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  • This topic has 205 replies, 17 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by kin.
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    • #47838
      jen3
      Participant

      Maybe some of you will remember me, maybe not. It’s been a long long long time since I last posted. I do stop and read occasionaly.  Very proud of many of you. It’s been the same old roller coaster ride for me….. I have had a gambling problem for 25 years or so.. well if I am honest I suppose most of my life.  I am a chronic relapser who lost well over a few million. I stoped counting years ago. As most if you know I lost a lot more than money,,,,, time,health, sanity etc etc.  I have also had a lot of gamble free time over the years but I always seem to make up for in in a very short time.  Example I was Just shy of 90 days when I relapsed a few days ago. The relapse,,,,, “I can do this, I will be careful, I will stay away from slots, only play cards”. No such thing as a compulsive gambler being careful.  I lost almost 5000.00, more time, (36 hours straight) more health etc..  Always the same results….  devastation, desperation, the racing thought, the feelings of hopelessness.   Than I get back up with Gods help , of course and start the recovery process again.. I can not fail this time. I just can’t…. I have not clue what I will do different to prevent another relapse. I know the basics..  however the addiction always seems to fool me after gambling free time. I forget about the misery and ”off to the races i go”. My plan…. pray for Gods guidance, to give me strength, to find the right Counslor and the right CR meetings. (They help me more than GA.) I am also going to write 5 bad gambling memories a day until I run out.  (I will be busy for quite some time.) Pray, read, write, come here often.  This time when things get better as they always do I am not Going to let my mind take me to the place “I do not need this anymore” I will always need this. Gambling is my Poison. I refuse to take anymore. .  PLEASE God give me the strength.  All things are possible through Jesus Christ!!!!!!!  

    • #47839
      vera
      Participant

      I remember you, Jen! Of course I do! So sorry to hear you have gambled again. Sometimes there seems to be no way out. The good news is, that every day we say no to the temptation to gamble, the better life will be. I could have written every word in your post. I had 27 G free months and chose to exchange my freedom and savings for misery and poverty. How crazy is that.
      I believe that it is only by God’s Grace that we will overcome this demon that possesses us. God , of course has given us free will which he expects us to bring in line with His Will, for our happiness and salvation.
      Greed plays a big part in my gambling.
      “We have succeeded in life when all we really want is ONLY what we really need.”
      I hope and pray for a brighter future for you and all here , Jen.
      Back to the drawing board. We have all the tools. We just need a revision course on how to use them, one day at a time.
      God bless!

    • #47840
      jen3
      Participant

      I checked in here from time to time Vera mostly to follow your success. I am very envious of your 27 months!! I am also very proud of you. You did it before you can do it again. This time I hope we can do it together. I wish nothing but the best for us all.

    • #47841
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hello Jen Welcome back and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

      Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

      Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

      As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

      And on that note….

      I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

      Take care

      The Gambling Therapy Team

      PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    • #47842
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 4. Ita always easy for me to stop gambling after the storm and reality sink in. What is yet to be determined is can I continue on after the clean up. God I pray. All things are possible through Christ who strengthens me.

    • #47843
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Jen and welcome back.

      The good news is that you that you can stop gambling. Yu kow the sort of thigns that help you do that.

      This time though the thing to remember is that if we need help to stop gambling then it is also important to keep using support to maintain recovery. The best way to not having to keep coming back here is……..not to leave. 🙂 Keep posting.

    • #47844
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks Charles! You are so right. I believe when things are better. ( I pray and have faith that they will be) That is the most important time to keep posting etc) 

    • #47845
      marke
      Participant

      Thanks for posting a message on my thread. We do share a lot in our stories. Let’s hope that the thing we share now is that we can stop forever.
      It can be done, we know that because we both have stopped for a period of time.
      I am finally accessing all the support I can get and will go on doing so. I have finally admitted gambling has me beat. I come on here when I feel “weak” and remind myself of why I am here.
      It is possible. Take care, I will follow your posts

    • #47846
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks Marke. I will be following and routing for you as well. I am scared because I have known for many many years that I have a problem.  Crazy how after each relapse time goes by and things get better and I jump right into the quick sand or  “stand in front of the firing squad“ as Vera would say. It’s aalmost as If there are two of me.   I have to stay active in my recovery. Meaning after 30,60 90 days is when I have to be the strongest. I have said it too many times “complacency will kick our a…..”.  On to my day 5. Going to try to live in the day and not worry about tomorrow. 

    • #47847
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 6. Been up since 3am. I was thinking yesterday ….. there really is a simple solution.. “drink the poison and slowly die” “don’t drink the poison and live”. Choose Satan’s will for my life or choose Gods will for my life” it all comes down to a simple choice….. Why have I made the wrong one for so many years?? Why am I so afraid of making the wrong choice again? Why can’t I live for today vs worry about next month, 3 months 6 months etc. I overwhelm myself with being afraid that history will someday repeat itself. I pray the ending will be different this time. “I can do all things through Christ who Strengthens me”

    • #47848
      jen3
      Participant

      Remembering why I have been an intravert on this site for so long.

    • #47849
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen, thank you for your post on my thread. yes of course i remember you.
      I have found it really hard to build up gamble free time- I usually manage to scrape through so i understand how difficult it is, and how easily and quickly progress can be lost.

      I guess we just need to accept we have to do those hard things- set up every barrier possible. i have never fully let go control of my money and even when i think i have closed every door another one will sneak in. I’m not sure how others do it -life for me is a constant battle, but they do it and we can too.

      We deserve all this money to be spent on new carpets/cars/holidays as much as anyone else.
      Why do you feel you are an introvert on the site? I don’t say very much on my journal but i do chat a lot in groups. Perhaps you could come to some- unfortunately they are a little for those trying to get a good nights sleep.

    • #47850
      jen3
      Participant

      Hi I did it! I can never seem to get on chat and or into meetings.  I am from the states so not sure if that has something to do with it….   I will keep trying. Hope I run into you on chat.  

    • #47851
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 7. I m up super early today. It’s so scary how the mind of an addict thinks. A week ago I wanted to die! I told myself I will never put myself through this crap again. Here it is a week later and I think “I will just get back my last loss and than I will quit, I will just get back half than I will stop,” blah blah blah! Seriously??? That is how I got in the mess in the first place. Chasing 700.00 cost me another 4000.00 and left me with shame,quilt, stress, racing thoughts, unhappiness etc,etc. I just can’t let the addicts brain take control anymore. I refuse to take the bait!! Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Gobble till you wobble!

    • #47852
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 9.

    • #47853
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Jen
      I am shouting to you across the ocean ‘don’t take the bait’, don’t let that ugly gambling devil called complacency pull you in, stand fast and kick him into oblivion.
      One day at a time is all any of us can or should concern ourselves with but some days will be harder than others at the start of a recovery. Maybe on a good day you could make a list of things to do in readiness for a tough day, make plans for turning a difficult day into something good, such as seeing friends and family, walking and observing nature, enjoying a favourite meal, anything that pleases you and that doesn’t cause you further pain.
      I know you can beat this problem or I wouldn’t be here writing to you. Look after your gamble-free life – it is precious – as are you.
      Velvet

    • #47854
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 10. I am a little stressed. Was supposed to got to New Orleans with some friends in a few weeks. We booked several months ago. The flight and hotel were free through Harrah’s. We planned to go and not step foot in casino.. well after thinking about it, I decided not to put myself in that position and not to go. Anyways I just got a letter confirming flight info. In the letter it states that no shows will be charged for flight and room no matter what excuse I have. I wonder how they will charge me when they do not have my bank info??? Does anyone know what will happen??

    • #47855
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen
      Is Harrah’s a casino? Could u contact them and say you are addicted to gambling and have just started a recovery programme . Say you have no money to pay them and see if they are understanding? Failing that perhaps a charitable organisation might contact them in your behalf .

      Sorry I can’t be of more help Jen.

    • #47856
      jen3
      Participant

      Thank. I did it. I will try that. Part of me really wants to go and stay away from the casino. The other part knows I will be asking for trouble.  It makes Me mad that I have to stay away from one of my favorite cities.   Do you have any suggestions as to what you meant by charitable organizations???

    • #47857
      DanielleCH
      Participant

      Hi Jen,

      I’m happy to see you made it through the first week. For me, that was the worst part. Not the hardest – just the emotionally the worst part.

      Hopefully the darkness of your relapse has faded by now and you’re feeling normal again.

      I can relate to what you’re saying about being fooled by the addiction after having gamble free time. I sometimes try to convince myself, that since I have been able to control my urges and not gamble for this long, I should be able to gamble just a small amount and control that too. Nope.

      We stop gambling because we cant gamble like other gamblers. The ONLY option for a compulsive gambler is to stop completely – there is no other way.

      Good luck!

    • #47858
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks Danielle! Yup the fog has lifted. As you know that’s both good and bad…… I try to convince myself of all sorts of things. I have to take my mind back to why I am here and why I keep coming back after all these years. If nothing changes, than nothing changes. I hope  you are doing well.

    • #47859
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen
      I’m not sure what is available where you live but we would have church groups and other organisations which could help like citizens advice. I hope you get sorted xx

    • #47860
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks I did it.

    • #47861
      Monica1
      Participant

      Thanks for your post on my thread. I know what you mean. I lost,***** of the times I relapsed, once after 9 months abstinence after my first stint at Gamcare. I did hit rock bottom and got quite ill, was unemployed and about to lose my home. I had very little choice but to quit and I have never regretted it. There is no big win. Money became meaningless until I had none. I was 4 months in recovery but still very sick when I did the gma programme and had to opt out of some of that owing to being unwell. So,I have been through the wringer with gambling. It took everything including my soul. That’s how bad it was.
      But, when we seek support and admit we are powerless over gambling and a higher power can restore us to sanity, for me very slowly, and it was slow, just so I really got the message, things began to change for the better. I am now one year and nearly four months clear. The big debts are still there but I am not broke, my relationships have improved, I value life, the money I have which will no longer feed the slot machines.
      You are doing well Jen. Keep seeking support and make that decision, can you carry on the way you were? I could not if I wanted to live and recover a life. The addiction was progressive. It will,just take and take from us. Recovery is progressive to and led in me, at 61today, to a spiritual renewal. It is never too late to say yes to life and good choices.

    • #47862
      jen3
      Participant

      Thank you for your words Monica1. I am powerless and do believe my higher power can restore me to sanity. I just get in his way too often. Hopefully this is the time.

