you cut my hair, i trust you." "Really? such a pleasure for me! Not like work at all." Always better to have hairdresser friends then be a hairdresser! LOL! Oh well, i don’t mind, most friends pay me but I don’t like to ask. Those that don’t usually have some kind of trade off.
      I spent a couple of hours on the phone with Jules, good therapy for both of us.
      I did work around those urges but not easy. 29 days today, and GA tonight so my 30 days is assured!
      Thanks to everyone who posted, you really did help me through!
      See u on the weekend chat!
      bettie

    • #17492
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Congratulations!!!!!30 days, well done.. Sounds like you have been busy but having some fun too.  So glad you and Jules are close by, must be awesome.  Hold your head high at that meeting Bettie, you have done well
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17493
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Here i am, taking a break from cooking and cleaning. I put a roast in the oven just to have a reason to stay in. Urges will pass but right now i have to kill time until i have convinced myself that it would be too late to gamble and get home at a decent time. I know I am playing mind games with myself, i really don’t want to gamble but then again I do.
      I have no $$ to go, i will feel bad if I go, i don’t want to feel like this.
      I worked out even though the dvd didn’t want to play. 40 minutes, better than i thought i would do. Maybe I’ll get the wash together, that will kill a couple of hours.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17494
      deelaven
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie, don’t know what is going on but I have urges today also. It has been 26 days since I last gambled and I havn’t had urges until today. I knew they would rear their ugly head. Sooooo, just like you are doing, I need to busy myself with other things. Gonna go call a friend. Let us both stay strong. Dee

    • #17495
      bettie
      Peserta

      hi dee, hi guys,
      Just ate the roast, sweet potato and carrots, yummy!
      Gonna start wash, then go to the grocery store, that should get me past the "danger zone". Still want to go. Dee, I think "day 30" is a trigger time, i seem to remember being here before!
      this too shall pass,
      bettie

    • #17496
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Sorry to hear you are having urges… you will get through, keep doing what you have been doing, keep putting that urge off it will eventually pass.  You are doing so well amongst your stressful circumstances.  How about treating yourself to a movie or getting your hair done or something when you get the urge to go again.  Maybe a new pair of shoes for the new path for you..
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17497
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi P , hi guys!
      Still here, still reading and posting. Invited my brother and daughter over so hopefully one will show.
      Past the "danger zone" so i’ll be ok. Glad i didn’t open the mail yesterday. I did that loan modfication, checked my payment and it was showing late fee. I called the lady who was doing the paperwork. She never called me back, i left two messages. I got a letter from the collection department that i am in forclosure and owe $3500! Thats not even possible! Even without the loan mod I would be short $90 bucks! Were did they get that figure?????
      By the way, this is the mortgage division of the company i work for. Customers complain and now I see why!
      See, God didn’t want me to open that mail, That may have put me over the edge yesterday or today!
      peace,
      bettie

    • #17498
      bettie
      Peserta

      Sorry Larry, Vtc,
      I got knocked out of the chat, would have loved to taked to you!
      bettie

    • #17499
      howanan
      Peserta

      I was good that you recognized the need to stay busy until the urges past.  Sometimes they are sooo hard to fight,.  But by keeping busy you are not thinking about them.  I hope you get that mortgage business straightened out….Nancy

    • #17500
      bettie
      Peserta

      Just talked to the mortgage company, frustrating! "Thats a system generated letter", where did u get that figure?"That would be the amout you owe." The amount I would owe? The mortgage is current and the documents were signed in June, can u see the mortgage payment record?" Let me transfer you to the modification department." "Why?? You sent the letter!" They will have to explain it to you." Let me explain something to you, I am terified you may accidently send a sherriff to evict me, then what do I do? "Mam, let me transfer your call, they can explain it to you."
      Call transfered,"mam.they have to close out the modification." WHAT ARE U WAITING FOR? Why would i get a letter like that? " It’s system generated." And why is that? The loan is current.
      This is so frustrating! Oh well, what ya gonna do? I guess it’s alright, I told them I want another leter stating the loan is current so if someone knocks on my door and tries to toss me out I’ll have something to show them! I wont hold my breath!
      Not a good way to start the day, in tears, but I really think I have done all that I can and it should be ok. I feel just like a customer! At least when I get one walking in the door with a letter like that I’ll know what to tell them.
      On to start my Monday,
      peace
      bettie

    • #17501
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Got a letter from "my" casino today, I only need 1000 points ($5 lost=1 pt) to continue with my "star" status card! Mind u , i excluded in March. I opened that letter, i would normaly throw it out, but now i know who to write to to demand they take me off their list! If I walked in there, put in a card, I would go to jail. I really think they want u to sneak in and play so they can have more of your money. I know they miss me, because my points in the months pryor to banning total about 4000, so that means i won/lost over $20,000 since last August.
      Greedy b*st*rds, they have gotten enough from me!
      Need to get the letter done, stamped, and ready to mail tomorrow!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17502
      kathryn
      Peserta

      You go girl,
      Listen to yourself…strong, self assured, ready to give them all the finger.  Congrats my lovely, you are going along great, not to mention your 30+ days….WOOHOO from down under!!!
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxxxxxxxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #17503
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Hi, Bettie!
      Could you please report that mailing to the Gaming Board in whatever state that casino is located?  The casino has just broken the law and could be fined lots of money for sending that to you. 
      RIGB004@revenue.state.il.us
      Illinois Gaming Board
      160 North LaSalle, Suite 300
      Chicago, Illinois 60601
      312-814-4700
      312-814-4602 fax
      The self-exclusion agreement you signed with Indiana REQUIRES you to report this mailing to:
      Indiana Gaming Commission
      East Tower, Suite 1600
      101 W. Washington Street
      Indianapolis, IN 46204
      (317) 233-0046
      (317) 233-0047 fax
      Thanks,
      Therese

