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    • #30607
      andrea6054
      참가자

      Ok. ..so from today I’m searching for my “salvation”.

      I’ve looked up the definition of the word :
      Salvation (Latin salvatio; Greek sōtēria; Hebrew yeshu’ah) is being saved or protected from harm or being saved or delivered from some dire situation. In religion, salvation is stated as the saving of the soul from sin and its consequences.

      I’ve been accepted for residential treatment. …hallelujah! !

      My salvation starts here. It’s down to me to save myself. ..but I am fully aware I can’t do it alone. I need help and I’m so glad it’s been offered to me.

      Hopefully life can only get better from hereon in. You have no idea how much I yearn to be a decent person again.
      Finding this site and all the help and lovely people on it was the catalyst that I’ve needed to change my ways.
      Here’s hoping!

    • #30608
      micky
      참가자

      Well done Andrea you can do it and your so right we cannot do it on our own . We have to reach out and get all the help we can i have been doing the same the last few days.

    • #30609
      andrea6054
      참가자

      Thank you Micky. …there’s just no two ways about it. …it’s now or never. …
      I wish you all the best too in this dreadful battle.
      Andrea

    • #30610
      vera
      참가자

      Salvation comes through Grace, Andrea
      I don’t know your religious views but it’s easy to see how we are given opportunities at the times in our lives when we need to be liberated from something that will eventually destroy us. You have been given this wonderful chance. You can accept or reject it .God gave us all Free Will. I believe,hope and pray that through His Grace, you will accept the GMA place.
      Well done! This is your chance to turn your life around.ODAAT!

    • #30611
      andrea6054
      참가자

      Hi Vera. ..Thanks for your message.
      Do you know. ..I was brought up in Ireland as a Catholic and went to school in a convent. …and I definitely had the fear of God well and truly instilled in me as a child.
      I couldn’t tell a lie to save my life, never mind anything else.
      Over the years (and there’s been 50 of them)…my relationship with God/religion has dwindled to almost zero. …and yet I’ve still heard myself say Please God let me win /get the bonus/jackpot. …whatever. …
      I have gone from a person who, at one stage, couldn’t tell one single lie. …to one who has almost made a career out of it.
      And that’s just the start! !
      Lying is/has become second nature. ..along with greed, stealing, manipulating, hurting people….the whole shebang..
      .
      Now. ..I don’t have any desire to become a Bible bashing convert. …but I do so wish I could regain all those decent character qualities that I’ve allowed this thing to destroy. ..
      I’m hoping they’re just buried deep and I can find them again. …and they’re not lost forever. I want to be a good person again.
      I haven’t been on the slots now for a day. ….there’s no money to gamble.
      However. …Saturday is a day for horseracing on TV. …always did the Scoop 6 and some placepots on a Saturday. …I never get carried away with the horses ….only the slots.
      But this Saturday I refrained from allowing Mr On/Off include my selections in any bets.
      He didn’t cause an issue….It was not mentioned again.
      Since I’ve taken these teetering steps towards what I hope will be a full recovery. ..I have not felt so physically ill in my life. ….massive exaggeration there. …I’m sure there’s been times when I have. ..but how I’m feeling now is like my body (not my mind) wants to expel this evil physically.
      And also. ..gambling always had me in a high state of anxiety. …I’m feeling more relaxed now. ..and I think my body is responding by letting me know how much I’ve neglected it over the years.
      I also note l am whinging a lot. …I have read some posts on here by people who are upbeat and positive in the main. …Whilst I’m nothing but downbeat and negative at the moment. ..and I do not like it. I want to be positive. ..it’s just not happening naturally right now! !

    • #30612
      micky
      참가자

      Hi Andrea being positive or negative it doesn’t really matter , if you feel positive say it if you feel negative say so the last thing you want to do is bottle any negative thoughts up. Above all be honest which you can be on here no-ones going to shout at you or put you down , were all cg’s on here remember. And remember any advice you get you can take or leave . M. 🙂

    • #30613
      andrea6054
      참가자

      You are a kind person. ..I can tell that by the comments you leave for me. I used to be kind. …but now I’m a selfish b*tch…
      Looks like we’re about the same age. …so I totally understand that your goal is to be debt free for your retirement. .. I would love the same. ….it’s going to take me years upon years to get out of the financial mess I so readily threw myself into. ..
      Here’s to both of us collecting our pensions with a clear conscience!
      Andrea

    • #30614
      micky
      참가자

      Hi Andrea if your debts are out of control like mine were (still are ) call Step change they are a free debt management company they will advise you and help you manage, budget , prioritise your debts etc. M.