    • #47863
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 13. That actually sounds comical when it should be day 7300 or something like that. Oh well, I keep trying and eventually it will stick. Believing this is the time. “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.

    • #47864
      jen3
      Participant

      Ugggh! I brought this up before but it has me full of anxiety today. 4-5 months back Harrah’s’s Casino In New Orleans invited me and a guest on “free” trip to New Orleans (flights, room, transportation). I invited a my friend. We planned on going because we love the city but we had plans to stay out of casino….. than she asked her sisters. They booked their own flights but I was able to get them a room. Well last week I decided I just can’t go. I would be putting myself in the danger zone. Anyways I told my freind and she understood and we were going to just make up an excuse as to why I could not go at the last minute. No plans to tell her sisters. Anyways the casino charges for airfare and room to no shows. Not sure how. They do not have my bank info but I suppose they can bill me. Well today I decided to just call and tell the casino the truth. Well they told me since I am the primary guest if I canceled than the trip would be canceled. The others could not stay. I told them I will just call back.. ugggh! Any advise?? I want to go but I know it will end up in disaster. Someone told me to go and do other things. Easier said than done. I just want to crawl under a rock. Maybe I should just book a room for them somewhere else and pay for it but than this “free trip will have costed me over a 1000.00 without even going. If I do go it will most likely end up costing way more. Uggggh! Never meant for this chaos.

    • #47865
      vera
      Participant

      Jen, if I were in your situation I would put my own recovery first. I would call that casino again. Tell them you are a compulsive gambler and that you will not be going on this trip. The onus should not be on you to make alternative arrangements for any extra guests so it’s up to them to contact those guests. Tell them they will be wasting their time billing you since you have been cleaned out of funds due to gambling. Tell them they can contact your solicitor if they have any further questions. Remind them that they have a duty of care to their customers and insist that they made no further contact with you. Over and out!

    • #47866
      jen3
      Participant

      That’s why I love you Vera. You tell it like it is. Now all I need is God to give me the strength to do exactly what you said and let what happens happen.

    • #47867
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 14. Time flies. I called the casino yesterday and left a message. Still waiting to hear back. I also sent an email basically saying what Vera suggested. To be honest I did not want to. The gambler in me still wanted to go and did not want to “close the door all the way”. I do feel relief now that I did. I know that if I want to live a better life I have to cut out all the crap that leads me on the destructive path of gambling. I need to ignore those messed up thoughts that tell me “just do it, be careful, it will be fun blah blah blah. Sick and tired of being sick and tired….. Gambling…….. what a waste of life! Even as I say that I still want to. I hope that changes someday.

    • #47868
      vera
      Participant

      Did you get any reply from the Casino. Jen?

    • #47869
      jen3
      Participant

      Nothing. I am going to call again tomorrow and than that will be it. Glad I emailed at least there is a paper trail that I tried to let them know what is going on.

    • #47870
      vera
      Participant

      Good for you, Jen. The guy who started a thread to warn us off about casino corruption confirms what we know already so don’t feel threatened or anxious. He is blowing the lid off the Gambling Industry (for some reason). These guys are out to get you. Ruthless so call their bluff and don’t let them inveigle any more money from you. When you mention the law, it softens their cough! see it through. You are only a number to them. They can’t touch your account or bill you for anything.

    • #47871
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 15. Got paid today. Went and got cashiers checks. Paid my bills. Paid extra to car payment and a double payment to a debt and got cashiers check for extra to give “my other 1/2 “to hold on to till next year. The extra he is sitting on is for saving or emergency never to go directly back to me. Of course I wanted to use the money to try and make more. We all know how that works. The last time I tried that it put me 4800 behind. (Not to mention all the chaos of chasing) I am relieved yet sick to my stomach knowing everything I paid out should really be money to save. Can’t go back in time just forward. I wish I could just get over my last screw up. Ugggh! Makes me sick thinking about what almost 5k could do. In reality that’s nothing compared to all the money I pissed away over the years. I got a response from the Casino. It was an email that said “your trip per offer has been canceled” I will assume that is it and I will not be billed since they did not say anything about it. God I hope that’s the end of it. I still have to tell one of my friend who still plans to go that she is out of luck and will have to book her own trip if she still wants to go with the others we asked. I can’t worry about that. It’s not like she paid in the first place. I still feel bad but it is what it is. My head is already planning for the next pay. God give me the strength to do the same thing. I am not wrecking another Christmas due to gambling. Already done shopping but I do not want to be around family during a gambling hangover. A day at a time, a check st a time.

    • #47872
      kathryn
      Participant

      Just read through your thread, I am so so happy that you put you and your recovery first with that casino offer and that they have cancelled the trip. I cant imagine them trying to chase you for the cost anyway, they would just offer it to some other poor soul and it would be too much work for them. They have plenty of other gamblers to target!
      I had a few terrible Christmases due to gambling hangovers. There isn’t a worse feeling in the world, trying to be cheerful, knowing what you’ve done, not being able to focus on the now, it is absolutely not worth it.
      You’ve got this. Just remember the feeling of that first post.
      Love K xxx

    • #47873
      jen3
      Participant

      Thank you for your post Kathryn! I remember you from many years ago. You are doing Great! I hope to say the same for myself someday.

    • #47874
      jen3
      Participant

      It’s day 16. I want nothing more than to plop myself in front of a slot machine or belly up to a card table. Not going to happen. I have plans with my son. Actually I never really gambled on the weekends he is with me and not by his dads… there is always later next week/weekend. However I have less than 300.00 till next pay and I will not go without a bigger bank roll. That way I have more to loose chasing losses. How crazy is that? . I know that if I really wanted to go to casino, i unfortunately have other ways to get money. I banned myself from a casino close to home so the two hour drive to another one does help as a deterrent. I banned myself 5 times from the casino near me. They do not offer lifetime bans only one year. I must have the record on self bans at that casino in one lifetime. I have to keep reminding myself of how I felt just a few weeks ago. Driving 2 hours to get home after being up for 36 hours. The tears, the regret, the shame, the fear of what’s to come, the racing thoughts… you know, the good ole hangover. Did I mention I looked like hell because I am a smoker but very occasional, however while gambling I chain smoke than my skin looks like I was dragged face down across cement. . Do I really want to feel that way again??? Never! At least not today.

    • #47875
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen ,
      None of us look pretty after a gambling binge – the darting intense eyes which suspect that everyone is judging is , the internal dialogue of why didn’t I cash out, why didn’t i stop depositing , why didn’t I set limits , the adding and subtracting of money to try to survive until payday , the lack of sleep,the dehydration as we forget to stop to drink – so many reasons why we look so awful.

      That was our past – our present is that we are both gamble free and doing the things to keep us that way .
      Can you ban from the casino which is two hours away ? It would remove some of the temptation?

      Jen we are here and doing ok- have a lovely weekend with your son xx

    • #47876
      vera
      Participant

      Jen, you have just written the best description of a gambling hangover, imaginable! If we were mugged, assaulted, raped or tortured, we would be reporting it to the police, yet we deprive ourselves of our most basic rights -peace of mind, sleep, food, fresh air ( even use of the toilet, sometimes)by confining ourselves to one position in a windowless, timeless zone with mechanical pickpockets, with full knowledge that our “fun” will ALWAYS end in tears, Like you, I always bring huge wads of notes to the casino . (No point in going with small sums because the addiction is insatiable) I remember once, years ago, driving a round trip of over a hundred miles, late at night when I ran out of “ammunition” , remembering I had a stash at home because I was convinced the machine I was playing was about to pay out! Banning yourself from casinos is a great deterrent. It can only be done verbally where I live. I did ban from my 2 comfort zones in 2008 and never set foot there since. Pride prevented me from losing face. Thanks for posting to my thread. I will reply there. Enjoy your son when you still have time. You never know how he will turn out. I can’t believe that my son has cut himself off from his parents. Abandonment has a strange effect.

    • #47877
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks for the advise i-did-it, there are several casinos in all different directions, each ~ 2 hours away. As silly as it sounds I would not waste the numerous drives to go ban myself from all of them. Plus It would be a waste of time because they are all so big and do not enforce the ban.  I know that if I was not banned from my local casnino I would have had several more screw ups than I had over the past several months. 

    • #47878
      jen3
      Participant

      Vera, I remember a few times, years ago making the 2 hour round trip (4 hours). to chase my looses, knowing like you I was going to win my money back. Ugggh the wasted days of driving back and forth never to win anything, only to loose more. Good God the torture we have let ourselves endure. I have often thought about you saying “ placing the first bet, you might as well stand In front of a firing squad” (something like that) I can’t tell you how many times i’ve Heard the words but still…. “off to the races” only to walk out thinking “why did I not listen to those words.. oh well all we can do is dust off and keep on trying right?? It really is as easy as surrending to God but that Damm devil has such a foot hold. The good news we can still break free and not give him another foot hold.

    • #47879
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 18. I know, no big deal but I am posting it because I am trying to keep active here. Trying to keep reminding myself that I am here for a reason and not let my mind take me to “I do not need this, it’s a waste of time, I can stay away from gambling without help” Most of all trying to stay away from “I am better, I can gamble, it will be fun, I will be careful, I can use the extra money, (extra money hahahaha.)

    • #47880
      jen3
      Participant

      A little bummed out today because not going to NO on Thursday with my girlfriends But relived it all worked out from them and I will not have to come back adding and subtracting numbers trying to figure out my losses. Even if we did not gamble I would be doing a lot of eating and drinking and just come home heavier. One less thing to worry about. 🙂

    • #47881
      vera
      Participant

      If a vacation is going to bring stress, then it is not a vacation. Well done on resisting the temptation, Jen. It could have caused a major set back. Being in a gambling environment is not good in early recovery or at any time. It might cause a delayed reaction. Just focus on today. Tomorrow/next week/payday/Christmas will come and go. Making plans for the future can help us but plans sometimes go awry.Today is all we have to deal with.

    • #47882
      jen3
      Participant

      You are right Vera. I waste a lot of time on the future when all we really have is today. I hope you are doing well??

    • #47883
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 20… urges and thoughts on and off. Trying to keep it simple and just think “gambling is not an option for me” As most of us know that is not as easy as it sounds. In any case I will make it through the day. I have my second appointment with a therapist this morning. I like her but it’s too early to know wether or not I will stick it out or keep searching for the right fit for me. Afterwards I have a few errands, than working from home.