    • #17504
      p
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie
      Good on you girl.. stupid casinos, hold onto your pennies while they are reaching out for them.  Dont give them a chance to snatch away your cash and self respect, you are doing great Bettie, keep going
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17505
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Yes, i mailed off my letter to the casino. Some where in my cg mind I could here a wisper, "they don’t know u banned, u could go". Well stick a pin in that balloon, it’s popped now!
      Therese, I did forget I could get them fined, you are in such a state when u ban all u really see is that u can’t go back. What a mess it’s going to be if they leagalize video slots/poker in the bars in Illinois.I don’t know what i’ll do but cross that one if i have to. Thanks for the info, at this point i would like to get a little payback to them! lol!
      Thanks for the support and well wishes! I am just overwelmed with stress from work, the little weekly "what are u doing to get some business in here" speech makes me cringe!
      Gonna read, take a quick shower and hope to catch the next chat tonight.
      peace
      bettie– 8/5/2010 8:51:39 PM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17506
      salina
      Peserta

      ahh geez bettie.. thanks for hangin in there with me all this time. I know I have really sucked at the posting thing
      but you have been there for me and i so so appreciate it and yes for today i have a whole new gpsthis to shall pass

    • #17507
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Way to go on emailing that casino.. you are going really well and even though you have at times had those urges you have got through them one by one.. good on you Bettie.. always love seeing you on group and weekend chat see you again soon
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17508
      bettie
      Peserta

      I don’t know p, any more we are getting to be "CHATter boxes" lol!
      Well today was interesting. Woke up with pain in my ankle, ouch! I don’t know what I did but by this afternoon it was really swolen and hurt to walk on, like a sprain. ( Get your minds out of the gutter, I slept with the cat last night, lol!)
      Anyway, I had a customer who professed to be a healer and she prayed over my ankle and laied hands on me. Hey, I believe people have gifts so what the heck! It hurt all day, I wrapped it in an ace bandage and put a cold pack on it when I got home.
      Know what? It doesn’t hurt so much and I think the swelling is going down. Hummmmmmmmmmmmm………
      If it works I’m gonna get a whole body hug from the lady and see what happens!
      So when do you stop thinking about gambling? It’s wednesday night, trigger time again. Little urges but they pass. guess my mind is still programed that it’s "boat" night. Well, some day….
      peace
      bettie
       

    • #17509
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Pain from ankle is gone, still a little swolen but I’ll take the pain relief any day!
      Just staying busy, trying not to think about "you know what" but it’s a challenge.
      No $$ = No Gamble
      bettie

    • #17510
      vera
      Peserta

      just having a glance…interesting about your ankle B!………..been walking the streets here in Rotterdam…casino on every corner. Went into lots and guess what? Not one of the machines appealed to me in the least. would’nt have pllayed if they gave me free credit………my son is gone to meet some friends now…he knows a few guys here , one who ‘s job he is taking. It’s a six momth internship in an architecture office. He s taking a year off college. I ‘ve been fighting with him non stop since the night before we left Ireland…a combination of issues and today was the first day there was any normal interaction between us…I’m going home tomorrow night alone……!!!! Guess I’m mad at him for going away. Guess I m thinking of all the time I wasted in nevere never land. Guess Im looking at all these young , fit, handsome, SLIM people, and I resent growing old, fat and floppy……Only onr thing could be worse…if I had found some machine that did appeal to me and dumped the contents of my bank account ( such as it is), into it!!!
      Bettie, well done on the cat story too…I believe you! Thousands wouldn’t!
      Rotterdam is a lively city…mostly young people…I think I’m get both bored and jealous after a few weeks..
      Oh! An interesting point…very few "locals" frequent the casinos…mainly Asians from what I’ve seen…

    • #17511
      bettie
      Peserta

      Vera,
      Had to think 2x, what cat story?? LOL!!! Hehehehehehehehe! Still laughing, "thousands wouldn’t", oh don’t make me laugh like that! My side is hurting now!
      Trust me, if some olympic event had taken place I wouldn’t have posted about it! lol!
      How does one pretty much sprain an ankle, with out dammaging their foot, in their sleep??
      I am sure the issue with the (ungrateful, lucky ) child is very normal. Me and my daughter get that way from time to time, she tells me I am acting just like my mom, which really burns me! Oh well, gotta love ‘um!
      enjoy the rest of your trip, silly girl!
      bettie

    • #17512
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      I am glad you were on those groups with me in the last few days.  It is always nice to have a chat.. What a horrendous night with the sleep zzzz but anyway today is another day and tonight i may sleep better!  Hope you have a good day today, will see you again soon no doubt..
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17513
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Woke at 6am with a hot flash, yuck! It’s over but now i need to rush and get ready for work. I don’t feel like it, want to go back to bed now. Head hurts, hungry. 
      Gonna try to make GA tonight. 
      Catch u all on the chat.
      peace
      bettie 

