[kin]

I would like to work on this new awareness.
It is common knowledge for most of us here.
Vera always say: We are only powerless after we place the first bet.
Alcoholic become powerless after they pick up the first drink
Eating disorder after starting the first bite.

How many times have I lost control of myself after that first use.
I cannot stop placing the next bet, I either I start to binge, or I do not want to walk away.
If that did not happen to me immediately, the answer is not yet.
Every winning has ended up losing. One day I will start to binge again.

We knew what happen to an addict after active self-destructive behaviors.
But what happen in our mind before I place that first bet?
Why are so many recovering addicts with short or long period of abstinent relapse?
What was my problem all these year that I did not know?
We have read about what happen to the brain when it got triggered,
we saw the brain scan chart. Some part of the brain become more active.
We have read about the reward center in the brain, chemicals such as serotonin, dopamine inside.
I am not a doctor, psychologist or medical professional and I do not know the science
but I do know how I feel and how it leads me to gamble.
What was my other blind spots? I don’t know what mental illness that I was suffering from?
I want to know what to do when the same thing happens to me again.

[kin]

Mental obsession is a form of fear that build walls between us and gambling.
It greatly reduces our effectiveness in dealing with the situations.
I experiences an obsession when I try to stop gambling but are overpowered by thoughts of gambling.
The mind, by obsessing, thinks it is taking care of the situation when it is losing strength and peace.

[kin]

An intrusive obsession is a thought of GAMBLING that seems to enter our minds from out of nowhere.
When we are hit by an intrusive obsession, we find ourselves suddenly dropping our plans and responsibilities, and pursuing the gamble that we crave.

[kin]

A reoccurring obsession is a thought of GAMBLING that enters our minds over and over again throughout the day.
Fighting with this thought consumes all of our energy.
We try to remind ourselves of the importance of not gambling, but the gambling thought keeps coming back and seems to grow stronger over time.
If we are able to hold out against the reoccurring obsession, we become exhausted and easily irritated.

[kin]

We experience a circumstantial obsession when we are presented with the opportunity to gamble and cannot think of any good reason not to.
We may give ourselves some silly excuse for gambling. Before we know it, we are gambling again, wondering what happened to our common sense.

[kin]

The fundamental obsession may not be experienced as a thought of gambling, but fundamental obsession can only gets worse. The pain of daily living builds up inside us and we have to vent it.
We experience this obsession as a basic preoccupation with ourselves and how we feel. It is about how we experience the world.
Those of us who have stop gambling for long periods of time without a spiritual solution know the pains of fundamental obsession all too well.
Life is unsatisfying. We are constantly agitated and restless. We have a deep sense that life is treating us unfairly.
We are constantly trying to adjust the circumstances of our lives in an attempt to find some comfort.
No matter what we try, we do not seem to be able to get any peace of mind.
We may have a vague sense that something is wrong with us, but we do not know what it is.
Many of us find that GAMBLING provided us with temporary relief.
We gamble to cope with the pain of fundamental obsession.

[velvet]

Hi Kin
Understanding the dopamine and serotonin helps to explain what happens when an addiction is triggered but doesn’t help if you don’t know why you were triggered in the first place – maybe you need to look at that which you say you do know about yourself -how you feel and how it leads you to gamble.
So Kin, how do you feel and how does it lead you to gamble?
Keep posting Kin. I have so many of your wise words tucked away but sadly words are not enough – they offer guidance and help us to think, which is great but thought doesn’t always translate into action.
Maybe you could work on changing situations, lessening the times when the ‘same thing happens again’. What difference can you make to your life to bring ‘you’ to a different conclusion?
Velvet

[kin]

1. I have reach a stage where gambling is not enjoyable anymore.

2. This illness made me lose the function to execute my free-will.

3. The most severe threat of punishment and heavy consequences has not kept me away from gambling.

4. I am willing to risk losing something very important to me in order to gamble.

5. I have to gamble because the stress of not gambling is too uncomfortable to bear.

6. It has cause me great distress at not being able to control my strong urge to gamble.

7. I have become hopeless and helpless at my inability to control my strong urges to gamble. I would try to quit gambling every time, but then I would relapse, and this cycle would repeat again and again until there was self-hatred.

[kin]

Abstaining from carbohydrates was a blessing in disguise!
I get to feel the same discomfort when I abstain from carbohydrates.
I get to struggle with temptations from food more frequently.
It will trigger urge and craving inside me…sometime it is weak, sometime it is overwhelming strong.
I can made this uncomfortable feeling go away by relapsing.
I have relapse after just 2 days.
I will not die from the uncomfortable feeling of staying abstinent.
I am sure I will find new means and ways to stay abstinent longer.

[kin]

I do not know what to expect
I just wish to update and enjoy this journey.
Cheers!

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin
It’s hard to identify triggers
It’s hard to really notice what it is that drives our gambling .

Fore I know when I feel put down I want a big win to show them all.
I think that is why the straight talking some people feel it is their right to impose upon us all has never worked for me .

I have a nice group of friends on here who give me positive support – that seems to work for me.

Do you have encouragement outside this site ?
Do you have a good support network?
Do you have people who say well done Kin?

I get what you say about giving up carbohydrates being a good distraction from gambling . It gives you a different focus .

Kin you have been doing so well- I hope you continue to believe that you are worth recovery – and you are deserving of a good life .

[Johnny B]

I second the thought of IDI. A simple reward of someone recognizing the effort you are putting forth to stop, and the pain/strength it takes to do it, is very important!
Do not feel bad about yourself because of relapse. Feel good that you recognize the effect it has on you. I personally have thoughts of gambling, all of the time. I think I can control myself and play smart….but then I think of all of the other times where I thought the same thing, and I embarrassed myself, and let my friends and family down. But nothing worse than letting ourselves down.
I have dreamed about winning the lottery, and taking care of my problems with one swoop…but, honestly, there is a part of me that is terrified that I would be one of those stories of someone who “had it all” only to piss it away.
It took me many years to recognize that I only stopped gambling sessions because I ran out of money, and had no other options to get any at that time… and when I was able to get my hands on some, I would gamble again! That is not “normal” behavior, and I know I am not alone on this site.
I enjoy GT because we have all been there.. Your thoughts are my thoughts, and the thoughts of many others. But I think it is important to know that you are not alone in your struggles.
Friends, and family cannot possibly understand, and very simply judge unfairly, they are lucky not to be in a cycle of addiction, and frankly it sucks to be in one. But what can we do? Do we sit here feeling sorry for ourselves, and keep repeating our embarrassing /destructive behavior? Or do we do something about it?…The fact you are here, sharing your thoughts speaks volumes to me that you are trying to do something about it….remember, there is no try without fail, and there is no success without trying!
Stay strong
Johnny B

[kin]

An intrusive obsession is a thought of GAMBLING that seems to enter our minds from out of nowhere.
When we are hit by an intrusive obsession, we find ourselves suddenly dropping our plans and responsibilities, and pursuing the gamble that we crave.
It is day 2 of abstinent from carbohydrate today.
I felt tired tonight and notice a sudden craving for noodle developing at 11pm, it appear out of nowhere. I felt like eating but I am not hungry.
This craving thought felt the same like the one in gambling, I remember allowing myself to gamble.
But tonight I just ignore this thought, it helps me stay abstinent today.

[kin]

Fundamental obsession may not be experienced as a thought of gambling, but fundamental obsession can only gets worse. The pain of daily living builds up inside us and we have to vent it.

We experience this obsession as a basic preoccupation with ourselves and how we feel. It is about how we experience the world.

Those of us who have stop gambling for long periods of time without a spiritual solution know the pains of fundamental obsession all too well.

Life is unsatisfying. We are constantly agitated and restless. We have a deep sense that life is treating us unfairly. We are constantly trying to adjust the circumstances of our lives in an attempt to find some comfort.

No matter what we try, we do not seem to be able to get any peace of mind. We may have a vague sense that something is wrong with us, but we do not know what it is.

Many of us find that GAMBLING provided us with temporary relief. We gamble to cope with the pain of fundamental obsession.

It was day 4 of abstaining from Carbohydrate last night.
I always feel tired from work on Friday. This discomfort triggered me last night, it tells me to eat carbohydrate, it will make me feel good.
The thought tell me to relapse last night and return to recovery on Monday. It was very tempting. The same temptation occurred to me many times in gambling. I may suddenly feel a craving to entertain myself with gambling.
I want to relieve myself from tiredness and free time. I thought gambling can make me feel good, but how many times have I regretted this decision when I lost my money.
I was tired last night, the solution was proper rest. I tried to sleep early but could not fall asleep.
I remember reading about doing something physical such as exercise when I have craving and urge to relapse. I immediately went for a slow jog, I did 3 km in 26 minutes. I perspired a lot.
I wanted to relapse, but I did something different like jogging. It works for me last night. It helps me stay abstinent last night.

[kin]

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ~ Matthew 16:24
It was all about putting down the desire of the flesh.
Abstaining from Carbohydrate and Sugar for health reasons has help me in total abstinent recovery.
I had to deal with temptations, urge and craving more often and regularly with food.
More practice help strengthen and familiarize me with the different ways to stay abstinent in all addictions.

[kin]

After AA meeting at 5 pm today, I have thoughts to eat carbohydrate and even gamble. I have a lot of free time and did not have any plans what to do.
I do not understand why I want to gamble today because I cannot afford to lose, I will suffer a heavy consequence if I lost. Yet I do not care and wanted to gamble. Maybe I just desire to feel good.
I immediately go home and did not entertain these thoughts. I manage to stay abstinent today.

[kin]

We experience a circumstantial obsession when we are presented with the opportunity to gamble and cannot think of any good reason not to.

We may give ourselves some silly excuse for gambling. Before we know it, we are gambling again, wondering what happened to our common sense.

My last attempt to abstain from carbohydrate and sugar ended today after 5 days. I have relapsed.
There are just too many goodies and food lying everywhere at home during the festive season. The temptation was greatest when they are my favorite food.
I also remember binge drinking in my company dinner and dance dinner a few months ago. Event was lengthy, I was bored, alcohol was free. I entertain and keep myself occupied with alcohol. I relapsed. It was the second time I drank over 365 days.
The environment look so harmless and deceivingly safe but it is just too convenient and tempting to relapse, it has proven to be a very dangerous place for me to be in. It was easy for me to relapse in them.

[kin]

What is the difference between testings and temptations found in James Chapter 1?

Testings:
Verses 2-4 (NIV) Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Verse 12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Temptations
Verses 13-15 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

Temptations draw us away from God, causing us ultimately to sin. God will never tempt us, but He will test us.
The difference is this, as David Pawson puts it, “You test people in the hope that they will pass the test, but you tempt them hoping they will fail.”

[kin]

Every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. ~ James 1:14
Lust is a strong emotion or feeling ; intense craving; intense longing; wish, pleasure, delight, eagerness.
Lust is a psychological force producing intense wanting for an object, or circumstance fulfilling the emotion
Entice means to attract or tempt by offering pleasure or advantage:
If I do not have a strong lust, I will not easily be entice and tempted by people, places and thing. The real problem is “me”.
Lust can take any form such as the lust for food, lust for money, lust for love, lust to succeed, lust for good life, lust for good feeling.

[kin]

Why it was harder sometime.
Sometime I only need to deal with inside me. Sometime it was harder because I need to deal with inside and outside me.

Inside Me
My selfish, self-centered and self seeking desires, wishes and intense craving for pleasure and advantage.
Outside Me:
The temptation of some one, some place, some thing offering me pleasure or an advantage such as food, money, gambling, alcohol, sex, love…

This could explain why I relapse more easily when I suffer from circumstantial obsession.

[kin]

Biblical fasting, unlike fasting for medical or health reasons, must be done with an attitude of seriousness and sincerity.
I was strict when I abstain from carbohydrate and sugar.
How serious and desperate am I ?
I was never serious enough to stay abstinent long enough to finish the job.

[kin]

I thought that it was not working and quit after 5 days of abstinent.
I was doing the same thing but not getting the same result as before.

I read an encouraging message not to give up.
It says that my body metabolic has slow down.
I need to stay abstinent from carbohydrate like before but had to exercise more than before to get the same result.
My weight maybe the same now but I do feel my mid body hardening. Recovery did not stand still like I thought.
I can actually see progress, I used to jog non stop for 1km only but now I can jog longer and do 3km.

[kin]

I am having the lowest pay for this job in the market now but I was ask to bring in business which allow me to have the highest pay for the same work in other companies.
All the new changes in the department recently are penalties to a winning team of 25, 5 top performers have left the company this year.
1. If the quality of my work was not perfect, they will deduct my commission.
2. If I did not hit my monthly quota at least 2 times in 3 months for 2 consecutive quarter, I will lose my job.
3. If I did not do well this year, I will not get my 13th month pay.
In good times, good people work hard to help the department head hit his team quota and brought him record high sales success last year.
In bad times, it doesn’t mean the good people did not work hard but the same people are penalized for the department head failure.
The department head made use of naïve and willing young men to get result done at all cost without integrity and moral values, he was quick to praise and approve them to the rest of the team but the moment the same people left the company, he was quick to assassinate their character for wrongdoing.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread. It was helpful to read.
Unfortunately, there are unscrupulous employers everywhere, many in the U.K. now. Are there no employment protection laws where you are? ie sacking would normally involve verbal and written warnings in the U.K. I,personally could not,work for an unscrupulous employer, it,would be a direct clash with my own values and I believe that we need to stand up,and be counted sometimes. We live in very challenging times now and it is about what we can put up with without it conflicting,with our inner compass.
I do read your posts even though I may not post that much. Once we get the inside right, the inside follows. I find I am continually having to,surrender my situation to God without anger or bitterness. This is the challenge.

[kin]

Dear diary,

I stop abstaining from Carbohydrate and ate all the things I should not for a week. By Friday, I saw my weight gain by 3 kg.

I cannot imagine how serious is the consequences if I had continued with this self-destructive behavior. All the effort I have put in the last 3 months and weight loss would have disappear.

I did the inter-mitten fasting and exercise on Saturday. By Sunday, my weight has return to normal.

Good things come slow but bad things can happen very quickly.

I have experience this many times for more than 20 years when I stay stop from gambling from time to time. I would wipeout all the effort and fruits that I receive from not gambling very quickly in a short period of madness.

Life improves very slowly for me when I stop gambling but it is very unforgiving and life turn for the worst very quickly when I return to gambling.

What I have learnt while abstaining from carbohydrate and sugar for short period of times in the last 3 months was the HARD WORK required in recovery;

1. I need to force myself to GIVE UP carbohydrate and sugar when I like to have one

2. I need to force myself to EXERCISE when I don’t like to have one.

3. I need to CHECK my condition and weight myself EVERY DAY.

4. I need to quickly STEP UP my recovery when I see myself SLIPPING away. It didn’t take long to return to normal like nothing have happen.

5. It was not the same for a full-blown relapse when no attempt and effort was made to stop until I hit the rock bottom. It takes years to return to normal.

 

 

 

[kin]

Last year this time, I gamble at the casino. I used the wrong way to find money to provide for my family in the festive month.

I paid a very heavy price for this bad decision because I become impulsive and compulsive in the end and it became payback time for the rest of the year.

I am grateful to be employed this year. I was able to use my limited salary to provide the family and pay for my bills this month.

I am laughing at myself now. I have one last bill to settle for the month. If I bank in $132, I will be left with 4 dollars to last me for the next 11 days.

I am going to take one day at a time now, I plan to use the remaining $136 to cover my living expenses for the next 11 days and postpone my payment to 12 days later. I will be charge a penalty of $75 for this late payment.

I choose not to borrow. I choose to retain the peace and calm, joy and freedom I have.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to accept the things I can change. Wisdom to know the difference.

