Originally posted by bettie
Hi Guys,
Just working on some readings for my pinning. I found this early in my GT days and it means alot to me. It helped me understand myself a bit better.
I copied this from Marilee’s thread. It speaks so much truth ( at least to me ) that I almost cried when I read it.
I would recomend having someone to whom you are trying to explain this illiness to read it.
Thanks Marilee, hope you are ok where ever you are.
It often crosses my mind that being an addict is like trying to communicate with a deaf world. You are trying and trying to say the words, but no one can hear you. It is a disease of incredible loneliness, isolation, secrecy, fear and depression. Since you don’t walk with crutches, have a cast, bandages or bruises, others do not know you are sick. In the beginning, you don’t know you are sick either. It may be more visible to others who notice your mood, your unhappiness, your withdrawal, than it is to you. Make no mistake – the denial of a problem is protecting the addict from a pain they are not ready to handle. With all addictions, moving from denial is a risky process. It involves putting your relationships, your self-esteem, your sanity on the line. To get from denial to acknowledgement, those who surround you need to understand this: gambling is NOT about the money. Money is only the tool that helps us continue to use a coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions. The power of the addiction is that, in the beginning, this tool worked amazingly well. In the beginning, a casino feels like a safe place. No one asks anything of you, the lights and noise distract your thoughts, for one hour or ten, you have nothing to do but sit and press a button that randomly rewards you. Go back to any Psychology 101 class and you will find that it is proven that random rewards are far more powerful in sustaining the behavior. This would be an ideal solution, except that – like an alcoholic who needs more and more alcohol to get drunk – a gambler needs to go more often to shut off the negative emotions and the anxiety, depression and despair that those emotions cause. Eventually, the financial losses accumulate, and you add yet another layer of problems to the many you already couldn’t cope with. In many ways, it is easier to see the financial problems as the only ones you really have. There isn’t a gambler out there who doesn’t say "if only I could win $10,000 my problems would be solved". Well, they would be solved on one level – relief from the stress of unpaid bills, collection calls, legal action – but the reasons why you gamble have not been addressed and you would begin the cycle all over again.
Gamblers are both alike and different. We are alike because we have chosen a coping mechanism for psychological pain that, without question, will lead to financial ruin, destruction of relationships and often death. We are alike because we all play a negative tape in our heads – "I am stupid", "I am worthless", "If anyone really knew me they would not love me"; and on and on it goes. We are only different in the life situations that cause us to have the negative emotions.
What can those who are close to a gambler do? Perhaps it is easier to list what I believe they should not do. Do not judge, belittle or demean us. That is what we do to ourselves in our head. Words like "shocked" "disappointed" "angry" will not help us. They will increase the negative emotions, and increase the drive to release that pressure by gambling more. Do not place the blame for your emotions on us. "You hurt me because you lied" "You have taken my trust". We can’t deal with our own emotions, how in God’s name are we supposed to deal with yours? Those close to a gambler need to work concurrently with us – find your own outlet and help for your emotions while we are dealing with ours. We are not indifferent to how those around us are feeling, we are simply not capable of helping them. Do not expect a gambler to tell you why they gamble. For some it is a lifelong pursuit to understand it themselves. At a minimum, it is a lengthy process of uncovering the many things in their past that brought them here. Do not expect a gambler to just stop once they have acknowledged the gambling. You are an addict for life. Recovery often involves relapse. Think of it this way – if someone tells you that you can never, ever have chocolate again, wouldn’t you run around and binge on it before it was gone? A gambler is losing the only crutch they have and it is very scary. Until other, different and healthy coping mechanisms are in place, we are terrified to be without our gambling crutch.
What can you do? Always, always have compassion. Someone you love is in terrible pain. If they had a physical disease, you would unquestionably be there to support them. But they have an emotional disease – and they need you even more. Tell them you love them, need them, and want to suppport them to get well. Don’t threaten them – "If you gamble again I am leaving". Unless of course that is how you really feel. If so, say it, mean it, do it. This is an intensive battle for the gambler’s life. If you’re not in it for the long haul, then get out of the way. It is okay to place reasonable conditions on your support – "I’ll drive you to your meetings but I won’t give you money" – but that doesn’t mean your love can be conditional.
Respect the gambler. There is no dignity in this disease. We have spent a long time and a lot of energy creating a false mask for others in order to hide our disease and our pain. Admitting you are an addict takes more courage than most people will ever know. We deserve to be respected for this.
It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….
Looking for the Wisdom
Hi Guys,
With so many new folks (welcome!) on the forum it seems time for a repeat.
I am reading at a pinning tommorrow. I am honored! I was at this ladys first meeting-directed her to the room.
I am glad for her milestone!
bettie