    • #17514
      bettie
      Peserta

      Morning all!
      Wish I was in bed asleep but I have to get ready for work. They are having a picknic after work and I can’t get out of it so I have to go.
      Went to GA last night. I guess thay work a step a month in the meeting. We looked at step 8 , list those your gambling has harmed and be willing to make amends. This one is tough, and I guess they all will be, but thought provoking. I know part of my gambling is due to my abandoment issues. They left home, left town, etc. I used them as an excuse (blaming) to gamble but "harm" them? I’m not so sure. I never stole $$ to gamble. I did borrow to cover debt but have repaid all loans. I did steal from myself and abused my credit cards, In that sence I stole, but unless i win the lotto, which won’t happen because i don’t gamble anymore, I couldn’t possibly repay that debt.
      Oh well, I’m no where near that step so i will put it on the back burner, and cross that bridge when i get there.
      got to get ready for work. Catch u all later!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17515
      rr04e
      Peserta

      Well done Bettie! We are going to move on and on and on with life. The past is the past and we’ll not fall into the same hole again. It’s nice to see you in morning chat today (night for you lol).
      Have a blessed day Bettie!

    • #17516
      bettie
      Peserta

      Good Monday Morning!
      Should be working out but too tired, lazy, and depressed. I will have lots of coffee and get moving. I am done with the hormone therapy, compleat waste of time. Has not helped in any way shape or form. I am so full of fluid I don’t even know what I can wear to work untill the swelling goes down. I took measurements yesterday and i weigh almost the same as 2 years ago this time but I am 5 inches bigger around my waist and hips! No wonder my clothes don’t fit!
      My brain is on pity party mode and I want to gamble. My ex gambling buddy called yesterday. She claims she called my cell to invite me to some big party Sauturday but it went to voice mail and she didn’t leave a message. Thats some BS as she said a few more things, she left a message, didn’t leave a message, just a lot of double talk. Bottom line, she didn’t include me but found it necessary to tell me about the good time she had. I didn’t question what she had to say, didn’t stand up for myself, for fear of chasing off my "friend". It’s a shame the female relationships in my life are not much different than the male ones. It’s me, something so wrong with me, that I attract such users and I just accept it because it’s better than being alone. Like I was all weekend.
      I wish my "higher power" would fix that for me as I don’t know what to do about it, my defect, that attracts users and prevents me from finding true friends, male or female. You all are NOT included in this statement, but cyber friendships may be the start I need, social skill that I am missing somehow, that make me like I am.
      just thinking out loud
      peace
      bettie

    • #17517
      howanan
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,  I had a "friend" for over 25 years.  She was about 15 years older than me.  She was my closest friend.  I just realized that this friendship was one way. Her way.  I guess I felt sorry for her.  She didn’t have alot and her daughter had nothing to do with her.  She never came to my house to visit me.  I always went to see her.  When we went out to eat, I drove and I paid.  I sent her cards for all occasions, bought her gifts for birthdays and Christmas.  I have recieved less the 10 cards from her over the years.  My gambling counselor told me she was a user and to watch out that she didn’t start hitting me up for money.  One Thursday she called crying saying she had no money to get through the next two weeks before her social security check came.  I told her I would put money in her checking account because the summer ocean traffic was really bad.  She said she wanted cash.  So like a sucker I drove in that traffic to give her money.  When I got there I noticed she had just gotten a hair cut.  She said when I left she was going to drive to the next town to buy her dog chicken livers.  They didn’t sell the kind he liked at the super market near her.  Well, you can tell I was p*ssed about this.  But I said nothing.  After all she was my"friend".  The next day she calls again and says "I need money".  I told her okay.  But I thought about it all day and didn’t take any to her. She called and left a message "where are you, did you get lost?  I am sitting here waiting."  I decided I really didn’t need a "friend" like that.  She has tried calling me twice and that is all after that.  And no she never gave my money back.  Do I have any regrets giving up that friendship.  I don’t.  It is cheaper for me not to have her as my friend.  I am telling you this Bettie as you don’t need those kind of friendships either.  Friendship is give and take – not one way.  Stressing about those so called friends can send us right back to gambling.  Take care,,,,,,,,,,Nancy

    • #17518
      bettie
      Peserta

      Well guys, must be a theme running here.
      Got a phone call from an old boyfriend today. He had emailed me yesterday as he basicly demanded that I do him a favor and pick up some chewing tobacco , 3 bags, and bring them to him, and to call him as soon as I got the email.
      To heck with that. I hit the delete button. He calls on my cell, while I was at work, and leaves a massage. Uh Bettie, this is xxxx, i don’t know if you picked up your email but I requested that u call me when u got it. I’ve made arrangements to go out tomorrow and pick my stuff up myself, so you don’t need to be bothered.
      I called him back on my lunch hour. He wouldn’t pick up. I left him a message. Hi XXX this is bettie. You called me at work, on my cell. I had a customer and couldn’t pick up. No, I didn’t get your email. I was out all day yesterday. Sorry that  couldn’t do you a favor in a timely mannor.
      What a jerk! I here from him when he wants something. I think back to the years we were together and man, he’s never done a thing to inconvience himself for me. The last time I saw him he was so rude to me I stayed about 10 minutes and left. He calls when he wants $$, wants food, want "companionship". When has he ever called me to watch a movie, share a meal ( That I didn’t bring or cook ), or just to shoot the breese.
      I am sick of these people. I guess i will spend even more time alone so I better learn to like me! lol!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17519
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Bettie, hang in there girl…you deserve so much better than these jerks are giving you.  I say ditch them all.  Wait for the one that is right for you and deserves YOU!  Love ya!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17520
      p
      Peserta