 

[kin]

Why I relapse. I was Self-righteous:

I was convinced that it is harmless to gamble in contrast with the actions and beliefs of others.

Self-righteous individuals are often intolerant of the opinions and behaviors of others.

Self-righteousness is a feeling or display of moral superiority derived from a sense that one’s beliefs, actions, or affiliations are of greater virtue than those of the average person.

Self-righteous individuals are often thought to exhibit hypocrisy due to the belief that humans are imperfect and can therefore never be infallible.

[kin]

Is it easy to love the loveable?
But if you are able to love the unloveable and when you are able to love the unloveable. “Then the true Christ-like love will be developed in you.”
God has never left me, it was me who forget about God.
If my problem will be like Paul ‘s thorn in the flesh (2nd Corinthian 12:7-10) so that I will cling on to Christ and not let go, so be it. Be it unto me, according to Your will.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin, I hope you are keeping well. If you laid a little of that bill could you maybe negotiate the rest and perhap stops the fee? Sometimes talking to people really helps . $75 is a stiff penalty .

I hope all is good with you . It is great that you have work and can live fairly well.
Keep smiling Kin

[kin]

I thank God for  all the lessons in my life today. Bad things can happen to bad and good people in life, sometime for a very good reason, it was not a punishment. How can it be bad if it help pull me back to God and place me on the right path. What do grateful and thankful people do when bad things happen? They thank God. This is very strange. I used to blame God, my parents, and others for my failure, pain and suffering. Guess I am slowly changing one baby step at a time. Amen!

 

[kin]

Lent is a 40 period prior to Easter Day

Easter, where we celebrate the resurrection of Christ, is preceded by Lent, a season of self-examination, fasting and penance in preparation for our Easter Day observance.

The 40 days of Lent, which precedes Easter is based on two Biblical accounts: the 40 years of wilderness wandering by the Israelites and our Lord’s 40 days in the wilderness at which point He was tempted by Satan.

The goal of every Christian is to leave Lent a stronger and more vital person of faith than when we entered.

We participate in abstinence, times of fasting, confession and acts of mercy to strengthen our faith and devotional disciplines.

Luke 4:2 ²where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry.

Matthew 4:1 ¹Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.

Mark 1:13 ¹³and he was in the wilderness forty days, being tempted by Satan.

Dear diary,

I only realize what I was doing after I have tried it.

When I go abstinent from Carbohydrate and sugar, I was practicing putting down my desire of the flesh every day and I had to experience hunger and temptations very often.

I have found out that this experience makes me a better and stronger person in recovery. It did not made me a perfect person but I was very sure that I am a better person now than before I start practicing abstinence and sacrificing my self-will.

It has make me less impulsive, compulsive, self-centered and self-seeking.

I have experiences a cleansing spiritually and physically that gives me more believe, faith and hope in God and the recovery program.

I have experience the benefits and rewards, I want more of it.

 

[kin]

I was feeling really tired and down for the past few days, it looked like I am suffering from a downward mood swing. This is so common for people with depression, I remember what it was like. I did a reality check of my thought, feeling and emotion and there was no major wrong in my life. I was still grateful and contented. I am thankful about my current situation. I continue to be hopeful. I did not wish for any drastic change to my life, but that didn’t change the way I feel when I wake up. This is recovery in action. I did not turn to alcohol, slot machine, sports punting, sex and “food!!!!!” for self-medication, relief and escape. I choose to rest and wait for this feeling to pass, it will go away eventually. I did not need to do foolish thing to change the way I feel. That was not the case for many years in the past, I feel that it was wrong to feel bad and try to change all that. This kind of situation gave me the perfect excuse to press the panic or self destructive button.

[kin]

Many of us find that GAMBLING provided us with temporary relief. We gamble to cope with the pain of fundamental obsession. I don’t know what I wish to do now. I only know how to eat and gamble, the craving was strong but not enough to press the panic button. I feel kind of bored and would like to have some fun, excitement or laughter. I better go for a jog before I gamble.

[kin]

I tried to survive today. The temptation to ask a girlfriend for sex, borrow to gamble, or abuse food was strong and dangerous just now. I have relapse many times this way. I have just completed 2.8km of slow jogging in 22 minutes, I am still perspiring as I write. I check my thought, feeling and emotion now, the urge to do all the above has disappear.

[i-did-it]

Take the body and the mind will follow .

Exercise is the key to good health and many of us have become so attached to our electronic devices we forget this
.great post Kin

[kin]

It was another wave of attack!

Something was not right with the chemical or hormones in my body and head. I was feeling the urge to do something again!

I knew that I was struggling with a strong urge to do something and this uneasy feeling is not going to go away unless I do something. I become very anxious and consider gambling, alcohol, or food.

This is WAR!!! I was fighting a mental obsession. I was resisting the urge to press the self-destructive button. I was standing still by the road side feeling very anxious telling myself the consequences of acting out.

By the grace of God, I saw a wheelchair bound man heading towards my direction and pass me. He was a God send messenger and life saver to me. My feeling changed immediately after I saw him, I immediately calm down and peace return to me.

I was curious and wonder where is this wheelchair bound person going. It took him so much strength and effort just to push the wheel on the wheelchair to go anywhere. He must have to think very hard before deciding to go anywhere every time.

And here I was struggling to make the decision to go somewhere, I was so UNGRATEFUL. I was not grateful to be able to go anywhere easily.

After I remember to be grateful, I was contented and satisfied to go anywhere or NO WHERE.

Why I must I go somewhere tonight? Why is my urge to go somewhere or anywhere so strong? why am I losing my peace and feeling uneasy?

Why am I not contented, satisfied and peaceful to DO NOTHING!

Thank God! I choose to go to a nearby shopping mall for a walk and do nothing else. When I was feeling satisfied and contented, I just head home.

For many years around February or March and October or November every year, my relapse was always around the corner. It was as predictable as the seasonal big HURRICANE that turn my life upside down. I cannot adapt to drastic change in the weather and temperature very well.

Lately I have been very focus on placing God, and family first before myself that I have forgotten about the seasonal Hurricane in my life that was passing by.

There was progress. I learn to DO NOTHING when the HURRICANE was here, I didn’t abuse gambling, alcohol and food tonight.

I was CONTENDED and SATISFIED to go nowhere and DO NOTHING

Surviving One Day At A Time

[kin]

Dear Sister Monica,

Thank you for sharing your recovery journey with us. You have set a very good example for us to follow.

My health has not been perfect too. I was a physical, mental, emotional, spiritually and financially bankrupt person when I tried to recover from addiction. Reading your story remind me of mine and the many challenges and problem I still faces today. It was tough and so full of imperfection.

Imagine the pain and stress from the physical illness, the long term depressed feeling from the mental and emotional illness, the huge debt and poverty in my life, the impair judgement and poor moral values I had. They are all a constant trigger that threaten me to act out my self-destructive behavior.

They causes me great discomfort to stay stop or total abstinent. You have shown great spiritual strength in pain and suffering. It was so easy to crumble under all these weights and just seek a quick fix, find a relief and escape.

What you have achieve in total abstinent for more than 200 days is awesome!

Thank you for this wonderful and honest testimony, that we cannot do this on our own. Praise God for helping us do what we cannot do for ourselves.

 

[kin]

Dear Dairy,

Another big hurricane has just pass that threaten to turn my life upside down last night. I was suffering from a mental obsession. Anyone suffering from this mental obsession know it was a torture and pain, hmm..just like a thorn in the flesh.

My urge to get rid of this uneasy and distressful feeling was very urgent. Past experiences tell me this feeling was not going to go away, it will only grow stronger unless I do something predictable and familiar such as gambling, alcohol or food. I am not familiar and do not know other more healthy and predictable ways to make this bad feeling go away.

I can become very impatient and unreasonable when this happen. I want a quick and instant solution. I was very anxious to get rid of this distress and torture quickly. I was willing to risk throwing everything away if I could get rid of this tormenting feeling.

Addict like me have incredible short memory. I have forgotten what it was like BEFORE. The CONSEQUENCES of GAMBLING was actually much MORE PAINFUL, there was MORE SUFFERING than the tormenting feeling I had before I press the self-destructive button.

In the relapse mode, I will turn into this forgetful, ungrateful, discontented, dissatisfied, selfish, self-centered, self-seeking and greedy person. I place my own personal interest above everyone and everything else. I only desire to feel good. My top priority was feeding my self-will.

I really believe that it was wrong for me to suffer. I don’t want to feel pain, torment and suffering, discomfort, uneasiness, stress and anxiety. I had to do something to change this bad feeling. It gave me the perfect reason to press the self-destructive button. It was a bad habit.

I am not ready and was not willing to sacrifice myself, I was not willing to suffer this torment at all cost.

I do not have the wisdom, strength, mindfulness, peace, patient and calm to BE STILL and DO NOTHING.

I thought if I do nothing, nothing will change, I will continue to experience this suffering and pain. This is bad.

In reality, every hurricane will pass.

I do not have to panic and turn to gambling, alcohol and food for an escape. Doing nothing, staying calm and be patient is another choice.

I should thank God for all my problems, pain and suffering. WITHOUT these problem, I would not have turn to God for help.  

The wisdom, strength, patient, peace and calm to BE STILL and DO NOTHING does not come from me, it came from a Higher Power and the Higher Power was not me. I can have the knowledge, but it will takes more than that to do it. If I could do it on my own, I would not be here.

What do people do when they face problem in their life. They praise God.

I have stop blaming God, my family, other people, places and things.

Everything has happens for a good reason. My problem has help me to rest on God and walk on faith in recovery.

[kin]

I don’t experience such strong internal trigger every week. The good news is that this one just pass, the next one will not come so soon.

When it does come, the strongest craving and urges come in waves. If the first wave did not knock me down, the second one will try again, like a wave hitting the wall, follow by the next one. I would either become weaker with each wave and relapse or I would remain calm in the center of the storm until the wave dies.

I just check my thought, feeling and emotion. My thought was the same, gambling thought come and go in the head, but it did not trouble me like last night..

It does not affect my feeling and emotion. There was no craving urge to gamble or take alcohol tonight.

[micky]

Hi Kin i like that when you say , every hurricane passes, it’s so true they all do. We ride the storm/ hurricane and move on when it passes. I do not feed the wrong wolf anymore , thank you for that story. 🙂

[kin]

Everything is fine. I don’t have to turn everything upside down. I just need to DO NOTHING and leave everything the way it is.

My thought and feeling is not in line. I am still feeling that everything is not alright.

[kin]

How many times have this happen to me?

When I don’t believe in God, I depended only on myself.

When my faith in God is not strong, sometimes I find it not worthwhile to follow God. My self-will took over.

I thought that I was right when I choose to gamble. I have hope that I can win money to provide for my dependents.

I thought that I was not wrong when I choose to gamble with surplus money since I have paid all my bills and I was not indebted.

The wrath of God gave me a deprave mind, I believe right was wrong and wrong was right.

The truth was mentioned in the bible under verse Roman 1;28

New Living Translation

Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done.

Since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, He gave them up to a depraved mind, to do what should not be done.

[kin]

My self-righteousness was suppressing the truth.

I did many wrong things in this life, if I did not try to change, I will keep doing wrong.

Roman 1:17

In the gospel, the righteousness of God is revealed.

just as it is written:

“The righteous will live by faith.”

[kin]

Romans 1:18
The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness,

What did I learn today?
What did I find interesting?

Does Godlessness talk about people who don’t believe in God, don’t follow God or people full of self-belief, self-righteousness, self-justification and rationalization.

Did the wrath of God gave man a harden mind who think that wrong is right and right is wrong.

I know what it was like suppressing the truth because I didn’t think there was anything wrong in what I did when I gamble for fun, get drunk from alcohol, get high from drug, have sex outside marriage etc.

They say recovery is for people who do not believe in God and for people who believe in God but it does not work for people who think they are God.

In recovery, they talk about giving up self-will and follow God’s will.

[kin]

My judgement was based on my Self-righteousness.

Since my Self-righteousness Is blind, I should not put myself in a situation which require me to decide whether to gamble or not to gamble.

[kin]

Today I learnt that
Gambling is all about False Hope and Hopeless End
Recovery is all about the Truth and Endless Hope!

[kin]

Dear diary, Towards the end, I was learning to consult and trust my mentor fully. It was an important step in my recovery. I admit that I was very self-righteous, and I was the higher power in my life in the past. Today I don’t trust me and my self-will anymore. The goal of my self-will was to feed my selfish desires. My self-will has got me into troubles every time. Ever since I was introduced to a Higher Power in recovery. I start to learn about a power greater than me. I learn to check myself. Is it the light talking to me? Is it the darkness talking to me? Is it my imagination talking to me? I was sad and happy to realize the truth. I was sad because I thought that I was right but it turn out to be something that is out to sabotage me.. for example: trying to do too many things in too little time or doing too much. I was setting myself up for failure, it was threatening to wipeout my recovery. I cannot see all that. I need someone to tell me. I am happy that the Higher Power was right and that Higher Power was not me.

[kin]

Loving God, I know that you Love me, I confess that I have let you down.
Every day I betray You, crucify You. I betray You when I am selfish or unkind.
I misunderstand You when I justify my actions by misquoting Your teaching.
I am truly sorry, and I wait for Your word of love.
Through Christ, my Lord. Amen.

[kin]

I am no pastor, counsellor or 12 steps sponsor but I can understand the temptation and urges that they experience when helping someone of the opposite sex. Everything was fine and I have taken for granted that this place which I have drop in for 13 years. Recently I brought an ex girlfriend to seek help at the same place after she had a fail suicide attempt. She is recovering from depression and fine now. I have done something I never do before in the last 13 years there. I have never ask another recovering person for sex but I asked her, it was a habit I couldn’t resist asking. This is wrong and I plan to stay away from this place for a while. Thought it will be good for both of us in recovery.

[Monica1]

I wanted to reply to your post earlier but didn’t know quite what to say. Sex is a natural urge but is a no no if two people are in recovery or are vulnerable, a boundary we should not cross. One of the things I get from your posts is that I think you feel a lot of guilt for who you are or maybe your actions in the past, as all of us do. But Jesus forgives our transgressions if we believe in him. I think you will get over this and hopefully your friendship will not suffer because of it.

[kin]

14But each one is tempted when by his own EVIL DESIRES he is lured away and enticed.

15Then after desire has conceived, it GIVES BIRTH TO SIN; and when sin is fully grown, it gives birth to death. ( James 1:14-15)

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you encounter TRIAL of many kinds, 3because you know that the TESTING of your FAITH develops PERSERVERANCE.

4Allow perseverance to finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

5If any of you LACKS WISDOM, he should ASK GOD, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

6But he must ASK IN FAITH, without doubting, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

7That man should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.

8He is a DOUBLE-MINDED man, UNSTABLE in all his ways. (Philippians 1:2-8)

[kin]

One of the most difficult thing for me to learn from recovery, life and God was living life on life’s term.

I found out the hard way, I realized and learn how life is full of up and down, good things and bad things can happen to anyone, not only a person doing good, it was a very hard and painful pill to swallow and accept.

It was so easy to be satisfied, contented and thank God when life is smooth sailings, but it takes a lot of strength, courage and wisdom to stay calm, peaceful, thankful in recovery and praise God when bad things happen in our life.

I have learn not to have unrealistic expectations. I have learnt to accept the setback and my mistakes in my life thankfully. It has change me into the person I have become.

If all the bad things that has happen in my life can change me into a better person or help me to find God, it was not such a bad thing after all, right? Of course I feel thankful.

I have pick up the skill to keep my ship sailing after I hit the rocks. I just simply change my direction while I cover up the holes and continue my search for hope and follow the light at the end of the dark tunnel. I choose to continue to believe in God ‘s and the 12 steps recovery promises.

