Thank you Monique for all your love and support. I know we don’t “know” each other, but I have received so much love and support from this site that it is quite ironic that the “real” people in my life have NO CLUE what is going on. What does that say about the people in my life??
I am having a hard time hanging on – Still trying to decide what is best to do – My husband is going to therapy 2x a week soon to be 3x with a CBT therapist. He has still continued to ly to me – that is the hardest part – WHY WHY does he have to ly? I guess he is afraid..HE is trying to control the money I have in my own name – trying to hack passwords and gain access to that a******* He says he was worried I would use this money to go to a lawyer and divorce him – I explained that doing this and lying about it make that even more likely instead of just talking to me about it! And since he has his sex addiction problem we have not been intimate and now he is getting angry at me for this – How can he expect me to want to be intimate with him when he li*es to me and is still so messed up?? How can I even trust him again?? I can’t even sleep in the same bed with him bc of his issues… I feel SO SAD..I really feel like I am depressed and I am not the type of person that gives into things – I am a fighter – in all ways (I train as a fighter Mixed Martial Arts) but yet this area – the main area of my life – is so messed up and I have no control over what he will do – ANd it makes me so sad that I am having a hard time functioning. I feel so pathetic – so many other people have worse in their lives yet I sit here feeling useless.. Why can’t I just shake this off?? Why can’t I stop crying???
I feel like I am waiting – waiting for something to happen – but mean while my life is passing me by …punctuated by homework, kids multiple after school lessons, dinner, food shopping, working out, cleaning, etc…and still this distance with my husband – separate beds, separate lives.. He keeps saying “I love you” and “I want to take you out to ______” but he never does anything about it…more empty promises. And all I get is a large angry man who is blaming me for not wanting to be intimate with him! Like this is my fault!!!
Can anyone else relate to this?? Most of the time I feel like I am going crazy – sad and crazy – I am trying to be there for my kids but wish there was something I could do for myself – All I want is to disappear – I have thought about suicide more time than I can cownt but I would never do that to my kids – and leave them with their Dad?? Yikes!
If anyone has advise, suggestions, words of wisdom, something, anything… I really am at the rend of my rope it seems..
with love
M
