So a quick upfdate.
Apologies to everyone for whom I have not yet posted and read. Since getting my computer back I have been trying to focus on catching up my life and also use the computer less. Prior to going to GMA I was always on, so now I try and limit my use online. A new personal goal, and so far working. Yesterday I times myself for about 25 mins online all day.
Thanks to everyone who posts here on my forum. I will get round to spending a few hours to properly read all the new posts and all the new blogs. I am so inspired at the moment, but I will go into that later as my head slowly gets everything in the right order.
I just wanted to let you know how good my last 2 days have been. I left my mum and dad early at 6:30 and got to London at 10am. As I got out the lift in my old block there was Valentin waiting, saying Papa and he ran to me so I could gather him in my arms. My heart broke it has to be said. After spending a bit of time in the house, feeding him and playing, we left and went to the science museum. We had a awesome day. with him running, playing with exhibits. Eventually I knew he was tired as he wanted to be carried rather than run (he only started walking 8 weeks ago) and then started to nod off in my arms. 5 mins after getting him the push chair he was out like a light.
A quick thanks to all the strangers who helped me carry the push chair up and down stairs on the London Underground.
I got home, spent several more hours with him, fed him and then went to my usual GA where I was welcomed back. I told my story and listened to others. Then I stayed with a good mate from Uni. He bought me breakfast and then I went back to my house to drop the suitcase in my car and went up to see Val one last time until next week. I had a meeting in town with a photographer who is a smart businessman and wants to add Video to his services – and wants me to manage that. he is great at marketing and has amazing clients who want him to do their videos but he knows nothing about video – and he has put his clients to me before always with great results. We are meeting again next week. He also tole me the most amazing story which I will pass on later as my battery on the laptop is running low and if it runs out I have to get someone to put the password in – I do not have it. Long story.
So now I am only my way to Brighton – I am up. Not crazy up, not druggy up. But just up about possibilities. The mess I made is still here but now, with 56 days gambler free AND the positive steps I am taking working out, I feel able, stronger, day by day, to make the right decisions. I will still —- up, but I can cope with that. Things can, as they say, only get better.
I just posted a long post on Charlsters post as he is going soon. I love him so much, he has posted so much encouragement for me when I was so low (as did many people) and I feel so great that me leaving freed up a space for him. Charlster, dude, go forth. Recover, you are worth it. I will miss you, but you will be gone for the full amount. I know it.
One final thing. When I applied for GMA I also applied to the National Problem Gambling Clinic. They had a waiting list of about 20 weeks. When I went to GMA I never cancelled the NPGC. I have done CBT with them from Dev 2012 to Feb 2013. But I didn’t take it seriously as I did not know ho progressive this illness is and how much worse it would get. Anyway, in October I went to an open day and they said they were starting a new treatment which was psychodynamic psychotherapy – looking into the patients past to look at the core issues which lead to compulsive behaviour. This is for me, I thought, but they said you need at least 80-90 days gamble free time as you need to be able to think and prior to that the brain is still scrambled from compuslive gambling with all the dopanine etc running riot. I called them today and left a message. They called back and said I could have an assessment on 22 June and that I would qualify for the psychodynamic treatment. By 22 June I will be 78-79 days gamble free and the treatment would start within 2 weeks after that – I hit the 90 days. This is the treatment I need. My gambling stems from deep issues of my self image, how I see myself, how I ultimately do not like myself for many many reasons. This can help me unpack this. This is the treatment I would like to try and now it is available.
All good things to those who wait.
Tomorrow is day 58, Sundday is 59 and MOnday 50 – another keyring from GA.
I have everything I need in place to not gamble, and also I have work stuff to build and new opprtunities. Everything I read in the GA handbooks is true, and I just need to trust now. I need to work hard, and expect setbacks along the way, but things can’t get worse as long as I do not gamble. And when not gambling I can work on recovery.
Love to all, this site has helped me so much, as has everyone else here. I hope to post again maybe SUnday evening.
But from me, I want to wish Charlster a very successful treatment in Dudley, the ugliest city in the world, but in the GMA programme full of the loveliest and most special.
Over and out
Mav