I have taken baby steps forward for 13 years now. I was not a popular or perfect recovery role model  because I have fallen countless times over the years but I am very sure about one thing, I did not fall on the same spot in time because time is always moving ahead.

The worst thing that can happen to me was to stop living practically because “time is always moving ahead but my life was still living in the past.” Many call this depression.

I have survived depression, I have survived slip and relapses of all kind all the times. I choose not to be defeated. Even if I had to walk with a limp, even if I have to crawl to the finish line, I will continue this journey of recovery in life.

Do not belittle the baby steps, they add up over time. You will see the light and find hope one day…just keep going.

I will be telling one big lie if I did not mention this important truth, the problem in my life continue to be there, old ones will disappear, new ones will appear, but the quality of my life, etc. mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially has improves. My relationship with the family was restored, I have more joy and happiness now, my debts has reduced… slowly but surely, I never imagine that I can have a place I call my own so soon, along the way, I have done different jobs but I continue to have work.   

One of the most important thing I have learn in recovery is start the healing immediately, however slow it can be and stop the rotting. Some stop digging the hole sooner, some stop later but you have to stop digging end of the day.

This is the wonder and magic of living one day at a time, or in my case one baby step at a time. 

[kin]

I was feeling very calm peaceful and contented today but it was not like this 3 days ago. It was terrible, I was losing my self-control. I was going crazy and very unstable. I wish to gamble, have sex, consume alcohol and binge eat. I will never be able to understand why this happen?

Is it the chemical or hormones imbalance in my head or body. I dont know why?

I needed to be firm about gambling, alcohol, sex and food otherwise my indecisiveness will made my mind very unstable.

I was really tormented and suffer over the weekend, I was very vulnerable and prone to do wrong on those days but not today.

Isn’t it amazing that the truth of it all was written in the bible more than 2000 years ago. (Philippians 1:5-8)

5If any of you LACKS WISDOM, he should ASK GOD, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

6But he must ASK IN FAITH, without doubting, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

7That man should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.

8He is a DOUBLE-MINDED man, UNSTABLE in all his ways.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin ,

It human to be tempted and it’s human to sometimes give into those temptations . I feel you judge yourself harshly – perhaps because you have more self awareness than many people .

You have also resisted temptation for a huge amount of time and u deserve to give yourself credit for that . It may be baby steps – but it was you Kin who took each of those baby steps and pushed himself to take the next step .

I too am amazed that a book written so long ago can be so relevant today – it also reminds me that if we were already perfect God would not have had to send his only son to make success a huge sacrifice .

I’m not sure why we get urges sometimes – some people are very good at recognising their triggers – and I guess this would make it easier it avoid them

You have done amazingly well Kin and your thread inspires many .

[Monica1]

You ask some very interesting questions. Today after falling ill, I play computer games for hours again and spend a small amount of money. The pain I was experiencing was a trigger. One of the things I know is that all the recovering gamblers I know seem to go through highs and lows. One day can be blissful and calm and the next completely frazzled. i wish I knew what governed these energetic changes and why the6 happen…. I loved your post about clawing to the finish line, and what you have survived. I feel like that too.

[kin]

Psalm 69:6

Everyone is like a pot that carries life. But not everyone carries a presence that blesses others.

Religion tries to force people to follow laws to make them perfect, like pots without cracks. But if a light is put within a flawless pot and then covered, no one can see the light inside the pot.

Perfect pots are not able to reveal internal light to illumine the way for others. God chooses to shine through imperfect, cracked pots. People are blessed when their cracked pot let the light of God shine throughs.

Choose to be a glory filled, cracked pot rather than an empty, pretty vessel.

[kin]

The tenth commandment declares: “Thou shalt not covet…” (Exodus 20:17).

Coveting is desiring what belongs to someone else; it is wanting more than you already have.

To gamble requires seeking prosperity at the expense of others.

The prime motivation for all forms of gambling is to gain what is not ours. That is covetousness.

 According to Colossians 3:5, covetousness is idolatry.

1 Timothy 6:10, “For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”

Proverbs 15:27 The greedy bring ruin to their households, but the one who hates bribes will live.

2 Corinthians 9:8 says that God will see to it that His children will have all sufficiency in all things.

When we gamble, we are in effect saying to the Lord that He cannot or will not keep His promises.

Gambling is not an act of faith; it is a denial of the faith.

It is a denial of the truths of God’s Holy Word.

[kin]

I have become more thankful and positive. I was able to see and continue to seek the endless hope! I do not sink into self pity and beat myself up until I cannot get up so easily nowadays in hopeless end.

Sometime I can still remember to look at all the good things that recovery has given me and not at all the failures and the good things that I did not get and cannot do.

I may stop to adjust and FIND my DIRECTION but I cannot stay stop for too long, once I find the right direction, I need to take action immediately. The goal for every recovering person was the same which was to be FREE from all SELF-DESTRUCTIVE behaviors.

Many people MOVE towards this ultimate goal at a DIFFERENT PACE and some people need MORE HELP than others. There will be some exceptional cases where complete abstinence is not possible, for example some who may need on-going medication to help them with their substance dependence or co-occurring disorders such as depression.

I am doing this to help myself. I needed this more than anyone. I do not need another recovering person to be judgmental and critical of me and I definitely cannot be judgmental and critical of others because I do not know what they has gone through.

Thank God I am alive today!

[kin]

Thoughts, feelings and action

I remember what happen?

Suddenly I was doing what I don’t normally do.  I should not have listen and follow my thought and feeling all the times because sometime it does not reflect the truth.

I was just shock that I can still be impulsive and compulsive, losing my total self control..

It is too late to take a different action plan from my thought and feeling now. I should have stop, take a break, wait and see, think before I acted. 

What was wrong?

How can I think and feel that it was right to do something when it Is wrong or feel that it was wrong when it Is the right thing to do. 

My thoughts and feelings can change and do not always reflect the truth! 

What it was like for me?

After the event, I will be very shock, not because the ending Is always the same. I was very shock at the sudden drastic and extreme change in my thought, feeling and behavior.

Since I was normal in my behavior most of the times, It was simply unbelievable and not unacceptable to be act abnormal one day.

I did not prepare for such a day. I never imagine that I could do such a thing again. I did not adopt a stop, wait and see what is happening before I think and act. 

I become very impatient, and acted impulsively and compulsively. I regret such a shameful, selfish, self-centered and irresponsible behavior. It happen to me every single time.

I have not acted like this for a long time, so I never expected it to happen again. 

I can still be very vulnerable and prone to making the same mistake everyday.   

I thought and felt that I was more stable now. I was more focus, discipline and patient. I was even willing to wait and see…. wait for the right timing or moment and slowly take my baby steps to progress.

Every time without fail, everything will change suddenly one day as my thoughts and feelings changes and affect my decisions.

Suddenly I will become impulsive, compulsive and impatient, I will also lose my peace and calm.

My judgement become very poor and unreliable at this point of time.

I was rushing the decision, I am not able or willing to wait for the right timing and walk away when the situation is not right.,

I have lost all my awareness and mindfulness or consciousness, all the mental boundary and safety net has disappeared. I can still stop to save myself or walk away but I choose not to stop or I could not stop, I started to make mistake or bad decision.

I have become blind to the dangerous situation, I continue repeating the same mistake. I could not see that. I would not be able to accept that I cannot change the situation.

I can still save myself now by walking away at this time but I have become blind, confuse and lost. It is so sad. It was simply shocking and unbelievable, I was suddenly doing what I don’t normally do.

During the self-destructive moments, the self-destruction happens so fast. It may take a long time to rebuild my life each time but it only took a few second to turn everything upside down.

All I could only remember now:

Every single time the outcome was different from my thought and feelings. I should not have listen to my thought and feelings at those moments.  The experience and knowledge that I depended and trusted so much in the past for decision making has become unreliable. It has become useless and unreliable.

I will think and feel that it was right when it is wrong or it was wrong when it Is right.

I should have taken a different action plan from my thought and feeling.

What actually happen?

I was either tired, unwell, stress or the place was very cold.

I didn’t know all these can affect a person concentration and thinking.

[kin]

I felt fatigue, tired, stress and cold.
I was suddenly doing what I don’t normally do. Instead of resting and taking a break, I continue acting out.
These symptoms appear suddenly, I started to act out despite negative consequences or doing harm to myself.
I have lost all my awareness, mindfulness ad consciousness inside and outside my body.
I could not stop this act or walk away.

[kin]

Confusion and delirium
CONFUSION and delirium refer to a disturbance of consciousness.
I was not aware of my environment, I remember feeling very tired and cold, agitated and losing my calm. My THINKING appears CLOUDY and I become SLOW TO RESPOND.
Delusions – false beliefs and hope
DELUSIONS are fixed FALSE BELIEFS that people hold DESPITE strong evidence against those beliefs.
Some delusions are based on a misinterpretation of actual perceptions and experiences.
Disorganized behavior
DiISORGANIZED behavior refers to DOING THINGS THAT I DON’T NORMALLY DO for no apparent reason or to being unable to behave normally.
Mood extremes
MOOD EXTREMES include outbursts of rage, periods of extreme elation (mania) or depression, and, conversely, constant expression of little or no emotion (appearing unresponsive or apathetic).

I could still REMEMBER that it was a wrong doing but I was TOO SLOW TO RESPOND until it become TOO LATE.
Under a NORMAL SITUATION, I would remain safe because I still have a safety boundary in the head but this safety net would disappear, it is all gone once I become mentally unsound and unstable.

[kin]

My experience, training and judgement have serve me well. It has help me many times in my life but not all the time.

I felt so helpless, sad and very unhappy, admitting and writing this truth because it does not help me every time, sometime it does not reflect the truth.

I have used and depended on the same experience, training and judgement to help me made every decision every time but I found out that it was not reliable and dependable.

My thought and feeling affected my decisions. My thoughts and feelings changes and my decision was not the same every times. At the most critical and crucial times in my life. It has failed me!

I have experience many successes that I was proud of today but they have never lasted because of my handicap or illness. It has always end in failure and sadness.

The same experience, training and judgement has made me commit some of the worst sins and mistakes one can imagine.

I have to learn to live with and accept this illness now otherwise I would have been dead a long time ago or I would continue to live in darkness, disappointment, depression, and helplessness. Today I am achieving new things with the limit I have now.

In conclusion, my self-will is not dependable.

I need to surrender and let go completely of my will and depend on God’s will. God’s word was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. The possibilities is unlimited.

I am surviving and living on God, my family’s Grace, Mercy and Forgiveness today. Amen!

[kin]

I do not wish for anyone to go thru all the trial, pain and suffering that I experience.
I only know that I need to march and carry on. I really don’t know where my strength to carry on comes from.
I really don’t know what messages I am carrying and delivering because I was always falling.
After more than 15 years, it has become easier for me to put down my thoughts and feelings in writing here.
I seem to be writing about my many failures and struggles but amidst them all, there are rewards and improvement in my recovery and life.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin, it is good to read that you are recognising your successes and improvements . It might be helpful to write about them. You have come such a long way .

[kin]

Hi I did it,

It doesn’t change the fact that we are still more vulnerable and prone to a full blown relapse than any other normal person, they don’t have a gambling problem.

Nothing changes that fact regardless of how long I have not gamble.

I depended on my experience thought and feeling to help me made decision or judgement every single time. It has fail me many times because they do not alway reflect the truth

My action can change as my thoughts and feelings on the same matter change.

They are not the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Anything that rely and depend on my thought and feeling is not reliable and cannot be trusted because it may not reflect the truth.

[kin]

STOP

Take a LONGER BREAK to look at the current situation

There is NO NEED for immediate action.

Adopt a WAIT AND SEE.

It is NOT TOO LATE to THINK carefully FIRST before I decide LATER

Because I do not have this habit, it has cause me a lot of inconvenience in my relationship, work, debt management and recovery

I have hurt others and myself as a result.

[kin]

The world says love yourself, grab all you can, follow your heart.
Jesus says deny yourself, grab your cross and follow me.~ Mathew 16: 24

(Pastor Francis Chan)

What do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?
~Mathew 16:26

[kin]

Doing the right thing is more important than doing what I think or feel is right.

What I think or feel do not always reflect the truth.

The Truth was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I do not need to change the Truth, I only need to follow the truth and change myself.

[kin]

For the last 18 years, I have been troubled by behavioral issues that I cannot control.
I have consulted doctor more than once to check and was told I am not suffering from any depression, borderline personality disorder, bipolar etc. now.
How do you explain my restlessness, restless spells that alternate with being tiredness and exhaustion, agitation, doing things that I would not normally do, poor memory, calling out or making other sounds after binge drinking.
I really think I was crazy.
This week I have another episode but was able to read about it .
I actually feel relieve knowing all the above are symptom of delirium and not something more serious.
I can work on it from now onward.
It is a physical problem and not a psychological problem.

[kin]

I have altered and change the write up for my convenient reference.

Delirium
Overview
Delirium is a serious disturbance in mental abilities that results in confused thinking and reduced awareness of your environment.
The start of delirium is usually rapid. – this really shock me, because I was focus, discipline and patient for so long, and suddenly, so fast and so unexpectedly, I was doing what I normally do not do,
What is Delirium?
Delirium is a medical word used to describe the condition that causes an unwell person to become confused in his thinking. This is a physical problem, not a psychological one.
What Causes Delirium?
• A physical illness etc flu, fever, encezma, high blood pressure
• Changes in the chemistry of the blood
• Metabolic imbalances
• Dehydration
• Sleep deprivation
• severe emotional distress
• Alcohol or drug abuse or withdrawal
Anyone can become delirious under certain circumstances of illness.
What Are My Signs and Symptoms of Delirium?
I had these symptoms of delirium:
• Being restless and unable to stay still;
• I could not sleep and climb out of bed
• Having restless spells that alternate with being tiredness and exhaustion.
• Changes in alertness
• Changes in feeling (sensation) and perception
• Changes in level of consciousness or awareness of my surrounding
• Changes in movement (for example, may be slow moving or hyperactive)
• Confusion (disorientation)
• Disorganized thinking – I will do things that I would not normally do
• Emotional or personality changes, such as at work, I was irritable and angry. I can even be paranoid and suspicious
• Movements triggered by changes in the nervous system
• Problem concentration
This experience felt like a nightmare or dream but all these happen while I am awake.

Reduced awareness of the environment
This may result in:
• An inability to stay focused on a topic or to switch topics
• Getting stuck on an idea rather than changing plan
• Being easily distracted by unimportant things
• Being withdrawn, with little or no activity or little response to the environment
Poor thinking skills (cognitive impairment)
This may appear as:
• Poor memory, particularly of recent events
• Disorientation, for example, not knowing who you are
Behavior changes
This may include:
• Restlessness, agitation or combative behavior
• Calling out, moaning or making other sounds
• Being quiet and withdrawn — especially in older adults
• Slowed movement or lethargy
• Disturbed sleep habits
• Reversal of night-day sleep-wake cycle

Emotional disturbances
This may appear as:
• Anxiety, fear or paranoia
• Depression
• Irritability or anger
• A sense of feeling elated (euphoria)
• Apathy
• Rapid and unpredictable mood shifts
• Personality changes
Types of delirium
Experts have identified three types of delirium:
• Hyperactive delirium. Probably the most easily recognized type, this may include restlessness (for example, pacing), agitation, rapid mood changes or hallucinations.
• Hypoactive delirium. This may include inactivity or reduced motor activity, sluggishness, abnormal drowsiness or seeming to be in a daze.
• Mixed delirium. This includes both hyperactive and hypoactive symptoms. The person may quickly switch back and forth from hyperactive to hypoactive states.
Delirium and dementia
Dementia and delirium may be particularly difficult to distinguish, and a person may have both. In fact, frequently delirium occurs in people with dementia.
Dementia is the progressive decline of memory and other thinking skills due to the gradual dysfunction and loss of brain cells. The most common cause of dementia is Alzheimer’s disease.
Some differences between the symptoms of delirium and dementia include:
• Onset. The onset of delirium occurs within a short time, while dementia usually begins with relatively minor symptoms that gradually worsen over time.
• Attention. The ability to stay focused or maintain attention is significantly impaired with delirium. A person in the early stages of dementia remains generally alert.
• Fluctuation. The appearance of delirium symptoms can fluctuate significantly and frequently throughout the day. While people with dementia have better and worse times of day, their memory and thinking skills stay at a fairly constant level during the course of a day.
Delirium occurs when the normal sending and receiving of signals in the brain become impaired.
This impairment is most likely caused by a combination of factors that make the brain vulnerable and trigger a malfunction in brain activity.
Prevention
The most successful approach to preventing delirium is to:
• target risk factors that might trigger an episode.
• promoting good sleep habits, helping the person remain calm and well-oriented,
• prevent medical problems or other complications — can help prevent or reduce the severity of delirium.
• Other types of drugs may help calm a person who misinterprets the environment in a way that leads to severe paranoia, fear or hallucinations, and when severe agitation or confusion occurs.

