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Well another g.a. meeting last night. By the time I had gotten there I had been crying for four days straight, hadn’t eaten in that time, and talked everyones head off. This whole situation has been so hard. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and as hard as it may be to accept I can’t control everything and I definitely can’t control anyone. The decision to stay with me or throw in the towel is my boyfriends decision to make. I guess I should probably stop referring to him as my boyfriend until I know what he’s chosen. I know I have a lot left in me to offer. I know I have a great future ahead of me and all those possibilities are still there, they’re just going to take more time to get to. I know my self worth and I wont let this addiction define me. At the very core of me, I’m not a bad person. I’m capable of so many things. As bad as I want my relationship to work, as much as I love him, and as much as I hate myself for this I know that I can and will get through this. I just hope he doesn’t let everyone else control his life forever.
Like a woman at my g.a. meeting put it last night,” if he isn’t willing to stand by you now when you need him most. If he isn’t willing to stick up for you, to push all the worries from his mind to help you in the here and now, and really prove that he loves you then maybe he isn’t the guy you keep telling us he is.” Now of course I know all of this it’s just the pain, the feeling of loss, and being forced to give up something that means so much to you is so overwhelming. He came home last night and told me he closed our joint banking account. Now, we had talked about doing this months ago to protect him because we weren’t sure if they would go after our account knowing my name was on it. It hurt more than I thought. I think because he never even gave me a warning, just did it. I feel like he’s completely erasing any sign of me from him. I almost expected to walk in the door from my meeting and to see all of our pictures off the walls and my bags packed for me. I think I’m swiftly moving from the pain and grieving phase to the angry one. This all just makes me so angry at myself, my situation, my old boss for not at least trying to understand, my boyfriend (gotta find another name for him), and his family. The last thing I want is to be angry especially at him but I can’t help it. How can you tell me for almost three years that you love me, I’m your world, and so on and then be so willing to just throw it away because it isn’t easy. UGHHHHHHHH! I just want to scream and throw things. I’m afraid this is going to make me a bitter angry person. I definitely don’t want that.
I’m scared for him, I afraid that if he gives up now he’ll be giving up the rest of his life on things worth fighting for. He deserves to be happy but if he doesn’t stand up for anything then he never will be.
I just have so much running through my head right now. I’m so stressed out I feel like I’m constantly having a heart attack. The day all of this is over I don’t know how I’ll make it. How do you go from stress and the living the end of the world every day to just having a “normal” day. One without the constant knots and doubt. Hopefully I find out soon 🙂