E I read everywhere about making a financial plan. I have to live with blowing a months rent and everything in my bank account, no job and no income. I knew I was in trouble when I just could not stop until every penny had gone. I will be evicted before I get any benefits. The guilt I feel about my stupidity keeps coming back at me. I can’t sell anything as I own nothing. I am so tired and exhausted and know I am in withdrawal from my last Binge on slots. On day six recovery now. Over my five years of addiction I have blown hundreds of thousands and before I hit rock bottom I would get my weekly pay and blow all of it within a day. That’s over 1k per week. Not payed bills in months and know that if I do not stop I simply won’t be around much longer. Any suggestions s to what to do. My body aches as well as the exhaustion. Is this a symptom of stopping being a slot (aka crack) fiend

Thank you for replying Vera. Yes it has me completely beat. Woke up today feeling sick to my stomach at how insane everything has gotten. My son in law is giving me 40 quid from an old loan that I gave him. Before gambling I was the person everyone came to for a loan. Now I am 1 step away from skid row. Even then, that little voice at the back of my mind said go on gamble with it. Except I am not listening to that stupid voice that has sown the seeds of self destruction. I have been here before. At the last relapse I was out of work for 4 months, which was a very depressing time. Every day same as the previous one until life finally shifted and then I attracted the same job as the situation I was in ie working for a bankrupt business. I do contract work which is highly paid and I have got into the habit of blowing my weekly pay on gambling. When the relapse starts there is a element of control which very quickly goes out of the window and always ends up in insanity. So I can never ever gamble again. I know and accept that. I hope when you say for every rock bottom there is a trap door doesn’t mean that it is possible to fall even further down or it means a way out! This is certainly a progressive disease with each relapse worse than the last. I need to find that person who I used to be and I agree that it will take time to heal. Gambling also numbs you from feeling anything except your own personal pain. I have surrendered but do not want to go through the 4 months of absolutely nothing that I did earlier in the year. That was soul destroying. Maybe GA is the difference as I did not go to GA when I relapsed last time or seek the help of the forums which are a lifeline. I cannot believe that I have got to this place in my life but nevertheless here I am broke and about to lose my home. Whatever it takes my life is not going to end like this. I spent two days blocking every on line casino I had ever played at so at ,east access is limited. There are still some I haven’t played at that I have found but will not be in action on them. It is better than I hate them. I am now an extinct player…….

I am trapped inside my home with everything falling apart around me. No one understand the depth of how close to the edge I am. I genuinely cannot see a way out and cannot reach it even if there is. My family really do not understand. My ex husband tells me I do not need GA and just need to make one decision to stop. I tell him I have already made that decision. He says I should stop trying to find someone to rescue me. When you can’t save yourself where else is there to go? How bad do things have to get? I am watching the fallout from my last binge and cannot stop it. No one can. . I will not be on the street, I would sooner die. No one responds to the posts on here so I guess I am talking to thin air.

Yes, I was going to see my gp today but did not go because I was too tired. I do not think the samaritans are a wonderful service, sorry. I do not want to talk to a stranger who has no idea how I am feeling. They Also cannot give advice so just make soothing simpering noises that if I find quite nauseating. I have a roof for now, I do have bits of food. I have a phone for about another week till it gets cut off along wih electricity and the internet. I do not own my own home. I rent and they will go ahead and evict. They have already said as such. Priests nope, do not go to church and am out of prayers. Have prayed too much. No reply.

Hi Vera, been a tough week with. Chest pain for 3 dAys which after praying hard, completely disappeared this morning. My situation has not changed, still have the repossession and no benefits for at least 7 weeks. But, went to GA this evening and found it very supportive and helpful. It is a wonderful fellowship and when listening in to everyone’s stories, realised that there are people wih even worse stories than me. So, do I feel different, yes, I have hope.

Yes, stress certainly does cause a lot of physical symptoms. I thought I was having a heart attack or at least a stomach ulcer. My despair started to change when I accepted Christ into my life. I prayed and repented and something started to subtly change from that moment on. I dreamed last night that I was going to a new school and that I could not smoke at this school! Probably that the smoking needs to go at some point too. I still have all the problems my appalling gambling habit created. The GA meeting this evening was very powerful. I am used to being the only woman but we were joined by at least 4 new members this evening, 2 of them women. When I went last week I was completely broken. I am still broken but a work in progress and I don’t feel as terrible as I did last week. I feel thankful for hope, gratefully embracing the possibility that I can change with the support from God and fellowship of GA. I need to transform myself. Yes, gambling can lead us into oblivion from the pain of our lives but knowing that there is hope is a wonderful thing for me, as I thought there was none and the on,y way out of the mess I have created was to end it all. It isn’t. I am working the third step which is surrendering to my higher power. I am noticing it now working in my life, and for that I am thankful.

Yes, stress certainly does cause a lot of physical symptoms. I thought I was having a heart attack or at least a stomach ulcer. My despair started to change when I accepted Christ into my life. I prayed and repented and something started to subtly change from that moment on. I dreamed last night that I was going to a new school and that I could not smoke at this school! Probably that the smoking needs to go at some point too. I still have all the problems my appalling gambling habit created. The GA meeting this evening was very powerful. I am used to being the only woman but we were joined by at least 4 new members this evening, 2 of them women. When I went last week I was completely broken. I am still broken but a work in progress and I don’t feel as terrible as I did last week. I feel thankful for hope, gratefully embracing the possibility that I can change with the support from God and fellowship of GA. I need to transform myself. Yes, gambling can lead us into oblivion from the pain of our lives but knowing that there is hope is a wonderful thing for me, as I thought there was none and the on,y way out of the mess I have created was to end it all. It isn’t. I am working the third step which is surrendering to my higher power. I am noticing it now working in my life, and for that I am thankful.

Spent most of this bank holiday weekend alone and realised that this has been one trigger in the past. The chest and stomach pain returned after abating for 24 hours so I could go to Ga. My brain and body feel tired. I feel like half the person I used to be pregambling and wonder if I am in some sort of withdrawal from the last 48 hour binge. My last relapse was caused in part by a stressful job and also by a sense of hopelessness. After going to Step change, the debt charity in May, a debt management plan would want around two thousAnd per month just on debts till I retire and that just seemed insurmountable. A small pension I was due was cashed in and went on gambling at the beginning of the year. Plus the bailiffs and the constant letters from creditors, most of which sit in a pile unopened until I have the bravery to open them. One such letter I did open this weekend and was surprised to find as a small tax rebate which will cover half of my rent arrears. Thank you Jesus. I owe the IRS thousands and yet they send me a small rebate… the reality of living like this for years and years, and even my pregambling days was rife with debt as the only financial support for my family, takes its toll and am left with a sense of hopelessness, that the debts will never go away and that I have denied myself many things in life by gambling. Can a hopeless situation ever be redeemed? I think only in Christ now can it be so. I wish to be reborn. My previous life has to be over and there must be a better way to live. I am working the third step and surrendering to my higher power. Day 14 today. Odaat.

I just had a chat with m y eldest son about the impact my gambling had on him. Very little he said. I had never borrowed money from him and that this was my form of self harm after having the rug pulled out from under my feet when I had tried hard for so many years pre gambling to keep everything together, more so than anyone else. He said that many times he had warned me about where it would end up and that I had accused him of being judgmental. So, very litle damage to my eldest son aside from gambling away any inheritance money. I know my children well enough to know they don’t place money above other things.

I just had a chat with m y eldest son about the impact my gambling had on him. Very little he said. I had never borrowed money from him and that this was my form of self harm after having the rug pulled out from under my feet when I had tried hard for so many years pre gambling to keep everything together, more so than anyone else. He said that many times he had warned me about where it would end up and that I had accused him of being judgmental. So, very litle damage to my eldest son aside from gambling away any inheritance money. I know my children well enough to know they don’t place money above other things.

Hi Jonny
Thank you so much or your post and words of encouragement. I will certainly do the exercises as I have been an isolated couch potato for a long time. Alas, my children can only help in small ways. At my last relapse, I gave my middle son a certain amount of money every week when I was working. And alas he spent it but has nearly paid me back in a short space of time. I do not blame him for this. He also gambles, not to the insanity I did, but nevertheless it could easily make the switch. My daughters husband gave me 50 quid and my eldest son, who has recently become unemployed says he will buy food when I need it. I have been very reflective. I often wonder what life would have been like if I had role models or mentors. I have not had this in my life and have had to go through life virtually on my own without any wise counsel. I wonder how many people in life also share this and wonder what could have been if the right start in life and emotional support had been in place. One of the issues I will have is that there is no one at all who could manage money for me. None of my family have enough and it would be very shortsighted of me to repeat the same mistake as despite their best efforts they are likely to spend it. Thanks again for your support.

Tough day today. Just as a reminder where the CG in my life has taken me. I would normally receive 1st benefit on 3rd September. Because of my pay that went on gambling I do not qualify for any help till 3rd October. Too late to save the house. Don’t qualify for a loan. Suggestion, go to charity. I now see the CG as the enemy. It can only seek to destroy and it has virtually succeeded.

Thanks for the reply Vera. Still very tough. My work coach tried to find some help for me. There is nothing. I think this addiction won’t let go until it kills me. That is honestly how I feel. No help for me. No answer from the GA people who gave me their phone number. I still don’t understand the statement every rock bottom has a trap door. You mean it can get worse?. I am a professional woman or at least I used to be. Still getting chest pain and the suggestion today was that I should go into a hostel for the homeless? I am beginning to see the only way out now as suicide. I genuinely cannot continue living in this hell. Why have I been abandoned in this way? GI had hoped that things would begin to get better like GA sAid they would but they are just getting worse.

Friends, being a CG brings nothing but pain and despair. I have stopped eating, chain smoke and can’t sleep at the thought of being out on the street. I literally can’t do anything. I feel like I am just waiting to die. Will this pain ever go away? Nowhere to go and nothing to do. Don’t see the point of living. This is as bad as it gets. Looking for a glimmer of hope and finding none.

Hi
Jonny, thanks for the pep talk. I am nearly 60. I am a life long meditator. I have done all the positive affirmations so many times.. Issue is now I don’t believe them because of where my energy is at. It feels like I am finished on many levels. I had a car crash of a telephone interview on Friday, and was forgetful. I forgot where I last worked. But I did just have 20 minutes notice of it and clearly my head was not in the right place. There is now a lack of work in what I do. It has been more difficult to get contracts as I have gotten older over the past couple of years and that is affecting me. It feels hard to go back out into a world I don’t really care much for. Last time out of work was 4 months following a relapse, and the contract I went into did not work out for many reasons least of all doing three people jobs and it being 4 hours dailytravel. Feels insurmountable. It feels like the universe won’t shift until I do. So need to get out of this stuckness.

Hi, no not possible to move I in with family as no room in any oftheir houses. Sons are staying with their father and I already rang him and had to put the phone down. Long lecture that I did not need GA etc. My mother is frail and my sister cares for her. There has always been the assumption from my family that I bounce back and don’t need help. They just don’t get it. You see I really am on my own. Phone help from GA no answer after three tries. Every relapse has pulled me even lower. I know that the CG inside me wanted me to die this time. I know it. There is literally nohelp there. An admission will just prolong my illness even more. I need to step out of that and quickly try and recovery the situation. Except when you keep hitting your head against a brick wall and getting nowhere, you feel that it is pointless. This is more than a wake up call, it is the last chance saloon.

Hi, no not possible to move I in with family as no room in any oftheir houses. Sons are staying with their father and I already rang him and had to put the phone down. Long lecture that I did not need GA etc. My mother is frail and my sister cares for her. There has always been the assumption from my family that I bounce back and don’t need help. They just don’t get it. You see I really am on my own. Phone help from GA no answer after three tries. Every relapse has pulled me even lower. I know that the CG inside me wanted me to die this time. I know it. There is literally nohelp there. An admission will just prolong my illness even more. I need to step out of that and quickly try and recovery the situation. Except when you keep hitting your head against a brick wall and getting nowhere, you feel that it is pointless. This is more than a wake up call, it is the last chance saloon.

After a truly awful week with chest and stomach pain, I went to GA last evening, If there is just one thing i positively dothis week it is to go to GA. I felt the floodgates open prior to Going and sure enough they did open. I was angry with God and then even angrier with myself. It’s not God fault, it’s mine. A member took mefor something to eat after and for a chat which helped a it. I came back and read jonnys posts. I feel the same self blame and guilt, having lost a similar amount of money over 5years. Enough to have bought a house and do e something useful with. This last relapse was the end for me and rock bottom. The cg was at its. It’s destructive. I wonder whether any normality will ever be regained. Virtually destitute, it seems that there is no let up to my abject misery. I wonder whether it is too late for me. Is my God a punishing God. Sometimes I think so. My sister texted me. She looks after my frail mum who almost passed during emergency surgery last year and has recently had cataract surgery and has developed complications so back to the hospital. I cannot bear seeing close family suffering any way. She ended the text with hope all is well with you. Bloody hell, how many times do I have to shout it from the rooftops that all is not well with me. My family just seem to think this is minor and I will bounce back. I know it is not minor, that this is life or death to me. I am still choosing life and hope that life chooses me. day 19. No improvement or let up in my personal situation.

Hi Vera and all,
ThAnks for getting back. Yes, you are right about the impatience. Thanks for the reminder about higher power. Just went for a walk through the park. Feel a little better in myself today. The exhaustion goes when I start to move. The tummy pain has eAsed off after 3 weeks with it. I am forcing myself to eat small amounts regularly as been unable to Eat properly since the repossession order kicked in. Hope this continues and my strength returns.

Thanks I did it for your post of encouragement. Day 22 today. My ex has cooked a great meal so that feels better to get that inside of me and has given me 25 quid. So that is all good. I am going to look for the good in each day which when out of work, every day feels the same. I am grateful to be alive still but do struggle with motivation at the moment. In respect of the rent. I have rung them. They do not want to evict but will. They said they would get their financial inclusion team to call me but that was over a week ago. I will call them again tomorrow. The reason re financial inclusion is that because I have a second bedroom, the benefits system do not pay all the rent and it is 150 short a month which leaves nothing to live on or pay bills. Take note all from the UK, that this Government are criminally responsible for hurting the vulnerable. Well, that rant over, I am just taking it all 1 day at a time,building strength and being aware that something positive will come out of this, even if it serves as a warning to others as to the eventual outcome of a gambling addiction. I am grateful that I only ever used my own money or loans to gamble. In New Life the other day, the GA mag, the end result for the addicted gambler is prison, homelessness, mental institution or suicide. Well, I have been close to the edge with my sanity and am one step away from the homelessness. No more time to be wasted gambling ever again.

Well, finally got to see GP today and told him the whole sorry story. Have to have some tests but being treated for a stomach ulcer. Went to GA this evening and chose a sponsor for working Steps 1 to 3 even though I myself are on step 3,surrendering to my higher power. This works folks. In answer to Charles about how I am filling my days, resting, playing games on my iPad and looking for a job. Have been physically unwell so being easy on myself. Finding GA a great support.

Well, finally got to see GP today and told him the whole sorry story. Have to have some tests but being treated for a stomach ulcer. Went to GA this evening and chose a sponsor for working Steps 1 to 3 even though I myself are on step 3,surrendering to my higher power. This works folks. In answer to Charles about how I am filling my days, resting, playing games on my iPad and looking for a job. Have been physically unwell so being easy on myself. Finding GA a great support.

Well, finally got to see GP today and told him the whole sorry story. Have to have some tests but being treated for a stomach ulcer. Went to GA this evening and chose a sponsor for working Steps 1 to 3 even though I myself are on step 3,surrendering to my higher power. This works folks. In answer to Charles about how I am filling my days, resting, playing games on my iPad and looking for a job. Have been physically unwell so being easy on myself. Finding GA a great support.

Well, not been well with this ulcer hardly able to hold anything in my tum without pain, but the strong ulcer medication I am taking has started to kick in and not in so much pain later today. I am putting together a programme of things I must start to do this week, will let you all know if I succeed or not. Had an email in caps for the bailiffs, this is your last chance etc. Deleted it. Can hardly speak to these horrible people who being to some other human race and make a living out of other people’s misery. Dealing with the debt will come later. For now, I am just focusing on getting physically well and saving my home, if that is possible. Good not to be in so much pain as I was. Left me in tears. I recognise the link between the stress of my situation and ending up with a stomach ulcer. Also the unexpressed emotions of anger and pain that have been stored in my body and are now being released for healing. That is the way I like to see it. That this is a release and the only way I can go is further along the recovery path. Day 27 today. Odaat with my higher power running this particular show.

Well done on chairing a GA meeting. It means that you are really doing well in your recovery to the extent that you are helping others which you do anyway on this site. We are all grateful for that as if you didn’t most of the time we would be talking to thin air. I am really pleased for you. On the diet, I have not been able to eat anything much for the past 4 weeks ever since the repossession notice firstly because I was in so much pain and secondly because there is hardly any food around. Once I get back on my feet, the diet has to get better and the smoking will have to go also.But one thing ata time. The medication is kicking in and the pain much reduced. I managed to eat some chicken soup and noodles this evening with hardly any pain, whereas before it was hours of pain after eating previously. My tv has packed in which is a good thing as I am looking at energy medicine techniques to use to make me feel better and also reading self help type stuff. Will let you know how I get on with those. My hours when I am out of work go very weird, I am up most of the night and sleep during the day till after 12. That will need to change soon too.

Hi, we have insomnia in common then Vera. Today I spoke to my sponsor this morning, who recommended watching GA speakers which I did. This was inspiring and funny. This afternoon I did a course in discipleship with feedback from a coach. I am finding in Jesus hope and regaining my strength. The old life had to go and be reborn again. There was just too much pain and crap in it. The meds have kicked in quickly and I no longer have pain after I eat.

Hi Vera/all
Yes, my day was not that productive either. I woke up quite tired and slept till 12. Took my ex partners dog for a walk which I dont do that often and he dragged me all round the park chasing squirrels. Rang my sponsor and was invited to a step 4 meeting tomorrow evening which I will go to. Yes, Vera it is on YouTube just google GA speakers. It was an American guy and the well know British ex soldier who hit the newspapers with his story. Tomorrow day 30. One day at a time.

Another quiet day today slept for long periods. Was ina bit of what i call a therapy fog from yesterdays GA meeting. I had been having some memories come to consciousness of my fathers physical and emotional abuse when I was a child. I had dealt with this many years ago and had forgiven him particularly after he passed in 2006. But these memories came to mind yesterday which I guess is part of the healing
Process. We had a GA session last week on the link between pain and spiritual growth. Met with my sponsor before the GA step 4 meeting yesterday. A number of people at the meeting including my sponsor were going through something. The speaker had attempted suicide with enough pills to kill an an elephant and was in a coma for days and left with a permanent disability because of it. I resonated with the deep place of pain that this addiction can leave you with where suicide seems tobetheonlyoption. Part of my addiction was fuelled by having had quite a painful life and wanting an end to that. My sponsor said to me that suicide is a choice. I chided him today and said never that to someone who is suicidal. I myself a wondering how long I will be in the purgatory I am in now and the message I got was that all things pass andnothing is permanent which I am holding on to. I am Ok in myself, still tired somewhat, but free of pain which is good,

Hi Vera,
Most appropriate for now. Thanks Vera.