    • #30615
      andrea6054
      참가자

      Thanks. …I will. …though since I set up a debt management programme with another company a year or so ago. …I’ve managed to borrow more. ….much more. ..To be honest I actually have no idea how much I owe companies. …never mind individuals. ….
      Guess I’ll just have to start opening the post! !!
      The table it’s sitting on is about to collapse! !

    • #30616
      micky
      참가자

      I know it isn’t easy but we have to start somewhere open all that post , get it all wrote down ( don’t leave anything out ) and ring stepchange , i was also with another debt management company but at least stepchange are free. Even if you can’t face doing it all at once , do a little at a time. You will get there. M. 🙂

    • #30617
      kin
      참가자

      I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
      ( Roman 7:18)

      Realized I am not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.
      ( 8 principles based on the beatitudes by Pastor Rick Warren )

      We Admitted that we were powerless over our gambling, that our lives had become unmanageable.”
      GA ~ Step One

      Dear Andrea,
      Principle 1 Prayer
      Dear GOD, Your Word tells me that I cannot heal my hurts, hang ups and habits by just saying that they are not there.
      Help me! Parts of my life, or all of my life, is out of control.
      I now know that I cannot “fix” myself.it seems the harder I try to do the right thing the more I struggle.
      Lord, I want to step out of my denial into the truth.
      I pray for you to show me the way. In Your Son’s name I pray, AMEN.

      With love
      Kin

    • #30618
      andrea6054
      참가자

      I AM powerless over my gambling and my life has become totally unmanageable!
      However, things do not seem so dark today. …This is only day two that I haven’t dabbled in some form or other. …but as we know. ..This is no test whatever due to lack of funds. I am still scared that if I had access to money. ..It would be gone. I’m coasting along at the moment. …In that period where the severity of it dissipates because I can’t afford to hurt myself at the moment by losing more of my life. This is a regular pattern with me. I know I have a huge massive overwhelming problem. ..yet when I can’t let it in through lack of funding. ..It seems to shrink until the next payday.
      So. ..now that I’ve been accepted for residential treatment I am definitely feeling more positive. I’ve been doing an awful lot of soul searching and thinking about various events in my life over the past day or so. Haven’t actually come to any conclusion as to why I’ve let this dreadful illness take me over completely as yet though. There’s rather a lot of past history!
      The main thing is that I’ve shocked myself!
      When I read some of the things that I have written here, I can’t quite believe that I am writing about myself! I am also shocked that since I’ve joined this site I’ve logged on and written something everyday. ..I did have a nagging doubt in my mind that it would dwindle and I’d give up!
      But I haven’t. …and it’s my determination this time that is shocking me!
      I haven’t got that voice telling me I’ll find a way to wriggle out of this mess myself. …and see nothing ahead but a black hole of despair. ..
      I’ve well and truly thrown my hands up in surrender. I cannot do it alone. I’m grateful I’m getting much needed help.
      The bf has paid my mortgage arrears. …so the house is safe for the moment. Repossession was due this week….
      He told me on Saturday this was the last time he would ever help me financially. ..I said good. …that’s the way it has to be. ..otherwise I’ll fall back into the trap of assuming somehow I, or someone else, will always get me out of the messes I create.
      Well I’ve excelled myself this time and created the mother of all messes….
      I’ve got to make sure it’s the last. …

    • #30619
      micky
      참가자

      Pleased for you Andrea ,you are full of positivity and well done on getting residential treatment . You have a great reason to do this a loving boyfriend and of course yourself. Your determination will inspire others as well as me 🙂 M.

    • #30620
      andrea6054
      참가자

      Thank you M….I only hope this determination stays with me.

