Kpat, thanks for reading my post and for your support.
Oh, I can see and hear exactly what position you’re in just as me ! We’re like the packhorse, gofer and never fail to deliver even at our own expense and time ! Just pile it on, we can do it, no problem…. right ! We have a short week next week too.
But running to our friend for comfort more and more often than before to cope and escape has just the reverse effect and we end up in worst pain and lows than ever before. Like you, I just can’t win or even breakeven anymore, it’s just loss after loss after loss but I cannot stop or control myself like a person obsessed (possessed, my mother would say) to play the last penny in the hope that the tide will turn.
But I just don’t learn and pardon the expression but like a dog returns to its vomit, I go back again. Hate it ! Hate it ! Hate myself for succumbing. But I feel a bit free since not gambling since 16 May – 6 days now. Monumental for me who played every single day.
But I feel stronger and focused to hold onto to my salary this month (she says in her ‘right’ mind) and pay my company card FIRST. I made the dreaded call to the card company and prayed, Lord please help me cos I can’t do this call, to let them know I would be late and couldn’t pay on time. I was taken aback when he butt in to say ‘no problem, I’ll make a note that there’ll be no restrictions on the card, thanks for letting us know. ‘ Thank you, Lord, !
That was a miracle as I’ve been down this road every single month and threatened that my card would be suspended or taken away but would not be available for further use until I brought it up to date. So I quickly went online to book a train ticket in advance for next Wednesday to attend a Client site and it still worked. I am holding onto the only and last exact amount of cash for the taxi there, too.
What shocked me into reality today and gave me a rude awakening was a message I received from another gambler who I met at a GA meeting. She said. ‘Oh, Lauren, I am so stupid. What possessed me to do it again ! Got paid already overdrawn and lost everything in half an hour. Not even end of month, let alone have all of next to deal with, don’t know what I am going to do. Stay an idiot. ‘
It was like I was reliving my past monthly experiences and seeing myself next week if I were to even think of going there when I get paid. What a startling reminder to place me on guard and not for a moment to think I’m ok and let my guard down. This evil monster appears to me as an angel of light but I must not be deceived. Its all lies, lies, lies ! Gambling will never help us. The only win we will ever have is by NOT gambling.
So come payday, I cannot, cannot afford to mess this up. I’ve been given an excellent golden opportunity to turn my life around and must embrace this and will definitely share the tools with you.
I plan to pay my bills on payday and any surplus money…..really overdraft credit, I need to move to the savings account so it won’t be available on my card. I need to hold fast on to my money and made a promise to myself not to spend one penny on gambling which will lead to the rest of it going too, before going in and hopefully for the first time in years, not have a single transaction for gambling on my bank statement !
I’m surprised that the bank has tolerated this and even increased my overdraft when all one sees is transaction after transaction of cash payments for gambling sites !
Thanks for your prayers, I feel it and praying for you and many others on here who touch me with their distress and struggle.
Take care and stay strong.