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    • #21686
      kathryn
      Partecipante
    • #21687
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      How funny is that, i post a new thread and dont write anything…..sorry i had to get off in a hurry.  So, i went to a g.a. meeting last night. It was good, i felt better when i left than when i walked in.  I just need the extra help so im taking it.  Told my husband and he said he would support me any way he can….and if youve read my last posts youll know that he loves gambling so not only was i surprised (to say the least) but happy in the knowledge that hopefully he wont sabotage me and vice versa. Anyway ill elaborate later, just wanted to pop in a quick post.One day at a time

    • #21688
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Everyone has gone to bed and i finally have the computer to myself…..time to post.
      The last 3 days have been very busy for me… As i posted earlier, i went to a g.a. meeting on Friday night, the first for many, many years.  I cried all the way there.  I nearly turned the car around… but i didnt.  I walked in the door.  It was one of the hardest things i have ever done.  I was proud of myself… I just told my husband that i was going, that i NEEDED to go.  Things were getting out of hand and i needed to do this….for me.
      He told me he was happy for me.  As i stated, i nearly dropped dead.  I think he realised that im serious this time.  I made the decision, not after i had been caught, not after i had no choice, not for anyone else so it looked like i was doing something, i made the decision for ME.  The meeting was very interesting, the concept was basically the same as last time i went.  There were a few more people there, faces i didnt know.  You see, last time i went to g.a. my sister was there.  Its very difficult to tell a stranger your innermost demons, let alone your sister.  I felt stronger when i left.  I can only go once a fortnight due to work but its a commitment im making to myself.
      The other thing i did was tell my best friend.  I tell her everything, it took me 2 days to tell her i went to the meeting and im in recovery.  She was shocked, saddened(that i didnt tell her earlier) and proud all at once. She will be a great support to me and im very lucky to have her in my life.  I also told my daughter, she is 18 on Tuesday (its Sunday now) and she was proud of me.  I always promised her when she was younger that if Britney Spears every toured here i would take her. Well guess what, shes keeping me to my promise…..she is doing year 12 (final year) and the concert falls in her exams in November.  So I have decided that we are going to see Britney Spears in Sydney, after her exams (im near Melbourne).  We are going to fly to Sydney, have the weekend there and go see Britney.  That is a real goal for me.  I have about a month to save for the concert tickets, the rest I can worry about later. 
      Im pretty excited.  I have neglected this girl for most of her life.  Its time i do something for her.  She is an amazing person and she was forced to grow up very young (my doing). I am amazed that she turned out to be such a loving, kind, caring, funny young woman. (Not to mention drop dead gorgeous!!!) She is my only daughter and ive been missing out big time…
      Im taking a big step in my recovery tomorrow.  Im going to the venue i have spent half my life in and im going to self exclude.  Im going to call in the morning and find out what i have to do then im going to do it.  Its time to get serious people… i have to prove to myself im doing everything possible to aid my recovery.  Im looking towards the future now, i have too much to live for, and i dont want to miss out anymore.
      Sorry this was so long, i needed to get it out.  Thank you to everyone for your support… its helping me more than you know, i thank god for this site everyday.  Kathryn
       Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21689
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hi Kat,  Congratulations on your success.  I am so happy for you and I can see you are happy for yourself.  You know, it is up to us to make the decision to quit.  Our loved ones can yell at us and get angry all they want but when it comes right down to it, we have to have that epiphany within ourselves to know and understand the "why’s" of stopping the insanity.  Great job!
      One of your rewards is going to see Britney Spears with your daughter and spending such valuable, quality time together, doing something you both love.  You know, my granddaughter went to see Britney Spears too.  Her mother took her and she loved it.  She is such a great performer and you guys will have a blast. 
      I cried too at my first GA meeting.   I was brave and stood tall when I first went into the room but when it was my time to tell my story, I could hardly get it out.  The tears that I held back for so long, came rushing out.  It was very cleansing for me.  I did finally get it all out and was told that most people do cry at the beginning.  If it helps, keep going. 
      Take care and keep posting.  Danielle

    • #21690
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Thanks for your post Danielle, it just reinforced me to do something i know ive had to do for many years…..Self exclude.
      I rang my nearest venue (1 minute away) and a lady i know there answered the phone. I told her i wanted to self exclude and she told me they do it there so i told her i was coming RIGHT NOW!!! And i did.  She took me into an office and explained it all to me, how it works, what happens etc… Anyway i told her i wanted to go ahead with it. She is ringing the people and then theyll ring me to organise a time to see them. I have to have my mug taken and fill out some forms and they are sent to the venues i nominate…which will be all of them.
      What a relief…i have taken what i believe to be the most important step for me.  I just want it done now so i dont have to think about it anymore.  I feel like the choice will be removed.  Words cannot describe the emotions im feeling, i guess im a little sad, at the end of the day i have loved those machines even though they bring me nothing but grief.  Its time to delve into my spirit and deal with the real emotions that drive me to gamble.
       Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21691
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Kathryn….congratulations on taking a brilliant step in self-excluding.  That was the one thing that allowed me to stay gamble-free.  As much as I wanted to go, I couldn’t.  I know that I could go to some extraordinary lengths to gamble, but I don’t want to.  Being lazy pays off!  I hope this turns out to be the best step you take.  You should indeed be proud of yourself for facing your demons.  The secrets keep us sick.  Stay strong, I wish you the best in your fight.

    • #21692
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Just wanted to let you all know, i have an appointment to self exclude tomorrow at 9.15am.  How wierd is this…..when the woman rang me to make the appointment she said she wanted to have it at the venue where i spent all my time.  I really dont think she is a c.g. obviously if she was she would realise how difficult it is for us to go to a venue and not gamble!!!! Anyway, im very tired from work….will post tomorrow when the deed is done. In reality i dont really care where the meeting is….just get me there and get it done!!!! Wish me luck
       Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21693
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hi Kat,  Glad you made the decision to self-exclude.  For me, it was the best thing I could had done for myself.  I have a different mind set now.  I can’t go because they will throw me out, fine me, maybe even arrest me.  I have too much pride for that.  I hope this step will be just what you need to stop.  Take care and I wish you well.  Danielle

    • #21694
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn…. I know you will be just fine.  Let us know how it goes.  You are doing great! ………..nANCYEveryday we makes choices…..Make your choice today a good one………..

    • #21695
      colin in brum
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn, well done!!  this threads only been running a few days and you’ve got to GA, told the people around you who need to know/can help support you and taken the steps to get excluded.  Really positive steps.  When you go to get excluded don’t take any money with you!  Then it won’t mateter where you are when you fill the forms out.  You are showing great determination and taking the tough steps that are needed.  Keep posting.

    • #21696
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Well…….I BLOODY WELL DID IT!!!!! I am a bit beside myself at the moment, i feel as if the weight has been lifted in terms of the temptation.
      It took about an hour, i had a lovely man helping me and i am so glad its done. My girlfriend (whose house i went as soon as it was over) could not believe how calm i seemed. And I am. I KNOW i have done exactly the right thing for me. Words cant describe how proud of myself i am.  I cant wait to tell my husband when he gets home tonight from work. 
      Another milestone today….my beautiful daughter is 18. Happy Birthday Bub!!!! We are going out for a family dinner tonight to celebrate.  Shes as dramatic as i am and has been having a fit for a week shes so excited.  We bought her a watch and had it engraved and she loved it.  Mind you, im buggered as we were up at 5.30am!  I also bought her an Edward Cullen action figure. Anyone whos read or seen Twilight will know what i mean. Anyway, im looking forward to dinner (i already know what im having and its only 12.00!) My mum, stepdad and sister are also coming so it will be great to see them too.  I feel this is the start of my new life, gamble free.  Thank you all for your support, it keeps my spirits up and gives me hope.  KathrynFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21697
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Congratulations Kathryn.  There are days when you will curse having self-excluded, days when you wonder if you could just go back and have them rip the paper up, days when you think you will go mad.  Here’s the trick…these days will come and they will GO.  My experience when going to my favourite casino to self-exclude was a very positive one.  I did not feel judged in any way, and I felt like the staff there were supporting ME.  So good on ‘ya, may today be your birthday as well – emerging from the dark shadows of a hell I wish you had never known. 

    • #21698
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Thanks marilee, i had a positive experience too. I know the manager at the venue and she was wonderful.  Said i had made a brave step.  She also said i was one of thousands to self exclude. I know its awful but i have to say that made me feel better too.  I wonder who the brave, brave person was who was the first ever???? I am using this as a birthday too, ill never forget it.  But as always, i face this demon day by day.  Thats all we can do.Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21699
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hi kat,  Glad your feeling so good.  What a relief it must be to be on this path.  There will be downs too, so don’t let them sway you.  Keep staying strong, one day at a time.  Before you know it, it will be second nature to you.   Danielle

    • #21700
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Good for you…………..NancyEveryday we makes choices…..Make your choice today a good one………..

    • #21701
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Well i had a good day today…I was home with my youngest (hes 5) and hes great company.   We went visiting my mum, did some housework, he loves to help and then i babysat my friends 2 foster children. They are 2 and 1 and can be quite a handfull.  They were so good, i sat out in my back room with them and they played and played. Then my daughter came home from school early and went and had her brows waxed for the big party on Sat. night.  Then i went to work….
      It was pretty busy tonight, i work in aged care, dementia specific and my residents are gorgeous. They are so funny, they love to laugh and i love laughing with them.  Im always dancing and singing and they love it.  They clap and cheer and get up and dance with me.  Its a real joy some days.
      Im still feeling very positive about my self exclusion….im a bit scared of whats going to happen when this feeling wears off… i know its day by day but i cant help but wonder whats going to happen when a massive urge comes over me.  Well, at least i know i cant go to a venue without getting the tap on the shoulder…
      I want to give a special mention to ray…hes given me a great laugh today and i really needed it so thank you… im still laughing now.
      Well i hope everyone is well and happy, I know i have been today.
       KathrynFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21702
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Kath,  When the urge comes, and it will come, remember how you felt when you left the casino.  Remember how much you hated yourself and how you felt you let your children down.  Remember it is impossible to win and you can’t afford to loose anymore money.  Then take the kids out for a little treat.  By the time you ALL get back, the urges will be gone.  Do not go out by yourself though.  Remember, one day at a time…………NancyEveryday we makes choices…..Make your choice today a good one………..

    • #21703
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Thanks Nancy, great advice.. its not really that hard is it, to find something to do.  Im just so used to going to the venue when the urge gets me ive never thought about what to fill the time with.  How ridiculous that i dont know what to do with myself.  Anyway, im heeding your advice, havent really had a big urge yet but i know i will.  KathrynFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21704
      raymeaux
      Partecipante

      Ok Kathryn,
      Grits are a the by-product of grinding corn into meal.  When the corn is ground, it is passed through a screen…the stuff that sifts through the screen is corn meal…the stuff that doesn’t = grits.  I guess because it’s too "gritty" to be corn meal.  This co**** corn meal is used to make a "porridge-like" substance.  I’m not a big grits fan…which I think is heresy in the South, but there it is.
      Now, one for you…after reading your thread…what is a fortnight?  I thought fortnight went out of vogue years (many fortnights?) ago.  People still use that as a measurement of time?  I could look it up, but I’ll let you tell me what it is.
      Ray

    • #21705
      kimkoziel
      Partecipante

      Hey Kathryn
        I wanted to share with u my experience with self exclution. It worked for me for awhile until I recieved some coupons in the mail for a casino close by.. I fell off the wagon hard and binged for a few weeks until I had my breakdown and came here.. I called the place that sent me the coupons after a night of hard gambling and asked them why I was sent the coupons and why no one caught me gambling there.. Their response was priceless…" We wont be able to locate you If you do not use your players card, We would of caught it if you hit a taxable"  I was shocked. This is the same place one year pryor that I had my picture taken at and signed forms pledging to never return again… and there I was. I will say that the self exclusion helps tremendously but Is not a "fool proof" plan. It is ultimatly up to you and me to make the right decision. It feels fantastic in the end. I enjoy reading your posts.. Keep up the good work! Best of luck in your recovery!
         10 days clean"Fight the good fight"

    • #21706
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      I thought id do a bit of reflection on my day today (day7)
      I got to have a bit of a sleep in this morning…my husband doesnt have any work till Monday so he was home to help with the kids.  Its a catch 22, i get a sleep in but then have to put up with him wandering around all day looking for something to do (it drives me mad)
      Anyway, he did wash my car for me which was nice. At 12 i had to take my baby to kindergarten and i asked him to check the water and oil for me ( i can do it but why do it when he could???) So he checks the water and oil and puts the bonnet down and then proceeds to go beserk because there are scratches on the bonnet (brand new car last year) I assume the kids have done it, its been there for a while but im not too worried…its a car RIGHT????
      So after his little tantrum i am WILD.  I take H to kindergarten and i have to go to the city to get some grog and munchies for my daughters party on Saturday night.  So as im driving in i hear the little voice in my head. I start saying aloud ‘trigger, trigger, trigger’ . The anger was bringing on the urge.  All i kept thinking was…im excluded, i cant go, they will throw me out.  I didnt go,  i went and got what i needed and came home.
      I made a big discovery today, not only was anger my trigger, but i realised i gambled to spite my husband.  The old ‘look what i can do to hurt you’, ‘im spending all our money’. How ridiculous…. i know what the outcome is going to be.  He’s not going to feel sick about it cause he wont know…im the one nearly throwing up, trying to work out how we are going to get through the week with no money! Thank god i self excluded, the angel on my shoulder is louder than the devil on the other one. 
      I dont ever want to have the embaressment of being kicked out.  I dont ever want to have that sick feeling in my stomach again, knowing we are broke.  Anyway, i passed the first test.  I know theyll be more but it was good pulling up in my driveway knowing we still had money.Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21707
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Good for you.  The urges do get easier.  You did recognize a trigger and next time you will be more aware.  Remember we must never let our guard down.  I did after 40 days and slipped.  This time I too am aware and on guard… NancyEveryday we makes choices…..Make your choice today a good one………..

    • #21708
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Well here i am on day 8…
      I have done a bad thing today…i took a sickie from work, now before you go tsk,tsk, ill tell you why.
      My daughters birthday party is tomorrow night and i was supposed to work tonight and im working all weekend 7am-3pm.  We are having the party in our back room, its like a built in decking…. so tonight my girlfriend is coming over and we are going to decorate it for tomorrow night, you have no idea the stuff we have!!!!
      I also need to do an embaressing photo board for her, you know all the nude shots!!!!
      Im sitting in this back room which is usually full of the boys toys and everything that doesnt fit in the house and im trying to clean it up.  I also have to clean the fish tank…i cant believe the poor buggers are still alive!!!
      So im not coping, i feel i have so much to do that i cant do anything!!! you know the feeling of being overwhelmed? I just go into meltdown.  Calm down Kathryn…..So i thought id get on and write a post and take a minute. 
      I dont want my daughter to be paniking tomorrow that the room is not done and we have to rush it when i get home from work. And i must say, i only feel a little bit guilty about the sick day, i havent had one for a very long time.  I did get the hubby to ring and say i had a migraine, god i hope karma doesnt come and bite me in the backside.
      Anyway, im feeling a bit better now, im not even worried about the gambling today, i dont think my mind can cram it in with all the other stuff i have to do. My bestie is making the cake, shes doing a high heel shoe, my daughter has about 30 pairs of them so i cant wait to see it.  It should be a fun night.  Anyway, im going, ill just do one thing at a time, mind you, ive got ALL day!!!!! Im such a drama queen!!!!! Hope you are all having a good day.  Ill let you know how the party goes.  Bye for now, KathrynFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21709
      videopoker_idiot
      Partecipante

       Just make all about you and recovery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whatever else happens isnt your fault!!!!
       VPI

    • #21710
      jamie
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn
      I have just been catching up on your thread. Absolutely delighted for you. I think it s brilliant that you had the guts and courage to go and self-exclude. A huge step and one you should be very proud of. I know there can be negative things about self-excluding but you focus on the positive. If it gives you something to think about when you have an urge(as it already has) then the time delay should help you think about what you might potentially be doing (as it already has!)
      I know you said in your last post about phoning in sick and feeling down. You have a big party to organise. That is stressful. You will have stresses in life. Hey, that’s life! But you haven’t gambled. Just felt a bit down! Great progress. Before you would have thought "Bugger this! I’m off!" Well done! Recognise stress for what it is! Stress! I used to gamble because I was stressed. Did it ease the stress? No! Made it a million times worse! Well done for getting of that stress merry-go-round!
      Take care!
      Hopefully talk to you soon!
      Jamie
       

    • #21711
      irish caroline
      Partecipante

      hello,
      from your post it sounds you are doing really great, well done sister!!!
      how do you feel? i hope you proud of how you are doing, you are giving me such hope for my friend too.
      one day at a time, and thats the route for every lifetime!!!
      C
       

    • #21712
      davlen
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn.
      how great it is to read how many barriers you have put in place to help you fight this terrible addiction!
      you should rightly be so proud of yourself. self exclution and telling people close to you are so important in that it will give you the support you need. i may have missed it tho do you still control your own finances? is it possible to give you husband control of this for a while?
      you’ve done great. please keep posting and reading.
      Regards Dave

    • #21713
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Hi Kat…it was my daughter’s birthday yesterday (the 19th) and even though it was smaller, I was still frantic at running around like a chicken with my head cut off (gruesome saying), getting cake, card, gifts, invitations, reservations etc.  Her father stands there like a nit with his chequebook out.  Anyways, I’ve survived another year.  I was surprisingly sad this year, she became a teenager and it hit me pretty hard.  She is my one and only, a blessing in my life, and I’m suffering from the "don’t grow up and leave me" blues.  Anyways, hope you are now resting.
      You are doing so well my dear.  Don’t ever be afraid of what is to come.  We only get to live this life one day at a time.  I’m glad you recognized that your anger is a trigger.  There isn’t an emotion in the book that isn’t a trigger for me!  Happy, sad, elated, depressed, angry….you name it, they all became a reason for me to gamble.  Congratulations, I’m behind you rooting for your success!

    • #21714
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      So hooray for me, im double figures…10 days.
      I worked all weekend and when i got home i was reading the local papers sunday magazine.. i read my stars and nearly died.  For all you Virgo gamblers out there, just listen to this…..
      You’re doing what needs to be done.  Much to your surprise, its almost working.  You’re nervous of course.  You never thought you’d do what you’re doing; you imagined it would always be something to dream of.  Now the fantasy is becoming a reality.  Life is getting intense- not least because so much is changing so quickly.  You fear it could all go awry at any moment.  That’s not going to happen.  This week’s solace is exceedingly encouraging, so relax.  Prepare for the future…HOW COOL IS THAT!!!
      Now im not normally supersticious, but that was pretty amazing i thought.  I know we can read it into any part of our life but im taking it as a sign, and a good one.
      By the way, the party was a huge hit, the girls had a great time (i did have issues with the pizza shop though).
      Marilee, this is for you…. my friend and i took the girls into the city for Breas first night out as an adult.  When we dropped them off i got out of the car and gave her a hug and then  had to watch her walk away.  I have never been so sad, proud and jealous (she looked unbelievable!!!) all at once.  Treasure yours while shes this age, i cant believe the time went so quickly and to think i was a gambling freak and missed so much of her life.
      You have the opportunity to make her teenage years ones of great joy both for you and your daughter. Dont forget to talk to her about everything (i mean everything) and you will have a wonderful relationship where she will tell you everything ( mine does) Im just glad now ill be here more to listen to her.
      Have a great day everyone, KathrynFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21715
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Kathryn, your daughter’s 18th birthday brings back memories.  My youngest is 29 next month and it seems like yesterday that she turned 18.  I babysat her 1 year old and 3 year old the last two weekends and wonder where all the time went.  I am so happy that I could ‘be in the moment’ with my beautiful granddaughters and not rushing in to babysit after being in the casino all afternoon, or tired from gambling the night before or planning on gambling when the kids got back.  Gambling robs us of our family life. I am so happy you got to be 100% there for your daughter on her special birthday!
      Great horiscope….relax and prepare for a GREAT future.

    • #21716
      linnie44
      Partecipante

      Well done Kathry, proud of you!   I am enjoying your posts too, you are helping so many as well as yourself!
      Hugs *life is good

    • #21717
      jamie
      Partecipante

      Well Done Kathryn!
      Ten days is a fab achievement! I am so pleased for you. Very well deserved! Also pleased the party went well even if the pizzas were a problem. You have come so far and given so much to others too. You are an inspiration!
      Take Care
      Jamie
      "A journey of a thousand miles begins witha single step"

    • #21718
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Today was interesting,
      My 5yo son goes to kindergarten, and every day they have a parent helper.  Its the end of term 2 this week and i finally put my name down to attend today.
      You see, kinder days have been gambling days for me this year.  Four hours of gambling bliss with no children to worry about. I have been dreading going to kinder….im not in with the mothers, i prefer to drop off and pick up with a minimum of fuss.  I cant be bothered with the bitchy mother thing… im so used to sitting at a machine not talking to anyone…mmmm theres a bit of a lightbulb moment in that statement. But i hate the bitchyness, its kinder for goodness sake!!!
      Anyway, talk about sidetracked….. What i wanted to say was that i had a terrific time.  I played with the kids, read them stories, sat at the kiddy table with my big bum on a kiddy chair and ate lunch with my baby.  They sang, danced and i took in every bit.  It was a lovely morning.  I also put my car in for the dreaded $400 car service today.  I didnt take it to the car dealer, i took it to a mechanic who does handbook services, i dont want to lose my warranty.  Anyway, he just called and the service was only $200.  Yay!!!!! Us c.g.s dont like spending money on anything other than gambling.  Thats why ive been putting it off.  Anyway, its all done, have to wait for hubby to get home from work so he can run me up there to pick it up.
      Thanks everyone who posted, its like opening a present when i know someone has posted on my thread…i cant wait to see who it is and what they have to say.
      Have a great day everyone, day 11 for me and at this very moment i fee fantastic.
      Bye, Kathryn Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21719
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Day 12 today?  You’re doing great.  You’ll have the memories of kinder with your son forever.  You made a great trade with your 4 hours! And owing half as much on your car service is an extra bonus!  Life keeps getting better and better.
      My day was work, make dinner and get on the computer.  Nothing exciting but Oprah is on in a few minutes and hubby will be feeding the cows and horses so I will have the TV to myself.  Hubby is not an Oprah fan!
      Kathryn, keep finding the enjoyments you’ve been missing and I hope you have many pleasant surprises.
      Sherry

    • #21720
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Yes Sherry, it is day 12 for me…yahoo
      Its only lunch time now but i have just got back from parent/teacher interviews.  It went well, master 10 is doing well, he is where hes supposed to be in terms of the smart scale.
      Anyway, i saw a man today that is (was) always at the pokies when i was there.  He would be drunk and pouring $50 after$50 into those machines, so was i (i just wasnt drunk)  But it got me thinking….
      I remember being at the venue and losing all the money in my purse and then going to the ATM machine.  On removing my money i would walk back in there like i hadnt been in there at all, like i was just arriving all over again.  Then i would lose that  lot of money and do it over and over again.  It was like every time i walked back into the gaming room from the ATM I was starting over and i hadnt just lost $100,$200,$300 (and the rest)
      What a weird feeling… it was like groundhog day ( you know the movie?)
      Anyway, just wanted to share that. I wonder if that man is still going to that venue (proboably) Im soooo glad its not me.  Have a great day everyone…Kathryn
       Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21721
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Kathryn wrote: I remember being at the venue and losing all the money in my purse and then going to the ATM machine.  On removing my money i would walk back in there like i hadnt been in there at all, like i was just arriving all over again.  Then i would lose that  lot of money and do it over and over again.  It was like every time i walked back into the gaming room from the ATM I was starting over and i hadnt just lost $100,$200,$300 (and the rest)"
      "What a weird feeling… it was like groundhog day ( you know the movie?)"
       
      Kathryn,
      I never thought about it like that but it is so true…  I remember all too well the anticipation of putting ‘new’ money in instead of the reality of what was already lost…until the way home.  I like how you described the insanity! 
      It’s afternoon there and almost bedtime here.  It’s amazing how the internet brings us, half a world away, together.
      Enjoy your day.
      Sherry

    • #21722
      davlen
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      Glad to hear you are still going strong. the first couple of weeks are nearly under your belt and you are noticing things that you never would whilst gambling. with the kinder club thing. do you think maybe you based your oppinion as everyone there being bitchy as sub consiously you knew your time would be better off helping out with the kids tho the gambling part of your brain told you it was much more rewarding and fulfilling to gamble?
       my biggest realization since my ongoing recovery is just how precious the everyday things are. i bought my little boy a present yesterday as i had said if he could be a big boy and go without his dummy at night then i would reward him. his face as i showed him his present was priceless! he felt proud of hiself and excited with his new toy. whilst gambling i would never have bothered to encourage him in the first place, and, its not xmas or birthday. why would i spend gambling money on a gift he probably wont play with?
      i guess what im trying to say is gambling makes us cyinical and only when we stop does our try character truely develop.
      The real Kathryn is developing and im sure you will become a person everyone will love even more, tho most importantly, you will grow to love yourself.
      great to catch up with your progress. pleas keep posting.
      Regards Dave 

    • #21723
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi Dave
      Im pretty excited bout finding the real Kathryn…. havent seen her for almost 15yrs (mmm i wonder if she will look like Angelina Jolie lol).  I wanted to reply about the bitchy mum kinder thing.  Im afraid its a case of once bitten twice shy for me…you see i did kinder with my eldest child ( mind you she just turned 18) and i was only 26 at the time.  It was awful. I tried to be friends with the other mums but at the time i was much younger than them and they didnt like it.  I was even on the comittee.  After the year from hell i vowed never to do it again, and i didnt!!! I also vowed never to gamble again and time and time again i did. (interesting)  Anyway, i just like to drop off and pick up like i said.  I have my friends, only one that  i tell everything to.  Im not interested in having coffees and chats about our kids.  I know that sounds mean but its how i feel.  Dont get me wrong, i do say hi and im friendly but these mums are full on.  This is my 3rd time round and im soooo not going there.  There has already been a letter sent home about a child that has allergies…aparently some mums were bitching that this child was getting special treatment.  The parents had to send a letter home and explain that he wasnt….SEE!!!! I cant be bothered. 
      Anyway, ive just knocked off work, it was a full on evening, but it went quick.  Day 12 DOWN!!!!
      KathrynFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21724
      jamie
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      Finding it hard to keep up with the pace of these posts due to my birthday weekend! Glad to see you are still going strong and getting a glimpse of the real you! Keep at it!
      Congratulations!
      Jamie

    • #21725
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Yesterday my husband worked a 17hour day, which is extremely rare…he then had to get up at 545am to go back to work this morning so i thought i would tell you a bit more about him.
      Although my husband and i have gambled together for many years, he is a wonderful man and i think i have been playing the victim a bit when telling you all about him.
      I have been unfair to him… he works so hard for his family, and every week he comes home with his pay and gives it to me..(getting my drift?) I would then go and gamble it all away.
      Yes, he likes the pokies, but when it comes to the c.g. i am the one who has brought us to the brink of despair.  In reality when we have gone, i am the one who says ‘ill just get more money’. He doesnt argue with me, im sure he is a c.g.too but more of a binge gambler where as i had to go all the time. 
      Now that im not gambling, he is not bothered, he knows i cannot go and is supporting me, telling me he is proud.  If he ever reads this i want to say.. Dames, i love you. You have been here for me all these years through good and bad (lots of bad). I am a lucky woman to have you at my side and i thank my higher power every day.
      I am thankful today, for my family and for all of you here at GT for helping me in my recovery.  I feel ive been given a lifeline, a second chance to really do right.  And im going to..just for today of course!
      Thanks for reading, KathrynFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21726
      linnie44
      Partecipante

      nice post Kathryn.
      Hugs *life is good

    • #21727
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Kathryn, it’s refreshing to read a post about a wonderful husband.  They are few and far between!  It took me two tries to get a decent one…maybe I was a lot more careful with my choice in my 40s than I was at 19 years old.  Glad you got a good one on the first try.
      I feel the same way about GT. I am thankful for this site and all the wonderful people.
      It’s bedtime for me so it must be afternoon for you.  Enjoy your day.
      Good night,
      Sherry

    • #21728
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      So last night i was on the site till 1am.  Does anyone recall what i like to call ‘pokie eyes’?
      You know, when youve been playing for hours and hours, watching the reels spin.  Im almost crosseyed, my eyes are stinging, and it takes a few days for my eyes to settle down.  Remember?  Well thats what i was like last night. It was funny, when i went to bed i thought ‘pokie eyes’, but then i thought, no, i wasnt gambling.  I wonder if anyone has any interesting names i can call it??? Seeing as im about 9hrs in front of the uk, the group therapy sessions are very late but i dont want to miss them.  I slept in this morning, master 10 came running in at 8.15, he leaves for school at 8.25. Oh dear!
      I went to suss out the gym today and it was closed!!! I wonder if someone is trying to tell me not to go? So I went op shopping (i think you call them thrift stores) and i found a lovely outfit to wear to the gym!!! (if it ever opens)
      Im taking my kids to the movies to see Transformers 2 tonight, the boys are beside themselves with excitement although Harry hasnt been to the movies before so i hope he enjoys it.  Brea is coming cause she gets a free ticket to the movies!!! Shes not silly. Im looking forward to it.  They go on holidays from tomorrow for 2 weeks and i have always dreaded them, still do a bit but im going to try and do a lot with them, even just a walk along the beach ( thanks Vera, it sounded so nice when you did it with your son )
      Anyway, wishing you all a wonderful gamble free day, oh and by the way, im 2weeks today…yay!!
      Bye for now, KathrynFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21729
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      I got a spare HOUR so I decided to catch up on you and it seems you are doing really well, I am sooo proud of what you have achieved to date. I takes courage to do what you have done and I hope that I continue on the same path of a gambling free lifestyle. I like your dedication to your husband, it is quite easy to blame others for our mistakes and found that I too would blame friends for my gambling, this cleary wasn’t the case… I love your daily updates and as strange as it sounds I feel I kinda know you. Its great to feel part of a small community that understands and supports though most of all I enjoy the craic (Irish-ism) take care kathryn and keep that sane mind, gambling is not worth it, you fell once and to fair I think that has made you a stronger person…
      speak soon
      Alan (Mr Purple)Players do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21730
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      I feel like taking everything about my husband back tonight. Stubborn, opinionated SOB.
      As you know,i was taking the kids to the movies tonight. And i did and hubby decided to come.  We went to the movies together, all 5 of us for the first time ever!
      The movie was great, master 10 cried a few times, his favourite transformer was not doing so well but it all went well in the end.
      So we had a great time, was driving home, talking all about the movie, what everyones favourite bit was and all that.  We were 1 minute from home and i made a comment about the movie that he didnt agree with, nothing bad i just said we didnt see a lot of humans getting killed ( for a change) and he went ballistic, saying i was an idiot, what movie was i watching etc etc. Brea actually agreed with me and he proceeded to go ballistic at her. It was awful.  I said to him cant we even have a conversation about a movie  and he said no and that was it. We got home and he went to bed and im sitting here with steam coming out of my ears.
      It shows me that we really cant do a lot together.  We never have, we have had seperate holidays, seperate friends, seperate lives. Yes he had forgiven me, yes he gives me his money every week but i can see us going seperate ways one day because whatever we do ends in disaster.
      Sorry guys, i just needed to have a vent. Thanks for reading
      Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21731
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Kathryn,  If you read my thread a couple of days ago, you will see I was venting on it about my husband.  I think that as the fog clears from our minds, we realize that must of our time with our husbands were gambling.  Now that is gone we have to find something to replace it.  My gambling therapist asks me everytime I see him how are my husband and myself.  I thought that was kind of odd, but after my posts, I realize that this was going to happen.  It seems all we had in common was going to the bar or casino to gamble.  Now that that  life is over, what now?  I refuse to give up on us.  So I have decided not to take everything he says and does personally.  Maybe he is having gambling withdrawals too.  It  does no good to sweat the small stuff and could actually send us back to the casino.  I choose not to do that.  Hope things work out okay with the husband………NancyEveryday we makes choices…..Make your choice today a good one………..

    • #21732
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,  Join the many of us here that are adjusting to this new life of not gambling with our significant other.  It can be challenging to say the least.  Those of us that did gamble with our loved one find it difficult because that is what we are used to.  That was our form of entertainment and it was fun at the beginning and quite innocent but as you know, it turned out to be a big mistake.  Now we have to find new ways of relating.  It’s hard sometimes because we are different creatures, us men and women.  We never noticed it before because we were too busy gambling.  Now it is facing us and we have to deal with it.  Darn!!   No fun, it seems.  Don’t give up, as I know you have not and just needed to vent.  This is a good place to do it.  Ever notice, things just work themselves out sometimes when you just let it go?  Works for me anyways.  Take care and have a great day.  Danielle

    • #21733
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Firstly, thanks Danielle and Nancy for your posts…very wise and true.
      I had to go and re-self exclude today…seems the one i did last week didnt cover all the venues and i had to go and do another one today. I took Brea with me, we had to do some shopping anyway, some stuff for her new job, stuff for school, hey, i think i spent all my money on her!!!!! It was nice to be able to do it without worrying that i wouldnt have enough left to gamble.
      So Brea came with me and watched me sign the papers and have the mug shot…we went grocery shopping on the way home and when i was finished and going to the car she said she needed to go back and get something for herself.  I went and put the groceries in the car and when she came out she had a bunch of flowers for me.  She told me she was so proud of me..wasnt that lovely.
      Shes a very thoughtful girl, that daughter of mine. Im very lucky to have her and that she turned out so well, considering…
      Anyway guys, im going to a meeting tonight, day 15 and i cant wait to say that in my therapy.  I hope you are all having a lovely gamble free day, i sure am! Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21734
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Kathryn, I had to laugh, not that your husband went ballistic and put a damper on your evening, but because I know how quickly our feelings of love and adoration for our mate can turn to irritation and anger.  Hope your husband is treating his family better today and a spark of that love is back for you.
      Leading seperate lives…my husband and I do that too.  We both work all day and he is busy with farming stuff evenings and weekends. Made it easy for me to spend all Saturday at the casino as long as I got home before him, he didn’t have a clue. He still doesn’t know how often or how much I gambled and I will probably never tell him because I don’t want to see his feelings quickly change to irritaion and distrust!
      Have a good gamble free day.
      Sherry

    • #21735
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      kathryn, I am so glad I read your post. I hadn’t even thought about self excluding! That is the best idea I have ever heard! I called my local casino just now to find out the particulars. They said I will have to go down there and fill out the paperwork in person. I’m a little embarrassed by the idea of having myself 86ed, but I will do it any way because I know there is so much more to be gained. After 20+ years of systematically destroying all my confidence and self esteem by compulsively gambling, a tad more humiliation is just a drop in the bucket. At least I’ll finally win something. Thank you, and God bless.
      Originally posted by kathryn

      Im taking a big step in my recovery tomorrow.  Im going to the venue i have spent half my life in and im going to self exclude.  Im going to call in the morning and find out what i have to do then im going to do it.  Its time to get serious people… i have to prove to myself im doing everything possible to aid my recovery.  Im looking towards the future now, i have too much to live for, and i dont want to miss out anymore.
      Sorry this was so long, i needed to get it out.  Thank you to everyone for your support… its helping me more than you know, i thank god for this site everyday.  Kathryn
       
      Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21736
      jamie
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn!
      Glad to see you are still doing so well. I am a big man and your post about your daughter has just reduced all 6foot4 and 16 stone of me to tears! How lovely! And how proud must you have felt? Both for inspiring that in someone and for the wonderful daughter you have brought up. Absolutely awesome!
      Keeg going girl!
      Take care!
      Jamie
       

    • #21737
      davlen
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      im not 6 foot 4 tho the emotional effect was the same. your daughter cannot possibly understand what you have been through with gambling tho she does understand when mum is doing something positive in her life. well done on re self excluding and well done on making your daughter the person she is! another step along the way  to realising what a special person you are. yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mistery. todays a gift cos its the present.

    • #21738
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      I have been reading and reading and writing and writing tonight, thouroughly enjoyable!!!
      Heres my question….what is an indian casino? I have never heard of it and im assuming it is associated with the American Indians.  Could someone please fill me in? Thanks in advance….
      Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21739
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn, an Indian Casino in Washington State is a regular casino owned by a certain Indian Tribe.  They are not government run and do not have the same laws and regulations because they are on the Indian Reservation and the Indians are a soveriegn nation.  Really not much different from any other casino except they don’t have the strict government control or taxation.  …at least that’s the way I see it.
      Hope your weekend is wonderful.
      Sherry

    • #21740
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      So here i am, day 17 yipee…
      Im sitting in my lounge, surrounded by my family, football on the telly, roast pork in the oven ( no swine flu jokes please!!!) and thought id reflect on my weekend.
      My biggest urge to gamble was on Friday night before i left for my GA meeting…weird i thought, but i went to the meeting as planned (took $10 for the collection plate) and it was good, im still not sure if GA is for me but im determined to stick it out for 6mths and then see how i feel.
      Saturday i slept in until 10am, i nearly died when i woke up and saw the time but i got up, made coffee, read the paper, my favourite thing to do.  We then went down to the local football, the weather was magnificent for winter, sunny and warm…the kids played on the park all day and i only saw them when they wanted a drink or something to eat.  We then came home and watched more football (we love football if you didnt notice!!)
      Today was market day, my step father sells vegetables (the best spuds in Australia) and ive been helping him for the last 8yrs.  It gets extremely busy. I was there till lunch time and then came home, tidied the house, vacumed the carpet, and then had a power nap on the couch.  I went and visited mum for a coffee when i woke up, came home and got the vegies for tea ready and am now sitting here watching, you guessed it, football!!!
      So i was wondering, how the hell could i possibly have time to gamble with all that going on? Now that ive read it back, i really have been busy this weekend. I need a weekend off to get over my weekend!!! The kids are on 2wks holidays now so ill have to keep them busy.
      Hope you all had a lovely gamble free day, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21741
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Exactly!  When I try to post about my days, I wonder how I found time to gamble.  Because gambling isn’t just the act of sitting on my ever-expanding butt, mindlessly pressing a germ-filled button.  It is scrambling to find money, short-cutting all of the "mandatory" things (like work or laundry), post-gamble scrambling to cover up the money you borrowed and lost, and now can’t pay back.  It’s calling bill collectors (or avoiding them), trying to decide if you will get evicted if you don’t pay your rent on time again, or lose your car because you haven’t made a payment in two months.  It’s making up lies to your family and friends about where you have been, it’s spending hours in quiet desperation, wondering if today should be your last day on earth. 
      Now I find that the days aren’t long enough, there is so much to do!  There is so much life to LIVE.  I don’t know whether positive things started happening after I stopped gambling, or whether I didn’t allow anything positive to happen while I was gambling.  But I am in love with my life right now.  Sure, things could be better, but they are still good enough.  The "better" part is what I strive for, while not losing sight of the fact that I need to live in the present.  I lost enough time to gambling, I don’t want to lose any more to regret.  Glad to see that your 17 days have arrived, you really are doing great (and sorry for not posting more to you earlier, just too busy!lol).

    • #21742
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      I have to agree with you Vera, im really trying to make up for lost time so to speak!
      Sitting and listening to my children, yes really listening, and talking TO them not AT them. Trying to make a little time for myself, usually to come on this site and have a read.  Im making a conscious effort to enjoy my days, trying to keep the little devil on my shoulder quiet for a little while (thats not easy).
      I still hear the machines singing in everything i do, theres always something that reminds me, a sound, a picture.
      You know better than anyone Vera the terrible thing i did when i was gambling, i dont know that i can ever forgive myself, but, im trying to have a better day everyday.  I have to put it behind me but i will never forget.
      I think ive lived over half my life, i cant imagine myself living to a ripe old age…i smoke too much!!! In saying that it is my  intention to make the most of time. Its too precious to be sitting in those stinking venues throwing my money away.
      I hope you are all having a wonderful day,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21743
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Best of luck Kathryn, well done for everything you have done to date! there must be some Irish in ya, thought it just us ‘Paddies’ that called potato’s spuds!!!
      good luck with the gambling free time, I am on day, errrrr, 50!!Players do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21744
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hey Al,
      Yes there is irish blood flowing through these veins…my brother went to ireland late last year and found records of my great, great, great grandfather. I cant remember where in ireland he went, he wrote to mum and it had all the info on it, i will have to have a look and let you know…to be sure, to be sure.
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21745
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      I have been on group the last 2 nights and laughed and laughed…so i thought id inject some humour into my thread, after all, laughter is the best medicine!!!
      We had a conversation last night about underpants (dont ask) and i called them budgie smugglers (tight mens underpants) then i thought…im going to give you a taste of aussie slang. Now, before you read on be warned…some of the words are a bit rude… now i know your going to read it!!!!
      Dead Horse=sauce
      Cheese and Hisses=missus (wife, girlfriend)
      Trouble and Strife=wife
      frog and toad=road
      couple of red hots=pots (the aussie beer glass)
      bold as brass=starts with a ends with rse
      braisen bits= starts with t ends in its
      niagra falls=mens apendage, starts with b ends in alls
      rubberty=pub
      pineapples=aussie $50 note
      snakes hiss=starts with p ends with iss
      drop ya guts=starts with f ends with art.
      I hope i gave you a smile today…my husband helped me, all the rude ones of course.
      Hope you had a lovely gamble free day and i didnt offend anyone..
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21746
      jamie
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      Hats off to you on your on-going recovery! I really enjoy catching up with your posts. They are always so full of positivity! You are a remarkable woman. And I loved the rhyming slang! Very funny!
      Keep strong!
      Take care
      Jamie
      "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

    • #21747
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I had an interesting conversation last night, and i have had a bit of a change of thought when it comes to guilt…
      I have always felt guilty, for losing our home, putting us in financial despair, ruining what could have been a wonderful life, for things i have and dont have.
      Well i have come to see that im looking at things a bit backwards.  I hope this makes sense cause im still trying to wrap my brain around it.  Ive really realised that it was the addiction working through me…not me in that i did not want to become who i became, a lying, scheming, thief.
      I have realised after all this time that i have a true addiction, it sounds wierd i know but it has made me understand that the addiction did this to me…not me to myself. (does that make sense, im not sure)
      In any case i am not going to feel guilty anymore, im letting it go, guilt is what makes us gamble, we dwell on all the things we have done and that little gambling monster says ‘good, you think that, and go and gamble and you can zombie out and I WIN!’ Im not giving him the satisfaction anymore.  Not to say i dont have regret..i think they are two very seperate things.
      I will remember the things i regret, to keep me on this path of recovery, but i am not, for one minute going to feel guilt.  I cant change what has happened, but i can certainly change how i think now.
      I still dont know if im making any sense, the words are in my head but i dont know if they are coming out right…im sure you will let me know!!!!
      Im living for today, for my future and the future of my family.  20 days today, i never thought i could do it. And for the one who helped me…you know who you are and thank you, i woke up a different person this morning.
      Wishing you all a happy gamble free day, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21748
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      I too had an interesting convo with the guys online (missed ya at the 5pm session) It seems that having this addiction is seen as a blessing??? I dont really get it to be fair but as for the guilt aspect, you are right, you need to move on, we are not bad people, I too had guilt, I am still ashamed of what I have done in the past but I am fighting to make sure that I will not make the same mistakes again.
      YOU can do this, this addiction will always be simmering away in the back-ground, we just need to keep it on half boil… I never thought I could cope with the thought of NEVER having an actual tangible ‘fix’  to this addiction but I honestly now believe that I (all CG) can work through our urges. I FORGIVE MYSELF, I am focused on my recovery and can already look back on my previous life and be thankful for GT and the friendships that I have found.
      Good luck Kathryn and enjoy your trip away, dont let gambling dictate your happiness!!Players do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21749
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi all,
      Thanks for your post pinkie, i am not able to think past today at this point…the thought of never gambling again is terrifying, even though i dont want to do it, i can only not do it for today and thats enough for me.  I have a million todays coming up and if i just get through one at a time then ill be ok.
      School holidays…mmmm…they drive me a little nutty.  I was so happy to go to work last night.  It was an easy night, cruisy, which was nice for a change.  The kids have been a little niggly towards each other this morning and im a bit tense, i have to go and help a friend clean a little house at lunchtime (we’ve been doing it for years) so i might see if she wants to have a coffee afterwards.  We both need a break, she has 2 little ones.  My daughter is babysitting both her and my kids while we do it so whats an extra half an hour?
      I havent had any gambling thoughts today as yet (its early). I have the day off so im going to go have a shower, have some breaky and tidy up a bit before i get picked up. Im looking forward to group tonight, its at 7pm here, i sat up till 1am last night and could barely put one foot in front of the other, but in saying that, the group sessions relieve a lot of my tension. I hate to miss them.
      Its 3 weeks for me today, i cant believe it…in one sense it has gone quickly as ive been logging on to this site every day, but in the other…. it feels like every day has been a week.
      I hope you all have a happy gamble free day,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21750
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Happy dance for your 3 weeks!  Wonderful!!!  You are such a motivator too by posting on so many threads. I haven’t joined in on the group therapy because of the times…I probably wouldn’t be much good at work if I was online at 2am. You’re doing great and I am so glad you’re here with us.