Well, have been fighting off depression over my situation. My eldest son rang and said he would send my middle son round to pay 200 pounds off my rent arrears but not to me but directly to my landlord. My middle son was the one that spent the money I gave him when I was working. He has paid most of it back and the rest he is unable to payback. He explained that business has been very quiet and he had been having a losing streak and owed the poker club a few hundred. Concerned about his gambling. He believes he has control. He is meeting a young man similar to him shortly who has made a lot of money from an app he invented when he was eleven. My son was quite embarrassed because he is very smart and does the same profession. Whilst my son is broke this youn manis making shedloads of money and is much younger than y sons thirty three years. I rang my landlord who said they would not action the court until 3rd Octoberwhen I should receive my first benefit payment. That was somewhat of a relief. Trickles of hope and movement. Went to GA this evening which was a strength and hope meeting. Only female tonight. One of the older members spoke about his days in prison and his obsession with gambling having been brought up wit it since a child. There are a lot of these older guys who have been in and out of prison because of gambling. Got my thirty day gambling free pin tonight. Not as well attended as usual this evening maybe because of the tube bombings. God be with all the injured and their families.

Hi all
I have spent a lot of time reading everyone’s threads and journals today and just wanted to comment on Project 60. I was a late starter to gambling when life had become difficult and unbearable. I was 54 and have been addicted for five and a half years. I am now broke, unemployed and trying to save myself from homelessness. I am 60 in 2 months so I will have to have project 66, the retirement age in the Uk. Having been to Step change four months ago when working, I know that it it will take three years of huge monthly payments to get clear. This in part triggered my last relapse as I knew it was undoable and who wants to work all the way until retirement just to payoff huge debts. I think I can take some courage from Vera who is doing just this i.e. Retirement fund replacement. The small pension I was due went on gambling earlier this year and will need replacement. Who knows what the future holds. I know it will get better by not gambling even if the way out of all this debt right now seems insurmountable. I have been close to bankruptcy a number of times while gambling. My niece and sister have both been bankrupt so at least keepingitinthe family. Bankruptcy however means I can no longer work in my profession which is why a big part of me still wAnts to pay off the huge debt I have accumulated. I had alternative new age hobbies that I could have turned into a business but none of these delivered on their promise and I see many unhappy people with unhappy lives who put their trust in healers, alternative therapists etc who ended up with nothing but heartache. So, my alternative career has gone and I now need to rediscover other pursuits. I think only through Jesus will I be able to live each day. All of my dreams and hopes are gone, and I am not really sure what will replace them. Difficult when you no longer believe in the things you used to as this is what I was going to do in the later stages of my life.

Yes I think you are right. Some of the new age teachers I learned from actually hurt me quite a bit and no healing came from it. One told me I had committed suicide in a past life which was a headf……..for a long while. Ended up very disillusioned. So it is simply and powerfully Jesus now. Just like Doreen virtue who has denounced all her old teachings and converted to Christianity.

Yes I think you are right. Some of the new age teachers I learned from actually hurt me quite a bit and no healing came from it. One told me I had committed suicide in a past life which was a headf……..for a long while. Ended up very disillusioned. So it is simply and powerfully Jesus now. Just like Doreen virtue who has denounced all her old teachings and converted to Christianity.

Yes I think you are right. Some of the new age teachers I learned from actually hurt me quite a bit and no healing came from it. One told me I had committed suicide in a past life which was a headf……..for a long while. Ended up very disillusioned. So it is simply and powerfully Jesus now. Just like Doreen virtue who has denounced all her old teachings and converted to Christianity.

Well large meal last night and tummy pain from it but I overate. I slept for 20 hours. Does anyone else get sleeping sickness when the autumn equinox comes along? This afternoon I have spent on line supporting two members who have relapsed, one of whom has hit their personal rock bottom. Another on line friend who is usually very strong in abstinence has emotional difficulties with their family and has urges. The rock bottom I have directed to Gordon moody as GA too far to travel and does not drive. Shame that GA can be a little too geographically spread out. Gambling is the devil On our shoulder that knows only destruction, maybe not now but it is patient and bides it’s time each relapse taking us further down. Not for me, not for today. No more sad stories

Haven’t posted for a few days as get fed up wth no replies. I have been sleeping a lot and realised that I am clinically depressed so self referred for counselling. A job that I was going to be offered fell through as I realised the expenses were too high, at least 1k per month, so too far really and I would not be able to clam thembackuntilyear end. The work coach at the dole office would not give me the fare help to get to a interview to discuss the logistics of the job. Right job and organisation but just wrong location. Had some spiritual counselling this evening which I found helpful to the extent I went out of the house to the shop. My daughter has invited me to stay with her for a short while by the coast which I am considering.

Thanks Jonny. I do have a sponsor at GA and we are starting the Step work tomorrow. I also post regularly at rethink ga bling where I have a couple of lady kindred spirits with a lot in common. This is the site where I receive the least replies except for yourself, Vera and I did it. I had read all your posts Jonny and can relate very well to your experience. I am trying to learn patience but not much has changed. Ga folk say I am doing well. My answer to that is that 41 days is nothing, I once stayed stopped for nine months. My usual is 3 to 4 months then relapse. I have no money at all. The real test is having money and consistently staying clean. Thanks for replying Jonny, I feel like I know you and your struggles with gambling from your posts.

Woke up feeling very tired. Told my 1st benefit will be delayed until I produce other medical certificate. No let up at day 45. Have been avoiding opening letters and phone calls from debt collectors for some time as cannot deal with it. Spoke to one today who said that as I had a mental Heath problem would not call for another thirty days. This brought it all home to me today. This situation feels like it will never end. No money since the eleventh august. This is the uk folks. I am getting tired and cannot tolerate this situation for much longer. Given food bank vouchers for one miles away. Day 45. Still no change.

Hi,
Thanks I did it. I find the same when I need support and I really do at the moment. It’s a desert. I just came off another forum as a member posted exactly what they think about my ex partner and my children not helping me. It was an opinionated arrogant male clearly ego driven gambler. It hurt. I have been to step change twice the first time same as you, the second time a bit more helpful. It is bankruptcy which kills my career off. I cannot even face any of that right now, I think I will come on to the Gordon Moody groups.

Hi Jon and Vera
Vera I just caught your post. Only read I did it’s as very used to no response! I was beginning to think the world would not miss me at all so I relate to your own comments Vera. The trouble with being down and there being no let up is that some people get very angry for seemingly being negative and bringing them down. This male very arrogant poster was basically saying I had no one, that my ex had been using me and that my children don’t care. This plunged me into an even worse place than I already was. I wrote back and said he had no idea, was arrogant and opinionated and that I would stop posting on the rethink site. He is still actively gambling and boasts about his income. I have felt so tired with all of this. Jon, when you say things will fall into place, I have my doubts. At my last relapse, it took 4 months. I cannot go that long in this situation. You would think there was some mercy in life, wouldn’t you but all I keep getting is harshness to ensure I learn the lesson. Well, it’s learned. Universe, give e a break ffs.

Hi Jon and Vera
Vera I just caught your post. Only read I did it’s as very used to no response! I was beginning to think the world would not miss me at all so I relate to your own comments Vera. The trouble with being down and there being no let up is that some people get very angry for seemingly being negative and bringing them down. This male very arrogant poster was basically saying I had no one, that my ex had been using me and that my children don’t care. This plunged me into an even worse place than I already was. I wrote back and said he had no idea, was arrogant and opinionated and that I would stop posting on the rethink site. He is still actively gambling and boasts about his income. I have felt so tired with all of this. Jon, when you say things will fall into place, I have my doubts. At my last relapse, it took 4 months. I cannot go that long in this situation. You would think there was some mercy in life, wouldn’t you but all I keep getting is harshness to ensure I learn the lesson. Well, it’s learned. Universe, give e a break ffs.

Thanks Jonny, I have always related to your story. I have lived my life at work mostly to get away from my personal and family life which has always been a bit of a shambles, so without it I am quite bereft. But I do acknowledge right now that I have a lot of medical issues to sort out plus the depression. Bit of a vicious cycle, Work stops me being so depressed. I am in the hole for sixty five big ones. I always had debt of around 50 grand even before I gambled from supporting single handed the family over the years but everything I earned in the last 5 years has gone on gambling. I guess life just got too much when you look back and realise that you have made some very poor choices in life but did not have the best start. Jon, I read your posts about your back surgery and I think you have remarkable courage and strength. I appreciate yours,Vera and jappys response to my posts.

Yes, jappy I am a kind person and cannot bear to see others suffering in life. Yet I have put myself through the wringer. I mean really put myself through it. The gambling definitely pressed the self destruct button. I keep asking myself how I got from this unwell, but recovered from cancer, very solvent professional woman to the wreckage of today. Gambling gambling gambling. In GA the other night I read the I am Addiction text. If you have ever read, it, I recommend you do. It is frightening and horrifying. But that is what addiction does.

Hi,all,
Got an apology from the poster who laid into the fact that i have no emotional support and that neither my ex or children care. This hurt me so much I was just blubbing most of the day. I had also started Step 1 on powerlessness and when I thought about what I had tried to do to stop, I realised that when I was away from home working as I had been for 17 months till October last year I never gambled. I was happy. All my issues Were at home as when I came home I would binge gamble. I knew this mentally but I really felt the emotions of it today. Not feeling like it all, i went and had the tests done that I should have had done three weeks ago.The bloods took much less time than expected, didn’t hurt a bit and someone had kindly left a book from my favourite crime writer to read whilst I was waiting. Went to see my gp without an appointment. Receptionist took one look at me and I got seen straight away. My GP was a little curt, I could see he was under pressure, but we did the depression checklist and I was off the scale but low for anxiety. He said to continue with GA, chase up counselling but no antidepressants as in danger of taking the lot. Gave me a month certificate. I felt like I was invisibly helped and supported today. I glanced in the mirror at the Gpsurgery and saw I had deep shadows and bags under my eyes. I just could not stop blubbing. My sponsor had warned me that stuff will come up when we start Step work. Vera, have you had experience of this? My sponsor texted to say he would not be at the meeting tonight and I also said I would not either as I was an emotional wreck. We are talking tomorrow. Do I have urges in response to all this emotional pain? No, I do not. I am not putting myself through this again, not for anything.

Hi Vera,
Thanks for posting. I requested a sponsor as I knew I could not do this on my own. I have no emotional supports in my life so I knew that I needed help in respect of this. If you wanted to do steps 1 to 3, there was always someone to speak to at the end of the meeting. The meetings I go to are very well structured, which was certainly not the case with the 1st meeting I went to one year previously which was why I did not return as there was lots of disruptive cross talk I think GA is patchy by meetings in how well run it is. The steps are all written work and I will be given my own file to keep those in. The meetings have subject matter every four weeks i.e. Steps one week, experience strength and hope the next etc. I think it is the thought that brings the emotion… have spent too long in this life with no emotional support. Honesty is encouraged at GA. If we cannot be honest there then where can we be? However, it does leave one vulnerable I guess and I wonder about how much one should open up in a group setting particularly when I am usually, but no always, the only woman. Hence not going this evening as I did not want anyone to see the emotional mess I was in. I have always been known for my emotional detachment in my work as this makes one very effective in what one does, and I would not want to linger for very long in this state as I will just end up a jibbering emotional wreck and I do not want that to be the case. I appreciate you looking in on me Vera and I hope that you are doing Ok. Love and best regards to you.

Thanks I did it. When we are rock bottom and down there any attack hits us at our core. For me when I know I have not a huge amount of support, and certainly very little emotional support,it is awful when someone says my ex is using me and my children don’t care. But how much support should we expect. I have ever had emotional support from my ex, he is a mans man and just does t function in that way. He sleeps on the floor in my front room. But he cooks meals, just gave me a tenner and some cigs. So to me that is support, maybe practical support but without that I would not be alive right is, But I am aware that we both have to move on, this is what the attack showed me, that I was ga bling free with no urges when away from home. My ex still loves me in his own way but not in the way that I need and going nearly 6 years with no physical closeness or emotional support is tantamount to torture for me, so I really have to look at that. It is something that is very important to me as I like to express but there is nowhere to do it, outlet. So I tried to destroy myself through gambling thinking to not be around would be the solution. That is insane but it comes from a place of deep loneliness and existential grief. I tried to move to my daughters by the coast but they did not have the room, and that was a big blow for me which triggered what will all the final relapse and self destruct. I even took a contract that was near to where they lived but the job was totally the wrong backward minded culture for me to work in. My middle son has a gambling habit it has been there at the worsted you relapses but has kept away for the past couple of weeks because he is also broke, Myeldest rings me every ten days or so and says if I need shopping he will do it. But he is unemployed for some months after full employment a bit like me. His girlfriend who has just started university hadtihsve a termination of pregnancy recently because neither have the capacity or living environment to bring s child into the world. Everyone is dealing with their own stuff. So how much support should we expect? My family are not used to seeing me completely fall apart, well certainly not in my pre gambling and it’s like they dont really believe it. It’s weird. Friends of mine in the nineties committed suicide and within of them I am still not totally,over it. It was a desert for both of them. O eu derstod the depth of their despair. I know if I did the same my family would ask themselves could I have done more? And the answer would sadly be yes, they could have done a huge amount more. That hurts. Have slept for very long periods and still a little tearful. But ok. Did not call my sponsor as I think he is facing some issues at the moment,

Sorry for the typos in my previous post. It is my iPad which seems to miss out letters sometimes.

Hi, I was brought up by my dad and my children see me as dad and their dad as mum. My dad was physically and emotionally abusive when I hit early teens. He did a lot,of damage to me and my sister but I forgave him when he passed in2006. i went to work and brought home the bacon whilst their dad stayed at home. Itisall so confused. They only ever ran to me when they needed money. As I have previously mentioned I have lived my life at work. Only there could I find some sort of stability and sense of satisfaction. Sad really but true.

I really appreciate both your responses I did it and Jon. Do you prefer Jon or Jonny? A life coach is a luxury i cannnot afford right now. No money since 11th august and 1st sickness benefit due next week. Awful, pauper at moment when I blew thousands and thousands over 5 years, as much as you did Jon. That guilt is hard to shake off and guilt always seeks punishment.
Easy not to gamble when you have nothing. Proof will always come when I have money coming in. This does feel like purgatory and a punishment on day 47. I have been here before but not as low as this. I don’t know what it is going to take to shift this or if it ever will and this is the decline. Thanks for your replies both, it really does mean a lot. I will look up your threads and see how you are getting on.

Yes, for me it was also the rush, the ups and downs and just to continue for as long as possible. Once you play the slots for about say 15 to 20 mins you enter the slot trance and then you are really screwed. 48 hours was my longest and also my last. Money to me is an energy and the means for life to be more comfortable. when GA talk about the big shot mentality and the love of money, this is where i completely disagree with them. It was never about that for me. I had tons of money before I started gambling and it was more around throwing it away and self destructing. Foolish I know but the addiction to the rush set in and there we are. Today, broke,hungry some times and on day 47.

Well, my stomach symptoms moved lower today, which I had earlier in the year. 2 hours of cramps. Awful. I had so had enough and prayed with all my heart for help. I got the message that the cramps would stop, and to hold on as things will improve. The cramps did stop but today I saw how desperate my situation really is and how close to the edge I am in many ways. It feels like it will never end. I am so tired of it. When we are alone and there is no one to help us all we can do is pray. There is nothing else.

Hi Vera,
Thanks for your concern. Yes, the cramps did stop,and it was within a few minutes of getting the message. I should get my test results in a few days. As well as an Ulcer I think I may have helicobacter pylori in my entire gut. Helicobacter pylori is the bacteria that causes stomach ulcers but can infect the entire intestinal tract. side effect of this bacteria is depression…I listened to some Christian based sound healing frequencies music last night and I have to say my deeply depressed mood had lifted a little today.
I went to deliver my medical certificate to my work coach today and even though he said he would be there he was out for 2 days which would be after the timeline I had been given to receive my 1st benefit. So half an hour holding on the phone to let someone know. My benefit will be short on the rent by about 100 a month and leave me 40 pounds a week to live on for food and all bills. It is scandalous and on the same day that the Tory fool Hammond says in response to this scandal of long waits than has hit the headlines tha people waiting should get a loan. Try getting a loan when you are a CG. Laughable and lamentable these complete imbeciles that govern in the Uk. My rent arrears have gone up significantly as waited seven and a half weeks for 1st benefit. I have to pay my mobile phone tomorrow and don’t have it. I am being visited
by the housing association tomorrow to see that I am getting all that I am entitled to. It is all well and good to have the principle to look after yourself but unfortunately no means to do it. My GP won’t prescribe antidepressants as I am a suicide risk and that this is a reactionary depression,to being virtually destitute, unemployed and at serious risk of losing my home. Idid apply for a couple of jobs this evening. The mood lifts sometimes sufficiently todo that as previously I was unable to. Must sit in my messy bedroom on the iPad. Can’t even watch to as there is so much trash on it!

What I meant to say is mostly sit in my bedroom on the iPad and also cannot watch TV!

What I meant to say is mostly sit in my bedroom on the iPad and also cannot watch TV!

I will try the groups soon. I find this site and even the forum posts quite hard to navigate so the groups may pose a challenge. Also long journals like Vera’s no page up or down on my iPad so have to scroll all the way down and difficult to get to the different pages. Often posts twice even when you press it once. And p gambling caused all my problems, would be very well off it hadn’t done it. I do keep saying that it is easy to,quit when you have nothing. The real challenge is paydays. I did it, I will post on your thread the link. There are are samples on there. I found 1, 3 and 6 to be the most beneficial.

I will try the groups soon. I find this site and even the forum posts quite hard to navigate so the groups may pose a challenge. Also long journals like Vera’s no page up or down on my iPad so have to scroll all the way down and difficult to get to the different pages. Often posts twice even when you press it once. And p gambling caused all my problems, would be very well off it hadn’t done it. I do keep saying that it is easy to,quit when you have nothing. The real challenge is paydays. I did it, I will post on your thread the link. There are are samples on there. I found 1, 3 and 6 to be the most beneficial.