      Good on you Bettie
      You hang in there girl and dont let those guys get you down or the people you work with.. You keep going and hold your head up high!  you are a great support to others here, tomorrow is a new day and i hope it improves for you
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17521
      howanan
      Peserta

      Bettie, You dont need "friends" like that.  Be your own best friend until the right one comes along.  Treat yourself kindly and give yourself the kind of things you would a friend……..Love yourself just as you are………Nancy

    • #17522
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Man, my life is likw a rollercoaster. I no sooner get on an even keal something comes out of the blue and knocks the wind out of my sails.
      The poor folks on the chats last night got to here this but I must vent one more time.
      Stuck with service work all day. Last minute I get a "regular" customer that usually sees my co worker, and she has 2 months of unauthorized transactions on her account. At least 45 minutes of work. I don’t send her away, I do the right thing, work her case, so the asst manager takes the next customer and guess what? They come in with $100,000 to open new accounts. I get $17 toward my goal, she gets about $200. Today I will get my weekly lecture as to why am I so behind on my goal. My partner had $1600, Asst mgr, 600, and I only have $390. The stress over this is just killing me! I get stuck doing the right thing and I am punished for it. This is a no win situtation. No excuses, they are making their goals, I’m not. And they do not care about anything else!
      Well, a lot of this is luck, and as we all know, I don’t have any of that. I will call the recuting manager for the teller manager job to see if they will even give me an interview. I have little hope as I applyed last week and have not heard a thing.
      Venting done, need to get to work and make the best of it.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17523
      ddsroad
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      Sorry to hear that work is so frustrating!  I know what you mean about doing the right thing and the rewards not coming to you.  Well, you are doing such a great job on the gambling, this will work out too.  I always enjoy seeing you on chat.  You are a blast to hang with!  Hang in there.  Good things will come to you!You can do anything if you put your mind to it! Have great day! – DD

    • #17524
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Ok…Where are you at Bettie?  Don’t make me drive there in my yellow bus work van! 🙂  Hope all is well.  I’ll call tonight!  If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #17525
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Don’t worry Jules, I didn’t go anywhere. I should be going to GA tonight so I’ll catch the chat a little after that.
      It’s paul315/larry’s 1 Year clean Birthday! Be sure to congradulate him on this fantastic acheavement!
      bettie
       — 8/13/2010 12:37:33 PM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17526
      paul315
      Peserta

      Good morning Betty,
      Thanks for your kind words and thoughts.
      I woke up glad that I was alive today!Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

    • #17527
      female g
      Peserta

      you are recieving rewards the reward is the knowledge you gain from the experiences you go through.  You are open to learning and accepting the person you are.  You must stay true to you and when someone tries to treat you like a doormatt throw them to the curb move on and raise your standards and your voice to attract the kind of friends you deserve. You have many friends here and many more will see your glow and want to be apart of it for sure!!!!g

    • #17528
      bettie
      Peserta

      just getting ready for work.
      Made it to ga, had a little talk about feeling like an outsider and having not made a connection with anyone in particular. They keep telling me to call them. I have so many things i want to say but can’t get it out. One of the guys said "you should talk to xxxx, she’s a nice Christian lady." I thought to myself, thats the problem, i’m not. How will someone like that relate to me?
      Thanks for the posts guys, always happy to see them!
      peace
      bettie
       

    • #17529
      female g
      Peserta

      hey Bettie try not to under estimate the potential of friensship with this Quote " nice christian Lady" it could go two ways,perhaps she is just a nice person or  is needy only one way to find out. Go forth with confidance in your demeaner even if on the inside you don’t feel that way.  the  expression Fake it  until you make it or own it.  I believe in that ,positivenergy will always draw people towards you. Once they get to know you how could they not want to develope  a frienship with you. You portray a very nice self here. Just believe in your self we believe in you.g

    • #17530
      paul315
      Peserta

      Originally posted by bettie

      … How will someone like that relate to me? …

      Good evening Betty,
      Just got in from work and started reading some post from people just like me, CGs that I can relate to because we have a common bond. We may not share the same social backgrounds or same philosophies about life itself, but we do share an addiction. I can relate to their troubles because I have experienced them; they relate to me in the same way.
      Call the lady that you mention, you have a whole lot in common with someone like that; just keep in mind that you do not have to be friends or do not have to fit in the same mold — you are leaning on each other for help in recovery.
      God’s speed. Stay strong.
      p.s. hopefully you do not corrupt her and give her reason to lose her wings. lol
       Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

    • #17531
      cully21
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie:
      I am a Christian. Whether I am good or not is up to God and others perceptions I guess. From my faith and point of view, we all fall short and all sinners. Christ did not come to save the saved, he came to save the lost. More than likely you will find this lady has a lot in common with you and is growing daily just like you.
      I am not bragging, but my faith could have been broken a long time ago. But in an odd way, I know God and Jesus have been right beside me the whole time. They give me free will to follow them or to turn and seek my own ways of the flesh. What a merciful God we have to love a wretch like me.
      The bible is full of people who made mistakes. Look at King David. He lusted after another man’s wife, laid with her, got her pregnant, and then had her husband, who was faithul to the king, murdered. David payed dearly for the consequences of his sin never went away. But he confessed and repented and God took care of him.
      I highyly doubt this lady will be judemental of you. In fact, she will probably relate to you more than you think. If you have ever prayed to God and Jesus, I assure you you will get an answer my friend. Pehaps this is one resource he is sending you with his love.
      To my friend who accepts me the way I am as I do her,
      God Bless,
      Cully21