    • #21751
      jennyc418
      Partecipante

      hello it is 3 weeks and 4 days for me. it feels so good and i was so wanting to go earlier but instead i went bought myself supper and came home to play with the kittens…. well congrats and stay strong…. hope you have a wonderful gamble free 4th of july weekend>>>
      love jennyjenny

    • #21752
      erin
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn…Just wanted to stop in quick and say thank-you so much for your post.  I am excited about this.  I do have to admit that I believe I spent too much time on here the past couple of days, reading.  My boys kept saying, ‘mom, when are you going to get off the computer?’  I’d say, "Just let me read this one last thing."  Well an hour later, I’d finally pull myself away.  I really got insight from your post the other day about feeling guilty.  I beat myself up all the time.  I hope I can just let it go.  Take care and enjoy your BEAUTIFUL, gamble-free day!     Erin

    • #21753
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      Kathryn, I completely understand what you’re saying, agree whole heartedly, and commend you for recognizing the destructiveness of guilt. Blame, shame, condemnation, guilt, intimidation, manipulation and all those negative intangibles we’ve all been brought up to own, cultivate and utilize on ourselves and others is the reason why most people begin peddling backwards early in life. Ever notice how small children are at peace with the world around them until their thinking gets sullied by the negativity projected onto them by their elders? Until I became a born again Christian, I had no real understanding of how those things control our actions and reactions. Some would say that it’s important to feel shame for our bad behavior. I disagree. I think it’s important to have a conscience about the things we’ve done, and conviction to change the negative to a positive. Beating up on ourselves is counterproductive and can  cause us to freeze up, lose motivation and become depressed. You are correct that regret and guilt are not the same thing. We all have our regrets, but it serves no good purpose to allow regret to boil into guilt. At some point in healing, we must forgive ourselves or else we forever be the devil’s whipping post.
      Keep on keepin’ on…and keep the pledge.– 7/2/2009 4:23:55 PM: post edited by compulsiveme.

    • #21754
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Thank you all for your fantastic posts…i feel better knowing i did make SOME sense…
      Now i know you have all been waiting with baited breath for my Britney Spears news….YAY…i got the tickets!!! Im so excited, i do like her but more importantly, i am going to have a weekend in Sydney with my daughter.  We have never really done anything together…If you could have seen us this morning trying to get those tickets…it was insane..i was having a heart attack cause it kept saying to try again.  Beside the point really.
      I had never been to Sydney and this year will be 3 times!!!
      Ok, back to the gambling..no thoughts as yet today, too busy!!! im babysitting a little boy today, he is beautiful, i call him the silent assasin, he gets into everything and you never hear him. lol .
      I have been enjoying group immensly, although my husband came out last night and cracked it cause i was on here again… i dont particularly care, and im not going to feel bad because im finally doing something for me.  He will just have to get over it…
      Im working this afternoon, the kids are behaving beautifully (thank goodness) and im looking forward to another gamble free day (22 today)
      Bye all, and wishing you the same…
      Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21755
      daisy56
      Partecipante

      There is so much said here that I connect with and that gives me the feeling that I can start adding up the gamble free days and really do it. I am going to talk to my partner tonight, who likes gambling too and introduced me to it, and tell her what I have done today. Then I will work out how excluding myself is the way to go. At least I know she will be supportive. Thanks 

    • #21756
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hey Kathryn,
      Its fantastic to see how many people you are connecting with, it goes to show you that YOU are making a difference both with you life and others. Keep up the good work and enjoy Miss Spears, you may well be nervous about visiting another state, somewhere were you have the ability to gamble should you choose but I honestly believe that you will do great! Funny story happened me last night on my way home, I walked into a manager from one of my old gambling dens, she was like, "hi Alan, I haven’t seen you in a while, we miss you, then muttered well, we miss your money" I was able to have that 15 sec convo and walk off with my head held high!
      good luck everyone, I will not gamble today..Players do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21757
      davlen
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      im so pleased that you got the tickets. im pleased that you got them  for you and your daughter to have a great girlie night/weekend.
      im even more happy that you are on this site no matter what hubby thinks. you are doing this for YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      my mum is a very humble and unasuming lady. the one thing i remember from my youth that she said to me was.
      Look after number one cos if you cant, who else will?
      at the time i couldnt relate this to gambling. [i was about 4 tho even then i would bet i would be the first upstairs or the first awake! lol]
      Now i realise that i had to stop gambling for me.
      She also said make yourself happy and everyone you can make smile along the way is a bonus.
      what a wonderfull woman my mum is!
      its taken me 20 years of gambling and over 10 months in recovery to think of those wise words.
      it tells its own story.
      i love your posts, good times, bad times. always honest.
      Regards Dave 

    • #21758
      angel7
      Partecipante

      Well done Kathryn I have found your story a help and I hope I can have the courage you have shown. Enjoy your new stateof mind. do you think about gambling much and have you done anything else becaude you cant go in the casinos- such as lottery cards or such?
      smiles angel – Im just admitting to myself that I have a problemthe only way is up

    • #21759
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi all,
      I had a very busy day at work today…then came home to the grumpy hubby. Got to love it! Just what i needed.  Thoughts turned straight to gambling = straight on this site and feeling much better.
      Angel i just wanted to let you know that i do think of gambling A LOT. But never to the point that i would go, besides, i cant, i would be removed. The thought of that actually makes me smile.  I wish you could all see what i see when i imagine getting thrown out.  Hysterical (funny) then hysterical (crying!!!)
      I havent done anything in the form of gambling since i stopped 23 days ago. There are a lot of things that i know dont bother me in terms of gambling eg. betting on horses, sports, lottery, bingo etc.  Still, im not prepared to try it out. Its not worth the risk.  So im off to the big footy game tomorrow, im really looking forward to spending the arvo with my sister, nephew and my kids.
      I hope you all have a happy gamble free day,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xx PS- thanks to all that posted..you know it makes my day Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21760
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      Kudos Kathryn for reigning in those thoughts and redirecting them to something constructive! I get the thoughts all the time, my answer to them is always, "Shut up, devil!" It works for me.  
      Angel, like Kathryn, there are some gambling activities that I have never been interested in. I dare not even contemplate them as an alternative activity, because with my addiction, I know very well I could get interested pretty fast. Betting is betting even if it’s betting on an activity out of my scope of interest. It will certainly lead to disaster.Keep on keepin’ on…and keep the pledge.

    • #21761
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      Very funny, Vera!  That’s quite a scenario. Hmmm…come to think of it, I think I’ve seen that before. LOL.Keep on keepin’ on…and keep the pledge.

    • #21762
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,  I was going to tell you that Americans do not usually have potato chips with meals but sometimes we do with sandwiches and hamburgers if there isn’t a side like potato salad, french fries or salad. Biscuits are like a heavy bread that is made with baking powder instead of yeast.  I make mine with buttermilk too.  We usually have them at breakfast and they are especially good covered in gravy (sausage gravy or milk gravy) or with jam or honey. Yes, we Americans like to eat!
      Vera’s colorful story gave me a good laugh…especially since it was all in fun.  Not sure what happens if someone gets caught trying to gamble after self banning, but the ‘fear’ of getting embarrassingly escorted out is a strong deterrent.
      You’re doing great Kathryn!  23 days is amazing.
      Sherry
       LDG May 10, 2009 (Mother’s Day)

    • #21763
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Oh Vera, you know me soooo well!!!
      That was hysterical, i nearly wet myself laughing.  The perfect end to a perfect day for me.  I went to the footy, had a wonderful time and to top it off my team won.  By a goal…thats 6points, a tiny margin in aussie rules.  I am ho**** from screaming and sore from dancing…i danced up a storm when they won and played the team song. 
      Mind you, they played it 3 times. I had a brilliant time, it was great to see my sister and my nephew and my daughter and i laughed and laughed (until the score got close, then i couldnt speak!!) My son on the other hand decided to switch sides 3/4 of the way through…he was wearing a team hat and jumper with a jacket over the top.  He took the hat off and zipped up the jacket and said he was going for the other team ( they were very close to being in front). Well our team kicked 2 goals and what happened…the hat went back on and the jacket unzipped to show his colours. My sister and i were crying laughing.  How gorgeous is that.  There were 54,444 people there, a record for that arena and the noise was incredible.  The roar went right through me.  I loved it.  Anyway, im sure you can see that im excited we won… the other bonus is i didnt gamble (day 24).
      Have a great gamble free day everyone, cant wait for group next week,
      Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21764
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,  Your son is so funny, hiding his team logo and then switching back when they started to win. That’s a kid for ya huh? Well, I so glad your team won and you had a great time with your family.  What is a footy though?  Is that soccer?  Sounds like it but not sure.
      Your doing quite well kathryn and should be very proud of yourself. It’s such a great feeling to not have to worry so much about time away from family and wasting your hard earned money.  Keep up the good work. The urges will come from time to time but you don’t have to allow life pressures to drive you to gamble.  Good your self banned. It was my salvation too, along with this forum. Danielle

    • #21765
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Just reading through your thread Kathryn, and I’m so happy that you are finding is possible to enjoy life.  I’ve been on this site for about 8 months now, and one thing I see is that if we let regret keep us down, we are still letting gambling control our lives.  Shame, regret and fear are the three negative emotions that attract negative energy.  You know, we’ve done things we are not proud of, treated others in a poor way, lost material things along the way.  But we didn’t kill anyone, we just got lost to a disease for a while.  In a way, I see finding this site as my re-birth.  The chance to become again a person I thought was lost forever.  So scream your lungs out at a game, laugh until you wet yourself, embrace the day and the people who surround you.  Recovery is hard, but it’s a little miracle too.  Stay strong girl, life on the recovery road is fun!

    • #21766
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      Vera, I hope that voucher was computer generated or it would look like that is a little insensitive to tempt you that way. Gee…Glad you didn’t fall for it!
      Originally posted by vera

      Same thing happened me, Al. Was at the beach , walking a couple of weeks ago and met a manager from the "sister" company.
      He said " haven’t seen you etc etc ". I told him I self-excluded. almost seven months ago…He said "congrats, keep it up, I often noticed how much you lost and how little you ever won!"   I felt like shrinking and crawling under a stone….
      Later I was thinking " How come he doesn’t know, I’m banned??…" Maybe be just didn’t want to embarrass me by saying he did know. A few days later, I got a voucher for € 15 to go and play in " his" casino!!!
      The plot thickens!
      all the sevens
      Keep on keepin’ on…and keep the pledge.– 7/5/2009 10:07:43 PM: post edited by compulsiveme.

    • #21767
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Danielle, footy is played with and oval ball and it is kicked and marked (some guys get 10ft in the air) to their end.  There are 4 posts, kick in between the 4 and you get a goal (6pts) kick either side and its 1 point.  It is an awesome game, it can be extremely rough, there is no padding worn by players and there is quite a bit of skill involved.  It is also really fast…the ball starts in the middle of the ground and a goal can be kicked in as little as 10 seconds.  Anyway, i hope i explained that properly. I have a very sore throat today from too much yelling!!!
      Im having a lazy one today, a bit of housework and im going to cook a lovely meal, roast vegies and cauliflower and broccoli in cheese sauce. Havent decided on the meat yet, im leaning towards steak.
      I havent had any urges as yet, i babysat my friends 2 kids this morning for about an hour so i was busy.  Master 10 has a friend over so they’re ok. 
      I need to go and have a shower and scrub my hair…its a bit feral!!!!
      Anyway, wishing you all a wonderful gamble free day,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21768
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Keep up the good work Kathryn!  I envy all of you who can post and think of such interesting things to say!  All of you who have the ‘gift’ make the boards interesting and fun. 
      I am off to bed and glad the weekend is over!

    • #21769
      daisy56
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      Well done describing our game of footy! I’m not an avid fan and don’t particularly support a team, but I do think it is a great team game to watch. It is skilful, fast and has plenty of chances to score, so it keeps it exciting.
      Thanks for the time you take to write about your day and help us all remember there is plenty of good living to do every day.
      I am on day 4 of joining this forum and choosing to be gamble free. It is good to be amongst friends. I feel like I am coasting at the moment because I have no money to gamble, pay day is a while off, so it almost feels like cheating to say I am gamble free. But I know that everything I read and plan before the dreaded pay day can ensure that my first gamble free pay day will be just another day. My partner supports me, she will take my ATM cards for me and I will plan my day to be very busy. And I will keep reading all the great ideas everyone so generously offers.
      Thanks. Here’s to good choices
      Alison

    • #21770
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Daisy,
      I strongly suggest you pick the Saints to be your footy team of choice if you dont follow anyone!!! lol.  I cant find a thread from you so ill just have to write here…have i missed it…let me know if i have.  4 days is fantastic, if you really wanted to gamble you would find a way.. i was very good at that believe me!  Im so pleased you have a supportive partner. You are doing all the right things to prevent yourself gambling on payday.  As you said, its just another day and it is a good feeling when you get through it knowing you have paid what you need to for that day and have a little left over for yourself.
      I went and bought myself some really good face cream on my first payday after quitting…its meant to get rid of the wrinkles. Im still waiting!!!! lol
      Anyway, you are doing really well, i truly believe that reading and posting on this site is a blessing, not only does it keep us busy, i usually get a good laugh from it!
      Have a great day, by the way, where are you in Oz? (you dont have to tell me if you dont want to)
      Bye for now, Kathryn xx ps, Sherry, i dont really think im that interesting to tell the truth, i just never shut up!!!
       Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21771
      daisy56
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      I haven’t started a thread – I just jumped on a thread and wrote something and I think yours was the first I read. I haven’t really worked out how everything is set up. Give some advice about how the threads work if you like.
      My three daughters support the Saints, with their dad, who has supported them all his life, so I suppose that can be my team too – especially since they are doing so well this year!
      I live in Melbourne and love it. Grew up in Sydney and born in Adelaide! where are you, if you want to say?
      I like the idea of wrinkle cream – something to aim for!!
      I was interested in listening in on the women’s group session on Wednesday. Is it 10pm our time and do I just click on the connect sign. I got on to the live advice lifeline today to try it, which was good.
      Thanks for replying,
      Alison  (Daisy is my sign in so I have probably confused things!)

    • #21772
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hey Kathryn,
      isn’t it great that we (CG) can sit back and look at life in a different way now, as a gambler i had tunnel vision and thought of nothing else but myself and gambling…. As a ‘young’ 30yr old I now understand that there is more to life and gambling, reading your story (soap) I now apprecaite the simple things in life!
      Keep it going, one day at at time, I know your family are proud of you but you have freinds on here as well that are also very proud of what you have done to date!!!! even me!
      Good luck and keep eating those spuds ya girl yeeeeeee
      AlPlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21773
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,  Reading your posts, it’s good to realize there is a life out there where there is no gambling.  It seems you are keeping busy with the family.  We do need to fill the void of gambling with productive things.  Things we have forgotten all about when we were gambling and loosing our money and time.  My daughter is on a cruise.  Her and her family left yesterday.  At 9:30 this morning I got a phone call from her.  I was afraid to answer it.  She was on the boat in St. Thomas.  Her cell phone works there, so she called me to tell me all about the boat.  I am so relieved and surprised to get that call.  While I was gambling, we were not close.  I was always to "busy" to spend time with her.  I am much happier now that ever before when gambling………..Have a good day Kathryn… NancyEveryday we makes choices…..Make your choice today a good one………..

    • #21774
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Day 25…i went back and read my very first post last night. I cant believe how desperate i was. I remember the feeling well.  How nice to be here today, still a bit stressed, still getting lots of urges but not gambling. I could hear the desperation oozing out of me…help me!!!! I have been helped so much by this site.
      Thank you to all who take the time to read and post on my thread.  Each one makes me a little stronger. I truly feel i am on the right road and am so grateful you are all here with me. I think im a bit emotional today, not about anything in particular…..
      Im working tonight, im wearing my footy scarf…i wont be popular!!!! I CANT WAIT! Anyway, i just wanted to check in..i now have to go and iron a huge basket of washing.  Im sooooo over washing, where does it all come from..its neverending in my house. Oh well, has to be done.
      I hope you are all having a wonderful gamble free day, oh, and Alison, i am in Portarlington, on the Bellarine Peninsula, other side of Geelong.
      Stay well and have a happy gamble free day,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21775
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      Way to go, Kathryn! 25 days! That’s wonderful.   I’m glad you have been helped by so many people here. I want to thank you for paying it forward and helping me and so many other people. You are very much appreciated and needed on this forum. Your advise is full of wisdom, insight and is spot on.
      Blessings.
       Keep on keepin’ on…and keep the pledge.

    • #21776
      jba
      Partecipante

      well hi my besty i took ur advice and popped on for a look.. not sure wot to do really but i read all ur posts.. my god i am so so so proud of u!!! u r finally becoming my friend that i met when we were a wee 18 yrs old.. u just got a little bit lost for a while and now i read ur posts and am inspired, and i dont even gamble!!! lol.. i find it hard to understand how to help u but i will help any way i can, u can always have my 2 ferrals to keep u busy if u get the urge! in all seriousness i couldnt be prouder of u than right now, u deserve all the good that comes ur way and u have always been destined to do wonderful things and now i think u believe it yourself.. and for all those reading this your life must certainly be brighter with kath in it cause she lights up mine and my childrens lives every day and i think she has so much to offer.. thank u soooo much to everyone who is helping her because this site has changed her life and she loves it.. keep strong every one out there who is going thru tough times u all have each other..
      god bless the  bestyxxxxxxx love u long time   jode xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • #21777
      daisy56
      Partecipante

      hi Kathryn,
      I have worked out the threads and posted mine today. I just decided I would read your thread from the beginning and it has been so good to read. You are willing to give so much and show the ups and downs as each day goes, which helps all of us. I am not surprised you have such a good friend and lovely kids. It reflects the sort of person you are.
      My mum is in a retirement village and I so much admire the people who work with the aged. They are very special people, always happy and so patient, so good on you. Don’t feel bad when you have a ‘mental health’ day – you have earnt it!
      You live in a lovely area. I have always loved the beach, must be because I am a pisces! I have started walking again, now that I have so much extra time and nothing beats being able to walk along the beach and breathe in the fresh air.
      Take care and the kids’ holidays will soon be over! I know – I’m on school holidays, handing the kids over to their parents for the two weeks and giving myself a break!
      5 days and feeling good!
      Alison

    • #21778
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hey Kathryn,
      I hope everything is ok… I tried the ring thing last night but It didn’t work!!!!!!!!
      The fact you are having a rough time and still not gambling is a testament to how well you are doing. I have been fortunate to have some very good experiences through-out my pledge to quit gambling for good but i am sure to come up against a few difficult obstacles over the next few weeks/months or years. I just hope that i have your courage to succeed…
      Anyhow, I hope everything works out.
      AlPlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21779
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      I’m glad to see you had a great time at the football game. Thanks for the info, but I still don’t get football.
      You’re a real team star, doing all the right things to win this game. And, you are very supportive of your teammates. (That would be us!)
      God bless you. Keep on keepin’ on…and keep the pledge.

    • #21780
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Thank you Vera and Al for your posts.  And thank you for last night…i just needed to sit and read and laugh and try not to think about the news i had just recieved.
      So here is is….My husband and i split up for a while (nearly 2 yrs) after we had got married.  Brea was only 2.  We have tried really hard to make it work…and succeeded.  His brother came to see him last night, he had recieved a phone call from a woman, and, thinking it was my husband, she proceeded to tell him that she had a daughter, 15 yrs old and that she is his. 
      When i got home from work, he told me that his brother had been to see him..(after he told me to go and light a smoke!!) and he told me the news.  I am totally devastated, so is he.  A one night stand he says, i dont care about that, we were split up and i was no angel myself during that time. 
      Apparently the young girl wants to know who her dad is, and rightly so, but the implications for my family are huge.  I dont know how we are going to tell OUR daughter.  I have already looked into DNA testing, my husband needs to ring this woman and talk to her. We need to know for sure before we tell anyone.  I am an emotional wreck, cant stop crying, everytime i look at my kids i cry.  I wanted to be the only woman to have his children.  Up until yesterday, i was. i dont know how to feel…if i ever wanted to gamble it is now. i just dont know what to do.  I rang work and told my boss everything, there was no way i could work today. I look like something out of the swamp.
      Luckily my boss was very understanding, i dont have to work again till monday, thank goodness. I dont think i can concentrate giving medications in my state of mind.  I know for some, it is not the worst thing in the world, but this is my world and it has been shattered.  I am broken hearted, my husband thinks im going to leave him which is certainly not the case.  I have worked to hard and to long on our relationship to give it up now. I have told him so…last night i sat and cried and he sat trying to apologise.  It was horrendous.  He is saying he doesnt want anything to do with her, i know that is for my benefit but what about her. I am so torn,  i do understand her wanting to know her dad, but my family comes first.  There is nothing i can do until we have the results. We need to do that and work out what to do from there. 
      Thanks for listening, i feel like im in a movie..its so surreal.
      Take care,
      Kathryn xx
       Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21781
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      Kathryn, I know how frightening this thing must be. It is a shocking event, and I can’t imagine how I would respond if it happened to me. But, even if she turns out to be your husbands daughter, I doubt she would be any kind of threat to your family. Your family will stay together. I think if you don’t freak out, your kids won’t freak out either. They seem to follow the parents lead. There may be an adjustment period for everyone to get to know the child and reconcile with her place in your family, but I know you are a caring, compassionte woman and will not reject this girl. Has she grown up with no father at all?
      Please don’t forget that every time you try to make a positive change in your life, obstacles seem to appear to try to trip you up. Don’t fall for it. You can rise above this and not let it throw you off balance. You are doing wonderful in recovery. You have demonstrated amazing inner strength. I just know you will be fine.
      I am praying for you and your family.
      God bless you.Keep on keepin’ on…and keep the pledge.

    • #21782
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Wow Kathryn, what a bombshell!  You are very wise to have a DNA test done before you do anything else.  I know a couple of guys that found out they had a kid 15-16 years later.  Both had daughter’s that wanted to meet them. I think girls are looking for acceptance and love. At first it was a big family scandal and then a novalty as everyone got to know each other, took family pictures and talked about the past 15 years…but the ‘honeymoon’ stage ran it’s course and both send Christmas Cards but only see their new daughters occaisionally.  Guess after not seeing each other for 15 years, going 1 or more years between visits isn’t a big deal.  I feel so sorry that you have to go through this.  And Vera is right when she says …’for God’s sake…DON’T GAMBLE!’ 
      Who knows, maybe the new daughter will be a God sent gift to your family?

    • #21783
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      All I can say to you is hang in there Kathryn, I too am lost for words (shock horror) I dont want this to sound terrible or insensitive but you must focus on you and your family , Its not ideal to have this going on in the background but its times like this that the gambling seems like a logical thing to do……… it isn’t, it might help you forget about everything that is going on for a while but you and I both know the final results.
      geeeee, I think your life story is a film in the making K. I want a part………
      good luck regardless, we are all thinking of ya…
      AlPlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21784
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      So he rang her, the woman i HATE for keeping this secret for so long.  What was the good of it…nothing i tell you.  I have never felt pain like this and ive had 3 kids lol (just)
      So how is this…hes going to meet them on Saturday…they are going to sit down and explain to the child that they are going to do a DNA test.  HE IS GOING TO MEET HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      Needless to say, i went balistic..wouldnt it be better if we get the results FIRST!!!Oh no, they had a lovely chat, him and the she devil, laughing, everything is FINE. ITS NOT FUCKING FINE. How lovely for them to have the first contact, the first meeting of many im sure. I know im being a bitch but i do not care one bit. He even called her ‘love’. How wonderful, the happy family.  I cant believe this is happening…can someone please pinch, slap, kick me and wake me up from this nightmare??? PLEASE!!
      He says he didnt mean it…’should i have called her a ****???’ he asked me… YES YOU SHOULD CAUSE SHE IS ONE.
      Ok, ive had a rant, im sorry  but it had to be done.  We have talked a lot. We never talk. I told him he needs to start talking to me, all the time, about everything or we are not going to get through this. We also told our Bubba Brea. I didnt feel it was right if Sasha (the love child) knew anything before our baby girl did. She took it amazingly well. She thought it was much worse…jail or murder. I could do both at this stage…
      I truly dont know if i can do this. I feel so betrayed. He didnt know about it, i know that but god, this is a life thing. I dont know if i can ever accept her, shes not my blood, im out of the loop now.  The one thing, really good and amazing thing that I AND I ALONE had was the children. His children.  My bestie, Jode, asked me what i needed.  I told her i need it to be yesterday before this happened.  I dont know what im going to do. i am not coping big time. I am crying at least every 15 mins, he cant understand it.  I dont know what else to say.
      I havent gambled and that is a positive..i hope you have all had a wonderful gamble free day.
      Bye for now, Kathryn xx
      ps…if there is a movie made Al, Anjelina Jolie needs to play me!!!Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21785
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Im so sorry about the swear word…it felt so good writing it and i just assumed it would be blanked out so my apologiesFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21786
      daisy56
      Partecipante

      Good on you for saying you need to talk and keep talking and being able to come on to the site and start trying to make some sense of everything that has been happening, Kathryn. You must be going through so many different feelings about this information and what you are meant to do about it.
      I am sure your daughter is glad you didn’t leave her out of it all. She would have felt so confused about people being upset and angry and she can show you you’re her mum and a special person.
      Take care of yourself as best you can, one day or hour at a time and so good for not adding gambling pain to it all.
      Alison — 9/07/2009 2:25:33 AM: post edited by daisy56.

    • #21787
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Its great that you have your eldest childs support K, I know many other kids that would have flipped. Its not an ideal situation and I cant start to think about how you must be feeling… all I can say is that you have seem to have a great network of friends and family to rely on which is great.. just keep remembering that one single gamble  is not worth the pain and anger that you are feeling, I have been in situations were I have felt that by gambling, this could somehow hurt the ones that have hurt me!!! strange I know, end result was that I ended up the loser, not them. keep strong and remind yourself of this thread….. remember the title, GEEE, you should, you wrote it, "BELIEVE" Kathryn…
       Players do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21788
      howanan
      Partecipante

      You are probably feeling betrayed by your husband.  Even though you were separated, it still hurts to get this kind of news.  Why that woman waited 15 years is beyond me.  I know this is not your case but thought I would share.  I met my now husband when his daughter was 13.  She has never spent the night with us.  I think she has come to visit us 3 times, and that was just for money.  She is now 23 and expecting her first child.  We see her and her husband only at Christmas.  What I am saying is Sasha has her own life.  She is naturally coureous about her real father, but I can’t see much of a change in your life.  Gee, I think I would have to go with my husband when he meets the child.  I don’t like the idea of him meeting with that woman.  Are you planning to go with him.  Maybe meet at a restaurant or something like that. The DNA test is a good idea.  And I am glad you shared the information with Brea.  You have raised her right, to be so acceptant of the situation.  You are in our thoughts and prayers Kathrn as you are going through this.  Just think how much worse it would be if you were still gambling?  Stay strong………NancyEveryday we makes choices…..Make your choice today a good one………..

    • #21789
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      I woke up this morning……
      The birds were singing and….hang on, SLAP SLAP SLAP. Oh..thats right. Now i remember……
      I have a fury in me i didnt know existed. I am beyond angry, i dont know what the word is. And cue the tears….I am SICK TO DEATH of crying. I cannot stop. Dames came in and said "how are you?". He wanted me to say "im great", not a care in the world.  Sorry mate, heres how it is….. You slept with someone else and made a baby. He says he didnt know, my god he had better not be lying to me.  Vera, you hit the nail right on the head.  I could barely read your post for the bawling.. I am betrayed, in the worst possible way.
      Thank you for letting me know it is all right to feel this way.  I want to stab that woman in the heart. Cause thats what she has done to me. I told Dames, if i come up in the conversation, he is NOT to say that im ok. Im not ok and i dont know that i ever will be. I dont know if we will make it through this…its just another kick in the guts to what has been a lifetime of hurt.  One thing after the next…how much more can i take? It feels like the pain is never going to end.  Yes, we go through him meeting the lovely Sasha, then meet the kids, then, meet the family, then Christmas, then Birthdays, then wedding, then, grandchildren.  Well, HIS grandchildren.
      Thank you Nancy for your input, i can only pray to god that this will be the situation for us.  I dont care if it sounds mean…i am not going with him to meet her.  Found out last night that he is going to her house.  Apparently the bitchs husband is going to be there… Cant you see it, lets bring out the baby photos!!!  He told me this morning he wouldnt go if i was that upset. The fact is that i cannot keep feeling like this, i cant go for another week or month. Get the damn thing over with.  I dont think i could sit there, i would end up slapping her face.  I dont want to see Sasha. I have told him that when the time comes to meet the kids i cant be there, i cant do it.  I know that little girl didnt ask to be born but frankly i dont give a ****. 
      Dames is trying to be kind, hes being very considerate of me, checking on me every 5 minutes, making me coffee cause i cant eat a damn thing.  Thats all very nice but how about going back 15 years and not having drunken sex with that woman.  That is the only thing that is going to make it ok. Vera, i have been saying the serenity prayer over and over.  I cant accept this, i dont know how.  I cant get past my own pain to see anything else at the moment.  I want to curl up and go to sleep and never wake up and never have to think about it again.  Better still, ill go and sit at a machine and watch the reels spin until i pass out. No, i am not going to gamble.  He is not going to let this turn me into that evil person again. 
      Poor Brea came in this morning and i was a bawling mess.  I dont want her to feel that she cant cry or say anything to me because im a wreck.  I dont know how much to say to her, should i just tell her how i feel? I dont want to burden her with my stuff.  Her and Dames were in the lounge last night laughing and talking. I know its there way but it makes me feel im the abnormal one.  I think i need counselling.  I dont think i can get through without it.
      Dames just messaged me saying to remember i am his world and will always come first.  I know he is trying so hard….
      Anyway, thanks for reading.  Any advice would be helpful. I need to get past this and ACCEPT.  Unfortunately, that is the hardest thing to do.
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21790
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  I don’t believe I’ve ever posted on your thread, but want you to know that I am pulling for you and sending positive thoughts and strength your way.  It is painful to witness your rollercoaster ride of anger, pain, guilt for your kids and pity for your husband’s attempts at making it right.  Wow … what an unbelievable kick in the pants.  I’ve been reading for a couple of days now and I’m so glad to hear that you believe counselling is your only solution.  I think you need a professional, unbiased third party to help you to think straight.
      Don’t ever feel badly for crying … this is a grieving process.  The world you know has changed dramatically, the earth has tilted on its axis.  I can’t imagine your pain and I am certain that I would react with exactly the same rage. 
      I am so thrilled for you that you haven’t let this derail you … I know it would be a great temptation.  But with all the stress you have now, gambling will be the straw that breaks you.  Don’t let it happen.  (I know … MUCH easier said than done!)  Keep up the strength … even in your darkest hour, you are an inspiration to me.
      My thoughts are with you through this crazy journey.
      Hugs,  RG
       

    • #21791
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      I’ve always thought betrayal was an intentional act. Did he intentionally knock up this woman just to vex you? Did you feel that when you were split up from your husband you were betraying him by seeing someone else (if you did)?  What if you had been the one who got pregnant by a man other than your husband during that split up? Imagine how you would feel if he reacted as you are if the roles were reversed.
      Yes, you have a right to be upset by the sudden shock of it all, but the anger is not helpful to you and may be creating a lot of unnecessary tension in your home.
      Check your emotions at the door for a sec and be realistic. There’s a kid who says your husband is her father. So what if it turns out he is? Then what? Tear up the whole family with divorce because you are angry? I really don’t think you would do that. So, what’s the alternative? Crumble? I really don’t think you will do that either. Last option: Take a lesson from Brea. Take it in your stride and make the best of the situation as it unfolds. You can do it.
      I hope you’re not mad at me. I am very supportive of you through this tough time. My heart goes out to you. It’s another obstacle, but life does this to us sometimes. We just gotta get through it, that’s all.
      Peace, and blessings.Keep on keepin’ on…and keep the pledge.

    • #21792
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi compulsive…
      If the roles were reversed we would have never got back together bacause we would have known then.  its a bit difficult to hide a pregnancy…that is unless of course you are the lying bitch that decided not to tell MY husband that you are pregnant. Then decide 15 years later that its time to.  You know, she told him to tell me that she was sorry and didnt want to disrupt my family in any way. HOW KIND OF HER.
      If i had given up a child for adoption when i was 15 and they decided to find me and i had never told my husband i would expect him to react EXACTLY as i am. Betrayal…that may be the wrong word for it, i know (at least i think) that he didnt know about the child. I cannot, at this moment in time take anything in my stride. I am full of sadness.  Full to the brim.  And thank you for the advice on Brea, Vera, i know she doesnt need my burden and i will try my very best to leave her out of it. I know i cant change the situation, but i cant change how im feeling and that includes all the tears. I cant cry forever can i?
      I dont know where to start in terms of counselling and legalities. I need to look into things.  My brain is fried.  My eyes do look like 2 spoons of jam (love that) I could pass for chinese at the moment. I got out of the gambling fog, maybe i need to get out of the ‘your husband has a child to someone else’ fog and see how i go 
       Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21793
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      Okay, good. You’re starting to come out of the fog and think how to deal with this situation logically and reasonably. Once the initial trauma wears off, you will quit crying, and still be standing. Tomorrow will be a better day.
      Shalom. (It means "nothing lost; nothing broken.")Keep on keepin’ on…and keep the pledge.

    • #21794
      daisy56
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      Just wanted to say hope you are being kind to yourself and taking little steps to help get through the thousand thoughts going through your mind. You know how much you have put in over the years to build a life for yourself and your family and that is still there. I won’t say more as I don’t want to presume anything, but I do know how much you give to people here so give to yourself too.
      I also will let you know I have an appointment tomorrow to organise self exclusion and counselling as well if I want. I’m actually looking forward to it. Thanks for your support.
      Take care
      Alison

    • #21795
      raymeaux
      Partecipante

      Kathryn,
      Guys are definitely not the best advice/support givers to woman that are an emotional wreck.  But, it’s in some of our natures to at least give it an attempt.  So, I hope you will look past my "logical guy way of thinking" and be able to take away from my post the comfort that I intend for it to give.
      I have a strong faith in God.  I don’t always comport myself in a way that reflects the truths that I believe from His word, but I never doubt the validity of those truths and strive to be better when I allow them to take center stage in my consciousness. 
      So, here’s what I’ve got for you…if you are willing to accept it.
      Everything happens in God’s timing and there is always a reason.  Believe me, I’ve had many a disagreement with God over things that He’s put in my path…but, I’ve always been able to look back at those trials, and if nothing else, see the sense in the "timing".  You say that it would have been better if you would have known about this child BEFORE you and your husband did all of the hard work to strengthen your relationship.  Do you really believe that?  Does knowing about this child diminish what you two have built together?  Would it have been easier to "chuck it all" at the first moment of the challenges you faced to get to where you are in your relationship, had you known about the child?  Would it have been better to find out about this child while you were still knee deep in your addiction?
      I guess what I am trying to say is that your mariaige is strong enough to handle this news.  Your sobriety is strong enough to handle this news.  YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE THIS NEWS.  And I hope your husband, your daughter and (selfishly) all of us get to see God’s strength work in you as you get through this difficult trial.  Because, I have faith in God and I have faith in you, Kathryn.
      Now, you can go back to venting your raw emotions…I know it helps and I’m not trying to discourage you from coming in here wounded and bleeding your feelings out on these pages.   I hope it helps to know that you don’t have to be strong on your own and that God has also placed this forum in your path during a time in your life where it can be a well from which you can draw upon. 
      I hope I haven’t offended you with my beliefs. 
      I’d give you a big hug (even though my shirt would get all wet).
      Ray

    • #21796
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I dont know where to start this time.  Firstly to Alison, i am so pleased you are going to self exclude, it was the best thing i ever did and i hope you confront it with a sense of pride.  You should be so proud of yourself..it is a big step but i believe (at least for me) that it is a necessary one.
      Compulsive, i have to admit, i was very angry when i read your post.  Why shouldnt i be angry? The life i thought i had with my family is gone….then i read it again…there is no productive use for anger.  I am not saying that im still not feeling it, but my life with my family is NOT gone.  I have a tendancy to withdraw when things are going awry, and my god, they are going awry at the moment.  Im still having trouble grasping it, it has only been 2 days so im not expecting a miracle.  I have at least stopped crying. So Ray, your t-shirt is safe.
      Ray, you and my best friend have the same belief.  She keeps saying ‘everything happens for a reason’. I KNOW she is right, it is just soooo hard to think of what possible reason this could be. What i do know is this, Jodie said to me today that if i had of known, we would never have got back together, and we wouldnt have our beautiful boys..she is right.  I am trying to stop playing the victim here and have a bit of control…Dames and i talked a bit tonight and i told him that i could not agree to any more contact until after the DNA test had been done and i didnt know how long after that.  Everything has just moved so fast…
      He said that he was telling them that very thing, i was not so sure, you are a yes man. Not this time he says. We will see.  He also came home with a huge bunch of flowers, he has NEVER bought me flowers in all the years we have been together.  I had to be smart didnt i….’ Well, you always said i would know when something bad had happened cause you would buy me flowers’.  I have to say, it felt good, much to my regret.
      Saturday is going to be the killer for me when he leaves to go up and meet her.  I cant even think about it at this stage… you all know how my mind works and i have some horrific images going on in there. He will fall in love with her at first sight, they’ll be cuddles and tears, he wont be able to leave there, it goes on and on and on. I know it is soooo mean, and i will go to hell for it, but i dont want him to like her.  I know i will ask him every question known to man when he comes home…i need to know everything, and i know its not what i want to hear.  But i need to know the truth, otherwise i will never be able to accept the reality of whatever this meeting will bring.
      So down to Ray, i have not taken one bit of offence to your post, in fact i thought it was very kind.  I am starting to feel (just the tiniest bit) that i might get through this, that our marriage might get through, that i will start to believe that there is a reason for this.  As the days go on, im sure i will be on here calling him for everything, but if i can heal just a little bit every day, i might be alright.
      Lastly, words of wisdom from my beautiful, talented, amazing, mature daughter….she said to me tonight, you will always be our mum, and nothing in the world is ever going to change that.  I said to her that i wasnt the only mum in his life anymore and she said, you are the only mum in ours…(now im crying…bugger)
      How lucky am i? Thanks for reading, Kathryn xx
       Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21797
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Each day will get easier Kathryn.  As you accept what may be, then you will realize it is just another part of life.  I too believe in what Rays says.  There is a reason why God does what he does.  Be still and hear the voice of God.  Keep strong………NancyLife isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

    • #21798
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      I feel sick to my stomach today…tomorrow hes going to see them.  I have just had a big talk with my girl, i asker her how she really felt about it..she is taking it in her stride, she just wants to know for sure, as do i and i think once we do we can move forward.  I also talked about the things that might happen with this child, the visit and all that.  I have told her that no matter what, she needs to do what is right for her. I dont want her doing or not doing what she wants because she will hurt my feelings.  Regardless of what happens, i am hurt, and i told her that but i also told her that i WOULD be alright. It is all about her and what she wants to happen and when.  I also said that she would be a part of any discussion in regards to the kids visiting the girl.
      I am going to see my sister tonight, for tea and to tell her whats going on.  I have told Dames i am going to my GA meeting, he is a private person and wouldnt want me to say anything but i have to talk to my sister.  As with recovery, i am doing what i need to do. After that im coming home to talk to him.  I need to find out what he plans to say, what he will say about my family.  I dont want them to know that Brea knows, i feel it will open a can of worms and im not prepared for me or Brea to be put in a position she does not want to be in.  We dont even know if the test will come back positive yet and i dont want anything else planned, 1.without my input and 2.until we know for sure.
      I asked Dames last night what the slut/mother looked like.  He told me she was fat and ugly.  I said i didnt believe him and then he said there is a photo of her at his brothers.  When she faxed the photo of the girl, there was a photo of her as well.  I need to see that photo. I need that woman to be fat and ugly.  I need to ease my mind that she is not a blonde, gorgeous skinny thing.  I do see her as a threat, i know she is married, but i know the other women will understand, its a vanity thing.  I need to be better than her.  Make sense…hmmmm maybe i am going crazy.
      Anyway, you will all be pleased to know that i havent shed a tear today.  Im saving them up for tomorrow!!!!
      Again, thanks to all of you who posted, it keeps me busy and i do believe my insanity may just be helping you not think about your gambling…..isnt it better when someone has a drama you can focus on!!!!have a great day all, you are all my friends and i am truly grateful
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21799
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      Hello Kathryn,
        I’m glad things are looking brighter. I wish you all the best.
      ChrisKeep on keepin’ on…and keep the pledge.