Hi all,
Thanks for the post Vera. Hope life is treating you well. Well, it was of some help. She tells me many vulnerable people in the Uk in desperate straits because of the Uk government targeting the vulnerable. It has taken 51 days to get any financial help. This scandal has hit the headlines as many disabled people and unemployed people have had cuts to their benefits and have committed suicide. We went through a budget and would have to pay the shortfall,in bedroom tax and towards arrears which will leave enough to pay mobile phone and broadband per month. Nothing for fuel, food,or bills. She is going to try and get myfuel debt cancelled and apply for a grant for bankruptcy. I am waiting for my test results as I know something is not right in wholeof my GI system. I had to laugh today as a prankster ha does the Maybot our prime minister her P45 when she was giving her speech. Radical,change is required here in the Uk. Give tax cuts to the rich and starve the poor is their policy.
Well, that rent over, my son rang me.my granddaughter is going off the rails just as I did as a teen and he wants to try and move her back to London. If that is the case she would live with me but there are a lot of hoops to jump through before that can happen. He recognises that the family are all isolated and that we need to come together. He is taking the lead on ensuring this happens as he recognises he is living a similar type of life to me, and wants to do an intervention with the fs I,y to ensure we right the sins of our parents and our own. I am proud of him for doing this. He is stepping up the the plate as the lead hour depleted, disparate and geographically isolated. His ex mrs married a rich man and took two of his children to live in Scotland. She is now divorcing this man after 5 years as all she wanted was some stability coming from a dysfunctional family background even worse than our own. So he may see more of his boys, rather than the Skype and odd weekends, summer hols. So much disruption in their young lives, she leaves my son, takes the children to Scotland, gets married and 5 years later divorced again. At least they get to see their dad, I never got to see my mum until I was fifteen…

Just did another long post which has disappeared. How frustrating is that? If at all possible I would like to avoid going bankrupt as it ends my career as well. I wonder if something major is wrong and that I would do in that case. My son has also said that he would decorate my home. He lives in one room in his paternal grandmothers house. It isn’t in the best of shape that house hence needing my flat. This brings me to having to make a decision I have long put off and not faced. Pete, who has helped me all this year whilst in and out of action, I will need to ask him to leave. Part of my gambling was caused by thee ending of our relationship 6 years ago. A lack of emotional connection and intimacy destroyed me as it has always been important. I mean not even a hug, just practical support as and when needed. This has the capability to,really do my head in but I have given this to my higher power, Jesus Christ to work things out for the greater good,of all concerned. Off to GA shortly. Have done Step One written work on powerlessness and attempts to gain control.

After a long dry spell, both my sons are now working and earning a good wage for now, which is good news. My eldest said my middle son would pay me back the rest of what he owes, which is not much now but will help. I said as long as he doesn’t spend it on the poker tables. Y eldest son laughed and said my middle son is way too busy now and working flat out with no time for poker. Yea!

Plus I feel still a lot of guilt. I should have used the money I had to help the family,y more than I did. But it was difficult when my eldest would not even visit me in the hospital when I had cancer surgery because of Pete. I don’t blame him for this but I will be forced to make a choice, and it will be my family.

This was the topic this evening on some good shares
My emotional triggers
Start of compulsive gambling
Relationship going west on day I came out of hospital, big blow to my self esteem
Two of my front teeth falling out when I was at work in a meeting, yes really
Lack of physical affection and touch from anyone
Not facing the relationship issue and working away from home to avoid it. But I did not gamble and was happy away from home. Would start to gamble as soon as I got home
Lack of emotional support throughout my life
All members of my family constantly asking for money when I was doing well
Loneliness
Boredom
No personal or home life
Wondering why I had the life that I have had

Perpetual abstinence and relapse cycle
As above. Going past the point of no return financially and knowing the siuation was irreparable
My business collapsing as I used all the money to gamble with
Feeling unlovable and knowing I would never have a relationship again
What’s the point?

Final relapse
Trying to move to my daughters house by the coast knowing that this environment calmed me is the sea. Took a job to be closer. the job did not work out and I realised that there was no room in their house and the commitment to build a granny flat was never going to happen.
Going to step change and realising that 2 grAnd a month on my debts till I retire was undoable and losing hope and w ting the suffering to end.
Being hounded for years by debt collectors and bailiffs.

Now there is some honesty.

Went through Step 1 written work. My sponsor said that listening to it was painful and how did I feel about it. I said I no longer feel any pain about it. Have cried all my tears and it is what it is.

Thanks for your post of encouragement I did it. Yes, I am very honest. I think the humility that comes from GA listening to shares promotes honesty. I am happy to be honest as to how I feel cos only then can healing happen. Still the only woman at the meeting.

Yes, honesty is quite liberating in its own way. Even if it is being honest with ones own pain. Not nice going through emotional pain alone though. The saying laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone is so true. But it bloody well shouldn’t be Iike that, how about cry and you will find comfort, support and peace. That sounds much better. I ha e just officially made a change to that saying, I don’t mind being the only woman as I have always enjoyed male company… but you do sometimes wonder what the men are thinking about in some of my shares. Not that it matters that much. I always find the GA meetings incredibly helpful. I said at the start that I wasn’t going to make the coffees and teas so don’t ask but I guess at some point I will.

Yes, honesty is quite liberating in its own way. Even if it is being honest with ones own pain. Not nice going through emotional pain alone though. The saying laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone is so true. But it bloody well shouldn’t be Iike that, how about cry and you will find comfort, support and peace. That sounds much better. I ha e just officially made a change to that saying, I don’t mind being the only woman as I have always enjoyed male company… but you do sometimes wonder what the men are thinking about in some of my shares. Not that it matters that much. I always find the GA meetings incredibly helpful. I said at the start that I wasn’t going to make the coffees and teas so don’t ask but I guess at some point I will.

Hi I did it, thanks for trying to understAnd!
loss of money, guilt over that but that isnt the primary issue. I should not have blown thousands and thousands but I was sick, addicted, not able to feel any happiness unless I was working overseas. Money I see as an energy that you cannot be attached to. I had a lot and now I have none. All things can change again, if GOd allows it.
My biggest worry is of decline, that I had a number of chances to change and I did not. I am concerned at why a part of me, ego, systematically decided to destroy me, the self destruction. I was addicted to playing, win or lose. I think it was the emotional triggers mentioned but it was a far deeper spiritual crisis than just that. I have mento ed about the healing courses I have done and have also gone for healing. over the 5 years of my addiction, the learning and the healers I met, shamans and egomaniacs, drove me further and further into the abyss and I was really wanting to serve God in this capacity. There was a wrongnessin some of what I was learning hence shifting to born again Christian recently. I don’t understand it but there are many many thousands of new agers who have made the radical switch this year, as I have, now to Christianity. there is a large group on Facebook. As isaid, I don’t understand it at all.
Physical pain, there is something wrong with my Gi tract. I was given the all clear from kidney cancer in July and my bloods were normal. As soon as I got the repossession order after the binge I became ill in my guts. Very linked. And the depression was deep, plus the exhaustion. I had just started to be very successful, making a lot of money and then cancer started, the relationship went and the addiction took hold for five and a half long years,with long periods of abstinence and then binges that lost everything, build up, lose everything over and over again. I do not like physical pain, I had 2 years of it after cancer and have had enough. So when my guts kick off all I can do is pray. My fear is that God wont forgive me, that he won’t allow me recovery, that I should have known better and that this is my punishment. but would that not be cruel? inherently I know that is wrong and that God is Good. Well for the greater good perhaps, and that means bad things can happen to us. One persons demise may serve a greater purpose. That sucks though and i do not like to think k we are pawns in e great tapestry of life now would like to enjoy life once more as I have not really enjoyed life for years, unless I was away. It is a question of faith. My faith wavers when I am in pain, I want the pain to stop. Does God care about that? I think JEsus does. I got a letter today to make an appointment to see my Gp about test results so I automatically think the worst, cos I started out as a nurse, and I know a bit about medicine, my family all come to me with their ailments. And then I think, I did this to me, so what the hellis wrong with me? I am rambling but this is how I feel.
Emotional pain, not there all the time and if I was working in a great job, it probably would not be there at all. Any clearer.? I will check out Charles group.

Hi I did it, thanks for trying to understAnd!
loss of money, guilt over that but that isnt the primary issue. I should not have blown thousands and thousands but I was sick, addicted, not able to feel any happiness unless I was working overseas. Money I see as an energy that you cannot be attached to. I had a lot and now I have none. All things can change again, if GOd allows it.
My biggest worry is of decline, that I had a number of chances to change and I did not. I am concerned at why a part of me, ego, systematically decided to destroy me, the self destruction. I was addicted to playing, win or lose. I think it was the emotional triggers mentioned but it was a far deeper spiritual crisis than just that. I have mento ed about the healing courses I have done and have also gone for healing. over the 5 years of my addiction, the learning and the healers I met, shamans and egomaniacs, drove me further and further into the abyss and I was really wanting to serve God in this capacity. There was a wrongnessin some of what I was learning hence shifting to born again Christian recently. I don’t understand it but there are many many thousands of new agers who have made the radical switch this year, as I have, now to Christianity. there is a large group on Facebook. As isaid, I don’t understand it at all.
Physical pain, there is something wrong with my Gi tract. I was given the all clear from kidney cancer in July and my bloods were normal. As soon as I got the repossession order after the binge I became ill in my guts. Very linked. And the depression was deep, plus the exhaustion. I had just started to be very successful, making a lot of money and then cancer started, the relationship went and the addiction took hold for five and a half long years,with long periods of abstinence and then binges that lost everything, build up, lose everything over and over again. I do not like physical pain, I had 2 years of it after cancer and have had enough. So when my guts kick off all I can do is pray. My fear is that God wont forgive me, that he won’t allow me recovery, that I should have known better and that this is my punishment. but would that not be cruel? inherently I know that is wrong and that God is Good. Well for the greater good perhaps, and that means bad things can happen to us. One persons demise may serve a greater purpose. That sucks though and i do not like to think k we are pawns in e great tapestry of life now would like to enjoy life once more as I have not really enjoyed life for years, unless I was away. It is a question of faith. My faith wavers when I am in pain, I want the pain to stop. Does God care about that? I think JEsus does. I got a letter today to make an appointment to see my Gp about test results so I automatically think the worst, cos I started out as a nurse, and I know a bit about medicine, my family all come to me with their ailments. And then I think, I did this to me, so what the hellis wrong with me? I am rambling but this is how I feel.
Emotional pain, not there all the time and if I was working in a great job, it probably would not be there at all. Any clearer.? I will check out Charles group.

You will become ill with cancer, you will survive it but you will start gambling and it will destroy you. Don’t. Do it…..

I finally got my benefit from 11th August when signed on and then sickness benefit on 4th OCtober at 6pm. Paid rent plus bedroom tax and a small agreed amount towards arrears plus mobile phone and that leaves around 150 till 4th November. I sincerely hope the doc tomorrow has Ok news. Now shall I gamble with it? Not bloody likely. Been there done that, destruction, lets now move on. On the positive, this may mean that Court actions repossess my home will now be averted but I need to check that is now the case. Don’t like watching tv any more so posting a lot today.
I gotta get well and get back to work.

Thank you both. Vera, your spot on. All illnesses are rooted in the emotions and life experience . This is so uncomfortable when I know I have done this to myself! I am also aware that my deep depression caused by gambling has not done me any favours physically. I have had a spiritual practice since I was 23 but this went to pot when I started gambling and the meetings are not held any more. This was non religious but it definitely saved me at age 23 when I was in a lot of trouble . I practiced this from 23 to 56 and it served me well pre gambling. But i have done a 360 degree turn as I realised that every time I had wandered off on my own devices I get into trouble. I also recognise sin in our lives whereas new agey stuff doesn’t recognise this at all. I do and I also recognise Jesus as my lord and saviour. New agey stuff focuses on I am as in we can be God and manifest whatever we desire ala the secret. I think this is misguided. we are not God but have God within us We are flawed human beings. This isnt a religious discussion incidentally but part of my path In trusting and understanding myhigher power, particularly as everything I believed in has only just recently proved to be false coinciding with.my recent conversion . Butihad lost my faith anyway with the pain and problems post surgery. Yes, my spiritual counsellor,who I saw just once for intercession suggested alpha. It was clear that this was a one off session. I was Ok with God before the cancer but not in the same way as I view things now. I really asked to to be shown a way to live life well. had always been quite bohemian and liberal as in anything goes as long as it doesn’t harm another human being, but very conformist career wise. The personal and the professional persona were miles apart and I struggled with this. I recognise I am not unique in this. And Vera, I like your words, disordered spirituality, that is exactly what my faith had become. I used God all the time in gambling to save me like I was texting him… Which is faith misplaced and disordered. I get free will. Thanks for your lovely words Vera. I Anita moorjanis book dying to be me, when she died of cancers dcameba khealed, she said that she saw why this had happened to her. It was it from God, but her emotional state and fears that had caused it. Ithinki better practice at being happy, seems the only way to be… to keep yourself well. Thanks both, I kinda get it!

Like I was texting him, I mesnt testing him lol
When she came back healed, it wasn’t from God, but herself

yes, I googled the other day but could not find one near. The church down the road does one but was not on there. I will check out the local church. You are on here as much as me I did it. it’s 2am now here and as usual still wide awake.

Me too i did it and I am pleased to have met the good people on this site and at GA. well, my doctor rang me and my self diagnosis was correct. Helicobacter pylori positive, which is the stomach ulcer creating bacteria, so need treatment for that and also to go in for an abdo exam. Liver function has been abnormal over time with elevated gamma GT associated with alcohol except I am teetotal. So probable non alcoholic fatty liver. Repeat test in two months. Relieved for now as could have been a lot worse. But I became very reflective for an hour or so. radical change required in exercise, diet., cigs. Not all at once though. My diet has been appalling for some time and in the past Seven weeks of no money even worse. Literally starved for the first couple of weeks . Clear the self harm gambling caused and the desire to destroy myself was working well in my life leading to self neglect and huge financial stress. contemplating all this. On the recovery journey now. So much to reverse and put right.

Aside from the ulcer, infection causes
Sleep problems, yes
Depression yes
Anxiety yes sometimes
exhaustion,yes and explains why I am so tired
Malabsorption of nutrients, quite possibly

I realise I had these symptoms all year, although the tummy pain increased tenfold when I got the repossession order. Coupled with all the dopamine and serotonin issues related to gambling I must be a Biochemical mess. Think I need a nutritional consult. Except I am broke. Gotta find a way of making some money that does not require massive effort. Got a rejection for a job today that am well qualified for. This does not bother me as I’m know that whatever is meant to be is meant to be.

No, I haven’t been tested for coeliac but I hav e noticed some foods exacerbate the lower gut problems mostly sugars. Looked it all up in my nutritional medicine bible and it says to avoid wheat based foods and complex starches, bread, pasta and potatoes which I think has to be avoided in Coeliac disease. Not feeling brill today, probably due to going to sleep at 6.30 am and getting an early morning call from my Gp, and not going back to sleep. Have a slight cough from smoking too much due to tiredness and boredom. Regime of cutting down cigs to start tomorrow. Have written a list of vits to get plus I don’t drink water, just tea and coffee. So to the shops tomorrow with my pittance get the green tea, etc. So radical change required across all elements of life, physical, mental and spiritual. Recovery across all three now my mission.

So recovery across all 4 now my mission.

Dragged myself off to GA tonight coughing and spluttering which will teach me to,smoke my head off since abstinence and being sick. I am not good at being unwell. Always worth going. It was a reading this evening about being ourselves, and about how many of us did t really know ourselves before we were in the rooms of GA in terms of honesty without any pretence.
certainly the recovery process is about allowing those emotions and wounds to come to the surface. It is tough work which takes courage, although you wouldn’t really want to stay there. It is the hurt child that often seems to come up which perpetuates itself in adulthood. Lemsip and off to bed now.

Yes, I woke up today breathless, that run down feeling and with a very bad cough. Pete knew how bad it was as without prompting or asking he went and bought me some benylin. Slept for long,periods. Not able to go,out today as not feeling well enough. I think it was the great Louise Hay who said that at first when we try to make changes things may get worse for a little while, i.e. We work on improving our health and we get sick. Hope this is just another blip.

When people post that they won or got their money back, this is the only thing that slightly rattles me. You get the ‘petit’ urge. Never want to gamble again but reading this makes me uncomfortable. Plus when you are really unwell and feeling like the problems are never ending, the little urge voice comes up. Not that I will action it,it is just a niggle in the background.

Not getting worse and the chest infection is working itself through. Coughing a lot. Had a good meal.
Staying in bed for now. Watching movies on amazon prime. Appreciating the small things. I guess I am one of those who quit gambling and things get worse before they get better. The alternative was suicide as that was how far gone I was. I still have my home whereas I thought I would have lost it by now. Pete now has a sore throat so hoping I haven t given this to him.

Well, haven’t posted for a few days as I have been quite poorly and in bed with this chest infection. Nothing like one thing g after another to make you feel miserable. Got up and out today and walked 1.5. Miles through park to GP surgery to pick up the script for eradicating the bug that causes the ulcer. Then walked to supermarket to get some vits and live yogurts to go with the double lot of antibiotics I have to take. Felt better for getting some fresh air rather than laying in my bedroom. I managed the walk without getting breathless which is good as have cut down on the cigs. I had a telephone assessment for counselling yesterday and was then told there was a six month wait. I proceeded to tell them exactly what I thought about this. People, the servicesforthis addiction are rubbish. We need help with
1. The depression, not there before gambling but severe when in action and in recovery. I am looking at nutritional help for this rather than the chemical cosh of antidepressants.
2. For women emotional gamblers who are usually,professional women, help with the self destructive self harm element. I have met a few women who are CGs and they are all very smart,,professional women who cannot believe how they have been caught up with gambling. They are all,quite sensitive individuals and it is about how to deal with emotions in women who feel too much, what is going on,with them, their families andthewhole bloodyworld!
3. Help with physical health issues brought on as a result of financial stress and gambling
4. And finally help with debt and employment support
If required, particularly in like me going bankrupt means you cannot,work in your profession.

Yes, another one. Self esteem may not have been great when gambling started. Mine wasn’t. This should be realistic and not based on positive self talk, which has a tendency to c e a cropper,when confronted with reality.

Lovely to hear from you I did it. I have started to pick up today I did it so I wasn’t too bad doing the walk. Certainly could not have done it past couple of days. I just thought of another one, how to get you back, because the you that you were pre gambling disappeArs. Certainly when you took it down as far as I did. The cg in me would have completely destroyed me, and really suicide looked attractive. So I opened myself up for this strife as I blew everything, a few thousand in my bank account t on august 14th. Today I just felt a little bit of me return. That felt good. I have also asked Jesus not to be a stranger and help me walk out of this and enjoy recovery. I do not see the point of having blind faith. If Jesus is with us and loves us then we need to see this working in our lives. It has to be real. It has to be a genuine relationship. I always think that things could be worse. I can walk, talk, breathe and eat. So there are plenty people suffering much worse off than me. An on line friend has just had a major heart attack and I pray for her recovery, I pray for all people who are suffering on this planet that they will find the help and support they need, and for all us CGs who certainly know the meaning of misery…

I certainly agree with that. If we are here for a reason, then I am sure God will reveal it to us, whatever it is. We have freedom of choice and I know I went off piste of the plan numerous times in my life but God will use adversity for good. I have e always had compassion for addicts as my view is that they have chosen a tough path in life and often early traumas in childhood and a less than emotionally supportive upbringing contributed to this. They ha e just identified the gene that makes people susceptible to nicotine addiction. ***** me in on that one. some philosophers say that we choose our fAmilies pre birth. I think this is true. It is in the genes. My ancestry is one of trauma in the war, concentration camps etc. That trauma Does run through the cellular memory and the genetics. My sister is a functioning alcoholic, my cousin too. My mother was addicted to mummies little helpers when she went through the change. I was surrounded by them in my younger days, drugs, alcohol etc. One temazepam addicted young friend threw herself in front of a train in the 90s as she kept fitting in the withdrawal phase. . I wish I had known then what to do and what to advise, I would like to think that now I do know better and would know more about what to do, having been some of in those desperate and despairing states myself. Maybe this is part of the plan. Now I am the addict albeit very late in life, although always addicted to the cigs, but gave up alcohol a long time ago as I grew tired of hangovers. The bottom line is we need to be at ease and comfortable with who we are in any given situation and often us addicts are not. I personally found a great gap between my professional self and my private self. The two were miles apart sometimes but then my main gripe through life is the lack of emotional support and mentors/role models. I feel able to chat today so clearly must be getting better.