    • #17532
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Larry hit the nail on the head. The  "Christian" part is not the problem, the lady part is.
      As far as Christainty is concerned I really relate to Job, but must conceed he had it a lot worse than me!
      I really need to seek out some one on one therapy to sort out my self esteem issues. Someone on the chat today was talking about their "fat" niece and it really brought up some awful childhood memories of the ridicule I endured that tore me to pieces. The world is free to make fun of the obease, It’s the "last taboo". You would never walk up to someone of a different race and make a comment but it’s ok to say something to an overweight person. Just as non gamblers do not understand cg’s, a lot of thin people are clueless when it comes to the pain they inflict by harsh words and "teasing’, esp a child. Trust me, no matter how good your intentions are It is torment to that person. I had a teacher who would pull me and my overweight friend off the playground and make us go weigh ourselves in a coat closet then lecture us about how we didn’t fit in and that all we needed was to push our selves away from the table a little hungry and we would be fine. (She was a Nun, by the way.) Did she think the kids outside laughing their heads off accepted us any better after that??
      If you can’t be safe from the adults in your family not to hurt you where do you turn? Maybe you become a fat compulsive gambler later in life, who knows?
      G, Larry and Cully, thank u for your thoughtful posts
      just venting, I’ll be fine!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17533
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      Hows things, i understand about your post re the weight thing.. it is awful when people tease especially young about their weight.. i am overweight right now and i know i feel awful enough with myself for being this way sometimes let alone someone telling you its not ok.. my son has the opposite problem he can eat what he wants but doesnt put on much weight and i am trying to fatten him up all the time.. nice to see you posting and hope to see you on chat soon
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17534
      angela9761
      Peserta

      always remember, you are not alone, this site is for us and for you, there are people to talk to here, people who understand what you are going through because we have been there, some are still there.  Gambling and lies are a close couple, there is no way to separate the two, they work together and the bad part is that we just don’t lie to ourself but we lie to those we love and care about but that can be overcome and with time and a LOT of patience you will turn it all around but you have to want it and still thinking about going to the casinos is not a good start, bann yourself, give your finances to someone else for awhile, after some time that self control will come around, but don’t expect it to be quick and it will take a lot of time, the first place to start is to forgive yourself—-others will come around in time but you have to give them that, forgive yourself, vow to make a new start, you will feel better about yourself and your life, believe me, I have been there as so many others on this site. Talk to us, pour out whatever you need to we will listen and help you get through this

    • #17535
      bettie
      Peserta

      Beautiful Monday!
      Oh how I wish I didn’t have to go to work but glad I have a job, many don’t.
      Long day today, won’t get off until late.
      Just popping in to start the week.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17536
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi guys,
      So what did I do over the weekend? I went a little ebay crazy. Didn’t have much $$ to spare but never thought of that during those gambling weekend so what the heck? Right? A little treat. Got the last season of The Sopranos and two new workout dvd’s. Don’t ask me why I watch the exersize in the PC dvd and play The Sopranos on the tv/dvd. I guess watching people get wacked takes my mind off the sweat rolling in my eyes and the pain in my leg. What a treat! I can’t wait for the stuff to get here.
      Going to bed, hope to catch the chat tomorrow night.
      peace
      bettie

    • #17537
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie,
      I did nothing over the weekend.  Couldn’t even spend much time on weekend chat.  I’m ready for a good spell!
      I can relate to a lot of what you said.  I am the same at work.  Which is putting my job at risk even because I’m having a hard time making standards right now.
      Thank-you for your honesty Bettie.  This thread is for you first and foremost but it does speak to the rest of us as well.  It seems when we stop gambling for a while we start to deal with the reasons why we gambled.  I’m glad you are here with us, sharing your wit and your thoughts, while you work things out.  Sounds like you are doing some relationship purging.  Out with the jerks!   We all know you deserve better.  Hope Bettie is realizing it too 🙂
      talk soon Bettie, my typing limit is up!
      take care, laura

    • #17538
      howanan
      Peserta

      Ain’t nothing wrong with buying ourselves something we deserve.  I too have been on EBAY.  My dermatologist suggested I use a product called Obagi.  That is expensive, so I bought some on EBAY.  Also I bought a walking counter.  Now when I take my walks I might just go alittle further knowing I am counting.  lol
      How is the friend thing going.  I hope you are standing  your ground with them.  Friendship is sharing, it goes both ways.  I also hope things pick up at work.  But I can read you are a caring person and will go out of your way to help everyone.  Even those when you don’t make your standards. 
      Have a good Tuesday…….Nancy

