[kin]

I only have thanks to the person who deleted all my post since 2008.

The timing was perfect for me and I felt no resentment or anger.
I was not co-dependence on these journals, and my recovery was not jeopardized in anyway.

I was thankful for all the awareness and mindfulness, that everything can change suddenly. People die, and people leave me just like how all my post disappear suddenly; nothing is permanent.

Acceptance; letting go; starting life all over gives me a purpose and direction.

Yesterday is history, it is over.
Tomorrow is a mystery, it has not arrive.
Today is the most important day in my recovery.

How do I stop gambling?

I only need to stop gambling today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
I do this one day at a time.

[risingphoenix]

Disappointing to see your posts disappear. Glad you are seeing the glass half full. I did respond to you on my thread last night. I am doing okay. Hope you are too Kin. Take care.

[sarahluna88]

👍

We live in this moment, and one minute later its this moment again. Past and future are concepts in which we think, but living is always this moment. Most people think more in the past or what they might do in future, or what future will bring. And forget about the only real state of living in which they are really live. The moment. Now is the time to live, and love. We dont know how long we might live, a friend of my brother died last week at age 29, in an accident at work. Its so important to be who you really want to be, now, not later.
There is nothing to loose, just to win. We need to allow ourselfes to be free.
I’m happy to watch your decicion to make a cut and start a new topic

[kin]

Hi risingphoenix,

Thank you for the support. I am ok.

Just like the half full glass, I am telling myself

Not to focus on what is lost, but focus on what is left.

Today I am feeling thankful.

• This reply was modified 11 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I am in control of the first bet so I must do everything to protect myself from not having the first bet because I cannot stop after the first bet despite the heavy consequences and harm.

I have never placed a bet online and I remain uninterested. I wish that I can say the same for my other form of gambling.

[kin]

“Do not put yourself in a dangerous situation.”

I am comfortable but it was more important to be safe. I have both at home now.
5mins ago, I was comfortable but I was not safe.

I have grown, I have learned to journal using notepad on my mobile phone anytime, anywhere. I was journaling on the notepad at the neighborhood coffeehouse. Journaling helps me to reflect on my surrounding and life, it helps me to adapt to changes.

I was seated comfortably; I had my favorite hot coffee after dinner. I look around me, I scanned my surrounding. I can feel something is missing, I cannot feel the peace, untroubled and calm.

Discontentment is sneaky, it is alive and brewing inside me tonight.

Normally I can find the serene and good feeling in the sun, wind, and sight of trees and flowers.

It was 10 pm, I asked, what was so different tonight?

It was dark, I cannot see the trees and flowers in the night, there was no warmth from the sun. This was an example of things changing every single day; daylight turning into darkness. It can affect my thought and feeling. I could not find the same serene and calm feeling outside me or from the environment.

I had to put my sight on a power greater then me; I need to focus on a Higher Power. I need to find the peace and calm feeling inside. I must not lose my gratitude and thankfulness. I need to connect to my Higher Power and remember that my Higher Power is enough. I do not need to look for good feeling in other places like gambling, alcohol, drug, food, eating and sex.

I was well rested after a good long sleep. I have just finished dinner; I had my favorite hot coffee.
It was not enough, I wanted more.

Today was my off day. I had free time; I was not broke; gambling and entertainment outlets are open 24/7. My barrier works on most day but not every day. Today is one of those day.

However, when I journal and put everything down in words, I can see the picture clearer. Journaling helps me to make the correct choice. I can choose to stay away from darkness and danger. I can choose to follow the light and safety.

I only need to keep myself safe today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 11 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 11 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Some says, “A leopard cannot change its spot.”

A leopard cannot change its spot but a leopard can change its spot.
A leopard cannot change the spot on its body but it can change its location spot.

I can change my location. I can move away from a dangerous place with gambling or I can move away to a safe place without any gambling.

Do not test yourself; flee from danger; flee from temptation.

I only need to keep myself safe today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 11 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Recovery from addiction takes a lifetime.
Knowing is one thing, but doing is yet another.

Most people talk the talk, few will walk the walk.
Talk is cheap, walk the talk, it makes all the difference.

I wish to be like the people in the forum who are obedient and stick to the plan all the way.

• This reply was modified 11 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Everything return back to normal today. It is a working day and my working hours is long, so I do not have the free time to gamble. After work, I need to sleep to recharge my strength and energy.

It is very tempting to do other thing instead of sleeping after work and lack of sleep can give me stress at work. I have given up gambling on sports because it takes up too much time and energy. Gambling on sporting event is too stressful for me.

[kin]

My thought can change suddenly. I was feeling sick and unwell after long hours at work today.

My thought has switched from recovery to relapse mode, from safety to danger mode. I was thinking of where to go gambling today, what time and what matches are available for gamble today, how much can I gamble and what is the gambling odds.

I am not panicking. With practice and experience, I knew that I am in control of the first bet.

I cannot stop after the first bet, I need one more bet whether I win or lose, I have lost all my last bet. I must remember and remind myself no more bet. I must do everything to protect myself from not placing the first bet.

I was not facing the problem that gambling brings me but I was facing all the problem that leads to my gambling.

I need to trust and have confidence in the ways that leads to my recovery and healing.

I can choose not to follow my gambling thought and feeling.
I do not have to act out my gambling thought and feeling

I needed discipline to sleep and rest after work.
I must not be tempted to do other things.

I slept at 10am and woke up at 6pm. My thought has change. It has recovered and switch from relapse to recovery mode, from danger to safety mode. My gambling thought has disappeared.

I only need to focus on today. I only need to keep myself safe today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Have you ever been clean and sober or gamble free for more than a year, everything was looking good and something bad happens that was sudden, unexpected and unintentional, or sudden, unforeseen and unplanned.

The recovery coach who shared with me the leopard analogy has shared this with us 18 years ago.

How do you hold your poop when it is coming out and there is no immediate access to a toilet or public restroom.

Have you ever excrete or pass solid waste in your pants. Everyone laughs.

Can you stop a slip or relapse when it is coming?

It is so important to emphasized the importance of setting up a good barrier to help us stay gamble free.

It stops me when I want to gamble because I do not have the free time, money and place to gamble.
I cannot act out my thought and feeling.

[kin]

If I had lost my life, all the money that l tried to accumulate or lust for more means nothing. If my body is failing, I will do everything to keep my life, money was not my top priority, it was not the most important thing.

I have been taking my mental and physical wellness for granted!!!

Blacking out and fainting or losing all my strength and collapsing suddenly was a wakeup call for me.

I was wrong not to take it seriously after losing control of my life many times.

Improvement or progress in my recovery was more important than perfection in my recovery.
My life was not perfect, and my recovery was not perfect. They make me feel like a failure and loser.
The progress are the reasons that keep me going. They give me hope.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Reality was terrible.
Without my health, everything fall apart.
I cannot hold my job, I cannot provide the family, pay my bills and service my loans.
I cannot imagine what it can do to my recovery.
Is it going to make matter worst?

Where is gambling inside all these
I cannot see gambling in the picture stress or no stress
I maybe wrong
I cannot underestimate what stress can do to a person
A person can do the most unimaginable under stress.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I had a health scare yesterday. It gave me a shock; and I was lost and confuse for a little while.
In a bad situation where I have totally no control, I feel very helpless.
Sometimes I can only accept the situation and move on…focusing on the next baby step forward today.
One day at a time.

Everything has return to normal. I am going to rest after work now.
I am not going to do other things; I will get to sleep.
I need to charge my strength and energy before the next working shift

[kin]

Explanation 1
Impulse-control disorder (ICD) is a class of psychiatric disorders characterized by impulsivity – failure to resist a temptation, an urge, or an impulse; or having the inability to not speak on a thought.

Explanation 2
They’re a group of behavioral conditions that involve an inability to control impulses and behaviors’, that make it difficult to control your actions or reactions.

Explanation 3
Impulse control disorders (ICD) are a group of mental health disorders that involve problems with self-control. People with ICDs fail to resist the impulse to behave in harmful ways, often without thought of the consequences.

Explanation 4
Impulse control disorders are conditions where people have impulses that are difficult or impossible to resist.

An impulsive behaviors’ is when you act quickly with no thought to the consequences.

Some signs and symptoms of Impulse Control Disorder

1. Engaging in risky or promiscuous behaviors’ or activities such as compulsive eating, compulsive sex and compulsive gambling
2. Stealing from family members, friends or company
3. Lying
4. Explosive violent or angry outburst against others or property of others
5. Extreme defiance, resistance, disobedience
6. Running away for no apparent reasons

One suggestion to overcome impulse control disorder is to keep a journal.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Today I read that gambling is one of the worst addictions to have.

Among the different kinds of addictions, those addicted to gambling are “least likely to come forward to seek help. They find it difficult to wrap their heads around the fact that they have a problem”, said Dr Winslow.

“None of the alcoholics I’ve worked with think that by going back to drinking, all their problems will be gone. “But gamblers, they think that the next time they go back to gambling, their problems will disappear.”

This mindset is spurred by the pursuit of the next big win, even though there is no guarantee there would be any windfall.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[marcusmaximus]

Very true that Kin. Thank you for posting.
The thought of the “big win” is very enticing and does make it very difficult to stop gambling.
I think we have to keep deflecting thoughts of gambling by doing something else that is positive, for example a hobby, mixing with people, those types of things.
Keep telling ourselves that there will be no gambling today.
Even if we just do something that means we avoid gambling that is ok, for example watching TV, listening to music, having an early night.
One day at a time. Best wishes.

[kin]

I am exhausted and drained every day after long hours at work, but I am really thankful, happy and contented. I cannot do other things with my free time after work otherwise I am putting myself in danger. I cannot afford to replace my time for sleeping to do other things otherwise I risk making a big mistake. I need to rest and sleep to recharge my strength and energy otherwise I will become weaker in staying abstinence, I can become very stressed when I lose sleep, stress can trigger me to gamble.

Journaling helps me check my thought, feeling, and action today. It helps me to reflect on my unstable emotion and stress at this moment. Journaling helps me to see the picture and my choices very clearly. I was heading in the wrong direction. I decided to make a U-turn back. I repent today. I will not endure and tolerate gambling today. I will not compromise and gamble today. One day at a time.

I shall have a good rest and sleep now. I will stay away from danger!
I have switched from relapse to recovery, switched from danger to safety by a power greater than me.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Yesterday is history, it is over.
The past is history. I cannot change my past.
I can only stay focus on today.
I can only manage one day at a time.

Things can change suddenly; my thought is not the same every day.
I can lose focus, get distracted and lost sight of my goal and direction.

After 8 hrs sleep, I have regained my energy to resist any tempting thoughts for today.
Those unwanted thoughts that was here when I was exhausted and drained has disappear after my rest.

I have manage to keep myself safe today with the help of a power greater than me.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Why I need a power greater than myself in recovery?

A farmer is helpless to grow grain; all he can do is provide the right conditions for the growing of grain. He cultivates the ground, he plants the seed, he waters the plants, and then the natural forces of the earth take over and up comes the grain.

This is the way it is with the Spiritual Disciplines – they are a way of sowing to the Spirit…

By themselves the Spiritual Disciplines can do nothing; they can only get us to the place where something can be done.

Spiritual disciplines are habits, practices, and experiences that are designed to develop, grow, and strengthen certain qualities of spirit — to train the soul and build the “muscles” of one’s character.

“Ask me not where I live and what I like to eat.
Ask me what I am living for…
what I think is keeping me from living fully for that.”
Thomas Merton

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I am not interested to read about gamble free day in the forum.
I am interested to read about how they stay gamble free in the forum.

[asdfghost]

Hey, kin. I’ve been reading your posts here since… late ’21 if I remember it right, and they played a huge role in my struggles for recovery.
I hate to admit it, but I lost again to my addiction after almost a half of the year of freedom.
My path is nowhere near as long as yours, yet this utterly disgusting thing called gambling has already taken a part of my life away.

[kin]

Hi asdfghost,

I am like you. I can understand how you feel.
You are right, I have suffered from this problem longer than you.

Pick yourself up and continue fighting each time you fall
You have lost a battle, you have not lost the war.
There are many battles to be fought on this recovery journey.

Take one day at a time.
If you find one day at a time hard and painful, take one baby step forward at a time.
You only need to stay gamble free today.
Tomorrow you do the same.
Anyone with multiple days, months and years of gamble free time is doing the same thing like you everyday.

Slip and relapse is a part of the recovery process.
Recovery from addiction is a lifelong journey.
Seek progress, not perfection.
It is achievable.

Start a new thread and keep posting.
Journaling is a highly recommended recovery tool.

[kin]

Relapse happens gradually. There are three stages of relapse: emotional, mental, and physical.

The process begins days, weeks and sometime months before an individual picks up the first drink or drug or place the first bet.

Recognize the early warning and danger signs of relapse

Develop coping skills to prevent relapse early in the process.

[kin]

I asked myself, Did I walk the talk today? Did I allow the risk to stay?
I do not need the risk. Did I remove this risk?
Did I move away from danger today?

It was an unexpected bill; the amount was very affordable. I was undecided whether to pay up this month or wait until next month. I saw the warning; the same thought is not going away. The obsessive thought keeps replaying in my head, it was very distracting, irritating and disturbing, it will become stressful after some time. This pressure is unnecessary.

This thought looks very harmless but how many times has molehill turn into mountain inside my head? I risk turning this into a gambling thought.

Journaling has help me see the danger and early warning sign. Putting my thoughts down in words has help me to see the picture clearer. I do not want to trigger my impulsive control disorder and obsessive control disorder.

I do not need this risk. I need to remove this danger. I took immediate action and paid this bill.

After paying this bill, I still have excess fund. I do not need this risk so I remove the potential danger of using this money for gambling. I used all the money to pay up an instalment in advance.

I did not have peace when I kept the excess money. I was living in danger.
I did not keep the excess money and I have peace now. I am safe.

I only need to keep myself safe today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Don’t focus on the years and the amount of money lost.
Focus on what you have left.

[kin]

Have the courage to remove the risk that I can and stay away from the danger when I cannot remove the risk.

[kin]

(amended copy)

I asked myself, Did I walk the talk today? Did I allow the risk to stay?
I do not need the risk. Did I remove this risk?
Did I move away from danger today?

It was an unexpected bill; the amount was very affordable. I was undecided whether to pay up this month or wait until next month. I saw the warning; the same thought is not going away. The obsessive thought keeps replaying in my head, it was very distracting, irritating and disturbing, it will become stressful after some time. This pressure is unnecessary.

This thought looks very harmless but how many times has molehill turn into mountain inside my head? I risk turning this into a gambling thought.

Journaling has help me see the danger and early warning sign. Putting my thoughts down in words has help me to see the picture clearer. I do not want to trigger my IMPULSIVE CONTROL DISORDER and OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER.

I do not need this risk. I need to remove this danger. I took immediate action and paid this bill.

After paying this bill, I still have excess fund. I do not need this risk so I remove the potential danger of using this money for gambling. I used all the money to pay up an instalment in advance.

I did not have peace when I kept the excess money. I was living in danger.
I did not keep the excess money and find PEACE AND SAFETY.

I only need to keep myself safe today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Once I stop gambling, I no longer have to face the problem that gambling brings to me but I will still continue to face the problem that leads me to gamble. It was like peeling the outer onion skin, to reveal what is the real problem under everything.

I like to count the chicken before they hatch. I like to look at the future, which make me very anxious and tired. It distracts me and make me lose my focus on today.

Tomorrow is the future; it has not arrived.
I need to focus on today. I need to keep myself safe today.

Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

[kin]

During times when I am sick from known and unknown chronic illness or mental illness that I suffer from. I really find it harder to do the same thing every day. It takes more effort from me on tough and rough days to do the right thing.

Not everyone can understand that I can get very stress by many different factors; my high blood pressure, eczema, exhaustion and fatigue, impulsive control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, mood swing, depression, climate change, work and many others. I can get stress by different thing on different days. They are a big distraction to my recovery.

It is very challenging for me to stay abstinence from all addictions at the same time from compulsive drinking, eating, sex, gambling and doctor prescribe drugs.

My thoughts and feelings were not the same every day, it can change when I experience hardships, pain and suffering. Once my thought and feeling switch from recovery to relapse mode, my well-being will change from safety to danger mode.

If I am driving, I will know that I am heading in the wrong direction, there are signs, I will have gambling, drinking, eating, sexual thought. I should make a U turn at this time, change my way and head in the correct direction. If I do not repent, and allow the mistake to carry on. I will end up following and acting out my thought and feeling.

I was NEVER HONEST all the times, sometimes my BARRIERS HAVE LOOPHOLES and I did not do anything about them. My recovery was just waiting to fail sooner or later.

I must know how to protect myself from acting out my thought and feeling to prevent a relapse.
I am a sinner. I need help. I need mercy and grace from God.

I was not honest every day. I need to stay focus and be honest today.
On some days, my barriers have loopholes. I need to stay focus and remove all the risk today.
I need to keep myself away from all danger today.
I need to do the next right thing today.

Tomorrow, I do the same. One day at a time.
I am no saint. I am imperfect. I am a sinner.
I am work in progress and under construction.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Just finish doing my laundry and post in the forum.
Till we meet again. Stay safe and happy everyone.

[kin]

Thank you risingphoenix for showing me how you do it.

“Stick to the plan all the way to the end.”

[kin]

I was gamble free yesterday. It was suppose to be a normal day that I could have easily allow myself to relapse.

I wanted to sleep but I could not sleep. I went 24 hours without sleep on this day. My beautiful day turn ugly suddenly.

I could not describe that sick and stressful feeling inside my body. I cannot describe what hits me. I was feeling terrible. Maybe it was the fatigue and exhaustion from no rest, maybe it was the weather that has change to wet and rainy lately, this could have triggered my eczema to relapse. Maybe it was my off day and free time.

Instead of asking myself why I relapse today? I was asking myself; I did not know how I manage to stay gamble free on this difficult day.

I had the impulsive thought and was very close to acting out. I have look at the harmful consequences of acting out but I did not care anymore. I just want my pain, suffering and hardship at the moment to go away.

If I have gone to the atm machine to withdraw the money. If I have gone to the live betting house. Today was an off day, I had the time that I would not normally have on other days. I would surely relapse. I did not go near these dangerous places.

My barriers has offer me resistance and slow me down in acting out. I need to withdraw money that I have put away.

I have been practicing but this habit is still not very strong, I need to put in more effort to be patient and tolerance on this tough day. I was mindful that I will fall asleep eventually, it just take a longer time.

I was very mindful that I would not enjoy the acting out, it just help made my pain go away temporary. I will normally feel that it was a waste of time and money after acting out in the long term.

As a result of practicing, keeping myself safe today and staying away from danger today in the journal, I was very mindful not to go near danger.

I can remember rising phoenix posting sticking to the plan all the way to the end. I can understand what that means.

I prayed to my God, I ask for help, I honestly tell God that my thought has change; I have tolerated and endure gambling today; I wanted to compromise and give up my recovery with gambling today; I was wrong and I need to repent today, I need to make a U turn. I need to follow God, and change my way and direction but I did not want to do that, I only want the pain to go away today. I ask for forgiveness and mercy.

I tried to sleep again. This time I manage to sleep for 6 hours. I was still not well after I wake up. I sleep again for another 5 hours. This time I woke up feeling fully recharged, that pain and terrible feeling has disappear. I have regained my strength and the energy to stay gamble free for one more day. I did not relapse today. Everything returns to normal.

I do not envy anyone doing this. On some day, it is so tough and hard.

I only need to keep myself safe today.
I only need to stay away from danger today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

my scalp is very itchy today, my eczema is acting out plus the long hours at work without sleep yesterday, guess I was stressed and this has trigger me to want to act out in compulsive and destructive behaviors. I only want the pain to go away.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I was having my hot coffee and had the following thoughts:

After I journal in GT and put everything down in words, I seem to be able to see the picture clearer and it helps me see a better choice. When I speak to an addiction counsellor, recovery mentor or sponsor, I was hoping they can help me see a better picture and help me to make the correct choice.

Today I ask here:
What was the same for me yesterday and today?
What was the difference for me between yesterday and today?

The stress from eczema remains the same. The stress from my long hours at work remain the same.

Yesterday I was stress by both eczema, and exhaustion from work.

Today I was only stress by eczema after the sleep and rest I had yesterday, I am no more exhausted. I have regained my strength and energy that I need to cope with the stress from my eczema and job.

There are days when I have more stress, I can get stress by a few things at the same time. Stress on top of stress threaten to make me weak and break.

It was more difficult and harder to manage stress when I am weaker. I cannot find the inner strength and energy that I need to resist the trigger, distraction, temptation and need to escape any pain, hardship and suffering.

Everything returns to normal today. I went to the atm machine to withdraw money for grocery, not gambling. I walk to the supermarket to purchase grocery, not to a live betting house to gamble.

I do not have to live with regrets after I have lost money gambling yesterday
and I do not have to live with guilt after I have won money gambling yesterday.
Instead I had peace of mind, safety and security today.

[marcusmaximus]

Hi Kin
Doing a journal definitely helps you see things more clearly.
It gives a space to get your thoughts down and consider your actions, past, present and future.
Keeping a journal makes you more accountable. Reading what you have put previously can help during difficult times too.
Thank you for your comments on my thread. Keep posting. One day at a time.

[kin]

Thank you marcusmaximus for this post.

[kin]

Everything has return to normal for me now but yesterday was not.
Everything was OK but I did not feel OK.

I had this problem for many years but only getting familiar recently.
I am beginning to recognize the problem.

Nothing was wrong yesterday but I was feeling depress.

I have not gamble so I am not facing the problem that gambling gives me.
I have not gamble so I am facing the problem that has led me to gamble.

On the surface, it looks like a gambling problem but at the bottom, it was depression.

Depression made me feel very helpless and hopeless, I was feeling unhappy, pressurize and stressed. It was very dark.

I thought my bad days was over but never expected another one yesterday. My stress and trigger came one after another, wave after wave. I ended up feeling depress on the last day.

If the stress from my eczema and exhaustion did not make me relapse, the depression definitely will do the job every single time in the past because I wanted the pain, hardship and suffering to go away immediately. I would turn to compulsive eating, drinking, doctor prescribe drug, sex and gambling for good feeling.

I tell myself to stay focus on the job, I was at my working place for many hours, it has keep me occupied so I did not gamble yesterday.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

It seem to takes more effort and hard work for some people to stay gamble free.

Never compare
1. Some are not suffering from chronic physical illness.
2. Some are not suffering from mental illness.
3. Some are not suffering from physical and mental illness.
4. Some are not suffering from relationship problem.
5. Some are not suffering from financial problem.
6. Some are not jobless.
7. Some are not homeless.
8. Some are not hungry.
9. Some are not drained and exhausted.
10. Some are not lonely.
11. Some are not handicap.
12. Some are not caregiver.

Stress can come from many different factors.
Sometime it can be more stressful because you are stressed by a few things at the same time.
Sometime the stress can come in waves, one after another, one on top of another.
They can be a big distraction, temptation and trigger.
It just made the pain, hardship and suffering worst.

People are quick to judge, criticize, ridicule and sentence a person.
Few people know what it is like unless they suffer from the same problem.

Staying gamble free was easier for some and harder for some.
It was a choice to stay clean and sober.
This is why I respect anyone who can stick to their plan all the way to the end.
When I was depress, I just wish to escape and take away the pain, hardship and suffering.
I did not stop myself from wrongdoing.

If I have known that I have make a mistake and are heading in the wrong direction
I must make a U-turn back and change my ways.
If I allow the mistake to stay and continue in the wrong direction, I have not repented.

I am not sure. Look like I have not fully recovered from depression after more than 30 years.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

My thought today.

After so many years of falling down, picking myself up again and continue with the journey.
I can safely say that I wish I have done better because I did not have a very impressive record.
I have slips and I have relapses. It was not perfect.

At the same time, I am really very thankful.
I know that things could have been much worst for me but it was not.

All the credit and glory goes to God and the people that was send to help me along the way.

Thank you.

[kin]

Yesterday I woke up feeling totally different from the previous few days. My feeling was calm, manageable and under control. I could find joy in simple thing; I was not depressed. I could feel peace, contentment and gratitude. I was thankful: a simple meal feels so satisfying, and I was thankful to have a job.

Everything would have change if I could not resist and fall into temptation in the past few days.

I notice some warning and danger sign. I feel very different before work and after work. I need to be extra careful as I can be easily triggered and suffer from anxiety once I am tired and exhausted after work.

Taking one day at a time.

I need to watch out for depression and anxiety.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I just found out that if I press the report button on someone post in my thread

This message will appear on their post – This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

I am so sorry for the mistake.

[kin]

Today I am not facing the usual problem that gambling gives me.
It was a different problem; I am facing problems that leads to my gambling.

Too much free time makes off day tricky.
I was mindful today to practice walking away from dangerous place.

I gave myself a little treat today, no big celebration leading to compulsive eating, drinking, sex and gambling. I have survived a difficult and tough week to stay gamble free.

I need to protect myself from placing the first bet.
I need to remove any risk and stay away from danger.
I need to be honest and not leave any loopholes to gamble.
I need to stick to the plan all the way to the end.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

My thought today

Not everyone can resist the temptation of free time, boredom and loneliness moment

Having a power greater than me to protect me is not good enough
I wanted to turn to other things like substance and behavior for good feeling

I need to be told: Repent before it is too late

• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I can write down my problem in better details now:
the many layers of feeling;
the problem on the surface and the problem below the surface;
the few problems that hit me at the same time;
the problem that hit me one at a time one after another for a few straight days;
the many thoughts-intrusive thought, unwanted thought, obsessive thought, impulsive thought, compulsive thought, fearful and negative thought, the dreadful thought.
the uncontrol behaviors, the repetitive behaviors, the harmful behaviors, the impulsive behaviors, the compulsive behaviors.

In the past, I cannot do it.
I was under the influence of alcohol and gambling
I was not sober and my mind is not clear.
I was numb to everything and my wrongdoing.
I could not think, see and feel clearly, it was a mess.
It was all distorted.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I am not taking simple thing for granted today.

If I want to keep my job, I need to work hard and protect my job today.
If I did not want to lose my money, I need to protect my money today.
If I did not want to relapse, I need to protect my recovery today.

I only need to stay clean and sober today.
Tomorrow I do the same.
One day at a time.

[marcusmaximus]

Well done Kin. Keeping your focus every day is so important.
You can do it. When we don’t gamble we are much better people. Take care.

[kin]

I notice that staying focus on today is helping me in ways that I can never imagine.

Take today for instance, my priority today was to remove the risk and stay away from danger.
It means that I need to protect myself from exhaustion and fatigue today
It is tempting to do other things but I must be careful not to fall into this trap
I need to get some sleep to recharge and restore my energy.

I must do everything to protect myself from placing the first bet today.
Because win or lose, I cannot stop myself from placing the next bet after the first bet.

I only need to stop betting today.
Tomorrow I do the same.
One day at a time.

[kin]

Life is more manageable and under control one day at a time but it has threaten to run me off the track a few times last month, and the last hit was the hardest. I was thankful to remain gamble free in November.

I have to deal with the usual stress from exhaustion due to long hours at work. It was harder when I was triggered by a few stress at the same time. There were stress from exhaustion and my eczema.
I did not gamble, but it became more stressful when I was triggered by exhaustion, my eczema and other illness, I had two small fainting spells.
Just when I thought these problems has come and go, that my life has return to normal. I was hit the hardest by the unexpected last one when depression return, it was dark and painful.
Under these conditions, it was natural for me to look for good feeling in other things but this journal has reminded me to remove the risk and stay away from danger one day at a time. When things is beginning to run out of control, it has pull me back and put me back on the right track.

Not everyone can understand me unless they have the same problem. I can be hit by the unexpected curve ball that life throw at me, and sometimes my urge and craving comes in waves, one after another, one on top of another, one day after another.

This post serve to remind me that I can get attack and trigger by multiple stress on multiple days.
I need to stay focus on today, one thing at a time, one day at a time.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

This is what my gambling does for me but…

Winning someone else money does not bring me permanent joy.
Taking advantage of the situation to made money does not give me happiness.

Once I start to focus on what I have left…
and not on the years and money I have lost…everything changes.
I have gamble uncontrollably in the past…I was trying to win back my losses.

Once I accept… that I can never win back the money and years that I have lost, it was easier to stop gambling and stop chasing the losses today.

Once I accept… my imperfection, it was easier for me to seek progress today.

[kin]

I have not gamble and not suffering from the problem that gambling gives me.
However, I still continue to face the problem that can lead to my gambling.
I need to do everything to protect myself from the first bet.

I have a very bad habit of looking into my past and the future when I should be focusing on today.
I am not going to waste precious time dwelling on the past and the future today.
I am going to use this time for rest and sleep instead.

[kin]

I hope to become a person that is not quick to judge a person for their failures and I hope to be able to see how I was like them when I hear or read their sharing.