    • #21800
      daisy56
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      It is good seeing you write down how things are going as you work through everything that is happening. It can help you see what is important to focus on amidst the hurt; being able to talk to your daughter and your sister and your husband and taking the time to come on here and try to explain it all. Some of the anger will go with each time you describe how you feel.
      Keep on being kind to yourself as much as you can and remembering all the good stuff you do and how well you are doing. As you said you will be alright.
      Thanks for your comments to me about self excluding. I went along this morning, talked about it and signed the papers! It went really well and I signed for the maximum time of 2 years. As I said when he asked how long – I’m not going anymore so give me the most time I can. I felt strong and certain that it was the right choice. He also gave me a contact for counselling so I will ring to organise that. I am going to do everything that is offered to make sure I do this properly. I did feel a little sad or some sort of feeling as I was driving home that it was all over, but I have felt so much more alive and happy this week. On to new ways to fill our lives. Thank you so much for encouraging me and being generous with your advice.
      Take care and thinking of you tomorrow.
      Alison

    • #21801
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hello Kathryn,  I’v been following your thread but have had a hard time finding the words to express how I feel about your situation.  I know how difficult today must be for you and I do hope that things will be resolved in a way that makes you feel okay about this problem. I would be in shock too, however, time does heal.  It may not seem so at the time.  Maybe this child is not his but maybe it is.  You can’t know for sure until the DNA tests come back. This is so sad for everyone involved. Hang in there Kathryn.  You have proven just how strong you are by giving up gambling, now you can prove your strength again by getting through this horrible situation.  Remember, adversity is our best teacher. (darn, I hate adversity!!)    Danielle

    • #21802
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,  I’m glad you are looking at this situation through all the angles.  By the time the DNA test come back, you will be able to handle whatever the results are.  Know one knows what they would do in your situation.  You just have to follow your heart.  If God took you to this, He will walk you through this.  That is my motto.  I will be thinking about you tomorrow.  Maybe you should find something to do that will take your mind off that meeting tomorrow.  Please stay strong.  Remember your husband is going through all this also.  You are not alone…………NancyLife isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

    • #21803
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Holy smokes!  I missed a few days, and logged on to find this bombshell.  I’ve read and re-read the posts about your current situation.  I do not want to cause you any distress beyond what you are currently feeling, but I do want to post my thoughts.  First of all, please remember that all of us offer our support through our own eyes and experiences.  It often colors how we respond, how we see a situation.  No one has exactly your experience, and so comments may be a little off base.  If that is the case with my post, please know that I do not intend to hurt you.
      When I read the story, I see two very strong things.  One, the affair happened at a time when you were not together with your husband, and you do not in fact blame him for this situation.  Secondly, this woman is now married.  Your fears seem to be that hubby will walk into a situation, see doves fly and angels sing, and run away to have a wonderful "family" life with this woman and the girl.  In fact, your fear is that this will happen the moment the door opens.  But here are some things that you don’t know yet:
      When the door opens, will the woman and her husband be standing there?  Do they have a strong relationship?  Why did she keep the child a secret?  Has he always known the child wasn’t his?  Has the child always known this man wasn’t her father?  How long have they been married?  Was the child raised as theirs?  Would the woman have been content to keep this a secret all of her life except that her child needs to know who her father is?  Does the child have medical issues where it is important for her and her family to understand your husband’s background?  Have the family been through many things to get to this stage?  Have they had long late night conversations about what the "right" thing to do was?  Have they been to counselling?  Are they prepared for the impact of this meeting?  Is she an only child, and wants desperately to have a sibling (Brea)? 
      You are feeling tremendously threatened right now.  That is evident in your description of the child’s mother as a slut.  You obsess about what she looks like.  I understand that when you feel so out of control, you need to focus your anger and anxiety on a target.  But you don’t know what this woman went through 15 years ago.  Perhaps she let your husband go because she knew his heart lay with you and your daughter.  Perhaps it was a one night stand, and she had many…and truly did not know who the father was.  Perhaps she was ashamed of the liaison.  Did she have to tell her parents and friends…was she shunned, cut off, left to raise the child on her own?  I am NOT trying to paint a sympathetic portrait of her, I am just trying to point out that right now you have only the bare facts – there is a child that was likely fathered by your husband. 
      Finally, I want to comment about your husband and your daughter.  I am glad to see that you and your husband are discussing this, and you must be very proud of the maturity your daughter is showing.  If you strip everything away Kathryn, what do you really fear?  Losing your husband?  Sharing your husband?  Being cut out of a life of laughter and merriment that your husband and daughter will share with this child (at least in your imagination?)  A wise friend once told me that if I can’t change my reality, I must change my perception, because that is the only thing I can control.  What if you thought about welcoming this child into YOUR family.  About what she might bring to you, your husband and your daughter?  There is room in your heart for many, perhaps there is room for her too.  You have shown repeatedly on this site that you are a lovely, humorous woman who has so much to offer others. 
      I will think about your tomorrow Kathryn, and I will also think about a 15 year old girl who won’t sleep tonight, so great her anxiety and fear about meeting her biological parent.  I will think about your husband, anguished over this turn of events.  I will think about your daughter, wondering if she has to share her father now.  I will think about the mother, wanting nothing but her daughter’s happiness.  I will think of you all Kathryn.  Mostly I will send up a prayer that there be kindness, acceptance and love in everyone’s heart for the sake of the girl.

    • #21804
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      So he has left..and i didnt even cry!!!!
      I have to say, i saw the photo of the mother and from now on i am calling her fester…(uncle fester..addams family) The relief i felt when i saw it was unbelieveable.  I dont know if it is a normal thought to be threatened by her, not that i am anymore.  But thats how i felt and i needed to see exactly what i believed to be ‘up against’.  Yes, Marilee, we have so many unanswered questions about the whole situation but to be frank, i dont care what she went through (fester that is), i cannot sympathise with her for one second.  They have had 15 years to adjust, decide what they were going to do.  We have had 3 days.  She is doing what is best for HER daughter, thats all well and good but every thought in my head revolves around my children.  The anger has gone, to an extent, but when i think of them, i feel absolutely nothing. Well, not nothing, i dont know what i feel to be honest but not one thought is positive.
      As for the one night stand, yes, according to Dames it was…i have told him i have to believe he was so drunk he didnt know what he was doing and i dont want to know if it was any different.
      We had an absolutely rip snorting screaming fight last night…he was in the shower, he came home with an attitude and i went in there and gave it to him.  We needed it, i told him that he f***** her and made a baby and now we have to live with that, with his actions…he went balistic and said that he would have to live with this for the rest of his life…and with that came the taunts from his friends, his family and anyone else.  We both ended up hysterical…I told him that the only people that matter was him and me, all the others can go to hell. 
      Once it calmed down, we talked, he told me what he was feeling, how he was scared to lose everything.  I told him he wasnt losing us, we love him and can face anything that comes. 
      I cannot think of that young girl…my head tells me its not her fault, she didnt ask to be born, but i cannot imagine her walking into my house, ever…maybe that will change, after all, im feeling much more positive today, not for the situation, but for my relationship.  I told my sister last night, she said that it has nothing to do with me, i am just affected by it and shes right.  I dont have to do anything i dont want to do.
      Unfortunately, my reality is not going to change…i dont have the ability yet to change my perception, im sure that will come in time, and if it doesnt, well ill worry about it then.   The worst is over, nothing can be as bad as Tuesday night.  Dames and i have decided we need to be kind to each other, stick together and work on OUR family.  Thats all i can do at the moment, as for fester, i truly hope she is feeling as sick and upset as i have been.  She is seeing things from her perspective, i have to wonder if there is another agenda there.  If she is having as much trouble with this girl as she says..maybe shes looking to pass the buck, maybe she thinks that this meeting will change her daughters (and her) life. Well, she has changed my life. This is going to take me a long time to work through, my emotions are still very raw, as im sure you can see, im changing my mind every 5 minutes. 
      As for my gambling, its day 29, i have to say, the thought comes into my head for about half a second and it is gone, my head is too full of everything else at the moment to worry about it.  So thats one blessing i guess???
      Thanks to all who posted. You know its appreciated, every one makes me feel a little better.
      Ill let you know how it went…Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21805
      gracephnx
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn, just checking in as I promised earlier this week – how are you doing now?  Sorry it’s so late, but I have been talking with a friend with family issues most of the day- she needed to get out of the house to avoid saying something she would regret!
      I’ve noticed that you have lots of support here, and you know you never need to feel alone. That’s the thing really – we shouldn’t try to deal with stuff alone, because often (just when we think we are getting control) life is bigger and more unpredictable than any one person alone can deal with. It looks to me like you are on the right track – remembering what really matters and what doesn’t. Pride, ownership, etc, they don’t matter in the end. Only love and intimacy do. 
      I call myself Grace on this site because grace is the quality I aim to develop – and one I think we could all benefit from.
      Hold tight, Kathryn, we are beside you.
      Grace
       gracephnx

    • #21806
      erin
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,  I was just reading through your thread, and I am so sorry about the recent turn of events going on with you, your husband and your family.  You were the first person to reach out to me with such kind words and advice.  I wish that you weren’t going through this.  
      Im probably the first and maybe the only one to say this but,   "YIPEEE!!!!!"  I am so glad she is a "fester."  I know that is so surface, but it really does help to know that she’s not this drop-dead knock out gorgeous woman.  No matter how long ago, or what the circumstances were, noone likes to picture their spouse being with someone else.  In our minds, we like to think of ourselves as "the only one."  So I can see how hard this is for you since it’s become a certian reality.  I can see how having his "possible" daughter over would be too much to handle. 
      My husband and I have both been married once before.  We both have children from our first marriage.  None together. 🙁  It took me a long time to "get over" having to deal with his ex-wife.  She was this constant reminder of his past life, and I didn’t want him to have a past life.  I wanted to be his only life.  (I am so hypocritical-because I too had a past life with my ex.)   I would obsess about what they did together, were they happy, blah, blah, blah. But time did run it’s course, and little by little – those thoughts went away.  I realized that my husband is with me, and that was for a reason.  It’s because he loves me.  He LOVES me.  Not her.  Or else he’d be with her.  It’s the same with you and your husband.  He LOVES you.  Don’t picture him with her.  It just messes your mind up.  (Especially don’t picture them now that you know what she looks like.  Yuck-O!!) 
      Time will mend all things Kathryn.  Give yourself time to feel what you feel.  And know that a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, you’ll probably feel different. 
      You are in my thoughts, and keep being strong (gamble-free).     xx   Erin

    • #21807
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Grace, Vera and erin, thank you for your posts…and thank you erin for making me lol.  I truly did!!!!! So i did really well today until he rang to tell me he was coming home.You know, fear of the unknown…my head was doing 360’s. He came home and i was in bed (the only place i felt i could hide). He told me that they had the meeting at the house, surprise surprise, kick in the guts #1. He then told me he said all the things that we had discussed, the paternity test, the fact that i was devastated (fester started crying apparently….boo frickity hoo!!!) the time it will take to come to terms with this when the test comes back positive ( i just know it will).  He then spoke about our kids, kick #2, but told them that Brea didnt know.
      He was there for about 2and a half hours.  Im not sure if the husband was there, hmmm must ask him bout that but i know her other children were.  The story goes that when she got pregnant, she told her family that the father was a low life drug addict in the hope that no one would ever look for him. WRONG!!!!!
      She asked Dames if she could give him a letter to give to me.  He said no way, the right answer as far as im concerned.  So for now, the worst is over, we wait for the test, that will be a massive kick….not looking forward to that even if my heart is saying it will be his.  I think he did a pretty good job, IF what he is saying is the truth.  You know, yesterday i went through all his cupboards and drawers, looking for ??????? Stupid i know, i still dont know why i did it.
      He is giving me some space….gone to a mates for a beer.  When hes here i dont want him and when hes not i do.  I truly am a lunatic.  Anyway, thanks all, Bye for now, Kathryn xx
       Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21808
      gracephnx
      Partecipante

      Wow! The demon has been faced fair and square and you are still standing. Well done, K! And stay under that doona AS LONG AS YOU LIKE!!!I hope you have a stash of chocolate bars there with you – a Galaxy Bar maybe??? After our choco discussion the other night I went shopping and bought a chocolate bar (mint crisp), and a packet of chocolate biscuits. So much for the diet. And can I say – of little importance though it is with all the big stuff happening around you, your encouragement to me to self-exclude has been a life-changing thing for me. It is a symbolic and public gesture and is already working its magic. Thanks, my friend!gracephnx

    • #21809
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Kathryn, it sounds like you and your husband have built a very strong relationship and that will get your through all of this.  Stay strong my friend.
      Sherry

    • #21810
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I dont have much to say today…its been fairly quiet, i went and saw mum and Jode, and just potted around the house.  I am feeling better, if only a little, but im having small, i dont know, anxiety, nausea attacks that last for about half an hour.  I dont know how i feel today, a bit numb which is nice for a change, but the brain is still on overload.  I ordered the DNA test today, it took me all my strength to submit it, but i did…small steps. I know whats coming, and i need to get ready for it. 
      Im sorry that i havent been posting a lot, but i have been reading…. im 31 days today.  In the grand scheme of things it is a small achievement, im too busy trying to clear my head and it is one of the most difficult things i try to do… its when i go to bed, im so tired and as soon as i lie down…HELLO!!!!
      Im going back to work tomorrow afternoon, theres no point me sitting here, im better off doing something, anything that will take my mind off.
      Anyway, thank you all for caring, it means the world.
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21811
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hi  Kathryn,  Wow, 31 days gamble free.  That’s wonderful.  Too bad this recent problem in your life is taking away from that joy.  Keep it up Kathryn and soon, this bad time will be a thing  of the past.  Let it run it’s course,get the DNA results and go from there with it.  I know the suspense is hurting you right now but try and do some enjoyable things with your kids.  It will all work out for you in the end.  Be patient.    Danielle

    • #21812
      jamie
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn!
      Blimey! I have just caught up with your post. Blimey! Again! How are you? Forget the others. How are you? I have posted before that your thread always makes me smile and it is always uplifting. Although the smiles are fewer (still a few there though!) the sense of being uplifted has intensified. How great are you handling this? I have the utmost admiration for how you have been and how you have used the forum to vent your anger and rationalise your thoughts. And just when i thought you coudln’t get better I remembered that this is a gambling forum and that you have haven’t gambled! That is ridiculously brilliant! Well done girl! If you go back six weeks and this had happened think how much damage you would have done trying to block out your feelings. Words cannot express how proud I am of you and I hope you feel very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very very proud of yourself. I am not sure if I could have coped one tenth as well as you have. Well done again.
      Look forward to speaking to you soon!
      Take care!
      Jamie
      "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

    • #21813
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I had a no post day yesterday…i think i was so drained and tired, plus i was a bit nervous about going to work, was i going to break down and be a bawling mess??? I got to work and walked around the staff room corner and there was my friend Gerry, she left a couple of months ago and sometimes does fill in shifts.  Higher Power looking after me? I think so.  She is one tough cookie and really looked after me when i started this job.  She has been nursing for about 20 yrs and has taught me soooo much.  As soon as i saw her, i told her everything, she made me a coffee and we talked and talked.  I knew my night was going to be fine. And it was.
      When i got home, Brea was in the shower and when she got out she came into the lounge and said hi.  I knew that something was up but she said she was going to bed and walked out of the room.  I called her back in and made her sit down next to me and tell me what was going on.  She started crying (her first real emotion) and said that this whole situation was horrible. Damian got out of bed so the 3 of us sat and talked.  She said she needed to talk about it, she couldnt see why we were so upset, she wanted to get back to normal.  I told her that we would proboably be facing a new kind of normal and we just had to go slow and work out what that was.  We then talked about the visit (sasha, brea and the boys) and Dames said he didnt want  to take them.  I told him he had to, like it or not.  Brea then asked if i would be going and i said no.  I think she wants me to go but at this point i dont think i can do it, not even for her.  I think i would make things more uncomfortable for them as i would be an emotional wreck.
      I dont know if any air was cleared, but she is 18 and im trying really hard not to be depressed or upset in front of her…im obviously doing a terrible job.  I can only do what i can do.
      I am having moments of clarity when i think maybe down the track i could be involved, but i also feel that where Sasha is concerned it is none of my business, only the parts that concern my children.  It truly has nothing to do with me in the sense that she is not related to me so i kind of feel im intruding? (dont know if that is the right word)
      Anyway, im rambling a bit, i do know that i feel a bit better and im coming to terms with it all.  Whats done is done and cant be undone.  Brea wants me to make the best of it, and i am truly trying to see things in a positive light but it has only been 7 days today (god, this time last week i was as happy as a lark) i need time and i feel that im being pressured to be over it all already and its just not going to happen overnight.  They need to be patient with me for once!
      On a positive, i went for a walk with my girlfriend this morning after dropping Harry at Kinder (pre-school).  It wasnt all that bad, i have more energy today, hmmm maybe i can do the vacuming.  The hammys were screaming by the end of it but i made it.  There was no talk of the last weeks events (well, not much) and we chatted in between the huffing and puffing (mostly mine).  I think i have finally breathed out, so hopefully things will get much better from here.  On a personal note, Damian and i have never been so close, both emotionally and physically (sorry guys!!).  We havent had a REAL marriage for a long time , so maybe this will be the good thing that comes, us getting closer.  I think we have a new appreciation for each other.  He has been very good to me during all this.  Very attentative and tuned in to my feelings.  I think thats the first time ever.
      Sorry this was so long, i was only going to do a short post and it all just came out.  I havent gambled for i think 32 days now, im pretty proud of that.
      I hope you all hae a wonderful gamble free day,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21814
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      Gee, Kathryn, Sasha is very much your business. This whole situation is very much your business. You are not on the outside looking in, you are right in it. Your life is being affected right along with everyone else’s and you have a right to be completely involved. You are not an intruder, this is your family. No one would expect anything less than your complete involvement. Perhaps you should rethink your decision not to go with your kids to meet Sasha. This is a huge thing for your family and you should be part of this meeting unless you really think it will be too emotionally rough. In any case, stay strong. This will all work out eventually.
      God bless.***************************************************************************Aint nuthin’ gonna break my stride; aint nuthin’ gonna slow me down; oh no,oh no; I got to keep on goin’…

    • #21815
      daisy56
      Partecipante

      Good to chat with you tonight Kathryn. Thanks for the encouragement! How good that is that you and your husband are connecting so well (in every way, thanks for that!) Sometimes we all need a shock to make us appreciate what we have, unfortunately.
      I think I have done the same with really thinking about what my gambling has done, reading people’s stories about how they have lost the good parts of their lives and hoping that I have stopped in time before I risked affecting my relationship. How could we ever have thought feeding money into a machine was better than sharing a life with another person?
      I know I feel ok with signing my posts with my own name, but then there aren’t many of us aussies so it does feel easier. I know that I am a bit nervous about starting counselling in a nearby suburb and wondering if the people will know me or about me. I teach high school so I know lots of people and even more know me by sight. Well too bad – I’m not doing anything wrong – for once! better than seeing me at the pokies!
      Keep on with the walking – it gets easier really!
      Alison

    • #21816
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Im pretty flat this morning, it seems to take me till lunch time to perk up….i have no energy when i get up and im still really tired.  Plus, Mount Vesuvius has decided to pop up on my face…could i look any worse today.
      Ive got work this afternoon, im sure ill be feeling more energetic by then. Im all the 3’s today, 33 days gamble free, its a nice feeling.  I must say, im not sore from my big walks yesterday, i have heard that the 3rd day is the worst.
      Well, just wanted to pop in a little note, i HAVE to get off my bum and do something.
      Have a great day all,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21817
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      Fantastic, Kathryn! Have a great day at work. ***************************************************************************Aint nuthin’ gonna break my stride; aint nuthin’ gonna slow me down; oh no,oh no; I got to keep on goin’…

    • #21818
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      You’re doing great with 33 gamble free days behind you! …especially with all you’ve been through. 
      I’m sore too.  Didn’t walk but did roll 80 pound hay bales out of the way while my husband was baling.  I’m so out of shape that I can’t lift the bales but my husband looked so full of pride (maybe it was a look of humor. I was not very graceful) as I rolled bale after bale out of his way so he could get done faster.   I am sore today but expect to get out of bed even slower tomorrow.  I wish I could get myself on an exercise routine and stick with it. 
      Hope you got your afternoon energy and had a great day.
      Sherry
       

    • #21819
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Im flat chat today, so i thought id quickly post before i go…im getting my tax return done this morning, hope i get a good refund, i have plenty to claim, then home and Harry to kinder, then Brea to the dentist straight after, then if Jodie gets her keys to her new house ill be helping her unpack.
      So thats my day, ill be exhausted by tonight but i have more energy than yesterday and im not too sore, its my shins that are the worst.  Sherry, i couldnt ever imagine pushing hay bales, i have no upper body strength whatsoever so well done to you.  Its raining here today, a bit miserable, but i did have a good night at work, no dramas.  This weekend is my weekend on, which i dread each and every time and then when its over i think, well, that wasnt so bad.  I think its the early mornings that kill me.
      Anyway, wishing you all a happy gamble free day,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21820
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I feel bad at the moment.  I had the busy day today, got a great tax return and took Brea to the dentist (she needs 8 fillings, well only 7 now!!!) Anyway, went to my friend Jodes who is moving into her brand new house, had a visit and told her to message me when she was going back down there after tea and i would come around and help.
      So, it got to 10 past 8 and im thinking, she must have had trouble with her kids and is running late.  I rang her and she was already there and said there wasnt much to do as her aunt was there and had done most of it.  Turned out i had turned off the phone when we were at the dentist and hadnt turned it back on.  This woman has done soooo much for me, not just at the moment but for the last 20 years.  She is the best freind i have ever had and i feel i have let her down by not being there in HER time of need, be it unpacking or anything else for that matter.
      My son has daycare tomorrow so im going to go over as soon as i drop him off and do as much as i can for her.  Im very annoyed at myself, but im also a bit annoyed at her as i really wanted to help her do this, its the least i can do for her after what she has done for me (you dont know the half of it).  I love her like my sister, im closer to her than my sisters and i hope, if she ever reads this that she knows that.  I just wanted to give something back to her, she has saved me many times, been my voice of reason, a shoulder to cry on (plenty of that lately) and a wonderful influence on my children.  My own personal angel, im a very lucky woman.  So, tomorrow, whether she likes it or not ill be there.
      I didnt have an urge today, proboably the first day ever.
      Wishing you a wonderful gamble free day, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21821
      daisy56
      Partecipante

      I’m guessing Kathryn that you are beating yourself up about not helping your friend much more than she is thinking you weren’t there. I’m sure you both helped each other out lots of times so it evens out. You don’t count the times when you are good friends.
      It’s great how you describe your days and how busy they are – reminding all of us that busyiness is good in our lives and we don’t need to have that fake rush and zoning out that we used to look for. It never really brought any pleasure, whereas living in the moment, even when it is tiring and we complain about working too hard, is good.
      Hope you can keep the walking going. I’m going to do better with it – I actually enjoy walking around my neighbourhood and checking out people’s gardens!
      Alison

    • #21822
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      This is the first chance ive had to post for 3 days!!! I know, not like me at all.
      So Friday i spent the whole day, from 9 till 2.30 helping Jodie to unpack, then i was off to work at 4.30.  I finally feel better in myself knowing that i could help her.  Im going to be there tomorrow as well, Harry has kinder and i have all morning, we are going to do all those its and bits we leave till last.
      I worked all weekend, i was exhaused yesterday and didnt even have the energy to open the laptop, we were really busy. Today was better, i was a lot less tired and we had an open day, which was interesting, we had a guy singing and he was terrible. It was hysterical cause all the old ladies loved him, he was singing to them and winking, a scream.
      I have made a decision regarding the DNA test.  Dames and i are going to Sydney on the 31st July for the weekend, it was meant to be a little romantic getaway, plus we are going to the footy up there.  I have decided i dont want to know the results of the test until we get home.  It has taken so long (well, it feels that way) for me to come to terms with what may be, that if i know before we go then i will spend the whole weekend wondering what we are going to do next.  I just want to go and have fun and not have to think about the next step till we get back.  The test kit hasnt arrived yet, so on the Thursday before we go im going to send it off.  Then theres no way of finding out until at least 3 days after they recieve it.   That will be the week after the trip.  I cant see why another week will hurt, we didnt know for 15 years…..anyway any thoughts would be appreciated. 
      I truly havent had time to even think of gambling this weekend, so my days are up to 37!!! woo hoo!!!
      I hope you all had a great weekend, ill be doing a lot of reading tonight and i only work 2 shifts this week so plenty of group for me.  Cant wait.
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21823
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      I got the DNA test in the mail today.  I feel sick, this is really happening.  You know, it was almost starting to feel like a bad dream.  I cant even say the words to Damian. I googled DNA tests in Australia and this one came from Canada.  Very obvious envelope, saying there were sterile swabs inside.  The postman is Damians sisters boyfriend, i hope he didnt look to hard at it.  I thought it would be very discreet….NOT!
      Bye for now, Kathryn xx Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21824
      vera
      Partecipante

      hi Kathryn,
      It’s a terrible breach of confidentiality! What if a husband was having this test done unknown to his wife…Just put it to one side now and DETACH!
      I don’t mean to be mercenary (well I do really). You’re husband got you into this mess. Why are you picking up the tab by taking all the stress? Let him sort it!
       all the sevens

    • #21825
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      Kathryn, I agree with Vera. I think your husband needs to pick up the ball from here. You’re in this thing together, but at the same time he has to do his part. You ordered the test now he can take care of getting the samples and sending them in. You’ve been stressed enough over this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
      God bless.***************************************************************************Aint nuthin’ gonna break my stride; aint nuthin’ gonna slow me down; oh no,oh no; I got to keep on goin’…

    • #21826
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi Girls, and thanks for your replies,
      Well, i didnt have to tell him afterall as fester sms him and said she had got the test and ‘where do i send it’? He asked if we had got his and i said yes and that there is a return envelope in the kit if she bothered to have a good look.   As for the envelope, i agree Vera, you wouldnt want to be doing it in secret and trying to hide it from the wife/husband. To top things off i have shocking pmt at the moment and was as sh***y as hell last night.  They all stayed away from me which is what i needed.  Im working tonight and tomorrow night (evening) so that will ease their minds as they dont have to put up with my bad mood.
      I have a lot of housework to catch up on this morning while Harry is at kinder.  When i do my weekend at work there is always a mountain of stuff to do the next week…drives me crazy and doesnt help my mood!
      Damian and Bailey are going up to his mothers on Saturday and they are going camping overnight with his step-dad.  I will have a lovely time with Harry, im not sure if Brea will be home and i have to work at the market on Sunday with my step-dad.  I have had gambling thoughts this morning, you know, if i hadnt self excluded, i would be going as soon as i drop Harry at kinder.  But i cant so i wont…..the washing will never get put away!!!!
      I hope you all have a wonderful, gamble free day,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21827
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      So….they say life begins at 40.  Well, im not 40 till next year, i cant even think about that at the moment!!!! But today is my day 40 of not gambling.  40 days, looking back now they have gone pretty quick, not so at the time. Some of those days went forever.
      My son woke up this morning and his eye was swollen completely shut.  I think he has been bitten by a mozzie or a flea.  He has bad reactions to bites so i have given him some antihistamines and its slowly starting to open up.  I must say though, it looks hilarious….i wish i could post the photo, i took one on my phone.  As ususl, he hasnt complained at all, he is a beautiful child, well not so much at the moment with the eye!!!!!
      Anyway all, have a great gamble free day.  Im feeling very positive today, and i could almost say….happy?
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21828
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      Kathryn, try applying a warm, wet cloth to his eye. It could help. You can warm a cloth in the microwave, but be careful cuz it gets very hot, very fast.
      Congratulations on 40 days. I know it’s been tough, some days worse than others, but you made it through 40 days even in the face of extreme adversity. If I had to be in a foxhole fighting in war, I’d want someone strong like you there with me. You are a real inspiration to me.
      God bless.
      ***************************************************************************
      Aint nuthin’ gonna break my stride; aint nuthin’ gonna slow me down; oh no,oh no; I got to keep on goin’…– 7/21/2009 11:22:20 PM: post edited by compulsiveme.

    • #21829
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Kathryn,  I’m glad you are feeling happy today.  And 40 days wow.  My counsellor asked me did I ever think I could stop gambling that long?  It feels good doesn’t it?  Remember to keep your barriers up.  Yes the warm wash rag is a good idea.  It will help open the eye faster.  Have a happy day……….NancyLife isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

    • #21830
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Just a quick note in regards to the eye.  I did the warm cloth, thanks C.  I took him to the chemist this afternoon, it had opened up about halfway and he told me if it started to swell again to give him more antihistamines (its a 24 hour dose) otherwise give him some more in the morning.  When i left for work it was still pretty red and swollen but at least the poor little bugger could see. Ill have a look in the morning and take it from there. Thanks for your advice. And yes Nancy, it does feel good.
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21831
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hey all,
      Well done for 40 days Kathryn, I think you are a very good example of someone that gets bad news and deals with it in a positive and proactive way. To be fair, had the same thing happened me, I am not too sure if I would have coped as well so well done, it is refreshing to hear your continued pledge to stay gamble free. I am sure there will be many people out there who will come up against difficult situations, I just hope they all (including me) can show the same level of bravery as you!
      I am starting to think about gambling again and in my head I am justifying reasons why a weeeeee gamble would be OK. Its like I am having this argument and sometimes I think I am ok and sometimes the beast inside of me strikes a cord the sounds plausible…. I will keep thinking positive and posting here but I am concerned as to why I am thinking like this… to be fair, reading this thread and many many others help me seeeeeeeee sense….
      Laters
      AlPlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21832
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Thanks Al for your post.  Im not sure that i am brave, but what i do know is i love my husband so much and dont want to lose my family because of this setback.  Fact is, no matter what the result i am going to have to make the best of it and work WITH my husband to make it work. 
      As for my not gambling during the last few weeks, the fact that i self excluded was really the main reason i didnt go.  There were times i would have hopped a plane and gone to another state to gamble, but of course, i didnt want to go back to the sad, depressed lunatic i was.  So in that respect i am proud that i made it through.  Mind you, theres still a ways to go, but i think the worst is truly over.
      Today i went shopping with my daughter.  I actually bought some things for me, and what was interesting was that i didnt look at the pricetag.  I bought some underwear and for the first time i just grabbed the pack and went and paid for them.  I didnt know how much they cost until i got to the register. I havent done that for years and years and boy did it feel good.  I spent $300 today, i also got some long winter boots, our football tickets for next weekend and a few things at the chemist.  When i was gambling, i spent that kind of money in an hour.  When i came home and added up what i spent i thought ‘oh my god, that was so much money’.  But in my gambling days that was a drop in the bucket.
      It was nice to go out and spend my money on me!
      Anyway, i hope you all had a happy gamble free day,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21833
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Good for you Kathryn, making your money count for something. Sounds like you had a good time too.  I know what you mean about blowing that much at the casino without much of a thought but thinking twice about spending it on things you need or want.  Our perspective of money was sure distorted for a while!  At least we are working our way back to reality.

    • #21834
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      I want to gamble today.  I have the money and the means.  To sit, and get in the zone i love.  Ive got the pit in my stomach, the gambling pain i call it. I would like nothing more.
      But im not going to gamble TODAY.
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21835
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Im a little bit cross,
      I was just in the shed with my husband and my nephew turns up.  Says that his ex girlfriend (whos 16) is pregnant by him.  Says shes having a termination.  Hubby says ‘her parents will have to get her on the pill".  I pipe up and say ‘Tom, you need to use a condom". Tom says "i was really drunk".  Damian pipes up and says ‘Well, its always the drunk ***** that get them pregnant" and laughs. Yeah, REAL FUNNY.
      Anyway, i have left the shed and come inside.  I wanted to slap his idiot face.  Very sensitive.
      Anyway, no gambling, so thats good, i hope you have all had a good weekend.
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21836
      meglee
      Partecipante

      HI kathryn
      I just wanted to pop in here and say hi to you. I read and post regularly in F&F, but i also read in journal frequently too.
      We both found this site about the same time, and i, like you, am so grateful to have found it. I feel honored to have the privilege of meeting so many open-minded, caring and supportive individuals. I love the replies and the support that you offer others in the threads i have i read, and that prompted me to read your whole story.
      Wow. What a journey you have had, and what a journey you are on. I am in awe of what you have been/are going through… and you have continued to write such incredibly positive supportive stuff to others who are ‘in need’, at a time when you would have been totally forgiven for focussing totally on yourself!
      Hey chook. You are one awesome lady, and you you are made of strong stuff.
      I have not been through what you are going through, but i’ve had some experiences of my own…and i agree whole-heartedly with your best friend – everything happens for a reason! This is some incredible (and obviously painful) journey you are on just now… so just imagine what incredible (and wonderful) things may come of it!!!!? My favourite saying is "there is no growth, without pain" (in other words….what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger right?! LOL).
      One is left thinking that your ‘higher power’ is propelling you forward at a great speed, knowing, full well, there are many great achievements instore for kathryn….
      Well done on your recovery to date. Much respect to you for ‘keeping it together’ to get through this DNA test scenario.
      Please keep posting.I will continue to follow your journey and i’ll be cheering you on too.
      Much love and light to you 
      Meg
       
       ‘The will of God will never take you, where the grace of God will not protect you’

    • #21837
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Another worry for you Kathryn…and you still didn’t gamble.  Good for you! Too much stress is a trigger for me but so is calm and boredom.  I’m proud of you for not running to the casino.
      7 years ago my son and his girlfriend of 6 months announced she was pregnant.  I was upset but hid it.  I hugged them both and my first beautiful granddaughter was born.  I witnessed her birth…and was present at the birth of my next 3 granddaughters too. Beautiful (and scary) experiences.
      After 2 little girls, my son’s wife wanted a divorce.  My son was devestated but started dating after about a month.  His first girlfriend was a very pretty young lady with two little kids.  My son told me she was pregnant.  I went through the roof.  No hugs, no congratulations only ‘are you stupid?’   I think my son was trying to re-create his prior life but the young lady was an opportunist.  Thankfully, my son found out she was lying about being pregnant before she actually did get pregnant…and she stole money from him so that relationship ended. I think he learned his lesson that it takes a while to know someone and, most importantly, to use of birth control.
      Maybe your nephew’s ex is lying about being pregnant.  Whether she is pregnant or not, it’s not to be taken lightly and hopefully your nephew learns a lesson that sticks with him the rest of his life.
      Keep caring and sharing.  Your posts are very inspirational.
      Sherry

    • #21838
      amy25
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      I thought i would have a ‘quick’ read through your thread and i have to say it turned into a rather long read! Blimey, you have had it tough, how the hell have you managed to keep going???
      I think you have handled this situation very well and i fully understand your feelings of anger and hurt, i know if i was in your position i would feel hatred for this other woman, you have done brilliantly not to gamble during this time and to manage to stil come on here and support others.
      You are obviously a wonderful mother who cares deeply for her family, I hope you enjoy your weekend away with your husband and manage to get some peace and rest.
      Keep up the good work 40 + days is fantastic!!!
      Amy xxx

    • #21839
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn
      Thanks for your lovely reply on my thread. I was delighted to read it, though saddened that you would feel that you are not ‘worthy’ to post in F&F… or that you are ‘the baddie’. Please don’t feel like that, you have so much insight to offer.
      As the ex-partner of CG I am always pleased to see posts from RCG’s like dek and vera (among others) on the family and friends pages, because they are open, honest and frank. They often say things that i would like to post but i sometimes feel if I said it, it would/could come across as bitterness (because i am the ex partner of a CG). So if you feel like popping in…. please do! This site is an AMAZING community (unlike any i have come across on the internet), and we can all learn from each other.
      ALL of us on this site are in recovery of some form or other. As partners/family/friends of CG, our recovery involves having to face the hard honest truth of the illness that affects our lives. Many of us are in our own form of denial. The reason we come here is to get perspective. Your input ( and the input of others from ‘journal’ ) adds to that perspective.
      Kathryn you should be mighty proud of your 44 days! And given the added challenges the universe has sent you at this time you are proving that you are made of strong stuff…. (even if you dont quite feel it just now)
      sending you a big cyber-high-five! (LOL)
      Love and light
      Meg
       ‘The will of God will never take you, where the grace of God will not protect you’

    • #21840
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      So, as you all know im off on the weekend to Sydney.  I have 2 concerns…1- that i am going to gamble, i have no barriers in Sydney and 2- that Damian and I are going to run out of conversation….i know that sounds strange coming from me, as you all know, i never shut up..lol. 
      We are going to do the DNA test tonight, ill send it off tomorrow.  We havent spoken about it at all in the last week, its like if we do, all the good that is happening between us will be gone.  I really dont want to do it but at the same time, we need to know, i need to know.  I think we dont want to break the bond we have created in the last few weeks, but there is a little thing called reality that i need to face.
      Ive been reading that a few people have slipped this past weekend.  While i find it upsetting for them, i must say it just strengthens my resolve not to gamble.  Im glad they posted, it brings back the memory of gambling, losing and leaving with nothing.  Im on my 46th day today. 
      Tim said something to me last night about gambling urges…..when we have urges, we are in active recovery.  It is when we deny or ignore them, that we are not working on our recovery.  I have been thinking about that a lot.  I guess, having the urge to gamble and making the decision not to, means we are facing the demon head on.
      Well, i hope you all have a wonderful, gamble free day,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21841
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      Kathryn,
        Thank you for your encouraging post on my thread. Honestly, I would never have made it as long as I did, had it not been for your encouragement.
        I am so glad you were able to get past that severe urge. It’s really hard when you have the money, the time and the opportunity. It’s a good thing you self excluded and resisted flying to another state. You took the time to think about it realistically. I really think slips are more likely to happen if we start daydreaming about it. It seems to cause the urge to grow. Kudos for resisting!
      God bless.***************************************************************************Aint nuthin’ gonna break my stride; aint nuthin’ gonna slow me down; oh no,oh no; I got to keep on goin’…

    • #21842
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Have a wonderful time in Sydney!  I’ve never been there…haven’t been to many places.  Went to the Bahamas once. Other than that, Canada is the only other country I’ve been to.  Someday maybe.
      Hope you are so busy and having fun that gambling isn’t even an issue.  Can you tell your husband your worries and ask for his help?  Always remember, if you don’t place that first bet, you can’t place the next hundred after that. Don’t allow yourself even one spin. I think you will be just fine Kathryn.  Have fun!

    • #21843
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  You should be so proud of your progress.  You have been sorely tested and still held firm … good on you!!  Don’t think so far ahead.  One day at a time.  Perhaps you could make a list of all the things you’ve ever wanted to do in Sydney … and then do those.  It looks like such a beautiful and vibrant city … there must be tons to do.
      I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.  Stay strong.
      RGThis moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #21844
      daisy56
      Partecipante

      Enjoy Sydney, Kathryn, great place to spend a weekend! (I grew up in Sydney.) So many beautiful sights to see and shopping to spend your money on! Put your thoughts into those things, not thinking about other places you could go where you’d waste your time.
      Thanks for writing Tim’s advice about active recovery – that makes a lot of sense to me right now. I am getting exhausted with how active I have to be with this recovery, but we just have to keep on keeping on!
      Look forward to hearing how your weekend goes.
      Alison

    • #21845
      jamie
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      Have a great time in Sydney! If you enjoy it half as much as you deserve to you will have the best time ever!
      I understand you concerns about going there. As you have posted quite often recently self-exclusion has been a formidable friend in helping you not to gamble and, in Sydney, he/she won’t be there. So you have to replace it somehow. What about discussing these concerns with Damian? Perhaps tell him about your concerns about what might happen and that you need his help in keeping you on the straight and narrow. Don’t be afraid to ask for his help. It is a sign of immense strength and self-awareness, not weakness.
      I totally agree with Tim’s words of wisdom about gambling urges. When I first entered GH I was amazed that some people, early in their recovery, would say that they had no gambling thoughts or urges. So why was I having loads? Did that mean I was worse than them? I found the courage to bring this up and I believe this helped my recovery in a huge way. By acknowledging their presence we diminish their power. It’s like being in bed and being scared of a shadow at the bottom of the bed. Do we stay in bed, scared and frightened? Or get out of bed and turn the light on?
      Anyway, enough of my rambling! I truly hope you have a fantastic break and look forward to speaking to you soon!
      Take Care
      Jamie
      "Success is how high you bounce once you hit rock bottom"

    • #21846
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      I totally get the words from Tim about being in active recovery, loving his (tim’s) work!
      I too am fighting urges, I actually feel drained at times…
      How come some days you can fight the urges fairly easily and others seem to be the biggest test of your life??? This gets me down from time to time as I find these days are near enough lost due to my ‘non gambling thoughts’, Dont get me wrong, I love not gambling but i seem to have days/weeks of being on a constant high and then this week I feel like I belong to be a gambler.
      Anyhow, K, stay strong, the urges this weekend will be testing for you and your hubby, It might be an idea (if you havent already) explaining to your hubby how you are feeling about being able to gamble without the fear of getting slung out on your ear! HAve a lovely break and enjoy every minute of it…. YOU DESERVE ITPlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21847
      velvet
      Moderatore

       
      Hi Kathryn
      I have just read your post on Willit’s thread and as always when I read such words from a person with the compulsion to gamble I find myself looking for the author.
      Please don’t break your heart for our threads. We have to learn that someone we love has an illness that they cannot help without support. What you write does not sound ‘dumb’ but please don’t give yourself unnecessary guilt. We are not on different sides. I think we are two halves of the same illness. We can either chose to carry on or change our lives. That is difficult for all of us but we ‘all’ have the ability to make our own choice.
      ‘You’ did nothing to the F&F forum apart from share in it, which is great. Your illness will probably have hurt those around but it hurts you too. I am not a CG and I cannot judge.   You are not responsible for all the pain that this illness inflicts.  
      I want both forums to succeed in supporting gamble-free lives and I rejoice in every success.
      It is great to see you in F&F – please pop in again
      Loads of Love
      Velvet xxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • #21848
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Velvet,
      I couldnt find a thread for you on the F&F so hopefully you will come back here and see this post.  I truly think the acceptance of the F&F community is amazing, so forgiving and most of all understanding in what seems to be one of the least understood addictions of them all.
      I must say, i like thinking we are two halves of one whole, helping each other indirectly.  I have actually seen the F&F in a whole new light.  As for guilt, i dont have guilt anymore Velvet, regret yes, lots of regret, but i know i am working towards a new life, i guess the posts on your forum remind me of the pain i dont want anyone else to have to go through.  As you said though, we all have choices in our life, and If quitting gambling was easy i certainly would not be here. I wish everyone here, on this site a lifetime of happiness, and although it doesnt come easy, hopefully everyones hard work will pay off and we can live the lives we truly deserve.
      Now, just a question Velvet, and i will apologise now if i read wrong, but i was reading a thread and someone said you revealed your true age…..96? Is this true or did i read it wrong…my sincerest apologies if i misunderstood.  You dont have to tell me if you dont want to, im just a sticky nose!!! 
      Anyway, hope i havent offended you, thank you so much for posting, it means a lot.
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21849
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Kathryn,  Have a great time this weekend.  Just stay gamble free one day at a time.  Don’t worry about tomorrow, it is too overwhelming.  You will be fine….. NancyLife isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

    • #21850
      amy25
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      I like the advice Tim gave to you about urges, i had never thought of them like that before.
      I hope you have a wodnerful time in Sydney and don’t let your worries take over the excitement of going and the enjoyment of being there. i’m sure both your worries will come to nothing and you will scold yourself for being so concerned! Just go and have the truely relaxing and peaceful break you and your husband both deserve 🙂
      Take care,
      Amy xx

    • #21851
      velvet
      Moderatore

       
      Hi Kathryn
      No apology needed. According to Donought (in F&F) I am 126 and live in a tree.
      I always said I was 29 but eventually I was sussed because I admitted I lived with the addiction for over 23 years before my 37 year old son CG faced his demons and committed to a gamble-free life.   The ever resourceful F&F put 2 and 2 together and sadly I had to admit that maybe I was a tiny bit older.
      I am glad you do not carry guilt. Regret I understand. 
      You could not offend me and I will pop over every now and then and see how you are getting on. I do have a thread somewhere but being ancient I have probably lost it!!
      Sorry I haven’t really answered your question but if you think you have a sticky nose you have not been on the receiving end of an F&F group inquisition. xx
      Loads of Love
      Velvet xxxx
       

    • #21852
      willitgetbetter
      Partecipante

      Kathryn,
      Thank you for taking the time to post on my thread.  I appreciate your kind words.  Glad to see that you have met our wonderful "Aunt V" 🙂
      Willit

    • #21853
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Thank you all for your lovely words of encouragement…i will be remembering them while away.  Velvet, i have to say, i was a bit dissapointed that you werent 96..lol…i was excited at the prospect!!!!
      So, i had a fight with Brea last night, she told me i hated her boyfriend and that i make the house uncomfortable when he is here (he stays at least 3 nights a week), she is moving out early next year because of it.  I told her that i have tried for almost 2 years to make Cameron (bf) feel comfortable in this house, but after only getting grunt answers from him i have decided that i would say hello and goodbye as im over the whole thing and im not going to get down and lick his feet to make HIM feel better.  He is a very rude and ignorant person, i simply cant be bothered anymore.  I dont hate him, but he’s 19 for gods sake and he cant say ‘Hi Kathryn, how are you?’. She says he is scared of me…what a crock of s**t.  He has no manners, and that is one thing i am big on in this house and she knows that.
      When she told me she was moving out because of me i was soooo hurt.  And she knew it! I just said ok and walked out of her room and came and got on the computer.  Later on, she came out and said she was sorry, she didnt mean it, she was stressed with school etc…..i told her how she made me feel, i also told her that if she wants to move out that is fine but im not going to be the reason she does.  I dont hate him, i dont know him.  What i do know is he makes her happy and thats all that matters but im not tiptoeing around him.  She says she is in the middle, i say, if i say anything to Cameron he would start bawling so why would i do that…just more ammunition for her.
      Anyway, we kinda sorted it out…i think.
      We still havent done the DNA test yet, Dames is putting it off, understandably.  We’ll just do it when we get back from Sydney i think.  I am really looking forward to it (Sydney that is, not the DNA test!!!)
      Anyway all, have a lovely gamble free day, im off to finish scrubbing the shower (worst job in the world)
      Bye for now, Kathryn xx 
       Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21854
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn, That was an interesting exchange with Brea. I’ve never raised kids so I am clueless. I think you were right to tell her how you feel about her boyfriend, though. I also think it’s not asking too much for someone to be friendly or at least respectful toward you in your own home! Surely Brea can understand your side.
      I’m sure Brea feels caught in the middle, not wanting to alienate either of you. But, to me, it seems you are the one caught in the middle, not wanting to alienate Brea, but at the same time, expecting her guest to behave appropriately toward you in your home. Maybe you could talk to Cameron and tell him how you expect him to act toward you and the rest of the family when he visits. Could be he’s just a little socially inept if he hasn’t had much training. I dunno. But, I think you did good to let Brea know you weren’t buying her spiel about moving out because of you!
      I envy you going to Sydney. I wish I could go to anywhere in Australia! Maybe someday. I could have taken a couple of high class cruises around the world already on what I’ve gambled over the years. So far the closest I can get to getting out of the country is to drive a few miles to the Canadian border. LOL. Oh well. Someday I may be able to get to travel if I save those pennies.
      Have a great trip and don’t worry about Brea. You have something Cameron can’t replace or compete with: a history with your daughter.
      God Bless.
      ***************************************************************************
      Aint nuthin’ gonna break my stride; aint nuthin’ gonna slow me down; oh no,oh no; I got to keep on goin’…– 7/29/2009 1:42:42 AM: post edited by compulsiveme.