    • #17539
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hey!
      What a nice chat! Everyone so up, I didn’t want to bring them down.
      Tried real hard to workout and watch the diet last week, This week, zip! I ordered new workout stuff hoping for some motovation. I hate feeling this way! I have to go for blood work soon and I know I won’t be happy with the results.
      I called one of my "fwb"s on Friday, 3 years anniversary of my "friendship" with him. He hurt my feelings so bad it was all I could get through the day. Long story short, he doesn’t want me anymore, or at least thats what he said. As soon as the wind blows and he need someone he’ll call, and I will swallow my pride and let him back in to complicate my life. We have been on a roll with song lyrics here lately and there is one that always gets me. "I don’t know that I’ve ever been really loved, by a hand thats touched me." This man doesn’t know what real lonelyness is. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Just imagine accepting someone , dropping everything, to spend a few stolen moments then wonder when or even if you’ll ever see him again. Thats my life, the one I want to run to the casino to escape from. I promised myself the last time he layed his guilt trip on me i would ask him to make sure that leaving me was what he really wanted, because I could make sure that that happened. Too weak, I just couldn’t do it. And after the speech on why we shouldn’t see each other he wanted to know if I could leave work early so he could come by.
      So how do I deal with the situtation? I eat, I avoid working out, and I complain that i’m gaining weight.
      I don’t want to be what I once was. I built a wall of fat to protect myself from getting hurt, to make sure no man would want me. Then what do I do? Lose weight and accept the worse scum of the earth because I should be so greatful that they paid me 5 minutes of attention.
      When do I grow up?
      bettie

    • #17540
      vera
      Peserta

      Bettie, Bettie, Bettie!
      I just sent you an e mail and then looked in here to read about this vermin you call your friend!
      He is NOT your friend Bettie!
      He is an emotion – sucker , who has no power over you, except the power you give him. It’s nothing to do with being fat or thin. It’s about your generous nature picking up lame dogs who cock their legs and pee all over you when somethimg better turns up, and what do you do?
      Drown your sorrows in the Casino…
      How do I know all this…?
      Because I did the same for years m’darling!
      What will you do with this GEEK’…?
      Chew him up and spit him out B!
      HE does NOT deserve you….he s a WORM!
      "What you are aware of, you are in control of, what you are not aware of, is in control of you"!
      Recovery is about taking control Bettie! You know that!
       

    • #17541
      bettie
      Peserta

       
       
       
       
      When I get where I’m going
      On the far side of the sky
      The first thing that I’m gonna do
      Is spread my wings and fly.

      I’m gonna land beside a lion
      And run my fingers through his mane
      Or I might find out what it’s like
      To ride a drop of rain.

      Chorus:
      Yeah, when I get where I’m goin’
      There’ll be only happy tears
      I’ll shed the sins and struggles
      I have carried all these years
      And I’ll leave my heart wide open
      I will love and have no fear
      Yeah when I get where I’m goin’
      Don’t cry for me down here.

      I’m gonna walk with my grand daddy
      And he’ll match me step for step
      And I’ll tell him how I missed him
      Every minute since he left
      And then I’ll hug his neck.

      Chorus:
      Yeah, when I get where I’m goin’
      There’ll be only happy tears
      I’ll shed the sins and struggles
      I have carried all these years
      And I’ll leave my heart wide open
      I will love and have no fear
      Yeah, when I get where I’m goin’
      Don’t cry for me down here.

      So much pain and so much darkness
      In this world we stumble through
      All these questions I can’t answer
      So much work to do.

      But when I get where I’m goin’
      And I see my maker’s face
      I’ll stand forever in the light
      Of his amazing grace
      Yeah, when I get where I’m goin’
      Oh, when I get where I’m goin’
      There’ll be only happy tears
      Hallelujah
      I will love and have no fear
      When I get where I’m goin’
      Yeah, when I get where I’m goin’…
      This song is by Brad Paisley and Dolly Pardon Titled "When I get to where I’m going"
      I feel this song alot. It makes me sad but lifts me up too.
      So much In this life I just don’t get, maybe someday…..
      bettie– 8/18/2010 3:53:42 PM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17542
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      You know we all love you on here.  You are doing really well with your gamble free time and i am sure all the other stuff will sort itself given time.  As for that man hmmmm grrrrrrr… well…
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17543
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      P, Laura, Vera, the list is endless. I feel your love, i really do. Too bad I can’t channel that love into love for myself.
      I am ashamed to admit that I did just exactly what I shouldn’t do. I tried to escape into the casino and as usual it solved nothing.
      I am sorry for my slip but truth be told I want to go again. It is as I always thought it would be, I miss having some place to run to when I want to escape.
      There are better ways to deal with life besides running to the casino, I know that. I have to work harder, I have to want recovery more than I do, I have to want a better life, a different life than the one I’ve been living because this one is leading to destruction. I am scared to leave the "known" for the "unknown". that little nagging voice in my head tells me it will never be better, nothing and no one is waiting for you.
      But i am a gambler, why not take the chance for something better?
      bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

    • #17544
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      Hmmmm, im gone for a week and what happens?  A man makes you feel so bad about yourself that you feel the only way to feel better is to gamble.
      You are funny, smart, and yes my friend, you are beautiful, inside and out.  HOW DARE someone make you feel less than what you are. Doesnt the addiction just love him…it is playing right into its hands.  I wish you could see yourself like we all see you.  Vera i hit the nail on the head with her post, i love that woman, talk about say it like it is, lol.
      You are worth, and deserve soooo much more.  I can only hope that one day you will look in the mirror and see yourself for what you truly are…an amazing person!!
      Take care, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #17545
      bettie
      Peserta

      So i get up today and what do I see? Yet another day that I have to pull myself up by the boot straps and face the day. Well,I’ll make the best of it. I don’t feel like going to GA tonight and don’t think I will. Need to find a gift for my mom’s birthday, she’s 75 on Sunday. I don’t want to leave the house, I want to wallow in self pity but I won’t. No one to blame for my problems but me.
      Kathryn, thanks for the post and I will try but I realize that I have been living with this self esteem issue for over 40 years and I have not delt with it too well. The "friend" is just a symptom of a much larger issue, one I have to face head on and stop running from.
      bettie

