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Back with some news…

He didn’t leave. He accuses me of all sins but wants us to stay together. He is absolutely not honest. I found new proofs he gambled just right after he moved in with me (didn’t say anything about it yet).
He had some bad days, I did my best to comfort him at that time. I thought it was because of all the changes (no gambling, new city, new job). Now I understand, his mood swings were only related to loosing bets…

Friday, I thought our story was really over. He texted me to have a talk before he would “disappear from my life”. I was calm and okay with the idea of breaking up.

As the discussion went along, he wanted me to say that I want him back but I never said these words. He wants us back but we don’t talk anymore about the whole gambling thing. I remained silent. I love him. He knows it. I couldn’t say that I want him to leave. I couldn’t say that I want him to stay. We argued about the fact that he took off all the barriers he settled. He was upset saying he is very proud of the efforts he have made since he didn’t gamble all his salary as he used to do.

Now he does everything to win me back (except taking actions to control his addiction), he acts as a sweetheart. It is so disturbing to think it is just manipulation.

I am ok but I have that “backyard” sadness that he doesn’t seem to understand. He keeps asking me why am I different and I keep replying that I am ok.

I am sad because I can’t tell him that I know since when he really relapsed (I feel I am avoiding that discussion because he wants me to give him a chance).
I am sad because I realize he is not ready for a change right now and I wished it was the right time.

Why do I worry that he won’t be able to pay for his transport pass and for his phone bill, he even couldn’t meet his friends during the weekend because he has no money left for a train ticket… I keep acting as if I thought he didn’t gamble anything… He keeps acting as if he didn’t gamble anything.