I need to be told: When I die, I can take nothing with me. My wealth and glory will not follow me into the grave.

I need to repent before it is too late.

[sarahluna88]

I’ve talked to many people over the time, about what matters at the end of life. 

My big impression was, that only one thing really counts- 

How much time you live and act in love, to yourself and others. 

When people die, theire only wish is, to come in peace to family and friends. They dont want to see a Photo of theire beautiful house or car, just talk to theire loved one’s when there was a conflicted relationship, without contact or problems they couldnt get over during lifetime. 

Judging others might come from a inner need to judge yourself. I’ve learnd from my life, that all i notice outside is connected to my inside. Wish you the best 😊

[kin]

As much as I try, the only person who have the power over to actually change is our self. I cannot change the person that I am trying to help especially those that is suffering from a mental illness and addiction at the same time. It can get very stressful for me. I need to let go and let God, let the professional do their job. If I am not careful, I can do more harm to these people than help.

I need to say this other serenity prayer:

Dear God, please grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know…it is me. Amen.

I like to regret over my past and worry about the future, it can be very risky and dangerous to my recovery. It can really stress me and I need to say this other serenity prayer:

Dear God, please grant me the serenity to stop beating myself up for not doing things perfectly, the courage to forgive myself because I am working on getting better, and the wisdom to know that you already love me, just the way I am. Amen.

I need to stay focus on today. One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 10 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Recovery stories 01
The Recovery Boat

A religious man fell from a cruise ship and was splashing around in the middle of a big ocean, slowly running out of strength. He prayed to God to save him.

Out of nowhere a boat appeared and they threw him a rope.

He pushed it away saying “It’s okay I don’t need a rope; God will save me”.

They threw the rope again, and again he pushed it away.

Now he’s getting really tired and prays all the harder.

A third time they throw the rope and with the last of his strength he pushes it away saying again that God will save him.

With the last of his strength gone he sinks and drowns.

When he gets to heaven he says “God, I have worshipped you all my life, why didn’t you help me in my hour of need when I prayed for that help?”.

God says “I sent you a bloody boat!”.

Recovery stories 02
The Parable of The Rope – Letting Go of gambling and Trusting God

The story tells about a mountain climber, who wanted to climb the highest mountain.

He began his adventure after many years of preparation, but since he wanted the glory just for himself, he decided to climb the mountain alone.

The night felt heavy in the heights of the mountains, and the man could not see anything. All was black. Zero visibility, and the moon and the stars were covered by the clouds.

As he was climbing, only a few feet away from the top of the mountain, he slipped and fell into the air, falling at a great speed.

The climber could only see black spots as he went down, and the terrible sensation of being sucked by gravity. He kept falling… and in those moments of great fear, it came to his mind all the good and bad episodes of his life. He was thinking now about how close death was getting, when all of a sudden, he felt the rope tied to his waist pull him very hard.

His body was hanging in the air. Only the rope was holding him, and in that moment of stillness he had no other choice but scream, “HELP ME GOD!!”

All of a sudden, a deep voice coming from the sky answered, “What do you want Me to do?”

“Save me God!!”

“Do you really think I can save you?”

“Of course, I believe You can.”

“Then cut the rope tied to your waist.”

There was a moment of silence and the man decided to hold on to the rope with all his strength.

The rescue team found the climber dead and frozen on the next day…

his body hanging from a rope – His hands holding tight to the rope only 10 feet away from the ground.

When are you going to let go of the gambling?

There would be no sense in saying you trusted Him if you would not take his advice.
You need to follow and obey Him.

Recovery stories 03
A stone cutter may strike the rock 99 times with no apparent effect,
not even a crack on the surface. Yet with the hundredth blow, the rock splits in two.

It was not the final blow that did the trick,
but all that had gone before.

The same is true with healing and recovery
I may pursue a goal for months without obvious results and
become convinced that I’m wasting my time.

But if I continue going to meeting, share about my struggle,
taking it one day at a time, and be patient with myself,
I may awaken one day, to find that I have changed, seemingly overnight.

I have a gut feel that all these months of faith and
hard work will made the changes possible one day and
the results would reveal themselves abruptly one day.

It took me a long time to become an addict
it may take me a longer time to recover.
I must be patient.

[kin]

Things are manageable and under control today
I have cleared all the things at the top of my priority list for this month.

Outstanding was an unimportant little thing, I have not completed this task.
I cannot understand why I am thinking about it all the times;
it can turn into an unwanted, intrusive, irritating, obsessive and disturbing thoughts one day.
it can become toxic and stressful after a period of time.

Practicing them regularly has become a habit.
Everyday I was working hard to remove any risk and staying away from danger.

Once I complete this little task, this thought will disappear forever,
I will not suffer from intrusive or obsessive thought on this matter anymore.
It is gone forever.

This is what I did today.
I am not taking my safety in recovery for granted today
I did not want to risk turning a molehill into a mountain one day.
I simply removed the risk today.

I only need to focus on today.
Tomorrow I do the same.
One day at a time.

Thank God for the mercy and grace.
I am grateful for the protection today.

[kin]

I just woke up from my sleep and I feel happy.
I just did something in my dream that do not happen in my real life.
First, I meet up with a group of people for outing.
Second, one of the places we visit was a slot machine clubhouse.
I get to talk and laugh with people in my dream and I get to play the machines for hours.
I had fun but it cost me a lot of money on the slot machine.

I was the one who suggested to the group to visit this slot machine club house in our outing.
I did not know what this dream means, it is probably my desire or something I like to do.
It shows that I am still attracted to sin.

I like the talking and laughing with people, the flashing light, loud music and noise from the machines.

• This reply was modified 10 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Working on the potential risk and loopholes in my recovery today.
Is helping me to work on my laziness and complacency in my recovery.

Why didn’t I do it in the past?

1. I was lazy and did not think it was necessary.
2. I was complacent and took things for granted.
3. I have under estimated this small hole in the ship. I did not think this small hole can grow in size or sink the whole ship.
4. I was not willing to put in the extra effort and work to get thing done in the past.
5. If I am willing to do it, I did not have the urgency to do it, I did not think it is important, I will procrastinate and tell myself, “Next time” or “Later” and “Next time” or “Later” never come.
6. Until one day I could not resist the temptation to gamble and lost all the money in my hand.

I only need to remove the risk and stay away from danger today.
Tomorrow, I do the same thing.
I do it one day at a time.

[kin]

I need to protect myself from the problem that can lead to my gambling.
I need to do everything to protect myself from my impulse control disorder and obsessive control disorder.

[kin]

The facilitator walked around the room,

As she raised a glass of water, I expected her to ask the “half empty or half full” question.

Instead, she ask the class: ”How heavy is this glass of water?”

She says that “It depends on how long I hold it.”

If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem.

If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm.

If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed.

The weight of the glass of water doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water.

Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt.

And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”

It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them forever.

Remember to put the glass down!

Many of us are holding on to our dark past, we continue to beat ourselves up instead of getting well. Remember to put the glass down, it is high time for the misery and suffering to stop and let the healing begin.

[marcusmaximus]

Spot on about the glass of water Kin. I will always remember that one now. Thank you so much for posting it.
All the best wishes.

[kin]

I need to be told:
make it a practice…with a pure intention.

I only need to remove the risk and stay away from danger today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

[kin]

The biggest take away for me practicing my personal recovery under this thread was the realization that there is no one giant step that does it, it was a lot of little steps.

• This reply was modified 10 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Today is a new day. My thought and feeling have change today.

I have just finished work. I can feel my weak and vulnerable moment today. I need to remove the risk and stay away from danger.

I must not look elsewhere for good feeling. I must not do other things now. I must recharge and restore my strength and energy; sleep and rest are my top priority now.

The warning sign and danger are there today. I was tired and that triggered me to check my bank account repeatedly many times today. I suffered from both intrusive thoughts and obsessive-compulsive behaviors. I felt less stressful and anxious each time after checking my bank account. I was acting out my thoughts.

I could not gamble because the excess money has not been banked into my account yet. I did not want to feel broke and insecure; I would like to hold on to the money. Not handing over my excess money after the money was bank in will make me more vulnerable and put me in danger of gambling one day.

[kin]

The strong anxious feeling that I get over something that never come has disappear after the money was bank into my account.

I am watching my anxiety level now.

I need to be told:
I need to do everything to protect myself from placing the first bet today.
I will struggle to stop placing the next bet, win or lose… after the first bet.
Who am I supporting in a match between between “no more bet for me” vs “one more time”
It is a tug of war between “right” and “wrong”, “good” and “evil”.

I only need to stop today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

I will continue to recharge and restore my energy. I need this power to help me face the stress, deal with the distraction or resist temptation every day.

If I have handed the money that just arrive to someone for safekeeping. The thought to use this money for gambling will not play inside my head.

I did the unwise thing to hold on to the money now.
The same thought is beginning to replay in my head slowly.

I need to put down the burden.
The moment I handover this money to someone, this stress will disappear.

I am going to close my eyes and sleep now. I will probably decide after I wake up.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I am not perfect.
I am vulnerable and attracted to sin.

[kin]

I was suffering from mental and emotional relapse before the rest.
I was tired and exhausted. My thinking and feeling were distorted.
My judgement was impaired, I was slipping into a relapse.
It was scary. My environment was the same but I was not the same.
I have struggle to do the same thing in every situation.
I have thought about what to gamble, how much to gamble, where to gamble and when to gamble.

This journal has enough updates for me to follow and do the same thing.
It has help me at the critical moment.
I have started to look elsewhere for good feeling but it has help pull me back.

This journal tells me, first thing first.

“…not to do other things now. I must recharge and restore my energy. Sleep and rest are my top priority now.”

It has help me switched back from relapse into recovery.
I have just woken up from a very long sleep.
My energy is fully recharge and restored.
My thinking and feeling is in good orderly direction and back to normal.

Nobody can understand what is happening to me unless they have the same problem.
If I am not careful, I can switch from recovery into relapse anytime.

I woke up not thinking or considering placing the first bet; not affected by the money in the bank; not going anywhere near danger or the gambling house; not going to use my free time for gambling related activities.

I was hungry, I went out for a meal and came home later to update this post.

I check my thought and feeling. I feel peaceful and calm now. My thought is stable and not restless or anxious. There was no fight between good and evil, right and wrong, no thought to gamble or not to gamble, no tug of war inside the head now.

hmm maybe it was the calm after the storm…I really don’t know.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I stayed gamble free today.
I was grateful for another gamble free day.

It was just like recovering from any other illness.
It was not something I love to do.
It was something I need to do.

Not doing it means
my life risk running out of control.
situation turning from bad to worst.

I was not protecting what I have and losing everything I have chasing after the things I do not have.

I only need to do it today
Tomorrow, I do the same
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Leonardo da Vinci said, knowing is not enough; we must apply

I needed a power greater than myself to help me do it.

My energy is fully recharge and restored today, I have the strength to do it.

The heart is deceitful and evil, I had to handover the excess money to someone to safekeep for me. I have removed the risk for today.

This will help protect me from suffering obsessive thought, that keeps repeating itself, telling me to use this sum of money to gamble

The next time I have thought and feeling on the time to gamble, and the place to gamble, I do not have the money to follow and act out the thought and feeling.

I need to put down the burden, the longer I hold on to the obsessive thought, the more powerful and strong it will become in the end.

Before handing over the money, I had one passing thought to gamble, and after handing over the money, this thought just disappear.

You can walk away from some one and some place.
How do you run away from something or thought that follow you inside your head everywhere you go.

Not everyone can understand me unless they have the same problem.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Ever since I handover the money to someone for safekeeping yesterday.
I did not have any unwanted thought to gamble with the money yesterday and today.
The intrusive and obsessive thought just disappear.

In the past, I was not honest, I did not remove all the risk.
I did not handover all the money, I hold on to some money.
I did not think that I would gamble with the money.
I was wrong, the answer is “not yet”, it really happen one day.

I have learn from the contribution of others in this forum to:
1. set up barriers.
2. be honest and remove any risk and loopholes to the best of my ability.
3. stick to the plan all the way to the end.

Take it one day at a time

[kin]

On a good day, I need to be thankful. It is very easy for me to forget where I come from
– heavy unmanageable debts, harassment from debtors, unable to stop gambling.

I am a very forgetful person. I still want to do the things that make me fall into heavy unmanageable debt, harass by debtors and addicted to gambling.

This journal remind me to have gratitude and contentment today.
I am not deeply troubled by all the problems that gambling gives me today.
I only need to deal with all the problems that can lead me to gamble without gambling today.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

This journal remind me to have gratitude and contentment today.

I am not deeply troubled by all the pressure and stress that gambling gives me today.
I only need to deal with all the stress that can lead me back to gamble without gambling today.

[risingphoenix]

Very happy to see you are staying gambling free and you have started to hand over money to others for safekeeping.

Giving money to others for safekeeping helps a lot with impulse control and obsessive spending/gambling.

[kin]

Hi risingphoenix

I am so happy to read any post by jvr3419 and you here.
I get motivated, encouraged and inspired by them.

When things get tough, I will be cheering and wishing both well in my heart.
When things are well, it was such a joy to watch your progress and better life now.

Both of you are living testimony of recovery
All the hardship, suffering and pain to get well are worth it.

[kin]

I was gamble free yesterday.
I need to stay gamble free today.
I can better enjoy and appreciate life in recovery today.
The most important thing is to keep my focus on today.

I have come to realize after many years that the person with more than 30 years gamble free time and the newest recovering person trying to stay gamble free on his first day are doing exactly the same thing.

Every person only had 24 hours in a day, no more and no less.
Every person begins at the same starting point every day.
I must do everything to protect myself from not placing the first bet today.
I need to keep a look out and remove any risk to my recovery today
I need to stay away from danger today.
I need to stick to the plan all the way to the end today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.

One day at a time.

[kin]

My regular journaling here was an activity in my recovery.
It is like riding a bicycle down a road
When I stop peddling, I naturally fall.
I need to keep moving.

[kin]

The successful recovering people have told me that the solution to my recovery was a spiritual one.

I always get confused by the word spirituality and find it very hard to understand. I really do not know how to find words to describe this word.

Anyway, I will try this time. Spirituality is a connection to something bigger than ourselves and it typically involves a search for meaning and purpose in life. It involves our feeling, senses and beliefs.

There is something greater and more powerful than me, it is something bigger than my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways. I am small and only a part of something bigger like humanity, the nature and the universe. We are connected to, a part of, or contributing to something bigger beyond ourselves.

Spirituality can be used to cope with change and uncertainty. It is a great way to find peace, stress relief and release of emotion. Connecting with something bigger promote mindfulness and makes us happy and healthier.

If you are helping and caring for others, you are getting out of the “me, I, myself.” You are focusing on something bigger. You are a part of something bigger and if you believe in nature as your higher power, you can find peace and comfort while in nature.

Someone once told me that the universal rule of spirituality is to do no harm.

Another explain to me that a person can be religious but not spiritual, where as a person who is spiritual may be religious.

I was in my deepest and darkest bottom, it was living hell for me. They told me that religion is for people afraid of going to hell, spirituality is for people who have already been there.

Spirituality is a very profound awareness of the things around me. There is a mysterious power, something bigger than me that my eyes cannot see but I can feel its presence.

Spiritual principles are fundamental truths that are universally acceptable and helps us to find the perfect balance and meaningful relationship in life.

I cannot see the creator of my smartphone but I know there is a creator for this phone and many other things. I cannot see them but I know they are there.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

What am I living for? What is keeping me from living fully for that?

Practicing staying focus on today is beginning to give me a wonderful and very pleasant surprise.
Staying focus on today has rewarded me in ways that I totally never expect after doing this for some time.

I was losing sleep and rest, and I was losing more money recently.

I have to sacrifice my sleeping time on my off day to monitor the contractor who were doing a major repair in my home.

I have to spend money on new purchases to make life comfortable for everyone staying under the same roof.

It was not my plan, but I did not resist the change when it happens.
I simply do what I need to do. In the end, it was worth it.

Doing the right thing is always the right thing!
I was grateful and thankful. I did not think I could do it. It makes me feeling very happy.

Spiritual disciplines are habits, practices, and experiences that are designed to develop, grow, and strengthen certain qualities of spirit — to train the soul and build the “muscles” of one’s character.

They can help a person to increase their ability to:

1. Delay gratification
2. Receive insight
3. Hear my inner voice
4. Make better decisions
5. Remain centered and unaffected by external events
6. Demonstrate moral courage
7. Detach from distractions
8. Feel inner peace
9. Behave unselfishly
10.Act with practical wisdom
11.Follow one’s own course
12.Endure hardship
13.Forge good habits
14.Conquer the worst parts of yourself

I am beginning to recognize all the benefits mentioned above. It is so very true.

[kin]

Hopelessness breeds despair, desperation, frustration and discouragement.

Hope is to desire something that is reasonable and achievable; Hope that the obsession to gamble will be remove someday.

Hope allow us to take the first step to stay gamble free.

I only need to remove the obsession to gamble today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

[kin]

What leads to the unmanageability in my mind?

1. Resentments
2. Judgments
3. Thinking we know best
4. It will be different this time
5. Upset about the past
6. Anxiety, and fear about the future
7. and more

What is going on in the mind?
Thoughts, decisions, intentions, which leads to gambling.

This is why we need to correct and change our thinking, and our attitude.
Spiritual principles are fundamental truths that are universally acceptable.
The spiritual principles of life enable us to find real purpose in life
It helps us find the perfect balance between pursuing money and forging meaningful relationships in life.

[kin]

Today I have spend hours painting the ceiling and wall. In the past, I cannot find time because it was all spend on gambling related activities.

In the past, I had listen to my lies, I thought gambling can give me the money that I need to provide a comfortable life for my family but in the end, it was gambling that rob and steal all my money and destroy everything I have.

Today I have very little money but they are enough to provide my love one. In the past, when I have a lot of money, they are never enough to provide the family because I needed the money to gamble.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I could not finish everything that I set out to do or plan in the past.
Nowadays I do not like to made any promise I cannot keep in this life as I do not wish to set myself up to fail.

Learning to stay focus on today has help me to stick to the plan
I may not be able to stick to the plan all the way to the end in this life
I definitely can stick to the plan all the way to the end today.
And soon I would have completed sticking to the plan all the way for a week.
And soon I would have completed sticking to the plan all the way for a month.

Staying focus on today has given me hope
and increase my chance in recovery.

[kin]

I have received some money today and I can feel some resistance to handover this money to another person for safekeeping before the money arrive. Am I making plan to gamble?

I need to remove the risk that I know and stay away from danger today.
I need to put in more effort to have integrity and honesty today.
I must not leave any loopholes for slip and relapse today.

It was not so simple and straight forward today but I have handed over this money to someone. This is the path to free me of suffering. The spiritual principles help give me strength and resilience when I was weak, doubtful and fearful.

I only need to keep myself safe today.
Tomorrow I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I am grateful and thankful today.

[marcusmaximus]

Hi Kin
Some of your recent posts about spirituality are very thought provoking. Many thanks for posting.
You mentioned a number of spiritual disciplines in order to train the soul and build the “muscles” of our character. For sure I need to keep working on all those areas.
Keep up your great work in staying gamble free.
Best wishes for a happy Christmas time.

[kin]

Hi marcus,

I am glad that they are helping you as much as they are helping me.

All glory belongs to God.

[kin]

Life will always have problems.

We must learn to enjoy our life having these problem without gambling.

Our solution to this problem is a spiritual one.

Spirituality is a set of individual practices and has a lot to do with having a sense of peace and purpose in life.

Religion is different, it is a set of rituals and practices that has to do with the belief and worship of a controlling force, God, or supernatural being.

Spiritual principle is the path, truth, rules and belief laid out for our lives and must be walked as a part of life. Spiritual principles free us of unnecessary suffering, pain and fear.

Some spiritual principles of recovery are acceptance, hope, faith, courage, honesty, patience, humility, willingness, love, integrity, self-discipline, service to others and many more.

Spiritual discipline is the practice of controlled behavior and training to obey and follow the truth, way and rules.

Spiritual disciplines are habits, practices and experiences that are designed to develop, grow and strengthen certain qualities of spirit – to train the soul and build the muscles of one’s character.

Someone once told me that the universal rule of spirituality is to do no harm.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I was reminded today to put my priority in the right place.
I must not lose the things I have chasing after the things I do not have.

I must remember to be grateful and thankful today
I do not have much but they are enough

there are people who are suffering in hunger
all they want is just bread
meat is a luxury for them.

there are people who are homeless
all they want is something to cover their heads
something to protect them from the sun and rain
comfort is a luxury for them.

If I do not want to lose my recovery
I must protect my recovery today

Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

Repent before it is too late
Gambling is not a solution to my problem.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I may have handover all my money to someone for safekeeping, it is still not foolproof and cannot guaranteed my gamble free day.

Do not be shock, it can still go wrong!

One day I may not be able to resist the temptation, it is so quick and convenient to borrow money nowadays. I can borrow to gamble. After I have lost everything, I simply borrow some more to gamble. I only stop gambling after I have lost everything and run out of places to borrow money.

It is so important for me to stay focus today.
I need to remove any risk today.
I need to stay away from danger today.
Tomorrow I do the same.
One day at a time.

I must not start borrowing money to gamble.
I must do everything to protect myself from not borrowing money to gamble on the first time.
I know that once I start borrowing to gamble, I cannot stop borrowing to gamble again and again.

If you are like me, you will have the same problem.

[kin]

Today I feel the pain of my savior who pay for my sin.
My savior takes the punishment on my behalf.

Can you see how I destroy the hard earned saving of those people who have help me.
They are punish for something I did.

Yet I can walk away from them. I can sell them so I can gamble again.
This is the power of the enemy; evil and wicked.

Dear Heavenly Father, I am a sinner, have mercy on me.
I want to give up my ways, I want to be with you.
In Jesus Christ almighty name. Amen.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Dear God, on this Christmas Eve, we want to think about the real reason for this happy season: Jesus’ birth. We want our hearts to be ready so we can truly enjoy celebrating Jesus’ birthday and the peace and joy He came to give us. We want to give You a happy heart that wants to obey You, one that loves You and others. In Jesus name, Amen.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[sarahluna88]

Thank you for your words

• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by sarahluna88.

[kin]

When life gives you a second chance, don’t take it for granted!
Don’t waste the chance, don’t repeat the mistake!

[kin]

I suffer from impulse control disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder, I suffer from impulsive and compulsive behaviors. I was a compulsive gambler.

If I know it was wrong and still go ahead to place the first bet. I was disobedient, willful, unremorseful and unrepentant.

I refuse to follow law and order.
I was determine to do what I want to do even if they are wrong
I was not sorry
I did not feel any regret or guilt.

When my self-will is running riot in my life
I will lose control of my mind and behavior
The price is heavy
I will face a serious consequence
I need mercy, forgiveness and help to bring back the law and order into my life.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I am not a medical professional or addiction counsellor so I do not know what hit me and why it happened when it happens to me.

I was a compulsive gambler. I have struggle with the same problem for more than 30 years.

I will try to describe what happen to me. I was usually gamble free for a period of 6 months to a year. One day, I just simply failed and cannot resist a temptation, an urge, or an impulse to gamble after many gamble-free days.

I suddenly decide to gamble on that day. I was impulsive when I decide to go ahead with the first bet because I did not consider the harmful consequences and heavy price of gambling.

I did not believe it will happen to me. I forget how this enemy has destroyed me many times and caused me great pain and suffering.

My mind tells me one more time; I know what I am doing.
I can control myself; I will not gamble uncontrollably.
I did not believe I will get into trouble after getting into trouble so many times.

The uncontrollable and irresistible urge or compulsion to carry on gambling only happen to me after a period of continue gambling.

It was progressive. At some point, I suddenly cannot stop gambling and gamble compulsively.

First bet, Next bet, Last bet, One more time, each has destroyed me and send me into a very dark place.

Today I try to keep my problem manageable and under control by staying gamble free.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I need to remove any risk today.
I need to stay away from danger today.
I need to stick to the gamble free plan all the way to the end today.

Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

[kin]

This journal is helping me to be consistent and accountable.
It is helping me to maintain my honesty and integrity.
One day at a time.

I am not going to purposely leave some loopholes in my recovery.
I have removed the risk today.
I am going to stay away from danger today.
I am going to stick to the gamble free plan all the way to the end today.

I have received a sum of money yesterday
It was enough to pay off all my installments for next month today.

I only need to stay gamble free today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

[kin]

I was using the support that I get from this forum to help me stay gamble free.
It has help me to stay gamble free for another month.

[kin]

It was my rest day and I have the time to revisit jvr3419 last post
It reminded me about my life after I have stop gambling.

After I have stop escaping and numbing my thinking, feeling and emotion with gambling, relationships, alcohol, food and sex.
I starts to feel and face all my intrusive thought, intense bad feeling and raw emotion with full force.

I have to learn how to live with all the unwanted thoughts, bad feelings and strong emotions without gambling.

I do it one day at a time.
I only need to stick to the plan all the way to the end today.

• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I have to accept my thought to gamble without gambling
I have to accept the intense feeling and strong emotion to gamble without gambling
Thought, feeling and emotion, these too shall pass.

I will never forget how to gamble but I need to live my life without gambling.

• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I cannot stick to the plan all the way to the end for life.
but
I can stick to the plan all the way to the end today.

One day at a time.

[kin]

I need to be extra careful today.
I need to protect my recovery if I do not want to lose it.

In life, sometimes good thing can happen to bad people
and sometimes bad thing can happen to good people
I must accept reality and live life on life’s term without gambling.

I must stay away from danger. I am not good at dealing with stress.
It can get me into troubles.

• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Nothing goes right for me yesterday
They were unexpected, upsetting, frustrating and disappointing
It was not smooth going and straight forward in the end.

I was triggered as a result and became angry.
This was normal if I suffer from impulse control disorder.
This condition makes it difficult for me to control my actions and reactions.

I was glad yesterday is over
I have kept myself safe
I have stay away from danger.

It was a bad day
It too shall pass.

• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.

[marcusmaximus]

Hi Kin
Sorry to hear that you had a tough day but well done for keeping yourself safe and away from danger.
Sometimes we all have bad days but as compulsives we have to be really aware that this may lead us to gamble.
You stayed away. Yes, the day will pass.

[kin]

My last four rest days was used to do things for others.

When nothing goes right on one of the day
I wanted to give up. I did not want to do it.

Today I remember it could be a test from the Creator.
What we know is not what the Creator knows.
Have faith and trust the Creator.

I decided to stick to the plan all the way to the end.
I finish the job.

Time will revealed the truth.
I am happy every thing has return to normal
I am back to my usual routine today

• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I can get easily distracted by other things and lose my priority.
I have made time to help others recently and not having enough rest and sleep.
It can make me very sick.

Today is my rest day. I need to catch up with my sleep.
I need to recharge and restored my energy and strength.
I need to stay focus and not do other things.

[kin]

Every professionals and most anonymous group meeting chairperson says that I have an addictive personality after hearing about my struggles with various substance and behavior.

These addictive behaviors are only just the symptoms, they are not the root of my problem. After I have stop gambling, I stop having gambling problems but I continue to have the same problems that lead me to gamble.

Nowadays I start working on the problem that lead me to gamble. It was only after I have seriously looked at the problems which lead me to gamble and manage them… I begin to appreciate and enjoy the hard work of recovery and the fruits.

[kin]

I must not leave any opportunity that allow me to do something I am not supposed to do
I must not leave any loopholes in my recovery, I must remove all the risk and stay away from danger

If I did not handover all my excess money, I may use that money to gamble
If it has not happen, the answer is not yet, it is waiting to happen one day

If I do not value my honesty and integrity in recovery, I can become disobedient and lawless.
It only take one moment of lapse or foolishness and carelessness, and I will slip into something I was not suppose to do.

If I lose my spirituality, I cannot connect to something bigger and more important than gambling
I shall become spiritually dead, I will justify the reason to gamble
I will not want to stick to the plan all the way to the end.

This journal allow me to talk about my weakness and vulnerability before they actually happen
This journal help me to see that I am heading in the wrong direction and help me to make a U-turn back.
This journal help me to repent before it is too late

I only need to stay gamble free today
Take one day at a time
Tomorrow I do the same

• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I become very impulsive after I was triggered
This is a big problem that leads to my first bet

Impulsive behaviors
– are actions that have little or no fore thought, reflection or consideration of the consequences
– involve unplanned reactions
– arise in response to a perceived immediate gambling gain or benefit
– abrupt or sudden and unexpected change of gamble free plan

• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I was able to sleep for 8 hours. I felt so good after the rest, I have recovered my energy.
I was very grateful for this recovery. It is simply priceless.

I was so vulnerable and weak when I am stress, exhausted and tired.
I can get triggered and have gambling thought during moment like these.