Hi all,
Lost my iPad settings hence not able to post. My pc blocks all gambling support and help but enAbles some gambling sites. How crazy is that? My son has just been round to fix my iPad. Well, still have the chest infection. All I have been able to manage is my 2 ga meetings a week. I got my 60 day pin yesterday. I have found the Step work very upsetting. Last night I left promptly. It was an experience strength and hope meeting. I found very little hope and strength in the speaker. All the talk was about history and being in action. Recovery was about 30 seconds. I said that I would have liked to hear more about recovery. I said in my therapy never to underestimate how desperate people are when they come to GA. With some of the older serving members it can seem like a boys club. I have to admit to not agreeing with some of the ethos and philosophy of GA whilst also seeing it still it as my route to complete Abstinence. When we did the promises and you say I think not to the promises of recovery with GA, I was quiet. What upsets me is that on day 61 things are still bad with me, have not improved and I am beginning to doubt. Whilst there may be some truth in the GA statement that pain equals growth I believe that too much focus on those things that bring us pain from our childhood, gambling etc can be a bottomless pit. I still find myself often to be an emotional wreck and I no longer want that for myself as it is too close to having a complete emotional breakdown. Today I decided that I have had enough of feeling like this. I rang my daughter who six weeks ago was considering jumping off Beachey Head. We are both Isolated, highly sensitive people and have no one to talk to. So I am going to visit in a week or sos time. We are going to try and help each other as we both feel similar for different reasons. My mum and sister both texted me to see how I am. I said no change as there isn’t physically. I still haven’t started the treatment for the helicobacter as it is a bit harsh but will brace up and do it soon. I am sad that things are no better for me. It does feel like god is absent at times. I guess everyone has felt like this sometimes.

Daughter rang to tell me she had forgotten the family were going on holiday in a week. So that puts the kybosh on that idea at least for a few weeks. Every door feels like it is slammed in my face at the moment. Cannot snap out of this. The idea of nothing at xmas fills me with horror. I have always had a lot of money to spend on family at xmas and if I am in this destitute state, I simply cannot continue. It feels like my life is finished.

Thanks both. Not in the mood to chat today I did it. My daughters mood has improved as she talked to her husband, nothing to do with me. My family don’t rely on me. Time was that they did but not now and they are all getting on with their lives. Each day is the same as the last which is my idea of hell. Not strong enough to go out unless it is to GA.

Thanks Vera. Good idea re the voluntary work. My kids haven’t needed me for a very long time. It,is just when I am so low it feels like they have better things to do. That hurts a little. The boys are now very busy at work with long hours and are working together so I am really pleased about that after a dry period for both of them. My son did come round to,fix my iPad but because of this chest infection I asked him not to stay long as I already gave it to Pete. He is already over it whereas I have had it for 10 days now. My eldest son does want me involved in his life and with the kids too. Because of the distance between members of the family, both geographically and in other ways. he has taken it on himself to bring us together a bit more. Because we have not functioned properly as a family. Even my daughter spoke about this yesterday. My crutch was work and gambling and without both you can imagine that life is rather lonely and somewhat futile. The only thing that spurs me on is that I do. It want to leave the world like this, I want to be able to make amends if at all possible and rebuild. But that is in Gods hands and at the moment I feel like he is distant and absent.

Laura said on I did it’s post that gambling addicts have lost the fight in them. She is so right on this. Part of what I was saying earlier, how the hell do you get yourself back? I think when you have had so many relapses to lose it all again, each time the fight in you gets weaker. I would think after 62 days I would not be so depressed but there is no doubt I am deeply depressed. It is like there is just nothing there to look forward to or to enjoy in each day. It is all just an arduous repeat of yesterday. I keep trying to snap out of it but find I cannot snap out of it.

Thanks Vera. No worries, you are always there with a kind word at the worst times. I think my depression has obvious causes, destitution, poor diet as not much food, ill, unemployment and still issues around keeping my home. It is why the doc won’t give me medication as the causes are obvious. I am used to having lots of money so having none now and hurtling down the social scale to the bottom underclass is the issue. It is where I started in my adult life and it took me many years to eArn a lot of money. And then what did I do with it? Develop a gambling addiction. It feels like it is too late to recover the situation in any way. There are no magic wands or cures here. Thanks for listening Vera. I don’t expect solutions. Listening is enough and I thank you for that.

Went to sleep at 9am and awake again at 12 midday for telephone consult with my work coach. I explained how things were and he said that he hoped I did not find him harassing. I said no, that I have always found him helpful. There are some very nasty work coaches in these job centres but he is a nice gentle soul. I think he has to be careful as he doesn’t want a suicide on his conscience! Well, what about the weather today? It is really dark outside with a strange glow. The winds of change, washing away all the things in our lives that we no,longer need i.e. Gambling and bringing in the new. My middle son, Kai, has just got paid and paid me back the rest of the money he owed. Not much now but still a help. I am pleased and proud at how committed he has been. He made a mistake and took huge effort to pay it back, and he has, within two months. I would have liked to have app.ied this learning to my gambling. I wonder why if you look at me in my 30s and 40s, I would never have gambled seeing this as a mugs game. And yet, I end up losing everything to this addiction. What changed? Life and giving up is what, I think. Although the ads on TVs did not help and it all started innocently enough. Harmless fun becomes fun less harm is what my sponsor would say, I still haven’t started the helicobacter triple therapy. I have such a mistrust of western medicine and this comes from an ex nurse. I will start it today. Read geordie,s threads which are so very readable, even about tyres. I think I will invite him to come and say something on my thread. Well, going to have a nap now as not had enough sleep. Thanks again I did it and Vera. We have to be honest in our posts. Even I am sick of this depression, but it is there so I will post honestly.

Hi all,
My mood has lifted somewhat today with glimpses of the Monica I used to be. May that continue. She is in there somewhere, just waiting to be uncovered and just in two days out of the past two months, I have felt myself return. I wonder if it has something to do with the poetry. I liked getting creative and think I will do some more.
Went to see my Gp this morning who I haven’t seen in ages, at least two years. sawa not so nice Gp last time. She is a lovely person and I felt joy ooze out of me at seeing her. What’s that about? She took a long time with me and did not know where to start!
Anyway bottom line
Chest infection with crackles and wheezes, take triple therapy for helicobacter as will help with the chest infection.
Smoking cessation services shifted to the local authority a few years ago and they have canned these. Have to do it yourself now. Shocking, should never have shifted from health.
Referral to colorectal surgeon for the cramps to be on the safe side. Strong family history of colon problems and with colon cancer and with my history does not want to take any risks.
Appalled at six month wait for counselling, mentioned other patients had issues too with the wait. Get the tories out folks.
Advised to not return to any work until at least end November to sort both physical and mental health problems out. Will,need to find some ways of making money before then.

Hi,
Just had a phone call from my GP to say not to be alarmed but making the referral along the Two week colon cancer pathway just to ensure that I am seen quickly. I do not think I have colon cancer. I have something wrong there but do not think it is that. If it is then I shall just accept it and not run away. I have run from a lot of things in life, certainly had run away twice from home before I was 15 but for good reasons.

I rang my mum which I had been putting off as I do not like to call her when I am feeling low as she has also had her fair share of health problems. She has had problems since cataract surgery in July and may need to have it done again. She had this done at a private facility referred by the NHS. Private not better folks. Her vision has deteriorated again today and she has been waiting a long time for an eye appointment as there are long waits. She also has a hole in her pupil. Advised her to call her Gp to accelerate getting seen. She has developed a rare complication from the surgery. So typical of the women in our family!
She noticed the improvement in my mood and said I sounded like myself again. I actually feel happy today for no good reason. The only difference I can see is that I wrote a poem, which felt good, and I prayed last night along with a TV evangelist. It was quite an inspiring prayer. I love those when they say, pain gone, financial breakthrough, illness gone, in Jesus mighty name. Makes me good just at the thought of it. When I started out doing healing courses in 2010 just before I got cancer, I did one with pippa merivale, (saved by an angel book). I just got an email to do a free Christ activation as like many others she has also observed there has been a huge resurgence in following Christ. So I signed up,for that. The problem I have with the Church and alpha is that to me any denomination can follow Christ and I am respectful of other religions. I also do not like the Christian gay stance so that finding a church that is inclusive of all is difficult. So will do pippas course and see how that goes.

It means a lot to have these conversations with you both. Just woke up after,sleeping since 6pm. Hours awake are so messed up. Vera, you are right that it was cathartic as it expressed the spiritual grief I had been feeling for so long. No I cannot paint or draw, but I can write. I have had stuff published in the late 80s early 90s but these were articles and I have not written since. I like listening to uplifting music. I watched the George Michael documentary followed by a concert last night and I found that uplifting. He had addiction issue himself, and I always find I have a lot of compassion for anyone struggling with addiction. These are life issues. It is not easy being a human being on this planet. I agree with you about confession Vera, my mum is Roman Catholic. I also remember reading a post you wrote about the power of prayer and I so agree with you about that. Our connection with our higher power and recovery is so enhanced through prayer. I will still seek,out alpha I did it and thanks for clarifying. I had read some articles and feedback about alpha and some folks did get into the Christian gay bring a sin row, which I think is wrong. Even the spiritual counsellor I saw made a point of saying being gay is a sin which I cannot endorse that view. I know pippa well and she is a good person and it is free. It is all on line. I get your apprehension Vera. I have the same in the light of my recent conversion and experience of everything I had learned was not the right path. It is Christ centred, so I will have a taste and see. One thing I have noticed is that when we have Cut off our feelings for so long through gambling, they seem to come back and fluctuate a lot i.e. We go through a lot of different emotional spaces daily. Has anyone experienced this in recovery? I now make the difference that recovery is completely different to abstinence and requires real work. I was abstinent for long periods in the five years of the addiction but I was not recovering, big difference between the two. Thanks again for posting.

Hi all,
Vera, thanks for your post and I hope all goes well at the docs. I too am the worlds worst patient, non compliant and never go to the docs unless really poorly as now. Strange day today, I slept from 7am to 6pm and subsequently missed my GA meeting. Not sure how I feel about that. The last one did not go so well and I am beginning to wonder about it. It felt superficial somehow as if it was just a routine and complacent which is why I said never underestimate how desperate people are when they come. I think I will do a GM group tonight to compensate. I wrote up all the Step work yesterday. There is a lot of repetition in this i.e. Same answers to different questions. Still haven’t starting taking my meds but have decided to do this on Friday. Chest not getting any better, but neither is my smoking. So spent this evening looking up clinical trials to stop smoking. I think the docs did a nutritional check on me and I was miraculously ok. Just usual high red cell volume which is thick blood caused by smoking which I have had for many years, Rang me yesterday to do a cholesterol check as not done in years and it was sky high last time. I refuse to take statins. These have dangerous side effects and people have been really messed up by them. Like many drugs with the big pharma companies. Remember HRT? Dished out like smarties in the 80s until they reAlised it caused breast and womb cancer, My mum has pernicious anaemia and has b12 injections every three months. Have decided to go out tomorrow and do a task that i have procrastinated on for a couple of weeks. Going to treat myself to lunch as Pete keeps bringing in junk food for my one meal a day and I have had enough of it. He means well but has the attitude beggars can’t be choosers and won’t change, gets offended if I mention it, so I don’t bother. I really am in such a pickle. Nothing lasts for ever, but I really don’t know how I am going to get my self out of this situation, except to be patient and to keep with the programme, which I seem to have messed up today. I am usually very impatient but also a great procrastinator. That is a an odd mix. Anyway, this is just a quite mundane post and I am boring myself!

Well, went on the group but it was just an open group with a couple of people My wi fi kept cutting off so I gave up. The conversation I could tell really wasn’t going to go anywhere and I find myself switching off easily. It should have a purpose I guess but it does t feel that it does Will try the new members group tomorrow. I am clearly in a bit of a hump after my good day yesterday. Seems I do something, go out and end up sleeping for very long periods after it. Whilst I ack owledge I cannot work right now, it has alwAys been the great stabiliser in my life and I really am bereft without it. I refuse to be broke at xmas and will make all efforts soon to shift out of the purgatory I am in. I think today I am feeling frustration at the one step forward and 2 steps back. On day 65 this feels never ending.

Sorry to have missed you on the group I did it. It was one of those that wasn’t going to go anywhere. You are right that our health is our biggest asset. I am so boring myself today. Hope tomorrow is better. I will look up your thread see how u r getting on

Well still awake in between playing games on my iPad. Tv has packed in again, it is so temperamental. Read through geordies posts and took some heart from that as life certainly did get better for him over time since the coma. I too have food bank vouchers but won’t go. There are some things I just don’t feel able to do. I wonder how long it took for things to get better and whether I am too late. I am that much older at 59 but the gambling career was just five and a half years of complete destruction. I often wonder if this is just the end of things as it sometimes feels that way. Hello, this is the decline and things just don’t get better. This is the one of the things I think I fear most. Having bugger all to do and being too tired for anything energetic is a pain in the arse. Life just isn’t meant to be lived in this way. My health problems certainly got exacerbated since the last relapse although I have had them since the beginning of this year but gambling suppressed It all. Well must try and get some sleep and pray for a bit of breakthrough. Day 66.

Hi Vera,
How did it go at the docs? There is very little I can do Vera. Life is bypassing me and I am just stuck. That is the simple truth of it. The Bloke in prison who saw the stars isn’t facing reality!
Just noticed my sponsor texted me at 11.30 saying they missed me at the meeting, I said that I was asleep which is true. I woke up at Six pm which was too late to go. I was really unhappy at the last meeting I think because it felt like a boys club, with many whose lives are now Ok sounding complacent whilst mine is a total shambles. I guess I didn’t find it at all supportive and had to leave before I started blubbing all over the place again. I don’t like all this emotion. I am like tom hanks in castaway without the company of Wilson! That is exactly how I feel, like a castaway on a desert island.

Good advice, thank you. Went to step change twice this year and the next step is bankruptcy which my housing association are trying to find a grant for me to do. Not keen on that option but we will see, it affects my work. Gamcare are on my blacklist as they are on many people who go to GA. they never reply to phone calls. Have been there twice and it was ineffective. The counsellor was poor. I rang the boss there three times and he never returned my calls, so not going there. I am in sarf London Geordie. I have been here four or five times which is why it is so exhausting, the difference now is I have the health issues on top of it all.
Vera, Pete and I do not do anything together. He just made me some breakfast and gave me some cigs. That is it. He stays and lives in the front room sleeping on the floor. I am in my bedroom. The relationship even as friends is going west and probably needs to. It all contributed to my gambling. We parted ways as a couple following my surgery six years ago now, taking 2 years to get over it. There is just an old loyalty there as I helped him a lot before I had cancer and, of course, I had loads of money then. Geordie, I am very encouraged by your story. Out of everyone on here, your story is the harshest but the most uplifting. You went through all the gambling trap doors as Vera would say. I am semi protected from the creditors at the moment, they re not hounding me so much. It is almost like the universe knows I cannot deal with that right now, which I can’t, and they are leaving me alone. It may be that going bankrupt is the right thing to do but I have to feel stronger in order to even engage with that.

Thanks for your posts Vera and Geordie. Vera, I had to laugh as there is still a massive crack down the side of the bath from a previous project. Heaven forbid I ask,when it is going to be repaired. Well, before my last relapse when my job ended I had sufficient to do what I would,do,if I had money. I would go to a spa for two weeks. But at my last relapse I wanted to end my life, I was very sick with the addiction and even when I won three times in the same session, I played it to 0 deliberately. When I say I spoke to soon, the doorbell,just went, either debt collectors or bailiffs. Did not respond and they have gone away. No, I did not do what I said I would. I have been awake only around six hours in the past 24. I have just put a wash on and also exchanged texts with my sponsor and am meeting him before the GA meeting tomorrow. Note I had breakfast at 2.30pm. The hospital called and I have to call them back. They act very quickly if they think you may have cancer. I will ring them tomorrow. Vera, what I had today was the council tax forms to fill out and rake to the council. I he always found it difficult,t to do and face this. A part of me just goes f the bills, f this culture that makes people worry continually about paying the bills. This comes from years and years of debt. I could ha e started to address it years ago, ha e tried and failed many times. My sister did an Iva years ago after her husband spent their savings on internet porn. You have to laugh at all this really. She never forgave him, they lost their house and now life in rented accommodation, but in the country, a little cottage just like where we were brought up. Rickety stairs and range fire. I can only do small things and write down each week,what I want to achieve. Even the smallest thing carries over into the next week. A friend texted me and I prayed for her sister who has cancer and she prayed for me. An old work colleague but we have been friends for a long time and we know each other’s lives. She was unemployed for 10 months as the market for what we do has totally crashed. She is now working and happy in it. So that it what i have done thus far. The dog sits with me a lot in my bedroom. He runs and hides under my bed when Pete comes in as he is sensitive to grumpy but likes me cos I love him and am kind to him. Drives pete bonkers, says I am way too soft. He is way too grumpy so I balance it. Well that is my day so far. Thrilling, not!

Yes, Geordie, the penny dropped for me on this one recently too. I had always thought God was cruel to mae humans suffer so and I put Jesus in this too. I saw Jesus also As a masochist to sign up for the gig. But I recently got it and I believe now in sin, whereas all the teaching I had previously didn’t believe in such things. And I studied for years which makes everything I learned a complete waste of time. I find this quite hard to get my head round

I have just been contacted by my last job. I was on my own doing three people’s jobs, which is why I left, along with the Four hour daily travel and lack of support. I forgot to send an important letter out as I missed the email. Oh dear. I keep getting the message that my career is over. I guess it is now. Oh my, what am I going to do?

Yes, it,would seem my entire world has been turned upside down. My faith in God would say that he can do anything so not to worry about a past error. Does not mean the end of the world. At least I looked it up in my emails, owned up to it and apologised. Within a couple of hours of receiving the eMail. Typical, jump to it straight away as it is work related.
On air matter new agey stuff focuses on ascension, which I now see as complete rubbish. God,is,within us, there is nowhere and nothing to ascend to. My past spiritual teacher used to say all the time and laugh that he is allergic to spirituality. I now know what he is talking about. There is so much lies and untruths out there. Certainly my in box is bombarded with all sorts of spiritual courses and crap. Become the spiritual leader you are blah blah. Crap, I couldn’t spiritually lead anyone. It has to come from the Source of All. Pete just moaned at me for not washing up and also said that he will be out of my hair soon and that I would regret it. Truth is I wouldn’t regret it as it means my children might just get more involved. Even if not, I would have my own space back and that might just assist in my recovery. Whilst I am grateful for his help, I can’t eat this crap any more!