    • #47884
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 21. Been a stressful week so far. Everything and anything is going wrong. Makes me want to throw my hands up say screw it and go gamble. Yeah that will help it will Help make things worse. Today is a new day. I am going to think positive and try not sweat the small stuff.

    • #47885
      vera
      Participant

      There is NOTHING more stressful, than gambling, Jen.
      When things go wrong, the thought of gambling to “put things right” crops up.
      Strangely, when things “go right” we also think we should gamble to “celebrate”.
      Catch 22.
      The reality is , we CANNOT gamble because we are Compulsive Gamblers who destroy our lives when we succumb to the temptation.
      Keep a cool head, Jen. God is on your side. He won’t abandon you if you surrender to His Will.
      Deep breaths!

    • #47886
      jen3
      Participant

      Very true! Nothing more stressful than gambling. It’s crazy how we convince ourselves it will make us feel better at times when in reality it always makes EVERYTHING worse.

    • #47887
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen,
      Thank you for your post on my thread .
      I seem to be posting a huge amount – I am finding it quite difficult to keep dismissing the urges – even as I look at the time I realise I could just make it to bingo !

      Hope your week is a little less stressful -we can do this !

    • #47888
      jen3
      Participant

      It’s only 3:00 in the morning on Friday here. I just woke up. Can’t seem to fall back asleep. A little irritated because my girlfriends in NO sent me some pics on Facebook. I know (i hope) they do not mean anything bad by it BUT come on I am sad enough that I can not be there so why rub it in. At the same time I am glad I am not ther because I know in the end I would of lost a fortune. I will go back someday but with my other 1/2 who does not gamble and would keep me away from casino. Day 22. I will not gamble today. I am glad I am banned from the local casino or I most likely would have caved by now. I want to gamble but I do not want to experience the fall out. I am really starting to fear the end result and that’s a good thing. Today I will surrender my will to God,

    • #47889
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      This addiction does suck! I quit smoking, really modified my way of eating, have lost weight but this gambling addiction keeps kicking my butt. This is hard! You are doing great!!!! Keep going! We need to realize that we are worth a gamble free life and happiness!!!! Right???? Have a great day.

    • #47890
      jen3
      Participant

      I get it Liz! Our addiction is so hideous. Every time I relapse, I feel aweful and swear off gambling for good. If only it were that easy. I am the queen of relapse. It’s only been 3 weeks g free and at times the thoughts can be overwhelming. I hate it. We are worth a gamble free life! Eventually we will get it. You have a Great day too!

    • #47891
      vera
      Participant

      God is on your side ,Jen. There is no need for a CG to gamble. WE are intelligent beings made in God’s Image and Likeness. He gave us Free Will. Every time I gambled, I abused my Free Will. He will not intervene but we won’t be tempted beyond our capacity to resist. It’s not always easy to say no but if we place Judgement and Reason above Feelings , things will fall into place. Once we place that first bet, out judgement becomes quickly impaired and we lose control. The first bit of advice I got from Lee on GT was “Postpone the next bet”. It applies every time we think of gambling. Don’t label yourself as “The Queen of Relapse”. You are doing very well.

      Think of TODAY.

      Say NO to the G thoughts (Shout it out!)and tonight you will go to your bed with peace of mind.

      “Just for today, I will not gamble” is my mantra.

    • #47892
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Jen , I feel strangely relieved for you that you are not on that trip – I guess posting the photos is their way of keeping you involved and letting you know they miss you.
      The reason we would love to be there is probably because we would love to be propped up on a stool watching reels spin.
      You are doing so well Jen – I think I am about two weeks gamble free .

      Just think what a fabulous new year we will have . Xx

    • #47893
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks! I-did-it. One minute I am relieved one minute I am mad and or sad. I love the city, love the drinks, the food, the people watching But unfortunately I am a compulsive gambler and would most likely miss out on all those things sitting in a casino. Even if I managed to do both I know in my gut the trip would of cost me a fortune and I would be coming back miserable on Monday night (Two weeks before Christmas) We just have to keep making the right choices and seeing the good in it.

    • #47894
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen ,
      You have clearly thought this through – in a few days this experience will have ended anyway but the pain it could have inflicted would have lasted for months – especially if it ruined Christmas. You have made a really good decision here and good decisions lead to an incredible life !
      Well done Jen
      Xx

    • #47895
      jen3
      Participant

      Not feeling too good today. Self induced. Had a little too much fun yesterday and paying for it dearly. The good news though…. no thoughts of gambling at least for today.

    • #47896
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 25. Not much to say, just just happy that I have no plans to gamble at least for this week. I am sure the thoughts will come and go but the last few days have been good because I have had no thoughts at all.

    • #47897
      i-did-it
      Participant

      That’s great news Jen – hope u are feeling better after your self inflicted illness haha!
      Sometimes it is worth it though!

      Well done on your gamble free time xx

    • #47898
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks IDI. I feel better. But was just wishing I could do things in moderation. I was just sitting here thinking “many years ago I gambled maybe 4 or 5 times a week. I have not gambled that often for several years but when I do it’s a binge, same thing when I drink. I fdi not do it often but again it’s binge, than I eat like crap the next day, same thing…. I binge eat. Oh well I rather binge drink and eat than binge gamble any day mainly because it’s easy to bounce back from those binges.

    • #47899
      i-did-it
      Participant

      We are so alike Jen- I don’t take a wine – I take two bottles.
      I die the next day but binge eating can make it bearable .

      At the moment I cannot stop eating – I have Just finished a family pack of crisps and a bar of chocolate and I was a little annoyed cos my dog begged a load of my crisps lol.

      On the bright side I can afford really yummy stuff to binge eat haha.

    • #47900
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Jen the groups are on in Irish and British time .
      ( Greenwich).
      I am not sure how that corresponds to your time- I usually try todo the 10pm one .
      It would be so good if you could make it.

    • #47901
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks IDI. I finally figured it out (with your help) and planned on jumping on and darn it. I starting monkey around and by the time I looked at the clock I just missed it. Is it everyday?? Or just certain days?

    • #47902
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Jen. It is every day although the times change .
      On Mondays and Thursdays there are groups with a staff member . These used to be a lot more often but volunteers have left . Chat to you soon !

    • #47903
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 28.. not too many urges. For now I understand “gambling is just not an option for me” the thought actually makes me sick. Cause instead of thinking what I could pay or have if I won, I turn my thoughts into what I don’t have because of the of gambling. It’s not just about the money and material things, it’s about the lost time, the missing out of being present in special moments, missed opportunities a long the way etc. I went to my sons Orchestra concert last night. I got a little tearey eyed thinking about how fast time goes. I am blessed to have him as a son. He really is a good kid all the way around. I could dwell on what I do not have but today I feel overwhelming greatful even for the little things in life.

    • #47904
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Great on your gambling free time!!! It is adding up. It’s the lost memories and time that bothers me also! But look, you are living in the now and are present for your Son!!! Time does fly. Enjoy every moment with him!!!! There’s nothing better than our children except for Grandkids!!! Lol!!!! We can’t go back and change things. We can only go forward and enjoy our life’s. Have a good day!!!!

    • #47905
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Aw Jen , that’s so lovely to see your son perform .
      You are right – gambling has taken more from us than money. I remember one time being on a high (I had managed to withdraw !!) and asking my son’s teacher if it would be ok to take him out of school for a day as we were going to see the country they were studying in class (it made sense to me at the time ). Next day the money was gone again ! There have been too many similar broken promises
      I grew up with similar broken promises and I especially remember the gold ring I was getting with the engraving on it changing into a cheap plastic one – I knew something wasn’t right but I never said a word. I remember feeling disappointed – I still wonder about my special gold ring for we were many and I wasn’t often special . I would never have even thought of asking for a ring – I now realise it was almost certainly a promise made after a win. I was 6.

      OMG the things we remember. Not sure where that all came from.

      Well done – enjoy every moment – we all deserve a gamble free life .

    • #47906
      jen3
      Participant

      Tomorrow will be 30 days. Maybe my 50th 30 day mark but at least i never give up on giving up. Got paid today. Went and paid some extra money towards my car loan. I think I will have it paid off in 2 more years which is a few years early as long as I keep giving them the money vs the casino. A few bills paid and a little extra to my other 1/2 to hold on to. I still have some money but not enough to send me running to a casino. I believe I am safe from gambling at least for awhile. :). Although it’s not funny I still have to laugh. I was in the grocery store today and I put something back on the shelf because I knew I could get it a 1.00 cheaper somewhere else. The sh…t I will do to save a 1.00 yet I would throw hundred dollar bills around at a casino like they were from a Monopoly game. Uggggh what a nut!

    • #47907
      i-did-it
      Participant

      I recognise this one Jen – I wouldnt buy fruit in M andS cos it’s so much dearer (andso much better ) but I could easily buy out their whole fruit stand on what I would gamble that night.

      Now I try to buy something small every time I really consider gambling – and I have quite a lot of (cheap) new clothes and have lost that washed out look!

      Well done on paying off your car early – my car is absolutely ancient – and I don’t qualify for a car loan due to my credit rating . It is a worry as my car is hardly held together right now .

      Ah well I made this mess and I can climb out of it .

      Keep strong -and well done on your 30 days xx

    • #47908
      i-did-it
      Participant

      There’s a group now – try to get in ?

    • #47909
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen thanks for your posts on my thread . I think GA groups differ so much – and so many have started from the original AA format that one groups might work for us whole the one on the next street mat not .

      It is great to have another gamble free day – I am having my usually daily thoughts about bingo!

      It was lovely to chat to you last night
      Xx

    • #47910
      jen3
      Participant

      Great talking to you too IDI!

    • #47911
      jen3
      Participant

      Hating this day!!!

    • #47912
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Not sure what’s going on but hang in there!

    • #47913
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen
      Hope things have improved since yesterday’s post !

    • #47914
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks Liz and IDI!! Things are better. I was in one of my “f it!” moods. I started to write about why and I stoped after writing “I am hating this day”. I forgot to come back and finish and now I can not even remember why. Lol I had lots of thoughts of gambling the past few days but I just do not want to wreck yet another Christmas/New Year. I am not worried about ruining the holidays financially because everything is bought and paid for but I want to be fully present and not just going through the motions…..

    • #47915
      vera
      Participant

      ….is sad

    • #47916
      vera
      Participant

      Jen, it’s a month since you made a brave comeback here on GT.

      I just want to applaud you on your perseverance and patience and to thank you for all the support you have given to me..

      I am delighted to see you kept up your thread and kept a clean slate.

      Very well done!