    • #21855
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Got to work tonight and the boss has decided that the work i (and many others) do is not enough…they have piled on more work.  Im not impressed.  Yes, at the moment things are quiet and we can get the work done.  But when we get busy (we have 6 empty beds) and it will get busy, this is not going to work.  We were not consulted about the changes at all….its all about the almighty dollar, and a few team leaders who cant be bothered doing their own work…very annoying. They are determined to push us over the edge, and ill proboably be the first to fall, im pretty near the edge as it is….
      Have a great day all, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21856
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Thought id pop in a post before i go on the big bird……I have lots to do today, not only packing, but getting bedding organised, my sister is coming down, with her 5 children to stay sat and sun night. Her ex mother in law (she only split from her husband of 35 years a few months ago) has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and hasnt very long to live so they are all coming to see her, proboably for the last time.  I also have Baileys school concert tonight, timing couldnt be worse really, but i will have everything organised today (hopefully).  We are leaving here at 6.30 tomorrow morning so i NEED to have everything done. 
      Usually, when i have lots to do i go into meltdown.  Proboably why im sitting here typing, i just dont want to start!!!!
      I am keeping my resolve not to gamble this weekend.  I hope you all do the same, send me some good vibes please.  I can do it, i know i can. 
      Wishing you a wonderful, gamble free weekend, take care all,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21857
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Maybe it’s the economy.  All businesses are trying to stretch the profits with less employees, more work and less pay. Guess that is the times we are living in.  Hope it isn’t as bad as you are expecting.
      Have a safe trip…and lots of fun.
      Sherry

    • #21858
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hey K,
      I hope you have a wonderful gambling free time away with your hubby, you both deserve it!
      its funny, when I used to plan holidays etc i would think about how this was going to upset my gambling time, or I would spend my 1st day haunting for the ‘best’ gambling joint to spend a few hours of my day in. I hope that my next holiday I will be thinking about how I am going to keep an eye on a 3yr old and a new born (all being well)
      drink plently and enjoy yourselves, turn that mobile offfffffff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Players do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21859
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I had a wonderful weekend in Sydney…it was amazing, Dames and i ate, drank and DIDNT GAMBLE!!!
      We spent a lot of time down near the bridge and Opera house, which was lovely, went on the ferry over to Taronga Zoo, and of course went to the football, where we won by 1 point!!!! Every pub we went into had a machine, and i mean 1 machine (wierd) but we talked about how much fun we were having and how we didnt need to gamble…and we really didnt.
      When we got home my sister and her kids, grandchild (8 in total) were here.   They stayed last night, it was a very late night for me, as im lucky to see them once a year.  They left this morning.  My house is a wreck but hey, how often does it happen.  I will spend most of today catching up on posts, im dying to see how everyone is, i really missed not being able to come on when i felt like it.
      Anyway, it was a good feeling driving home knowing we still had money.  We would have blown the lot for sure.
      Now its time to face reality.  Have a great day everyone, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21860
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      I am sooo pleased that you had a great time, Its good to see that gambling didn;t play a part in your weekend.
      What else is great to see is, you COULD have gambled as you arent banned in this state but you DECIDED not to. well done you, it goes to show how far you have came K!!!
      keep her lit!Players do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21861
      daisy56
      Partecipante

      Well done on your happy weekend in Sydney and enjoying everything without gambling. What a great feeling! Sydney is so good as a holiday place.
      I wish I could say my weekend was good too, as it should have been and as I had planned, but I gambled and I’m ashamed and disgusted with the stupid decision I made. But when I get such great encouragement from people like you, I knew I had to come back on and do everything and more that had been working and get it right. 
      Thanks for your support and for your descriptions of how full and good life is when you fill it with family and trips and work.
      Alison 

    • #21862
      meglee
      Partecipante
    • #21863
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hi

    • #21864
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Haha, this is reminiscent of your very first post on this thread!!!
      Kind of like, I open my mouth to speak…….and nothing comes out!  (you can bet that doesn’t happen often with me!!! LOL)
      Sorry, I seem to have the computer gremlins on this site this week Grrrr!
      Anyway… I was posting to say, YAY sounds like you had a fab weekend with your man in sydney – and gamble-free!
      Go-Girl! You show such determination in your posts Kathryn, and I have no doubt as to how you inspire others. A wise old friend recently said to me, when we were talking about life stuff, achievements and ‘progress’, that "..if it wasnt hard work  – then it probably wasn’t worth it". It seemed like a simple no-brainer comment to me until i thought about it a bit more. It relates pretty well to recovery for all of us (RCGs and F&F too). Achievement doesnt come without some commitment to hard work, and you’re putting in the work!
      I just found out I’m off to Sydney next month too! My beautiful best friend has just shouted me a trip, just the two of us (NO KIDS!) for 5 days. I lived there for a few years, infact it was where i met my CG, so it’ll be a trip down memory lane. I cant wait!
      Hope you’re recovering from your house full of guests!
      Much love and light
      Meg

    • #21865
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      So, Damian and i havent really spoken about the DNA test….you know, the old ignore it and it will go away. Anyway, tonight i say to him that he just has to do it.  I know he doesnt want to, god only knows i dont want him to, but it has to be done so lets do it and get it over with.  Ive just finished eating, he says.
      I was on group, 3/4 the way through and he says come on then, lets get it over with.  Now, i KNOW it has to be done, i KNOW what will be will be and i KNOW i cant change the outcome.  So off we trudge to the bedroom, he does it (a whole 30 seconds) and its over.
      Im sitting here now, all the old feelings are re-surfacing.  Would someone like to explain to me why.  Everything will be ok, he says and i KNOW its true, we will be ok, but im back there in that little hell i created and im pretty ****** off about it.  Am i wrong in thinking that this shouldnt be happening? That its not fair? Even though i believe that sasha is his, a part of me wants to hope beyond hope. My emotional brain is hysterically crying, my logical brain is telling me everything i already know, what everyone has told me, and im trying to convince mr logical to take over.
      It did really feel like a dream.
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21866
      Dunc
      Amministratore del forum

      Hi Kathryn
      You’re trying to convince your logical side to take over…. There’s nothing wrong in having negative thoughts, there’s nothing wrong in having urges… for many years this is how you’ve lived your life it’s not going to suddenly change, you have to work on them, and you are… only you can be honest about how far you’ve come, we can only sit and watch, but from my seat and in my opinion your doing so well
      In my opinion your logical side is really starting to work, would you have admitted these feelings whilst gambling or would you have just ignored the feelings and acted on the urges.
      Your learning how to deal with issues in a different way, your doing great… don’t ignore them, accept them for what they are “Unusual Feelings”
      An urge or a negative emotion isn’t a problem, unless you act on them in a negative way.
      Take Care
      H"Occasionally it’s wise to doubt our doubts, to question our questions, and to re-think our thoughts."

    • #21867
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      it cant be easy K, I cant relate to it but what I can say is well done…
      please use the same logical thought process when you get the results, remember that you cant change them, only act on themPlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21868
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Ive just had the big chat with Harry, thanks H by the way and have come back to answer my own post.
      Right then, i am dealing with my feelings, something i am so not used to because i would just go and gamble and ignore. This is a new thing for me, so i have to start retraining myself.  Once i calmed down, well, really, what has changed…nothing.  He scraped the inside of his mouth with a little brush.  So what?
      I am going to deal with this, theres nothing i can change in this scenario.  Except the way i think.  Yes, it isnt fair, but is it fair that im a compulsive gambler?  Maybe not, but im facing it head on and trying to change my life for the better.  I need to apply that thinking to the rest of my life.  Whatever the outcome is, although i think i will be devastated for a minute, i can get through it.  I havent been able to read my post since this started, and i dont know if i ever will cause i havent a clue what i wrote.  I may be heading for a new normal with Sasha, but then, im in a new normal now.
      Not all change is bad, and i have to say a lot of good has come from the past month, in terms of my relationship with Dames.  We are not going to change as a married couple, we are still married with 3 beautiful children. Ive just re-read that last sentance and it has hit me like a ton of bricks. 
      I have a lot to be thankful for, more than i realise.  Acceptance, well, like the serenity prayer says, accept the things i cannot change, and this is one of those things.
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21869
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  Thanks for the lovely and encouraging post on my thread.  I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your Dad so young … I can’t imagine how you must feel.  My Dad is 88 years old this year and he still calls me his baby girl.  He is a wonderful man who has taught me so much about love, responsibility and leadership.  I dishonor him and my wonderful late Mom with this gambling affliction.
      I am so thrilled that you are in the lovely place you’ve found today.  The last month has been a turmoil for you, but you have come through with flying colours.  I hope that you give yourself credit for wonderful strength and compassion.  Perhaps you were given this challenge to help you realize that you are a strong and resilient woman.  I am thrilled too that you see a possibility of a new normal with Sasha.  That speaks volumes of your capacity to love and accept.
      Keep up the great work on your recovery.
      All the best.
      RGThis moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #21870
      compulsiveme
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      Glad you and hubby had a wonderful trip together. Those things are important.
      Kathryn, this situation isn’t fair. But, you’re dealing with the facts very rationally. It’s only normal you are not going to feel exactly cheerful. The important thing is that you’re working with what you’ve got. No one can ask for more than that.
      I think you once wrote that the definition of insanity is to continue to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome. Well, as Harry pointed out, "you’re learning to deal with issues in a different way…" Hey, I think you may be sane afterall!  
      Really though, you absolutely amaze me. Watching you, is like watching a flower grow…just getting more beautiful everyday. 
      Take care of you.
      God bless. ***************************************************************************Aint nuthin’ gonna break my stride; aint nuthin’ gonna slow me down; oh no,oh no; I got to keep on goin’…

    • #21871
      daisy56
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      It is scary now that we are asking ourselves to face things that come along and not using avoidance and zoning out with gambling as a way to manage. You have certainly had mega big ‘things’ to face lately and you should be very proud with how you have coped. It is great that as you think about stuff you can see the positives in amongst the craziness.
      Thanks for your good advice to me too.
      Alison

    • #21872
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I havent much to post today, i have really been recovering from the weekend and the whirlwind that is my sister and her family.  Im feeling good about my gambling free days (54 to be exact), and i have really been enjoying my group sessions here.  I spend a lot of it laughing, and i really think that is the best medicine.
      Thanks to all who have posted, you know how much i appreciate it.
      I hope you have a wonderful gamble free day,
      Take care, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21873
      velvet
      Moderatore

       
      Hi Kathryn
      Just popped in to catch up.
      Your posts get more and more positive and it is great to see a gorgeous person emerging bit by bit.
      Applying the lessons we learned living with the compulsion to gamble (both as a CG and as non-CG) to other parts of our lives seems to make sense of the insensible to me. It gives the ‘unfairness’ of it all a reason.
      I had to deal with something the other week that had nothing to do with compulsive gambling whatsoever but without the lessons I have learnt from my CG and from these forums I would not have understood. I would have had trouble accepting.
      Like you I have a lot to be thankful for and ‘acceptance’ and ‘non-judgement’ come high on the list.
      Today I read about you in Australia with your whirlwind sister and family and I knew how you felt as you slid down the wall when they left even though you had enjoyed it.
      Without the uninvited experience that I had and the acceptance that I could not change that experience I would not have met you and so many other wonderful people. 
      I am glad that I have learnt to change one of the few things that I can (me) even if I can’t remember how old I am! I don’t think I said that I wasn’t 96 but then I don’t remember where I’ve put my teeth or my zimmer frame either. 
      Now where was I? Oh yes I was going to write to Kathryn ……………
      Loads of Love
      Velvet (I think) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
       

    • #21874
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well not very much happening in my part of the world today.  I have just dropped Harry off at kinder and Brea is home from school (study day…shes watching a movie!!!)
      Damian and Bailey are taking off up bush tomorrow morning for a 4 day weekend camping and fishing.  It will be nice to have the quiet, Brea is not normally home and Harry is so good he just amuses himself, although i am going to treat him to McDonalds tomorrow night.  Im working all weekend as i swapped last weekend so i could go to Sydney. 
      I am going to Jodies tonight for "our" night.  The Amazing Race is on…our favourite show and i have just been to the local bakery and bought 2 of the most disgusting, delicious looking cream cakes i could find for the occasion. I always bring the sweet and she does a dip and chip…YUM!!!
      Im looking forward to it and so is she..last night her 2yo discovered he could climb out of the cot.  Oh dear, he was up about 10 times, shes hardly had any sleep.  I dont miss that at all.
      So my gambling niggles as i call them are still always there, but i dont let them escalate at all.  No news from the DNA test, although i think it will be a couple of weeks till we know.
      I hope you all have a wonderful, gamble free day.
      Take care all, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21875
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Kathryn, your evening with Jodi sounds wonderful.  I am picturing those cream cakes as I type!  That’s wonderful that you have wholesome events to look forward to.  So much better and enjoyable than gambling.
      Thank you for your support on my slip yesterday.  It means a lot to me. I am back on tract.  Thanks, Sherry

    • #21876
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn
      I’m smiling at your description of your nights with Jodi too. Sounds like me and my best friend… our sweet treat when we get together is mini cream filled chocolate eclairs! we can scoff a whole box in one sitting and her husband is usually horrified when he comes looking for one and they’re gone!!
      Thanks for your tip-off for my sydney trip, about the baby elephant at the zoo! I was talking to (the same) best friend on the phone yesterday about something completely unrelated, and i suddenly blurted out "oh and we have to go to the zoo in sydney coz theres a baby elephant!"…. there was silence…then she laughed!   … You see, she would’ve been LESS surprised if I’d said…’can we go night-clubbing and dance all night?’ (she doesn’t drink, but I like my vino! and I like to boogie) LOL.
      We agreed we’d try and fit in the zoo, with the shopping, and the cafes and bars (seriously, i think we’ll give the nightclubs a miss! I’m not as young as I was when i last partied in sydney haha). I cant wait.
      Where would we be without our girlfiends!!!? We have been best friends since we were 11, and I truly know there is nothing we couldn’t face together! Sounds like you and Jodi are much the same. What a blessing they are.
      I love reading your posts kathryn. You are finding so many positives, and even on your darker days you are on here offering support and wisdom to others!
      I know it must be difficult awaiting the DNA results, but you know it will be what it will be, and you will be able to deal with it. The whole experience will add to your insight and wisdom and serve to give you even more strength in the future!
      Much love and light to you
      Meg
       "We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #21877
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Its 3.30am, and i just got through waving Damian and Bailey off on their big camping trip.  So what does one do at 3.30? What else.  I am still kicking myself over my post on Als thread.  Talk about mother mode. I felt sick to my stomach when i went to bed…im a ranting lunatic!!!!!
      I feel so good about my life at the moment in terms of not gambling and the good changes that have occured since that dreaded day…..i want everyone else to feel as good as i do.  Thats not to say that i dont have bad days, thats just life.  But the positives far outweigh the negatives at the moment and i do feel lucky and blessed.  If this site was not here for me to rant on i dont know what id do.
      So to Al, im sorry, and to the rest of you all, please forgive my moment of madness, this forum is here for us to say what we need to say, to be able to vent all our emotions and feelings when we need to, god knows ive done it a million times myself and if we cant do it here, then where?
      Wishing you all a wonderful gamble free day, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21878
      thebfunk
      Partecipante

      im glad to see you are still fighting the good fight. keep it up

    • #21879
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Thanks Brian for your post.  I had a lovely day with Jodie today.  We went shopping and i spent $80 on myself. I got a jacket and a cardigan.  I didnt even look at the price.  When we went to lunch, Jode commented that it was great to see me spending some money.  I told her that i never had any money to spend before, and all those years i was pretending i couldnt find anything i liked because i had spent all our money gambling.  She was gobsmacked.
      I hope you are all having a wonderful, gamble free day,
      bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21880
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      Its good to see a ‘normal’ person leading a ‘normal’ life again!!!
      I think its kinda normal for all of us at one point or another to speak their mind, I took no offense and if I am truthful I don’t see what the big deal is, if anything, it should be me apologising for my silly and inconsiderate email about how I am going to gamble on Saturday, I said the same crap last week and guess what, I didn’t gamble.
      I am expecting the worst from myself K, somewhere down the line, I have always let myself down and others and I think the pressure of actually succeeding and being honest with myself is actually causing more stress than actually gambling!
      All is good today and I am glad to see that you are feeling good K 🙂
      Keep those updates of yours coming, I just wish I could bring myself to tell my wife what a great bunch of friends I have met online, geeeeee, I sound like a right GEEK!
      PS…. only 7 weeks to ba ba number 2! wish me luck!
      Chat soon geek!Players do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21881
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Ive been thinking….you have all known me since i have stopped gambling, yes i had 1 slip, but the majority of what i write is post gambling.  I thought id write about when i was gambling, for a change.  The details are sketchy, i remember major incidences but the rest is a blur but i will tell you what i remember.
      I remember first going to the pokies with my mum.  We would go once a week, for a coulple of hours and spend $20 each. We did it for years, i never had a thought to go on my own, and to this day i dont remember the day i decided to go by myself.  I remember lots of times, going to my mums, asking her for a loan, spinning some **** about how we had no money, because i gambled it all away.  I have borrowed tens of thousands off my mum over the years…not once has she ever asked for me to pay it back, and whenever i offered she would say ‘no, you need it.’  Yeah, i needed it alright…woohoo more money to gamble.
      When i had Bailey, Brea was 8.  Damian used to have his mates over in the shed (boy time) on a Thursday night.  That was my night to go and have a play.  I used to leave the money at home, but soon worked out that if i stayed late enough, the kids would be asleep and if i turned off the headlights on the car i could drive up, sneak in and get more money without Damian ever knowing. I would leave an 8yo home with a little baby, Damian would be boozing in the shed, and Brea was stuck with a bawling kid. Did i care…no way.
      This was about the time my gambling was getting out of control.  I dont know how, but we managed to get enough money to buy a house. On thinking, i think Mum gave us the money for the deposit, and as it wasnt a huge loan, $85,000 we got it easily.  Our first home. Then our Harry was born, i had severe post natal depression, and everyone was tiptoeing around me.  I could gamble whenever i wanted because i would be out of their hair.  The lunatic woman who couldnt love her family. Mix gambling with depression and its not pretty.   I had accumulated so much debt, that i had ruined Damians (not mine ) credit and our only way out was to sell our house.  I was gutted. We sold our house for 210,000.  We were left with $50,000 after everything was paid.  That money lasted for another 18 months maybe.  I blew the lot on gambling.
      Even after all this, after losing our home, the one we had soooo many plans for, i still gambled.  I was going to GA, going to counselling and stopping on the way home to gamble.  I never stopped.  Until now.
      It has taken me years and years to get to this point in my life.  I dont know how deeply i affected my children with my gambling.  In between these events in my life, there were a million fights, a gazillion tears and a family torn apart by my illness. There are lies that i have told that i can never repeat, they make me sick to my stomach.  I didnt care what i said, i just wanted money to gamble.  I have done unspeakable things.  But that was then.
      I found GT.  I found all of you, who have been instrumental in helping me through this.  I have been free for 57 days.  I have been happy for 57 days (for the most part!!!!)
      I know that no matter what i have a place that is mine, that i can rant, rave, cry, laugh and just be me.  Finally, i see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I see hope.  I see posibility.
      Sorry for the length, its proboably a tenth of what really happened, im sure i blocked some things out as they are too painful. But you all get the gist. Special mentions in this story go to Dames and Jode…they stood by me and held me up when i couldnt.  They are the best, and have seen the best, and worst in me.  They never stopped loving me, even when i hated myself. My other special mention is to Harry, here at GT.  My life is richer for knowing you, your help, compassion and understanding goes above and beyond.
      Thanks for reading, bye for now, Kathryn xx
      Fighting the good fight…One day at a time– 8/08/2009 10:53:24 AM: post edited by kathryn.

    • #21882
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Good morning Kathryn…well, it’s morning here!  Just browsing the site, and saw this post from you.  I think the efforts we make to differentiate the "gambling us" from the "non-gambling us" are interesting.  Like you, I have a story that is riddled with behavior I am ashamed of, lies I can’t believe I told, a secretive life that  no one was allowed in to.  I have come to think that perhaps our behavior is simply on a continuum, and that each one of us is capable of good and evil.  Well, evil is a strong word, but "bad" doesn’t seem to cover it.  We really can’t chop our life up into neat segments – the person that was, and the person that is.  And so we must always shape our environment and our thoughts to ensure that the "bad" behavior is not expressed.  Given free rein – no end of money, no commitments, no responsibilities – I can’t tell you for sure what I would be doing right now.  Maybe I would be indulging in all the "bad" things, and maybe I wouldn’t.  But all of those behaviors and thoughts are within me, I can only choose to exercise the ones that bring me happiness.  That means that I am concentrating on the "good" side of the continuum.  I just believe that we can only really understand ourselves if we look at our past and present as a whole. 
      The neat thing is that once you gain distance from your compulsive behavior, you are actually able to start having this exploration within yourself.  You can look at the continuum of your behavior, and make rational choices about how you want to live.  You are doing so well, you are justly proud of yourself.  I think my magic number today is 169, and I can tell you for sure that 170 days ago I could not know that my life would be as good as it is today.  Very simply, because I got up for 169 days and said "today I will not gamble".  The simple act – the profound outcome.  Keep going strong girl, you deserve a life well lived.

    • #21883
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Kathryn, thanks for sharing so much of your gambling life.  It’s important to remember who we were when we gambled and writing it down makes it so much clearer.  I’m sorry you and your family had to go through all of that.  I am sorry for all our families.  Gambling is a terrible addiction but at least we found our way here and we are doing everything we can to change. 
      You’re coming up on a 2 month milestone.  That’s fantastic!  Keep adding up those day.
      Sherry

    • #21884
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Dear Kathryn
      As always I applaud your openness and honesty. Posts like that are not always easy for any of us to read, but i know they must be so much harder to write!!! The fact that you are able to do so, speaks volumes of your progress and you should feel so proud.
      Like Sherry, I’m sorry any of us have to go through any of this…. but we do. None of us consciously chose to have this addiction in our lives…. and here it is! But the joy is, we are here, on this site, pushing through the pain of it, and dealing with it on a daily basis. Healing and learning and growing as we go! Life can just get better and better!!!
      As for my "sydney-status"…… NO! I am not a ‘know-it-all on sydney’! haha. far from it! Like you, I’m coming up to my 40th, and i was 25 when i left sydney! So i haven’t a clue as to where you could go with Brea. However, being the same age as you, I know exactly the type of place youre talking about, so if I stumble across one (haha hopefully not literally) on my trip, I’ll let ya know!
      Much love and light
      meg xxx
       "We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #21885
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hello kathryn,   Thanks for your thoughts on my thread.   Very much appreciated to be thought of and to take your time in writing to me.  I am better today and looking forward to more gamble free days.
      That was quite a post on your life as a gambler.  Kathryn,you have come a long way in such a short time. I’m so proud of you.  I know how hard it is to quit. You have such a great attitude and have such a great family.  I miss those days of bringing up my daughter so enjoy every minute of your kids.   They are blessings from heaven, even when they act up from time to time.
      Take care Kathryn and hand in there.   Danielle 

    • #21886
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      There was an interesting article in yesterdays paper about a very well known footballer who has come out and admitted he is a compulsive gambler.  What was so interesting, was that he is from another state, and he has decided to stay in Melbourne until he is "cured" of his illness.  I think he’d better by a house down here, cause if he thinks he is ever going to be cured, he is living in a bubble.
      One day at a time is all we can do to manage this illness…looking too far down the road only spells disaster. It just goes to show the lack of understanding of problem gamblers, if there was a cure, who of us would be on this site?
      I hope you all have a wonderful gamble free day,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21887
      jba
      Partecipante

      hi my besty, its been so long since i posted that it took me 5 goes to remember what password id used to log on… lol..i just read your post about your gambling days and i am sobbing.. i dont really know why because i have heard the story before but i guess i didnt hear the emotion… i hate that you have had that pain and sadness in your life. God you are doing so well i am so god damn proud of you!!! We will be rich by the time we go to jamaica the way youre going, only 12 yrs to save you know!!! woops forgot the cruise!!! we will be gettin our groove back all over the country sista!
      love you jode xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
      p.s. hey girlfriend you must of just about hit the 60 day mark????? woo hoo

    • #21888
      mnewell
      Partecipante

      Hi Kat,
           Just wanted to let you know that I think (and I do) staying extremely positive is an acceptional tool for recovery!  Also, look at picking up a new hobby to fill the void of time for when you were commiting the wrong!!  Something, anything!!!  Choose something that you’ll enjoy and look forward to doing for a long time to come.  Basket weaving, tennis, start a small managable business, get a nintendo wii to play games and exercise.  Alot of motivational speakers believe that you should exercise to make the mind healthy.  Join a local gym and start off slow but steady and work your way up.  Heck, mabey begin to train to run a 5k marathon(3.2 miles).  Then, the skys the limit. 
      Keep it up,
      MnewellOn my way back to winning my losings!!!!!   LOL!!!!

    • #21889
      velvet
      Moderatore

       
      Hi Kathryn
      I wish I had a best friend to eat disgusting, delicious looking cream cakes with even Meg who is so rude to me has one to share her choccie éclairs with. My friends all do the health food bit!!
      I was shocked to read that Meg is too old at ‘nearly 40’ to go nightclubbing in Sydney – I must tell the poor old thing that I can still boogie the night away and I like my vino too.
      I absolutely loved Australia. 
      I did go to the zoo when we were in Sydney so I assume it must have been the Taronga Zoo but it was the wombats that got my vote back then.   My favourite memory though is sitting with the pelicans on the beach at Monkey Mia waiting for the dolphins to arrive. I never thought a pelican could be such great and funny company.
      Your post about your gambling was very honest and I think would have taken a lot out of you to write. I am glad that you found GT as well because it has been great getting to know you and you have added so much to the F&F forum.
      I am very aware that you are soon to get the results of the DNA test. Your posts are much more positive and I believe implicitly that positive thought and acceptance are the keys to how we handle the ups and downs in our lives. I like the sound of your new normal and that you are accepting that Sasha may be part of your new normal – well done for using her name xx
        
      Thinking about you and those mouth-watering cakes
      Loads of Love
      Velvet xxxx
       

    • #21890
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Hi… I wasn’t posting after my slip last weekend, but I have been reading.  Glad things are doing so well with you.  You sound good.  Ready to take on the world.  Have a great day.  NancyLife isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

    • #21891
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      60 days today….WOOHOO!!!!!  As always though, i will not gamble today.
      Have a great day all,
      bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21892
      Anonimo
      Ospite

       60 days!!!  You rock, Kathryn.  Treat yourself to something lovely, even if it’s just a fancy coffee (mocha latte, anyone?)  You deserve to celebrate.  I’m so VERY proud of your achievement. 
      I hear you on the kids shoes thing.  I have to gear up this week to go uniform shopping for my boys.  Their school year starts in September.  Have to go through everything and see what is needed.  Sure it will be at least $500 to get each equipped.  Haven’t worked for the past two months (chose to stay home with boys on their summer vacation), so money is a little tight.  (Thank God I stopped gambling when I did )
      Had a lovely walk this evening with my dog.  It was humid and sticky, but I’m so glad I did it.  REALLY determined to get to prepregancy weight.  Went to the library today, got lovely free movies and exercise dvds and some self-improvement books (LOVE those). It’s 2 a.m. and I’m still not asleep.  Just finished a lovely bath, now planning to do a bit of websurfing, then sleep.
      Thanks for your lovely post.  I always enjoy hearing from you.
      All the best and great big HIP HIP HOORAYS from Canada.
      RGThis moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #21893
      alice
      Partecipante

      hey Kathryn,
      CONGRATULATIONS!!!! 60 days is great! How good does that feel to be able to say that! Well done and keep stong!
      Alice x"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

    • #21894
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hi kathryn!
      Go girl!! Big high-five comin to ya from across the tasman!! Well done!
      Meg xxx"We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #21895
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I had decided today that i needed to go and get some shoes for Bailey, as i told RG earlier, i took him to school this morning and when he got out of the car i saw his shoes.  His whole toe was hanging out to my horror.  He stated ‘its ok mum, its only one foot!’ Well that must make it ok then…anyway we decided to have a family trip to KMart…which i think is the same al Wal Mart.  Anyway, im imagining a lovely trip, stopping in all the isles to look at the latest bargains, buying myself something, maybe and we are all laughing and talking and having a lovely time.
      HELLO REALITY!!! The kids were whinging they wanted something, Dames had road rage on the way in, Brea was trying to keep the peace, Harry wouldnt try on a jumper because it ‘didnt work’ (dont ask), Damian didnt like Baileys shoes he had picked so he wasnt happy, it just went on and on.  We were there for a whole 40 minutes until i cracked it and said ‘get in the car, we’re going home"…
      Why do i put these expectations on myself, on my family.  It never works out!!!  Although im laughing now, i was sooo wild.  Oh well, im over it, although i will never do a family trip to KMart again.  Im out!!!!!
      On a nicer note, my brother rang me tonight, he is up north on a holiday and i havent spoken to him since March.  He and his wife are having a lovely time.  We dont talk often, he is 17yrs older than me and when our dad died he tried to take over…not acceptable to a 16yo. Its by the by now, but it was nice for him to ring, he will be down in about 3 weeks so we will catch up then and look at his 5 million photos…lol.
      I hope you all had a lovely day…although by the time you read this is will proboably be tomorrow!!!!
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21896
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn
      I was just about off to bed, when i read your post about the shopping trip! I am SOOO laughing with ya! My son has school shoes JUST like that too… and I bet when you asked Harry WHY the jumper ‘didn’t work’, he just rolled his eyes at you???!!
      We ALL put these expectations on ourselves and personally I BLAME DISNEY MOVIES! LOL
      My kids were watching one recently where the mom was all ‘apple pie’, she was caring and sharing, she did amazingly cool things with her kids, she was never grumpy and endlessly forgiving! Oh and did I mention she was also drop dead gorgeous too?!  Ugh. I’m sure the movie had a story line but I didn’t pick it up, I was too busy being mortified by the fact my kids were lapping this stuff up!
      I wanted to slam-dunk the OFF button and scream at them "don’t you KNOW real mothers are NOT LIKE THIS!!" … but i knew i wouldn’t be able to help myself and I’d then finish the sentence with something like…" and anyway you should be doing your homework, your bike is STILL lying in the driveway and I’m so damn sick of picking up after everyone in the place!"… so i thought it best to leave them to their fantasy… while i went straight to the kitchen to bake them some brownies (NOT!)
      Sleep well with those 60 days under your belt babe!
      love and light
      meg xxx
       

    • #21897
      handam
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn, a BIG thank you for your wonderful support on my thread. I really appreciate it. I’m o k now, recovering from my slip, but feeling annoyed with myself for sleeping in too late today and not making the most of my day off. I think my brains way of dealing with stress is to sleep more!!!
      I lol reading your post about your family outing to kmart. I can relate to your experience, my daughter was a nightmare to take anywhere when she was younger. She is now 16 and a pleasure to be with (most of the time!!!). and meglee , you are so right about those movies. There is no such thing as a perfect mum, you just need to be ‘good enough’.
      Well done on your gamble free days, Kathryn, you are inspirational. I hope i can get to 60 days+, one day at a time.
      (((((((hugs)))))))
      Andrea x

    • #21898
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      RG, Alice, Meg and Andrea, thanks for your lovely words of encouragement.
      I checked the DNA website this morning and they have recieved Damians sample but Fester and Sashas havent arrived yet.  I am getting a bit toey, i want this over and done with so i am going to ring Fester today and see what is going on, if they have sent it.  I rang Damian and he is going to message Sasha to get their home phone number.  The reason i am going to ring is because i know the information, and to be truthful, i think im better off ringing, Dames is just ignoring it, well he wants too and as i said to him this morning, this is not going away.
      I told him that there might be some changes but we have to find out and move forward, without the elephant in the room. I dont know what he thinks is going to happen, matter of fact, i think ill ask him that when i next get the chance. Im working tonight so he will proboably be in bed when i get home.
      Thats all my goss for today, well, its only 9.30am so if there are any developments ill let you all know.
      Have a wonderful gamble free day, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21899
      howanan
      Partecipante

      I am glad you are keeping strong through all this.  I think all men would rather keep their head in the sand and let the wives do all the mental work.  My husband is like that.  Today I have to call his high school where he graduated 31 years ago to get a copy of his diploma.  He needs it for his new job.  But I really don’t mind.  Kathryn, when all this is done that is the time you will have to keep your guard up.  When there is a break and everything is going good, that is when that urge will hit big time.  So beware.  Have a good day………….NancyLife isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

    • #21900
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hi K,
      must say I had a laugh at your family outing to KMart, I only have the one (at the monent) and i know what that feels like! What I have noticed is that I tend to get stressed less these days, I am 100% putting this down to not gambling, yet another positive in my books.
      I hope you and your family are doing well, it makes me 🙂 to think about other people getting on with their lives, being a CG will NOT stop us from living our lives!!!!!!!!!
       Players do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21901
      velvet
      Moderatore

       
      Hi Kathryn
      I think you are doing well with your attitude to the DNA. You are taking control of the situation which is a positive move and all positive moves and thinking must be good for you at this time. Hiding away is old behaviour and not part of this new wonderful Kathryn.
      I didn’t realise when you talked about the elephant in the zoo that you had brought him home but I am sure you will send him back very soon – you are thinking for everyone and the elephant has to go – too expensive to feed and there is not enough room on the sofa. Mind you he might behave himself in Kmart apart from the mess on the floor but you can always pretend it had nothing to do with you xx.
      Have you found with three children that if you try and photograph them – one is always not looking or pulling a face? 
      thinking about you
      Loads of Love
      Velvet xxxxxxxxxxxxx
       

    • #21902
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Ive been a bit down in the dumps.  I got home from work last night and Damian told me he had rang Fester.  She told him that she had only recieved 1 swab when she should have got 2 so she contacted them and they had sent her another one and she was sending it all off today.  Thats not why i was upset.
      Damian then proceeded to tell me that she had asked about me, how i was, and he was very sketchy with the rest.  He said she always asked how i was????? That set me off, i said ‘last time she contacted you it was by sms’ and he said ‘yes thats right’, then got all snippy with me.  When i asked what was wrong he said he was sick of talking about it.
      So heres my point… i am feeling that i am being deliberately left out of the loop here.  I am getting paranoid that all these little conversations are going on behind my back (which he denies) and i feel i cant ask him anything without him getting ****ty when i know damn well that when hes on the phone to Fester he is being all charming and nice.
      Anyway, he went to bed, i had a good chat to Harry and felt somewhat better.  I rang him this morning and said i wanted to ask him a question about the phone call last night without him getting ****ty with me.  I asked what he had said when Fester asked how i was.  He said that i was slowly coming to terms with things and asked my why i wanted to know.  I told him about how i felt, and how i needed to know what was being said, for my own sanity and reassurance (im not threatened by her at all in a ‘he likes her’ way) but i need to know what is being said.  He said he would fill me in on the whole conversation when he got home from work, and its not me he’s crabby at.
      Now, i do know all this, i know its a touchy subject but i am trying soooo hard to be accepting and even though i may come across as the lovely wife, i am struggling with it. Now i know that the test results are proboably about 10 days away, im feeling a bit sad about it all.  Maybe its just a bad day on my part, but i know what im feeling is there, im feeling it and i cant help feeling it regardless of what i know….that we will be ok.
      Have a great day everyone,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21903
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hi K,
      its just another chapter that you are dealing with very well. It takes a special kind of person to do what you are doing so well done for your PMA. Us men find it hard to talk at the best of times so when it comes to things like this I am sure D is trying his best to ‘open up’ that said, you are perfectly within your rights to know what is going on, I wouldn’t want some other man speaking with debs (my wife) without knowing what the hell was being said…
      Keep strong and its interesting to see that you never mentioned urges in your last email, that can hopefully on be a good thing K. You can and will work through this, you have a great network of friends and family to listen to you bi*ch anytime you like!!!
      PS… your trip to KMart reminds me of the film ‘Little Miss Sunshine’
      Take care OzPlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21904
      sury
      Partecipante

      Hi kathryn, I’ve been reading your thread since I’ve joined in, you are doing well, thankyou for sharing all those feeling and thought,  how’s work?

    • #21905
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Kathryn,  What you are feeling is betrayal.  That’s hard to swallow.  In 10 more days the waiting will be over.  Damien loves you.  Fester is nothing!  You two have had a good marriage and this has brought you both closer.  Not all bad is coming out of this situation.  I don’t understand why Fester waited all these years to contact you both.  What is expected of your husband if he is the father.  Have you asked him this.  Are you to be a part of Sasha’s life?  You can’t blame the daughter for the sins of the parents.  Please remember that.  She is innocent.  I pray it all works out for your family…………….NancyLife isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

    • #21906
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Vera, i am a control freak, but i like to say that i like to ‘be organised”  Thank you for your empathy, sometimes i feel i am going crazy and then i feel that i shouldnt be feeling that way. Thanks for the validation, sometimes, when im spewing my thoughts on the page i feel that i may be over-reacting but at the same time, the feelings are very real at the time of writing.
      I am very concerned about Fester.  When Dames got home last night we had a big talk and i asked him everything i wanted to know.  He answered honestly, but there was one thing he said that made every hair on my body stand up on end.  He said that she jokingly said to him that once the results come back, and Sasha is playing up, she will be able to send her to him (or us).  He said he didnt say a word, he didnt know what to say to that.  My gut is telling me that we are going to have problems with Fester, and i believe women have terrific intuition.
      She also said that Sasha is upset because Dames hasnt rung or contacted her.  Dames just said that we are waiting for the test to come back, and he will take it from there.  Is this Fester a lunatic?  Why on earth would he ring her before we even know if she is his.  If it turned out that she isnt (which i doubt) the poor child will be traumatised.  He should have never ever gone to meet her before we got the results. I told him at the time but he had said he was going….
      Anyway, all that said, we talked about what we thought was going to happen, and how we are feeling now.  We are both scared stiff, so at least we are on the same page, i think we need to talk more, we had ignored it for a month but nows the time to keep talking so we know what is going through each others mind. 
      I havent gambled now for 63 days, i am trying to keep positive, and this is certainly a positive part of my life.  I do need this to be over, im so tired of thinking about it, i dont know how long this is going to go on.
      Anyway, i hope you all have a wonderful gamble free day,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21907
      thebfunk
      Partecipante

      63 days is great. keep going!

    • #21908
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Great job Kathryn!  If you can make it through 63 days with all the Fester turmoil, you are one strong woman!  BTW, I smile everytime you mention ‘Fester’.  A famous political figure had an affair and maybe a child with his affair…and his wife (Elizabeth Edwards) was on Oprah under the condition the other woman’s name wasn’t mentioned.  She didn’t want to give that woman any notoriaty or importance.  I think she should have taken your lead and just called her Fester/Festus or some unflattering name.  I’m sure she has called her many other unflattering names…just not in public. Hopefully, after the results, Fester will fade into the sunset and the daughter will settle back into her own life after the novelty wears off. 
      Enjoy your daily gamble-free milestones. I enjoy reading your accompishments too.
      Sherry 

    • #21909
      babybutterfly927
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      Don’t mean to be a worry wort but I am used to seeing you here every single day. When I didnt see your name anywhere I wondered if you were ok. I’m still new to this and don’t know if you have posted and I just don’t see it or what. Thinking of you and this drama you are dealing with, and praying it all works out for the best.Keeping the faith

    • #21910
      marla
      Partecipante

      Hey Kath,
      Just wanted to drop by and thankyou for your continued help and support, it’s really means a lot to me and I hope in time I can return the favour 🙂
      Stay strong, you can do this. You ARE doing this 🙂
       

    • #21911
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Just catching up on the Fester saga (lol).  That name just makes me smile, although I know the situation is far from funny.  I know what an agonizing time this must be.  It has upset your world, regardless of the results.  I have a suggestion…don’t know whether it will help or not.  I am not a particularly great communicator in intimate relationships – and when my ex and I were going through a stressful time, I suggested that we keep a journal together.  I would write what I was feeling, and he would as well.  No judgement, just our thoughts laid out for each other to see.  It worked out very well, we actually kept it for a couple of years.  It may not have solved the real issue (poor communication), but at least we were on the "same page" as it were.  You, Dames and Brea are in my thoughts Kathryn, because I believe there is so much love there.