Promote good sleep habits
To promote good sleep habits:
• Provide a calm, quiet environment
• Keep inside lighting appropriate for the time of day
• Plan for uninterrupted periods of sleep at night
Promote calmness and orientation
To help the person remain calm and well-oriented:
• Provide a clock and calendar and refer to them regularly throughout the day
• Keep familiar and favorite objects and pictures around, but avoid a cluttered environment
• Avoid arguments
• Use comfort measures, such as reassuring touch, when appropriate
• Keep noise levels and other distractions to a minimum
• Provide and maintain eyeglasses and hearing aids
Prevent complicating problems
Help prevent medical problems by:
• Giving the person the proper medication on a regular schedule
• Providing plenty of fluids and a healthy diet
• Encouraging regular physical activity
• Getting treatment for potential problems, such as infection or metabolic imbalances, early
What to expect from the doctor
The doctor is likely to ask a number of questions.
These are questions that I can relate to:
• What are the symptoms and when did they begin?
• Is there or was there a recent fever, cough or urinary tract infection?
• Was there a recent head injury or other trauma?
• What were the person’s memory and other thinking skills like before the symptoms started?
• How well did the person perform everyday activities before the onset of symptoms?
• Can he or she usually function independently?
• What other medical conditions have been diagnosed?
• Do you know if the person recently used drugs or alcohol? Does the person have a history of alcohol or drug abuse? Is there any change in the pattern of use, such as increasing or stopping use?
• Has the person recently appeared depressed, extremely sad or withdrawn?
• Has the person indicated that he or she does not feel safe?
• Are there any signs of paranoia?
• Are there any new physical symptoms?

[kin]

1. my mum and the warm weather
2. unexpected bill

I have activated the auto roaming service and incur ridiculously high charges for my phone bill.

The weather is hot tonight. My 88 years old mum wanted to use the fan I was using, of cos the priority goes to her but we have another fan standing next to her. I cannot think, I was just angry.

I took some time out and left home for a cup of coffee at the café. I was angry and gambling thought flashes in my mind.
After I have calm down, something tell me that my mum was like me, she does not know how to use the new fan just like I do not know how to use the auto roaming service.
When I reach home, I just switch on the fan standing next to her and tell her nicely if she need help to switch on the fan, just let anyone of us know.

Thank God, I was able to be kind to my mum instead of wanting to be proven right, I cannot remember doing this on other occasions. I cannot resist proving others wrong and myself right. I can be harsh and unforgiving in my tone when I speak to someone. How many times have my mum and love ones been hurt by me this way.

A few hours ago, I just read the book of romans, yet my sinful nature still think of sinning when I was triggered.

Thank God, I believe and have faith in Christ, my solution is not gambling.
I have incurred a bomb from the auto roaming service, but it was my fault, just accept it and move on with life, it will be something that can be solve over time, everything should be fine.

Charles have also reminded me today that regardless what happen, accept that gambling is no longer an option.

[kin]

It was comforting in the heart knowing I have shown love and not hurt to my love one by the grace of God. I wish I can do this all the times.

How do I measure love and hurt in dollar and cents. I cannot buy that moment.

Many times it was always too late, the damage was done.

I cannot turn back the clock and I cannot repair with money.

[maverick.]

Kin thanks for your posts, prayers and inspirational words, you are a kind soul and God knows it, always wish you well.

Maverick

[kin]

What happen to me in the last 6 days was like a dream.
I wish it didn’t happen but I need to do it. I wish it was not an impulsive and compulsive decision.
I just need to persevere for another 22 weeks in my study.
I do not know what is my future now, I have just resign from my last job. I am going to live on faith and look for a new one.
I really don’t know very well what I am doing, if I do know, then my self-will is still in total control and not the Higher Power.
I am letting go of the steering wheel. There is no safety net below now.

[maverick.]

Kin have faith as I know you do………..just float through the next few days and I just know something will turn up for you I have a really good feeling.

Stay strong and faithfull

Maverick

[kin]

Thank God, I spoke to the customer service officer from the telecommunication company, my auto roaming fee of SGD410 was reduce to SGD29. Phew! because I activated something I did not use.

[kin]

Why wait? Why wait until you have to beg for a chance to change after a heavy sentence. Why don’t you take the chance and change when it was given to you FREE now.

I better resume my exercise and diet, and stop my binge eating, drinking, gambling and surfing the net.

[kin]

Dear Heavenly Father, “I ask two things from you, please do not refuse me:

Please keep deceptions (falsehood) and lies far from me;

Please do not give me poverty or riches, but give me only my daily bread.

Otherwise, I may have too much and forget you and say, ‘Who is the LORD ?’

Or I may become poor and steal, gamble and dishonor your name, God”

Dear God, I need balance in my lives. As I come before You today, I ask that You teach me how to acquire this balance and live my life that are pleasing in Your sight! In Jesus’s almighty name I pray. Amen.

[kin]

I would be lying if I say that I was sinless in recovery
but the good news is I have sin less now.

[kin]

My biggest problem is falling prey to my falsehood and lies. I only listen and follow my self-deceptions;

It has make me think that others are not helping me, resentment against others has develop and grow, it has cause me to resign from my job many times, most importantly it has make me think that I can control the beast of gambling, drinking, and eating. 

What I thought and feel does not reflect the truth.

In the past, I never listen; I only trust myself
I ended up listening to my own lies and self deception.
My ultimate punishment was continued binge gambling, drinking and eating.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin ,
Well done on sorting out that bill- I have recently been charged for things I didn’t understand but 02 were far less helpful . So I am paying for things I don’t have or use . I guess I just have to let it go .

Also well done in taking the time out when you were feeling angry – it’s nice that you were able to understand that your mum struggled with using the new fan – you seem to be thinking things through a lot nowadays and making som really good choices .

Triggers for me were always a sense of feeling put down – sometimes the triggers were even on this site but not recently. Maybe I just see through people a little more nowadays .

When we identify triggers we can deal with them- especially when we learn to control our impulsiveness , just like you did .

keep strong my friend – you are making great progress.

[kin]

Hi I did it, I have been reading and still reading the book of Romans. It has took me one week to finish one chapter. I have attended 8 lectures but I have only finished the homework for the first 3. I am a very slow learner. The heavy reading is affecting my thoughts plus the recent struggle in living life. It has cause me to write a lot of garbage in GT lately to help me let out my frustration and restless energy.

[i-did-it]

Kin I feel you think very deeply and with great insight .
I have never found anything you have written to be garbage – in fact I always take something from your posts .

It sounds like you are procrasinating with your work right now – I am a champion procrastinator – perhaps there is something in the bible to help you with that .

Kin write whatever you feel like writing in any day – this is your thread and if it’s where you are at it is relevant .

Sometimes I write about shopping for makeup ! It might seem completely lightweight but having the money to go and buy it is very relevant to me and is much deeper than just the makeup – it is how I feel when I set off , the conversations with the staff at the makeup counter , the joy of having a nicely presented package , the free trials samples I come home wth . It contrasts starkly to the days when I used anyone’s rubbish make up they no longer wanted and was so glad to have anything to put on my face.

I love to read your thread – never apologise for it.
Now go and get those assignments done !
It might help if you post of your progress after each page ?

[kin]

The most EFFECTIVE and HONEST way in recovery is also the most HUMBLE and HARD WORKING ones. These people put in effort and works hard to stay gamble free everyday especially on a bad day.

It did not happen naturally, it was not a co incident or accident. It was a choice and well informed decision. They have accepted that they cannot gamble anymore.

REGARDLESS of what happen in life

REGARDLESS of HOW MANY THOUGHTS TO GAMBLE APPEAR.

Gambling was not their option, it was not their solution. They made no excuse to gamble.

You want to know my falsehood and lies. Allow me to share with you my lies. I thought and feel that gambling on some day is “OK.” when it was “NOT OK”, it was “NEVER OK.” I have loads of excuses to gamble.

Personally I have struggle to stay honest and humble every day. Some day is not every day. It was better than no day but it was still not every day. This is NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO STAY OUT OF TROUBLE.

I have to learn to be honest by admitting my dishonesty. I have to learn to stay gamble free by admitting I gamble when I do. I had to work hard to keep the gamble free day, this is repeated everyday, one day at a time.

I have to DIE TO LIVE, and SURRENDER TO WIN, Each gamble free day is a celebrated success for an OUT OF CONTROL compulsive problem gambler. This is really simple and nothing to a normal person but everything to us. Our LIFE AND DEATH depends on it. 

Counting days is a commitment. Every little baby steps forward  gives strength, hope, motivation and encouragement to the person.

There are good days and bad days. On a bad day, it is easier and less painful to gamble than to not gamble. it take a lot more commitment, determination, willpower, effort and pain to add one more gamble free day on a tough day .

I really take my hat off and salute everyone doing this now, you are my hero and role model.

[kin]

My Thought: I continue to have gambling thought today. I could not stop the thoughts. 

My Feeling:  It can get very tiring trying to stop the thought but I must not give up trying to stay stop gambling.

My Action:  I did not gamble today.

Running thought are just passing thought, I did not hold on to it. Today was not a bad day, my thought did not keep repeating itself and replay itself like a spoilt tape recorder. It just go away and disappear this time. 

I remember seeing this which does encourages  me today.

Galatians 6:9

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

[kin]

Self-Deception is the action or practice of allowing oneself to believe that a false or invalidated feeling, idea, or situation is true.

My Self-deception, lies and falsehood have cause me into believing that gambling was the right thing to do; an answer and solution to my problem.

Something is wrong with me and my beliefs, because if everyone can make money from gambling, they do not need to work anymore.

My Self-righteousness makes me think and feel that I was different and special, I think that I can make money through gambling.

The truth was gambling brought chaos and destruction into my life EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Galatians 6:3 – If anyone thinks himself to be something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Sometimes people do not want to admit what they are really like, so they deceive themselves into thinking they are better than they are.

1 Corinthians 3:18 – Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you seems to be wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. People often think they are so smart that they fool themselves into believing error.

James 1:22 Do not merely listen to the Word and so deceive yourselves, do what it says.

[kin]

God, family, recovery, work, exercise, diet.

I have lost my focus on my priority and discipline. Once I stop exercising, start to binge eat, stay up late surfing the internet longer than I should, chances is my life beginning to lose control and fall apart.

Matthew 6:31-34 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

[i-did-it]

Kin well done on not gambling .
The urge to gamble is unpredictable and I am so glad you fought it .
I

[kin]

The truth challenges my attempt to make excuses.

The terrifying reality reveals the secrets in my heart.

It will expose my arrogant, willfulness, selfish, greed, self-righteousness, unrepentant, unremorseful, unashame and self-seeking ways.

When I suppress the truth, I was rejecting the truth. I have become stubborn, willful and refuse to repent. I deserve the consequences because I ask for it.

It teaches us to do the right thing even if it is not popular and no one is doing it. It teaches us not to do the wrong thing even if it was popular and everybody is doing it. I have no excuse to gamble.

Thank you God.

[kin]

1. Listening to my own lies and deceit, that it will not end in destruction this time, I will be very careful.

2. It was permissible to do responsible gambling, losing only surplus money without affecting the livelihood of my family. In another words, losing money that I can afford.

3. Desiring for more money that belong to others. I am not harming another person, the money belong to the casino.

4. I need entertainment, it will be a fun and enjoyable past time.

I will think of new reasons all the time so that I can gamble.

Half truth is still a lie. Everyone of them are lies I use to convince myself that it was all right to gamble.

The truth is I can do other thing beside gambling. The truth about gambling is one of destruction, it brings trouble and distress into my life.

Regardless of the situation, gambling is no longer an option, solution or an answer.

[kin]

I have been reading the book of Romans recently.
My group is already at lesson 8 and chapter 5 with another 22 lessons to go, while I just finished lesson 3 and chapter 2. I was very slow in learning but I have thoroughly enjoy this journey and have to admit that it is one of the best thing to happen to me in recent years.

[finding_laura]

We have to stop making excuses. In the cold hard light of day we are addicts thru and thru. Any good reason will do. And in a pinch no good reasons work too.

It is time to stop the digging. How can we enjoy something that brings us such destruction? And not just to ourselves but ripples out to affect everyone around us.

You are right. It is just no longer an option.

Laura

[kin]

You will never get off the wrong path and onto the right one as long as you hope that gambling will somehow lead you to your desired destination.

[kin]

Reject the way you are going and choose an entirely different path. Jesus spoke of the broad road that leads to destruction and the narrow road that leads to life.

Begin by recognizing you are on the wrong path. You are not safe. Your path ends in destruction.
Turn around and face the opposite direction. Repentance is a change of mind, heart and action – you think differently and as a result, act differently.
Conversion means to turn around. You cannot turn around on your own, but God will work as you depend on Him.

[Monica1]

Never a truer word said. In recovery we turn to God and Jesus and enter into a relationship with Him. When we feel lonely and unsupported in life he is our rock. I am learning this daily and deepening my faith and connection with Him. In early recovery I was angry with God, but no more. i am aspiring to unshakeable faith but have a bit of a way to go on that destination.

[kin]

Dear Monica1

Romans reveals God’s perfect solution to save and transform sinners. The Gospel is the good news (Romans 1:2-4). The good news is the power of God to transform lives.

The good news is the power which God uses to save of our soul from gambling and its consequences in everyone who believes.

You only need to believe God. You only need to have faith in God. Gambling is not our solution and answer

[kin]

Dear diary,

I have used wrongdoing many times since young and escape immediate punishment, gambling was just one such habit. I have actually become confuse and lost as a result with more wrongdoings.

Did I think that I can escape punishment and its consequences with my gambling?

I have tried to manipulate circumstances and other people to get what I want so that I could gamble.

Did I use God’s Grace as an excuse to escape punishment and its consequences with more gambling?

God’s promise of faithfulness to Israel despite their lack of faithfulness:

Psalm 89:30-35

“Should his descendants desert my law, and not keep to my rulings, should they violate my statues, and not observe my commandments, then I SHALL PUNISH THEIR OFFENCES WITH THE ROD, THEIR GUILT WITH THE WHIP, but I shall never withdraw from him my faithful love, I shall not belie my constancy, I shall not violate my covenant, I shall not withdraw the word once spoken. I have sworn my holiness, once and for all, never will I break faith with David.”