      The next thing I’m going to have to do is tell my son. He’s going to be wondering where I’m off to next week.
      I’m in two minds whether to tell him or not. I’ve denied I had a gambling problem for so long to him, even though he has had suspicions and he’s suffered from the fallout of my disease. …he’s always been anti gambling. Now his life is going good. …he’s got a good apprenticeship and a lovely girlfriend. However the other week he told me he won 160 on a football bet, which was all well and good until the final sentence he uttered was “It was my last tenner and all! “.
      I said nothing at the time. ….but now alarm bells are ringing.
      What if he takes after me???
      So. ..probably best I come clean and at least warn him of the possible consequences of betting your last tenner on something!
      I don’t think I have any choice but to nip this in the bud now. …or try to. Another life I’ve possibly ruined. Well I know through the years of my gambling I’ve ruined a lot of his years by not being there mentally or financially whilst I’ve been gripped by this thing. Repercussions are far and wide. …
      As for the bf….it’s always been an on/off relationship over the last year or so. ….but now listen to this. ..This is why I am convinced I am mental! !
      Ok. …so he’s a very nice solid man. …not without his own emotional issues. . .His father died of a heart attack in front of him seven years ago and he has been beating himself up about not being able to save him ever since. Long time I know.
      But here’s the thing. ….Since I’ve told him about me he’s been ok about it. …In fact he’s been very understanding. …now I’m thinking to myself well he should have dumped me there and then. …He didn’t, so I’m supposing he hasn’t got the heart to do it until after next week….when maybe he thinks I can cope alone. I don’t want him to be in my life under duress and nor do I want to become emotionally dependant on him. He really hurt me last September. ..and has apologised since. …but that was one of our “off” periods. We don’t talk about that anymore!
      So, when I’m with him . ..I’m constantly thinking that he’s only with me because he could see how difficult it was for me to tell him, and he feels sorry for me now. Coupled with his guilt over last September and now this. …He might be confused! I’m assuming he is. …because I’m not very lovable at the moment. ….more emotionally needy I’d say. …and who wants that? !
      It’s patently obvious to me that I feel I don’t deserve to be loved.
      I don’t.
      And he doesn’t tell me he loves me anyway. …nor I him.
      No doubt I sound like an ungrateful bitch saying this after him helping me out, not once but twice.
      I suppose it’s a different kind of security I’m lacking.
      I don’t know.

    • #30621
      lauren05
      참가자

      Andrea, sounds like you have a very good support structure with your bf and your story is so similar to mine, including my son. My ex-bf who stood by me and helped me out and kicked me out, sent me a mail yesterday to attend his doctorate graduation next month.

      We also got to the stage where no one said I love you anymore, yet the solid pillar of strength stood by me without any emotion. Beneath he does still love you but like you, I can’t get over the incident last year when he kicked me out of his house and became abusive after I was forced to move in with him. It got to that stage and I was arrogant but still didn’t feel he should control me just because of my gambling and since I was living in his house. I never did that him when he came to stay with me and enjoyed the lovely wooded garden and space.

      He knew I had nowhere to go and would end up still staying with him but he wanted to shock me to show me he was not going to support me anymore and where gambling had got me to. But he never reckoned on me accepting defeat and the embarrassment of telling my sister who had come up for my Master’s graduation and paid to move all my things out immediately and stay with her in England. With her husband, they purchased boxes and we moved my things over 3 days to their hotel room when no one was about and took them downstairs again when the couriers came.

      It would be good if you could tell your son. My son is 22 with a lovely girlfriend too and when he was stuck for money after a terrible accident, he mentioned that he was thinking about going to the casino. I tried to explain that it was not a good choice as he knew I used to go and it could get addictive but he laughed and said no, he’ll just play with £500 and leave if that is lost…About a week ago I did tell him about the severity of my problem and let him know I’m going for treatment. He just listened and was stunned but then offered me all the support and love which broke my heart. He is a very caring child. He even said he would love us to go on holiday together to Hawaii. I couldn’t believe that cos when he got up with rebellious public boys here, he refused to go on holiday with me anymore and sulked on holiday when he was forced to go.

      I am so pleased you got into GMA, Andrea. I am also booked in next week. It threw my world upside down when I received the confirmation and I was in a stressed, anxious and sick state. It was a shock to my system as this was serious and meant I had to give up my ‘longtime’ friend for good and wasn’t sure I was ready for that.