I do not need to gamble but I have become very impulsive.
After all the gamble free days, the mind suddenly wanted to go ahead to place the first bet.
It was totally unexpected, the mind wanted to end all the gamble free days with the first bet.
The mind wanted to end my abstinence in recovery.

I prayed before I sleep.

Psalm 23:1
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

When my unwell mind wanted more
I need to tell my unwell mind that Jesus Christ is enough for me.

I am thankful, Lord.
I feel better after the sleep.

Yesterday has passed, I stayed gamble free.
Today has arrived, I do the same.
I only need to stay gamble free today.

One day at a time.

Dear God, please grant me the serenity to stop beating myself up for not doing things perfectly, the courage to forgive myself because I am working on getting better, and the wisdom to know that you already love me, just the way I am. Amen.

• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I need to know my enemy and familiarize myself with what I am facing on a regular basis.

Impulse control disorder is a class of psychiatric disorder characterized by impulsivity failure to resist a temptation, an urge, an impulse, or the ability to not speak on a thought.

Common features of Impulse Control Disorder
– Failure to resist impulses, urge to perform an act; no brakes in the brain.
– Rise in tension or arousal before committing the act and relief after
– Almost never is just one problem (depression, anxiety, OCD) and other impulsive conditions

[kin]

I need to know my enemy and familiarize myself with what I am facing on a regular basis.

If I am active gambling, I cannot discover that the fear and belief I have; will not happen.

My intrusive and unwanted thoughts in obsessive compulsive disorder trick me into thinking my fear is real and I must do something about it.

These intrusive and unwanted thought keeps repeating over and over again. It arises in response to a threat.

If I am gambling, I will not discover that they will fade away in time even if I do not gamble.

• This reply was modified 9 months ago by kin.

[kin]

What has really help me in the last year was the power of focusing on today, not my future and not my past.

[kin]

I must not forget that stress can come from many different things
Stress can triggered gambling thought and feeling inside me.
I risk becoming impulsive if I am not careful.

I need to do everything to protect myself from not placing the first bet
Once I start gambling, I know that the first bet win or lose
I cannot stop placing the next bet.

I only need to stay focus on today
I only need to stop gambling today

Tomorrow I do the same
One day at a time.

[kin]

Last night I read

Willpower, self-discipline and self control are abilities that help us achieve our goals.

Since they are not the same, I asked…

What is willpower?
What is self-discipline?
What is self-control?

• This reply was modified 8 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Why did most recovery person I met says that our solution is a spiritual one.
What is spirituality in recovery?
What is spiritual principle?
What is spiritual discipline?
What is a Higher Power mentioned in the 12 steps program support group meeting?

[kin]

Today was my rest day. I am back to my normal routine of resting and sleeping to recharged and restored my energy. In between my sleep, I do my journaling.

Journaling has played a big part in my recovery. When I write about my feeling to gamble, or anything, it has help me to contain my strong emotions and kept it in the journal and nothing more, I do not need to act out the actual gambling or thought.

Journaling has stopped my instant gratification or desire to seek pleasure and fulfilment immediately without delay. Journaling has help me make thoughtful decisions, regulate my emotions, stay focused, and persist in the face of obstacles; sticking to the plan all the way to the end.

I was like a runaway truck on the highway with no brakes in the past when triggered and journaling was a good way to calm me down if something is irritating me and making me anxious, it helps me to slow down, refocus and reset my thought process instead of reacting and behaving impulsively.

Journaling has help me to see that my big fear and worry did not come true, they are not real. I do not need to panic, I do not need to gamble.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Meaningless! Meaningless! Everything is meaningless. (Ecclesiastes 1:2)

What do I gain from all my gambling?
What do I achieve from all the gambling?

What did I achieve with the winning from the gambling? Nothing!
What did I achieve from gambling after I have lost everything? Only more suffering, hardship and pain!

All the chasing in gambling, is meaningless!

• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Don’t give up!

If you keep on fighting, if you keep on trying.

One day things will go your way.

[kin]

Practicing Gratitude daily is a discipline.

Train yourself. Gratitude is a discipline of the mind where we commit to counting our blessings every day and expressing thanks to God.

Gratitude is an emotion similar to appreciation. Gratitude is the key to a happy life.

[kin]

Willpower, self-discipline and self-control are abilities that help us achieve our goals.

What is Willpower?

Willpower is the ability to resist short-term temptations or impulses in order to achieve a long-term abstinence.

According to most psychological scientists, willpower can be defined as: The ability to delay gratification, resisting short-term temptations in order to meet long-term goals. The capacity to override an unwanted thought, feeling, or impulse.

For example, if your goal is to quit smoking, willpower would involve resisting the urge to smoke when you are around others who are smoking or when you are feeling stressed.

What Is Self-discipline?

Self-discipline is the ability to control your actions and behavior in order to achieve total abstinence in recovery.

Self-discipline involves making a conscious decision to follow a plan or routine, even if it is difficult or unpleasant.

Self-discipline is the ability to direct your energy into something even when you are not feeling motivated.

For example, if your goal is to lose weight, self-discipline would involve sticking to a healthy diet and exercise plan, even when you don’t feel like it.

What is Self-control?

Self-control is the ability to control emotions, impulses and behaviors to achieve total abstinence in recovery.

Self-control is the war between impulsivity and doing what is right or beneficial.

Self-control is the ability to act in a directed manner despite motivation to do otherwise.

People who lack self-control often give in to impulsive behavior and emotions. They may make poor choices that harm themselves or others or react poorly when they don’t get what they want.

For example

Impulse control is being able to stop and think before acting. Impulse control allows a person to think through consequences before doing something.

Emotional control is the ability to manage feelings. The person can cope with a minor disappointment or criticism and move on with life. They don’t get distracted or overwhelmed by their feelings. A person who struggles with emotional control might find it hard to get past something upsetting. They overreact, and their bad moods may last a long time.

Movement control helps a person keep still when they need to. Having movement control makes it much easier to do what is asked of them, like waiting in line or be still.

[kin]

If I want to keep my job, I need to stay focus on my job today
If I want to keep my recovery, I need to stay focus on my recovery today.

I only need to stay gamble free today
Tomorrow I do the same
One day at a time.

[kin]

Stepping into the year 2024. I have gained one more year of knowledge and experience walking on this road less travelled.

In the past, I have attended all the face to face meetings, tried a few recovery program, speak to doctor, counsellor, mentor, sponsor, set up my deterrence barriers… I used to run more than 3 km every day. I learn to read the big book, basic text and the bible, I learn to pray and meditate, I reach out to other because they say you have to give away to keep what you have in recovery and more…

I still slip and relapse. It only means that I was not doing something properly, so I do it differently the next time, it was not good enough, I slip and relapse again.

After so many years, it only makes me doubt myself, lose my confidence, develop fear, worry and condemn myself more. I stop but could not stay stop. Am I really completely hopeless?

Many things I do help me to develop self- discipline, gain more strength in willpower and self-control but the real acid test comes when I cannot find the same power and strength to resist the temptation in the tug of war; stay still and calm in the storm. I did not know what happen and what hits me?

I did not know that my willpower and self-control can become less power and weaker if I did not take proper self-care. It was like a car, you used up the fuel, you run out of power.

This explain my weakness and vulnerability on some days when I did not have enough rest and sleep, when I was fasting, when I was having stress, when I was unwell, sick, drained, exhausted and tired.

Stay focus on today in the journal was so powerful. It has help me make sure I was discipline enough to get enough sleep, eat properly, identify and recognized the presence of new stress at different time to manage them properly.

This journey was not a straight forward and simple one. They say the solution was a spiritual one. I need work on my spirituality, spiritual principles and spiritual discipline on this road.

The road map is getting clearer now.

One day at a time.

[kin]

I do feel a sense of sadness after reading the article on self-control.
The explanation on impulse control, emotional control and movement control was so accurate.

I did not want it, I never ask for this disorder but I would need to live with my impulse control disorder for the rest of my life. I can only accept what has happen and do my best to take precautionary measures to minimize the chance of the same thing happening again in the future.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Count my blessing

I am grateful for the peace and joy at home
I am grateful to have a job and life is manageable
I am grateful to be working on the things that could have lead me to gamble
I am grateful to have found the power of focusing on today and the power of faith and trust on one day at a time
I am thankful for the food I ate and the rest I get today

[kin]

Count my blessing

I am very thankful to be alive and in good health today.
I am very grateful to my God, family and friend for the mercy, grace, love and kindness that I have received.
I am very thankful for the protection today. I may not have much money but they are enough.
I am very grateful for the new opportunities to grow in my recovery.
I am very thankful for the food and rest I get today.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Writing journal and counting my blessing daily is a form of practice that require discipline. I am going to take one day at a time. I normally lose my discipline after a while and need the training.

Count my blessing today

I very grateful to God for everything
I am very grateful to Gambling Therapy and We Care Community Services
I am very grateful for the support I received from my mentor, counsellor and family
I am very grateful there are less fear, less anxiety, less worry, more faith, more trust and more confident in my recovery.
I do not have much but they are enough, I am grateful.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I was journaling on the notepad in my phone on the road just now. I check my thought, feeling and emotion. I felt good, but something was not right, I do not know what.

I seem to want more, I want to feel good and satisfying, that means doing something familiar and predictable like gambling, drinking, eating, sex and others.

It was a danger sign; I am not home, I am not safe, I could end up anywhere if I allow my self-will to lead me.

My enemy is so cunning and deceptive. It comes very quietly; I did not know it is coming and very near me; it was trying to control me.

You will know if you can recognize some signs such as feeling of boredom, indecisive, impatience and restlessness; discontent and dissatisfied my finance is not good enough, my saving is not growing fast enough; I want more and I want it now.

I just have enough gratitude, calm and patience, mindfulness and awareness to keep me safe in this tug of war today.

I am good and safe at home now as I post this.
I was this close to gambling and my barriers has made it very inconvenient for me.

It only take one bad decision, one wrong move and I could be gambling now.
I was not so determine to gamble today; I was not so impulsive and not very out of control;
I may not be so lucky next time.

I only need to stay gamble free today whether I like it or not.
Tomorrow, I do the same
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

After I have place my FIRST BET
I would not be able to stop
If I win, sooner or later I will place the NEXT BET
If I lose, I cannot stop placing the NEXT BET

After I have place my LAST BET
My mind keep telling me ONE MORE TIME
My mind become obsess with gambling
I become trapped

But if I do not place the first bet
I will not have to worry about the stress from betting
I do not have to worry about winning and losing
I do not have to worry about the next bet
I can continue to enjoy the freedom and peace on each day

[kin]

Count my blessing

I am very grateful that I do not have the stress from the daily gamble. I do not have to worry about missing a gamble.
I am very grateful that I do not have the stress and worry about finding the money to gamble. I do not have to borrow to gamble.
I am very grateful that I do not have the stress, worry and fear from more gambling debts.
I am very grateful that I did not lose my self-control today. I suffer from poor impulse and emotion control.
I am very grateful that gambling is not controlling my life today. I was not stress, troubled and disturb by gambling.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

[kin]

I just bought a new 4.2L electric kettle just now.

It was not a difficult decision.
My single bet can buy me more than 16… 4.2L electric kettles.
A sleazy massage can buy me more than 2… 4.2L electric kettles.
I did not do either.

I do not have to wait to make this purchase.
It was something for the people at home.

I was very undecisive when I am in active gambling.
My money was used for my gambling.
It was about and always for me, me, me.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Count my blessing

I am grateful for the roof over my head and the bed I sleep today
I am grateful for the food I eat today
I am grateful for the job and the income it provide today
I am grateful that everything is enough today
I am grateful to stop gambling today

[kin]

Everything is Ok but I do not feel Ok and I do not know why?

Everyday for the last few days was the same.
I had difficulty sleeping so I did not rest properly and feeling very exhausted and tired.

I don’t know why I am emotionally and feeling unwell.
Is my eczema coming or am I affected by a sickness I do not know?
Is my manageable stress in a few areas adding up to become an heavy burden?

Am I not appreciative of the everyday thing, did it cause me to become spiritually sick and unwell.
Thing are Ok but I do not feel Ok.

I hope that counting my blessing and doing a gratitude list can help me to be appreciative and grateful.
Things may not be Ok but I can be Ok.

[kin]

I am grateful to God for the mercy and grace today.
I am grateful and thankful for the support I receive from my family and mentor today
I am appreciative and thankful to have this job today.
I am thankful that I do not need to gamble today.
I am grateful that I do not have to worry about debt today.

[kin]

Thank God I did not fall into temptation today
Thank God for the protection from evil today
Thank God, the bad feelings and emotions come and go. I was very grateful for the uninterrupted sleep and rest that I received. I can feel the difference in my energy, I was recharged and restored. I could function normally the whole day.
Thank you God, you are my provider, comforter and healer.
I was just grateful to be able to stay focus on today because if I stay obsessed with the future, I can easily fall sick spiritually, I start to have fear, anxiety and worries.

[kin]

When you focus on staying gamble free today
You try to avoid other distractions today
You put aside everything except staying gamble free today
The brain only focuses on staying gamble free today.

Staying focused is important because it can help you complete staying gamble free today and avoid procrastination.

Distractions can make it more difficult to focus on your responsibilities, so eliminating them can boost your efficiency. By giving all your attention to staying gamble free without distractions, you could minimize the chance and risk of making an error.

Focusing on a single thing today will help you to think clearly. All the time you only think about one thing that has to be completed. By completing something small and staying gamble free today, you can regain your motivation, positive mindset and ability to concentrate when tomorrow arrive.

But all people can experience poor attention or trouble focusing sometimes. Some factors may include:

• being hungry
• being tired or having poor-quality sleep
• being stressed
• feeling worried or anxious
• being distracted by something in your environment

So managing the cause of your inability to focus can sometime help resolve the issue.

Staying focus is how you succeed. The old saying “Keep your eye on the prize” says it all.
Having a goal to reach today help you to stay focus.
There is no better feeling than knowing you have reached a set goal.

Develop and stick to the plan all the way to the end today.
Discipline, willpower and self-control are vital ingredients for accomplishing our goals and leading a fulfilling life.

[kin]

The simplest thing can be the most difficult thing for me to do.

More than 18 years ago, I do not know how to do the simplest thing like paying my phone bill every month. After so many years, I have learned to be responsible by action and not talk, I pay my bill first.

I was hoping that I could be like many people who shared about their relapse in GA,AA,NA and other support group meetings that I attended. They have something I want, they are able to provide their family every month but I cannot and I do not understand why. After so many years, I have learned to be responsible and loving by action and not talk, I have become like them now, I was able to provide my family every month for more than 7 years.

I am not miserable anymore, I have learned to enjoy my recovery.
I only need to stay focus on today. I do not worry about my past and future.
Tomorrow I do the same, my task has become smaller and more achievable every day.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Everyday the tug of war was between staying gamble free today vs placing the first bet.

How important is staying gamble free today?
Is it everything for me to keep the spiritual principles
Is it worth it to win the money and lose my values.

How important is winning this one bet for me today?
What is the point of winning one bet and losing my soul
Is it worth it to win the money and lose the most important thing in my life.

What is the most important thing in my life?
What is my purpose in life now?

This brings me to look at something bigger than me in life, something greater, more powerful and more important than me.

[kin]

Everyday the tug of war was between staying gamble free today vs placing the first bet.

On a bad day, the pulling power on placing the first bet felt stronger because I was weaker and more vulnerable due to the following reasons:

• being hungry
• being tired or having poor-quality sleep
• being stressed
• feeling worried or anxious
• being distracted by something

These are moments when my willpower and self-control become weaker

• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I am grateful to be gamble free today.

I am grateful that I do not have to struggle with the greediness and corruption in gambling. I was able to be honest and have integrity in my recovery today.

I am grateful to put in the effort to avoid cheating in recovery and falling into temptation. I must stay focus and not lose my concentration for today. I must not be distracted by everyday living problem today.

I am grateful not to focus on what I do not have and focus on what I have. I do not wish to lose what I have chasing after something I do not have.

I am grateful to have little but they are enough. I do not have to be fearful, anxious, worry and feel insecure that they are not enough.

Be kind and humble always!

• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I am not perfect, I was afraid that I am weak and fail.
I cannot guarantee that I remain faithful and stick to the gamble free plan all the way to the end for the rest of my life.
There are just too many tests and temptations along the way in life’s journey but I can stick to the gamble free plan all the way to end today.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I am very mindful to be grateful today.
I am very thankful for the job and income.
I am very grateful to stay stop in gambling, I do not incur unexpected losses and debts.
I am very grateful for the peace and security at home, they do not have to worry about me self-destructing.
I am very grateful to remember that I should not lose everything I have chasing after the things I do not have.

more kind and humble, less anger and self-righteous
more patience and tolerance, less impulsive and explosive

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want (Psalm 23)

I am a sinner
I thank God for the mercy and grace

• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I do not need to understand
I only need to stop gambling today.

I cannot guarantee that I can stop gambling
(for the rest of my life, for the rest of the year, for the rest of the month, for the rest of the week.)
but I can stop gambling today.

The voice maybe loud and convincing;
The thought maybe justifiable, rational and reasonable to gamble;
I can choose not to listen to this voice or follow this thought;
I can choose to be disobedient to this voice and thought;
I can stop gambling today.

Even when I have weak faith, believe, trust and confident, it is enough.
I can stop gambling today.

I can be distracted or tempted;
have urges and craving;
be selfish, self-centered, self-seeking;
become greedy, discontented and ungrateful;
feel fearful, anxious and insecure that money is not enough;
feeling weak and vulnerable;
lose my focus and concentration in recovery.
I can stop gambling today.

Dear God, I am a sinner, I am not perfect,
I knee before you and ask for your forgiveness and help, have mercy on me.
I pray in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. (Psalm 23)

[kin]

I do read my own post, writing them down show me what is going on inside my head.
It has help me to be more forgiving, less punishing and less hard on myself.
It has help me to live with my problems.
I have learn to accept my problem as I strive and move on to live my life with more purpose and happiness now.

The journey was always harder if there are additional challenges
They can come from mental, physical and emotional illness.

The road is rocky with many turns going uphill
It is a normal thing if you are doing this to survive everyday

I am not God, I am not perfect
I cannot promise and guarantee that I can stick to the plan all the way to the end for the rest of my life

I can stick to the plan all the way to the end today.
Tomorrow I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Everything look and feel the same. Everything was OK but I am not OK. I do not know why?

Later in the day I realize and notice that my eczema is returning
I also remember that I have received lesser cash money than I plan on payday recently
plus the stress from fatigue and exhaustion at work
I am not surprise by my triggering thought
Under these conditions, I guess it was normal for me.
Yesterday is over now. I have thought about gambling but did not gamble.
I was able to stick to the plan all the way to the end yesterday.

[marcusmaximus]

Hi Kin
Great to hear you are sticking to the plan. Well done on staying strong. Keep it going. Best wishes.

[kin]

Hi marcus,

Thank you for this post.

[kin]

I have enough sleep. I could feel that my energy was recharged and restored to face a new day.
I have nothing in mind to post today until I have my quiet time over hot coffee and this thought cross my mind:

Everything was OK today and I felt OK today
Everything was OK yesterday but I did not felt OK
I realized how things can change so suddenly so quickly.

Everything was the same but yesterday I felt the urge; I wish to gamble to have more money.
Today I did not have any impulse to place the bet; I did not have any feeling of fear, worry, or anxiety from insufficient money. I was contented and very thankful that I was not in trouble today.

I did not gamble yesterday, I did not gamble today.
All the effort was to stay gamble free one day at a time.
It was harder to stay gamble free yesterday.

If I did not write it all down
I wouldn’t notice the things and differences that happen in my day.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

If I did not put it all down in words, I cannot see my challenges and struggles clearly.
I am human, I will lose my focus and forget easily. Journaling help me to remember and remind me to watch my steps, it help me to take one small baby step forward at a time.

I am very grateful; I was tempted but I did not fall for the temptations today; I was distracted but I did not lose all my focus completely today. I did not place my first bet today.

I am very grateful to walk away and sacrifice the win in the gamble today. My action reward me with something priceless and invisible, I continue to experience inner peace, freedom, calm, joy and happiness instead of fear, stress, worry, panic, anxiety, pain, hardship and suffering today.

I am very grateful to realize and remember the harmful effect of gambling today.

I am very grateful to repent today; I was headed in the wrong direction, but I make a U-turn back to the correct direction today. I wanted to gamble but I decided to stop today.

I am very grateful that I did not suffer from the anxiety, worry and impulsive feelings on the NEXT bet, one LAST bet, one MORE bet as I had not placed my FIRST bet today.

Don’t wait until it is too late for regrets!

• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I am thankful today was no different from my first gamble free day.
I am grateful to do the same thing that has help me stay gamble free on my first day.
I am grateful and thankful to journal, it has help me get heal and recover.

Journaling has played a very big part in helping me stay focus on my recovery.
It has help me develop more self-discipline, as I need to put in the time and effort.
Regular practice helps me to strengthen my determination, willpower and self-control.

But once I stop doing all the things that is helping me to stay gamble free
I can easily get distracted, lose focus and lack self-disciple; my willpower and self-control can grow weaker over time

I am concern that I will be setting myself up to fail if I stop doing all the things that has help me stay gamble free on my first day. I am not required to like journaling, I am only required to do the journaling.

It will not be fair if I was force to do something. My God has given me the free will, I was given the free choice to choose what I want to do.

Many times I have follow my ways and the result was disastrous.
Slowly I return to my old ways. I am pretty sure my ways does not work!

• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[sarahluna88]

You keep this forum running, that’s very helpful cause every day I look at my mails I see posts from you. That’s a very good reminder 😊

[kin]

Hi sarah,

Thank you for your kind words.

I truly am just like another patient seeking help at the hospital
A patient never run the hospital, it will be a disaster for the others.
At most, I was just carrying the good message from the Higher Power to others.
I was like most patients, so I know how they feel.

I was having my quiet time. This was an important message for me.
I have not taken my high blood pressure medicine so my blood pressure will remain high or become high in the end.

I have high blood pressure illness and I am taking a very big risk if I do not take my medicine every day.
It can lead to other complications like heart attack and stroke.

I am not free from high blood pressure
I can only keep it manageable and under control
my status will always be work in progress and under construction.

This is very much like recovery from compulsive gambling
I need to continue doing what has helps me in the beginning to rebuild my life.

Amen.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I have make this mistake so many times.
After I feel better, I thought it was no longer necessary and urgent for me to take my medicine every day.
I stop doing the things that has help me get better in the beginning.
It happen to my recovery in gambling, high blood pressure, weight loss, overeating, exercise and saving.
I lost my discipline and become lazy.

I am very grateful for the mindfulness, awareness and reminder
I have stop and I need to stay stop
I need to continue to do the things that has help me to stay stop in the beginning

• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I am very grateful to read the post by others every day.
Sometime the post help me as much as it help the person who post it.

It reminded me of ways leading to my gambling
It encourage me to do the things that I do not like to do to stay gamble free.
I must not forget to do the things that has help me stay gamble free on my first day.

I was determine not to gamble on my first gamble free day
I did not want to be greedy and corrupt in the beginning
I tried to remove the risk and stay away from the danger
I continue to journal and keep my barriers

When I am mentally and physically stressed and tired
When my willpower and self-control is weak
My top priority was to recharge and restore my energy with more rest and sleep

I only need to stop gambling today.
Tomorrow I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

These negative thoughts has a name, it is called “Stinking Thinking”.

These thoughts sabotage your ability to see clearly and take responsibility for your actions.

Even if you have stop gambling, you may still find yourself slipping into Stinking Thinking and not be able to stick to your gamble free plan all the way to the end.

Stop gambling is a great first step, but it must be followed by a change of heart. You will need to address Stinking Thinking if you want long-term freedom from gambling.

[kin]

When I become irresponsible, I stop doing all the things that has help me to heal and progress in my life.

When I stop putting in the effort and hard work in recovery and life
Sooner or later, one of the life crisis on the road will hit me that will send me free falling into the rock bottom.

[kin]

This barbershop theory is often used for recovery, “If you hang around the barber shop long enough, sooner or later, you are going to get a haircut.” The same applies to food, sex, alcohol, smoking, drugs and slot machines.

If I am a recovering compulsive gambler and I spend my free time and entertainment in website that shows me live sporting match, live gamble and odds, I am putting myself in danger, according to the barbershop theory, sooner or later, I am going to place the first bet.

If I am a recovering alcoholic and I spend my free time with friends in drinking places all the times, I am putting myself in danger, according to the barbershop theory, sooner or later, I am going to pick up the first drink.

Don’t put yourself in situations where undesirable consequences are likely to unfold.

It is my responsibility to walk away and stay away from danger.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I need to expose the things that lead to my gambling. I cannot pretend that this problem does not exist.

Once the seed of doubt was planted, unbelief can grow in strength under the right environment to distract and tempt me to gamble.

I need help from a Higher Power to deal with my problem. I need to have faith and trust in my Higher Power.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. Jesus is enough for me.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I am grateful to alive today.
I am grateful to be gamble free for another day, tomorrow I do the same.
I am grateful to be given a second chance in life today.
I am grateful for the protection, mercy and grace today.
I am grateful to be free from “I want more.”

[kin]

Why did I continue to journal?

Journaling not only check my thought, feeling and emotions, it also helps me to develop self-discipline.

I need to complete my journaling even if I do not have the desire or feeling to do it.
This ability or self-control can help me avoid or stop gambling that could lead to negative consequences.

It is the ability to guide, retrain, control and correct me to achieve my goal.
It is the ability to regulate and control myself to achieve a higher goal.

This ability can be strengthened with more practice.
Regular practice becomes a habit.

[kin]

One voice tells me to gamble all the times
The other voice tell me not to gamble.

The voice I follow grew stronger
with more practice, I react to it faster, it become an impulse and a habit
until the resistance is not strong enough and not quick enough to stop me.

With more practice, the voice I did not follow grew weaker
I will take a longer time to reconsider or react before I act it out; slow down
become a habit until it is not strong enough to pull me anymore.

• This reply was modified 8 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I am grateful not to fall into temptation today
I am grateful for the protection against evil today
I am grateful not to be stress by gambling today
I am grateful not to lose every dollar today
I am thankful to give up gambling today

[kin]

Today I read that we need to recognize the pattern of Stinking Thinking.

They are often the root cause of relapse.

Stinking Thinking rationalize placing a bet so that it sounds like a good idea.

Grandiosity is stinking thinking. We think of ourselves as different; we believe that we are better, we have the experience, skill and ability to beat the odds and not risk relapse.

Grandiosity is believing that we can gamble again

Grandiosity is believing that one bet is not going to make us lose control.

Grandiosity is believing we can go to a casino without being tempted to gamble.

Lip Service is Stinking Thinking. Lip Service is all talk and no action.

Lip Service is wishful thinking; wishing our words will come true.

That is what make Lip Service dangerous to a recovering person

Unless we follow up on our words with sincere action, we risk the danger of a relapse.

Talk is cheap. Recovery required Action! Change! Commitment! And Work!

[kin]

Count 5 blessings

1. I am grateful for the peace of mind after I have stop gambling.
2. I am grateful for the lower and more manageable stress everyday after I have stop gambling.
3. I am grateful that gambling cannot steal, rob, cheat, deceive, and wipeout all my money if I did not place the first bet.
4. I am grateful for the saving after I have stop gambling.
5. It was slow but I am progressing towards my goal, it is enough, I am thankful.

[kin]

I am thankful to be gamble free for another month today.

But I am really afraid that if I only stop gambling today
Tomorrow I may start gambling again

If I quit gambling today
I am saying I give up gambling today.
I will not even try.

[jasmineisme]

Oh man, that’s like leveling up in the real-life game of staying gamble-free! Super proud of your one-month achievement! But hey, I get the worry – it’s like dodging a boss today, but what if tomorrow brings a new level with shiny temptations? Quitting might feel like hitting ‘pause’ on the gaming console, but remember, in this game, you’re the undefeated player.

[kin]

Hi jasmine,

Thank you for posting.

[kin]

I must not stop doing the things that has help me to stay stop on my first day.

There is a paradox that says, “We surrender to win.”

Someone once said, we can’t win in compulsive gambling, so we surrender.

It simply means that we stop fighting our addiction as though we can defeat it, control it, and continue gambling.

“As soon as we surrender, the battle is over.”

That is how we win.

By choosing not to fight, we are spared.

[kin]

I needed to post this to remind myself.
When I started to post new things like gratitude list and counting my blessing here.
I easily forget about old things that I have been doing like removing the loopholes in my everyday recovery and honesty.

one reason why I have develop a strong urge to gamble was having access to my excess money.
one reason why I did not gamble and my saving was growing is handing over the excess money to someone to safekeep for me.

Thinking about Charles, jvr3419 and risingphoenix remind me of the different strength that they carry.
Reading their post reminded me what I need to do. I could not do all these gamble free things alone on my own.

• This reply was modified 8 months ago by kin.