Psalm 51:3-7:

3 For I am well aware of my offences, my sin is constantly in mind. 4 Against you, you alone, I have sinned, I have done what you see to be wrong..” and Paul quotes this part of verse 4, “that you may show your saving justice when you pass sentence, and your victory may appear when you give judgment, 5 remember, I was born guilty, a sinner from the moment of conception. 6 But you delight in sincerity of heart, and in secret you teach me wisdom. 7 Purify me with hyssop till I am clean, wash me till I am whiter than snow.” Psalm 51:1-7, New Jerusalem (51:3-10 NAB, 50:3-10

[kin]

For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. (Psalm 40:12)

Dear diary,

I saw this scripture today. It described how I felt. I was a lost and confuse person, I didn’t know that loving a person was more important than not harming a person. A Higher Way was reveal to me recently about loving my God, my family and others. 

I have always walk away from people and feel self-righteous about not harming them, I may not have murder these people but I did wish that they disappear from me. I have hurt many people this way with my bad decisions.

[kin]

Most people mess up something good, by looking for something better, just to end up with something worse.

Dear diary,

I has been chasing my falsehood and lies for 33 years only to realize what a big fool I was.

[finding_laura]

It is never too late to open our eyes and start living our life with true meaning. We can still fulfill our purpose.

Laura

[kin]

Do the next right thing! Sometime I struggles, many times in the past, what I think, and feel was the right thing to do turn out to be the wrong thing. 

I cannot see which and what is the next right thing today, I was very unsure about my immediate decision on work and money because there were 2 voices inside me. One says take control of the situation and make my own decision, the other says let go completely, let go of self-will, don’t fall into the trap of self-will run riot.

One was a familiar voice that always ask me to take control of the situation and go ahead to do it, it sounded like the same voice that ask me to go ahead and gamble every single time. I feel safe with this voice, it was familiar, predictable and selfish.

The other voice asks me not to take matter into my hand and trust a Higher Power. There was no safety net or secure feeling at all, I was just relying on my faith, belief and trust in God and the program. frankly I was fearful and afraid.

Which voice is telling the truth? Am I giving myself excuses and justifying my action? Am I being self-righteousness? Am I being lazy and looking for excuses?

A strong voice inside tells me to choose the responsible message. But both sounded responsible, and self-centered to me. I become confused.

One thing was very clear in the first voice, there is No God, I was my own power. In the second one, there may be feeling of uncertainty and fear, but it was all about trusting fully in a Higher Power, and that Higher Power was not me.

I hope I made the right choice.

[finding_laura]

If the selfish voice led you astray before many times, with gambling and other acts of self abuse, then I would suggest you are right not to listen to that voice. Having faith can be very difficult. It means believing in something we can’t see, something we can’t question, something we can’t prove. I hope that your faith is rewarded. Laura

[kin]

The timing was perfect. Almost after writing about my feeling in the last update. I receive an sms message a minute later at 0415am. It’s like the Higher Power heard and answer my prayer.

I check with the person who send out the sms message whether I should report to work on the day because they have left out my name. He forgot about me.

I didn’t plan to go to work on that day and it was not an easy decision, I needed the money but I am not going to disturb or contact them in the early morning hours.

He ask me to report for work. Prasie God.

[kin]

When I was my higher power, there is no God and no person to stop me when I was going out of control.

This has been the story of my life; I have destroyed every relationship, career, business important to me that was carefully nurtured, built and treasured over a long time.

Every incident has hurt me deeply, it was like losing a child I love forever and the person who murder them was me. I cannot bring them back now and it still brought back great pain and disappointment, regret and remorse when I think of them.

Every ending start with an impulse; it was a sudden strong uncontrollable urge to do or say something that was self-destructive.

I have destroyed every relationship, career and other success I had this way.

[kin]

I didn’t want to write about this because it was very personal but this was what I thought and felt yesterday.

I was nothing but I remember the story of Abraham and Isaac, It was a test on obedient and faith. I was not willing to sacrifice my self interest before others but I was glad I did yesterday and experience the same good ending, I didn’t have to suffer any loss being obedient and faithful.

My belief will now grow stronger because “what happen to me yesterday felt unbelievable and was strong evidence.”

After updating my journal, I chose not to report to the working place since I was not call upon. The moment I lie down to continue my sleep, the phone produce a noise from an incoming message.

It was from the company person in charge, it was like he heard my prayer and answer me.

[kin]

Ever since the day I was introduce and encourage by my mentor to seek the Truth in the Bible. I was amaze till this day, to find them written more than 2000 years ago. Praise God.

Jesus asked, “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I say?” (Luke 6:46)

and challenge His disciples: “You must deny yourself and take up your cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)

“Now go and sin no more” (John 8:11)

“See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.” (John 5:14)

[kin]

Dear diary,
I worry a lot everyday lately and was glad to see these messages today.

Four Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Worry – by Rick Warren
“Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” (Matthew 6:25 NIV).

Worry is essentially a control issue. It’s trying to control the uncontrollable. We can’t control the economy, so we worry about the economy. We can’t control our children, so we worry about our children. We can’t control the future, so we worry about the future. But worry never solves anything! It’s stewing without doing.

In his Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gives four reasons why you don’t need to worry.

1. Worry is unreasonable.

Matthew 6:25 says, “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” (NIV).

Jesus is saying that if it’s not going to last, don’t worry about it. To worry about something you can change is foolish. To worry about something you can’t change is useless. Either way, it’s unreasonable to worry.

2. Worry is unnatural.

Jesus gives us an illustration from nature in Matthew 6:26: “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (NIV).

There’s only one thing in all of God’s creation that worries: people. We’re the only things God has created that don’t trust him, and God says this is unnatural.

3. Worry is unhelpful.

It doesn’t change anything. Matthew 6:27 says, “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (NIV). When you worry about a problem, it doesn’t bring you one inch closer to a solution. It’s like sitting in a rocking chair — a lot of activity, energy, and motion, but no progress. Worry doesn’t change anything except you. It makes you miserable!

4. Worry is unnecessary.

Matthew 6:30 says, “If God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won’t he more surely care for you, O men of little faith?” (TLB). If you trust in God, you don’t need to worry. Why? Because he has promised to take care of all your needs: “God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19 NIV).

Does that include bills? Yes. Does that include relational conflicts? Yes. Does that include your dreams and goals and ambitions? Yes. Does that include the health issues you don’t how to handle? Yes. God will meet all your needs in Christ.

Don’t worry about it!

[kin]

Dated 16 April 2018, its day one on the new job. I need to remain gamble free for 365 days to regain the peace and freedom I once had.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin, congratulations on the new jobs- i have just read your post about Abraham and Isaac and amazingly in the background the very same passage is being discussed on my tv!
I think I might have to go and read that passage !

You know you can have that peace every day (you don’t have to wait for 365 days ) . Just read over the passages you discussed and trust in God to provide – he has provided for us all so far despite our many faults .
Once we truly trust in God we have that peace .

Keep posting , keep trusting .

[kin]

Imagine what is going on in the mind of the person

There are just too many reasons not to sacrifice my interest. If given a choice, it would be natural for me to choose one that is comfortable, selfish and greedy. The falsehood and lies in my head is telling me that it was ok to be disobedient and gamble or take alcohol.

My troubles in the past, were mostly all self inflicted. I got into trouble all the times when I choose to listened to me and be disobedient to God. 

I should not have listen to me and be obedient to God.

I cannot escape the wrath, punishment and consequences from my bad choices and decisions. The price is too heavy to pay !

[kin]

Sometimes when I feel like everything is going dark, suffocating, stressful, helpless, lost and confuse again. I feel like I was being buried underground like a dead man.

I was buried underground and felt afraid and fearful. I am scare and cannot see that I was being planted like a seed covered with soil.

I could not see the Truth, That was how a seed grow, when God wants you to grow, he makes you uncomfortable.

Losing weight and going on diet, working out to get fitter and stronger, training to run longer and further. Staying sugar free for a diabetic. Staying gamble and alcohol free for an addict – they are uncomfortable sometime if not all the time.

[kin]

I do not kill and rob; these wrong doing will put me behind bar by law, punishment was guaranteed, it was able to stop me.

[kin]

In the past, I thought it was not the same when I gamble; The consequences is heavy if I lose my self-control and lost heavily, but I have escape these immediate punishment many times because I win in the gamble. The punishment was no guarantee and it cannot stop me from gambling.

Today I read that it was written punishment can be immediate “God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. ” ~ (Romans chapter 1 verse 28)  “32 Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.” (Romans chapter 1verse 32)

28 Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. 29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. 32 Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

[kin]

God will be found righteous when condemning human sin but in confronting human disobedience and sin, God will remain faithful to the saving “words”

It was written in Psalm 89:30-35. “Should his descendants desert my law, and not keep to my rulings, should they violate my statues, and not observe my commandments, then I shall punish their offences with the rod, their guilt with the whip, but I shall never withdraw from him my faithful love, I shall not belie my constancy, I shall not violate my covenant, I shall not withdraw the word once spoken.

10 As it is written: “There is no one righteous, not even one; 11 there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. ~ (Book of Romans 3:10-11)

I dont need to understand and I will never understand but I will have to pay the price for my disobedient when I gamble..

I only know that if the punishment is not now or later, it is not yet but it will come. I will never be able to escape the consequences of gambling.

Today I wanted to gamble but I choose to walk away because I didn’t want to be punish.

Gambling is not a solution or answer to my problem.

[kin]

When the situation change, I would change to adapt to the situation. This is how I survive all my life.

Many time when I stop gambling and there was any changes in my life, my belief can change and suddenly gambling become something acceptable. I do not have a moral compass. 

I cannot trust myself, my thoughts and feelings can change. It was not the same today, yesterday and tomorrow.

I must learn to give up my old ways.

[i-did-it]

Many of us are so lost Kin that we have lost our moral compass. We have lied to ourselves and others for so long we have lost our sense of truth.
Everyday we don’t gamble we regain a little of our own truth – and our moral compass grows – as does our self respect , our love of life and so many other positive things
.
Keep strong Kin, keep questioning and keep on making us think with your insightful posts .

[kin]

My condition has improve but I was still not cured.

I could only accept my health condition and try to do my best with the cards that Life has deal me.

Can I earn forgiveness and mercy by what I do now? There are always people that I have harm who will never forgive me by whatever I do today. What about the love, mercy and forgiveness I continue to get and receive from my family, friends and love one? It was given to me unconditionally. I did not earn them.

What I was trying very hard to do now is what every normal and responsible person is doing all the time. It was nothing special. 

Even that I could not do well all the time, I have my limitation, ordinary thing is proving difficult for me..

As I learn and try to do the right things, I continue to fail. I felt a deep sense of pain and sadness. I still cannot succeed with my own strength.

Suddenly I have a strong feeling that it was wrong of me to think that I am worthy and deserving. I am not running away from my responsibility, I have shown improvement but I still fail overall.

I felt like a terrorist, my family and love ones are my hostages, they are force to accept me, and have nowhere to run

I really hate the feeling of losing control in my finance and everything is slowly falling apart and yet have to continue trying.

It really require a lot of resilience and perserverence to keep on trying

[kin]

I never imagine myself to have this feeling and saying this one day.

Gambling is not my lover anymore. I am very worried about this lover, I am afraid of getting hurt deeply by this ex lover again.

Any of my falsehood and lies was dangerous, any attempt to renew or maintain a platonic friendship with this lover only bring back more pain and turn my life upside down.

Each time takes an awefully long time to recover from the hurt and damage. I do not need this in my life anymore.

[kin]

I am tired of cleaning the same old mess created by me.

[kin]

Am I still a slave of gambling and sins ?

Or

Am I a slave of righteousness?

[kin]

I always thought my biggest problem was my uncontrollable thought about gambling, I didn’t realize it was my eyes.

 What my eyes see can trigger the thought.

[kin]

“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” ~ (Matthew 26:41)

[Onmyway]

Kin Thank you for this thread, I have read it and could relate to you in so many levels. I do appreciate you sharing your journey. I hope to be as self aware as you are . I have just started realizing that I have a gambling problem. I also can relate to the abuse that I have put my physical self through when it comes to temptation with food. I have gained 50 LB since I started gambling. This has been going on for about 4 years. I hate the way I feel when I am broke from gambling. I have not been truthful to my loved ones. Thanks again for your honesty and allowing people like me to know Im not alone.

[finding_laura]

What my eyes see tempt me.  What my ears hear tempt me.  The commercials are every where.  I must turn a blind eye and a deaf ear.  Avoid whenever at all possible. Keep at it Kin.  You can do this.  Each day is a new choice and a new commitment to be gamble free.  Thankyou for helping others.

Laura

[finding_laura]

Welcome to the forum On my way. Have you thought about starting your own thread too? Where you can post your thoughts and journey and others will be able to support you there as well. Take care, Laura

[kin]

This is real. No matter what I do now.

All that I can see is darkness, and everything that I try to do just kick me right back in the face, and I cannot get myself out.

I look at the mess that I am facing right now, I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. My good time didn’t last; Summer didn’t last, and winter have return, day time has gone, and night time has arrived.

Life is hard, and challenging, there are always up and down along this journey. I felt that I could no longer find the strength to face these endless challenges. I have tried to ignore them, numb my feeling but they are still there, I have nowhere to run. The depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other mental health condition has return.

These life challenges is trying to bring me down.

[kin]

I did not want to get out of the house, I do not want to do anything, I am afraid to try anything.

I was afraid to fail more. what if things don’t work out? I am afraid to stretch and push myself, what if it became more painful? I gave up trying and throw in the towel.

Can I ignore this problem?

It will not go away. It will not go away on its own. I will not wake up one day and it will not be there anymore. It is going to be there and haunt me for the rest of my life.

I had to deal with it, the sooner I deal with it, the sooner I overcome it, the sooner I deal with it, the sooner I get on the other side of the problem.

Stop digging the hole further if it is already getting bigger and deeper.

 

[kin]

It is not easy, it is hard changing your life.

Depression, frustration, anxiety, pain, and delusion is just a natural part of the process to become a stronger version of ourselves. It is not only normal, but it is essential and another opportunity that will allow us to change ourselves to function at a higher level.

Line up those problems and confront them, face them, fight them, do not let them bring you down. Do not personally identified with them. See it as winter, winter always lead to spring and summer, see it as night time, night time become day time again.

No matter what we are going through right now, it doesn’t mean that it is not going to end.

I need to stand up, dig in, let those challenges elevate me, the adversity I face today will turn me into a better person tomorrow.

[kin]

Without a Higher Power helping me, I will not be able to stay “gamble free” but having a Higher Power did not make me gamble free, it only gave me the wisdom, strength and motivation I need to stay gamble free.

If I love God, if I love my family, I should not gamble.

I have failed miserably when I was my own Higher Power. I cannot stop gambling on my own free-will because of my sinful, selfish, self-centered and self-seeking nature.

After all these years: What has not change was the fact that I was still the same person who gambled. What has change now was the ability to see that gambling was wrong and no doubt about it.

The responsibility is all mine. The final decision and choice was mine. I had to “try” and stay gamble free everytime regardless of the situation and my feelings.

So which Higher Power do I follow?

me or God, me or the recovery program, me or a recovery person.

I cannot rely on my feelings which can be impulsive and compulsive, My feeling is very inconsistent, it can change and was not the same every time. This is very dangerous, because gambling can be permissible when the situation and my feeling change. However, the Higher Power is always the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Right and wrong is very crystal clear.

Only me want to gamble. Don’t listen to me.

[finding_laura]

Psalm 16:7-8 – “I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

When it comes to whispers from within that tell us to gamble, we should definitely not listen to ourselves.

Stay strong through the darkness.

Laura

[kin]

Thank you Laura

[kin]

Sometime I really need to look outside of me to find someone or some purpose more important and greater than me to do anything.

When I focus on my thought & feeling, I become crippled by my fear and too afraid to do anything.