      I still worried and thought I was strong enough to hold onto my salary this (last month, now:) month for the first time. I was stone broke for the whole month as I gambled last month’s salary the day I got paid, too. The day before I got paid this month, Vera challenged me to self exclude for LIFE while I was broke to secure my salary. She got me at the right moment and I asked myself, yes why not, something I refused to do no matter who I tried to control my gambling.

      I went online and did it. The immense relief, ecstatic and triumphant feeling I had was second to none. I felt so good that I knew 100% of my salary was safe for the first time. I’m broke again but at least I know that my money has gone out on bills and not on gambling. So, I’m one step closer to my summit……

      Your beautiful, loving, kind nature is still there inside you, Andrea. It’s covered by dearth, undergrowth and piles of debris from the years of gambling. And you will become you again. I find that I have no strength, power or control over my gambling addition. Nothing or no one can stop me or stand in my way. I am an online slots addict who gambled every day all night long till my money ran out, winnings the lot.

      I didn’t have any inner strength. That’s when I turned to God and asked for His help as He made me and knows how I am wired and asked Him to undo this ugly me I’d become. I felt a new kind of strength. I didn’t have the guilt and remorse feeling hanging over me and I felt loved the morning after. But I still didn’t give it up and used to pray for Him to turn my luck around and bring a big win again and then I’ll stop. But that never happened cos I could not stop, win or no win. That’s what Vera had told me.

      I prayed but still didn’t go back to church. I couldn’t face those people who saw the facade of a confident, strong independent person who had it all together. I did go yesterday, 45 minutes into the service, so I missed the worship but was there for the preaching. It was meant for me and I heard how God does a supernatural change in us when we surrender all to him and immediately removes the guilt, strongholds and addictions supernaturally. I knew that and heard it all before but it strike a chord then. I am a Christian and I always accepted my salvation through God’s grace and it is nothing we can do in our own efforts to please Him or become worthy. He accepts us just as we are with all our warts and gives us back a new, prosperous and successful future and a new beautiful person.

      But yesterday was a revelation and changed my thinking. I now know that it is about speaking and getting to know God everyday, spending time with Him and not focusing on the situation and consequences. He knows all about that and longs for us to be happy and free from bondage and when we turn to Him, He takes care of the rest. You probably know this verse well…. ‘Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things will be added unto you.’

      I am always reminded that Peter could walk on the water as long as he looked at Jesus but when he looked around him at the storm, the winds and the waves crashing in, he fell into the water. That’s what we tend to do. We focus on all the consequences and negatives of where we are and what gambling has done to us and forget about God or allow Him to take over, rather than try to make amends and do things or what we think we need to do, to make it work with our efforts. If only we had this or that amount of money to pay arrears on bills, we could come right. But we overlook the deep rooted problems we have and try to get rid of the symptom instead of the cause. God has a bigger, much better plan for us to give us a good, happy life and what we look at is nothing in the bigger scheme of things.

      Hang in there, Andrea. Stay strong and focus. Yes, you will have loads of mixed feelings and negativity that comes your way when you go to GMA; all natural feelings, fights against the pricks and mind games to steer you away and doubt yourself cos you’re taking action now. You’re fighting the ‘troll’ as Sybil puts and he is not going to take this sitting down without a big fight. You’re his main game player. But you will become that lovely beautiful person your bf fell in love with and who you really are, once the gunge is sucked out.

      Hope to see you there next week. 🙂

      Take care,
      Lauren

    • #30622
      lauren05
      참가자

      Andrea,

      Read the poem, ‘another day’ in the Poetry Corner.

      Lauren
      xxx

    • #30623
      andrea6054
      참가자

      Lauren. …I am actually overwhelmed , not only by all you wrote above, but by the time people take on this site to respond so supportively. One day when I’m better I hope I can return the favour.
      I can only think of myself and my issues. ….at the moment. ..which typifies the selfish cow I’ve become.
      If I get through this with even a modicum of success I vow now that I will do my best to support others.
      I’m off to read said poem now!
      Thanks Lauren. ..x

    • #30624
      lauren05
      참가자

      Andrea,

      That is all you need to do now. Concentrate on you for the first time. You have become someone else just like me but stop beating yourself up. It is counterproductive. Take time out for you and reflect on where you are and how you have got here.