[kin]

A famous man’s final essay:

“I reached the pinnacle of success in the business world. In others’ eyes my life is an epitome of success.
However, aside from work, I have little joy. In the end, wealth is only a fact of life that I am accustomed to.

At this moment, lying on the sick bed and recalling my whole life, I realize that all the recognition and
wealth that I took so much pride in, have paled and become meaningless in the face of impending death.

You can employ someone to drive the car for you, make money for you but you cannot have someone to bear the sickness for you.

Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost – “Life”.

When a person goes into the operating room, he will realize that there is one book that he has yet to finish reading – “Book of Healthy Life.”

Whichever stage in life we are at right now, with time, we will face the day when the curtain comes down.

Treasure Love for your family, love for your spouse, love for your friends…
Treat yourself well. Cherish others.

As we grow older, and hence wiser, we slowly realize that —

• wearing a $300 or $30 watch – they both tell the same time…
• Whether we carry a $300 or $30 wallet/handbag – the amount of money inside is the same;
• Whether we drive a $150,000 car or a $30,000 car, the road and distance is the same, and we get to the same destination.
• Whether we drink a bottle of $300 or $10 wine – the hangover is the same;
• Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3000 sq ft – loneliness is the same.

You will realize, your true inner happiness does not come from the material things of this world.

Whether you fly first or economy class, if the plane goes down – you go down with it…

Therefore.. I hope you realize, when you have mates, buddies and old friends, brothers and sisters, who you chat with, laugh with, talk with, have sing songs with, talk about north-south-east-west or heaven and earth, …. That is true happiness!!

Five Undeniable Facts of Life :
1. Don’t educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be Happy. So when they grow up they will know the value of things not the price.
2. Best awarded words in London … “Eat your food as your medicines. Otherwise you have to eat medicines as your food.”
3. The One who loves you will never leave you for another because even if there are 100 reasons to give up he or she will find one reason to hold on.
4. There is a big difference between a human being and being human. Only a few really understand it.
5. You are loved when you are born. You will be loved when you die. In between, You have to manage!

NOTE: If you just want to Walk Fast, Walk Alone! But if you want to Walk Far, Walk Together!

Six Best Doctors in the World
1. Sunlight
2. Rest
3. Exercise
4. Diet
5. Self Confidence and
6. Friends

Maintain them in all stages of Life and enjoy a healthy life.

[kin]

I have just woke up. I had a good rest.
I have recharged and restored my energy.

1. All the stinking thinking that was there before the sleep has disappear after my sleep.
I am very grateful.

2. I am very grateful to be alive today.
Every day alive and healthy is a bonus.

If today was my last day, it is not important for me to gamble.
If today was my last day, I will be very focus on today.
I will not worry about yesterday and tomorrow.

3. If today was my last day, I will not consider using my money on gambling
I will be grateful to spend my money on other more meaningful things.

4. I am grateful to complete my first gamble free day this month
Everyday was like my first day in recovery, I need to put in the same effort and work.

5. I am so grateful to Steve Job for his final essay.
I really hope his words of wisdom is helping and touching others in here as much as it has help and touch me.

[kin]

I did not gamble on sports today because:

1. I removed the temptation and risk of sport punting by handing over my excess money to someone to safekeep for me.
2. I did not go near any live sport betting house and stayed away from the danger of sport betting
3. I do other things instead of gambling – many times I was journaling in here

• This reply was modified 8 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months ago by kin.

[kin]

My willpower and self-control

13 months has passed since I found this current job. Every day was a constant battle to stay awake and alert because I am working the graveyard 12 hours shift. Some days are harder because I was feeling sick or I did not sleep well and become very tired. On my bad days, the brain just switched off and my eyes closed on the job.

I no longer doubt myself anymore. l can see how my willpower and self-control regain strength after I have recharge and restore my energy with sleep. After the third day on the job, my willpower and self-control will normally become weaker. My willpower and self-control are the like fuel in a car, the car run out of power when the fuel was used up. I have to be very determined and work very hard to handle the temptations and distractions at these times.

When I cannot find the strength to face these test and trials, I learn to depend on a power greater than me. I learn to have faith and trust on a Higher Power. I learn to pray in recovery.

Today will be the first working day of a four days cycle. I am very grateful to have a job.

Be kind and humble always. One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 8 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Everything is not ok but I am ok today.
I was mindful that I suffered from impulse control disorder and obsessive compulsive behavior.
I was triggered but kept my impulse and emotion under control, I did not allow myself to act out.
It is like taming the beast.

After I have stop gambling
I continue to deal with the living problem that has lead to my gambling.

Unlike in the past when I was active gambling
I have to deal with the problem brought by my gambling.

I am grateful to be gamble free for another day.

• This reply was modified 8 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I was working on the problem that leads me to gamble and today I read…

Two things drive us: necessities such as food, sleep, avoidance of pain; and rewards.

Our brains are wired to pursue rewards. Adults and kids will pursue anything that seems like a reward.

When our brain identifies a possible reward, it releases a powerful neurotransmitter called dopamine. This dopamine rush propels us toward the reward.

I also read…

Psychopaths are often thought of as someone who take what they want without thinking about consequences, they lack emotions like empathy, fear and remorse and exhibit defiant social behavior.

Psychopaths’ brain appeared to be wired to keep seeking reward no matter the consequences at any cost.

The anticipation or motivation for reward overwhelms those concerns with potential threat, risk and danger.

Once they focus on the chance to get a reward, they are unable to alter their attention until they get what they are after.

They have in abundance – impulsivity, heightened attraction to rewards and risk taking.

A hyper-reactive dopamine reward system maybe the foundation for some of the problematic behaviors.

Certain mental health condition may also contribute to an increase in risk-taking.

People suffering from attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder ADHD are likely to engage in risky behavior because they tend to be more impulsive while people suffering from PTSD were likely to engage in risk-taking behavior when in a negative state.

Example of risk-taking behaviors include:

1. Gambling more than they can afford to lose.
2. Criminal activity such as stealing, vandalism and trespassing
3. Having sex with strangers or engaging in sex without protection against sexually transmitted diseases or unplanned pregnancies
4. Driving under the influence of alcohol or engaging in dangerous driving
5. Skipping school

I was disappointed and sad to find some answer to the questions I have ever asked. My reward and risk-taking behavior was so similar to that of a psychopath or person with mental conditions. The truth hurts…

I will not sugar coat my journal to make my post attractive and acceptable. Uncovering my wrongful and sinful, lawlessness acts was shocking, foolish, stupid, irresponsible, embarrassing, shameful, guilty and painful. I have lost all my self-control at that time.

• This reply was modified 8 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 8 months ago by kin.

[kin]

What would I like to tell myself?

1. Don’t be distracted by problems
2. Stay focus on recovering
3. Don’t give up trying to recover

• This reply was modified 8 months ago by kin.

[kin]

my love for reward and risk taking; my irresponsibility and impulsiveness; my impatience and bad judgement have all contributed to my first bet but after I start to remove the risk and stay away from danger; after I start to prioritize giving, providing and taking care of love ones and giving up my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways; after I learn to fast and practice abstinence giving up my self-will; after I seek, focus and pray to a Higher Power…things start to change and my gamble free days start to grow.

[kin]

While I am alive
I can afford not to win everything
I cannot afford to lose everything

If today was my last day alive
I can find more important things than money
I can find more important things to do than gambling

If today was my last day alive,
gambling is not important,
I will not gamble.

• This reply was modified 8 months ago by kin.

[kin]

amended copy

While I am alive
I can afford not to win anything
I cannot afford to lose everything

If today was my last day alive
I can find more important things than money
I can find more important things to do than gambling

If today was my last day alive,
gambling is not important,
I will not gamble.

[kin]

gratitude list

1. I am grateful to be healthy and alive today.
2. I am grateful for the rest, sleep, food and shelter I get today.
3. I am grateful to have a job and income today.
4. I am thankful everything is manageable and enough today.
5. I thank God for providing everything.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Someone who wanted to stay gamble free realize
The paradox of recovery: To keep it, you have to give it away.

It is based on one helping another.
One found another and together they stay gamble free for each other.

we learn to give away what we have received and learned in this forum.
we shared with all who have the same desire… that brought us together in this forum… to recover from compulsive gambling…by sharing in this journal, we get to keep the ability to say “No” to any craving and temptation that the addiction can throw at us…or else we may place the first bet.

to gamble would cause us to lose our sanity; a priceless and precious gift that was given to us.

only when we are ready, we begin to believe and accept a power greater than ourselves in this forum, ever reminding us, that by ourselves we are powerless over our addictions.

today I read…

Keep yourself empty like a vessel for God to fill.
Keep pouring out yourself to help others so that God can keep filling you up with His spirit.

The more you give, the more you will have for yourself.
God will see that you are kept filled as long as you are giving to others.

To be clear, a lake must have an inflow and an outflow.
If you selfishly try to keep all for yourself, you are soon blocked off from your source of supply and become stagnant.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I was not following my feelings and reasons to gamble when I stay gamble free.
I choose to have faith and trust in Jesus, The Way, The Truth, and The Life to make my path straight.
In reality, there are many temptations, distractions, tests and trials along the journey in life that can derail me.
I cannot guarantee that I can stay gamble free for the rest of my life but I can stay gamble free today.
So I only take one day at a time, I only need to stop gambling today, tomorrow I do the same.

[kin]

After I have stop gambling, I will start to have saving and money.
I will start to think that it is ok to gamble but it is not.

When I have saving and money.
I will be tempted and attracted to gambling.

When I stop doing what I did on my first gamble free day.
I am at risk of placing the first bet.

Today was no different from my first day in recovery.
I must not stop doing what I did on my first day in recovery.

Every day is like my first day in recovery.
I only need to stop gambling today.

Tomorrow I do the same.
One day at a time.

Be kind and humble always.

[kin]

When life starts to become comfortable. I start to become careless and lazy, I start to become lenient on myself.
I will start to allow myself to do things that I will not normally do if I was strict with myself.

When I am not mindful, I will slowly lose focus.
I will stop what I am doing in recovery.
I will slowly allow my old ways and habit to creep in quietly.
I start by looking into areas that I should not be looking at…

1. I will check how much money I have before the match.
2. I will check the betting fixtures or match.
3. I will look at the odds.
4. I will make predictions base on my past experiences.
5. I will watch the football matches.
6. I will check the results.

1. I will enter the slot machines clubhouse in my free times.
2. I will watch other people play slot machines.

1. I like to check and think about whether I can go to a casino due to restrictions like my working days; casino ban; financial reasons.
2. Whether I have the free time or off days to do it.
3. Which casino can I visit.
4. How much money can I used for gambling.
5. I will enter the casino.
6. I will watch other people gambling.

1. I will check how much I can afford to lose on lottery tickets.
2. how much I can afford to risk on a horse race.

1. I will watch youtube and tiktok video on people playing poker or slot machines.

I dare not do such things in my early gamble free days because I was very mindful and fearful that I will fall into temptations and traps. These are activities that can lead me to gamble again.

Before I gamble: I normally think that I know what I am doing; everything is under control; I can be more careful; I can resist them; I have the strength and power to say “no” to gambling but I soon found out the truth the hard way, the answer is not “No”, the answer is “Not Yet.”

This is the biggest lie and loophole that I can keep in my recovery.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I am grateful that this journal has allow me to work on the problem that can lead me to gamble. It has help me recognized and get to know my problem better. I have got to know my impulse control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and psychopathy link to gambling.

Big consequences and heavy price of gambling did not stop my gambling. I did not have any fear, empathy, remorse, regret and strong resistance that could stop me when I gamble. I did not have a strong repentance; I knew it was wrong to gamble but it did not make me turn around and walk away from the gamble.

I am taking one small baby step forward at a time to work on my problems that has led to gambling.

It has help me stop gambling today. Tomorrow, I do the same. One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[sarahluna88]

Great text.. it’s very impressive

[kin]

A diagnosis of gambling disorder requires at least four of the following during the past year:

1. Need to gamble with increasing amounts to achieve the desired excitement.
2. Restless or irritable when trying to cut down or stop gambling.
3. Repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back on or stop gambling.
4. Frequent thoughts about gambling (such as reliving past gambling or planning future gambling).
5. Often gambling when feeling distressed.
6. After losing money gambling, often returning to get even. (“chasing” one’s losses.)
7. Lying to hide gambling activity.
8. Risking or losing a close relationship, a job, or an opportunity because of gambling.
9. Relying on others to help with money problems caused by gambling

[sarahluna88]

It all describes me and my behavior.. I’ve learned more from you than from any other educated person in case of addiction to gambling. Thank you

[kin]

Hi sarah,

I am glad that my post in this journal is helping you as much as it is helping me.

[kin]

While I am alive
I can afford not to win anything
I cannot afford to lose everything

If today was my last day alive
I can find more important thing than money
I can find more important thing to do than gambling

If today was my last day alive
gambling is not important
I will not gamble

[sarahluna88]

It’s great that we can get help on such an easy way. I told my therapist that this journal is my most important tool in recovery. He asked me for the name of this forum so that he can tell other patients about it, and how much it has helped me already and every next day. You also, with your constant presence here.

😊

[kin]

Hi sarah,

Keep posting. Nobody can do the hard work for us; we need to journal regularly to get the benefits.

Mindfulness describes a practice of focused attention and awareness. There are many ways that we can practice mindfulness: meditation, breathing exercises, and body scans. Another method is through journaling.

Scientific research conducted over the past two decades finds that expressive writing can offer a multitude of mental and emotional health benefits. Journaling can decrease stress, help to level out your most turbulent emotions, and increase your sense of gratitude and optimism.

[kin]

I have gambling thought when I lust for more money

It is when I want to chase after the money I do not have with the money that I have
Do I really want to lose everything I have chasing after something I do not have?

If I do not want to lose my money
I need to protect my money today.

I only need to stop gambling today.
Tomorrow I do the same.

Today I remember to pray:
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. (Psalm 23)

• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Today I read the following quotes

Gambling is a family disease. One person may be addicted but the whole family suffers.

Show me a gambler and I’ll show you a loser.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing from something.

A Gambler is nothing but a man who makes his living out of false hope.

[kin]

Today I remember the soldiers at the frontline fighting for the freedom of their country and the terminal illness patients at the hospital fighting for their lives. Someone in this forum used to tell us to “fight the good fight.”

Last night I read this verse in 2 Timothy 4:7 that says, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”

Now I realized…

Every day every single one of us in this forum begin our day at the same starting point. We are all trying to finish our day gamble free. On some days, it is smooth and easy but some days, it can really be rough and tough and everyone has their own battle to fight.

[kin]

This journal is the only place that I can be honest and open with my struggles with gambling.

After going abstinence for some time, I normally get very anxious and impatience that my saving is growing too slowly and wish it was more. I will panic and try to fix the situation with gambling.

Having access to money, opportunity to gamble and time put me at risk of gambling. Some people say we are not bad people, we just have an illness while some people say we are not bad people, we just made some bad choices.

I have stop gambling long enough to save up a humble amount of money. I have never saved this amount of money the hard way before, because every time when I was near to this amount, I start gambling.

I do not want to repeat this mistake again. I have asked for help and someone is safekeeping this money for me.

1. I need to be honest and not leave any loopholes for me to gamble today.
2. I need to remove any risk and stay away from danger today.
3. I only need to stop gambling today.
4. I only need to stick to the plan all the way to the end today.
5. Tomorrow, I do the same.
6. Take one day at a time.

[Cruising247]

Good to see you are still hanging in there Kin.
It’s been a while since I have checkef in on the forum, and not because I have been doing good. But, I’m happy to see you are still doing what it takes to stay gamble free.

[kin]

Hi Cruising,

Thank you for this post.

Welcome back!

[kin]

When you’re in recovery, you need all the support you can get, you need a community to surround, challenge, and encourage you.

Sobriety takes a village. Without support, we encounter loneliness, a hazard for relapse. Striking out on your own can send you down the road to relapse.

It’s not uncommon for individuals recovering from problem gambling to feel lonely and isolated.

Having a support system can provide company and people into your life that might relate to what you are going through. It takes a village to help you recover.

[kin]

It seems so simple yet so profound.
Gratitude help you see a situation from a different perspective;
Turning what we have into enough.

[kin]

Expose the liar inside me and my lies.
They are my addiction talking.
It has a name called stinking thinking.

It is trying to catch me off guard.
I will gamble if I am not watching my steps.

I need to have repentance in my recovery.

Whenever I think that gambling can be a solution to my financial problem or whenever I am heading in the wrong direction. I must know that it is time to make a U-turn back, onto the right path, in the right direction.

I must not turn a blind eye to the gamble, I must stop the first bet today.
It is my responsibility to walk away from the first bet today.
It is my responsibility not to allow the first bet to take place today.

[kin]

I feel hurt, lousy, and my heart is heavy as I write this post.

First, I saw Mr. Dunc ‘s post on the passing of a kind, loving, caring, experience, knowledgeable and helpful recovering person that I respect a great deal today. Thank you Mr. Dunc on the update.

I have not use my face book account for a long time. I just have to log in to my face book account today because I want to visit Mr. Ken L face book page. Mr. Ken L have touched the heart of many…

I saw an unread message at the bottom right hand corner. It was from my psychologist dated 11 Jan 2023. He informed me that he has suffered from a massive stroke and almost died. I visited his face book page, my heart sink when I saw this young man ‘s face and body in the photo.

Life is so unpredictable and uncertain.
Many things can change and change suddenly.

I have never given my life and my health a top priority.
I have never think much about life and death.

Nobody expect anyone to be normal and healthy today, bedridden and paralyzed the next;
here today and gone the next.

Today I was hit very hard by reality and feel pain from these two unexpected and unfortunate news.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

As I wash my face
My head is telling me to go drinking, it is ok to gamble.

After I finished washing my face
I understand that I have acted out in the past to escape uncomfortable, hard and stressful times; and ease the pain.

I cannot remember what I was busy with in 2023?

I check my inventory:
I started the current job in 2023.
My mum was sick and passed away in 2023.

I suffered from impulse control disorder, and obsessive control disorder. I can be impulsive and lose control of my emotion easily, I have self-destructed many times in the past.

Today I am not following my feelings and reasons to go out gamble or drink when I choose to stay home; stay away and walk away from danger.

I only need to stay clean and sober today.
I need to stick to the plan all the way to the end today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[Cruising247]

Hi Kin,
I am sorry sorry to hear the sad news regarding your friends, and the best thing you can do to honor them both is to stay strong, and gamble free.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, sending virtual hugs your way.
One day at a time my friend….

[kin]

Hi Cruising,

Thank you for your support in this post.

I have always been impulsive and can lose control of my emotions easily
I have ended up doing things that I regret later many times.

Today I work on the problems that can lead me to gamble after I have stop gambling.
One day at a time.

[marcusmaximus]

Hi Kin
I echo what Cruising247 said. My thoughts are with you too.
Stay strong at this time. Gambling does not respect us when we are going through a tough time, it seeks to exploit us.
Take care, best wishes.

[kin]

Hi marcus,

Thank you for your support in this post.

[kin]

We can try to avoid the curve balls but still get hit by them in life.

Bad things do happen to good people in life. This is life.
I have learnt to accept this reality the hard way.
I have learnt to accept that there are many areas in my life that is out of my control.
This is living life on life ‘s term.
When I do get hit by the unexpected events,
I need to watch out and make sure that I do not self-destruct.
I must not become impulsive and lose my self-control.

I suffer from impulse control disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and psychopathy link to gambling.
I need to work on the problems that can lead me to gamble constantly.

It is my responsibility to walk away from the first bet and stay away from danger.

I must repent if I am going to gamble.
I need to stop myself, and make a U-turn back to safety.
I must not turn a blind eye to gamble.
I must avoid the first bet.
I must not allow the first bet to happen today.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I have handed over my incoming excess money to another person for safekeeping today.

I am left with nothing more to gamble, nothing more to lose today.

1. I need to be honest and not leave any loopholes for me to gamble today.
2. I need to remove any risk and stay away from danger today.
3. I only need to stop gambling today.
4. I need to stick to the plan all the way to the end today.
5. Tomorrow, I do the same.
6. One day at a time.

[kin]

They have invented the slot machines to do evil. It was one of the most important if not the most important moneymaker in a casino, sports club or country club.

Slot machine has often been called the crack cocaine of gambling because electronic gaming is the most ‘addictive’ form of gambling. It has contributed more to causing problem gambling than any other gambling activity.

On 5 Feb 2015, I have finally admitted that I was truly powerless over slot machines and apply for a self-exclusion ban in my country specially for slot machine and legal online betting account.

I could not stop using slot machines on my own; the ban has successfully stop me from using a slot machine in my country for 9 years.

How can I be so blinded by these slot machines?

The evidence was so clear for all to see now – my contribution to the family every month only start after my ban. Before the ban, these electronic gaming machines have milk me dry and take away all my money every month.

I remember always feeling very guilty and very ashamed to face my family after feeding the machines; I have nothing to feed my family.

Slot machines was my coping mechanism to help me deal with strong feelings and emotions in life. Now I am learning how to manage and cope with my feelings and emotions in other ways.

I am no more a slave to slot machine and alcohol today. I can focus in other problem areas now.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

In the beginning, I only journal about the problem that was given by my gambling.
Today, I only journal about the problem that can leads to my gambling.

Today was my off day, I woke up feeling very well rested, my energy was recharged and restored by sleep. I do not have gambling thought but they will return.

My gambling thoughts will return after my long hours at work and lack of sleep. I will normally get them when I was tired and stress.

Journaling gives me a clear picture and help me to see clearly.

If I stop gambling, I will stop getting problem given by gambling.
I only need to deal with the problem that leads to my gambling.

This is living life on life’s term, not my term.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Warning! Danger: Do not enter

In the past, I was a fool; I should not try to enter the forbidden zone. I would like to test whether I am free from my compulsive behavior or whether I have regained my full control over them by picking up the first drink for alcohol, taking the first bite for food, placing the first bet for gambling and many others.

I was testing whether I can stop at will and whether I am free from my addictions.
It was a big mistake; this is how my mind got hook and return to the old ways in the end one day.

These gambling places cannot catch me once I stop coming.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

This jay-walking story makes an excellent story for recovery from addictions.

“Our behaviors was unreasonable; unsound; and hard to understand with respect to the first bet.

It is like the man who likes to jay-walk. This person likes to rush across the road in front of fast-moving vehicles, instead of using the traffic light or zebra crossing.

He has been doing this for years despite warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish person.

Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times. You would expect him, if he were normal, to stop but he is hit again, this time he has a fractured skull.

Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks’ time he breaks both legs.”

“Through the years this behavior continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or not to do it again.

Finally, he can no longer work, and his wife gets a divorce. He tried to stop jaywalking and shut himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways.

Once he recovers and comes out, he races across the road in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back.

Is this man crazy?

But if we substitute gambling for jay-walking, this illustration would fit exactly.

[kin]

In the past, when I was stress, I can be rebellious and disobedient;
I would resist any control or behave in a way that is expected;
I refuse to obey rules to get what I want.

Now I am learning to give up my old familiar ways and learn to have faith and trust in a new way; the truth and a new life.

My life only become more manageable after I force myself not to listen and not to follow everything that my head tells me to do.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I am expecting a flare up of my eczema very soon in the coming weeks as the weather change and trigger my eczema.

I will experience irritation, discomfort and stress. It happens every year.

I have learned to accept and live with my condition. I just let the condition come and go.

I have stop pressing the self-destruct button.

In the past, I used to listen to my feelings. When I feel bad, upset or struggle with stress, I will escape or self-medicate to fix my bad feelings and strong emotions.

I have stop depending on substance like alcohol, and doctor prescribed drug, or behaviour like slot machine, and sport bet to alter my mood. I used the fan and air-con or take shower instead.

I have learned to stay calm and be patient; I am learning not to panic; I have learn to wait for those bad feeling and strong emotions which are like dark clouds to go away.

They say, “this too shall pass.”

There will always be test and trials, temptation and distractions in life.
I just need to stay focus on my recovery today and I do not need to press the self-destruction button.

[kin]

Gambling has made me lose control of my emotions. Gambling has this mood-altering capability; it can made me feel so nervous when I am losing and so happy when I was winning.

Horse racing was for me the most exciting and thrilling. Next was baccarat and sport betting. I could really feel the adrenaline rush. Adrenaline, also known as epinephrine, is a stress hormone.

An adrenaline rush feel like anxiousness, nervousness, or pure excitement as your body and mind are preparing for the result. The short wait for the win or loss result feels like forever. It was the most intense physical feeling of excitement; my heart was beating so hard and fast.

I was attracted to these high-risk situations for the adrenaline rush that accompanies the gambles. If no money was involved, there is no risk of losing and excitement of winning. It becomes so dull and boring.

Today I do not wish to have any roller coaster emotions and stress from gambling.
I prefer simple joy in peace, quiet and calm.
I am really grateful and appreciate each gamble free day.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Sometimes when you are in a dark place, you think you have been buried.
but actually, you have been planted

I could not see any light.
Gambling has wipeout and destroy everything.
Any wish, dream and plan I have, they never come true.
After many years, I stop believing.

One day, I stop using the slot machine in my free time;
I started to have money to contribute to the family every month.

Later, I stop placing bet on sports whenever I am greedy or stress for more money.
Not only can I contribute to the family every month,
I started to have extra money for saving.
It was simply unbelievable for me.

I only wanted to do what a normal functioning person can do
But I failed to do so for many years
So, I could only keep on trying.

As I watch this rebuilding slowly taking place with my own eyes.
I saw a transformation and change.
It has certainly taken a long time before it happens to me.

Grace carried me here
And by grace, I will carry on.
I will always be a work in progress.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[gustav101]

Great to see that you have another day to add to your winning. To me it is far greater to go a day without gambling, than to win a Jackpot you have been stressing and wasting time for. The calmness of the mind is the greatest prize to win

[marcusmaximus]

Hi Kin
Keep up the great work in your recovery.
I really appreciated your post about the Jaywalker story. Thanks for posting that, I can relate to it unfortunately !!
But I am not going to jaywalk/gamble again.

That would be crazy wouldn’t it ???

Best wishes

[kin]

Hi marcus,

Thank you for your kind words.

I am glad that this jay-walking story is helping you as much as it is helping me to stay stop.

Not everyone is bless by this story.
Some people think they are different from the jay-walker
Some people think they are better than the jay-walker

I learnt that I was no difference from the jay-walker and not better than anyone.
I must not stop doing the things that has help the newcomer to stay gamble free on the first day.

1. I need to be honest and not leave any loopholes for me to gamble today.
2. I need to remove any risk and stay away from danger today.
3. I only need to stop gambling today.
4. I need to stick to the plan all the way to the end today.
5. Tomorrow, I do the same.
6. One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Hi gustav,

Thank you for your post.

[kin]

Be Watchful –

Once I become physically and mentally “exhausted and tired” or unwell, it is my weak moments.
I will become vulnerable to temptation and find it really hard to stand firm.
I will lose my awareness and slip into my old familiar “selfish, self-seeking and self-centred” ways.

make a choice: REPENT BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE or RELAPSE

Whenever I feel very strongly a lack of money and wanted more.
I will be heading in the wrong direction to place my first bet.

I lost the mindfulness that warn me it is time to make a U-turn back to the correct path.

Journaling about my thought and feeling help me checked my motive and intention.
Journaling has help me “remember to repent”.
Journaling has help me “stay stop” today.

Every thought to gamble gave me an opportunity to practice repentance.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

1. I need to stick to the plan all the way to the end today
2. I need to be honest – obedient
3. I must not leave any loopholes for me to gamble today.
a) I need to remove any risk today – not giving myself access to excess money
b) I need to stay away from danger today – staying away from places that accept sports bet
c) I only need to stop gambling today – using my free and available time only for sleep
4. Tomorrow, I do the same.
5. One day at a time.

[maverick.]

Kin my very good friend how are you keeping, so good to still see you around and posting, hope this finds you well, always love reading your posts and inspirational shares, take care and speak soon.

Maverick

[kin]

Hi Maverick,

Thank you for your kind words and support.

[kin]

I am writing this post after surviving another challenging day.

I was very vulnerable and weak in my previous two posts. I was in the mental and emotional relapse stage. I was really digging very deep for that last energy “not to do anything else except sleep”.

After 7 hours of sleep, I have recharge and restored my energy now. My mental and emotional well-being has change. I woke up not thinking or planning to place my first sports bet.

I am no better than anyone because I was this close to gambling today. I knew it was wrong to gamble yet I still want to gamble. If I did not change course, I am heading for a gamble.

I knew it was time to do the walk and not the talk. I remember to repent today

I knew it was wrong to gamble. I am heading in the wrong direction and getting closer and closer to placing my first bet.
I make a U-turn back to change my direction; I am going to force myself to sleep.
I knew if I do anything else, I will choose to gamble. I must not do anything else.
It was hard to do the right thing when I cannot think straight.
It was never easy to walk the walk.