[kin]

I knew it was wrong to gamble, but where did I find the courage and common sense to do wrong. I knew the consequences, yet I allow it to happen, irregardless of the damage I can do to myself or others in the process.

Maybe it was not courage and it was not foolishness, maybe I was just evil. It arises from bad character or conduct; Immoral, wicked, and corrupted.

[kin]

There is no discipline and control in my life, I do what I want.

I do not practice denying my desires; My desire to do what I like such as binge eating, drinking and gambling and my desire not to do what I don’t like such as exercise and working. I will give up and self-medicate when I experience stress, pain and suffering. It has become a habit and lifestyle that turns my life upside down.

The best time in my recovery happens when I practice some form of restrain in my life.

I practice control and impose a limit on my liking such as eating, drinking and gambling. I eat moderately, stop drinking and gambling completely. I had to perservere and practice doing what I dont like such as exercise and work. I accept, tolerate, and endure the stress, pain and discomfort every day.

[kin]

The life of a recovering person is like walking up an escalator moving downward.

The reality is very unforgiving and cruel. Once I stop climbing, the escalator will bring me down where I started every single time.

How do I know? Cuz I have been doing this for more than 10 years now and nothing I do last. Once I stop climbing, guess what happen next and where I ended up? The story is a familiar one for many and I really do not wish the same thing to happen to anyone.

Everyday we will have many fights in the head. There are so many decisions or choices to be made between doing right and wrong.  

Keep fighting the good fight everyday for life!

[kin]

Never experience this before. Recently I have been recalling my past.

Today I remember breaking rules, being disobedient and rebellious, corrupted and telling lies when I was growing up. I don’t listen to my parents, my school principle and authorities. They always wanted me to work hard, be discipline and have integrity.

I always get scolded and trick into doing the right thing. I wished I could do wrong without the scolding and getting caught, I took the opportunity when they come.

What is wrong in doing something fun – at that time, I didn’t know it was morally wrong.

I chose the easy and lazy way, taking short cut and getting the same desirable result with lesser time and effort. – I thought this was smart, i didnt know this is corrupted and dishonest.

I only knew that I was disobeying a Higher Power and breaking the rule, I never break the law. I did not think it was serious, I cannot see that I was dishonest, corrupted and a cheat.

I can still remain honest and acceptable by everyone and the society if I was not caught. I am still righteous in their eyes. I feel very much in control.

I didn’t know that I will have to pay a very heavy price in later life.

Now I realize that breaking rules when young may turn to breaking the law in adulthood. It has become a natural, instinctive, and uncontrollable, habitual thing for me to do..

God is just, fair and righteous. Praise God. I deserve my punishments. 

I am trying to change. I feel very disappointed, painful and sad when I see myself breaking my promise and losing control. I didn’t want that to happen anymore.

[finding_laura]

some of us I believe have minds that lend themselves well to discipline and structure and rules. Others I think have minds that lend themselves well to compulsion and addiction and indulgence. A harder cross to bear in today’s world I fear where there is such abundance we can truly overdose ourselves. It is a hard thing for one to control on their own. You do want to change your behavior. You have made many changes over the past ten years. Sometimes we fall down. But if you pick yourself up and try once again to practice a rounded and less self indulgent life you will find it feels more natural each time. Because you have practiced it before.
I am sorry for the pain and disappointment you feel. I know you can find some balance in your life. Not strict regimens but guidelines. Not written in stone diets but healthy natural foods. You were born with the mind you have. Don’t try making it fit into a mold. Find ways that work with the way it works. I hope you can make some peace with yourself Kin. You can do this. Laura

[kin]

One of the worst thing that can happen to me was isolating myself out of fear and one of the best thing that can happen to me was doing something physical out in the open near mother nature.

[finding_laura]

Mother nature is a healing balm to my soul. I love the beach and ocean. My favorite form of healing and connecting with my higher power. Especially on a day when it is empty of people. Only the waves crashing and the gulls crying. We have been given a feast for our eyes. It is up to us to enjoy it.
Laura

[kin]

There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything, including her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked her, “Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?” The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too, and refused to marry him.

Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying: “Just take care of my eyes dear.”

This is how human brain changes when the status changed.

Only few remember what life was before. How many times did I gamble again after life have change?

This is very dangerous to me, because when my thoughts and feelings change, gambling must not become permissable. It is wrong and should not happen.

[finding_laura]

It was very dangerous for me too. Tempted back to it for too long. Risked it all again, the important things. That is a very thought evoking story. Thanks for sharing here where we can learn with you. I hope you win this recent tussle with your self! You can be a CG in recovery again.
Laura

[kin]

I have watched the TV program on’98 World cup final, and I can still remember what I was doing and the people I was with on that day. I was still living the high life.

I also clean my room today and I came across some document from 2009. I was shock at what I discover. It show me how sick I was at that time. My life was so unmanageable.

Move forward to May 2018, I cannot change what has happen in the last 20 years, it was history now.

Whatever I do now with the limited resources and time I have will change and  made a difference in the next 10 years or 20 years compare to nothing done.

[finding_laura]

Our steps, our choices, lead us down a path. Next good step, next right choice and the path will define itself. They will add up to a good rest of your life. We can’t change the past but we can take steps to make sure our future isn’t the same. My prayers are with you. Laura

[kin]

Perfect love casts out all fear ~ 1John 4:18

Now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is Love ~ 1 Corinthians 13:13

(Luke 10;25-27)
25 One day a lawyer stood up to test Him. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?” 26 “What is written in the Law? “

Jesus replied, “How do you read it?”

27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ and ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’

‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

Dear diary,

If you love your God and your family, they will give you the strength to stay abstinent. It was never my strength, my determination and my willpower. This is a power greater than me. This Higher Power is not me. 

[kin]

A parable is a short story that teaches a moral or spiritual lesson by comparing it to something from everyday life. Jesus loved to tell a good story to make a point.
“Love your neighbor as yourself” was part of the Old Testament Law (Leviticus 19:18)
But, many people thought a “neighbor” meant only their fellow Jews. One day a lawyer asked Jesus, “And just who is my neighbor?”
Jesus told the Parable of The Good Samaritan to answer his question in a way we can never forget:
A Jewish man was taking a trip alone and was attacked by robbers. They beat him, robbed him of everything he had, and left him nearly dead beside the road.
After a while, a Jewish priest came along and saw the poor man lying beside the road. As a religious man, you would expect him to stop and do what he could to help. But, instead, he kept going and pretended he did not see.
Later, a Levite came along. Levites were assistants to the priests, so you would expect him to stop and help, too. But, he did just like the priest and kept on going.
Finally, a Samaritan man came by. Even though they both lived in the land of Palestine and shared a similar religion, the Jews and the Samaritans definitely did not think of each other as “neighbors.” In fact, they hated each other.
The Samaritans came from a different race of people than the Jews. They had considered each other enemies for hundreds of years and refused to even talk to each other!
You would expect the Samaritan man to be the one who just passed by without helping. Instead, this Samaritan man took pity on the injured Jewish man. He bandaged his wounds. He put him on his own donkey and took him to an inn where he could be safe and recover. Since the injured man had been robbed of everything he had, the Samaritan man even paid his bill at the inn and paid the innkeeper to take good care of him!
After telling this story, Jesus turned to the lawyer who had asked, “And who is my neighbor?” and said to him, “Now which of the three men that passed by was a neighbor to the injured man?”
The lawyer was forced to admit that it was the Samaritan who treated the injured man as a neighbor, not his fellow Jews who did nothing to help. Jesus then said, “Yes, now go and do the same!”

[kin]

Before I knew Christ, I cannot tell apart what is right and wrong in my life, I cannot separate the bad from the good.

As long as I get what I want in the end, it was alright. Everything can be compromise. How I get it was not important.

I have enjoyed a life of immorality, corruption, and no integrity for most of my personal life. I was blind, I have eyes but I cannot see. Today I can see the consequences and paying a heavy price for my mistakes.

I am taking a different path now, and I no longer want to live like my past, It is not worth it.

[kin]

The root goes back to my childhood. We were poor and livelihood was a problem. My mum struggle to raise my siblings and me up. Dad have to support 2 family because he has two wives. Mum had to sell candy, sweets and gambling game to kids in the neighborhood to feed us. End of the day, I would help her glued those losing ticket back together and sell them again. I was 8 or 9 years old at that time. I was already a cheat under circumstances since a very young age.

Mum tried hard but we will never have enough, feeding us, sending us to school and paying the bills was the most important thing.

[kin]

Because I read which team is playing which team in the news, I was tempted to gamble, however, the urge is very weak, I can still manage and don’t have to gamble at all.

But the story would be different and the real damage will be done after I have made a prediction and stare at the odds. I have already started the fire burning even though I was only gambling in the head.

It will be like cancer cells spreading, the emotional and physical urge would travel from my head to my heart to my whole body.

If I stare some more at the latest live result and odds, and if I entertain the thoughts to gamble, I will slowly lose myself, and become impulsive. All control would disappear. I would not be able to not rush down to place the physical bet.

This is how I fall into the trap I set myself up. I nurture this cub until it become a lion that was strong enough to devour me and I still ask myself the question where did the sudden and powerful uncontrollable urge come from…hahahaha

[finding_laura]

The answer is so simple yet so hard! To someone who doesn’t understand they would think, well don’t do it. Just put it out of your mind and forget about placing the bet. But we know that can be the hardest thing to do.

I was blind but now I see.

Keep working through this Kin. It seems you are getting to the root.

Perhaps avoid the small triggers like watching the sports on the news. Your awareness will help you avoid the big pitfalls if you can use it to say away from the small traps.

I hope you have a good day. ODAAT Brother Kin!
Laura

[kin]

Dear Sister Laura and anyone reading this

Have a blessed weekend ahead !

[kin]

Asking an addict to remove or take out the obsessive thought from their mind is as good as asking someone with depression to smile and be happy.

The intention was good but they do not understand that this is a mental illness, the chemical in the brain maybe imbalance, it is not so straight forward otherwise the professional will have no client.

[kin]

I specially spend time to download all my favorite songs from the 80s today. I group them into dance, feel good, and love songs.

Music and songs are very magical and can be very miraculous in helping me change my moods …sadly, I always forget to do it and don’t use them often, instead I turn to alcohol, gambling, food and sex for self medication and relief.

They will be good companions when I am feeling alone, bored,restless, anxious, worry or have too much free time on hand.

[finding_laura]

Being a child of the 80’s I am a big fan of the music. It is filled with so many good memories for me. I too started creating some music play lists but other more urgent things came up and pushed it aside. I am looking forward to a day where I can say there, all obligations taken care of and only time for me! Selfish I guess and they say be careful what you wish for. I hope the music helps Kin. Rebalancing our brain takes a lot of patience and self love.
Laura

[kin]

There were countless times after winning, I realize I was in trouble.

I could not stop myself thinking of gambling with all the obscene money.

My mind was always thinking and planning the next gamble. I have come to a stage right now where this is a real discomfort, torture and nuisance to me.

Strangely, the money I earn from hardwork does not give me this problem, but money from gambling was a trigger and curse.

Some time I just want to do nothing and enjoy the peace, calm and quiet. If I am always thinking of gambling, I cannot have peace and rest.

I just wish to be like a normal person where I can function normally. I want to be able to focus on other things in life and not only on gambling and more gambling.

I realize that I would struggle big time to stop gambling on my own free will after gambling for some time. I cannot control my mind and switch off.

The only way I can return to normal is when I have used up all my money and I do not borrow some more or when I did not start and place my first bet in the first place.

After so many years of torture, sometime I was really happy when I have lost all my money and I do not have to suffer anymore. I have really become sick in the mind.

Borrowing is a killer.  Borrowing just make the gambling problem more serious.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Kim, There are always going to be triggers for us. Sometimes it feels like a continuous battle. But every battle we win keeps us from gambling. Borrowing to gamble is the worse feeling. Everyday being gamble free is a blessing. We just have to keep going!

[lizbeth4]

Typo: kin

[kin]

Hi lizbeth4, its ok, no worries

[kin]

Chasing the winning and losing, until there is no more money to continue.

Winning only allow gambling to take control of us for a longer period of time.

I feel very free now. My mind is automatically switch off and not thinking of any gambling.

I did not have to suffer and struggle with two forces inside me fighting one another. I do not have to hear one voice telling me to gamble and the other telling me not to gamble.

There is freedom in my mind; I do not feel like I was tied to a chain of addiction. I feel happy, it felt like I was release from a prison. It will stay this way if I do not pick up my first drink or gamble.

Everything will change once I start drinking or gambling.

[finding_laura]

Do not give the addictions back their power. We are only powerless once we place that first bet. Enjoy the peace. And if the addiction tries to create doubts and cracks read your last post. There will be many more days like this. ODAAT. Laura

[kin]

Gambling will turn me into this unlikeable, unlovable scary monster in the end every single time. Any bystander can see that I am out of my mind except me. I have spent many years trying to prove that I am not like that but has failed every single time.

Gambling really can cook me. it may be sooner or later but I would surely be cooked after some time. I just cannot withstand the long hours and constant heat, I will slowly change into this impulsive, impatient, rash and reckless person who is completely a self seeking, selfish and high-risk lover.

My problem gambling history will tell you that I do not believe that I could be cook or become drunk by gambling. I cannot believe that I can be so irresponsible, rash and reckless and so out of my mind..

How can I place my life and the lives of my family and others on the line but that is what happen to me whether I like it or not. Gambling was too deadly.

There is no need for me to prove that I can control my patience, lower my risk and be responsible in gambling anymore now. The answer is clear for all to see, I cannot.

Whatever has happened to me in the past cannot be change. I am alive today by the grace and mercy of God and love ones. I should be considered very blessed to be alive.

Take away the gambling, my life story change.

[kin]

RASH:

1.Lack of careful CONSIDERATION of the POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES

RECKLESS:

1. Display a LACK of PROPER CAUTION and SAFETY

2. DISREGARD the SAFETY of SELF and OTHERS

IRRESPONSIBLE : 

1. DID NOT SHOW CARE for the consequences of one’s action or attitude

2. DO NOT WANT TO BE ACCOUNTABLE for one’s action

3. NOT ANSWERABLE to a higher authority for one’s action

……I need to change even if I was not gambling.

[kin]

I remember everything was fine. I was in total control. Not betting on every hand, patiently hunting and moving from table to table searching for the opportunity and waiting for the right moment to go for the kill.

I did not know at that time, that my brain was being fried all the time while I was gambling, it was only a matter of time before it get cooked.

When that happen, all the patience, experience and skills that I have if any in the beginning could not save me in the end because at the other end of the gambling, I would turn into the finished cook product, This is when the moment of insanity will strike, my brain will get HIJACK, I would become impatience, impulsive, rash, reckless and irresponsible.

I have fallen into the casino ‘s hand. When I lost all control of my mind, the casino knew I could not walk away from the next bet, only a person who is in control can do that.

What happen next is predictable. I would be betting every hand instead of waiting for the right moment, I would be chasing losses and doubling my bet in every hand. I would not and will not want to stop when I was losing and winning.

Where did the same calm, collected and in control person who have patiently hunted for many hours who could walk away from winning, losses and the next bet disappear to? I wonder for years….

I have done it many times in the beginning and can stop gambling “at will” with ease and still keep my peace and calm but it was not the same in the end and everything changes because I will be overwhelmed by this very powerful negative emotion; I hated the feeling of losing this one bet and loses all my peace. If I stop gambling, I would suffer from anxiety,  discomfort, and restlessness.

I want to change thing when I really don’t need to do so because I was still in the winning phrase despite three straight losses. This was my blind spot and mistake. I can choose to stop and still be a winner overall, but I don’t want to stop, so the end result was always the same.