Yes, it,would seem my entire world has been turned upside down. My faith in God would say that he can do anything so not to worry about a past error. Does not mean the end of the world. At least I looked it up in my emails, owned up to it and apologised. Within a couple of hours of receiving the eMail. Typical, jump to it straight away as it is work related.
On amkther matter new agey stuff focuses on ascension, which I now see as complete rubbish. God,is,within us, there is nowhere and nothing to ascend to. My past spiritual teacher used to say all the time and laugh that he is allergic to spirituality. I now know what he is talking about. There is so much lies and untruths out there. Certainly my in box is bombarded with all sorts of spiritual courses and crap. Become the spiritual leader you are blah blah. Crap, I couldn’t spiritually lead anyone. It has to come from the Source of All. Pete just moaned at me for not washing up and also said that he will be out of my hair soon and that I would regret it. Truth is I wouldn’t regret it as it means my children might just get more involved. Even if not, I would have my own space back and that might just assist in my recovery. Whilst I am grateful for his help, I can’t eat this crap any more!

It was fun. That is 4 groups today. I need them right now,with what I am dealing with. And you are right, the boys hate him because he was, and I have to stress was, a y violent man,who transformed himself,with my help through anger management. The women in the family accept him. My mum and daughter like him but we finished six years ago. I mean, talk about procrastination. I could not out him into the street as I was the earner. Now he is and I am on my knees financially. So,I,will have to deal,with this at some point.

Well, met with my sponsor before the meeting for a chat which was helpful. I was feeling a little low before the meeting which may be down to just eating two biscuits today. No food in the house. The topic to night was abstinence v recovery. I coughed and spluttered throughout the meeting. Interesting shares and views on this. I had been thinking about this all week. I shared that I knew very early on within six months I had a gambling problem, went to Gamcare, had some superficial counselling, knew very little about the disease. It was called problem gambling, not a compulsive in sight. And I thought I was cured. Was abstinent for 9 months and started again when I had been working hard, with no social life and was bored. Each relapse progressively worse. I was in abstinence not recovery. It was only walking through the doors of GA and starting the steps that recovery began. And it was and is painful on occasions. My brain has taken a long time to settle from the rewiring that playing slots for many hours cause and my emotions have reared and are all over the place. That is the start of recovery, or at least I hope it is. An example, a song just came on the radio, three times a lady and I start to well up. No idea why! Went through the Step work on powerlessness and justification at the end of the meeting. All in all a good meeting tonight. 4 of us girls this evening! Got home quite late and Pete was out but left me a supermarket curry. More junk and first meal of the day at 11pm. I gotta sort something out! Got my hospital appointment for next week. From seeing Gp on Monday, appointment for this coming Tuesday. Next step how has gambling affected your physical health. Now let me see… I think I feel a novel coming on!

I have a lot of these. Havent had the strength to open them. Got to at some point.

Throwing them all away sounds like a really good idea to me geordie. Except I am expecting some serious crap i.e. A big creditor filing Bankruptcy etc at some point soon. You know the world is mad. I had my first ccj a few weeks ago and this week an email saying your credit rating has increased. Bonkers, this world is bonkers!

Well, as I mentioned I last went to step change in may when I was working and they said that my next step was bankruptcy if I could not
do the debt repayment, which was 2k a month just on the debts for around 3 years. Totally undoable as I was on a short term contract of just 3 months. I am on sickness benefit and well below the poverty line because of the bedroom tax. Iva or bankruptcy messes up my career. So I am kinda stuck. I will go back to step change soon but my housing association are looking into grants to help with an Iva or br. I have lived with this debt situation for so many years, and have had my fill of it. I now just want it to stop one way or another. I did go to CAB but they weren’t much help two years ago. I always find the budgets they do a bit of a fairy story. There are always things that come up that we need to buy that are not part of the budget. One thing I would love to do if I do an Iva is tell the council tax office to stuff their debt. They carry it on year after year, it never gets written off, That is the rebellious me coming out. Seriously though years and years of debt even pre gambi g make you seriously question the society and culture we live in. It is all just,pay pay pay. Never mind if you have t got it, pay it! Would not surprise me if babies are bar coded as consumers at birth in the next decade. There I am, clerly jaded by too much debt and hounding for too many years.

Quiet day today. Woke up feeling positive. Still spending my time in my bedroom and haven’t really got up from my sick bed yet but will tomorrow. Still coughing but. It as much. Got the tv working and watched X factor. And had roast duck and mash as my one meal a day. Had a nice chat in group,with idi about reinventing ourselves. Things are looking up!

I have to,sign rims for my work to say I am not bankrupt,or have an IVA. So,cannot work if I do it. But I may have to, we will see. I have,looked up clinical trials for refractory smokers who find it hard to quit. Tha would be moi. My docs says chest infection. If it doesn’t clear then will get chest X ray. But it isn’t as bad as it was.

Thanks for the advice and for thinking of ways Of making some cash. I think you are right about smoking. I had quit when I started gambling. I will leave it till six months although I know one very brave female CG who quit both at the same time. But I am a very addicted smoker. I think at three months if I am able to I will get a vape. When I quit I got so sensitive to people and my focus and concentration completely went. It lasted five months. I never got off the gum in that time. I have rung these people many times in previous relapses and when out of work between contracts, it has all gone much farther than that. Because of the gambling I never kept to any repayment plan and with step change in may they recognised next step is br. The thought of paying large sums of money every month when for the past year I have been out of work for 7 out of the 12 months (first time ever) was undoable. It would take all my earnings.
I cashed in a small pension last Xmas and used it to gamble.
I do not use eBay and never have, I am not that way inclined, my email is barred for some weird reason as I don’t think my account was set up properly when I tried to do it years ago. I,really,don’t have anything to sell, having lived quite minimalistically for years, just my iPad, and I’m not selling that. I don’t relate at all to sites like eBay and d t even know how to upload photos onto it, I don’t have any of the connections from phone to pc. Age showing here. There is no repayment plan, my housing association,worked out I cannot pay for anything, even electric. That is what this government leaves people in, destitution with the bedroom tax which is deducted from the amount they give you for rent. Wh ting left from benefit of 70 quid a week goes on. The bedroom tax and rent arrears to keep my home and even that is precarious as you will have seen on the news record nos of eviction because of the bedroom tax and the benefit is paid around 7 weeks in arrears. Get these ghastly tories out folks. The cg in me really wanted to destroy everything this last relapse and leave all doors closed. Crazy but true, so my recovery is set in defeating that insane mindset. It is helpful to talk about this, as without a good job, there simply isn’t a way out and I have to consider soon consciously moving to an Iva or br. I will make this decision beginning of November. Funnily enough the doorbell just went and I think it is debt collectors. At least it wipes the slate clean but it also wipes everything else out with it like job. I refuse to live in poverty though. Simply wont have that in my mindset as it took me many years of study and work to come out of poverty.

Thanks for the post idi, and of course, you are absolutely right. The answer simply is no, I would not do a low level job. I am incapable of it and would really sooner die. Awful thing to admit but it is true. So the options are sole trader, self employment. As my business went down the pan to gambling, I could not be a director of a company but could be a sole trader. Issue is that I did all this spiritual training for years to change direction pre retirement and now it is worthless and has been denounced by the teacher. Nothing like having the rug completely pulled from under your feet, although with gambling, I did most of the pulling. I think you are right to get the health issues sorted out and then see where I am. I have to acknowledge that it may be that some of this can never be put right. That makes me sad and I lose hope with this thought process. So it has to be one day at a time.

I also could not play for small money either. If broke and playing for 10 or 20ps, I would do it in the most bored manner. It is the addiction that makes us just want to keep playing as long as possible. I am at least grateful that I don’t have that programme running for now but it is difficult to see any way forward. And there probaby isn’t without higher power involved here.

First email I opened following this post was titled the universe has your back, so I will trust that it does!

Slept for long periods today and awoke at 7.30pm. TV not working again. Pete had a go because he had asked me to do the washing up by Five pm and I clearly fell asleep. Was huffing and puffing to himself. Pete cooked roast chicken so just finished that, well tried to finish it but can’t eat huge amounts. GA tells us to have a programme but I find with the depression and long periods asleep it is difficult to have a programme, I am finding the open groups and chats with idi helpful but no one on the ten pm group tonight. I am not looking for advice incidentally, on the contrary, this is my journal and is about how I feel at this stage of the recovery journey. Most of the advice I get anyway I have already done, particularly the financial stuff, so no one to advise on that please as I have been there and done it, and that particular situation is as bad as it gets. A GA lady I met this week called me this evening and we had a nice chat. When you speak to people and hear about their lives and situations that drove them to gamble you really get that some people are given more in life than they can cope with either with themselves or Immediate family, and I really wonder sometimes about the fairness of that. I would not sign up for the human journey again, I don’t think. It is a rough one. Well hit seventy days tomorrow or ten weeks. Has my life improved. Sadly it has not. I am one of those where it gets worse, before it gets better, if it ever will. Five and a half years to get into this messso cannot expect miracles, or maybe I should expect miracles?

Pete just opened my bedroom door and threw a walnut whip at me with two cigs. Saying that’s it, that’s the last two. I feel like a caged animal being thrown titbits. What I do know is I cannot continue to live like this for much longer. There has to be some sort of breakthrough. This is not a life. I am seeking a positive breakthrough. . Seek and he shall find. Right?

Thanks for the posts all. To start with Jonny, you have asked me exactly the same two questions before. I am 60 next month. A sole trader is not a ltd company and therefore useful for the single self employed person who does not employ anyone, it does not have ltd liability. I have an MBA which took me over 20 years to pay and study for. Jonny, what scares you about reading my posts? That you might end up where I am? Scares the hell out of me too! When I say I cannot do a lower level job. When I came back to the uk after working overseas last October, the Uk was in a very sad state of decline as was my industry. Having been elsewhere, you could really tell the difference as to what was going on in this country with this rotten to the core Government. I did take a lower level job as there was nothing else, and it was awful. The jobs left in my industry of healthcare Are all in organisations with rotten cultures and poor management practices, and nearly all of them are in dire straits financially, the sort that takes years to c’imb out of, I simply know too much to take a lower level job. I also,could not do a menial job. Just isn’t in me. There isn’t another room in the house Vera! Pete lives in the front room, I live in the bedroom. Ok, I shall look at this another way, I am lucky to have grumpy so and so who through old loyalties cooks me a Sunday dinner and throws me a walnut whip, huffing and puffing and moaning at me the whole way. He wants me to snap out of it, and no matter how much I tell him I cannot snap out of it, he still seems to think I can. Jonny, I am sure you will get another job and that you won’t gamble whilst you are out of work. Too much to lose and I am not talking about money here.

Thanks for the posts. Day 70 and no change. Same old same old. Woke up late. Called by bailiffs today who were. Not as harsh as usual. Explained my situation and they said Iva or bankruptcy closes it all down. No more harassment. And Jon yes you are right, I am hurting a lot. But, I actually think I have given up, it is why I can’t do anything. Jonny, i continually had all my family aski g for money when I had it. I just gave it but did not deal with it very well within myself. Geordie, thanks for telling me your financial story. I will mull it over. I have the hospital tomorrow. That will determine what I do next.

I learned some interesting things today, sometimes we keep learning the same thing over and over again throughout our lives and there was also something about that for me today.

Firstly, I always knew this for some time I have been unhappy in my home and today on going out albeit to the hospital confirmed this again as my mood instantly lifts when not in the home.
Secondly, somtimes it takes someone else to,pinpoint where we are. I sometimes lose perspective and don’t know where I am in the great scheme of things and the journey through life. I experienced this when I had gas and air giving birth to my my daughter. I sudden.y ,just don’t know quite where I was and I guess run away from things. I remember about five minutes before giving birth, after quite an Intense few hours, labour stopped and i got up off the table to go home. I have had this to a greater or lesser extent in my adult life. Anyway, saw the doctor and he think I just have inflammation of the bowel, similar to what I have had in the stomach. Which yet again confirms my diagnosis. God, I really missed my vocation in life. And all of it stress induced. Going to do a colonoscopy just to be sure. I explained that I had not taken the triple therapy because laid low with chest infection, he said, well you’re not breathless, feverish or coughing so I guess you can start taking it now. And I thought, yes, ok, the chest is getting better, i guess. And that was that. My mood is somewhat better again. On the way to the hospital I saw Ben, my eldest son at the railway station which is not local to him, on the opposite platform with the grandkids who are down from Scotland. We were shouting across at each other and will go out to lunch this week. On the way home I went to marks and Spencer’s and spent a small amount of money on some decent food. Just like my mother who won’t let her standards drop. She had one week of meals on wheels and then got her food bought in weekly from m And s. It was ghastly food on meals on wheels I have to say. Al in all, I should now get off my butt and venture into the world again. I have spent 10 weeks in virtual seclusion, aside from GA, and it is now time to go back out into the world Pete just bought me a glass of wine as I am typing this so can’t be that bad. Certainly today has been good.

Thanks for your supportive post idi. I hope so. Always when I get to the point where I have had enough and give up, glimmers come through where things look up. I am going to write up now how gambling has affected my physical health for the GA meeting tomorrow. Hope to catch you in group later.

Thanks 3raser and Jonny for your helpful posts. I did the 2am group last night and then slept through to 1pm. Woke up,feeling tired and coughing a lot stain, which is down to the cheese I stuffed yesterday. Dairy always makes these things worse. I get the take baby steps,Jonnny because yesterday was good. Today is one,of those days where you think, I am not going to get much done today. I simply finished my step work and then went to GA. when walking through the park to the station, I got a sharp pain in my knee. I thought hello, haven’t injured it, what’s going on here. It lasted for a minute or two and then believe it or not, I spoke very nicely to my knee about how great it was to have legs and dont even think about packing up as I need my legs to get to GA. I then did a long stretch. There was a loud click and the pain went. All back to normal, I am pleased to report. Experience strength and hope meeting this evening. I shared about my financial situation, the unopened letters etc. It happens that finances is the next bit in step one. A member says he is going to think about what the best thing is for me to do. I still cannot face it. Although I did open a letter from the ****** court where I had requested a Ccj to be put aside, my first one of what will be quite a few. I have a form to fill in which costs 220 quid for the privilege. It seems if on benefits you can get help with that. After the meeting I had time with my sponsor about impact on my physical and mental Health which is the longest price of writing I have done thus far. We had a debate about responsibility for gambling. He said it wasn’t my fault, I said it was we have free choice and I chose to stick the knife into myself over and over again. I accept that I am powerless over gambling. I think the view was that as you are powerless, then it isn’t your fault. I don’t know what to think about this. When he said it, I felt myself well up, a little bit like in good will hunting where he says, it’s not your fault over and over agai . over and over again? anyone have a view? That was the only time in the meeting I felt myself well up. The emotional s of the past few days have not been so overwhelming as they have been to date. Anyway, home now and first food of the day, chicken stew. My sponsor, “go to a food bank”‘ me “no”. And that went back and forth for a while. Bottom line is I don’t like cheap crap food, have never ever shopped in Lidl or the other one, Aldi. Never will. I said I would sooner not eat than eat crap. The funny thing is I can go without foodfor over 24 hours and I dont even feel hungry any more. I would have expected to have lost a lot of weight, but I haven’t. I have lost a bit but In all the wrong places. Something somewhere is looking after me and I thank my higher power for that.

Hence so many spelling errors in my post.

Non branded Cheap tins in food banks idi. Thanks for the explanation about powerlessness and choice. We only really get the choice in recovery really. But if we really are to recover, there is no choice but to not gamble. Paradox.
When I was saying it is about me. Money and the big win doesn’t solve me. It could just all escalate again. Having said that, when I put down what I woulddo if I had money now, I meant it. Sure would help my physical and mental recovery to have two good weeks in a good spa.

I like your no nonsense approach Geordie. And I agree with you about blame and your argument was exactly my response back to my sponsor. So then I am left with self Blame which is not healthy. I guess Step Four and five deal with that but that’s an awful long time to wait in self blame before I get there… My financial situation being what it is, I accept that it is that way. And yes, you do need a referral to a food bank. My work coach referred me cos of the bedroom tax. These guys know that with the bedroom tax, there is nothing left to afford to be able to eat. Tory ….tards . What I had left I went to m and s with and spent 15 quid on something I could actually eat. But I did go without all day today until pete did a stew for when I got back from GA. I realise I cannot continue like that but at the moment it is odaat and the day brings what it does. Remember I have withdrawn from everything except GA and the docs visits so I am not using huge reserves of energy. If the cupboard is bare, it is bare. I had bread and salad cream one day last week, yum. The whole jar went in two days… I am making light of my situation or else believe me I would just cry and cry…

What do you think about the self blame bit and how to stop beating yourself up about it? I think GA would say acceptance and taking responsibility. My sponsor does have a sponsor and I knew I needed to avail myself of a sponsor as soon as I went to GA. I had been for help early on to a number of different organisations and GA was the last one. As I am quite isolated having a sponsor helps me. I do not have another relapse in me and I was already way down the line of falling off a cliff edge. Our GA group,also has a couple,of active gamblers in it and they own up to it. That is their responsibility I guess, but it is not for me. Not today or tomorrow.
My son is picking me up shortly with the grandkids, so I am off,now,
Yes, I know about I am Daniel Blake but won’t go and see it. Because I know it and it is too close to home. I would find it painful viewing. Ken loach is a good guy. I am very active on line for the Corbyn campaign. And that is as far as I will,go,to,discuss anything political. I think you know my views on the tories, I certainly put it in brackets,ie get them out every time I discuss the benefits system. I don’t think I have ever been so angry about anything but when I read of the suicides amongst the disabled and u employed who have been sanctioned, it makes my blood boil.

Hi
I just had a wonderful carvery meal with my son, roast beef and great to see and talk with the grandkids. It was great to share. My son is doing well now doing international office removals and logistics. He is off to Vatican City this weekend staying in accommodation right next door to the Vatican. He is off to Dublin next week and was in Stockholm last week.
I said to my sponsor I would ask him why the family could not provide emotional support and he said to me ‘because I did not have it when we were young and it was a question of survival. I was working two jobs just to put food on the table, whilst his stepdad looked after the kids, I was at that time in a very junior supervisory role, not earning that much, and my partner at the time who is not his biological father and who was saving a number of souls as a spiritual person, did not acknowledge and still doesn’t how emotionally abusive and cruel he was to my son when I was not around. Why? Because his stepfather was to him. I wondered at the universe as to how it can set up exactly the same type of situations we were in as kids to work out ornit work out as the case may be the situations that caused us pain or trauma as kids. For example my father provided no emotional support but provided food etc. In what way am I like him, quite a lot. In what way did I choose a partner i.e. Pete who is like him. What was great is that this pattern has not been repeated in our grandkids. I am so happy about this. I said that his early years up to three were very loving as he was just with me. He acknowledged that this was the case and blames me for his need for cuddles’ in his relationships. I was always cuddling him as a baby. He said at one point in his life he did a lot of drugs to end his life, a very long time ago now. I said I was sorry that it took me so long,to leave his stepfather, but leave I did when he was 15. He says he has taken some of this early damage through into his relationships, It was a great share and I feel good because of it. We agreed to give ourselves one year to get me relocated to the coast where my daughter lives, his credit is now really good, and we talked about how I am still a bit anti establishment and he said he got over this ten years ago. He said that he would put the deposit down on a rented 1 bedroom flat for me. I just feel so good that we shared this. It gives me something to aim for but it also means that we can now discuss the past and try and repair some of the emotions around how we feel about it all. I feel kinda warm and happy inside.