My previous posts were a collection of information that I can use in vulnerable times like today.
I simply follow what I need to do to “stick to the plan all the way to the end today.”

I walk away from danger; I went home; watch a movie that I cannot finish online to put me to sleep.

I was feeling so sick at that moment.
I was not sure whether I will still think and feel like gambling after the sleep.

I woke up from my sleep a totally different person.
I have regained the energy to function like a normal person.
I was not thinking of getting money to gamble.

I cannot promise to stay gamble free for life but I can stay gamble free today.
I did not win anything today but the sense of security, safety, peace, happiness and freedom that I received was priceless.

I am grateful to be gamble free today. It did not come easy.

I will always be a work in progress and under construction.

[kin]

I am grateful for the sleep I get today.
It is 6 am here as I do my self-reflection over a cup of hot coffee.
Today is the start of a few working days before I get the next break.

When I was mentally and physically tired and exhausted,
I find it real hard to be patient and tolerant to manage all those anxious, nervous, worried, stressful, unsatisfied feeling.

In difficult times, it was tough, it was like having strong temptation in the hot and dry desert.
Obviously, I have lost my focus and sanity.

I have turned my back from the Lord, I forget that “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want” in Psalm 23 until I repent.

I was tempted and attracted to the instant and immediate reward, and the satisfaction that gambling is offering me.

In my good times, it was easy for me to be faithful and trust.
In difficult times, it was tough and a real test for me to be faithful and trust fully.

I hope that I would not forget today lesson.
I have become lazy compare to my first gamble free day.

I realized that I was turning to YouTube and tiktok video every day.
I have stop reading the Bible and listening to songs.

Dear God, I am a sinner, please forgive me.
I pray for your mercy and grace.
In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Today I focus on the problem that has cause me to gamble.

What is one of the most important lesson I learn?

I am no difference from the others and not better than anyone;
I must not stop doing the things that has help me stay gamble free on my first day.

If I have stop working at the beginning of the river;
if I have stop doing all the things that has help me to stay gamble free in the beginning.
It is only natural for the same problem to occur at the river end one day – since nothing has change.

It is very risky that the same problem may return or re appear in the end – one day.
This serve as a warning – “not to stop doing the things that help me stay gamble free on my first gamble free day.”

I am always a work in progress and under construction.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Today I focus on the problem that has cause me to gamble.

If I think that I am not greedy, then I should really consider whether I still enjoy doing those activity if there were no real money involved.

I would not be interested in the slot machine, casino table card game, roulette, lottery and horse racing if no real money was involved.

But I still loves watching sports for its entertainment if no real money is involved but there is no more enjoyment and entertainment for me once I become tired. I will not be interested.

However, when real money was involved, I can gamble on sports for many hours even when I am tired. “The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil” due to greed.

How many times have I gamble after I experience financial hardship and job insecurity, relationship and family problem, dissatisfaction and discontentment with my life and greed for more money.

I have actually gamble to find escape and relief from the real world; escape from the painful reality that I am broke, insecure, lonely, and miserable.

Sport punting gave me false hope of success, happy feeling and quick fix to settle financial tight spots.

Today I do not want to live in denial. It was true and I never forget that I have make many winning bets but I still lost all the money in the end; it was also true I have lost more money than I win in sports.

Now I have begun to stop listening and following what my head tells me to do but I still need to be watchful – Once I cannot find the strength to resist, I will not be able to stop myself from doing something I should not be doing. I need to be stronger than my strongest excuse.

The physical barriers have stop me from gambling at the moment. It has not stopped the intention, motive and plan to gamble in my mind.

I have stop slot machine and alcohol successfully. If quitting sports punting is exactly the same, I would need to stay stop for a longer period of time before I can achieve the same.

I am still a work in progress and under construction.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Today I focus on the problem that has cause me to gamble.

Stress is a sign that I have lost the present moment.
I can choose to re-enter the present moment.

Part of living in the present moment is taking the time to be grateful for what I have now (not in the past or future).

If I am constantly focused on the things that I do not have, then I am not taking the time to appreciate what I have right now at this moment.

I asked myself a question:
if today is my last day alive,
is sports betting that important to me?

It is definitely not important; it is really a waste of time and money.
I will not gamble on sports today

• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[gustav101]

Thank you kin, I love this message and it relates to me, as I also want to live in the moment and not waste the money I work so hard for.

[kin]

I focus on the problem that has cause me to gamble.

I received my salary today.

1. What has change?

My priority has change; many things has come first and become more important than my gambling.

2. What have I learnt? Charles from GT was always telling me.

I need to be honest to myself. I must not leave any loopholes for me to gamble.

3. What did I do?

First thing first, I have made my monthly contribution to the family; paid all my bill and commitment for the month; handover my excess money to someone for safekeeping. Last thing on the list was leaving enough money for me to function properly daily.

I am not going to set myself up to fail in the month of March by holding on to this sum of money.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I focus on the problem that has cause me to gamble

I stop trying to explain myself to people after trying to get an understanding from them that never came.
I start to turn to other recovery people who do not need me to explain why I was behaving this way and start healing.

I needed support and help from a village of recovery people.
They help me when I fall and help me to bounce back
They help me to stay stop today.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I focus on the problem that has cause me to gamble

Today I remind myself to:

1. shower more to cool down from the heat.
2. sleep first after a long day at work; I must not choose to do other things.

Both exhaustion or tiredness from work and hotter weather can stress me
Stress can trigger gambling thought inside me.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[gustav101]

Very good observations made kin, will keep this in mind. Thank you

[marcusmaximus]

Hi Kin
You mentioned being work in progress and under construction.
Yes, I am too.
We can use the experiences of being involved in gambling to fully experience living and developing ourselves.
When we gamble we are consumed!
Imagine being free???
Best wishes

[kin]

Hi gustav,

Thank you for your post.

When we are in recovery, we need all the support we can get.
We need to connect to a community of recovery people who help one another to stay safe.

Sobriety takes a village. Without support, we risk the painful reality of a relapse.
Striking out on our own can send us down the road to relapse.

Having a good support and accountability system increases our chances.
It takes a village to help us recover.

[kin]

Hi marcus,

Thank you for your post.

You have help me to remember that staying gamble free gives me the freedom to do whatever I like but I need to be extra cautious and careful.

-freedom to do whatever I like does not include compulsive eating, drinking, gambling, sex and drug.

-freedom to do whatever I like does not include giving up doing the things that has help me to stay stop in gambling.

Be kind and humble always.

[kin]

I focus on the problem that has cause me to gamble.

Overthinking involves thinking about a certain thing or situation excessively, analyzing it for long periods of time. When you overthink, you have a hard time getting your mind to focus on anything else. Overthinking becomes consumed by the one thing you are thinking about. It is a big distraction and disruption to daily living.

Overthinking can be a hard habit to break.

1. Change the way you talk to yourself
Over thinkers always say negative things to themselves.

2. Let go of the past
– Over thinkers keep thinking “I should have done this” “I should not have done that.”
– You cannot change the past.

3. Live in the present moment.
– Learn the lessons from your past and make sure you do not repeat the same mistake again.
– Overthinkers find it hard to live in the present moment. Past or future is always on their mind
– focus on the current moment

4. Challenge your thoughts
– Over thinkers get lost in their thoughts, it need not always be past or future.
– if you find a thought that is unwanted passing by inside your head, immediately write it down in your journal and get it out of your system.

5. Focus on what you can control
– Over thinkers always worry about the things that is not in their control.
– Focus on the positive things you can do.
– Take one small baby step forward at a time.
– Seek progress, not perfection.
– Take one day at a time.

6. Identify Your fears
– Over thinkers have irrational fears; they are not logical and not reasonable.
– you tend to suffer from imagination of “what if” than in reality.
– Take action! The moment you take action is the moment you win a battle with your overthinking.

7. Write down solutions
– Over thinkers keep thinking only of their problems
– Divert your thinking towards the solutions.
– Write down the problems and the solution for each problem in your journal.
– This way, your brain shifts its attention towards the solution.

• This reply was modified 7 months ago by kin.

[marcusmaximus]

Hi Kin
I really like your post on overthinking. I am definitely an overthinker!!
I need to bear those points in mind in order to cope more effectively with what life throws at you.
Learn my lessons and don’t keep making the same mistakes for sure !!
Many thanks for posting. Onwards and upwards, one day at a time. Best wishes.

[kin]

Hi marcus,

Thank you for your good words.

I am just glad that you find the post is helping you as much as it is helping me.

[kin]

Today I spend half a day at the recovery drop-in center in Singapore.

I am not going to set up myself to fail in my recovery
when I shared with newcomers’ face to face.

I needed to be reminded that I am an expert at creating my problem;
I am good at hurting myself and harming others with my gambling.
I am not better than another person.
There is nothing for me to be proud.
I should be ashamed of my embarrassing, irresponsible, unremorseful and wrongful deeds.

Pride goes before destruction.

For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” Luke 14:11.

Dear God, I am a sinner,
please forgive me,
please have mercy on me,
I pray in Jesus’s name,
Amen!

[kin]

I must not stop doing all the things that has help me to stay gamble free on my first day.

1. I need to be honest and not leave any loopholes for me to gamble today.
2. I need to remove any risk and stay away from danger today.
3. I only need to stop gambling today.
4. I need to stick to the plan all the way to the end today.
5. Tomorrow, I do the same.
6. One day at a time.

Learning to stay focus only on today has help me to stick to the plan
I may not be able to stick to the plan all the way to the end in this lifetime
I definitely can stick to the plan all the way to the end today.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Gratitude is the medicine for my discontentment and complacency in my recovery today.
If I did not want to lose my job, I need to work hard to protect my job today.
If I did not want to lose my money, I need to protect my money today.
If I did not want to relapse, I need to protect my recovery today.

[kin]

back to basic!

[kin]

I do not hate myself
I do not hate a sick person trying to get well.

[kin]

I have been quiet for a few days for various reasons.

I manage to motivate myself to start doing something I was afraid of doing.
I am not fasting from gambling, alcohol and sex, but I tried fasting from food.
I encourage myself not to have any unrealistic expectation and just do whatever I can.
I quit on the fifth day when I struggle to stay awake on the job during the fast.
My eyes has closed and my phone drop out of my hand more than once.
It really require a lot more effort from me to be able to work and fast at the same time.

I was reading jvr3419 post and it inspired me to work on my unresolve issues.
It got something to do with the step work.
As I peeled the outer layer of the onion skin, I uncover something big inside.
I found my biggest character defect / flaw / enemy inside. It was my ego.

It took me a few days to prepare before I could make my first post.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Character is defined as the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual. Character refers to our individual beliefs and values—both of which shape our personalities. Our life experiences also shape our characters and reveal our important and basic qualities and morals.

Personality refers to our thinking, feeling and behaviors. Our personality shapes our character and interpersonal interactions often help us realize someone’s personality traits.

According to Sigmund Freud, human personality is composed of three elements known as the id, the ego, and the superego. These elements work together to create complex human behaviors.

[kin]

An ego is a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.

“Ego” is the “I”, “me”” myself” part of any person that form the identity and personality.

Having a healthy ego means we can maintain a healthy sense of self, but an imbalance can lead to problems, including excessive self-centeredness.

The “it’s all about me, I, myself” approach comes from the ego, and this thinking distorts failures and successes. With success, ego can blind us to our faults and sow future problems. In failure, ego magnifies each blow and makes recovery more difficult. The ego created a personal identity and a fixed mindset making us resistant to change and new ideas. We become stuck in our ways; limited in our ability to learn and adapt to new situations.

Most people think of the ego as the way we view ourselves and our relationships with others.

Research has shown that the ego can be held responsible for many negative human traits including but not limited to:

-criticizing and judging others,
-acting manipulative; the desire to enjoy at the expense of others; to think and act at the expense of others.
-being inflexible and rigid,
-having severe mood swings,
-possessing a constant need for praise and approval,
-need to feel superior to everyone around; dominating conversations; stopping others from expressing their ideas; stopping others from expressing their ideas; rewarding those who support them (and perhaps punishing those who don’t); bullying, or trying to exert power they don’t really have; constantly talking about themselves and their achievements; ignoring or dismissing the opinions and feelings of others; belittling or putting down others to make themselves feel superior,
-feeling fearful, anxious, being uncooperative,
-taking things too seriously,
-taking offense easily,
-constantly worrying over little things,
-feeling resentful towards others,
-inability to live in the present moments,
-feelings of hopelessness and despair
-the need for power and control; how we use, hurt and harm people,
-being unwilling to take responsibility for their actions and blaming others instead
-disregarding rules and social norms for their own benefit
-being competitive and obsessed with winning or being the best

Such negative traits have very serious consequences and can easily make any person’s life a misery. This can cause the person to seek an escape, quick fix, relief and addiction to mind altering substances and behaviour to take away or lessen the unpleasant feeling.

Everyone has some degree of ego and self-interest; it is not always a negative trait. However, when someone consistently prioritizes their own needs and desires over others, and shows a lack of empathy and consideration for those around them, it can be an unhealthy sign.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I did not have a good upbringing, it is not my parent fault.
We were poor and my mother was lowly educated.

Those days, it was always not enough and mum was always trying to make ends meet every month
She works extremely hard to feed and bring up her children.
She is a good mother, she did what she can with what little she had.

My father has more than one wife. He is not home all the times.
He drink and gamble. In his last days, he lost all his money.
I remember he need to borrow to pay for my youngest brother education.

I was given this embarrassing and shameful duty against my will to travel a long distance to collect this borrowing from people that I was meeting for the first time one evening, I was afraid and angry.

The poor neighborhood that I grew up did not provide me the environment and opportunity to pick up the skill I need in adulthood. I was not tough or smart enough. I have never talk about all these things before.

Working my character defect in the step work and journaling has given me the opportunity to release all these negative energy.

Repent before it is too late.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I was at the drop in center yesterday.
I watched and notice my thinking, feeling and behaviors.

When I speak to a counsellor who is helpful and encouraging
I can feel that the person is helping me because the person want to help me.

When I meet a manipulative counsellor
I can feel that the person is helping me because the person is doing his job.
Sometime it feel like the person is showing off, pretending and not sincere.

[kin]

I focus on the problem that has cause me to gamble.

An ego is a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.

“Ego” is the “I”, “me”” myself” part of any person that form the identity and personality.

Having a healthy ego means we can maintain a healthy sense of self, but an imbalance can lead to problems, including excessive self-centeredness.

The “it’s all about me, I, myself” approach comes from the ego, and this thinking distorts failures and successes.
With success, ego can blind us to our faults and sow future problems.
In failure, ego magnifies each blow and makes recovery more difficult.

The ego created a personal identity and a fixed mindset making us resistant to change and new ideas. We become stuck in our ways; limited in our ability to learn and adapt to new situations.

Most people think of the ego as the way we view ourselves and our relationships with others.

Research has shown that the ego can be held responsible for many negative human traits including but not limited to:

-criticizing and judging others,
-acting manipulative; the desire to enjoy at the expense of others; to think and act at the expense of others.
-being inflexible and rigid,
-having severe mood swings,
-possessing a constant need for praise and approval,
-need to feel superior to everyone around; dominating conversations; stopping others from expressing their ideas; rewarding those who support them (and punishing those who don’t); bullying, or trying to exert power they don’t really have; constantly talking about themselves and their achievements; ignoring or dismissing the opinions and feelings of others; belittling or putting down others to make themselves feel superior,
-feeling fearful, anxious, being uncooperative,
-taking things too seriously,
-taking offense easily,
-constantly worrying over little things,
-feeling resentful towards others,
-inability to live in the present moments,
-feelings of hopelessness and despair
-the need for power and control; how we use, hurt and harm people,
-being unwilling to take responsibility for their actions and blaming others instead
-disregarding rules and social norms for their own benefit
-being competitive and obsessed with winning or being the best

Such negative traits have very serious consequences and can easily make any person’s life a misery. They can cause the person to seek an escape, quick fix, relief and addiction to mind altering substances and behaviour to take away or lessen the unpleasant feeling.

Everyone has some degree of ego and self-interest; it is not always a negative trait.

However, when someone consistently prioritizes their own needs and desires over others, and shows a lack of empathy and consideration for those around them, it can be an unhealthy sign.

[kin]

Pain makes people change.

[kin]

I focus on the problem that has cause me to gamble.

An ego is a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.

“Ego” is the “I”, “me”” myself” part of any person that form the identity and personality.

Having a healthy ego means we can maintain a healthy sense of self, but an imbalance can lead to problems, including excessive self-centeredness.

The “it’s all about me, I, myself” approach comes from the ego, and this thinking distorts failures and successes.

With success, ego can blind us to our faults and sow future problems.
In failure, ego magnifies each blow and makes recovery more difficult.

The ego created a personal identity and a fixed mindset making us resistant to change and new ideas. We become stuck in our ways; limited in our ability to learn and adapt to new situations.

Most people think of the ego as the way we view ourselves and our relationships with others.

Research has shown that the ego can be held responsible for many negative human traits including but not limited to:

1. criticizing and judging others;
2. acting manipulative;
3. desire to enjoy at the expense of others;
4. think and act at the expense of others;
5. being inflexible and rigid;
6. having severe mood swings;
7. possessing a constant need for praise and approval;
8. need to feel superior to everyone around;
9. dominating conversations;
10. stopping others from expressing their ideas;
11. rewarding those who support them and punishing those who don’t;
12. bullying, or trying to exert power they don’t really have;
13. constantly talking about themselves and their achievements;
14. ignoring or dismissing the opinions and feelings of others;
15. belittling or putting down others to make themselves feel superior;
16. feeling fearful, anxious;
17. being uncooperative;
18. taking things too seriously;
19. taking offense easily;
20. constantly worrying over little things;
21. feeling resentful towards others;
22. inability to live in the present moments;
23. feelings of hopelessness and despair;
24. the need for power and control;
25. use, hurt and harm people;
26. being unwilling to take responsibility for their actions and blaming others instead;
27. disregarding rules and social norms for their own benefit;
28. being competitive and obsessed with winning or being the best

Such negative traits have very serious consequences and can easily make any person’s life a misery. This misery can cause a person to find an escape, quick fix, and addiction to mind altering substances and behaviours to take away or lessen the unpleasant feeling.

Everyone has some degree of ego and self-interest; it is not always a negative trait. However, when someone consistently prioritizes their own needs and desires over others, and shows a lack of empathy and consideration for those around them, it can be an unhealthy sign.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Today I realize that my blood pressure was always very high on the day I visit the recovery drop in center.
I only found that out after I have kept a daily record of my high blood pressure measurements recently.

I do not have perfect health. Sometimes I maybe stressed by my eczema, chest pain and breathlessness, intestinal bleeding, high blood pressure. I also suffered from impulse control disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder.

I do not know I was unwell, but the staff there have noticed redness on my face or eyes;
I only knew that I feel different on that day compare to other day;
I thought it was just another harmless and normal day.

When I cannot sleep and have some free time; I would like to do something I like;
I choose to go to a recovery drop in center.
This is a habit much like my journaling, it did not come overnight.
It was something I pick up since month August year 2005.
Now I can imagine how that has helped me over the years.

If I did not decide to go to a recovery drop-in center;
I could be at risk of self-destructive behavior with all my free time;
I could have ended up in some places doing something that was not helping and harmful to me.

[kin]

I was peeling the outer layer of the onion skin to find out what was the problem underneath.
I found my unhealthy ego deep inside; this is my character; my personality; my identity.
This is “me, I, myself” that has cause to me act out in evil, sinful, selfish wrongdoings.

I wanted to post something about my ego on my journal since 1 March 2024.
It must be simple enough to understand and help me
I have search online to find the right words
I have amended and fine tune my post a few times
It was one of the most difficult post on my character defect while making a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves in step 4 of AA.
I was blinded by this big problem and it has laid hidden inside me for all my adulthood; it is finally in the open now.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Some things never change; our thoughts, feelings, emotions, and moods are constantly changing all the times but the truth never change.

If you have a change of heart, you change your opinion or the way you feel about something or someone. If you change your mind, or if someone or something changes your mind, you change a decision you have made.

The person who says one thing and do another is a liar.
This is like “me, I, myself” saying “I am not going to gamble; I have given up on gambling and I place a bet.”

Am I going to follow my thoughts, feelings, emotions, or moods that changes all the times or follow the truth that never change?

1. I need to be honest and not leave any loopholes for me to gamble today.
2. I need to remove any risk and stay away from danger today.
3. I only need to stop gambling today.
4. I need to stick to the plan all the way to the end today.
5. Tomorrow, I do the same.
6. One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I cannot follow my thought because I wake up thinking about gambling. I was looking for an opportunity to gamble.

My thought changes every day; one moment I want to stay gamble free, the next moment I want to gamble.

The person who lies all the times say one thing and do another.

I need to find and follow a Higher Power to help me stay gamble free, and this Higher Power is not me.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I can stay gamble free during good times
but I need to stay gamble free during weak and vulnerable moments too.

To remain and stay the same;
To stop and stay stop;
I really need to stay focus on today, not on the future or the past.

1. I need to be honest with myself; I must not leave any loopholes for me to gamble today.
2. I must remove any risk and stay away from danger today.
3. I only need to stop gambling today.
4. I must stick to the plan all the way to the end today.
5. Tomorrow, I do the same.
6. One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[Don14765]

Hello, Kin….
Yes- it’s when we are weak and vulnerable
That we need to be extra vigilant
And be even more determined
To stay sober -good point!

Thanks for your reply in another post ..
An old sponsor I had once said “
There will be change with pain”

I have to decide whether I want to change (pain)
Or stay the same (usual pain)

[kin]

Gratitude is the medicine for any discontentment and complacency in my recovery today.

If I did not want to lose my job, I need to work hard today, I need to protect my job.
If I did not want to relapse, I need to protect my recovery today.
If I did not want to lose my money, I need to protect my money today.

[kin]

The weather is switching from the cooler months of December, January and February to the hotter months now. I am very poor and slow to adapt to these changes in the past, I am more mindful and aware now.

My eczema makes me more sensitive to the heat and stress. I used to react to the stress, frustration, irritability and discomfort automatically; I would be on auto pilot mode. The price I pay for the relapse was costly and the consequences is heavy.

Today I have moved from trying to fix my gambling problem to trying to fix the problem that cause me to gamble.
I have moved from trying to fix my problem at the end of the river to the beginning of the river.

I need to use the air-condition and fans more, and also shower more to keep myself clean and cool
I need to deal with the heat instead of drinking and gambling.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

To whom it may concern:

Don’t lose heart!

The Stonecutter may strike a rock 99 times with no apparent effect. Yet with the 100th blow, the rock splits in two.

That doesn’t mean that the first stroke is useless.
Success is the result of continuous efforts.
It was not the final blow that did the trick but all that had gone before.

This is so true with recovery!

Just because you lost a battle does not mean you lost a war.
You may have to fight the battle more than once to win the war.
Sometimes by losing a battle, you find a new way to win the war.

You will find a way; you can do it
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying
Never give up on yourself
It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.

Victory is sweetest when you have known defeat.

[kin]

Today I am very grateful and thankful that I was not getting stressed, frustrated, disappointed and broken by not gambling. They are the reasons that has cause me to gamble previously.

Count my blessing

1. I am very grateful that I do not have stress from the daily gamble. I do not have to worry about missing a gamble.
2. I am very grateful that I do not have stress from finding more money to gamble. I do not have to borrow to gamble.
3. I am very grateful that I am not stress from disappointment, frustration, anger and fear after losing a bet.
4. I am very grateful that I do not have stress, worry and fear from more gambling debts.
5. I am very grateful that I did not lose my self-control today. I suffer from poor impulse and emotion control.
6. I am very grateful that I do not get stress from chasing gambling loss.
7. I am very grateful that I was not stress by inability to sleep due to restlessness and hyperactive gambling mind.
8. I am very grateful that gambling is not controlling my life today.
9. The money, and time that was not rob, stolen and taken away by gambling can now be wisely spend in areas loving others and myself.
10. I am very grateful that life was restored back to normal, and I start to have savings.

[kin]

I was no different from anyone.
My heart is heavy putting together this painful post.

Why not just stop gambling?

It is not so straight forward for many like me.
Telling us to use willpower to stop gambling is like telling us to use willpower to stop diarrhea.
Many do not understand the terrible feeling we had when we are not gambling.
We suffered from craving and urge that was so hard to control and resist.
We are so desperate to stop, yet we are repeating these destructive patterns.
So it is not just about stopping; it is about addressing the mental distress that leads to our first bet.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Just for Today

The principle of selflessness:
I was more selfish today compare to other days.
I was more preoccupied with my own interest
I was paying more attention to what I want to do
I want to gamble.

Selflessness is the quality of caring more about what other people need and want more than what I need and want.

The principle of honesty and integrity in recovery:
I need to be honest to myself, I must not have any loopholes in my recovery that allow me to gamble.
That happens when I hold on to excess cash or when I do not walk away from danger; places that accept betting.

The principle of willingness
Placing interest before self; principle before personalities reminds us to focus on the common purpose of recovery and the principle of willingness; I had to become willing to surrender what I want to do or gambling.

“There is a huge difference between wanting to change and being willing to change.
Almost everyone wants to change for the better. Very few are willing to take the steps necessary to create that change. ”

Self-Care

I was rescue and saved by my willingness to sleep and keeping myself clean and cool in the hot weather today.

I was exhausted and fatigue after long hours at work.
The longer I delay sleeping; the longer I stay awake;
the more tired I become; the more likely I will gamble.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

When I was active in addiction, I was very selfish, self-centered and self-seeking. Everything revolves around me.
I could not fully understand how people stay abstinence because I was still the center of the universe.

Just like the father or mother who choose to give up what they like so that their children can have when they want.
They practice the principle of selflessness.

I am learning how they choose to stay abstinence for something bigger than them; self is no more the center of the universe.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Some days was harder than others; I survived and stay gamble free two days ago.
Yesterday and today I do not have to deal with any of the intense attack that I felt 2 days ago.

I was very selfish on that day; it was my off day; I had some money; betting house are like 7-11 outlets everywhere; it was a hot day.

Everyday I had some money and the betting house are always there; the external trigger was not strong.
Everything was the same except the heat that I dislike.
The strong urge to place a bet comes from an internal trigger on this day.
I was more selfish and paying more attention to my feeling, emotion and desire.

When all else did not work for me on this day, I can really felt the power of selflessness helping me to stay gamble free.
My reason to stay gamble free was different on this day; I could not find this strength in the past; it was a newfound strength.

Self is no more the center of the universe.
Repent before it is too late.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I accept that I am fasting from gambling and I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay gamble free today and I admit that I have not been truthful and honest after I receive some funds two days ago.

I question myself today.

Why did I want to hold on to excess cash that I do not need for my daily expenses for the past two days? This way I have intentionally leave loophole in my recovery so that I can gamble anytime I want.

Although no one knows about this, I must be honest to myself. Whatever excuses that I have to hold on to this cash is a lie.

“Repent before it is too late”

I better hand over this money to another person today. I am not going to risk gambling with this money for one more day.

I only need to stay gamble free today.
Tomorrow, I do the same
One day at a time.

[kin]

Today is Friday and this is what happen to me in the last 6 days; I had one difficult day and five good days.

There are good days and bad days, I need to survive the difficult days when the bad day comes. Last Sunday was one such day, I suffered from intense attacks and urges to gamble; I was feeling weak and vulnerable.

I only need to stay gamble free on this difficult day and the next few days from Monday to Friday was a lot easier for me.

[kin]

It was an experience, 6 days has passed, today is Saturday, I will still choose to stay gamble free.
I have no regret not gambling last Sunday.

I am not taking any risk and chance.
I have handed over my excess cash to another person to safekeep for me.
I have reduce the available cash on me.
Situation has return to normal.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I need to build up more positive experiences and memories from not gambling.
It is time to let the light in to take over the darkness in my life.
It is time for healing and recovery at this stage.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

If you are like me.

This place allows me to connect with another recovering person like me, who can relate to what I am going through.

Reading their stories offer me strength, courage, comfort, and hope to carry on this lifetime journey.
Some reminded me what my life was like in the past;
some shows me what life will be like in the future.
It takes a village of recovering person to help me heal and recover.

Sobriety takes a village. Without their support, I may encounter loneliness, a hazard for relapse.
It’s not uncommon for individuals recovering from problem gambling to feel alone and isolated.

We all need support from one another in this community of recovering people.

[kin]

I receive 3 unexpected bills this month on top of an renovation related bill for upgrading work at home next month. One for mobile service, one for banking service, one for anti-virus software. Add them all up, it was a worrying sum for me this month.

I feel uncomfortable with these additional expenses, it has reduced my planned saving and increase my expenses for this month.

When things did not turn out according my plan, it can threaten my sobriety, it would take more effort for me to stay clean and sober. I am just glad that I have remain gamble free.

I am grateful to have function like a normal person. It has not trigger off my impulsive control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety and panic attacks or gambling.

