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I’m glad to hear that your willing to look at doing the inner healing you need. Gambling was really hard for me to stop. I tried so many times in the last 2 years but there was this withdrawl period that would just take over me. Its unconscious it just festers its way into your mind and the compulsion is so strong. It’s really hard to accept that even though we’re super smart people we just can’t control the urge. The longer I’ve been away from it the less urges I have. It does take till the 90 day mark to start to feel more confident in not needing it anymore and that’s common with all addictions. The brain has time to start making its own chemicals and such again. But complacency can take over really fast and bring people back into it super quick. I’m a pretty good example of what stopping working a good recovery program looks like. My 10 Years of sobriety is tomorrow. I dont want to take a cake though because I’m still trying to forgive myself for this addiction. I no once I get over that 90 day mark I’m going to feel worthy again I just need to get to that mark and I’ll feel like I’m achieving the recovery I want in my life. Right now I’m still in the middle raw stage I’m learning to make my own chemicals again and trying to find who I am again. It’s always foggy in the beginning. I went through this same experience when I got sober for the first time. Everything I’m feeling is the same. Only this time I’m digging deeper into the healing my past. The first go around I surface touched it all but now I’m getting my hands right in there. I had a repressed memory come to me today. It was the worst trauma of them all. I didn’t remeber it, today was the first day I’ve acknowledged it in my life. For some reason it chose to appear today probably because ive had time since my last counseling sessions and talking with my sponsor, and friends to move my relationship stuff to the side. Im not afraid to speak openly so im just gonna let myself write it out. So I’ve had severe assaults happen as a kid so I figured my trauma was mostly always from those circumstances,however, today just proved to me that I had something else buried really deep. I’m gonna let it out here and let myself express it because i got nothing to lose by writing it. So basically what I’m remembering is I was captured and drugged and I was tied up in an empty basement with just a mattress, i was threatened with a knife and things happened to me from a stanger i was 15 i think i dont no how long i was there i just remeber being dropped off on the side of the road somewhere. Surprisingly I’m not going off the deep end feeling depressed or mad about it. I did phone my sponsor right away as I was concerned that if I sit with it there was a possibility being home alone I’d start gambling. I haven’t thought about gambling but I no that I might have later on if I didn’t acknowledge what I just remembered. I realize that this isn’t something others want to read about but I need to have an outlet and this is it for me right this moment. I could write it in a journal maybe but my story can maybe help someone to and I hope that’s the case. I just want people to see that even though im remembering this shit I’m not gambling over it. So there is a way to get better and fight through this bs addiction.