Stepping into the year 2024. I have gained one more year of knowledge and experience walking on this road less travelled.
In the past, I have attended all the face to face meetings, tried a few recovery program, speak to doctor, counsellor, mentor, sponsor, set up my deterrence barriers… I used to run more than 3 km every day. I learn to read the big book, basic text and the bible, I learn to pray and meditate, I reach out to other because they say you have to give away to keep what you have in recovery and more…
I still slip and relapse. It only means that I was not doing something properly, so I do it differently the next time, it was not good enough, I slip and relapse again.
After so many years, it only makes me doubt myself, lose my confidence, develop fear, worry and condemn myself more. I stop but could not stay stop. Am I really completely hopeless?
Many things I do help me to develop self- discipline, gain more strength in willpower and self-control but the real acid test comes when I cannot find the same power and strength to resist the temptation in the tug of war; stay still and calm in the storm. I did not know what happen and what hits me?
I did not know that my willpower and self-control can become less power and weaker if I did not take proper self-care. It was like a car, you used up the fuel, you run out of power.
This explain my weakness and vulnerability on some days when I did not have enough rest and sleep, when I was fasting, when I was having stress, when I was unwell, sick, drained, exhausted and tired.
Stay focus on today in the journal was so powerful. It has help me make sure I was discipline enough to get enough sleep, eat properly, identify and recognized the presence of new stress at different time to manage them properly.
This journey was not a straight forward and simple one. They say the solution was a spiritual one. I need work on my spirituality, spiritual principles and spiritual discipline on this road.
The road map is getting clearer now.
One day at a time.