    • #47917
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks Vera!! Not sure what is going on with me. I want to “rip heads off” the last few days. When ever I would have a gambling episode…. the days to follow would be first numb, than the tears, than determination to quit, than anger, than the fight not to gamble….. I have not gambled for over ~34 days and the last few days all the anxiety, stress and anger are overwhelming. Maybe my body is used to the cycle?? Maybe it’s the Holidays… I have no clue.. nothing stressful is going on yet I have all the symptoms, if that makes any sense at all.

    • #47918
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen
      Laura has posted links in the past about gambling addiction and withdrawal – people think it’s only chemical addictions that give us these symptoms – however behavioural addcitions also cause symptoms like those you describe .

      I guess in a few days it will pass – in the meantime you are doing amazingly well – and I echo what vera said – well done on getting back here and sharing .
      Maybe catch you in group soon xx

    • #47919
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Just missed you Jen

    • #47920
      jen3
      Participant

      Sorry we missed each other IDI.. what you said about the with draw makes sense. Otherwise I have no reason to experience the crazy feelings , mood swings, anxiety etc.,, strange cause I have no urges (lately). Before my last relapse 35 days ago I had almost 90 (I think, I forget) and do not remember experiencing this. Oh well hopefully the craziness turns around in a day or two.

    • #47921
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen , I guess it is also a stressful time of year and we don’t have our escape activity to distract us .
      I hope you feel more settled – this isn’t easy but so worth it!

    • #47922
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 41. Made it through Christmas. I wish I did not let little things bug me so much… some people just annoy the heck out of me. Not that I say anything to them but … reall???….Who am I to be so criticle??? I have not talked to my mom in almost a month. I doubt we will ever talk again and I am ok with that because she is toxic. I say that and I mean it yet I still feel sorry for her and continue to pray for her. The holidays come and go so fast. I hope you all survived. Bring on the New Year! Let’s make it a good one!

    • #47923
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen ,
      I’m so sorry to hear that things are difficult between you and your mum. It must be very difficult to think you two will never speak again – I too will pray for God’s divine intervention in this situation.
      Perhaps we will meet in chat and you can share more openly the things you mention in your post – a problem shared is a problem halved.
      I hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday xx

    • #47924
      faye2458
      Participant

      I just read thru your posts and thank you so much for sharing. They could have been written by me. I’ve been struggling with gambling addiction for 13years. I haven’t started my own thread. I’m just not sure I have the energy right now. Stay strong!

    • #47925
      jen3
      Participant

      Nice to meet you Faye! I hope you find the help you need. I will pray for you. To the rest of you I totally screwed up!!!! Here we go again tomorrow being day one…. I am so flipping stupid.. seriously it’s so easy choose to be missrable or choose to be happy. Why do I let this flipping addiction control me. Why do I let Satan win over and over and over again. Here goes……. I said scratch offs were not my trouble. I can buy a few. What harm can that do??? I bought some won, lost, won, lost more. I was out about 70.00 (which is nothing to a nut case like me) . So than o thought i will stop this crap. The odds are horrible”. I decide to go to the bar and win it back and than quit.. went to bar….. won 275.00 on a machine, managed to get off. Put 2.00 in a pull tab machine won 500.00. Done, done, done ….. so I thought. All I did is feed the monster… it will never die until I stop feeding it (even crumbs keep it alive) Stoped at another bar won a few more hundred than being the compulsive idiot I am I lost 400 back. I managed to go home while still ahead But of course woke up the next day only to go try and win half of my 400.00 back…. you know once we win we think it’s our money now. Well I did but than I proceeded to loose that and than more. I went back today to collect my money and swore I would only play 100.00 and take my losses… long story short I lost again. I managed to leave with money but still that damm 70.00 cost me 1300.00 when all was said and done. Instead of having my money and 800-900 hundred extra, I some how lost 1300.00. Imagine that. Uggggh! I have no idea what to do anymore…. I know all the guidelines…. I should have no access to money but I have no idea how not too. Ugggggh! Ugggh! Ugggh!! I am ok financially but 1300.00 on top of 4800.00 (last relapse) on top of the time before and the time before and the time before. When will it click???? I does right after the relapse but as soon as the adding and subtracting and the what if’s and the what nots pass I am right back into the same hell hole!!! Help!!!! I can not take this anymore!! One last thing…. not only did I lose money…I lost time and a little more time a little more sanity and I by the way I look like hell. Urgggh! Why why why??? How come some can manage to stay g free and others like myself are chronic relapserss???? I hate this part of my life. I just hate it!! I know I am not alone BUT i just want to be like the ones who manage to live gamble free!

    • #47926
      Monica1
      Participant

      Ask anyone who is gf and they will say they had thousands of relapses before the last quit was the quit. Different for everyone and I certainly relapsed many many times. but for me, it was hitting a prolonged rock bottom that I thought was the end. We risk our sanity and for what? Nada.
      I think you explain very well the what ifs and beating ourselves up we do after a relapse.
      Happy New gf 2019 Jen!

    • #47927
      jen3
      Participant

      Happy New Year Monica!! Today is officially another day 1. I feel ok. Things could be much worse…. I do feel a little stupid for falling into the same cycle, “sticking my toe in the water” buying scratch offs, loosing than telling myself “as soon as I get my money back I will quit” than wasting time chasing my money only to win that and than some just to end up worse off. I tell myself “no more” than I tell myself “just go play cards and get your money back (of course I want 1800.00 not my original 1200- 1300 that I lost. (Not sure of the exact amount) Than I think to myself “oh please you dumb a..s. you will never get it back and if you do than what??” I would tell any other compulsive gambler “just stop!” I have to somehow just let it go and pick up where I left off before the relapse and carry on. I know I have to do something different so this does not keep happening. I just do not know what…. I need my brain re-wired. I have to learn to hate gambling. It’s obviously my poison so why can’t I avoid it at all costs. Why can’t I put the energy into my recovery. Even as I write this post I think “ who am I kidding I will never be able to live a gf life” my head…get your money back, let it go, get your money back, let it go, get your money back let it go” When in reality I should think “suffer more, don’t suffer anymore, suffer more, don’t suffer anymore”. One last thing…. I am totally embarrassed that I dumped so much in one dumb ass bar machine. I have not played those stupid things in years. I had to look like a complete idiot feeding one all day and night. (That was Friday , yesterday I went to collect some of my money and only played a little back and finally got the sense to give up) Of course I think I should of went to a casino and played cards better odds…. it does not matter what the odds are they are ALWAYS stacked against a compulsive gambler….. so dang tired. I just want to be normal.

    • #47928
      Monica1
      Participant

      I used to think I could never live a gf life but I do now. It will bring us down progressively. It messes with our sanity, that beating up and talking to oneself with all the what ifs gets worse and it is part of the nature of the addiction.
      Don’t wait to get to where I was. Seek support as well as the groups on here. Xmas is such a dodgy time for a cg with all the time we have off with rubbish repeats on tv. Make 2019 gf. 2018 was a gf free year for me and I hope 2019 is for all of us on this site.

    • #47929
      jen3
      Participant

      I thought I hit my bottom countless times and always managed to get back up. Maybe that’s my problem. This relapse was not a messy as the others. Maybe I needed to prove to myself that weather it’s my “game of choice” or another path ( playing things I normally do not) the results will be the same. I have to figure out a way to have no access to money and I doubt that will happen.. I have been giving my other half quite a bit over the last several months and he is not to give it back under no circumstances. Even with that in place I still control my money and it’s too difficult to let him control all of it… long story. Again this time was not as messy all my bills are paid and I still have money however if I think about the last several relapses they would not have happened or at least not as much money would of been lost if I did not have money…. I will figure something out.

    • #47930
      faye2458
      Participant

      I’m so sorry about your slip Jen. Today will be day 1 for me as well. Everything that you wrote I could have written myself. I was just going to stop for a few minutes. Of course that didn’t happen. 10hours later, minus $1200 and looking like a crazed ugly tired old woman I came home. Of course I didn’t sleep good and so I’ll spend today with yet another ‘gambling hangover’. I think I was trying to get it out of my system before the New Year because of course that’s my promise to myself..to be gamble free in 2019. I’ll be praying for you also. Make the best of today and get some rest.

    • #47931
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      I’m sorry that you’ve gambled! We never win our money back. We keep chasing it! When I want to gamble, I remember the horrid way that I feel afterwards. This has seemed to help detour me. All of my relapses have put me further back in reaching my goals. A hard lesson to learn. Keep persevering and don’t give up! We have examples of people here who have been gamble free for awhile. We can look to them for support and advise. Things will get better!

    • #47932
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen
      So sorry to read about your relapse .
      I’m afraid I gambled too over the break and I currently feel I will never beat this so I’m not much help to you except to say I’m here .
      Xx

    • #47933
      Steev
      Participant

      You said it. It’s one of the hardest truths to face. I haven’t gambled for several years but I still think … “If I had the money I would …”. When I stopped gambling I worked several jobs at the same time – partly because I needed to pay off the credit cards and partly so I would have no time to gamble. I gave up a social life, holidays, a decent car, any repairs / additions to the house that weren’t essential. I’ve been gamble free for years and I still have money worries, but I also know that they will need to be sorted WITHOUT gambling. You are hanging in there and it isn’t easy, but there is a life without gambling – challenging but worth it.

    • #47934
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you for your post Jen – it’s pretty horrible right now .
      Maybe catch u in group.

    • #47935
      jen3
      Participant

      IDI —I will try and be in group. It will get better. It always does. Let’s try our best not make it worse… the hard part will be, once it is better keeping it that way.

    • #47936
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen
      It was so nice to chat with you.
      You are so right – this is a blip and we will get past it .
      I have been thinking about residential for a while now – not so much because of the actual residential but I think the follow up support will be useful .
      Do u go to GA? I feel I depend to much on this site and it’s hit or miss. It was so empty over he Christmas break.
      Why support do you have ?
      I am glad you didn’t do too much damage – it strikes me that the aftermaths ate getting worse and that I am getting further away from my goals.
      About the people watching you at the machine – if they were there all day hey would have been too intoxicated to see you! You have been doing really well Jen – let’s make 2019 a gamble free year !