My grandson asked me if I was a Christian. I said I was born again. 2nd time recently I have said this publicly when asked. I said that my previous spiritual practice whilst the real mc coy and certainly saved my bacon in a big way, did not teach us how to live in the world, but Jesus does.

You are so right. Love and family is where it’s at. I spent too long at work trying to forget the shambles of my personal life. As long as we can talk, love and share, we are doing something right.

Lovely post idi. To be frank when I thought about it I also thought I was being a bit snobbish too. See my post on 3raser,s. I am glad I inspired you, it is nice food! Yes, it was a question of survival back then. But the hardships and there some real tough times, motivated me to study and work. I swore I would never be in poverty again cos it nearly killed me. I got my masters finally when I had cancer. It took me from 1989 to 2012 with all the modules and high cost. I actually asked if it was a record… I was diagnosed one week before my daughters wedding and it was like, give me a break! Coupled with the relationship going at the same time I chose to destroy myself and see who would attempt to stop me. No one did. But the why’s and wherefores of cause are firmly in the past now. We have chosen recovery and to make amends by focusing on what is important in life. We have honesty and hope and we can become emotionally stronger better human beings driven by love. That sounds corny a bit but you know what I mean.

Lovely post idi. To be frank when I thought about it I also thought I was being a bit snobbish too. See my post on 3raser,s. I am glad I inspired you, it is nice food! Yes, it was a question of survival back then. But the hardships and there some real tough times, motivated me to study and work. I swore I would never be in poverty again cos it nearly killed me. I got my masters finally when I had cancer. It took me from 1989 to 2012 with all the modules and high cost. I actually asked if it was a record… I was diagnosed one week before my daughters wedding and it was like, give me a break! Coupled with the relationship going at the same time I chose to destroy myself and see who would attempt to stop me. No one did. But the why’s and wherefores of cause are firmly in the past now. We have chosen recovery and to make amends by focusing on what is important in life. We have honesty and hope and we can become emotionally stronger better human beings driven by love. That sounds corny a bit but you know what I mean.

Today I am reflecting on hitting 60 next month. For the past year after full employment I have been Unemployed for 7 out of the past 12 months with health issues and on sickness benefit since September. I have to acknowledge, despite the industry I work in being in a slump that I am not shortlisted for posts I apply for and I think some of that has to do with my age plus what I have been doing to myself in the ever downward spiral of gambling addiction. I have to make a decision soon re my financial situation and I have to accept that if I go down theroute of bankruptcy then my career is pretty much finished. I have to accept this although I hope that in recovery this is not how events play out.
But I have to also accept that events may also play out this way. In which case I will have to reinvent myself. One thing I know for sure is that I outright refuse to live in poverty. It has never been my way Pre gambling and it certainly isn’t post gambling and in recovery.

I have been reading about people who only became successful after sixty. Daniel Defoe wrote Robinson Crusoe in his sixties as did the chap who wrote master and commander at 65.

So if I cannot get a job once I am well, I have written a list of the things I am interested in. No point doing anything that you don’t like to do.

Online entrepreneur that can be done anywhere
Nutritional medicine/nutriceuticals
Writing/author
Jesus centred healing
Addictions coun selling only in gambling although I think the training for general counselliing would be too long
A doctorate
Mental Heath first aid
Volunteer work with cancer or hospice

I have a science based MBA, I should be able to be an entrepreneur. I have all the training for it. Just need to find the right avenue. Anyways, just capturing my thought on all of this to see where they may take me.
I have started my triple therapy at long last.

thanks for your post idi. I would put marks and Spencer’s in the category menial low paid job sitting under retail which is a no no for me. Not with a barge pole. I Like their food but I do not want to work for them! Would be on your feet all day doing the job my mother did which left her with some serious varicose veins. My next degree would be a doctorate and I would sooner do that than ever take a job that I just don’t want to do.

Along with jonny, I know deep inside me is someone who is very competitive and wants another shot. I would not have persisted for twenty odd years to get my masters degree if there wasn’t. You are right about not pushing myself right now which I am not doing at the moment. I also do not feel that I have to get to the next rung of the ladder. I have not felt that way for some time. I went as far as I could go in my chosen career and I am satisfied with that. It is difficult right now really. Got a gut ache from the meds within two hours of taking them. You read about all the side effects and interactions of of these things and sometimes you really have to wonder about western medicine. I think we would all be horrified if we knew how many people had been seriously damaged by drug interactions, medication errors and side effects of these drugs.

I had a good day yesterday and it is nice to get posts which say this is your breakthrough. But the honest truth is that today and back to real life is just another day of what is for me existence, not living. The fallout from gambling just keeps playing through and I realistically don’t think there is a point where you say it all got better then. Cos it hasn’t.

Today
Bailiffs called. As usual don’t answer
Half hour holding on for universal credit to answer to tell,them doc has only just signed med cert. they say if not received by Monday cut off benefits which means eviction.
25 mins holding on for doc to chase to sign off med cert
Walk down to surgery, not signed 20 min wait to get cert signed off.

Went to GA and could feel myself welling up beforehand. Third time I have felt like this before a meeting. It was an inspiring step 3 share of someone whose life turned around completely when he surrendered to his higher power. I am currently doing the financial damage step and I am finding this painful. I cannot face bankruptcy which I will have to soon. It is too much for me. One interesting thing the young man shared was that he prayed for the positive qualities in the orange book so may try that I left as soon as the meeting ended, which I always do when I am about to blub.

Well woke,up at 5am. Read the articles finding Laura put on I did it’s journal which were helpful. At the moment I feel,up and down like a yo yo. On the one hand I want to take a leaf out,of I did it’s book and express gratitude for what I do have and on the other hand I m really cross that nothing is moving forward and I am stuck in limbo land completely unable to face the financial ruin gambling has caused in my life. What a dilemma. I dreamed I was in the overseas job last night and no one talked to me or acknowledged me, well,maybe one person did. But I was really happy to be by the sea. I usually flew there but was on the ferry and lost my ticket but was already back in the Uk on the return journey. I have been dreamless,for a while but past two nights have had vivid dreams that I recall when I wake up. I believe that dreams are our subconscious giving us messages. Hope everyone is ok and that I did it’s trip to London is enjoyable.

Thanks I did it, I get it now with m and s. Cheers will have a look. The NHS didn’t used to discriminate either but in some areas it defintely does now. Glad London is going ok. See you in group at 2. It has been quiet on the forum. You are not alone in feeling like a blubbery mess. Where did we go to, come back!

I had a great chat with idi at 2pm. It inspired me to think about what I really want to do for the rest of my life. I had all those years of wasted training but I am discovering other things that I am interested in. Shame it has come to so late in life but better late than never. I am glad I wrote the ideas down the other day. I don’t feel like running away so much and filing for bankruptcy now. There is life after it. Although I would hope not to, it,is looming ever closer now. Thanks idi.

Thanks for this idi. Indeed, some very famous people have gone bankrupt and bounced back. Yes, I looked it up. Could you explain what you mean about the codswallop re manipulation? Do you mean that for us it is codswallop? Cos this is something I disagree with GA about. I can firmly say that I did not manipulate anyone during this addiction. I lied once or twice to gamble but used my own money and that of the credit card companies. Plus I think you are the least manipulative person I have come across. Which is why the tarring with the same brush is something I do not sign up to with GA. each gsmbleris different and is doing it for different reasons. I know my reasons were those of self destruction and the emotional aspects of the illness although the self destruction only played in when I had gone too far with it. So the powerlessness does then come into it. I like your analogy of the allergy to peanuts i.e. You just can’t do it and I will carry that with me to refer back to if needed.

Yes, I completely agree with you here. Although, I think if we took it to a court of law, the blame squarely rest on the addict for any misdemeanours or crimes committed during the addiction. I remember watching a documentary about a woman who committed not one but two acts of major fraud to finance her gambling and was in prison on a very lengthy sentence, it was between five and ten years as I recall. That is how far this addiction can take us, down a very dark road indeed. I have plummeted to my rock bottom and that is exactly what it feels like, a big fall. Mine was the potential of being on the streets and losing my home, bankruptcy and destitution, losing my health and my marbles. That was enough for me and really had gone way way too far down the road to ruin. I do say that I can feel the distance between myself and the on line slots. Although I occasionally dry run and play free slots on the free bingo, when I am bored, this does not in any way give me an urge to gamble. In the past it did, but there is no desire in me at all to play for money on line. I am feeling the distance but also feeling the closeness if you get what I mean. The bonus rounds on shamans dream spring to mind which was my preferred poison, it was the colour, a deep blue, and that is coming from someone trained in colour therapy. I swear to god if I had loved fairy stories so much as a child, I might not have got so hooked on some of these slots, i.e. Jack and the beanstalk etc. I always played the fairy story ones more than the others. The thought of putting in thousands to these sneaky on line sites makes me feel slightly nauseous now, and that isn’t the triple therapy!

Hi Jonny
Yes, only,occasionally on Facebook free bingo. Have played this for years even pregambling. I do not feel there is anything untoward to be honest about really. I do not play on any gambling sites and never would. Have self excluded anyway. To me this is not gambling. Sorry if you have an issue with this, I do not and don’t want to feel I have to be defensive about it, I always play a lot of games on my iPad mostly hidden object games to keep my brain alert. When you get to my age you have to keep your brain alert particularly when you are stuck indoors all day and not feeling physically well.
Have had a good day today and felt a lot of inner peace. This has been since accepting that bankruptcy may be the only way forward and my great chat with idi yesterday.

I really enjoy reading your posts Jonny, and you are not a thorn. I am aware that some folks might think this is a warning sign but to me it’s not and it’s something I just do when watching Tv or relaxing. I don’t do it as much these days anyway. Thanks for keeping in touch with your posts. I have had 2 nice and what I would call good days this week when I feel more like my old self. I like this. I even feel that the triple therapy is doing its work. I think this thing must have been whacking my system for a very long time, as well,as this terrible addiction and its consequences.

Hi all,
Well, what a beautiful autumn day today, love these sort of days but definitely time to bring out the warmer clothes and for women, time to being out the tights which I have avoided till now.
Set out to achieve small goals and achieved them all. Walked to gps to get bloods taken from both arms. Unfortunately, took my triple therapy without food earlier and then felt mighty strange in the street and threw up everywhere. What fun. Body is so,smart, doesn’t want this triple therapy. Recovered very quickly. Then Took the bus to dole office with my medical certificate. Got home and having problems with Petes dog. He won’t leave my side and hid from pete last night under my bed when it came time to go for a walk. So I took him out today for a walk in the park. The park was so beautiful with all the vibrant colours,of autumn and so still. Very therapeutic although Bailey keeps dragging me round but he stayed by me all the time when I sat down on a park bench. Pete getting very irritated with the dogs behaviour. Next task step work on financials. Despite my earlier calamity feeling ok and remembering to eat now before I take my meds. Spoke too soon, the bailiffs just called yet again. Next task tomorrow go to the Council and sort out my Council tax. What joy!

Thanks as always for your supportive post. They are always so positive which I appreciate. I do find that energy levels do shift quite a bit day to day but I am OK and glimpsing the old me back more now than before. Just in the past week. Still not there yet but hope to be. I am going to be more patient with things which will save me a lot of grief.

Thanks so much for the lovely post Laura. And for the encouragement. I still find I am swinging a bit from tired to Ok day to day. And still have the mood swings somewhat. Although I am grateful for the good days. Sometimes I am not sure what is recovery and what is my medical conditions all brought on by sinking into a very bad state with this addiction. I appreciate your suppport Laura.

Thanks so much for the lovely post Laura. And for the encouragement. I still find I am swinging a bit from tired to Ok day to day. And still have the mood swings somewhat. Although I am grateful for the good days. Sometimes I am not sure what is recovery and what is my medical conditions all brought on by sinking into a very bad state with this addiction. I appreciate your suppport Laura.

I get that with your husband, I was similar except I was the breadwinner most of the time. Mine was a combination of reasons as I have outlined previously. But it was for all of us emotional pain turned inwards destructively. I find that we are all quite sensitive and deeply reflective people when not gambling living in a world and lives that seem quite harsh sometimes. It is only in the connectedness and our higher power that can give hope for Change and transformation. Thanks for posting on my thread Laura.

Short post today as I am behind with my writing for GA tomorrow and other things I have omitted to do and now need to do quite urgently. Suffice to say very lazy day as this trip,e therapy has some side effects. But two significant things happened today.

Firstly gma rang with details of 1st assessment this week.

Secondly, an opportunity has arisen which may take some time to come to fruition. Even if it doesn’t materialise, it makes me strongly believe in higher power as it could not be more perfect for me and my needs. Anyway, not going to go into any detail about it as it is early days and may not materialise but will post if it does.

Hi there,
Well, talk about one step forward and two steps back. Woke up today to thumping headache and swelling/blistering on my lips and temple. I know these are well known side effects to this medication so have promptly stopped it on day 6. All my life I have struggled with western medicines so usually avoid if possible. Even with morphine which you might think would be quite euphoric. Nope, blood pressure drops in its boots. So no GA this evening, not going with these lumpy lips. So will probably do a group tonight.
My daughter rang today and will be visiting Thursday week so that’s good She cut her holiday in Cornwall short. I think it exposed her marital issues which often happens on family breaks.
I don’t disagree with anything geordie has said at all. I particularly agree with the need to express and talk. I have had a complete lack of outlet for this nearly all my life aside from here and GA so would.like some counselling but the wait is long. By the time the six month wait is up I would have hoped to have moved on considerably from where I am now.
How sad not to have anyone to talk about things in depth because most are caught up with survival and their own issues. God has my back, thanks idi,and I must be patient.

I was going to comment on this in my previous post but forgot. What are the productive ways to deal with the things we want to escape from?
For me it would be
Escaping, haha, literally moving home and starting a new life
Ill Heath, get better and then do things to improve health and wellbeing, exercise and switching to a vape prior to packing up the nicotine
The problems of ageing, don’t know, any ideas Anyone
Debt and constant harassment by debt collectors and bailiffs, well without a grant I cannot go bankrupt so stuck with this until a creditor decides to do it against me In this culture everything costs even when you are declaring you have no money.. loony tunes modern culture
Poverty, keep planning and looking. God only wants the best for us and that is abundance.
Loneliness, don’t know, I am quite antisocial and fussy about my friends who all appear to be CGs at the moment.
My sponsor just called and asked me to do a reading on Friday. I declined and said that I will do a reading when I am out of the woods, as really not there yet. Still dealing with all the fallout on day 79. I also could not think of a reading that has inspired me so I had better start looking for one. Aha, just thought of one, there is a lot,in the afterlife of billy fingers, has anyone read it?

Are gamtalk same as gamcare? If so I have posted previously my views on gamcare. Superficial and ineffective counselling….
let’s look at this loneliness. We nurture but don’t often get nurtured ourselves or when we were on those few occasions failed to recognise it in my case… Laura talks about it too. I have had counselling that I paid for during changes in my life. In my most connected moments, I am not lonely cos you have the inner connection which feels loving and peaceful and strong. Am I connected today? At times, at others worrying about my wasp sting lips lol and hoping it doesn’t go into a full blown reaction. I don’t think it will but I am not taking any of this crap anymore. My body knew when it threw up on Monday. Imalso,feel a little wiped out but that’s the meds again. But I am really interested in why we do not appear to get our needs met. In a way I am lucky cos I just got bought a macdonalds cheeseburger by Pete. He is broke and neeeds urgent dental care so all is tight. He gave me some cigs. My physical needs for physical surgical are kinda met, and my emotional ones 75 per cent with GA and my journal and gma friends. But the need to have a close union with another where we can talk about emotions. Definitely not and rarely has been. I have always been the one that earns the money and talks with others, others come too and talk about their emotions. But I have not often had this reciprocated. why? ga asked me if I was co dependent. My answer was no as I want to leave! And I have spent long periods of time working away from home. Aside from the dependence right now on pete for survival. Thats different, I think cos I am not well. Is this disconnectedness just symbolic of the culture we live in? Where families disintegrate or are geographically all over the place? What is it that causes this in us. We all have an inner yearning for connection to God, thst us part of the human condition. Is that what it is? Or do humans have a basic need to be heard, acknowledged and understood. Hashtag, who are we?

Yes, makes perfect sense. Like you, I tend to avoid company when I am ill cos I am not a good patient. A very impatient patient you could say. I agree with you, I have felt most lonely in a crowd and it is the inner connectedness and unity that we seek. Why I wonder when we are not well, it feels harder to find within ourselves?

Chickens all coming home to roost today. Hounded by daily threatening bailiff calls. Told them my situation and they keep telling me to prove I am on sickness benefit by going down to the council. I explained that at present cannot leave the house as had adverse reaction to the drugs I am on. I ended up losing it and telling them this is a class war and that they prey on the vulnerable. Also never to call me again and blocked their number.

Put the phone down and sobbed. I cannot take this any more and just want it to end.

Aside from nicotine withdrawal all day, have had an allergic reaction to the drugs. Today has been just too much to bear, and that is all I am able to say on-the matter today.

Thanks for your posts, really means a lot. I was very down yesterday, everything seemed to be getting too much. Pete was very shouty saying he will move out. I said that is good, and I think that is the right thing to do, and then he changes like he doesn’t want it to happen. I think three things got me down, the baiiffs for obvious reasons, with them calling me on three consecutive days. The fact that the financial inclusion team who visited weeks go have done precisely nothing to help. And the fact my GP did not bother to call back and still hasn’t. Takes half a hour of holding’ on to even get the phone answered. This is it today, where the professionals have no time or adequate resources to care.
I have read a lot of blogs of people who are depressed, there sure are a lot of them, some who have felt this way all of their life, some with small problems and some with very big problems. Young and old. What I do get is the more some engage with services that help and meds, the worse it seems to get. Sad but true, maybe stigma and society’s masks. For me possibly not being to effectively deal with the underlying issues of debt, bankruptcy, potential homelessness, along with three or four recent new health issues, poverty when used to abundance, the fact that my age puts most employers off and generally not adapting well to this stage of life. Plus I read also there are just some people who just do not care for this process called life., its repetitious and empty meaningless walk through suffering. I have said before, who,would,Chloe,it pre birth. I certainly wouldn’t. I would go, nope, not that planet and not as a human being, I think I will stay as as a star child thanks very much.
So, on reflection, somehow I am just going have to try and pull myself out of It, just baby steps as jonny would say one day at a time. When faced with setbacks, just accept them as what they are, temporary with the assurance as idi says that all things pas and change. I mean I can’t sit in my bedroom for eternity now can I.?
The allergic response is not as bad today and the lumps on my face and lips are reducing. But can’t go to GA tonight so again maybe join a group. Thanks Laura, I guess the things you suggest are exactly what I need, a big dose of love. This what am missing I think, that little thing that is so important. I have missed it for years now. The boys are overseas at the moment so cannot go to them right now. They are living their lives and I can’t keep running to them.