Yesterday I manage to talk to the telecommunication company and bank about these unexpected bills and both agreed to waive off their charges. I was happy with the outcome.

I came across this saying that I like recently:

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.”

~ Robert Louis Stevenson, author of the book “The strange case of Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”

• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.”

I need to be reminded that I need to stick to the plan all the way to the end today.

May God’s will be done, not mine.

[kin]

The Rootless Tree

God created all things visible and invisible
Like the visible tree and its invisible root.

If the person is free from self-destructive behavior
but not deep rooted with spiritual principles.
Any strong winds will uproot the tree
Just like the person is waiting for some good or bad news to happen
He/she will lose his/her sobriety.

The person can stop gambling;
Everyday living problems is not going to stop

The easy part is stopping;
The difficult part is staying stop.

They say the solution is a spiritual one.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

It was very tempting to do other things today.
It is something I enjoy doing but I cannot afford the heavy consequences and costly price.

I need to be discipline and obedience today.
I have just finished my long working hours, I must take a shower and go to sleep.
I need to recharge and restore my energy.

[kin]

I am mindful that anything can change suddenly, they can be uncertain, unpredictable and unexpected.

I may lose the comfort zone and security that I have been enjoying for more than a year at work. There is rumor of change but it is not confirmed yet. I need to accept my situation if it is true. I do not have a solution for the coming change.

The worry and fear I feel may not come true. I need to be prepared mentally and accept my new problem without the gambling. Gambling is not a solution to my problem.

This is the new me.

[kin]

Freedom let me do whatever I want whenever I want.
Even though I am free to do anything; freedom let me choose not to do certain things.

Freedom does not mean I can do anything I want, they can land me in hospital, jail, homeless or death.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Mindfulness is the practice of gently focusing your awareness on the present moment over and over again.
Mindfulness helps someone who likes to worry, fear, get anxious thinking about the past and the future.

Some examples of mindfulness exercise are mindfulness meditation, mindfulness breathing, mindfulness drawing, mindfulness writing, mindfulness reading. Journaling is one of them.

[kin]

Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in, I am lost, I am hopeless.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I dun see it, I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I can see it is there, I still fall in, it is a habit.
I know where I am. It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Dear diary,

I have a slip and place my first bet on 31st March 2024, it is a habit.
Compulsive gambling is a progressive illness.
I have started gambling and if I continue gambling,
it will lead to compulsive behavior and soon I will be out of control.
I need to stop. I need to repent before it is too late.

Win/lose in my first bet, I find myself unable to resist the next bet.
I do not wish to chase winning or losing until I lose my self-control completely.
If I stay gamble free for the next 24 hours, it will be my first gamble free day.

I do not have to start all over again, I do not lose my experience, knowledge and recovery.
I accept what has happen. I shall move on with life.

My life has improve when I stayed gamble free.
Gambling is a lie. I am not going to believe this lie and false hope.
I get out immediately.

Every slip and relapse is a lesson and learning opportunity.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I seem to gamble around the same time of the year after months of gamble free days.
It was like drinking ice cold beer on a hot day.
It was a choice and a habit. It is definitely a bad choice and unhealthy habit.

In the past, once I start my gambling, I will not stop until I hit rock bottom.
Now I have a chance to repent; I stop my gambling; I walk away from gambling;

I have lost my focus in recovery; I have drifted away from my goal and direction.
I took the opportunity to refocus and stop my gambling today.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Did I regret my decision to place the first bet? Yes

After placing my all or nothing bet, I really regretted not doing what I have been doing to stay gamble free.
I was looking at a big loss and more debt – it made me feels very stupid, willful and self-centered.
I should have know what will happen in the end.

I was lucky this time. I escape without damage.

My barriers work on most days but not all the day.
I have ask someone to safekeep my saving for me and I cannot use them for gambling.
I carry bank card with me incase I encounter unexpected need to use money;
it was this bank facility that I use to get money to gamble and they charge a pretty high interest.
When I wanted to gamble, I did not care about the high interest.
It was a dangerous act, it was a very high risk gamble.

I can feel myself losing my self-control.
I could have lose my self-control completely if I had carry on gambling.

Repent before it is too late.
The heavy consequences and costly price is not worth it.
After I place my first bet, next bet and last bet, I really think that I have made a very bad decision.
I made a big mistake when I did not practice staying away from danger
It was my rest day, I did not stay away from places that accept my bet and I have borrowed to gamble;
I did all the wrong things otherwise the first bet will not occur.

[Don14765]

Hi Kin- thanks for your share..
In it; you mention it was your rest day …

My gambling counselor(I need lots of help !)
Suggests to keep busy
Denying/distracting with hobbies, being with people ….denying that first thought…
Not acting
On the impulse to gamble….

I feel we are always vulnerable at some point in our journey… one day wake up, feeling depressed, lonely, angry.. etc…

Those are the days we need more than 100%
Effort…keeping busy, thinking other thoughts, etc.

Also- my counselor says gambling
Is like a revolving door…chasing a win or a loss…
If I win a bet…
I wanna win again……
If I lose….
Wanna keep playing until I win again!
It’s a vicious circle…

I send you this message to help you (and me!)
Get on track/ start the gamble free process:)

[kin]

Hi Don,

Many thanks for this post.

I appreciate your support and help.

[marcusmaximus]

Hi Kin
Hope you are doing ok buddy?
I think we have to see any relapse as part of the “journey”.
We have to try and learn from it, dust ourselves off and keep trying to quit.
I do believe that if we really want it enough that we can stop.
Best wishes, keep going, one day at a time.

[kin]

Hi marcus,

Many thanks for this post.

I really appreciate your sharing.

[kin]

My first post after my first bet. It was written a few days ago.

I looked back at my stupid and foolish decision after I return to my old reckless, impulsive, not sensible ways and behaviors. They can only lead to darkness and hopelessness in the end one day.

If I have continued on gambling, I will end up losing all my money – all the winnings; all my savings in addition to new debts that I may have borrowed to chase losses.

I shall wake up to the reality of gambling and face the costly price and heavy consequences or damage of my mistake. It will be another rock bottom.

Repent before it is too late.

I am telling myself to stop and stay stop.
I am telling myself to get out and stay away from danger immediately.

After you win, you want to win more; I would have to battle my greediness; that is why it was easy to stop but difficult to stay stop until you lost everything

I may have a grandiose and unrealistic plan, I may hope to do something beautiful with the money. But unfortunately they always never come true. This is the truth.

I cannot find any explanation. When I work hard, I could use all my money on my family. It was a responsible and selfless act of love for others.

But when I was active gambling, I may be handling more money but I did not want to use these money on my family. Why? This is just so ugly. It shows how irresponsible and selfish I can become after I gamble.

I have become so self-centered, self-seeking and greedy, that loving and caring for others is no longer my top priority.

I only care about what I want to do; I only wish to continue gambling with the money and hope to win some more.

Like the Jekyll and Hyde story, gambling has turn me into an evil and selfish demon.

In reality, this is the beginning and starting.
The common ending for this kind of story is usually a terrible, dark and tragic one.

Gambling has come to rob, steal and destroy. Those gambling businesses are very deceiving.
They are very sure as long as we return to gamble, we will lose back everything we win and more in the end.

Win/lose: I lost in the end.
Gambling makes me sick and unwell.
This is the truth.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 months ago by kin.

[kin]

What was my first 24 hours after placing the first bet like?

I have difficulty sleeping despite putting in effort and trying hard. My brain is wide awake. I tried lying down on the bed for a long time, I wanted to recharge and restore my energy with sleep but I could not.

When it was time, I went to work and by the time I finish work and came home, I have not slept for more than 24 hours.

This would not have happened if I did not place the first bet.
I regretted placing my first bet regardless of the result.

Because once I start, I will feel uneasy when I had to stop and stay stop.
It was like something inside my brain change.

I took a moment to stare into the air, instead of feeling peace and calm, my head feel heavy like a hangover.

My second 24 hours, I slept like a baby and woke up feeling very normal.

I can feel peace, calm, joy, excitement, happiness, gratitude and contentment again but in my first 24 hours after the first bet, I could not feel them.

[kin]

my post for today.

What does it feel like when my heart wants to do something?
My heart, driven by emotions, instincts, and desires pulls me in one direction.

What does it feel like when my mind wants to do something?
My mind, guided by logic, reasoning, and analysis, urges me to go in another direction.

What do you mean when your heart want to gamble and your mind want to stop gambling?
Cognitive dissonance occurs when two conflicting thoughts are present in the mind at the same time and both thoughts lead to indecision.
For example, your “heart” might say you want to gamble but your “mind” says you cannot gamble. There is a tug-of-war between emotions and thoughts.

Who will win?
The heart or the mind?

In the Wolf Parable
An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them,” A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight
and it is between two wolves.
One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.
The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.”
They thought about it for a minute
and then one child asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”
The old Grandpa simply replied, “The one you feed.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I have heard some news recently. They are not confirmed yet.

The client may not be renewing the contract for the service that my company is providing. I have enjoyed 15 months of stable work, income and comfort in this place. I was able to provide for the family, paid all my bills on time, have some saving every month. It was nice and wish this never end.

I was concern that a different and new working place may not be suitable. I was a little worried that if I change job, my income may be lesser than what I am getting now and may not be able to do everything that I am doing now.

I have work continuously for 15 months on this job, I was afraid and fear that this will come to an end.
These negative emotions have grown stronger recently
plus the recent hotter weather and heat is not helping and making things tougher for me.

Life can throw curve balls at me in life.
Everything is fine for me now.
I just have to work harder to stay focus on today.
I only need to stop gambling today.

I need to put in effort not to worry, fear and be anxious unnecessary with the unknown future.

It is so important to focus on living today. Living in the moment, not in the past or future.

It is so important for me to continue doing what I have been doing to help me stay gamble free.
Once I stop practicing them, the risk and danger returns.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by kin.

[jvr3419]

Hi Kin I feel for you with what you just experienced. I no how hard it is to feel that defeat giving in to our addictive tendencies. But just no your not alone in this struggle. We can get up and try again that’s the best part. You wrote on my feed about having to process something regarding what I mentioned about what causes a dry drunk episode. Is there anything I can help explain to make it easier to process? Or is there some form of support that we fellow Gambling addicts can help you with to smooth this journey for you? I notice your very active on these pages helping and supporting others. So thats why I’m asking what is it that you need from others to?

[kin]

I hate borrowing to gamble.
It is the fastest and quickest way to get into unmanageable and uncontrolled debt.

When I lose control of my emotions,
I did not care about gambling with money that I do not have and cannot afford,
I just want to be able to gamble.

This is scary.

[kin]

Hi jvr3419,

Many thanks for this post.
I really appreciate your support and help.

I was in the middle of working on the subject mentioned in your post.
I need more time to organize everything before I can post them here.
It would be nice to get your feedback after I post them.

I wish I did not place the first bet.
If I continue to stop gambling, my baby steps forward in recovery continues.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I saw something very disgusting last time
it has help me stop gambling and I do not want to have anything to do with gambling.
I was a victim.

I saw something else that makes me feel very disgusting this time,
it has reminded me why I do not want to have anything to do with gambling
I was not a victim and I do not want to become a victim.
I get out immediately.

The results are rigged.
They are manipulated and controlled by deceptive and dishonest means.

• This reply was modified 6 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I felt so much better and happier after reading this list today.

I am very grateful and thankful that I am not getting stressed, frustrated, disappointed and broken by not gambling.
They are the reasons that has cause me to gamble previously.

Count my blessing
1. I am very grateful that I do not have stress from the daily gamble. I do not have to worry about missing a gamble.
2. I am very grateful that I do not have stress from finding more money to gamble. I do not have to borrow to gamble.
3. I am very grateful that I am not stress from disappointment, frustration, anger and fear after losing a bet.
4. I am very grateful that I do not have stress, worry and fear from more gambling debts.
5. I am very grateful that I did not lose my self-control today. I suffer from poor impulse and emotion control.
6. I am very grateful that I do not get stress from chasing gambling loss.
7. I am very grateful that I was not stress by inability to sleep due to restlessness and hyperactive gambling mind.
8. I am very grateful that gambling is not controlling my life today.
9. The money, and time that was not rob, stolen and taken away by gambling can now be wisely spend in areas loving others and myself.
10. I am very grateful that life was restored back to normal, and I start to have savings.
11. I am grateful to have normal sleeping patterns.

To stop and stay stop;
I need to stay focus on today; not on the future or the past.

1. I need to be honest with myself; I must not leave any loopholes for me to gamble today.
2. I must remove any risk and stay away from danger today.
3. I only need to stop gambling today.
4. I must stick to the plan all the way to the end today.
5. Tomorrow, I do the same.
6. One day at a time.

[kin]

I have regained good physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and financial health many times after good period of gamble free days, only to lose them by gambling again.

My own track record has shown me that it was impossible for me to gamble successfully. No matter how well I may appear to be in control, gambling always brings me down to my knee.

Due to the lack of physical symptoms, gambling is known as a ‘hidden’ addiction.

Unlike the physical ache of a substance dependence, gamblers find themselves pining for the nervous anticipation and thrill of placing one more bet. Gambling targets the mind and brain; the best way to influence our behaviours is to influence our thinking.

Problem gamblers believe that they have a fair chance of winning; it was all a deceiving lie and a false hope.

The lines are often very blurred when it comes to identifying a gambling problem. Many of us did not think we had a gambling problem until the money ran out.

The truth was the occasional wins, but the problem gambler always loses in the end. Many problem gamblers only seek help after they have hit the rock bottom or facing a crisis.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

We have an incurable disease called addiction which is chronic, progressive and fatal.

However, it is a treatable disease but many times, we had to reach our bottom before we became willing to stop.

We were much more motivated to seek help in the latter stage of our addiction when it was easier for us to see the destruction, disaster and delusion of our addiction. It was harder to deny our addiction when problems were staring us in the face.

How we got the disease is of no immediate importance to us.
We are concerned with recovery.
We begin to treat our addiction by not gambling.

[kin]

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

With reference to the AA big book

Here is the fellow who puzzle you. He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

He is often perfectly sensible concerning everything except gambling.

He may be one of the finest fellows in the world.
Yet let him gamble and he becomes incredibly dishonest and selfish.

He often possesses special abilities, skills, and aptitudes, and has a promising career ahead of him. He uses his gifts to build up a bright future for his family and himself, and then pulls everything down himself.

With ref to NA basic text

While gambling, we lived in another world.
It seems like we were two people instead of one, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

We tried very hard to fix our lives together;
we tried very hard to stay gamble free before our next gamble.
Sometimes we could stay gamble free very well,
but later, it was less important and more impossible.
In the end, Dr. Jekyll died and Mr. Hyde took over.

[kin]

The author Robert Louis Stevenson
The book – The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Summary of the story

Dr Jekyll is a kind, well-respected and intelligent scientist who meddles with the darker side of science.
He does this through transforming himself into Mr Hyde – his evil alter ego who doesn’t repent or accept responsibility for his evil crimes and ways.

The author writes about the human nature and idea that every single human being has good and evil within them.

The author describes how there is a good and an evil side to everyone’s personality, but what is important is how you behave and the decisions you make.

Jekyll and Hyde was used in reference to a person or thing that alternately displays two different sides to their character or nature.

Jekyll and Hyde behavior describes intense and dramatic mood swings.
In some cases, these mood swings may be a symptom of narcissistic personality disorder.
They could also be related to borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, or other mental health issues.

This author once said,
“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.”

[kin]

Many of us did not think we had a gambling problem until the money ran out.

Even when others told us we had a gambling problem, we were convinced that we were right and the world was wrong. We used this belief to justify our self-destructive or gambling behavior.

We developed a point of view that enabled us to pursue our gambling without concern for our own well-being or that of others.

But we began to feel that gambling was killing us long before we could ever admit it to anyone else.
We noticed that if we tried to stop gambling, we couldn’t.
We suspected we had lost control over gambling and had no power to stop.

Certain things followed as we continued to gamble.
We became accustomed to a state of mind common to addicts.
We forgot what it was like before we started gambling;
We acquired strange habits and mannerisms;
we forgot how to work; we forgot how to play;
we forgot how to express ourselves and show concern for others;
we forgot how to feel; we forgot how to live life.

[kin]

Hi jvr3419,

Thank you for your post. I really appreciate them.

This advice can only come from someone with abundant experience.

1. “The only thing you have ever seen, that actually keep people from switching between the demon and the good side of themselves is doing extremely thorough emotional work on themselves.”And the most dominant and widespread issues were some emotional dysregulations.

2. Most people you have met in recovery have extreme trust issues.

They have been severely hurt by other people so they have learned to be on their own as a survival mechanism. These people pull away from recovery and try to do recovery without any form of help.

3. They can be gamble free but they are not really recovering.

-we need to achieve emotional sobriety;

-we need to heal our past emotional traumas;

-we need to learn to cope with difficult emotions;

-we need to learn to connect with people.

This recovery will take a lifetime.
We are all works in progress and under construction.

[kin]

Emotional dysregulation

Emotional dysregulation is a mental health symptom that involves trouble controlling your emotions and how you act on those feelings.

It is also referred to as a clearly noticeable fluctuation of mood; mood swings, or labile mood – rapid, often exaggerated changes in mood, where strong emotions or feelings occur (heightened irritability or temper) and cause you to overreact to people or things happening around you.

Emotional dysregulation is a brain-related symptom that means you have trouble managing your feelings and emotions.

With emotional dysregulation, your brain can’t regulate emotion signals.

Your control doesn’t work like it should, making your emotions difficult and harder to manage.

When someone is experiencing emotional dysregulation, they may have difficulty regulating their emotions;

They may have difficulty calming down when they are happy or sad even if the person knows the situation is not important or worthy of attention;

They may have low tolerance for frustration and have angry outbursts, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and other self-damaging behaviors.

They may not have an appropriate emotive response to the situation they are in.

Over time, this condition will interfere with our quality of life.

Can you fix emotional dysregulation?

Treatment for emotional dysregulation may include one or more of the following:

-Counselling, this will include cognitive-behavioral therapy that combines strategies like mindfulness, acceptance, and emotional regulation.

-Antidepressant medications.

[jvr3419]

Sounds like you’ve done alot of research to learn about these topics. That’s awesome, it’s not easy to look at these things at all. It takes alot of willingness to dive into this part of recovery and its certainly not comfortable. But self awareness is the most important part of becoming a healthy version of ourselves. I admire your willingness and courage to never give up and you also have the ability to hear other people. One of the most stubborn parts of being an addict sometimes is the self centered approach to not listening to others but you seem to take in the things that you no are going to help you. You may have had set backs like many of us have. But you have more integrity than alot of people I’ve met in recovery and that’s admirable.

[kin]

Hi jvr3419,

Thank you for replying. I knew you were sharing with me a very real problem.

I used to warn very new inexperience therapists many years ago, if they want to bring me back to my past trauma and unhealed emotions
I need them to be skilled enough to bring me back into the present when they are finish otherwise I will be in deep troubles
when you bring them back, I do not know how to make them go away and I could not handle those emotions.
I do not know any other ways to manage those pain except acting out in substance and behavior to escape.

I am no longer the young man 26 years old, I am 57 now.
I am ok and ready to face my past trauma and unhealed emotions.

After reading your post 2 weeks ago
I did revisit some of my past and felt those same emotions
I was able to process them.

I thought about the time when I was young, I grew up in a poor family; I am really very afraid to be poor later.
I cannot go out to play with my friends because I need to stay home;
I cannot join my schoolmates for outing because I do not have money;
One day I sneak out to play games at the arcade, I came home and get a very hard beating.

I also thought about the time 30 years ago, when I was hurt very badly after a break up with someone,
I was heart broken and depress for many years.

I was able to accept them and I have learn to let go.
I was fine to talk about them; I can smile about them now.

I am sure there are many other painful emotions in my lifetime that I need to work on in recovery due to my many years of dark past and experience. I am a work in progress and under construction.

[kin]

I can understand why so much hard work is necessary for some people to achieve sobriety; for some people it was much simple because…

-they are not suffering from a problem in the brain that is not working normally
-they are not battling a mental illness
-they are not recovering from multiple addictions

I have become lazy many times after my life has improve and I have stop doing what has been helping me to stay clean and sober. My most recent one just happened to me less than 10 days ago.

My problem will come back, it is like an illness always wanting to return if I did not do my prevention and precaution work to stop them.

I like to complain about the inconvenient and pain of doing my recovery but the reality and truth of losing heavy sum of money and getting into heavy debt is more painful than the recovery work to stop gambling.

My enemy do not stop, it is always attacking
They have not been successful because I stop them
Once I stop protecting myself against the damage and harm, they will enter my life.

[Cruising247]

Good morning Kin,
I haven’t been posting recently, but I can still see your posts. This last one really hit home.
I guess it’s fine to stop ehiniy and stop saying why me, and focus on recovery. Sadly, it seems like recoverywill be a part of the rest of my life.
Thank you for sharing.

[kin]

Growing old has help me to take care of some things.
It was hard when I was younger.

I must not forget where I come from.
If I do nothing, I will end up down there
and if I do something, I will still not be successful,
but I will not be down there.

I am just grateful not to be down there.
I do not have to be a glass full of water;
I am happy to be a glass half full.

Having gratitude and contentment brings me joy and happiness
Having gratitude and contentment keeps me safe and out of troubles.

[Cruising247]

Correction:I guess it’s time to stop whining….

[kin]

Hi Cruising,

I am glad to see you posting again.
It is very difficult to do recovery on our own. We need one another in here.
We need this village of recovering people. We need their support and help
Their words give us courage, strength and hope.

Journaling is a form of mindfulness exercise, it is a form of mindful writing so keep posting…

[kin]

I am very grateful and thankful that I am not suffering from stress, frustration, disappointment and brokenness today.
They are the reasons that has cause me to gamble previously.

Count my blessing
1. I am very grateful that I do not have stress from the daily gamble. I do not have to worry about missing a gamble.
2. I am very grateful that I do not have stress from finding more money to gamble. I do not have to borrow to gamble.
3. I am very grateful that I am not stress from disappointment, frustration, anger and fear after losing a bet.
4. I am very grateful that I do not have stress, worry and fear from more gambling debts.
5. I am very grateful that I did not lose my self-control today. I suffer from poor impulse and emotion control.
6. I am very grateful that I do not get stress from strong urge to chase back gambling loss.
7. I am very grateful that I do not get stress from strong temptation to chase one more win.
8. I am very grateful that I was not stress by inability to sleep due to restlessness and hyperactive gambling mind.
9. The money, and time that was not rob, stolen and taken away by gambling can now be wisely spend in areas loving others and myself.
10. I am very grateful that life was restored back to normal, and I start to have savings.
11. I am very grateful to have normal sleeping patterns. I work. I get tired. I sleep.
12. I am very grateful that gambling is not controlling my life today.

To stop and stay stop;
I need to stay focus on today; not on the future or the past.

1. I need to be honest with myself; I must not leave any loopholes for me to gamble today.
2. I must remove any risk and stay away from danger today.
3. I only need to stop gambling today.
4. I must stick to the plan all the way to the end today.
5. Tomorrow, I do the same.
6. One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

1 Corinthians 6:12
“I have the right to do anything” you say — but not everything is beneficial.
“I have the right to do anything” — but I will not be mastered by anything.

This verse serves as a clear warning against engaging in activities that may lead to someone to becoming a slave, we have a choice to choose what we want to do, but such actions may not be good for us.

It is lawful for me to drink or gamble, it is not illegal, but they are not good for me, it can lead to a dependence or slave to them, it can easily lead me to do other things that I should not be doing that could be immoral, illegal, criminal, unlawful or lose all my self-control.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
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[kin]

my gambling shows that my heart have not surrender my ways;
my heart have not admitted defeat;
my heart have not accepted that I am powerless over gambling;
my heart still believe that I can do control gambling.
my heart was not happy my glass is not full and wants to gamble

my mind remember where I came from; my glass was empty at that time.
I am grateful, happy and contented to live with my glass half full of water now
my mind do not wish to gamble;
my mind do not need a glass full of water;
I can live with a glass half full.

[asdfghost]

Hi kin,

Can your mind always prevail over your heart?

[kin]

Hi asd,

Thank you for asking a very intelligent question.

I can only speak for myself, I struggle with impulse control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and emotion dysregulation disorder. My opinion does not represent other normal functioning person.

My emotions if uncontrolled, they might make me take decisions that are not always in my best interest. I tried to chose my reason over my emotions, unfortunately I could only do it on most days and not all the days. I need to be very mindful and aware for this purpose and sometimes I can get distracted and lose my focus.

I am a work in progress and under construction. I am still learning to follow good orderly direction.

I hope you can find the answer to this question from a qualified person or certified professional.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

When jvr3419 shared about emotional dysregulation, it inspires me to seriously think about the following:

Should I follow my heart or follow my mind or follow a Higher Power in recovery?

What is the better way to work my recovery and repentance?

Is admitting defeat and surrendering to my addiction enough to stay stop?

Should I focus on victory and submitting to a Higher Power to stay stop?

What did my Higher Power say about the heart which was driven by emotions, instincts, and desires?

What does it mean for me to surrender?

Surrender for me is the willful and stubborn or intentional, determine acceptance of defeat to gambling. The focus is on the gambling activities.

1. I surrender and stop gambling because I admit defeat to gambling.
2. I surrender and stop gambling because I am powerless over my gambling.
3. I surrender and stop gambling because compulsive gambling is a progressive illness; once I start and continue gambling, I will gradually become compulsive and cannot control the size and frequency of my gamble. If I stop gambling, I cannot stay stop
4. I surrender and stop gambling because I have no more money to lose.
5. I surrender and stop gambling because gambling has cause me to act out in other ways in life which I will normally not be doing if I am not gambling.
6. I surrender and stop gambling because gambling makes my life unmanageable.
7. I only surrender and stop gambling. Nothing else about me has change.

What does it mean for me to submit?

Submitting to a Higher Power for me means that I trust, I listen, I obey, and I follow a Higher Power to claim victory.

I give up my heart; own desires, hopes, and wants to follow the Higher Power wherever it may lead me.

My Higher Power was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Submission to a Higher Power show me where I should be heading even when I am overwhelmed by strong emotions and feelings.

The focus is on my Higher Power, the focus is not on my gambling problem.

Proverbs 3:6
In all your ways acknowledge this Higher Power,
And this Higher Power will make your paths straight.

What did my Higher Power tell me about the heart?

Jeremiah 17:9
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

Matthew 15:19
For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.

Proverbs 28:26:
He who trusts in his own heart is a fool.

1 Peter 5:8
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I only need to stay focus on today; not tomorrow or yesterday.

1. I need to be honest with myself; I must not leave any loopholes for me to gamble today.
2. I must remove any risk and stay away from danger today.
3. I only need to stop gambling today.
4. I must stick to the plan all the way to the end today.
5. Tomorrow, I do the same.
6. One day at a time.

[kin]

I was thinking …

Surrender for me means my way do not work, I follow your way.

Submissive for me means the wife is submissive to the husband and trust the husband to make the best decision for the family and follow his leadership.

When I submit to a Higher Power, I will follow my Higher Power, wherever my Higher Power leads me, regardless what happen. It is not a transaction, trade off, bargain or exchange.

[marcusmaximus]

Hi Kin
Hope you are doing ok buddy?
Keep going on the good path, we will all deviate a bit in recovery, guess that is normal.
Like you said we are work in progress. We need to keep learning about ourselves and how to deal with life! If we keep doing this, keep trying we will find a way.
One day at a time I tell myself every morning, will need to do that forever now.
There are a few odd looking posts on this site lately? Puts me off a bit.
Take care, stay strong.

[kin]

Hi marcus,

Thank you for this post.

I would like to congratulate you again for passing your one year clean and sober time. At the same time, please be careful and do not let slack and complacency put you at risk and in danger. Continue to stay focus on what you has been doing.

Thank you for asking. I am doing good and getting closer to my goal.

Communicating with others in here has help me to grow in all areas.

Looking forward to your next post soon.

I will continue to journal here, it is a form of mindfulness exercise for me, I get to practice mindful reading and writing.

[kin]

I am more confident, decisive and sure with my decision nowadays. I am happy with the clearer picture.

I do not hesitate to go ahead and follow the reasons; logical thinking; good orderly direction in my mind.

At the same time watching out for any distractions and interruptions from my emotional wants, cravings, urges and desires of the heart.

I used to think that they are one and the same. I only end up becoming indecisive, lost, confuse and wondering what was wrong with me.

Now I know they are two separate voice; one from the heart and one from the mind.

I have three clear choices, I can choose to follow :

my heart / my way or
my mind / my way or
my Higher Power / not my way

[kin]

They interview a very successful casino tycoon.

They ask him why he was not afraid of people who do not gamble and come to the casino for the free food and free drinks.

The casino tycoon says he is only afraid if the people stop coming.

Imagine these people who watch the gamble on the sideline and do not gamble.