    • #21912
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Butterfly, i am still here, i have been doing a lot of reading when ive had time…thanks Marla and Marilee, i will keep the journal idea in my mind, although i dont know if Dames would be in for a go.
      Ive been working this weekend, yesterday (sat) i worked 7-3 and was so tired when i got home i didnt have the energy to write, and today was a good day, my boss called me yesterday and wanted me to work at 2 different facilities today, and then told me i could knock off at 1 instead of 3 and be paid for the full shift!!!  So i did that, of course and when i got home Dames asked me if i wanted to go to the footy.  Brea said she would look after the boys (god love her) so i said ok and we made the 1 1/2 hour drive to Melbourne.  When we got there we had to stand in line to buy tickets, we would be up with the Gods but we didnt care.  As we were standing there a man and a woman came up to us and asked if we were buying tickets, we said yes and then he said, listen, i have 2 tickets i cant use.  You can have them!!!! We tried to give him some money but he wouldnt take it so we bought him and his wife a drink…how nice is that????
      We had amazing seats, on the first level, and as we had to sit with them he told us he got the tickets from his work for nothing and didnt want to waste them.  They were lovely people. Unfortunately, we didnt win the game, our best kick had a shot for goal after the final siren and missed. Oh well, thats footy.
      So now im home, i have a short work week this week which i really need, it wont be long till the results arrive, you all know ill post when i know.
      I havent gambled for 65 days, Dames and i were talking on the way home and both said we could have never just jumped in the car and gone to Melbourne in our ‘gambling days’, we simply would not have the money.  His mother is coming down this weekend coming, i will leave her for another day, she is a whole other story!!!!
      I hope you have all had a wonderful gamble free weekend,
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21913
      alice
      Partecipante

      hey kathryn
      how lucky is that in regards to the tickets?! i wish things like that happened to me! things happening like that shows me that there are still decent people in this world and that life can be good.
      way to go on your 65 days free that is great. it is even better that you are feeling the benefits of not gambling such as being able to just jump in the car and go to a footie match.
      well done kathryn and stay strong. i’m glad you’ve got a short work week this week, you deserve a break.
      alice x"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

    • #21914
      linnie44
      Partecipante

      Congrats on your time gamble free! Wow!    Wanted to let you know I enjoy reading your posts to others. You are such a comfort!
      ((hugs)) *life is good

    • #21915
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I was feeling a bit down in the dumps today, just playing around on the computer when i got onto youtube.  If anyone is having a crappy day i suggest you get on that site, type in dancing and watch 2 things.  1 is the evolution of dance. 2 is the JK wedding dance.  It was hysterical, i had tears running down my face from laughing.  A great pick me up.
      As for me i havent gambled, still waiting for you know what.
      Have a great day all, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21916
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  Thanks for your post on my thread.  I too love YouTube … it’s amazing what you can find on it.  Congratulations on your continuing abstention from gambling.  You’re a real inspiration to me, not only because you’re slaying the dragon, but because you’re a shining example of a strong and positive woman.  You are woman, hear you roar, lol!!!This moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #21917
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      HI K,
      thank you for your support though I can’t help feeling guilty, guilty that I am letting myself and my GT friends down. I know that I need to do this for me and me alone but I suppose a small part of me felt that I owed it to you guys to be strong, respected by others etc. I know that I am a good person but what does eat me is the thought that my son/daughter is going to be brought into this world in 6 weeks time and all I can think about is having a weekly bet…. not good, its only a small bet, but I could use that money to buy myself or family a small gift, even a chinese is better spent than gambling. I hope that you continue your pledge and please know that I think what you are doing is great, you and many many other members are a true inspiration to me.
      Take care and I will keep in touch..
      My goal today is not to gamble (hypocrite I know) but that is all I can do.
      chat soon :-)Players do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21918
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,  I will have to check out those dances on You Tube.  I know you are going through a nervous time right now,  but you will get through it.  Think of all the positives.  Have a great day.  God bless…….NancyLife isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

    • #21919
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn…just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you as you and Dames await the results of the paternity test.  I can only imagine the turmoil…and you have been incredibly strong throughout this trial and I know you will remain so.  Find a reason to laugh and enjoy your life…even if it takes YouTube to do it!  If you laughed at that, go back to YouTube and type in Dutch Testicles.  I laughed until I thought I would pee my pants!  Strange sense of humor I have.  Anyways, you are doing so well, I’m proud of you and I know your family is glad to have "Kathryn" back.

    • #21920
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Thank you Nancy and Marilee, those words were appreciated more than you know.
      I feel that i am in limbo at the moment, that the world is standing still until these results come through, the way its going it will not be till next week so i have a ways to go.  I actually feel emotionally empty right now, i have no feeling, i am numb.  What i do know is that it will be ok, whatever happens.  It feels like its taking an eternity.
      I actually thought yesterday that i might have a look at an online gambling site.  That thought was quickly erased but i am going to install betfilter.  I have never ever thought of online gambling before, and i  never thought i would consider it, the need to zone out is pretty strong at the moment, so i had better get on with it before disaster strikes.
      Dont get me wrong, i do not want to gamble, i have come to far to want to go back there, i just need to pop up another barrier to reduce temptation.
      I hope you all have a wonderful gamble free day,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21921
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  Now is the time to be good to yourself, not to sabotage yourself.  Can you imagine how awful you’d feel if you were to gamble on top of all that is going on?  Online gambling is certainly not all it’s cracked up to be.  After the first time I banned, I also thought about it.  But then I actually tried it and lost hundreds and hundreds (probably thousands, but I’m trying to let it go).  I put Gamblock on my main computer and only have the laptop unprotected b/c hubby still likes to have a go at poker on weekends. If it puts your mind at ease, you get exactly the same sick feeling as you do at the casino after you’ve lost … the only minor "positive" is you don’t have to drive home.  You never really walk away with anything.  Even if you do, you’re right back it the next day.  So, no great shakes … same old, same old.
      I’m proud of myself today.  I had to work on the laptop, b/c my husband was using my office.  He went out midway through the day and forgot I had access to the laptop.  I was alone, and I definitely thought about using just $50 for a quick few spins.  Before I could go even one second further down that road, I shut down the computer.  My husband has it password protected, so I couldn’t log back on.
      Kathryn, you’re at a critical crossroad in your life.  Be kind to yourself. I know it’s sometimes hard to remember how to be good to ourselves (and we believe gambling is a "treat" that we’re missing).  Give yourself something special for all the time you’ve been gamble free.  Honour yourself and your hard work and get that betfilter on before you’re tempted again.  
      I’m thinking of you and wishing you the very best.
      RG This moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #21922
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Kathryn, glad you didn’t do the online gambling!!!  I’ve never gambled online but I think that is riskier than casino gambling…and look where that has gotten us! Good idea to install a gambling block just in case.  You’re doing great.

    • #21923
      velvet
      Moderatore

       
      Dear Kathryn
      Whatever happens you will be alright. Kathryn that is brilliant.  You might feel happier but you won’t feel worse. xx
      Would it help to believe ‘now’ that Sasha is Damian’s daughter and then you will either have already accepted the worst in advance or you will be relieved that she is not?
      Dames is showing you his anger because he cannot undo what has happened. He has the guilty feelings – you do not. I certainly don’t believe that it is only a CG trait that directs anger towards the wrong person when there are guilty feelings. My daughter always shouted at me when she arrived late as if it was ‘my’ fault she had a time-keeping problem. Attack is the best form of defence – works most times. We accepted she would always be late and she stopped shouting.
      Feeling numb and in limbo is not a good place to be for any of us. I feel numb and in limbo at the thought I might have to get my zimmer frame on a flight to Australia to clock on the nose someone I have come to care about very much because she even considered on-line gambling!
      I cannot write often enough because F&F keeps me busy but I do care very much and I do read your thread. Now give that hungry elephant a bun and tell him he has to go.
      Loads of Love – thinking about you
      Velvet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • #21924
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Kathryn… Install bet filter.  I have never gambled on line, but I have played the free slots from AOL.  Even they are very addictive.  I could sit there hours zoning out and for what?  Nothing.  Just loss of my time.  Take a long walk or a long bath.  You will survive…..  All will be well………….NancyLife isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

    • #21925
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Velvet and Nancy, thanks for your posts, i will be installing betfilter…i still find it a little wierd that i even considered it for one second, it was a fleeting thought but one that i have to ensure doesnt sneak back up on me.
      I have a relatively busy day today, im going to get my monobrow made into 2, i need to buy a new kettle (damian dropped ours in the sink full of water) and im going to have a coffee with a friend i went to highschool with.  Shes great and was a big help with my finances when i stopped gambling.  I now have 4 days off, which i really need, just to relax and catch up on some housework.  I have a funeral tomorrow afternoon, my auntie Betty…she was a resident at the aged care facility i work at, and i watched that poor woman go from an extremely large woman to a bag of bones.  So i am taking mum with me, shes the sister of Betty’s husband.  As awful as it sounds, i will be catching up with a lot of my family that i havent seen for years so that part will be good.
      I went and had a meeting with my boss last night when i got to work, in regards to the new workload that we have now.  I told her it was unrealistic and i made a few suggestions that still have us doing the same job, but lighten the load on the second round, which is the problem.  She was pretty good really, i just told her how it was, that we werent coping, and she got me to go through all the meds that can be given at 5 instead of 8, which turned out to be 7.  That will make life a lot easier for us. Ive never really stood up like that before, so i was pretty proud of myself.
      Well, i hope you all have a wonderful gamble free day,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xx
      PS: Velvet, you know you can stay with me anytime you like, im just not sure where i can put you, you know, with the elephant and all!!!!!
      xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21926
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hello Kathryn  First, I am so sorry about your Auntie.   God bless you for taking such good care of her at the nursing home.  She must had really appreciated and felt safe, knowing that you were close by and watching over her.  It’s so sad when we lose our loved ones, even if they are old.   It seems the longer we have them, the harder it is to let them go.
      Glad you are going to remove the urge to do online gambling.  I never did it but have heard it’s worse than Casino gambling.  You don’t need to get into that Kathryn.   Your doing so well without gambling and have come a long way.  Your a great support for others here too.  I’m so glad you decided to join the forum.   Isn’t it great we can come here and express ourselves, whether it be good or bad.
      Well, it won’t be long before you get your news.  I do hope that whatever the results are, you can accept.  I know how tough this has been for you and your family.  You seem like the kind of person that will turn whatever the outcome is, into a positive.  Life sure can throw us some curves. 
      What is a monobrow?  Danielle

    • #21927
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      Just thought i would get a catch up on how life was treating you..
      Sorry to hear about you Auntie, that seems to be the one downside to living, the passing away part, I hope so had a good innings and good luck for the funeral.
      well done for taking a stand with regards to your boss, its great to see that you have the confidence to speak with her one on one as opposed to maybe turning to gambling for comfort. Hopefully the stress levels will be at a minimum and I am really proud of you for making this move…
      BTW. monobrow, hahah quality!
      chat soon
      AlPlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21928
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn
      Been thinkin of you! … as you know I’m planning sydney trip, and everytime i think of the baby elephant at the zoo – I think of you, and your ‘elephant in the corner’ that i hope, for your sake, is now house trained !
      Ahhh theres nothing more liberating for a woman than having ill-placed facial hair removed eh!! Its worth the few moments of agony, and the few hours of red skin and swelling. haha. Its alright for you to laugh Al, you guys can just deal to it with a razor! Ya wanna try some hot wax some time fellas…ouch. i reckon there’d be more men with beards! LOL!
      I’ve just come from a funeral today Kathryn. I find funerals a great time for reflecting on where we are at, and how far we’ve come. Theres nothing like death to remind us to LIVE everyday like its our last! And to remind us of who and what is really important to us! I went to the funeral with my dad, and hugged him extra tight when we said goodbye, and reminded him how much I love him.
      Betfilter sounds like a good option! Might be better than having Velvet on your doorstep looking to bop ya on the nose!!!? Though with the way airport security is these days, they probably wouldn’t let her on the plane with that zimmerframe of hers……they’d deem it a weapon of mass destruction!! LOL
      Sleep well! Night.
      Meg"We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #21929
      davlen
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      Thankyou for you post. ive just been catching up on yours and i am impressed at how well you are doing on the gambling front despite all that your personal life is throwing at you.  this emotional stress can be such a major trigger to make you gamble yet you are still staying strong. i hope the test turns out the way you want. i will say this tho. you cant change the result tho you can choose not to gamble. that way day by day you will grow stronger and more able to cope with everything life throws your way. 
      Kind regards Dave  

    • #21930
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hi K,
      Something I noticed whilst reading other members threads….
      Your name, you…. "Kathryn", It keeps coming up time and time AGAIN!!!!
      Its like, every thread has a mention and a thank you about youuuuuuuuuu.
      You offer sooo much support to other members and I thought id give it a mention.
      I know we are all in the same boat here (big fecking boat) but be proud of what you are doing here, you are a well respected member who offers sooo much with regards to support and advice.
      I hope your family are keeping well and I hope you are keeping yourself busy, not going to tell you how to suck eggs and all but this disease has a habit of popping up when you least expect it!
      Keep her lit!
      ps… you are a super Freak!

      Al
       Players do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21931
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hi Chook
      Great to see you in group. Ahh… I really needed a laugh today!! Thanks! Have replied to your post on my thread.
      Meg xxxx"We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #21932
      marilee
      Partecipante

      So glad the monobrow has now been tamed. Just wait for menopause…hair sprouts where no hair should be. Sorry guys, don’t read the trials and tribulations of being a woman. Just skip this post and go back to wondering why women don’t like guys with socks and sandals. I have tried being at one with all of my “gifts” (extra hair and skin, wrinkles as deep as a topographical map, body parts moving slowly south) but I just can’t give up on trying to lighten, wax, tighten or erase.
      Maybe we need to open a GT beauty advise section! We’ll be so busy plucking and pushing that we won’t have time to gamble! lol Glad to see that you are doing so well K, I love to see your sense of humor coming to the forefront!

    • #21933
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Today is my 71st day gamble free, i didnt realise had gone past the 70 day mark.
      Anyway, i have my mother in law down for the weekend. She is a good stick, although she drinks A LOT and gets very loud and rowdy.  Im not a drinker so i usually end up going to bed to the peace and quiet. She had taken the boys out for breakfast this morning so it is lovely and quiet here.
      Im not doing a lot today, im going grocery shopping and i have to take Harry for a haircut…he decided that his hair was getting in his eyes so he cut some off so he could see…his hair is pure white so it is very noticable.  Hes decided he wants a spike…there goes the beautiful blonde locks.  Mind you, he has a big chunk out of the front so a spike will be much better that the current look.
      We are going to my nephews 18th tonight, i will have a few brews there, mind you, i dont need many!
      I hope you all have a wonderful gamble free weekend,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21934
      p
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn
      Just wanted to say thank you for your replies.  I know you are on some times in the day so i look out for you.  Had a shocker of a day yesterday but its all good.  Thank you anyway, chat soon  oh and congratulations on your 71st day you are an inspiration.  You have so many posts i am yet to read them all.
      P

    • #21935
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Congrats on your 71 days!  I just saw something on the news about Australia.  Can’t remember if the story was about a water creature that they couldn’t identify or if the Australia story was the one about people honking their car horns and interferring with frogs fertility.  Anyway, when I hear something on the news from a country where a GT friend is from I think of them.  So, you were on my mind today.
       

    • #21936
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Firstly Sherry, thanks for your post, i wouldnt be surprised if we were interfering with the fertility of frogs, sometimes we are very hard up for news and you wouldnt believe the things they put on there.  Personally, i havent heard that one!
      Anyway, on to my weekend…i have had my mother in law down for the weekend. She came Friday and is leaving our abode tomorrow.  Firstly can i say that i do love her, BUT….she is exhausting.   Because the whole world revolves around her when she is here i spend my time running around after her, buying her beer (she pays of course), i just have to drive to the bottle shop, just general running around for her and after her.  I have barely seen Damian, because he has been in the shed with her the whole weekend and yes, i could go and sit in there with them but i cant cope with her talking to him like he’s 5 (‘ my little boo boo baby!!!’)
      She drives him crazy, she never, and i mean NEVER stops talking, about anything at all.  We decided that tonight we were going to watch the movie ‘Wolverine" and for you ladies out there it is definitely worth a look, Hugh Jackman, no shirt, muscles bulging….sigh!!! Anyway, back to the topic…..so im trying to watch while she is going on and on about these amazing pots and pans she has at home, by the way, she bought us one, and i made white sauce in it tonight for our roast lamb dinner.  I went to scrape the leftover sauce in the bin with a spoon and she screams ‘aaaahhh, dont use a spoon, you’ll scratch it’, to which i replied, ‘i am almost 40 years old and i think i can clean a damn pot without scratching it and if you dont like the way i do it then take it home with you!!!)
      Yes, somewhat harsh, but i have been on the edge for 3 days and had had enough.  So she thought that was a great joke and laughed.  Anyway, im trying to watch Hugh in all his glory and shes yap yap yapping.  About pots. 
      I am sure you have all got it by now…IM OVER IT!!!!!
      So in closing, my weekend was pretty crappy, im tired, im edgy, i havent spent any time with Dames.  We did go to the party last night….dont ask. I had 3 drinks and was in bed at 8.30, what a rager i am!!!
      I hope you had a better weekend than me, personally, im glad its over and i think i need a weekend from my weekend.  She will be back in 5 weeks for the wedding….God, help me!!!!
      On a positive, i didnt gamble and if anyone was going to drive me to it it would be her!!!!!
      Have a great day everyone, sorry bout the rant (im not really) bye for now, Kathryn xx Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21937
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,  Yea, I can hear you now with your mother-in-law.  I was chuckling a little myself because I am sure my daughter would say the same thing to me.  Gosh, you couldn’t even see that hunky guy speak with mother-in-law in background.  Well, you handled it well and thank God you can be yourself with her and say what’s on your mind.  Also, my granddaughter is always hearing advise from me she doesn’t want to hear, like don’t straighten your hair so much, you’ll burn it, or keep your skin clean so the pimples won’t come.  It’s all out of love, of course, but sometimes it drives them crazy.  Generation Gap, I guess. 
      Better weekends are ahead Kathryn.  The important thing is you are staying away from gambling.  What an acheivement for you to be away for that long. Good for you!!
      Thanks for your comments on my thread.  It’s good to be encouraged and you did just that and do with everyone you come in contact with.  Take care and keep up the good work.   Danielle
       

    • #21938
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Kathryn, you must be a wonderful daughter in law if you can snap at your mother-in-law and she thinks you’re joking.  That’s a gift to say what you feel and not offend anyone!  Wish I had that gift.

    • #21939
      thebfunk
      Partecipante

      I feel your pain with the mother in law. My girlfriends mom spent a week with us recently. A WEEK! Thank goodness thats over. If that wont lead you to gamble nothing will.

    • #21940
      thebfunk
      Partecipante

      I feel your pain with the mother in law. My girlfriends mom spent a week with us recently. A WEEK! Thank goodness thats over. If that wont lead you to gamble nothing will.

    • #21941
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Sorry, before i go to work i just have to say……WOOHOO!!!!! The mother in law has gone to stay with her other son for 2 nights.  You wouldnt think she has 5 children, she always has to stay with us.  Rang Dames and he said WOOHOO!!! All is well in the world.
      Bye All, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21942
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn,
      Just wanted to show my face on your page and add my support.
      You’ve been a great help to me and I want to thanks to you again.
      And keep up the great work with your fight!!
      All the best,
      S.

    • #21943
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Well you survived a weekend with your mother in law.  You will survive the results.  All is well in Kathryns life.  Praise God.  Have a good restful week, and rewatch that movie. lol……….NancyLife isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

    • #21944
      p
      Partecipante

      Hey Kathryn
      Just saying hi and thanks for all your support you have been really helpful to me with your posts.  I really laughed my head off when i read that you were in bed by 8 30pm what a rager!  It reminds me of me.  All the best to you, your posts are so funny sometimes. 
      P

    • #21945
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Fester and Sashas swabs have arrived at the lab.  The tests will be completed on the 31st. I dont know if we will know then or the next day.  Im getting back on the rollercoaster folks, i hope you are prepared to come with me on the ride. I need you all now more than ever.
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21946
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hi K,
      I love rollercosters so yeh, Ill come along, so long as you bring the sick bags! you have the most amazing support on this site KAthryn, I know this won’t be easy for you, regardless of the outcome, stay strong and remain positive, your family needs YOU. I know this will be hard to deal with but remain in the right mind set, you are a wonderful person with fantastic qualities. ohhhhh and that song from the last ever Sopranos is on the radio in the background, happy thoughts, loved loved loved that show, recommend Sopranos to anyone, Tony, what a guy! (man love)
      take care Geek, chat soon…
      AlPlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21947
      paul315
      Partecipante

      Good morning Kathryn.
      Just want to say thanks for your post about your everyday life. Your openness, and that of the others whose threads you follow and that follow your thread, is a big help.  In my pledge in "The Daily Pledge" I refer to such personal postings.  I posted my thoughts there as a release for me but am repeating it here to you to encourage you to keep up your Life Journal, both as a help to you and for help to me and others.
      May God bless and keep you.
      ———————————————- My Daily Pledge Post ————————————————————
      I will not gamble today.
      I went to my GA meeting last night and came away with a renewed incite into the help they give and the help I receive from this site.  I sit there and listen to, and read from many of the post here, about personal problems that seam to have nothing or little to do with gambling and wondered what the purpose was of spilling out this information.  It is now obvious, either these outside problems sent us to gambling to escape or out compulsive gambling was the cause of the problems.  We need to continue to address each of our everyday actions and feelings and discuss our weaknesses and concerns so that we can more truthfully see and deal with our gambling dilemma.
      So not only will I not gamble today, I will also not suppress any feeling that may send me into a state of wanting to use gambling as a release.Larry, aka Paul315"Day Two is Still a Day Away" – No matter how long in the program, I realize that without help and strength I might have to, but hopefully not, begin a new Day Two from time to time.

    • #21948
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Al, Vera and Paul, thanks for your posts.  I just wanted to brag really….i was playing the Wii with Harry and you can do this training session that tells you your fitness age.  I did mine and it said 29!!!! Woohoo. While all the woohooing was going on Harry was saying ‘mum, i won, i got 48’.  God bless him.
      Have a great day everyone, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21949
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      — 26/08/2009 3:15:03 AM: post edited by runninggirl.

    • #21950
      thebfunk
      Partecipante

      My fingers are crossed. I hope nexttime i read your post i will see good news.. You deserve a break. If it doesnt fall in your direction, stay strong. Everyday you dont gamble you are proving to yourself how strong you are. IM sure you know from gambling that the only thing we can do when things dont go our way is take it one day at a time. I hope it doesnt come to that. Good luck.

    • #21951
      velvet
      Moderatore

       
      Hiya Kathryn
      I wouldn’t miss this roller coaster ride with you and Meglee provided she has cleaned her mascara up, Aljohn and the elephant (hope the sick bags are big enough).   I have a mental picture of loads of members on the roller coaster chucking elephants out all over the place. I am sure they will all bounce and be OK but they do not belong in our homes.
      I wonder if in a tribe of elephants when things feel awkard in the clearing they imagine a human being!!!!!!
      Just a thought
      Loads of Love
      V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
       

    • #21952
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hello my lovely aussie friend
      Well, I’m always first in line for a roller coaster ride, so count me in too. (yes, I will elbow Velvet out of the way to get to the front of the queue LOL).
      Actually I think the rollercoaster analogy is very fitting for your situation. you see, the thing is with a rollercoaster, once its started, you cant jump off! You can cling on for dear life and be terrified the whole way, but that wont change the ride… its gonna happen anyway!
      Or you can just throw your arms in the air, and just GO WITH IT! Yes, i think thats called "letting GO!". Easier said than done I know, but for whatever reason Kathryn, the universe has decided to give you this opportunity, this enormous challenge, of letting go!
      We are all on this rollercoaster ride with ya babe! Al’s gonna have a big job hanging on to his cowboy hat, the sick bags AND managing the blessed elephant… someone will have to tell Velvet (gently) that her zimmerframe wont FIT in the rollercoaster… and someone else will have to give Vera a nudge to wake her up from nightshift again! As for me, I have a new waterproof mascara that can handle tears of any description!!!!
      I love that you are talking about dealing with your feelings, and facing them head on! And that you are so fiercely determined that you will not let this send you backwards. Look at how much you have faced already. You are not going to turn into a raving lunatic. Far from it.
      I do hope you and dames can find a way to share your feelings and talk openly about how its affecting you both, BEFORE you get the results. This is a great opportunity for the two of you to strengthen the bond and the openness that you have both been building on eh. So go and sit that man of yours down, tell him that you love him, but theres a big bloody elephant that needs sorting out, and you need his help to ask it to leave!
      Thanks for your post, and for keeping me updated. Rest assured though I am checking in here regularly to see how your doing! Awesome score on the wii by the way!! Ya might need to give wee harry some extra weetbix for breakfast though, if he’s scoring a 48!!? LOL!
      Much love and light to you
      Meg xxx"We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #21953
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Velvet and Meg,
      You funny funny funny girls…what a hoot…i laughed so hard i cried.  Dames and i did have a chat tonight while i was at work, i called him on my tea break and we are going to come up with a plan on what we are going to do whatever happens.  At least that way we know where we are headed, and being a need to know person, i like to be organised!!!!
      I feel better knowing he is ready to talk, i need to get it straight in my head so i dont go crazy. Fester messaged him tonight, wanting to know whats going on, mind you she didnt send her swabs until almost 2 weeks ago.  I still cant stand that woman, the thought of her makes me cringe. 
      Anyway, all is ok with me tonight, im feeling calmer and the laugh i had was just the medicine i needed. Thanks girls!!
      Have a great day all, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21954
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I need some advice, my head is going round and round and i need help to straighten it out. 
      Ive been thinking about what is going to happen when the results come back.  Ive got some what ifs going on and im not sure how to handle this one.  Ok, what if…the results come back positive, we organise a meeting with Sasha and Fester wants to be there.  Does she have the right? I want to tell her to F off personally, but i know we have to handle things a bit delicately.  I dont think she has any right at all to be there, i dont want her there because i think ill punch her ugly fester face in.  I do not, under any circumstances want her to have ANYGHING to do with my children. Now, Damian doesnt want her to have anything to do with her either, it will just be between Damian and Sasha and no one else. He will call her or vice versa. 
      Am i being unreasonable? I dont see how she needs to be involved.  This may not even happen, but some advice on how to handle it if it does would be very helpful.
      Thanks, have a great day, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21955
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hi K,
      this is a topic outside my comfort zone but ill have a ‘stab’ at it anyhow!
      YOU are perfectly within your right to feel the way you are feeling, how dare this woman (tramp) walk into your lives after 15 years and think that she and her daughter can start to love happy families… Saying that I know its not the daughters fault, she is merely seeking to meet her dad, if your hubby is the father, well, its another chapter in your life that I am sure you and your family can cope with. I know you don’t want an extra family member and especially some other munter sticking her nose into your family, my blood is boiling at the thought, i’d be a bit like you, i’d like to smash her face in! please don’t do that though, you are better than that…
      Anyhow, that is my useless and pointless message of support.
      Keep strong K, I know it must be eating you up but we are all here for and with you 🙂
      AlPlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21956
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hello Kathryn,  I know you want some answers and some preparation for what you are about to face.  I see it as not really knowing what will happen, how hubby is going to react, what your children will want from all this.  We can’t really control what they will think and what they will do with this information.  I do think though that this "bitch" should not be involved at all with your family and your husband. I am sure you husband does not want anything to do with her either. The child, however, could be a part of your life and your family, depending up how your husband feels and what he wants for this child.  Do you know what he wants, should this child really be his?  Have the two of you made any plans on what you are going to do, if this child is his?  Kathryn, don’t let this destroy the marriage you built up over the years.  The incident happened when you were broken up so it’s not like he cheated on you and also, he knew nothing about this child until recently.  
      Just my opinion but I would talk with hubby and work it out somehow with him first.  Things have a way of working out so don’t stress so much right now. Wait and see what the results are and then take some action then.  Good luck and I wish you well.   Danielle

    • #21957
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well im not going there today, im sure you are all sick of hearing about it.
      Im working all weekend so i just wanted to pop a post in and say i hope you all have a lovely weekend.
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21958
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      I know you said you ‘are not going there today" but I haven’t had a chance to post for awhile.  I think Fester should be cut out of the picture.  Sasha should text your husband not Fester. Sasha is old enough to visit your family alone.    …of course, that is assuming the DNA matches.  Fester should not be involved in any way. It would be different if Sasha was younger but she is old enough that she doesn’t need her mother beside her all the time.  My first husband had been married and he had a son.  Everytime we picked him up his ex-wife would have to come out and talk. She called the house whenever my step son was there.  He decided to live with us his last few years of High School. I felt like she was always trying to interfer in our family life but didn’t want to cause any waves so I tolerated it. After I filed for divorce, she thought she had a chance with my ex-husband (her ex-husband too), so I guess she always had alterior motives besides the interest of her son…but even being single, the ex tried to stay as far away from her as possible.  If Fester tries to be connected to your husband or your family, your husband needs to set the boundaries.  The attention should be on your family and Sasha and none on Fester. That’s my 2cents.

    • #21959
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hi Chook
      Just wondering how your weekend of work is going? And how your nerves are holding out.
      It doesn’t matter what it is, when we have to sit around waiting for something that we know may/will have a huge impact on our lives… the waiting is the worst part!!!!!
      At least the waiting will be over soon. Just trust in yourself kathryn. No matter what the outcome you are made of strong stuff! Whatever you are meant to deal with… you will be able to deal with!
      My profile signature on here used to be "the will of God will never take you, where the grace of God will not protect you". (I’m not a religious person, but i am spiritual and you can call it God, or the universe, or your higher power…. whatever). I do believe we are all equipped with the necessary life-tools to handle what is thrown at us, but sometimes we just forget to believe enough in ourselves.
      Look how far you have come! Go back and read some of the wise, insightful posts you have written to others on here! You have EVERYTHING you need to deal with WHATEVER life throws at you. Without gambling because of it!
      I hope the sun is shining on you tomorrow babe (the sun almost ALWAYS shines in australia doesnt it!!!?? LOL. That’s why I’m coming over….. 9 sleeps and counting!!!!).
      Just know that there will be so many of us thinking of you, and your journey, as we go about our day on Monday!
      Much love and light to you my friend
      meg xxxx
       "We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #21960
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Kathryn…good morning!  Just catching up on your thread and note that there has been no resolution to the saga yet.  I can’t imagine how you are holding up under this pressure.  If you are able to remain gamble-free through this, there isn’t anything you can’t handle.  I won’t offer an opinion, just my warm thoughts and a cross-universe hug!
      Hey, I love rollercoasters too!  I want to climb on with all of you.  Like Meg says, I’ll throw my arms up in the air and just go with the ride.  Oh, once I talked my ex-husband into going on one (he hates rides), and the little car chugged to the top of the first hill…..and stopped.  We were stuck there for five minutes.  At which point it was a good thing it started going again, because one of us was going over the side if it didn’t.  He kept saying "are you happy now?  are you?" and I kept saying shut up.  I love rollercoasters, but I hate heights. 
      Stay strong my girl.  Life will bring what it brings.  Just throw your arms up and embrace the ride!

    • #21961
      velvet
      Moderatore

       
      Hi Dear Kathryn
      I have been thinking long and hard about you and your questions.
      I cannot imagine Fester’s thinking and agree completely with everybody else that she should have no input in what is going on. She is out of the picture, dead in the water. Same goes for Mr Fester – what he is thinking can only be surmised!!!! They should have nothing to do with your family, you are not being unreasonable. 
      I have tried to think what I would do and feel if I were in your shoes.   I do think that if we can hold our heads up high when we are faced with a dreadful situation it is easier to live with afterward. It is good to look back on our behaviour with pride.   Come on here and scream but keep your head up when it matters. xx
      I have tried to think what I would feel if I was Sasha and in many ways that was easier. I think I would be terrified. 
      I do believe that when we believe someone is more scared than we are it helps.  
      You will be in my thoughts all day tomorrow. You have been in my thoughts for many days already.
      Go for it. You are a great girl. I’ve got my arms up ready to embrace the ride with you if you will allow me. Don’t be afraid. You can do this.  
      Loads and loads of love
      V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
       
       
       

    • #21962
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn,
      Still got everything crossed for you on the outcome tomorrow (or is that today for your time?).
      All my best as always,
      S.

    • #21963
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  Thanks for your post on my thread … it’s always so lovely to hear from you.  After you mentioned decadent ice-cream, I went out for some delicious softserve icecream at our local Dairy Queen.
      Hope work went well for you … sometimes, it’s the best thing when we’re anxious about things.  I have my fingers crossed for you here in Toronto … hoping for the very best outcome.  I, too, have been trying to put myself in your shoes, and it’s hard to even imagine how difficult it must be for you.  I think I would probably be an insecure wreck though.  For what it’s worth, I think that at 16, Sasha is perfectly capable of contacting your husband herself and the Fester creature should keep out of things at this point.  I can understand why she would have made the first contact, but everything after that should be between Sasha and Damien (if indeed he is the father).  No matter the outcome, I’m sure you’ll feel some relief that the waiting is over.
      On this end, I have not gambled.  Had a bit of a trying weekend trying to figure out finances.  Still not out of the woods, but perhaps it’s time for me to stop playing stay-at-home-mommy and get my ample butt back to work.  That will be my focus this week (I know, I know, I’ve said that before, lol.  But kids will be returning to school on September 8, so I’ll have absolutely no excuses after that.  Besides, I like money, especially the "new frugal me" … the thought of doubling or tripling debt repayments thrills me!!)
      Sending supportive hugs and very best wishes down south.
      RG
       This moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #21964
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      No news yet, looks like we wont know now until tomorrow…this is excruciating!

    • #21965
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hi Chook
      Ah, i wish there was a community group chat on tonight, so i could at least talk dongle’s with you to take your mind off things… anything to make you laugh!
      It moments in life like this one, that you just have to ‘ride it out’. y’know….. hands in the air!!?? cant change the outcome etc etc.
      I’m kind ‘riding it out’ myself tonight – having just left a conversation/meeting with my ex, that; once it is documented with the lawyers; will spell the end of my marriage. ugh. i feel sick. Discussing finanaces and possessions was easy compared to the trading that went on over who gets how many hours with kids on xmas day, how we manage my sons 7th birthday in a few weeks, and the fact i have just been UN-invited to a fathers day dinner next sunday!
      Hands in the air babe! What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger!!!? (by god, we’ll be the strongest chicks in the Antipodes! AND we have added ‘dongle’ to our vocabulary!! We have SO much going for us LOL LOL LOL)
      Hang in there babe. you’re doing GREAT!!!
      Much much love, light AND strength to you!
      Meg xxx"We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #21966
      velvet
      Moderatore

      With you in thought
      Velvet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • #21967
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well i spent the whole day yesterday moping around, waiting…..with no result.  I have woken up this morning and decided i am going to take Megs advice.  Im putting my hands in the air, letting go and just going with the flow.  God only knows when the results will be there, Fester is pestering Damian about the results, bloody cheeky considering she didnt tell him for 15 years!!!
      I was so tired last night, exhausted from the anticipation of what? Nothing.  We will know when we know, hopefully it will be soon, if i could choose it would be this week as i have my 4 day weekend and if i want to cry i can without worrying about going to work. I am on my 81st day gamble free, i thought about gambling a lot yesterday, but im not letting this situation send me backwards.
      Have a great day all, i will certainly be trying to keep busy, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21968
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hello my friend
      Keep on keeping busy! Add some loud and triumphant music to your day like "i am woman hear me roar" LOL, or that cool blackeyed peas song thats out at the mo. (cant remember the name right now…) I love that one its SO upbeat!
      Totally agree Fester has a nerve chasing Dames for results (after 15 years of withholding), and anyway she should get results from the lab same as you guys i would assume! Anyway, dont dwell on fester. Waste of energy you could be putting in elsewhere!
      81 days!!!!? Awesome! You wont let this put you back.
      You are so right, you will know when you know… so go and enjoy your day!
      Much love and light (hands in the air with ya!)
      meg xxxx"We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #21969
      thebfunk
      Partecipante

      My fingers are still crossed for you

    • #21970
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Great going, Kathryn … 81 days is amazing.  I’m crossing my fingers for the very best outcome for you.
      All the best.
      RGThis moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #21971
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well the results are in……
      DAMIAN IS NOT THE FATHER !!!!!!!Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21972
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG i AM SOOOOOOOOOO pleased for you and your family KAthryn, I am sure you are all over the moon, seems my weeeeee prayers were answered!!!!!!!!!!!!
      I am sitting at my computer screeen with the biggest smile on my face!!!!!!!!!
      Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
      Well done you for sticking at it, it could have been soooo easy to excape and to gamble, you didn’t so I am soooo proud of you KKKK
      AlPlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21973
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      YipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeePlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21974
      female g
      Partecipante

      I’VE GOT A FELLING BY THE BLACK EYED PEAS THAT TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A GOOD GOOD NIGHT  YES A GREAT SONG TO LIVE BY AS WELL EVERY NIGHT AWAY FROM GAMBLING IS A GOOD GOOD NIGHT!!!!!

    • #21975
      meglee
      Partecipante

      LOL! Looks like Al just said it all! (watch out cowboy – i think ya hat just blew off! haha)
      Yes "tonight IS a good good night" Kathryn. You just faced a huge enormous test, drawn out over all these weeks, and you Passed! You didn’t gamble!!!
      Fester will no longer be an issue. Guess she has some explaining to do to poor sasha… but it aint your problem anymore!!!
      I think we’re all smiling for ya out here in cyber space! have a great nite chook.
      love and light
      meg xxx"We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #21976
      sury
      Partecipante

      WOW…FINALLY…GOOD BYE FESTER….! YOU SHOULD CELEBRATE ….! WITH NO GAMBLING OF COURSE. TIME FOR A NEW CHAPTER KAT!!!! TAKE CARE….!

    • #21977
      velvet
      Moderatore

       
      Hiya Kathryn
      Thank goodness for that. I woke this morning to a giant bang and all across my bedroom window was grey stuff – I thought the world had come to an end.
      I am sooooooooooooooooo relieved to read your fantastic post and know that what I heard was just the elephant exploding.
      I don’t even mind cleaning it off the windows it is such happy day because the night of the Fester has gone and the sun is shining.
      I must secretly admit I am relieved not to be going on the roller coaster with Al throwing up and Meg’s flailing arms smacking me across the face but I suspect you are still on a bit of a ride. Allow yourself to slow down gently – you must have been wound up like a coiled spring for quite a long time. Please look after yourself as you un-ping.
      As Always with loads of love
      V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
       

    • #21978
      howanan
      Partecipante

      I’m glad for you and your family Kathryn.  Now that book can be closed and your life goes on.  I do feel sorry for Sasha.  I do hope she finds her real father if that is what SHE wants to do and not Fester.  Your strength got you through this.  Great job….. NancyLife isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

    • #21979
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Whew!  You can climb off the rollercoaster now.  I too feel sorry for the girl, but can’t imagine why her mother put everyone through this if she didn’t know for sure.  I hope you and Dames get to have a good talk now, I’m sure his emotions are running everywhere.  And through it all…little Kat didn’t gamble!  You are fabulous girl.  Once your breathing returns to a regular schedule (lol) then I’m sure you’ll get on the with the business of living a gamble-free life.  Way more fun "out here" than in the casino. 

    • #21980
      danielle
      Partecipante

      So happy for you Kathryn and your family.   Now things can return to normal.  To think you didn’tgamble through all that worry.  Good for you. Take care and breath easy now.  Danielle

    • #21981
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Good Morning Everyone,
      Now im proboably going to sound like an Oscar winner but….first id like to thank God (only joking) I just wanted to say thank you all soooooo much for your support throughout all this, I have such good friends here and you all helped me get through this hard time. 
      Fester rang Damian last night (I was at work) and was extremely upset, saying that the test was wrong.  She said ‘I know that you are her father’,  and you know it too!!!! Dames said the DNA doesnt lie and offered to do another test.  Fester said that Sasha didnt want to, that Sasha had said we could all go and get F’d.  I can only imagine what that woman is saying to her daughter.  I know she wants to believe it but the results are the results. So she did the next best thing, which was to put doubt in Damians mind that maybe the test was dodgy and it was wrong!  He was very angry when i got home.  I kept saying to him that the lab (its called genetrack) was not dodgy, i had done my research before ordering the test, blah blah blah.
      So our wonderful happy night turned to crap basically.  I was floating when i got home, and there was a lot more room in the lounge now that the elephant had left the building! I got up early this morning, i wanted to see Damian before he went to work.  He said he had thought about it and wasnt going to let her put a guilt trip on him.  I told him that she was grasping at straws, as if she was going to tell Sasha that she had slept around, so im guessing that she will tell Sasha her whole life that Damian is her father.  At least then she wont look like the ***** she is.  And she is not going to want another test either because she knows that the test is right.
      I sent her a copy yesterday, she will get it today.  I also messaged her last night with the number of the company and suggested she call it if she had concerns about their credibility.  She messaged back saying thanks, but they are not going to pursue it as ‘Sasha’ doesnt want to. Anyway, its not our problem anymore, although if she comes back and wants another test we will be there (but im not paying for that one)
      I am hoping that we never hear from them again, that it is now well and truly behind us and we can move on with our life. 
      Thanks again everyone, i cant quite believe i didnt gamble through all this, good lord i wanted to. But if i can go through something like this and not gamble, i can conquer anything!
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21982
      thebfunk
      Partecipante

      Im really happy everything worked out for you. You made it through a very trying time and didnt break and gamble. Good for you. Keep pushin.

    • #21983
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Oh Kathryn,
      You’ve made my day with your news!
      And you both stood strong and didn’t gamble throughout this horrendous, excruciating stress – awesome.
      It’s so great to see that good things do sometimes happen to lovely people. 
      You deserve this news: you give so much to people on here, I know your news has given us all a boost.
      All my best as always,
      S.
      PS. No, hold that…you’ve made my week!!!
       

    • #21984
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  What incredible news!!  This is exactly the outcome I was hoping for you.  I must say, you have shown incredible strength of character through this.  You have shown determination to keep your family intact and unbelievable discipline by sticking to your goal of not gambling.  A lesser person would have cracked and gambled …wow, you amaze me!
      Thank you for your post on my thread.  Yes, it may very well be time for a trade-up, lol!!  Although, I’ve already traded up once, and unless I want to follow in Liz Taylor’s footsteps, I’d better work at this one. 
      Our kids start school in September, and essentially have two terms …. September-December, and January to June.  So they’re off from mid-June to the beginning of September … a very long time, and needless to say, they LOVE it!!  You’re right, it is planned around the summer.  It goes way back in history when kids were needed in the fields in the summer and for the harvest in the early fall.  Winter and spring were convenient times for school … and so it remains.
      Since this is the last week of their vacation, I’m having their cousins over for the day on Wednesday, and their school friends over for the day on Thursday.  Two whole days of romping, screaming, laughing, HUNGRY, crazy boys aged 10-12.  I can hardly wait . Friday, I have to drive many miles to pick up their school uniforms (God knows why their school chose this particular supplier) and Saturday, it’s shopping for supplies with all the other crazed, disorganized parents and disgruntled kids.  Heavens, that reminds me, I have to shop for school shoes too!!!!
      End of day 36 and no urges to gamble.  I was driving my oldest to the bookstore this evening and had to take the same highway exit that I would normally use to go to the casino.  I didn’t even think about it when I was driving by … now that’s progress for me. 
      You must be into your 83rd day already … only 17 ODAAT"s to go to the magic 100. Way to go, girl, I am SO proud of you.
      All the best.
      RG
       This moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #21985
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Wonderful news Kathryn!  Isn’t it odd what a difference one word or phrase can make?  Your family is built on a strong foundation that even Fester couldn’t crumble.  I’m so happy for you!