    • #17546
      finding_laura
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie,
      quick note to say it sounds to me like you have stopped running from it.  Maybe still working your way up to turning and facing it, but you’re seeing it in your peripheral vision.  Otherwise, you’d still be busy feeding the machines and not here learning with the rest of us, what we need to, to deal with the nasties that brought us here.  We can’t accomplish in a day what we’ve been so good at avoiding for years!  Love ya Bettie, you will get there, you are on the right path.
      Laura

    • #17547
      Anonim
      Tamu

      Bettie, Katherine hit it right on the nail. You are SMART, FUNNY AND BEAUTIFUL AND DESERVE BETTER!  Somewhere in life, you convinced yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy or wanted. (I know this because my brother told me the same thing the other night about myself.)    You need to quit the stinkin thinkin girl.  Love ya!
      If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!– 8/20/2010 9:05:06 PM: post edited by jules2myfriends.

    • #17548
      kathryn
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,
      While i truly understand that self esteem issues dont just dissapear, theres something else ive learnt….if you are told something often enough you begin to believe it! So ill say again beautiful girl, you are amazing!!!!!
      Take care, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

    • #17549
      bettie
      Peserta

      Such lovely friends I have here!
      Just wanted u all to know I’m hanging in there. Need to hit the bed but wanted to drop a line of thanks to u all.
      Party for Mom  tomorrow but should be popping on the chat ever so often.
      Hope to see u!
      bettie

    • #17550
      sherry123
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie,  I just read through your thread. Everyone is right…you are a very beautiful person and deserve to be treated with honor and respect.  You’ve grown so much since your first post.  Don’t let this ‘friend’ keep dragging you down.  If the way he treats you is a trigger to gamble that’s all the more reason to break that bad habit.
       

    • #17551
      bettie
      Peserta

      Thanks for the posts!
      It’s Sunday,Woke up fighting urges and will continue to do so all day. I’ve put it in my mind that someone, anyone will call and wonder what I am doing so i want to stay close to home. I will start the wash and work toward staying clean today, just for today.
      bettie

    • #17552
      sherry123
      Peserta

      ‘Woke up fighting urges’ is better than ‘woke up wishing I was dead’!  When I logged on to GT and saw your topic, I immediately started reading your thread because that’s how I felt.  Remember that feeling of the first day you logged on and hopefully it will squash the urges.  Have a great day Bettie. 

    • #17553
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      today has been tough but i think i am past the time limit that i would venture out so I will be safe today. Didn’t help that my darling daughter came over with a story to tell me about her and the bf going to the casino. He hit some beginners luck, as we have all been there. I didn’t need to hear that and asked her infuture to keep those stories to herself and that has just added to the urges today! At least she had the smarts to leave when he got paid out. As a confirmed CG I would have stayed, felt like it was "my turn" and thrown it all back and them some. She gave me cash to deposit for her. I locked it in a drawer so it doesn’t "accidently" wind up in my purse and on the road!
      bettie

    • #17554
      vera
      Peserta

      Is your daughter CRAZY Bettie?
      Does she KNOW you are a CG…? maybe, (obviously) she doesn’t realise the full impications. I hope she never finds out first hand! Was it safe for you to agree to hold her "lucky" money?
      I’m being very subjective here….
      Hope your mom’s 75th party went well…
       

    • #17555
      vera
      Peserta

      Is your daughter CRAZY Bettie?
      Does she KNOW you are a CG…? maybe, (obviously) she doesn’t realise the full impications. I hope she never finds out first hand! Was it safe for you to agree to hold her "lucky" money?
      I’m being very subjective here….
      Hope your mom’s 75th party went well…
       

    • #17556
      bettie
      Peserta

      Vera, The girl is crazy!
      I think she thinks since I banned I’m cured! Thats like taking an achoholic to a bar, handing them a beer, then tell them just to "sniff" it and put it down!
      I got over it but BOY, that was tough.
      Got news too good to be true. Looks like my mortgage is over paid. When they did the loan modification the took the deliquent payments and put them into the mortgage while the collection department sent me bills anyway, which I paid because they were threating forclosure so I am over paid by almost 5 mortgage payments!! I don’t believe it, just too good to be true but will hope for the best. A big break, and i could really use one!
      The party was lovely Vera, made her really happy.
      Well, off to a little cleaning!
      peace
      bettie
       

    • #17557
      female g
      Peserta

      hey beautiful, smart, loving, kind, intuitive, bright, Miss Bettie just thought i would let you know what others have discovered about you since you have been apart of this site. You should never be the last to know the truth but the first to embrace the truth and accept truth. Those that try to hold you back will never be worth the Anxiety you are left with.  Listen to us because we do know better.keep up the battle G

    • #17558
      bettie
      Peserta

      Thank u sweet G! Good to hear from you.
      Speaking of which, I got in touch with Miss P! It seems she has been ill to and not posting but assures me she’s ok.
      Just wanted to update, should be working out but sitting here typing!
      peace
      bettie

    • #17559
      vera
      Peserta

      Didn’t get a chance to speak to you in the chat earlier Bettie!
      My son (long lost) came home. Had a lovely girl with him. Hubby and I prepared starter and dessert for dinner. She and he cooked the main course! All very polite and easy…
      for a change!
       

