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#49902
IRockVX
Deltaker

Not long ago I caved and opened up the market screens and felt those «bursty» feelings come back … I placed two bets (overleveraged) and felt the stress and numbness start to creep back … I closed out before anything turned into a loss and felt my own consciouness calling me not to step in further …

My own thoughts that come from that place are stubborn and distorted … «I want to end this my way» … more layers still than even what I’ve written about … embarrassment …

I’m stepped back away from it now … like pulling my hand off a hot stove before it burns … when i look back in the past i realize that those sinking feelings of embarrassment … guilt … self frustration … sinking and spiraling in those just sucks me back in.

There’s always this thought of idealizing a perfect scenario in my favor to «get back just right» … not just in terms of price but in terms of time … romanticizing «the perfect time» … personalizing my own timing.

Right now I’m taking the time to remind myself that I’m not special with this … I don’t have the magic keys … I’m remembering now what i’ve tended to do in the past when this happens that pulls me back in … beating myself up into a circle … almost like pushing myself back into meaningless actions because «what else is there» …

Well now there are other things … I’ve had 2 amazing days up to this point and felt like my mind and body were further away from this than they have been before … I press the stop button early this time … I know I have this one foot in one foot out subconscious feeling inside … like trying to pull a foot stuck deep in the mud out of it.

I’ve felt the first waves of my other life interests becoming «numb» again … I’m stopping and reminding myself that numbness to life interests is a lie … and the engagement with the markets with emotional interest and absorption is also a lie … risk less … get away …

I’m going day 3 of reading through my inspirational quotes to guard myself from risk … one thing that’s improved over time is i risk less when i «fall in» to this … I still have my savings and hang onto most of them … still even improvements like this get distorted into justifications «it’s not so bad, right?» … those inner justifications are jarring.

My inner visual focus and drive is coming back to what I really care about today … studying music, doing qi gong/health focused stuff, getting up and seeing the sun, and more …

I feel that warmth again … I’ll let the markets stay where they are and get my whole body in motion. I’m ready to do it now.