    • #21986
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well today is a new day.  Dames and i had a chat this morning and we have let it go.  As he said, we were so ready for the results to say that Sasha was his, that the shock of her not being his was enormous.  We really did take Fester (that is the last time i will say her name) at her word. I have to wonder if she wasnt expecting us to do the DNA test.  Also, we have to wonder if he ever slept with her at all, i am doubtful.  He told me that he remembered getting up in the morning and only having to put on his shoes, he was fully dressed.  Anyway, unless we hear anything else from them, the topic is now CLOSED!!!!
      So today, i am going shopping with Brea.  As its fathers Day on Sunday (is it the same everywhere else?) we are going shopping for Dames. Brea bought him a crucafix to wear around his neck and the chain is broken so we will either buy him  a new chain for that or i was thinking of a watch. 
      I have my Amazing Race night with Jode tonight.  She is in her new house, its beautiful and yesterday she was having the cupboards and shelves fitted out in her walk in pantry.  She rang me at 7am.  They had arrived early so her and the kids came over for breaky.  It was lovely.  She has also found out that one of her foster children is going to permanent care, which means he will never go back to the mother.  Now THAT is amazing news for her. She is a born mother that one!!!
      Yesterday, in my Oscar speech, i left out one important person (dont they always?) I want to say a big thank you to Harry, who stopped me from going insane, for keeping me level headed and rational (well most of the time) and who listened to me going on for hours at a time.  H, the crystal ball is now in a million pieces, thank you so much for putting up with a ranting, raving luntic woman and always finding something positive to say. You have the patience of a saint!!!
      I hope you all have a wonderful, gamble free day.  Im feeling a lot lighter today, the weight is slowly lifting and i am starting to unwind.  Time to start living again, taking it one day at a time.
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21987
      sury
      Partecipante

      oh yes..fathers Day..sunday..my two kids have been busy making special cards for their dad. No present .. dad is still away. We’ll give him a call on the day…not asking for money..of course. Good on you Kat!!!..we all have problems and dramas in our lives..and you are not gambling which makes it easier to face them.

    • #21988
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  I am so happy to read the relief and happiness in your post. Sounds like you have realigned and are determined to move on with your life. Good for you ! 
      Re: Father’s Day … we celebrate Father’s Day in mid-June in North America (honestly thought it was the same around the world!)  But then, I should know better … Thanksgiving in Canada is in early October, and just a few miles to the south, in the U.S., it is in November. 
      On this side, we have had lovely sunshiny days for the past week, so I’ve indulged the boys and taken them to the beach on most days.  This is the last week of their vacation, after all.  Will do again today.  We’ve truly had a crappy summer of rain and unsettled weather (including tornadoes, for the first time … NOT fun!!).  Next week, it’s back to reality for all of us.  That will mean full-on marketing for my business and maybe even seeking a full-time job as an alternative.  I’ve been and independent consultant for the past 13 years, so that will be a tough adjustment, if I go the full-time route.
      Anyway, I’m yabbering on as usual. 
      Talk soon.  Keep strong.
      RGThis moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #21989
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  I had to laugh at your description of me !!! Isn’t it funny how we picture each other.  I live in Canada, close to Toronto.  I live in the suburbs, so no huge expanse of land (I wish), but we live close enough to farmland.  I had visions of Caroline Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie in your description. Not quite the calm, serene Mom either, I’m afraid  … bit of a fireball at times. You got the wild boys part, right on though … in a positive way.  My husband is quite strict on the amount of time they spend on video games and tv, so they’re very active.  Running around, making up games, exploring … and when friends come over — WATCH OUT!!  We’ve never been fussy about "things", so kids pretty much have free rein.  My room is really the only room off limits. 
      Anyway, thanks for a chuckle on a rather mundane Friday afternoon.  Yes, school is now only four days away.  Poor boys are NOT impressed.  My kids attend a private school that offers warm lunches, but my boys prefer me to put in their lunches.  It IS a pain trying to keep things interesting. Once a week, they`re allowed to leave school premises and visit a nearby restaurant for lunch.  It`s very tightly monitored, and they travel in groups of six … no lonely wanderers allowed.  I like this because they learn to handle themselves in restaurants, manage money etc.  The restaurant manager monitors them closely and even a toe out of line is reported to the principal.  I`ve never seen a school with such discipline.
      This is going to be a very busy school year for me, especially with my eldest.  It`s the last two years before high school, so I want to ensure he is solidly prepared.  So, I will be working closely with the teachers.  That`s going to be a handful when my business ramps out again.  Gambling kept me away from much of the academic plans I have for my kids.  And it wasted too much money that should have gone to extra-curricular activities and tutoring to put them ahead of the game.
      Oh well, no use crying over spilt milk.  I have to move onward and upward. 
      I still can`t get over how far you`ve come.  You`re inching ever nearer to that 100 day milestone (almost one third of a year).  It really does get slightly easier as time moves on, doesn`t it?  I think you should start planning a major celebration for you 100th day.  You deserve it for how incredibly well you’ve stuck to this program.
      Enjoy the weekend with your family.  You must be getting close to spring, and I’m sure you’re looking forward to it.  Are you close to the beach?   I envy anyone who lives near the ocean.
      This is a long weekend for us and I have MUCH to do.  Hubby has just taken boys for haircuts, I have to pick up uniforms and school supplies and then figure out something special to end the holidays.
      Heavens … I did it again … yammer, yammer, yammer!!
      Talk soon.
      RG
       This moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #21990
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hello my friend
      Lovely to chat again last night!
      I too, am excited about your 100 day mark that is looming… I SO know you will make it!!!
      As you know, I have had an up-and-down week (just posted a rant about on my thread so wont re-hash it on yours). Its now saturday night and i’m sitting here on my own after putting kids to bed (as usual). I have just been outside to gaze at the sky…. we have the most glorious full moon tonight! I sat and stared and stared. Then i started getting all metaphorical, so i thought i’d share it with you (in the desperate hope that SOMEONE else will GET IT – and i’m not just going off ‘my trolley’!! haha)
      The things i love the most about a full moon are…. firstly, it lights everything up! you cannot hide! there is no ‘cover of darkness’ that night usually provides! Secondly, it is a full circle!  beginning and end. complete! Thirdly, the longer you stare at it….. the more it starts to look like the ‘light at the end of a dark tunnel’!!!
      It made me think alot about my journey, and all the different (but same) journeys we share on this site.
      Then it led me to think of our roller-coaster analogy (y’know zimmerframes, pink elephants, cowboys, ‘arms in the air’ etc) and it made me laugh!
      So, after going going outside to look at the moon, feeling sad and melancholy…. i have come back in smiling and laughing! And, among others, I was thinking of you my friend! so, thank you!
      I hope your world is well tonight!
      Much love and light
      meg xxxx"We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #21991
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well, i have my dress for the wedding! Im soooo pleased, for all the ladies, its black and white and long to the floor, flowing and gorgeous.  I have booked my hair to be done on the day and will have it up, with a white liily in it i think.  Jode is paying for my makeup to be done(its my birthday coming up) so i will be looking mighty fine i think!!!!! I havent had my make up done since i got married, 17 years ago so im looking forward to that.
      As for the home front, i have been feeling a little wierd about the whole thing (you know), I feel like Dames has pulled away a little bit, but a wise man told me that men tend to deal with their feelings on the inside.  Or it could just be me reading too much into things, who knows.
      Im having a very quiet weekend, tomorrow is Fathers day so we will be doing the rounds of the papas.  Im cooking a roast lamb for tea for the father of honour and generally getting ready for the week ahead.  I have been very lazy on the homefront since the whole sa****ate, so im going to do some baking (from a box!)
      My mother is the master baker, unfortunately i never got her culinary skills.  But no one complains when the chocolate cake is dished out! Last night i had my first gambling related dream since i have stopped.  I can only remember parts of it but i know i was in Ireland, and i got thrown out of a venue.  I woke up in a hot sweat, i was going to get up and write it down but it was too cold! I think i may leave a pen and paper next to the bed.  I havent had a dream that ive remembered for i dont know how long, but it was very strange.
      Anyway, i hope you all have a wonderful, gamble free weekend, and for all the fathers in Australia, Happy Fathers Day!
      Take care all, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21992
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Gee Katheryn you have come so far from your first post.  You should be so proud of yourself.  Sounds like you have a busy weekend planned.  You are having Fathers Day and we are having Labor Day.  Our Fathers Day is in June and Mothers Day is in May.  Hae a great day with your family………..NancyLife isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass … it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

    • #21993
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hey Ms. K:  Your totally crack me up with your wild imagination.  Huck Finn?  Pocohontas??? LOL!!  I live in a city of 93,000 people, just bordering Toronto, which is like Sydney.  We are very far from an ocean, but a 10 minute drive to Lake Ontario, which is as large as an ocean.  Hard to imagine a lake being that big, but it really is enormous.  On some days the waves are as high as any ocean.  My boys LOVE it!!
      Your town sounds absolutely divine. I’m imagining a resort town, where everyone knows each other and everyone is friendly and welcoming.  My mind goes to 1950s beach blanket movies … not that I was even close to being born then, of course (lol).  It must be incredibly beautiful on your beaches with a view of Sydney across the bay, especially at night.  Do you take your kids down for midnight swims or evening barbeques on the beach??? I’m so very jealous.
      It’s so weird to think that when I’m writing to you at 1:00 p.m. on a Saturday afternoon, it’s already Sunday morning on your side.  Crazy, huh?  I’m just off to go and pick up uniforms I ordered last week and then perhaps a bit of shopping.  Leaving the boys to the hubby, he’ll take them to the lake with the dog.
      Yes, our boys do sound similar ages.  My eldest is 12 and is in middle school. Both my kids have been at school since age 3 though … Montessori has a different system and approach.  My baby is 11 … I can’t believe it … I get so depressed as I see them growing and eventually leaving me.  I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about.
      You do sound wonderful though, and like you’re quickly moving on from that last blip in your life.  Good for you, girl!!  You’re a real go-getter!!  Enjoy your Sunday, Happy Father’s Day to Damien.  When is Mother’s Day in Australia?  Is that different to our too?
      Stay strong (I know you will).
      All the best.
      RGThis moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #21994
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I am going to sound CRAZY.  Yes all is well in my life after the big drama.  But i have been quite cranky since it all ended.  I have been trying to work out why and i think i know what it is.
      As horrendous as the whole situation was, and you all know how hard it was for me to get a grip on it, i actually think that it was the closest thing i have had to a gambling ‘buzz’ for a long time. All the drama, tears, meltdowns were actually feeding my adrenalin, it was racing through my body every 10 minutes and now…
      I think i have a gambling hangover without gambling.
      Do you think thats possible? You know the feeling of walking into a venue to gamble, well i was getting that feeling every time i thought of what ‘may’ happen, it was a rush, an awful one but a rush just the same.
      Now its all over, and dont get me wrong, i am soooooo happy with the results, i feel really flat, tired, lethargic.  I dont quite know how to snap out of it.  My mind has gone from everything to nothing in one milisecond, the second i read the result.  Its the wierdest thing. 
      Anyway, any thoughts would be appreciated,
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #21995
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Hi K…first of all, I can imagine you will look very gorgeous in your wedding finery.  It’s fun being a girl sometimes, isn’t it?  After years of being a pretty plain jane in the way I dressed, I am starting to actually look at real outfits, putting things together, adding jewellry and scarves.  Kind of fun…I’ve even actually looked at shoes with heels and pointy toes! 
      Just wanted to comment on your thoughts about the drama, and how it resembled a gambling "buzz".  Think about gambling in terms of the chemical release that you get, and the adrenalin surge that occurs.  I think that is why we are compulsive, we keep looking for a greater and greater buzz.  When you do anything that creates a chemical rush (exercising, any kind of drama) you are indeed replicating the physiology, or brain chemistry, of gambling.  When there is no longer that surge, you actually miss it.  If you want to give it to your body in a healthy way, go for a brisk walk, or dance around your living room. 
      You also have to allow yourself some time to recover from the severe emotional trauma that occurred because of this incident.  Be kind to yourself Kathryn…you are a stand-up gal, you kept your family together through this difficult period, and you deserve time to rest. 

    • #21996
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      hi K,
      I am not sure, I know what you mean, but I cant figure how to put it into words?
      i will come back to you on that wan ma love, you have me behind the 8 ball!Players do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #21997
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  I think it’s quite natural for you to be feeling flat and tired. It’s that anti-climactic feeling after a major event.  Almost a letdown.  Sometimes our minds lead us to believe that life will be perfect if only we resolve this one problem.  When the problem is resolved and life goes back to normal … and isn’t "perfect" … we feel lost and sad.  I think you just have to go through this, it’s another stage in the process.  Soon, you will recover your chirpy self.  Just give yourself time.
      It must be early Monday where you are.  Are you working this week?  Try to factor in some fun time with your husband or your best friend.  You need something else to look forward to.
      Sending hugs and happy thoughts across the miles.
      RGThis moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #21998
      velvet
      Moderatore

       
      Hi Kathryn
      You don’t sound at all crazy to me. I know you pop over to F&F. Have you never read the posts that say – ‘My husband Fred Bloggs  is committing to a gamble-free life why do I feel weird and crying when I’ve waited for years for this moment’?
      Anything that affects our emotions deep down takes time to get that deep. I think that when the situation turns and impossible dreams become possible it must take time for the emotion to come out and so we feel weird and cry and other things that we don’t think we should do or feel.
      I think your description ‘gambling hangover’ is superb but I think this time it is an emotional hangover that you just need to take your time with. You were all geared up to believe the worst so that you could cope and then ‘POW’ the elephant blew up and left you reeling. Your mind felt like it was going from everything to nothing in one millisecond but your sub-conscious is taking a little longer to accept it is over. You will get there and this will become a distant memory just another little hiccough along life’s way.
      I have my glass ready for raising on the 11th which fortunately falls a week before the full moon so hopefully I should be fairly stable and won’t spill my toast to you.
      The dress sounds terrific and a make-over will make you feel tip-top. I just wear a mask these days or a brown paper bag on special occasions.
      Loads and Loads of Love
      Velvet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
       

    • #21999
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well, today i am wild!!!! You know how i went shopping and bought my beautiful dress on Friday…well Monday the catalogue comes out and heres my dress…$50 cheaper. I have rung the store and they are unprepared to refund my $50.  I told them that they would have known that the dress would be on sale Monday, to which the sales girl agreed, but i have to return the dress and wait 24 hours to go get it at the cheaper price…which i am going to do. Its the principle.  What disgusting customer service, i told her so too.  So on my day off im traipsing into town to return it.  I know it may sound petty, if the sale was on in 2 weeks well thats the luck of the draw, but 2 days????? Its the principle to me, and hey, if it happens to sell before then, well ill just have to find another one.
      Anyway, coming up to my 3 month mark….woohoo.  It feels good to not have that strong, painful urge anymore.  The thought is still there, proably always will be, but i will just keep coping like i have been, whatever works i say.
      I am starting to relax a lot more now, trying to get back to my happy self, and its coming along, slowly. Im breathing out before i say anything, i have been biting heads off everywhere, its time to stop.  Life is good, i am a very fortunate person to have such a wonderful family.  I can feel the emotion draining out of me, my shoulders are starting to relax, its time to enjoy my life.
      Thanks everyone, have a wonderful day.
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22000
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hey crazy K (your news name)
      Well done for sticking at it, and i totally agree about the dress, I have been known to do that to (for debs dresses) It goes to show you that gambling doesn’t have to ruin your life forever!!! Enjoy your Birthday (29) and make sure to have a drink for meeeee, your wee irish mate.
      keep the faith young lady!
      AlPlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #22001
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi Al,    
      Sure, sure the dresses are for Deb, thats what they all say!!!!!!! Take care my friend, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22002
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  Posted a long note, then lost it.  Lovely!! Just to add to my already charming mood.  Thanks for your supportive post, my friend, I needed the shake up.  Have much to do, just around the house, so I must get to it. 
      Incredible work on the three months … you should be proud and celebrate!!!  This is going to be a great birthday, isn’t it???  Many WOOOOOO-HOOOOOs from Canada.  I’m glad you’ve found your Happy Place.  Stay there and enjoy … God knows you’ve earned it!!
      All the best.
      RGThis moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #22003
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well, i did take the dress back, and im going in tonight to re-purchase it.  In reality, $50 used to be a drop in the bucket, i would put 10 of them in a machine in an hour and not give a rats.
      I always remember leaving a venue thinking, i could have filled my cupboards with groceries for a month with what i just spent, i could have taken the kids to the movies 5 times, i could have, i could have, i could have.
      I am also picking up my ‘bling’ for my birthday tomorrow, i have to wonder, if all this hadnt happened if i would be getting it but hey, WHO CARES, im getting it anyway and i think i am a most deserving recipient!!!!!!!
      I am going to a show tonight with my sister, its a comedy show, i have never been to one so it should be good. My sister has a great sense of humor, we always have a laugh together, she is the quiet one while im loud and dramatic.  We get on really well, im really looking forward to it. The last few years we have been doing quite a lot together, we have a few things coming up in the next 6 months, another comedy show, the Australian Open Tennis, Mamma Mia.  Im lucky to have a sister that im so close with, although it wasnt always like that, she was really close with my eldest sister who died, and when that happened we were drawn together.  Something good comes from something bad.
      My mother in law sent me $100 for my birthday!!! I was shocked.  She sends Damian $50, how funny is that….she knows who to stay in the good books with.  I will put it in the bank, with everything i have coming up, it will come in handy for something!
      Well, tomorrow is my 3 month mark, although in reality it is just another day i will not gamble.  I wish i didnt have to work, but ive been lucky in that ive had the last few years off, just by chance with the roster.
      Anyway, have a great gamble free day, id better go and wash my hair,  have to look nice for tonight!!!
      Take care all, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22004
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Well, happy birthday and a happy 3 month anniversary!  Lots to celebrate in your world.  I’m pleased to see that you are relaxing…one thing most of us have never learned is to allow R & R time when we need it.  I looked with some yearning in my eyes today at my bed…I could definitely use a good lay-in.  I’m trying a sleeping pill now, just desperate to get some uninterrupted sleep.  I need to allow myself some time to get back to routine again after that wild August.  I’m off on a business trip next week, so I’ll have to snatch what rest I can.  Anyways, hope you got your dress on the second go-round.  Enjoy your celebration days!

    • #22005
      Dunc
      Amministratore del forum

      Hi Ya Kathryn
      Your Quote "
      I am also picking up my ‘bling’ for my birthday tomorrow, i have to wonder, if all this hadnt happened if i would be getting it but hey, WHO CARES, im getting it anyway and i think i am a most deserving recipient!!!!! "
      In my opinion once we really break through the initial stopping stage of gambling many feel the need to save as much as possible, pay of debts as quick as possible etc…  This can so easily lead to the feeling of being deprived and subsequently lead to resenting recovery… So good on ya, you do deserve it.
      Harry"Occasionally it’s wise to doubt our doubts, to question our questions, and to re-think our thoughts."

    • #22006
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn,
      An early well done on your 3 months, it really is great watching people come here and really start to blossom. Don’t worry about spending a bit of cash and treating yourself, I think its all part of the recovery. It took me a while to spend out on "normal" things after I gave up because I still had that gambler head on but once I did I was sort of amazed at what money can buy compared to what I used to gamble away.
      Anyway have a great birthday and stay strong.
      Cheers
      Carl My soul is back

    • #22007
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Happy Birthday Chook! and happy 3 months.
      Sydney Rocks! I am having a blast and i SO deserve this! (hehe)
      I am climbing to the top of the sydney harbour bridge today. it is a glorious sydney day of course, and the harbour looks beautiful from my balcony! When i get to the top I’ll be ‘throwing my arms in the air’ and thinking of you and all our amazing friends on here!
      When i get ‘back down to earth’ I’ll be having a drink for ya too my friend! (and 3 for Velvet! LOL)
      Much much love and light
      Meg
      xxxxx"We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #22008
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hey Birthday Girl:  Many happy returns of the day and may your year be spectacular!!  You deserve nothing less.  Buy all the bling you need (I call it "shiny pretties" … something I picked up from my three year old niece and it’s stuck for years).  Now that she’s 30, we still go for our "shiny, pretties" fix!!
      Congratulations too on your gamble-free time.  You have done an awesome job in times where many may have cracked.  You have so much to be proud of.
      Gotta run … much homework and studying to be supervised and there is only 30 minutes before bedtime. 
      All the best.
      RGThis moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #22009
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well thank you for your wishes, i have had a lovely day.  Jodie and i took the kids to one of those indoor jungle gyms…they had a blast and we could have coffee in relative peace!
      My bling looks f-a-b-u-l-o-u-s, i shouldnt wear it to work but im going to just because….i went and got my dress back for the sale price…lol… although the one i took back had been sold so i had to order another one to be delivered, but its coming.  I had a fantastic time with my sister last night, she spoils me rotten, the show was hilarious, i never knew people sitting on a stage saying nothing at all could be so funny.  So all in all i have had a lovely birthday, oh, and Brea bought me a beautiful blingy clutch bag for the wedding…im all set!
      So 3 months gamble free today.  I actually had an urge driving home last night and i know exactly why…it was because i didnt tell Damian (well i didnt know) what time i would be home.  I used to love it when i was going somewhere and i wasnt sure when it would finish, i could always pop in for a quick gamble.  The urge lasted all of 2 minutes, i put the radio on really loud and started singing, it did the trick.
      So i hope you are all having a lovely gamble free day, thank you all for your wonderful support over the last 3 months, im sure without you i wouldnt have done so well.  Everytime i look at my bling finger, it will remind me not only of how much i am loved, but that life without gambling makes everything else that little bit more enjoyable.
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22010
      thebfunk
      Partecipante

      Happy bday! Congrats on your bling, but most important congrats on three months. Enjoy the milestone and pat yourself on the back for fighting your gambling urge.

    • #22011
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      happy birthday Kathryn and congrats, you deserve it.
      Well done.
      AlPlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #22012
      Dunc
      Amministratore del forum

      Hi Kathryn
      Happy 29th Birthday, well I can’t give it away can I. 
      Well done on your three months gambling free, and your three months of your life recovery..
      To me the best part of your post is the urge, the fact you’ve admitted it in its self is fantastic, but the greatest part is that you realised what triggered the urge, you put the radio on and the urge dissipated. That’s true awareness of you. In my opinion that should be what your most proud off. 
      Take Care
      Harry
      "Occasionally it’s wise to doubt our doubts, to question our questions, and to re-think our thoughts."
       — 11/09/2009 08:16:09: post edited by harry.

    • #22013
      velvet
      Moderatore

       
      Hiya Kathryn
      I’m just off out for the day but I had to pop in and wish you a really happy birthday. I haven’t time to read all your posts but I notice ‘bling’ is involved. I will have to come back and read all about it. You deserve all your happiness and I hope you and your bling sparkle for ever.
      I will be raising my glass to you tonight at 19.00 hours UK – great to know that somewhere in Sydney someone else is too. Hope she takes her hands out of the air long enough to take a sip.  Somehow I don’t think she will spill a drop!! 
      Loads of Love
      V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
       

    • #22014
      howanan
      Partecipante

        Hope you are having a great b’day.    NancyWorry is an old man bent at the headCarrying a bag of feathersThinking it is a bag of lead… Corrie Ten Bloom

    • #22015
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Happy birthday a day late!  I’m not as talented as Nancy, so I can’t send you a fancy card, but I do with the very best for you this year.  Think back to you last birthday, you probably blew out your candles and wished for a really big jackpot.  Today you can blow out your candles, and wish for health, peace, contentment (and an eensy-beensy bit of bling!).  You are doing so great K, cheers to you from that other British colony (Canada) lol!!!

    • #22016
      p
      Partecipante

      Hey happy birthday Kathryn
      You are doing so well.  I have read through your posts and i want to thank you with all that you went through for still having time to post to me.  You are amazing girl!  I am in awe you have made it so long, i cannot wait to be able to say i have even done it a month, today is unfortunately my day one again!  ive gone back to square one and desperately desperately want to stop.  I am going to self exclude hopefully in the next few days but i am scared on my own, i am going to maybe ask someone from ga to come with me.  I lost it again and thought i was ok, what was i thinking.  Back on track today is my day one but this is it, i need to save my own life and not ruin my sons.
      Thanks so much for your posts to me, it really is such a help.  I find the struggle pretty constant.  I know it will ease later on. 
      P

    • #22017
      sury
      Partecipante

       
      HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATH…! AND CONGCRATULATION ON YOUR 3 MONTHS GAMBLING FREE. YOU ARE DOING WELL..!
      TAKE CARE……..!

    • #22018
      howanan
      Partecipante

      It’s Saturday afternoon here and I am taking a few minutes to check up on all my friends.  I know you are alright.  So I will just say ave a great weekend.      NancyWorry is an old man bent at the headCarrying a bag of feathersThinking it is a bag of lead… Corrie Ten Bloom

    • #22019
      vera
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn!
      Just home from a twelve hour shift. Hubby just home from Germany. I’m too tired to talk so i’m sending one post and then lights out. Long day again tomorrow.
      21:o5 Irish time…
       all the sevens

    • #22020
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I have just made an appointment to have Damians yearly tax return done.  Why does this scare me? Damian has a tax debt of approx $28,000.  Its the only debt left.  I was paying around $1000 a month off this debt, but what i wasnt doing, and didnt realise i had to do was also pay his quarterly installments. When that wasnt paid, the payment arrangement defaulted.  I was supposed to send in these forms, with a reduced payment plan so that we could pay both the debt and the installments.  Did i do that? We all know the answer.
      This was back in May.  I am now, this week going to send the forms in to the tax department.  The stuff i have to send with it is horrific, i dont know where to start and im terrified.  Im terrified they wont agree to the arrangement, i want to drop the debt payment by $400 a month so that should also almost cover the quarterly installments.
      In reality, my bling  money should have gone towards the tax. We have been living a pretty good life at the minute, ignoring this debt. Its time to face the music. I feel physically ill about it all, but i know that it wont change until i change it. Its the last hurdle and im having a very hard time getting myself over it.
      Apart from that, i have been busy, worked all weekend, went and did the grocery shop this morning, its a glorious day here, spring has finally arrived.  I hope you have all had a lovely weekend, im going to go and have a look at the papers now and see what i need to do. 
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22021
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Kathryn, you’ll get through the tax debt just fine.  I know that because you have gotten through so much more already.  I don’t like to mess with the tax people either but it sounds like you caught what’s missing right away…hopefully, it won’t be a problem.
      Enjoy your bling. You deserve it!

    • #22022
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well im on a bit of a health kick.  Dont get me wrong, im still eating chocolate (just not as much) but i have been walking the last couple of days, power walking.  Its amazing how nice weather makes you want to get out and do something.  So yesterday i decided to walk down to Harrys kinder and pick him up and walk home.  I walked down by the beach, along the esplanade.  I must get myself some music, its strange when all you can hear is your own heart, pulse rate going up and up…and the huffing and puffing.  So when i decide to do something,  it is never without incident.
      I was just about to tackle a big hill, head down breathing in the nose and out the mouth, i then hear this woman yelling and the sound of something running towards me…..a big, and i mean big, dog.  Im not a dog person, never have been, but i look up to see this huge, wet dog bounding towards me.  It starts jumping all over me, wet, dirty paws.  Im standing there with pleading eyes for someone to save me.  Then the dog finally runs off and the owner yells out ‘dont let her jump on you’????? Short of hitting it on the head with a very big stick love, what exactly would you like me to do?
      Anyway, i surge ahead, make it to kinder on time and pick up my little man.  We had a lovely walk home (no dogs in sight) listened to the birds, there were millions of dragonflies everywhere, they were massive.  We avoided any attack from them and had an uneventful walk home.
      I have woken up this morning, not only very sore but with a shocking neck…i feel like someone is standing on my head and pushing my verterbrae in my neck together, which has also given me a massive headache.  Not a good way to start the day.  Im working today, then im off for 4 days.  I have a hens night on Sat. night, that should be fun??? I dont know what they do at hens nights anymore, but a couple of drinks should have me relaxed enough to tackle anything!!!
      I havent really had any thoughts of gambling, im sure im nearly at the 100 day mark now, i have stopped counting days and decided that months will do.  Still taking it one day at a time of course, but the 11th of each month is a milestone for me.
      Only 2 more sleeps and my children are home for 2 weeks break.  I admit, i do love the sleeping in of holidays, not rushing around, just lazy days.
      Anyway, have a great gamble free day, i will try for another walk today, but Harry is home and i cant power walk, just stroll.  Im sure thats better than nothing.
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22023
      vera
      Partecipante

      Well done on the power walking Kathryn,
      I’m so tired I can barely type. Almost midnight now. Exhausted after my OT. We were short-staffed and my boss offered me 12 hrs OT again tomorrow…too tired! Said I’d do 6 , so I’m on 2 to 8pm. My son has a friend staying for a few nights. Barely spoke to them, or to hubby since he came home. Working my own 12 hour shift on Friday and  12 hours night overtime on Sunday. Money for college fees. Delighted to get the chance. Not much overtime available with cut backs. The tough part is that almost half of it goes between taxes and levies………
      How did we every find time and energy to gamble?
      Head down now………..
       all the sevens

    • #22024
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
       I am excited.  One of my favourite authors, Dan Brown has just released his new book.  I didnt even know he was writing another one so imagine my glee when i got the catalogue today with his book on the front.  I am treating myself tomorrow, going in to get it after the mono wax (yes, we have been here before!!!)
      So not only will my weekend be busy, but i will have a lovely new book to occupy my time.  Who needs gambling when Robert Langdon is off on another adventure.  WOOHOO!!!
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22025
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi again:  Responded to you on my thread by mistake, so check it out when you have a moment.  I love Dan Brown too.  Looking forward to getting the new book.  Love reading … although lately I’ve been focused on self-improvement and business books.  Need to lighten up a little.
      Good work on the walking … sorry about the dirty dog!!!  My dog is huge — great dane, yellow lab mix … but he’s smart enough not to jump up on people.  Owners of "jumpy" dogs should keep them on a leash.  I would have told that owner so in no uncertain terms.
      You’re doing well, my friend, keep up the incredible work.  I’m in awe of your commitment.
      Talk soon.
      All the best.
      RGThis moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #22026
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Im feeling fantastic today, not sure why, i feel full of hope.  A wierd feeling to wake up to but im taking it, my neck pain has gone so thats proboably part of it.
      I know this is going to sound strange, but today i realised the enormity of this site.  I have posted quite a bit this morning but ive been thinking about every post i write and recieve.  It is an amazing thing, to know that someone, on the other side of the world, who you have never met, has taken the time to sit down and not only read but reply to something i have written.  I think that is HUGE.  Its never quite hit me before, and i find it one of the most comforting feelings.  Maybe thats it…maybe its not hope, but contentment i am feeling? Whatever it is, i wouldnt mind waking up with it everyday.
      Gambling is always in the back of my mind, i think it always will be, but i am truly becoming (Harry, you will love this) AWARE.  Its almost like a wave washing over me, i have a thought, and my mind tells me to let it go.  Its extrodinary, considering 3 months ago i would have a thought, and i would be in the car 5 seconds later and within 2 minutes i would be sitting at a machine, pumping in the money.
      I dont know how this happened, i just know that i will not gamble today because i want to keep this feeling, the one i have right now.  Maybe im also realising just how lucky i am, to have such wonderful caring friends here, and on the homefront, my family is ok, so im ok.  I was always so used to a drama, a drama i created that it has taken me a long time to learn to cope without one, although i did have a major one as you all know, but really it was the first one that was not related to gambling and i got through, only just at times.
      Anyway, maybe im being nostalgic, maybe im having a lightbulb moment, maybe today, im just glad to be alive, healthy and yes, i think i can say happy.
      Have a great day everyone, take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22027
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Great enlightened post Kathryn.  I think it’s amazing too that we can connect with people all over the world…and care about each other. Being happy and content is wonderful. Way to go!

    • #22028
      female g
      Partecipante

      hey kathryn,
       thanks so much for your good advice. it helps alot.  I just thought I’d let you know how much I love Austriala.  I was very fortunate to live there for 1 year in the mid 80’s. My husband and I did a teaching exchange in Perth and loved it so much. We actually tried to imigrate but at the time your country was in recession and we couldn’t get jobs there.  never the less we had the time of our lives there, just thought I’d share that with you thanks for your helpful opinions.  Its been about a month now and I really don’t want to fail. xoxoxFG

    • #22029
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,  Your post put to words what many of us feel about this forum and the friendships we have made here.  I know that without this forum i would still be gambling.  It has changed my whole way of thinking.  I feel the same way about thinking about the gambling.  Most days now it doesn’t enter my mind.  And when it does, I just think of other more impiortant things and the urges quietly leave.    Thank you for your posts on my threads.  You know every posts helps in different ways.  We are different people from all over the world helping each other through the insanity of gambling.  I am glad you are having a GREAT day…………NancyIf it is to be …….. It’s up to me!Gladness is a choice and attitude is the key to happiness.

    • #22030
      vera
      Partecipante

      we get out of life what we put in Kathryn, and you sure have put a lot into your recovery and into this forum;that’s what is coming back to you now!
      Glad you’re feeling happy today!
       all the sevens

    • #22031
      p
      Partecipante

      Hey Kathryn
      It is so good isnt it, this forum is the best!  I am on day 3 of my new life, i want to thank you for the support you give.  You truly have helped me too.  everyone that replies does.  You are amazing and i think you have great strength.  You help a lot of people on here you know, and you have helped yourself and been through a lot in the process.  I have managed to make my way through your thread and feel i know you a little better now.  Thank you Kathryn for being there for me. 
      P

    • #22032
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I had a lovely day today, i went to my girlfriends, we were in high school together and she has a new baby, well he’s 10 weeks now but just lovely.  Harry and i spent the day there, she also has a 3yo so the boys had a great time. My friend and i never shut up, it was just like we were back in high school, its interesting, i see her and dont think of her as nearly 40, all i see is the beautiful 15 year old that i told all my secrets to. It was great.  I then had to come home early as Bailey had his last day and they finish a bit early.  Jodie and i went for a big walk, it wasnt as painful as the first time, although she has really short legs and i have really long ones so i backed off a bit so she could keep up without running!!!!! (if you ever read this Jode, sorry love but you know its true)
      Tonight my football team is playing to get into the grand final…i so hope they win.  I have sent dames out to the shed to watch it, he makes me too nervous and he gets very agro when we are losing so he is banned from the house. I will proboably get all my ironing done, i can never sit still when they are playing.
      Anyway, no thoughts of gambling today, i was just too busy and my body is very heavy tonight from the walking, i can hardly type!!! I am sooooo unfit. I really just want to be in a good headspace for the wedding and not feeling all flabby and yuck. 
      Dames made an interesting comment tonight, we havent spoken of the ‘drama’ since it ended but he said to me..’ can you believe we went through all that?’ Now, i think it has taken him all this time to get his head around it, poor bugger.  I think women are lucky as we can deal with our emotions as they come, where as men (i think) tend to bottle them and let them build up.  They dont express themselves as well as we do.  I thought it was funny just coming out of nowhere like that.
      I hope you all have a wonderful gamble free day, take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxx Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22033
      kathryn
      Partecipante

       
      Hi All,
      I just have to say, that my boys the Saint Kilda Saints won by 7 measly points to get into the Grand Final Next week.
      WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22034
      howanan
      Partecipante

      HI Kathryn,  I can read you are still doing great.  I am so happy for you.  I know your children and hubby are also happy to see you in a great mood.  Keep up that mood.  Nothing is worth getting down about.  Hope the walking takes off the extra flab (lol)………..NancyIf it is to be …….. It’s up to me!Gladness is a choice and attitude is the key to happiness.

    • #22035
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I am having a lovely lazy Saturday morning.  I love Saturdays…well, i work on 1 but the other one i sit and read the paper, drink lots of coffee and just relax. 
      I have my hens night tonight so that should be fun.  Im sure there will be all the usual games, but i am looking forward to catching up with Damians sisters and sister in laws.  They are all great, i married into a good family. Harry had woken up with a bad cough this morning, its going around so im keeping him inside, nice and warm.  He is not a complainer, he never whinges when he is feeling unwell, god bless him.
      Im going to go for another walk today, although it has just started raining, the weather here is so up and down at the moment, yesterday was bordering on hot!
      I knew that my 100 days must be coming up, i really stopped counting them but i wanted to know when it was so i got the calender and guess what? It was yesterday! I didnt even know, so my big 100 came and went, but boy, does it feel really good.  I just told Dames, he is 100 days too, we high fived each other!!!  Corny i know.
      Anyway, i hope you all have a wonderful weekend, ill let you know how the hens night goes!!!!
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22036
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  CONGRATULATIONS ON THE BIG 100!!!!!  YOU ROCK!!!!!!  Amazing achievement and  to Damian too!!  What is amazing is that you just set your mind to it and away you went.  Here’s to many, many, many more.
      Thank you, my friend, for putting things in perspective for me on my thread.  You’re lovely, I am grateful.  I’m glad you’re having a lovely lazy Saturday morning.  Nothing better really … and what fun to have a hen’s party to look forward to.  Perfect day.
      Hope little Harry is feeling a bit better … sorry to hear that he’s under the weather.  I kept my eldest home today because he’s been under the weather and I’m completely paranoid about the swine flu since we’re just heading into our winter. However, he wasn’t lucky enough to skip school altogether.  His teacher asked me to give him his weekly spelling and vocabulary test and then to drop it at the school at the end of the day.  Needless to say, he has a lot of catching up to do for the work he missed today.  They really make it unattractive for kids to stay home , so my boys think twice before feigning stomach aches, etc.
      I’ve just had a major cleaning spurt, now I’m settling in to watch a bit of tv.  Only have to clean bathrooms tomorrow and do laundry and shopping, then I can spend time with kids.
      Keep it up (I know you will) and I will too.  Thankfully I’m looking forward to day 54, rather than day 1.
      All the best.
      RGThis moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #22037
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hi Kat,  Congrat’s on your gamble free time.  Doesn’t it feel great to have money and time in your pocket?
      Thanks for your thoughtful post and your prayers.  We are having a tough time right now and it is affecting all of us.  I  did go to the dr’s and I have issues too that need to be taken care of.   Stress is the major problem in my life.  When family life is not right, it seems nothing is.  I’m tired and upset with recent  things that have happened with my granddaughter and hoping that things straighten themselves soon.  I am not gambling and that would only make things  worse.  I would like nothing better to escape but know that’s not the answer.  I’m staying strong.
      I’m so glad you are enjoying your gamble free time with your family and friends.  You sound so happy and deserve every minute of happiness.  Your so supportive of others and are always there for the newcomers and us oldies but goodies.   It’s really appreciated Kathryn.  Danielle
       

    • #22038
      soupbone68
      Partecipante

      keep it up kathryn, how was hen night. will be waiting to here from you and i hope you had fun.

    • #22039
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well, i am a little under the weather (what an understatement) after last night. I laughed till my sides burst, it was a great night.  I only drink a couple of times during the year, and unfortunately i got a bit carried away with the vodka/jelly shots….. Never mind, we played musical chairs, did the limbo (im so not flexible),  played a ‘sort’ of pin the tail on the donkey, without the tail or the donkey (use your imagination), and played the Wii.  It was a great night, my sisters in law are just hysterical, we laughed and laughed. 
      I was home by midnight, just managed to find the front door without breaking my neck and slept until lunchtime.  I did manage a walk with Jode, although we did get rained on but i felt much better.  I weighed myself on her scales, and the last time i did it was about 6 weeks ago.  Well, i have lost 2kg since then, i only need to lose about 3.5kg to be at my happy weight, so that was a nice surprise.
      No thoughts of gambling, my head has been too sore!!! Even last night, it didnt enter my head, we were having too much fun.
      So i hope you all had a lovely weekend, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22040
      p
      Partecipante

      Hey Kathryn
      I love reading your posts i often have a laugh while reading them.  You are an inspiration, fantastic news on day 100.  I almost feel envious.  Today is day 5.  But hey i know with lovely people like you on here sharing and caring it makes it that little easier to get through.  Congratulations on getting a life back for you and your family.  Well done!  Did your husband do the 100 days with you?  That sounds awesome if he did.  You show a lot of caring on this site for people. Good on you for your generosity of spirit.  You are helping others every time you post.  Happy birthday by the way i read you had one recently.  We are very close in age too. 
      P
       

    • #22041
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Sure, I go away for a teeny bit of time, and you reach your 100 milestone!  A belated congratulations my dear, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer person!  I enjoyed your re-telling of your evening with your friends.  It makes me think that the Kathryn from 120 days ago wouldn’t have enjoyed herself so much, been so free and happy.  Non-gambling has opened the door to let Kathryn shine again! 
      The only thing I can’t congratulate you on is the weight loss.  That’s because I’m a sourpuss and have not go my plans to do the same off the ground!  Really, if you do any more self-improvement, I’m going to end up hating you! lol  Not true, I will use you as inspiration.  Seriously, great job K.  Relax and recover this weekend.  You certainly deserve it.

    • #22042
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      100 day is a wonderful milestone.  I’m happy you breezed through it.  Sounds like you had a great time with the sister-in-laws.  So much better than gambling and, besides the headache, you are still feeling good about last nights fun.
      Your life sounds amazingly full and happy.  You deserve it!

    • #22043
      linnie44
      Partecipante

      100 days woooo whoo!     Losing track of your days is a very, very good sign.   I enjoy reading your posts and you have helped so many here. Proud of you!
      Hugs!  (lol, vodka and jello shots?  A true girls night out…memories….) *life is good

    • #22044
      videopoker_idiot
      Partecipante

       Congrats on a 100. I think I have made at least 45. But when I do lose, well it doesnt really matter.
      I respect what you done to get there too.
       VPI

    • #22045
      velvet
      Moderatore

      Dear Kathryn
      thank you for popping over onto my thread – I love to see your name there.  I have thought a lot about your question and I am not going to attempt to answer it while my husbands stomach is growling for his dinner (or is it mine).  Answer it I will as best I can – and soon.
      Loads of Love
      V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • #22046
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well today was ‘D’ day…off to the accountant.  I have not had as strong a gambling urge as i had driving in there.  I actually got the pain in my stomach.  My accountant is a lovely man, totally understanding and helpful and of course, he gave me some great advice on what to do about my debt.  He said just to start making payments, make them for a couple of months and then ring the tax office and speak to someone, so i was really relieved that there is a weeny light at the end of the tunnel, although it will take years and years to pay off.  But, thats the price.
      Driving home, i thought about gambling, but only in the context that i didnt have the urge anymore.  The panic was gone, i had faced the demon now i just have to start making regular payments and get this thing on the move.
      One bonus is that here, in Oz, we have a family payment, it is given to every family.  We have to estimate how much we earn in the year and the amount is calculated by them.  Once the tax returns are lodged, the family payment office check against what you earned to what you estimated and you either get a debt, a payment or break even.  It turns out that i overestimated our earnings by almost $20,000.  This means we will get a payment from them, and it should be a nice little bonus that i can pay off the tax in a lump sum so that will reduce the debt a bit. (not much but anything will help)
      So all in all, i was petrified for nothing, now i need to go and eat, im starving!!!!
      Have a great, gamble free day all,
      Bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22047
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  That’s great news!!  You must be so relieved.  I love how everything seems to be falling into place for you.  I think it’s no coincidence that all the good stuff is happening to you now that you’ve removed the negative crap of gambling.  
      Keep going, my friend, you’re doing a remarkable job (and teaching me so many lessons of how not to succumb to gambling when things don’t go exactly as I planned).
      All the best.
      RG This moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #22048
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,
      I was jsut catching up, I am sooo pleased that everything is working out for you, it takes a great mind to think things through like you do, so well done for staying on top of these things, it wouild be easy to bury your head… You are a remarkable woman, and a woman that I am glad that I have met, I hope to some up the same courage and conviction that you have shown over the past few months, its hard to believe that its only been just over 3 months!
      you are a testimate to GT and a great member to have on this site, keep up the good work and good luck.
      AlPlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #22049
      velvet
      Moderatore

       
      Hiya Dear Kathryn
      I have just scrapped tons of words. Your question on my thread has made me do a lot of thinking so I hope my thoughts do not come out too jumbled. xx
      I realise you already aware of a lot I am going to write but I need to put things down to get my thoughts into some sort of order.   
      When my CG left rehab we moved things along gently because we had to build up trust on both sides. I think it was more than that though – I think we were both dealing with our new ‘normal’ – we were handling our thoughts more carefully because these were our ‘new memories’ – the ones we were going to keep. 
      He became aware during counselling that his memories were possibly inaccurate but the most important thing was that those memories should not weigh so heavily that they prevented him from starting anew. His head had been full of ‘the gamble’ for so long that there was no room for much else. To gamble meant he had to lie. His lies became his truth. To go back and analyse all those years would be impossible and unhelpful so he has accepted that he cannot change that which has gone before – he can only change that which is ‘now’ and is ‘to come’ and ensure that it is good.
      He had an obvious memory problem a little while after rehab when he said something he ‘remembered’ from his teens and believed to be 100% true. I watched the dismay and distress on his face as he realised his memory had been a distortion of the truth and I decided from then on to ‘help’ him when I could but never to worry – we were looking forward not back.
      We had a photographic session and I introduced him to a lot of his life and it was a good experience.  
      I want to put all this into perspective though. I am a non-CG who has parts of her life that she doesn’t remember. 
      I had tremendous memory loss as a result of stress resulting in me having a secret Alzheimer’s test.
      I now know that I am not losing my memory (apart from a few senior moments) and I believe it is because I am in control of my life.   I have accepted that there are memories I have lost through stress, memories I choose not to remember and memories that I suppose just get lost which I assume is normal.
      I know that being relaxed is better for memory recall than worry.
      How old were you when you started gambling. On top of what I think is normal forgetfulness you have been struggling with an addiction whose job it was to control your memory. You have stood up to that addiction and removed its control putting ‘you’ in charge. I think your memories from now on will stay with you and you will be able to trust them.
      I feel as though this is such a big subject and I want to say so much and yet don’t seem able to put anything into words succinctly enough.
      I believe it is better not to worry too much about what you might have forgotten. Don’t delve too deeply or too intensely.   
      If you feel you might not have dealt with your father’s death then how about talking about it on here, in the groups or to the helpline. I think that being afraid of the loss of the memory will make it more difficult to recall. Don’t be afraid. I’m sure your dad would have wished you to remember him alive.
      I adored my dad. He didn’t say much (unlike me) but what he did say made sense.   I do remember his death and his funeral but I was older than 16. I know, however, my dad would not want me remembering the sad bits and I have happy photos in my home to remind me of his life.
      ‘Your’ life is not ‘forgettable’ it is just that some parts are more memorable than others. xx
      I don’t know where Meg is. I thought she should be home by now. Perhaps they have kept her in the zoo – she is unique. Maybe they couldn’t get her in the plane with her hands sticking up. I am sure wherever she is we will hear again soon.
      You take care too Kathryn. You have become very special.
      Loads of Love
      V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
       
       

    • #22050
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hey Kathryn,
      Top news about that potential windfall!
      No one deserves good news more than you do – so pleased for you.
      Anyway, just wanted to stop by and say hi, as we haven’t ‘spoken’ for a little while.
      Thanks for your honesty about thinking about gambling when you were on your way to the accountant.  It helps to know that others get ‘those thoughts’…and resist them!!
      All my best to you as always,
      S.