      I’m not better off than you. I still struggling and going through the same struggles, fears and consequences as you. But there is something in us that when we get just a little bit closer or through one day we feel stronger and share that with others to help them catch up too.

      That will come naturally with you, too. You will do that automatically. We are all human and want to help each other up. I was down many a day and still go there when Vera picked me up and many others wrote on my journal and gave me the support I needed. Try watching this video. It’s not long. “Stop It” Skit by Bob Newhart. https://vimeo.com/97370236.

      You don’t have to feel you should return the favour. It will just come as you walk this journey. We only share common roads that we have walked to support you in getting there.

      Even if you only get one word from a post that helps you to stop and change your though process, it is worth every minute of sharing and giving and loving you.

      Lauren

    • #30625
      Dunc
      키 마스터

      Hey Andrea

      your line “I can only think of myself and my issues. ….at the moment. ..which typifies the selfish cow I’ve become.”

      Andrea I have really strong views on this, some folk are just selfish irrespective of gambling. Some Gamblers to continue to gamble have no option to be anything but selfish in many way,

      So if being selfish helps you overcome and suppress the addiction, is that selfish or is that using energy wisely to give you a better chance of having a life you deserve

      H

    • #30626
      andrea6054
      참가자

      Thank you Harry and Lauren. ..wise words. ..and very kind of you to take the time to write them.
      I’ve been busy most of the morning, time has gone rather quickly today. …met an old colleague for coffee this morning, had a bit of a catch up. Then home again to try and sort some finances. It didn’t go well. ..and so I’m getting irritated. For sure, if I had money I know what I’d be doing now.
      Anyway. ..I haven’t and I’m not!
      I am getting paranoid now though. …I don’t know whether it’s because I got my paperwork through for next week and it’s hit me over the head a bit, or what!
      Or maybe it’s because I’m going to attempt to tell my son this afternoon when he comes back from work, or perhaps it’s because the bf has been giving me the cold shoulder all day! The reason for this I do not know! I think maybe the initial feelings he had of sympathy and protectiveness have turned into “Jeez, do I want to be stuck with this issue for the rest of my life! ” But maybe fears he couldn’t dump me until after next week in case it sent me right over the edge. He went to bed early last night because he was “tired”….so this morning I just asked out straight. .”Are you planning on dumping me after next week? “. The response was “No”….but it didn’t ring true to me.
      Oh well! This could of course be “all in my head”, but when you don’t get a single text message all day. ..you kinda know there’s something up!
      All of this is leading to frustration and irritation! Why can’t these people just say one way or the other? !!
      God dammit! !

    • #30627
      lauren05
      참가자

      Andrea, so much going on and having to deal with before you go. I went into a flat spin when I received my letter. All kinds of thoughts, insecurities and doubts went through my head.
      Don’t become anxious about the relationship. He may not know how to deal with it, too. He certainly won’t be comforting you. My ex was the same. They’ll just keep quiet and are also trying to come terms with it but don’t interpret it or doubt what he told you. Just accept and believe it. You have enough on your plate and need to focus on you now.
      Don’t make it any harder on yourself by reading into things.
      Did you manage to speak to your son ? Holding you up in prayer.
      Lauren