    • #17560
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hey V,
      Maybe the girl is good for him? Mine is thinking of ridding herself of one she’s with.
      I stay netural until the fireworks are over. Whenever I like one it’s the kiss of death…..
      bettie

    • #17561
      vera
      Peserta

      Lovely girl but I can’t help wondering what Im missing…He sees himself as a loser. If he continues like that she’ll give him the push!
      Is your daughter still wallowing in her big win?

    • #17562
      bettie
      Peserta

      It’s sitting in her account-for now. She is moving next week and has no funiture to speak of so maybe she will hold on to a little. She has been going through $$ like water this past year. I know the BF is a druggie but it really doesn’t explain where it all goes.
      If I didn’t know better I would think she was out gambling. No sign’s of it in her bank account but cg’s are a sneeky lot aren’ we?
      God, I Pray, she is not CG or worse.

    • #17563
      paul315
      Peserta

      Good evening Betty, saw you on line and just thought I would post to you. I could use the chat room tonight; I have been replying to newbies and a few other post and feel like just posting some general remarks like the chat room gets on occasion. One thing that is in line with our exchange about strange disappearances and death in this area (and also related to recovery – can’t seem to get away from that; not that I want to).  A man that showed up at our GA meeting a couple of months ago for a couple of meeting has gone missing. He was an emigrant type person from Mexico with family in California but working the hotels here and of course gambling at the hotel casinos downtown.
      Anyway there are now posters up asking about his whereabouts. And the strange thing the made me think about your relatives association with the killer here last month, is that at the same time the posters went up the Coast Guard found a body in the river that looked like a suspicious death. Don’t know about the outcome yet, but the disappearance and his not showing up any more is a strange confidence. But we have newcomers not showing back up a lot, so his possible demise might not be the reason. 
      Seems like an unusual post, but I just felt like posting some different thoughts, thoughts that might better fit in with the chats about life in general then here, so thanks for listening anyway. The problem with here over the chat room is that it doesnt get deleted when I sign off and readers will have to just pass it up instead of singing off hoping for a change in topic on their return – it is here waiting for the archives, lol.
       Larry"Day Two Is Another Day Behind" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will continue to be  gambling free.

    • #17564
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hey Paul!
      Sorry u missed the chat! The body that i think finally made the paper was a 15 year old run away from a group home. Very troubled and sad life. They picked up a 20 yr "boyfriend" and his friend for the murder, SO SAD! There but for the grace of God go I………

    • #17565
      p
      Peserta

      Hey Bettie was nice seeing you on chat.  Thanks for being such a wonderful support to me i really appreciate it.. Thank you thank you
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17566
      bettie
      Peserta

      Hi Guys,
      Didn’t want you to think i got lost.Very tired all week! Worked real hard but no workout. Didn’t get my blood work done (again!) so i should have canceled dr appt. Got to remember to call them tomorrow. I have decited to stop beating my self up for a change and try to not think about working out or diet for a while. I am so discusted with the limited clothing choices I have right now so if I can just pick up a couple of skirts to hold me over I’ll feel better. I don’t know what is going on with my body, i can "diet" and workout but nothing changes. I am off next week and will leave town for 5 days, something my gambling has prevented me from doing for 2 years now! I won’t go "hog wild" but if i want a french fry i’ll have it.  Just feel the need to change things up!
      Hope everyone is doing well. Went to dinner with ex husband tonight. He told me he is in the early stages of kidney failure. I asked him what the h*ll was he doing drinking soda pop? He is diabetic now too and just couldn’t understand why i skipped the butter and rolls, got an egg substitute spinich and feta omlet and got sugar free syrup for the pancakes that i should not have eaten anyways. I tried to point out he was eating all starch, (even more than me). Pasta with breaded veal, chicken noodle soup, 2 rolls with butter, 2 glasses of cola. Then he justified his supper with the fact that he had only eaten snacks cakes (4) all day. OMG! What is he thinking?
      It’s funny how we justify just anything we want to do. I’ve been telling this guy for YEARS to put down the pop can. He has suffered with kidney stones now for just as long as I can remember and had a large portion of his intestine removed 2 years ago. I don’t know. No one can save me from me so how do I save him from himself?
      peace
      bettie– 8/26/2010 2:44:34 AM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17567
      bettie
      Peserta

      This posted 3 times so i deleated the last two!!– 8/26/2010 2:43:09 AM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17568
      bettie
      Peserta

      — 8/26/2010 2:42:12 AM: post edited by bettie.

    • #17569
      p
      Peserta

      Hi Bettie
      I dont think we can help anyone else to stop things unless they really  want to do it themselves, i know you are worried for your ex but it seems you have tried for a long time to help him.. I guess it is ultimately his choice if he wants to keep drinking that stuff, kind of like us with our gambling, there is probably no way we would stop unless we make that choice to do so.. I am happily gamble free Bettie and got through a week of monster urges and am so happy about it.. I hope you are well today and i will see you on chat this weekend at some stage i hope.. always love seeing you there
       P – Living and Learning

    • #17570
      bettie
      Peserta

      How do U spell Happy?
      V A C A T I O N! Thank u Jesus! 6 hours to freedom! Come on 1pm!
      Slow chat weeekend so far so I hope to catch u all soon!
      Tx p, u r always so sweet!
      bettie

    • #17571
      p
      Peserta

      Vacation Bettie?…. woohhooooo you so deserve it, i am excited for you hehe
       P – Living and Learning