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#31596
maverick.
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Just a quick post as I am in the middle of cooking a sunday roast for me and the family (I do enjoy cooking for the family) I even clean up too!!!!

I got paid Friday (it has been a very long month) and my wages get paid into my wife’s account (at my request), I got my “allowance” for the month (month of May this is) for my petrol, bus fares and other bits and bobs and managed to gamble it all away yesterday like an absolute T……. compulsive gambler, so this month I am totally screwed and I haven’t told my wife and not going to, my wages covered all the bills, the rent, the months food is covered, council tax, water, gas, electric, kids clubs, kids swimming and in truth my wife and children are all sorted and set up for the month (in fairness as any good husband and farther should do every month and most I do!), so this time I messed up yet again but the only person who is going to pay for there actions is me (and so rightly so), I know why I gambled because I was trying to win money to clear the loan shark I am into……I don’t know why I bothered as it always ends the same but yesterday before I placed that first bet I thought long and hard………I nearly walked back out and didn’t make the bet but nearly isn’t good enough and the inevitable happened.

I felt sick and I mean really sick, it was like a utter disappointment with myself, not a self pity issue but a genuine disappointment and upset I had done what I had done.

I have just spent 2 hours helping my boy (9 years old) do his homework, now I like to think of myself as an intelligent man (well not when I make the choice to gamble) but some of the homework they get is really full on and gets my brain working (last week I got……no sorry he got a “great work” comment and 3 stars)

This morning I wasn’t really in the mood and didn’t sleep last night but I sat there to start and watched him copy something and started to write it word for word, I took the paperwork from him and asked him “so what is …..so and so” and he didn’t know, after that we sat together and learnt about what he needed to learn about in a fun way and he then wrote it in a 9 year olds words (exactly how it should be), we had some fun and at the start he wasn’t interested one bit but by the end he was bursting with enthusiasm and was a pleasure to see.

So hence my title and I can’t quiet understand why but I am a massive Jekyll and Hyde………but only when I gamble.

I must get back to the roast as don’t want to mess that up as well, my little girl keeps asking me “is it ready yet” lol, don’t you just love kids.

The only consolation is after losing all my money, I was walking back down the road and popped in the newsagent and brought 2x little £1 egg/little present gifts with the last £2 I had in my pocket and gave them to the kids when I got in, deep down I was proper annoyed with what I had just done but seeing there faces when I gave them there little treat made it slightly easier.

I really do need to sort myself out and get a grip on my life as at times I feel really down but in truth I have to put it all down to the gambling.

All I know is it is going to be another long month, I have just raided my money pots and managed to muster up £9……that has to last me until May 28th!!!!!

One more thing I took my boy and dad fishing yesterday and treated them both, the weather wasn’t great and if I am to be honest I found it very hard work trying to sort everyone out as my boy struggles because of his age and my dad likewise because of his, I think they both enjoyed it so that was the main thing.

I wish each and everyone of you all the very best in your lives and recovery, this addiction is horrendous and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, I can beat it and I will beat it but I haven’t helped myself yet again with what I have done.

Thanks for listening, reading and sharing, take care and hope you all have a good day.

Maverick