    • #30628
      andrea6054
      참가자

      Thank you Lauren. …you’re a very kind person.
      Well. ..I do not know what on earth is going on in my life right now. If I didn’t know any better I’d think the end of my life is nigh ! They say your past comes back to haunt you and you make peace before you die, but whatever. .the strangest series of events has occurred over the last 24 hours that it makes me wonder! !
      So. . I decided to tell my son on Tuesday about my gambling addiction and the fact that I would be disappearing for a couple of days. He always knew I liked a gamble but not how serious it had become. To be fair to him he listened and when I’d finished he asked if that’s why we’re always “broke”….so I said yes. …then he gave me a hug and told me he was proud of me for telling him and doing something about it.
      An hour later he was snatching my phone out of my hand to see if I was “at it” again!
      I wasn’t. …I was simply popping a few pandas!
      He’s twenty, in case I haven’t mentioned that already. Anyway, we got over that and I went upstairs to watch a bit of telly. The next thing I know he’s come in the room asking me if he can change his name by deed poll!! I said what on earth are you talking about? Now, our surname is pretty long and ugly looking to tell the truth. . .so when he tells me he’s always hated it I can see where he’s coming from, because I’ve always hated it myself! I was adopted into it and it was always a source of embarrassment to me too, plus it sounds nothing like it looks, so it’s always mispronounced wherever you go. But he says he’s thinking ahead and when he gets his own van it’ll be too long, look awful and cost a fortune in sign writing!
      Well. ..I had to laugh at that one. Off he goes again busying himself with cooking up some protein shake or something.
      I’m still playing Panda Pop when he’s “back in the room” ! This time he tells me that he wants to meet his dad. His dad and I split up when I was pregnant and neither of us have seen him since. Though through some research I was able to get a mobile number for him six months ago which I passed onto my son but when he contacted him he told my son he doubted he was his and that he had “nothing to offer” him at the moment and that he’d give it some thought!
      Like I say. ..that was six months ago and not a peep since, clearly because I was so wrapped up in my gambling I hadn’t realised how much this had been bothering my son. I told him I’d try and establish communication with his father for him.
      Then. …remember I said I thought the bf was acting a bit strange? So Tuesday evening he “forgets ” to pick me up, which he normally does on his way home as he passes my house. I was kind of expecting it and was getting even more paranoid when about an hour later he texts me to say dinner in the oven, come round when ready. So I did! Absolutely nothing was mentioned by him about his forgetfulness and I couldn’t be bothered making an issue out of it. ..so it was left.
      Well that was Tuesday night. ….
      Wednesday brought a whole heap of fresh issues!
      Unbelievable and you couldn’t make it up!
      I came to this country in 1988 from Ireland. I had a six year old daughter at the time. I won’t go into all the horrible times we went through when we first came over, but they were none too pleasant. After about a year I met some Irish girls and stayed with them for a while. ….and in the meantime started a relationship with their brother which came to a rather unpleasant ending emotionally, not physically. I’ve never been in a physically abusive relationship. That all happened in about 1989/90.
      Yesterday……guess who tracks me down on Facebook? Him! !!
      That brought back some buried memories.
      So there I am still reeling from the shock of the above when the next thing I know my ex boss texts me to say he’s passing my way and did I want a fag. ….We used to chat a lot in the smoking shelter at work. So that brought back memories.
      Memories, memories.
      We’re in the afternoon now. …another text. Didn’t recognise the number. It was telling me that they were driving down the road I used to live on when I lived in London and how it was still a shit hole and nothings changed. Who the fkn hell is this I thought to myself! So I said I don’t know who you are, but rather you than me! When he told me who he was I was floored again!
      In 1993/94 I fell in love with a Greek waiter who worked in a wine bar near to my office in London. It was him! !!
      This was getting bizarre. Three blasts from the past in one day!
      My son comes home from work wanting me to start working on getting his dad to meet him. That would be the fourth.
      I did get in touch with him. …that’s a whole other story. He’s not very “forthcoming” shall we say as he now has a family which know nothing of me and my son. I told him we weren’t interested in money (as I’ve never once bothered with him or the CSA for a penny), or disrupting his new family, but that all his son wants to do is shake hands and have a pint with his father and get the “wonder what he’s like” thing out of his head. So. ..we’re going to have to wait and see on that one!
      If ever there was a day that would have driven me to gamble it would have been yesterday!!!!

    • #30629
      Liberty
      참가자

      I have been reading your journal and wanted to say that I think that you have done an amazing thing by telling your son about the true extent of your gambling problem, you should feel very proud of yourself, I think it is even harder to tell our children simply because we feel we must stay high on the pedestal of parenthood, and the worry about the burden that we feel we can not pass to them since we are ‘the parent’ and not the child. You say you been playing some panda game, I used to spend hours playing candy crush until I realised that when I was not gambling I was using that as a replacement so it kind of kept the compulsive gambling alive, so I no longer play any games since I become compulsive on those too, just my experience. 🙂
      I know all about the piles of unopened letters, it took me four months to get the courage to open mine and have recently got debt help from step change. Gambling for me at this stage frightens the life out of me as I know I can’t stop once started so I have no access to online gambling, the urges are there at times, sometimes extremely strong but due to the blocking of access I am safe for me at the moment it is the only way.
      I am glad that you are going on the residential next week, I attended that too you will get a lot of help and learn new strategies and reasons as to why you gamble, I will be praying and thinking of you all next week its a beautiful place I wish I could gate crash.
      You are doing well Andrea, to not gamble with all that happened yesterday is fantastic, you can have a better life, life is not about money, we born with none we leave with none its the love and life we lead that counts and we can all live a good moral life without gambling, it’s not easy but anything worth having never is. Take good care of yourself Andrea

