Can i just say that what you are going through is temporary and things change.. you can turn your life around. Break things into small pieces, break your day down into manageable chunks. Fill your time with things other than gambling, and other than thinking about not gambling..
Fake it till you make it, just start doing things, you might not enjoy them at first but that is temporary too.. gambling messes with our minds, its just the addiction it stuffs our way of thinking up.. you can do this Maverick. It doesnt matter if you have relapsed its getting back up, moving forward and putting things in your day that help you not hinder you..
Put blocks on your computers, ban from places you gamble at, give someone else your money, have just what you need for the day, a coffee, lunch, travel etc..
Reach out to everyone you can.. find every source of help you can.. if you get those thoughts of suicide, tell people.. not just here, but in real life face to face go and talk to the doctor, get to a hospital, ring your counsellor, talk to friends and family, get it out and onto paper.. but do not think and think on it.. i have had people commit suicide in my life.. its not pretty for the ones left behind.. it devastates their life for the rest of their lives.. always asking what if i did this, how i could have helped more.. it leaves a scar on so many people.. forever. Suicide is not an option just scrap that one.. you can go to rehab eventually, check yourself into psychiatric hospital if you have to but do not do nothing about it..
Your situation is changeable it doesnt have to stay this way..
do you know how many years i have relapsed for? many many many.. just get back up and continue on, dont worry about days gamble free just dont gamble for this day.. today. Dont gamble for this hour.. make it impossible for yourself to gamble.. if you cant ban give someone your cash, your cards, get them to monitor your accounts, to dish out money when you need it.. would that be worse than feeling how you are right now.. if you dont have money you cant gamble.. ban everywhere you can.. keep going to meetings, go to more if you can.. just sit and listen if you have to.. its a safe place to go with people who get where you are.. tell your counsellor honestly how you are feeling.. honestly..
We are here for you Mav, you need to be here for you too.. there are many people who care about you.. give yourself a chance at recovery
P