    • #47937
      jen3
      Participant

      I do not go to GA. I did years ago but it was not for me everyone is different. I did go to Celebrate Recovery which is like GA but it’s a Christ centered recovery program for all hurts, habits and hang ups. I stoped going but I am going back tomorrow. There is also smart recovery also again for all different addictions. (My cunslor rcomended said her patients love it but I never tried) I am going to that tomorrow but also have a site online. Similar to this one. I just registered. You should check it out. When I think back Thursday was when I normally see my Counslor and she was gone for the week. Just so happens I gambled that day. Ugggh. Not her fault but it proves I can not do this on my own and have to be active in my recovery. This site alone is not enough that’s for sure. I liked it better when they had open chat.. (not just for an hour here and there). I want to gamble so bad today. I am not going to because what good will come of it??? If I win and walk away it will just encourage me to do it again. If I loose,,,, same thing and I will just beat myself up tomorrow. I have to go pick up some money from the bar but I am grabbing it walking out the door and going straight to the bank my car loan is through and giving it to them. There is nothing owed but at least it’s the money will go towards something and I can not get it back. I really wish I lost it somewhere else besides a stupid bar that happens to be near my house and the bartenders are assholes anyways…. would I felt better if I lost it somewhere where I like the bartenders…. None of this matters and I have to figure out away to just let it go and pick up and carry on. I am scared to death cause like you said each time gets worse. Not nessacarly the amount of money but the psychological damage. Ugggh this sucks!!! Remember IDI. Our God is way bigger than all of this we just have to figure out a way to let go and let God.

    • #47938
      vera
      Participant

      Jen, if we could bottle the “aftershock”gambling brings, we would never gamble again, but the human mind has a way of obliterating pain, so when the coast is clear it will always be “Ready, Steady , Go” for us CGs.
      What we need to do is make it impossible to gamble.
      There are ways to put a distance between ourselves and our cash. We just need to figure out a strategy to make it impossible to have instant access.
      Back to the drawing board!

    • #47939
      jen3
      Participant

      I went to pick up my money. On the way there I thought” just play a little of it maybe you can win what you lost back” Than I thought “f that just get your money walk out and screw that place” than my thoughts went to “get your money an go somewhere else”. Ugggh! I justified my thoughts with “it’s the last day of the year”. I hate that I would even consider wrecking yet another day… I made it in and out and of the bar and than thought “I will just take a hundred and buy 5 20.00 scratch offs.” Screw that too. I am done. Went and paid money on my car came home and gave the rest (not much) to the other 1/2… I still have some money in my account but not enough to send me running. I have one easy place to get money. It’s an open line of credit. I make a request and the money is instantly put in my bank. I owe nothing to them nor do I want to owe anything cause it’s a ridiculous interest rate…. even if I close it, it’s easy to re-open. I know my thoughts will be all over the place for some time. I have to figure out a way to block myself from being able to get money for the next time I decide to give in to my selfish desire.

    • #47940
      vera
      Participant

      Well done on not giving in to the “whim”, Jen.
      It ALWAYS ends in tears!
      Is there any way you can cancel that line of credit?

    • #47941
      jen3
      Participant

      I can but it’s so easy to re establish. I canceled it once and told them if they ever give me credit again I am not paying it back. You would think they would put me on a “do not approve list”

    • #47942
      faye2458
      Participant

      Yay Jen! Crazy isn’t it? I’m need to go into town to mail a package to my son and I’m afraid to go because I’m fairly certain the ‘crazy brain’ will come alive. It’s so insane that it took me over 2 hrs to try to get all the stuff I wanted to send into 1 box because I didn’t want to spend another $10 on a 2nd smaller box. When I’m gambling $10 is like nothing. I needed to see your post. Thank you…it’s going to be a New Year soon and hopefully, we’ll start it with not only good intentions but with actions that are good as well!

    • #47943
      vera
      Participant

      do you think they would ignore a “good customer”, Jen?
      They will always get their money back…unlike us!!!

    • #47944
      jen3
      Participant

      I am the same Faye. I will go to 3 diffrent grocery stores to save a few bucks…. I was just sitting here thinking between this relapse and the around 45 days ago I blew 6000.00. It makes me want to throw up when I think about the relapse before these two. I can’t even remember the amount but it was prior to Labor Day and I know it was over 5000.00. Holly crap! I am surprised I am not in a nut house.. headed that way if I do not figure out what works for me and stick to it. 2 years ago I had zero debt and excellent credit. I fixed and trashed my credit at least 3-4 times in one lifetime. As they say “if nothing changes.. nothing changes. Vera you are correct. Places like that rely on crazies like me. I sent them an email anyways requesting they close it. I know it’s not hard to re open but it would take some effort on my part so could be somewhat of a road block.

    • #47945
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Well done Jen – it must have been hard to not gamble that back – I know for many of us just waking past a casino is a trigger -so to overcome a huge trigger like being in the bar with machines must has taken incredible self control! Fantastic !
      Can I ask how you fixed your credit – mine is so bad. – any advice would be gratefully received .

    • #47946
      jen3
      Participant

      IDI. My credit is crap now but time and paying everything on time has helped in the past. (Meaning I pay electric bill, phone, car and store cards on time). I have no credit cards. I can’t tell you how many times I have got them, built them up, paid them off, than repeat…. I never used them for anything other than cash advances so why the heck did I keep them so long. The reason my credit is crap again is I have one card that is closed that I purposely did not pay so I could negotiate the balance. Same dumb cycle of mine for 20 plus years. I want off this dang ride and I do not want to get back on.

    • #47947
      jen3
      Participant

      I wanted to start a new thread but not sure how…. Here it is 2019 and it’s yet another day 3. The financial damage was not that bad “this time” but the psychological well that’s another story that only a chronic relapser will understand. I am bound and determined to stop starting over with my recovery. At the same time I am so scared because of my track record. I am scared because I have failed more times than I can *****. I am sick because I feel so alone. I have this site, a Counslor, recovery groups (that I drifted away from, going back to today) and several friends yet I feel alone because I want the people closest to me to somehow understand… I know things will get better with time. They always do. After things get better is what scares me. If I do not find away to remain abstinent from gambling eventually there will be no coming back. I am so sick of “being diffrent” I am sick of wanting what everyone around me seems to have “peace” “normal life” My God, I am 47 years old and have wasted so much of my life in the same cycle. Fall down, get up, clean up, fall down, get up, clean up. It’s getting old!! What is going to help me stay up this time??? I am more than willing to give up acess to money BUT it’s way too complicated. I have been giving my other 1/2 extra money here and there and he has almost 5000.00 of mine BUT in reality he should have more and or I should have less debt. I have a bigger check coming on the 15th and it will be safe , everything will be paid and I will give him more money but what about the check after and the check after. Ugggh I do not know what to do…. I sound like a broken record!! Please God give me strength, help me make start living the life you created me to live, let this be my last day 3.

    • #47948
      kin
      Participant

      Hi Jen,
      May you experience God’s amazing mercy, grace and love in the new year

    • #47949
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 4. Why do I feel so lost afraid and alone??? Maybe because it should be day 4040 , more like day 8040. The chaos of the psychological damage this addiction has caused is unbearable. At times I want to go to sleep and never wake up, other times I want to live to see what life will be like with no gambling…, what does God have in store for me in 2019? I am so inpatient. I just want this year to b over and to be able to say “I did it and life is Great!” I am taking off the gloves and letting my savior get in the ring… No more chasing money. If it’s money I need than it will chase me. The worry comes from saying and meaning all of this so many times before. What can I do diffrent to keep the desire not to gamble 30,60, 90 days from now. God…..I am begging you to show me.

    • #47950
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      I’m sorry that you are feeling like this. I’ve felt the same way before. You’re not alone! I care. This addiction has devastating effects on us. Please keep the faith. Are there any more barriers you can put into place? Can you go to a Celebrate Recovery meeting? No one around us can truly understand what we are going through. But you have us, here on GT. We know what you are going through. Give things over to your higher power. You’re not alone!!! Keep your eye on the future and being GF! Sending hugs))))))))) Thinking of you.

    • #47951
      jen3
      Participant

      Thank you for your support Liz. It means a lot. I think my last relapse happened (no major financial damage BUT tons of psychological) because i normally see a therapist once a week and she was off due to holidays. It was also pretty quite here.(this site) I guess that only goes to show I need to stay active in my recovery or it’s “off to the races” I should have filled in the gap with some kind of meeting but I didn’t. I am trying to be positive and look at it as a slip and lesson learned. I guess it’s just that I have been here sooooo many times. Maybe this is the last??? One can only hope. I am going back to meetings and I also have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Yeah me! I get to walk in with tail between legs and explain my new start date. There is one more barrier I need to figure out and that’s the “no acess to extra money”… that’s a tough one. I am willing but it’s with who and how. (Hard to explain)

    • #47952
      vera
      Participant

      Every time we gamble , Jen, we put another nail in our own coffin. I firmly believe it is an act of self destruction for a CG to take that risk . We justify our actions by saying “We didn’t do major financial damage”, but the thing is Jen, gambling is not a financial problem. Yes, of course we lose crazy and unbelievable amounts by any standard and money becomes a huge problem when we are broke and in debt but the very fact that a CG can justify a big loss or act as if it isn’t all that important, further highlights the underlying emotional/psychological aspect of gambling addiction.
      The worst thing that can happen a CG is that we fall into despair.
      The devil loves us to lose hope.
      Try to forget your previous relapses, Jen. Nothing that we say or do will change the past.
      In my experience, the more we dwell on our failures the less likely we will be to focus on our future successes.
      We CAN stop gambling.
      We can stay stopped.
      We need to instill that deep in our psyche.
      Nothing is impossible with, God’s Grace.
      On a practical note, one of the ways I found to keep money at a distance is to lodge a cheque in the post office It takes 12 working days to clear. That gives a CG “re thinking time”.
      I also lodged money in my husband’s post office account to ensure it would be there to meet two large annual bills in December. It means only the account holder can withdraw that money. Posting your debit card to your own address is another way to delay ATM withdrawals. In extreme cases we may need to have all our accounts in joint names.
      Where there is a will there is a way.
      Never give up hope, Jen.
      Life without gambling is worth fighting for.
      The Gambling Life is not worth living!

    • #47953
      jen3
      Participant

      Thank you Vera! I needed that. I just got home from walking the dog. That is usually one of my times with God throughout the day. Except when gambling than my only time is “please give me my money back, I will never do this again.” Lies lies lies. Anyways I was yelling at God. Saying “I don’t want to live this way anymore” you won’t help me” just take me” I even said I hated him for creating me. I told him he treats me like a red headed step child and will not take this addiction from me. The devil was most likely grinning ear to ear while doing a happy dance. Fker!! Anyways came home read your post and down on my knees I went. Apologizing, asking for forgiveness and his help to get me back to me…. I am definitely not down playing the relapse because of the financial damage not being as much as usual. It hurts even when I win because you said it “ another nail in the coffin”. Anyways I am going to look at this as a lesson.. I did a form of gambling that is out of the ordinary with the same results… just goes to show …never bet on anything… I refuse to give up, giving up. I still have hope. Thank you!