After making 12 correct picks on the win. Do you think these people can resist the temptation to bet their own money on the 13th times .

The casino is very evil and wicked; it is one big trap for the vulnerable people.

[marcusmaximus]

Hi Kin
Good to hear that you are doing good and getting closer to your goal.
Many thanks for your kind words and advice. Yes, I will make sure I DO NOT GET COMPLACENT. It is well worth highlighting that for me.
Complacency has undone me before. I told myself I had stopped but I had not put good barriers in place and kind of always thought I could go back to gambling in a controlled way.
Now I know I simply cannot gamble in a controlled way, I AM A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER.
Things are going ok. One day a time.
Best wishes. Let us keep making the right choices.

[kin]

If you are like me, you have questioned yourself, “What is wrong with me.”

They have made you felt so helpless, and useless, weak and vulnerable, like a loser and failure. They never disappear, they will show up in your life, sometime sooner, sometime later.

I need to work my recovery every day to be constantly mindful and be aware of their presence.

If I cannot cure them, I need to stop them;
they are like the enemies that never stop trying.
I need to deter, prevent, protect, minimize the chances of heavy damage and destruction when they strike.

A. Impulsive control disorder

Impulse control disorders are a group of behavioral conditions that involve an inability to control impulses and behaviors or self-control, like angry outbursts and destroying property.

Each impulse control disorder has different signs and symptoms but they all involve a decreased ability to control your own behavior, which often lead people to breaks laws or harm others.

B. Obsessive and compulsive disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder features a pattern. Obsessions are lasting and unwanted thoughts that keeping coming back or urges that are intrusive and cause great distress or anxiety. These obsessions lead you to do repetitive behaviors called compulsions.

C. Emotional dysregulation disorder

Emotional dysregulation is a brain-related symptom that means you have trouble managing your feelings and emotions.

Without recovery work, these problems get in the way of our daily activities and cause a lot of distress in our life.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

In recovery, I found a Higher Power.

When my mind and my heart is not giving me the correct direction in life;
Following either one of them gets me into big trouble.
I must not follow my mind and I must not follow my heart.

In recovery, I learn to accept the things I cannot control;
the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

I learn from the people in recovery that I have another choice.
I can give up “my ways” and follow a “new way.”

I learn to deny my ways, anything to do with what “I, me, myself” wants.
Whoever want to follow the new way must give up their ways.

What good will it be for me to gain the whole world, and loses my soul?
What am I willing to give in exchange for my soul?

The price is heavy if I follow my ways; my mind; my heart and gamble.
I may lose all the money; lose my family and any other person important to me in my life;
lose my career and the job I love; everything in my life just simply fall apart.

[kin]

When my heart wants to do something, my heart, driven by emotions, instincts, and desires pulls me in one direction.

When my mind wants to do something, my mind, guided by logic, reasoning, and analysis, urges me to go in another direction.

What happen if both my mind and my heart is not giving me the correct direction?

In this situation, if I choose to follow a Higher Power, I would have to deny both my mind and my heart.
I choose to have faith and trust in a Power I cannot see, hear or prove. I just do it.

I have faith in this Higher Power; I believe this Higher Power will not abandon me; I believe this Higher Power will straighten my path; I have trust in this Higher Power.

If I believe and have faith; I will place my trust on it.
Faith recognizes that a chair is designed to support the person who sits on it.
Trust demonstrates the faith by actually sitting in the chair.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.
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[kin]

The Story Of A Drowning Man

A man was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the person shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”

The stranded man shouted back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.”

So the rowboat went on.

Then a motorboat came by. “The person in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.”

To this the stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the motorboat went on.

Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.”

To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.

Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to ask God, “I had faith in you but you didn’t save me, you let me drown. I don’t understand why!”

God replied to him, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter.”

[kin]

What is mindful journaling?

Mindfulness journaling is the act of writing down your thoughts, feelings, and experiences in a non-judgmental way.

It’s a way to connect with your inner self, deepen your awareness, and cultivate a sense of inner peace.

[kin]

Gratitude turns what we have into enough

[kin]

The Parable of the Rope

The story was about a mountain climber, who wanted to climb the highest mountain.

He began his adventure after many years of preparation, but since he wanted the glory just for himself, he decided to climb the mountain alone.

The night fell heavy in the heights of the mountains and the man could not see anything. All was black. Zero visibility and the moon and the stars were covered by the clouds. As he was climbing only a few feet away from the top of the mountain, he slipped and fell in to the air falling at great speed. He could only see black spots as he went down and the terrible sensation of being sucked by gravity.

He kept falling and in the moments of great fear, it came to his mind all the good and bad episodes of his life. He was thinking now about how close death was getting, when all of a sudden, he felt the rope tied to his waist pull him very hard. His body was hanging in the air.

Only the rope was holding him and in that moment of stillness he had no other choice but to scream, ‘Help me God.’

All of a sudden a deep voice coming from the sky answered, “What do you want me to do?’

‘Save me God.’

‘Do you really think I can save you?’

‘Of course I believe You can.”

“Then cut the rope tied to your waist.’

There was a moment of silence and the man decided to hold on to the rope with all his strength.

The rescue team tells that the next day a climber was found dead and frozen, his body hanging from a rope. His hands holding tight to it. Only one foot away from the ground.

Have you let go of your gambling?
Are you holding on to your gambling? Why?

If you have faith in the Higher Power, do you trust the Higher Power enough to give up all your ways.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

My honest confession:

I am very thankful for the recovery and the relapse in my life.

I am very grateful for the many defeats that I have.
They help me to appreciate the life that I have now.
Otherwise, I would simply forget what it was like and why I should not relapse.

Defeat and relapse help me to remember what my life used to be like
It was painful, dark and hopeless at that time.

My defeat and relapse in recovery have turn me into a better person than I used to be.
My defeat and relapse in recovery have help me grow as a person

My defeat makes me remember why I should not use substance and behaviour to feel good. There are so many other ways to feel good such as helping others, keeping pets and plants, play sports, listening to songs, read and pray.

This new life has given me hope.

[kin]

I will start counting my gamble free days from today dated 23 April 2024.

[kin]

I really have no answer for someone like me; I cannot pick up my first drink, I cannot place my first bet; I cannot act out in compulsive sex and food. At times I really feel that it was very meaningless for me that I cannot do many things that a normal person can do to have fun and feel good.

A wise person replied me that many normal person do not do the things that I mention.

This wise person follow up next by telling me that there are many other healthier things that they do to feel good.

[asdfghost]

Hi kin,

I think you have a point. Every defeat we had, every fight we lost, every relapse we suffered… they turned us the better way. At first it sounds counterintuitive. However, that’s the truth.

[kin]

I will be on annual leave for the next 2 weeks due to some renovation upgrading work at home.
I will have the opportunity to visit the local recovery drop in center.
I will have ample time for rest and sleep to recharge and restore my energy.

Meeting so many new recovery person at a recovery drop in center makes me reflect on myself today.
I must not talk the walk and not walk the talk myself.
I must constantly remember why I should not relapse.

Start: 23rd April 2024
Today: 24th April 2024
Gamble free days: 1

I will be grateful and contented not to hold on to excess cash for the rest my life.
I need to stick to the plan all the way to the end.

Thank God for the mercy and grace.
I must repent before it is too late.

There will be times when my mind and my heart wants to gamble;
I must not follow my mind and my heart who wants to stop gambling today and gamble tomorrow.

All glory goes to a Higher Power who was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.
If I follow my Higher Power, I need to deny myself and not gamble yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I trust that my Higher Power will straightened my path
I only need to stick to the plan all the way to the end.
May God’s will be done, not mine.

If I gamble, I am not following my Higher Power.
My Higher Power never tell me to gamble.

[asdfghost]

Hi kin,

Stay strong, man. You can do it today, tomorrow you will do the same thing.

[kin]

Hi asd,

Thank you for the encouraging words. How are you doing?

I attended a facilitated smart recovery meeting at the local recovery drop-in center today and I raise the topic: What happen if my mind wanted to do one thing and my heart want to do another thing. What should I do?

There were more than 20 participants.

I find some pointers shared by the participants worth taking note.

1. Consider the consequences of following the mind or the heart. Can we afford to bear these consequences before deciding?

2. Many decisions are reaction which we later regret. Decision do not have to be immediate; we may choose to delay or postpone the decision making and many times the decision was not the same after the break.

3. No one made the correct decision all the times. The most important thing after the relapse was to pick themselves up again and carry on.

4. If I cannot follow the mind and if I cannot follow the heart; I follow the law.

Start: 23rd April 2024
Today: 25th April 2024
Gamble free days: 2

• This reply was modified 5 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[asdfghost]

Hey kin,

I’m doing alright. Two weeks have passed since my last failure. I had a lot of bad thoughts lately. Now I feel better.

Do you keep attending these? I think that’s nice when you have a company to share your struggles and ideas with. Should help a lot.

[kin]

Hi Cruising

I can understand how you feel when I read in Romans 7:18

“…I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.”

[kin]

I am currently on annual leave until the 7th May 2024 due to renovation upgrading works at home.
This is the much awaited rest and break that I needed in the last 16 months on this job.
I do not want to lose whatever I have chasing after whatever I do not have.
I am thankful for everything.
I really look forward to starting another phrase on this journey when my annual leave ends.

In the meanwhile, I am finally ill from the unforgiving heat and weather.
I start to suffer from sore throat and phlegm yesterday.
I hope to recover soon.

[Cruising247]

Hi Kim
I hope you feel better soon.

[kin]

My attitude towards the operator changes today.

The authorities will arrest the narcotic producers, traffickers, pushers and users but they never arrest the casino operators and the gamblers, the brewery manufacturers and drinkers. They only arrest the illegal ones that does not produce money for them. They are destroying the lives of vulnerable people prone to using them. Blame it on the users but if they stop the producers, they can save the lives of so many users.

One famous politician once says if you cannot stop them on your own, I will stop them for you. That is why the country I stay in have so many bans, restrictions, fines, caning and death sentence.

I never see the operator as evil and wicked; I never see them doing something wrong.

Maybe I was wrong. I was a victim too.

I cannot control using the drug, alcohol and the gambling
The operator is in every corner here

The only way to stop and save me is not to be near them;
I need to learn to walk away from them

• This reply was modified 5 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 5 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Hi Cruising

Thank you for your presence and support.

[asdfghost]

Hi kin,

Get well soon.

About your thoughts on operators, I agree. They are evil people… You cannot underestimate casino or bookmaker. They use their advantage over gamblers (mentally ill people) to steal money from them. We need to stay far away from these sick places.

[kin]

My relapse shows that what I am doing is not enough.

Tonight, I have reconnected with a faith-based gambling support group meeting.
This group was not new to me. The people there are always so joyful.

I am confident that they will strengthen my support system and recovery.
I am willing to do whatever it takes to stop gambling!

[kin]

I am putting down my pride and ego. I may have multiple years clean time on alcohol and slot machine, but I can only manage to stop sport betting for 6 months each time. I am seeking help.

I confess to the people at this particular support group and tell them that I really do not want to gamble.
I really find gambling very meaningless in my life now.

This group has more activities and the people stay connected after the meeting, they do things together. Something missing in my recovery. I am seeking this bonding, this connection, and their common interest in seeking God’s help.

• This reply was modified 5 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I wanted to be like the people in recovery who was able to contribute to the family every month. I could not do it in the past and I have learn to do it now.
I wanted to stop alcohol and slot machine. I could not stop in the past and I have successfully done so for many years now.

One thing at a time.

[kin]

I am very concern about potentially becoming confuse, lost, careless, reckless, foolish when I am sick or stress in my senior years. I do not wish to bring harm and hurt to my family. I do not want to be a danger to them.

It is very sad and terrible to lose all your life saving or all the saving accumulated during your gamble free days in a relapse.

It is very depressing and scary to watch the total destruction when you are in the auto pilot mode.

I am putting in place additional accountability and commitments into my routine and recovery. I wanted to check and report my well-being to a physical group regularly.

I must do whatever it takes to keep others and myself safe and out of danger.
I need to love and protect others getting hurt and harm from me.

I see my senior years getting more challenging in this area.
It shall be done out of love, not out of selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways

• This reply was modified 5 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 5 months ago by kin.

[logan]

Thanks I am new here and trying my best to be on the road to recovery. I appreciate all these posts and I am very happy to join this group.

[kin]

Hi logan,

Welcome to this recovery site. You may like to start your thread so that others can reply to you.

[kin]

Everything is normal. I do not have any thought or feeling to gamble on sports. It is not difficult for me to stay gamble free.

But when I am very stressed or when I am sick, confused and lost, I may gamble for fun or gamble to feel good.

I have build another protection barrier by connecting to another group of recovery people;
I intend to tell these people if I plan to gamble; I intend to confess to these people before I gamble.
I want to repent before it is too late.

[kin]

It is a very small thing for others but a very big thing for me who can only wish about it. It Is very important for me to do something for the family.

I handover my excess cash plus contribution to the family and the money was used to pay for the additional charges for our home renovation. I am sure it was a big relief for the family.

There was no rush, I did the laundry for the family during my free time. I was not thinking about anything else; I was just happy to do something for the family. There is no water for the washing machine at home due to the renovation and have to do it at the shop.

I have already connected to an active recovery support group, I have formed another layer of protection now, I can join them on Saturday if I need to stay away from danger and move away from risk on this day.

• This reply was modified 5 months ago by kin.

[kin]

I am attending Sunday church service with this group of recovering people today.

[kin]

It was a different group with strong track record in helping people recovering from gambling.

I saw a message on their page which says, “you win the match but what is the consequences”

It reminded me of my first bet in sport and how it eventually always lead to a new rock bottom.

• This reply was modified 5 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Everything happen too fast in the past for me to stop myself or describe what was happening.
Today I was in an activity that makes me happy.
Later I sat down to have a cup of coffee and I still feel high
I guess this behavior has made me release dopamine.
It can turn into a problem;
I wanted to continue doing something to keep this high going
Thought to use alcohol and gambling cross my mind;
that would mean a relapse and going against what I have been doing for the past two weeks.

I had a choice and I choose to repent;
I choose not to follow my plan;
I choose to turn back my direction;
I went home and rest instead.
I did not choose alcohol and gambling to get high.

• This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

What was different and what are the changes I experience recently?

1. Ever since March this year, the weather has been very hot and I was very stress and affected by the heat.

2. I could feel the tension and stress in my body and mind. I blame them on the unbearable heat and my long working hours until I realise that my stomach feels bloated and I was bleeding when passing motion.

3. I was scrubbing dead skin off my face due to my eczema. Eczema is another source of my stress.

4. Renovation at home lasted from 25 April to 7 May and caused a lot of stress from inconveniences to my daily living. I was also worried about additional financial burden from the renovation.

5. I have recovered from cough and phlegm after 2 weeks recently, it has made working tough and stressful. I was more tired at work than usual, I do not have the energy to stay awake and alert for 12 hours as a result of the sickness.

These are the things that I need to adapt and survive during this time every year.

Now I shall reset and reorganize myself. Pick myself up again, dust myself and move on.

I am telling myself to never stay down and give up trying. Seek help if necessary.

I only need to stay focus on today, tomorrow I will do the same.

I do not need to turn to any form of gambling for fun and feel good.
Gambling is not a solution to any problem.

I can always turn to my Higher Power;
I can repent; I can stop and turn back my direction away from wrongdoing;
I can move away from darkness and follow the light.

I pray for mercy, grace and forgiveness from God.
I can find happiness, joy, satisfaction, hope, calm and peace from the progress in recovery.

This journey must continue.

• This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

The heat has improve and less hot compare to March and April
My bleeding has stop
I scrub the dead skin on my face today
The renovation is completed
I have stop coughing and my throat is cleared of phlegm
I am sleeping better. I was able to recharge and restore my energy.
I have more energy at work.
Things are less stressful now.

• This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

just received the bad news today that I am losing my comfortable and stable job soon. The client did not renew my company contract.

I will be deployed and assign to a new worksite in 2 weeks time. I am worried that I cannot adapt to a new working environment.

[kin]

I am connected to a community now and I have commited to attending their physical meetings on Tuesday, Friday and Sunday.

The group leader will check on me and remind me not to miss their meetings.

These has help me stay gamble free; it was simpler and easier.

I will have something to look forward in my free time everytime.

• This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I realised that I have always looked back at all the nice things, beautiful person and good feelings I once had and not focusing on the eternal things of God once my life gets uncomfortable.

Physically looking backwards may cause someone to stumble and fall.

Spiritually looking backward can cause someone to return back to their sinful past.

[kin]

To anyone reading this post

This is a dedication to anyone experiencing failure.

It seems like you have forgotten again. Let me remind you.

When it was hard and you are:

1. overwhelmed
2. afraid
3. walking alone
4. didn’t have the answer
5. couldn’t see the way
6. wanted to give up

You kept going!

• This reply was modified 4 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 4 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Q: What is one thing I am doing wrong that I know I can fix

A: my gambling

[kin]

Tonight I pray that I am not going to look back at my gambling days
I am moving forward in my remaining days and giving up my gambling completely

As long as I am attending this support group, I will not gamble
and if I ever gamble, I will not attend this group anymore.

I want to attend this group and stop gambling completely.

[kin]

Thinking and talking about the things I do in the past in a way glorified my wrongdoings
I cannot afford the consequences of returning back to my gambling and drinking way of life
Looking back and reliving them in my memories can put me at risk of a relapse

Repentance before it is too late has help save me in these situations.
I realize I am heading in the wrong direction so I stop and make a U-turn back in the opposite direction.

Today is the 25th of May, I am clean and sober this month. There is another 6 more days to go – one bad day or relapse will wipeout all the effort completely and turn this month into a nightmare, it will be very painful, frustrating and discouraging. This is the reality of my recovery, every single day clean and sober matters in the end!

• This reply was modified 4 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 4 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 4 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I confessed to Higher Power, to another human being and those reading about my shortcomings and character defects.

Tonight, I have return home after attending a gambling support group. I was not happy with how I behave just now because I heard a newcomer shared that he goes to XX to attend GA meeting.

I had to clarify with him in the group whether he seek professional help like counselling at XX and whether he works the 12 steps recovery program in GA. He neither seek counselling help at XX and didn’t work the 12 steps recovery program in GA. I did not want the others in the group to be confused by him.

I read that crime committed with good intentions are still punishable by the court of law and sins committed with good intentions are still punishable by Higher Power. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut.

I should leave everything to my Higher Power. I should be still and humble. I should focus on my Higher Power. I should trust my Higher Power more. I should put my priority on Higher Power.

I make the mistake of focusing on people and place. I lost my focus on my Higher Power and priority.

God, you say in Isaiah 55:8-9 niv

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Teach me God, to trust you more and trust me less. Help me God, to be still and humble.

[kin]

I am reminding myself

15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin in Hebrews 4:15 NIV

When we fail to flee temptation and fall into sin, we should immediately turn our gaze back to Christ in repentance, seeking His forgiveness: “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.

Reject the way you are going and choose an entirely different path.
Jesus spoke of the broad road that leads to destruction and the narrow road that leads to life in Matthew 7:13-14.

Repentance is a change of mind, heart and action – you think differently and as a result, act differently.

Begin by recognizing you are on the wrong path. You are not safe. Your path ends in destruction. Turn around and face the opposite direction.

Repentance before it is too late has save me.
I realize I am heading in the wrong direction;
I stopped and make a U-turn back in the opposite direction.

[marcusmaximus]

Hi Kin
Keep going, you are nearly at the end of the month !
Best wishes

[kin]

Hi marcus

I am really glad to read your posts. Like rising phoenix, jvr3419 and many others, your story is a celebration of recovery.

Thank you for sharing.

[asdfghost]

Hi, kin!

I’m so glad to be able to reply here to you again. I’ll join marcus and suggest you to keep up the good fight.

Thank you for your posts.

[kin]

When I shared I did this and I do that with my new group this month. Even when I was sharing about doing the right thing.

I get a very strong feelings of remorse, guilt, shame and pain later; I felt like a hypocrite after recalling the sinful things that I had done.

I feel very unworthy and ashamed to face these brothers and sisters.

Did I regret sharing in the house of the Lord? Yes, I felt like a liar showing off.

I have never felt like this in other support groups elsewhere.

Isaiah 64:6
All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.
/ we dry up like leaves; our sins are storm winds sweeping us away.

Romans 3:10
10 As it is written: “There is no one righteous, not even one

[kin]

Renovation.
I was unable to rest or sleep properly at home for the whole month of May due to noise from hacking and drilling from renovation work in my area. I have fallen sick twice during the month.

I also have to face unexpected additional expenses from new installations and new paint work at home because my family wanted it.

Work
My company has lost the contract to my work place due to expensive quotation. I will be leaving this nice and comfortable place in June. I have settled down and worked here for 17 months and I have to leave this place soon, it feels like losing a job. It is not due to my performance at work or my gambling so there is no need to self-beat or sink into self-pity.

Recovery
It was stronger than ever with the support I get from a new support group I just joined in May. I am connected to people who is serious about quitting gambling and they are practicing a recovery program and following a Higher Power. They have meeting on Tuesday, Friday and Sunday and it has kept me safe.

Current situation
Having an income every month is very important to me. I am living from pay check to pay check every month. I hope that I can adapt to my new working environment after new posting and stay employ.

Taking one thing and one step at the time, my top priority in the month of May has been my home and family, they have come first. Next was my job and financial health, it is currently very uncertain and not clear now. I am fearful and need to be courageous.

I have to turn to God and gambling support group more for support and comfort during this difficult and hard time. I have found rest for my soul there. I do not need to seek entertainment in gambling or other self-destructive behaviors to feel good and escape reality.

It is very important for me to live in the presence moment; I must stay focus on living today fully; I must not be distracted by worrying about the past or fear about the future.

The advise I receive from my addiction counsellor in our first session long time ago was read the bible and pray to God; talk to God and ask God for help.

[kin]

Many people including myself have confused with pleasure and happiness because both feel good. I heard this and it made me stop and think.

Pleasure is fueled by dopamine and can give rise to addiction; happiness is linked to serotonin.

Serotonin is a chemical that affects body functions such as regulate moods, digestion, and sleep.

Serotonin is associated with happiness, focus and calmness. This feels good, I don’t want or need any more.

In the presence of chronic stress and less serotonin leads to depression.

Happiness is long term. Happiness is giving. Happiness is achieved in a social group. Happiness cannot be achieved by substances. Contentment and Happiness goes together. Happiness is serotonin.

Dopamine is a chemical that causes you to want, desire, seek out and search pleasure.

Dopamine is associated with rewards and motivation. This feels good, I want more.

In the presence of chronic stress, I do not care what happens in the future, I need my reward now.

Pleasure is short term. Pleasure is taking. Pleasure is achieved alone. Pleasure is achieved with substances like food, drugs and alcohol or behavior like internet, social media, gaming, pornographic, sex, gambling, pornography… Reward and pleasure go together. Pleasure is dopamine.

Reward and contentment are not the same.
The more dopamine you seek, the less happy you become.

• This reply was modified 4 months ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 4 months ago by kin.

[kin]

The picture is very clear.
Once I lose my employment, I will have problem with the following:

providing the family every month
servicing my bills and loans every month
making the final payment to purchase a new flat
saving every month

It was the same concern 17 months ago and everything was fine today.

I am very grateful for everything.
I am living life.

Good things and bad things happen in life.
I need to accept both.

I must be grateful to be alive today.
I must be grateful for this gift.

[kin]

I visited the recovery drop in center today and attended a meeting there.
My heart was heavy before I came but after hearing the sharing of others.
I felt better and ready to face my challenge.

In the other gambling support group that I attend at another place
we also go around taking turn to praise God and this is very new to me
I realize this teaches me and help me to remember to be grateful

[kin]

Happiness is a state of being that is characterized by an overall sense of contentment, satisfaction, and well-being.
Happiness is a long-term emotional state that is not dependent on external circumstances or material possessions.
Happiness is an internal state that is cultivated through a combination of positive emotions, meaningful relationships, and a sense of purpose and fulfilment in life.

Pleasure, on the other hand, is a short and temporary experience that is often associated with physical sensations or external stimuli.
Pleasure is a short-term feeling of fun and enjoyment or gratification that is often triggered by things like food, sex, alcohol, drug, gaming, gambling or other pleasurable activities.
While pleasure can be a positive experience, it is not necessarily indicative of overall happiness or well-being.
Seeking pleasure at the expense of other aspects of life can actually lead to negative consequences in the long run, such as addiction, poor health, and a lack of fulfilment or purpose.

[kin]

Happiness and pleasure, are easily confused, as they both feel good.

It’s important to note that happiness and pleasure are not the same thing.

Fortunately, Dr. Lustig shared seven differences between the two.
1. Pleasure is short-lived; happiness is long-lived.
2. Pleasure is visceral; happiness is ethereal.
3. Pleasure is taking; happiness is giving.
4. Pleasure can be achieved with substances; happiness cannot be achieved with substances.
5. Pleasure is experienced alone; happiness is experienced in social groups.
6. The extremes of pleasure all lead to addiction, whether they be substances or behaviours. Yet there’s no such thing as being addicted to too much happiness.
7. Finally, and most importantly, pleasure is tied to dopamine (the pleasure biochemical/neurotransmitter), and happiness is tied to serotonin (the happiness biochemical/neurotransmitter).

Dr. Lustig explains WHY understanding these differences is of vital importance.

One chief reason is: excess dopamine can lead to addiction, which erodes both present and future happiness.

In simple neuroscience terms, dopamine downregulates serotonin resulting in “the more pleasure we seek, the more unhappy we get.”

• This reply was modified 4 months ago by kin.

[kin]

It was late for me but it is better than never.

These newly acquired knowledge and information has been able to help me change and make some correct decisions.

In the past I was confuse because I thought they are the same but they are not:
Sometimes my heart wants to do one thing and my mind wants to do another thing.
Sometimes both are not reliable and tells me to do the wrong thing.
Today I learn to follow my Higher Power who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

For many years, I have seek pleasure when I really wanted happiness.
I did not know they are not the same.
Today I have learn to stop some unhealthy pleasure seeking ways.

I wish that others do not have to go thru the same pain and suffering due to ignorant from lack of knowledge and wisdom.

• This reply was modified 4 months ago by kin.

[kin]

24 months ago, I consulted a counsellor, lawyer, social worker, and spoke with my mentor when I felt inadequate, fear and worried before I take the next step.

24 months has passed, I was glad all was well and everything is fine. However, I just lost my stable and comfortable job due to a new posting. I did not have any reserve due to my relapse. I continue to fear and worry. I feel very insecure.

I turn to these words in Matthew 6:26-27 niv
26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

I was reminded to trust and stay focus on my Higher Power. I need to do the next right thing. Worrying is not going to help. I can talk to my Higher Power and pray.

[kin]

I was afraid a change of job will lead to lower income and affect my ability to save.
I fear that my plan to stay employed for the remaining year will fail.
I am worried.

How many times did they not come true?

If they do come true, it is not the worse that can happen to me
I did not gamble and did not get into more debt.

It only mean that I need to take a longer and harder route to get to my financial destination.

I am encouraging myself to march on regardless the condition, it is worth it!

[kin]

How do I describe my misery in the past?

In the presence of chronic stress, I do not care what happens in the future, I need my reward now.

I become very impulsive and compulsive.

A behaviour is compulsive when you have the urge to do it repeatedly — until a feeling of anxiety or unease goes away.

A behaviour is impulsive when you do it without forethought and without considering the consequences.

I have self-destructed many times despite knowing the consequences when I go ahead to act out in food, sex, alcohol, drug, gambling, surfing internet, gaming, pornography. I have lost almost everything from precious time, money, health and relationships with people.

This is how a person ended up in mental, emotional, physical, financial, spiritual bankruptcy…prison, hospital and institutions.

• This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Isaiah 55:9
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 54:4
“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood.

Romans 10:11
For the scripture says, “Every man who believes in him will not be shamed.”

Dear diary,

I lack confident in facing the challenges ahead with the new changes now.
I am very uncertain and unsure whether I can still do my job.
I was afraid and fearful that I cannot cope physically and mentally in something that I can do when I was younger.

I am so stressed whenever I take the next step into the unknown.
I know my weakness, “in the face of stress, I do not care what happens in the future, I want my reward now.”
“I will do the wrong things until the anxiety and discomfort goes away.”

I want to stay in recovery, “whenever both my heart and mind are telling me to do wrong, I really need to listen to my Higher Power.”

I had to encourage myself to seek long term happiness, and not seek short term pleasures.
I need to be determined and continue with doing good despite the difficulty.

I was afraid of failure and shame.
I manage to find comfort and encouragement in the scriptures above today.
I need to stay focus on my Higher Power.

I fear that bad things will happen to me and a reality check tells me that if they really do happen,
I only need to find a new job. Income may be lower but I should be able to manage. I should not worry too much.