    • #30630
      andrea6054
      참가자

      Liberty, thank you. I know, you are right. ..I do use other games as a substitute. …In fact it’s the exact same habit /pattern. …like a ritual. ..prepare myself, make a cup of tea. ..settle down and then blow everything!
      Today has been relatively drama free! Touch wood!
      I’ve also read your story. …there’s a lot of similarities! !!
      Here’s to a happy life for both of us. ….eventually!

    • #30631
      lauren05
      참가자

      Andrea,
      Talk about your past visiting you but all in one day! Couldn’t believe as I read your post it just got worst like what more could hit you. It never rains, it pours.

      So happy that you stayed grounded and didn’t turn to gambling, only cos you self excluded. You were so strong. Well done, Andrea.

      So good you took the moral high ground with your bf and there you see he invited you for dinner. My son is 23 now but would’ve reacted the same as yours if he was with me. They really mean well and want to help. They’re so innocent in their thinking but had to laugh at his reason behind the name change. Just hope that your son’s father gets back to at least meet with him. He’s still his father and owes it to him.

      My father always warned me to make amends with my ex as when he got older, he would go looking for him and may leave me to stay with his father. They need that role figure in their life. Fortunately my brothers and father played that role for my son.
      Glad today went better.
      Just put down that blinkin’ panda ! Lol !

      Lauren

    • #30632
      vera
      참가자

      If all these things had happened while you were gambling, Andrea, you probably wouldn’t have noticed.
      When we discard our crutches we begin to feel again.
      Where is your daughter now?

    • #30633
      andrea6054
      참가자

      Thank you Lauren and Vera,
      Vera. …you’re probably right. …I’ve shut an awful lot out over the years. …and maybe I wouldn’t have noticed. …
      My daughter lives with her boyfriend now. …I had her when I was very young. Long story.

    • #30634
      andrea6054
      참가자

      OMG. ….well I’ve been busy with the grandchildren for the last two days. …amongst other things.
      No money to gamble. …so haven’t done so!
      Suddenly felt overwhelmed with emotion and wanted to cry, but stopped myself. …This time tomorrow I’ll be on the train to residential treatment. …I’m scared, anxious, glad, curious and a whole host of other feelings. I cannot believe I’ve got to this stage in my life!
      This afternoon I shall be packing some things in readiness for the next four days. …I’m really hoping that this experience sets me back on the right track. …I’m ready for it!

    • #30635
      micky
      참가자

      Well done on going ,i think it will be the best train journey you have made in your entire life. Good Luck . Micky. X

    • #30636
      velvet
      중재자

      Hi Andrea
      Your ‘all-over-the-place’ feelings are only natural.
      Take a book or a magazine onto the train to divert yourself – you probably won’t take much in but the journey will hopefully pass quicker. I drove my CG to the GMA programme nearly 9 years ago and it is a journey I am sure he remembers well – I know I do. It was the best thing that he and I have ever done but it would not be truthful to say the journey wasn’t a bit nerve-racking. However the effort is so worth while.
      Take everything they offer, be determined and you will do fine. You will be in my thoughts tomorrow and in the forthcoming days.
      Best wishes
      Velvet

    • #30637
      vera
      참가자

      Are you still in GMA, Andrea?
      I haven’t seen a post from you or Lauren lately. I take it you were both attending the same Group?
      Dying to hear how it went!

    • #30638
      andrea6054
      참가자

      Hi Vera!
      Thank you for thinking about us and inquiring as to how we got on!
      I can safely tell you that it was the best thing that’s ever happened me! So far so good! I couldn’t post sooner for some reason, and I have so much to write, but I haven’t got time now. I will tomorrow!
      Suffice to say. …I’m a different person now! Standby for the details tomorrow! !!

    • #30639
      vera
      참가자

      Great news Andrea!
      Looking forward to reading your update.
      Be good!

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