It’s not sad or pathetic to choose to stand by someone you love, it’s just the way it is. Well done on beginning to look after you and also for coming back. Stick with the forum even if it does from time to time appear that things have improved, knowledge is something you will need to give yourself the best chance of seeing this through.
An active addiction will almost certainly dictate what happens financially and it is of little surprise that he spent money which was put aside for something else. An active CG cannot be trusted to handle money, prevention is better and I would suggest that any money that you are saving for joint things is kept by you or this will keep repeating until he finds recovery. Many people who want help give up their finances to others to handle as a barrier to gambling but he seems quite away off seeking help. It is quite unlikely that he will in fact save up for anything and that his answer is to gamble a little bit more – chase his losses. Asking you to trust him, sounds like manipulation to me, as I’m sure you found out.
I’m sure he did want to come home after losing the money and for what its worth I feel you did the right thing in not immediately allowing this.
Dictating what you do comes in many forms. The fact that you question your own responses or conceal your own hurt is being dictated to. It is the living in fear of saying, doing the wrong thing – not wanting to make things worse or constantly wondering how you can make things better – walking on egg shells etc etc.
The fact is what you do, can neither make him gamble or make him stop gambling. It is his choice alone which way he goes. It feels like its both of your problems but in reality the problem is his alone and only he can address it. The aftermath however is the bit that you share. You can support from the side lines but you cannot take on something that is not actually yours or within your control as your own.
Consequences of his actions and enough of them are what may lead him to believe that he has a problem. Yes he let himself down but he did let you down and he hurt you – consequences of his actions, don’t pretend otherwise to him it only serves to keep him in denial.
I’m not suggesting you launch into a major lecture (as tempting as that can be !) but that you don’t down play the impact that his gambling also has on you.
Its good that he is talking to you, but ideally it would be nice to see some action. If you put the words on one side what is he actually doing about it, seeking help or putting barriers in place ? or just talking a good show until the next time.
He may well want to keep you but it’s also worth asking yourself whether its also you being frightened of losing him and if so – why ?
Keep working on looking after you and think about what your own boundaries in all of this are going to be.
You are doing well, keep posting
Jenny