• This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

This is a follow up post.
I am learning to trust my Higher Power.
Trusting that my Higher Power thought and way is higher than mine.

I see no way, no solution and no hope for my situation.
I was afraid and fearful that my plan is falling apart.
I can easily suffer from strong anxiety, panic and gamble after I lost my job.

I am learning to have faith in my Higher Power.
I am learning that following my Higher Power will not put me to shame.
I prayed to my Higher Power and this has keep me still, quiet and gamble free.

There was a turn of event last week, I did not expect my supervisor to go on annual and medical leave for a week. This changes everything. His manager took over his duty and this give me hope. My supervisor could have conveniently put me in any available job site which may be unsuitable and tough. My manager is more helpful and hardworking, he is trying to help me search for a suitable site in the company many projects.

• This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

After my last day of service in my last work site, I was very anxious and worried about my future in the company, asking my supervisor to spend time and effort to help me find me a suitable work site island wide is a hopeless thing because my supervisor wouldn’t go the extra mile in his work to help. But who would have predicted that my supervisor will fall sick and be on medical leave for many days last week and his duty at work was taken over by our manager who is very helpful. My manager gave me a few available work sites to pick one for the next suitable work site and I made my decision today.
This is a new experience for me because in the past when things get out hand and I am losing control of everything, and when I felt hopeless and helpless, disappointed and frustrated, I may press the self-destruct button. It has happen many times.
This time I follow the words, I cannot see my future but I choose to remain faithful and trust that I will not be put to shame following my Higher Power. True enough, I cannot see the change of events that was coming in the future, it has turn from darkness into light unexpectedly for me.
Thank God, I was able to remain still, I did not over-react, I was not impulsive, I did not made a foolish and reckless decision, I did not gamble during this painful, anxious, uncertain and hard times.

[kin]

Isaiah 55:9
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Romans 10:11
“Every man who believes in him will not be shamed.”

Dear Father in Heaven,
I shall follow your words to stay gamble free all the way to the end today.

[kin]

I deal with my anxiety, fear and worries and it did not end up in gambling
It means that I did not have to face the problem brought by gambling in the end

I did not seek pleasure when facing the curve ball throw at me in life
I found peace

I shall follow your words to stay gamble free all the way to the end today

[kin]

I did not know I had other problems, it took me many years to finally realize that I suffer from other mental conditions such as impulse control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, emotional dysregulation disorder

It probably explain my long and difficult lifetime struggles in recovery. I could not keep a straight line, I always drift away and had to constantly made very painful adjustment to correct myself each time in life.

I am not here to compare myself with others, I have not been able to obtain complete abstinence or perfection in my recovery.

I have learn to accept and live with the curve balls throw at me. I have learn to be at peace with myself and I have learn to be happy and grateful for the progress that I made. They did not come easy for me.

Everything is not ok but I am ok. I am grateful to be alive today.

I shall follow your words to stay gamble free all the way to the end today.

[kin]

Things was smooth going, stable and comfortable for 17 months, suddenly everything is not working over the last 4 weeks.
I choose to meditate and pray on the words that “everyone who believes in the Higher Power will not be shame.”
I discover new found strength and power not from within me to stay gamble free and trust the words all the way to the end.

I did something I never do before today:
I was passing by and saw a young plant about 4 metres tall bending 90 degrees to the side in the public,
it was supposed to be tied to a straight pole for support,
I felt something for the plant, it must be suffering and painful,
I decided to help the plant, I got some rope to tied it to the straight pole.

It was natural for me to be calculative, overthink and end up gambling during hard times.
Instead of fear and tightening my money during this uncertain and threatening times
I decided to spend 380 sgd on the following:
1. a wireless power drill, I always wanted to get it to do some minor repair work at home
2. nice food for the family
3. massage for myself to release the tension in my body

I spend the money on good cause;
I did not try to recover the money by gambling;
I did not gamble, I did not use alcohol.

• This reply was modified 3 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 3 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
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[kin]

Life in recovery remains imperfect.
I have learnt to accept the reality in my life.
I have stop my perfectionist behaviors.

Instead of focusing on all the things that I did not achieve in recovery and sink into self-beating and self-pity mode.
I look at all the things which I was able to do and achieve in recovery which otherwise would not be done.
It was all positive and encourage me to continue recovering.

It was my off day, I woke up early. I have arrange to meet up my counsellor to talk about things at 11 am today;
I had 17 smooth going, stable and comfortable months but in the last 4 weeks, nothing seem to be working;
it felt terrible but I did not slip or relapse this time.

After breakfast, I walk pass the 4m tree that I tried to help yesterday on my way home.
I saw the tree bending side way from the 2.5m height.

I saw my help can only do so little; when I stretch my arms upwards, my hands can only reach a little more than 2m.
I tried to tied this tree to the supporting straight pole beside the trunk;
Yesterday the tree was bending 90 degrees sideway below 1m, today it was bending above 2m.
The picture I see amazes me. Yesterday I saw one life in the tree.
Today I see two lives in the tree, the tree and the bird resting on the part that was bend sideway.

There is a Higher Power at work providing life to the tree, the bird and me. I was grateful.
I cannot control everything that happens in my life but I can stop gambling with the help, mercy and grace of my Higher Power.

Suddenly I feel that life was like a movie
there was a creator, script writer, director
I play the character.

• This reply was modified 3 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 3 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 3 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I woke up early today and did some repair work at home. After breakfast, I was reflecting on the take away from the gambling support group meeting I attended yesterday.

Lessons
1. Vertically, we need to connect to a Higher Power and horizontally, we need to connect to people in recovery.

2. Real life testimony of a person who suffered a relapse after staying gamble free for 10 years, he shared about having false pride, he was over confident and pretending that he will not make mistake or gamble again, he stop attending gambling support group meeting.

3. Real life testimony of a person who suffered a relapse and hit a new rock bottom. In his first relapse, he was in debt of 20,000 sgd. He was able to clear this debt after staying gamble free in recovery. He stopped attending gambling support group meeting, not long after he suffered another relapse. His debt was now 100,000 sgd or 5 times bigger than before.

4. Real life testimony of a gambler who have lost all his money. His family suffered greatly and his wife wanted to commit suicide because of his gambling. Gambling really harm and destroy the family.

5. Real life testimony of a gambler who lost all his money, job and home. He has no place to stay.

I was grateful to hear these powerful sharing.
I cannot pretend that I will not make mistake, and I cannot be over confident that I will never relapse.
I can make the same mistake too if I am not careful.
I must not stop my journaling here and continue to attend support group meetings;
These activities has help me stay stop in my substance and behavioral use.

They are like safety rope tied around my waist catching me when I fall
It prevent me falling uncontrollably all the way down to the bottom if I fall.

• This reply was modified 3 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 3 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
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[kin]

I just realize I have heard and known 3 separate cases about wife attempting suicide because the husband was a compulsive husband and did not stop gambling. The husband gamble; the wife and children suffers, the wife and children did not deserve all these punishments.

[kin]

Today was my off day; I have earn and deserve the rest. I can now relax myself journaling and do some mindful writing before I get more sleep to recharge and restore myself.

I have worked long and unhealthy hours without break, I was so tired and exhausted that I could fall asleep while doing my job. I was not lazy; I was just simply too tired. That was my limit, if anyone is not happy with my effort; it is fine with me. I have done my honest best. I will be happy to move on to another job. In the meanwhile, I am not quitting until I have done my best. I am doing my best without troubling anyone to help me made a life changing decision. I will know the outcome of my effort in 6month time.

In the spirit of one thing at a time, April and May was a very difficult month for me due to many expected and unexpected changes. I experience big change in my job, finance and renovation works at home. It was a very uncomfortable time; this is a time I was hit by multiple curve balls in life at the same time.

Today I realize that I was 10 times stronger in recovery compare to when I first started. Those days, I would become very frustrated and angry, dissatisfied and discontented on the smallest of thing such as receiving unexpectedly 30 dollars lesser in my pay, I feel that it is not ok and would press the self-destruction button. I would seek comfort in alcohol and gambling; I was more impulsive and my obsessive-compulsive behavior was more serious at that time, I explode more easily.

Today, I can receive unexpectedly 300 dollars lesser in my pay, I would try even harder to remain calm and protect my sobriety; I do not want to rock my boat, I do not want to listen to my mind and heart to seek pleasure and escape the pain and hardships.

I have accepted in life that bad things do happen to good people or even people who did not do anything wrong. I do not envy good thing happening to people who do bad things. This is life; it is not perfect. I am not alone; it happened to everyone. People get hit by curve balls in life, some more than others and this is the challenge; you do not always get straight ball throw at you in life.

I did not seek pleasure and find comfort in all the unhealthy stuff, I have stayed stop in gambling.

[kin]

2005-2024 was my years of experience. I am the only expert in my life.

I have grown from addressing my own gambling problem in recovery to addressing the problems that leads to my gambling in recovery.
I have grown a better insight into my problems and a better understanding of the people with my problems.

This is how I tackle my problem now. I address the underlying issues and causes now; the root of the cause.
I have learnt and discover my impulsive control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and emotional dysregulation disorder.
This was supported by all the evidences that has happened in my life.

Not everyone have these problems, some people have a straight forward gambling problem.
It was simpler, they only need to stop and stay stop in gambling.

Not everyone knew they had these problems because it was not diagnose and remain hidden.
They continue to suffer from these illnesses.
They can stop the gambling but they will continue to suffer from the same illness that will cause them to start gambling.
When they receive healing and recover from this illness, the problem that cause them to start gambling reduces.

[kin]

What did I pick up in recovery recently

Those who follow …will not be put to shame

The proud…will not go unpunished

[kin]

Have you ever wondered why parents choose to keep their imperfect child before they are even born? Have you seen the touching love that these parents show their child? I do not have an answer.

I have a big problem with “this or that is not good enough for me” in my life. I was not humble. I was a proud person. I was chasing pleasure and I did not know how to live simply.

And when people think that I am not good enough for them, I will be angry and disappointed. I cannot accept the reality and truth. I grow up wishing I was perfect and chasing perfection.

I grow up trying to please people and did not know how to love myself. I will feel very insecure if I lose control of things in my life, I will become very anxious and desperate to regain full control.

Today I realize that my outlook in life has change. If I know that this thing, this person, this place is a gift from God, it is good enough for me. I am happy with the way they are.

• This reply was modified 3 months ago by kin.

[kin]

Getting into debt and out of debt was like getting in and out of prison for me; this is how I lost my freedom. It has happened to me many times.

When that happens, I will surely say that I would change this time; it will not happen again. But once I am free from debt, I will continue to make the same mistake.

I am giving up this way of life.

[kin]

My way does not work, so I follow a new way.
I become open-minded and willing to follow a new way unconditionally, without any reservation.
I started to surrender, submit and obey
My trust, faith and confident to obey started to grow
I start to stick to the plan all the way to the end.

All I need to do is simple; just obey and follow.
Vertically I connect to a Higher Power
Horizontally I connect to people

It was this new way that has help me to stay gamble free now.

[kin]

In recovery, I was hit by countless setback until I feel like giving up!

Many times, when I expect a straight ball, I get hit by a curve ball, this is the reality of life.
I have learnt how to live and accept my life on life’s term;
I will still be hit by setback and I will be hit by setback after setback until I walk out in victory!

I did not waste especially my last ten years in recovery;
a mentor and a Higher Power changes everything for me.
I was molded and shaped into someone that develop in a particular way.

I have no regrets.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

When I was stressed by unexpected financial obligations, I will get triggered to gamble. Something was wrong, I have enough money for substance and behavior addiction but I do not think I have enough money to do the right thing. Both required the same amount of money.

I prayed to God to protect me from evil and not let me fall into temptations, I can see the distortion in my thinking so I stayed away from slippery places where drinking and gambling may take place to stay safe.

[domriderr]

Hello there,

I completely agree with focusing on today. Taking recovery one step at a time makes the journey feel more manageable. Practicing mindfulness and staying present helps to avoid the pitfalls of worrying about the future or dwelling on past mistakes.
Thanks for sharing these insights!

[domriderr]

Hello there, I am new to the community.
And this is my first day of reading discussion and this one is the biggest.
I come to know that this discussion is about the people who are expressing how they are focusing on their today.
Is there anything else, I am forgetting?
Any kind of concern can be discussed.

Thanks

[kin]

What was my life like before I was saved?

How did I get saved?

How did my life change after I was saved?

These 3 question help remind me of the things I did that has work for me.
It has given me a direction for the next few years.

I am work in progress, there is room for improvement.
I need to work harder on my obedience and love, humility and pride.

I am grateful and thankful.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

What was my life like before I was saved?

Before I was saved, I was very selfish, self-centered, and self-seeking.
I suffered from impulse control, obsessive compulsive and emotional dysregulation disorder.
I will do what I want to do when I want to do;
I want to take alcohol and eat whatever I want
I want to take alcohol and have sex
I want to take alcohol and gamble
I want to take alcohol and doctor prescribe drug

This type of freedom only leads to my addiction and slavery.
I lost all my money and borrow a lot of money so that I can continue with my self-destructive ways.
All my friends eventually left me and avoided me, they are afraid that I will bring them harm.
Sadly, my family members suffered the most, they are like my hostage, they have nowhere to run from me, they have to live in fear, insecurity and worries because of me.

How did I get saved?

In the year 2013, I met a stranger. He was like a God send messenger to me.
He did not look down on me. He wanted to buy me a coffee and talk.
That night he told me that the answers I was seeking can be found in a book.
I asked, “which book?” He replied that it was the bible.

At that time, I was very lost, hopeless, fearful and broken.
This man showed me that the bible and God can help me.
We started to meet over the next 10 years.
I was a sinner; I would confess to him and he would pray for me.

In the book of James chapter 5 verse 16 says
Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

In the first book of John chapter 1 verse 9 says
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just. He will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

How did my life change after I was saved?

I stop thinking that my money is my money; I can do anything I want with my money.
I started to take responsibility on how I use my money wisely
I start to learnt about the ability to joyfully do what God want me to do with the money He has entrusted me for his purpose and His glory and I start to develop this ability to do the right thing and say “no” to the wrong thing.
I must confess here that, “I am not perfect; I am a sinner; I am still a work in progress.” When I am very lost and confuse on what to do and how to do the right thing:

It was written in the book of Matthew chapter 22 verse 36 to 40

36 Teacher which is the greatest commandment in the law. 37 Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the first and greatest commandment.
39 and the second is “Love your neighbor as yourself.

In the first book of Corinthians, chapter 13 verse 13 says
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is love

In the book of Matthew, chapter 5 verse 23 to 24

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

The bible was like a compass for me and God’s word has given me a direction in my life.
This has help me made the choice, between being right to the moneylender and being kind and loving to my family.
This has given me newfound strength and courage to love and be kind to my family first.

I stop fearing the moneylenders, I stop feeding the moneylenders and start feeding my family.
I have broken almost every promise made to my family, they can still remember and fear that I could harm them again.
Today they are the one who tells me that I have change.
God has help me to contribute to my family every month in the last 8 years without fail.

God has help me to return the money I took from many honest people.
They trusted me, they do not deserve to be cheated and punish for my wrongdoings.
They did not expect to see me after so long but I show up more than 15 years later at their door step to return them their hard earn money.

I really never thought this day will come, I could not made amend to the people I harm on my own after trying for so many years. I almost give up trying but God makes it happen for me in His timing, not mine.

In the book of Romans chapter 3 verse 10 to 11
As it is written: “There is no one righteous, not even one; There is no one who understands; there is no one who seek God.

I begin to seek progress and not perfection.
I leave my life in the hand of God.
Everything happens for a reason and I thank God for everything good and bad.
I have learnt to accept and live my life on life’s term, not my term.

Lastly, I need to constantly warn myself all the times

In the first book of Corinthians chapter 10 verse 12 says

“So if you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall.”

In Proverbs 16:18

Pride goeth before destruction, and the spirit is lifted high before a fall.

When I become proud and arrogant; when I think that I am in control, more careful and better than another person; I have return to the old “me, I, myself” and very vulnerable to going back to my old ways.

My old ways do not work, I need to follow a new way; I need to seek a closer relationship with God.

I would like to praise and thank God for His mercy, and grace in saving me, in Jesus Christ ‘s holy name. Amen!

[kin]

It was natural to fight or flee under stress, worries, temptations and fear for me.
I have made many mistakes and bad decisions this way.

It is very important for me not to forget that it is still wrong in the court of the law or eye of the God to do something wrong even if my intention was good, it is not an excuse to choose doing wrong. In the past, I could be in pain or suffering from some conditions, and I would allow myself to take alcohol, food, sex, gamble and drug. My judgement was poor and I could not tell what is right or wrong or I was simply too selfish, self-centered and self-seeking, all I care about was how I feel.

I do not do that now; I do not run away or hide from my problem now.
I learn to give up or stop my old ways by choosing to follow a new way.

I am a liar if I love a God that I cannot see and do not know how to love a person that I can see;
I have learnt to love others and it has help me to be less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.

But I was still a hypocrite, wicked and evil when I am caring, loving, kind and helpful only to people I like and not to people I dislike. I do not know how to love and help the people who are unlovable. I will avoid or walk away from them. This is always a test and trial for me every single time; I do not know how to humble myself, care and serve other people especially to those that I do not like. It was easier to love a person I do not know or stranger. I find it very harder to love people I know and do not like. I was less forgiving, more judgmental and critical.

However all that change after I know that some people are suffering from some underlying illness or conditions which explain their unreasonable behaviors, especially if I was also suffering from the same thing, I can better understand them and it helps me to have more empathy and compassion for them.

I knew the helplessness, the hopelessness, the loneliness, all the hardship, suffering and pain when the same rejection and disappointment happens to me. People are quick to judge, label and sentence me.

Learning to love the unlovable has help me understand myself better; I was that unlovable person.
I have learn to be more forgiving, loving, caring, and kind; less judgmental, hard and harsh on myself.
This is a wish, I hope to be able to do the same for others.
I am very much a work in progress. I am sinner trying to repent.
Help me change God.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

What was my life like before I was saved?

Before I was saved, it was natural for me to fight or flee when under stress, worries, temptations and fear and I have made many mistakes and bad decisions as a result this way.

I suffered from impulse control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and emotional dysregulation disorder.

My judgement was poor and I simply could not tell the difference between what was right or wrong at that time or I was just too selfish, self-centered and self-seeking. All I care about was only my feeling and this is how I have hurt or harm another person with my bad decisions.

In the past, I could be stress or suffering from some illness or conditions, and I would allow myself to take alcohol, food, sex, and drug to ease my tension and anxiety. Other times I would also gamble when I do not have enough money to take care of everything. They have help me in rare moments to solve my problems but this way of living and lifestyle was really foolish, reckless and a disaster in the making, it has wipeout everything in my life, it has destroyed all my relationships, career, health and saving.

How did I get saved?

It was very important for me to be mindful and not forget that it was still wrong in the court of the law or in the eyes of God when I choose to do something wrong or disobedient even if my intention was good. I have stop doing all those foolish and reckless acts now; I do not run away or hide from my problem now. I have learnt to give up or stop my old ways by choosing to follow a new way now.

Things started to change after I understand, that many people I have met are actually suffering from some underlying illness or conditions which explain their unreasonable behavior, especially if I was also suffering from the same thing, I can better understand them and it has helps me to have more empathy and compassion towards them. I can understand their helplessness, hopelessness, loneliness, hardships, sufferings and pain when they are rejected by others in the society. People are quick to judge, label and sentence people like us.

How did my life change after I was saved?

I learnt that I was a liar if I choose to love a God that I cannot see and not love a person that I can see. Today I have learnt to love others and it has help me to be less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.

I learnt that I was a hypocrite, wicked and evil when I am caring, loving, kind and helpful only to people I like and not to the people I dislike. I will avoid or walk away from them; I am afraid they will ask me for money; make me lose my job; want to stay in my home; tell me what to do; shame and disgrace me. I do not know how to love or help the people who are unlovable and unfortunates. I suddenly realize that this is also how I made other people think and feel about me too. I was that unlovable person.

Today it has become a test and a lesson for me every single time; to learn how to humble myself, care and serve other people especially those that I do not like. I have really found it hard to love people I know and do not like. It was easier to offer a stranger I do not know.

Today I was more forgiving, and less judgmental.
Today I know that I have other choices.
I can choose to be kind and loving instead of being right.

I am very much a work in progress. I am a sinner trying to repent.
I can sin and need help to change.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

In the beginning, when I journal, I write about the following:

1. What is my thought?
2. What is my feeling?
3. What is my action plan?

Today when I journal, I write about the following:

1. What was my life like before I was saved?
2. How did I get saved?
3. How did my life change after I was saved?

[kin]

(I am still working on my last post. This is my amended copy)

What was my life like before I was saved?

Before I was saved, I was very impulsive when under stress, worries, and fear or facing temptations.
I have made many mistakes and bad decisions this way.

I suffered from impulse control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and emotional dysregulation disorder.

Many times my judgement was poor at the most critical moment; I could not tell the difference between what was right and wrong before I act or I was just simply too selfish, self-centered and self-seeking. All I care about was only my feeling and this is how I have hurt or harm another person with my bad decisions.

In the past, when I was very stress or suffering from some illness or conditions, I would allow myself to take alcohol, food, sex, and drug to make myself feel better. Other times I would gamble when I do not have enough money to take care of everything, they have help me in rare moments to solve my problem, but this way of living and lifestyle is really very foolish, reckless and a disaster in the making. It has wipeout everything in my life, it has destroyed all my relationships, career, health and saving in the end.

How did I get saved?

I learnt that I am still wrong in the court of law or in the eyes of God when I was disobedient or did something wrong even if my intention was good.

I have stop doing all those foolish and reckless acts now; I do not run away or hide from my problem and I have learnt to give up and stop my old ways by following a new way.

Things started to change for me after I understand that many people I have met are actually suffering from some underlying illness or conditions which explain their unreasonable behavior.

If I was also suffering from the same thing, I can understand them better and it has helps me to have more empathy and compassion towards them. I can feel and understand their helplessness, hopelessness, loneliness, hardships, sufferings and pain when they are rejected by others. People in the society are generally quick to stereotype, label, judge, criticize, and condemn a person.

How did my life change after I was saved?

I learnt that I was a liar when I choose to love a God that I cannot see and not love a person that I can see.
Today I have learnt to love others and it has help me to be less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.

I learnt that I was a hypocrite, I can be cruel, wicked and evil when I am caring, loving, kind and helpful only to people I like and not to the people I dislike. I will avoid or walk away from the people I dislike; I am afraid they will ask me for money; make me lose my job; ask me to let them stay in my home; order me what to do; shame and disgrace me in front of others. I do not know how to love those people who are unlovable and unfortunates. I suddenly realize that this is also how I made other people think and feel about me; I was that unlovable person.

Today it has become a test and a lesson for me every single time;
to learn how to humble myself, care and serve other people especially those that I do not like.
I have really found it hard to love the people I know and do not like without any ill feeling or resentment.

Today I was more forgiving, and less judgmental.
The difficult people I met has help me learn to be kinder and more loving to them and myself.
Today I do not beat myself up so hard when I am not perfect.
I have learn to accept my imperfection; sometime I can choose to be kind and loving instead of being right.

I am very much a work in progress. I am a sinner trying to repent.
I can sin and I can make mistake
I need help to change.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[thesportandroulette]

New here I lost 10k in 48 hours last weekend.

[kin]

A string of bad fortunes and events

1. Recently the weather everyday was 32 degrees, it was hot. My eczema flares up; I will feel stress and irritable.
2. I was tired easily lately and needed rest but my mind tells me to keep a perfect work attendance
3. Yesterday I was assisting someone at one location and something happen in another location at work, I cannot be in 2 places at the same time. My colleague was present but choose to do nothing.
4. I apply for leave from work in the following day to take a good break and rest, it was rejected, I was really shocked and surprised; I was angry and confused. In the end, it was an error in the system and it was rectified on time.
5. Today I notice that my nose is a little block and my throat has phlegm. I was feeling unwell. This explain why I was feeling vulnerable lately.

Frustration and anger could have taken over me, it could have triggered me and threaten my sobriety.

I was watching the situation and progress; on one hand I was moving closer towards the light. On the other hand, darkness did not want that to happen; I will be attack; darkness will try to make me fall, darkness wanted me to choose places and do things that is not good for me.

Man is fallible. Thoughts to relapse; choosing to sin, fall, slip and relapse in many ways crossed my mind yesterday. I do one thing at a time, went to one place at a time, I went to places and did things that keep me safe until tomorrow, I will be baptize on this day.

I visited the recovery drop-in center; it was sad to know that a young man who has shared in the same support group meeting has pass away from drug overdose.

Recovery is a serious matter for us.
Recovery save life!
Recovery saved our family and love ones from further hurt, harm and heartaches from us!

My deep thought:

Everyone is looking for love, hope, purpose and a good reason to carry on living.
If you cannot have that miracle you want; you can be that miracle for another person.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

If I give my leftover time, effort and money to someone something some place
It just goes to show my priority and how much is my commitment for someone something some place.
I am only giving my leftover, I am not giving my everything.
people gives leftover to homeless, beggar and stray dog

• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Genesis 3:19

“for dust you are and to dust you will return”

It teaches one to be humble and never think that you are better than anyone else.

[kin]

Beware of distractions that can takes me away from my Higher Power

It is very important to stay focus on my Higher Power; and not to get distracted by the people I meet, the places I visit and the things I see happen around me. I must continue to submit and surrender to the Higher Power.

Submit to a Higher Power

It was so easy for me to drift away automatically and become complacent after things was doing well. I would slowly stop doing what works for me; I stop correcting myself every single step; I stop practicing repentance and following my Higher Power. My old ways; the old “me, I, myself” will sneak in quietly to take over the steering wheel. How many times have I stop gambling and fail to stay stop gambling.

I will not go unpunished if I think that my old way is better and the Higher Power is not good enough for me because the Higher Power’s way and thought is higher than me.

Humility

It was not my timing and many years later, I finally met a proud, arrogant and confident man who becomes humble recently. I could identify and recognize his change. I can see what he did differently to achieve this desire change. I can relate to every word that this person tells me. I can see his change and the process happening. I saw and understand why he did certain things. It was easier for me to follow his examples. I was able to learn from his example and achieve changes quickly.

I have struggle to learn from a humble man for many years how to be humble in recovery. I could not see what he did differently to successfully achieve the desired change, he was always the same. He always gives all glory, all thanks and all praise to the Higher Power. I could not see and find the missing pieces. But I can see the difference and change in a person when someone who boast a lot suddenly decided to stop seeking self-glory and boasting and give all glory, all thanks and all praise to the Higher Power.

Consistency and persistency; be grateful and thankful in good times and bad times.
Perseverance and resilience; sticking to the plan all the way to the end.

My recovery has become more rock solid, and stronger; I believes that “everyone who believe will not be put to shame.”

I believe that this journey is not perfect, the person may experience setback and failure on the way but a believer will rise up again each time. My confident and awareness grows; I learn to be more careful.

Proverbs 24:16
For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble in time of disaster and collapse.

[kin]

Today I maybe unwell,
the weather is warm,
my eczema has flare up,
my working hours is long,
I was very tired.
This was a combination of events that can result in disaster for me.
I only need to wait for something to trigger me and I cannot imagine the damage.
I was easily anger, short tempered and impatient on this day.

I choose to sleep and rest to recharge and restore my strength and energy to cope with the daily life.
I felt calmer, more patient and peaceful after I woke up.
I had to give priority to self-care and give up doing things that I like to do but make me lose sleep.

It is another gamble free day.

[kin]

I attend gambling support group meeting on days when I am not working;
Once every week, we meet up to pray for others and ourselves;

Other days when I am not meeting in person due to work
I am connected to others with the convenience of whatsapp chatgroup.

I really enjoy what I am doing now.
I am not doing this alone
I enjoy the support

• This reply was modified 1 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

I was thankful and peaceful
I was thankful and not anxious

Is feeling of gratitude and thankful an antidote to anxiety?

[kin]

I was admitted on the 24th Aug in the emergency department to remove my gall bladder.
I had surgery on the 28th and was discharge on the 29th in the same month.
I will be on hospital leave for the next 14 days.

[asdfghost]

Hi kin,
I’m glad your surgery went smoothly. Stay strong.

[sarahluna88]

Hi kin, hope you feel good. Ive got a lot of stress at the moment. I ve started an education over the next 3 jears for psychological advice, at the same time I do drivers school- what stresses me also a lot and at least I left my flat and changed to another all in the last month. The last two days I recogniced that I wanted to look for casino offers, god thanks that the „stopgamble“ App has blocked that try of mine. Pressure is high in my head at the Moment. Last gambling was when I wrote my First topic here.
Thank you for reading, Sarah

[kin]

A doctor after looking at my medical record told me that my gall bladder burst, there was a tear and gangrene. I did not know what it mean but it sound bad.

[Author]

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