Thanks so much for the heartwarming post laura. And yes, mama lion will always protect her cubs. Got my benefit paid on time today so that’s the roof ok for the next month. Small things to be grateful for. And I can now go buy some food, yea!
So, your hanging on and not losing ground today would seem most timely and appropriate. You asked me whether there was anything natural that would treat this and the answer is yes there is, but it costs a few hundred quid. Got the book on it recently. Maybe later at some point but I certainly won’t be doing these drugs again. Have to eradicate it as it can lead to stomach cancer. How to get big doses of love sent my way. Someone once said to me that if you stay in the question the universe responds. So the question is how does it get better than this and how much love is possible to be sent my way. Experiment let’s see if I get an answer.

You know, time was that I would get my weekly pay on a Friday, feel the butterflies in my guts, and rush to play the slots usually all night long. Today, 4 hours on from getting my benefit and it only just crosses my mind now. Something has really changed. And there is nothing in me that wants to do that at all. Things are calmer today, no,call from bailiffs but I have blocked the number anyway. Pete has just come in and said he is not buying food for me any more. That is so fine by me. He has a problem with me eating it. I mean, really…. I cannot bear pettiness, it is one of of those things that pushes my buttons. Even if there is a Tiny bit of pate in the fridge and it may be the only thing I eat in a day, he gets cross because I have eaten it. I feel totally ok with this cos I will eat a darn sight healthier than macdonalds and pizzas. The wedge between him leaving and the separating out is getting more by the day and iam happy with this. I genuinely wish him well. It has only taken six years, such a procrastinator i am. I was also thinking how wonderful it would be to buy some new clothes. I used to buy twice yearly a wardrobe but nothing at all all this year. How wonderful it will be when I am able to do this again.certainly will appreciate it.

See you next group.

Very timely, thank you. You know I am listening to a programme of 80s music, girls just want to have fun etc. It was a happier, simpler time. I think we have really lost the joy of life somewhere along the line. It’s all very bouncy music with happy feelings, full of life. We need to get that simple joy of living and happiness back. Today I believe this is possible.

Love resurrection, Alison moyet, blow me the Universe answers quickly. We all need a love resurrection, a little divine intervention…

Well, went to sleep at 1am and up at 9am feeling very normal. Made my way through the park on way to a central London hospital and realised again that autumn is my favourite season even when it is raining, just a slight breeze in the trees.
Waited for about 45 mins for nurse appointment and pre colonoscopy. Told will have to stay overnight. All the prep means I will not be able to go to GA on weds so will have to find a meeting earlier than that. I kept kind of withdrawing thinking I don’t want to have this done… yes, it can be uncomfortable, yes we pump lots of air into your colon. Ewwwww, our bodies are not meant to go through these things. Got a headache as realised a few storm clouds in atmosphere. As soon as it passed, headache went. So sensitive to all these things. Also,I feel,quite a change of mood in central London. The calm gets replaced by a slight agitation at the crowds of people and the traffic. Well, went food shopping in Sainsbury’s. Still can’t do the lidls or aldis. Mind you, no local Ones anyway.,spent 11 quid on three meals or so. All fresh. Hurrah, no supermarket curries, macdonalds or pizzas. Bought the tiniest piece of cheese from gourmet cheese shop. Then walked through park about 2 miles home. Trees were so still, love it. Rang my mum who had this procedure annually for 20 years till,she was 80. She said it was not too bad just a bit uncomfortable and reminded me that last Xmas I was lying on the sofa with a belly ache and that really I should have it done. I,had forgotten about this and thought it was just from January I had been having symptoms. So,I guess I will have it done. Got home. Pete said oh, so,you’ve bought your own food then and then we talked through the logistics of how the food situation will work. All in all, feeling quite ok and very normal. Which is good!

Bought a large trifle and said to Pete to help himself to some and he ate the lot. Absent from said fridge today. Hmmmm. Spent afternoon texting messages with my daughter. She is very interested in astrology and is doing my chart. She said my moon is in libra which means I have an independent pioneering spirit and that I had better get in touch with that. Aside from that lazy day. A lady wno rings me regularly from GA called which is nice to get the support. She is over 1 year in recovery. I have not been to a ga meeting in 9 days as have been under led to. Will try tomorrow.

Well, this morning my internet was cut off for the want of 11.48, so paid it and services now gratefully restored but cannot pay the next bill due 16th November. Went for meeting with work coach who said that my mood had noticeably improved. They leave you alone if you are medically unfit to work but you still have to attend meetings with your work coach. I am lucky to he a nice one. When you are four weeks on sickness benefit here, you have to complete a long form for limited work capability assessment. I completed mine saying I intend to return to work as soon as possible. Then you wait for six i this or so to have the infamous Atos assessment wich is where most disabled people’s benefits are cut. They have declared many people fit to,work to have passed away shortly after. All reiminiscent of something that might happen in a foregone era under a totalitarian regime. This is the Uk today people. Get them out. I have no disabilities, I said to my work coach taking it all one day at a time. I am writing down short, medium and longer term money making opportunities. I gave two,pounds to a homeless,man who was outside macdonalds and starving. There but for the grace of the Lord. My Gp left a message to call from my phone call last week about my allergic reaction. Dear me….only took three days to get back to me.

Aside from on the internet where I would in a mad panic to try and get it back on when gambling. Was very calm about it today, there’s the difference. Gp rang and said my cholesterol whilst still high at 6.6 was down two points from 5 years ago and hba1c normal so not prediabetic. This is good news. Statins not indicated, keep with the benecol, diet and exercise. This is good news. Well just started on the improved diet now getting own food, exercise next. Didn’t go to GA as it was a wee bit cold out. So did 2 groups on gm. Feeling ok. Allergic reaction cleared up now, started to resolve as soon as I had stopped the drugs.

Lovely posts both ty. I agree idi, this Goverment will I have no doubt be held to account one day and I want to be there when they are. For all of the fallen, i.e. Those left in hopeless situations with no financial support sanctions etc, where suicide has been their way out.

Woke up feeling like I wasn’t going to achieve much today. I did get a lovely text from my sister who said she would pay my fare to spend Xmas with them. I thought this was a lovely gesture plus a text from my daughter asking what i would like to do on my 60th birthday on the 27th November. I missed my daughters 30th as I was in action so I owe her. The hospital shifted my colonoscopy appointment to Friday which is better as means I can go to GA tomorrow. 2 weeks Without a meeting would be too long I think. I am Ok though, accepting my situation for now.

Today I started to look at paperwork that I have been ignoring for months. Have opened a few letters but a long way from opening all of them, even the Ones that say on the envelope must respond by 13th November. Other folks deadlines, not mine. Even then it took me hours just to even begin. Well, was 35 mins late for GA courtesy of the rail strike and major disruption on the line. Missed a step six share, i.e. Character defects which was a shame. Started to look at mine which are
Procrastination in my personal life
Impatience
Some self pity In there too

Spent some time with my sponsor after going through financials and moloyment parts of step 1 and then have only just got home with the disrupted rail. Step 1 is a long step folks. I am Ok today. It is quite cold outside, temperature has really dropped.

Yes, perseverance is a quality I have along with impatience. But then it took me 24 years to get my masters. Hardly showing a lack of patience… A number of people have said I have perseverance as a quality from when I was young through to adulthood. And yes, when we were chucked off the train I texted my sponsor to say I might turn back, but I didn’t. Perseverance! You will see I also put procrastination in my personal life. Because it has taken me many years 5 and 6 respectively to get out of the two main relationships I have had in my life, a very very long time after they were over with each. With the 1st it was for of the kids, I had come from a hitter broken home. With the 2nd via I didn’t want to put him out on the street until he was working which he now is. This has cost me personally. My needs don’t seem to have come into it and that is by and large to do with how I feel about myself and confidence in my ability to move forward into a happy life. I will contemplate that and work on it. Both major relationships have had bullying and abuse issues, although Pete worked on his and there has been nothing for a nearly a decade now. But really, there is nothing left, just 2 old friends with nothing in common at all. We just inhabit the same space and soon it will be time to call a day on it.

Hi idi,
Yes, I would liken the situation I am in to similar to a self imposed prison and I have described it as such. But this is since I have been back in the uk. My life when working overseas was good. Regular events out with work colleagues and only at home the rot sets in. When away I a the person I want to be. Here I have all the baggage.

Hi all,
Did the new members group this evening and got somewhat annoyed by the bankruptcy subject coming up, as if if this an easy solution for me, which it most certainly isn’t. Checked out of’it early but had to anyway because of the prep,for my procedure started to take effect. I fell asleep between 8 and 12 midnight to take the second lot of prep at midnight. I will be up all night i think. Pete also,annoyed me, he doesn’t care or listen enough to know that I am having the procedure at eight am. He says as I have not done the washing up he will not,give me any cigarettes. He had said earlier he would get me a pack on way home. An old acquaintance of his,passed today, he was an actor,and much younger than either of us.We saw him in a play ten years ago. I find petes attitude obnoxious and say so,reminding him that I have sat on the loo half the night and am in hospital,at eight am. He throws three cigs at me saying this is,your lot. I say nothing and retire to my bedroom.

Your good wishes are much appreciated. Should get out on Saturday at some point be will post then.

Thank you friends for the good wishes. I have been home now for about an hour.
For some reason I was more apprehensive than even the major surgery I went through. I work in healthcare so maybe it is knowing how how invasive these things are and that often people feel worse just by virtue of being in hospital and becoming a patient or victim to the system of western healthcare we have as I see it.
I was 10 minutes late as I was drifting in and out of,sleep for just the couple of hours before I had to leave just before 7am. My mum got it in one when i spoke to her yesterday evening when she said you don’t know if you are going to make it bowels intact because of the rather powerful prep you have. But make it intact I did saying a little prayer to Jesus as I went in, changing into a gown and some rather groovy navy paper Bermuda shorts with a strategic hole in the back and some rather natty non slip socks which I have taken home with me. The nurse put a paediatric butterfly needle in my hand as I have small veins and often have my bloods taken with a paediatric needle… clearly that part of me never grew into an adult. The doc tried to convince me to have entonox and I said fine if they want a loony on their hands. Had gas and air in childbirth and it sent me a bit mental lol. Always a bit strange when they say who is accompanying you and you say no one cos after the procedure you can’t be on your own for 24 hours. Went into the room feeling rather terrified and then the rather powerful sedation was administered iv. Fentanyl, a powerful narcotic and midazolam, a tranquilliser. Legal narcotics. Ah, oblivion. I fell straight asleep. My sleep lasted exactly 2 mins and 20 seconds when I woke up screaming. Two thirds of the exam was complete and they had got to the splenic flexure when they had to abandon the procedure. All normal I am pleased to say in what they did examine but in recovery the doc asked mewhether I had asthma or emphysema because my 02 sats were so low. Explained I am still getting over a chest infection but I knew it was the fags. The docs really didn’t have any type of bedside manner. I always notice these things. Anyway to finish off, they sent me down to radiology for a wonderful ct enema. This passed without event, another tube and balloon up the arse and some very kind staff. They wanted to have a look at the area where I woke up screaming. We talked about where we would go on holiday if money no object. I said the Caribbean and the real orient express. And that was that. Transferred to the patient hotel where I had a rather revolting salad nicoise and promptly slept on and off till this morning. The supper was nice. I realised that even though we may go through life feeling unloved there are still people who love us. Texts from my sister, daughter and a friend plus pete very late into the evening. The boys don’t even know I went. I spoke to my mum who had to have this done every year for 20 years. Respect. Left just after breakfast, before kick out time choice of cereal or toast and vending coffee, talk about doing things on the cheap. Very quiet but with views of Big Ben and the Thames through the window.
Took the tube and train home as no buses down whitehall with barriers up. At the station I held thecdoor for an elderly Eastern European man. He looked at me said very leeringlyyou’re nice. Well he must have seen the horror on my face as I scuttled as fast as I could out the station. Walked through the lovely park in the drizzle home. Pete had gleaned out my bedroom, saying the dog no longer allowed in and that the accumulated dust must have affected my chest. Everyone has redeeming features. Appreciated this a lot. So there is a gate at my bedroom door and the dogsits by it eagerly waiting for me to let him in. Which I won’t do as I do t think the dog,hair is helping my chest. Pete think same. So resting up, glad that I am still here and in one piece.

Yes, I have often wondered about the spiel you get in recovery! 90 days tomorrow and I am still dealing with the medical, emotional and financial aspects of my fall from a great height. Ah well, still alive,intact, grateful for another day. It is still a good place to start from but I do wonder how the life beyond my wildest dreams will manifest. I don’t fall for or agree with a lot of the GA spiel but I do know that GA is the thing that has helped me most. My sponsor even reared me twice. Will be doing the emotional aspects and the law on step one this weekend. The law is easy, never broke it. But the emotional aspects is a long list. Thanks for your care Vera. I appreciate it and hope you do not leave the forum when you provide so much support here.

Did the 2pm group. Pete came in and described the outcome of the bet he had just put on, i.e. Horse fell at last fence. I said do you really have to tell me that. He said that I didnt have to listen. Hmmmm.
For some reason Vera mentioning a life beyond my wildest dreams has got me thinking, I can have pretty imaginatibe dreams. Whet would that look like?

A cottage by the sea
Restoration of financials and me to the best I can be
Restoration of good health physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually connected and strong
Happy healthy family life
A well paid job that could do anywhere, any time.
A bit of travel

Is that too much to ask for I wonder?

Very much appreciated your post and I read yours, which was really pleasing. Pete is not my partner, we split six years go now, but he is still in my house and sleeps and lives on the front room floor. He knows he can’t control me so isn’t and doesn’t really.he had therapy many years ago with his anger and control issues. I don’t take any of his stuff that seriously any more and assoon as I am back on my feet I will do the thing I should have done years ago.

Yes, I do ***** you as a friend.i worked overseas on an island and the sea did wonderful things for me in every aspect of being. Everyone noticed. So that wasn’t perceived happiness but an improved quality of life. Havent had the second exam result yet which they had to do after abandoning the first bit. My children are getting me a vape for my birthday so will start the process then. Don’t want to tackle too much too soon.

That was the word re ***** you as a friend?

Thanks for your posts. Havent posted today on day 90now nearly 91 as feeling a bit tired and achey which I guess is the meds working their way out of the system. Spent the day writing up quite a few pages on Step work about emotions to do,with gambling, depression etc. Wrote quite a lot. It is all a bit sad really. If I go bankrupt,idi I won’t be able to rent a flat as they do credit checks, but my son has said he would help with that. I still haven’t quite surfaced from the procedure, felt a lot better yesterday than today but not in pain, just aches in the colon area and my legs, which apparently is common due to the electrolyte imbalances caused by the prep and complete colon clear out. I came out of the Emma David discussion last night Laura as I felt somewhat awkward and found some of the content a little inappropriate in a forumfor recovering addicts. I am just being honest here.

I haven’t felt like group past day or so but miss our chats with Laura too. Colon still aches a bit and passed some blood. As didn’t have any polyps expect the screaming must have meant they nicked something. But I am Ok, just a little sensitive in guts. I can actually feel energy moving around, really sensitive like that. Diaried step,change for this weekend. Will see what they say. I don’t rate these companies much even less citizens advice and you are right it is a script and in this I’ve one size definitely doesn’t fit all. I signed up to do nealsyard organic which is my Road if I do go bankrupt. Really, I was out of skincare products and trying them out now. My skin has suffered so much with all the stress but the rich frankinscence cream seems to help,with the dryness. The ritual,of the grand letter opening will happen towards the weekend. I can laugh about it which is a positive. I wrote reams on emotions yesterday for the Step,work and ignored 2 calls from the lady cg. I really can isolate myself sometimes but to be honest I am the type
of person who needs a lot of time alone. Even psychometric tests for work confirmed the same thing, I am quite sensitive and can go, into emotional overwhelm quite easily. Talk,soon idi. Wishing you all the best.

Been invited to participate in a film this week on behalf of the Labour Party this week on the universal credit system. I will certainly come out guns blazing. Quite exciting….

Happy to participate as I have a lot to say on the issue!

Hi all,
Did not post yesterday as to be quite honest was Quite depressed although I did manage the 40 minute bus journey to the council tax offices, something I have put off for three months. What was depressing me was that my current state of affairs will just continue or get worse. I am used to being quite lavish at xmas and now I have nothing. I have, if things continue as they are, no hope of buying any Xmas presents with fifty quid to last till third December. It is my eldest sons 36th birthday on the 17th November. I cannot afford anything. Today, I did the filming on behalf of Labour Futures on the universal credit system. It ended with being asked if I was in front of mrs may what would I say to her. I said that it was clear that her party and what the tories represent is a complete lack of social conscience and no heart, but we already knew that. I said that thanwhem, not if. We get a change of government that I would want a public enquiry into all the people who have been sanctioned and committed suicide, each and every one of them. I also said the same for those with incurable cancers who have had their disability cut, who have been deemed fit to work and passed shortly after. I met one yesterday with incurable cancer who had their benefit slashed. This is the uk we Iive in today. It is ugliness in extreme. Well. After that I went to my GA meeting and met with my sponsor to go through all the emotional issues both before and after gambling. It was a long list and made me feel very sad whilst I was writing it. Spiritual issues next, again a long list. Well, I live to fight another day by the grace of God and I hope that things shift for me soon.

Afraid my credit as a soon to be bankrupt is non existent!

I do agree with you about the consumerism though. I seem to feel this way a lot about Xmas. Maybe it is An age thing. But because we are similar in age Vera you inspire me that can still financially recover from this big mess!

Today is my eldest sons 36th birthday and I text him Happy Birthday. Pete gives me some Ted aker aftershave to give him. Yesterday I spent in bed all day and today. There is nothing to do and nowhere to go. I feel so frustrated and angry with everything I just cry. Bailey,the dog claws stay bedroom door trying to open it. He. He may be the only creature in this universe right now who knows how I feel. I am doing the spiritual aspects in the steps for next week. How do I feel?

I feel that doing the steps just lingers the amount I sit in pain and I don’t see the benefit of doing them. We as human beings need to gain mastery over our emotions and not sit or wallow in them. I,am seriously questioning the benefit of GA.

I feel that God is an absent father who deserts his children when they in need. I don’t care for that aspect of him very much.

My Motivation is at an all time low. I know I can’t carry on like this but isn’t get myself out of it either.

I am not looking for advice on my thread so please don’t give it. I am where I am and this is how I have felt for the past two days. My sponsor said he will put money on my oyster card for the GA meeting this evening. But I really don’t want to go. For more of the same that amounts to a big fat nothing.

Thanks for your perspective on the other side of the coin on emotions. Yes, you are right as my stomach pain has returned which I expect reveals the extent of my anger that is trapped inside. i just received eleven enforcement notices from the moron bailiffs about the same thing. I emailed my housing association as they visited many weeks ago and have it actioned anything they said they would do to help. I metioned that I was interviewed for the film on universal credit this week and I discussed their visit. So I wonder if that will have any impact on shifting them into gear. Still not going to GA ‘tis evening as I simply cannot face it. People’s pain is all so civilised, i.e. Three minutes to condense how you feel when all I want to do is scream and cry. And iam certainly not going to have a meltdown in public.