    • #47954
      jen3
      Participant

      Feeling better today. Today starts my 30 day fast from, Facebook,cigs, alcohol & sugar. Alcohol and sugar will be easy because I only eat crap food on occasion. Alcohol will not be too hard since I am a social binge drinker and don’t go out too much this time of year. Facebook, well it will be a nice break. Cigs… will be the tough one eventhough I am not a heavy smoker( unless gambling than I would chain smoke. ). But I made up my mind to do it so I am going to do it. Same applies for no gambling! I had enough. I made up my mind to do it. Not taking the bait anymore!!

    • #47955
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen
      I have been having difficulty accessing the journals but hopefully I have this sorted now.
      You seem to have been on quite a journey since I read last.
      Its seems the longer this addiction goes on the more it affects us.

      I closed my Facebook account a few months ago and after the first few weeks I stopped missing it – I stopped watching everyone else’s seemingly perfect life – one “friend” even posted photos of her new car- like who cares???
      (Well I did because it highlighted how perfect her life is towards mine ). Looking back I wonder why I tortured myself with something which made me feel inadequate on a daily basis.

      Like you I tend to be a social binge drinker,. It’s similar to gambling for me – I never quite know where it will end. I notice others are able to get up and go home but I want to party all night long. I know I cannot keep wine in the house ( cos I drink it ) and I know that I mostly wish I could control my drinking and mostly regret drinking so much on a night out. Maybe I should, give it up also .

      I don’t smoke but I know that it is really difficult to stop so please get medical support.

      Jen we can do this .
      We somehow need to bottle the gambling aftermath horribleness – I once did a hypnosis cd for weight loss. I had to associate my favourite food with a dusgusting smell. Do you know I gave up chocolate for weeks? OUr brains need to be able to link gambling not with great wins or great times but with the horrendous aftermath.

      I think to start a new thread you just click on new topic at the bottom of the main forums page.

      Although it might be worth keeping this thread so you can compare the posts on how you felt when you weren’t gambling to those where you had. I have found this useful .

      Keep strong my friend – we can do this !

    • #47956
      jen3
      Participant

      IDI!! I have to laugh.. I have a few friends that posted pics of thier new cars and I remeber thinking what you said “who gives a s.t! “ I have a fairly new car and would never even think to take a pic… I also have a handful of “friends” who always take pictures and post their wins from slot machines, pull tabs etc. Seriously, if you are going to post your wins, you might as well post your losses.. I could of filled up the news feeds with mine Lol Anyways I am just doing a 30 day fast from some mindless things to make room for others. I will re-evaluate in a month and see what positives come from it. I went back to a CR meeting last night.. I left feeling so glad that I did. I kept trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, why I keep repeating the same cycle… I left feeling as if all my questions were answered…. it’s simple I never follow through with what God wants me to do. He wants me to keep seeking him and a gf life. Normally I feel better and than find excuses not to continue in recovery. When I look back I was most likely making an excuse to relapse. Not this time. I am going back every Tuesday and Thursday night that I can. I am also going to check out a SMART Recovery meeting. Who knows wether that will be for me but can’t hurt to see…. All I know is I am going to commit to my recovery… IDi—- you should Google Celebrate Recovery and see if there is one near you. From our conversations I really think you would like it. Just a suggestion.. we all have to do what works best for us….

    • #47957
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Jen ,
      I live in Bally – go – backwards! There isn’t much happening near me except GA which is comepltely “owned” by a few dominant men who compete for top dog – I find that slightly entertaining.
      But I have to admit I find their telling the same stories each week really boring – like that car on Facebook it is usually a description of all they own nowadays – they pretend to be modest about it (I owe it all to my wife ) but to be honest it still comes across as complete bragging! And I sometimes find myself wondering did they have a secret win on the lottery to be able to buy two houses so quickly …?

      i am so glad to read you are taking so many steps to keep yourself free Jen. We deserve a great life !

    • #47958
      jen3
      Participant

      Today wraps up a gamble free week.. Last week at this time I was suffering the good ole gambling hang over.. the racing thoughts are what I like best. NOT!! Things do tend to get better quickly. With that said, I never want to go back to that dark place. If I do… one of these times things will not get better. Gambling took enough from me… no more. I will stay committed to the plan I have in place. It works. It’s when I get complacent that I return to the same old s..t. Still very impatient and can’t wait to see what 2019 brings.. I look forward to our vacation at the end of March.. Already paid for. We booked over a month ago. I have to laugh I spendt hours and hours searching on line to save 400.00 yet I lost over 15 times with my last two relapses combined. Crap we could of went around the world several times over with the money I have blew over the years. Oh well. I am still grateful that we are able to go on our yearly trip. I am grateful to have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a car in the driveway, a good job, a great guy , an Awsome son, recovery support, freinships, friendships from a far, (I have grown to genuily care about so many of you on this site who are on the same journey) the determaination to try to remain gamble free. Most of all I am greatful to God for everything, he continues to show up in my life even when I do not deserve it. 

    • #47959
      Monica1
      Participant

      I looked up celebrate recovery and I liked what I read. Unfortunately not many in U.K. and none in London. I emailed the director.
      I really like where u r as it reminds me of how I felt when I accepted Christ as my higher power. We all have so much to be grateful for and today especially I have felt very grateful.

    • #47960
      jen3
      Participant

      The start of day one, week two. What a roller coaster. I am determined to do whatever it takes to keep myself from gambling yet it’s so hard to imagine a life without it. My brain references the few good things yet deep down inside I know thier are no good things when it comes to gambling, at least not for someone who has no control over it. Those days ended many years ago. I have to slow down take it a day at a time and not get so ahead of myself. I hate that this addiction has consumed so much of my life. I just hate it.

    • #47961
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Thank you for your post. The only people who understand the struggle are the people here. Sometimes when I feel so alone within this addiction, just hearing positive, reassuring words mean everything to me. I must keep the faith even when everything keeps going wrong and remember and be grateful for what I have. Your vacation sounds lovely. Enjoy it. Thanks again.

    • #47962
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Jen, Is the next group at 9pm our time?

    • #47963
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Jen, Great advice. My Amazon account is in my debt consolidation program and has been closed. I just applied online for the Overstock card and was turned down. Not surprised! That’s what happens when you gamble. Everything goes to hell.

    • #47964
      jen3
      Participant

      I am pretty sure there is one at 6:00 pm central time. I always get confused. (You might be an hour ahead ofr behind central time depending where you live.) it is 2:00 here now. So if I have it straight than it’s 4 hours from whatever time it is by you now.

    • #47965
      jen3
      Participant

      Everything does go to hell When we gamble. That’s why it’s not an option for us.  We will figure something else out.  It will work out one way or the other.  I am going to walk my psychotic dog (he is worse than me only he does not gamble 🙂 )  Hopefully we catch up later. 

    • #47966
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Ok. Thanks. It was 1pm here. So, I’m 1 hour behind you. I will check ar 5pm and see if I can get in! Have fun walking your dog.

    • #47967
      jen3
      Participant

      I woke up this morning looked in the mirror and thought about how much better I look since last week.. the last time I gambled I stayed up for hours gambling, drinking and chain smoking. When I came out of the fog, I looked and felt like I was dragged across the cement face down. The puffy eyelids were an added bonus. Yuk! I never want to look or feel that way again. After walking away from my gambling binge I remember spending the day with my son. He had a good time but once again I was not fully present. Today I flashed back to several times of both winning and loosing.. Either ways none of the memories were good. It was all a waste a time. I have had that “one last win” too many times. It never ends there. All the “so called winning “ does is prolong the inevitable. I will not elaborate as we all know what that inevitable is. We all deserve the best life possible. The only way we will experience that “best life” is by stoping the insanity. I am determined to do whatever it takes to be the best version of me. The gambling me, is the ugly me. I can not and will not gamble today! Yeah me!! Do what it takes to be the best version of you, today and always! I believe this is when good things happen!

    • #47968
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      We do all deserve a gamble free life, free of the insanity. We can do this!

    • #47969
      jen3
      Participant

      Yes we can! Yesterday I felt kind of depressed. Today is a new day. I am learning that all I have to do , not only with gambling , but everything in life is just get through today. Let’s be the best version of ourselves today. We can do anything for one day.

    • #47970
      sherrie
      Participant

      It’s hard to put one foot in front of the other when you feel like that. Well done for still posting and keeping on with recovery. Have a great day Jen xoxox

    • #47971
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Jen, thank you again for your encouragement. It means a lot. The Sunday chat really helped and it’s my 1 day off work and at a good time also. I’ve decided to try and find a positive in everyday, even if it’s a bad day. We can do this! I hope you have a great day!

    • #47972
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen,
      Well done on staying gamble free- your post about being half present with your son will sound familiar to so many of us on here. I guess it’s what we do today that really counts.
      Keep strong xx

    • #47973
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 10. Yesterday was a good day. I suppose any day with out gambling is a good day. Day 10 is nothing for me because I am more of a binge gambler. Years ago it was 4-5 times a week. How I ever managed to hold a job and other responsibilities is beyond me. I suppose I thrive on stress. Now when I gamble it’s after a month or two of not (Except when on a chase than it’s 3-4 days in a row) Either way, the results and damage is still the same. My head was all over the place yesterday. I had many thoughts of gambling. I still do. However I do understand that if those thoughts turn into action, the action will only turn into misery. I can’t help but wonder if they will ever go away. It’s such a crazy cycle. Gamble, cause chaos, wonder how and why the heck i I did it, wish I would of done it different, hate gambling and the thought of it, bound and determined not to, storm passes and than start the cycle over. Seems to be the pattern of many of us here. I have to break this cycle. It’s funny how I have so much advice to offer yet it’s so hard to take my own.. No plans to gamble today. I just want God to take any and all desire away.

    • #47974
      tryingtodoing17
      Participant

      Stay strong Jen. The thoughts will remain…but we have to keep fighting them. I am trying now more than ever to refocus on what matters when I feel weak – my faith and my family. And then distract myself. And as you know, surrender all control…so the weakness can not take over. There are many similarities in our experiences. Now lets stay strong for a full recovery – I know you can do it.