    • #22051
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,  I read with interest your comments on Velvets thread.  The things that we put in our subconcious, likeyour Dad’s death.  For the past month I have been studing "Dianetics", the science of the brain.  It is actually called, "Scientology" and has been around for over 50 years.  It speaks to alot of issues you are facing now, remembering and recalling hurtful episodes in our lives, acknowledging them  and erasing them from our reactive mind they no longer have the effect that they have on us.  These bad memories are called engrams and can harm us emotionally until we clear them out of our minds.   We make think we have handled these hurts well but in reality, we have only buried them.  If you are interested, let me know. I will send you their web address and you can check it out for yourself.  I find it fasinating and learning everyday about just what hurtful memories can do to us.   Like gambling for instance.  We bury these engrams and wonder why we are feeling so bad.  Certain events can trigger the feeling, without us even knowing why because they are buried so deep.  With Scientology, we learn to recall those engrams and release them.   It’s hard to explain without further study.  It takes time to read the principles and to understand it all.
      Hope all is well kathryn.  It was good to hear from you on my thread.  I’m still waiting to hear about my granddaughter. I should know soon.  Danielle

    • #22052
      howanan
      Partecipante

      You are still doing great.  At least you kicked that urge to the curb.  And it is great you are getting an unexpected windfall to pay some bills.  Good… Have a happy day……..NancyIf it is to be …….. It’s up to me!Gladness is a choice and attitude is the key to happiness.

    • #22053
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I had a few lightbulb moments yesterday in terms of my memories.  I finally made the connection that because i had been lying all those years, they pushed the ‘real’ memories to the back. The lies became my truth…..those words have actually changed the way i see my life and i find it to be rather amazing. I am accepting that i may never really remember the details of the last 20 odd years and im ok with that.  Today is what counts, and my new memories, ones that are not tainted by lies or gambling are the ones i treasure.
      So, yesterday was boring!!! I didnt do a lot, went and visited my girlfriend, and my mum, then had to work last night.  I had a really good night at work.  It helps when the residents are calm, and it really does depend on the staff working.  When i got there i had a coffee before i started and sat out with the girls and had a good laugh, it was really nice.
      Today is a dreary, rainy day.  Bailey has a friend over so he is keeping them sufficiently occupied.  Im having a home day, pottering around getting some jobs done.  Tonight i have my girls night with Jode, its the finale of our show so we always have some yummy food and a good yak.
      Not much else to say except that i havent gambled, im always grateful for that.
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22054
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hi kathryn,  Sounds like you are doing great.  Things are going well, you are keeping busy and having fun.  What more could you want.  lol!!!
      Granddaughter is still in hospital.  They want to talk to me.  So I will be speaking to one of the team members later today. 
      The web address is http://www.scientology.org.  Check it out…you’ll find it interesting and enlightening. 
      Take care Kathryn and keep up the good work.  Your also an asset to this community and I love reading your posts.   You are so full of life and energy.   Danielle

    • #22055
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Wow Kathryn.. You took to not gambling like a duck does to water.  lol  What can I say except that you are doing great.  The best thing to do is to stay focussed in today.  We have no control of yesterday or tomorrow.  Enjoy your time with your friend………NancyIf it is to be …….. It’s up to me!Gladness is a choice and attitude is the key to happiness.

    • #22056
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hello my beautiful friend
      just wrote you a wonderful post that must be floating out there somewhere in cyberspace….coz i lost it!!!! Grrrrr!
      I am on a temporary laptop, with a dodgy modem (blame the dongle haha)!!!! so, suffice it to say………………
      LOve ya, miss ya, proud of ya (proud of ME too….sydney harbour bridge was my wee personal ‘everest’ – "go" sir edmund hilary!) I waved my arms in the air for ALL of us!!!! (no i didnt get stuck on plane, but the beautifulhostess came back to me with a half full bottle of bubbles and said…noone else is drinking this!!!….will i leave it with YOU????!!!! hahha. of course i wanted to be helpful…..so i said…… um…..Hell yeah!)
      Havent caught up with the old tart yet (aka "V") haha…but she will track me down for sure. Was thinking of you both up there (and a few special others too!).
      Hoping to get some reliable technology happening soon!
      Much much love and light!!!!!!!!
      Meg xxxxxxxxx"We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #22057
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well, today i finished my book. Dan Brown is a GENIUS!!!!! It felt like it took me forever but i finally got through it and i enjoyed every single bit.
      I worked tonight, not my greatest night but im glad its over.  I am also working all weekend, what a drag, but i wont be saying that when i pay for everything for the wedding next week…hotel, hair, accesories, etc etc. Im grateful for my job, although sometimes it sends me a bit loopy!  Im just waiting for next weekend, im pretty excited about the wedding and the night at the lovely hotel on the water, a bit flash for me really!!!! Im sure ill take it all in my stride…
      As for gambling, since my urge on Tuesday, i havent thought too much about it.  Its easy to forget when the children are home on holidays, its raining and yuck outside and they are under your feet all day!!!  Although now ive said that, usually i would be running to gamble as soon as Damian was home so i must be doing something right!!!
      I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, i will be on and off here as usual, my football team is playing tomorrow, please send all your good vibes to the St. Kilda Football Club at 2.40 Aus eastern standard time.  Im thinking that if we all think about it at the same time, we will definitely WIN…. I will be a bawling mess if they do, and i will be a bawling mess if they dont so i have to buy some tissues on the way home from work!!!!
      Take care all, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22058
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Hey girl, you are doing so great.  It is such a pleasure to log on here and read how busy your life is.  I have to ask though – what on earth is a hair fascinator?  I read that post from you on someone’s thread, and I didn’t have a clue what it was.  I’ll cheer for your team, but what kind of team is it?  Is it football like we know in North America, or soccer?  Or rugby?  I know we have different terms for our sports, so I want to make sure I’m sending up a mental cheer for the right kind of sport.   In Canada most of us are hockey nuts.  I don’t imagine that is such a big sport for you in Australia.  The pre-season is on right now, and the regular hockey season will start in about a week.  I can hardly wait.  I’m a fan of one of the Canadian teams, and game night (on the television of course) is a big deal for me.  Nothing is allowed to interfere!
      Have a great weekend, I’m proud of you.

    • #22059
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Well its over.  We lost. By 12 measley points which is 2 straight kicks in Aussie rules.  What a dissapointment. But we have decided to buy a family membership next year so we can go to all the games.  I could never afford it before so that will be something to look forward to.
      The other thing is i have to go to work tomorrow and cop a ribbing from all the girls…gee, i cant wait!
      I actually had an urge during the game, i wanted to escape and hide till it was all over.  I stayed on here instead.  So theres my positive.
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22060
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Kathryn:  You crack me up !!!  Didn’t think football was such an emotional thing!!  My condolences on the loss, but next year will be different ….
      Thanks for your post on my thread.  Always so nice to hear from you.  On this side of the world, it’s early Saturday afternoon.  Hubby and I took kids to a friends for a weekend long sleepover.  A first for them.  They’ve been on sleepovers before, and I’ve had tons at my house (in fact I’m known as the "Sleepover Mom"), but this is the first time it’s from Saturday a.m. to Sunday p.m. 
      After we dropped them, hubby and I took the dog to a leash-free park to be with some canine friends.  He had a blast … sniffing butts and peeing on everything over one inch tall.  Then, we sauntered over to a flea market to check out some bargain stuff.  Nothing really interesting … there was a Revlon warehouse sale, but the prices were less than appealing, so came out with nothing.  He’s feeling a bit under the weather (could it have something to do with his weekly poker/beer night last night?), so we’re home.  I’m going to take a nap, then choose between cleaning and shopping.  Maybe a movie tonight, don’t know.
      Glad to hear that the urge came and went with no incident.  I don’t expect you’ll give up your gamble-free time that easily now that you’ve come this far. 
      Rest up for this week’s walkathon.  Maybe I’ll challenge you to seven one-hour walks before the end of next Friday.  What say you???
      Keep safe and strong, my friend.
      All the best.
      RG
       This moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #22061
      john6615
      Partecipante

      thanks for the positive comments kath ,my aunties on high dose of morphine so it should be a matteer of hours not days , she had lung cancer and now its spread to her brain ,weve had long enough to prepare so we are just waiting for her to be put out of her misery,as for gambling u seem to be doing fantastic keep it up ive had a good day went to c my young 1 play soccer he scored direct from a corner his first ever goal so hes over the moon , not even thought about betting todayso its been good 1st ga meeting tmorrow so onward and upward xalways look on the bright side

    • #22062
      thebfunk
      Partecipante

      You are about 4 or 5 weeks ahead of me in gamble free days. I just wanted to thank you because watching your days add up helped me comprehend one day at a  time

    • #22063
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      My weekend from hell is over, well it wasnt from hell but i was so tired last night i feel asleep on the floor in front of the heater!
      I have a really busy week this week.  Today i am going to meet my sister.  She is taking the boys to KMart to buy them a ‘prize’.  She spoils them rotten, they are driving me crazy "when are we going?".  We are going to have lunch in there too. I am really looking forward to seeing her, she barracks for the team that beat mine in the grand final on Saturday.  I have to say, i was happy for her, she went to the game and i know its something she’ll never forget.  She is coming up to her 11th year gamble free, which i find amazing, and inspirational.  We didnt talk about it a lot as i was still gambling and didnt want to tell her, although i think she knew.  Now though, the conversation runs freely and i love listening to her advice and wisdom, she is a very smart woman, very insightful so i cant wait to see her today.
      I am only working tomorrow and Wed this week.  Thursday im going to do something with the boys, Friday im going to town to get the brows done (no, they are not mono this time!) and get some things i need for the big day on Saturday…the wedding. I am also going to a work lunch on Friday, we dont do it very often, just a social thing so that will be nice.  Its at a pub with no poker machines so thats even better, i dont have to think about it at all.
      My mother in law is coming Friday so i need to do some MAJOR cleaning this week. Tomorrow and Wed are dedicated to scrubbing…bathroom, toilet, floors…she doesnt care, but i do and i also know that she bitches to the other members of the family so im not giving her an inch!
      I often get overwhelmed when i have a busy week, and go into meltdown.  I think ill write myself a list and cross off the jobs when i get them done.  With the kids home its harder to get the work done and i dont usually worry that much, as long as the house is tidy. 
      Well, i had better go, i have a mountain of washing to fold, when i work on the weekend, nothing gets done so im in catch up mode.  I also had better find some time to go walking, Runninggirl has set me a challenge and im going to do it, no matter what…if it kills me, which it proboably will!!!!!
      I hope you all had a great weekend, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22064
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      LOL, Kathryn … you’d better get moving … I’m right behind you.  I’m determined to do it if I have to do two or three walks a day … which WILL kill me as I’ve been rather inactive these past weeks.  Did a massive clean today with the kids away.  Hubby, who is a natural born organizer, cleared all the cupboards in the kitchen and the linen closet.  I’m the go-to guy for cleaning.  So I vacuumed under beds, cleaned the guinea pigs’ cage, scrubbed one bathroom, two more to go tomorrow.  Still Sunday night here … ok 1 a.m. Monday morning.  Better get to bed soon or I won’t be walking anywhere.
      Wow … your sister has 11 years under her belt?  Great stuff!!!  How lucky you are to have her to lean on.
      Anyway, enjoy your super-busy week.  I know you’ll be good.
      All the best.
      RGThis moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #22065
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hey lady:  How goes the battle??  Did you get out for the walk on Monday?? I didn’t, so I’m well behind you already.  BUT … that doesn’t mean that I won’t catch up.  It rained cats and dogs all day long, so a walk was out of the question (I know … lame excuse!!!)  Anyway …
      Yes, three bathrooms, but it’s sounds grander than it is.  House is average North American suburban, no great shakes.  Cleaning the bloody bathrooms has become a major ordeal though.  I have to do a lot of self-talk.  The only way I know I’ll do all of them is if I tell myself "only 15 minutes in each bathroom".  So I set my timer and away I go.  Not so bad if you break it up like that.
      I’m so jealous of this grand affair you have on the weekend.  I love the whole dressing up, hair and make-up thing.  Haven’t had the opportunity to do it for a while.  Funny how things run parallel in our lives though,eh?  My hubby was also under the weather over the weekend.  How is Damian?  Feeling much better, I hope! Aren’t men babies when they get sick?
      My niece is a bridesmaid at a wedding on Saturday too.  Another grand affair.  Isn’t it ridiculous how much money people spend on weddings these days?  She’s been bridesmaid in six or seven weddings over the past four years and it’s just about broken her financially.  Between the dresses, the hair, the makeup and the gifts for the many showers and the wedding, it racks up into the thousands.  She’s 30, has a mortgage and bills etc, and she’s been out of work for a couple of months, so I hardly think her friends are being fair.  But that’s just me …
      Man, I’m really prattling on today. Day 63 today, 9 weeks.  I’m a happy girl.  Gambling thoughts over the weekend, but no real urges to speak of.  I’m stressing a bit with guilt though.  Thinking about how much time I’m spending with my boys doing homework these days.  They needed me back then too when I was too self-absorbed to care.  What a wretch!!!
      Sounds like a great week ahead for you.  Enjoy to the fullest.  Will talk soon.
      RG
       This moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #22066
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I had a great day today, well maybe not great but pretty good…went for a big walk with Jode, (are you reading that RG?) did a heap of housework (but quite a lot to go) and Brea and i played hairdressers.  We looked on the internet at up do’s for the wedding and found one (if anyone cares you can google Hayden Pantteire Emmy hairdo) and then Brea did it.  She just did it, i was quite amazed what a fantastic job she did, curling and pinning and the like.  I dont know why i bothered to book into the hairdressers, its too late now and they are doing my makeup as well. So im going to pay for a do that my gorgeous girl could have done for free…and the fascinator looks great with it too so im really happy.  I have the photo to take with me on Saturday.
      Im going to work tonight, yes, with my gorgeous hair, i think its hilarious…all the oldies will be wondering whats going on????
      The boys have been brilliant today, the made a ‘game club’ in their bedroom, whatever that is…it has kept them busy all day and now Baileys 2 friends have turned up so they are happy, which makes me happy.
      Quite a few gambling thoughts, just little flashes in my head, nothing that makes me want to go, i just think i am being aware of whats happening and stopping it before it starts.
      Anyway, i hope you all had a great day, take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22067
      john6615
      Partecipante

      hi kath life seems pretty good for u at the minute its lovely to read posts where some1s life has turned round so much from the despair of being a cg,hope u have a lovely time at the wedding weel done keep it up aand take carejohnalways look on the bright side

    • #22068
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Kathryn,  It sounds like you are living the "normal" life of a non gambler.  Looking back it’s hard to see us in that "other" life.  I’m hoping by reading your posts you and RG will give me the incentive to walk also. So far it ain’t happening. hee hee  But I am thinking of joining Curves again.  I used to belong but messed up my knee and had to give it up.  You are an inspiration to many Kathryn by how far you have come and I always enjoy your posts to me.  Thank you.  I only hope that the farther away you get from gambling that you continue to come here and post.  Have a great time at the wedding,  I know you will be knock down gorgeous……..Nancy

    • #22069
      paul315
      Partecipante

      Kathryn,
      I am finally getting around to reply to your post to me back on Thursday, August 13, see topic below.  My reply can be found on in my journel page dated today.
      ________________________________________________________________________________________
      Hi Paul,
      "… Your family in France, are you in contact with them?  It seems that you have a lot of loose ends that are playing on your mind and these are obvious triggers in reading your post.  I would like to know a little more about them, have they been to the US since you arrived there, are you planning to divorce? …" 
      ________________________________________________________________________________________
      Best wishes on your journey.
      Be prepared for a long post.
      Larry"Day Two is Still a Day Away" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will not have to relive a Day 2.

    • #22070
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Kathryn, I loved your post on Running Girls thread about the wedding.  I want to go! Wish you could post pictures on this site.  I’d love to see what your sister-in-law chooses to wear…and your family all decked out.  I expect it to be like a fashion shoot. I’m as interested in the wedding as I am with Marilee’s romance!  Keep sharing with us!

    • #22071
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hello my little aussie friend
      Just popping in for a quick hello.
      How exciting all this wedding stuff sounds….(god i LOVE a bit of ‘girlie’ stuff hehe) and i am so so glad to hear you’ve got the brows sorted before we reached the mono stage! Awesome! haha.
      Before i forget, as far as your trip to sydney goes, apparently Newtown is THE place to go for nightlife these days. (sorry, i never made it there to report) but it was recommended by  quite a few. sounds like theres quite a few bars to choose from there. otherwise, if you are in the CBD area, head to darling harbour. Cargo bar is pretty cool. (expect a queue though!)
      Sorry your team lucked out babe…..and damn, us kiwis kicked your butt in the netball again too didn’t we hahaha hahaha (yeah…i know you dont really give a toss, but I enjoyed it LOL) xx
      Ok. enough cheek from me!!! Just checking in while i have a computer with a fully functional dongle (LOL).
      Much love and light to ya babe.
      Meg xxxxxxxx"We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #22072
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,  Hope you have a fabulous time at the wedding.  You can really let you hair down, not have to worry about driving.  Enjoy the day girl because you deserve it.  You’v done so well, fighting those urges.  Gambling is not for any of us good people here on the forum.   None of us need that crap in our lives.  Seems most of us are doing well and keeping the demon at bay.  Well take care Kat.   Danielle

    • #22073
      warrior
      Partecipante

      i grew up with horses so ive allways been around them no fear.mine is getting too fat.she was thin when i got her in june but i got her on alfalfa hay and it seems to  ful of calories so i have to give here less. i dont want a big  fat hippo for ahorse.she does love her r hay i used to give her  grass hay.but here alfalfa cost less and has more nutricion in it.well im not wanting to gamble and just want to get this fibroid problem gone.haveagood time.here to make it one year..and more, lets do it!!!

    • #22074
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I went to work last night, there is a resident there on respite and she is having some personal problems.  She is a beautiful soul and i tried my best to help her, or at least to give her some comfort.  I dont know if i succeeded but i did my best.
      I came home to the boys, Bailey had lost a great big molar tooth that for the last 2 weeks was being pushed sideways into his mouth by the tooth underneath, he finally pulled it, very exciting.  Harry came running out in his jocks telling me he needed 5 dollars as he had cracked his dads toes (dont ask) and hes promised him a fiver.  He wanted to go to the shop and buy a drink.  He is so skinny and scrawny, as white as a sheet, i couldnt stop laughing, so i just took them up to the shop before and he got his wish.
      I went for a big walk this morning with Jode.  Today we took her 2 boys with her, one is 2 1/2, the other is 1 and my goodness are they heavy.  Here we were, the two of us, pushing the pram up these big hills, i was nearly dead when i got home.
      Im just going to potter around the rest of the day, so much for taking the boys to scienceworks, but i will save that for another time. They have had a great break, lots of friends around, visits, shopping, they did ok.
      The only thing that drives me crazy is the movies….my kids watch them over and over, i have to tell you, the Indiana Jones themesong makes me cringe!
      No urges to gamble, i have been reading a lot on here, staying busy and getting ready for Saturday. 
      Take care all, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22075
      john6615
      Partecipante

      hi kathryn thanks for the kind words,you seem to have evry thing under control ,youseem so happy with life now i bet its hard 4 u to look back and remember what u were like when u were gambling,as 4 ur job i bet it puts thing into perspective 4 u as to there is people who dont have a choice with the problems they face ,were as we do have a choice ,take care kathryn keep up the good work fight the good fight x johnalways look on the bright side

    • #22076
      the cowboy
      Partecipante

      Hi K,
      its been a while since I caught up on how you have been getting on and I am pleased to read that the ‘mad house’ is still going strong and that you are keeping well. Its great to see how positive you have kept through-out your journey and I hope that I can continue to be uplifted and insipired to do good things in life…
      You are a true inspiration and a good internet friend to have, I suppose sometimes you do get something bad out of this addiction..
      all the very best

      AlPlayers do not continuously lose… They continuously nearly win!!

    • #22077
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      At present it is 10.41pm.  I am sitting in my lounge listening to my mother in law.  She is snoring…..extremely loudly.
      My day was full on, i went and got all my bits and pieces in town, went and had lunch and came home to a house full.  I dont normally mind, but when im busy i have difficulty coping.  My MIL is very unorganised.  Whereas i am not.  I know every single thing that is happening tomorrow for this wedding, she on the other hand knows nothing and is blaming everyone else for it.  No one cares she says.  Well, im sorry, but i have spent 2 months getting ready for this and im not having you come in the day before whinging. 
      Dames and i have been planning this for a long time, as we dont get out that much and to have a night away is a big thing for us.  She told me tonight she’s coming to the hotel with us….ummmmm, no.  She will be going with her daughter, whose room she has paid for and who she is staying with.  We on the other hand are going in early, having a quiet drink before getting ready to go.  She had been extremely drunk, hence the snoring.  I dont have a lot of time for her when she is like that as i cant deal with her loud, opinionated conversations.  I know im being a b**ch, but i have had this woman stay here for the last 20 years, ive learnt to tune off.
      She complains about the children, they are too noisy, too rowdy, to loud (hmmmm).  She has 4 other children, all with grown children who are not noisy, rowdy or loud.  Why does this make no sense to me.
      Anyway, i just really needed a vent, a rant, a whinge.
      I am so looking forward to tomorrow, all being well we will have a fantastic time, well, im going to anyway.
      I hope you all have a wonderful gamble free weekend.  Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22078
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Hi Kat.. Just popping in to wish you a GREAT time tomorrow.  Please make sure you describe it in detail here.  Curious what your sister is wearing?  And your Mother in law – what a hoot.  Have a nice drink for the rest of us and have great fun………….NancyIf it is to be …….. It’s up to me!Gladness is a choice and attitude is the key to happiness.

    • #22079
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Oooh, I wish I could be a fly on the wall tomorrow.  I want to see how beautiful you look, watch your eyes sparkle as you get to truly enjoy yourself.  Never mind the old bat of a MIL – people who whine all the time don’t get to enjoy one bit of their life.  How sad.  So, get yourself made up, your hair "fascinatored", have a lovely drink with your lovely Dames,and reflect on how far you have come as a woman, a wife, a mother, a friend.  Dance your socks off!

    • #22080
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well, the wedding was amazing, i had a wonderful time.  I felt like a princess in my beautiful dress, and the hairdresser did an unbelieveable job on my hair and makeup, i cant quite believe she curled my hair and then all of a sudden there was a magnificant style on my head! The fascinator was a huge hit, i have to say, i think my hair looked better than the bridesmaids!
      There were a few dramas as always, but the funniest one was when we went back to the bar after the ceremony.  My mother in law and my father in law get on really well, although they have been divorced for over 20 years, they do have 5 children together.  My FIL’s girlfriend has always been jealous that they still get on.  We were sitting at a table, the gf and me and my mil was hugging my fil and having a laugh.  My mil asked my fil if they were going to have a dance at the reception.  The gf, who by this time had a few wines in her screams out, in front of everyone in the bar ‘he’s dancing the bridal waltz with me!’.  I was sooooo embaressed, it was hysterical.  Amazing that they have been together for years and years, and she still is insecure with my mil.  She carried on about my mil all night, at one stage saying she was going to punch her in the nose.  Good grief!
      Anyway, Dames and i had a ball.  We laughed and laughed, danced and drank and had a great time.  The bride was beautiful, her and her new husband were like the only 2 people in the room, it was beautiful.  They did have a dance off though, and i cant believe the moves the bride made in her magnificent dress.
      Our room was lovely, with a bay view and a king size bed.  I love hotel linen, i slept like a baby.  Yesterday we went to my sister in laws for a bbq, the bride was there and we got to catch up with all the family.  It was a great day.  Then i came home and had a big sleep.  So all in all i had a fantastic weekend.  I will try and catch up on everyones threads in the next few days.  i have to work tonight so bear with me people!!!
      I hope you all had a great weekend, i have a few more stories that i will get to later….
      Take care, everyone, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22081
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Sounds like a wonderful time Kathryn!  I bet you looked just beautiful too!If you are heading in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

    • #22082
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  You have the uncanny ability to make me laugh out loud … even on my darkest days.  The boys, who are still awake (had a homework marathon), think their mother has lost her marbles for bellowing with laughter at the screen. 
      Thank you, my friend, for making me Princess Fiona … although I’m rather afraid I’m already at the ogre bit, lol.
      Now, on to the wedding.  What would special events be without a little spicy, family drama.  I cracked up when I read about your FIL’s insecure girlfriend, you MIL’s snoring, etc.  In laws do bring a little comic relief, don’t they?  Sometimes, they’re just an outright pain in the patootie though. Mine are, anyway.  My MIL is the evil twin of Martha Stewart.  Serves the most fabulous gourmet dinners in her well-appointed home, then snips at everyone all weekend because she’s exhausted, or because we haven’t brought "hostess gifts".  Good Lord … who brings hostess gifts when they go to dinner at their parents????  Anyway, that’s a whole other story for another post.  Suffice it to say, this coming weekend is our Thanksgiving long weekend in Canada.  We won’t be going North to visit with the in-laws … just not in the mood for the rollercoaster that is my MIL.  We’ll have our own humble little turkey, with lots of stuffing and cranberry sauce … yum!!!    
      OOOHHH … and don’t forget the candied yams!!!
      Anyway … glad you and Dames had a lovely time (and it sounds like a bit of rekindling going on ).  Good for you.
      Yes … I like the path to enlightenment bit … count me in!!!
      Talk soon.
      RG
      This moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.– 06/10/2009 5:00:03 AM: post edited by runninggirl.

    • #22083
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      HEY AL,
      I see you are posting at the moment and if you happen to come across mine can you please hurry up and start a thread.  As Vera is missed, so are you…where are all the irish going?  Do you have a better offer? Do you know something i dont? Hope all is well, only 2 more sleeps till the little wee one!!!! If you read this, i am sending all my best wishes to you, Deb, Jack and the little angel that is about to enter our world.
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22084
      howanan
      Partecipante

      HI Kathryn,  Your post describing your weekend at the wedding was wonderful.  I just bet you were a complete hit and Dames never left your arm.  You do have some characters for in laws.  Just think Kat, a year ago you would have been looking for a casino after the wedding instead of enjoying that wonderful room with your hubby.  Ahhhhhhhhhhh.  Oh well, now that the wedding is over I hope you will continue to walk.  Hope you have a happy day and thanks so much for writing on my thread.  It means alot to me……..NancyIf it is to be …….. It’s up to me!Gladness is a choice and attitude is the key to happiness.

    • #22085
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn…just had to pop on this morning and read about the wedding.  Not sure what made me think of it, but now I’m going to be late for work!  It sounds SOOOOOOOOO romantic.  I think we all know those family dramas, ours were usually centered around my mother (an alcoholic) and trying to determine whose turn it was to babysit her so that she didn’t pass our with her face in the soup bowl.
      I’m glad you felt so confident about your appearance.  When I went to my reunion, I didn’t put the whole thing together until 10 minutes before I was leaving…I looked in the mirror and thought "good God, I hate this".  You were all prepped and ready to dazzle.  Good on ‘ya girl.
      Always a delight to hear how well you are doing, could you ever have imagined this?  I still have this sense of wonder that there really IS a world waiting for me to join in.  Anyways, must run…ask your FIL if he’ll save the last dance for me!  That ought to start world war three.
       

    • #22086
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Ive had a good last few days.  Took my mum to town shopping on Tuesday and met up with my sister in there, we had a lovely time, mum was gorgeous, she just couldnt believe how many clothes there were in the shops!!!! I had to buy a birthday present for my bestie, she wants a tri-pillow, not very exciting im afraid but i got it for her.  Im going to buy her something special in Sydney when i go next month, im not saying what it is in case she comes on here and reads this post!!!
      Yesterday was a good home day, although i worked last night (had a great shift for a change) i got a lot of cleaning done, and Jode took Harry to a big play gym for the day and then he had a sleepover at her house, so that was nice.  I am getting his kinder photos today, they are so cute, as he has his 2 top teeth missing his big toothless smiles are gorgeous and im really looking forward to seeing them.  Ill have to buy a frame, i have done it for all the kids and every photo, from kinder to school goes in the one frame. Then every year when i get a new photo we get all the other ones out from behind and see how much they have changed.
      I have today off, Harry has kinder at 12 so i have the afternoon to myself.  I have to go and visit mum, and i think i will go and have a look at the local thrift stores and see if theres any bargains.  Tonight i have my night with Jode and im looking forward to that.  Im going to go early so we can go for a walk beforehand. 
      We are currently looking to buy a little car for Brea.  Nothing flash, just something reliable for her for next year with Uni. She’s pretty excited about that, so hopefully we will get something soon. 
      I have to say, yesterday when Jode took Harry my first thought was…gee, if i was gambling i could go now and no one would know.  But i would know.  I came on here instead and had a big read, lazed about and finished the housework.  Its funny to have a life without that constant feeling of dread.  Dont get me wrong, i love it, but it does take some getting used to.  I thank god every day that i am here, that im not gambling.
      Anyway, i think ive rambled enough,
      Have a great day everyone, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22087
      paul315
      Partecipante

      Kathryn,
      Just read your statement to Linda about your being here everyday making a difference, so I thought that I would make use of my daily visit to say Hi. 
      I find that my daily visits here are my greatest help, and that my Daily Pledge is the best reminder that I can have to be diligent in my efforts.  Other then the acknowledgment to my compulsion and my desire to be gambling free that  my Logging-in provides, the help I get from your, and those of other’s, frequent posts is essential to my progress.
      Thanks, and best wishes on your journey.Larry"Day Two is Still a Day Away" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will not have to relive a Day 2.

    • #22088
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      You are doing so good Kathryn! The wedding sounds like it was wonderful. (and entertaining with your FIL’s girlfriend) Keep enjoying your fantastic gamble free life!

    • #22089
      vera
      Partecipante

      Kathryn………..
      Just one word for you,
      Persistence !
       all the sevens

    • #22090
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      My day from  hell…..
      Doesnt karma have a way of catching up with you??? When you do something you shouldnt, the universe always has a way to make you pay…..always.
      So last night i decided to have a look at cars for Brea. We found a ripper, it looked fantastic, had a years warranty, roadworthy, registered for a year, what more could i ask.  Today, i did a bad thing.  I took a sickie. I never take a sickie but we decided to drive to Melbourne to look at the deal of the century.
      The first sign that things werent going well was that Bailey woke up and was unwell and had to stay at home…hmmmm, unwell??? Actually, that was the second sign, the first was that the power went out at 9am. Anyway, we decided to go ahead with the big trip, Damian, Brea, Bailey and myself all jumped in the car and headed off to the big city.
      We got hopelessly lost, even with the gps system, i think the lady inside didnt have a damn clue where she was going and we ended up…i dont even know where.   We finally got to the caryard and the next dodgy thing was that it was out the back, not even in the lot, but we pressed on in hope.  The car looked ok, isnt it amazing what they can do with computers now, not only do they airbrush supermodels, but also cars. Still, with hope in our hearts we went for a drive.  I dont know what was worse, the back of the  boot falling off or the thick black smoke that  engulfed the car as it started.  I had rung the dealer beforehand and checked that it was there, but on arrival he informed us that the roadworthy had not been done yet and that it would be days before it would be ready.
      The big oilslick underneath the car was a worry, the wonky bonnet (hmmmm,,,accident perhaps?)
      Anyway, as im sure you have already realised, we didnt buy the car, but dont worry, mr slicko carsalesman chased us all over the lot trying to sell us anything he had!!!!!
      Moral of this story…..dont take sickies!!!!
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xx
      Fighting the good fight…One day at a time– 9/10/2009 7:45:24 AM: post edited by kathryn.

    • #22091
      female g
      Partecipante

      I don’t know if this was supposed to be humorous but It gave me a chuckle it may be your decriptive use of words from down under SICKIE etc.  At least being the smart woman you are you didn’t get suckered into a car that was a clucker, right on !!!!

    • #22092
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hello Ms K:  First, thank you for all the love and support you sent my way.  I am fine … I refuse to wallow and be depressed for days.  Onward …
      I don’t think you should be the smart-ass donkey.  I’m rewriting the story if you don’t mind.  This version has you as Ariel … from The Little Mermaid.  The producers have decided to make you "part of their world", so they’ve given you the much dreamed about legs and you’re making a guest appearance with Princess Fiona.
      I’m sorry that your day hasn’t gone according to plan.  Poor Brea must be so very disappointed.  I had to laugh about Slick chasing you all over the lot.  Used car salesman … honestly, must they live up to their reputations!!!  Here’s hoping Ms. Brea finds the car of her dreams soon. You just reminded me of another reason I have to stay true to the recovery process. I only have four or five years before my eldest son will want a car.  Hmmmm … better start now … and then university for both … Lordy!!!
      Hope your day has improved markedly and that your weekend is stellar.
      Hugs.
      RGThis moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #22093
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Haaaaaaaaaaaaa – You got us laughing again Kathryn.  Sorry about Brea and the car, but you sound like you had a good time with the family.  I didn’t know they air brushed cars ???????   Have a good weekend… Nancy

    • #22094
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Oh K, such a chuckle I had reading your latest installment.  Life is funny….take a sick day when you aren’t sick, and presto!  you actually get sick (or your kids do).  I used to say that the Bingo Gods knew when I won money – if I won $500, the next day my car would break down and cost $547 to fix.   In the grand scheme of things, you ended up with a story that you can amuse people with at the next cocktail party.  Really?  Does anyone actually have cocktail parties anymore?  Just about peed my pants when you talk about the GPS lady not really knowing what she was doing – when I was on my business trip a few weeks ago, my BF had his car (complete with GPS), and that woman must be the cousin of your woman.  She would tell him to turn right after we had passed the street.  Stupid things.  Of course, if it was a GPS man, he’d never ask for directions and you’d have ended up in New Zealand.
      It’s not karma K, it’s life!  And we’d better get a d$mn good laugh out of it. 

    • #22095
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I have had a frantic weekend at work and i thank goodness its over.  Problem after problem….
      Anyway, the good news, actually the best news is that today i havent gambled for 4 months.  Things are going pretty well in my household, its strange, only 4 months ago i was a total wreck, i have had my fair share of dramas along the way but to say ive got to 4 is wonderful.  If it werent for all you here i dont know where i would be, so as always i will be grateful to each and every one of you!!!! In the grand sceme of things its just another day, i didnt gamble today.  I wake up each day and say those words, and do my best to live each day as it comes, although today was a stretch at work!!! Oh well, tomorrow is a new day, and, its a day off…woo hoo!!!
      I hope you all had a great weekend, take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22096
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hey K
      Woohoo to the big "4". Man that came around quickly! this time last month i was waving my arms around madly ontop of sydney harbour bridge like a crazy woman, in honour of all of us here!! (i think they were glad i was tied on to the bridge LOL).
      You guys have had me in fits talk about the other little madwoman that lives inside GPS units. I say, listen to marilee…. find the unit with the GPS MAN in it and head over to new zealand to see ME! haha. (yes marilee you are so right!!! its not karma, it IS life. and aren’t we so blessed to be able to laugh??! laughing is good for the soul – therefore, kathryn is good soul food for us all!! xxxx)
      Enjoy your day off babe xxxx
      love and light
       "We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #22097
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      FOUR MONTHS!!!!!  Major WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOS!!!!! You’re rocking this thing my friend … I am SO proud of you.  Keep going … I’ve dropped back a bit in the race, but I’m still behind you, trudging with determination.  I’ve posted to you on my thread and will touch base again soon.
      ((((Hugs)))))
      RGThis moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #22098
      vera
      Partecipante

      4 G-FREE MONTHS Kathryn!
      VERY WELL DONE! TAKE A BOW!
      I HOPE THOSE DREAMS NEVER COME TRUE.
      I DON’T KNOW WHICH IS WORSE, WAKENING UP FROM SUCH A DREAM AND REALISING IT’S NOT REAL , OR REALISING YOUR NIGHTMARE HAS TIPPED INTO REALITY……
      DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?
       all the sevens

    • #22099
      soupbone68
      Partecipante

      its people like you that keep me going. just wanted to say congrats on 4 months. 1 1/2 months here. Dont let me catch you. keep it up.

    • #22100
      paul315
      Partecipante

      Originally posted by kathryn

      Hi All,
       …the good news, actually the best news is that today i havent gambled for 4 months.  …
      … In the grand sceme of things its just another day, i didnt gamble today.  I wake up each day and say those words, and do my best to live each day as it comes, …
      Kathryn xx
      Fighting the good fight…One day at a time
      Kathryn,
      You are to be commended of your achievement.  I like the way you phrased your announcement "… the best news is that today i havent gambled for 4 months.  …". You could have merely said, the best news is that i havent gambled for 4 months; but, your acknowledgment that "today" was part of your achievement, alone with your additional comment of "In the grand sceme of things its just another day", speaks well of your understanding of how to stay gambling free.
      I have found this truth to be my strongest defense — our journey must be One Day At A Time.  I also know that when others, such as you, reach a notable milestone, that knowledge of this gives the rest of us encouragement and faith in our own beliefs that we too can reach our goal. Thank you for letting us share in, and benefit from, your good news.
      Best wishes and God’s speed on the continuation of your journey.Larry"Day Two is Still a Day Away" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will not have to relive a Day 2.

    • #22101
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      So today was an ordinary day…till i really sat down and thought about it.  Today i went grocery shopping.  Not a big deal right?  Well, when i think about the shopping i used to do, compared with what i bought today, there is a massive difference. 
      How fantastic to be able to walk down the aisles and grab whatever i wanted.  To not have a list with 10 things on it, and even then to be looking for something cheaper, to be able to buy decent meat, not just mince, mince, mince.  I can do a million things with mince.
      To buy treats for the kids, fruit regardless of the cost, my god it was nice. 
      Who would have thought that something as everyday as grocery shopping could be so uplifting!!! 
      So my ordinary day became something extraordinary, when i really stopped and thought about what i would have  bought only 4 months ago.  The cupboards and the freezer are full.  There is money left in my purse for the week,  4 months ago this would never have happened. 
      Another gamble free day has come and gone for me, i can look at today and be happy.  Now, if only i could decide what im going to eat………
      Have a great day everyone, bye for now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22102
      howanan
      Partecipante

      HI Kathryn… You are an inspiration to others.  Congrats on 4 months and I wish you a lifetime of gamble free months.    Your description of grocery shopping then and now is so true.  Hope you bought youself something good to eat (low cal – nutricious – lol).  ………..NancyIf it is to be …….. It’s up to me!Gladness is a choice and attitude is the key to happiness.

    • #22103
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hello kathryn,  Congrat’s on your four month anniversary.   Your doing so well and seem to be enjoying your gamble free days.  It sure is nice to beable to enjoy buying things of value for yourself and your family.  While gambling, I felt I never deserved to have nice things.  It sure feels good to buy things now and know I am worthy of them.  Your kids and husband must be happy with the new you too.  I’m so glad you have turned your life around.  It is so worth it and you have done it and are an inspiration to all of us here.  Keep up the good work.   Danielle

    • #22104
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Glad you got to have a good experience at the store!  I’ve had those too.  I just spent $250 on part of a Christmas gift for my daughter and it was nice to write a check.  I thought about pulling out the credit card, and thought again, and pulled out the check book instead. No more holding on to money in case I need it for gambling.
      You’ve come a long way in 4 months and you’ve helped a lot of us along the way with your entertaining and caring posts.  Ones of these days I want to watch movies with my bestie and enjoy a sinful desert and enjoy the moment just like you.