Pete has taken BAiley out and dont expect them back anytime soon. Emotions trapped in the body causes us to get unwell. I kind of know that but still don’t know how to release it except for crying or talking about it. I am always so level headed though when I talk about it. When my sponsor asks me how I feel when I talk about it, i.e. What I he written on a particular step, I just say it is what it is and feel,quite detached from it i.e. Mastery over an emotion. It is just all too confusing. I think you are right though. Get these ugly people off my back and I may or may not start to feel better. Getting the. off my back equals bankruptcy and that causes bigger problems for me. So I am totally screwed one way or the other. No magic wands and no easy solutions. No source of spiritual help,either. I have stopped praying as it is just pointless. God must be having a right laugh at us praying to him and all we get is nothing, absence, not even a sense of inner peace. It makes me so angry. Faith should never be blind faith cos that is stupid.

My,sponsor’is training to be a counsellor but I accept he should not be doing any counselling. He isn’t really, just commenting on what I have written in the steps. I just rang the bailiffs and they said they want a minimum of 10 pounds a week which is ridiculous. I told them to go f themselves and stop exploiting vulnerable people. They also said they will keep on at me until I am declared bankrupt. Whilst I was feeling so terrible, the grand letter opening ritual commenced and i have opened them all. Bailiffs and debt collectors plus one from a gas supplier who says I owe the money when I don’t have gas. I enquired once about changing electricity supplier. If anything can drive you to suicide it is this. Will call Step change in the morning. This all has to stop.

Rubbish. God can do anything and he chooses not to.

If I had a pound for every times someone said this too shall pass I would be rich by now… tenth g is nothingis changing, itis all getting worse, and if making progress means I just want to end my life because this too has not passed. It all ends up becoming trite meaningless words for a situation that is completely,without hope. It is day ninetyfive and iam still in a shit storm. Hive coml,etelyhad enough, God is a good listener, hah, speaking to,the door would get more response. And yes,I am bloody angry, really angry and at the end of my tether with it all. I refuse to pray to something that isnt there and even if it is doesn’t give a flŷing shit about me.

Pete can see how distressed I am. He ignores it, cooks some tinned hot dogs and mash and says go help yourself to whats left. Does anyone know how it feels to have no one or nothing to,turn to cos no one in my family or Pete knows or cares to know how to deal with someone in distress? Everything thst is spoken about recovery is gobshite. It sucks, my life sucks and I don’t want to live it any more. I have had enough of platitudes. I just want something positive to happen that moves things forward instead of this purgatory existence. And you know what nothing happens. I am just stuck in this hell of nothing.

Thanks for your care. This has nothing to do really with emotions post gambling. It has everything to do with feeling abandoned by life itself. My stomach hurts probably wth all the anger I am feeling. I mean, the real issue is we pray and talk to God. If he was a human beingand ignored us and left us in pain for as long as he does, would we want to know him? I certainly wouldn’t. It would just be another emotionally abusive relationship. I gave those up and I am giving up on him. He won’t help me, no one can. And I can’t come to group when I feel like this.

In my life I have had numerous dark nights of the soul. I have been spiritual all my life except for now. . The difference is that never have i been so angry and hateful towards God. The anger is all towards him. I am done withthe anger and blame with myself. Whatever test it maybe I have failed it. He is abusive in his absence, ignorance and lack of care. He breaks my heart and I hate him for that.

There is only so much pain we can take Vera. Believe me when I say that there is far much more anger than fear. And God forsook his only son. Nice fatherly behaviour. I am going to stop now before I blaspheme and offend someone. As ever, I thank you and idi, finding Laura for your consistent care. this is really hard.

Yes, it does help, particularly when there is no one else in your life who is able to provide any support. I have had tears running down my face now for many hours, since Six pm, just rolling down not sobs, just silently weeping. am exhausted and will try and get some sleep now. Thanks for burning the midnight oil again with me Vera. It is hard to,surrender when you see surrendering to more of the same personal hell of a life, and there is absolutely nothing you can do the change it. Even Jesus was on the cross for a short while, and not 96 days now. Night Vera.

Such a lovely post and thank you. I have just recently woken up to the doorbell. But they went away, either debt collectors or bailiffs. I have massive bags under my eyes, the sort of bags you get from excessive crying. I have woken with the realisation that the Step work I am doing is unleashing some powerful emotions and I do not feel safe with that. You are right in what you are saying Laura. I am going to look up some techniques for safe emotional release. I need to be in a space where I can feel some positive feelings and plan to move forward. With this emotional overwhelm and self flagellation the steps seem to evoke I do not think that is possible. I feel calmer today as I awake but also feel as if I have been through the emotional wringer. Enough is enough. The step this week is the spiritual aspects hence my rage wIth God surfaces, and it is a very angry rage. I cannot deny it is there. I do not see God as a friend or ally because aside from this site, I have no support. I come from a family and generation where particularly for the females anger is not expressed And stuffed down or expressed calmly. Maybe not that healthy. I am not going to give this addiction the satisfaction of a nervous breakdown…! You are right when you say that it isn’t fair to go this alone while others ignore or are oblivious to my distress. Sleep walking springs to mind. It isn’t fair but then life isn’t fair it would seem. Whoever really thinks that it is? I have a big sense of justice in things, always have had, but life sort of doesn’t. When we are down sometimes we are kicked harder. I don’t understand why this is, some type of primal universal survival of the fittest maybe. No wonder I want to isolate and opt out of it all. It all seems quite cruel.

Yes, Pete had asked me to do the washing up yesterday but as you know I was in a state of distress. I said to him just now that I was very distressed and didn’t do it. Yesterday he was ok with it, today he is not and just said don’t think you are the only one who’s upset and he views me as selfish ie indulging in my distress. I sort of give up. Not much I can do about any of this. My sons don’t need me ringing up every five minutes, we are fortunate with the eldest if it Is once a fortnight. I actually do t expect anyone to understand how it feels to have crossed the boundary into this self destructive addiction and then to really struggle to find the way back to who I was, which has gone now for ever, I think. Only fellow addicts in recovery. But I do feel,not for the first time, a wrongnessin GA, particularly for women escape gamblers.I don’t sign up to the character defects, which most of the population has. Since when has being very sensitive and losing ones faith been a character defect. I see them as quite natural things. I am sure my faith will return in spiritual renewal at some point. But not there yet. One of the things about me is I am a spiritual seeker of truth. The truth about GA being a woman in it reveals the lack of safety in doing the steps and in some of the interactions. I am going to reflect on this. When I am told you are doing well, my first thought is ‘who taught you to say that platitude? I actually am not doing well the process has put me into emotional overwhelm so I see it a bit as the tools,of recovery are in the wrong unprofessional hands. I don’t think my sponsor, who I like very much, at early thirties, can understand how it feels at sixty in a week or sos timeand to have lived the life I have. I dont think many would understand anyway prattling on, but better than being in emotional overwhelm!

Idi, you never lecture so,don’t worry about that. I am getting it about GA. It is not an Ok environment for women problem gamblers. I am the only woman who goes consistently. Women have come and gone. I agree with you. I have reflected on it today. I definitely do not go with the character flaws so never will go beyond step three. How,I see myself is as someone who had a very hard time with a good life pre cancer and never recovered. Gambling was my suicide as I am so against doing it physically but completely understand people who do get to that point of despair. It has nothing whatsoever to do with character flaws. I think that is garbage and can’t go with it. MAy fit the arrogant male but the females are far from arrogant. Quite the opposite. I think the right services for women are not yet there.
Your idea about having a plan of hope and recovery is brilliant. I wrote a schedule of things to do in the week. It is still not too energetic as my energy levels are t right not surprisingly. I am going to see if I can go to my daughters the tail end of next week, it is my birthday on the 27th. If I carry on with the steps i will have a breakdown. GA is outdated, very much so developed by pious men for men. They would probably call us fallen women. I have always led a spiritual life. Just that life took a big dive, and i did t recover. Love your idea idi.

Yes, I have had my assessment for the gma women’s programme. I had a call from Andrea which I returned but did not get a call back. I think there definitely needs to be a separate programme for women, they come with a completely different set of problems and needs for which GA simply doesn’t fit. I have done GA almost twice a week for over three months now and I think I have formed the right view. I am not saying it is of no use, clearly it is and has been for me. But step 1 is a very long step and is full of self flagellation and someone with my Health issues and where my basic human needs are not met, it isn’t right.

Marilyn Lancelot is totally right about that. Will look her up. I agree with her because that is also my experience. I think an on line women’s group may be more beneficial than a face to face meeting.

Thanks for your post Geordie. Let me clarify for you. I have not turned my back on God, not at all. I find that most of my anger that surfaced in a big way was towards God. It came up in a big splurge on Friday with a curious link to the steps on spirituality. It was not about gambling. One of the reasons I started gambling was the depression and the pain for 2 years post cancer surgery together with the relationship going up the creek. It was about being hit with a lot of things at the same time. I did look up the lady that Vera suggested. Iam pretty clear that GA is useful but I am equally clear that some of these steps past step 3 in respect of character defects are completely out of Kilter with today and particularly with women problem gamblers. I am sorry if where I was coming from is not clear. My refusal to go to a food bank is neither here nor there. If I choose not to go that is my choice. It is quite a distance from where I live. In the film I did this week for the Labour Party, the interviewer commented that many people felt they could not go to a food bank. I am one of those people. I understand jp because the distance between the feelings he describes are quite close to me. I think that time in recovery, particularly a long time, makes the memory short. It is actually not my words re tough talk but Marilyn Lancelots, the lady who Vera referred to. I looked her up yesterday and read some of her stuff. I just happen to agree with her. And actually it wasn’t you whose thread I thought was tough talk. It was jonnys. It was self indignant and somewhat annoyed that advice was not being followed. My view, and Marilyn’s is that this type of tough talk does not work when someone is clinically depressed, and I agree with her. If I get a place on the women’s programme fine, if I don’t that is fine too. Although my situation is quite difficult, over the past few days I have actually been able to be very clear in my thinking and come to some conclusions as to what I feel or my views are on certain things. I am grateful for that. My views may well differ from your own but I know that we are both big enough to respect differences of opinion.

Yes, I have heard of Reiters. If I had not gambled I would be very well off and living a completely different life to the one I have now. I came out of poverty and homelessness and it took me decades to do it. I was very driven to do that and I succeeded earning five figures monthly. And I threw it all away. All of it. A part of me really cannot understand why but another part kind of knows why. It was from the loneliness I felt, where there was none to share feelings with, a world in which where there was no hugs for years. I was watching a Christian programme on learning from failure and it was very inspiring. It was about not letting that failure define you, i.e. Not giving up. The thing that concerns me about stepping back Into the world is that I am still somewhat unwell in my stomach and am also carrying with me a type of exhaustion and tiredness. I must, however, find a job as soon things such as electricity and internet will get cut off. I cannot afford to pay any bills after the rent, arrears and bedroom tax. Here In my bedroom I can withdraw from the world. I really do not care for it. But I will very soon need to get back and engage with it. It is a question of survival.

No worries. Not always easy to gauge where we are all coming from. We live andlearn. Today I have made some decisions. I am no longer going to piss around in the emotional murk of the Steps. It is doing me no favours at all. Today I have

Made contact with Step Change. Because of the inland revenue debt, there has been a change and stepchange can no longer deal with it. Although I waited 40 minutes to be connected I spoke to the business debt line who have to be contacted if there are inland revenue debts. They were very helpful around a number of issues. Apparently, I am classed as a vulnerable person…. I have a way forward and it is bankruptcy except I cannot afford it. They were pretty appalled at the lack of any movement forward from my housing association. There is one complexity. Bankruptcy means that all rent arrears are put into that and that possibly means eviction so have to check with that. They said I might need an advocate because the debts are so big and there are a lot of them. But unfortunately there does not seem to be anyone who can act as an advocate. I have three things to do and then call them again. I also just stopped being done for having no tv license as all my payments bounced when I had my last big relapse. I foun d the Christian talk yesterday on failure very motivating. It was like it was talking to me and I just happened to switch to it when going through channels. The lord works in mysterious ways. The anger I felt has all but gone. Must have been storing up that anger for years. None of this is easy and serves as a constant reminder of how low I have sunk in the economic scheme of things. But I am pressing ahead with what I have to do one step at a time.
My daughter texted and will get a coach to her on Thursday this week.
I spoke to Andrea who says I am on the short list for the women’s programme and will hear in early December.
I am going to move forward. Where I am is really crap but it won’t last forever. Nothing does….

Well. Today I woke up after my fighting talkyesterday and felt a familiar energy in my belly and yes,the cramps were back. Lasted for an hour or two and then I hadtogoand see my work coach. Felt quite drained all day. As much as I wanted to go on the march to Downing Street I was not up to it. I will be with them in spirit. This Government must be brought down. My work coach could see I wasn’t all that so said that my main focus should’ve on being work ready and that I must fill in my work applications record on a daily basis. Even if it is to say i was not well or went for a walk etc. I am actually signed off as unfit to work and thought all this quite strange as did the labour party when I mentioned it. That people who are sick still have to go and meet with a work coach, the same as if they were on Job seekers. Focus was to get well and work ready. I agreed. I told Him about the Labour Party film I had participated in and said that government policy was evil to which he repeated after me, yes they are evil… hmmmm. Well I realised that I was feeling a little odd as it was 4.30pm and I had it eaten anything since an egg sandwich at midnight so I went and had a cheap macdonalds as that is all I could afford. I received a birthday card from my mum today with a cheque for 30 quid, bless her. I noticed the writing on the cheque was very squiggly and shakey, like someone with Parkinson’s so I am going to speak to her about that. Her writing has really deteriorated. Pete his usual grumpy self and pretty self obsessed. I suppose I could be accused of that too. I am determined not to let this addiction destroy me as I sure as hell helped it along that destructive path. I must have to accept that some days I wont be up too much. I can’t stand cramp in my belly though. My work coach said that it may be duethavingto go and see him. I said it wasn’t but it may well be related. My gut pain came back back when I had a set to on the phone with the bailiffs andtodaywhen I went to see him. I noticed that it is not directly linked to anxiety as I was not having anxious thoughts when it started today. The anxiety came when it started so a bit chicken and egg. Soiwill. Now do my Step work but I am not putting as much focus on it as I have done previously.

I can’t watch it, the request is for it to go viral in line with the march today. Omg, rarely have I made a stand against anything and until recently and my experience of universal credit have not been political. I am asking Pete to watch is as I cannot.

Oh boy, do I look terrible and under strain but put across what I had to say well. And they did t use my last bit which is a shame.

Thank you Jonny and Laura for your posts. Laura, your posts are always verysupportive with great insight into where others are at. Jonny, ty, I hope you are right. When watching myself on the film, as well as being shocked with how I looked, I thought this girl needs a good long dose of happy. I mean natural happy, not drug induced. My daughter, who is a keen astrologer, says that for the past three years, which have not been fun for her either, has both our Saturn’s returning to Sagittarius which generally causes some real problems. It last happened 29 years ago which was a very rough time for me too. She said it is now shifting into Capricorn and things would shift. 2017has without doubt been one of the worst years ever for me. I will be glad to see the back of it. I am 60 next Monday 27th. Well, the day has just started for me so,let’s see what it brings.

Thanks idi. Bit emotional today in trying to deal with my problems. Remember, there are no magic wands here for my situation.
On the positive side
Due to Intense political pressure, the chancellor in his budget made some reforms to the univdrsal credit system. This w t impact on me and they still have not gone far enough in abolishing the bedroom tax, but no 8 week waits, it will be a 5 week wait and can apply for a repayable loan from day 5. 7 day waiting period scrapped. This means that rent is not paid for the first week of a claim so this puts someone automatically into rent arrears before they even start. So that had been scrapped. It is only under the most intense political pressure that any of these changes have been made, and in the film and the march I have been a small part of that. So it may help those coming after me.
I rang the financial inclusion team who are meant to be acting as an advocate for me on my untitled financial issues. She has diaried out next Thursday to act on my behalf. She was waiting for me to go to the council which I did a week or so ago. She is going to try and get all the arrears for council tax written off, which is unlikely. She will go to British Gas who apparently can provide a grant for bankruptcy. And most important of all, she will call the bailiffs to tell them to back off. I called the electricity who said they were about to get a magistrates order to enter the premises. They will fix a prepayment meter. But just to keep the fuel going, it will cost 20pounds per week. Now, the numbers ihave to pay per week or month just don’t add up ie more going out just on basics than coming in. I realised this and spoke to my daughter where I am going down now on my birthday for dinner. I did something quite radical for me. All along my family have acknowledged how bad things are for me. Head in the sand. Someone could literally be dying and they’d say, oh but your ok. So I asked her to watch the film and get the boys to watch the film. My daughter did watch it and was shocked. So watch this space to see if there is any response. I cried for a while after this because this is what it is taking and I feel so sad about that.
I am about to text my sponsortossysill not be attending GA tonight. My problems are so great just to survive in this world that the complacency of the boys club is more than I can deal with and as already documented the Step work has created an additional layer of upset that iam not equipped to handle right now. I am trying and it is so hard. I am glad ihave this journal as a document for how it is for me, and how it is is very difficult indeed.

Oh dear. Pete came in and moaned that I had not done the washing up. Before I knew it, I said that i am deeply depressed and then quite angrily said that he had no emotional intelligence whatsoever, that he never had and that I wished that I had never met him. He slammed the door of the front room and I think he said he wished he had ever met me. I wonder if he will make steps to leave now.

My daughter just rang and said that her husband has now watched the film and was also shocked. My daughter knew it was bad but her husband didn’t appreciate how bad it was. He has always associated me with being well off as I was earning heaps of money when they stayed with me for a year when they had just had a baby and were homeless. They have a second smaller front room and have said that they would convert it and I could rent it from them. My daughter knows that I will probably perish if I stay in this environment for much longer. I am going to think about how this could work. With my eldest son wanting my flat here because of his housing need I am not going to be able to please everyone here.

My daughter just rang and said that her husband has now watched the film and was also shocked. My daughter knew it was bad but her husband didn’t appreciate how bad it was. He has always associated me with being well off as I was earning heaps of money when they stayed with me for a year when they had just had a baby and were homeless. They have a second smaller front room and have said that they would convert it and I could rent it from them. My daughter knows that I will probably perish if I stay in this environment for much longer. I am going to think about how this could work. With my eldest son wanting my flat here because of his housing need I am not going to be able to please everyone here.

Mine is on 27th and Ben, my eldest sons was on 17th. Have a good kip geordie. Not sure if I’ll make the 12 o clock one either.

You are an amazing person with huge insight. Most of the lady CGs have huge insight, sensitivity and strength.

What a lovely post. Thank you. Of course, you will be missed but I respect your decision. If things don’t support us,or make us feel positive, then we need to take a break. Unfortunately, I feel this about GA for now. I have to take off the emotional stress and upset the steps have caused me and put my sensible head on just for a while. I cannot afford to indulge in the pain that comes up and is triggered. So,it is practical steps for me for a short whole, to stop everything from just shutting down and then I will return. It isn’t the addiction speaking but self preservation. You have done very well despite it all and deserve a fulfilled and happy life. Hope to talk to you again real soon.

Thank you for your post. So glad u found it of help.