    • #47975
      Nick
      Participant

      HI Jen thanks for the message on my journal, ive just stopped drinking after 5 days trying to blot everything out. I’m going to try and stop again .

    • #47976
      jen3
      Participant

      Just got off chat. A good group of people. I am still laughing. I have faith that 2019 is going to be the beginning of a great milestone for us…. It will not be easy but it will be worth it.

    • #47977
      vera
      Participant

      if we didn’t laugh we would cry, Jen…

    • #47978
      tryingtodoing17
      Participant

      thank you 🙂 but hope i don’t burst out laughing next time i see someone in their chair – will let you know if i do!!

    • #47979
      Nick
      Participant

      Hi Jen they say everything starts with a beginning. You have started yours and i have as well. Hope your having a good day.

    • #47980
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 11. Had a thought of blowing the day off and gambling…. Not today, not going to happen because I do not want to wreck the weekend coming up spendt chassing losses. (Chain smoking, shuffling money around, adding and subtracting, blah, blah, blah ). Heck even if I were to win it would just set me up for future loss. Besides it’s not even about winning or losing anymore, maybe it never was. It’s just a bad habit that offers nothing but chaos. It makes me angry that It would even cross my mind. I suppose I will always have to deal with those thoughts. Praying they lesson with time. Going to try and be the best version of me today. The gambling me is the worst version. Turns me into a rabid pitbull. Ugly!

    • #47981
      sherrie
      Participant

      Be kind to yourself. Someone said that to me on here and it rang true cos theres nothing kind about gambling. It makes you sick and sad and angry and ruthless and allsorts of negative things. So that’s my advice to you today is be kind to yourself x

    • #47982
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks Sherrie! I have to start taking my own adicice. 🙂

    • #47983
      jen3
      Participant

      I was relieved last night that I did not blow off the day to gamble. Even though I did not work very hard, things were accomplished. Had I gambled I suppose last night would have been a restless night or I would still be up chassing.. Funny thing is eventhough I was relieved I woke up today feeling the same , wanting to blow off the day. I won’t because I have things to do and plans with my son this weekend and I do not want to mess them up. I still wonder will these darn desires to gamble ever go away??? In my thoughts I think “oh it will be fun or relaxing”. Why don’t I think “it will be nothing but??”

    • #47984
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 1 of week 3. Thursday and Friday were tough, as they were filled with thoughts of gambling. Yesterday was a good day, spending quality time with my son. Today,,, I am relieved I did not give into temptation and I have no urges . I have a terrible headache and I am full of rage, snapping at everyone and everything. Wonder if it’s withdral or just me??? Either way I would rather feel this way without gambling than the way I feel after..

    • #47985
      vera
      Participant

      Same headache here, Jen. I just isolate and stay away from everyone when I’m unwell. I’m becoming a recluse but I quite like that lifestyle. The feelings we get after succumbing to the temptation to gamble are far worse than any headache.

      The longer we stay out of the game, the easier it gets to say No. I have a lot on my mind that a trip to the casino would help to blank out for a few hours but the thought of facing the hangover is enough to keep me grounded. If we drink from the poison chalice, we will always suffer the horrible consequences.

      Stay focused!

    • #47986
      jen3
      Participant

      You said it Vera! That is exactly how I felt a few times last week. “ a lot on the mind, I will just go block it out”. I was able to think it through all the way to the hangover. I never want to experience one again. I worry about next weekend as I do not have my son and will have time on my hands. I will just have to come up with something better to do with my time. There are a ton of other things I could do but seems I have no energy or interest. I will force myself to try something new. If nothing changes than nothing changes.

    • #47987
      jen3
      Participant

      Day 17. I was paid today. My check was 360.00 more than I thought it would be. I am going straight to the bank and getting cashiers checks to pay bills. They will be paid early and the extra will go towards my car. The devil on one shoulder tells me “use some of the money to gamble maybe you can make more” than the logical one on my other shoulder says “do not do it, let’s make 2019 the best in years” look around you, gambling offers nothing but misery. I imagine we will always be tempted but I also long for the day the temptation lessons. Not going backwards. I refuse to go backwards!

    • #47988
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Jen, I often wonder if the temptation to gamble will ever cease. Taking it one day at a time!

    • #47989
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen ,
      Congrats on your gamble free time.
      I know that sound – the voice telling Me I can make a fortune if I just gamble £20.
      I wonder why I still believe it sometimes when it has never been truthful in the past…
      You are doing really well Jen and 2019 is going to be fabulous !

    • #47990
      jen3
      Participant

      Years ago I had the thoughts of winning big.. Now it’s just wanting to gamble to escape. It makes me sick to pay debt everytime I get paid, beside my living expense I could be saving so much money. I just have to keep looking ahead and thinking of how it will feel to be debt free. Lord knows I have dug in and dug out enough times to make ones head spin. .. I have to keep my eye on the prize…. not sure what that is but there is only one way to find out and that is to do whatever it takes to remain gamble free…. In the end gambling makes everything just suck!!

    • #47991
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen
      The prize is waking up every day for the rest of our lives and not having to face the post gambling fear, shame and poverty.
      The prize is the security of knowing that when life throws us a curveball we at least have a little money behind us.
      The prize is having a home we can be proud of because it represents our years of toil .
      The prize is walking with our heads held high and doing the things we choose to do and enjoying the things we choose to experience .
      The prize is a constant contentment that is with us every minute we don’t gamble for the rest of our lives!
      I can’t think of a better prize!

    • #47992
      BEEM
      Participant

      Sounds like you have had a rollercoaster from the posts I hope you get and keep your prize of not gambling for ever. Its sound like it will make you happier good luck

    • #47993
      BEEM
      Participant

      Sounds like you have had a rollercoaster from the posts I hope you get and keep your prize of not gambling for ever. Its sound like it will make you happier good luck

    • #47994
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      I can’t get back into chat??????

    • #47995
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Jen, Hang in there! Don’t gamble like I did!!! The loss wasn’t a lot but enough to damage my finances. Today is s nrw day!

    • #47996
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      DON’T do it!!! Remember how you will feel afterwards!! Try to find something else to fill the time. I’m off to clean one bank. Afterwards, I’ve decided to pick up some take out, a few movies and come home and vegg. the rest of the day! My mind is on overload and with my recent relapse and Daughter issues, I’m a walking time bomb for gambling!!!!

    • #47997
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks Liz! I am not going to. Mostley because I feel too run down to do much of anything.

    • #47998
      sherrie
      Participant

      I’m sorry to hear you are run down. How has your day been? Are you feeling any better? What plans do you have for tomorrow? My favourite things to do to relax are watch a movie or read a book or take a hot bath. I just wanted to give you some input cos you’ve been so kind to me and I am worried that you might be having a wobble. Stay strong hun xoxox

    • #47999
      jen3
      Participant

      Hi Sherrie! Thanks for checking on me. I have been following your thread but too sick to post. I have not been sick in many years unless it’s self induced. (Too much to drink) Not sure what’s going on. I went out Friday and came home sick as a dog. Throwing up etc. Felt better Sunday only to feel like crap again yesterday and today. Who knows maybe it’s Gods way of helping me not want to go on a mini vacation with my girlfriend. We were supposed to leave Thur and come home Mon. I just know the drinking will turn into gambling and the gambling will turn into a miserable trip. I guess I just get mad that I can not do things like a “normal” person. It’s strange because deep down I really do not want to go BUT I keep telling myself I want to go if that makes any sense. I just want ojump in a time machine and go back 20-25 years. Than again, would I do anything diffrent??

    • #48000
      vera
      Participant

      There are no time machines, unfortunately, Jen.
      We just need to make the best of the here and now.
      Being ill is not in God’s Plan for us. You possibly picked up some of the bugs that are doing the rounds.
      Just as well you weren’t away from home when it hit.
      Get well soon.

    • #48001
      jen3
      Participant

      I do know there are no time machines and as I said even if there were I doub’t I would of done anything different. Of course I have a lot of regrets but who doesn’t?? I think we are all on a journey and we are right where we are supposed to be. I also believe that God does not care so much about how “we ran the race” but more about how we finish. We can’t go back but we can use our past mistakes to keep us from making them again. None of us want to live through another gambling hangover. Temporary pleasures bring long term consequences. I understand that being ill is not Gods plan for us, however I asked him to intervene and I truly believe that he did by letting me get sick and I am greatful. To each it’s own. 

    • #48002
      vera
      Participant

      When the consequences of gambling come to mind BEFORE we gamble, we are on the right track, Jen.
      I remember begging God as I clung on to a losing slot machine to “Have mercy on me and give me a win”
      I heard Him answer loud and clear ” I will have mercy on you by NOT giving you a win”
      Faith moves mountains.
      I hope you are feeling a bit better?

    • #48003
      jen3
      Participant

      Sounds like me Vera! I would beg to win my money back and swear I would never gamble again. I was such liar! When I did win or win back I used to think it was God answering my prayer. Now I know any wins from gambling did not come from him. They came from the Devil himself, just to keep me sucked in. I took the bait each time as he laughed and laughed. I do feel better, a little sluggish but nothing I can not handle. I did tell my friend I can’t go so no worries there. Today I was going to play catch up with work but thier is a Snow storm here.. schools are closed etc. I will work from home. I can always catch up tomorrow and Friday since I am supposed to be off anyways.

    • #48004
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      I’m glad that you are feeling better! I’ve been fighting gambling urges! I keep thinking of the aftermath and that has detoured me. I’ve begged God many times for a big win and then I wouldn’t gamble again. I was lying. The only way to win, is to not gamble. It was good that you told your friend you couldn’t go. The devil didn’t suck you in this time.

    • #48005
      Monica1
      Participant

      We misplaced our faith and asked god for a big win. I also when I got into complete self destruct mode throwing away thousands used it as a mechanism ie if god cared he would save me from total destruction. Well he did save me from total destruction just not in the way I would have wanted! I had to do a lot of work and work through a lot of mental, emotional and physical pain in the first I would say 9 months of recovery. I had a long drawn out rock bottom just so I really got the message.

    • #48006
      jen3
      Participant

      Not much to say… no urges .. no thoughts for awhile now. Maybe it finally sunk in that gambling is just not an option for me. Maybe it’s because I got out of the ring and asked God to take over.

    • #48007
      vera
      Participant

      ‘Hope you’re feeling better , Jen.
      “Surrender”is the name of the game.
      Missed you in Chat just now.