    • #22105
      female g
      Partecipante

      well I had a slip not over the top but it still was a slip.  oddley I feel disappointment and encouraged all at the same time.  After reading alot of posts I see I have fallen behind but will pick up the pace once more and do what I set out to do.  I did not gamble today and will not gamble tomorrow. Thanks Kathryn

    • #22106
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Ive started my 4 day break today, which i feel i need.  Im so tired!  Brea and i are going to have a look at some cars today.  She has the day off from school, next week she will be finished all together except for her exams.  She’s doing really well, im so proud of her.
      So my worry about the car hunting is that i know absolutely nothing about cars…except how to drive one and put petrol in! Im terrified we will buy a lemon.  I know what we can afford to spend, how many kms i will get for a 12yo car (which is what we will be looking at) but pop the hood and i havent got a clue.  Im going to try to go in very confident, like i know what im doing.  They are going to see a woman walking in and start rubbing their hands together.
      One thing i can do is bargain.  Damian hates doing stuff like that…he wont even go to the shop if he doesnt have paper money, whereas i will use all the coins in my purse if i have enough.  Im glad he wont be there, if we do find something we will take him in tomorrow and see what he thinks.  I am also going to get some material for our much neglected dining setting.  The chairs are shocking so that will be a weekend project for us, a bit of a re-cover and they will be just like new.  I have to say, i have had some gambling thoughts, imagining walking into the venue, what will i play….then i slap myself and snap out of it.
      Ive been a bit neglectful on the posting…but dont worry, ill be back with a vengance.  I feel a little lost for words at the moment (i know, you dont believe it!) and im not sure why, but i know they will come once i start posting.
      Take care, bye for now, kathryn xxx
       Fighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22107
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,  I think everyone needs alittle break from talking about gambling.  Sorry to read about your gambling thought.  But I have no doubt you have kicked them in the curb.  Have a good day car shopping.  Me, I’d raher be shopping for shoes………………NancyFrame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

    • #22108
      vera
      Partecipante

      Kathryn,
      Can I ask you a question?
      How in God’s name can you afford to buy a car? I can barely afford the petrol!
      (Just had a flash….where will I get the money for the tax and insurance? Don’t even remember when it’s due!)
      As for gambling thoughts. Be careful! If you have money it’s a big temptation. On the other hand when we don’t have money, we think about "earning" some in the casino..No nd to this damn addiction!
      Anyway, you can’t go, youre barred!
       all the sevens

    • #22109
      vera
      Partecipante

      Kathryn,
      Good luck with that little windfall! You deserve every penny of it! The Irish Government wouldn’t give you the steam off their piss! Excuse the vulgarity but we are being raped and plundered in this country. Read what Sulls wrote to my thread today (yesterday) If they did that to me, I’d burn down the bank. 
       I hope you get a lovely car for Brea. She sounds like a really good girl.
      As for my finances, Kathryn, we could remortgage the house, but my husband paid off every penny of that because I wasn’t working all those years so I don’t think it would be fair to him. It would be a huge reduction though!
      I wish I was a psychopath, with no feelings!
      The thought of losing the house would terrify me.I turned stone cold reading about yours…
      You will buy a property again Kathryn. I know it in my bones that the rest of your life will be blessed. Get a mortgage in Brea’s name when she is 21 and you can increase your working hours to pay it off. I’m nearly 20 years older than you, so you have a lot of earning power left by comparison.
      I know you will move mountains yet!
      never say never!
      If you ever gamble again, God help you! I will go to Melbourne and SHAKE you!
       all the sevens

    • #22110
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well…we got the car.  It was amazing, we went to the caryard, Brea saw one she liked (its purple!) and we took it for a drive, it went really well.  I checked all the things Damian told me to and went over it with a fine tooth comb.  It was lovely to drive and did i mention….its purple!!!!! We got it for $3000.  I tried to beat him down but he had already reduced it by a thousand, (so he said) but i did manage to get a full tank of petrol thrown in so i was happy with that.  We will be picking it up by Monday, Brea is very excited, did i tell you…..its purple!!!  Can you tell Brea likes purple…i havent looked at her facebook page yet but im sure there will be something purple in there!!! Isnt it all about the ‘cute’ to a 18yo girl. But i just hope it serves her well and with the rest of the money it will cover insurance and roadside assistance.
      We had a good day, i also got the material for our dining chairs, its the same colour as our couch, well, almost and i think its going to look great. Im having my night with Jode tonight and i cant wait.  My sister rang me and told me she had our tickets for the Oz open tennis next year and she has booked the hotel.  She wont let me pay for that but ive told her that every time i give her the eye when we are there i am paying!!! I know she wont let me, she spoils me rotten.  So its been an exciting day, im looking forward to a quiet one tomorrow.
      I hope you are all having a good day. Im so pleased this car business is over, just pray to the car gods that i havent gone and bought a bomb!
      Take care all, bye for  now, Kathryn xxFighting the good fight…One day at a time

    • #22111
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hiya Kathryn!!!  So lovely to chat to you last night.  Glad to here you have some time off … nothing like a few days to rejuvenate the spirit.  I have to book some time with my best friend soon.  She lives so far away … well ok, an hour away, but I’m always so busy with kids or she’s off flying somewhere for work, so tough to coordinate schedules.  But we’re on the phone with each other every day, gabbing our gums off.
      I have another busy weekend ahead.  My boys fanaggled a sleepover with eight of their "closest friends".  I’ll pick them up on Friday afternoon directly from school,then they’ll all come and hang out at our house until Saturday at noon.  Lovely!!!Only redeeming feature is that they’re now old enough that I just have to make sure there is an unending supply of food and snacks and all is well.  Of course, I still have to supervise teeth brushing and make copious threats about bedtime.  But that’s just a nighttime ritual for me.  There is much excitement about the new ping pong table my husband has put in the basement … and he’s put a tv, and their movies and games down there for them, so I shouldn’t see them at all.  And except for the occasional bellow for a snack refill, I shouldn’t hear all that much from them either!!
      You are most welcome to come and have some pumpkin pie with us at any time.  I’ll make sure I have a huge turkey and all the fixings … and we’ll eat, drink and laugh to our hearts content.  Even better … come for the snow at Xmas and we’ll go skiing (alpine … not the wussie cross country type, lol.)
      Anyway, have a fabulous time off … be good to yourself and stay strong.  (I know you will!!)
      Hugs.
      RG
       This moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #22112
      female g
      Partecipante

      just wanted to wish you well with the new car. oh by the way did you say it was PURPLE lol.  Take those thoughts on gambling turn them into balloons and ***** then all with a pin!!! enjoy re doing the chairs too.  Enjoyed reading your posts. not many other thoughts to share lately too.  Using energy to stay out of the casino is tireing!!! G
       

    • #22113
      paul315
      Partecipante

      Originally posted by kathryn

      Hi All,
       did i tell you…..its purple!!!  Can you tell Brea likes purple…
      … We had a good day, i also got the material for our dining chairs, its the same colour as our couch, well, almost and i think its going to look great. ..
      Fighting the good fight…One day at a time
      I just scanned over your post, didn’t read every word, but, did you say that the material for the chairs was purple ? That is a good color for a car, but I am not sure about a chair!
      It is nice to have a normal life.  A few months ago my first thought upon hearing a story like yours would have been, "What slot machine has that theme?".  Now I am wondering, what color is the fabric and the couch?
       
      Larry

      "Day Two Is Another Day Away" – With the help of a Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, I will not have to relive a Day 2.– 10/16/2009 3:09:44 PM: post edited by paul315.

    • #22114
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn… Wow I am glad you bought Brea a PURPLE    car.  That is also my daughter and grand daughters favorite color.   I remember when I had favorite colors also.    If anyone new here read your thread Kathryn well you a a great testimony to stop gambling.  It sounds like you are really enjoying this life.  After all this IS what life is suppose to be.  Not the insanity………Have a good weekend……….Nancy
      Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’– 10/17/2009 6:30:14 PM: post edited by howanan.

    • #22115
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,  I love the color purple. It’s my favorite…I love to wear it, and my kitchen is all purple.  Just what is it about the color purple…such a vibrant and happy color. I wish your daughter the best with her new car.  There’s nothing like a "first car".  I remember mine was a Mustang.  My Dad handed me the keys ( I still have the photo of the car, with my Dad and me in front of it, and him handing me the keys) and also the loan payment.   After the loan payment was all paid, he handed me back the money, which my husband and me used for our downpayment on our first home.  (we are no longer married though)   I was only 19. 
      Hope you have a wonderful weekend Kathryn.   Your doing great and supporting so many people.  Feel proud of yourself.  Danielle

    • #22116
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well, we went and picked up the ‘purple’ car this morning.  Brea was at work and i drove it down there and picked her up in it.  She is still on her learners permit so Damian and i have to be with her in the car. She will go for her licence in January.  Im glad she will be used to it by the time she is allowed to drive all by herself.  She drove it home and smiled all the way, just gorgeous.
      If i was still gambling there is no way in hell i could have bought it for her.  That smile was all i needed to know that every day i dont gamble makes life worthwhile.
      Last night Brea was looking on ebay for dresses to wear to her validictory dinner next month.  She found one she liked and asked if i could put it on my credit card.  I said that was fine and began to fill it all in.  When i got to the amount, it was $30.  I nearly died, i thought i would be paying at least $100.  Brea then came out to me with the $30.  I told her i was buying her dress and she said ‘you just bought me a car’.  Little does she know that that dress is the bargain of the century, i was more than happy to pay for it!
      Im having a lazy weekend, there is nothing on, which i am grateful for.  Sometimes you just have to do nothing!
      I hope you all have a great weekend, bye for now, Kathryn xxLife is about falling….living is about getting up!

    • #22117
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  Just wondering whether Brea has named the Purple Wonder yet?  I was thinking about it as I was driving to pick up the boys this afternoon and the perfect name popped into my head.  I think she should christen it Petunia .  What do you think?  Or Petal, perhaps.  No … no… I think Petunia!!! (Sometimes I wonder if my brain has turned to mush from lack of work.)
      Anyway, it’s 2:47 a.m. and I’m waiting patiently for the boys to settle down.  I’m feeling quite awful right now, because when I went to pick up the boys and their friends, I packed up all their sleeping bags, knapsacks and one suitcase that one of the friends had brought. Now, I can’t find the suitcase with all his clothes.  I drove back to the school at 1 a.m. to see if I’d left it in the parking lot … to no avail.  Poor thing has to sleep in my boys’ sweatpants and tee.  If it’s not found at school on Monday, I’m going to have to fork out for the lost case and clothes.  I feel so bad for him.  I can’t imagine how I could have lost it.  (Too bloody busy naming Brea’s car, I think, lol!)
      Anyway, I think the moon is in the "husbands gone wild" phase.  My husband had his usual weekly poker game at the local pub.  He came home drunker than a skunk … I am SO NOT amused!!  Of course, he wasn’t falling down drunk, but drunk enough that he had to leave the car at the pub and walk home. I can count on one hand the number of times he has done this in 16 years, but that’s no excuse.  Bad enough he has a standing night with the guys EVERY week, now he thinks it’s ok to come home sloshed while my kids have their friends over???  Not cool!!!!  No-one noticed anything, but I know and that’s enough to put him in the doghouse for a week (at least!!!)
      I was SO mad, and of course, my mind turned to gambling.  If he gets to play poker every Friday, why can’t I go to the casino some Saturdays.  We all know the answer to that one, but there it was … loud and clear.  "You deserve your time away."  Grrrr … warped thinking!!!
      Anyway, onward and upward.  I like your new signature … you need to share it with Vera who is being extraordinarily hard on herself.
      Enjoy your lazy weekend … it is my intention to laze the day away once all the kids are picked up on Saturday afternoon.
      Talk soon.
      RG
       This moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #22118
      marilee
      Partecipante

      The only thing that comes to mind is the "one eyed one horned flying purple people eater".  I’m sure Brea will find just the right name for the new car!  My first car was a bright orange 1970 Volkswagon Beetle, whose name was Manfred.  Don’t remember why, but that was "his" name.  My current car is called "Soupy" because it resembles a soup can on wheels.  There have been many in between, but I won’t ever forget Manfred.  Just as Brea will never forget her first car.  What a lovely mum and dad you are…want to adopt me?  I even come with my own car!
      I was quite touched by your post on the grocery store.  It is those small things that make this journey so worthwhile.  Like you, I bought the cheapest of the cheap, and often not much of that in the gambling years.  I used to panic if my daughter ever said "mom I need to take cupcakes to school" because there wasn’t even $2.00 left over for a mix to make them.  I refuse to live like that again.  But it took time to appreciate that what I HAD was worth more than gambling.  Of course, I was always going to win enough money to buy a bakery! 
      It’s raining buckets today, I’m such a greedy person that I want MORE summer.  Alas, the rubber flip-flops are packed away and won’t see the light of day for six months.    My toes are already screaming in protest. But it’s a good day to stay in, I don’t feel well and so I don’t need to venture out.  Have a wonderful weekend K!

    • #22119
      davlen
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn.
      So pleased for you that your efforts to change your life around and stop gambling are giving you the rewards you deserve. a simple smile from a loved one. when my son or wife smiled when i was gambling i used to feel guilt. i didnt deserve them to be happy. Strange how the mind works whilst gambling. itas all about me me me. now, like you the most rewarding things are free. such as a smile from Brea. keep doing what you are doing, one day at a time, and the smiles will go on for miles! all around the world as your gt buddies share in your success!
      Kind regards Dave 

    • #22120
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      I have had a very ordinary day.  I was flat, tired, sad, angry, upset…i think it may be the hormones! Plus, my computer wouldnt stop freezing, i was getting 10 minutes of internet before it would freeze.  grrrrrr. Not happy.  I have downloaded something that is meant to stop the computer freezing, and so far so good, but i hope i did the right thing, i am so bad with computers, totally illiterate.  Well, it hasnt frozen yet so i think i may be ok.
      I didnt do a lot today, i was spending so much time here, trying to fix it that the day just flew and before i knew it, it was over. So im waking up with a new attitude tomorrow, i did go for a walk with Jode today, so that was something.
      I hope you all had a good weekend, i feel i have done nothing for myself, which may attribute to my mood.  I also think im more than ready for holidays…only a month to go!
      Take care all, bye for now, Kathryn xx
       Life is about falling….living is about getting up!

    • #22121
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn:  Hope you’re feeling sunnier after a good night’s sleep.  Isn’t it funny how we forget to factor ourselves in.  At least you did the walk … that’s a good thing. 
      It’s Sunday afternoon and I’m just getting ready for my grocery shopping expedition.  I have my flyers and my coupons and I’m ready to hit all the deals.  I’m leaving my husband with explicit instructions that he clean the kitchen, the boys have to make up their beds and take all the laundry down to the basement.  Don’t tell anyone … I’ve trained them to believe that grocery shopping is a hardship for me, when in fact I LOVE it!!!  All the lovely deals and I’m out for a few hours.  I usually stop for a latte before I start and then I launch the attack on retailers.  What joy to save so much, how lovely not to have to pay full price for anything!!!
      After the sleepover yesterday, I was an absolute mess.  Got to bed at 3, up at 8 to make a huge breakfast of bacon, pancakes and waffles (for those who didn’t want pancakes) and juice to wash it all down. Then got everyone brushing their teeth, dressing and gathering all their belongings for departure.  They had another four hours of play before pickup.  By 11, they were hungry again, so toasted cinnamon raisin bagels with cream cheese and hot chocolate for all.  By the time they left, they were well and truly stuffed.  It was a challenging sleepover, one foot injury (running down the basement stairs); one fight to referee (between brothers, had to put on my mean Mommy face and chastise the older brother).  That caused the older one to go into a sulk for an hour.  Then I had to put on my nice Mommy face and explain that I wasn’t mad, I just couldn’t allow physical violence in my home. There was the usual cliquish nonsense, disagreements over which movies to watch, endless negotiating on what time bedtime should be (I lost, obviously). After they had left, I cleaned up, and then collapsed into bed with strict instructions not to disturb me under penalty of death.
      Today, it’s been lovely and lazy, made a nice big breakfast again, watched a horror movie with my husband and baby son (Alien vs Predator) … much to my husband’s amusement.  I spent the entire movie with my face covered and my ears closed.  Now, I’m hitting the stores.  When I get back, it’s laundry, studying French with the boys, and dinner.
      No gambling possible today, although I won’t lie … the thoughts are still there.  One day, my friend, one day …
      Take care and have a fabulous day … do something nice for yourself.
      All the best.
      RGThis moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #22122
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      I’m sorry such a sunny person as you is not having a particularly good day!  May tomorrow be better.
      Did Brea come up with a name for her car?  I had a friend in high school with a purplish car and we all called it the grape mobile…my husband said it was because we drank cheap grape wine (and we did).

    • #22123
      p
      Partecipante

      Hey Kathryn
      Good to see you are doing so well.  Do you find it easy now.  I get the impression its pretty smooth sailing for you with the gambling or am i getting it wrong.  Sorry if i am just wondering if you ever face tough times with it still?
      You have done so well and thank you so much for your posts to me.  It makes me feel like i am not alone, i am not doing so great but great in other ways.  So all is not lost.  Thanks for being my friend on here
      P

    • #22124
      female g
      Partecipante

      hey Kathryn how about purple nurple lol.  It takes me back to being in high school.  Just kidding I am sure she would get a good laugh at all these funny ideas. Sounds like a considerate child though and was quite reasonable in the purchase of her dress. She truly appreciates the car you gave her.  good stuff!!! G 

    • #22125
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi everyone,
      Thank you all who posted and cheered me up.  I did feel much better when i woke up this morning, i did have a fight with Bailey though, he told me he hadnt handed in the envelope for his school swimming lessons last friday.  I thought he had given the money away ($35) Until i rang the school to confirm we were giving each other daggers.  I then apologised to him for yelling, and he apologised for yelling back!
      I went and visited mum this morning, she is getting old.  She will be 80 next year and although she had been pretty lucky health wise, her mind is very slowly going somewhere else.  It frightens me, but whatever happens we will deal with it and in reality i dont think we will be dealing with anything for quite some time to come.
      Brea has only 2 days of school left EVER! She is so excited, she has ‘muck up day’ on thursday, you know, where they go and do…im not sure, but there was a list of things sent home that they couldnt do.  The year 12’s then put on a concert for the rest of the school…she is doing Michael Jacksons ‘Thriller’ dance with a heap of other girls.  What great funs she is going to have.  I hope she takes it in because the real world is beckoning her, and even though i know she is going to have a great life, dont we all look back with a little envy of the free spirit of 18yo.. the world is their oyster.   Bailey is having swimming lessons all week, apart from Wed, its a public holiday here for the Geelong Cup, a big racing event, hmmmm, dont think ill be going to that one although im working and get public holiday rates so thats a bonus for me.  We are waiting in anticipation of Harry’s bottom tooth to fall out, he’s already lost the top 2, so if he loses the bottom 2 he is going to have the worst lisp, which will be soooo cute.  Im sure he is petrified its going to fall out and he will swallow it!
      I had a decent night at work tonight, no dramas although im wondering if its a full moon, the dementia residents were going beserk, wandering, fighting, crying, yelling, it just went on and on.  Im glad to be sitting in my nice quiet lounge.  I have tomorrow off, its going to be 28c, our first real warm day.  I am getting up early and stripping all the beds so i can get them washed and on the line…..what else would i be doing except washing!!!
      Anyway, ive rambled enough, im sure as you see by my post i am feeling a lot better.
      I hope you have all had a great day, bye for now, Kathryn xxLife is about falling….living is about getting up!

    • #22126
      danielle
      Partecipante

      Glad your feeling better today Kathryn.  I think we all have those days from time to time.  Family life can be exhausting but what is the alternative…no family.  Myself, I’d rather have my sometimes dysfunctional family.lol!!
      Is Brea going to college in the fall?  She sounds so smart and lovely.   You did a fine job with her Kathryn and must be so proud of her.  Was she a monster at 13?  I ask because my granddaughter has turned into one over the last 6months.  I hope things change as I never remember being that way.  Of course, I had two older sisters that kept me pretty much in line. 
      Your doing great in not gambling.   You seem very determined and I think that’s what it takes.  I feel the same but still get those old urges.   We are all different but basically the same.  We are CG’s.   Danielle

    • #22127
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I had a massive cleaning day today..the warm weather brings out the cleaner in me and i felt great when it was all done.  Tomorrow is a public holiday, no school, so i have the boys home, so im glad i did it all today, i can sleep in in the morning and laze around…no housework, well, not much, theres always something to be done.
      I spent a bit of time with Jodie today which was nice.  She is just about to start her busy time with her cleaning business and she always gets stressed out.  Although this year is different, she has 2 little boys to contend to as well.  No wonder she is stressed.  Once its all underway its fine. Her husband and mine had a big falling out about 2 years ago.  They have only just started talking now, which im really happy about as it means we can spend some time at their place this summer.  They are both as bad as each other!  Jode and i didnt get involved, we decided early on to stay out of it, i wasnt losing her as a friend because our men couldnt get on.  Things were said by both of them that shouldnt have been, to a third party to which he gleefully repeated and i believe he made up quite a bit of it.  Anyway, the third party is no longer welcome at my home.  They say women are bitchy!!!!
      I took Brea for a drive this afternoon, she is getting quite good but i still pull her up on some things.  She has a bit of a lead foot. They are not allowed to go for their licence until they have had 120hrs of practice…thats a lot but we have got about 50hrs down, so we are getting there.  Ill make sure she has them up by January.
      Thats about my day today, i got a lot achieved home wise.  Gambling has been on my mind the last few days, not in the sense that i can go as ill be thrown out, but in that if i hadnt excluded i proboably would have.  Im not sure why…maybe im not being as aware as i should be, ive been a bit down, very short tempered and its my dreaded big week at work.  Well today, i will not gamble!
      Have a great day all, bye for now, Kathryn xxLife is about falling….living is about getting up!

    • #22128
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Well Kathryn,  It sounds like you are having a busy life right now.  Isn’t it wonderful?  Sorry to read about the gambling thoughts but I know you will not act on them.    Thank you so much for your advise and encouragement on my thread.   Have a great day with the boys today………….NancyFrame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

    • #22129
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hey Kathryn:  It’s your delinquent friend in Canada.  Great that you got the spring clean out of the way.  Nothing better than relaxing in a fresh, clean, organized home.  I love my home just after I’ve cleaned it. 
      I’m feeling a bit guilty because I feel that my ridiculous behaviour may be somewhat of a catalyst for your gambling thoughts.  I say this because in the past, when I read of others’ slips, I would use it as an excuse to go and gamble myself.  "They slipped and came back, why don’t I just give it a little try."  I’m not saying this is your thought pattern, but if I’ve contributed to those minor urges in ANY way, I am SO very sorry.
      I’m in the midst of morning rush hour, trying to get kids off to school, but I thought I would just pop in and let you know you’re in my thoughts.  Have a lovely day relaxing with your kids.  Remember:  do something nice for yourself too.  Gambling thoughts come to me when I’m exhausted (as I was after the sleepover) … so it’s important to take care of yourself.
      Hugs.
      RG This moment is all we really have.  Be happy in it.

    • #22130
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hey Kathryn,
      I’m so sorry you were feeling down lately – you don’t deserve it (understatement of the year).
      I wonder if you’re just plain emotionally drained and done in – what with that paternity nightmare.  Maybe it’s a slightly delayed reaction and your brain/nervous system rebelling.
      I take my hat off to you for your honesty about your gambling thoughts lately – and for your reaction to them.
      Remember, that evil alter ego inside who wants you to gamble would laugh its head off if you did give in – and lost money, peace of mind and all that wonderful work you’ve put in.  I guess ‘today I will not gamble’ is all you can do.
      But as you’ve said to me before, those days add up and urges fade into good sense!
      You sound like such a brilliant mother.  To keep on track for your family while you’re going through all this turmoil is incredible.  I hope you give yourself credit for it!!
      I sent a whole shedload of positive vibes to Vera just now, but I’ve always got some in reserve for you….and here they come!!
      All my best Kathryn – I think you’re tops!!
      S.
       

    • #22131
      vera
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn!
      I’m glad Brea is enjoying her new car. This would never have happened if you were still gambling!
      One thing I meant to as you!
      Did hubby ever gamble since?
      You think you have a big week ahead. This weekend, I will be working Saturday and Sunday (end of week) Then Monday and Tuesday!
      One day at a time is the only way I can do that either!
      One of the guys owes me a day and he said " request to work on Tuesday, I’ll request to be off and I’ll pay you back".
      My request was granted. His wasn’t!
      As the say in Russia ……….TUFFSHITSKI!!!!!all the sevens

    • #22132
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn,  Things are better for me today.  But wanted to once again thank you for your support.  Have a great day..NancyFrame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

    • #22133
      linnie44
      Partecipante

      Just wanted to let you know ive been reading your thread all along and am so proud of your transformation. You go girl!
      Hugs *life is good

    • #22134
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well i have not long got home from work and im really tired.  I am going to my sisters tonight for dinner, my neice (her daughter) who was married in march has just come back from her 6 month honeymoon overseas…sigh.  Anyway we are going to catch up so that will be lovely though in reality i would just like to go to bed.  Oh well.
      Gambling has not been a big part of my week, my thoughts have been occupied with other things, i did go for a big of a shop yesterday morning with Jode.  I bought a dinner set, mine does not have 1 pair of matching plates so now i am all matching.  I actually bought 2, i gave one to mum to give to me for christmas! I dont have a lot to report, just getting through my big work week and trying to keep this house up to scratch…i am soooo sick of washing.
      Anyway, i hope you all have a great weekend, my computer is playing up a bit and keeps freezing so i have to try and post quick until i can workout how to fix the damn thing.
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxLife is about falling….living is about getting up!

    • #22135
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hey Kathryn,
      I just wanted to say hi.
      You are doing so incredibly well.  I glanced at the start of this thread: June….and still going strong (and giving so much support and great advice to so many people – including me).
      Brilliant stuff – you should be damned proud of yourself in every way!
      All my best as always,
      S.
       

    • #22136
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Words cannot express how happy i am that my weekend is over.  It was so emotionally draining, i am just starting to relax now.  So on to next week…my dinner at my sisters was lovely, it was great to see my neice, she looks fantastic, and who wouldnt, spending the last 6 months jetting around the world. It was lovely to catch up.
      Damian is cooking me a roast pork dinner tonight, yum. I am looking forward to some family time this week, and it always takes me a couple of days to catch up on the house after my busy week, but it will be nice knowing i have 4 days off after Wed.  I really havent thought too much of gambling this week, its usually when its quiet around here that my thoughts drift off, and i really have been too busy to think about it. 
      I hope you have all enjoyed your weekend, i often think of you all, wondering what you are all doing, take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxLife is about falling….living is about getting up!

    • #22137
      female g
      Partecipante

      love the support too and appreciate your willingness to share your life  with us G

    • #22138
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well today was a little less productive than i would have liked…maybe it was the hour long nap on the couch at 2 o’clock that did it.  I had grand plans of doing my massive basket of washing, its still sitting there, looking at me, saying "i dare you to start"….i did do most of the housework, although we had no water today as they were doing something, and turned it off.  In reality though, my plans didnt really involve water, although i did make sure i was up early for a shower!!!
      I think today was the very first day that i didnt have one thought of gambling.  Its not till right now that i realise i didnt think of it at all, in any capacity, except when i logged on here this morning for a look. Even then i was checking out who posted, so theres a first.
      So at the end of the day i feel i didnt really get much done, which i dont like.  But i did enjoy the nap. I think i will go and do that dreaded ironing now, before tea, before group, because if i dont, it will still be there in the morning giving me the evil eye!!!
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxLife is about falling….living is about getting up!

    • #22139
      velvet
      Moderatore

       
      Hi Kathryn
      I have just logged on before I start doing some course-work and there is not much happening in F&F. It would be great to think it was because there was no longer a need!!
      I too am avoiding the ironing which, in de-‘pressing’ unity with yours, hangs over me like the sword of Damocles – grrrrr. I hope you got yours done. I am staying out of the room where mine is hanging with nasty creased bits that the iron won’t fit into without making more creases!! I think I know why so many materials are formed from ‘man-made’ fibres – if they were woman-made fibres they would never need ironing!
      It is wonderful to read that your thoughts of gambling are decreasing. I know it is vastly different to me but I found with time that I could read the forums and think about the ‘subject’ without ‘my’ experience registering as being about ‘me’. I am under no illusions about the addiction but it is brilliant to read how your mind is now so full of other things that gambling is locked into a recess of your mind that you don’t visit for longer and longer periods. Today you even picked up the post and checked it out without getting to the door at all – terrific.
      Take good care of you – you have made Monday a brighter day for me – even with the ironing.
      Loads of Love as Ever
      Velvet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • #22140
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn,
      You deserve a nap and afew ZZZZZZs!!!
      Speak soon,
      S.
      PS. Those blankets can wait!

    • #22141
      marilee
      Partecipante

      It’s taken me a bit to read up on the last 10 days or so of your life.  You do sound a little worn out, no wonder with all of the things you are doing.  I just wanted you to know that for some strange reason at about 90 – 100 days, I had quite strong urges to gamble too.  Not sure why, as things were generally going well in my life.  So your recent thoughts probably aren’t all that unusual.  Also, make sure you pay attention to your stress level, we have years and years of defaulting to gambling to deal with stress, and only months of trying other things to deal with stress.  Some would say that if you are weakened, the gambling demon can sneak in.  However you want to frame it, you just need to pay attention to your own health. 
      I still don’t know the name of the purple car!  Just reading your post about Brea’s last days at school, and the glorious carefree days of being 18 made me a little nostalgic.  Of course, in life’s funny way, I can now look in the eyes of my boyfriend from those days, and feel carefree again. 
      Take care of yourself, as always, it’s fun to read about the adventures of Kathryn!

    • #22142
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hello my friend
      I was just reading about your day too… (no, by the way – i didn’t get my ironing done either LOL) and i smiled at your comment that you had got through the day without a gambling thought! Wow, thats a milestone. By sharing that;  you continue to inspire, and give hope to others on the same journey.
      Something in your last couple of posts has reminded me of a feeling i have experienced at times on my journey. That feeling when life starts to feel a bit ho-hum or ordinary. Like when i first began counselling (quite a few years ago) for depression and anxiety, and made major inroads to overcoming it, but as i did that i found myself thinking "is this it?"…
      It was like i expected some huge fanfare and fireworks, and some extraordinary new life to suddenly begin. (it is much the same feeling that i have experienced this year in learning to let go of my CG, and live free of his gambling)
      My wonderfully wise counsellor reminded me that the ‘gap’ or ‘hole’ i was feeling, was the space that my anxiety used to occupy (likened to your gambling i guess), and that i should welcome that gap, and not try and fill it in. He also suggested I should ‘embrace the ordinary aspects of life’. Because without the ordinary days we would never recognize the extraordinary ones! And i imagine that without the ordinary days life would be a blur.
      So…I’m glad you had a nap on the couch and didn’t do your ironing. Either way though it sounds like you had a blissfully ordinary day!!!!
      Thought of you when i saw the moon tonight… its only a half moon but incredibly bright! So glad it wont be a full moon for halloween on saturday (god forbid can you imagine how hairy Velvet would be!!!!???? LOL). I’m thinking i’ll dress up as a witch. My kids think i play that role pretty well most days, but might be fun to scare all the other kids in the neighbourhood for a change! HA!
      Take care chook.
      Love and light
      Meg xxxx"We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #22143
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      I have always dreamed of the ho-hum, the ordinary, the ‘normal’…and now i have it, i dont quite know what to do with it.  You are right Meg, i did think that there would be some never ending party going on!  Ive changed my life, ive worked damn hard to do it, so where are those fireworks?  Somehow, ironing just doesnt cut it (although i did get it done, hope that gives you some inspiration V!) Is this what my life was like before i had a gambling addiction?  I dont remember, it was that long ago.  BUT, in saying all that, i have to say that my life is wonderful, i wouldnt go so far as to say peaceful, but im working towards that goal.  Im still not good at stopping and smelling the roses,  i am still in the mindset that something is going to happen, what, i dont know!
      All i can do is not gamble, i need to learn to just let life be life and take the good with the bad.  I am going up to the school today, Bailey is having swimming lessons so we are going to walk up to the pool and watch him.  I used to dread things like that, it took away from my gambling and in a way i still feel that way.  Its almost like in my head im saying, bugger, i have a commitment and id rather be anywhere but there.  Its not that i dont want to go, but i always feel that there is something better just around the corner.  Does that make sense?
      I am working tonight, one more shift and im off for 4 days.  I have a lot to look forward to, my trip with Brea to Sydney, her graduation, my holidays (cant wait for that one!).  
      I am no longer gambling, and im so grateful for that.
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xx Life is about falling….living is about getting up!

    • #22144
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi again!!!
      So i wanted to write and tell you about the trip to the pool.  As usual, nothing is ever easy for me.  Harry and i went to the school, and, of course he wanted to go to the toilet when we arrived so i took him, and as he goes into the toilet all the kids from Baileys class came past.  Now, usually Harry is the quickest toilet goer in the world, but not today….im standing outside the door yelling in like a banchee, and then when he finally comes out what do we do??? We have to RUN to catch up…did i mention i was RUNNING!!!! Hmmmm, for those of you that dont know me very well, i do not ever ever ever run!
      So Harry and i finally catch up to the group, im puffing like an old worn out rhino, trying to look like im not puffing..(did i mention that Baileys teacher is very easy on the eye?) so im trying to look so cool, like my heart is not about to pound out of my chest and i want to collapse on the spot, like i run ALL the time and that 100metre sprint just didnt nearly kill me!!!
      So we get to the pool and Bailey jumps in…god bless him, he spent the whole time waving to me and making sure i was watching him that he barely swam at all.  Now all this happened in an hour or so…what a funny day now that i look back at it, im actually lol right now just reading this back.  The walk home was very easy…no running there!!!
      So there was my trip to the pool, i thought you might find some amusement in it as i did.  If i was gambling, i wouldnt be able to re-tell my tale, and i wouldnt have a happy son, who even though barely swam a stroke, was thrilled that his mum was there to watch him.
      Take care all, bye for now, Kathryn xxLife is about falling….living is about getting up!

    • #22145
      howanan
      Partecipante

      HI Kathryn,  Yes I laughed also.  It seems that life is good for you right now and I am happy for you.  You are working hard to keep it that way.  You know Kathryn, I too have a hard time with commitments.  I never used to but since my gambling days, I don’t like to commit my time to anything.  I haven’t post in a couple of days as the old depression bug hit me and I slipped.  But I am back now and will not let that hurt my recovery.  Have another great day…NancyNothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance.

    • #22146
      marilee
      Partecipante

      Oh, the mental images you give me K!  Wailing like a banshee, and lumbering to catch up to the other kids….not quite sure how you determined Bailey was a quick toilet goer…is there some sort of test you pass in Australia for these things?   Do you hold the toilet goer Olympics?  Are there regular (excuse the pun) toilet goer support groups?  Remedial toilet goer classes?  Are awards given out at the end of the year for the "best dressed toilet goer", the "miss congeniality toilet goer", the "talent winner" toilet goer?
      In Canada, I’ll just get back to more mundane things.  The only thing peculiar about our toilet going habits is that we tend to pee very quickly to avoid being frozen to death!  Have a great day.

    • #22147
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hello you,
      ‘Very easy on the eye’….you’re a married lady!!
      You keep up the great work Kathryn, you’re an inspiration.
      S.

    • #22148
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hey Kathryn,
      Please find below a post I’ve just made in my (very self-indulgent!) diary thread.  But I want to make sure you see this – and understand how much you’ve helped me.  Thank you! S.  PS. I’ve put in in purple type as a tribute to the car!!
      Re: (VERY) Dear Diary
      Well done.  But that could so easily have been a disaster.
      So the Betfilter free trial ended, and suddenly you could get to poker sites.  And you nearly played, didn’t you?  But you didn’t (and immediately bought the 1-year licence and downloaded Betfilter!!).
      So instead of hating yourself in a few hours time, you can congratulate yourself on some great sense and real progress. But if I hadn’t been coming on here and getting inspired and humbled by the incredible efforts people like Marcus, Vera and Kathryn (and so many others) have made for themselves, I would have been back to square one.
      Wow that was close though.  A few hours after posting to others here, I nearly slipped on my backside.  What an insult that would have been to my wife, my friends here – and to myself.
      Now I’ve got betfilter, I know I can’t play that garbage, waste money – and damage myself emotionally.
      That was a huge step forwards. I’m going to tell my Mrs about it later – she deserves to know I’m exercising some will, decent sense and self-respect by protecting myself (and us) in this way.
      I can say no to this online poker garbage – in fact, I’m already doing it.
      S.
      I’m going to put this on threads to Marcus, Vera and Kathryn…so they know how much their support and examples have done for me.
       

    • #22149
      meglee
      Partecipante

      Hi Kathryn
      Like you, i create a visual image of everything that plays in my mind like a wee movie…. so the visual of your trip to swimming had me in fits!!! Especially the part about trying to look cool infront of the easy-on-the eye teacher, while gasping for oxygen. LOL.
      But then marilee’s post about the toilet olympics……!! Hahaha hahaha The visuals on THAT one were even funnier. Thanks for the laugh this morning girls. yes marilee, the aussies are probably all nuts enough to hold such competitions!! hehe. And the award for ‘best banshee-ing mother outside a childs toilet cubicle’ goes to….(drumroll please)………………. KATHRYN!!!!!!
      Have a great day!
      Love and light
      Meg xxxx"We are each of us angels with only one wing…  we can only fly by embracing each other"

    • #22150
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      It is the most magnificent day here today, glorious would be the word i would use…..so i know you have all been waiting to hear the name of the car.  I just asked Brea and she has called it….INDIGO!  Little Indy.  She googled the word purple and she liked that one the best so there you go!
      She is going to get her hair done this morning, and then we are going to take Indy for a drive.  A new Target store has opened up not far from us and we are going to go and have a look after i drop H off at kinder.  Hopefully, i will find myself some summer clothing, my wardrobe is a bit sp****.  I need some T-shirts and 3/4 pants.  Today being payday means i can afford to spend a little, and i am in desperate need.  If that fails, im going in to town with Jode tomorrow for round 2!
      I had a great night at work, i know im mean but the Div 1 i work with came down sick and i got to work with my favourite one so it was a very laid back night.  Im now on a 4 day break, not sure at this stage if im doing anything exciting, although there is a free day at a local aquatic centre on Sunday which i think the boys would love.  Ill just see how the weather goes.
      So theres my report for the day, i hope you all have a wonderful day.
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxLife is about falling….living is about getting up!

    • #22151
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well the shopping trip was a success.  I put one thing in my basket to try on and then i was like a crazy woman, picking up clothes everywhere.  I got 4 tops and 2 bottoms.  So im still going to town today with Jode, we have a few things we need to get and then im all done.
      Brea has her first final exam today…english.  I thing she is pretty prepared, she has been studying very hard so i just know she will do well.  I did tell her though, that at the end of all of this, if she doesnt get the score she needs i know she has done her best and we will look at other avenues.  I put too much pressure on her, because she has never really been in trouble, i guess we expect her to do well all the time and thats not fair.
      In saying that, she is very clever and i would be very surprised if she doesnt get what she needs to get into her university course.  Hmmm, bragging mother…..YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!!!
      No thoughts of gambling, which is nice, theres nothing like shopping to take your mind of it!
      I hope you have a great day all, we are expecting thunderstorms today, i love them, so hopefully it will be when im sitting at home, exhausted and i can enjoy the show!
      Bye for now, Kathryn xx
      Life is about falling….living is about getting up!– 30/10/2009 11:28:09 AM: post edited by kathryn.

    • #22152
      vera
      Partecipante

      Brea sounds like every mothers’ dream daughter Kathryn!
      My son came home last night…
      I won’t even attempt to make comparisons!all the sevens

    • #22153
      videopoker_idiot
      Partecipante

      BRAGG ALL YOU WANT!!!! us addicts have to find sucess where we can get it!!! also now that any education is better than none. I have a BM in Music from the UMKC Conservatory of Music.  As addicts, we know failure, we dont need to spread it. I hope she does well.
       I hope I didnt offend you either.
       VPI

    • #22154
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hey Kathryn,
      Just a very quick post to check in with you.
      I hope you’re feeling good today….and that your daughter’s exams went brilliantly.
      Speak soon,
      Shakey.x.
      PS. I had a brand-new batch of good vibes delivered today, and just dispatched a whole load down under to you!

    • #22155
      velvet
      Moderatore

       
      Hi Kathryn
      Reading about you looking like a rhino and Bailey waving from the pool reminded me of when I tried to look super cool scuba diving off Queensland. The trouble was that I am mildly asthmatic and hearing my breathing getting strained I panicked – not the wisest thing to do. I knew I shouldn’t put my feet down because of the coral and anyway it would cut me to ribbons, so I waved in distress whilst shouting ‘help’ with a mouthful of sea water (which probably sounded more like glub, glub, splutter). My husband, who was on the shore waved back ‘hi’, turned round and walked away. On the third time down I risked the bloodied feet and knees and I won’t repeat what I said as I crawled ashore!!
      Your posts are a joy to read (except the bits where Meg mentions my personal problems at Halloween).     
      I hope Brea does brilliantly with her exams – I’m sure she will with a mother as terrific as you.
      Loads of Love
      V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • #22156
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Hi Kathryn,
      Thanks for posting on my thread and well done on your continued success. I’ve decided I must start posting again after a few months of being a lazy poster, especially after seeing how good you have been!
      Just reading through your thread and its amazing how far you have come since June and I am so glad you are enjoying "normal" life once again. You made me laugh regarding the shopping trip, i’m a bit like that only with man stuff, its like i’m trying to buy anything to make up for lost time. Anyway I hope your daughter does well at her exams and keep up the good work.
      Speak soon
      Carl My soul is back

    • #22157
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Hi All,
      Well, i think Brea did ok in her exams…she came out and said it was fine!  She answered everything, had time to read over her answers and was really happy with what she had written..1 down, 5 to go!
      I had a really lovely day today.  Dames and i took the boys to Kmart, they bought some Leggo, Dames got some stuff and i was very good and didnt buy anything, unless you count  a new pair of kitchen tongs!!
      We came home and lazed about all afternoon, the boys put on a movie and played with their leggo, it was the first time we had taken them out shopping for a while, last time we went i said they were never going again due to their behaviour, but they were angels.  I had a nap, then got up and made dinner.  After cleaning up, there was a big storm coming over, fork lightning everywhere, big claps of thunder, so the boys and i got the patio furniture and set it up  and sat and watched the storm.  They are usually scared so i tried to tell them the little i know about storms and all the made up things i had been told as a child.
      We had a lovely time, they were quite interested in the made up things…the clouds are playing football, that was their favourite.  It was great to spend some real time with them.  I feel very contented today.  I am just about to head to bed but wanted to write of my lovely day before i woke up tomorrow and had forgotten it! I do have a great story about my skinny jean shopping on Friday…but ill save that for later, its a hoot!
      Anyway, happy halloween to all who celebrate it…we hung a skeleton in the window, not much i know, but i had to do something after all the hype!!!!
      Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xx Life is about falling….living is about getting up!

    • #22158
      flowers
      Partecipante

         dear kathryn sounds like life is good for you (good for you)
                       flowers

    • #22159
      howanan
      Partecipante

      Happy Holloween    Nancy
      Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance.
      — 10/31/2009 2:26:04 PM: post edited by howanan.– 11/4/2009 4:21:36 PM: post edited by howanan.

    • #22160
      vera
      Partecipante

      Glad to read about your enjoyable day with the children Kathryn!
      Beats gambling , doesn’t it?
      all the sevens

    • #22161
      kathryn
      Partecipante

      Do you know that feeling…of wanting everyone to leave you alone, of wanting to curl up and sob for an hour?  I have that feeling right now in this very moment…and i have absolutely no idea why.Life is about falling….living is about getting up!

    • #22162
      Anonimo
      Ospite

      Cheer up hun. I don’t have days when I want to sob because I am, ahem, a man and of course we don’t cry but I do have days when I feel like there is a big black cloud hovering above my head making me pi%%ed off,moody and snappy and for absolutely no reason that I can think off. Sometimes I wonder if there are certain traits of a CG that will never leave me or whether certain traits of "me" caused me to become a CG. Whatever the answers remember where you once was and where you are now.
      CheersMy soul is back

    • #22163
      sherry123
      Partecipante

      Kathryn, so sorry you are feeling blue.  Could it be hormones?  Go ahead and sob if you need to.  I’m going through menopause and have had more than my share of mood swings.  I’ve never been a ‘fighter’ or one for confrontaion. I took some things to the pay laundry downtown.  I was getting out of my car and about 5 hispanic men were standing around laughing and I felt if one of them said one thing I could "take them’ all and beat the cr*p out of them.  I must have looked at them like I ‘dared’ them because they looked at each other and moved out of my way. I’ve never had that felling again, thank goodness, but it was totally out of character for me.  (I’ve been taking hormones for a couple of years for that reason…and for the hotflashes.) Go ahead and have your sob and your time to yourself and you will be back to your upbeat happy self soon.

    • #22164