In a few insane moments, everything that took me hours to accumulate will be wipeout in minutes. It all happened so fast, when I realize what had happen, it was already too late.

Unfortunately, whether I am taking alcohol or gambling, It was the same. I am actually cooking my brain, when it got cooked, I have no more control over myself and I could not stop at will anymore.

I no longer envy gambler A who have so much winning and can continue to gamble big on selected hands. I no longer envy gambler B who can walk away from winning and losses, he will be back looking for opportunity to gamble again. As long as the gambler is still in action, he will be cooked in the end.

I will reach a state of drunkardness in gambling just like in alcohol, losing my self-control and self-destructing. Win or lose, I self-destruct, that is the way it is.

[kin]

I have just walk away from my previous job which was too stressful and can trigger me back to my old ways for one that require me to work longer hours and pay lesser but is giving me more peace and calm everyday.

I have resigned from my position as a senior officer in a bank to work as a security officer. It does not make sense to a normal person but I am trying to change my lifestyle completely.

I hope this move can keep me safe in recovery. I have travel so far and this is just one of my way to survive. I may be gamble free now but I am still the same SO who did not gamble. 

[kin]

It has always been a part of my life. It is time for a change.

[kin]

What does it feel like to have heartache now. It really hurts and the natural thing for me to do next in these situations to comfort myself was either alcohol or gambling. Both are wrong and bad choices, I felt it but I did not gamble or drink today.

It was good to know that I may not have been gambling or drinking but I can still feel like gambling and drinking and when it happen next time, I will not be shock and be caught by it.

There are good days and bad days, not everyday is a sunny day; bad things can happen to both good and bad people.

This is life, this too shall pass.

[kin]

I was angry but I didn’t throw the first punch, I walk away.

My head was thinking all the time; If I hit this person, I will be place behind bar. I didn’t want to go to jail.

Again it shows that I cannot control the people, places and thing but I can control my reaction and responses to them.

I cannot guarantee what happen after the first bet, I may WIN and bet somemore, or LOSE and bet somemore but if I can choose not to place the first bet, I would stay stop.

[kin]

Living The Truth

What is the Purpose of my Life moving ahead and why am I doing what I am doing?

Peace Joy Happiness Contentment Gratitude

The greatest motivation of all is LOVE and HOPE

Recovery on the “war path”

[kin]

There are four stages of Gambling; Winning Stage, Losing Stage, Desperation Stage, and Hopeless Stage.

Gambling is like cooking a steak, there are a few stages; the rare stage, medium stage and well cooked stage. When the gambler reaches a stage where they are cooked and loses their self control, the brakes are gone and the speeding car can only stop after it crashes.

It was useless trying to control the alcohol when you are drunk

[kathryn]

Just wanted to say a big thank you for my welcome back.
It was much appreciated.
I think there may be 5 stages of gambling….the fifth being acceptance.
Only then can we take the steps necessary to begin recovery.
Take care my friend,
Love K xx

[finding_laura]

I had missed your last posts since I came back. I had no idea you had changed jobs. What a big brave decision. Living life in a pressure cooker of a job that doesn’t provide you with any job satisfaction and only causes situations that pressure you. It sounds like you are making a healthy lifestyle choice. Others may admire the title and the benefits but if the job is killing you it isn’t worth it to impress others. I hope you don’t find the longer hours too wearing and that you find some peace with this change. I could totally understand how the change is appealing. Your words seem like a conversation with your soul: Living The Truth The Purpose of my Life moving ahead and why am I doing what I am doing Peace Joy Happiness Contentment Gratitude Recovery on the “war path” Beautiful. And Kathryn, I love your thought re the 5th stage being acceptance. You sound as though you have found acceptance that you cannot and should not gamble Kin! I hope you find all those states of being and qualities that help you be meaningful to you and your family. Love is also why we go on I think. Take care Kin

[kin]

I have never had such an easy time in recovery with this barrier.

My new job is not stressful but the working hour is very long. After work, I am too exhausted, it drained out any excess energy I have left and made me perfect to go to sleep. I have NO TIME to go gambling and NO ENERGY to think about gambling.

12 hours working, 2 hour travelling time, 7 hours sleeping time left me only 2 hours before and after work to wash up, eat and free time every day.

[kin]

Hi Laura,

Thank you for helping me to see that my previous job was “killing” me. That job was always about good can be better, and I was never good enough not matter how well I do. It stresses me out.

[finding_laura]

Dear Kin, I think you realized that yourself when you decided to make a change. I just worded it differently. I’m happy to hear the new job is working out so far. My guess would be that this will be a transition for you. It’s a good barrier for now and someday you will find something that has a little shorter hours to allow for life but is not so stressful as your old job. Feeling peaceful and contented is its own rich reward. I don’t need wealth, yes money to live comfortably, but more important is to live our best life. God bless Kin!

[kin]

I never thought I would be writing this one day.

I have always complaint about how poorly I adapt to changes happening in my life. After changing my job to one that is less stressful this time, I suddenly found my life becoming more stable, predictable and certain. There is more manageability and control over how I react and respond to daily matters that I never had before.

Longer working hour and a smaller pay is really a very small price that I would gladly pay for a non self-destructive and satisfying recovery (not perfect but grateful and contented).

The current job is basically stress free, the stress only happen when I did not get enough sleep in the day  and had to stay awake on the job at night.

[kin]

Stressful event can jeopardize recovery.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin
What an awful brave and wise decision to change jobs .
I can hear from your posts that this has removed a lot of temptation and given you stability .
Sure the work is hard and pays less but you are still richer than when you gambled – you have a better and more stable life !
Well done – keep strong !

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin
What an awful brave and wise decision to change jobs .
I can hear from your posts that this has removed a lot of temptation and given you stability .
Sure the work is hard and pays less but you are still richer than when you gambled – you have a better and more stable life !
Well done – keep strong !

[finding_laura]

Hi Kin, I missed your last post. I’m glad to hear things are going better for you. I hope you can find new ways to reward yourself for an honest days work. Simple things can be a great reward. Cold slice of watermelon on a hot day. A new orchid to set in the window. An afternoon off under a shady tree.

You have certainly broke the pattern. No more insanity. I pray you find all the results you have been looking for.
Laura

[kin]

Dear all,

I am truly enjoying the benefit of a stress-free environment for my recovery. Before I change my job, I was constantly living under stress and doing my recovery at the same time.

It has open up my eyes to help me understand how a stressful environment is not healthy and offer many challenges to my recovery.

I did not do anything miraculous, I simply remove the unwanted stress in my life and those usual trigger just disappear. 

I finally understand that the many difficult walk I had on this journey was totally unnecessary.

[kin]

I was not mindful of this problem until recently, I found out that I could never stay contented with comfort for too long, I was always trying to seek changes and do a little more each time. It was just a habitual thing.

The same habit that has made me a better saleperson when I was young has become the main cause of my self-destruction later in life.

The current new stress-free job was helping me stay abstinent with ease in recovery, yet I wanted to do more and so I went on a diet at the same time.

I thought it was harmless, but it was not. I didn’t know that I was adding stress to my life until it became a burden and great discomfort. The stree free life was gone in 5 days after I went on a strict no carbohydrates and no sugar diet. I feel that I have change from a positive and happy person to become negative and depress.

I realize something was very wrong and made some adjustment; I didn’t change the stress-free work but I change my diet to an easier one. I tried intermittent fasting, I take only one meal a day and things is looking bright again.

I am still very much work in progress…

[kin]

For many years, I thought they were telling me to relax because I was too serious. Well, I was wrong again, they actually mean “CAREFULLY AND SLOWLY”

[kin]

Recently, I met a new unpopular person at the recovery drop-in center, he was telling everyone that he was different and his problem was more serious than everybody. It was not his fault, it is very difficult for him to stay abstinent because everyone around him was drinking, drugging and gambling. This person simply does not want to be responsible for all the bad choices he made and blaming everyone, every place, and everything except himself. He did not want to be made accountable for his action.

I can still remember that some point in my recovery, I was also behaving like that and justifying my overeating, drinking, drugging and gambling. But today I understand that I have a choice. I can choose to “WALK AWAY”. I cannot blame people, places and things because it was my decision.

I am falling in love with these words ” carefully and slowly ” now.  My favorite in early recovery used to be ” one baby step at a time.”

[finding_laura]

“I was blind but now I see” is something that comes to mind reading your recent posts. You are gaining a lot of insight into your past behaviours and motivations.

Try not to take on too much at once. Allow your new habits and pace of life to solidify. Little changes.

Carefully and slowly – take time to enjoy the journey and not racing to some current destination in our minds eye.

Well done on all your progress. You have never given up for long.

Laura

[kin]

1. I grew stronger little by little everyday from the daily practice of denying my desires choosing instead to stay abstinent from sugar, and carbohydrate.

2. I have also increase the level of difficulty by doing fasting at the same time and had to deal with the urge and craving regularly.

There was so much information on Ketogenic diet and Intermitten fasting online, and it kept me very well informed. After doing it a few times, I was very confident that they work. Since December until now, I have shed 12 kg.

But I have to regularly check myself to remain patient and not be too obsess with them due to my addictive personality; the disease of wanting more.

Dieting forces me to practice seeking progress and not perfection just like in life and recovery. What happen if I have a cheat day? Just like in life and recovery, I dont give up completely, I will continue to do my best tomorrow. We may have lost a battle somewhere along the way but we have not lost the war.

This journey is for life, and we can only do this much; take one baby step at a time, one day at a time.

[kin]

1. Stress free environment

2. Sufficient Sleep

3. Fasting

4. Exercise 

Thank you God for the guidance on the importance of the above in my life.

This was an area where my past doctor, counsellor, mentor and sponsor did not address and evaluate for me, nobody thought it was a top priority or something I need. Everyone was trying to address my gambling or alcohol problem.

Every advise given was good but something was missing that is holding me back from living a fuller life.

As I aged, recovery become more challenging and important because I was developing more and more ailments. 

My mental health did not improve recently until I discover a stress free enviroment and fasting..

[kin]

Dear diary,

I took some time out to attend a GA meeting yesterday and was surprise by 3 person I met who reminded me of myself for many years, I was all the three person.

Person A

Life was all about debt repayment, it was very frustrating and meaningless, all the hard earn income goes to repaying the debt. He cannot lead a normal life like his friends, he could not contribute to the family or bring his girlfriend for a holiday.  

Person B

He did not have any money and was able to stay gamble free for 5 years until he receives a huge sum of money of 30,000 dollars and suffer a full-blown relapse straightaway losing everything. He regretted his action and became depressed and suicidal.

Person C

Selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways still rules the day. Continue to borrow to gamble. The sibling has been bailing him out. His action shows no remorse and regret. He talks as if he was blind and cannot see or he just simply does not care about the consequences of his gambling anymore, there was no shame and embarrassment.

What have I been doing nowadays and my action:

Denying my desires and giving up doing something I like. Recently I read that fasting can cure addiction.

Providing and contributing to the family every month first before settling my remaining debts.

My thoughts:

My recovery has not been perfect. I cannot claim to be gamble free since day one in recovery many many years ago, mine was all about progress and not perfection.  This has been the story of my life. I have lost many battles along the way but still fighting this war, it is not over yet.

My feelings:

As long as I continue to walk this journey of recovery and keep on trying after every slip and relapses, there is always hope and chance for a better life. Suicide just simply rob and take away all the opportunities to a better quality of life one cannot see at the darkest moment.

[kin]

To be updated.

I have the best barrier in place now, it is not making me happy and excited because it works…..haha
It is keeping me away from my old ways and all the unhealthy things I love to do.
I do feel grateful and contented whenever I check myself as this unpopular long working hours and low paid job is helping me settle all my financial obligation slowly because I was not gambling.

[Jackdandy]

Well said Kin 

Got to shut the brain down 

Got to pay those bills 

Stay away from the devils playground 

I hope you are well today

[finding_laura]

is your best barrier your current job or have you added something else that isn’t all that popular? Making less and paying your debts is better than making more but running to the casino for stress relief. You sound good! Keep it up 🙂
Laura

[kin]

Hi Laura,

After 10 weeks, I notice that I am beginning to reject the ideal barrier very strongly and resist the awesome changes.

How? I wish to quit the job and pull down all the barrier that was put up by it.

Why? I don’t get the freedom to do anything I love and want. I am sure somewhere in there you can find gambling in this lie and self deception.

What did I tell myself ? 3 months of good behavior is enough, I can release or free myself from this prison and enjoy the freedom to do anything I want – I am stepping on the line now, one more step and I am planning my next gamble.

How true when you mention I needed time to solidify new habit and new lifestyle.

[kin]

The recent fasting experience has made me realize that the brain can send out the wrong signal to the body, I could be thirsty, but the brain sent out the wrong signal telling me to eat. Likewise, I could be mentally tired, but the brain sent out the wrong signal telling me to gamble.

[kin]

Sometime I was just burnout from work and needed proper rest and more sleep, not another gamble.

Sometime all I need is just a little common sense to take a break and do nothing but sleep and rest, not another gamble.

[kin]

Dear diary, It was not my will to do an unpopular job with longer working hours and smaller pay and after 2 months, I was feeling sick and tired of it, I just cannot find the strength to carry on anymore and wanted to quit.

I didn’t do anything except took an additional day off to rest and everything changes overnight. I have charge up my battery and suddenly I feel strong enough to carry on for at least another 2 more months. It was a lesson learn.

One baby step at a time.

[kin]

Problem gambling is an urge to gamble despite harmful negative consequences
Problem gambling is an urge to gamble despite a desire to stop.

[kin]

I felt tired, the thought to act out in different self destructive ways surface yesterday. I didn’t know the root cause. Is it due to the long working hours or improper rest, or was it due to the diet. I was totally lost.

I had played badminton with fellow recovery friends for 10 minutes on Monday, I didnt know it was also giving me physical stress and tiredness as I have not exercise for a long time. I thought this stress and tiredness comes from my long working hours or the diet.

Yes, I did have struggle with the thoughts to act out in self destructive ways but I also remember to deal with my recovery carefully and slowly…easy does it. I decided to take unpaid leave for 2 days to rest and recover.

After resting for one day and feeling fully recharge mentally and physically, I can tell the tiredness comes from the exercise with the muscle-ache more obvious today.

I do not have the wisdom, my ways doesn’t work. Thank God for helping me to let go and rest instead of trying to control and change thing.

[kin]

In fasting, we learn to give up something that we like to do. We experience urges and cravings but practice denying our desires

In Buddhism, fasting is an initial stage of self-discipline to acquire self-control.
In Islam, the fast is intended to bring the faithful closer to God and to remind them of the suffering of those less fortunate.
In Christianity, fasting and prayer are often linked together (Luke 2:37; 5:33). Fasting takes your eyes off the things of this world to focus completely on God.
In Hinduism, fasting indicates the denial of the physical needs of the body for the sake of spiritual gains.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin
Well done for sticking at the job And recognising that sometimes we need a day off to recharge our batteries. You are right when you say it’s important To settle your financial obligations – going to a job you don’t like is better than a gambling hangover anyway – I like how you put that – I will keep that in mind when I have jobs I don’t want to do .

Well done Kin – keep strong !

[kin]

I have been feeling great discomfort from a few encounters in the last few days. There were more decision than usual days to made as a result. I was emotionally overwhelmed by them.

Should I turn back or should I move ahead?

In the past, I only have 2 answers, it is either a Yes or No. I can be very impulsive and act immediately, it is normally too late for me to regret my decision. 

Today I must remind myself of the third option: maybe the answer is Not Yet. I must not do anything now. I only need to wait – Be patient and wait for a better time to act.

I don’t need to made a decision now, I shall wait one week.