    • #48008
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks Vera! I am back to normal. (Well you know what I mean 🙂 ) The weather has been so crazy here. We started out with such a mild winter, warmer than usual and no snow in Dec and most of Jan. Well Mother Nature has went bonkers. We had a snow storm last week and than again on Monday. Today 1/2 the city is shut down because of the frigid cold… -21 with windchills of -50. Has not been this cold in over 30 years. It might be warmer in Antiartica. I suppose in years past I would be sitting in a casino during the down time. Not today! Hopefully not ever!

    • #48009
      vera
      Participant

      Glad you’re back to normal, Jen. I like “normal”!
      I hate snow. -21!!!! Oh dear!!!!
      It was -3 here tonight and we had a power cut since 2 pm. I used to leap for the “safety net” during power cuts (We don’t have “powerless”casinos . ..only powerless customers!)
      I went to the nearest shopping mall instead. Spent less than 20 quid. Bought two “occasion” cards. Walked around the perimeter to stretch my weary bones, bought a Mc Donalds and came home to a lit up house, with two blazing stoves-compliments of my husband (who doesn’t understand the intricacies of my gambling mind)
      … and here I am writing my last post on a G free January 31st – payday!
      Thanks for your compliment on Jezi’s thread. I just write about my thoughts and experiences.
      “Words are all I have” , as the song goes.
      Actions are more important, of course.
      Stay focused.

    • #48010
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Brrrrr! Stay warm!!!!

    • #48011
      sherrie
      Participant

      I got the book. I shall start it after work tonight. I’m sort of excited to read it because of your enthusiasm for it. I’ll report back xxx

    • #48012
      jen3
      Participant

      You brought a huge smile to my face. The pressure is on :). I hope You like it and I certainly hope that it helps with your recovery. You are doing Great Sherrie. 

    • #48013
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen ,
      Tonight I am feeling blessed to have our mild Irish climate ( which we Moan about constantly). I don’t know how people can survive in such cold . It makes me wonder how the first settlers coped with it. Omg , imagine if you couldn’t afford fuel for heat. .
      Glad to read you are feeling better . Coincidentally God appears to have intervened to stop me having a weekend away also ! Life is good!

    • #48014
      jen3
      Participant

      Today is the first day in several weeks that gambling crossed my mind.. it was just a thought but also a reminder of how in the past a thought would turn into action and the action into a nightmare. I guess I do not even want to entertain thoughts of gambling so giving it to God and going on with my day. 55 degree temp change. We went from -21 to mid 30s. Tomorrow and Monday upper 40s. I suppose some will be running around in shorts. Lol.

    • #48015
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      It’s good to hear that you are thinking through the gambling thoughts before acting on them. For me that’s the key to abstain. Do you have another cold front coming through your state? It’s been cold here (for us), 18 degrees last night and light snow. BRRRR! You are included in a handful of people who have been really supportive to me. I really appreciate it! No gambling =happier me!

    • #48016
      kin
      Participant

    • #48017
      jen3
      Participant

      Hi Liz! Thanks for your post.  I am just catching up here. Been busy the last few days.  No more cold fronts. In the twenty’s today but looks like a little snow every day this week comming up. This has been the craziest winter I can remember. I can not wait till spring.  I hope you are doing good. I am making my way to your thread.  

    • #48018
      jen3
      Participant

      Thank you for sharing Kin! 

    • #48019
      vera
      Participant

      Glad the temperatures have risen, Jen.
      NOT that we would notice if we were in the “hotspot”.
      A month and a half into 2019 with no gambling has been worth the effort, hasn’t it?

    • #48020
      jen3
      Participant

      It sure has Vera! I still cringe when I think about all the lost money. But whats done is done. Just have to keep moving forward. Trying not to look back. I only look back when I am tempted. For example, one Day last week I went to meet with a client at his bar. I was early and saw some machines. I thought “those look fun”. Yeah I suppose they might be for some but not for me. I know I can not play unless I want to torcher myself. A little fun would turn into a lot of pain. It always has and always will. 

    • #48021
      kin
      Participant

      Hi Jen,

      How have you been? Hope all is well. Looking forward to your update!

    • #48022
      jen3
      Participant

      Hi Kin! I have been doing ok. No gambling and not really struggling with any urges either. I thank God for that. Been dealing with some health issues. Long story. I wonder if it’s aftermath or years of stress that comes with gambling. (Road that roller coaster way too long) It’s strange because I do not feel stressed.. I should but I don’t. I guess I just know I can not change the past, I can just do my best to avoid relieving it and I trust Gods plan for me. I hope you are doing well. You and many others are always in my prayers!!

    • #48023
      vera
      Participant

      ‘Hope the health issues aren’t too serious, Jen?
      Yes, gambling does have an effect on our health. We don’t notice or perhaps ignore symptoms when we are numb.
      Take care.

    • #48024
      jen3
      Participant

      I was having episodes of horrible chest pain. Mostly after physical excretion. Doc suggested a stress test and echocardiogram. I went in on Wednesday to have that done. Results were good. However, I still have the chest pain. It’s dull pain at all times and gets worse during and after exercise. I can not wait to see the financial damage from these tests. I wish I would not have had them but at least I have peace of mine that there is no issues with the “ticker” We will be in Mexico late March and the last thing I would want to happen is to drop over in foreign country. I have to laugh because I although I have not seen the bill yet I keep thinking“I did all that for nothing, what a waste of money”. How many times have I stayed up all night blowing hundred after hundred after hundred till I was in the thousands and broke for nothing??? At least this time I blew money on something sensible,,,, ruling out a heart condition. I guess it was the place to start since my dad has a history of heart trouble. If I had to diagnos myself now I would say chostochondritis or fibermyalgia… OR maybe its anxiety or withdrawal symptoms?? Which would be strange because I do not feel stressed and I do not really miss gambling.

    • #48025
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Your health is number one. I’m glad that you had the tests. The bills from tests can be paid over time. I suffered a heart attack 10 years ago. Irregular heartbeat. I take meds and see a cardiologist once a year. I’ve had no problems since. But I stopped smoking, lessened my sugar intake. Ect…..
      Are you having more testing to figure out what’s going on? I believe that my gambling stress caused my health issues. I’m glad to hear that you aren’t missing gambling. Neither am I.
      Take care of yourself!

    • #48026
      vera
      Participant

      Glad to hear you are looking after your health, Jen, especially if there is a family hx. of cardiac problems.
      If the dull chest pain persists request an angiogram.
      (says she who self diagnoses and avoids hospitals like the plague!!)

    • #48027
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks Vera, they did do an angiogram before and after the stress test. I am no good with medical terms. I just assumed it was part of the stress test. Like you, I usually self diagnose and avoid doctors and hospitals but never felt anything like this… but whatever it is, at least it’s not my heart.

    • #48028
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks Liz!  That’s what is so strange… I eat pretty clean, no sugars, no starches (with the exception of natural) However I did smoke for many years. I was never a heavy smoker BUT when I was gambling I would chain smoke. YUCK!  My dad has an irregular heattbeat too. In anycase I am glad they ruled out heart issues. I am gonna go with the flow for now and if things do not improve or get worse I will look have other things looked at. 

    • #48029
      jen3
      Participant

      I told “my other half” that I guess I do not have heart issues but I propbably will when I see the bill. :). I do have insurance but it’s so confusing who knows what’s paid and what’s not. As far as the cost, It is what it is, so not going to worry about it.

    • #48030
      jen3
      Participant

      Just checking in. No gambling which is always a good thing. Debt dwindling and peace of mind increasing day by day. I really do not have much debt BUT I should not have any. I have been quite on this site but I have been keeping many of your threads and praying for us all on a daily basis. Made it through Jan and Feb with no gambling, just fine. Here is to no March Madness .

    • #48031
      sherrie
      Participant

      I’m totally on board for the no-March Madness journey. Let’s do this! 

    • #48032
      Nick
      Participant

      HI Jen hope alls going well in your no March Madness , i’m on board as well 🙂

    • #48033
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      How are you? My Daughter passed her testing today! She has her CDL license. I want to thank you for your sweet post on my thread about helping me with my Granddaughter. I know you would. I wish we lived closer to each other. I think we could be good friends. I miss your postings. Take care.

    • #48034
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      P.S. My youngest Daughter’s nickname is Jen!

    • #48035
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Jen ,
      Thank you for your support on my thread – you definitely don’t want to mess around with your heart – you needed to have those tests done.

      I have a full week gamble free – it sound so little but seems huge to me. I am trying to stay away from “support” .
      I feel too much talking about it all keeps the addiction too alive .
      Having said that I want to keep up with my friends on here – so I think it’s about balance .
      Take care xx

    • #48036
      jen3
      Participant

      Update… No gambling so far this year. Life is a lot less stressful without it. No “I wish I would have, I wish I could have, I wish I didn’t , I will get my money back than I quit, blah blah blah” No sleepless nights, no shuffling money around, no adding and subtracting money over and over. Today is my sons 13th B-Day. Wow! 13 years goes by in the blink of an eye. We leave for Mexico in 15 days. We go somewhere warm every year around this time. I know I will not gamble prior because I want to be fully present when we go. When I get back I will be ready to conquer April. Hope everyone is well. Keep fighting the good fight.

    • #48037
      vera
      Participant

      HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your son, Jen. Where did the 13 years go? Be present with him for as often as you can. Gambling steals not just our money but our children too.

      Hold tight.

      Peace of mnd is priceless.

    • #48038
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      I hope your vacation is wonderful. You deserve it!

    • #48039
      vera
      Participant

      How are you doing, Jen? Vacation over yet? Thinking of you.

    • #48040
      jen3
      Participant

      Thanks Liz! Vacation was Great. Back to reality. ;(. I have been reading your thread. You are doing Great! I know you have your hands full. Always in my thoughts and prayers.

      Hi Vera! Yup back to the grind. Have not been coming here too much. I guess I have been busy and sometimes think it’s better for me to only check in occasionally. No gambling this year. Only a few thoughts here and there. I guess I just know it’s not an option fo for me. The so called pleasure is just not worth the long time misery. I am happy to read you are staying away from the misery as well. I think about you often. Keep fighting the good fight!

    • #48041
      jen3
      Participant

      Back to the drawing board… Relapsing is getting so old! I do not even know what to do different anymore.

    • #48042
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      I’m sorry to hear that you relapsed! This addiction does a number on us! Hang in there and keep trying.

    • #48043
      kin
      Participant

      Hi Jen, How are you doing?

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