[kin]

Decision making:

Do not be impulsive and impatient: Wait
Do not be complacent and careless: Wait

[kin]

I had my dinner recently, it was a heavy meal pack full of carbohydrates. After I had finished everything on my plate, I continue to want more, my craving for carbohydrates was very strong.

I could not feel that I was full and had enough. I want more, it looks like my brake is spoilt and cannot stop. I have lost the discipline to follow any diet program.

Unless I return to the program, it will only get worst. I have regained 4 kg and I will continue to gain weight unless I change. The diet has help me to lower my weight to 74kg but the binge eating recently has cost me to regained 4 kg back to 78 kg.

Its back to the drawing board and putting what I have learnt into action before I spiral out of control. The program works, I only need to follow it.

It was definitely a relapse for an overeater.

[kin]

I would have failed by my own expectation and standard in the past, it used to make me feel more depress and down but not now, I have accepted my imperfection and willingness to change at a much slower pace. The progress will come surely and slowly.

Positive

1. I have manage to focus and discipline myself to fast for 20 hours on the first day, it was an achievement for me because I knew it is very tempting to snack and eat in the middle just like what happen to me in the last few days when I struggle and fail in my early attempt at intermittent fasting.

2. I was focus and have one meal a day today (OMAD)

Negative / Wrong

My barrier is not shut completely, first day was imperfect.

1. I cannot resist the food on the table, I allow myself to take in carbs and small amount of sugar on my first day of low carbs, low sugar and high fat diet.

I am happy and satisfied with the baby step progress made on the first day today, I can only get better and be good at it over time.

This was so different from my early years in recovery. I would beat up myself all the times for my imperfection and failure in my recovery, it was all or nothing, perfection or failure.

Today I pray to God for strength, courage and wisdom to do the right thing!

I thank God for the recovery today that has provided me peace,happiness, and joy today despite all my brokeness and imperfections. 

[kin]

If I am not gambling, other areas in my life especially debt repayment and financial obligations and commitment can be resolve slowly.

If I am not gambling, these problem is not the biggest problem.

Life was never smooth sailing and rosy all the times in recovery, it was beauty in the eyes of the beholder everyday, I can either choose to see only the thorns among the rose or the rose among the thorns.

Dear God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sometime I lack the wisdom to tell whether some things can be change or not, and need to pray for the wisdom and courage not to be too impulsive and impatience because I am prone to forget …that I can wait…..it was all God’s will and timing, not mine.

[kin]

The lost sheep was wiser and smarter than me and an engineer, he was mentally stronger than me and runs the marathon but this sheep has a problem that I personally knew very well. He was trapped like me and cannot break free from the power of addiction despite all his strength. I knew this devil too well.

I am fully aware that I do not have the power to help him and did not try to pretend to be someone I was not, I told him about someone who has help turn my life around, and let God do the rest. He was willing to meet my mentor, but both are busy and I have to wait until when both are available to arrange the meeting and yesterday was the perfect day.

What happen next amazes me, the meeting place was always pack full of people during dinner time and I don’t expect to get a table let alone one that is quiet enough to talk.

When I reach this place with the engineer, I look at the sea of people and every full  tables, and I was thinking to myself if there is a Higher Power at work, something will happen and right at this moment, the people in the first table right in front of me was getting ready to leave. The place was too closely pack and noisy to talk but this table was right at the corner in the far end and just nice enough for the meeting. Thank God!

I link up this young man with my mentor and I hope this will be the beginning of a very wonderful and fruitful relationship. I am very sure my mentor will assist this young engineer to seek the Truth to help him break free of his struggle.

All Glory be to God alone.

[kin]

I have stop acting out in food, sex and work, I have stop drinking alcohol and gambling but I have never been able to stay stop forever in my last 13 years of trying.

Whenever I acted out in any form of self-destructive behavior again, I would try to stay stop again. I did not give up trying to stay stop. Everyday was a constant reminder to stay away from every form of self-destructive behaviors.

The most satisfying thing that I ever achieve in my recovery was to develop an ability and responsibility to show love and provide for the family every month. I was such a useless, hopeless, selfish and irresponsible addict before that.

The most unthinkable and unimaginable thing that can happen to me in gambling was to use the money that doesn’t belong to me to feed my gambling, I may steal, borrow, lie, cheat and con to get the money to gamble. There were so many recovery gamblers I met in the past that was so sure they will not be so foolish and stupid to commit such a criminal act until they do it and regret one day. I must be wary because I will not be an exception.

Every new recovery person I meet like to ask me this question; When was the last time you gamble? When was the last time you drink? It was rare for them to ask me whether I was also acting out in food, sex, work, cigarettes and drugs altogether.

Recovery has given me the confident to be honest with them. I can now face and accept the truth. I am a recovering addict, I was still an imperfect person in recovery and I do sometime slip, and relapse in recovery if I become complacent, and careless.

There was no need for me to be a people pleaser and pretend to be someone I was not. I can accept and deal with the emotion of embarrassment, shame, and guilt that comes with it now. They are a result of my unrealistic high self-expectation and standards. In recovery, everyone are chasing success to stay stop forever. Relapse was consider a failure and the person is consider a loser.

I was very unhappy and miserable in my early recovery, I was regularly in self-pity and self-beating mode, my self-worth, self-respect, self-esteem and dignity was at its lowest. The turning point and breakthrough came after I started seeking the truth in my recovery. I begin to understand why they seek progress and not perfection in recovery.

When everything fail, I have learn to take the more re assuring and safest small little “one baby step at a time”. I thought that was all I can do but these baby steps has carry me far.

My life has change after I found a Higher Power in my life and recovery. I found peace, freedom and joy, I am a happier person now. My attitude change, I can see the roses among the thorns now. In the past, I was focusing on the thorns among the rose and made many bad decision as a results.

I am more experience now, this experience has help me made brave and courageous decision to keep my sanity and recovery at all cost. It was still a very scary and insecure feeling to let go of the control completely every single time but it was different when I let go to a Higher Power that I trust and believe. 

I need a Higher Power to help me to do what I cannot do for myself. I learn to pray to God to help me; to give me the wisdom, strength and courage to do His will, and not mine. My way doesn’t work, let God!

I have begin to joke with someone I reach out almost 2 years ago, this person is now attending all those anonymous group meetings and 12 steps recovery workshops. So every time we discuss about something from the 12 steps recovery program, I like to ask my friend whether this sound like something that comes from the Bible. The person agrees. I just wanted to let the person know where they can seek and find the Truth.

No one is perfect, no one is righteous all the times but it is no excuse to sin. I know it was wrong to sin but yet I could not stop myself from sinning. I can be this weak and vulnerable at times. I need God, I need to seek forgiveness, mercy and grace from God for the wrongdoing and sin I do every day.

The bible talk about God ‘s promises. The AA group has a reading on “the promises”. I realize they are true, slowly and surely they have materialize in my life and recovery.

I still sin and act out in all form of self-destructive behavior but it is getting lesser nowadays. Most days I was in total abstinent.

I am very grateful to God and feel very hopeful about the future. 

[kin]

Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over gambling – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Biblical References

Jeremiah states that we cannot manage our life on our own. “I know, O LORD, that the way of human beings is not in their control, that mortals as they walk cannot direct their steps” (Jeremiah 10:23, NRS).

David faced this dilemma many times in his life. In Psalm 38:4 David admits that he was overwhelmed by sin, unable to bail himself out on his own, writing, “For my iniquities have gone over my head; like a heavy burden they are too heavy for me.”

In Romans 7:14-23 the apostle Paul describes a Christian’s struggle with sin and need for God’s deliverance. He plaintively exclaims, “Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?” (Romans 7:24). Paul gives the solution in the next verse, “Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord” (Romans 7:25, NLT).

“I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” (Romans 7:18)

Recovery Principles 

Principle 1: REALIZE I’m not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and my life is unmanageable.

“Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.” Matthew 5:3 

[kin]

12 Steps of Gambler Anonymous & Biblical References

Step 2

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

 Biblical References

Step 2 urges the recovering person to acknowledge that recovery depends on “a power greater than ourselves.”

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my POWER is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Philippians 2:13 (NLT) “For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him.”

Principle 2: EARNESTLY believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.

“Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

[kin]

12 Steps of Gambler Anonymous & Biblical References

Step 3

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of GOD as we understood Him.

Biblical References

This Step expresses a fundamental principle in our relationship with God that is expressed in numerous scriptural passages, including:

“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

 

“Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.” (Psalm 37:5)

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship. (Romans 12.1)

Principle 3: CONSCIOUSLY choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control.

“Happy are the meek.” Matthew 5:5

[kin]

12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous & Biblical References

Step 4

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Biblical References

“Let us examine our ways and test them and let us return to the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:40)

Principle 4: OPENLY examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

“Happy are the pure in heart.” Matthew 5:8

[kin]

12 Steps of Gambler Anonymous & Biblical References

Step 5

Admitted to GOD, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Biblical References

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

Principle 4: OPENLY examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.

“Happy are the pure in heart.” Matthew 5:8  (James 5:16)

[kin]

12 Steps of Gambler Anonymous & Biblical References

Step 6

We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

This Step calls for a repentant attitude and willingness to change

Ephesians 4:22-23 (NIV)—“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Ephesians 5:15-17 (Phillips)—“Live life, then, with a due sense of responsibility, not as men who do not know the meaning and purpose of life but as those who do. Make the best use of your time, despite all the difficulties of these days. Don’t be vague, but firmly grasp what you know to be the will of the Lord.”

[kin]

I had to stop and question my recovery. The recovery program does not control me like a robot. I was given a free will to make my choices in my life. Why does the recovery program give me a free will to relapse? It made me realize that my chances is not high on my own. My own strength never last, my will power and determination has a limit. I could never stay stop because on some days I have the power and strength, on some day I don’t.

My free will can choose to relapse but the recovery program keep prompting me and direct me back to recovery. It  was my compass and GPS. I found out that I needed wisdom from a Higher Power to help me obey and made the right choice. I needed this strength from the Higher Power to help me give up my self will and resist any temptations.

Today it made me realize the good intention of the program, that I needed to take good care of my health so that I could travel further…. in recovery.

[finding_laura]

Dear Kin. Today I have soaked up the wisdom in your posts. Being wise isn’t all knowing so don’t feel undeserving of this compliment. You really have grown a lot and through your learning you are helping me learn as well. I realize your main intention is to help yourself but you are still doing it in a way that is helpful to others. It is like maybe you feel good wearing the lessons of the program and of life. And this new life is fitting you well. Progress not perfection. Thank you for sharing the following with RIP as it is so helpful to us all. Please keep progressing!
———————————————————————————

The US national gambling impact study commission called these electronic gambling machines the crack cocaine of creating new addicted gamblers. ~ John Kindt , Professor, Business and Legal Policy, University of Illinios

The worst thing that ever happen to me was winning some money, I ended up spending more money trying to replicate the feeling. ~ Slot-machine Player.

Once you interact with these machines, the dynamic changes, and what you get out of these machines is not necessary the excitement and thrill of winning but the pleasure of being in this rhythmic zone. ~ Assistant Professor Natasha Schull

It was like a trance that came over me ~ Slot-machine Player

When you are sitting in front of that machine, you are intoxicated. You have not taken a pill, you have not taken a drink, you have not put something into your vein, but that doesn’t mean your brain chemistry haven’t change. ~ Dr Robert Breen, Director, Gambling Treatment Program, Rhode Island Hospital

In 2001, Doctor Hans Breiter and colleagues at Massachusetts General hospital conducted an experiment comparing the brain of a cocaine addict receiving a dose of cocaine and a healthy control subject playing the game of chance.

You look at the brain images of the activation of the primary reward system in the center of the human brain when they are a cocaine addict expecting a cocaine infusion vs a normal control subject expecting a monetary win, we saw the same thing, they are nearly identical, I could not distinguish who have receive cocaine and who have won a gambling task. ~ Doctor Hans Breiter, Director, Motivational and Emotional Neuroscience Center, Massachuset ts General hospital

The Gambling industry members talk about how to keep the people playing the machine longer, faster and more intensively and the way they speak about their aim is an aim of player extinction. Keeping the player there until their budget is thoroughly exhausted , until they have zero the player out.

[kin]

Hi Laura, Thank you for the compliments!

I would like to continue to be honest about one thing; the on going struggles in my life and recovery.

My addiction has manifested in all areas of my life. The thorn remain in my flesh, how naïve of me to think that I do not have this problem anymore.

1.Stop digging the hole

I have lost control of my overeating and put on 3 to 4 kg very quickly recently…at this pace, I was afraid to regain 10 kg back.

I manage to made a decision to return to the program and practice my one meal a day low carb, zero sugar diet.

2. Still hopeful in recovery

It took only 3 days for me to lose 3kg in water weight.

3. Distraction vs Focus

Today I receive a phone call to attend a job interview and all of a sudden my priority have shifted to the job interview.

I gradually become powerless and struggle to stay focus in my diet. My priority have shifted away from the diet, and I slipped, I should not have order the food I ate today.

There are so many temptations and distraction in life everyday. I continue to struggle and remain an imperfect person despite trying to stay on the right track in recovery.

I shall keep on trying until my last breathe! Trying to deny my desires, giving up doing what I love…

Without God giving me the wisdom and strength to do it. Just depending or relying on my own will and strength, I have fail time and time again. 

Today I realize how my priority can change suddenly anytime just like the weather. This explain the struggle I face in staying focus to remain gamble free. Feeling in control one moment and totally out of control in the next.

[kin]

I have tried many times after my life has return to normal in the last 30 years only to find out the hard way that the problem was still there and always there all the time every single time.

I thought that I could function like a normal person and over eat, over work, drink or gamble normally but every single time the result tell me I can never succeed. I will slowly become impulsive, impatient and compulsive after I start gambling every single time or I will gradually lose my sanity after I start drinking or I will eat unnecessary and uncontrollably after some time without fail. I soon realize that I was really an addict and has a problem that other normal people on the street do not have.

These problems indicate that I must give up gambling and drinking completely, other behavior like food, sex and over working must be kept to a normal, moderate and healthy level.

I only have one choice, either I accept the truth and stop completely (acceptance) or live in denial that I could gamble or drink like a normal person one day which will never happen in this life.

[kin]

It is really painful to know that I cannot do some thing like over eat, over work, take alcohol, or gamble like a normal person ever after now.

If I ever do them again, slowly the old ways and old problem return. It is sad to see myself turning impulsive, impatience and compulsive. I can see myself gradually losing self control; doing things unnecessarily and uncontrollably.

The many episodes i had at work, dieting, drinking and gambling show that the disease of addiction affect all areas of my life. I was in denial for many years thinking that it only affect some area of my life, that is sad.

I was thinking about the thorn in the flesh that I read in 2 Corinthian 12:7-9

Apostle Paul asked the Lord to take it away 3 times but God refuse and say “no”. Despite God refusal to heal him, Paul rejoice in the name of the Lord. 

I still feel very disappointed with myself, very sad that I took 30 years to find this out about myself.

[kin]

Over the last 20 years, I saw myself struggling at workplace and leaving the job despite doing well at times
The recent experience in dieting saw me eating uncontrollably and unnecessarily a few times, it felt scary to be out of control in eating.
Drinking sound harmless to me until I drink to a point when I can no longer stop at will, and suffer all the consequences.
Gambling look harmless to me until I become angry, impulsive, impatient and compulsive and soon it turn into a all or nothing size bet.
My family has suffer with me for so many years, even with the new understanding, I do not know how to tell them what is happening to me.
They only knew I had an addiction and past depression issues, my effort in recent years has shown them that I was trying hard to improve and do something about it but I still find it hard to explain to them about my unpredictable behavior at times especially financially.
One mistake can take many months or years to recover or in the worst scenario, it cannot be repaired.

[kin]

I had a relapse one day after my last post.

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